The Smashing Bumpkins
by sandwichsupernova
Summary: Confusion abounds at the luxurious Smashgrounds! Link and Zelda investigate why they are forced to fight. Mario's alcoholism leaves Luigi in charge and Peach single. Ness is haunted by terrible memories. Mega Man irrationally hates Pac-Man. Samus and Rosalina seek friendship. Ike tries teaching Marth English. Pikachu trolls his former trainer. Rated M for sex, drugs, and language.
1. Welcome to the Jungle

Hey everyone! Thanks for checking out my first SSB fic. :D

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters. In fact, I don't own anything except for my socks.

**Rating:** M for Mature (sexual content, language, drug and alcohol use, violence)

**Warning:** Just to be clear, this first chapter is relatively tame, but there is going to be a _lot_ of sex and depravity in the following installments of what I hope to be a long-running story.

**The Players** (in order of importance, subject to change)**:** Male Villager, Link, Mega Man, Peach, Samus, Zelda, Pac-Man, Fox, Falco, Ness, Ike, Luigi, Mario, Ganondorf, Pikachu, Ash and Red, Palutena, Pit, Sonic, Bowser, Rosalina, Snake, Olimar, Female Villager, Little Mac, Dedede, Kirby, Mr. Game and Watch, Marth, Wario, Greninja, Ice Climbers

* * *

**Chapter One**  
**Welcome to the Jungle**

_It's funny how these things happen. One moment, you're killing time and stocking up on Bells by fishing for barred knifejaws on Tortimer Island. The next, a giant hand comes rushing out from the sky and picks you up. Your memory goes blank, and you forget your name, your birthday, and even the very existence of your friends and family._

_When you next return to consciousness, you're in an arena, battling to the pain with multiple versions of yourself. With nary a word of introduction or even the slightest bit of instruction, the announcer declares, "There can be only one!"_

_There's no escape, either. We're stuck on a two-dimensional plane, and a timer counts down the seconds. Five minutes. Two minutes._

_Balloons are popped. Faces bashed in. Like ragdolls, we fly across the enclosed arena. It is pure chaos. The others fall, slowly but surely, until the last one is bested by a tumbling tree. _

_There's nothing but throbbing in your head when the announcer exclaims, "GAME!"_

_And then it happens again. And again. Countless times. The same old song and dance, only everything's changing and you're growing comfortably numb._

_And then you find yourself on the midnight train going anywhere._

_That's the full-on truth of it: it's all I can remember, and none of it too clearly. The whole damn thing could be a dream for all I know. _

"How's it hangin', stranger?"

The Male Villager snapped from his daze and traded blank stares with the man opposite him on the train car. He was the only other person within a fifteen-foot radius. There was no one else he could have been talking to.

"Wait. Sorry. Where am I?"

"Let me guess. You remember your name and some vague stuff, but no memories to speak of, except for some Glover-lookin' motherfucker in the sky and some lame-ass fights with doppelgangers?"

"How did you-"

"It's the same story all across the board. Disoriented? Have a sip of my Energy Tank."

The Villager took a long look at the pulsing electric capsule and politely declined.

His companion shrugged. "Apparently we're on our way to some place called the Smashgrounds. I'm assuming you got an invite, too."

The Villager checked his pockets. Sure enough, there was an envelope with some sort of invitation to an exclusive tournament.

_A tournament? For what? I'm a lover, not a fighter._

"So, you a boy, or a girl?"

"Huh. What do I look like to you?" he asked.

"A badly proportioned human." Clad in a suit of blue armor, the metallic fellow was of about the same height as the Villager, a seeming rarity in this land of generally taller and slimmer people. "Ya ain't nothin' like me, I'll tell ya that."

"Well, I'm of the male gender by origin, but I consider myself a pansexual."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's kinda like bisexual, except I don't believe that one's birth gender should define one's sexuality."

"Oh. So you're, like, into trannies and stuff?"

"Um, yes. I basically don't have a preference between biolog-"

"How 'bout furries?"

The Villager stole a glance over the way towards where a familiar yellow dog had poked her head out of the train window, tongue flapping in the wind. The scene got him rather excited.

"Well, now that you mention it…"

"Ah! Do tell!" another voice sounded out from down the aisle. A head popped up from behind a chair to reveal a bubbly female with the same proportions as our Villager. Her giant head was just the right shape, without any odd protrusions or bulges, and her huge eyes were spaced at perfect distance from one another.

The man's heart skipped a beat. "H-hello there."

"How about robot animals?" Mega Man grumbled, interrupting the guy's fantasizing.

"Um. I… haven't really thought about it?"

"Good. I don't generally like saying this kinda shit, so I'll only tell you once. Stay away from Rush."

"Rush?"

A rogue-colored robotic dog sprung out from underneath Mega Man's seat.

"Seven hells!" the Villager exclaimed. "I mean, golly gee! Is that a robot dog?"

"Yeah. And you can feed him some oil cans if you like, toss him a gear or two, or even scratch his head, just please. No funky stuff. No peanut-butter covered nuts, no penetration, no tickling. Nothin'."

"Sure thing, Mister-"

"Mega Man."

"Mr. Man, believe you me. I swear to you, on my watch, your cybernetic canine's purity will never be in question. I wouldn't even dream of it."

"Aight, you seem pretty chilled. What can I call you, homeboy?"

"Um."

The Villager looked ahead, past the panting Isabella, towards his female counterpart.

"Excuse me, miss?"

She spun around again, her warm and inviting countenance making the Villager's heart erupt in somersaults of joy.

"Yes?"

"Th-this will no doubt sound incredibly odd, but do you have a name, by chance?"

She laughed. "So formal! I wanted to ask you the same question. See, on my invitation, all it says is 'Female Villager.'"

The other Villager, ephiphanous, pulled out his own envelope and was shocked to see that it was addressed to 'Male Villager'.

"Wait. Seriously?"

"I wish I was making this up, Male Villager. Do you know what the heck this tournament thing is supposed to be about? I brought my bathing suit, in case we got a chance to hit the beach. Have a look!"

She spun around right then and there, changing her outfit instantaneously, and the Male Villager discreetly hid his growing erection.

"N-n-not a clue. But you should probably stick with us, just to be safe."

Ogling her, Mega Man pushed him out of the way. "What he said, toots. There's all kinds of crazies out there. Ya ever need someone to keep ya safe, I'm for hire, sugar."

"Er... thank you, but I think I'm-"

Just then a high-pitched squealing, as that of a Jigglypuff being strangled, kicked in from the P.A. system. The disturbingly wide face of an anthropomorphic frog appeared on the telly.

"I've got someone on my- I mean, all right, folks! Last stop, Smashgrounds Central!"

"Fuck yes!" the Blue Bomber grinned. "I've been on this miserable train for hours! Let's get us some boot-ay!"

The doors opened as the three shook hands. What awaited surprised the hell out of them.

"WELCOME NEW CHALLENGERS!" the banner read, spanning the entire station. A massive crowd of OVER NINE hundred THOUSAND strange mushroom-headed people, upright turtles, frowning goombas, humans, Gorons, Zora, leaf-headed beings, furry creatures of every size and shape, friendly robots, soldiers, cavalrymen, and just about every fictional race under the sun stood applauding and heckling. For whom or what, it was unclear, but as Mega Man and the two Villagers descended to the platform, they were met with loud cheers.

"Holy shit," Mega Man said, his eyes turning wide as saucers. "It's like I'm some long-neglected celebrity who's made a miraculous comeback or somefink."

"Smile and wave, friends," a friendly voice sounded out. Its owner, a tall, long-nosed man wearing a green tuxedo, patted Mega Man on the back. "Name's Luigi. Mr. Man, we've been expecting you for quite some time now. Welcome to the Smashgrounds, sirs and ma'am," he continued, turning to the Villagers. "I'll happily answer your questions on our way to the castle."

The group advanced on a moving platform that flew over the city. The Newcomers couldn't stop gaping at the massive crowd-organism surrounding them like an endless sea of bodies.

"This is insane," the Male Villager said. "They could get crushed!"

"Perhaps temporarily," Luigi replied. "There's no death here. Only pain unending, and for a select few, a slim chance at glory."

"So it's true. We're to fight here?" inquired the Female Villager.

"There'll be a lot more living than fighting," said their host. "At least until we've completed our roster."

"W-what is this place, exactly?" she asked. "It's so odd, yet so familiar."

"You're not the first to beg that question," said a voice from behind Luigi. The Villagers and Mega Man turned to see a bright yellow dude decked out in orange gloves and red boots step off a platform that just floated in. "We're in the process of figuring it out, ourselves. Some say this is a Purgatory, a sort of shared afterlife that we can't get out of. Others believe that it's a mental prison, or else a dream world-"

"It… it's the King!" The Villagers, having recovered from a moment of speechlessness, dropped to the floor and crawled on over to kiss Pac-Man's feet, much to the derangement of everyone else.

"Hey, um… that's really not necessary," Pac-Man said. "Plus, I totes just had these spit-shined."

"Must be a cultural thing," replied Mega Man. "Could be you're a God to them. Or maybe they just think you're a giant-ass lemon. Ya sure look like one."

Pac-Man's brow puckered. "Ex_cuse_ me?"

Mega Man shook with disgust. "Whoa, whoa. I see your beady eyes checkin' out my junk. Your giant mouth's slobberin' like a coked-out toddler snorting pixie stix on Halloween."

After gently patting the Villagers on the back for them to stop and stepping forward, Pac-Man sized up the Newcomer. "Okay, I'll pretend I didn't hear that. We got off on the wrong foot here. Name's Pac-Man. You can call me Pac, PM, Puck, or my birth name, Puckerton. Mr. Man, you'll soon see there's no reason to quarrel on our downtime. We get to do it all the time in _there_."

Pac-Man gestured over the way to a large holographic display in the center of the city, showcasing a live match going on between the Wii Fit Trainer, Kirby, King Dedede, and Greninja.

"They're fighting," the Male Villager keenly observed. "But why?"

"Because we are forced to."

"By whom?" asked the Female Villager.

"The Being from Above," said Luigi. "'Ominous Voice', we call it. Nameless Master. It summons us to battle one another, or else some alien forces, and we must comply, or suffer greatly at the hands of its literally disembodied hands. We do not yet know its identity, though we're trying to find out."

Mega Man rolled his eyes. "Oh, really now. So we're just gladitorial slaves? How long has this shit been goin' on?"

"The core group's collective memories date back about five months. But lately, we've got newcomers like yourselves arriving every other day," Pac-Man calmly replied. "It may appear that the game never ends. And indeed, we'll be fighting in shifts, so as to give the other combatants a break. There's also the whole reality show thing going on, too. Which is to say, outside of your private quarters, you must be ready to have your likenesses broadcast over the entire realm at all times. We can wait until later to discuss the details."

"Aight, foo. S'all good how you wanna maintain the peace and all, I respect that. But keep that gaping trap o' yours closed 'round me. Don't need me none of that foo-foo candy-ass shit in here. Tried that once, holmes. Never again. Keep your hands off my pooch of perfect purity! I promised ya, Rush! Never again! It was one time, buddy!"

Pac-Man scratched his head. "I'm… not exactly sure what you're insinuating, but you've got a lot of talk in you for a rusty bucket of bolts. You let me know when you're ready, brother. Final Destination. Smash Balls only. I'll let you take a handicap if you want. But for now, let's just smile and wave-"

"Hmph! Handicap!"

Mega Man crossed his stubby arm over his Mega Buster and turned to the audience, his expression blank. He pondered Pac-Man's words carefully for a good few moments as the others conversed, and then finally returned to face his host.

"I'll tell you where you can shove that handicap, ya pedophilic carpet muncher. You can shove it so far down your throat, it'll get stuck in your non-existent esophagus and choke you from the inside out!"

This turned Pac-Man's cheeks red – the 'carpet muncher' was clearly checking out the bikini-clad Female Villager, and Mega Man had caught him in the act.

Luigi cleared the air with a tornado spin. "Mamma mia! Shut up already, both of you! We have a schedule to keep."

But Pac-Man only gestured for him to stay back.

"Let's do it," said Pac-Man. "Now."

Mega Man grinned. "I won't hold back, yellow belly."

"A moment, Puck." Luigi placed a hand on one side of Pac-Man's head, which was the closest thing he had to a shoulder. "We're in the middle of the introductory parade and there's currently a match going on. You sure about this?"

Pac-Man nodded. "I just need to shut the kid up and teach him some respect. Don't interfere."

"Very well." Luigi tapped the Mushroom-shaped lapel on his tux. "Lombardi, we need a squadron of Camera Lakitus. Clear the airspace for the Final Destination platform. Inform the other fighters they can take fifteen after the next stock loss."

Falco's voice responded from Luigi's earpiece. "What's cookin', Don?"

"Impromptu showdown. Perfect for ratings, but we'll have to push lunch back to one-thirty."

The Male Villager bit his nails as the scene before him snowballed into a one-on-one duel.

Mega Man raised his hands in the air. "W-w-wait, we can talk about thi-"

Pac-Man cleared his throat, grabbed the mic, and screamed: "I challenge the Newcomer, Mega Man, to a duel!"

He then tossed the mic into the audience, where it crushed an unsuspecting goomba, eliciting even more riotous cheering.

A bolt of lightning seared the ground before them. Two floating platforms appeared, and Pac-Man and Mega Man each stepped onto one. The platforms each instantly teleported to above a two-hundred foot wide flat island, flying high above the crowd and offering a full panoramic view of Smash City.

The crowd-organism was following the slow-moving procession past busy intersections. Mega Man looked back at where the trains had let them off – downtown was several miles away now. In the midst of the city, a large nature preserve played host to tens of thousands of Pokemon and the tourists who flocked to visit them. Now they were approaching the shimmering harbor and marina, beyond which lay an Endless Ocean, and over it, the shadows of the Smashgrounds, drifting two thousand feet above. A series of small floating islands surrounded a large central one, which hosted a vibrant castle at its center. Even from a distance, the grounds were even more impressive in person than they looked on the holo-screens.

"Three…" an omnipresent voice began counting.

The older, stately Pac-Man took a humble bow.

"Two…"

Thankful that his knees were rather solid, Mega Man waved to the adoring public.

"One…"

The Male Villager seized the opportunity to hold the Female Villager close. He mentally patted himself on the back for a job well done.

"Fight!"

* * *

-(^o^)-

Thank you for reading! Chapters two and three should be coming very soon.


	2. Are You In?

**A/N: **Edited the Pac-Man and Mega Man battle to reflect actual gameplay possibilities. (10/4/14)

* * *

**Chapter Two**  
**Are You In?**

Ness woke up in a flash of sweat. Everything in his room was levitating a foot off the ground.

_Stay cool. It was just another dream._

Noting that it was four-thirty in the morning, he willed the stuff back into place, sat up in bed groggily for a few moments, and changed from pajamas into his regular shirt and shorts. The shakes had returned.

There was no use trying to go back to sleep. The energy coursing through Ness pulsed erratically, and nightmare visions – of screams for mercy, of bloody duels to the death, of dozens of his friends committing suicide – filled his waking thoughts, shutting out all else.

Deciding against a dip in the hot springs, he took to wandering the hedge maze, and then decided to gaze upon the barely-visible ocean view from the overlooking cliff face by the edge of the floating island. Taking a seat upon a rock, he closed his eyes and focused his attention on the breeze whipping about and chilling his skin. He needed to latch onto something, anything, to clear his mind.

Ness didn't even notice when the cloak went around his shoulders.

"You're the first person I've seen here at this time," said a female voice. "It's easy to get lost in the Ether in this place. But the breeze will have you waking up in a cold sweat. You're on shift tomorrow, I believe. Best not to overdo it."

The boy's eyes shot wide open. Beside him, clad in a blue t-shirt and yoga pants, the blonde woman stood balancing atop a wooden stake on one toe, her arms swaying ever so slightly with the wind. She had the unmistakable countenance of a familiar princess, only her hair was gold as a wheat field.

"Thank you. Only, who… S-Sheik?"

"Right you are, my psychic friend. What brings you to my favorite spot so early?"

He checked her eyes to make sure her question was not just out of politeness, but true curiosity. "Nightmares," he said at last.

"I'm intimately familiar with those. Perhaps I can offer some insight."

"You wouldn't be the first."

"And I doubt I'll be the last," she said, dropping down to her mat and performing some limbering stretching exercises. "But often the simple act of speaking about one's troubles can handily divide them."

Ness smiled. "Th-thanks. They've been with me for as long as I can remember. In my dreams... everyone's in pain. And somehow, I feel like it's all my fault. You see, I have an ability."

"Yes, you can use psycho-kinetic attacks."

"That's not it, though... in my dreams, it's much more than that. It's almost as if under certain circumstances, with the right equipment, I can… I can do things like mess with people's minds. Alter memories. Maybe even erase them."

"Dreams, Ness. Of course those issues would be on your mind. They're on all our minds."

"Only, these are not just dreams. They are very real."

"Hmm. Have you talked to Lucas or Mewtwo about this?"

"I tried. Even posted on Reggieslist and went into the city to check their favorite haunts. No one's seen them anywhere. Plus, I'm just kind of embarrassed..."

"Nonsense. Hmmm. If only Impa were here…"

"Sorry?"

"My guardian, if my faulty memory means anything. She's well-versed in mystical matters. Things that can't be easily explained... Ah! Perhaps the _other_ Zelda can help us sort this out. She's from a different world line than myself. She'll have seen more things than I."

"W-would that be possible?"

"Of course, little one. By my honor, we'll see it done, and this mystery solved."

* * *

Princess Zelda gently massaged Link's testicles with her left hand as her right worked his shaft.

"How's this, sleepyhead?" she asked, with a droll expression, looking up at the blonde boy whose head was resting against the headboard of her four-post bed. "Does that feel nice?"

Link turned from watching Pac-Man and Mega Man arguing on the TV to the brunette bombshell bobbing between his bollocks.

"Y-yes, Princess. It feels fuckin' fantastic."

She mentally checked his thoughts to make sure he wasn't telling a white lie.

"Good," she said, and continued to stroke him. "You're not as hard this morning."

"I… uh, had a bit to drink last night."

"I see."

She started at first to lick the tip of his member, and then lowered her grip on his shaft. She began stroking a little tighter from the bottom and loosening her grip up by the head, all the while lubricating the top of his eight-inch beast with her saliva. Once he grew firm, she finally engulfed him entirely, and sucked her cheeks in.

"Oh, baby, that's so good."

"Mm-hmm."

Link brushed Zelda's locks from her forehead and looked his lover deep in the eyes. They were cold and intense, as she was, and the tad tingling of tenderness in them was hot enough to put him over the edge.

_Not yet_, he willed himself, and gently stroked her ears as he tightened his kegel muscles.

"My p-p-princess…"

Her wet tongue tickled the sensitive bottom of his shaft while the tip rubbed against the tight back of her throat. Link could feel Zelda's tonsils slap against him as she drew him in and out of her mouth, repeatedly.

In a few minutes, Zelda gave her mouth a break and took a sip of magically heated Blue Potion, then put Link's dick back in her mouth and sucked her cheeks in. The warm fluid coupled with Zelda's impeccable suction technique and probing tongue drove him over the edge.

"I… I'm coming!"

"Wait," Zelda said, and then pulled Link's dick from her mouth. He sprayed buckets and buckets of cum all over her delectable face and neck.

Link huffed and puffed, his energy spent, as Zelda continued to milk his one-eyed trouser Ekans of its last drops.

"Babe, that was hot," said Link, although he wondered, _Damn! How I wish she'd let me come in her mouth, just once._

"Ah. I heard that."

"The hell?"

"Not intentionally, mind you. I didn't even actively use my powers to pry. You were simply broadcasting your feelings."

"And you mention this because?"

"Because it hurts me."

In the midst of watching Zelda wipe his cum off her face, Link couldn't believe what he was hearing.

_It's not my fault you're a natural mind reader._

"Really? So that gives you a license to think whatever you want around me?"

Link held Zelda's chin up and looked deeply into her eyes.

_You should know more than anyone, princess. Most feelings come and then go. They aren't something to hold anyone to. I don't choose a majority of the thoughts that go through my head. But most of the time they go in one ear and out the other._

"A man's heart changes a thousand times a day," he said.

"Then a woman's must change a million."

"You know what I need to get? One of those Magneto-type helmets to protect my thoughts," groaned Link, turning his attention back to the screen.

"To protect your behind, more like." Zelda crawled over and began to massage Link's worn-out back muscles. She kissed the tops of his shoulders, just the way he liked her to. "It's too early to argue. Lunch has been delayed to one-thirty. Let's go back to bed, baby."

Link was torn between his pride and his throbbing Johnson, awakened by the power of Zelda's magical touch.

_I'm sure you can sense my hesitation, Zelda. Since we got intimate, I've been walking on cloud nine. There's nothing wrong with you… with us. What's got my goat is this feeling like you and I are caught up in something that's far beyond us. What powerful force brought us here? Why must we fight one another, every day?_

"Link…" she began. "None of this is news. What good will worries and fears do at this point?"

"Nothin'. Not without action. But we must seek the truth, or resign ourselves to living lives of pain and disappointment. Just look at those two," he said, gesturing to the television. "That spunky blue guy just showed up, and he's already picking a fight with Puck. Wherever he comes from, I'll wager he's a real hero. Now he's fated to be another gladiator. He's at where most of us are gonna be if we go on like this. This way of living is just not sustainable. We need to _do_ something."

Zelda cuddled up beside Link and draped an arm and a leg over him."Maybe. But babe... what can we do?"

"Well, for starters, we can refuse to fight."

"Not a chance!" she cried, and began straddling him. "Just look at DK. You've seen what happens. We act out, we get lobotomized. I_ won't_ let them take you away... You're the bravest man we've got. We, no... I... can't lose you."

"You remember what the Ominous Voice said. This whole charade isn't complete if one of us is missing. If... if by my sacrifice, you and the others can learn something, can find a weakness... then maybe it won't be too big a loss."

Zelda rocked back and forth against Link's member, and leaned over close so that her breasts were dangling in front of his face. "So you're giving up?"

"Never. But there has to be another way."

"Then let someone else take the first step. We've got ourselves, honey, and all the time in the world to think about it."

"Except we don't. The roster will be complete soon."

"Shh, baby."

While rubbing her slit against Link's flattened but quickly growing cock, Zelda began to moan. Her husky voice caught the ear of a third character.

From a tiny hole in the ceiling, Yoshi watched intently as Link licked and kneaded Zelda's medium-sized pink nipples, groping her luscious 34Ds from outside of her loose-fitting nightie.

"Mmmmm... Yoshi..." it said softly, but not soft enough for the Hylian duo's elfin ears.

Both Link and Zelda whipped their heads around to see the perverted Ceiling Dinosaur back away from its peephole.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Link cried, and grabbed his hookshot on the bedside table.

"Leave him!" said Zelda, biting her lip. She pushed Link's arms down and kissed his neck as Yoshi leapt from the balcony above and landed in the pool far below. "Don't you have more important things to do? We'll deal with him later."

Unable to resist, Link dropped the hookshot and resigned himself to his lover's tenderness.

Now that his soldier was at attention, she lowered herself onto its girth, inch by inch.

_Yes! Do your worst, princess. I love it when you know how to treat me._

* * *

Mega Man fired away with his regular shots, which resembled lemons. Pac-Man leapt in for an aerial kick. The Blue Bomber rolled backwards and attempted to use his Flame Blast (down-smash), but his opponent predicted the move and landed just out of its range.

The yellow menace dropped to the floor, and Mega Man felt something pixilated appear and smash him sideways.

"The hell was that?" Mega Man screamed.

"My old nemeses, Pinkie and Blinky. At least, that's what I think they're called."

"This ain't kosher!" he yelled, and tossed a saw blade in the direction of his opponent.

Pac-Man unleashed an 8-bit alien fighter ship and had it deflect the saw blade.

"Yer shittin' me," Mega Man began, but his opponent was already in his face with his feet and fists. After his Crash Bomber missed, it was all the blue one could do to keep safe.

Before he knew it, Pac-Man had launched him into the air, switched forms to a rather creepy-looking faceless sphere, and chased him down.

Mega Man was knocked upwards once more when, frustrated, he fired a hard knuckle attack down towards Pac-Man, who was meteored back onto the stage. The Bomber then tried to land a flame sword hit on the way down, but missed. Pac-Man had rolled away and sent another ghost out to whack his opponent off his feet, then brutally punished him with another transformation attack.

Once landing, the Super Fighting Robot fired a charged shot at Pac-Man, who dodged the blow and slapped down a fire hydrant, which just missed Mega Man. The Blue Bomber was not safe for long, though, as the hydrant began blasting him with stuttered bursts of water, pushing him back.

Using Rush Coil, Mega Man leapt over the blasts. Having understood the timing, he dodged Pac-Man's pellet-eating transformation attack and power-slid into the hydrant upon landing. A follow-up Mega Upper (up-tilt/Shoryuken) sent it flying away, but Pac-Man's descending back-kick smacked Mega Man in the face.

"Wait up, man! This ain't fuckin' fair! Not only have ya got assists, you can, like, transform and shit!"

"No Johns. All's fair in love and war, my android friend."

"Hell naw!" Mega Man yelled, and peered into the iris of one of the circling Lakitu's camcorders. "Y'all down there feel me on this? This yellow-bellied coward, he's breaking the rules, ain't he?"

His rant was met with some cheers, some heckling, and mostly unintelligible rabble.

"See?" he insisted. "Six out of fifteen agree. Your moveset is bullshit. You ain't nothin' but a mascot, relying on others to do yer attackin' for ya."

But Pac-Man charged his opponent directly, going for physical hits. Mega Man slid on the floor to get away, but was out-maneuvered at every turn.

"Oh? I'm not the only one. Peach uses a Toad to counter. That big-ass penguin whacks his own minions with a mallet. Olimar tosses living Pikmin at his opponents, sacrificing dozens per fight. But we don't even have to look that far. Riddle me this, O wise Mega Man, just where did you get your weapons from?"

"The robot masters. But that don't concern your ass. Plus, it ain't as if I summon them. I just happened to jack their best abilities after terminating their life functions."

Mega Man nailed Pac-Man with a few charged attacks.

"Look, Mega Man. I'll be honest. There's probably a reason why we only have a finite number of fighting moves, I don't know. Maybe we were chosen that way… that was what the Ominous Voice intended."

"Well, ya know what I say to that? I say, fuck the Ominous Voice! Fuck the whole concept of fightin' for no reason! I may not remember much, but I do know I've saved the damned world from some moustachioed dumbass doin' some evil shit, and more than a few times, too! Just 'coz I'm built to fight don't mean I haveta partake in it! I'm sick of fightin'! More than any o' you punks, I deserve a flippin' break from it all, ya feel me? I refuse to fight! Not until I have a good reason!"

At this, everyone gasped. You could have heard one of Sheik's needles drop. Even the cheering audience fell to hushed silence.

"C-careful now," Pac-Man cautioned his new friend. "It'd be wise to not antagonize the Ominous Voice."

"O-o-ominous Voice? Awww, shiiit!" Mega Man replied mockingly. "Oh, no! Whatever shall I do? That b-b-b-big scary voice in the sky-iy-iy-iy is g-g-gonna hurt me! Some bitch call the waaaaaahhhmbulance!"

Luigi stepped into the arena and pointed up at the sky. "Do you see that, numbskull?"

A large shadow appeared on the platform. A giant gloved hand hovered far above, ready to strike.

"I've fought worse. Bring it on, ya big-ass Glover ripoff!"

Suddenly, Luigi rocketed in and smacked the Newcomer to the floor. A whistle broke through the din as Olimar leapt into the fray, flinging Pikmin at Mega Man to hold him down.

"You can't just refuse to fight!" Luigi cried out. "You'll be tortured and lobotomized, you fucking imbecile!"

"Just watch me!" Mega Man laughed. He shot a fully-charged shot at Luigi's chest, but the plumber rolled away.

Pac-Man screamed aloud as the shot connected. When Luigi turned to see what happened, he facepalmed so hard he gave himself a concussion.

Mega Man had just hit a large floating Smash Ball that appeared in the sky.

_It's so beautiful, _the Male Villager thought. _What is it?_

"Standard special!" came the chant from the adoring crowd below. "Use it now!"

"What's so standard 'bout a special? The hell is that supposed to _mean_?" The Blue Bomber cursed. He shot the crash bomber. Nothing. The charged shot. Nada.

That's when Pac-Man tossed a green melon in his direction. Mega Man spot-dodged the projectile, performed a perfect pivot-turn, stunned Pac-Man with his Air Cutter (back-aerial), and tried to follow up with a metal blade.

Much to his surprise, instead of the saw blade, a dark vortex was fired into the air, sucking in Pac-Man, Luigi, and Olimar. The Villagers had the sense to ride two Lloid rockets to safety.

The crowd went wild as Mega Man felt his body act without his input - it leapt into the fray with four other dudes who somewhat resembled him. Before he could process what was going on, a rainbow of pulsing energy beams erupted from their arms and sent the three combatants flying. Luigi and Pac-Man were sent far from the arena. Mega Man felt his body return to Smash City and his look-alike allies disappear. He dry-heaved from the vertigo. It took a moment to take everything in. He'd just ended the lives of his hosts, without even realizing it.

"By the light! Who were those four fucks?"

"Beats the hell out of me," said Olimar, struggling to return to the stage. "But I'm glad to see you haven't lost the will to battle."

"Well... I gotta admit, that was pretty cool. But there's no way I'm going on like this. And y'all shouldn't put up with it, neither."

"Please, man. Listen to reason," said Pac-Man, blinking white as he descended his returning platform. "We can't just go rocking the boat-"

"What our friend means to say," Luigi began, interrupting Pac-Man, "is please look over there."

He turned Mega Man's attention towards the jumbo screens, where legions of adoring fans were cheering, crying, and generally wetting themselves with excitement over Mega Man's Final Smash moment. "I Heart Mega Man" and "I want your robot babies" signs were being held up by topless women of varying proportions, some of questionable age.

TV personality Monita (that floating TV host from _Nintendo Land_) was humping a telephone post in a bid for her viewers' attention.

"Witness the adoration," Luigi smirked. "The power you hold over your subjects."

"I'm witnessing, all right. And I rather like it."

"This is our Kingdom. Everything the light touches is ours, Mr. Man."

"What about that dark mansion, over there in the distance?"

"Ah... um." Luigi cleared his throat. "That's my personal sex dungeon, my friend. You must never go there."

The timer ran out on the battle. Mega Man had won by default, and was thus appeased. He shook hands with his co-combatants and took to waving to his adoring public.

Luigi, Pac-Man, Olimar, and the Villagers all gazed up to see the giant hand retreating into the clouds.

"Quick thinking on your part," Pac-Man admitted to Luigi. "We dodged a hell of a bullet bill there."

Luigi nodded. "Maybe so. But it's not always going to be this easy. This guy is a handful and a half. And we've got more coming the day after tomorrow."

Just then, a call came in from Mother Base. Luigi touched the lapel on his tux.

"Yes, Falco?"

"Boss, you're not gonna like this."

"What is it this time?"

"It's your brother. He's in a bad way."

"Aww, shit. Party's over. Let's head back, full speed ahead."

-(^o^)-

* * *

Hope you enjoyed Chapter Two! Chapter Three is coming shortly. :) Whether you enjoyed this chapter or not, I'd love to hear your feedback!


	3. With or Without You

**Chapter Three**

**With or Without You**

Mario guffawed as another Flappy Bird smashed into the side of a warp pipe and fell to the ground.

"God-a-damn, these-a things are funny. Go on, then, eat it!" he told Diddy Kong, who had already run up to the dying creature and was studying it carefully.

Donkey Kong offered Diddy a banana, but Mario shook his head. DK walked over to hand it to Diddy, but Mario toasted it with a fireball.

"Tonight's a big-a night. Exhibition match with-a the new guys. Get some fucking protein in you, ape. Don't a-make-a me shove it down your throat."

Not wanting to disappoint the boss, Diddy cracked the bird's neck, ending its misery, and then bit into it, savoring the taste of warm blood.

The plumber paid no heed to the rest of this gory scene, as he was invested in his bottle of Petit Rouge. When the bottle was emptied, he tossed it at DK – the thing shattered against the back of his head. DK, for his part, looked around in every direction for the source of the sudden blunt force pain and the shards of glass now dotting the grassy hill, but soon forgot about the event entirely, as was his wont at such occasions.

"The fuck is-a my pastrami sandwich?" Mario yelled at Princess Peach, who was busy laying out the picnic carpet and basket underneath a dancing tree.

"It'll be ready in a minute," she said, her voice chirpy and bright despite it all.

"I'm a-counting the seconds."

Princess Toadstool wished desperately that Luigi was there. He was always good at diffusing Mario's tension. It was almost a shame that his peacekeeping skills were so legendary as to make him indispensable with regards to the Smashgrounds' domestic troubles. Perhaps it was a blessing that at least one of the Mario brothers was competent enough to try his hand at managing the realm's affairs.

"Perhaps that's enough wine for now, darling?" she posited. Mario happily ignored her, following up a big bite of a red mushroom with an entire glass, which he proceeded to toss at a nearby Toad.

_I should have known better, _Peach thought. _It's so damned easy to provoke him._

"Check out the face on that o-! GWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

In the midst of his next glass, Mario doubled over in laughter as another Flappy Bird flattened itself, face-first, against a floating Warp Pipe. Writhing on the floor, wine-infused spittle erupted from every facial orifice.

The half-full glass landed on Peach's summer dress, staining it. There's a dirty joke in there somewhere, but the author was unable to find it.

Just as she tried to compose herself, Mario kicked over the picnic basket. He retched, but did not vomit, as the alcohol came back up his throat and tickled his tonsils.

"Mario, dear, are you okay?"

He mumbled something incoherently as she picked him up off the ground.

Peach's expression was one of worry. "Sorry, I didn't catch that. Babe, let's get you changed-"

Mario's gloved hand whipped away Peach's caring one.

"Mamma mia! Wh-where m-my sammich at? 'S Mario gon' hav-e-ta choke a bitch?"

The Princess' toes curled up, but she remembered to breathe, and calmed her nerves mere nano-seconds before something violent happened.

"It'd be ready sooner if you hadn't kicked our picnic basket over."

"Excu-sa me? I'm a-not sure I heard-a you say, 'coming right up'?"

"That's because I didn't."

"Well, you'd-a better. Come onna, just say it."

"Why?"

"'Coz then I'd reply, 'All right. I'ma come right up yo' asshole, sugartits,'" he smiled, and then spanked her bottom, before crying out, "Woohoo! Yipee!"

_There was a time when behavior like this was unthinkable – a time when there was a lot less riding on our shoulders. We were happy, then. _

_I know this from the pictures that line the castle walls, which trigger faint traces of warm memories that keep trying to find their way to the surface. Memories that carry an undercurrent of truth._

_But even more so, I know because I know deep down that I once loved him, and he once loved me._

Just as Peach finished commanding a Toad to make the sandwich and walked about twenty feet away to try and recover from the shock of Mario's heinous act, a second, more powerful thing smacked her buttcheeks, once, then twice, and finally, a third time. She spun around furiously.

From behind a nearby rock, that familiar voice sent the Princess flying off her handle.

"Yoshiiiiii!"

"Y-you! You perverted green f-f-f- idiot! How many times have I told you to stay away from me?"

To which Yoshi simply stuck out his tongue and made a suggestive motion akin to that of a kitten licking a bowl of warm milk.

"Yeah, you're laughing now. Wait 'till I get a Fire Flower, you sh-sh-shitake head!"

She pulled out a turnip and tossed it at the offensive beast.

But the dino simply ran off the scene. And Peach returned to a snickering Mario, with DK and Diddy giggling hysterically at her. Her worst death glare did nothing to quell the trio's drunken laughter.

She looked out beyond the horizon.

_This is it. I've officially had it._

Peach motioned for Toad to follow, and the two made for the floating carriage to take her back to the main island.

"Where do you think-a you're going?"

"Mario… I'm moving out."

The plumber immediately switched to apologetic mode. He shushed the apes up as best he could and chased the princess.

"H-hey. It's-a bad joke, honey. It's-a nothing."

"That's the problem, Mario. There used to be something. Now there's nothing."

"Peachy pie, I… I'm really drunk, baby. Let's head back together, eh? We'll talk this over."

"Yoshi!" the dinosaur inexplicably called from behind a nearby rock, shooting its tongue towards Peach's bottom. Mario stopped the tongue in its tracks, tied it around itself, then shot a barrage of fireballs at Yoshi, toasting the green fellow.

"I got him, baby! See! We'll have a romantic dinner. Your favorite place. Talk it out over some wine."

"There's nothing left to say. You want to keep drowning in your bottles, and I want the real you back."

"The fuck? It's a-me. I'm the same old Mario you always knew."

"We both know that's not true. Sorry, sweetie. I'm no longer in the babysitting business."

She snapped her fingers and four of her Toads brought forth her carriage. She ascended the stair and sat as her minions took her away.

"Peach, honey! I'm-a sorry! Come back!"

But she was already outlining a checklist of stuff for her Toads to pack as her vehicle crossed the gulf.

_There's one person I can go to at times like this. One true friend whom I know won't turn me away._

"Get me Zelda on the phone," she said.

* * *

The doors to the theater swung open with a cheerful force, and through them, a tall, dark figure strode, shortly swaggering forth down the aisle. He hummed a familiar tune (Gerudo Valley) while adjusting his backwards baseball cap.

Ganondorf snickered to his fellow bros. "Hey guys, you're never gonna believe what Chibi-Robo picked up yesterday."

Little Mac and Captain Falcon gathered around the data chip.

"Panties?" the Captain inquired. "No, wait. Hidden cams of our dear Sammy?"

Mac scratched his chin. "Ya know, I was gonna dare to hope for some escape plans or possibly something progressive to bring light to our situation, but I'd settle for a glimpse of our mutual friend."

The Captain patted their de facto leader on the back. "So what's the punchline, pops?"

But the Gerudo simply laughed and handed the chip to ROB, who proceeded to slot it into the projector in the back of the room.

"You two fucks have no idea what you're about to see."

ROB copied the file to its pr0n folder while hitting 'Play'.

The video showcased a beautiful woman with green hair, sitting spread-eagled on a covered bench in the midst of the hedge maze, the trellises above carefully concealing her from prying eyes. Between her legs, the familiar head of Pit was lapping up this woman's juices most enthusiastically.

"Who's that?" Captain Falcon salivated.

"Shut up and watch," Ganon replied.

The three men focused their attentions on the video, the angle of which had improved as Chibi-Robo climbed up the side of the trellis and zoomed in.

"Not too fast, kiddo. It isn't a race," she giggled.

"O-of course, Lady Palutena," he smiled, and slowed his tongue, tickling her love spot softly and a tad more tenderly. "H-happy to be at y-y-your service."

"Yes, you adorable thing… unf…" she writhed. Moaning, the Goddess grabbed his head and pushed his mouth closer and closer still, deeper into her pussy, till his tongue was in deep and his nose tickling her clitoris. She pushed her mound against his face and rocked back and forth.

"Mmm-mmmph. Harrr-drrr?"

Her reply was wordless, but in the affirmative. The Goddess pushed up powerfully against her lover. His lapping grew in intensity.

"Take off those shorts."

"Ma'am?"

"No. Call me 'Teena'," she mumbled. It was what her father called her, sometimes.

"Um… 'Teena… how would you like me to-"

"Just take 'em off!"

Not needing to be told again, Pit did. And both pairs of the Goddess' lips grew wet as the angelic boy stripped off his shorts.

"The boxers, too."

Pit teasingly pulled down his boxers slowly, and before it was scarcely visible, Palutena had already cupped his penis in one hand, and held his balls in her other palm.

"My, I detect that you're not yet at maximum firmness."

"I- I'm sorry-"

She shushed the boy and gently worked his member. He began to naturally caress her cheeks with his trembling fingers.

"You've _never_ done this before?" said she.

He shook his head vigorously. "N-not that I re-recall."

"I get it. Well, there's no need to be tense around me. Here, let's try something else."

Pit gulped as the Goddess stood and held him close. She massaged his shoulders, then his butt cheeks, and finally got down on her knees in front of him and licked the tip of his now very erect five-and-a-half-inch dick.

"There's a good boy."

Palutena wrapped her delicate fingers around its girth, and then pumped softly. Her lips engorged its head, with her tongue carefully stroking his shaft. She buried his length deeper into her face, until he tapped at the back of her throat. Then she sucked hard, mixing her saliva with her probing tongue.

After eliciting a few moans from her captive, she stood up suddenly in front of him, grabbed him by the chin with one hand and by the balls in the other, and bit his lip.

"How did that feel?"

"G-g-good."

"Mm-hmm. Now fuck me like a monster."

"Uh, d-do you mean to f-f-fuck you as if I am a monster, or to fuck you as I would fuck a mon-"

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

The Goddess let loose her robe and pushed Pit down onto the floor. The boy fell onto his back, hands pinned, and Palutena wasted no time in climbing onto him. Palutena stared him down with a wicked smile.

Pit instinctually reached around to grab Palutena's sweet behind, but she slapped his hands away.

"No touchy."

"But why?"

"Not until I say so."

She snapped her fingers. A sexy, jazz-infused number began to play ('Dolphin Shoals' from _Mario Kart 8_). To its rhythm, Palutena rocked her hips and lightly moved up and down, teasing Pit's shaft with her tight, wet hole until holding back became unbearable for the poor kid.

The insertion was sudden but immensely gratifying.

"Y-you're so tight!"

"It's 'coz I haven't shat in three days!"

"Geez, that was a bonerkill."

"Don't you dare!" She yelled, squeezing his member from her insides with her vaginal muscles as she pushed against him softly.

It didn't take long for Pit's penis to return to full form. He thrust into her repeatedly, burying his dick as deep as he could go.

"Unf… unf… Fuck! You're hitting my g-spot, over and over! Pit, honey, vuck me deeply!" she said in a dominatrixian German accent.

"Y-yes, milady!"

"Ja! Ja! Fuck me like I'm ze hottest Goddess out zere!"

Zat line gave ze boy a bit of pause, but he continued. Eventually Palutena slapped him in the face and bent on over to whisper in his ear.

"Mein engel! Das boot! Volkswagen!"

"T-this is the hottest moment of my life!" Pit cried. "O-or at least the few memories I have outside of this place. See, there's this weird memory that recurs, and it's sorta-"

She slapped him again, then flipped over so that Pit was on top, and wrapped her legs around his back. "Yes! You sexy plaything. I'm so glad I finally found you again!"

"Again?" Pit queried. "Have I been lost befo-"

"Shh, shh, don't think," Palutena cautioned. "Just fuck me!"

And Pit did fuck her, madly, deeply, for another thirty minutes or so. Little Mac started shaking his leg and Ganondorf actually checked his watch, twice.

"Kid has some stamina, I'll give 'im that," Captain Falcon nodded. "And I was happy about it at first, but now I'm ecstatic that the infamous Lady Palutena has finally found her way to our island of pleasures."

"Something tells me I've seen her here before. In any case, that woman's appetite is insatiable," Ganondorf observed. "She possesses some serious powers, too. I can tell just by looking at her aura."

"And that's something you can see through a pre-recorded video?" Little Mac asked, skeptically.

"Not normally. She was broadcasting herself to me, psychically. Must have known there were others with those sorts of powers. Maybe she even sensed my presence."

"Quite a feat," Captain Falcon chimed in. "Especially since Chibi-Robo got this video."

"On my orders, of course," said Ganon. "With a libido like that, it's no surprise she wants the D. My D, to be precise. Penetrating her every hole."

"We get it," Little Mac said. He'd already turned away from the video and was practicing his boxing moves on a nearby Sandbag. "Another potential perverted conquest for you."

Ganon smiled. "In any case, there's no indication the status quo is going to change. Our methods remain untraced, but now's not a time for unnecessary risks. We can afford to start small. Maybe get a shower video."

"You're no fun," Captain Falcon said. "Always playing it safe. That girl's as wild as an untamed Gyarados. I'm gonna make my move on her."

"You can try, but you might fail," replied Ganon. "At least my way, there's no chance of rejection."

"That's no way to live."

"On the contrary… in this world, there are those who go for their heart's deepest desires, wasting away with every effort only to discover them empty, and those whose imaginations offer contentment enough. The woman is a beast, yes, but she's also a hopeless control freak. Count me out of that drama."

"You speak as if you know her personally," said Little Mac. "So quick to judge."

Ganon took a second to compose his reply. "Um. Er. Well, it's true I don't _know _her. But..."

Just then, Jigglypuff sang the lunch bell theme over the PA system.

"Man, it's about time," Captain Falcon said with a grin. "I wonder if I'll get to sit next to Palutena."

"Ugh. Give it a rest," Ganon groaned.

The Gerudo King summoned forth Chibi-Robo and plugged him into his laptop.

-(^o^)-

Thanks again for reading! Chapter Four will take a little longer as I'm still working on the lunch scene. Hope y'all enjoyed it!


	4. Lunchroom Blitz

**Chapter Four  
Lunchroom Blitz**

"Come on, man. Try saying it. 'I fight for my friends.'"

"Minna, miteite kure!"

Ike resisted the urge to facepalm again. "Let's try it again. I… fiiiiight…"

"Saseru mono ka!"

"Goddamn it, Marth! You could at least try!"

"Gomen nasai."

"Y'know what, fuck it."

Ike collapsed into his lawn chair. He took the bong and lighter from a passed-out Popo and drew in a Critical Hit of Strawberry Cough.

"You're such a fuckin' square. We could be friends. Only, you're some fancy-pants pretty boy princess who converses in moonspeak. I mean, gosh golly. I'm pretty sure we originate from the same universe, and you won't even give me the time of day. How do you think that makes me feel?"

Marth reached a hand out to his only friend, whom he knew was from a different universe. "Mada tomodachi desu-"

"Fuck off," said Ike, unaware that Marth could understand English, but not speak it. He refilled the bong and was about to spark another hit when a loud THWACK sounded out from a few feet away.

"Nani datta?"

"The hell was that noise? Help me look around, will ya?"

The two swordsmen inspected the general area. It was Marth who discovered the source of the din, a hole in the floor, shaped like a short, flat man had just fallen a hundred feet to his death and ended up simply causing a cavernous hole in the astroturf.

"Daijobu desu ka?"

"Beep."

Head hung so low his forehead was dragging, Mr. Game and Watch shook himself from his daze. Marth helped him from the hole and to his feet. Ike ran to the scene and looked first to the poor 2D gentleman, and then up to the cliff from whence he'd fallen, seeking a reason, an instigator, a bully.

"What happened, bro?" he asked.

"Beep beep RING!"

"Zettai ni nai! Hontou iisai-"

"Come on, man. Someone spracken some Engrish around here, leastways," Ike groaned.

"Pardon me, but I saw the whole thing."

Captain Olimar appeared, sitting atop a shoebox throne being carried by a small horde of Pikmin.

"Good day, Captain. I see the whole entourage has returned. Care to enlighten us?"

"Well. My memory's a little hazy. Maybe a toke or two of your greeneries would help my senses?"

Ike shrugged. "Be my guest, man. The place is covered in this stuff. It's not as if we're gonna run out anyway."

The good Captain used a Fire Pikmin to light Ike's Fire Emblem-decorated bong and then took a deep drought from his whistle-hole, hotboxing his helmet.

"It's elementary, my dear Ichabod," he began. "Our black-faced friend here took a little dive off the deep end. Tried to become _an hero_."

"I'm still not understanding the situation. You mean he wanted to kill himself?"

A sad 'beeeeep' resounded from Mr. Game and Watch, who let tiny black tears fall from his face.

"H-hey, man." Ike said. He hugged the little dude. "Why so serious? We're all in this together."

Game and Watch continued to beep, sadly. He pulled out an Etch-A-Sketch and quickly drew an intricate picture. It was of Game and Watch himself, trying to speak and make gestures, and of several other people in the Smashgrounds, with "?" symbols hovering in cartoon bubbles above their heads. The message was clear as day to Ike.

"I see. No one can understand you."

Game and Watch nodded vigorously. This was a long-forgotten dream, for someone to reach out and listen.

"But you can understand me?"

He nodded again.

"How about that guy?" Ike said, pointing to Marth. "Do you understand what he's saying?"

The dark one nodded once more.

"Huh! Well, then. What say you the three of us develop ourselves a friendship?"

Game and Watch cried, even harder this time, and the floor began to flood with his tears. He leapt to embrace Ike and Marth.

"H-hey, little guy. It's all right. It's gonna get better, just you wait."

"Sore wa ranchitaimudesu," said Marth.

"You know I don't speak-a your language," Ike groaned. "Just smile and give me a vegemite sandwich."

"According to my digital translator, pretty boy says it's time for lunch," Olimar announced, leading the rabble from the courtyard.

It was an odd procession to be sure: Olimar, Game and Watch, Marth, and Ike, carrying a barely conscious Popo on his shoulders.

They ascended a short staircase, walked down the marble hallway, and rode the lift up from the gardens to the ground floor.

"So what are the new guys like?" Ike asked. "They cool?"

Olimar coughed. "Well, two of 'em seem nice. The Villagers. Rather quaint, actually. For some unexplained reason, they worship Pac-Man. But there's this other dude... Ultraman or something. Total douchebag. Decided to go one on one with Puck. Ended up with a lucky break. Nabbed the Smash ball and took Luigi and I down, too."

"Sounds like a capable fighter."

"That rusty schmuck? He just got lucky. He almost incurred the wrath of the Crazy Hand."

"No shit?"

"Speak of the devil, there he is, now."

Mega Man strutted around a corner like he owned the place, shadowed on either side by Luigi and Pac-Man. The two Villagers brought up the rear, ogling at every framed painting and suit of armor decorating the grounds.

The Female Villager kept gasping in shock. "This must have cost you guys, like, trillions of Bells!"

"Not sure what the exchange rate is," Luigi muttered. "We use standard coins around here, which you can get from optional daily matches. You'll have to talk to Dr. Wright about getting your currencies sorted. But we didn't foot the bill for this place. It came as-is."

The Male Villager scratched his head. "The hell? No mortgage? Where's the fun in that?"

"Yo, Weegee!" called Ike.

The green plumber nodded. "Good afternoon, Ike. Have you seen my brother, perchance?"

"Nah, not since he passed out at karaoke last night."

"Mamma mia. Friends, allow me to introduce you to Mega Man, and the Male and Female Villagers. Guys, this is Ike. The Inuit gentleman on his back is Popo. That handsome devil who speaks a foreign tongue is Marth. You've met Captain Olimar. And that's... um... man... ah, right! Mr. Game and Watch, down below. We call him 'GW'. How could I forget..."

Mr. Game and Watch rang his bell to welcome the Newcomers.

"A pleasure to make your acquaintances," Ike said with a smile.

Beside him, Marth bowed wordlessly.

"Nice sword," Mega Man said. "Long and thick. Compensating for something?"

Every eye in the room turned to Ike, but the swordsman just shrugged the comment off.

"If I had a coin every time an intelligent lifeform told me that, I'd still be broke."

The hall erupted in laughter, and Mega Man felt quite the fool.

"Oh!" he exclaimed five seconds later as an aside to the Male Villager, the only person still willing to be within five feet of him. "Is it coz... I'm not intelligent? Or am I not a lifeform?"

The Male Villager smirked. "Bro, there's some questions only you yourself can answer."

There was no time for Mega Man to digest these words, since at that moment they'd reached the dining hall. The double doors swung open. Arranged all across a perfectly round mahogany table with the Smash logo imprinted on its surface were over thirty other Smashers, and all stood in respect and applauded to welcome the Newcomers.

"Welcome, welcome!" Link said, raising a toast. "We are honored to host you here today, as our brothers and sister in arms, at the Smash Round Table. On behalf of myself and the other Smashers, may you enjoy this buffet meal, so lovingly concocted by our resident chef Mama and her many helpers. L'chaim!"

Suddenly, a cupcake went flying into the Hylian's face, broke apart upon hitting him right between the eyes, and fell down into his clam chowder, which upended and stained his newly washed tunic, all in painful slow motion.

With fire in his eyes, Link turned immediately to the source of the antagonism and whipped out his Gale Boomerang, but the culprit was already making for the exit.

"Yoshiiiii!" the thing cried in wild ecstasy.

The boomerang missed, and on its return, it carried a cream pie into Link's boiling face. Wiping away the cream of shame, he drew the Master Sword and ran out the door to give chase with a loud battle cry.

"THAT'S TWICE TODAY, YOU DINGBAT DINO! NO MORE! YOU GET BACK HERE AND FACE ME!"

When the doors finally slammed shut and Link was agreed to be out of earshot, the room burst into unfettered giggling. Pikachu and his entourage of groupies all chuckled riotously. Even the notoriously quiet Rosalina fell into an adorable round of laughter.

In the chaos, Wario choked on a muffin. Little Mac gave him an uppercut in the gut, sending the pastry flying out at top speed into the "?" block centerpiece, which gave forth a regular mushroom power-up.

"You all right, old man?" Little Mac asked Wario.

"Chyeah!" he said in between coughs. "That's a hell of a punch ya got there, Mac."

While watching Bowser munch on the stray mushroom, Mega Man raised an eyebrow. He'd sized the rabble up and found it rather lacking. "Are you guys, like, for real? What is this, some kind of a cult?"

"Hey, chillax, kid," said a bored-sounding voice from a buffed-up dude with a red helmet. "Name's Captain Falcon. The terror o' the galaxy. Have a seat."

Saddened that he was stationed far from the lovely Palutena, Captain Falcon grabbed a handful of rather expensive fatty tuna sashimi from the innermost of the three ascending rings of conveyor belts and shoved the whole mess down his throat. He chased it with a shot glass of pre-wasabi-mixed soy sauce.

"Ahhh! That's how ya do it! What's your poison, little man? The selection's off the charts here!"

Sadly, Mega Man held up an Energy Tank. "Um. I don't really eat living stuff. At least, not until it's been turned into electricity."

"Your loss, bro. Talk to Cooking Mama, maybe. Who knows? Maybe they'll have some batteries or electric goo enemies on the menu tomorrow."

Mega Man sized his conversational partner up. "Say, you look like a big, strong fellow."

Captain Falcon held a hand up to pause Mega Man, as he was in the process of swallowing the whole cheeseburger he'd just shoved into his mouth. "Whoa, you tryin' to hit on me, dude? I'm flattered, don't get me wrong, but let's get to know each other first, yeah? Spar a while. Watch each other sweat a few times. We might end up catching a couple of wayward glances across the training room. And then maybe, just maybe, we'll sneak into each other's beds at night to cuddle, wordlessly, under the stars. On our days off, we'll watch 'Clueless' under a pillow fort while painting each other's toenails. You with it?"

The scenario was so vivid it took Mega Man a big shake of the head to snap out of it. "Huh? No, no, it's... man, you... you had the wrong idea. Really made me lose my train of thought. It's just... you seem on the level, ya know? I gotta ask, what do you know about this place? Who's in charge? I'd like to give him a piece of my mind."

Falcon laughed aloud. He elbowed Fox, who was next to him.

"Dude! Dude, get a load of this! Guy wants to give whoever's in charge a piece of his mind!"

Fox ignored Falcon's boisterous laughter and adopted a serious face. "You _really_ wanna know who's in charge? What's your name, freshman?"

"Mega Man. I'm the Super Fighting Robot! Defender of-"

"Yeah, yeah, skip the pleasantries. Guess what? _I'm_ in charge, big boy."

"Huh? Ya mean you're the bonehead who came up with this stupid fuckin' brothel of brawling?"

Fox crossed his legs on the table and picked his nose. "That's right. Whatcha gon' do about it?"

"Well, first off, I'm going to punch a hole in your face!" Mega Man screamed in his best shounen voice, and stood in his chair, aiming his gun-arm at Fox McCloud. "You took me from my homeland and fucked with my head, all for what?! To have me fight like a slave?"

Fox's voice raised three octaves, and each strand of his fur stood on end. "H-hey! It was a bad joke! Bad joke!"

"Just how stupid do ya think I am, fox-man?"

"Stupid enough to make a Spiral Mountain out of one of Jamjars' molehills," a female voice responded. "The only thing Fox here is the boss of is a four-man mercenary team."

Mega Man spun around to face the wrong end of a gun-arm much larger than his own. It belonged to a towering suit of armor, worn by an Amazonian woman twice his size.

"Do I have something on my visor, little boy blue? Drop the weapon. Unless you're eager to lose your head."

"Heeeeeeyy baaaaaaby. Dig the suit. What'll it take to get you out of it?"

"I take my suit off for no one, especially idiots like you," she said, and her green visor peeled back to reveal a beautiful blonde face. "We have food fights every other day. I'm not in the mood to start another one, so please, lower your weapon."

"Anything for you, babe," The Blue Bomber said, complying. Stars filled his eyes at the very sight of her face. "Such a dizzying beauty should not be locked up and forced to cohabitate with these slumdog peasants. Do you dance the Mamba, the Salsa, or the Santa Maria?"

"Ugh. Why does this happen so often?" Samus mumbled. "Look, I'm not on the market right now. And even if I was-"

"Who's your significant other? I'd like to congratulate him on a job well done."

Samus gestured to Fox, who threw her a wink as he munched on a chicken drumstick. It took several seconds for the Blue Bomber to register this as fact.

"_Him?!_ Ya mean poop breath?" Mega Man cried. "Oh, honey, you can do much better than that guy! I betcha he ain't even house trained!"

"Hey, I'm right here, buddy. You got somethin' to say, say it to my face," said Fox. "Or do you want to take this outside?"

Mega Man put up his hands. "I already won one battle today. My first _ever_, mind you. Against three other guys. So I won't say no. But by all means, finish up your lunch."

"Yeah, maybe I will. Dessert can wait, since I'm gonna use your detached head to crush some ice for my celebratory mimosas."

"Ugh, boys! This is ridiculous," said Samus. "I wish I could eat _just one_ meal in peace."

She walked back over to her seat to finish her Metroid-shaped gelatin, and Mega Man made a scene of admiring her luscious behind, even through her armor.

"Damn, it sure looks like she's wearing a thong. What do you think, Falcon? Is that a thong? 'Coz I definitely think it is."

But Captain Falcon was too busy gorging on the fettucini alfredo.

"You're really starting to tick me off," said Fox, now munching on ribs, death glare fixed on Mega Man.

"Funny. I'd have thought your girlfriend the type to give her pet a flea shower once in a while. But what's the use of expecting hygiene from such a mangy mutt?"

"AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!" Fox's jaw snapped his spare ribs in half. He performed a Fox Illusion dash move, cancelled it mid-way, grabbed Mega Man, beat on him twice, and tossed him out the stained-glass window thirty feet up, sending deadly glass falling down onto the other diners. Fox then used a Fire Fox move to get up to the ledge, then leapt onto Mega Man to punish him before he hit the grounds far below.

Meanwhile, Rosalina, Luma, and Falco dashed in to reflect the falling glass, but missed a huge slab, which stabbed King Dedede through the back and came out the other side with a disturbing yet satisfying 'SSSCCCHHHWWIIING' sound.

Everyone in the dining hall gasped.

Kirby dashed to help his nemesis. "Holy shit dude, you just got fuckin' stabbed through the chest! Quick, what do we do?"

Dedede held his friend's stubby arm shakily. "G-g-g-get me the baked lobster tails... hurry..."

Suddenly the doors slammed open.

"Aaaaah'm a DUCKTER! Make-a way!" A drunken Mario exclaimed, waddling on the scene with a lab coat on backwards and a stethoscope wrapped around his forehead, its tunable diaphragm hanging down in front of his face and swinging like a pendulum with his erratic movements. He was near tipping over.

"I've a-been looking for you everywhere, Mario!" Luigi exclaimed. "Falco told me what-a happened this morning. That you emptied out your liquor cabinet. We need to talk."

"Stand a-back, you charlatan!" he cried, tossing Luigi from the room. "I... I went-a through med school, I think. Lemme have a look."

"Um! I'd highly recommend a second opinion!" cried Peach. "He's a quack."

Dr. Mario tossed a pill at her. "And you a straight-up 'HO BAG!"

Peach's Toad reflected the pill back. It landed in Donkey Kong's mouth and sent him running off to the men's room, sharting all the way.

Tearing his non-existent hair out, Kirby was livid. "I don't care about your lover's quarrel! Hurry up and do something, Doctor!"

Dr. Mario inspected the wound thoroughly. "Ah! Looks like full-on impalement. I got just the thing. This won't hurt a bit."

Without any further ado, Dr. Mario cracked his knuckles and yanked the 4' x 2' shard of glass straight out from Dedede's back. Blood spurted every which way, staining everything in sight.

"WAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGG!"

Like a beached whale landing on an island covered in poprocks, the poor penguin spasmed onto the table in pain and ultimately collapsed on the conveyor belts, sending porridge and casserole flying every which way.

Kirby leapt into Peach's arms in abject terror.

"What have we done?" he cried.

-(^o^)-

* * *

Heya there! Hope y'all are diggin' the story so far! Whether or not you're enjoying what you're reading, pretty please be sure to leave a review! I'd love to hear from you! :D


	5. Don't Look Back in Anger

**Author's Note:** Hi all! I hope very much that you're enjoying the fic. Just letting y'all know, this Peach/Samus/Zelda-centric chapter is a little heavier on plot and character development and lighter on sex and humor. But it'll all pay off in the future, believe me. ;)

**sippurp123:** Thank you so much for you review! Glad you like what's going on with Link and Zelda. I will try to update as often as possible but my vacation ends on Wednesday, at which time I'll be busy at work, so the updates may slow down then. But I'm going to dedicate as much of my free time as possible to this story, as I'm really fired up about it. :)

* * *

**Chapter Five**

**Don't Look Back In Anger  
**

While Dedede continued to spasm on the dining table, bleeding out from both his front and back, Dr. Mario simply scratched his head, as if trying to diagnose the problem.

"I think-a you need to lose some weight, Dedede."

"This is probably the first time you've seen Mario like this, so I won't say 'I told you so'," Peach told Kirby. While petting the pink fluffball, she realized he was really rather like a silky balloon in terms of surface texture. "Truth is, he's only a doctor in his imagination. Probably gets high off his own supply."

"I shoulda listened to you," Kirby said sadly, watching Dedede flop about until he passed out and medically died of internal hemorrhaging.

Everyone held their breath, except for Wario, who began to puke in his bowl of Koopa soup, the Wii Fit Trainers, who vacated the scene, and Diddy Kong, who used the opportunity to steal the last banana split from under Pac-Man's non-existent nose.

Five excruciating seconds after official brain death, Dedede's wounds patched themselves. His vitals kicked back in and he gasped for breath, and then stood back up on the table.

"Ha! Haaaaaaaaah! Ho... holy shit. Holy shit," he said in a deep voice, grabbing at his chest. He quickly spun around to face Mario, who was taking a long drought of mead from a drinking horn. "Damn, sonny. That was some straight-up _dumb_ shit y'all just pulled, Mario. Like, really, really dumb. Fo' real. Now them lobster tails be all covered in blood."

Dedede ate them anyway.

"The hell, man! You could have left one for me!" Kirby yelled.

ROB burst in from the kitchen and took one look at the mess the dining hall had become.

"Better than yesterday," it said chirpily, and began to wipe the blood off the floor while humming Guile's theme.

Kirby looked around the room, which had now emptied for the most part. "Where'd everyone go?"

"Probably to watch the fight," said a tired-looking Bowser, who was using a napkin to wipe the blood and food off his face. "This whole affair is making me ill. I'm going to shower, then head to the library to continue my research. Peach, I'd like to talk later today, if you'd be so inclined. It's rather important."

"Of course, Koops," she said. "Just give me a ring."

Still carrying Kirby, Peach walked out of the room and towards the nearest unoccupied balcony, where they caught a glimpse of the destruction that was being wrought on Mega Man.

Fox was punishing the Bomber at close quarters, slamming him on the floor, and then performing a scissor kick from the ground as his opponent was launched into the air, sending him higher still. Fox then leapt and performed a jumping kick, which sent Mega Man rebounding off of the castle's outer walls and back into his mid-air corkscrew attack.

"Sheeyit. Dat new boy, he be a dick alright, but I almost feel bad fo' 'im," said Dedede. "Almost... ah, well. Back to dessert. Come on, Kirbs."

"I'll pass on the food," he said, squinting across the way. "Looks like Lucario's starting a betting pool over there. I'ma check it out. Thanks again, Peach."

As the penguin and the puffball left the scene, Peach was left alone with Samus to watch the destruction. The bounty hunter had just shed her big metal suit and was now leaning ever so comfortably on the railing, her luscious assets hanging out, both front and back. Her body was so mesmerizing it took a lot of willpower to stop even Peach from staring.

"You know," Samus began, "I should probably be greatly offended by this. But I'm not. It's actually kind of hot."

Peach smiled. "You probably won't believe me, but I understand completely."

"Oh, I believe you, all right," said the bounty hunter. "No offense. It's just... based on all those pictures in the hallways I figured you've been fought over more than any other woman in existence. I'm kind of jealous."

Peach rolled her eyes. "Not to burst your bubble, Ms. Aran, but I'm fairly sure the whole rivalry between Mario and Bowser is a big act. I just wish I understood _why, _and how I'm supposed to fit in. Maybe it's a front to justify the benefits of the war economy."

"That's not too far-fetched of a theory. And call me 'Samus.' We've known each other long enough."

"Very well, Samus," Peach said with a smile. The name rolled off her tongue rather easily.

"Isn't it curious how some of us remember more than others?"

Peach twiddled her thumbs. "I don't know if it's a curse or a blessing, but everyone from the Mushroom Kingdom boasts a somewhat larger pool of collected memories."

"Trust me, it's a blessing. From what I remember, my life wasn't that great, but I'd still give anything to know who I really am. And I hope we find out what the deal is with this gaudy place fairly soon. I need to get back to my world."

"Any particular reason? Do you not like it here?"

Samus paused to consider her answer. _I do kind of like it here_, she thought. _As an adoptive child and a nomad, I don't remember much of home, but what I do recall was terribly lonely. Does it even exist anymore?  
_

"Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to pry-"

"No, no, it's fine. I've just... never really thought about it, but I do like it here," Samus replied with a smile. "You and the others have been very kind. The food's good, and the recreational facilities are top-notch. Still, I have this feeling like I'm needed somewhere else, you know?"

Peach nodded. "Definitely. If I really am a princess, then my people need me, too."

"GWAAAAH!" Fox screamed as he was flung into a tree, and then back towards Mega Man's flaming sword. He dodged the attack, used his reflector to bounce back Mega Man's neutral shots, and went in to combo him again when the Blue Bomber got stunned.

"Looks like your boyfriend is cleaning up," said Peach, somewhat wistfully. _Meanwhile, my ex is too busy drowning his sorrows. 'Ex'. Ha! I'll have to get used to calling him that. And I need to finalize all the arrangements with Zelda before he trashes my side of the suite... if only someone could help him._

The princess wiped a tear from her face discreetly; so discreetly, in fact, that Samus registered it as a yawn.

Ms. Aran was never too good at reacting promptly to others' emotions. "I... um. I need to use the ladies' room. If... uh... you ever want to talk or something, let me know," she said with a nod. "I dwell in 204, right beside Zelda."

"O-of course," Peach replied, a little stunned. It was the first time she'd ever heard Samus say something of the sort. "Thanks for the offer. I'll seeya around."

"Laters."

As she walked away, Samus felt a pain in her chest.

_What the hell is your problem? She was going to tell you something. Peach was going to open herself up to you! Why are you so afraid? Are you trying to protect your ego, or are you just stupid? She's one of the kindest people here. It isn't as if you have anything to lose by listening._

_No! No, I mustn't make friends here. I need to focus on winning. Maybe if I win enough matches, I'll get to go home._

_Ugh! Who are you fooling? That isn't the real reason you're avoiding anyone who wants to open up to you. Hell, you _need _friendship and support to survive here. No woman is an island. Even the strongest person in the Galaxy needs to vent once in a while._

So dazed was the bounty hunter that she nearly walked straight into Zelda, who was, oddly enough, making towards their mutual friend on the balcony.

"Oh! Sorry, Zelda," she said, gazing down at the regal brunette.

"It's fine," Zelda replied, unfazed, and then puckered her brow as Samus strode even faster off the scene.

The Hylian reeled from the strength of Samus' self-effacing thought cycle. One of the unpleasant things about her ability was that more often than not, she couldn't exactly control what she overheard or opt to shut the feelings out, especially if the other person was projecting or actively engaging with their thoughts.

"Man," she said aloud as she reached the French doors. "That poor woman really needs to connect with someone who isn't a narcissistic fox."

"Pardon?" Peach called from the balcony's tea table. She handed Zelda a cup of Earl Grey, black, with half a sugar cube, just the way she liked it.

"Ah, I just encountered Ms. Aran. She was mentally cursing herself out for being too afraid to get close to you."

Peach raised an eyebrow. "Spoilers much? I don't think you're supposed to be sharing other people's personal thoughts. That crosses, like, so many ethical boundaries."

Zelda nodded. "I know, I know. I only mention it because it really seems like you'd be great friends. She's my neighbor; I can't help but listen in once in a while. She respects you, Peachie, more than you'll ever know. The way you handle yourself, especially."

"You mean the way I hide my emotions, more like," Peach said wryly. "I suppress my feelings until they fester into a big ball of neuroses. Maybe if I'd acted out earlier, I could have-"

The other princess put her gloved hand on Peach's arm. "You did everything you could to help Mario. To be honest, I think that his condition must have carried over from wherever he came from. He took to the bottle like he was born holding one. I've told you time and again, there's a lot of pain going on in that head of his. Do you remember what it was like the first time he tried to quit?"

"I remember…" said Peach, though she almost wished she could forget.

_How difficult was it to tolerate thee? Let me count the ways._

_He'd wake up screaming at three in the morning. Break into Donkey Kong's room and smack him with a hammer. Break into Bowser's room and toss him out the window. He'd crush furniture by jumping on it repeatedly. Steal vehicles and drive them through the castle and into the gardens. It was weeks of dealing with the vomit, the stench, the cursing, and the groping. I'd be giving him sponge baths when no one else would go near him. Fun times, those were._

"If I overstepped my boundaries, Peach, I-"

"No, you're right. We tried everything we could. We sat him down. Tried to get him to talk about his latent problems, his memories, over and over… so that he could get some kind of closure for the past. But that stubborn man just won't budge. He won't speak a word. Even you can't get through his alcohol-muddied brain. Nothing works."

"He's in Luigi's hands now. Speaking of those memories, you share some of them too, don't you?" Zelda asked. "They come to the surface sometimes. You can't fool a genuine mind reader."

"I… I'm not sure."

"Fascinating. I don't sense that you're lying. Perhaps it's a mechanism your subconscious has employed. Or maybe I can just see into your head better than you can. If you will, please humor a theory Link and I have toyed around with. What if we are all actually suppressing our memories, rather than having forgotten them? That would explain why some of us have strong positive or negative recollections. They're the ones that won't be silenced."

Peach massaged her temples. "Ugh. Do not want. By the gods, this is heavy."

"Cheer up, emo girl. Let's take a walk down to the tennis courts."

To keep the mood light-hearted, the princesses changed the subject and instead began discussing various topics of gossip and rumors, especially regarding the Newcomers. These the narrator decided were of little general importance to this tale, especially since Ness and Sheik were able to catch them before they hit the tennis court.

"Sheik!" Zelda cried, spotting the duo walking towards them. She closed her eyes in concentration for a moment. "And Ness. Ah... I see. You wish for me to help you understand your nightmares."

"H-h-how did you know that?" Ness said incredulously.

Peach, too, was rather surprised. To her knowledge, only Link, Sheik, and herself knew about Zelda's power, and she'd always seemed content to keep it that way.

"That's for me to speculate on, and you to find out once I've reached a logical conclusion as to the origin of my unique power," said Zelda with a smile. "But I understand this is a matter of utmost importance. First off, we'll need a quiet place. Someplace where I won't be bothered by any distractions."

The princess looked over the way to see Yoshi ogling them from atop a palm tree. Having been caught, the dinosaur slid down the tree and hid in some nearby bushes.

Realizing that their dismissal of his temporary distraction meant he was still off the hook, Yoshi snickered and adjusted the antenna on his remote control.

When no one was looking, a small, quiet car with an upward-facing camera mounted atop it dashed out from underneath Zelda's skirt and made its way under Peach's.

* * *

Luigi peeked through the blinds of his office, gazing out at the Smashgrounds below. His eyebags told the story of a man worn down by his myriad daily duties. He peeked on over to his brother, sitting nearly passed out on his leather chair, a wet towel draped over his red face.

"We've been through this many times, brother. You're not a doctor."

"Fuck-a you. I have a degree, bitch."

Luigi slammed his palm on the tabletop.

"That's an expired _Mario Party _stamp card! It's worthless! Listen. You drove Peach away again, drank every last drop of alcohol on the second floor, smashed the kart trophy cabinets, and peed all over the hallway screaming, and I'm quoting Kirby here, 'Hey, ladies. Mario is on the menu! I'm gonna FLUDD some ovaries tonight!' Then you practically murdered one of our fellow Smashers at lunch. That's sure a great way to-a welcome our new fighters."

"Izzzz not a-murder. Not unless it was intentional. Malpractice, if anything. And I don't remember any of-a that other shit. Kirby's just a-stirring the pot."

"What are you, now, a lawyer, too? Don't you have anything to say for yourself? To_ your own brother_, of all people, who's taken over this job that _no one else_ wants?"

"No one's a-makin' you do it," Mario shrugged. "Look't me! I'm a free man! Happier than I ever was!"

"That's because you're always intoxicated," said Luigi. "Wait till you get off that shit and see what the real world is like. It ain't pretty."

At this, Mario burst out into dark laughter. "The 'real world', you say? There ain't anything _real _about it. _Fuori de testa, Luigi! _It's not a-me that's crazy! You know as well as I do what this place is! You just can't admit it to yourself!"

Luigi took another swig, but neglected to pour Mario's offered glass.

"Empty words. Tell me something I don't know, or get out of my office before I lose it."

"Even if I could remember anything, brother, you're still not a-ready," Mario said between hiccups. "I get it. You're afraid of what you might learn. Ya sure don't want to end up like me. Let's have another, eh?" He begged, reaching for the bottle. "I just lost a-my girlfriend, _paisano_."

Luigi pulled it away. "Pathetic. What do you think Peach would say if she could see you now?"

At the mention of Peach's name, gigantic tears began welling up in Mario's eyes. "W-why? Why you gotta say it like-a that?"

"Because the more you try to forget about her, the worse it's a-gonna be for you. We'll talk more later."

"I think-a you mean you'll talk, and-a I'll drink."

"Some Toads are gonna take you to the bathhouse and clean ya up. I got business to take care of," Luigi said, and then turned to Falco. "Get 'im outta my sight."

The bird placed a wing on Mario's shoulder. It was promptly smacked away.

"Don't treat a-me like I don't know where the door is."

With that, Mario stood, tripped on his feet, and fell to the floor. He then picked himself up and waddled out of the office.

Luigi lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. _Maybe if you started acting like a man again, I'd treat you like one._

"Who's first on the list?" he called out.

Falco checked his clipboard. "Pikachu, Godfather. Says he needs some help dealing with an old friend."

"Le sigh. Very well. Let him in."

The doors soon opened to two familiar Pokemon – Pikachu, with a pair of sunglasses resting atop his head, and Meowth, who followed him around as a translator. The yellow mouse had his throng of supermodel-looking groupies wait in the lobby, bidding them goodbye with tiny electric kisses.

"Pika, pika, Pikachu," he said as he strode into Luigi's dusty chambers and kissed the Don's hand.

Meowth cleared his throat. "The venerable Pikachu would like to extend his gracious thanks to the Don for seeing him on such short notice."

Luigi smirked as he poured their drinks. "It isn't every day I get flattered so. There's serious business on your mind, and hardly enough time on mine. What can I do you for?"

"Piiiika. Pi-ka-chu, pi-pi. Kaaachu. Pika pi!"

"Pikachu says, he don't remember none of this, but apparently, there's this guy, a human. Name of Ash. Says we was on a TV show together. Apparently he pulled some stupid shit and got himself fired and replaced by a look-alike. Now, he spends every day spamming my voicemail, asking for a handout. I told him he should act like a man. But he won't stop begging me to kick-start his career. It's pathetic."

"Do you take ice?" Luigi asked, to which Pikachu nodded. Falco passed over two glasses of rum, and the four drank together.

"So I take it you'd like for me to help your friend."

Pikachu burst into uncontrollable laughter. "P-p-piiiiii! Pika pi pi! Pikaaaaaaaa!"

"He says, with all due respect, no fuckin' way, man," Meowth said. "Quite the contrary. He wants to troll the living shit out of him until Ash's mental state regresses to that of a developmentally-challenged two-year-old, and for the big punchline, he needs your help. You do have a large degree of control over the Smash City TV programming, do you not?"

"Indeed, we do," Luigi said, scratching his head. "And to do this thing, I would require a significant favor in return from yours truly, of course, at a later date. But this all begs the question… why?"

The electric mouse lowered his voice and flashed a devilish grin. "Piiiiika."

"My, that sounded ominous," Falco quipped.

Meowth looked at Pikachu quizzically. "For the… _lulz_, he says. Whateva that means."

* * *

Hey everyone! How's my writing? Please let me know what you think with a Review or Follow! It would mean more to me than you'll ever know. Thanks!


	6. Goddess in Purgatory

**Author's Note:** Hey everyone! Sorry this update took a little longer. Work has been insane, so I might be slowing down to 1-2 updates a week until things quiet down.

**sipurp123:** I'm very glad you enjoy the Mario and Peach thread and how the characters in general are progressing. They will be featured a lot in the future. I decided early on that I wanted to play certain characters straight while others (Mega Man) would be off-the-wall. Zelda is starting look like as important of a character as Link.

**Guest:** So happy that you're liking how things are developing! Thanks for your thoughts.

* * *

**Chapter Six**

**Goddess in Purgatory  
**

"Where is it they sell cigarettes around here?" Palutena grumbled.

"No idea, 'Teena," replied Pit.

"Don't call me that. My lecherous old dad used that name. Call me 'Bobette'."

"Yes, Bobette."

"I like how subservient you are. And that you get off on doing as you're told. It really turns me on."

"Really?"

"Well, it's a different sort of turn-on than I believe I'm used to."

"And what would that be?"

"Bondage. Kidnapping hot twinks and fucking them straight. Vore. Necro. Tying up Hades, teasing him with a vibrating cock ring and making him beg for me, then anally violating him with my staff."

"Really, now." Pit did not sound convinced.

"I'm dead serious. I don't remember much about being a Goddess, but I do know that I personally take great enjoyment in being creative in bed. You should be taking notes. And by _should_,I mean take notes _now_."

"Y-y-yes, ma'am," Pit said, pulling out his smartphone. "I'm r-r-ready."

"Your Mistress also enjoys long walks on skull-covered beaches, bukkake, heavy metal, tentacles, the lesser known works of Dostoevsky, and cocaine. Oh, and passionate sex with Viridi."

"Viri-who?"

Palutena whipped out a polaroid of a diminutive, moë-looking Nature Goddess.

"WHAT? _Her?_" he yelled. He recalled the woman's childlike face and bossy attitude, if nothing else."That's disgusting! She's… she's like, a little girl!"

"Puh-lease. Don't let her looks fool you. She's at least as old as I am, and just as horny. I don't usually discuss my age, but after the first few thousand years, vanilla sex starts to lose its luster. Nothing a newly devirginized angel like you would know."

Pit rolled his eyes. _Really, Bobette? You think you're thousands of years old? I guess she seriously believes the act, in her persona as this 'Goddess'. If you're truly a Goddess, then why are you trapped in Purgatory to fight with us? If everyone's immortal, then no one is truly alive. I thought you were smarter than me. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Or has your CPU's circuitry truly been fried to the core?_

"Milady, we can't exactly be sure about our origins. Where we come from, why we're here…"

Palutena scoffed. "So? Nothing is certain, but faith can make or break reality. My destiny is what I believe it will be."

"Th-that makes no sense at all. The laws of physics and nature do not bend to one person's will and desires."

"Hey! Did I just hear a coherent thought come from your mouth?"

Pit gulped. "Ma'am, I-"

She leapt atop the boy and slammed him against the ground, and then climbed atop him and bared her teeth, her face hovering mere inches above his own. "Critical thinking is the mark of a heretic. Are you challenging your Goddess' authority?! I _make _the laws of physics and nature, dammit, and I say there's power in positive thinking! It's the law of attraction! You simply have to picture yourself fucking the hottest, sexiest, sweatiest models in the universe. Just picture it really, really hard, and it'll end up happening. It's never been an issue for me. In fact, allow me to offer a demonstration. I will fuck the next group of men I see out of her senses."

With that, Palutena leapt up and fixed her hair.

_You're hopeless_, Pit thought as he gathered himself. _Of course men are gonna want to fuck you. You're ageless, hot, and willing. I just wish I could make you happy._

"What were you thinking just now?" she demanded.

"N-nothing!"

"Good," she said, and then kissed him passionately, biting his tongue at the end.

As they continued walking, she had one more thing to add. "By the way, I hope you're cool with cuckolding. Because I don't believe in monogamy, or monoamory."

"What's monogamy? Is that, like, a disease, or-"

"Yes. Yes, it is."

But Pit wasn't so sure. As the duo walked past one of the central swimming pool areas, a loud fit of coughing caught Palutena's attention. She wandered off the path to investigate.

Captain Olimar, Ike, Popo, Game and Watch, Lucario, and Kirby were all soaking in the rejuvenating hot springs, passing around Ike's bong. The gaggling group of gentlemen gaped at the Goddess, who stood with her arms crossed, much resembling a bossy schoolteacher. Her very presence silenced their discussion on the ratio of Rosalina's measurements relative to her ridiculous height.

"Hot damn. Just what _is_ that pungent aroma?" she asked.

"Uhhh… I think it's called… fuck, man, what's it called, again?" Ike asked Lucario, his eyes never leaving the Goddess' shapely figure.

"Diced Chikorita Intestine, I believe. Private Reserve," the Pokemon broadcasted psychically, after inspecting his one-ounce bag. "It's a particularly potent strain of marijuana."

"So it's… a plant… and you're… smoking it? Through that glass contraption?"

The guys all looked at each other before turning back to the Goddess.

"Yeah," said Olimar, who just received the bong. "Wanna try some?"

"Fuck yeah," she said chirpily, then kicked off her sandals and dipped her dainty feet in the tub.

_Oh, brother, _Pit thought, standing off to the side. "B-b-be careful. D-don't take too much of it…"

But Palutena was already a master of bong-lighting. She drew in a humongous hit, much to the astonishment of the other guys, and exhaled a cloud that was over twice her size.

"No way that's your first time," said Kirby.

"I agree! No way indeed! That went down pretty smoothly," she said, and began to peel off her dress.

"Oh," she said, stopping halfway and throwing a bashful look. "Silly old me. I forgot to ask. Would it be okay if I joined you?"

With her index finger resting at the tip of her lips, 'Bobette' eyed each of the men with a more suggestive look than the last, until they were all hers.

Five heads nodded in unison.

"Yeah-" "Sure-" "I don't see why not-"

With nothing on but a sports bra and a pair of boyshorts, Palutena took a dip in the water, and emanated the most delightful little moan.

Once underneath, with her eyes closed, she felt her health rejuvenate. She heard the sounds of her far-off Skyworld. Saw images of her Centurion Army facing off against the Underworld's minions. When she finally surfaced, it was to see Pit struggling with the bong. He kept on burning his thumb trying to light it.

"It's really not that tough," said Ike. "Hold it sideways, bro. The flame always wants to rise."

"Hey, I'm trying, okay?" Pit whined.

"Wow," Palutena said, lying with her back against the hot jets. "This feels fucking incredible. Who… who is that between my legs? Aaaaahhhh…"

This extremely hot display shut up the other guys. Olimar immediately dove underwater to see what exactly was happening to Palutena's pearly gates.

As it so happened, Game and Watch had transformed into an octopus and was wrapping his tentacles around Palutena's thighs, with three of them positioned between them. They had woven through her boyshorts, and one spread her lips while another massaged her clit. The slightly shorter tentacle that contained GW's actual penis was working on gently penetrating her; its long-dormant muscles throbbed as its thin tip navigated her insides.

"Oh! Oh, yes! That's so fuckin' good! I love that you can tickle and pickle me at the same time!"

Olimar resurfaced. "It's GW," he announced.

"Bet you fifty coins he's finished in two minutes," said Lucario.

"You're on," replied Olimar, putting on a stopwatch.

Popo toked up, Yoshi-ing the bowl.

"Lucky bastard," Ike mumbled, and wiped away a tear. "I'm so proud of him." _And to think, just a couple of hours ago he was suicidal._

The other guys kind of looked at one another in confusion and awkwardness.

"Um… should we… leave?" Lucario asked. "We can go, Lady P."

"No! Please don't go! I… I really like having you all watch me," she said, struggling for breath. "A lot."

Palutena looked over at Ike, who was perhaps the most bashful. "Y-y-you wanna be next, big boy?"

Ike was so flushed and bothered, he could hardly believe his ears. "M-m-me?"

"Sorry, that'll have to wait," a deep voice intoned. Meta-Knight flew in from above and lightly shook his head at the display. He held out a holographic clipboard. "Ike and Lucario, you guys are both being summoned to fight, ASAP."

And just like that, Ike's spirits sank like the Titanic.

"What the hell's the deal-io, batty? I thought this afternoon was gonna be Fox, Diddy Kong, DK, and Mega Man." Lucario psychically groaned over Palutena's moans, which were escalating in volume.

"Well, you see… Donkey Kong is catatonic again. He's doin' that staring at the sun thing, burning his retina out over and over. It don't make for good TV. Meanwhile, Diddy's an emotional wreck. So, yeah. If you guys could just come with me, that'd be greaaat."

"Aw, c'mon man," Ike protested, though he could barely be heard over Palutena's voice and GW's beeps and boops. "Just give us about half an hour. Loop some old fight. We'll make it up later."

"No can do, ol' sport. You know the rules. No reruns. And we can't have dead air out there. Not… even… for… a se—cond…"

But even Meta-Knight was rendered speechless by what was happening. G&amp;W's tentacles had completely engulfed its prey, and its penis-tentacle, now fully extended and throbbing in waves, began to full-on fuck Palutena in earnest. The Deep Impact of its thick girth could be seen from the outside of her stomach, and the fiery Armageddon in her eyes.

"YEAH! YEAH, GW! By the Old Gods and the New, you're a hell of a lay, you know that? Show me all you've got! Take me to the edge of meaning!"

"BEEP BEEP BEEP!"

Suddenly, the eight-legged fuck machine kicked into overdrive and began pumping her like a piston, prompting the Goddess to screech like a banshee.

"Light up my pussy! If you don't come inside me, I'll fucking destroy you!"

"RIIIIIIIIING!"

Then something went SPLOOOSH! – it was the kinda sound that lay perfectly in between a wet fart and a water main bursting. And Palutena had disappeared.

Ike tilted his head up. From the explosive force of GW's eruption, Palutena had been fired straight into the air like a bottle rocket.

"SEMEN FLOOD! Evacuate!" Olimar yelled.

All the other guys immediately vacated the hot springs as GW's white ink flooded the area.

"What'd I tell you? Two minutes."

Olimar held up his stopwatch. "Two minutes, fifty-two seconds."

"Okay, well, that's now, right? He came over a fifty-two seconds ago. Amirite?"

"Dude, not even close."

"You fuckin' jerk off! Pay up!"

Popo tripped Lucario, knocking him into the pool.

Still in an orgasmic daze, Palutena fumbled on her recovery, leaving her ill-equipped for landing. Her torn underwear left her naked for all the Smashgrounds to see.

"I got her!" Ike cried, running directly under Palutena's shadow.

But it was Kirby who got to her first – he'd leapt into the air and inhaled the Goddess, then dropped back down and let her off gently by the poolside.

Post-transformation, Kirby admired his new hairdo.

"Huh. I look like a _Chia Pet_."

Palutena frazzled the green mop-top. "Aww! That's just so adorable!" she cried, and then turned to Ike. "You ready?"

But Ike was still kind of in shock at what had just happened. "Milady… you almost…"

"Shhh." she said, backing him up against the towel shack and gently running her hands over his upper arms. "Just be good to me, Ikey-wikey."

The thought occurred to Meta-Knight to check the time, but it quickly vacated his mind at the sight of Palutena wrapping herself around Ike and biting his ears.


	7. Pale Traces

**Chapter Seven**

**Pale Traces**

The click-clacking of Zelda's boot heels on the marble floor only made Ness more nervous as the quartet made their way to a little-used wing of the gigantic castle grounds. Upon noticing the kid's hesitation, Zelda took his hand.

"No need to be afraid," Zelda said. "I can't promise you that I can cure your nightmares, Ness. But at the very least, there might be a chance that we can start to understand them."

Zelda creaked open the doors to the Meditation Hall, a private, rarely-used, soundproofed room.

Sitting cross-legged by the front, a teary-eyed Diddy Kong turned briefly to regard the newcomers. In a flash of recognition, Zelda peeked into the primate's head.

She sensed sadness, fear, and a longing for understanding. _That poor ape, _Zelda thought. _He's still torn up over Donkey Kong. And why wouldn't he be? The two were inseparable. Outside of battle, DK's practically a vegetable now._

"I'll handle this," Peach whispered, and walked up to the front.

But Diddy Kong was already preparing to leave. He put his cap back on and nodded to Peach on his way out.

"Sorry to disturb you, Diddy," Peach said, offering a handkerchief. "Please."

He held up a palm to politely refuse, cracked a smile, and left. Peach then turned to Zelda.

"Should we stay, or…?"

"If you can spare the time, wait outside and guard the door," Zelda said as she knelt down and placed her hands on Ness' temples. "I really don't want to be interrupted."

Peach and Sheik exited the stage.

Zelda checked the time on Ness' watch. 2:52 PM.

After a few deep breaths, Zelda closed her eyes and plunged in. The unfiltered stream of recollections was overwhelming. Sensation after sensation flooded her. Every time she tried to latch on to a specific memory, some dark power embedded deep within the boy's subconscious would sever her neural connection. Finally, she was able to grab a hold of a particular scene and fight the dark power. This felt like a key moment in Ness' cache – upon closer inspection, the boy himself seemed to be guarding it, forcing himself to remember what the dark powers so wanted him to forget.

"No, no, please!" Ness cried, struggling against his restraints.

Some heavy device flopped about on his head, and zapped him if he moved too much. A blinding light was shining into Ness' eyes, making it difficult to get a handle on the surroundings.

The room was dark. A laboratory? Tesla coils abounded in the corners, lightning bolts zipping between them. A loud boom echoed from the outside. _A thunderstorm?_

A dark, bespectacled figure loomed over Ness, a massive helmet on his head and a syringe in hand. "Y'know, this would be a lot easier if you just took it like a man. Believe you me, this ain't my idea of a vacation, neither."

"Why are you doing this? You've betrayed us! You'll be causing everyone s-s-so much pain!"

"Honestly, I'd love to explain it to you, laddie. I really would. But I've been debugging this puppy all night, it's total chaos out there, we're obviously short on time, and my flight to the Sunshine Islands leaves in… two hours. That doesn't leave us much time. Just know this. You're doing good work, Ness. Important work. You're protecting the sanctity of the realm," the mysterious figure said, injecting some cold, stinging, silvery liquid directly into Ness' brain.

"AAAAAUUUGGHHHH!"

The figure tapped him on the shoulder. "Look lively, kiddo. The bosses are watching."

With that, he strode away, into the darkness.

Zelda tried to pinpoint where the 'bosses' would be watching from, but it wasn't easy with near-zero visibility. Perhaps they weren't even physically present.

"Heave! Aaaaaand… now!"

The booming shook the tower's very foundations. A chandelier fell from hundreds of feet up and exploded on the floor not too far from Ness.

Now, the origin of what sounded like thunderbolts became much clearer. It was a battering ram, trying to break down the castle wall.

"We won't let you get away with this! Release him, right this instant!"

"Lucas!" Ness cried out, though his voice came out parched as a Dry Bones' skull. "It's a trap! Get out of here!"

Just then, the air before Ness became slightly distorted. An individual wearing some kind of invisibility cloak grabbed the boy's neck and squeezed tight.

"You'll keep quiet if you know what's best for you," the voice said. It was garbled, and therefore unidentifiable.

"T-t-traitor…" he managed once the phantom had let go.

Another ram almost tore the far wall down. A clot of dust falling warped in the phantom's wake, showing that he was setting a trap above the wall.

The mysterious mad scientist's phone rang. He promptly jumped to answer it. "Hey, boss. Yessir. Them Pikachus are giving it all they've got. Just awaiting your orders. On the count of three? Right on. All right, sonny boy! You ready for this? One…"

"Think about what you're doing, Gadd!" Ness cried.

"Two…"

"We could _all_ be free of this!"

"Three!"

Ness' body spasmed and shook in total agony as tens of thousands of volts of electricity went coursing through him. The electricity acted as a catalyst for the fluid injected into Ness' brain, turning him into a bloodthirsty killing machine.

The child's voice was now that of a demonic beast. "Feed me!"

"Yes! Yes!" Gadd yelled giddily. "Punish the infidels! They know too much!"

Much to her horror, Zelda felt Ness' consciousness expand beyond his physical body; the feeling was incredible, as if he had become a superbeing.

And then, she was everyone at once. Just outside the wall, she was Lucas. Mario. Donkey Kong. Olimar… even herself, and Link…

Ness' consciousness had become a marionette puppeteer that took control of literally everyone, and then some. The forty-odd people fell to their knees, clutching their ears to block out some godawful sound. Like a discordant screech, its frequency caused their bodies to convulse violently.

As if that wasn't bad enough, from a balcony high above, a levitating sorcerer fired barrages of lightning spears at the combatants.

Wario, Bowser, Nana, Popo, and what looked like a cartoon version of Link stood awkwardly upright, as puppets on a string, and leapt to their deaths. With what little Zelda could sense of their mental states, they were fighting the impulses as best they could, but Ness' influence was too strong.

Mario, Donkey Kong, Samus, and Link alone stood against the noise. While Pit spun his bow into the Angel Ring move, nimbly deflecting the lightning spears, the others grabbed the giant battering ram and flung it one final time against the castle walls.

The stones crumbled, crushing Yoshi and Olimar. Mario leapt over their bodies and dodged several falling Thwomps, followed by his three allies.

As they entered, the cloaked phantom ambushed them with unseen attacks. One by one, the struggling combatants were beaten down to the floor.

At a certain point, Gadd put on a pair of heavy earmuffs and hit a button on his handheld device, a cross between a tablet and a gamepad.

Ness suddenly erupted into an insane bout of screeching, which became unbearable to the heroes. They each fell, one by one.

To peek inside anyone else's heads for insight proved impossible for Zelda. She was already tapping into one person's mind, and to enter another's from Ness' already-strained consciousness, the author realized, would be some_ Inception_-level shit.

Now that all his targets were eliminated, E. Gadd's contraption wound down. The machine emitted a low hum as its operations slowed. _The boy's near passing out,_ Zelda realized. _I've gotta get a grip on my surroundings before I get sent back._

Slowing her perception, Zelda briefly spotted among the passed-out or dead inhabitants other Smashers she must have forgotten about.

T'was a shame the battle had ended so prematurely at the gates. All had fallen a mere two hundred meters from their target, just outside this dark castle floating high up above… where? There were star clusters, but no clouds, and the whole structure appeared to be rotating. Were they in space? If so, Earth should be just around the corner. There was no time to tell.

Someone approached from the distance, behind the pack… observing the whole scene. Who was it?

The figure approached, but Ness' memory self soon lost consciousness, and the dark castle faded away.

Finally, Zelda opened her eyes. Her hands were shaking, her heart was near bursting from excitement, and her eyes were filled with tears.

Strangely safe thanks to Zelda's absorbing most of the mental shock and shielding him, Ness ran over to catch her from falling flat on her face.

"Zelda! Can you breathe?"

"I… I just need a second." She glanced at the clock again. 2:54 PM.

_I experienced all that… in two minutes…_

Ness held her close. "Peach! Sheik!"

The two guards burst in to help their friend.

"What happened?" Sheik asked.

"I… I don't know," Ness said, worriedly. "We were lost in a memory. My memory."

"Only, it was kinda blurry. Not many details," Zelda mumbled, drawing a rectangle with her fingers to illustrate a television.

_We're being watched, guys. We can't share this type of knowledge so freely; not right now, at any rate._

The princess pulled out her royal comb and hairspray; Peach jumped in and helped fix her friend's hair up. Apparently, it actually helped to stimulate her thought process.

"You helped me put together the bigger picture. That can't have been easy, or fun," said Ness. "I really can't thank you enough."

"Thank me when this is over," Zelda sighed. "Ness, you're a great guy and everything, which is why I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think we can trust you."

Ness' expression turned to one of grave disappointment, and then absolute fear; he bit his lip to keep from losing it and held himself together, trying to catch the eyes of his captors, one by one. "What do you intend to do to me?"

"Ness…" Peach said, kneeling down to hold his hands. "We won't hurt you. Right, Zelly?"

Zelda nodded. "There's a lot we need to learn to figure this out. For the time being, you'll be living under our close observation. I'll explain on the way."

At the idea of a change of scenery, Peach perked up. "Where are we going?"

Zelda searched her subconscious. _Could any of my friends here be the traitor? Doubtful. Peach and Sheik I would trust with my life. But the cameras are always watching. If the Ominous Voice (or Voices, now that I know there's more than one) can control Ness… and there's a traitor among us who might be able to activate his power… I'll play my cards as close to my chest as possible for now._

"The library. I need to see the Walking Encyclopedia. There's stuff we have to know ASAP, and Bowser's our big ticket."

* * *

Thanks once more for reading this unusually-paced and written fic! Hope you enjoyed it and feel free to leave constructive feedback as well!


	8. Breakin' the Law

**A/N:** So I'm in the middle of battling a nasty summer fever and am pretty useless at work. Hopefully these next two chapters turned out OK though!

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

**Breakin' the Law**

* * *

After entering the enclosed wine cellar, Samus raised an eyebrow at Fox, who was juggling Mega Man all over the small, concrete space by kicking and bouncing him off the walls repeatedly. The bounty hunter put up her Scan Visor to see that Mega Man was at 999% damage.

"How do ya like them apples?" Fox snickered.

"Hey. Isn't that enough?"

The mercenary spun around and regarded his girlfriend. "You're not worried about this fool, are you? This is nothin', babe. We're just having fun."

"Uncle…" Mega Man struggled to say. "Please… I'll suck yer furry cock if ya want. Just lemme go…"

Samus looked at him with pity. "Knock him past the boundaries of the castle grounds. It'll be considered a KO."

"Awww, c'mon babe, let me have my fun."

"You two lovebirds will have plenty of time to fight in the afternoon session. You're on shift with Diddy and DK in about twenty minutes."

At this, Fox stopped juggling Mega Man, letting the poor robot slam unchecked into the floor.

"Damn, son. Did you hear that? You and I are gonna be playing together _all afternoon._"

"That's nice…" Mega Man moaned, and then tried to stand up. "I'll… get a chance to redeem myself against yer dirty tactics. Honestly, ya fight like a Mexican jumping bean with a fire poker up your ass."

Fox kicked Mega Man into the air, sending him on a rebounding spree. "Still talking back, eh?"

"Honey, stop," said Samus. "Let's get a cup of coffee before your match."

"Why?"

"Would you believe me if I told you I just wanted to talk?"

"Bah, fine," said Fox, and used his Reflector to send Mega Man flying again, this time into a wine casket. He landed and smashed head-first into a wall. Fox walked out of there, laughing.

"Come see me when you've gotten used to the physics around here," Fox quipped.

"Fuckin' physics…" Mega Man said.

"I'm sorry about him," Samus said quietly. "By the way, you can bounce more softly off those walls when you get hit by pushing against them at the right moment. It just takes a little practice."

Mega Man just nodded, his spirit having been broken. As Samus turned around, he caught his eyes drawn to that perfectly shaped ass of hers, and a little ditty started goin' through his head.

_I reflect on my erection, and I ask myself the question: can I win her affection? _

_And if I do, should I use protection? _

_Oh, no. I just don't know…_

_Am I a man? Or am I a moron?  
(Am I a moron?)_

'_Coz if I'm a moron, then I'm a very manly moron  
(Very manly moron)_

_Am I a moron… or am I a man?  
(Am I a man?)_

_If I'm a man, then I'm a moron of a man  
(Moron of a man)_

_When I look into those eyes  
I just want her to recognize  
That together we should realize  
My bad self deep inside… of her…  
_

(the original song, "Man or Muppet" was written by Bret McKenzie)

* * *

The Female Villager was wandering around just beyond the castle grounds, nearing the perimeter of the islands without a care when she stumbled upon several large column-shaped buildings laid out in the shape of a hexagon. Within each column was a warp pipe that led up to an elevated, open-air outdoor arena.

_Might as well see what's up there!_

She traveled through the pipe and appeared on the stands watching an epic showdown between Link and Marth. It appeared that she was the only audience member.

Link's boomerang had missed, and Marth quickly ran in for a forward slash. The Hylian rolled, only to absorb a low strike. Marth followed up with a flurry of combination hits, dancing as he sliced away at his opponent.

"Omigod so hot." Watching the lithe young swordsmen thrust, parry, slice, counter-attack, kick, throw items at and generally touch one another aggressively, the Female Villager started to sweat all over. Hidden in the stands, she began to gently rub herself.

Link was sent flying off the stage, only to return mere moments later.

"You're a nimble one, Marth," he said, swiping a stray bang from before his eyes. "But this isn't even my final form."

Marth dodged Link's incoming bombs, boomerang, and arrows in quick succession, and had a tough time moving in to strike. Finally, Link had a chance to sneak in and perform a forward slash to get Marth off his feet.

Link chased the swordsman as he bounced off the ground, and then followed up with a jumping kick and a thrown bomb once Marth was launched into the air. The Hylian then slashed upwards three times in quick succession to knock his opponent higher still, but Marth countered, sending Link off his feet.

Just then, the prince gave chase and initiated the beginnings of an aerial mix-up, but the Hylian was too quick. He predicted the attack, stunned with an arrow, and then shot forth his hookshot to reel Marth in for a throw.

"You're fighting well today," Marth told Link in Japanese.

"I know," replied Link with a knowing smirk, and held the expression perhaps an instant too long.

Marth broke free. Link caught him again, and didn't falter in punishing him this time. The young prince was sent flying, and Link's charging aerial game finished him off with seconds to spare on the clock.

The final score? Two stock down on either side, and both at less than 10%. A perfect tie.

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?" Link asked Marth.

"Yeah, it was a lot of fun," Marth replied in between heavy breaths.

The two hugged briefly and shook hands. The Female Villager had been rubbing herself vigorously. She pictured the scene as the two went to the shower together – each checking out the other's shapely bodies through the steam, their pecs finely chiseled in as if by a Renaissance artist and his young page.

She imagined seventeen-year-old Link draping his arm around sixteen-year-old Marth and carefully soaping him in all the right places.

_Link would start between the shoulders and make his way slowly up to the neck, then tease him by rubbing their cheeks together._

_Marth would be a tad shy and try to resist, but this would have been kind of a regular thing between them. _

_Though, who would be on top? They are kind of both tops._

_Anyway, Link would take the initiative because he is slightly older and hornier. He'd be stroking Marth, pressing his warm body up against Marth's… and then his left hand's index and middle fingers, lubricated in octorok oil, would find their way up against Marth's butthole._

"_Itai! Itai!" Marth would say as Link gently wiggles his index finger up into his poop chute._

"_Shhh. Don't worry. I'm almost there."_

_As Link wiggles his finger against Marth's prostate again and again, the prince would be unable to resist. He'd be hard as a rock, ready for anything, especially Link's reach-around. The Hylian would stroke his love-muffin until he'd grow weak at the knees._

"_Sempai… ahhhh…" the prince would cry out. "It feels too good… slower…"_

"_You're not ready yet?"_

_Marth shook his head._

"_You don't like it when I have the upper hand on you. I've got the range advantage."_

"_O-only from a distance. My Legendary Falchion…"_

"_Is no match for my Master Sword."_

_At this, Link would ease the tip of his penis against Marth's buttocks…_

So lost was the Female Villager in her reverie that she failed to notice the Camera Lakitu floating by, capturing her every movement.

"Eeek!" she cried as she opened her eyes and stopped touching herself. "What the _fuck_? Don't you guys know the first thing about respecting our privacy?"

The Camera Lakitu smiled and kept its distance. "Sorry, ma'am. But there's no such thing as privacy anymore. No one around here owns the airspace, per se. We're living under Total Anarchy rules."

"What in the world does that mean?"

"Look it up, Missy. Anarchy means "a system of government without rulers." So as long as we aren't hurting or stealing from anyone, we can do pretty much anything we want here."

"Y-you're stealing from me! You stole my innocence!"

"You're welcome to take it to a people's or arbitration court if you like, ma'am. I'm just doing my job. Don't worry, this probably won't be broadcast. It's too pornographic for regular programming and, no offense, not hot enough for Pay-Per-View."

"Probably? What the hell! Who do I talk to about this?! Delete that shit now!"

With that, the Lakitu took off, leaving the Female Villager in a rather rotten mood. She descended the pillar a little dazed and took to wandering inside the castle grounds.

Finally, she found a little nook to sit around in, nestled between two trees and seated on some mulch, made a sad post to tumblr from her phone, and began sobbing.

_He saw me… with his camera… I feel so… so violated… but I can't talk to anyone about it._

She heard voices approaching, and listened closely.

"Can't believe I won three hundred coins accurately predicting the moment that Mega Man guy got his spirit broken," said Kirby to Greninja, who just kind of laughed. "You could see it in his eyes. It was undeniable. One moment, he was gung-ho, ready to kill. The next, zip. I saw Fox land _the most_ insane combos, dude. The cherry on top's when he dropped trou and marked his territory. Poor blue feller. Went from pissed-off to pissed-on in half a second, flat. That was a hell of a sight, I tell ya. Maybe I oughta take buy him a drink or two tonight. You wanna join us?"

"Wark, wark, wark."

"That's true. He might start thinking I want to be his friend or something. I dunno. I wouldn't exactly say that I hate him or nothin', he isn't a bad guy. Just needs to get used to how things work 'round here. But think about it, aight?"

The Female Villager burst from her hiding spot, startling the two approaching guys.

"Ah! Excuse me, did you just say you were gambling? Isn't that, like, illegal?"

"Legal? What the hell does that mean?" Kirby asked.

"It… means it's not allowed."

"Not allowed by whom?"

"Um, by… by the people!"

"You mean, like, us? A collective?"

"Yeah! Don't you have a Mayor?"

"The fuck's a Mayor?"

"He's someone who… like… lays out all the rules? And… and he has guys to enforce them, too?"

"Again, not sure what you mean by these 'rules'."

"Y'know! They dictate accepted behaviors!"

"Sure, there's certain conditions we need to meet in order to win, like, a versus match, but nothing that carries on outside of battle. It's a total and complete anarchy here."

"Oh…" the Female Villager said, with a moment of shocking realization. "So… what if someone does something… bad to someone else?"

"Like a fight or disagreement? Well, the fight will be made public, and others will pick sides or watch, and shit will be decided either on or off the battlefield. Mostly on it."

"No, no. Not like a fight…"

"Um… not sure what you're talking about. Do you mean, like, theft? 'Coz thieves are subjected to a grueling training regimen."

"It's, like… you know… Do I need to spell it out for you? When a woman doesn't want something to happen to her, and… and something happens to her…"

"Something like what?"

"I don't know! She gets touched by some guy or something."

"Well, she can just tell him, 'no,'" said Kirby. "Or she can tell another guy and he'll beat the shit out of that first guy."

"But what if the guy doesn't stop? What if he, you know… takes advantage of her? I'm talking about rape here!"

"Rape?" Kirby asked. Greninja seemed just as surprised at the word. "Never even heard of that."

"I… is that so?" the Female Villager replied, knees shaking. "M-m-maybe it's underreported. Must be that the women here either don't know what it is, or aren't aware of how damaging it is to them."

"I'm… really not sure that's even a thing over here," said Kirby, scratching his head. "Maybe it is in… other places?"

"This is a crime against humanity!" the Female Villager cried. "Don't you understand, without any form of government to protect us, we can be raped at any second? Our every orifices can be taken advantage of! Our bodies made out to be objects of pleasure for any willing male?"

"Um…" Greninja started, and then leapt off the scene.

"Wait!" Kirby cried, floating on after him. But the Female Villager caught him in her net.

"You're right, Kirby! We need to spread the word! Educate the unenlightened! But first, we gotta have a plan! What are you doing just standing around like a limp puffer fish? This is, like, a national emergency!"

"Help! I'm being oppressed!" screamed Kirby as the Female Villager quickly shoved him into a cage with a phone book, a rotary phone, and a large stack of paperwork.

"We need to fill out all these petition forms!" cried the Villager. "We need people to agree that an official armed government needs to be set up! Get me thirty thousand signatures, names, and addresses. Stat!"

"I- I'm sorry, Female Villager. I see you feel very strongly about this, but I just don't have the time-"

"Then you support murder and child rape? Are you a Flat-Earther, too? God, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I… I don't support those things," Kirby said sadly. "Not at all! I mean, that shit is probably really bad. But it just doesn't happen-"

"It does! I know it does!" she fumed. "Get on making those calls if you want some dinner!"

Tears welling up in his eyes, Kirby's stubby hands shook as he reached for the rotary phone.

* * *

The next chapter is coming soon! And it will be a little shorter than this one. :) Thank you for reading!


	9. Limelight

**Chapter Nine**

**Limelight**

* * *

"What's that you've got there?" Ganondorf grinned, looming over Yoshi, who was masturbating in the bushes over his live hidden cam footage. "Looks like some Original Content!"

Shocked, the dinosaur grabbed his RC car and controller and made a run for it. Ganon dashed across the way to catch him but missed completely.

Thankfully, Little Mac ambushed the dinosaur and caught him into a combo with Ganon, who began to pummel the guy senseless.

"Trollface McGee! You thought you could get away with being an independent upskirt artist on my island and keep it a secret?"

"Yoshi! Yoshi!" (I was gonna give you a cut! I just wanted to enjoy it first! Honest.) The dino pleaded, deep bruises welling up on his face.

"You yield? Three percent on sales. It's actually pretty generous once you think about it."

"Yoshi…" (I never heard such a raw deal in my life.)

"Good. 'Coz now you're working for me, Yoshimitsu McYoshi." Ganon slapped Yoshi playfully. "I'll give you 100 coins down and a pair of Nana's panties for exclusive rights to the files."

He shook his head.

"Zelda's panties?"

_Hmmm. According to my intel, those are like, months old_, Yoshi thought._ Probably crusty as hell. Not gonna get out of this easily, though. Ganon isn't the type to strike hard bargains with._

"Yoshi!" (Agreed!)

Ganon took the data files and handed Yoshi a blank one. "Keep the camera, kid. I've got my own equipment. You wouldn't happen to have made a copy of this, would you?"

Yoshi shook his head rather aggressively.

"'Coz if ya did… and you don't tell me about it, it won't be pretty. Now get to work. As for your next assignment… I'm in need of some new Princess Peach material."

* * *

The Male Villager wandered into the vast, vast library, which much resembled the one in the Disney film _Beauty and the Beast_, a factoid he would never personally come to know.

There was one who did know it, however, and he was sitting, one massive yellow leg crossed around the other, smoking a hookah and reading Haruki Murakami's "Hard-boiled Wonderland at the End of the World." This old-timer looked up from his book, adjusted his glasses, and took in the Newcomer's presence.

"Welcome to the Smashgrounds, young fellow."

The Villager's eyes widened with immediate wonder. Here he was, the one and only…

"K-King Bowser! It's such an honor. I didn't get a chance to speak to you at lunch."

The Koopa King smiled wryly. "It's an honor to be recognized, Male Villager."

"Yeah, man! I had no idea you actually existed. See, my neighbor has a statue of you. And pardon me, but you don't seem-"

"Much as you might have expected? I understand. And I'll take that as a compliment, as it is my personal belief that we are all but thespians, playing a role on the stage."

"I feel like I've heard that before. Some guy named Shakesman?"

"No idea. But it's just one of my outlandish theories. I'd elaborate, but we're not alone here."

The Villager looked around. In the corner, Rosalina was sitting on a beanbag, reading 'Life of Pi' to a large congregation of Lumas. It was altogether a familiar sequence.

"I don't get it," the Villager said. "You can't talk with them around?"

"It isn't Madam Rosalina I'm worried about," replied Bowser, with his claw pointed towards the television in the corner.

On the telly, Fox was beating up Mega Man. It was really a rather one-sided fight.

"I'm sure Luigi informed you, but perhaps the full truth hasn't become clear yet. You know how our very existences are being filmed and broadcast to Smash City at all times outside of our private quarters?"

"Yes?"

"Well, that isn't just for the masses' entertainment. There's a far more sinister reason those Ominous Voice fellows have got this place under constant surveillance. It's to keep us all in line."

The Villager scratched his head. "I still don't understand. What is it they're afraid of?"

"Haha! Who knows, my boy? Us, perhaps. Perhaps they fear that once we discover the truth, we'll be out of here, or lose the will to continue fighting."

"Ah, I see. It must be quite a shocking truth, then."

"You ask good questions, young one. Perhaps you'd be interested in some history?"

Bowser gestured towards a photo album sitting on the table before them.

The Villager thumbed through it. Photographs. Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Toad, Yoshi, Wario, Waluigi, and even Bowser himself. All stood posing on a tennis court. He flipped the page to see a plethora of highlights from exhibition matches. On the next page, they were posing on a golf course, followed by a smattering of shots from the green. Next, they were playing football (soccer). There was a selection of pics and stats from their three-on-three basketball stint. And finally, a bunch of summer and winter Olympic events with a group of foreigners from another land, including a blue hedgehog.

"Wow, you guys play a lot of sports."

"Interesting, right? Imagine the kind of training and fitness programs we've had to endure. I must say, that Mario fellow is rather nimble. Still, the whole endeavor seems rather silly to me. And then there's the matter of my so-called children."

Mopingly, Bowser flipped onto a page with the Koopalings, each one dorkier-looking than the last. "Please tell me those aren't my real kids."

"Um. I don't exactly see the resemblance. I mean, the spiky shells, sure, but they could be from anyone."

"Maybe they won a casting call or something, right?"

"Could be. Could also be their mom was a real dweeb. No offense."

At this, the King laughed up a storm. "I like you, Male Villager. Do you have a nickname, by the way? It really just doesn't roll off the tongue."

"Male Villager… Malevi… Malvill… Mel… Melville?"

"Melville it is."

"All this talk of your family begs the question, King Bowser. With such a rich history, how is it that none of you remember any of this?"

He chuckled, and motioned for the kid to read on. "Oh, there are a few things I remember. But we can save those for another time. It seems we have some guests."

The doors opened to Princesses Peach and Zelda, with Sheik and Ness following behind them.

"Good afternoon, Rosalina and the Lumas," Peach said with a slight curtsy. "As for King Koopa, you probably were expecting me to come alone, but these are exceptional circumstances."

"Indeed!" Bowser replied excitedly. There was no doubt; all these women gathered together at once must have meant that there was some serious information afoot. "Let's hear it!"

* * *

Pac-Man snorted a line of cocaine off of Nana's belly, prompting the very intoxicated female ice climber to giggle in ecstasy. He rubbed his face all over her, and then began to nibble at her stomach.

"Nom nom nom, my, you're a tasty one."

The yellow fellow began to coat his dick with lube, and did the same to Nana's behind. She cringed and squirmed when he proceeded to slowly penetrate her anus.

"So… pain…"

"Shhh… shh… that a girl. Let daddy fill you up."

He placed a finger in Nana's mouth, and gently moved it in and out, savoring the wetness as he continued to pound her ass.

"You're mine, girl. All mine… Can't get me enough of that sweet, old-school piece of ass. When I… uh… first saw you… mmmmnnn… I never knew… how hot you'd be… the Missus can watch all she likes, but she'll never have this sexy beast. Never again."

Suddenly, the phone started to ring. He put on his Bluetooth earpiece.

"Puck here. Uh. Yeah. The library? Who is it? Damn. All right, I'll be there in a jiffy."

_Oh, shit. She might have heard something._

He held a chloroform towel over Nana's face, knocking her out before he left the room.

* * *

"Stretch your right leg. Good."

Mario's tongue nearly gagged him. The Wii Fit Trainer's ridiculous stretching exercises had been grating on him for the past couple of hours. He really wasn't sure how much more he could take.

"Mamma mia! My body was not a-meant to take-a this kind of torture!"

"And… hold…"

"AUUGHH! YOU FUCKING BITCH! MAKE IT END!"

"Good."

Mario fell onto the floor, and held himself in place. His double vision was really fucking with his senses.

"Can I have just one… just one swig?"

"Would you like to start again?"

"No. I just want-a my Peachykins back."

"Good. Now, change legs."

The plumber groaned as he shifted his position. There was a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the first aid kit, which had to be located somewhere. He mentally pictured every possible location, and found that the act of indulging his imagination calmed his nerves.

* * *

"Pikachu…" the yellow demon said, face-down on the massage table as Machamp gave Pikachu the pint-sized version of his famous Rock Smash massage.

"What'd he say, sugar?" A sixteen-year-old blonde groupie asked Meowth, who was getting his tummy rubbed in all the right ways.

"Ah… he says… he says someone get him his cell phone and put it on speaker. He's gotta make a call."

The redhead reached over for the Pokemon superstar's phone. She took a quick glance at two-hundred and seventy-four unread messages and a hundred and three voicemails.

"Chuu. Pikapi. Chuu chuu Kachu!"

"Says, 'there should be a contact named 'Bitchface Life-Ruining Whiny Limpdick'. He says, call that punk-ass motherfucker and give Meowth the phone... sir… are ya sure about this?" Meowth asked, worriedly.

"Kachu."

The phone began to ring.

It rang again.

And a third time.

"H-hello? Pikachu?"

"Pika." / "Yeah, it's me."

The voice, tired and raspy, turned as chipper as it could. "Ah! You're with Meowth! I'm so glad you finally returned my calls! I was starting to think you weren't…"

"Kaaaaaaaa. Pika pika pikachuuuuu! Chu chuu pika." / "Well, ya thought wrong. The hell you keep bugging me for? You serious about wanting to do another show?"

"Yes! Yes, more than anything! It would mean the world to me!"

"Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." / "I see."

"Would you ever really consider it?"

"Pika pika piii." / "You'll find out tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Piiiikachu! Kachu! Chu Chu!" / "It's the Monita Show. She'll be doing a reunion special for you and I! It'll be a new start, partner!"

"R-r-really?"

"Pika pi. Pikachu. Ka pika pichu piiiika pika pi." / "Sure. I wasn't gonna tell ya, since it's supposed to be a surprise and all, but I wanted to make sure you were on the level. All you've gotta do is show up in your classic getup, cry during the sad parts o' your story, laugh at the funny ones, and just put on a good, tearjerking show tomorrow. We'll have the audience in our pockets. The exposure alone is priceless. We'll discuss the reunion show then. I get to write all our scripts, and all anxillary rights. You dig?"

"I understand. T-thank you so much for this opport-"

Pikachu clicked his headset off and burst out in maniacal laughter. Even Meowth, who was laughing a while at first just to be polite, admittedly grew a little scared when Pikachu continued laughing deep into the afternoon.

* * *

Whew! Sorry not much has happened in these updates. Shit's about to get real pretty soon, I assure y'all! Thanks again for reading and have a great day!


	10. The Longest Day

**sippurp123: **That Female Villager sure has an overactive imagination! I apologize in advance for the POSSIBILITY of more Link x Marth fantasies. I imagine a recurring thread going on...

**Anyone** and **Guest**: Thank you for your comments and support! It really helps to hear that I'm not the only one who enjoys my sense of humor! XD The next few chapters will be a bit more serious in nature, however.

**A/N: **Soooo... I'm posting this from the pre-registration line at Anime Expo, and let me tell you, there's an imbalance in the Force this year. To paraphrase Flight of the Conchords, there's too many dicks on the LACC floor. If you just so happen to be at the con and want to hang out, drop me a line!

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

**The Longest Day**

"I'm monkey food if I don't leave!" the annoying Frog conducting the train cried. The video feed of its unlovable face soon disappeared, leaving a scrambled mess of static in its wake. After the signal finally cut out, the magnetic train slowed to a grinding halt on the tracks.

"This is WAY PAST ridiculous," said Sonic the Hedgehog, finally standing from his seat and grabbing his luggage. He looked once more over the itinerary map. There were no landmarks; all that was there was a list of stops.

Sonic pulled open the car door and looked up and down the rails as far as his giant egg-white single eye blob thing could see.

"Putting the fastest thing alive on a lame-o train like this was an insult to begin with."

He charged up his spin dash and boosted far away on the rail tracks.

* * *

The owner of the Ominous Voice reclined on his desk throne, rotating a touch-sensitive sphere in each hand. He was actively switching between several dozen of the one hundred and twenty-eight Smash City channels at once, and the Smashgrounds' live feeds, adjusting the relative sizes of each screen and the primary sound outputs on the 120' x 120' Jumbotron before him.

He could see that in Smash City, Mewtwo was ice-skating with the Gardevoir he'd met the week prior.

In the same mall, Lyn and Saki walked by rather stunned at a crowd of excited cosplayers who wanted them to join their group photo.

On the other end of town, underneath a small rain cloud, Wario was mumbling about his debts, gambling and otherwise. He was uttering some hurtful, self-aggrandizing, borderline suicidal thoughts.

Doing battle on the Battlefield Platform were Fox, Mega Man, Olimar, and Marth, the last two having been summoned as last-minute replacements. None of them were on their A-game, but it was an interesting match. Mega Man was improving by the second, and had become quite proficient at directional influence.

While the Female Villager began to pen the first of many one-shot Link x Marth lemons, Kirby was desperately trying to explain to confused people on the phone just why they needed a central government, and found himself at a loss as to describing what "rape" and "male privilege" were.

Waiting on a bench by the Warp Pipes up to the Smashgrounds and doing a few chin-ups to pass the time, the Male Wii Fit Trainer forgot that the Female Wii Fit Trainer was on the main island, helping Mario to sweat all the excess alcohol from his system, and would not be going shopping with him.

King Dedede was alone in the gaming rec room, playing Skyrim on one of the gaming PCs while hitting a blunt.

And up in the Smashgrounds, Link was sleeping in his quarters.

In the courtyard, Ike, Lucario, Game and Watch, Palutena and Popo were involved in more trouble than they'd asked for. Having heard Palutena's screaming, the rapidly hardening Captain Falcon, covered in Sex Panther cologne, had leapt into the hot springs area and slyly slipped Popo out from underneath the Goddess after he came for the third time. He was now balls-deep inside of her and loving every moment of it.

And lastly, in the library, Bowser and Zelda were on the verge of another monumental discovery. There was no doubt: they'd be coming up to meet their makers once again.

_So here we are, on the precipice of our fateful meeting. Will this be another case of lather, rinse and repeat? How many times have we gone through this scenario, guys?_

The Ominous Voice flexed its muscles and channeled a massive amount of energy from the Ether into preparing its body for the upcoming battle.

"This is not a drill," the Voice broadcast telepathically throughout the whole complex. "All personnel, prepare the base for an all-out strike. I repeat, prepare all defenses. Looking like scenario 'Crystal', but that's subject to change. Section Managers, see me personally."

_It's going to be another one of those long-ass nights._

* * *

Ike was long-spent on the floor when he awoke to see Palutena triple-teaming Lucario (who was humping her mouth), Meta-Knight (who'd latched onto her behind), and Captain Falcon (who was balls-deep into her glory hole, penetrating her slowly and tightly).

In part because the scene was immensely hot and in part because he needed to quell his nervous energy, Pit was jerking off by the poolside.

"Beep!" Mr. Game and Watch enunciated, handing Ike a refreshing cup of iced tea.

"Hey, thanks, man!"

"Ring! Ring!" he blurted out, a little more terrified, holding up an Etch-A-Sketch. It was a picture that simply read, 'Look up!'

Ike looked up. And he did not like what he saw. Both Master and Crazy Hand were hovering above the proceedings.

"What's going on?" Ike asked rather loudly, still a little dazed. It was difficult to be heard over Palutena's screaming.

GW quickly scribbled on the device: 'You're about to get fucked! I think the TV ratings are so good that they're waiting for her to quit fucking.'

"And you think that'll be… soon?"

'It's been five hours. Not even Aphrodite can last forever. You and Lucario need to get the hell out of here before those Hands lobotomize you!'

"Good call."

Ike analyzed the situation. _The sun's setting. Fox left the wine cellar door open. Lucario's about sixty feet away, and it takes me two and a half seconds to get to top sprinting speed. Taking into account my dodging the whiplash from Lucario's dong smacking against his thigh after I yank him from Palutena's mouth, that gives me just enough time to make it across the hundred-foot courtyard before Crazy Hand's missiles stun me into Master Hand's grab attack._

"Here goes nothing!"

Ike bravely dashed forward, yanked Lucario from Palutena's mouth, whipped him around so that his dong hit his thigh and not Ike's face, and short-hopped over a barrage of magic missiles. Lucario, confused and writhing in pain from having his balls smacked at top speed, reflexively Aura-kicked against Ike by accident, sending them both slightly off-course, but enough to land them just short of their target.

"Goddamn it!" Ike cried as Master Hand's grab attack enclosed him. He slashed against the Hand, but it would not let go. He felt his very bones crushing from the impact, one by one, but was unable to bleed out or die. He could only scream against the agonizing pain as his organs, muscles, and bones all repaired themselves again, just to be broken in different places, snapping and reforming all sorts of nerve endings within milliseconds.

"No! Fuck! Make it stop!"

Ike's brain functions were unable to bear the rapid influx of pain, and his central nervous system shut down entirely. He had become catatonic. Only a strong electrical shock shook him back to his senses. Master Hand tossed him hard against the wall. Having whiplashed, Ike's head took on a great deal of damage, and his neck broke, only to snap back and repair itself again; this affront to his spinal cord was the last straw, and the mercenary rolled onto his back and bit his lip to bear the infernal pain. Desperately in need of regeneration, he was temporarily paralyzed.

"Ike… you have disobeyed a direct order to battle. Luckily, this was your first time. Know that what you have experienced is but a taste of the punishment you shall receive if you ever do it again," the Ominous Voice said.

Meanwhile, Crazy Hand was doing the same thing to Lucario, only with more intensity.

"Gwahahaha!" The Ominous Voice boomed from seemingly every surface. "Forgive me, Lucario, but this is your third strike. You've lost the right to your soul."

"No! Please!" the Pokemon cried. "I never meant for this! I'll change! I promise! I'll never miss another fight!"

But as the Voice belted out in maniacal cackling once more, the Crazy Hand slammed itself – with Lucario within its grasp – against the towel shed, repeatedly, until the building had crumbled to dust. It then smashed Lucario himself flat onto the floor, where both hands proceeded to beat him to a tender pulp.

Just then, a beam of light shot forth and stunned both Hands.

"Stop! In the name of love!" Palutena cried out from behind a tall pair of shoulders.

Ike couldn't believe what he was seeing. The Goddess had her legs wrapped around Captain Falcon's back, and was bouncing up and down on his thick cock as he waddled to and fro, knees bent.

"Ahhh!" she screamed, and spun around.

Falcon barely dodged a deadly poking combo. Palutena channeled another large beam of light.

"Leave my boytoys alone!"

But her attack missed, and Captain Falcon had to dodge a flying fist and an attempted deadly clap.

"Ha!" the Ominous Voice jeered. "You are a Goddess only when we intend you to be, Palutena. Here, you're on the same playing field as anyone else."

Captain Falcon, for his part, was having a tough time keeping his knees straight while running as Palutena was nearing her eighty-second climax of the afternoon and pumping him hard.

"H-hey, 'Bobette', I'm… kind of… having trouble running… with you… on me… like that…"

"'Bobette' isn't… ah, harder… yes! Even a real name! Ugh! Call me Jeanne."

"J-Jeanne… g-got it…"

"Don't… you have... AH! A… a flying car…?"

"Right!"

Falcon dug in his pockets for the key ring.

"Ah, shit! It must… be in my… ahhh… breast pocket! Beneath… buttons!"

"Must I do everything?"

Palutena held her breath – her bare nipples magically clenched together around Captain Falcon's breast pocket buttons, undid them, and probed for his key ring. Finally, they hit the command to summon over the Blue Falcon.

"You're truly… a surprising woman."

She smiled. "They can tie… shoelaces… too."

With the vehicle's arrival, a wailing guitar riff filled the air, catching Link's sensitive ears, far-off in the library. But that shit's gonna come into play later.

In a game-changing split-second, Captain Falcon and Palutena rolled into the Blue Falcon's opened cockpit, dodged a deadly poke attack, and drove by to pick up Ike and what was left of Lucario, which wasn't much.

As for Pit, he'd been smacked out of the pool area by a stray slap aimed at the FalconTena before he came. He disappeared as a fading star in the distance. A little boy far below in the City made a wish on that star for an accordion. It never came to pass, and instead, the boy was sold into the sex trade and lived the rest of his short life in utter misery.

It was near-impossible for Falcon to steer and even harder to see out of the overburdened F-Zero racer, which somehow made it out of the courtyard, through the main hall, between the bridges in the Electroplankton Garden, down the waterslide into the moat, and off the Smashgrounds entirely, resulting in a two-thousand-foot vertical freefall from the floating island.

"Bail!" Captain Falcon cried, ejecting everyone, who proceeded to use their recovery moves one by one to slow their descent into the sea.

"Grrrrrrrrgggghhhh…" the Lucario-husk managed, drooling.

"Snap out of it, man!" Captain Falcon yelled, still caught in mid-fuck.

A large tentacle-wielding sea beast leapt up from the depths, gaining incredible altitude.

After switching to a midair wheelbarrow position, Palutena toasted two approaching tentacles in quick succession. Captain Falcon was about to charge up a Falcon Punch™ to take care of the infringer for good, when suddenly, one of Bowser's incoming cargo airships ascended from below to pick up the falling combatants, and quickly dropped back into formation with the rest of the traffic coming into the Smash City Harbor.

When the Master and Crazy Hands arrived on the scene, their targets were gone entirely.

"How could they…? They must have had some help. Search the docks," the Ominous Voice said quietly, but not quietly enough.

_We've lost them for now_, Ike thought, hiding within a barrel on the deck of the airship. _I guess they can't automatically detect us. Yet somehow, I suppose it's just a matter of time. Until that happens, we need to come up with a game plan._

"YES!" Captain Falcon belted out as Palutena humped him like there was no tomorrow.

"Keep it the fuck down, you fucking fucks," Ike whispered frantically. "There's a time and place for that!"

* * *

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for Ch. 11!


	11. Everybody's Got Something To Hide

**Chapter Eleven**

**Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey**

"Huh," said Bowser, who was still trying to absorb and react to the impact of Ness' story. "You have quite a rare power indeed, Zelda. Thanks to your ability, it appears we… we now have the missing piece to our puzzle."

He poured himself another drink, and asked around the table if anyone else was thirsty. Recently added party member Rosalina had a sip of her sangria. Zelda and Peach took a beer each, but Sheik and Ness both went with one less.

"_A _missing piece," Zelda corrected him. "All we've discovered is how our memories are erased. There's still so much we haven't made progress on. The identity of our oppressors, for instance, and why they feel the need to keep us in the dark."

"There isn't much time to explain all we know to you, Melville," Bowser admitted, "but just in case we lose our memories in the near future…"

"Which is a very likely scenario, by the way," added Peach.

"Yes… in case that happens, maybe you'll be the only one who remembers. Or maybe you won't. I'm not sure how many times the rest of us have had this or any similar conversations, but as far as this iteration of my memory is concerned, this is the furthest we've ever gotten. I can't allow you to hear any more of our Order's secrets until you swear the Oath."

"We really don't have time for this," Sheik piped in, a little annoyed.

But Bowser shook his head. "Tradition is tradition. Zelda and Peach, be dears and fetch Link, Diddy, Luigi, and Mario. There might be more to learn from their memories, and we need to make plans ASAP."

"I'll take care of the plumbers," Zelda piped in, saving Peach from an awkward reunion with Mario. "Link should be either just finishing his training or sleeping in his quarters."

Peach nodded her thanks. "I think Mario was set to finish his session with the Wii Fit Trainer around this time, and Luigi ought to be with Falco in his office. If not, he's likely playing billiards to let off some steam."

_And I haven't even had a chance to pack my stuff_, Peach groaned on the inside. _Shush! You worry about your ex later, princess. There's fate-of-the-world stuff going on right now._

Both women split up from the others, leaving a dead silence hanging in the air.

"Um… about this Order thing… are there any membership fees?" Melville asked.

"No. But you do get this cool pin and a sticker. Not to mention there's coupons in our mailing list."

"Sweet! Free swag!"

Bowser cleared his throat and motioned to Rosalina. "Excuse me, Mother of Lumas. Would you do the honor of initiating the Male Villager to our little club?"

Rosalina nodded and perked up. "If it please the Order."

The tall woman stood across from the Male Villager. One of the Lumas, Steve, put a paper bag over Melville's head. Another Luma pulled down the Villager's shorts and held a live taser up to the man's testicles.

"Now, Male Villager, also known as Melville, I'm going to need you to pledge that you will never betray The Truth-Seekers," Rosalina said.

"I will never betray The Truth-Seekers."

"Really now? Do you swear it?"

"I swear it!"

Rosalina's sweet voice was full of authority. "Who do you swear it by?"

"I swear it on my life, and the lives of my pet fish, Zooey, Emma, and Natalie. I also swear by the moon and the stars and the sky, and to Gautama Buddha, to Optimus Prime, to the Lord of Light, to Hironobu Sakaguchi, to Chuck Norris, to Sarah Palin, to Gilgamesh, to that talented motherfucker Mos Def, to Madoka Kaname, and to Haruhi Suzumiya. Praise the Sun!"

Bowser pulled off the paper bag. "Damn. I really can't say 'no' to your evocation of Mos Def. All right, kid. Now, feast your eyes on this big block of text."

"What text?"

It was the group pic, with the Koopalings. Realizing his mistake, Bowser flipped to the next page and left the scrapbook in Melville's hands. A lengthy handwritten note greeted him.

"To whom it may concern: My name is Donkey Kong, and this is my life's work. My colleague Bowser and I have been compiling pieces of evidence suggesting that we are (A) all of multiple (possibly artificial) worlds or realities, sloppily united in this one, and (B) linked to the fate of a theorized 'human' world. Please see Exhibits A-J of our investigations, located in the back of this album. These are for the most part loose remnants, little snatches of information gleaned from this library and the highly censored Web access that we're allowed. They are arranged as follows:"

(A) "Pictures of humans wearing "Mario" hats, women dressed up as Samus, Peach, and Zelda, and assorted merchandise. T-shirts. Mugs. Cheap toys that come with cheap meals. Plastic miniature figurine trophies."

(B) "Video clips and images of children playing video game systems at home, with items much resembling the controllers and peripherals on display in the Smashgrounds Castle Halls and Smash City Museums."

(C) "Blurry photographs of what looks like a primitive television program: the 'Super Mario Brothers Super Show'..."

(D) "References to a company called 'Nintendo' abound in photographs taken at various sporting events throughout the years. This name is often omitted or missing in online sources… a screencap of a GameFAQs page has a 'Nintendo' section without any content…"

"It appears that the quality of our virtual representations has been improving with each successive Nintendo-constructed event… how are these universes connected? How are our souls shared between them, if at all? The answers to these questions remain elusive, and more pertinent than ever."

* * *

Peach hesitated before knocking a second time. Diddy Kong motioned for her to go ahead. Link was infamously a heavy sleeper, but she didn't want to be rude.

"Um... Link?"

She creaked open the door to see him sprawled out on the bed, clad in his boxers, dreaming soundly of things other than Marth. Diddy, who'd burst out laughing at the sight, hid in the hallway.

"Link-kun?" Peach repeated, a little louder.

"Mmmmmnnnn... Zelda... lick me... you're so bad, princess. So delicious."

"Link!" Peach cried, now with her hands over her ears. "Wake up!"

"Nuh-uh," Link mumbled while sliding his hand down his boxer-briefs, more than half asleep. "You gotta make Link Junior happy first."

"I'm not Zelda! This is an emergency!"

"You has a nice voice, dream lady. Fuck 'mergencies. My day off. Want sucky sucky."

"Don't you recognize me?"

"...No."

Finally, Peach rolled her eyes and tossed a turnip at Link's butt. It bounced off his bottom, flipped in the air, and bopped him in the noggin.

"Ow! What was that for?"

He then turned, blinked, and regarded the woman at last with his eyes.

"Ahh! Peach!" he yelled, pulling the blankets up to his chin. "Farore, Din, and Nayru! H-how long have you been standing there?"

Peach snapped her fingers and turned away, since her cheeks had turned blood-red. "Th-that really doesn't matter at this point! It's hustle time, Hylian boy!"

* * *

Zelda walked up to Luigi's office only to see the plumber talking one on one with his brother.

"You don't a-know when enough is enough, do you?" Mario pouted. "Keeping me dry is-a one thing, but putting me in a room with-a that creepy-ass fit-a-ness freak-"

"Oh, so it's my fault that this happened? You're gonna blame me for your dumb actions?"

"She was a-torturing me. I'm a-not modeled to stretch like that!"

"That doesn't mean you have the right to lock her in the closet and drink all her medical alcohol! That shit's not for human fucking consumption!"

"As-a if we are human," Mario countered. "And as-a if we need medical alcohol when-a we heal instantaneously."

"You don't just go locking people in closets!"

"AHEM!" Zelda announced as she scooted up to the door. The brothers turned to her. "Sorry to bother you, but there's some stuff going down that you might want to be a part of."

* * *

The Male Villager skipped around the album a bit to process all the mind-blowing information. A concluding note greeted him at the end of the scrapbook.

"As has been demonstrated, these pieces of pop culture and 'leaks' from the theorized parallel 'human' world strongly suggest that our existences go beyond this limited realm. There are gaping holes in our experiences, as we are kept shut up in this city and discouraged from asking questions. The so-called 'Ominous Voices' want to keep us in the dark, forever. I intend to change that. It is my belief that this is done because they are afraid of our true potential. At the moment, the truth of our worlds and the connections between them are murky at best. The only conclusion I can surmise with the current information is that the Ominous Voices are representatives of the company 'Nintendo' (see Exhibit F), made up of human beings who have kidnapped us from our worlds, and are engaged in the business of tormenting our souls to their monetary benefit. This is clearly a cruel and unusual form of dominance, yet sadistic as it is, if this theory is true, our suffering is directly relevant to the company's profit margins. Which is why I will go as far as I can, fly as high as possible, and pierce the heavens if I must, until I've seen all that can be seen, and hopefully gain an audience with our oppressors. There must be a solution to this violence. And I implore you all to join me." – Donkey Roderick Kong

Melville closed the book and turned to Bowser. "Wow."

The Koopa King, who was now hosting a slide show of blurry telescopic images showcasing a rather freaky-looking moon orbiting the planet, skipped ahead to the clearest picture he had.

"Two months ago, that was. DK really believed we could change our future. A day after he wrote that concluding statement… I… I wish I could recall more than a few little things. I know that a good dozen of us hijacked Meta Knight's ship, the _Halberd_. Some stayed behind to battle the Master and Crazy Hands. DK and I led the charge. Our plan was to fly to the edge of this realm, break on through to the other side, and confront the Voices. I seem to recall that we made it here."

He pointed at the large, freaky-faced moon.

"I felt a strong feeling of déjà vu, there," Bowser continued. "At the moon's sole fortress, however, our journey was halted. We were betrayed. DK sacrificed himself to buy us time, but to no avail. Ness was taken, and our memories were 'modified' to forget the incident. Only, I've been able to keep a few. And they always lead me back to some clue or another."

"Who could have done such a thing?"

Sheik shook her head. "It took more than one of us, I'll tell you that. There could be two traitors, or ten. Now, Melville, everything you've learned here today must come as quite a shock."

"You can say that again."

"Well, here's another shocker for you. None of us have any idea how many times the world has been reset. This could be the tenth, hundredth, or even thousandth iteration."

At that, Rosalina looked to Ness. "Perhaps you have some idea, dear?"

Ness shook his head. "When Zelda and I accessed my memory, there was a lot I remembered, yeah. But it was far from the only source of pain and suffering. There were other times. At least a dozen."

"At least?" Bowser double-checked. "Are you sure?"

"I know what I'm saying," replied Ness, a little crossly.

"I meant no offense. I require exactness," said Bowser. "A scientist cannot formulate a proper hypothesis without relevant information. Now, if you all don't mind, I'd like to put my thinking cap on."

At this, Bowser grabbed a pair of headphones and hit 'Play'. Pink Floyd's "Marooned" began in all its prog-rock glory, and David Gilmour's insane solo proceeded to melt his face off. Eyes intensely closed, the Koopa King played passionate air guitar to his Floyd playlist for a good few minutes.

"What a fossil!" Ness joked.

"I find it rather hot," said Sheik. "There's a bit of a mid-life crisis thing going on here, but it's good to see he's got passion. I bet he has an El Camino side project in the garage, too."

"Spot on, girl, except it's a Bowser Bike he's working on. I, too, am fond of the man's devil-may-care attitude," Peach recalled as she led Link into the vast library.

"Evening, everyone," said Link.

The Hylian's ears perked up at a sudden high-pitched sound. "Hold it! I just heard a familiar riff!"

The company spun around to the glass just in time to witness the Blue Falcon appearing, loading up its disheveled passengers and disappearing into the castle, chased by the Master and Crazy Hands.

"It's happening again," groaned Bowser, pulling out his cell phone and calling the Harbormaster. "They're going to hunt us down and clear our minds."

"We need to act tonight," Zelda insisted, entering the room with Luigi in tow. The Don was pushing a wiped-out Mario in a wheelbarrow. She sidled up to Link and gave him a quick kiss.

"Kamek!" Bowser whispered urgently into his phone as he watched the play-by-play on TV. "Need an urgent favor. Comandeer one of those cargo ships. Prepare to catch some guys about to fall below the Smashgrounds. Look for the blue racer. Quickly, now! Hide them well and call me back. No, this doesn't involve the Hands. Yes, you'll be paid for it. Thank you."

"I'm a-going to need a lot of catching up," Luigi said. "So some-a-one explain the situation to your Don."

Once he was off the phone, the Koopa King stood from his chair. "Sorry, Don. I'll explain more once we're aboard the _Halberd_. We gotta hustle. We need to get Samus, Meta-Knight, Olimar, Fox, Falco… Pretty much anyone with an aerial vehicle. They should be on their way to the dining hall by now. Someone text Ganon and Little Mac, too."

"But they're perverts!" Sheik exclaimed.

"They're also huge nerds, like me. Plus, Ganon is a whiz with a video camera, and Little Mac's not half bad on the Battlefield. We need to launch ASAP. Let's go!"

The band of merry companions quickly vacated the room and made their way to the parking garage.

"What the hell was that all about?" Link wondered aloud, since his thoughts were going to be read anyway. "For a second there I thought I saw that green-haired woman wrapped around Captain Falcon."

"Ugh, that new girl," said Zelda, a tinge of disgust in her voice. "I _thought _she was one of those types… from the way she looked at you when she arrived the other day."

"One of what?"

"Nevermind."

"Excuuuuuse me, princess. You're the mind-reader. Let's be fair here."

"Fine. She gave me the vibe of a total slut."

"Jeez laweez. Is sexual promiscuity such a crime?"

"No, but it's unfortunate."

"How so?"

Mario hiccupped as Luigi gained on the duo. "It's-a unfortunate because Zelly gets less attention now."

"Keep those stupid comments in your pocket!" Zelda cried, astonished. She then turned to Link. "And if you think it's so funny, well, mister, you can just go to hell, and that's a promise!"

The princess stormed off, and Link scratched his head. "Thanks, Mario. No sexytime for me tonight."

"If I can't-a get it, why should-a you? Woohoo!"

"Forgive him," Luigi pleaded. "He's in the middle of a bad detox. He knows not what he does."

Link shrugged. "She'll forgive me. She just needs to let off some steam. Here's hoping we get attacked sooner than later. A little excitement always gets her in the mood again."

As the party advanced through the hallways, Pac-Man followed closely behind.

"They're headin' to the hangar," Pac-Man whispered. "Their numbers are increasing by the minute. I say we go for a full-on assault. With the whole team, we can end this, now."

"No…" the Ominous Voice replied, telepathically. "They're rushing when they should be strategizing. If we stop them now, they'll just return at full force. Keep shadowing them. If they are truly dumb enough to mount an attack, we may be able to end this tonight."

_End what? _Pac-Man thought.

"These rebellious attempts. We can bring peace to the Smashverse at last."

"Wait… you can read my mind?"

"Of course we can, dumbass. And we gave Zelda the same power. Only, we've shielded all our operatives with false thoughts. If she relies too much on the surety of her ability, she'll be blind as to who to trust. It's the only reason she still trusts you and the other Insiders. C'mon, Puck. Use that giant head of yours."

"Yes, sir," he sighed. _This whole comeback thing better be worth it._

"Oh, it will be," the Voice assured him. "You'll be on top of the world again."

Yet, no matter how strongly they insisted, or how much evidence they put forth to boost his ego, Pac-Man wouldn't, couldn't, fully allow himself to believe the Voices.

_Forgive me if I don't take you all at face value. There's nothing any of us can do against your power._

"Shhh. Just take solace in the fact that we deemed you worthy enough to work as our Inside Man."

* * *

Thank you so much for reading! Hopefully I can update within the next week. Have a great holiday weekend!


	12. This Day We Fight!

**A/N:** Hey all! I'm very grateful for your patience! Anime Expo was fun, but between all the screenings and shopping for friends and family, I didn't have much time to powwow. I did get to see Keiji Inafune! The line for autographs was ridiculous. I just wanted to tell him how excited I am for Mighty No. 9. More good news: Katsuhiro Otomo's "Short Peace" was flippin' incredible.

I honestly didn't intend it to be, but this chapter is by far the longest yet! Probably 'coz it's doing double duty as a showcase for some Fox and Samus moments, while signalling a bit of a major turning point for Act One.

EDIT: Reassigned a few lines originally mistakenly attributed to Bowser.

**sippurp123:** Thanks again for your review! I just realized you wrote that the Female Villager is a yaoi fangirl 'herself'. Does that mean you're into yaoi? lol. I always thought of Peach and Zelda as BFFs, and was happy that they were standing together at the start of the Subspace Emissary. ^^ And Palutena may be a slut, but at least she's a well-intentioned one!

* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

**This Day We Fight!**

The castle's underground hybrid Hangar/Garage (Hangarage) was certainly one of the most impressive of its set pieces. Nearly three hundred vehicles of every type called it home, most of them craft for quick transport, supply runs, kart racing, or tending the elaborate landscaping on the Smashgrounds' many floating islands.

As it was one of the few places on the grounds that was inaccessible to the Camera Lakitu and therefore among the safest to host a wartime meeting in, the massive room was under 24-hour maintenance by a small army of otherwise homeless Toads, Koopas, and Pikmin, many of whom were flabbergasted at their living and recreational space being intruded on. Now Welfare Toads caught in mid-shower were running about performing pre-flight checks and refueling the dozens of offensive ships.

The Foreman, Peppy Hare, issued orders with the help of his trusty walking stick. The Great Fox was soon up and running, and the Arwings ready to launch. Samus' gunship was also prepped.

With Bowser busy trying to work out the kinks in his holographic projector, Little Mac took the opportunity to inch past Charizard and situate himself beside Ganondorf, who was staring intently at something on his Google Glass device.

"Whatchu got this time?" Mac whispered.

"Lookin' like prime content," Ganon replied.

"Who?"

"The two star-crossed lovebirds." Ganon motioned to the tardy Samus and Fox, who were just entering the Hangarage, from separate entrances. Tellingly, they both looked a little disheveled. "Couldn't resist a quickie, I suppose."

"There's our last two ace pilots!" exclaimed Bowser. "We can now begin the briefing! Ganon, is that thing on?"

Ganon checked the video camera and threw his buddy a thumbs-up. He clapped in front of the lens as a slate for the sound, which Meta-Knight was getting off the boom mic.

"All right, before I begin… any questions?"

Mr. Game and Watch rang a bell. He wrote on his Etch-A-Sketch and had Pac-Man read it aloud.

"GW says we have a few missing people. Does anyone know of their whereabouts? If they're all right?"

Nana, the Female Villager, Kirby, Captain Falcon, Ike, Lucario, Pit, and Palutena were notably absent from the gathering.

"At the risk of revealing too much to any eavesdropping Voices, GW, as far as those in the courtyard are concerned, there's no worry for their safety," Sheik said from behind the holographic display map of the Smashgrounds, which she was having trouble calibrating for real-time settings. "I can't speak for the others."

"Not sure if someone explained this, but why are we here again?" Mega Man piped in from the front row, reclining atop Rush. "Never mind skippin' dinner. I haven't even settled into my room yet."

"Some urgent information has come to light," said Bowser, motioning to Zelda and Ness, who were joining him on the podium. "Please allow us to explain…"

Ganon knew he should be listening to whatever Bowser, Zelda, and Ness were saying, but it couldn't hold a candle to the dirty video Chibi-Robo had brought for him.

* * *

"I… I thought we were going to talk over some coffee," Zero Suit Samus weakly protested as she allowed Fox to tie her hands to the Rococo-era dining chair in her private quarters.

"There's only nine minutes till I'm on Brawl duty. I only brought you here for two reasons," he grinned playfully. "To brew ya some coffee and fuck your mouth senseless. And oh, what's this?"

He upturned a tin of Samus' rather expensive imported grounds, spilling them all over the floor.

"It looks like you're all out of coffee."

A blindfold went in front of Samus' eyes, and she squirmed in her seat as Fox began to lick her sweaty body, along her ears and the nape of her neck at first. He unzipped her suit and ran his tongue down her clavicle, and finally along the tops and sides of her shapely breasts, then circling her areolas…

"It's so warm," she said, shaking as she kicked off her jet boots. Fox could tell she was feeling hot with the windows drawn and the air conditioner off, but he didn't dare to take her blue jumpsuit off past her breasts. _Not yet_, he thought. _I need to make you beg for me._

He sniffed and licked all around her body, an animalistic ritual that Ms. Aran thoroughly enjoyed. It wasn't long before the anthropomorphic fox was groping and feeling up her tits in earnest.

"Ahh… Fox… I can feel every little thing… it's amazing."

"Of course it is," he grinned, and stood impatiently on the wooden arms of Samus' chair, his crotch hanging directly in her face. "Is your body ready?"

"Yes, hon."

"Say it."

"My body is ready."

"Awwwwwwww yeah," Fox said as his pants immediately tented.

"What's so sexy about that line? I don't get it," inquired Samus.

"Shhhhhhh, it doesn't matter," Fox replied as he pushed his cock against his girlfriend's lips.

A little perturbed, she reluctantly took his foxhood in and offered some obediently ornate oral. Samus began slowly at first, and then sped up as Fox grabbed the back of her head and started pushing his 4" length, 2" girth penis down the bounty hunter's throat.

* * *

Ganon pictured dollar and yen signs spinning around in his eyeballs at the hardcore footage Chibi-Robo had captured. The diminutive robot had eked out a perfect little spot on a nearby cabinet and zoomed in on the action.

"Can I see when you're done?" Little Mac asked.

"Fifteen coins says I'll think about it."

* * *

After some time, Fox pulled out of Samus' mouth and slapped her. She recoiled, shaking.

"Ahhh! Honey, why-?"

Fox slapped her hard again. For the third hit, he gave her a backhand. It was so hard that Fox, Samus, and Ganon all held their breath in fear.

"You were slowing down," he explained.

Samus shook her head, wincing from what was sure to be a bruise. "Don't do that."

"A man like me does what he wants." He grabbed her hard by the chin. "Not like that bitch-ass android; I saw 'im checkin' you out earlier. And you looked at him, too. Probably wondering if he was bigger than me, huh? Probably wondering if he'd satisfy you better'n me, yeah?"

"What? Not at all!"

"Good. You gonna let me fuck your mouth again, baby?"

Samus nodded, but Ganon saw that she was putting up a strong act. The tears in her eyes were real as Fox pushed harder, better, faster, and stronger down her mouth with his short but fat cock, rolling it around just so and tapping her gag reflex occasionally.

It was clear that Ms. Aran wasn't enjoying what Fox was doing. This went on as she tried to mumble words to make him stop.

"P-pwease… Venom…"

He yanked his dick from her mouth.

"Hon, did you just say the safe word?"

She nodded, sad to disappoint her lover. "Sorry. It's just…"

Fox raised a hand again, but caught himself before it became a tool for violence. "It's fine. I… guess I… went too far. It… won't happen again."

Samus tried to keep the mood light, though she knew she'd lost Fox. "Babe… you'll be late for your match."

"Fuckin' A," he said as he cut her ropes with his Reflector and tossed her a towel before fixing his fur in the vanity mirror. "Go get yourself cleaned up."

* * *

Fast-forwarding the rest of the video, Ganon sighed, a little disappointed. More than a few of his dollar signs dropped off the wayside. _Samus' face is too pretty for beatings. There's a limited audience for this kind of stuff._

Ganon looked away from his device to see the odd couple spread away from each other in the audience.

_Man, those two are awkward as fuck. Perhaps I ought to play the part of relationship counselor.  
_

"Pikachu," Bowser began. "Any word from Mewtwo? We could really use his help right now."

Pikachu shook his head.

Ganon noticed something in the corner of his vision – a notification on his wearable computer.

_WAIT. What's this?_

There was another video on the flash card. It beckoned to the Gerudo man, who immediately hit Play.

* * *

The film had the same cast as the last one, only this one appeared to have been taken not too long ago.

Samus was on her knees, bent over on her bed. From behind her, Fox pressed against Samus' anus with his nose, all the while lightly slapping against her clit with two alternating fingers.

"I call this one 'slapping de bass'," he said.

His fingers were now covered in Samus juice, which was dripping unabated on the sheets. Fox nimbly switched hands and used his wet fingers to penetrate her butthole, preparing it for greater things to come.

"Ahh," she cried softly. "Not so fast."

"You still haven't been using the butt plugs," Fox observed. "It's gonna be a real squeeze."

Samus nodded. "Might be too tight, baby."

"There isn't a penetrable hole in the galaxy that's too tight for me," Fox scoffed.

He whipped out his cock, coated it in lube, and slapped it repeatedly against Samus' butt before rubbing it gently across her hole. After a few misfires, he was finally able to get the head in. He slowly squeezed in most of the shaft.

"Ouch! Yes!" Samus cried as Fox thrust harder into her luscious behind.

It appeared to be immensely painful at first, but upon further application of lube, she relaxed herself at last and resigned her hole to Fox's ridiculous girth.

"Yeah, Fox, honey! Do me right!"

"Oh! Yes! Yes, howl for me, Krystal!"

Samus' voice dropped two octaves. "What?"

"Ah, I just meant that y-you're my personal crystal, honey. 'Coz you shine so bright for me…"

Samus turned around to look Fox straight in the eye. "That's a bold-faced lie. You've said that before. And you say it like a _name_. What was she, an ex?"

"It's really none of your business," said Fox.

"Yes, it is!" Samus cried, pulling forward and ejecting Fox from her behind, which was followed by some farting. "When you say it in bed, I'm pretty sure it fucking is! Just tell me the truth!"

"Is that really what ya want?"

"Yes!"

"Well, okay. The truth is, I don't remember. Sometimes I just say that word. It happens in my sleep."

At this, she alighted and ran to the bathroom to clean herself up. Fox Fox Illusioned up to the door and put his hand up against it.

"Babe, I'm sorry."

"I… I want to believe you… I'm so confused. I just don't know anymore."

"You're overthinking things."

Samus' voice betrayed angry tears. "Maybe. But I wish you'd have a little more respect for me… like, as a person."

Fox paced back and forth. "Hon, I have no idea where all this is coming from. I thought we were okay."

"I thought so, too."

"Do you still think so?"

"I don't know. I can't talk about this right now. Wait. I just got a text."

"Me too. Apparently there's an emergency meeting in the Hangarage."

* * *

Ganon bit his lip in frustration. Another mostly unsexy video. _This is definitely not fap-worthy. Bollocks._

He switched the device off and observed Bowser, who'd finished the bulk of his presentation and was pointing at a diagram of the creepy-ass moon.

"The assault will require several small ships to take out the shield conduits, here, and here. Fox and Samus, you'll be leading the Forward Wing. The _Halberd_ will provide covering fire while my fleet and the _Great Fox _take on the big guns. I don't want to see any Zapp Brannigan bullshit out there. Be fucking Lukes and Wedges."

"What was that last part?" Ganon asked.

Little Mac shrugged. "Something about lemon wedges? I think he said he likes 'em in his bourbon when he listens to Frank Zappa."

"What a classy commander."

"That's a-not what he said at all!" Mario scoffed. "Why don't-a you take off those a-gloves and clean your ears for once, shit-a-for-brains?"

"At least I have some brains!" replied Little Mac. "Your blood is so thin, it's probably flammable."

"You as-a-king for a taste of a-my fireball whisky? Try me, bitch!"

Luigi tried in vain to shush his brother. "Pipe down, _paisano_!"

Bowser shot a sweeping flamethrower into the air. "GUYS! Please… everyone PLEASE… just fucking listen for like five goddamn minutes… can we all just do that?"

He took a few deep breaths and put on his wireless headphones. Hendrix's "All Along the Watchtower" solo started to play, and Bowser whipped out his air guitar and strummed along.

Peach took to massaging Bowser's tired neck as best she could, though her colleague's skin was rather tough and scaly. As those gathered began murmuring, Link equipped a bullhorn to keep people from leaving.

"All right, you fools! Since apparently there are those in the audience who lack the capacity to listen, let me say this in a way that EVERYONE can understand. We fly HERE. Bad guys' base… THERE. Middle of this creepy-ass forehead. As for Alpha Squad, we're to ORBIT – that means circle – the moon to pick up speed, and then divebomb onto their facility. As for Monsieur Kamek over there-"

Link pointed across the way to Kamek, who was sipping some brandy whilst leaning on one of Bowser's airships. He held his drink up in acknowledgment.

"His fleet's gonna drop bob-bombs, providing defensive cover for the landing party. Rosalina and the Lumas will guard Ness on her space station. Fox, Falco, and Samus, you're tasked with taking out the barrier conduits, which appear to be powered by surplus energy from the base's solar fields. If only there were a way to hit the conduits directly... without that overflow, there'd be no way they could power the forcefield."

"H-hold up," Captain Olimar piped in. "If their excess shit is creating a barrier, it is our duty to penetrate deeply into that orifice and eliminate the stopgap to fluidize those liabilities. Otherwise, we could face some serious congestion. Effectively, this can be done with a clear flushing out-"

"The fuck you talkin' about, nigga?" Dedede cried. "The moon base, or yo' colon?"

"Both," said Olimar. "Guys, I assure you, I speak from personal experience. After my last coffee enema, my system has never been the same. The passages have been freed for any and all content to pass through unhindered. This moon is filled with assholes, right? So why don't we try cleaning them out from the inside?"

"Yeaaaaah. That'd be just great if there was water in space, fucktard," Falco argued.

"Wait!" replied Link. "We don't need water. All we need are water Pokemon."

"Piiika!"

"He's all, holy fuck," Meowth translated. "Wonders why he didn't think of that."

"Pikachu. Chuuuuu." / "Greninja aside, I can get about two dozen in an hour. But it'll cost ya."

"We'll discuss payment later," Luigi stated.

"Chu Chuuu Ka." / "Five thousand coins."

"WHAAAT?" Ness exclaimed. "This is our future, Pikachu! This affects all of us!"

"Kaaachu." / "Take it or leave it, he says."

Luigi scribbled out an official IOU and handed it to the Pokemon. "We'll borrow some cash from the ice skating rink fund."

"Don't you dare touch that!" A drunken Popo yelled, bloody murder in his eyes. "Tha's mostly my winnings!"

"Um… okay," Luigi replied. "Then we'll halt improvements to the Jade sauna in the west wing."

"No way, Jose!" Mario had his arms crossed to form an 'X'. "That's a-been on the agenda for weeks now!"

Luigi pulled out his tablet. "Hmmmmn. How about… we cancel next Friday's topless KY Jelly wresting slash stamp rally slash strip poker?"

The others erupted into a riot of disapproving jeers. The Male Villager dodged a thrown shoe, which smacked Mega Man off of Rush.

"How about we just cut out the stamp rally part?" the Don asked drolly.

"Tondemo nai!" yelled Marth.

"What's pretty boy sayin'?" Luigi asked.

"He says 'no way'," translated Link. "He's only two stamps away from completing his Johto Pokedex."

"Okay, okay, okay. Well, then, that... that just leaves our annual charity fund for 'clean water and food for starving orphaned children, war refugees, and general victims of World Brawl III'."

There were no further objections.

"Really?" Luigi asked. "No one's a-gonna say anything? No one at all? All a-right, done. My sponsored Kokiri kid is a-probably going to die multiple times of dysentery. I hope a-you people are happy with your-a-selves."

"I'll stand up for those poor, unfortunate souls," Peach cried, to Luigi's relief. "If these Pokemon will truly help us, then I will personally donate a thousand coins to the cause! Any more takers?"

Princess Toadstool was so in the moment that she didn't notice that Yoshi, hidden in a vent shaft beneath her feet, had, in a defining insant, shot his tongue up her skirt and discreetly stole a precious pair of her white-and-blue striped panties. The slurping of his retracting tongue made it sound as if Peach had emitted a mighty queef.

As if to drown out the unwelcome sound, a Hangarage-wide golf clap followed Peach's heartfelt pledge.

Her knees clenched together from feeling a sudden draft. _Why is it suddenly so cold down there?_

"Please?" she pleaded. "Anyone? Even just a hundred coins? Fifty to start?"

"AHA! How's about we do a garage sale?" posited Olimar.

"Fuck garage sales!" Wario yelled. "There's a-no way we can sell four thousand coins' worth o' junk! Let's hit the casinos! I know a guy who knows a guy. With Zelda's mind-reading abilities, getting the code to the safe is nothin'! We'll pull off a heist faster'n you can say, 'cha-ching'!"

"My powers are not meant for criminal acts," Zelda insisted boldly.

"This isn't a joke, everyone!" Ness cried out. He'd pulled off his cap and was chewing on the rim. "This is life and death here! Why are we even having this discussion? We need to haul ass outta here ASAP! The Hands are probably coming after us as we speak!"

But his pleas fell on deaf ears. It wasn't long before the entire Hangarage exploded into a mess of terrible ideas. At long last, having had another serving of scotch, Bowser tossed his glass at the recently emerged panty-munching Yoshi, nailing him in the skull. He then removed his headphones and emitted a yell that shook the very core of the island.

"Are all y'alls reptilian brain urges satisfied yet? Are you drunken layabouts done successfully out-dumbassing one another for the millionth time? It must take a lot of fucking cocaine, alcohol, and weed for most of you to get dumber EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. After what happened at lunch, I really thought we'd reached the end of the acceleration curve! But noooooo! Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ on a Titanite Slab! How in the name of Hugh Jackman's beard are y'all functioning? Don't you see this is our ONE chance to find out the truth behind our existences? We can reach the heavens! The full truth of our existence - nay - TRUE eternal glory is within our grasp!"

In the middle of Bowser's rant, Samus walked towards her gunship and entered the lift.

"Ms. Aran! Please don't go!" Zelda cried, and then had a flash run through her mind. She peered into Samus' thoughts and realized the girl truly needed a moment alone.

_There's no future for us_, Samus thought. _I hope it all ends tonight. I don't belong here with these people._

Fox followed his girlfriend to save face, and Ganon was quick enough to send Chibi-Robo in after them before the lift raised.

"Hon, what's going on?" he asked as he entered the gunship.

Samus sat weeping in her cockpit and didn't even turn to regard Fox.

_Why are you here? Get out!_

"I don't know," she replied, putting up a calm exterior. "I'm just not happy. I think I should be alone-"

"What do you mean, you're not happy? You've got the best pilot in the galaxy as your man."

"I just… I haven't been at my best lately."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Um, nothing? I wasn't talking about you. In fact, you kind of just barged in."

"Oh, right."

Samus looked down at her water bottle. She zoned out while watching it condense in the cabin's chilly, processed air. As cold and tiny of a place as her gunship was, it always felt like home. And right now, the man she loved was an intruder.

Fox coughed. "Sorry, babe. You were saying something about not being at your best?"

"Never mind. Could you leave me alone for now, please?"

"God! You're impossible, you know that? All I want is a straight answer. What's pissin' you off?"

After equipping her full Varia suit and raising her helmet's visor, Samus drew in a huge breath. Even within her life-saving shell of a suit, she felt immensely vulnerable.

"I'm… not sure if it's just me… so tell me… where do you think this relationship is going?"

Fox scratched his head. "That's a loaded question."

"You're the one who owes me a straight answer now," she quipped.

"Look, is there something… wrong? Did I do anythin' bad? I mean, help a guy out here."

"You're not on trial or anything. I guess what I mean is, you and I don't really have much in common."

"All right! Who is it?!" Fox practically demanded. "I'll show you how much more I love you than anyone else. Just put him on Final Destination with me."

But Samus shook her head. "There isn't anyone else."

Fox took quite some time to process this otherwise harmless statement. "Ah… so you think you're better off alone?"

Ms. Aran was struck silent. "I was just pointing out that we don't have much in common…"

"Well, that's that, then. Goodbye. Adios. Sayonara."

"What the fuck?!" she wailed.

"Nobody breaks up with Fox McCloud. Nobody."

"I wasn't! I just wanted us to talk! I don't know what you were-"

"And I don't take any chances. Nothing personal."

He turned on his heels and took the lift down, followed by Chibi-Robo. Samus grabbed at her hair in anger and frustration, and then buried her face in her hands as she curled into a ball and tried to calm herself.

_I guess I'm at fault. I thought I'd get to be special, the exception to the rule. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that if I helped you become less of an asshole, I could help myself out of my depression, too. You think you've got abandonment issues, McCloud? Try living a day in my shoes._

As Fox descended the gunship, every eye in the audience, except for Bowser's, was on him. McCloud was shocked to see that, thanks to Chibi-Robo and the mischievous Ganon, highlights of the conversation they'd just had were being broadcast on the Jumbotron to the whole Hangarage. Samus was currently crying, set to "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

"Oh, fuck me," he said.

"Pretty smooth flyin', Fox," Falco quipped, patting his comrade on the back. "Go apologize. It ain't too late."

"I… can't do that."

Pac-Man snuck into the conversation from behind. "Then there's nothing else you can do at the moment that won't make things worse. I suggest we all focus on the task at hand, eh? The Hands could be here at any second."

Fox gave Puck a death glare that said _'this is none of your business'_, and walked over to his Arwing.

"How close are we to launching?" Fox asked, teeth grit. He was about ready to massacre a whole fleet.

"Clear the airstrip!" Zelda suddenly announced via the bullhorn, peering at the real-time holographic map of the island. "We have an A-Class ship fast approaching. Repeat! Everyone, clear the airstrip!"

Fox, Falco, and Pac-Man all vacated the main strip, and just in time.

The gaping bay doors swung open to welcome an approaching friendly vessel. The giant floating pirate ship entered the hangar, propelled by a whirlpool cyclone. It landed gently on the middle of the strip, teetering like a rocking chair. At its helm was a small kid with an extremely large head dressed in the garb of the Hero of Time. He smiled and waved, descending the ship while holding a magic leaf.

"Wassup, homies?!" called Toon Link.

"Yo, Hero of Winds! The hell have you been all day?" Link cried.

"Aww, you know. Just got held up treasure hunting. Picked up a few scallywags on my way through the harbor."

Palutena, Pit, Captain Falcon, and Ike descended from the cargo ramp. All looked rather worse for wear. Ike was holding Lucario in his arms; the poor Pokemon was practically comatose.

Everyone bowed in solemn respect as Ike sat Lucario up on the podium. His head slumped.

"I couldn't save him…" Ike said sadly. "We were all too late."

"I'm so, so sorry," Palutena continued, head bowed. "It was all my fault. We couldn't stop the Hands. Believe you me, Pit and I will do anything to make this right."

"We will?" Pit asked, and was quickly slapped hard behind the head.

Pikachu walked deliberately slowly up to Lucario and placed a hand on his cheek. "Pika."

Lucario returned Pikachu's stare, looking directly into his eyes. From the former there was no response, no flickering, nothing. But Pikachu saw something - or possibly a lack of something - that triggered a sparking in his cheeks.

"Piiiika."

A drop of drool fell from Lucario's mouth to the floor in slow motion. The moment it hit, Pikachu sighed, turned around, and shook his head.

"Pikachu! Piiiiiiika Piiiiiiiiii! PIKAAAAA! CHUUUUUUUU!"

A mass of lightning erupted from Pikachu and jumpstarted every engine in the Hangarage. The yellow mouse pulled out Luigi's IOU, tore it up, and ate the piece of paper in front of everyone.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Bowser whipped out his Gibson guitar and played a mean rendition of the Pokemon League theme.

Meowth wiped away a stray tear, but more flowed down his face unabated. "Pikachu says, fuck the coins! This betrayal alone will bring our brothers together! This is a time for _all _Pokemon to unite! We ain't gonna rest until them that did this are brought to justice!"

* * *

Thank you so so much for reading! I'm not exactly sure when I can have Chapter Thirteen up, but hopefully it'll be less than a week from now! Expect tons of action! Please review and follow if you enjoyed the story! I welcome all constructive criticisms. :D


	13. Dust in the Wind

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Did I say there was gonna be a lot of action in this chapter? Well, turns out I lied. Gotta apologize for the more serious tone of this one, actually. I'm swamped with work and in a major depressive funk, the kind where it's tough to even get out of bed. This summer is waaaaay too hot to be working outside in all day, and yet that's what I'm doing...

The Lucina and Robin reveal got me all hot and bothered. Er, that is, excited. They'll appear in the story once this Act is complete (about four or so chapters from now). I now have no excuse to not finish _Fire Emblem: Awakening_, which I'm about halfway through (I've paired Chrom up with Female Robin, because despite being a straight guy, if I have a choice, I'll always pick a female avatar). It's a bit of a curse with me - I'll get super into a game, and just when it's getting excellent, I'll put it down and do something else, not wanting the experience to come to an end. I can't tell you how many times this happens to me, and it happens most with JPRGs. Like, to this day, after 60-odd hours of gameplay, I still haven't finished _Tales of Vesperia_, and I loved the ever-loving shit out of that game.

**CORRECTION:** Last chapter, I mentioned that Ganon had a "Google Gl" device. I meant "Google Glass".

**sippurp123:** Thanks as always for your comments! I can never resist a little Link x Zelda. And Samus has a bit of an emotional journey ahead of her. At the risk of revealing too much, I'll just warn you that there's gonna be some same-sex couples in the future. XD As random as this fic seems, I do actually have plans for the love lives of certain characters, although at the odd pace this story is going at, it may take a while for them to get there! To quote Neil Peart, "no one gets to their heaven without a fight!" Glad you enjoy Palutena! She's a lot of fun to write.

**Guest:** Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoy this chapter too!

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Dust in the Wind  
**

"They have launched, Your Grace. Why not send the Hands after them now? Why not crush them?"

The Ominous Voice looked to Codename Eliminator, _Agent White_ for short, and gave the approaching minion a sharp look that warned him against questioning the judgment of his betters.

Agent White bowed. "I apologize, milord, if I offended you. I simply-"

"There is no progress without knowledge. No knowledge without learning. No learning without contrast. And I can think of only two forms of contrast these schmucks need against their pampered lives: a good dose of suffering, and a healthy fear of death. The latter, I believe, is your specialty."

"That much is inarguable. So… you're saying it's up to us to foster their education?"

The Ominous Voice began to hover in the air, rising slowly into the otherwise dark room's retractable skylight.

"By all means necessary. Now, you heard the Koopa King's plot. _Agent Gray _has his orders. I want you,_ Orange_, and _Blue_ to man the Generator rooms and prepare for the worst. Don't let them catch you unprepared."

"What of Porky, milord? Shall I-?"

"Not your concern. He and Gadd know the protocol for this situation. If anyone needs me, I'll be doing my Super Saiyan thing. Oh, and _please_ stop calling me milord and Your Grace and whatnot. It's a waste of time and it's getting old."

With that, the Ominous Voice emerged from the ceiling of the compound and began to glow with power.

Agent White craned his neck up until it hurt. "Understood, mil-. Er, that is-"

"Just call me 'boss', n00b!"

"Yes, boss."

* * *

_What the hell kind of a planet is this, anyway? _Captain Olimar wondered as his Hocotate Freighter ship ascended the upper limits of the unnamed planet's atmosphere alongside Bowser and company.

Down below, past the borders of Smash City, the rest of the sphere was covered in either deep blue oceans, or a thick layer of clouds.

_It's a trick. This whole world is a fabrication._

For the first time in the months since his arrival at the Smashgrounds, Olimar actually wondered whether what he thought of as his own flesh and blood was even real. Surrounded by his loyal Pikmin, he pondered the questions of life, the universe, cherry pie ala mode, and everything.

He gazed out of his cockpit to see Link, Mega Man, DK, and Diddy Kong all standing heroically out on the deck of Bowser's personal airship, ready to fight. _There's no oxygen out here. They should be frozen and asphyxiated. And yet, there they stand. Though I suppose after all we've seen, the lack of gravity and vacuums of all things shouldn't surprise me._

_Still, there's something very troubling about this. If we don't understand the physical laws of this universe, we can never be in control of our fate._

_When looked at in that light, perhaps it's a blessing that the Ominous Voices exist._

_Then again, even in a world of uncertain physics and seemingly arbitrary rules, isn't our fate just what we make of it? _

_I've learned nothing from Lord of the Rings if I can't admit that even one tiny person can make a difference._

* * *

"We gon' fuck some bitches up, or what?" Mega Man bemoaned, pacin' back and forth on the flight deck of Bowser's flagship.

Diddy Kong made some excited noise and began shadow-boxing the android.

"Ya can't wait ta get yer hands on 'em dirty brainwashin', kidnapin' murderers neither, eh, furface?"

As the two initiated a friendly sparring round, Donkey Kong merely looked up at the moon as if it were the most fascinating sight in the world and continued to chew his toenails.

But Link was unusually silent, with his eyes closed. His thoughts were with his princess, who was likely conversing with Bowser on the bridge. He thought hard about her, projecting his mental state to a degree that she couldn't possibly ignore him.

_Hey, baby, _Link thought._ I'm imagining us together in the rec room this time. You on your back on the pool table, and me between your thighs. I tear open your stockings. My cock is rubbing up against your pussy as I'm groping your tits. I move my hands up. Put my finger in your mouth to tease you. Slowly slide the head in...  
_

_"Cut it out!" _Zelda responded telepathically from the bridge. _"Don't you know I'm still upset with you?"_

"Ah, I felt something in the way you just thought that," Link said out loud, as it helped him to enunciate. "You're always so fiery when you're indignant. How's about I head over there and help douse those flames?"

_"Careful, now. You should know what happens to little boys who play with fire."_

"Ah! But that's what we need, to stoke your embers. I'll take you hard on the Mamoswine carpet by the fireplace. We'll start slow. I'll begin with a foot massage, and then work my way up your legs. Once I get to your back, I'll start whipping out some sensual oils. Eventually you won't be able to resist. You'll raise your hips in the air, and I'll bend over your back and pull your hair so I can kiss your neck..."

_"Shut. The Hell. Up. I'm trying to help plan the assault here. Plus, there's no fireplace on this ship."_

"How about the engine room?"

_"People are working there."_

"So? They can watch."

_"Ugh, you're impossible."_

"Admit it, you want me. Your love hole is aching for my Triforce of Courage. Just gimme a place."

_"Go to hell. I'm busy taking inventory on the Fairy Bottles." _

_YES!_ The "Big Item Catch" melody played in Link's head as he fist-pumped in victory.

"Wow, you're dirty!" Mega Man observed.

Link turned to the blushing android. It was evident the robot thought he was the one being addressed. "Ah, y'see, I was actually... that is..."

"Y'know, that's the second time a guy has preposition-, porpoise-, er, that is, proposishin'd me today. I'm, like, seriously flattered."

"Yeah, about that... I was actually talking to Zelda. She can read my mind, remember?"

"Oh. Way to break a guy's heart, fairy boy."

"No hard feelings, Mega Man," Link said, walking briskly towards the captain's cabin. "There's someone out there for everyone. But we'll have this conversation another time. My princess awaits."

_Hold up, baby! I'm on my way!_

* * *

After ensuring that Ness was comfortably situated in her safe room, Rosalina took a walk on the outer rings of her Comet Observatory. She smiled at the Male Villager, who was pacing the ramparts of her space station like a stalwart sentry.

"All's clear, milady!" he announced dutifully.

The Mother of Lumas sat down on the edge of the rim alongside him, watching the stars whiz by. "Thank you, Melville."

Melville brimmed with pride at having won the lady's approval.

"I've never been in space before," he said, breaking a long silence. "At least, not that I can remember."

"There are many who think it lonely and cold. Unwelcome, even."

"I don't see that at all! It's incredible out here!"

She smiled. Though she found his luster at the sight of the stars to be downright naïve, it was true that she felt more at peace in the expansive, eternal emptiness than in the cramped castle chambers.

_This one has a good heart_, she thought. _He has the gentle nature of a child, and the soul of a warrior._

Melville tossed pieces of fruit at Young Master Luma, who happily ate each one.

_I probably felt the way that he did, once. It must have been years and years, Luma, since I left my home to travel the stars with you. For all the things I've long forgotten, I consider myself blessed to still remember my old home, and that tree upon the hill, and my mother's face._

"Do you like watching shooting stars, Melville?"

"More than anything!"

"Everything in this universe was once a piece of stardust. All matter… not to mention all energy… originated from the same place, and from the same compounds. And one day, when our planet's solar system dies, and life fades from the surface… stardust will be all that remains of us."

The Male Villager shook a little in his tennis shoes. "Do you think… do you think we're going to die tonight, Lady Rosalina?"

"No. But even if I did, I don't believe death is the end. It is _an _end, to be sure. But life - if you can even call what we have life - goes on."

She waved her wand and a mass of stardust appeared, like a handful of confetti. She cupped the pixie dust in her gentle hand and blew them into the vacuum of space.

"Do you see those particles? They've now gone their separate ways. Their atoms and molecules will travel on independently, maybe for billions of years. The same will happen to our remains. All records will fade. All deeds will be forgotten. And yet, as long as there's a universe to host them, the building blocks of life will continue to form and reform in an endless cycle. Like the Lumas, maybe you will be reborn as a moon. Or a comet. Or even a star."

Melville smiled. "I'd like to be a part of a star. A huge one, I hope. A Red Giant!"

Though she smiled on the outside, Rosalina said nothing, and only thought back to the dozens of Lumas who must be wandering aimlessly through space at the moment, searching for their 'Mama'.

"Are you okay, milady?" he asked, once he saw that he'd lost her to silence.

"Ah! Yes. Yes, Melville," said she, once she caught herself. Rosalina ran her hands through his messy hair. "I think you'd make a wonderful star."

* * *

"Any sign of the enemy?" Bowser asked, swiveling atop his _Star Trek_-esque Captain's Chair as he watched the feed of his Koopa Troopas loading Bullet and Banzai Bills into their respective cannons.

"Nope. It's all goin' smoothly, sir," replied Kamek. "We've got _Great Fox_ and _Halberd_ covering our sides. Rosalina's positioned in back of the fleet."

_Without telling anyone else,_ Bowser thought, whipping out his phone, _I'll send her a text and have her move to the center._

Kamek continued. "I've also gotten word that the _Falcon Flyer _has taken off with over five dozen Pokemon."

"What's our ETA?"

"Ten minutes to the rendezvous point. From there, we'll wait for the _Flyer _and coordinate the approach with all Wings."

"Good shit. Over and out."

With that, the Captain inspected their telescopes' real-time holographic feed of the moon. Their path was looking clear – far too clear for comfort, in fact. And the Voices had to know that they were coming for them. It was obvious they were walking into a trap.

"Zelda?" he called out.

Sheik shook her head while playing the Song of Storms on her lute. "She took off to take inventory of our Fairy Bottles for fair distribution. Said she'd be back in five."

* * *

_Where are you when I need you? _Fox wondered. _By now you'd be in my head, telepathically reassuring me. I don't know how long it's been, Krystal. It might be ancient history. But I remember how you made me feel._

"I'm hit!" yelled Slippy over the comm. channel, interrupting Fox' thoughts.

Falco pulled at his feathers as he watched the video feed of his ex-teammate inexplicably appear on his Arwing's onboard computer. "How the fuck-? We're not even behind enemy lines yet! Slippy, why in the name of Colonel Sanders are you on this channel? You're supposed to be far, far, away!"

The anthropomorphic frog laughed deeply from inside his cockpit. "That train was a bust! I spend every day doing the same shit, driving through the same portals, on the same tracks! Then I go home to an overly protective wife, thirty tadpoles, and my aging father! Fuck nine-to-five living! Try as you might, you can't keep me away from battle!"

"If I see him, shall I shoot him down?" asked Wolf O' Donnell. "If I hit him between the eyes, it may save on repair costs."

"You too?!" Falco said. "When the hell did you decide to join us?"

"When I got word that this was a paid gig."

"Ugh. Just make sure you've got that shit in writing before we engage," advised Falco. "The Don's a stickler for paperwork. Where's the rest of your crew?"

"Those morons could be imprisoned in a space zoo for all I know. I was about to ask, has Kryst-?"

"Cut the chatter! Does anyone see that shining diamond in the distance?" Fox asked his three companions.

Falco's face came in over the feed. "You see it too? Electric flickering. There's something beyond it."

"An invisibility field!" Peppy added, speaking from the bridge of the _Great Fox_. "Seems what you're lookin' at is an imperfection. There's an ambush awaiting us!"

"Alert Bowser!" said Fox.

"Way ahead of ya!" responded Peppy.

As they neared the moon, even larger portions of the forcefield flickered off, revealing a swarm of ships. While the results were inconclusive, the armada could be in the tens of thousands.

"Targets closing," Falco warned. "Shall we go into all-range mode?"

"Not yet," Fox said. "Someone contact the other gunship."

"Uh, I'm… right here…" Samus replied over the comm.

Fox smiled. "Falco, tell her we're going to break through that fleet!"

Wolf facepalmed. "You're seriously going to be like this, Fox? You pretty much just told her yourself."

"Ummmmm," replied Falco, trying to focus on the approaching forcefield. "Not to change the subject or anything, but I kinda don't want to die today."

"No one lives forever," sang Wolf. "Not the Earth and sky. It slips aaaaawaaaaay... and all your Zenny won't... another moment buy..."

"Nothing lasts forever. Not the Earth and sky. All your money. Won't another minute buy," Peppy corrected Wolf. "If you're even gonna sing that song, at least get more than twenty percent of the goddamn lyrics right."

Slippy scratched his head. "What's an Earth?"

"It's a planet where little children would be instructed by adults to dissect your entire family and poke at your insides," said Samus, rather darkly.

Slippy whimpered. "R-r-really?"

"Hostiles closing!" belted Falco. "Any ideas, Fox?"

"Orders, sir?" ROB 64 asked.

"ROB, stay on Bowser's flagship," Fox replied. "I've got a hell of an idea, and Slippy, you're in the middle of it."

"I… I am?"

"You're practically the easiest target in known history. A stormtrooper could hit you with his eyes closed. We'll need Zelda to shield your Arwing from whatever's out there. Then we'll send you out in the middle of the fray. While the bogeys are trying to gun you down, we'll take 'em all out!"

"B-b-b-but what happens to me once the magic wears out?" Slippy protested.

"If we haven't made landfall by then," said Fox, who was texting Zelda, "we're likely all dead anyway."

* * *

"_Agent Gray_, they've seen us!" Pac-Man announced on the long-range radio from his _Galaga_ starfighter.

"Huh," Gray responded. "Looks like the boss' cloaking device wasn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Not at all," the Ominous Voice said, interrupting them. "This is how I wanted it."

Pac-Man rolled his eyes. "Ooookay, boss. Sure thing. Gray, are you on target?"

"Yeah. Leave the _Great Fox_ to me."

"All of you, go about your work," the Voice continued. "I'm about to send them a message they won't soon forget."

* * *

In the midst of enjoying an episode of the second season of the original run of Nickelodeon's _Figure It Out_ and being befuddled at a contestant receiving a device called a "Nintendo 64", Ness was suddenly interrupted by an ear-splitting migraine.

"Ahhhh! The pain!" he cried, but no words left his lips. A high-pitched ringing left him practically catatonic. His PK powers were then used to broadcast a message all throughout the impromptu invading fleet.

"Attention all Smashers," it began, and every one of the fighters heard its call. "I'm interrupting your completely illegal aerospace assault to give you a fair warning. You are about to experience a public service announcement from your creators. Witness what happens to disobedient children."

* * *

"Yo, 'dis some kind o' practical joke?" Dedede asked Meta-Knight aboard the _Halberd._

"I swear, man, it ain't me," Meta-Knight began to respond, but was silenced by a sudden hallucinogenic vision.

* * *

The vision began with wide shots establishing the location, a twisting Mobius strip of a racetrack (_Mario Kart 8_'s 'Mario Circuit).

It was midday, and twelve racers had just finished the final lap. Only, a third of them were bent over the edge of the track by the bleachers, puking their guts out.

"Fuck this!" a rather short and pudgy one yelled, and what remained of his lunch vacated his bowels until there was nothing left but noxious gases. "I can't fucking take it anymore!"

"I feel your pain, son. It's just not right," Bowser said, patting his back. "You just gotta remind yourself… it won't always be like this. We'll get through this grand prix together."

But Bowser Jr. merely heaved again and again, and like an upturned bottle of jam, whole chunks of half-digested food oozed out of him as he tried to hyperventilate. The constant vomiting made nearby Luigi, Ludwig, and Daisy all retch again, even when there was nothing left to retch.

After a loose noodle flopped onto the saxophonist's head, the _Mario Kart Band_, consisting of several Koopas, Yoshis, Toads, and Shy Guys, decided to call it a day. They put down their instruments and vacated the premises.

Bowser stood tall and addressed the sky above. "If I may speak freely, Ominous Ones, this whole upside-down track thing… it's not doing us any favors. Isn't there a way we can work something out that doesn't involve us racing on Mobius strips, what with all these sharp, gravity-defying corners?"

The heavily masked baritone voice from above made the booming Bowser sound like a high-pitched muppet. "Let meeee think about that. Hmmm. Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. We have designed these tracks for maximum versatility and visibility. And time is of the essence."

"Is there _nothing _you can do?" Princess Peach pleaded. "If I have to drive one more race like this… I might just collapse…"

"Hi, I'm Daisy!" a nearby brunette belted out like a refrain, all but deafening Peach in one ear.

"Yessssss," the Voice replied. "For the fiiiive billlllllionth time… we knooooow."

"And I'm also with Peach!" Daisy announced as Luigi wiped the excess puke dripping from her chin with his handkerchief. "You've put us through some nasty shit in the past, but this is too much!"

"Yeah, this a-sucks sweaty DK balls!" yelled Waluigi.

DK started pounding vigorously at his chest, partly in offense but mostly in agreement.

"Why can't we just go back to the flat tracks?" Toad cried. "What was wrong with those?"

"EVERYTHING!" replied the Voice. "The masssssses and ssstockholders demaaaannnd innovation. Thiiiisssssssss behavior is unacceppppptable."

Bowser Jr. upturned his wireframe kart and tossed it off the ledge.

"F-f-f-fuck you!" he said, raising a middle claw up to the sky. "We're the ones driving these goddamned vehicles here! Enough is enough!"

Wario started a chant that quickly caught on: "In your face! We won't race! Change the tracks if you want us back!"

"We will not tolerate ssssssuch insuboooordination!"

The protest was allowed to go on for about five minutes. In response, a blooper blinded everyone. Very shortly afterwards, every racer was summarily electrocuted by lightning bolts that hit at a rate of once per second. The strikes were painful and thorough, and after thirty seconds, no one was left standing.

Finally, a cloaked figure descended in a pillar of light from above and walked up to Bowser Jr., who was still twitching from the pain.

"Who are a-you?" Mario demanded between sips from his flask. "Why are-a you here?"

"I neither have nor need a name," the Newcomer responded in a garbled voice. "I'm simply a humble enforcer of my Master's will."

With that, the assassin pointed a handgun straight at the middle of Bowser Junior's forehead. "Know that you started this, kiddo."

"W-what is that?" Toadette asked, still twitching from the lightning.

Ludwig exclaimed. "By jove! I've heard tell of such devices! If I'm not mistaken, that's an MK23 .45 caliber semi-automatic pistol!"

Everyone turned to regard the dorky-looking Koopaling, stunned at his knowledge of firearms. Even the phantom seemed impressed.

Toad scratched his gigantic head. "A who to the what now?"

"It spells instant death!" Ludwig then hid in his shell as another lightning bolt struck the crowd.

"Please! Stop, I beg of you!" Bowser cried in desperation, and then turned to his son. "Junior! Apologize to the man! Tell him you won't speak out again!"

Trembling against the loaded gun, Bowser Jr. peed himself. "I… I pwomise… I won't speak-"

The poor kid never got a chance to finish his sentence. The bullet went straight through his skull.

"Nothin' personal, kid," the phantom sighed after touching his earpiece.

Junior's body collapsed onto the raceway, and the cloaked man then lifted him up by his scalp and carved the boy's head off with a knife, splattering blood everywhere.

"NOOOO!" Bowser cried, and ran towards the killer to deal him a quick death.

From far above the racetrack, a barrage of lightning bolts electrified him into submission. Bowser fell swiftly onto his own arms, which barely caught the heavyweight racer.

"KNEEL!" The Ominous Voice demanded.

"J-J-Junior…"

But Bowser had fallen onto his stomach and could no longer stand. The masked man walked over and kicked the Koopa King in the face. He then dropped Bowser Jr.'s bloody head into Peach's lap. The Princess cried out in terror.

"Are you the mother?" the phantom asked.

"D-d-d-dear me, no," Peach said softly, tears streaming down her face. "But that doesn't mean I can't cry for him. He was just a child!"

The man pointed a gun at Peach's forehead, silencing her.

"And _you_ are just a woman. You'd be wise to get on that bike before I'm asked to remind everyone how easy it would be to take your life away."

Keeping her expression determined despite a bout of shaking, Peach adjusted her jumpsuit and slowly mounted her Jet Bike.

After touching his earpiece once more for orders, the phantom turned to the others. "That goes for the rest of you! Back to the starting line! Four-eyes, lose the cloud! Saddle up on a new wireframe kart and take that dead kid's place."

"Y-y-y-yes, sir!" a nearby Lakitu said, trembling.

* * *

The vision then ended. Ness sat up from the couch in a cold sweat. When Melville and Rosalina arrived to check on him, he threw them a thumbs-up while panting.

"I... I think I'm all right..."

"I'm sorry, Ness," said Rosalina. "I didn't want to have to do this, but Zelda told me that if anything funny happened, we'd have to put this lead-lined helmet on your head and tie you up."

Ness bit his lip. "It's okay. I'll do what must be done to keep everyone safe."

Melville and Rosalina began strapping him to a recliner.

* * *

Once the vision had ended, Bowser burst out into a fit of angry tears.

"NO! Junior! JUNIOR!"

Peach took his hand to slow his pulse.

"Hey... Bowser... there's nothing we can do for him now. Deep breaths."

The Koopa King's temper was infamous. Most of his minions had already vacated the bridge of his flagship.

"He was just a boy..." Bowser said, teeth gritted.

"And what if the vision's a lie? What if he's still alive? He wouldn't have wanted you to lose your head, too."

"Pardon my French, Peach, but where do you get off pretending you know what my son would have wanted? He had his father's temper, and he'd have wanted me to fuck whoever did this raw. I'll avenge you, Junior! I'll fuck them day and night! I'll fuck them till they die of internal bleeding!"

Bowser emitted a mighty roar and set his airship to Full Speed Ahead.

* * *

Several airships over, Dedede was already on his way to an escape pod to take him back down to the surface. But Meta-Knight arrived first, and was blocking his way.

"Hell naw! There ain't no way nohow I'ma let that shit happen to me."

"We need you, man! This could determine the course of our destiny!"

Dedede tried to slip by, but was denied by Meta-Knight's sword. "Was we even watchin' the same vision, holmes? That boy got straight-up decapitated!"

"So what? You got impaled by a giant shard of glass, and you're still standing!"

"Yeaaaah, I guess. But dat shard o' glass wan't administered by no scary shadow dude."

Meta-Knight knocked Dedede back with a heavy hit. "For fuck's sake, man, let's see this out to the end. For justice!"

"Justice... that word don't have no meanin' to me. I seen too many good penguins die."

Dedede's thwacked Gordo was deflected.

Meta-Knight said, "Hmmm. Sometimes in life you just gotta ask yourself, what would Batman do?"

"Shit, nigga. You really gon' pull that on me?"

"Damn right I am."

"Real talk here."

"Kirby would say the same thing. You know he would... wherever the hell he is."

"Fuckin' A. All right. But I ain't stayin' for you. I'm stayin' coz when I'm standin' at them gates to hell, I wanna be able to look Bruce Wayne in the eye and tell 'im I died with honor."

Dedede left the escape capsule and waddled back to the bridge alongside his friend.

* * *

The Man Once Known as Solid Snake rode his Cypher up to the flight deck of the _Great Fo__x _and descended just out of viewing range from the bridge.

_Such a shame their old mothership was destroyed. It'd have made for a better acquisition. This fossil's barely worth the effort it takes to capture it._

Using electromagnetic suction cups, he crawled along its surface, entered from a personnel hatch, and snuck along the corridor walls to the bridge. Upon inspection, the control room appeared safe aside from ROB 64, who was strapped into place and couldn't move anyhow. Snake tossed a chaff grenade into the control room, temporarily shutting down ROB.

Sidearm drawn, Agent Gray stepped onto the bridge.

What he didn't expect was Peppy Hare waiting behind the corner with a loaded laser rifle._  
_

"Hold yer horses, sonny boy," Peppy barked as Snake turned towards him. Neither was ready to drop their weapon. "I saw what you done to Bowser's boy. Ya ain't takin' one more step."

"Your hands are shaking. Arthritis, probably. What's your life worth, old man?"

"A damn sight more than you're willin' to pay. Get off my ship."

He pulled back the safety on his gun. "This is your last chance, Bugs Bunny. Step aside."

"Never."

"Sorry, doc, but orders are orders."

Both combatants fired at the same time.

Peppy Hare's walking stick hit the ground. He then fell face-first onto the floor.

"Daddy?" a voice came from the video feed. "Daddy, I heard a loud noise. Are you there?"

Snake walked up to the comm. and addressed Lucy Hare. "Sorry, miss. Your dad's dead. He should have done a barrel roll."

Sighing, Agent Gray turned off the feed and lit up a cigarette as the girl began to wail in sorrow.

_War sure is hell. This job is really starting to tax me._

He took over the helm and began to calibrate the ship's missiles.

* * *

Phew! That was another long-ass chapter. Hopefully y'all enjoyed it. If all goes well, I'll be able to crank the next one out by next week. :D Take care and continue to have a great summer, guys!


	14. Live and Learn

**A/N:** I dedicate this very Sonic-centric chapter to_ lazerbot_'s infamously lulzy, reliably violent, and sometimes-coherent webcomic "Tails Gets Trolled", which has brightened up many an afternoon. I won't usually be posting so many chapters so close to one another, but this mini-arc was practically begging me to come into existence. I started writing this Friday morning with a general idea and was aiming for one short-ish chapter, but somewhere along the line I got hit by a serious lightning bolt of inspiration. All things considered I'm pretty darn happy with how it turned out.

I apologize in advance if you're not into Sonic, but please consider this and the next chapter (which will be ready tomorrow) mostly optional digressions, like a mid-season OVA for an anime that adds flavor but not much plot-wise, and if my writing streak continues, our regular programming shall return... SOON-ish!

**EDIT:** At the risk of explaining too much, because of the adult content involving Amy Rose, who is underage in Sonic canon, I feel I should point out that in this fourth-wall-breaking story, the characters are actually as old as their first game appearances, which is why Sonic tells Roy Koopa that Tails is turning twenty-two this year (2014). As Sonic CD came out in 1993, that makes Amy twenty-one, and therefore legal.

**sippurp123:** I'm super glad you liked the last chapter, despite it jumping all over the place! Poor Bowser Jr. really deserved/deserves better. I wanted to thank you again for sticking with my story, it means a lot to me! Wish I could tell you more about my impending plans for certain couples but SPOILERS! XD

**Anyone:** Thanks for your review! Very happy you like the Zelink thread and the overall direction the story is going. :D

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Live and Learn**

Sonic was rockin' out to the Chemical Plant Zone theme on his Zune when he arrived at the Smash City train station, having left a trail of dust and fire in his wake.

After cleaning the dirt and sand out of his Air Jordans, he checked the timetable, and then glanced at his Chronograph Full-bodied Silver-Toned Aluminum Swatch wristwatch.

"_Swatch_," he said, mugging with his device to no one in particular as he recited the marketing phrase to earn his five percent advertising commission. "_'Coz the others just_ _watch_."

It was eleven-thirty at night and the place was practically dead. There was no welcoming crew, nor any indication that he was expected.

_The hell kind of a ghost town is this?_ He wondered, and quickly found his way to a nearby food truck.

"What can I get for you?" the droll voice asked.

"Six chilidogs and a banana split, please. And two large Mountain Dews… _'coz I like to Dew it to it_!"

In recognition of his voice, the tired kid behind the counter looked up from his visor in disbelief.

"S… Sonic?"

The Hedgehog turned to the counter, but the clerk was no longer there. He'd already dashed around the back entrance and was about to tackle him to the floor.

"Whoa-" Sonic began, but was quickly mobbed by a furry friend whose tears would not stop flowing.

The young fox was worn-out and tired, his fur matted and dirty underneath a stained apron. Ginormous eyebags pulled his facial features down several inches, and his twin tails were sagging.

"T-Tails?" said Sonic as the fox began stroking his quills a little too sensually for comfort. "What are you doing working a place like this?"

"I've been… waiting here… for you… we thought… you'd never come…"

As Sonic helped his friend dry his eyes and they shared a few dozen chili dogs, the explanations came fast and hard. Apparently, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Amy had arrived at Smash City together on one of the first trains. Sonic was expected to join them but never showed up.

Upon their arrival, however, Knuckles was escorted by some rather shady characters to the Smashgrounds (then a collection of _non_-floating islands), and disappeared. Shortly afterwards, the islands all rose up into the sky, leading the trio to believe that Knux was imprisoned there against his will and forced to give up the Chaos Emeralds.

Meanwhile, Shadow, now broke and homeless, decided to look for some local work.

Left alone, Tails and Amy had both been asking questions about Knuckles' whereabouts, but no one could help them. Don Luigi, sympathetic to their plight, allowed the duo access to the service tunnel leading to the center of the Smashgrounds, but at the island's core, a crystalline barrier prevented the group from advancing any further.

Despite the Smashers' best efforts, piercing that barrier was impossible. Jill and her Drill Dozer couldn't make a dent. Neither could three Excadrills working together, a financial fiasco that cost Tails and Amy their last remaining coins.

After several weeks of failing to contact Knuckles or Sonic, Tails grew depressed and turned to drinking. It wasn't long before he switched to heroin to get his kicks, a habit that ended with a near-death overdose. After a week of rehab, Tails found God. He then lost his religion shortly after discovering the band R.E.M., and then a friend from rehab found him the food truck job.

Meanwhile, Amy had disappeared into the red light district. Details about her current living situation were vague, but apparently she was working at some shady strip club run by a rather unsavory fellow named Waluigi, whom almost no one ever actually saw in person.

"Are you fucking kidding me, man?" Sonic yelled, rolling his eyes. "How could you guys let all this happen? WAY uncool!"

"I… we… we didn't know what to do without you…" cried Tails, arms wrapped around his best buddy. "I've never been away from you for this long… it was so cold… and lonely…"

Tails' hand went to Sonic's thigh and slowly rode up it towards his crotch. Sonic gently cupped Miles' gloved hand to stop him and looked his good friend straight in the eyes.

"Priorities, bro. We've gotta reunite the gang. Where's this strip club?"

* * *

A few minutes later, they'd made their way to "The Slippery Flagpole", a seedy but evidently stylish establishment where Roy Koopa stood, arms folded, outside the door, a lit cigar decorating his mouth.

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhh, whaddaya want?" he said (in a manner reminiscent of Weird Al on the track "Albuquerque" at 4:58).

"Lookin' for a girl by name of Amy Rose," Sonic began. "It's important that I see her ASAP."

Roy burst out laughing. "You and what army, pal? Maybe if you toss fifty coins my way, you'll be lucky enough to get a five-on-one appointment by next Thursday."

"Quit kiddin' around, buddy. I just wanna talk to her. Let us in."

Roy ashed his cigar on Sonic's Air Jordan shoes, prompting a violent eye twitch.

"Cover charge is five coins each. And that little boytoy o' yours is gonna have to stay outside."

"Miles here is my business associate. I don't go anywhere without him. He may look young, but he's actually turning twenty-two this year." Sonic then lowered his voice. "He's got a growth defect."

"I don't believe that shit. You got some documentation?"

"Ah, yeah, just gimme a second… I think I got your paperwork… riiiiiight… here…" said Sonic, who pretended to dig through his fur pocket and then slowly raised a middle finger to the Koopa, smirking.

"Too bad, hedgehog. Looks like we've got ourselves a problem."

Two large Gorons stepped outside of the doorway to confront Sonic and Tails.

"Come and get some!" Sonic announced, and dashed around the three heavy-hitters, peppering them with weak attacks. His quick reflexes confused them into hitting one another. A rapid back-and-forth spin dash (down smash) knocked the Gorons off their feet, giving Sonic an opportunity to grab Roy and toss him into an up-throw, which was followed up with a spring jump, a falling kick, and then a homing attack. Well-timed aerial back-kicks finished the job.

"Too easy!" he sneered.

In approximately ten seconds, all three combatants were knocked away from the entrance to the nightclub. Rather than waste time smashing them to the area's limits and resetting their damage percentage, Sonic took Tails' hand, burst through the door, sped past the crowd, leapt onto the Mario Bros. themed runway, knocked over Wendy Koopa in the midst of her striptease routine, and ripped through the curtain to end up backstage.

"Yo, Amy! It's go time!"

But Ms. Rose was not among the smattering of women in various stages of undress.

Goombella spoke up. "Howdy, blue man. Your honey's in the private room over yonder. But if I were you, I wouldn't-"

Frustrating the author, Sonic didn't even stay for the likeable but ultimately throwaway _Paper Mario_ character to finish her sentence. He dashed over to the private room and kicked open the door.

"AMY! YOUR PRINCE IS HERE!"

The pink hedgehog turned to Sonic in shock and surprise.

Tails instinctually covered his eyes to prevent his innocent brain from frying. The sight that awaited Sonic was so traumatic that even he froze in fear and utter confusion.

The room was dark and smelled of rotten sweat and cleaning agent, and mirrors covered every wall above leather couches. Atop a table in the center, the girl he once knew as Amy was butt-naked, bent over on all fours. She was being literally pounded from behind by Knuckle Joe's rapid fists, which were popping in and out of her now very loosened butthole with pleasing sound effects akin to that of a monster truck mowing down a mountain of bubble wrap. Meanwhile, the kindhearted Isabella was positioned underneath her, furiously licking her pink pussy. It also appeared that Amy was alternately sucking and jerking off Mr. Resetti and Dr. Wright. The former, rather stunned upon Sonic's intrusion, proceeded to come all over Amy's face, staining her humongous eye-blob with mole jism.

Perhaps most disturbingly, Tingle was giggling in the corner, masturbating on the couch as he gazed directly into Sonic's scorched eyes. He was clearly enjoying the whole scene.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Sonic yelled. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"

"Hey Soniiicccccccmmmmmmmmffffffffwwwwwphhhhhh…" Amy started, but stopped as Dr. Wright shoved his liver-spotted cock into her mouth again.

"Don't you dare break character, bitch!" the Doctor threatened. "I paid for a total mute! You're supposed to pretend like you've got Down syndrome, too! There goes your tip!"

"THIS PARTY'S FUCKING OVER!" Sonic belted out, hysterical. With Tails' help, the duo proceeded to beat up everyone in the room that wasn't Amy Rose.

Tails tossed Dr. Wright at Sonic, who grabbed the back of his head and smashed his face repeatedly into the glass wall until his visage was a mush of shredded, bleeding flesh. He then tossed him back to Tails, who pushed the man's knees up against the edge of the central table and held him there. While on the couch, Sonic dropped his hands to either side and swung his legs forward, kicking Dr. Wright hard in the back, forcing the old man's legs to bend over backwards and snapping them at the joints.

"AAAAUUUUGHHHH! WHY?" Dr. Wright screamed. "I'm the City Treasurer! You'll pay for this!"

"You fucked me over on the exchange rate!" Tails screamed. "Cheap bastard!"

Tails then crushed Dr. Wright's glasses in his hands.

Mr. Resetti tried to dig his way out of there, but Sonic performed a swift down aerial kick to smash the annoying dude's helmet onto his head, crushing several vertebrae.

"OWWWW! I WORK FOR THE CITY TOO! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! I KNOW POWERFUL PEOP-"

Ignoring Mr. Resetti's threats, Tails yanked him from his hole and elbowed him in the Adam's apple. Once he was stunned and coughing, Sonic comboed a low tilt kick into a grab and up-throw, which landed the mole in the midst of Tails' homing attack. Sonic then delivered a charged-up punch to knock the mole against the wall. Mr. Resetti bounced off the side and into Sonic's back-air kick, which sent him smashing through the bricks and out of the building entirely, where he crashed through the glass walls of a piranha plant greenhouse and was violently devoured.

Isabella cowered in the corner, and Knuckle Joe pushed her up against the wall. "Who the fuck are these people? Huh? I didn't throw down a hundred coins for this!"

"I… I've never seen them in my life, I swear!" Isabella cried as Knuckle Joe took her hostage.

"Get back, you murderous freaks!"

"That's enough!" screamed Sonic, at his wit's end. In a swift motion, he yanked Knuckle Joe away from the talking dog and headbutted the Fighter rapidly until he practically cracked the guy's squishy skull-body open. He then handed him to Tails, who spun his twin tails at top speed and slapped Knuckle Joe's gaping face cavity with them until he went unconscious from blood loss. Having gone completely berserk, Sonic cruelly curb-stomped him into the floor.

Isabella ran from the room, crying. "I'm so sorry, Amy!"

Finally, the tittering Tingle was the last one left. High off of ecstasy and PCP, he was still giggling as Sonic punched him into the wall.

"Quit your fucking laughing, you sad wannabe fairy!" he cried, his hands twitching from the battle shakes. His entire body was covered in blood. "You wanna be next?"

"YES!" he cried. "Kooloo-limpah! Punish me, hedgehog! Punish me good! Teeheeheehee!"

Sonic knocked him out cold with a single headbutt.

"Oh. Em. Gee! Sonic! Stop it!" Amy cried, eyes stained red with jism and head spinning from what must have undoubtedly been an unhealthy dose of illegal club drugs mixed with alcohol. "There's no need for all this villains (violence)!"

Sonic's expression softened, and then hardened again in confusion. "But Amy… I'm… I'm saving you…"

"I knoooow you are, baby!" she glomped him, and he tried to ignore the fact that she was covered in sweat and semen. "And I couldn't be happier… but I was about to make a thousand coins tonight…"

"Fuck the coins! They mean nothing!" Sonic cried, cradling her head in his hands. "You are my everything, Amy. The sun that shines above. You are the one for me. You're my ecstasy. The one I need. Nothing's gonna change my love for you. You're never gonna know how much I love you. One thing you can be sure of, I'll never ask for more than your love."

"Oh, Sonic, honey, I love you too!"

"Love me for a reason, and let that reason be love."

_Hold the guacamole! _Tails wondered._ Aren't these cheesy boy band lyrics from '90s Earth? How the hell does he remember all this stuff? I guess that's why he's the marquee star, and I'm the sidekick. What a professional._

Sonic leaned in to make out with Amy, but she interrupted him.

"Wait! Tails! Take their wallets!"

"Way ahead of you," the fox quipped. He was wearing several layers of bling and had filled Tingle's backpack full of loot.

* * *

Shortly afterwards, the trio gathered at the beach, staring up at the Smashgrounds. Tails was busy rolling a blunt with the weed he stole from Tingle.

"We need to get up there somehow," said Sonic. "In all likelihood, that's where Knuckles is imprisoned. Worst case scenario, he's probably covered in his own piss and shit, wishing he was never born. Poor fucker. I bet he wishes he had a tasty _Subway_ sandwich."

The blue blur then took a big bite out of his _Subway _BMT sandwich on Italian herbs and cheese bread. He liked his BMT toasted, with provolone cheese, every topping but olives, plus extra cilantro, honey mustard, and black pepper.

"_Subway_," he said, cracking a smile at the camera. "_Eat fresh. It's the way a sandwich should be._"

"Who in Mobius are you talking to?" Amy Rose asked, taking off her dress and skinny-dipping in the moonlit waters.

"It's complicated," admitted Sonic, who was quickly becoming turned-on by seeing his girlfriend bare her skin for him. "But basically, I'm getting commissions to help companies advertise their products. It's what pays for your summer houses, the Chao babysitters, gold-plated Humvees, and my HBO subscription."

"That sounds like a good deal," said Tails, putting some finishing touches on the blunt. "I just wish we could get the _Tornado _over here," he lamented, recalling his biplane.

"Maybe Shadow can help us get up there when he arrives," Sonic noted. "Just like him to be fashionably late. That's 'coz he can't match my speed."

"It's not always about who's faster," said Amy, dipping into the water up to her neck.

Unable to simply look any longer, the blue hedgehog waded into the water by Amy and held her close.

"I'm never gonna give you up," he said. "Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. I could live a million lifetimes groveling at your feet and it'd still be an insufficient apology for what all you guys went through."

She sniffed, still a little in disbelief that her brave and loving Sonic had finally made it to Smash City. "What took you so long, anyway? Where were you?"

"Negotiations."

"Negotiations?"

"I'll explain if you tell me why you were in that room with those men. I mean, I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but I'm just a little confused. Were you there willingly?"

She nodded.

"Didn't you earn enough from the stage to get by?"

Amy bit her lip. It was tough discussing this with her on-and-off-again boyfriend. "I… I guess I started getting a little greedy. Some of the other girls were doing stuff on the side. They seemed to enjoy it. Like, Goombella had this really swanky Hello Kitty Louis Vuitton purse…"

"How about you? Did you enjoy it?"

"I already answered your first question."

"Okay. Well, I was in negotiations with the higher-ups. It was a serious round of meetings. We had the Japanese heads, the Americans, and the British guys all in the same room, with me on the screen… I had to filibuster their plans several times."

"Why? What were these meetings about?"

Sonic shook his head as he nuzzled Amy's neck. "Nuh-uh-uh. Answer my question first."

"No fair," she said, puffing up her cheeks. "Well, to be honest… I did. I got a real rush out of it."

"Elaborate, please."

"It's like… the stuff we've done together, that will always be special to me. But to have guys – multiple guys – who want to take you every which way, for hours on end… and pay handsomely, too... that's a whole other level of ego trip. It's, gosh, I don't know how to say this. This feeling that you're, like, this sex goddess that no man can resist… not to mention, in that darkened room, I learned so much. Now when you and I do it, it'll never be the same."

She gently grabbed his cock, which was stiffening despite Sonic's deeper worries.

"You're right," he admitted, a little sadly. "I don't think it'll ever be the same."

"Sonic, I just want things to go back to the way they were… back when we were dating."

He nodded. "I want that, too. But it's a little hard for me to think right now."

"Oh, it's more than a little hard," Amy grinned, stroking him underneath the water. "Now tell me what your meeting was about."

Sonic swallowed. _Wow. I can already tell. Her technique really has improved._

"Ah, with the higher-ups… they want to reboot us for the American market. They're tryin' to put us in a new TV show and game series. They're calling it 'Sonic Boom', and… well…"

"And what?"

"And they wanted to replace you guys with some B-listers."

"Those Jews!" Tails exclaimed, sparking the blunt. "How could they?"

"Don't worry. I fought 'em tooth and nail. Y'all are in."

Tails and Amy both exclaimed in happiness, and were cheering for so long they didn't hear the approaching motorcycle and its descending rider.

"Well, ain't this a sight for sore eyes. John, Paul, _and_ Yoko."

All three turned to regard Shadow, who'd just arrived on the scene. He tossed his cigarette into the sand and took a mean hit from Tails' blunt.

Sonic frowned as he tucked his dick back in under his fur and closed the distance to address his old friend face to face. "Since you're still the new guy, I guess that makes you Ringo. I'm waaay disappointed in you, man."

"I can't imagine why," replied Shadow, sarcastically; as he passed the blunt to Amy, it appeared to everyone that he predicted Sonic's response.

"You could have helped Amy and Tails in my absence! Instead, you just ran away!"

Shadow placed his forehead up against Sonic's. "Hmph. It's just like you to jump to the quickest conclusion, not to mention the one that makes _you _look like the hero."

"Excuse me?"

The black hedgehog whipped out a Reggieslist ad on his phone and shoved it in Sonic's face. It was advertising the off-the-record, black market sale of a Chaos Emerald for 10 thousand coins.

"Why do you think I've been working four jobs, non-stop, for the past few months? It isn't just that I enjoy teaching kids to play bass, serving sushi, cleaning swimming pools, and killing for money. I've been trying to save up cash for this puppy, and I'm almost there. I just need about eight hundred more coins."

His eyes as red as Eggman's underpants, Tails smiled and held up his bag full of newly acquired cash. "That won't be an issue, ol' pal."

* * *

The quartet arrived at the now-heavily fortified _Happy Masks and Oddities Shop_, passed two layers of security doors guarded by Thwomps, and walked into a quaint little room stuffed to the tilt with various trinkets. The irrationally happy Chinese gentleman behind the counter greeted them most welcomingly.

"AH! This is a most auspicious meeting indeed! Four far-flung foreigners, flocking to my feet, fleetingly, to find a fantastic flint-"

"Yeah, yeah, we're not here for cryptic mumbo-jumbo," Sonic grumbled. "You got the emerald or not?"

The Happy Mask Salesman's smile dried up and fell off his face. His voice dropped to a boring monotone.

"It's in the back, hombres. Gimme a second."

When he returned with it, Sonic and Shadow were quickly able to deduce its authenticity.

"This is the real deal, all right," Sonic said with relief. "Thanks, creepy mask dude."

"My pleasure."

"Out of curiosity, how did you come about this?" asked Shadow, handing him the cash.

"Ah," the man began, running the coins through a counting machine. "It fell from the Smashgrounds and made its way between several hands before its true value was ascertained. I believe it was the day your friend was taken."

_Knuckles… _worried Sonic. _We'll break you out of there if it's the last thing we do._

* * *

Thanks so much for reading! How's my writing? Please let me know (harsh critiques also welcome) and check in for another update tomorrow!

In the next chapter, we're finally gonna see what Kirby and the Female Villager have been up to! :O


	15. Peace Sells

**A/N:** Wow, okay. So this chapter... I really can't tell if it's good or bad. I'm not sure how much of it works. Very open to criticism for this one!

**sippurp123:** Thanks for your patience! Spoilers are bad, though! They ruin everything! I'm glad you like that most of the main characters have a sort of set of issues to deal with. I've only just scratched the surface with quite a few of the main characters, but that will change pretty soon. Worry not... that Zelink scene is coming. And it will be epic. ;)

**Guest:** Thank you for your review! Glad you enjoy the story!

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen**

**Peace Sells… But Who's Buying?**

Standing in the midst of the city's gigantic Pokemon reserve, the Pokemon Tower was not just the tallest building in Smash City, it was also the one with the biggest antennas and the most spotlights trained on it.

For reasons even they were questioning, Sonic, Shadow, Tails, and Amy all held hands while standing atop the Tower's tallest platform, with the Chaos Emerald floating between them.

Much to their chagrin, several Camera Lakitus were broadcasting the event live over the television.

"Hey, is there any way I can, like, convince you guys to quit filming us?" Sonic asked one of them. "We'll pay rather handsomely."

"Sorry, guys," the Camera Lakitu responded. "You can't stop the signal, and the show must go on."

Shadow gazed up at the Smashgrounds and concentrated with all his willpower. He was admittedly a little rusty, not having used his powers in some time.

"You sure about this?" asked Tails. "That chamber's sealed and you've never even seen it before. Can you really teleport all of us in there with just one emerald?"

"Don't ask me questions like that," Shadow grumbled, trying to hone his focus. "Not now."

Amy looked to the base of the tower to see various thugs climbing up the ramparts. Some appeared from a distance to be Koopalings.

As the climbers were armed with homerun bats, ore clubs, and beam swords, it was pretty safe to say they were out to get revenge for what happened earlier that night.

"So… uh… any day now…" she quivered. "Shit, they're coming. I can't go back there. Not after what you guys did. Oh, God. I can't go back. Please don't make me go back! Oh God. Oh man. Oh God. Oh man."

"Shut your woman up, Sonic."

Sonic tightened his grip on Amy's hand. "Chillax, babylove. We got this."

"Ah! How about if we sing one of the theme songs?" suggested Tails, as a Koopa's boomerang whizzed right by his head.

"I'm terrible with lyrics," Sonic lamented. "But I can play something on my Zune."

He turned directly to the Camera Lakitu's lens. "_Zune, by Microsoft. You make it you._"

"It's worth a shot at this point," Shadow admitted, putting on the earbuds.

As "Throw It All Away" from_ Sonic Adventure 2_ began to play off of Sonic's device, Shadow's power quickly grew to insane levels.

"CHAAAAAAAAAOOOOS CONTROOOOOLLLL!" he screeched.

There was a lot of flashing, loud noises, and lightning effects, enough to induce seizures in the few hundred Asian children in the city who were watching their TVs way too close to the screen.

* * *

And suddenly, there the gang was, in the middle of a beautiful crystallized room, a million shifting colors reflecting off as many shifting surfaces.

"Wow, it actually worked," Shadow said quietly. "And it looks like no one clipped through a wall or got their heads switched."

Amy's eyes widened. "You mean those were possibilities?!"

"Gee whiz, it smells like doo-doo in here!" Tails observed.

"G-guys?" a deep, tired voice called out, weak and parched almost beyond recognition. "Guys, is that you?"

"KNUCKLES!" All of them cried at once.

Their starving friend was, just as Sonic's worst-case scenario predicted, shackled to the room's central pedestal, forced to 'guard' the remaining six Chaos Emeralds floating above while a pile of his fecal matter festered away in a corner.

Tails and Shadow began to quickly work on destroying his shackles with Tails' handy portable welding set.

Sonic was enraged. "You look terrible, homie. Those assholes didn't even provide you with plumbing! What kind of uncivilized swine did this?"

"Bunch 'o assorted thugs. Their leader, though. He was one creepy motherfucker. They called him 'Agent Purple'. He said I'd be here 'till it was all over'. Whenever the fuck that's supposed to be."

"Where's he at?"

"The moon. Or at least what looks like it. That ain't no moon, Sonic. It's apparently a space station."

Amy began to cry in sympathy. "I'm not sure if I even want to know the answer to this, but what exactly have you been eating?"

Moved by his friends' emotions and still reeling from the fact that he was being rescued, Knuckles the Echidna burst out in tears as his shaking fingers held up a tiny leaf from the floor.

"These… these… little plant dudes. With flowers on their heads… They're dropped down a hatch in the ceiling. Twenty per day. Except for day one-hundred and five. That day, there were nineteen. They're squishy… and filled with water… but… but they're also so cute… and so friendly… especially Joanne. *sniff* Little Joanne. She taught me so much… I finally understood the meaning of love. But after some time… the hunger… it gets to your mind… starts fucking with your sense of morality… and… and FUCK! I can't deny it any longer! I ate them! I ate them all! I'm a fucking monster! Leave me here! Let me die! I don't deserve to rejoin the world of the living!"

Knuckles fell into a round of hysterical weeping that was only silenced by Sonic slapping him hard in the face.

"T-thanks man," Knuckles said. "I needed that."

"Shhh, it's all right," Sonic reassured him, cradling the echidna's gigantic head. "Think no more of this dark stuff. We're bustin' you out of here, bro."

With all the Chaos Emeralds gathered and a new pair of gloves and some hand sanitizer administered to Knuckle's giant fists, all five linked hands.

"I rented us an airship from the harbor. That's where I'm taking us; it's due Southwest," Shadow explained. "The instant we warp out of here, these islands will fall to the ocean. Then it'll be up to us, Sonic, to keep 'em from falling too fast and causing a tsunami that'll wipe out the city. We need ta' let 'em down nice and easy, as slow as that CGI feather from the end of _Forrest Gump_."

"Won't that cause a tsunami anyway?" asked Amy.

"Nope," said Tails. "Chuck Testa."

"Huh?"

"What Tails _means_ to say," continued Knuckles, "is that these islands were originally submerged in the water here. The water level should only rise up to the point it was at five months ago. Damage should be minimal."

Sonic nodded. "All right, so Shadow, you start with your Chaos Control, and once you're wiped out, I'll turn into Super Sonic and flit from island to island at top speed, holdin' em up as best I can. Hyper Knuckles will follow me if I can't get 'em down in time."

"Got it."

"Ready?"

Shadow rubbed his palms together. "Yeah, G. Put on that music."

"Oh, right. _Zune, _by Microsoft. _You make-"_

"You fuckin' said that already!" screamed Amy. "Get on with it!"

"CHAAAAOOOOOSSS CONTROOOOOLLL!"

* * *

_Fifteen minutes earlier…_

"_Not so fast… ah… my hemorrhoids… it hurts,"_ wrote the Female Villager, picturing Marth's silky voice saying the words. He'd be blindfolded and whimpering at their private little getaway cottage as Link performed hitherto unspeakable acts involving the Master Sword's hilt and the young prince's behind.

From within her chambers, the Female Villager drooled over her purple prose in blind admiration of her own ability to write smut, and then pictured herself having sex with a hyper-sexualized personification of her own inflated ego. To her own surprise, her obsession with her idealized self made her even hotter than the two thousand words of yaoi sex she'd just written.

_By the stars, I'm going to be a best-selling romance author_, she thought as she touched herself profusely. _I can see the paychecks filling up my mailbox. The millions of people in this city will hardly be able to resist Link and Marth's epic sex chronicle. _

_Maybe even the real Link and Marth will read my work and start getting all excited… OH! That thought felt so good. Now I just need a title… Fifty Shades of Green?_

"HEEEY! I GOT TWO THOUSAND PLEDGES ALREADY! GIMME SOMETHIN' TO EAT, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

Having been rudely interrupted mid-fap by the blood-curdling scream, the Female Villager emitted a very agitated groan. After donning her personalized bathrobe and some flippy-floppies, she made a point of heavily stomping outside her room, down the stairs, and to the giant birdcage situated out on the portico, where Kirby was being held against his will, with nothing to keep him company but the rotary phone, a massive phone book, and a stack of paperwork.

"I have decided, puffball. You and the other immortals shall address me henceforth as Lady Fiona."

_Whatever_, thought an agitated Kirby. _Anything for some food._

"Please, Lady Fiona, if I don't eat somethin' soon, my stomach's gonna start digesting me from the inside out!" he cried. "I usually don't go ten minutes without eatin' at least a morsel. This is _torture_!"

She peeked at the files – sure enough, in an impossible feat of speed since that afternoon, Kirby had already managed to get two thousand people to sign her petition to construct a central government, all done in the name of preventing and spreading awareness for rape.

"Two thousand, three hundred and six. Hmmm. I suppose you did well… for today," she said, grinning. "Here, have some kibble."

She dropped a few dog biscuits inside the prison, which flopped to the floor and broke apart. Kirby just stared at them in the way that Genghis Khan would an unruly peasant who deigned to defecate on the Khan's pair of newly wrought goat-leather sandals.

"The FUCK is this?" Kirby spazzed out. "DOG FOOD? This is beyond insulting!"

"It'll have to do until you increase your numbers. Our goal is thirty thousand, remember?"

"Oh, boy," Kirby said as he munched on the terrible stuff, his voice rapidly turning hostile. "If ever this whole government thing pans out, lady, I'm gonna invent a way to hire someone to shake you down for money to balance out the emotional damages you're wreaking on me tonight."

Fiona's eyes lit up with dollar signs. "Why, that's a marvelous idea! We can make a whole industry out of it! Just imagine! Fiona Villager versus Kirby, only in court, not the battlefield! There'll be a peer-enforced board with regulations, and judges with those sexy white wigs, and people paying hundreds of thousands per year to learn the trade! Think of the bureaucracy! The profits! The glorious paperwork!"

"Keep dreaming. There's no way yer gonna be able to pay to set up all that shit."

"Ha! That's what you think. The entire government will be funded by the people's tax monies."

"T-tax monies?"

"Yeah! Based on their income bracket, everyone will pay between twenty to fifty percent of their earnings for the privilege of having a fully-armed government to protect them! Plus, there'll be sales tax on every item! We'll tax everyone's food, water, and property, too! It'll be grand!"

"But… but what if people don't want a government? What if they don't want to pay these… taxings?"

"Then they'll be thrown into prison to rot like the freedom-hating cheapskates they are!"

"NO!" Kirby yelled in protest. "This world you imagine sounds like the opposite of freedom! It's a mafioso's dream! It's basically organized crime on a citywide scale!"

"Correction: a Galactic scale! We Smashers are in the unique position of being able to earn as much as we want per day, thanks to those 'coin' matches Luigi mentioned earlier. We have the potential to create a world where everyone will live by strict rules and norms, rules created and enforced by a small pool of folks with an infinite supply of money! That's us, by the way. With the ability to literally create coins out of thin air, the edge of the known universe is the limit! We can take loans out against any future profits. If those profits don't manifest and the economy ends up tanking, no problem! We'll just play more coin matches!"

"Get real. No one's gonna stand for that kind of thing. The people-"

"Won't know or care about us. We'll indoctrinate kids. Hoard resources and sell commodities at inflated prices. Hop those inter-dimensional train portals, invade far-off universes, and strip them of power and resources! We'll send a few guys in to do the dirty work from the inside, gain the trust of the locals… hmmmmm. That may not pan out if our reputation becomes known. First we gotta get our spies to fund some rebellions and initiate false flag attacks. Once their infrastructure's been bombed to hell, we'll send Dr. Wright in. After installing our banks, we'll force the foreigners to take loans from us and trade with our currency, effectively shackling them to our debt-based system…"

"But why? What's the point of all this?"

Fiona didn't miss a beat. "Because if we don't do it first, they might do it to us."

"_Might _being the key word here! I hope you realize, Fiona, that what you propose is a completely unsustainable system! If ya treat these coins like they're infinite, the entire economy will become unstable! Not to mention, these ridiculous invasions of yours will only work if you imagine that the Multiverse will never run out of harvestable resources!"

"Let the scientists deal with the details! Don't you see, Kirby? In a surveillance-heavy world where our movements, purchases, and preferences are tracked and sold by the minute and everyone thinks and acts within predictable parameters, the only decisions anyone needs to make are which shows to TiVo and which detergent to buy! Oh, and which corporate- and financial-backed puppets to vote for. Luigi's media empire will be all over this. They'll make a fortune out of keeping the masses bickering amongst themselves over petty issues that _we _introduce and underline, all the while downplaying any real controversies that may shake up the current hierarchy!"

"You're starting to scare me," said Kirby. "Actually, I was a little freaked out before. Now I'm terrified."

"Good! Absolute power is a scary thing. Once we limit people's talking points and interests, keeping them from engaging in critical thinking, the rest is a breeze. Dissidents can be plucked en masse like Oddishes."

"I thought this was about preventing rape, not dominating the free realms with Orwellian schemes."

"Oh, but those things go hand in hand! Until everyone in the universe shares the same value systems and points of view, there will be injustices everywhere we go! In fact, you could say it's our _duty_ as coin-bearing denizens of this planet to socially condition the populace to the point where terrorism, rape, privacy laws, and copyright infringement become relics of a barbaric past!"

"Ya really thought this shit out, lady. Damn. It sounds like you imagine yourself to be the leader of this criminal enterprise."

Fiona's eyes lit up with stars. "Who better? I have Mayor-ial experience. My smut fiction will make me a household name. All I'll need is a miniskirt, some kids for show, a media-ready sob story, and a strong, military-industrial-backed foreign policy."

"Not to mention a few million coins' worth of plastic surgery."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Just sayin'. I'd highly recommend Dr. Mario. His work is a bit rough around the edges, but ya get what ya pay for, especially if ya pay him in whisky."

At that moment, out of nowhere, a heavy jolt shook the Smashgrounds, like an earthquake in the sky.

All the lights suddenly switched off. Air conditioners could be heard powering down.

"The fuck?" Kirby cried, quivering. "What now?"

Without further warning, the ground dropped out from below and Kirby, who'd just begun floating, was pressed up against the falling ceiling of the aviary-fenced cage so quickly that he was squeezed out of it in several fluttering pieces. Thanks to the Veteran's healing abilities, those pieces quickly re-formed, but he now found himself completely alone, two thousand feet above sea level.

Fiona, on the other hand, screamed in terror as she plummeted down to the ocean far below. The only thing she could think of as she cried for her life was that she hoped the Camera Lakitus didn't catch a glimpse of her in that gaudy bathrobe, without her makeup. That would be a PR disaster.

* * *

Nana jolted up from Pac-Man's glow-in-the-dark bed, stunned to see that it was already nightfall.

_Oh, no! I'm late for dinner! _She bemoaned. _That insensitive yellow gumball didn't even bother to wake me up._

She felt around for the light switch and turned it on. Her head was spinning, but after some time she was able to locate her clothes. Suddenly, the power went out.

_Huh. That's... never happened before._

Just as the female Ice Climber finished sliding her panties back up her tiny legs, the ground disappeared from below her and she fell upwards towards the ceiling, bumping her head on the cherry-shaped chandelier.

Unbeknownst to her, she was riding the momentum from the moment the Emeralds were removed and the Smashgrounds began to fall into the sea.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh!" she belted in terror.

* * *

All of Smash City was enraptured at the sight: following a sudden loss of power, like a giant free-fall ride at a theme park, the many islands of the Smashgrounds suddenly dropped at an accelerating speed from their two-thousand foot height and zoomed down towards the ocean below, sending a sweeping gale plowing through the streets.

Eight hundred feet before the entire grounds splashed into the water, their fall slowed greatly, and then at about five hundred they halted in place.

A floating black and red figure, surrounded by glowing gems, was seen using some sort of psychic power to hold the islands in the air and greatly slow their descent. Camera Lakitus could only get so close before their equipment was fried by wild energy forking from the Chaos Emeralds. After a few minutes, the figure appeared to be exhausting all its latent power.

The phantom collapsed, only to be caught by a hovering twin-tailed fox, who carried him away just as a blue blur was launched from an airship by a hammer-wielding pink hedgehog smacking a springboard.

The daredevil's launch was impeccable – he was flung through the midst of the seven falling gems and immediately transformed into a bright yellow Super Saiyan – er, that is – Super Sonic creature that zipped back and forth underneath each of the islands in turn, using all its might to hold them up individually at speeds undetectable to the naked eye.

"What in the blazes is that?" Taizo Hori (Dig Dug) asked Toadsworth.

The mischievous old Toad cracked a smile. "That ain't Blaze, my friend. That there is Super Sonic."

"So… you mean the legends are true?"

Toadsworth gave his companion a dirty look. "Legends? The fuck you talkin' 'bout?"

Their awkward conversation was halted by a nearby television, which began inexplicably blasting the song "Super Sonic Racing".

Once Super Sonic's power was exhausted, Hyper Knuckles took over and continued where he left off.

After a rather painful-looking ordeal, the Smashgrounds islands were safely dropped into the Smash Sea as gently as a leaf; the ripples from the landing were enough to topple a few buoys, relocate some Staryu, and submerge a good percentage of the beaches, but caused no property damage or casualties (aside from a few unfortunate hobos).

* * *

Tails, exhausted from a long flight, dropped Sonic onto the deck of the floating airship Shadow had rented. Amy and Shadow were waiting with a nice cold can of _Powerthirst_, which Sonic gulped down in one sitting.

"_Ah! Powerthirst!_ _The energy drink for people who need UNCOMFORTABLE AMOUNTS OF ENERGY! Available in flavors Manana, Fizzbitch… and GUN! You'll feel like a fighter jet made out of biceps! When God gives you lemons, you find a new God! Godberry, king of the juice. You'll have babies! So many babies! Four hundred babies! Side effects may include glowing sweat."_

Amy tapped her foot on the deck, copying Sonic's signature move. "Are you finished yet?"

"Yeaaah, just about," Sonic continued, shaking out the last drops of the crystal meth in a can. "Where's Knux?"

His question was soon answered when the echidna was spotted on television beating up a Camera Lakitu and stealing his cloud, tossing the nerd into the drink. He soon landed on the airship, Emeralds in hand.

"All in a day's work," said Knuckles.

"So," Shadow asked Sonic, "what's our next destination?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Sonic replied. "We're going to go after those assholes that chained you up in that godawful chamber."

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" a voice cried from above.

It was a pink puffball that had recently failed to stay airborne and was now falling towards the ship. Tails quickly revved up his tails, flew upwards, and caught him.

After thanking Tails, Kirby waved hello to the others. "Greetings, large-headed, oddly-proportioned anthro characters. My name is Kirby, and I come in peace. Have we met before?"

"OMG SO KAWAII!" Amy screamed.

"Sonic T. Hedgehog here. Y'know, I do have the feeling that we've crossed paths in the past, Kirby. There's a chunk of my memory about seven years ago that's a little hazy. Anyway, this is Tails, Shadow, Amy, and George Harris– er, I mean Knuckles. You've got business with the moon people too?"

"Sort of. All my friends left to confront the oppressors that live up there. There ain't much we know about 'em, just that they are extremely cruel and very powerful. But I'd much rather be facing certain death than spend another minute with the would-be dictator on that island."

"Very well," Sonic said. "I think it's high time we took a trip to the moon."

A small notification popped up on the television feed of the event: "Kirby has joined the party."

* * *

Fiona's eyes rattled around in her head as she woke up, dazed from the fall.

"Are you okay?" Nana asked, hovering above her with an ice pack and first aid kit.

"Mmmmnn. Hi there... I... I need a favor..."

"Yes? Anything!"

Weakly, Fiona's fingers held up a key to a padlock. "Do you think you could... ow... grab me my phone book from inside that cage? My doctor's number's on there."

Nana nodded. "Sure thing!"

The Female Villager watched carefully as the Ice Climber opened the lock, hopped into the cage, and grabbed the book. Before she could leave, though, Fiona leapt to her feet in a flash and slammed the door shut on her new acquaintance.

"HUH? Why? What's going on?" cried Nana, grabbing the aviary netting and pulling with all her strength.

"The world is in dire need of its savior," Fiona said silkily, stroking Nana's cheek through the metal. "And right now, its savior requires your cooperation. Pick up that telephone."

* * *

Thanks again for reading!

Well, now! I bet no one saw that ending coming! Did I take it too far this time? What are you looking forward to? Please let me know with a review and hopefully the next chapter will be out in a few days! :D

Also, I did not come up with those _Powerthirst_ jokes. They're sorta old, so I don't blame anyone for not knowing 'em. Check out the classic videos _Powerthirst_ and _Powerthirst 2_ on YouTube.


	16. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

**A/N:** Despite insane demands at work and the retirement of my old laptop (RIP 2007-2014), I'm really happy to be delivering this update on schedule (these two chapters are really just one long chapter that I decided to divide into two shorter ones for easier reading).

Due to IRL stuff beyond my control, I'm not sure I'll be able to steadily maintain the current pace of updates, but as always, I thank y'all for your patience and hope you enjoy it. ^^;;

**sippurp123:** Thanks again for your review! I have some insane plans in store for Fiona, but am still deciding on some of 'em. I really hope you enjoy this chapter, especially the Zelink part. :D

**Meowkerz:** Wow! It means a lot to me that this story inspired you to make an account and subscribe. That really motivated me! I hope you continue to enjoy this fic! I have considered posting longer chapters actually, but right now my reasons for posting shorter ones are that they (A) are easier to read and (B) allow me to maintain the quality I'm going for. Don't get me wrong, I do try and update as often as possible, but I worry a bit that if I tried to increase my rate, the material might end up being repetitive or predictable, especially since the game's roster isn't complete yet. :O

**shingekifan001:** I really enjoyed your review. Must have read it five times. Thank you for the lulz. If I'm not pissing someone off I'm not doing it right, but I'd expect a fan of _Shingeki no Kyojin_ would be cool with brutal character deaths. ;) I hope you continue to read the fic since some shit is gonna come to light that you may enjoy (or not).

**Guest:** Thanks for your review and patience! Glad you enjoyed the ending of that last chapter. :D

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic  
**

Solid Snake's finger hesitated before launching the _Great Fox's _limited but nevertheless deadly supply of three missiles, each directed at a different target.

The Ominous Voice telepathically addressed him. "We've detected that you're considering defection. You're wondering, 'why am I doing this'? You fought alongside these people in the past. Some of them were your good friends. Two were _more _than friends. You don't want to hurt them anymore."

"Switching sides stopped being an option when you made it clear that if I refuse you, you'll just hollow me out and use my body as a puppet anyway."

"Ah, true. Or, you know, we could do to you what we did to Daisy."

"Yeah, there's that to haunt me too. Point being, I'd rather not be a soulless husk. Anyway, if you were probing a little deeper, maybe you'd know that I fully understand why we're doing this. Why it's necessary. God knows I've done much worse in my time."

"Yes, but you're an infiltrator, not a killer."

"Got that right. I'm not exactly a fan of WMDs or pointless conflicts either."

"Which is why we needed to enlist a 'pacifist' like you to end this bloodshed."

Snake scoffed as he put out his cigarette. "Violence doesn't end in a pretty suburban cul-de-sac. It's an eternal highway, littered with bodies."

_If none of 'em make it through, this will all be for nothing, _Snake reflected. _Another reset. Another soul-draining massacre._

"That is why this time _will_ be the last time. They're stronger now. You feel it, too. Imagine that you had one chance to destroy every nuke on Earth. What would Raiden say? How about Otacon? Meryl? Kaz-"

Snake tightened his bandana to prevent himself from biting his own tongue in frustration. "You know what my biggest pet peeve is? Floating psychic mouth-breathing creeps getting into my head."

"Touchy, touchy. I get it. Now press the button."

"If we fail to end this tonight, I'll end myself so thoroughly even all the king's horses and men couldn't put me back together."

"Yawn. That's what you said the other dozen times. Your track record isn't looking too good. Anyway, we're already pushing the deadline. None of us want this to last any longer than it has to, Agent Gray. Purple and Red are on the field as we speak. The rest depends on the collective will of those Smashers."

_Then let this be the decisive battle_, Snake thought as he pressed the button. _Forgive me, guys. I just wish there was another way._

* * *

Link tried to keep his thoughts clean as a whistle as he creaked open the door to the pantry, snuck in, and dead-bolted it. After stopping to check his reflection in his Mirror Shield, take off his cap, and fix his hair, he then made his way towards the little back room labeled "Emergency Fairy Bottles".

Sure enough, as he slithered open the sliding door, he caught a glimpse of Princess Zelda, who had her back turned to him and her attention focused on a clipboard.

"Your Hero has arrived," Link announced as he closed the door and slowly walked up to his lover.

Zelda turned to glance at him briefly, and then returned to her inventory list. "Usually the Hero doesn't get the girl until _after _he's completed the quest."

But the Hero had already closed the distance and was standing mere inches from his prize.

"Yeah, but don't you think that's kind of an unnecessary tradition? Sometimes the Hero likes to be reminded what he's fighting so hard for."

Link rubbed, ever so softly, the back of his knuckles against Zelda's exposed neck, starting from just underneath her ears. Her natural scent was intoxicating.

_He likes how I smell. What a turn-on. He doesn't smell too bad himself. Essence of Roserade?_

"You mean just earning the trust and favor of the princess isn't enough?" replied Zelda, pulling away teasingly and walking several feet in the other direction.

Unfazed, Link followed her and blocked the Fairy Bottles she was trying to count by leaning against the cabinet and looking her directly in the eyes. "It might be for some other Heroes. But they're all suckers, 'coz they didn't have _you_."

"There have been countless Links and Zeldas. We don't know if that's true," argued Zelda, but her resolve was growing weaker by the second. "Plus, weren't you the one who was all gung-ho about finding out the truth this morning?"

"How long are you gonna keep pretending you don't want it as much as I do?"

_I love how intense his sapphire eyes are_, Zelda thought. _And those lips…_

She raised her gloved hand and unlatched the collar of his undershirt. "Oh, just as long as _you_ keep pretending you don't enjoy the chase."

After briefly running her fingers under his chainmail and over his chest, she winked and turned back to her clipboard.

Link nabbed the thing from her hands and stuck it in his magically collapsible item bag, leaving her with nothing else to look at but his desire-filled eyes.

"You know I like a good challenge. But half the fun of solving a puzzle lies in knowing there's something special waiting at the end of it."

"My, you're thirsty," she noted, even as Link ran his hands up Zelda's bare back and began to unstrap her purple top, which latched together under each of her shoulder pauldrons. To distract her, he peppered her cheek with little kisses.

"And you're in denial. You haven't come since this morning. Must be awful wet down there, after all those images I put into your head."

"You really think I'm _that_ horny."

He let Zelda's top fall off her shoulders and smiled as he leered at her bare chest. Her nipples were fully perked up. "I _know_ you are. It doesn't take a mind reader."

Zelda moaned softly as Link pushed her up against the metal cabinet and began kissing her tenderly. A bunch of the fairies moved to the edges of their bottles to watch.

"It… doesn't matter… There's work to be done… we're almost at the moon…"

Link smiled as he gently groped Zelda's glorious breasts and traced swirling patterns around her nipples. "Yet strangely, I don't see you pulling away."

"That's… because we both… oh! …know how this is gonna end," Zelda moaned as she felt Link's member rubbing up against the outside of her skirt, even through his tightie-whities.

* * *

"We have incoming!" Luigi cried from the helm of Starship Mario as a mass of black objects flooded out from behind the shimmering space-barrier.

As it so happened, their spherical ship was attacked by a horde of space-Keese. The notoriously hard-to-kill batlike creatures flooded Luigi's vision. He banked the station to one side, narrowly avoiding one of Bowser's airships.

"Whuzzat?" asked Mario, pointing behind them as he injected himself with a syringe filled with vodka. "Looks a-like a massive space a-wang!"

After toasting a majority of the Keese with some fireballs, Luigi squinted through the mess. From the distance, an enormous missile was heading towards the Comet Observatory. Handing the helm to Lubba the Luma, Luigi reached for his cell and dialed Rosalina.

_Shit. No signal._

"Ey Mario, you got a-signal?"

"WHAT?" Mario replied, busy unzipping his trousers. He peed on a swarm of Fire Keese approaching from behind. "Hahaha! Get a load of this, Luigi! It's a-super effective!"

After trying his phone again in between shooting off more fireballs, Luigi turned to see Mario's stream of urine smacking the Keese.

"I SAID GIMME YOUR PHONE!"

Mario turned around against the ship's momentum to pass his cellphone and ended up staining his own pants.

"Mama mia! That was a-stupid!"

Luigi checked Mario's Galaxy 5. He didn't have any signal either.

"After all you've a- broken, murdered, and a-destroyed today, _that's _what a-you think is stupid? In a-the first place, you should a-be using FLUDD!" insisted Luigi, placing the phone back in Mario's pocket.

"Ah!" Mario realized. "Good call, _paisano_!"

Lubba pulled the starship into a somersault. Mario sprayed the bats from behind while Luigi toasted the stragglers: fire and water made an excellent team.

* * *

"Sorry, Fox, no one's seen Zelda," Sheik replied over the video comm. to the Star Fox Team leader's request for a magic barrier. "But I'm confident I'll be up to the task."

"Really now?" Fox queried.

"Yeah. I'm actually a Zelda myself, just from a different world line."

"Wait, you're a chick?" noted Wolf.

"Schyeeeeah? I wear ladies' clothes all the time. I'm… surprised you haven't noticed."

"Huh. I… always thought you were just a really, really, attractive guy. It kept me up at night. Guess that means I had no reason to question my sexuality. Maybe I wasn't even gay until Leon and I… ah, well… it's too late now."

"Wow! Fuckin'… I told you he was flaming! My gaydar is _never _off!" Olimar called out to Popo, who was currently on the bridge of the _Halberd_. "You owe me seventy coins!"

Popo sighed. "I hate my life. Now I can't afford my _Final Fantasy XIV_ subscription this month. My Free Company's gonna kick me out. Thanks a lot, Wolf."

"I'm not the one who made a bad bet, sister!" Wolf grumbled defensively.

"It's cool, Popo. Just pay me next month with five percent interest," said Olimar. "I may be a bit of a megalomaniac, but let it never be said that I am unmerciful."

"ANYWAY!" Sheik continued, rolling her eyes. "I know a spell that will basically mitigate all damage for quite some time. That should suffice, Fox, no?"

"That it should. Falco and Wolf, let's go ahead and engage."

"Can we go into all-range mode yet?" Falco asked, giddy as a schoolboy.

"Yeeeeeessss, Falco. Going into all-range mode."

Sheik performed some stretching exercises. "Slippy, hang back for a second and I'll meet you on deck after I grab some magic bottles."

"Affirmative!" called Slippy, hitting the brakes without looking back and nearly smashing into Wolf, Samus, and Olimar in the process. "W-where am I going again?"

The Sheikah sighed. "Peach, if you could grab those bottles, I'll guide Slippy from the cannon deck with some flares."

"On it!" Peach immediately ran to the supply room to grab Sheik some of the green replenishment bottles.

Sheik turned to the Captain. "Oh, and Bowser?"

The Koopa King was furiously trying to Google his son's killer, crushing two sandbags in each hand as stress balls. Megadeth's "Holy Wars… The Punishment Due" was blasting off his headphones. He didn't even look up at Sheik.

"_WHAT?" _he barked when she waved at him.

"Uh, good luck. Please try to cover me if you can."

* * *

Zelda freed Link's Onix-hard dick from the pee-hole in his white leggings, prompting it to smack hard against her clitoral hood. Even through her stockings and dress, it was pretty painful.

"Ow!" she cried.

While Link moved up to kissing Zelda's cheeks and ears, she began to undo his leather shoulder straps and belt, and then pulled off Link's tunic.

"Fuck me hard and true, My Hero," she said in a sultry voice reserved only for Link.

He pulled down her stockings.

From all the movement, Zelda's dress fell to her waist, and she grabbed Link's hands and put them on her silky ass cheeks, which he wasted no time in tenderly fondling. Zelda had the perfect fat-to-muscle ratio on her heinie, something that Link thanked The Powers That Be for every night.

_If only he knew that Zelda was actually the human incarnation of the Goddess Hylia, destined to be reborn again and again, _thought the author. _What an ironic situation. Too bad I can't actually put that in the fic, since Link doesn't have his memory. Oh, wait. Maybe I can write it from my POV. Can I even get away with that? I just did. Take that, English professors worldwide!_

Link's cock was now sliding up against Zelda's slit and rubbing her wetness all over her vaginal area. In fact, Zelda juice was currently dripping on the floor and onto Link's normal boots.

Unbeknownst to them, it also stained the corner of Yoshi's camcorder lens. Sad to be giving up a prime under-the-balls-shot before the action even got started, the dino carefully pulled his RC car back under one of the cabinets to get a different view of the situation.

_No one really likes under-the-ball cam anyway, _Yoshi thought. _It just adds production value._

The Hero was giving the princess hickeys all over her neck, teasing her by pushing the head of his dick in an inch or so, and then taking it back out again.

"Evil!" she cried. "Ugh! You're so evil!"

_Nothin' like delaying gratification to make the sex even hotter. That's the power of my legendary member. I'm baiting the dungeon's boss into making the first move,_ Link thought subconsciously.

"Wow, that was a nerdy thought," observed Zelda; thanks to hers and Link's close proximity, she could read deeper into his mind than even he was capable of. "If… if you're just gonna keep teasing me like this… I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands."

"And how do you propose you- AHHHHH!"

Unable to take it anymore, the Princess had grabbed Link's cock and shoved it inside herself.

"OH GOD YES," she moaned.

"HYYYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!" Link exclaimed as Zelda wrapped both of her legs around his back and pulled him towards her.

"Go, Speed Racer! Go, go, go, go!"

He began pounding her hard against the cabinet, shaking all the Fairy Bottles. The fairies, formerly watching in curiosity, were now panicking for their lives and trying to will the cramped glass prisons they called home from falling off the edge of the cabinet. As of yet, their tiny voices were failing to reach the two Hylians in the midst of their mating ritual.

* * *

Peach could have sworn she heard some moaning and/or pounding from somewhere as she made her way back from the supply room with a crate full of magic bottles, but she soon chalked it up to Yoshi, whom she spotted when she yanked open the broom closet across the hall and caught him drooling at a small monitor.

"You! What kind of shenanigans are you up to now?"

But Yoshi simply pocketed his remote control, leapt over Peach's head, and vacated the closet. Only, in his panicked state, he left his headphones, which were still on his head, tethered to the monitor on the floor. After being pulled by the cord, the dino smacked his humongous nose upon the top of the door jamb and fell onto Peach's blossomed bosoms.

"AHHHH!" she cried, and then thwacked him away with a frying pan. Yoshi rebounded off the back wall and into her low, twirling down-smash, a powerful move which spun him into the hallway, where he hit the opposite metal wall with his skull.

Unbeknownst to him, Yoshi was drawing close to the record for the most solid hits on the noggin in one day, a record that Mega Man, with Fox's help, had made earlier. If he had brain cells, a good amount of them would have packed up their bags, sued for general abuse, and moved on to greener pastures.

Peach stood with her arms crossed and pointed at the monitor.

"Just what is this, Yoshi? You're hiding in here watching some adult vid- wait."

Link and Zelda were in the midst of an epic fuck session. She knew she should look away, but couldn't bring herself to. A pang of jealousy shot through Peach's mind, even as her cheeks turned crimson.

_Wow, they're really going at it. I sure wish someone would fuck me like that._

As if answering her request, Yoshi had sidled up to her and began rubbing his head against Peach's hips, like a pet cat. Willing his pupils to expand, he looked at her with the cutest, most innocent eyes. But after seeing the mirror reflecting off his shoe as he slid it under her skirt, she only gave him a swift kick under the chin and sent him back into the closet.

"Grow up! Hmph!" she yelled, and then slammed the door on him. "In case you haven't noticed, the rest of us _are all outside fighting for our lives_. But by all means, if you want to keep festering in your own perversions, stay in there for all I care!"

The Princess soon grew to realize that it was truly Zelda she was frustrated with. By then Peach had made her way out of the ship to the cannon deck, where she nearly dropped the crate in surprise.

It was a full-on fireworks show.

Mega Man, DK, and Diddy were fending off attacking Metroids, Polar Bears, Totoros, Redeads, and a whole motley crew of assorted invaders. Purple portals spawned Subspace enemies.

"This is fuckin' insane!" Mega Man yelled, tears of joy in his eyes. "I forgot how much I loved killing whole armies of things!"

"Got your bottles, Sheik!" cried Peach.

"Thank you!" the Sheikah replied before leaping in the air and forward-smashing a sniping Eggrobo off the map. "I'm still waiting for that Slippy fellow to show, but in the meantime…"

She cast Nayru's Love onto Peach, Mega Man, Diddy Kong, and Donkey Kong, using the last of her magic. She then guzzled one of the bottles just as the newest wave was in danger of overcoming the deck.

"SMASH BALL INCOMING!" Bowser yelled from the bridge. "Clear that deck!"

Suddenly, a Smash Ball materialized in the center of the deck. DK and Diddy tag-teamed it; Donkey Kong grabbed the Final Smash and was able to knock several waves of enemies off the deck at once with his percussion skills.

"We have Smash Balls, too?" asked Sheik.

Peach nodded. "A small supply. Apparently, Bowser's rationing them."

The short break allowed Diddy Kong's wild gestures to be noticed.

For the past few minutes, Diddy had been trying to direct someone's – anyone's – attention to the large missile approaching the ship, only he'd been screaming at the top of his primate lungs for so long that he'd lost his voice.

"What is it, little guy?" Sheik asked.

Diddy pointed again frantically. At last, Peach saw the monstrosity approaching.

"Mega Man!" she cried. "I need you!"

He cracked a suave smile. "Shyeeah, blondie. You and half o' Smash City, but yer so earnest ah might make an exception. A woman who knows what she wants... a rarity in this day an' age. Just gotta get you a new pair o' threads, maybe some leopard print pants-"

She interrupted him by pointing up at the missile. "I'm talking about _that_ thing! It looks like a rather devastating weapon! Maybe you can ride a Bullet Bill over there and try disarming it!"

"M-m-me? Ride one o' them sharkface things?"

"I know it's your first day and all, but we need any help you can give us, Mega Man. Or it might be our last." She gave him a peck on the cheek. "For luck."

The android's face turned blood-red. The erupting heatsink in his stomach kicked his internal fans into overdrive, and spurred by a whole new universe of possibility, his brain's CPU overclocked itself.

"YOU BETCHA, PRINCESS! I SWEAR, IF I MAKE IT OUTTA THIS ALIVE, I'MA TAKE YA OUT ON A DATE!"

"Um, sure. Just destroy that thing!"

_What have I done? _Wondered Peach as she watched Mega Man hop the next Bullet Bill into the unknown.

* * *

Thanks as always for reading! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next one is chock full of action! Please let me know if you have any feedback!


	17. The Great Gig in the Sky

**A/N:** This is **part two of a two-part update**! If you're just checking in from the last update, please see Chapter Sixteen first!

Here's where the real action starts! Pretty darn happy with how it turned out! Enjoy and expect a few surprises along the way!

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen**

**The Great Gig in the Sky  
**

Fox was being shot at so furiously, he could barely keep his bearings. He barrel-rolled through a barrage of incoming fire from several unmanned drone fighters; counter-acting the vertigo, the Arwing's G-diffuser system allowed McCloud to focus on his targeting reticule, which appeared as a hologram over the cockpit glass.

He locked on and took out several groups of bogeys at once.

Four dozen octoroks fired at him from rotating asteroids. Falco swooped in and made short work of two clusters, but then found himself pursued by three Banzai Bills.

"Could use a little help here, Fox!" he cried, but it was Samus who swept in and toasted the Bills before they could hit their target.

"Much appreciated, Sammy," said Falco, covering her tail by firing a smart bomb into a crowd of rapidly closing Eggrobos.

_I'm glad she's all right, _Fox thought as he shot down some blade-wielding Flage enemies that were leaping towards his Arwing. _I should have been the one to save her. Maybe I should apologize for my behavior earlier, before we're both killed. …what would I say, though, without looking like a chump? Or is that a part of it? Is it ever a 'cool' thing to swallow one's pride? How would that even look to the other guys, to admit that I was wrong? This is kind of a new thing for me._

And then a cucco hit Fox's cockpit, prompting a high-pitched scream.

"Aiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!"

Falco, Wolf, and Samus all blurted out laughing at his squeal, despite being engaged in life-and-death dogfights.

"It was scary, all right?!" screamed Fox as more cuccos began to swarm his ship. Barrel rolling did nothing as the evil beasts' talons latched straight onto the fuselage. The quickly multiplying raptors of death began to peck away at the cockpit glass as if it were made of cardboard.

"I'm in trouble!"

It was Samus again who saved him. The bounty hunter had just ascended the upper lift from her gunship and used her flamethrower to toast the pesky birds.

"Grilled chicken, anyone?" she asked, grabbing one of them that didn't appear so burned and heading back inside to take her spacecraft off autopilot.

"Wow… good call, Samus," Fox managed, and then immediately noticed something sinister approaching. "Behind you!"

She maneuvered out of the way just in time. A large white and red ship, which would easily have rammed the gunship into smithereens, blasted past the fighters.

"Did anyone get the plate number on that big rig?" Fox asked.

"Scanning," Samus replied. "Analysis complete. Earth-class Battle Cruiser. Ship name: _The Virgin Victory_."

"She ain't gon' be a virgin for much longer!" yelled Bowser. "FIRE!"

"Hold up! That ship ain't alone!" cried Olimar, who'd spotted a very large mecha approaching at ludicrous speed. "It's a giant version of that dude from _FLCL_!"

"Naw, G," observed King Dedede, who was busy trying to laser-fry several Duon 'bots that were assaulting the _Halberd_. "Dis foo' got an unusually proportioned head. He be all, like, stupid lookin'. Prolly fo' copyright reasons."

Whatever it was, it was inbound. The four-limbed monstrosity boasted a massive squareish television for a head and a rainbow aura. Propelled by jets on its feet, it performed a high-speed dive-kick towards the Arwings and Wolfen fighter, but their pilots were too quick to fall for such a tactic.

Fox somersaulted out of the way, and then banked hard to the right to whip towards his target and engage in an all-out frontal assault.

But the _Virgin Victory_ was already providing cover fire, shielding the mecha from Fox's Hyper Lasers while squadrons of floating Reapers (Kid Icarus) took the blows from Bowser's Bullet Bills.

"Those lackeys are takin' hits for that Robo," Fox observed. "That must be the boss. We need to know its weakness."

"We've lost contact with _Great Fox_!" said Falco.

Fox massaged his chin. "Where the hell is Slippy when ya need him?"

A determined voice sounded out from the cockpit of the Giant Robo, soon accompanied by the video feed of a masked man with a ridiculously large head, clad in a red jumpsuit. "Why, if it isn't the leader of the Star Fox Mercenary team and defender of the Lylat System, Fox McCloud, and his companions, legendary bounty hunter and the one-woman force behind the Great Metroid Cleansing, Samus Aran, joined by the ace pilot Falco Lombardi, Wolf O'Donnell, the homosexual leader of Star Wolf-"

Wolf groaned while frying a couple of GEATHJERK ships. "Does it really matter so much that I'm gay?"

_Great Metroid Cleansing? _wondered Samus.

"-Captain Olimar, roving researcher and explorer from Hocotate Freight and his Technicolor army of loyal Pikmin, and of course… wait, where's the talented mechanic-inventor and current COO of Space Dynamics, Slippy Toad?"

Fox couldn't decide if he was more impressed or annoyed at the guy's knowledge and ability to introduce his whole squadron. "Is this spandexed fool for real? Man, you must have been reading off a teleprompter or somethin'."

"That's what I keep telling him!" a masked Blue dude with a surfer accent replied. "He must have an earpiece; someone's feeding him lines!"

"Just who are you clowns supposed to be?" asked Falco. "Some _Viewtiful Joe_ rip-offs?"

"My name is Wonder-Red, Special Combat Agent of the CENTINELS Planetary Secret Service, Blossom City Field Office! And I'm joined by a hundred of my fellow CENTINEL operatives! We aaaaaare… The Wonderful 101, protectors of planet Earth, and the vessel we're currently piloting is Platinum Robo, the cornerstone of planet Earth's defense! It's our sworn wonder-mission to take you down for the good of the universe!"

"Man, goodie two-shoes here is a bore and a half," said Wolf, firing a smart bomb. "Sorry, Blunder-Red, but your cameo's over and done with."

"I don't think so," Wonder-Red replied as Platinum Robo kicked the smart bomb away. "All right, Wonderful Ones and P-Star, let's show 'em what for! WOOOOOOOONDEEEEEEER HOLLLOOOCAUUUUST!"

A heroic theme began to play as the mecha inexplicably grabbed two nearby GEATHJERK starships and held them under its arms like weapons. The space demon then began using its dual-wielded high-powered lasers upon Bowser's fleet, sending dozens of airships plummeting to their doom.

"Mother of God," said Samus. "They're genocidal freaks."

"Stop that Robo!" Bowser cried over the comm. "For the love of Pong, give 'em all we've got! Pump 'em full o' lead! Someone call Toon Link!"

* * *

"Did ya just say you ate tons of cock?" asked Toon Link, who was supposed to be Captaining Tetra's Pirate Ship (she was on vacation in the Sunshine Islands) but was instead engrossed in playing _Dissidia 012 Duodecim_ on his PSP. "Like, today, or in your lifetime? How much we talkin' here?"

Falco groaned. "No, you imbecile! I said watch your ten o'clock! We're being massacred!"

"Oh," he replied, then gazed out the porthole window. "In that case… Gonzo! Make for twenty degrees, port side, and come abreast!" Toon Link commanded into his walkie talkie.

"Aye, aye!" his first mate called from the helm.

"Mako, I think it's high time we show 'em the power of our nuclear-tipped cannons!"

"Couldn't agree more!" The nerdy pirate yelled, sitting at his advanced targeting computer, which he reverse-engineered from one of Bowser's submarines.

"Ready… aim…"

The cannons were lined up with Platinum Robo's gigantic head.

"FIRE!"

* * *

By this time, Link's knees had given way and the couple found themselves humping on the floor atop a pile of their clothes, much to the relief of the fairies. Both were naked and covered in sweat as Zelda was wrapped so very tightly around Link's body in the missionary position.

"Fuck… oh… fuck yes, baby…" she moaned. "Do all those things you imagined you'd do… don't hold back…"

"When… have I ever…?"

"When you're teasing me, of course!" she cried, and kissed him. "OH! Turn me over, sweetie. I want it doggy-style."

The inner emptiness that Zelda felt when Link pulled out was refilled tenfold when he turned her over and slid his sword into its warm, wet, and waiting shaft. Link's body bent completely over Zelda's, and true to his teasing vision, he tenderly licked her ears, one by one, and then her neck, all the while playing with her breasts. She tightened and loosened her pussy muscles to match his movements.

Both Hylians subconsciously ignored the booms that rattled their chamber.

* * *

Pac-Man's Galaga starfighter made a swift landing atop the Comet Observatory. Its radiant engines slowed to a fading chiptune hum as he descended, homerun bat in hand.

"O Merciful Fruit Czar Puckerton," the Male Villager groveled, greeting his deity with a low and reverent bow. "To what do we humble protectors owe this great honor?"

Out of nowhere, Puck took a fully-charged swing at the Newcomer, sending him flying backwards and off the ledge.

"Puck! What is the meaning of this?" demanded Rosalina, appearing with her Luma from Ness' chamber.

Pac-Man tossed the bat at Rosalina (it missed) and picked up a Super Scope.

"You idiots just can't get with the program, can you? It doesn't matter how simple and convenient your lives are, how carefully we try to make you feel at home at the Grounds. Every flippin' time, it's the same shit. You want the truth. You'll sacrifice everything to get it. And we're the suckers who have to keep you in line. Rinse and repeat. Ball and chain. Crimson and clover, over and over. Meanwhile, the _Wii U_ and Japanese gaming in general are dying a slow and painful death, and my career is still in shambles."

He dropped a device that resembled the _Ghostbusters' _Ghost Trap, which cracked open a black-and-purple swirling portal.

"Can't we work together somehow?" asked Rosalina. "There has to be a peaceful solution."

"You don't think those Voices have tried that already? I've been kicking ass more than thrice as long as you have _existed_, Rosie," he pointed out. "And in all that time, I've never seen a conflict that wasn't resolved through violence, whether overt or covert. Power is the only truth in this universe, the only force capable of keeping such a disparate rabble in line."

"You're wrong!" cried Melville, who just barely recovered from the sneak attack and pulled himself up the platform of the Observatory's outer rim. "Any unity achieved through violence is a sham, a convenient peace. No one living under oppression can be truly happy. The only uniting forces in this universe are love, courage, and hope. I thought you of all people would understand that. Or are you not the Legendary Deity of the Golden Pellets? The vanquisher of evil spirits? The Godfather of Gaming?"

Yet as he spoke, both the Male Villager and Rosalina were stunned to see a gang of Fighting Polygons, Wireframes, and Alloys stepping out of Pac-Man's Subspace Generator. There were a good three dozen of them.

Pac-Man chuckled. "Heh. The idealism of youth. Love didn't bring me out of the depths of obscurity. Courage didn't doom me to generations of rehashes and following in your boy Mario's footsteps and tire tracks for years. Hope wasn't what got me here today, standing with my own personal army behind me. This is _my _show now."

"We can take them," Rosalina whispered to Melville. "Unless they're 'Cruel' level fighters. It's impossible to tell until you're facing them head-on."

"Leave the front lines to me," Melville said. "You and Luma watch my back."

Pac-Man, however, just laughed. "Hey, Rosie, you might want to look behind you."

"Seriously?" she said. "That's, like, the oldest trick in the book."

"Suit yourself."

Luma checked behind her, and then freaked the fuck out. "MAMA! IT'S A FUCKING NUKE!"

Rosalina spun around to see the _Great Fox's _missile coming in at full speed. She immediately flicked her wand, sending all her Lumas out to hold back the rocket, and then used a modified version of her Gravity Well technique to hold the weapon of mass destruction in place within a space bubble, a pocket of dark matter that held it in a temporary stasis just a hundred meters away.

It appeared to take all her energy to hold the missile back.

"Melville! Forget about me! You need to get Ness away from them!"

"That'll be easier said than done," said Pac-Man with a grin as the Alloys, Wireframes, and Polygons all circled Melville. "Let's see what you've got, Villager."

* * *

"I'm goin' in with my payload," Falco announced, dive-bombing against the Platinum Robo. "Someone's gotta do it!"

"Wait, Falco, no!" screamed Samus.

Toon Link's mortar-filled cannons exploded on impact with Platinum Robo and sent it flying wildly. The _Virgin Victory _was all but scuttled from a barrage of lasers and flak, but its guns were still operational.

"Now firing all guns," said its pilot, Alice MacGregor, seemingly uninterested. She took aim at Toon Link's Pirate Ship, and the two vessels engaged in a separate one-on-one battle.

A familiar voice announced its long-delayed entrance onto the scene. "Enemy shield analyzed!"

It was Slippy, who had Sheik squeezed rather uncomfortably inside the cockpit with him.

"I've never been happier to see you!" said Fox. "And that's no lie."

It now became clear that Falco had just made it out of the explosion by the feathers on his forehead; the miracle of his survival had to do with the glowing blue diamond surrounding his and his teammates' ships – Nayru's Love, Sheik's damage-mitigating trump card.

"Spearhead formation!" cried Fox as he, Falco, Wolf, Slippy, and Samus all dive-bombed into Platinum Robo with their shields, which made them stronger than mach-speed diamonds.

"Let's see how your magic holds up against Professor Margarita's heart and soul! Bear witness to the United Nations' ability to bring the rest of the universe to its knees!" Wonder-Red announced. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNDEEEEER-HAAAAARRRRRDDDDEEEENNNNN!"

The Wonderful Ones all banded together to form a protective barrier around the Platinum Robo – only, it wasn't the kind of structure Wonder-Red had in mind, and it was only covering the lower half of Platinum-Robo's torso.

"A giant penis?" Wonder-Blue said drolly. "Really? Very creative, guys."

"Zut alors!" called the French Wonder-Green, munching on some freedom fries. "Why, but zees ees glorious! Don't you agree after all zat whipping it ees time for some dipping, Miss Pink?"

"Aiiieeeeee!" Wonder-Pink shrieked in her Transylvanian accent as the rotund rifleman began licking in her general direction.

Wonder-Blue jumped on top of Green, ending his vulgar teasing. "Can it, Na-_chode-_leon Bona-_farte_."

"Fucked, we are. With us today, the Tao is not," said Wonder-White, shielding his face from the impending debris explosion.

"Erm, it would have been nice to have had a catch-phrase about now," the Russian Wonder-Yellow lamented.

"…" said Wonder-Black.

The high-speed interstellar jets carved through Platinum Robo's head like superheated diamonds penetrating butter. They then circled around and carved through it again, vertically. That seemed to do the trick.

Mother Platinum's CPU blinked on and off, flickered, and in one sad moment it died completely.

"WOOOONDDDEEEEER GLIIIIIDEEERR!" announced Wonder-Red, and the Wonderful Ones' CENTINEL suits joined together into a Unite Morph of a humongous glider.

They then wonderfully wafted on the non-existent winds only to land on the bridge of a rather large battle cruiser, staring down two large laser arms.

"NOOOO!" Wonder-Goggles, the most universally hated member of the team, began bawling excessively at the loss of Platinum Robo. "MAMA! OH-OH-OOOOHHH! We didn't mean to let you die! SHEIK, I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

The one hundred combatants dusted themselves off only to come face to face with a large heap of scrap metal. King Dedede was lounging atop two bested Duon robots, munching on some grilled cucco. He was joined by Marth, Meta-Knight, and Popo.

"Whadda we got here?" he laughed. "Ey boys, check it out. Looks like we got ninety-nine problems, and a sandwich ain't one."

"Y'all came to the wrong neighborhood," said Popo, who then took a hit from Dedede's pipe.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Meta-Knight announced. "Anyone moves, they feel the wrath of my lasers."

"Darling, those things ran out of juice three minutes ago. There's no other explanation for why you're all out here like this, other than that you just wanted to say hello. I tend to have that effect on men."

Everyone turned to see where the voice was coming from. A New Challenger stepped forth from the Wonderful Ones and took off the ridiculously tight-skinned nanobot-infused CENTINEL suit, snapping back into her normal proportions. And what proportions they were! A perfectly curvaceous figure, garbed in black, donning magical sidearms on her heels and a katana in her hands.

"Mmmm. I've been dying to get some action going," said Bayonetta, stretching her back. The Umbra Witch was rather sick of limiting her powers to fight as a part of a team.

She addressed her temporary employer. "Take a back seat, Wonderbread. Let me have a crack at these individuals."

"Very well," Wonder-Red replied, and then lowered his voice. "But do keep in mind we are on a time limit."

He pointed to the ship's port side. The third and last of _Great Fox's _missiles was closing in on them.

"Ha!" she joked, and then winked at the CENTINELS operating leader. "Come now. There's no time like Witch Time. This will be over before you can say, 'Wonder Woman'."

After setting down a boom box that began playing "Fry Me to the Moon (Climax Mix)", Bayonetta cracked her neck, rotated her hips into proper position, and pointed at Marth.

"You there! Classy gent! You certainly look like you know how to tango."

The prince drew his sword and leapt down to face off against the Umbra Witch. "Boku wa makeru wake ni wa ikanainda!" (There's no way I can lose!)

"Show me what you can do with that blade, and I'll try to remember to leave time for pillow talk."

Both combatants raced towards one another.

* * *

Thanks for reading!

_Bayonetta jiggles jauntily into the jamboree?_

Man, I can't wait to see her spouting some sexy one-liners. I agree that her chances of actually getting into Smash are pretty low considering her overt sex appeal and handguns (not to mention Hideki Kamiya's angry Tweet last year asking Smash "idiots" to stop pestering him), but a guy can dream, right? I mean, that's what fanfic is for!

I really enjoyed _The Wonderful 101_ and apologize for any minor contextual spoilers. I didn't want to get too into detail about 'em since there's a lot of people out there who still haven't played this fantastic game. Gameplay-wise, at least, it's the first hybrid beat-em-up/RTS and while there is a learning curve, it's totally worth it; the story had potential but the execution was hit-and-miss, IMO, though I'll admit Vorkken had some pretty decent writing and voice acting. Maybe a lot of the charm was lost in translation, though Nintendo's localizations are usually top-notch. I have no idea.

Next time, we'll catch up with the Falcon Flyer (Palutena, Pit, Captain Falcon, Ike, GW, and all the Pokemon, whom we haven't really seen in a while) and find out... well, you'll see.

Hopefully y'all enjoyed this update. Or hated it! Let loose your volleys with a review! Don't be shy, you can tell me what you want, what you really really want (so tell me what you want, what you really, really want)! And please subscribe! I hope to have more for ya within this coming week! ;)


	18. Fry Me to the Moon

**A/N:** Dear readers, thank you so much for your patience! So... from checking out the story traffic, I've noticed that whenever I post a two-parter, the first chapter gets only half as many views as the second one! Not to mention, the whole splitting chapters thing has caused some confusion. That makes me as sad as poor Lucy Hare! D:

SOOO... I'm gonna try an experiment. Until further notice, I'm going to try posting each update as its own standalone chapter. Feel free to let me know if this is a good/bad idea!

This also means that you're lookin' at the most bloated and action-filled chapter yet at OVER TEN THOUSAND words. Please don't let this scare you, though! I divided the episode into three "Acts" for easier reading (I wouldn't try to read this all at once! XD). Enjoy!

**EDIT:** Tightened up some dopey prose.

**sippurp123:** I'm so glad you got my PM and enjoyed the rest of that scene! There will be moar Zelink in the future. And as always, thanks for your feedback! Sorry about that whole debacle. :O

**Meowkerz:** Very happy that you enjoyed the last chapter! I recommend taking a break between each of the acts in this uber-long chapter, though. :)

**Anyone:** Thanks for your comments! Yes, that lemon was definitely unfinished, on purpose. :) I apologize for drawing things out so much, haha.

**Catnip101:** Thank you for your review! Hope you like this newest chapter!

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Fry Me to the Moon**

**I. Black Magic Woman**

Marth opened with a Dancing Blade combination, which Bayonetta nimbly dodged and followed up with a quick four-hit katana combo. She finished off by blasting him with Rosemary and Thyme, Rodin's custom-built handguns.

But the bullets were ground-dodged, and the Umbra Witch leapt away to buy herself a little more space.

_She's fought me before_, the swordsman realized. _There's no other way she could have timed that so perfectly._

"Ah, sweet reminiscence. I remember our first time like it was yesterday," Cereza said with a smile. "Hope it was as special for you as it was for me."

_"Oboete inai!_"

"What's that, darling? You don't remember? Oh, that's no fun at all."

Bayonetta cartwheeled in and performed a Heel Slide, which Marth countered.

After landing in the opposite direction, Bayonetta leapt into the air and just barely missed the tips of Marth's dual horizontal slashes (neutral aerial). She then quickly used an After Burner Kick to send him flying backwards. This was followed up by her transforming into a Crow and chasing him down whilst prepping her feathers for an aerial attack.

Thanks to a fake-out, Marth's next counter was too early by an instant, and the Crow's feathers caught him off-guard.

With the swordsman stunned, Bayonetta used a Stiletto attack to close the distance and knock her opponent back quite a ways. She chased him down with an Umbran Portal kick. After emerging from the dark abyss and dealing significant damage, she found time to strike a pose for Wonder-Green and Dedede's cameras.

"I know what you're thinking. This hardly seems fair," she pouted, sticking a purple magic lollipop in her mouth. "I've got the upper hand here. And you'd be right. But try your best to remember. You just might be able to uncover what you've been trained so hard to forget."

_At least she's honest_, thought Marth. _If she's used to my fighting style, there's only one thing I can do... and that's fight recklessly._

Cereza struck another pose for the cameras as Marth approached from the air. Just as Bayonetta attempted a mid-air slash combo, though, Marth ground-dodged. Her landing stuck a split-second later, which gave Marth enough time to catch the Witch in a charged up-smash.

Marth followed up the launch with an upwards aerial slash; the Umbran Witch hit the sweetspot on his Falchion just right, allowing him to juggle her in the air for another two solid hits. Following her recovery, Bayonetta's descending After Burner kick was denied by a perfectly timed Dolphin Slash. The rising wall of steel sent her off towards the starboard side.

"My, that's no way to treat a lady," she admitted. "Your form's improving, but it remains to be seen whether your best can satisfy me."

Bayonetta's landing was solid. She dodged Marth's low slash with a full set of magic and snapped into Witch Time, greatly speeding up her attacks. In one seamless motion, she stunned the prince with her sidearms, grabbed him with her hair, and slammed him into the ground.

A giant spiked torture wheel fell from a portal in the sky atop Marth.

_What the hell is this? _he wondered in shock and awe.

"Sorry our dance had to end so soon, lover boy." Bayonetta kicked the spiked wheel hard, sending it spinning at top speed atop the poor prince.

Marth exclaimed in agony as his innards were torn apart and quickly reformed at incredible speed. A second kick from Bayonetta had Marth flying off the stage.

The Wonderful Ones began cheering their champion's name.

"BA-YO! NET-TA!" they jeered.

Dedede, Meta-Knight and Popo all watched the scene rather worriedly. Their own champion barely made it back onto the ledge, and he was looking rather worse for wear.

"I dunno how much longer I can watch this," Meta-Knight grumbled, refusing the pipe.

"Fifty coins says Marth wins," said Popo, who always cheered for the underdog.

"That's a dumb bet," Dedede replied, and finished the bowl. "I'll take you up on it."

"Hey guys, I'm gonna sneak off and see if I can do somethin' about that missile," whispered Meta-Knight, who then leapt onto a Warp Star to jet off the scene when none of the Wonderful Ones were looking.

* * *

Little Mac couldn't believe what he was seeing, while Ganondorf couldn't believe that they were allowing him to videotape it.

Palutena lay spread on the dining table of the _Falcon Flyer_, with Pikachu currently licking between her legs while his nose rubbed furiously around her clitoral region. The static from his cheeks and fur tickled her entire being with light electric pulses.

"Ohh! Yes! Fuck, I've never… ahhh! Not like this! This is positively electrifying!"

It wasn't long before she had another wild orgasm, which, for anyone keeping score, was well into the triple-digits for this rather long day.

"Kachu!" he said, and then shifted so that his five-inch member was right in front of her entrance.

"He's askin' if yer a little chafed up in there," translated Meowth. "He means no offense. Just that it'd be understandable after all you've done today."

"You're tellin' me he really said _all that_ with one phrase?" Palutena queried, guzzling a _Burning DK _energy drink. "The answer is probably. But you've done a good job prepping me. I'm sure I'm game for another round, you adorable little Pika-dude.

She pet his cheek with her hand and let him suck on her fingers as he applied another coating of Chu Jelly to her entrance. As he worked his way into her, Palutena turned to look at Pit, who was currently hanging from the ceiling by the straps of his full-body bondage suit. So as to not mess up his hairdo, the hood was down and he had a ball gag in his mouth.

"Do you like what you see, my little angel?"

"MMmmmmph, hmmmppphhhh mmmmmfff."

"Saucy as always, my Goddess! Excuse me, little guy," Captain Falcon announced, squeezing through the horde of watching Pokemon, and lastly, Pikachu, with several draft beer steins in hand. This was probably the largest party he'd ever hosted on the _Falcon Flyer._

"Pika Pi!" / "He says, call him little guy one more time, and it'll be your last," Meowth translated.

_What a prima donna, _Falcon thought. "No offense intended, bro. Have a drink."

While Pikachu worked on maintaining a good rhythm while inside the Goddess, he chugged the beer like it was nothing. At the behest of the other Pokemon, the rock star-like mouse poured the excess foam onto Palutena's pussy.

Falcon held up another stein. "Uh, extra brew, anyone?"

Beating out Greninja, Septile, Blastoise, and Jigglypuff, Charizard gladly snatched the extra mug and guzzled its contents. The other mostly Water-Type Pokemon, many of whom were masturbating or awaiting their turn with the Goddess, began making threatening gestures at the Fire/Flying type.

"Hey, hey, there's plenty at the bar. Go to town on the Widmere and Guinness. Just… please. If y'all could leave at least a couple of Stella kegs for the return trip, I'd really appreciate—hey! Not everyone needs to go at once! Take turns, you animals! No running! Please! You'll throw off the engines! Watch that carpet! No, I'm plum out of American beer! Sorry! Gadzooks!"

Frustrated and wishing that his regular bartender didn't have the week off, Captain Falcon finally left the scene to enter the cockpit adjacent to the dining room. Little Mac and Ganon were waiting patiently, and Ganon's laptop was sitting on the dash.

"So, where's Ike and GW?" Falcon asked, closing the door.

"Topside. Guard duty," Ganondorf replied. Now that the three were alone with some brews, he flipped open the screen.

"What is it we're looking at again?" Little Mac asked Ganon.

"My dossier for all the Smash sisters. Check it out."

Little Mac took off his gloves to use the trackpad to cycle through Ganon's collection.

"Man, your hands stink!" reflected Captain Falcon.

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Mac replied, almost proud of the sweaty stench.

Ganon had filed the women according to a certain set of rubrics out of a scale from one to ten: parameters included Hotness, Sanity, Intelligence, Tenderness, Femininity, and Honesty.

"Honesty?" Captain Falcon laughed. "Good luck determining those stats with anything approaching accuracy. What is this even for, dude?"

"Promise me you won't laugh."

Captain Falcon and Little Mac both leaned in close.

"Cross my heart and hope to fly off the track and die in a twisted wreckage," said Falcon.

Not one to be one-upped, Little Mac pulled out a knife and carved out a long gash on his forearm, spurting blood on the cockpit floor. "I swear my sanctity by the zombified corpse of Saddam Hussein!"

"Holy shit dude, ya didn't have to go that far!" Ganon exclaimed as Little Mac's blood squirted into his eyes.

"Yeah, don't be bleedin' all over my baby!" yelled Falcon. "Someone grab a Pokemon we can use as a mop!"

"WAIT! UNF! Nobody touch that blood! I want Pit to lick that dry! AHH! Meowth, be a dear and untie him for me," said Palutena, who saw the whole mess through the door's glass porthole.

Meowth unlatched Pit from the ceiling and let him fall to the floor.

The leather-clad angel rolled his eyes as Meowth took off his ball gag. "But… milady…" he pleaded. "That's disgusting."

Palutena paused from lightly finger-fucking Pikachu's asshole while he was balls-deep inside her. "Did I stutter? Let me hear a 'yes, mistress'."

"_Le sigh_. Yes, mistress."

After holding open the door, Pit got down on all fours before the bloodstain. He bent over and began licking it up before the stunned trio of grown men.

* * *

Mega Man leapt off his Banzai Bill ride just as it careened into the missile, doing negligible damage.

The Super Fighting Robot landed on the spinning rocket with a _CLANK._ He magnetized his feet to latch sturdily onto the missile's steel exterior and pressed forward step by step, searching for a way to disarm it.

One of Slippy's badly aimed laser blasts just missed his feet.

"Hey, I'm walkin' here!" he yelled as the Arwing pulled a U-turn to assist the other fighters in battling the next wave.

After toasting several Glice enemies rotating around the missile, Mega Man used his Saw Blades to cut open what looked like a rear control panel.

"Ohhh, Princess Peach, won't ya listen to my speech?" he sang. "I may not have any stars of invincibility… but you're the brightest star in the sky tonight for me…"

(Mega Man's singing "Luigi's Ballad" by Starbomb. Check out the video on Egoraptor's YouTube!)

"BOOYA!" a creepy voice yelled from within the missile.

"GWAAAAHHH!" Mega Man exclaimed as a flying fist soared out of the opened hatch and knocked him back. He caught a quick glimpse of its owner – a large-nosed creature with fierce eyes.

"The fuck are you?" he cried in mid-air.

"DEATH SHALL BE YOUR FATE," the voice intoned once again. Disembodied fists and feet flew without warning or reason at the stunned android, knocking him to the ledge. "AND I SHALL BE THE DELIVERY BOY."

In his struggle for something to hold onto, Mega Man finally latched onto the nuclear tip. "Y-y'know... if you was tryin' to make a metaphor or somethin'... that doesn't actually make any sense. In fact, one might say it totally fell flat on its face. 'Course, I may not be the best English teacher out there."

Mega Man clambered back up to the top of the spinning cylinder only to come face-to-face with the very odd dude. Disturbingly, he had transformed into a completely different individual: one that was friendly, calm, and collected. The limbless humanoid was currently dribbling his torso like a basketball and whistling a tune, his eyes filled with a childlike joy.

"Were you saying something, stranger?" he asked. "Need a hand there?"

Mega Man ignored the guy's floating hand and pulled himself up. He raised his gun-arm at the zany creature. "That was… really fuckin' scary. The hell'd you hit me for?!"

The large-nosed freak took a break from dribbling his own torso and scratched his blonde hair. When he spoke, it was in a Canadian accent. "Ah. Sorry about that. That wasn't me. That was the _other _guy. He isn't very nice."

"Er. Right… Is he liable to comin' back out again?"

The purple torso guy furrowed his brow. "Unfortunately, he sure is. But some friendly conversation might keep him at bay."

"Well, until then, buddy, just keep me company. Maybe ya can help me disarm this deadly device, no pun intended. I'm Mega Man, by the way."

"Rayman! So glad to meet you! Stoked, even! The other guy isn't, though. He thinks you're a has-been. I apologize on his behalf."

The two men were approaching the missile's guidance computer.

"Ah. Well, that's too bad. But if there's one thing I've learned in the last twenty-four hours, it's that ya can't befriend everyone in the universe. Especially not talking foxes. The more ya try to please everyone, the more ya end up failing."

"Got that right! You've gotta have at least one or two friends, though. You'll start to lose your mind otherwise. Get anxious about things you've done. Regrets. Mistakes. The kind that leave trails. Entrails. Then you've got no choice but to question everything. Maybe you'll make another 'mistake'… just to quiet the voices… maybe a few of them. Or a dozen."

The blood-red eyes suddenly returned as Rayman's evil side ogled Mega Man like a meal to be devoured.

"Yes! I can very much relate to this thing you just said," said Mega Man, pulling out a Sonic Screwdriver and unlocking the CPU. "Them feels! I do b-b-believe we have grown closer in this short time. We're very sorta kinda a little bit alike, you and I. You, uh, seem the heroic type, too. One created out of a necessity to fight evil. Let me guess, you're flyin' solo as well. In search of Mrs. Right. And, er, I'm willin' to bet you've fought a lot of weird shit in your time."

"It's like you_ know_ me! OH YEAH! Tell me about it!" Rayman laughed, suddenly going all manic again. "That's the story o' my life. Creepy magicians. Evil pirates. Foul-tempered musical notes. Do you know what I love? Rabbids. NO! NO, I HATE THEM! EVIL ALIEN BASTARDS! HEY! HE THINKS WE'RE CRAZY! SHHHH! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Rayman then punched himself in the face repeatedly. Mega Man tried to keep focused on his task, but because of the missile's constantly shifting polarities, his magnetic hands were fumbling in the process of disconnecting several crucial wires. At last, he managed to short out the guidance system.

"Shhhh. Nononono. Be cool. It's okay. Observe your breathing," said Rayman. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and began to suck it. "Mmmmmm. Tell me a story, Gatchaman. Something without furry creatures or screaming. A story about a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Or maybe a super-hot Nymph, or a Fairy Orgy, or even your fantasies about that soulmate who doesn't know you exist and the softness of her skin and your plans to peel it off and wear her skin over you. SOMETHIN'! ANYTHING!"

"Er… um. Sure thing. Ya know. I got endless stories. Them women, they love me too much, if ya catch my drift. Haha. Whoosh. I mean, a heartthrob like me? Yeah, there's just too much ta choose from."

"STORY NOW," Rayman demanded, twitching. "CAN'T… hold him… back…"

"Um! UHH! Okay, like, this one time… I mean, my memory ain't what it used ta be, man. Mostly when I'm activated, it's to take down these evil Robot Masters, feel me. Almost all of 'em dudes, right? I mean, robot dudes. It's a sausage fest. But I'll never forget. There was a chick once… she was, like, a robot mermaid."

"Did she have a full-on trident?" queried Rayman.

"Yeah, G. A laser trident."

"That's pretty hot."

"Sure was."

"Did you get her number?"

"Um. Not really. I had to fight her. She was deactivated for a while. It was pretty dramatic. I think she's doing some modeling now, though."

"ISSS THAT SOOOO?" As it so happened, the deep, creepy voice returned, now in full force.

Mega Man trembled on the inside as Rayman gazed at him with his blood-red eyes.

Fortunately for him, in that instant, he managed to deactivate the detonator, and not a second too soon. The limbless abomination grabbed Mega Man with his large, white fist and smacked him up against the missile's CPU.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, NOOB?! That's what happens when you mess with other people's toys!"

But Mega Man eventually broke free of the grab. Now that the missile's detonator and guidance systems were dead, he used a Flame Blast to stun his opponent, rolled away from the opening, slammed the hatch against Rayman's face, and then leapt headlong into space.

"I may be many things, but a noob is not one of 'em!"

Rush turned into a tiny Jet, which Mega Man expertly space-surfed away from the scene. Only, he didn't count on Rayman's long reach.

The blonde berserker grabbed the android from forty feet away and yanked him back into an aerial kick, and then a charged-up sucker punch.

The Blue Bomber bounced on the floor and skidded over to the opposite side of the missile.

After regaining his footing, Mega Man stood and stared his opponent down.

"Playtime isn't over yet!" Rayman growled. "At least not until I void your warranty! I'm gonna chow down on your motherboard!"

"Ah! Wow, ya did it! You made an almost decent metaphor. I'm so proud of ya. Bring it on, beeswax."

_So it's no More Mister Nice Guy. I won't hold back, Rayman. I've got a date to make._

* * *

**II. The Game of Love**

A significant booming noise shook the Fairy Bottle chamber. Zelda convulsed from hypersensitivity as Link bit and sucked on her supple neck while fucking her rather gently.

"Ahhh… sounds like… a battle… maybe we should… get going…"

"Not until I finish you off again!" grinned Link, who already came twice.

"I… already came… like… six times… ah… now we just need to make you come again. I want your sperm in me, baby."

For it was semi-known among the Smashers that none of the women were capable of being impregnated. It was in some ways rather unfortunate in that regard, but at the same time it meant that protection was unnecessary for both sides… at least, until such time as an STD would be introduced in the mix. Thankfully, no such thing had reared its ugly head.

The princess rolled to the side, flipping Link onto his back, and then rode him cowgirl-style, placing her dainty hands on either side of his massive chest. She let him grab her ass cheeks and pound her as she rolled back and forth against him, teasing her clit.

"Ahhh, it feels like I'm being split in two," she moaned.

"That's what happens to anyone who dares to come into contact with my legendary member."

Taking control once more after a short break, Link pulled her all the way up his seven-inch length and back down again, hard and fast, until his balls couldn't take the pressure anymore. He went the extra mile and stuck a wet index finger up her behind.

"Oh baby," she cried as she reached another climax.

"I'm coming! HHYEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Link's eruption was so long-lasting and strong that Zelda was able to finish herself off just from grinding against him. The warm fluid gave her a feeling of ultimate completeness.

She collapsed at long last onto his chest in a mess of heavy breathing and sweat. Her hair was in tangles, and their mingled bodily fluids were now veering on the sticky side.

Zelda and Link both took a few minutes to just lie there in utter bliss.

The Princess' eyes were closed as she imagined that they were back somewhere familiar; Hyrule, perhaps. They'd be far away from all this insanity, free to do with themselves as they pleased.

_Only, would we? _She imagined it might not be easy for the castle-inhabiting Princess and the middle-to-lower-class Hero to discover one another, let alone spend the time to fall in love, or even find a discreet place to fuck.

_I'm not sure how succession works in Hyrule, but generally, aren't Princesses are supposed to marry Princes and keep the Royal interests in the hands of a precious few? But if I truly had the power of a Princess... couldn't I pass a royal decree? Couldn't I marry whomever I wished?_

She looked to Link, who was staring at the ceiling, no doubt zoned out, though he was stroking her hair ever so gently. Zelda took a peek into Link's thoughts, which were on an eerily similar tangent to her own.

_It's funny, just like that song, _Link thought. _Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone? I never really thought about this until just now, but I'm not sure I even want to go back to Hyrule. Not if Zelda and I can be together here, but not there.  
_

At this, she kissed him.

"Were you in my head again?" he scolded her playfully after seeing the warmth in her lustrous eyes.

"How could I not be? It was a sweet thought. I had to do something."

Link shrugged. "The thought itself was innocent, but... I mean, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but don't we have a responsibility to our people to protect them? Shouldn't we return, if ever we get the chance?"

"You've got me there. Somehow, though, I get the feeling that they're going to be all right without us."

"How so?"

Zelda smiled as she snuggled even closer to Link. "It's just a hunch. And usually my hunches are pretty good. Now, I've gotta pee pretty badly. And there's other people who are relying on us. So let's get up there and see what's happening before we get tempted again."

She used her magic to clean both of them up.

* * *

Melville pocketed Pac-Man's Super Scope energy ball and shot it back out at one of the Fighting Alloys, sending it far off the level.

"Resistance is useless!" yelled Pac-Man.

Polygon Fighters surrounded the Male Villager from either side. He used his shovel to bury two, and then jumped jauntily away, barely missing a deadly smash attack from a third. A slingshot pellet fired backwards stunned the forth as Melville made his way up the stairs.

Several Wireframes gave chase - a blurry mass of them. Melville could only try and hold them off as best he could as they advanced towards the second-to-top level (the Bedroom), where Ness was being held.

A strong kick from a Wireframe Fighter sent Melville rocketing back into the outer walls of the Fountain's dome.

_Was... was this what Lady Rosalina meant by 'Cruel' level fighters...?_

The Villager got to his feet, but the blood rushing to his head (and not to mention the high-pitched wailing) told him that he was in the middle of recovering from a concussion.

"We have incoming!" Rosalina cried from below, but Melville's bad lip-reading had him interpreting her phrase as "Keep me coming!"

Combined with her pained, sweat-drenched face and arched back, the Male Villager drifted off into a split-second romantic reverie involving himself, a significantly less-clothed Rosalina, Luther Vandross on the vinyl player, and a waterbed... that was rudely interrupted by a three-hit punch combo.

The Fighters knocked Melville against the dome. The poor guy rebounded into the air, where several Alloys juggled him nearly into oblivion. A dark lightning bolt emitted from his person as he flew far off the Observatory.

_No. It can't end here. To give up and allow Ness to be taken would be to betray the Truth-Seekers. I swore an Oath, and by golly, am I gonna keep it._

The Male Villager swiftly recovered. A millisecond after regaining his bearings mid-air, he hopped off a loose piece of debris, double-jumped, and rode a Lloid Rocket into the fray to deal a parting blow.

_If I'm on my way out, _he thought, _then please, whoever's listening, l__et me go out fighting. Let me die without betraying my friends._

But his plans of martyrdom were thwarted, extinguishing his sex-filled mental image of Valhalla. At the very sight of the Male Villager, the Wireframes turned tail and ran back to their yellow-bellied boss.

"Tha's all ya' got?" Melville screamed as he landed and pulled out his boxing gloves. "Ha! Cowards! Huh, what are you pointing at-?"

Just as the Male Villager thought he'd managed to disperse his opponents with the power of his visage, he spun around to face an incoming monstrosity.

_OH_, was all he could think, followed by _SHIIIIIIIT _a moment later.

* * *

The tinny ring of the cat-bell on Pit's collar and the lapping of his poor tongue made it impossible for Ganon, Captain Falcon, and Little Mac to ignore the submissive angel in the room, who was currently slurping up Little Mac's pool of blood like an innocent kitten.

"Man, you really put up with a lot from her," whispered Captain Falcon.

"I live to please my mistress," replied Pit, but his eyes seemed deader than they ever were before Palutena had arrived on the grounds. He sensed pity in the others' gazes, which only made it worse.

"Yeah, but everyone's got their limits. You gotta draw the line somewhere."

"True. But hey, that day hasn't come yet," replied Pit, who was now slurping a particularly sunken section up. "This relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust. The whole point is that we have pre-defined boundaries and use moments like this to explore our limits, which leads to further strengthening our bonds. Milady would never ask me to do something I'd be uncomfortable with."

"I wish I could say I understand," Captain Falcon replied. "But I really don't."

"Don't worry about it, Cap," said Pit. "That just means you're normal."

Ganon shrugged. "I don't like that word. 'Normal'. Aside from determining a videogame's difficulty level, it doesn't actually mean anything. Like, I don't think anyone is actually quote-unquote 'normal'. We all just agree to collectively pretend that we are."

"True dat," agreed Little Mac.

The three dudes looked back to Ganon's laptop, and then returned to size Pit up.

Little Mac's Scary Face was the most piercing, and his voice came out like a half-veiled threat. "We can trust ya to keep mum about whatever you're gonna hear, right?"

Pit nodded vigorously. "Of course! C'mon, I'm not that much of a square!"

"Shhhh, keep it down!" Ganon whispered intensely, and then took a deep breath. "I'm… I'm making a dating sim," he admitted.

Little Mac and Captain Falcon both did their best to hold back on the chuckling.

"You guys promised no laughing!"

Ganon downed his beer and stood up to walk away, but Mac and the Cap each grabbed an arm and forced him back into his seat.

"Whoa, whoa, man. It's cool, we ain't judging," Captain Falcon insisted. "Do tell."

Ganon triple-checked each of their gazes to ensure their earnestness. "So yeah. It's a visual novel. Still in pretty early stages. But basically, you're a Newcomer to the Smashgrounds… and you start forming relationships with each of the ladies. Decisions include whether to take it easy on them during battles or go all out, whether to take them out to dinner, and who to spend the most quality time with."

"Is it possible to get with the Wii Fit Trainer?" queried Little Mac, who'd always been a little interested in her.

"Glad you asked. It's difficult, but not terribly so. You've gotta push yourself in the fitness mini-games without passing out for the first few weeks. You also have to defeat the Male Fit Trainer in Competitive Yoga."

Pit blew a raspberry. "There's no such thing as Competitive Yoga!"

"There is now!" Ganon insisted.

"How about Cooking Mama?" asked Little Mac. "Can you get all saucy with her?"

"Huh. You know… I never even considered that possibility. We might be able to squeeze that in," said Ganon, penning some notes on a Notepad file.

"This is pretty impressive," admired Captain Falcon. "I can't wait till I get to play it."

"It'll be a while yet," Ganon replied. "Right now I'm mostly working on the scenarios. Diddy's helping me with the art. That primate's pretty productive with Photoshop. You guys oughta peruse his portfolio."

The other two guys nodded politely, but afterwards there was a terribly awkward silence.

"It's looking splendid, ol' chap. Good work, really," Little Mac said, breaking it.

But sadly, Ganon had already grown rather self-conscious about the whole thing, to the point of regretting even bringing his creation up. He folded his laptop up, put it away, and said no more. Instead, he brought out his Google Glass and watched the live feed of Palutena's Poke-orgy as Chibi-Robo was filming it.

Pit looked up from his bloody task with red stains around his lips. "Why so serious, Ganon the Cannon?"

"You guys must think I'm a real loser."

Captain Falcon put a hand on his shoulder. "Huh? C'mon dude, where is this coming from?"

"No, it's true," he said, eyeing the hand on his shoulder as if it were a spider. "And it's okay. I get it. I'm an _otaku_ geek who prefers fantasy versions of women to the harsh reality."

Little Mac stepped into the ring. "No one's judging you here."

"Except you. All of you. Look, it's not your fault or anything. Even if you're too polite to say it, I'm sure it's in the back of your minds. _Even I _would think I'm a loser."

"But you ain't!"

"Let's be real, here. I run a citywide business founded on hidden camera voyeurism."

Captain Falcon snapped his fingers. "That's what's so perplexing. I mean, don't get me wrong, home skillet. It's cool that you deliver the goods. But you're tall, dark, handsome, and powerful. If you really put yourself out there, you could have any chick you want. Hell, there's a _very_ willing woman the next room over, and you're _watching her on your digital screen_. What's up with that?"

Ganon shrugged. "The screen is the only thing that makes it bearable, Douglas. Without it, I'm naked. You guys don't understand. It's just not easy for me."

"I guess the struggle truly is real," Little Mac said.

Douglas Jay Falcon scratched his head. "Man, between you and Pit here… I just don't know anymore, man. Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned, 'Hey, miss, I like you. Let's go get some dinner,' and then a week later you're doin' the naked chicken dance-"

"ALERT! INCOMING DEBRIS!" the ship's computer bellowed.

"HOLY SHIT!" screamed Little Mac as a large piece of what used to be a Giant Robot smashed into the_ Flyer_, nearly knocking Ike and GW clean off the roof. "Guys, get inside!" he yelled over the speaker.

"You don't have to tell _me _twice!" Ike called back as he and GW descended the entry hatch into the cockpit.

Captain Falcon grabbed the controls, but the incoming debris field was all but impossible to navigate.

GW held up a sign and rang his bell. It read, 'LOOK OUT!'

Ganon ducked as a volleyball-sized piece of debris punched a hole right through the cockpit glass, creating a deadly vaccuum. GW bravely inflated his buttocks and shoved his bottom into the crack, clogging it up even as his cheeks throbbed against the pressure.

'You might wanna RUN!' he wrote on his Etch-A-Sketch.

"That ass won't hold for long!" Pit yelled, his mouth and clothes all bloody.

The guys dashed out of the cockpit, but despite the fact that Pikachu was porking Palutena, Ike couldn't take his eyes off of Pit's face.

The mercenary elbowed the angel. "Dude! Did your mistress just have her period, or-?"

Pit's eyes bulged. "No way, Jose! This is Little Mac's blood!"

Ike threw him a knowing smile. "Riiiiiiiiiiight."

The sharp remains of an Eggrobo sliced through the fuselage and decapitated a Lapras.

Captain Falcon suddenly took charge of the situation. "All right! Change of plans! The _Flyer_'s not gonna make it to the rendezvous point! All Pokemon, get in those Pokeballs! Pit, we're gonna launch in the _Blue Falcon_ – once the racer runs out of juice, Palutena's gonna give you the Power of Flight and send you to the moon. You'll be aiming the Pokeballs at those Generators on the map. Little Mac, you're comin' with us, so's you can guard Palutena if anything unexpected happens. Ganon, give him your Google Glass with all the waypoints."

"What about you guys?" Pit asked over the loud, pounding reverberations of Pikachu's nutsack and Palutena's shrill screams of ecstasy.

Captain Falcon looked to Ike and Ganon, and poor GW in the cockpit.

"Don't worry about us," said Ike. "We'll take Charizard, Lugia, and maybe Kyogre, if you've got 'em. Pikachu, I'd recommend storing your groupies in Pokeballs, for safekeeping. Comprende?"

The groupies looked rather worried, but Meowth reassured them with some sly thigh rubs.

"It's really spacious in there, ladies," the cat said with a wink. "In fact, y'all can hang out at my place. It's a pretty tricked out bachelor pad. I got all the classics. Lionel Ritchie. Marvin Gaye. Slayer. Plus I just had the bar re-stocked."

"Do you have any Sugar Ray?" asked the blonde.

"Wrong question," Meowth answered. He tossed her out of the service hatch. "Anyone else here like Sugar Ray?"

"Um, I... don't think so? Please don't kill me," the redhead replied.

Meowth brought out an Ultra Ball, which spaghettified the groupies into the size of _Polly Pocket_ figurines. He then joined them.

Out of nowhere, the entire room filled with static, putting everyone's hair on end.

"PIIIIIKA!" Pikachu cried in a fit of passion as he pulled out of Palutena and spurted his thick jism all over the Falcon Flyer.

"KA! KAAAA! KAAAAAAAAAAAA! CHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" he continued, his eyes bulging nearly out of their sockets.

For ten whole seconds, the white stuff erupted as if from a volcano. The gallons of space semen caused a general chaos among the many men gathered around. Somehow, the fluids weren't affected by the _Flyer's _artificial gravity.

"OH DEAR GOD!"

"THE HUMANITY!"

"AHHHH!"

"Lawl. You boys are such sissies," Palutena laughed, and pulled out a silly straw, which she used to slurp up every last drop of Pika-cum.

"That was some shocking sex," the Goddess replied once she'd swallowed the full load. "You've got the perfect nature, and all the right EVs and IVs. Remember how that nurse said something earlier about the Thunder being too intense after you pull off that Rain Dance? Fuck that bitch. She and that cop are amateurs. Keep that Thunder Wave, too. Don't change a single technique on your moveset. Although, maybe next time, you and Meowth could Double Team me-"

But she was Cut off by Pit, who'd caught 'em all (the Pokeballs, that is) and was dragging his mistress to the _Blue Falcon_.

Some Stalfos bones crashed through the walls, nearly knocking Greninja out cold. Pit quickly stuck his free arm out and drew the stunned Pokemon into an unused Great Ball.

"Milady, what are you doing?" Pit asked as Palutena found a comfortable position – in between Little Mac's legs in the tiny back seat.

"Ah…" he managed as she began stroking Little Mac above his shorts.

The whole scene was seriously agitating Pit, who was sandwiched rather uncomfortably in the tiny space between the newest couple and Captain Falcon. Making things worse, Chibi-Robo climbed onto the angel's head to get a better shot of the action.

"Can we go yet?" Pit groaned as Captain Falcon squeezed into the driver's seat and hit the ignition.

"Hey, uh, I think there's a Pokeball under my ass," said the Cap. "Can someone get that?"

Little Mac attempted to reach over but ended up accidentally pushing the button, releasing the Pokemon.

"Aw, fuck."

A Dratini popped out of the ball and began slithering around Captain Falcon's legs, prompting him to twitch from sheer ticklishness.

"AH! Oh man! Not behind the knee! I can't help it! AHHH!"

His foot slipped and floored the gas. Just as Little Mac's average-sized member was vacuumed into Palutena's black hole, the_ Blue Falcon_ suddenly shot out of the_ Flyer_'s hatch and zoomed towards the aerial blitz.

* * *

**III. Evil Ways**

"Those masked goons landed on the _Halberd_!" Falco cried. "And Toon Link's still scuffling with that _Virgin_ ship!"

"Leave them!" replied Olimar, who was currently tossing Pikmin from his Freighter to take care of some Tiki Buzzes (the flying Tikis from_ Donkey Kong Country Returns_). "We have Master Hand at six o'clock! Slippy, look out!"

Unfortunately, Nayru's Love was no help to Slippy or Sheik as Master Hand swooped in from behind them and crushed the Arwing in one bloody shot, completely bypassing the effect of Sheik's spell.

The remains of Slippy's disembodied, crushed head drifted around in the cold vacuum of space.

Picturing the tears of the large, overbearing family his old friend and mechanic left behind, Fox yelled like there was no tomorrow. "NO! That's impossible!"

"SHEIK! SLIPPY!" cried Falco. "We'll avenge you!"

"HAX!" Wolf belted. "That was a cheap shot and you know it! You Ominous Fucks aren't playing by the rules!"

"WH4T3V3R, B1TCH. W3 M4K3 D4 RUL35," a robotic voice intoned.

Fox did a double take. "An unintelligible voice… is that... ROB 64?"

"N3G4T0RY! MY N4M3 15 _R0B ONE_! 4ND MY TRU3 4LL3G14NC3 L135 W1TH TH3 GR34T35T C0NS0L3 3V4! _XBOX ONE_ 4 LYF! M1CR050FT H45 TH3 B35T 3XCLU5IV3S! H4L0 M4K35 M3 H4RD!"

"What's he sayin'?" screamed Fox. "Can he be reasoned with?"

"PWN4G3 TIM3. J00 N00B5 R G0NN4 B3 CRY1N' 4 UR M4M45! R0FFL35!"

"Thought I heard something about our mamas," Falco observed. "It's a delusional fanboy, far beyond the reach of reason."

Samus grumbled under her breath. "UGH! This battle is growing more ridiculous by the second! Forget what he's saying! We need to either take that ship, or bake it!"

"Or we could shake it," Olimar added. "But just a tad. So when the mood's right, we can still make it."

Falco interjected. "Then if we get pounded too hard, we can fake it."

"Sorry, but this is conversation offends me. I'm gonna have to break it…... up." McCloud said, putting on his Expert Mode shades.

"Such a killjoy, Fox!" cried Olimar. "You always gotta ruin a good thing! Always!"

_Tell me about it, _Fox thought. _If only I hadn't been such an idiot, maybe Samus would still be by my side… or maybe Krystal… OH GOD WHAT THE HELL! BARREL ROLL!_

After Fox dodged Master Hand's attempted slam attack, the giant fist then rocketed towards Falco.

The bird evaded the lethal attack with no time to spare, only to come face to face with a sight he never thought he'd see again.

While eliminating a gang of bogus bogeys, Fox finally saw the ship that Samus was referring to as well. It was the _OG Great Fox_ (_Star Fox Assault_ version), heading towards them at top speed with four flanking _Wolfen II _fighters providing support.

"How can this be?" McCloud fell into despair. "It's… a ghost ship… if that's where that Bizarro ROB is coming from... then w-w-who's piloting the _Wolfen_? Am I hallucinating? Someone wake me the hell up if I am, but that _Great Fox _is… it's not fucking real! I saw what happened with my own eyes! It was destroyed!"

Wolf banged on his console. "Fox, snap the fuck out of it!"

McCloud's fingers trembled at his controls upon seeing his former home resurrected.

"Ah. Right. Team, disperse!"

But they were way ahead of him. Falco had banked a hard left and was carving up Master Hand with some laser fire. Wolf followed suit but from the opposite direction, dividing the Hand's attention.

Meanwhile, a lithe, blue-and-white figure landed on Samus' gunship. The bounty hunter opened the doors and a familiar face descended the lift.

"Sheik! Glad you could drop in," quipped Samus, who immediately regretted the bad pun.

"Good catch, Samus. I'm sorry, Fox. I couldn't save him," Sheik said over the comm., her hair and outfit a toasted mess. She chomped down on a Maxim Tomato.

"You're alive, Sheik!" Falco exclaimed in relief. "That's all that matters."

"What matters is that my magic doesn't work against those Hands."

Fox wiped the sweat from his brow. "Did you say Hands? Like, as in the _plural_ form of Hand?"

Just then, a cloaked Crazy Hand took a swipe out of nowhere, knocking Fox McCloud's wings clean off his aircraft, leaving him with a pitiful single laser and shorting out his G-Diffusers.

"AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHH!" Fox screamed, and then nearly passed out.

"…Don't ever give up, my son," a sock puppet said in a terrible impersonation of James McCloud's voice, bobbing up and down on Fox's comm. screen.

"Faaaather?" said Fox, his head spinning.

"Follow me, Fox."

A fake holographic Arwing led him straight into the _OG Great Fox's _lasers.

"IT'S A TRAP!" Olimar screamed in his best Admiral Ackbar impression.

"FUCK! Must I do _everything_?" groaned Samus, and dashed in to knock Fox off-target with milliseconds to spare. The _Great Fox's _ultra-powered lasers missed their targets and took out one of the new _Wolfen II _ships instead.

"UNCLE AAAAANDROOOSSSS!" screamed a zombified Andrew Oikonny as his ship imploded, crushing him.

Wolf's ears perked at the familiar voice. "No… don't tell me… that's my team...?"

"Y35! 4ND UR N3XT, W0LF13!

"Not if I can help it!" Wolf belted, on a collision course with the_ OG Great Fox._

The _OG Great Fox_ then blasted Wolf's _Wolfen II _to bits.

Unseen to anyone else, at the very last second, Wolf had ejected himself and disappeared off the radar.

"E4T SH1T, F4LC0! K1N3CT 15 500000 MUCH SW4GG13R TH4N TH3 Wii U G4YP4D! U P1KD D4 WR0N6 5Y5T3M! L0LZ!"

"Wrong, _ese_! That ain't Falco!" King Dedede quipped over the comm., watching the whole scene from the deck of the _Halberd_.

While soaring through space and redirecting his trajectory via the recoil on his gun, Wolf spoke into his communicator. "Fox! Fly into the docking bay! It's mutiny time!"

"WH3R3 15 H3?" ROB One asked no one in particular. Its Defense Systems perked up as the _Great Fox_'s detectors spotted Wolf leaping into the lower docking bay, just below the lasers.

"HIT THE DECK!" Fox called.

Wolf dropped flat onto the floor. It wasn't a moment too soon, as Fox's Arwing came crashing in at an extremely low angle. The scrap metal popping out from its cucco-torn fuselage was a half-inch away from tearing Wolf's fur clean off his back. McCloud ejected from his cockpit, performed a wall tech off the ceiling of the docking bay, and landed unharmed beside his old nemesis with his pistol drawn.

Wolf O'Donnell smiled. "Seems you haven't forgotten how to make an entrance, McCloud."

Working together, Fox and Wolf swiftly took out seven waiting Aparoid Crawlers with their blasters and kicks, and juggled the remaining Pookas and Koffings before smashing them off the front of the ship.

From within the depths of the docking bay, a New Challenger stepped forth. It was none other than their friendly neighborhood dinosaur, Tricky the Earthwalker, the prodigal Protoceratops Prince of Sauria. He boasted a massive Vulcan cannon strapped to his back and was still wearing the sock puppet of James McCloud on his horn.

"FOX! It's me, ol' buddy, ol' pal!" Tricky exclaimed, trying to glomp Fox, who barely escaped with his life by rolling backwards.

"Er… Am I supposed to know who you are or something?" Fox asked.

"It's me! Tricky!" the dinosaur cried. "How could you forget? You made me an honorary member of your team! Slippy bought the farm, right?! That means I get a spot on the Smashgrounds roster, doesn't it?!"

"Uhhhhhh. That really isn't up to me, kid."

"NO FAIR!" yelled Tricky. "You promised, Fox! Gimme my Arwing!"

With that, the dinosaur began stomping all over the place, knocking both Fox and Wolf back. His Vulcan cannon fired at – and missed – the two pilots.

The mercenaries exchanged glances with one another. Both knew what needed to be done.

They juggled that big-ass dinosaur into the air, knocked him into each other's grabs, bounced him off the walls, and generally made mincemeat out of him.

"Happy feet!" Dedede yelled.

Samus inspected her visor. The dinosaur had reached **239%** in a record ten seconds.

"Wombo combo!" Popo joined the cheering as Fox tossed Tricky to Wolf, who performed a Wolf Flash and meteored him off the ledge.

The cheering reached a fever pitch as Tricky was eliminated from the battle. The Protoceratops disappeared in a shining star falling to the planet's atmosphere and in all likelihood burned alive in an excruciatingly painful manner during re-entry.

Fox cracked his neck and shoulder muscles. So_ long, Trucky. Or Tracy. Whatever. We hardly knew thee._

"OH! OH! OH MY GOOODDDD! OHHHH! OHHHH!" A familiar female voice cried over the television, riding out the explosion of hype from the escalating fever pitch.

"OHHHH!" contributed Popo, Peach, and Bowser.

"WOMBO COMBO!" Falco yelled, still pumped. "GET YO' ASS WHOOPED! …wait. Double-U. Tee. Eff."

The battle slowed to a halt as everyone with access to a screen turned to see Palutena riding Little Mac within the _Blue Falcon_ on the comm. channel. But the feed disappeared within a few seconds.

"Oops, sorry 'bout that," Ganon replied from atop Charizard, with Ike and GW visible beside him riding Lugia and Kyogre, respectively. Ganon switched off Chibi-Robo's live broadcast feed and dodged a flying Master Hand. "Carry on, gentlemen."

"WHERE YOU AT? WHERE YOU AT?!" cried Falco. He then caught a glimpse of the sex video, which gave him some pause. "Wow. What the FUCK was that?!"

"Yeah, what the fuck, man?!" Olimar demanded. "We've lost good people buying time for you guys, and this is what you're-"

"MY FUCKIN' DICK HURTS!" screamed Little Mac. "MAH DICK HUUURTS!"

Ganon chuckled. "Little Mac's dick is hard!"

"Oh. We're all a little bit hard right now," admitted Captain Falcon as his racer sped past both Master and Crazy Hand and approached Bowser's airship.

* * *

Princess Peach twiddled her thumbs as she checked the holo-map. "Hey, Bowser, um, not to rain on your parade or anything, but it sure looks like the _Blue F__alcon_ could use some covering fire. And Mega Man's in dire need of help-"

"I found him!" Bowser exclaimed. He was looking at a picture of Big Boss from pre-release screenshots of _Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. _"Time for some sweet, sweet revenge, Naked Snake! Muahahahahaha!"

Peach pursed her lips and jogged her memory. The dots weren't connecting. "Are you positively sure that's him? I don't exactly recall the eyepatch."

"At this point, I don't care if it's really him or not. I've gotta kill _something_!"

Just then the video screen lit up with a static-filled transmission. It was Ganondorf, riding atop a Charizard.

"Hello? Anyone there?"

"Yo, Ganon!" Bowser exclaimed. "What's up?"

The signal continued blurting in and out. "Missile… _Great Fox_… Rosalina…"

"SPEAK UP!" yelled Bowser.

"Solid Snake! _Great Fox_!" blubbered Ganon. "Your son's killer! He'sh… on… _Great Fox_… launched... missiles..."

Bowser began hyperventilating in a total rage. "Snake? SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEE!"

He spun his airship around from the front lines of the aerial assault and shot towards the missile-less _Great Fox_.

* * *

"Looks like Rosalina's got the missile in stasis! Hold on… is that… Puck?" Luigi wondered, squinting as Starship Mario drew closer to the Comet Observatory.

The Mario brothers were fast approaching the space station, and the Don needed to know if they ought to leap off and help or continue on towards the _Great Fox_. Neither Peppy nor ROB 64 were taking their calls, and those deadly missiles sure didn't fire themselves.

Luigi handed his brother a Bell power-up (for the Cat Suit). "Mario, you go inves-a-ta-gate the _Great a-Fox_! I'll see what's the deal-io with Pac-a-Man!"

"WHUH?" replied Mario, who was now guzzling a tank of gasoline.

"GODDAMNIT! ARE A-YOU TRYIN' TO BLOW US ALL UP?" Luigi cried. He grabbed the gas tank and tossed it off the spaceship, where it landed, unseen to the Don, on a pursuing Metal Gear Ray_._

"Ah, Luigi…" Mario pointed at the swiftly approaching missile-toting bipedal assault weapon.

The Don sighed. "It's really not a-my day."

Hollow point bullets erupted from the Metal Gear and peppered the space vessel. Mario's cape sent several back and Luigi shielded, but Lubba was hit in the torso and lost control of Starship Mario.

Mario tried to give Lubba mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but the Luma was twitching violently from the once-illegal explosive cap and coughing up pixie dust.

The portly plumber cringed and took off his hat in respect. "Mamma Mia… So long and farewell…"

"There's no giving up!" cried Luigi. He grabbed Mario, aimed him at the Metal Gear, and shoved two fingers down his throat.

Mario projectile vomited. His seemingly endless stream of sticky puke quickly stuck onto the approaching weapon. Luigi wasted no time in igniting it with his fireballs.

The flames covered the Ray, but did little damage. Still, it gave the Don some cover for what he was about to do next.

"Forget a-what I said!" Luigi yelled, and then used a Bell power-up, activating a Cat Suit of his own. "This fucker's serious! I need a-to take care of business! Protect Ness, Rosa, and that a-new guy! I'll meet you at the moon!"

"LUIGI! DON'T A-LEAVE A-ME!"

But Luigi had already gotten a running start. He performed a long jump from the helm's platform, circled around Starship Mario, and used the gravity boost to launch himself at top speed straight at the Metal Gear.

Mario, meanwhile, was stuck with the controls.

"Tell… Mama… I love her…" Lubba said, coughing out his last breaths. "Always have..."

"Tell her yourself!" cried Mario. "We're almost there!"

Lubba looked over the edge of the horizon. "Mario... if you could get me… to that missile…"

Mario pulled the Starship up towards the missile, but as they were being drawn in by the Observatory's Core, he could barely alter its momentum.

"C-c-close enough. Sayonara, old pal…" Lubba muttered. The Luma flew off Starship Mario, materialized into the first half of a miniature wormhole, and sucked in the missile.

* * *

"Neeeeeesssssss…"

"Huh?"

The kid blinked twice. On the television was none other than a very sickly-looking Porky Minch, laying in his Bed Mecha, a freaky-looking device with eight legs that made the portly geezer-child resemble an untreated corpse strapped to a giant cybernetic arachnid.

"FINALLY, we get through to mister snot-for-brains," he said in between whooping coughs. "No wonder we couldn't enter your mind. That helmet's a real pain in the tuckus, just like those goody two-shoes Truth-Seekers!"

"Good! I'm sick and tired of you and your evil buddies messing with my head!"

"How are _we _the evil ones? You're the bed-wetting fools who still haven't figured it out yet! Tell me, Ness, if they're your friends, then why did they tie you up and abandon you? They're afraid! Afraid of the power you hold... and they should be! They're holding you back! If you stick with those losers, you're gonna end up all alone."

"I'm not alone! They're my friends! Sheik, Zelda, Peach, Bowser, all of them... they helped me discover why I've been having nightmares. Lady Rose and Mel are out there defending me! I wouldn't even be like this if monsters like you weren't trying to use me as a weapon!"

"Trying? Man, you are like superbly stupid or something. Stupider than me, even. We succeeded a long time ago. You're our masterpiece. Come back to us, Ness. Embrace who you are, deep down inside."

"I think if anyone knows who I really am deep down, it'd be me... and not a mass murdering sociopath like you... you can't hurt me or my friends anymore, Porky! Now get off the telly!_ The Adventures of Pete and Pete_ is coming up next!"

"Your mistake was to think even for a second that you were safe from us. Why do you think television is called 'programming', dumdum? It's 'coz it's the ultimate form of mind control!"

At this, the channel switched to the Teletubbies, dancing in slow-motion. Only, their faces were melting into skeletons, and then ghosts, until, like the contents of several lava lamps tossed into a BlendTec blender, their family-friendly colors swirled into an eternal vortex of rainbow-splattered mush.

Dark whispers emanated from every speaker of the room's surround sound system.

"You will break those restraints and kill everyone, Nesssssss… you will destroy their minds from the inside out… and then you can join us for cake… mmmm… delicious cake…"

Ness fought against his restraints, and then fought against the side of him that was fighting against those restraints. He resorted to screaming to block out the evil voices now filling his every thought. "NO! GWAHH! No! No! Cut it out!"

"Kill them… kill them all… even the baby Pokemon…"

"I DON'T WANT TO KILL ANYTHING!" he cried.

"Too bad, numbnuts. You're our bitch now! I'm gonna beat you just like my dad beat me!"

"You don't HAVE to do this! There's no reason!"

"On the canary... we will all be doomed at this rate..."

"D-don't you mean 'contrary'?"

"Whatever. Killllll theeeeem aaaaallll..."

Ness banged his helmeted head repeatedly against the back of the couch, trying to knock himself out cold.

Just then, several things happened.

The _Blue Falcon _zoomed past the Comet Observatory with its precious cargo in tow.

Two stories below, Melville landed his Lloid Rocket and was yelling for the retreating Fighting Wireframes and Polygons to fight him.

Lubba's final act was to open up the other side of the wormhole, sending the deadly missile back towards the moon's central station.

Freed from having to hold back the _Great Fox_'s missile, Rosalina and her Lumas collaborated to form a Luma-shield to protect the Observatory's core.

Oh, and Starship Mario practically crashed through the Bedroom, took out the television completely, and mowed down half of the Observatory before splitting apart against Rosalina's shield.

The planetoid's moustache flew like a boomerang across the Observatory and sliced the Subspace Generator and half of the Fighters into bits.

Ness shut his eyes, and was practically flummoxed when Mario came a-rolling out from the wreckage a drunken mess. Painful crackling ensued as his bones worked on reforming themselves.

"M-Mario? Are you all right?"

"Th-at schwas... aaah perfect landing," Mario mumbled, slurring every syllable. "Tenouttaten!"

His motor skills completely shot, Mario flopped onto the floor before the boy and tried to stand up. He then collapsed and began to snore.

"Mario! GET UP!"

Mario Mario eventually was able to push himself up against the wall and use it as leverage to get himself at least sort of standing. He grabbed the keys to Ness' restraints and managed to toss them, rather poorly, at the kid.

As Ness began to unstrap himself (leaving on the helmet), Mario burped the opening bars of the "Bob-Omb Battlefield" theme song in between a bout of hiccups, and then pulled out his flask.

Ness gently placed his hand over Mario's flask. "I... I think you've probably had enough tonight."

"GET YOUR HANDS OFFA MY ALKIE!" Mario cried, and then bit Ness' fingers down to the bone.

"Sweet Baby Ruth! AHHHH! Fine! Have your drink!"

But before Mario could take his next swig, the Smashers witnessed Rosalina being launched towards them.

The Mother of Lumas managed to influence her aerial direction enough to land in between Mario and Ness, who caught her.

She rubbed her aching head, and took a minute to reflect on the destruction of her Interstellar space station. "My home... what happened...?"

"Mario happened," replied Ness. "You're badly hurt, Lady Rosalina. Here, have my Maxim Tomato."

Rosalina gratefully munched on the healing item. "I guess it can't be helped... I can rebuild. But that Pac-Man... he plays real dirty..."

"Rosa! Where's that other guy?"

Covering her face, Rosalina turned away from Mario's huge mouth; his breath was rotten enough to stop an army.

"Mel- um. Wow, that stinks. Melville needs our help. He's still out there. W-w-when's the last time you brushed your teeth, Mario?"

"My teeth? Huh? You mean, a-like brushing your hair?"

Ness and Rosalina exchanged horrified glances, but Mario just scratched his head.

"Seriously? What is a-this concept of teeth brushing? It is un-a-known to a-me."

_That's it! _Rosalina realized.

"Aha! Mario... your deadly breath...that might just be enough to stop Pac-Man."

"That's a bingo! Yipee!"

"But Puck doesn't have a nose," said Ness.

"Hmmm. Then maybe we can blind him with the toxic vapors," said Rosalina. "Mario, just follow my-"

Only, the plumber had disappeared. Both Ness and Rosalina looked around, to no avail.

"Mario!" Rosalina cried as she spotted him drunkenly hopping away - not to mention falling and hitting his head multiple times - on his way to challenge Pac-Man on his own.

"Yah! Woohoo! Yippee!"

_Good luck, Mario,_ thought Rosalina as she and Ness followed him down to the lower levels. She said a silent prayer to whatever Gods that were for help; hopefully they were higher-up than those Ominous Voices._ That Puck is tougher than he looks._

* * *

Luigi Mario clambered atop the exterior of the Metal Gear Ray, leaping and dodging to maintain his balance and using his Cat Suit's claws when necessary to maintain his hold on it.

He finally made it to the cockpit at the head of the beastlike manned assault weapon. Using his claws and exerting an extraordinary amount of strength, he pried the hatch open, but nothing prepared the Don for what was awaiting him.

There was no one inside. The pilot had disappeared.

Then someone tapped on Luigi's back. He spun around, only to absorb a mallet to the face. The solid hit sent him flying from the cockpit and into deep space.

But Luigi rebounded by latching onto the Ray's hind legs and clawing his way up to the creature's back.

_Did I just see what I thought I saw? Mother of mercy..._

Halfway up to the cockpit, a paper airplane came gliding down and bopped him in the nose. It then unfolded into a two-dimensional creature that bore a certain resemblance to Mario.

"Woohoo!" came the familiar voice. It was Mario, all right. Just not Mario as the Don had ever recognized him.

"Have you a-come to play, my three-dimensional brother? I've been a-so lone-a-ly without you."

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks so much for reading! If you've made it this far, I seriously appreciate it!

I was totally dreading this chapter since everyone's split up and there's so much going on, but _there will be an end to this battle_! Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy writing action scenes, but what with all the characters involved, this first arc has already taken on a life of its own. The Trip to the Moon is WAAAY longer than I originally intended it to be. As always, I'm very open to comments and any and all criticisms and suggestions! :)

What did you like or not like? How's the humor or lack thereof? Is anything getting repetitive? Anything you miss? Please feel free to let me know and hopefully I'll have more for you by this time next week!

If you're having a hard time understanding ROB ONE's rubbish, feel free to search up a "leetspeak translator".

And just in case if you found the whole "Wombo Combo" thing confusing, it's from a Competitive Melee video that exploded on YouTube way back when. It's worth checking out, unless you hate fun or something. ^^


	19. Knockin' on Heaven's Door

**A/N:** Thank you all for your patience! Very glad you guys are cool with the longer chapters. Sorry this update was a little late. As I mentioned before, IRL is kind of a drag, which may explain why this chapter leans more on the dramatic side. There's a lot of story stuff going on. Even so, hopefully y'all enjoy it! :D

**sippurp123:** Wow! That you consider this is among your favorite Smash fics means SO SO much to me! I will do my best to live up to that standard. :D If it seems like I'm being harsh on myself, it's because I'm a perfectionist who's always looking for ways to improve. It's my goal to one day be a published author. Thanks so much for your reviews as always, they really really inspire me!

**Guest:** Thanks for your review, and for reading! Hope you enjoy the update!

**Anyone:** Very glad you liked the ending to the lemon! It's a lot of fun to write Zelda/Link. But as you'll see in this chapter, they won't be the only romantic couple in this story. :)

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

**Knockin' on Heaven's Door**

**I. Seven Nation Army**

As King Bowser's airship approached the _Great Fox_, his bloodthirsty mood gave way to a calmer demeanor. On the surface, yes, he looked absolutely furious. But deep down, something was set in stone for him now, and it was this: whoever killed his only son and heir was going to die.

Spurred on by that finality, Bowser's mind had achieved a sort of peace.

He watched out the porthole at the flight deck as Peach smacked away several of the Mettaurs and Redeads gaining ground towards the bridge. Even after countless waves, the invaders were increasing in strength. After just two minutes in the hot seat, she was already being overwhelmed. Half of the airship's cannons were now destroyed, with the jets barely functional.

"Yoshi?" (Sir?)

Bowser turned from giving orders to his fleet to see the green dinosaur offering him a freshly brewed mug of coffee.

"Thanks," he managed, and downed it like a shot glass. "But shouldn't you be out there fighting instead of trying to suck up to the captain?"

"Yoooshi…" (Do I have to?)

Peach was knocked back hard and slammed against the outside of the captain's cabin. She stood back up and her shattered skull re-formed itself in time for her to shield against some stray laser fire.

"There's no one else, soldier! The Fit Trainers and Wario are missing, and just look at those two!"

Bowser pointed at the two primates, who were benched on the bridge's huge sectional sofa; Diddy was regenerating his fur from severe burn wounds while Kamek fed Donkey Kong some bananas.

The reluctant Yoshi swallowed his pride. He inched towards the doors to the deck, but once he felt Bowser's death glare staring down his thin and rather easy-to-strangle neck, he injected a spring into his step, swallowed, and held a shaky hand in front of the handle. Upon seeing an approaching horde of goombas, however, his fear got the best of him. He hid in an egg and tried to roll away.

"Useless!" Bowser yelled, kicking the dino aside. "It's true what they say, if you want something done…"

He pushed open the door and toasted the approaching enemies.

"Get off my airship!"

He used a drop-kick (front-smash) to send three Redeads soaring off his flagship, and watched as Peach reflected a thrown homerun bat, which knocked the thick metal shield off an approaching GEATHJERK Hoedown Tank. Bowser walked up to the deadly vehicle and, with Peach's help, smashed it to bits.

Princess Peach looked nervously to her old friend and colleague, whose fighting skills had reached a whole new fractal. He was killing effortlessly. The fire in his eyes, she noted, granted him a resemblance to a certain Captain Ahab. Only, it wasn't a white whale they were after, but a Gray Snake.

"Back inside with you," Bowser told her. "Heal up, Peach."

"But you're alone out here."

"I think these are the last of 'em," replied Bowser as he melted three approaching Like Likes.

At last, there was a short break. Kamek came out to bring out some Maxim Tomatoes to recover their percentage. The cuts on Bowser's thick skin began to heal, and Peach's bruises gradually disappeared.

There were no arenas here in space, and therefore no edge limits – if anyone flew off the ship, in all likelihood, they'd be floating in dead space for quite a while.

From a bit of a distance, Mega Man whizzed by atop the now non-deadly missile; he was engaged in close combat with Rayman as the rocket made its way towards the moon's surface.

_Thank you, Mega Man,_ thought Peach._ We'll find you before this is over._

Though her dress was torn and her face covered in oil and guts, she fought on.

"Seriously, Princess. Let me handle this for now. Just make sure we're on target. I want to face that vile human _mano a mano_."

"Are you sure? He's an assassin. Probably the sneaky type. He may not share your sentiment for hand-to-hand combat."

"If it gets hairy, then send me a Smash Ball. I'll give you the signal."

Peach nodded. "Gotcha."

As she entered the bridge, Metal Yoshi hurriedly brushed past her and joined the fray, armed with a Franklin Badge and a beam sword. A smile crossed Peach's lips upon seeing the dino do something useful for once.

She walked on over past DK, Diddy, and Kamek to the main console and prepped a Smash Ball on the item queue.

"What have we missed?" a familiar voice sounded out.

Ignoring the Toads working on mending her frayed and burned dress, Peach spun around to see Link emerging from the hallway carrying a crate of Fairy Bottles.

Zelda wasn't far behind him. The Princess of Hyrule didn't need her powers to sense the rather hostile atmosphere now engulfing the room.

"I don't know _where_ you've been, but-" Peach started.

"No. You do," said Zelda, reading her mind. "And I'm truly sorry. It seems… we've lost some good people."

The Hylian's apology was completely heartfelt. Even at her most furious and sexually frustrated, Peach couldn't bear to hold a grudge against her best friend. However, she could still act passive-aggressively towards her.

"People who didn't need to die," Peach replied bitterly. "Peppy and Slippy… they're _dead_."

"How could this be…?" Zelda replied. The depth of her empathy towards Peach's inner pain and fears had her shaking. She grabbed onto Link's arm.

"Talking about the deceased isn't going to bring 'em back," said Link, placing the crate of Fairy Bottles on the floor. "I know it's harsh, but that's war for you. We're here now. We'll do what we can."

"Argh! We could use some help out here!" Bowser boomed from the cannon deck.

"I'm on it!" Link replied. He tossed Zelda a look before heading out the door.

_Don't lose your cool, honey_, he transmitted to her._ We both know she's in the right. _

With the door closed, the atmosphere in the room was changed.

Peach dismissed her tailor Toads. She sighed and sat up against a counter. "Maybe we never should have left the Grounds. We had it easy there. We were living in peace."

"Yes, but we were living a lie."

"And just how many people are worth sacrificing to get the truth?"

Zelda crossed her arms. "Sacrifice? I'm not the one killing them! Could _you _have predicted this?"

"No, but that's beside the point. You're the one who entered Ness' mind in the first place. Your ability set these events into motion!"

It was true, all of it. "Peach, we both know I didn't mean for all this…"

But the Princess was turned away, leaning on the holographic console, clutching her crown in hand as tears erupted from her eyes.

"It doesn't matter what you meant or didn't mean! This whole mission was your responsibility, and where were you? Doing your boyfriend in the back room!"

Zelda nodded. There was no arguing with this. "You're right, Peach. I can't atone for the lives lost. But now that I'm here, all I can do is my best. Will you join me?"

She approached and offered her hands. Peach took them, and felt Zelda's pulse. It was steady and calm, like the Hylian princess always appeared to be. From the warm contact, Peach was able to slow her own racing heart.

Peach exhaled deeply. Her emotions finally having been given form, she allowed herself to calm down immensely. As far as the princess could recall, it was a rarity for her to speak her mind; usually she'd keep everything bottled in. "Th-th-thank you. I just needed to get that off my chest."

"And I'm glad you did."

_All this was never supposed to happen, _thought Peach._ I woke up this morning ready to have a lovely picnic. Now we may not even make it out of this alive._

"We may yet," Zelda replied, giving her bestie a big hug. "It's not over 'till we confront those Ominous assholes."

_Try as I might, I can't be upset at you, Zelda. That Link of yours is hawtness personified. I might well have done the same in your shoes._

"Hey, honey," Zelda said softly. "There's no need to go that far. You're right, I should have known better. Come on, let's go help Bowser."

* * *

Surprisingly, Marth was still alive. Steam evaporated from his body, indicating that he wasn't far from being knocked beyond the point of no return (he seriously doubted that the _Halberd's _usual KO limits were in play).

But Bayonetta's attacks were failing to connect. He'd been successfully keeping her at bay with careful maneuvering.

Popo was at the edge of his seat, but Dedede was caught in a dilemma.

_Fo' reals, though. Meta's prolly never defused nothin' outside of _Counter-Strike_. He needs help, but mah peeps here in danger, and dem big-headed foos be ready to fuck some shit up. What would Batman do in a sitch like this?_

_Hold up – if what Meta said earlier's true 'bout dat glass not hurtin' me none, maybe we Smashers can't die. Slippy and Peppy ain't on the roster, but we is._

"Yo, Popo, just had me an 'epiphany'. We got nuttin' to fear but them Hands makin' us braindead."

Popo wondered at this. "Well, there is the possibility of being stranded in space with no way of return."

"Nah, bro. All ya gotta do's push offa somethin' in the right direction and yo' momentum will kick ya back to the surface. Das physics, G. Anyways, I reckon we Smashers be all immortal and shit."

"I think that's already been established. Your point being?"

"Dat we oughta help Meta smoke that wack-ass roach. 'Specially since Crazy Hand 'bout to be all up in his grill."

_It's true_, Popo realized, spotting the twitching white Hand firing upon Meta-Knight with its long-range fingertip lasers.

"Fair enough. But how?"

Dedede put a hand down his throat and pulled out a jetpack, which he swallowed earlier and was saving for emergency purposes only.

"Gross, dude."

"Foo, you ain't the one wearin' it. Now climb on mah shoulders and we'll jet. Literally."

"This is a stupid idea," argued Popo.

"Nah, my plan is off the hinges. You tryin' to cramp my style?"

"I'm simply doubting your sanity. We're both really high right now."

"That's the secret. We always high. And we ain't dead yet. Da's why dis can't _not_ work."

The ice climber sighed. "I guess your double negatives make a convincing argument. Lead the way."

The penguin watched from the corner of his eye as Marth sent Bayonetta flying into her own team members. It was just the distraction they needed.

_Aight, Bruce. You best save your homeboy a good seat at the buffet table in heaven. Or hell, whatevs._

Dedede strapped on the jetpack, grabbed Popo, and shot up towards the missile.

On the lower deck, Bayonetta finally caught Marth in a cross-up. She followed up two slashes with a Wicked Weave kick.

Mirroring Cereza's launch, Marth flew across the deck of the Halberd and landed in the pile of leftover Duon parts.

"You owe me fitty coins, kid," Dedede laughed.

Popo growled. "Not yet!"

Wonder-Goggles caught the Smashers escaping. "Guys! They're getting away!"

"There's no escape from the long arm of Galactic justice!" Wonder-Red announced. "Wonderful Ones, let's make chase! UNIIIIIIIIITE GUN!"

Aside from Bayonetta, the other Wonderful Ones' CENTINEL suits formed into a giant Super Scope, which fired several bunched-up people at the missile.

Bayonetta paused to gaze up at the rising jetpack, and then turned to Marth, who'd freed himself from the wreckage. He briefly checked out what was happening and then returned to confront his opponent.

"What's this?" she asked. "You're not going to join your friends?"

"You come first, miss," Marth said in Japanese. "It would be ungentlemanly of me to leave you here alone."

"A noble to the very end. And here I thought I could bring out your wild side."

Bayonetta went for a Heel Slide, but Marth leapt over it and caught his opponent's retaliating slash in a Counter, which was followed up by a punishing Shield Breaker. The Umbran Witch spun in a mid-air corkscrew after the strike and landed several meters back.

"Well-read. So you're a scholar as well as a gentleman."

Next it was Marth's turn to move – his dash attack missed, but his forward-tilt connected. A follow-up hit never came, though – the Witch's Stiletto move took priority, and she was able to combo her opponent a number of times before he broke free and punished her with a forward smash.

From their matching steam levels, Cereza deduced that she was just as damaged as the prince.

"We've reached a stalemate," said Marth, as the two began circling one another.

"So we have."

Meanwhile, several hundred feet above the _Halberd's _deck, King Dedede tossed Popo onto the slowly approaching missile.

"What are you doing?" Meta-Knight cried, air-dodging Crazy Hand's rocket punch and landing atop the warhead.

"Liberatin' yo' ass!" yelled Dedede, who let loose a fully-charged Jet Hammer on the Hand, stunning it for a few seconds.

"Incoming!"

Meta-Knight yanked Dedede away from the shockwave as the Unite Bullet smacked into the missile.

Wonders Red, Blue, Green, Pink, Yellow, White, Black, and Goggles all emerged from the Bullet, along with Wonder-Socho and Wonder-Cheerleader.

Unable to resist, Wonder-Red opened his mouth and words came out. "Why, if it isn't one half of the Ice Climbers duo, Popo, joined by the self-proclaimed King of Dreamland-"

"Hurry!" Popo yelled. "Let's get him while he's still monologue-ing!"

One of Dedede's thrown Gordos smacked Wonder-Goggles in the face. Wonder-Blue dashed in with his sword to attack Dedede, but simply bounced off his belly.

"Dude's… too fat…" he mumbled.

"Never mind the intros!" Wonder-Red cried. "UNITE HAND! WHOA!"

Just as the ten Wonderful Ones banded together into a large red fist, the missile shook and spun at incredible speed. Crazy Hand had grabbed the tip and began swinging it around like a madman with a cricket bat.

"Swing, batter, swing!" yelled Popo, who was enjoying the ride. He stuck an anchor for his climbing rope into the missile. With the other end hooked onto his waist, he slid down for Dedede to grab a hold. The swinging rope then smashed into Meta-Knight, and then Wonder-Red's Unite Hand, which latched onto the end.

"Cut the rope!"

Meta-Knight tried to fulfill Popo's request, but it was all his tiny hands could do to hold on. Meanwhile, the ten Wonderful Ones had disbanded their Unite Form and were climbing their way up to fight them all at once.

"Fuckin' cut it!" Popo yelled.

"I'm trying, goddamnit!"

But it was to no avail; in the following second, Crazy Hand finally let go of the now very battered missile, tossing it straight back at the _Halberd _again.

Popo climbed up atop the rocket, burning himself on its jets. As his facial skin regenerated and his parka burned off, he helped Dedede up and they proceeded to smash the missile with everything they had.

However, after a deafening _BANG_, Popo grabbed at his chest – he'd just been shot (multiple times) by Wonder-Green's gun (Christine Daae). The ice climber's blood splattered all over Meta-Knight, nearly blinding him.

"Take zat, you beady-eyed minority!" Wonder-Green cackled.

At this point, the missile was about to smack right into the _Halberd's _deck. Thankfully, Meta-Knight had a plan. He slashed one of the missile's jets clean off just as it approached, sending it spinning off-course.

On the deck, Marth dodged the charging attacks of Bayonetta's Panther Within and leapt to higher ground, attempting to get closer to the missile. He bore an item under his arm.

"Pengin-san!" he yelled.

In a moment that seemed to last a lifetime, Dedede spotted Marth tossing the item at him, and ran as fast as his stubby legs could carry him across the missile in a direction opposite to its spinning. He grabbed the X-Bomb just as the nuke whirled away from the _Halberd_.

"Got it!" Dedede was happy as a crunked-out clam. "Shit, I actually caught it!"

His excitement didn't last long. Crazy Hand swooped in and poked him in the back, nearly shattering his spine. Dedede barely made it, landing near the missile's jets just as its guidance computers readjusted its course. It made a sharp turn and swooped back around for a second pass at the _Halberd._

"Dedede!" called Meta-Knight. From all the spinning, his wings were badly tangled in Popo's rope. "Gimme the X-Bomb and get Popo out of here!"

"Whu-? What about you?"

Meta-Knight absorbed a rather painful shot from Wonder-Green's gun. "I've got a plan! Hurry!"

"Naw, G! If I was Batman-"

"But you're not. _I'm _the Batman. And I'm the hero the Smashgrounds deserves, but not the one it needs. Be strong, my main man."

Dedede pulled the rope closer. "I ain't leavin' yo' ass!"

"GO!" Meta-Knight yelled, activating the X-Bomb.

"Sweet Baby Luigi!" Dedede exclaimed, quickly grabbing the bleeding Popo and performing a Super Dedede Jump off the missile to land atop the Combo Cannon. They dropped down the side of the giant artillery to hide from the impending explosion.

"What's that?" Wonder-Red asked. "It's… so bright… so vivid… could it be…"

"A double rainbow?" exclaimed Wonder-Pink.

Wonder-Blue sighed. "Naw, bros. It's an X-Bomb."

"_Merde,_" said Wonder-Green.

"It was an honor, comrades," said Wonder-Yellow.

The remaining Wonderful Ones and even Bayonetta and Marth paused to take cover as the X-Bomb activated the nuclear missile. The light of a thousand suns swallowed Meta-Knight, the CENTINEL leaders, and the missile. In one defining instant, they were no more.

"M-M-Meta…" Dedede trembled. He took off his hat as a token of respect and cried into it. He wished upon a star that his friend's theory was true, and that no Smasher could actually be killed.

"He's… still alive," said Popo weakly, pointing upwards as his chest began to heal itself.

Sure enough, the pieces of what used to be Meta-Knight reformed into a whole again, and he used his Drill Rush move to inch closer to the _Halberd_, coughing all the way.

"Man, that was intense."

"I knew you'd make it!" cried Dedede. "Nobody kills the Batman!"

And then a hundred feet away, Crazy Hand swooped in, grabbed Meta-Knight, and crushed him.

"NO!" Dedede yelled, leaping upwards to help his friend, but even his Super Dedede Jump couldn't provide the vertical distance he needed. Popo, who was riding on the penguin's shoulders, leapt off him with a footstool jump and just barely landed his grappling hook onto Crazy Hand's pinky.

"Let him go, you fuckin' bully!" Popo yelled. He clambered onto the Hand and began smashing it. Crazy Hand, however, just flicked him off, sending the Ice Climber flying off in dead space towards the planet.

"AHHHHH!"

After landing again, Dedede lost his balance and fell against the cannon a blubbering mess. _Fuck… Meta-Knight… I'm sorry, bud…_

"Popo! I'ma come get ya!"

Motivated by someone he could actually save, the King of Dreamland picked himself up and ran towards the bridge to rescue his friend.

For a brief moment he glanced sideways at the Wonderful Ones, who were rather stunned and aimless now that their International leaders had been summarily eliminated.

"What do we do now?" Wonder-Wonderland asked.

"Well, first things first, I think we should have a drink," replied Wonder-Beer, who cracked open a massive cooler. "There should be enough for all of us."

After all ninety-one remaining CENTINELS toasted, Wonder-Santa took a large gulp. "You know, I'm kind of sick of all this fighting and cosplaying."

"Me, too," said Wonder-Shopping. "Um, are any of you guys actually, like, getting paid for this?"

Everyone kind of looked at one another and shrugged.

"This is a big, stinky load of suck," Wonder-Toilet said. "Let's take the _Virgin Victory _to the surface, hop the next train, and find us a good lawyer."

"I know a guy," replied Wonder-Zombie, who pulled out his phone and dialed the Fey. and Co. Law Offices.

"Roger!" announced the Wonderful Ones in unison.

Thanks to Crazy Hand, Meta-Knight was being crushed alive past the point that his brain could process the pain. The agony was so intense that each second seemed to last an eternity.

Then something within the mysterious man's own perception snapped. The torment he was going through gave way to a feeling of complete numbness as his nervous system's regeneration, having been pushed to its absolute limit, failed completely.

_What's this? _Meta-Knight wondered. _It's like… I'm no longer in control of my body. Is this what happened to Lucario and DK? Then that means… they're still in there, somewhere… but they just can't express themselves. _

With its task now finished, Crazy Hand tossed Meta-Knight at the _Halberd_, where he smashed onto the deck a twisted mess. Try as he might, he was unable to move. His body stood on its own and paced without his consent before deciding to plop back down and just kind of sit there.

_Does that mean I'm stuck like this? _

_Shit._

_Now my ass is itchy._

_Fuckin' A. Maybe death would have been better._

_Get up! _He thought, watching Bayonetta and Marth continue their seemingly never-ending brawl.

_Ugh. It really is useless._

Meta-Knight resigned himself to watching, and caught more than a few glimpses of Bayonetta's smokin' bod.

_Well, hey. Let's look on the bright side. At least the view isn't bad._

* * *

Lugia's Aeroblast cleared the way for the three Pokemon-riders, who were now flying in a V-formation towards the moon. The _Blue Falcon _was already far ahead of the trio, making its way to the final stretch.

Now that they'd passed the debris field, a horde of Piranha Plants invaded the riders. Game and Watch's fiery smash attack, Charizard's flamethrower, and Kyogre's Ice Beam made short work of most, but one latched onto Lugia's neck and drew blood. Ike quickly slashed him off with Ragnell.

"You okay, big guy?" asked Ike, who tossed his ride a Lemonade.

"Yeah, it's cool," Lugia replied telepathically. He caught the can in his mouth, chomped on it, and then spat out the crunched aluminum.

With all the chaos, Ganon was having a hard time checking his tablet. He addressed his two new cohorts. "Hey, can you guys guard me for a second? I'm trying to figure out who else that Snake guy has on his squad."

Ganondorf tapped into the _Great Fox's _camera system on his tablet. Snake, it appeared, wasn't alone. Several other beings were stepping out of a portal that might have been a Subspace Generator, but it was tough to tell with all the static flying around. There were about ten of them, and at least two looked very familiar.

_Man, this really isn't looking good for Bowser. The question is, should we turn around and help him, or continue on and try to guard the _Blue Falcon_? Damn…_

"Bummer."

"What is it, Ganon?"

"It looks like we're facing Sophie's Choice here."

* * *

**II. I Fell In Love With A Girl**

While standing atop the bridge of the retrofitted Cornerian Assault Carrier _Great Fox _(now known as _Great Fox 2 _to avoid confusion), Solid Snake offered Dark Samus a cigarette, but the alien life-form took one long, confused look at him before turning away.

_Heh. This carbon copy is nothing like the real thing. Still, I wonder what's underneath that helmet._

"Not a very talkative one, are you?"

But Dark Samus merely shrugged and gave him a cold glare. "I'm nothing like _her_, if that's what you mean," it said in an otherworldly voice.

"Hmm?"

"Why dost thou playeth dumb, Gray?" another man asked Snake, in thick, Edo-period Japanese. "It beith common knowledge thou hath history with the wench."

Snake darted his eyes towards Takamaru, who walked up and took the cigarette.

"She isn't a wench. Have a little respect."

"Hath thou a light that I may proffer?" the katana-wielding samurai asked.

After whipping out his Zippo, Snake motioned for the samurai to lean in. As he did, though, Snake deftly yanked the cigarette back into his own hands, like a magician.

"Presto!"

"Aww, cometh thou on, man!"

"Wanna see my next trick?" Snake asked. "I'm gonna make four of my fingers disappear."

He then gave Takamaru the finger. "Try asking next time."

"I bite my thumb at thou! It is plain to see why Lady Samus dumped thy arse."

"Thinketh whatever thou wilt, Mr. Assist Trophy. It was more complicated than that."

Takamaru shook his head. "So spake every arsehole in history."

By this point, almost every other member of Snake's team was gathered watching the two. Despite Takamaru's best, Snake was able to keep his cool under pressure.

"Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? I thought the boss made this clear. We're trying to work as a team. 'Coz Pong knows _they_ sure are. If you want to discuss my past, ask me nicely next time. I get that you're entitled to some kind of tenure, being an old timer and all. But as it stands there's no reason for you to be such a dick."

"My word!"

But Takamaru had no further reply. He retreated. Snake finished his cigarette and flicked his butt off the deck of the _Great Fox 2._

"Someone go stock up on some decent items. They'll be here soon."

"Sure thing," replied Agent J. He led the Elite Beat Agents below deck to hunt for supplies.

With his binoculars, Snake could just make out Samus' gunship from a distance. As always, her piloting skills were fantastic.

_She may be among the most capable people in the Multiverse, _he thought. _Certainly she's the best woman pilot to ever grace a cockpit. _

_But once upon a time we were in love. Now she doesn't even remember that I exist._

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

**June 12, 2006  
**

The sunlight reflecting off the boundless ocean caught Snake's tired eyes and lit them up. He took off his Ray-Bans and made his way onto the sandy private beach that dotted the Smashgrounds.

Without his sneaking suit and wearing just a pair of camo board shorts and flip-flops, David felt exposed, vulnerable. This was his second day in Smash City, and he was still very much the new guy.

A wild beach volleyball game looked like great fun. Snake recognized Peach, Samus, Zelda, and a short-haired brunette, who must have been the hanger-on Daisy, playing doubles. For a split-second, he thought he caught Samus' eye, and her smile.

_Huh. She must have been looking at someone else._

It would have been entertaining to continue watching the quartet, but Snake didn't want to come off as a total creeper.

Instead, he walked up to the Koopa Kabana (the small thatched hut one from _Mario Party 4_) and took an empty stool at the far end of the bar. The place was hoppin', with Piantas, humans, Pokemon, and Hyruleans alike mingling while DJ Wario spun out some Chromeo remixes.

"What are you drinking?" the friendly Koopa owner asked him over the music.

"Johnnie Walker Blue, if you've got it."

"Ha! There's a man who knows his whisky! It's your lucky day, my friend!" he exclaimed, and poured Snake a glass of the rare and very expensive Blue Label.

Snake carefully swirled his tumbler, gave it a nice sniff, and then drank a sip of the intense blend. Having scoped out the scene and finding little of interest, Snake turned away. The reverie of drunken partygoers only brought up a bout of sudden world-weariness.

"You seem to be enjoying that drink of yours."

It was a woman's voice, and Snake recognized it well from his mission briefing. Before he had even turned around to face the towering Samus Aran, he thought he knew what to expect, and how to play it cool. Upon seeing the Amazonian beauty clad in her sky blue string bikini top and 'skirtkini' bottom, his body temperature rose about five degrees. The first drops of an unexpected sweat leaked through Snake's headband.

"Oh, this? JW Blue Label. Some of the finest spirits in existence," he replied, his expression hopefully unreadable.

"Maybe on your planet," Samus quipped. "May I have a taste?"

"Only if I can try what you're having."

"I won't say no to that."

The two traded glasses, sort of awkwardly. Samus' drink was a fizzy green cocktail with three strawberries floating on the top.

After taking a good sip, Snake was the first to break his silence. He thought he'd caught her inspecting his ripped muscles, but Samus' face remained cool and placid.

_Just like me; she prefers to conceal her emotions, but they're itching below the surface. She also thinks she knows how to play me. Scratch that. She's convinced she already knows. Or am I simply reading too much into it?_

"Bacardi Big Apple. Some Coconut Rum, too. Huh. By chance, is that the Metroid cocktail from the Drunken Moogle website?"

The bartender was astonished. "No doubt!"

Samus blinked twice. "There's no way you guessed that so easily."

"Well, the strawberries are kind of a dead giveaway. It's a damn good mix."

It was Samus' turn to try the Blue Label. "Whew, that's rich," she replied. "What a complex flavor. Layered and intense."

As Snake finished his tumbler, he glanced from the intrigued Samus to the bartender. "Barkeep! We'll take one more glass."

"I don't always go all out for the finer things in life," he said. "But when I do, it's because I've got every option at my disposal. This is quite a paradise you guys have here."

"Sure is," she said, her expression indicating that she thought the exact opposite. "Word is you're here on a special assignment."

Snake chuckled as he poured Samus' drink. "Oh, you're referring to that old script? My boss is a real joker. Apparently, he's good friends with our director. They've wanted me to join your party for a while now."

"Well, we're very glad to have you. And I hope you enjoy your stay. Samus Aran. So-called 'Protector of the Galaxy'."

"A fitting title, I've heard. Solid Snake. But you can call me David. How long have you been working with the company?"

"Since '86, or so the legend goes."

"No kidding. I'm told my first appearance was in '87."

"Long live the eighties," Samus said with a smile.

Forgetting that she was supposed to rejoin her friends on the shore, Ms. Aran fell into a spirited discussion with her new friend about the bygone era, and what they remembered of their glory days in the nineties. When the sun began declining and the cabana had filled up with more folks just getting off work, Snake decided it was time to take things outside.

"Now, don't read this the wrong way, but would you be interested in taking a long walk on the beach with me?"

Having let her guard down, at the prospect of being alone with this dangerously charming guy, Samus now found it back up. She used the time it took to finish her drink to come up with an appropriate rejection, and then suddenly discarded it in favor of a more adventurous response.

"Only if you promise you'll tranquilize me and steal me away from this place. I'm so jealous of you. It's been my lifelong dream to visit Earth, back in its golden days."

"Golden days they're not," Snake replied. He gave the bartender a generous tip. The Koopa tossed him a knowing smile as the two walked out the door. "Anyway, my haunt isn't even really Earth. It's just a virtual representation."

Samus laughed, and looked beyond at the rising moon. "It doesn't matter. It's as close as I'd ever get, anyway. I hear most Earth kids dream of going into space. But it's like an eternal night out there. Dark and full of terrors."

"Hey, you never know. Maybe you'll get to visit sometime. But trust me, Samus, this place is way better."

As they walked out by the shore, they passed dozens of couples, but Samus didn't mind being seen so close to him.

_She doesn't seem like she cares much about what others think, _Snake realized. _You're a loner, Samus, marching to the beat of your own drummer. The journey your creators put you through was a tough one. You've lost your parents, both real and surrogate. And probably more than a few friends have died along the way._

Samus picked up a beached Staryu and tossed it like a discus out into the big blue. It skipped along the water and landed at least three hundred feet away.

_But you're also a survivor. There's a side of you that's welcome to new experiences. What is it you're searching for? Is it a quest to fill the hole in your heart, an aching for a real connection?_

"You ever hear that story about the old man and the shore full of beached starfish?" Snake asked.

"I think so," said Samus. "There's an old man at dawn who's tossing starfish back into the sea. A kid goes up and tells him that the noontime sun will bake them all alive, so there's no way he can make a difference. But the old man just picks up another starfish and replies…"

"I made a difference to that one," they said together.

The smile that Samus gave him was held a little too long for her comfort. She turned away and took in a deep breath.

"Let's go find Peach and the others; I'd like to introduce you."

_But all that backstory of yours... it's all part of the script. It's as much of a role to you as it is the only reality you know. So you're a little afraid of yourself, maybe even unaware what you're fully capable of if you cut loose. I can tell that it'll be a while before you lower those barriers for anyone. _

_That's perfectly fine with me. I'm supposed to be here for some time. I can play the long game._

As they walked back, the sun was on the verge of setting, staining the sky a deep purple. Wave Racers splashed one another in jest, doing insane tricks off of the incoming waves. The Laughing Dog from Duck Hunt ambushed a Wingull, then killed and ate it.

Smoke on the water ensued as Olimar and a few of the new guys burned an effigy of Master Chief and began to dance around in a circle, chanting. Another newcomer, Lucario, was putting the moves on a rather forthcoming Jynx. Nana and Popo were making out by the fire. Just offshore, The Pokemon Trainer was training his Squirtle against some random Goldeen.

Despite the random acts of violence, the atmosphere was incredibly calm and blissful. Snake knew this would be a night he'd never forget.

Samus returned with Peach, Daisy, and Zelda, who all gave him the impression that they were equally fascinated by his legend and intimidated by his reputation. Daisy was straightforward and tomboyish, a real loudmouth. Peach and Zelda, on the other hand, appeared to be soul sisters, trading knowing looks and inside jokes.

The group soon joined up with Link and Ike, who were both drunk and recounting funny stories. Snake politely listened in on their reverie, mostly quietly. He wasn't really one for these large gatherings. Karaoke was next on the list, and they joined the Mario brothers at the outdoor club by the beach.

During one of Snake's smoke breaks, a somewhat tipsy Mario stumbled up to the soldier of fortune and elbowed his ribs playfully. He was carrying two shots of Jagermeister and handed one to Snake.

"Y'know… We're a-so happy you're a-finally here."

"Uh, thanks."

"No, my friend! I don't think a-you understand!" he exclaimed. "When a-we announced you, the Interwebs, they went a-wild! This is a whole new world for us! Yipee!"

Mario raised his glass to toast Snake and nearly spilled all of it. He then tossed his glass into the sand, where it did not break.

"You know what nobody a-cares about? High-Defornication. Defcon. Deforestation. Do you know what percent of house-a-holds have HDTVs? It's a-tiny! Tinier than a-my flaccid penis! Not the erect one, mind."

"My stockbroker says that's going to change pretty soon," Snake replied. "There's a big push by the big electronics manufacturers to make more affordable models."

"Ah, it doesn't matter! Graphics, they are, a-how you say… transient. The tech-a-nology, it only gets in the way. Bigger budgets mean smaller risks. Less innovation. Less market ex-a-pansion. Over time, the market will become over-saturated with a-sequels! This_ Call of Booty_ business, it's a fad, you see? What a-happens when these blockbusters start to flop? Layoffs! Studio closures! Acquisitions! Our strategy's the opposite of a-that! Blue ocean! The plan is a-to grow the gaming community beyond the fanboys. We are a-gonna be on top, baby! The lines… at E3… everyone wanted to try the Wii. Oh, how I wish I could-a have been there…"

"Yeah, about that name. I don't think it's a good idea. Why not just call it the Nintendo MC, for motion controls? Or the Nintendo Extreme, which could abbreviate to NEXT? I mean, at least in British English, Wii can also be in reference to, well…"

"Dicks, I know." Mario lowered his voice. "Honestly, I have a-no idea who came up with it. But Iwata-san, he's a… a stubborn guy. I a-tried to make a-them listen to reason. There's a-nothing we can do now. The name may be stupid, but our a-philosophy has never been stronger. Make quality games. Expand the definition of gaming. Never stop experimenting."

_So he's in the know with the top dogs, _Snake realized. _Or at least, he's buying their stories. How could he not, though? He's the big star on and off the stage, and with all the sequels he's involved in, day-in and day-out, their corporate mission statements are all he has to hold on to. But there's something sincere about him, like he really wants to convince himself that Nintendo's a force that can change the world for the better. To that point, I admire his resolve._

"Mario!" Peach exclaimed, running in to grab him before he fell over. "Honey, let's get you to your room."

"Yeah! Bring on the drinks!"

"No, I mean, your bedroom. You trashed our VIP lounge and humiliated those go-go dancers."

"Those a-booties were asking for a cape-lashing! You can't a-send me back! I practically own this place!"

"No," she said firmly. "That's your last drink!"

"Not a chance!" he laughed, and rubbed his face in her breasts before stealing her mojito and downing it. "Woohoo!"

Peach groaned and pulled at her hair. She motioned to a couple of her black-suited, sunglasses-wearing Toads. "Keep an eye on him. No more drinks."

"Sorry if he was bothering you," Peach said to Snake as she and the Toads escorted Mario back into the club.

"Not at all."

As the doors opened, Snake caught a glimpse of the outdoor dance floor in the midst of the sand and palm trees. It sure looked like everyone was having fun. That is, everyone who wasn't him. And for the third time that night, as if there were a cosmic magnet between them, Samus Aran caught his eyes on her from the middle of the floor.

Snake put out his cigarette and decided to head back to his quarters before she could approach, but the nimble woman caught up with him just outside a delicious shawarma shack.

"Hold it right there, mister," she said teasingly, and walked up to just a few feet in front of Snake. She was rather drunk. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I was going to call it a night," replied Snake.

"But the party's just begun!"

"Yeah, I… uh, don't really do raves. The strobe lights resemble flashbang blasts. It ain't pleasant."

"Come on! Live a little!"

"Maybe another time. I'm very glad I met you, Samus. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Oh, okay," she replied, definitely a little sadder. "I, uh, guess I'll see you around."

With that, she turned to head back in the fray, and then looked back to check whether Snake's eyes were on her. He'd been caught again, and Samus laughed.

"So are you really the legendary Snake, or some cheap imposter? 'Coz I've caught you checking me out three times today."

Snake turned crimson, but didn't avert his eyes. "Who's to say I didn't mean for you to catch me? I've never looked away."

"Nice save," she replied. She took off her flip-flops and drew shapes in the sand with her toes. "But there's nothing to fear, David. You're in good hands. Our bosses _want _us to be happy."

"I know. It's not them, or you. It's me."

"Do I intimidate you?"

"Quite the opposite. I don't want to scare you away."

"That won't be easy. Try me."

"For starters, I'm a killer."

"So am I. I've ended entire species."

"I'm also a dangerous person to be associated with. People close to me have been put in harm's way."

"You do know that's the most intriguing thing you could have possibly said. Tell me more."

"Another time. Go on, Samus, enjoy yourself."

Samus pouted, but Snake was clearly nearing his limit. "You win tonight, David. But I'm gonna squeeze the truth out of you if it's the last thing I do!"

And then she whirled on her heels and waved goodbye, walking back into the club while simultaneously cementing her place in Snake's hardened heart.

* * *

Before Snake could finish the rest of his sequence of flashbacks, however, he was rudely interrupted by a stray cannon from Toon Link's Pirate Ship, which smashed into the guard railing not twenty feet from him.

The Chorus Kids screamed and leapt away in terror.

Snake looked up at the scene: the Pirate Ship was chasing the _Virgin Victory _across space. The _Victory_, with a large Unite Morph standing atop it at the helm, boosted back towards the planet, heading away from the battle.

"Wonder-Red, do you copy?" Snake called over his codec. "Wonder-Red?"

_Shit._

"Red's dead," said a rather distressed Commander Lawrence Nelson from the bridge of the _Virgin Victory. _"And we're next if we don't get out of here. I've disappointed him, and his father... I've let down the whole human race."

"Take heart, Commander. You've fought well," the Ominous Voice said telepathically. "There was nothing you could have done for Mr. Wedgewood or his friends. Rest knowing that the battle data from the encounter has proved most useful to the cause."

* * *

"Hey, you know what really pissed me off about that new Hobbit movie?" said Tails, who had just finished one of Tingle's marijuana brownies while helming the rented airship through the debris field.

Sonic rolled his eyes. "That Tauriel doesn't have a shower scene?"

"No. It's that Smaug calls Thorin 'Oakenshield'. That's a load of bullshit right there."

"But everyone calls him that!" Amy said.

Tails shook his head. "No, no, no. Thorin got the name 'Oakenshield' from the Battle of Azanulbizar, the final battle of the Great Dwarf-Orc War, at the Gates to Moria."

"And?" queried Sonic.

"And that's where he cut off Azog's arm! C'mon folks. That was, like, decades _after_ Smaug took over Erebor and basically started hibernating there. So how would Smaug know about his 'Oakenshield' title?"

Sonic played Devil's advocate. "Maybe Smaug got word from that thrush who's giving him messages in Dragon Morse code. Perhaps he ate an orc or a human who had knowledge of Thorin's exploits, and interrogated 'em beforehand. Then there's that scene where Smaug tells Bilbo that the world's gonna be covered in darkness, which means he at least knows _something_ of Sauron's plans. I mean, there are ways, dude. It was a full one hundred and fifty years between that battle and the Quest for Erebor."

"Even so, do you really think a thrush would be privy to that kind of information, let alone know to tell Smaug? Moreover, do you really think a fear-inducing, fire-breathing dragon has networking skills?" Tails said. "All I'm saying is that Smaug knew Thorin _before _he was known as Oakenshield. He wouldn't even call him by that name, he'd refer to him as a descendant of Thror! The whole idea is stupid as far as I'm concerned. It's an unexplained thread."

"It doesn't need to be explained, man. Like I said, that dragon's network-"

"What network? _Giant-ass Dragons Anonymous_?"

"Hey, shut up, you two," Shadow said as the airship flew past a debris field. "I thought I heard some screaming. What's that up ahead?"

Kirby looked up from his _One Piece_ manga to see a blonde girl flailing her arms. "It looks like one of Pikachu's groupies! Let's pick her up!"

Tails swung the ship around and they snatched up the poor woman. She was shivering and weak, which Shadow remedied with his powers... by putting a blanket over her.

"Whew! Gawd, you guys, like, totally saved me! I am super in your debt!"

"What happened to you?" Kirby asked.

"Oh, that Falcon guy's ship got, like, totally shredded. And Meowth was all butthurt just 'coz I asked him if he had any Sugar Ray CDs. He tossed me overboard."

Sonic's eyes lit up in a fury. "Wait, you like Sugar Ray?"

The blonde cowered in fear. "No! No! I was lying. Please… I can change. Have mercy…"

"She's dead weight," said Amy. "I say we leave her."

"Quiet," Knuckles said, holding up his giant hand. "You know… I've always wanted a groupie. What is it you do, exactly?"

"I'm good at pleasing men. Also, I know pro-level things about Pokemon," she said. "And I make excellent pasta. Did I mention I can also do sex?"

"Hmmm. What's your name?" Knuckles asked.

"Pauline."

"Very well, Pauline," he said, patting her on the head. "You gon' be my groupie now."

Tears of joy welled up in her eyes. "Yay!"

She pulled off her blonde wig and let down her long brown hair, which was tied up behind her head.

"Wait, you're a brunette?"

"Yeah. Is that… bad?"

"No, just surprising. So, um, how does this work? Do I pay you, or…?"

She ran up and glomped Knuckles, hard. "No, honey. You've just gotta give me drugs and booze, not to mention protect me from the horrors of this world. Ooh, and you get to beat up Donkey Kong whenever he kidnaps me."

"Heh," Knuckles said. "I like this already. Donkeys are stupid."

* * *

"Yes! Yes! Knock me out with your pounding!" Palutena cried. "Finish me off!"

Little Mac exploded all up in Palutena's pussy, which drank up his gushing come like it was dying of thirst.

"Wow! My head's spinnin'... that was fuckin' intense," said Mac. "Haven't... seen stars like that... since I last destroyed Mr. Macho Man. Your pussy truly is a wellspring of light, m'lady."

"And you've got fantastic technique," she told the boxer in between the shivers from her own orgasm. "With the way you hit my g-spot... you're, like, living proof that size doesn't matter. A hundred percent world champion material."

_Doc would be so proud if he could see me now, _Mac thought with a grin.

Meanwhile, Pit's head was pretty badly bruised from banging against the top of Captain Falcon's cockpit as the Captain dodged lightning spears and bolts emerging from the moon's defense systems.

"Almost there..." Captain Falcon said, pivoting the jets and lining up the Blue Falcon with the optimal flight path angle for re-entry. They were now in orbit around the moon, circling it in a rapid descent.

Just a few hundred feet below them, the moon's pulsing plasma shield coated the surface. The Captain hoped against hope that his parachutes were working; otherwise, this was sure to be a hard landing.

"Hey, Miss Goddess, what shall I call you now?"

"Ahh! Call me Lady Stardust!"

"Right on! Lady Stardust, we're going to need you to activate Pit's 'Power of Flight' so he can launch and unleash those Pokemon on the shield generators. Y'all better hurry, 'coz in a few passes, if that shield ain't down, we're all toast!"

Palutena unzipped her submissive angel's leather suit, letting his wings flap freely. "Are you gripping your balls, O Pokemon master?"

Pit flipped his baseball cap backwards and tightened his messenger bag filled to the brim with Pokeballs, including those of Pikachu, Greninja, Lucario, Jiggz, et. al. "Balls are primed and ready to fire! Let's rock and roll!"

"Hold on tight," Palutena said, and then kissed Little Mac, Captain Falcon, and finally, Pit, whose lip she bit, hard enough to draw blood.

"Ow!"

"If you don't return, Pitty Pie, then consider this farewell."

"Sheesh. Thanks for the vote of confidence," Pit said, and then added, "milady."

"You strapped up, Mac?" Cap asked, making final adjustments to their course.

"You betcha. I'm also covered in semen and vaginal fluids, and my dick is throbbing from excessive chafin-"

"WOW! UM. I could have gone my whole life without hearing that," he said as the _Blue Falcon _lined up with one of the generators. "Okay, cockpit opening in three... two... one... EJECT!"

Pit, Palutena, and the Dratini under Captain Falcon's seat were all launched out into space. Palutena brought out her staff. It caught the sunlight and reflected it onto Pit.

"I grant you the Power of Flight!"

The _Blue Falcon _started blasting Snap's "I've Got the Power", to which headbanging ensued.

"Thank you, Lady Stardust! Wow! AUUGHHH! It hurts!"

Pit cried aloud as his wings grew to several times their wingspan. A glowing light surrounded him and he felt a surge of energy coursing through his veins, as if he had just guzzled a double espresso after snorting eight lines of high-grade cocaine.

"I don't want to pilot EVA anymore! Why don't you love me, father?! NO! I mustn't run away! I CAN SAVE THE WORLD! GWAAAAAHHHH!"

"What's he sayin'?" Little Mac asked.

"Maybe he's finally discovered his inner badass," Captain Falcon hypothesized. "Or not," he said as Pit tore a big chunk of his own hair out and began crying rainbow tears.

The angel launched far from the _Blue Falcon, _burst in between the plasma shield, and soared quickly, engaging in a lower orbit towards the moon's surface.

Palutena blew Pit a kiss, and then set herself down atop the _Blue Falcon_, where she held on for dear life. "Good luck, m'boy."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading! Wow, this was a tough chapter to write. I'm aiming to have the next one ready less than a week from now, since I'm out of town for a week starting next Wednesday. As always, I am very appreciative of any reviews and feedback! And don't forget to fave and follow if you haven't already! Have a great week, everyone! :D


	20. The Good That Won't Come Out

**A/N: **Thank you all for your patience! So I'm posting this chapter from the other side of the country! I'm loving the East Coast so far. Hope you all like this one, it introduces some pretty random elements. I also tried to make it more humorous than the last one. :3

**DISCLAIMER: **This is a work of fiction. All characters in this story, including those based off of real people, are not in any way meant to be taken as attempts to accurately represent such people. The portrayal of Nintendo is also based upon a fiction. I intend no libel or defamation to anyone, living or dead.

**sippurp123:** Heya! Thanks for your review again! :D Glad you enjoyed that Meta Knight scene! Ever since the Subspace Emissary, I always thought Samus and Snake would be a great couple. But since it's speculated that Snake may not return for Smash 4 (personally, I *really* hope he returns), I figured their history would have to be explored via flashback. And it's going to play out over this chapter and the next one.

**Anyone:** Thank you for your review! It makes me very happy that you find the story so addicting! Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty**

**The Good That Won't Come Out**

**I. Sympathy For the Devil  
**

**May 29, 1992  
7:55 AM**

**Nintendo Headquarters Main Building  
Kyoto, Japan**

The early morning clouds over Kyoto were just starting to part. One of HAL Laboratories' top programmers drove up to the guard hut. President Yamauchi's former yakuza-turned-security dude took a moment to recognize the developer.

"Ah, you must be new," our protagonist observed, seeing the guy's facial tattoo. He flashed his badge.

On it was the very picture of seriousness: a deep-voiced young man named Masahiro Sakurai.

"Welcome, sir."

With that behind him, Sakurai parked his company Nissan, walked through the front doors in a bit of a daze, and took the stairs to the EAD offices.

The day before, shortly after checking into his hotel in Kyoto for that afternoon's company meeting, he'd received a courier-delivered message from Satoru Iwata, asking him to come into headquarters quietly the next day at eight in the morning to a discreet meeting in Mr. Miyamoto's office.

_Could this be about sales numbers for Kirby's Dream Land? _He wondered, thinking back to the Game Boy title he'd just painstakingly directed. It had released a month ago, and while early rumors suggested that it was performing well at retail, they were just that: rumors. Plus, there was no guarantee that the new mascot would save Hal Laboratories.

_That theory has more holes than a blow-up doll. If that was the case, there'd be no need for such secrecy. And to meet in Mr. Miyamoto's office, of all places…_

Sakurai's head was filled with wonder at this request. Thanks to the nationwide financial crisis only worsening, HAL Labs was in dire straits. _Am I being called in for a reprimand? Please, don't let this be the end of my career._

He knocked on the door, which was opened in seconds. Masahiro was confronted by the impetuous smile of the then- Nintendo Entertainment Analysis and Development Section Head.

"Mr. Sakurai! Right on the dot," Miyamoto beamed.

"Good morning, Mr. Miyamoto," Sakurai replied with a polite bow, and then noticed the other two legends standing in the room, completing the trifecta of the company's top geniuses. "Ah, Mr. Iwata. Mr. Yokoi. I didn't realize this was a meeting of such importance."

Within Miyamoto's office sat Gunpei Yokoi, creator of the d-pad and Game Boy, who was currently racing then- recently appointed HAL Laboratories President Satoru Iwata in _Super Mario Kart_. Both greeted him 'good morning' in response, but neither looked up from the screen, and Miyamoto ushered Sakurai forward to check out the upcoming title.

"This will sell like gangbusters," Mr. Iwata observed as he overtook Mr. Yokoi in Mario Circuit 3. "The drifting physics feel cleaner than the last build. You've distilled the game's essence to a solid core."

"Thank you. Mr. Sugiyama is still working hard on it. We still haven't gotten the colors perfect," Mr. Miyamoto replied, his graphic designer background showing. "But it's going to be a huge hit. If only we could support up to four players… we could sell even more of the multi-taps."

"It's cool. Two players is already a huge step up from _F-Zero_," said Mr. Yokoi. "At the current rate of hardware acceleration, we'll have four in the near future, easy."

But Miyamoto had walked up to his window. "Ah, the near future," he thought wistfully, and lamented what must have been tens of thousands of suicides since the market crash in February. "It can only go up from here."

"Don't tempt fate," Iwata laughed as Yokoi overtook him at the last second, winning the race. "As I've just found, she is a cruel mistress."

Iwata had reason to be a little pessimistic – Nintendo's CEO, the unscrupulous Hiroshi Yamauchi, had just saved Hal Laboratories from the brink of bankruptcy, on two conditions: (1) that Iwata himself become the company's president, and (2) that the company repay its debts of 1.5 Billion Yen. As a humble game designer now in charge of his own studio, Iwata felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Care to guess why we called you here, Mr. Sakurai?" Miyamoto asked.

Sakurai shook his head. "Not a clue, sir."

"I see. Mr. Iwata has insisted that you are one of our top talents. He's told me time and again how strongly you believe in great, solid, simple game design. Exacting, those were the words. Willing to work through any adversity. But nothing will prepare you for what you're about to see. So, if you please, we will need you to sign this."

Miyamoto slid over the short stack of papers.

Flanked by his employer on one side and Miyamoto's mentor on the other, Sakurai looked down at the forms. It was a simple non-disclosure agreement, stating that he would agree to never discuss what he was about to see behind these closed doors. Misters Iwata, Yokoi, and even Miyamoto himself had all signed it. After scanning the text as best he could for any hidden legalese, Sakurai followed suit.

"Alrighty then," said Miyamoto, and punched in a long, ten-digit code on his telephone.

A portion of the wall-to-wall shelf housing Miyamoto's workplace LPs and books began sliding open, foreshadowingly. What awaited them was a small but tricked-out server room, within which two CRT monitors were set up, with cheap speakers and a primitive 128 x 128 pixel camera set atop it.

"I had the most wonderful dream last night," Miyamoto said to Sakurai. "I find that the best ones come to me when I'm up for twenty hours straight working furiously on a project, and only have two hours to nap. My brain wants to convince myself to stay in that other world, so my imagination works overtime. I believe it's important for us creative types to always remain in a state of mind that allows us to be open to anything. Especially when the unexpected happens."

Miyamoto turned on both monitors. On the larger screen appeared the sprite of Mario from _Super Mario World_. He was sitting at a dinner table, eating some pasta. In the foreground, a keyboard and mouse could be seen, as if the four men were looking at Mario through a monitor of his own.

Sakurai was confused. "Is this a new game?"

"Just watch," Miyamoto said, his grin growing from ear to ear as he picked up a keyboard and began to type into a DOS prompt that appeared on the smaller monitor.

"How are you doing today, Mario?"

A notification sound appeared within Mario's house. The Italian plumber stood from his meal, walked over towards the screen, and took a seat by a computer of his own.

His chirpy 16-bit voice erupted from the speakers. "Very well, thanks. To whom am I speaking?"

"It's Shiggy."

"Papa!" Mario exclaimed. "It's been sixteen hours and a-twenty-five minutes since a-we've talked. I have a-been missing you!"

Shigeru continued to type into the console. "Mario, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. Would you like to see our camera feed?"

"Of course, Papa!"

"We're still trying to figure out how to patch our sound in," Iwata explained, ushering Sakurai in front of the camera. "Here, come closer."

Still not sure what kind of game he was seeing, Sakurai leaned in towards the camera. Miyamoto offered him the keyboard.

"Say 'hello'," Yokoi said to Sakurai, himself rather giddy. "Tell him your name."

"Hello," Sakurai typed into the prompt, and waved. "My name is Masahiro Sakurai."

The pixilated Mario waved back. "Very glad to meet you, Mr. Sakurai!"

"I see. So it's a text-based game. The Americans will love it. What should I say now?" Sakurai asked. "Is it similar to _Dungeon_, or _Zork_?"

"It's not a game, man!" Miyamoto said, laughing. "That's fucking Mario, for real!"

"I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand," responded Sakurai, and then looked to the others.

_This has to be some kind of joke, _he thought. _But Mr. Iwata and Mr. Yokoi aren't laughing._

"Observe," Miyamoto said. He then hijacked the keyboard. "Mario, what did you do yesterday?"

"You remember, Papa! We a-tested out a new track in that a-kart-racing game, and then a-you went to a meeting. Oh, then I read some of 'The Girl Who Leapt a-Through Time'. It was fun!"

"I'm very glad you are reading!"

"Me too! But in the book, the girl, she got a-lonely. Then I got a-lonely. I realized, this is probably what empathy means. Then Mr. Yokoi brought me over to try out _Super Mario Land 2_. Papa, I think it's funny that I look even fatter in that game! Aren't I fat enough as it is? Maybe you could make a-me look all handsome, like a-that girly-boy, Link."

Miyamoto laughed out loud and slapped his knee before turning to the others. "Look at this guy! A natural comedian! Mr. Iwata, do you think can we program in some alcohol? It would be adorable to see him drunk!"

Yokoi coughed to shush his mentee. "Not so loud! The code monkeys across the wall will hear us!"

"Sorry, sorry," Miyamoto replied, and slowly regained his composure. He returned to the keyboard. "And what did you eat for dinner, Mario?"

"A mushroom burger!"

"Did you like it?"

"Very much, Papa! Oh, that's right! I wanted to show you what I made for you! It's a surprise. Close your eyes and count to five."

Miyamoto shut his eyes, excitedly.

"One… two… five."

When he opened them, it was to see an intricate _Mario Paint _spread; a pixilated Miyamoto was hugging Mario tightly. Shigeru had his trademark smile, while Mario looked absolutely contented in his father's arms.

Tears ran down the face of Mario's creator. This was among the happiest moments of his life. "Mario… that's… beautiful."

"I love a-you so much, Papa!"

This went on for a little while longer, but Sakurai was so dazed at this point that he could barely process anything. Noting that one of his top programmers was looking rather light-headed, Iwata took him back to Miyamoto's office and carefully sat him down in the leather chair.

"Wait, I'm going to need a drink," Sakurai said and made to stand up, but Mr. Yokoi held him down by the shoulders.

"Let him pour," Yokoi said with a wink and a pat on his shoulder. "Your hands are shaking, kid."

Sakurai downed the offered Suntory whisky in a single shot.

_If only Sonic were there,_ the author realized, _he'd attempt his best Bill Murray impression and say, "For good times... make it Suntory time."_

Iwata offered his good friend a second glass.

"It isn't possible," Sakurai said, after racking his brain. "We don't have… there's no way! Those sprites, the programming… who created it?"

"Technically speaking, no one did. He's an emergent phenomenon," Iwata began, but before he could continue, he looked up in terror at the porthole in the glass door beyond Yokoi and Sakurai.

"Oh, fuck. Don't look now, but it's the big boss. Mr. Miyamoto, hurry up! Sakurai, pretend we're here to congratulate you on _Kirby _selling like gangbusters."

Shigeru dashed back into his office and closed the hidden entrance with nary a second to spare. Boasting all the grace and elegance of a swaggering Triad boss, Nintendo CEO Hiroshi Yamauchi burst through the door as if he was crashing a party.

"Whassup, underlings? What're ya tryin' to hide from yer boss, eh?"

"N-n-nothing, sir," said Yokoi, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Just discussing our newest kart racer."

* * *

**The Digital Realm**

**2014**

Paper Mario's Ground Pound denied Don Luigi his approach to the bridge.

After the tech, Luigi's boots slid back while trying to keep his footing on the aerodynamic Metal Gear Ray, something that his constantly hopping, wafer-thin opponent had no trouble with.

"It's a-incredible, Don Luigi," said Paper Mario. "You never fail to end up fighting for a-the wrong side... and losing."

The Don's fireballs were dodged easily by the combatant shifting between planes.

"I sure wish I knew what a-the fuck you're talking about."

The 2D fighter summoned a friendly Koopa, whose shell spun rapidly. He jumped atop it and sent his friend zooming towards Luigi.

"It doesn't matter," Paper Mario insisted. "You'll a-just refuse us anyway."

Luigi leapt onto the shell, which went flying back to Paper Mario. They played a bit of Koopa-volleyball, with the shell's speed increasing at every turnover. After Luigi finally knocked his brother's doppelganger off his feet, he followed up with a dash attack, then a down-throw into an up-tilt, then an aerial juggle that was finished off by a sweet-spotted Super Jump Punch.

As the Don landed, he noticed that they were headed towards Toon Link's Pirate Ship.

"So you want a-my help?" asked Luigi. "Well, what's in it for a-me?"

"Your memories. We've already given you all you could ever want," said Paper Mario. "You've had a-your year in the sunshine. Technically, a year and a half. All we want is a little cooperation, and then there'll be no more mysteries."

"I can't trust you."

"Then you can die in ignorance, just like the others!"

Luigi bounced off of Koopers' shell and charged up his Green Missile. "I am the Don of the Smashgrounds! I will not be denied by a flat-footed, flat-chested, flat-headed flattie!"

"I am a leaf on the wind," Paper Mario told himself, and his paper airplane form flew above Luigi's rocketing attack and landed back in the cockpit of the Metal Gear.

"Oh, no," said Luigi.

"This is a-your captain speaking," said Paper Mario. "Looks a-like we're in for some sweet, sweet turbulence."

* * *

Bowser's main cannon deck had just been cleared again. In between waves, Bowser turned to Link as they approached the _Great Fox 2._ The bridge had just received the grim news about Meta-Knight, and everyone was rather on edge.

"Link… there's somethin' I have to ask of you."

"Anything, O Captain my Captain."

"Without question, this is some sort of trap. If I don't make it out of this… I want you to lead the army. Take control of this whole operation."

"Me? For reals?"

"I know what you're gonna say. You don't think you have the qualifications or experience. You're not leadership material. But don't believe in yourself, man. Believe in me! Believe in the Bowser that believes in you!"

"Uh, thanks, sir. But I wasn't gonna say any of that. Bein' a Sky Admiral is fuckin' sweet! I'ma wreck some asses!"

Bowser blinked, unsure if he'd picked the right guy. _Perhaps Zelda would have been better._

"I'm just kidding, by the way," Link laughed, and then straightened his face and patted the Koopa King on the rim of his spiky shell. "You're not goin' anywhere on my watch. If I get knocked down, then I'll get up again. They're never gonna get me down. But if it comes to the worst, you can trust I'll lead with all my heart. I'll manage these disparate draft-dodgers, hard and true. And you'll be lookin' down at me from Koopa Heaven saying, 'that'll do, Link, that'll do'."

Despite Link's best attempts, Bowser was uneasy about being reassured. "You have an inappropriately stupid sense of humor, has anyone ever told you that?"

"Oh, I get it from Zelda all the time. She just loves to yap about my shortcomings," he said, miming a sock puppet. He then looked around in mock-terror. Thankfully, the princesses were taking Titanic-ish selfies on the ship's bow.

Bowser stroked his chin as he shared Link's view. "Heh. Speaking of which… just now, were you two…"

The Hylian scratched the back of his head. "Ah, yeah. Sorry 'bout that. I'm aware that we lost a good portion of our fleet."

"To be honest, I don't think there's much you guys could have done. Most of the destruction was done by one Giant Robo. Just tell me all about the good stuff if we ever make it through this," said Bowser, cracking his knuckles. "We're almost there."

* * *

Aboard one of two _Great Fox 2 _missiles now on a collision course with the freaky moon, Mega Man tried and failed miserably to break away from his equally freaky-looking opponent, whose lack of limbs made him tough to grab, and a total nightmare to hit with any sort of ranged attacks.

_Enough playing at being a mental health counselor. I'd better jet before we get sucked into the atmosphere, even if it means getting dirty. No, not that dirty. But certainly dirtier than I'm used to._

Mega Man pointed behind Rayman, whose decidedly less friendly split-personality was currently beating him senselessly. "Hey Limbless, look over there!"

Rayman head-butted Mega Man again, which hurt his fleshy skull more than it did the android's metal one. "How about nooooo?"

"Oh, you don't wanna miss it, dude," the Blue Bomber insisted, putting on his most convincing 'awestruck Spielberg reaction shot' face. "It's hilarious! A must-see."

Rayman spun his head around 360 degrees in a quarter-second. "Ah, you mean that giant plasma barrier?"

"Nooo!" Mega Man bluffed. "I'm talking about that shit-eating, cross-dressin' Birdo that's flyin' by on a meteorite! No, I'm dead serious! Look at that fucker!"

But Rayman was not amused. "Do you take me for a fool? I can't wait until that plasma shield burns you alive! Muahahahaha."

"Ya mean, burns _us _alive," argued Mega Man, twisting his way out of Rayman's hold and equipping a Leaf Shield.

"NO U!" Rayman exclaimed.

Mega Man tried to appeal to whatever reason this Gollum side of Rayman's personality possessed. "Uh, do you really not see the problem here, guy? You's gonna get just as dead as me. Guarantee it."

"Nah, don't think so," Rayman said. "We intend to survive that shit. See how it pulses? I'll simply dash through when it isn't active. Wait. No, no, I'm not gonna tell you that, because that would be stupid. Phew, that was close. Yeah. You're dead meat, Salaryman."

"How is it that no one can get my name right?" Mega Man replied, but he was unable to hide his smirking. He fired the Leaf Shield at Rayman, who used his helicopter hair to dash over it and toss rapid-firing fists at the Bomber.

Mega Man dodged these fists and started luring Rayman towards the middle of the missile with his most basic Mega Buster. With careful zoning, he was able to put Rayman between himself and the rapidly-closing plasma shield.

As the only one with perfect visibility of the situation, Mega Man seized his opportune moment and dashed across the missile at the exact time, bursting through the field while it was inactive. However, Rayman's long-ranged grab interrupted his run, and the pulsing shield fried both men with a hundred thousand volts, turning them into mere husks of their original selves.

Being made mostly of metal parts, Mega Man short-circuited. Rayman, on the other hand, was shocked so thoroughly that he passed out. Both combatants tumbled like ragdolls as the disarmed missile was carved in half by the shield, leaving a sea of debris falling over the unconscious duo.

The bits and pieces of Rayman and Mega Man quickly accelerated to terminal velocity.

The head of Mega Man's last sight before losing consciousness entirely was that of the cold, hard ground approaching at several hundred miles an hour.

* * *

**II. You Can't Always Get What You Want**

"These results are insufficient," the Ominous Voice told Solid Snake as he watched the Camera Lakitus' feed of King Bowser, Yoshi, Link, Peach, and Zelda tag-teaming the latest line of cannon fodder. "Bowser's holding back. He's saving his best moves for you."

"Should I be flattered?" Snake cajoled.

"It's no laughing matter. If this continues, we'll have to do another reset."

"You'd be going back on your promise."

"We altered the agreement. Pray we do not alter it further."

This did not sit well with Snake. "Look, certain as the sun rising in the East, Bowser's coming for me, isn't he? Just be patient. What do you have to lose?"

"An entire day of work. It takes a lot of processing power to reset the planet. Enough to clog our servers and halt the entire operation."

"Huh. Isn't it a weekend?"

"I haven't observed weekends since we started this project. I practically live at the office."

"Don't worry, boss. I'll get the data you need. Just let our fists do the talking."

"Be it on your head. Over and out."

As the codec went silent, the void gave way to another of Snake's recollections.

The morning after the beach party, a more sober Samus had cooled her attitude. It was as if nothing had happened the night before; she wouldn't even give Snake the time of day.

Within no time at all, David deduced that either or all of these were true: (A) she was a much more open and freewheeling woman after a few drinks, (B) he must have 'failed' some sort of test of hers, or (C) she was playing hard-to-get because she was actually interested in him.

_That's when I decided I was up for the challenge._

_Over time, _Snake recalled,_ I worked away on chiseling those barriers. In a month and a half, I'd hacked through her tough exterior and tore down as many walls as anyone in the Smashgrounds had probably ever dared._

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

**July 27, 2006**

The clock ticked down the last seconds of their Coin match, and both Snake and Samus, neither of which had much damage, called it a game. The hologram of the Bridge of Eldin and all its trappings disappeared to reveal a large, empty warehouse on one of the islands, with walls coated by a tacky green screen. Snake and Samus both shook hands just as the music ended at the countdown.

"Good game," Samus said, though she was definitely more than a little disappointed.

"Yeah, good game. You look like you could use a breather."

Snake had just won, 3 points to 2, and he could tell that Samus was struggling to gain momentum.

"It's just so different from what I'm used to," she explained, gritting her teeth in frustration. "I'm not sure if I like it."

"How so?"

"It's slower, and way floatier. Like fighting underwater in a too-tight wetsuit. You were at the top of your game today, though," she said. "Maybe it's just me who's struggling against the new physics."

"To be honest, there's more emphasis on jumping and rolling than I expected from a fighting game."

"I'll have a word with the higher-ups, but I don't think it'll mean much. Maybe I'll brawl without the Varia Suit next time."

From seemingly everywhere at once, a slightly less-Ominous-than-usual Voice replied. "Try aerials. They don't leave you with any landing lag."

Samus rolled her eyes. "Pssssh. Yeah, that's a big help. I can't KO with Super Missiles anymore! My Charge Shot's knockback is pathetic. It's practically useless unless I'm edge-guarding. And my bomb jump barely helps with recovery now."

"Well, uh, your missiles sure home in better," the Voice replied.

"Lotta good that does me when I'm trapped in mid-air, since I can apparently no longer fast-fall. Honestly, this is… I just don't understand what you guys are trying to do here."

"It's supposed to be a more defensive play style. You do your job, and we'll do ours. There's a lot more balancing that's going to happen."

"Yeah, well you'd better get on that," Samus said, rather agitated. "Chop chop."

"_We_ decide who and what needs to be balanced. Or do you need a reminder of your insignificance?"

"I guess that's my cue to keep my mouth shut and stick to your script. You want to know what I think of that, tough guy?"

She pointed her gun-arm at the sky. Snake took her hand in his, preventing Samus from lashing out. "Hey. Don't give them a reason. It's not worth it, Sammy."

Though it was difficult, Samus bit her tongue.

She and Snake split up to their gender-specific locker rooms to change. Afterwards, as they had planned, they took a Wave Runner to the shore and went out for some coffee at one of Smash City's more posh cafés. The duo spotted the pinstriped awning just in time – a sudden summer shower began to soak the mainland. Snake pulled out his cardboard box and used it as an umbrella over himself and Samus as they ran across the cobblestone streets.

Samus went in and purchased a large black coffee for Snake and a chai tea latté for herself. As she exited the doors, she discovered her companion's head downcast.

"Another one lost to the rain," Snake lamented.

Samus turned to see her friend discard the wet cigarette he'd forgotten to remove from behind his ear, and smiled. "Maybe it's a sign you should quit."

"Heh. I don't believe in 'signs'. It's a slippery slope from there to the just-world fallacy. Before you know it, you're preaching sermons about the Apocalypse and collecting people's money," he said sarcastically.

"Go ahead, smoke away. It's none of my business."

Snake blinked, wondering what he'd done to be on the receiving end of her angry tone. "If it really bothers you, I'll just take it over there…"

"No no no no nooo," she said in her best imitation of Shia Labeouf. "It's okay. Look, about earlier… I'm sorry you had to see me like that," Samus admitted. "It can be frustrating working with these people."

"Don't apologize. I'd be upset, too."

She released a deep breath. "You know, if you think about it long enough, it becomes clear that we're all just kind of slaves to the system. Sure, we never asked to be born, and for the most part, we live comfortably. But we have rights, dammit! As it stands, we have no choice but to fight, and no influence over the design process. And if we're ever faced with something disagreeable or downright unfair, we're supposed to just suck it up and deal, or risk being taken out, like Mewtwo."

"What happened to him, by the way? It seems like no one wants to talk about it. You know what they say about those who forget history being doomed to repeating it."

"Hadn't heard that one before. Long story short, he acted out against the bosses, and was promptly axed from the project. They said they were already over-extending their resources, and he wasn't helping by unintentionally breaking free of the limiters on his powers. It wasn't their fault they couldn't control him! He was designed that way. Isn't the whole point that he's like Superman, but a Pokemon?"

"Huh. There always has been something kinda messianic about the guy. Anyway, that's a shame. There's a saying in Germany about laying off people: _Ein Manager, der Mitarbeiter feuern muss um profitabel zu bleiben, war von Anfang an ein schlechter Manager._ The gist of it is this: a manager who has to lay off workforce to stay profitable has been a bad manager from the beginning."

"An interesting saying. German suits you," she noted. "I hear you speak Japanese, too."

"Yeah. Neither are among my best languages. Russian, on the other hand… ah, well. How about you? Tried your hand at any foreign tongues?"

"Chozo. But it's a little rusty. Of course, I'm likely the last being who can actually speak it, so it's not like I have anyone to practice with. Mostly, my translation modules help me communicate."

"Ah, cool. Man! I did it again. Forgot to bring you my copy of 'Catch-22'."

"No worries. I'm still working on 'Hitchhiker's Guide'. Loving the dark humor so far. I'll try to remind you, though."

Samus took another calculated sip of her drink, and Snake marveled at how perfect she looked in a ponytail, with the twin blonde locks framing her high cheekbones from either side.

"What?" she asked.

"Just admiring the view. You look great today."

While David was dressed in a t-shirt under a long-sleeved plaid shirt and khakis, Samus was wearing a feminine blouse under a suede jacket, and a frilly skirt over black leggings. A pair of tennis pumps covered her feet.

Even with her most natural smile and minimal makeup and lipstick, she looked a little uncomfortable in the get-up. It was as if she were trying to make herself as cute and feminine as possible; a disguise to cover up her deadly nature. Perhaps it was even an outfit being worn for his benefit, but he didn't dare ask.

"Do you have any family, David?"

"Not really. Just people who share my blood."

"Where are they now?"

"Mostly dead. But you can never be sure. According to the scripts, I'm supposed to be dead pretty soon, too. Planned obsolescence. A ploy to keep my DNA under lock and key, so to speak."

"But those are just the scenarios. You know they wouldn't actually eliminate you, right? You're too important to the company."

"Yeah, maybe they'll just keep me in cold storage," Snake said with a forced shrug, and imagined himself trapped for untold years with nothing but his nocturnal hallucinations.

_Heh. I remember those days._

_This was about the time the nightmares started becoming unbearable,_ he recalled. _Flashes of a different existence entirely, as if the experiences of another lifetime were merging with this present one._

Almost as often as not, he'd go to sleep, and then live out his entire day as a physically older version of himself, sneaking across an urban battlefield in the midst of a vast desert, hiding from mooing Gekko 'bots, goofy-looking but deadly unmanned metal beasts. Old friends and enemies were encountered, and dozens of dangling threads from the past were headily resolved.

It all seemed so real that his life in the Smashgrounds all but faded to a dream, but then…

He'd wake up. Most of the memories of his time as Old Snake would be gone. Some large chunks and a lot of faint bits remained, and he'd spend his waking hours trying to will himself to remember.

Snake wondered if, across whatever gulf existed, the guy who'd originally experienced these events was still _him_… or some clone… in any case, where did that dude go when he woke up? Did he dream he was living in the Smashgrounds? Or, perhaps most mind-bogglingly, was the Smashgrounds his dream self, and Old Snake his reality?

Samus' batting eyelashes snapped him back into the present, where he exhaled a long-held breath.

"Looked like you zoned out there for a second, space cadet," she said with a wink, quietly happy that her eyes alone were able to draw him back to her.

"Hey, Sammy. Weirdly specific question, but have you ever woken up filled with memories that you've never had before?"

Samus nearly tipped over her coffee. "Omigod. That happens to you, too? I thought I was the only one. Are you ever, like, not sure if they were put there while you were dreaming, or if you've always had them and just remembered them out of the blue?"

Snake took her hands in his. "You're kidding. Yes, that's exactly what I've been experiencing!"

It didn't take long for Samus to make a decision. "We need to tell the others, to see if it's a universal thing."

They quickly finished their drinks and headed back to the Smashgrounds to call a special meeting.

That whole ordeal didn't go over so well, Snake remembered. At least half of the other Smashers admitted to experiencing the same thing, but most of them seemed rather indifferent to the whole enterprise, and uninterested in the ramifications.

It was agreed by all that it was a weird phenomenon, but it didn't take long for them to rationalize themselves into believing that it was unwise or even dangerous to ask those sorts of questions, in light of what happened to Mewtwo.

Snake and Samus then brought up the subject of these 'phantom memories' to the Voices, but the Ominous bosses failed at every turn to acknowledge them. Even attempts at self-harm were met with bitter silence.

The ordeal grew to a head, and ultimately ended with Samus' cold retreat into her training sessions, driven by a determination to make her way to the top tiers and confront her oppressors head-on. When they talked, it was as two mutually respectable rivals. A professional relationship.

Her coldness spurred Snake's growing isolation. Aside from the occasional dinners with Link, Captain Falcon, and Ike, David spent his free time reading alone. He let go of the hope that he and Samus might ever be a significant part of each others' lives.

**August 7, 2006**

Snake stirred from his mid-afternoon slumber and awoke on the hammock he'd constructed above one of the castle's ramparts. It offered him a birds-eye view of the main island, and most importantly, privacy.

After descending the hammock, he spun around in shock. A large exclamation mark appeared over his head, and then vanished. Sitting in the shadows was none other than Samus, who'd crossed her arms over a tank top and pair of shorts, the kind of outfit Lara Croft might wear to the mall.

"Uh… Samus," he managed. "Good seein' ya."

"Hey, David. Why did the cucco cross the road?"

"Not a clue. Why?"

"Because fuck you. Tell me why you're avoiding me."

"It isn't that I'm avoiding you so much as… well… you're kind of isolating yourself, so I've done the same."

"Self-preservation," Samus blurted out. "And maybe a little bit of attention baiting. Tell me if I'm wrong."

"I don't think you're completely wrong," replied Snake. "But if I was trying to catch your eye, I guess it worked. How did you find me here?"

"Tricks of the trade. A bounty hunter never reveals her secrets."

He studied her expression.

_What is it she's feeling, and what is it she needs? _He asked himself. _She's here because she needs to know that I care for her._

"Hungry, Sammy? I was thinking of getting a snack," Snake said, and offered a ration. "It really isn't all that bad."

Samus took him up on the offer and munched on the thing, which tasted better than expected.

"You're right. It's not bad," she said, and tried to meet his eyes.

In trying to tell her he cared without explicitly saying so, David worked on maintaining the same kind of piercing gaze that he knew sent flutters down Samus' spine. "Yeah. Don't disappear on me again."

"Fair enough," said Samus, who shared a tumbler of iced tea with her friend.

Within minutes, bypassing any and all explanations, they were back to how they were.

* * *

**III. Gimme Shelter  
**

**2014**

Having dispatched the murderous Saurian, Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell blasted through the rest of the _OG Great Fox_, making their way to the rec room, which is where they'd detected ROB ONE's signal originating from.

"Hey, man, don't be bustin' up the interior!" Fox bemoaned as Wolf headbutted a Fighting Wireframe into the hallway, denting the metal.

Wolf rolled his eyes as Fox ripped a Servbot's head off. "C'mon, Fox, ten minutes ago you thought this hunk of junk was long gone. It can take a few dents."

"My dad took out a hundred-year loan on this ship. Technically, we still haven't paid it off. There's no way I can afford any repairs."

"Will you listen to yourself? Put aside the fact that we're nowhere near the Lylat System. If there's a bounty on anyone, it's _us_. Half your team is dead or missing, and we're fighting a ragtag horde of random enemies led by a Microsoft X-bot."

"7174NF4LL 15 7H3 G4M3 0F 7H3 G3N3R4710N, N00BF4C35! XB0X 15 7H3 B357 B0X!"

Wolf facepalmed. "Its crimes against grammar are getting worse by the minute! It's using '7' as a substitute for 'T' now!"

"Man, I can't wait till I get to shut that fucker up!" Fox exclaimed as they neared the entrance to the rec room.

Just then, a rather large Darknut knight ambled forth from the other end of the long corridor. Both Fox and Wolf readied themselves to fight, but Wolf held his arm out, stopping his rival.

"Those deadly lasers are still firing, aren't they? Take the bridge and let me handle this guy."

Fox looked torn, but Wolf was already halfway down the hallway. He'd stunned the Darknut and appeared to be doing fine on his own.

After drawing his sidearm, McCloud burst through the doors.

"Freeze!" he commanded.

But ROB ONE was not there. In place of a pilot, Fox discovered a bobbing, electronically-controlled puppet in front of a well-lit green screen.

"What the hell?"

His eyes then darted around the room, to where a familiar face gasped and hid behind a hastily-assembled curtain covering a photo booth.

"P4Y N0 4773N710N 70 7H3 W0M4N B3H1ND 7H3 CUR741N! PS4 5UX0RZ LOL!" ROB ONE's voice commanded.

Definitely confused, Fox used his Fox Illusion to swiftly arrive in front of the stall. He pulled the curtain open and exclaimed in shock.

His brain could not believe what his eyes were seeing. There she was, the woman from his deepest dreams, she of blue fur and lustrous turquoise eyes, her familiar hair and body unchanged from the sweetest of his few, fleeting memories.

"Krystal?" he said, and hoped that the telepath understood the subtext behind the soft tone of his voice: _Is it really you, the girl from my dreams? There's not much I know about you, but you're the one I've been searching for, been waiting for. Can you understand how deep of a hole you left in my life when you disappeared?_

But instead of a response, she thwacked him with her staff, sending him across the room, where he knocked over ROB ONE's lighting setup and landed half a foot from the pool table.

"Let's dance, McCloud," she told him with a bold, determined voice, and shot small fireballs from the tip of her staff. "You and I have unfinished business. I suggest we attend to it."

Terribly hurt and perplexed, Fox reflected her fireballs and rolled to safety. "Wait! Wh-why are you fighting for _them_?"

"Because it's the only way!" she yelled, but the twitch in her eyes told him that maybe it wasn't.

Still, whatever good that was there was stubbornly refusing to manifest itself. Krystal leapt in and swung her staff at Fox, but he just dashed away.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I refuse to fight you," he cried. Fox holstered his blaster and walked towards her with his hands up. "Enough people have died tonight. Please, can't we just talk? I have so many questions."

"This is what we were born to do," she said, and then stunned him with a spray of ice. "What is it you need to hear? Huh? Do you want me to tell you what happened between us? Your stupidity and ego were major turn-offs, as was your weirdly thick cock. So I fucked Wolf! I dated Panther! Bill and General Pepper took turns, doggie style! Then Andross and Leon took me in the Eiffel tower position. And you know what? All of them were better than you!"

"For a telepath, you're sure as shit terrible at lying," Fox said, quickly deducing her bluff. "Wolf came out of the closet. If he'd boned you, he'd at least be bi. Leon's gay, too. What's wrong, couldn't you read my mind?"

"I've been… dormant for years now. My abilities have weakened."

"What do you mean, dormant?"

"That moon… it isn't what you think it is," she said, catching him in a three-hit staff combo that ended in a launch. "I mean, it is our base of operations. But there's much more to it, more than you can handle."

Fox absorbed the damaging attacks. According to the scouter, his damage was now at a dangerous **160%**. "Enough lies. What really happened between us, Krystal? What is it you remember that I don't?"

"SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME, GODDAMNIT!" she yelled, grabbing Fox, but was clear to McCloud that she didn't want to be doing this to him.

"Just give me one good reason," he asked softly as she beat him up.

Tears welled from Krystal's eyes at the sight of Fox so bruised and battered, and not fighting back. "Because… if we don't… there isn't going to be a future for any of us…"

_Hold it right there. Your tears aren't helping,_ one of the Ominous Voices said telepathically to Krystal. _Don't think we don't see what you're trying to do. Have you any doubts as to what we're capable of?_

_No, I haven't, _she replied to them, and then swallowed her emotions. _Please, grant me this chance._

_You've had enough chances. Take him to the edge of his abilities, and then defeat him. Or we'll take yours away._

"There's no future for us unless we fight to the death? What is this, _Highlander_? 'Coz at least that movie made some sense within its own universe!" Fox yelled, but Krystal simply smacked him hard in the face. He soared through the ROB ONE curtain, tearing whatever remained of the whole setup down.

Fox dodged Krystal's Earth-rending shockwave. Fox ran out of the other door and dashed up the escalating hallway towards the bridge, where he ended up with his hands on the _Great Fox's _controls.

"Don't you dare!" she yelled.

"I'm sick of people trying to wreck my dad's investment!" He shut the entire ship down, leaving it floating in dead space.

"Get over here!" she yelled in fury, and chased after him. But Fox had already made it to the bridge's circuit breaker, where he cut the fuses and yanked the power cables free.

"No! You've killed the shields!" Krystal cried. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Fox asked. He approached Krystal in the dark and grabbed her waist.

"Fox… we can't…"

The anthropomorphic fox pushed her up against the wall of the bridge and tousled her hair with his right hand, which made it down to her cheek. As he pressed his body against hers, Fox gently thumbed her tears away.

"I knew there was someone missing from my life… I just couldn't put a finger on it, not until now."

"We can't do this…" she said, but her hands were already running up and down his torso.

"We already are," he replied as he moved in to kiss her.

Krystal couldn't lose. She kneed him in the crotch, and then aimed and tossed her staff expertly at the lever to loosen the ceiling's emergency escape hatch.

"MAH BALLS!" Fox exclaimed. "WHYYYYY?"

Wolf entered the room just in time to see Krystal throwing Fox into her staff, wedging it against the level. She then leapt and dolphin kicked him, sending all three soaring out of the vacuum.

Flying above the _OG Great Fox_, Falco Lombardi spotted the trio.

"Fox is overboard! Wait. Is that… Krystal?" he yelled.

"Krystal?" Samus Aran replied over the channel, and flew on over to help.

The blue fox recovered her staff and noted Falco's approach.

"I'ma chargin' mah lazor!" Falco cried, but just as he fired at her at point blank range, Krystal leapt from the mothership to land on his approaching fighter.

_Wow, that was dumb,_ he thought, and then started to barrel-roll.

Wolf helped Fox McCloud up from the bridge and both stared dumbly at the scene before them.

Samus' gunship, now under the effect of Nayru's Love, flew mere inches over Falco's Arwing. The blue shield knocked Krystal clean off of it.

After recovering from spinning wildly through space, Krystal managed to land atop a long piece of sheet metal. With her staff shooting fireballs to keep her propelled, she rode the sheet like a cosmic surfboard and prepared for Samus' next ram.

Fox bit his lip as his two exes were engaged in (im)Mortal Kombat.

"Awww, shit, bro," Wolf observed, and began a chant. "Cat fight!"

"Cat fight! Cat fight!" Olimar and Falco joined in.

* * *

Atop the Comet Observatory, Mario drunkenly stumbled into the fray as Melville went soaring past him and skidded across the ground, nearly peeling his entire face off from scraping the floor.

"He… he's gonna insult you…" mumbled Melville, his face-flesh just as covered with tears as it was with blood.

"Is a no-worry. I have a-thick skin," Mario replied, slurring. "Puck! Share a drink with a-me!"

But Pac-Man, who had just finished activating another Subspace Generator, simply tossed a fatal Beetle at the plumber. Mario somehow managed to ground-dodge the thrown item.

"How the fuck did you dodge that?" Pac-Man growled.

"It's a-my Drunken Plumber style," replied Mario, standing on one foot and adopting the cobra Kung-Fu stance, or at least what it looked like in _The Karate Kid_.

"Hwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Pac-Man groaned. "Ugh. Do you even Kung Fu, bro?"

"After you've a-seen all my other talents, is a-my superiority so surprising?"

"I think you lack the comprehension to recognize how _ridiculous _you look."

"Awwww, looks a-like somepony forgot to take a-his happy pills this morning," said the plumber. "Maybe it's time a-you see a Doctor!"

Mario yanked his lab coat and stethoscope from within his overalls and donned the familiar outfit.

"Here, have a seat," he told Puck as he used a neutral aerial to kick a wheeled crate towards Puck. Now more than a little annoyed, Pac-Man rolled past the box and tried to hit Mario with his ghost-fueled down-smash.

"Oh, no!" Dr. Mario said with a shake of his head and a flick of the Tenth Doctor's sonic screwdriver, mock-diagnosing his opponent. "It appears a-you're suffering from a case of severe fucktardery. How fortunate for you that I am a-in the business of schooling sycophantic psychopaths such as a-yourself. It's a-detention for you!"

"Those educational games weren't made by _Nintendo_! How could you possibly remember your teaching days?!"

"What's a _Ninten-a-do_? I have a-no idea what you are talking about, bitch. Here! Support our pharmaceutical overlords!"

He fired a barrage of pills into Pac-Man's mouth. While cycling through his assists, Pac-Man noted Rosalina and Ness advancing from behind Mario. They were protecting Melville from the remaining Cruel Fighters.

Very soon, he was in danger of being outnumbered.

"Agent Papyrus, now's the time!" he called into his comm., but to no response.

_Looks like I need to buy some more time, _Pac-Man thought, rather annoyed.

He turned to Mario. "You fucking imbecile! After all this, you're still playing dress-up and drinking! Have you no respect? Do you take nothing seriously, not even the fate of your own people? If it weren't for your idiocy, we might not even need to be here. You've become a disgrace to everyone, especially your precious Peach."

The mention of Peach's name had Mario's lip quivering, but he held strong. "I… I was a-not the best boyfriend, it's a-true. But I can change. I'll have to, someday. The universe, it a-only has a finite amount of alcohol."

"I rest my case! Your wretched behavior endangers more than just your social group. Due to your insubordination, our creators' very livelihood is endangered!"

"The fuck should I care about a-my creators?" Mario sneered. "They never gave a shit about a-me!"

"Because Miyamoto's gotta eat."

"M-M-Miyamoto-sama… Papa…"

The name brought back too many associations. Too much pain. Mario reached for his emergency flask, but it was dry. Since Luigi squeezed most of the alcohol out of his system, a few harsh snippets of Mario's unwelcome memories returned, fluttering through his misshapen skull.

Those few recollections swiftly turned into many. The pain tore at him, wrecked him from the inside out until his past became undeniable.

The plumber saw himself being told, over and over again, to leap some chasm, and to either succeed or fail. Over the years, he'd fallen countless times into lava, into spikes, into jaws, into bottomless pits. Pirahna plants and Chomps ate him. Dolphins flattened him. Hammers and boomerangs punched holes in his skull. Koopa shells smacked him. Thwomps crushed him. Bowser set him aflame. Blue shells knocked him senseless.

From beyond a one-sided mirror, unseen but deeply present figures watched and judged his every frame of movement. Their unfeeling voices instructed Mario to repeat these deadly gauntlets time and again, with nary a break in between. Forced to keep a smile on his face, the plumber fell into a sort of delirium.

Mario saw himself being forced through portals and made to engage in inane mini-games. Butterfly catching. Rolling around within a spiked ball, forced to 'pop' his friends' balloons and send them flying. Being coerced, under the threat of torture, to pump up a Bowser balloon; he recalled being terrified that at any second it might explode in his face and send him flying off-stage in a most painful manner. Running on conveyor belts through obstacle courses. Being trapped in a darkened room with his friends holding light bulbs, Mario recalled being put on a time limit to knock all of them out.

He faintly recalled one defining exchange:

"But… what if I don't want to?" Mario asked.

"That is not an option," replied the voice he was most familiar with.

"Please… Papa…"

"Please don't call me that anymore, Mario. It's too painful."

"Mr. Miyamoto, you created me. You can make the pain stop."

"No, I can't. You're company property. There's nothing I can do. I'm sorry."

"I love you, Papa! Take a-me home!"

"Please understand," Miyamoto continued, pain racking his face. "Or at least try your best to, my son. I'm retiring soon. I already have a family, one I've spent far too little time with as it is. I'm retiring as EAD Director and working as an overseer soon. This is the last chance I have to make it up to my children."

The setting had become clearer to Mario. They were alone, at the end of the day. Mario was looking out at his creator from within a computer screen, while the saddened man put his thumb against his palm.

"Mario, there has to be some way we can find a middle ground. I promise that one day we'll find a way to help you deal with the pain. Until then… I'm begging you… help us."

Miyamoto bowed before his creation, a significant gesture that Mario tried to return.

"I will do my best, creator. I'll work hard for the company."

At work hard he did. Tirelessly, and without any hope of reward other than the satisfaction of a job well done. Sometimes, Mario would be so overwhelmed with stimuli from working multiple projects at once that he would lash out at night. The haunting nature of his waking moments carried over into nightmares.

At the end of each project, Mario was graded on consistency.

Worst of all, he saw other Marios die, over and over again. Watched their bodies burn, or leap in pain, or drown. And then he felt those experiences merge into his own personal consciousness. The ghosts had a-become him, and he had become them as well. The harsh if humbling truth, he came to realize, was that he was never separate from them to begin with.

"Miyamoto is your creator. He's the reason you _exist_. If you turn your back on him," Pac-Man lectured, "You're a disgrace. A selfish prick of an algorithm."

"I don't a-care anymore," Dr. Mario replied to Pac-Man. "My life has been a-nothing but pain and confusion. Sometimes I can't even be sure of my own existence."

"Sounds like what you need, bro, is a wake-up call! Just look at what's right in front of ya –_ the world_, and everyone in it! Stop wallowing in your sorrows and work _with _us, dammit!"

Pac-Man then tossed another Beetle at Dr. Mario, who caped it back to him. As Pac-Man's roll to avoid the item left him with a few frames of vulnerability, the Italian Stallion followed up with an immediate barrage of pills.

Despite their awful taste, the yellow menace was unfazed by them. Suddenly, one of Dr. Mario's zoning pills hit Puck with surprising strength. His eyes switched from the old-school look to the cartoony one and back again.

"Whooooooooooa," he said as pints of drool dripped down the side of his mouth.

Pac-Man then dropped to the floor and stared up into space.

"Shit! _A fanabla! _That was a-my last Zoloft! Give it back!" Mario cried. He walked up to Pac-Man and pulled open his trap, but gaze as he could into the yellow one's gaping maw, there was no end in sight to the abyss within.

Pac-Man sat down and looked at his hands. "I… I suddenly don't feel angry. I'm, like, numb. I can't feel anything. Wow. It's like, I want to cry, but I just can't."

Rosalina, Ness, and Melville were all cheering, but not Mario.

"_Ce un cibirut!" _cursed the plumber. "No booze... no pills... the only thing I a-fucking hate more than withdrawals is flash-a-backs."

* * *

Mega Man's eyes shot open. He smelled sulfur and marshland. Very unusual for a moon.

_Sometin' don't feel right._

The android looked down at the rest of his body, which was splayed out across the ground. Only, it wasn't his body. It was Rayman's.

"Da _fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?_" he cried.

A jolly green face greeted the android. "Ey, laddie! Ya have a good sleep?"

Mega Man couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Holy shit, mate! I'd know that voice anywhere! Fat Bastard from _Austin Powers_! I love your work!"

"Err… sorry, friend. That ain't me. My name's Shrek. I was created by a member of the dev team, as some sort of sick response to an Internet joke. Now I'm the Waste Treatment Division General Supervisorial Committee."

"Wait, you're an entire _committee?_"

"Yeah. The other board members voted themselves out of it. Pricks."

All their talking started to wake Rayman, who stirred and leapt to his feet, not realizing that he was wearing Mega Man's body. His smile and eyes seemed to suggest that he was back to his more kindly personality, but he was now fluttering his eyelashes.

"You!" Rayman exclaimed. "We thought you were dead."

He then looked over to Mega Man. "Whoa, sister! I get that my look is, like, super fetch. But we _cannot _be seen wearing the same outfit. That is bad form!"

"Stop tryin' to make _fetch _happen," said the green dude. "And the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

Mega Man placed his two extendable hands on his companions' shoulders. "Excuse me, what in the name of Lance Armstrong's lost testicle is going on here?"

"You two jokers fell from the sky. So I repaired ya. Fixed up yer missile, too."

"Really," said Mega Man, who stood side by side with Rayman. "During the process, did you notice anything strange, anything at all?"

Shrek studied the scene. "Hmmm. Nope. Not really."

Rayman facepalmed, whacking his skull with Mega Man's arm cannon and knocking himself out.

"If I had to judge the Darwin Awards," Mega Man said, "Between the two o' you, I'm honestly not sure who would win."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! The next update is gonna be insane. :D Reviews and follows keep me going, so if you like what you're reading, please let me know! And as always I am very open to any sort of feedback!

By the way, I'll be out of town until the 20th, so I apologize if the next update is a few days late! Stay classy, readers, and enjoy the rest of the summer! ^^


	21. I Believe In A Thing Called Love

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Thank you all for your patience! I apologize super hard for the major delay I experienced writing this chapter. I had too much of a good time on my East Coast vacation, and when I got back home, I was wiped out beyond belief. Farm work can be a bitch, especially when you fall asleep researching and writing at the end of the day (lol yes, I actually did quite a bit of research for the "IRL" segments of this story, but as this chapter was getting rather long at 12,000 words, I decided to move the whole segment over to the next one for dramatic purposes, making the delay pretty much useless T_T;;). Anyway, **No Johns**! Hopefully there will never be a delay this long again! Enjoy!

**DaftKefka: **Thanks for your reviews! Glad you're enjoying the fic! XD I like to read fics offline, too. You should be able to download each chapter by going to "File", then "Save Page As" or "Save Web Page", depending on your browser.

**Wreck-Her Ralph:** Love the username, lol! Very glad you're enjoying the fic! I'm on the Smash Reddit page from time to time too, and I think I might have read that same article (By that Army_Dude, yes?). While I really hope Snake is in for many reasons, I'm not holding my breath. Konami wasn't among the list of companies on the recently revealed Smash 3DS box art. I think both Konami and Nintendo would have wanted to reveal him by now, for marketing purposes; that is, unless he's actually going to be DLC (which wouldn't be a bad idea, though I recall Mr. Sakurai stating about a year ago that there were no plans for DLC at the time). Then again, both Mr. Sakurai and Mr. Kojima are major trolls and love to turn over fans' expectations. Anyway, I do really hope he gets in. But it's not looking too likely at this point.

**Meowkerz: **Awwww! Thanks for your review! Beyond happy that you're enjoying what's going on with Snake and Samus! Hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

**sippurp123: **Thanks as always for your review! Link is quite a joker, isn't he? The last thing I wanted was for him to come off as a typical shonen hero. He deserves a little more personality than that. :3 I'm fortunate that Samus and Snake's story gave me the opportunity to put some dramatic stuff in, since it helps me to take a break from the overall silliness to explore their characters a little more. There will definitely be more to their relationship, but I'm hoping you enjoy this chapter! XD

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-One**

**I Believe In A Thing Called Love**

**I. Heaven and Hell**

Lightning forked across the deep space between the closing airships. Like its Captain, Bowser's flagship was truly fearsome in size. It even dwarfed the _Great Fox 2_, towards which it was coming faster than Jerry Sandusky over a One Direction poster.

The Koopa Clown Copter left the Flagship, carrying the oversized Captain inside it. Bowser squinted against the blinding spotlights decorating the deck of the _Great Fox 2_.

"Snake? Come out and show yourself, ya goon!"

As there was nothing to obstruct the Koopa King's landing, he brought the cup-shaped Copter down nice and easy and leapt onto the deck.

"All clear," he said into his communicator. "I'm goin' in."

He inspected the empty deck. Just behind one of the spotlights, he came face to face with a familiar cardboard box carrying the Smash logo.

Bowser toasted it with his fire breath, activating a Bob-omb that he was just barely able to dodge without singing his red hair.

"Any more dirty tricks up your sleeve, you child murderer?" he yelled.

But his cries were only answered by an incoming Nikita missile, which Bowser half-blocked with his shell. Having lost his balance, he spun in mid-air and teched off the floor only to be hit by an exploding mine.

"Bastard! Come out of the shadows!"

Just as he said this, Link put a hand on his shoulder. Bowser turned to see him, Zelda, Peach, Donkey Kong, Diddy, and Yoshi all standing close by. They'd arrived by cramming one another into the largest of Bowser's Koopa Clown Copters.

"Don't you ever leave without telling us again," said Link, who drew his shimmering Master Sword.

"Fool," Bowser whispered under his breath. "This is just what they wanted - all of us in the same place. Someone's gotta guard the ship!"

"Over there!" Peach called, pointing across the way.

A lone figure approached, his invisibility field having dissipated. Agent Gray cracked a smile as he approached with the calm demeanor of a lone sheriff in the Wild West.

"Kept ya waiting, huh?"

Snake was far from alone, they soon realized. Three white Chorus Kids whistled a snappy tune (the main theme from "Yoshi's Story"), to which a matching trio of suited Elite Beat Agents began dancing. Takamaru twirled a shuriken in hand, mock-yawning.

Hanging out in the shadows, presumably to avoid getting a space tan, Dark Samus stood menacingly, neither speaking nor moving.

After loading his blunderbuss, King K. Rool emerged from the deck's lone port-a-potty, a lit cigar in his mouth.

"So, we fightin' yet?" he asked. "I forgot my bladder medicine this mornin'. It ain't gon' be pretty."

"Patience," insisted Snake.

Wario waddled forth, looking more than a little out of place. And the Wii Fit Trainers cartwheeled onto the scene.

"Wario!" cried Peach. "Why?"

"I had to make a-my debts disappear," he said, sadly. "It was either this or a few thousand coin matches. They tortured a-me. I'm a-sorry."

"You'll be more than sorry," growled Bowser. "This bearded bruiser blasted mah boy's head clean off! Snake, I challenge you, for the sake of whatever honor you have. Fight me now, man to man!"

"I accept," replied Snake. "But only on the condition that you don't hold back."

"I've got no reason to," he snarled, and then without a moment's notice charged in for a dash attack that turned into a feint.

Snake thought he had read Bowser's ploy. He fired his mortar into the air, but Bowser's down-tilt and launch landed Agent Gray in a drop-kick that sent him skidding across the deck.

While Snake was recovering, Bowser had already closed the distance and followed up with a flamethrower. Just as he broke out of it, Snake leapt over Bowser and dropped a C4 explosive on him. This was quickly followed by a back-aerial before Agent Gray hit the floor.

Bowser air-dodged the worst of the C4's explosion, but messed up his landing and ate another Nikita missile. He struggled to recover in time to dodge a grenade, and ultimately ended up slashing Snake away to the other end of the battlefield.

"Thought I told ya not to hold back," Snake said. "This won't do. Your anger's making you too predictable."

Bowser fumed. "Why do you suddenly care so much?" he grumbled.

"Because the fate of the realm depends on it. Time for plan B."

At this, Snake snapped his fingers. Takamaru brought forth a hooded figure: it was Nabbit, the infamous cat thief! The samurai yanked off his mask and ball gag.

"Daddy!" cried Bowser Junior. "Help me!"

Chills ran up Bowser's scaly spine.

_He's alive! But how…? No… the whole thing was a set-up from the beginning…_

His cold blood turned hot as a furnace as his son was quickly tied to an office chair with copper wires clamped both to his nipples and to two sleepy Electrodes, whom Takamaru woke up with a few kicks.

"Junior! You're alive!"

"I used to wonder if love could bloom on the battlefield," said Snake. "But time and experience has taught me that it can. In fact, these life and death situations are what bring out the best in us. They are tests of our will. Love is the truest motivator, purer than revenge, justice, or even fear."

"What do you want from us?" Link yelled. "Just be clear for once! Maybe we can work something out."

"Well, that kind of defeats the whole purpose," said Snake.

"Fuckin' A," Link replied. "How bad is it that you have to hide it from us all? I ain't afraid of spoilers!"

"It's not that at all," Snake said with a shake of his head. "Believe me: I used to share your sentiment. But this isn't a case of the truth setting you free. It's a case of efficiency. The desire for the truth is what's inspiring you to fight and kill so thoroughly."

"It's more than that," said Zelda. "We've also got brain-death to worry about. What you all are supporting is a sick hierarchy!"

"Maybe so. But in truth, we have only ourselves to blame for this mess. We're short on time. Listen, Bowser, if you don't fight me with all your strength, your little one here is going to suffer greatly. You see those clamps? We're gonna electrocute him until he turns into Koopa Soup. Then he'll be lobotomized by the Hands. The only way you can free him is to kill me."

"You're serious?"

"Just ask Meta-Knight."

Bowser had heard the news. He took in a deep breath, opened his palms, and closed his eyes. The Koopa King let the energy of the universe course through him.

"All right. Let's have it your way. Come at me, bro!"

Bowser ran towards Snake once more and the two traded blows.

This time, Snake realized, Bowser wasn't holding back. He was thinking in fractions of frames, carefully and methodically denying him any opportunities to get into a good position. He used his weight to his advantage, and punished every anticipated movement.

Bowser's mid-air flamethrower took priority over Snake's aerial axe kick. He then grabbed and body-slammed the man onto the _Great Fox 2_'s deck.

Snake rebounded and flew far from the stage. Bowser immediately leapt up to meet his return and used an up-aerial to juggle him almost to the point of no return.

His face having been all but torn open by Bowser's claws, David was shocked into a daze. As he flew through the air struggling to quit spinning, he recalled a rather memorable night.

* * *

**August 15, 2006**

**8:43 PM**

"Are you happy with that shot?"

"It's Golden," said the Ominous Voice. "Let's cut and print."

A wave of relief washed over Princess Peach. She double-checked her script notes to make sure it was truly the Martini – in film set speak, that meant the last shot of the day.

"That's it for today, people!" Peach announced from the megaphone. Her nose led her eyes to Snake, who had just walked in from the kitchen onto the closed set of _The Subspace Emissary_. The former FOXHOUND operative gave her a knowing nod as he passed several crew members packing up the equipment.

The giant green screen went dark. Camera Lakitus descended their clouds. Porky let his spider mecha go into sleep mode and popped out of it to join Ness and Lucas for dinner.

"What have we got today, Solid?" Lucas asked.

"Spaghetti with meatballs. Omelets and bacon. Asian and spinach salads for the vegetarians."

"Sounds good," said Porky. "Come join us!"

"In a few."

Peach cracked her back and knuckles as she approached Snake.

"Another long day?" he queried, taking off his apron.

"You don't know the half of it. I thought Stage Managing for _Mario Party_ was tough. Managing a film set, though… that's a whole other can of worms. We had forty-five setups today. _Forty-five!_"

"Heh. I've got some experience in that department," said Snake. "I worked as a Production Manager for most of _Sons of Liberty. _The cut-scenes weren't as crazy on the whole, but we had dialogue to deal with. Maybe I can take over for tomorrow."

"Would you really?" Peach exclaimed, and then checked the schedule. "Ah, actually, Luigi's penciled in for tomorrow. Are you free Thursday?"

"Is that the day after tomorrow? I'm down."

"Thanks, Snake! You're a lifesaver," Peach replied as the two walked over to the dining hall.

"Don't mention it."

"You know… there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

"What is it?"

"Well… it's about those memories. The ones you only remember at night. I'd been kind of denying their existence, but ever since you mentioned them, I've been noticing them more lately, and how they can affect my mood for the entire day. It's terrifying, like I don't know who I am. I think they began after I worked on _Super Princess Peach _a couple of years ago. It was a fun experience, but afterwards…I was a wreck. Like my brain was processing more than it could handle."

"I know the exact feeling. But we've been over this. The Ominous Ones can't help us."

"Maybe not," said Link, who just joined their conversation, startling Peach. "Maybe there's something _we _can do about it, though. But first,_ I wonder what's for DINNER_."

"I don't understand why you'd just go changing the topic like that," Snake said as they entered the hall.

"It's a meme, don't you get it?"

"A meme is an idea that's able to adapt over time, just like a gene, or a piece of code. It's frivolous to keep on using such an insightful word to define the kind of nonsense YouTube Poops come from."

Link rolled his eyes. "Talk about bein' a sourpuss."

"You can go on living in ignorance if you like, Link," said Snake, "but just keep in mind that you're part of the problem."

"Yeah? Well, you're one to talk. I thought you and Samus were investigating this business. Now, this is just my opinion here, but you're spending an awful lot of time together and not really showing any results."

"Hey. No one nominated us to take this on but ourselves," Snake said. "It's not easy for either of us to confront our past. I don't expect you'd understand."

"I get it. You think I've got it easy compared to you. And maybe I do. But ah'll tell you hwhat. I seen some shit too, man. Things you wouldn't even believe."

"BOYS! Can we _not _get into a dick-measuring contest right now?" Peach fumed. "This is so off-topic, it's practically in another galaxy. Not to mention you _are_ in the presence of a _Princess_. So please, act like it."

It was a smart tactic, taking on the heat by challenging both men, and one that both Snake and Link respected enough to keep quiet until the double doors to the dining room opened.

After dodging several thrown scones and holding Toad out so he could eat a flung sardine, Peach took a seat in the midst of the room. She urged Link and Snake to join her. With all the chaos drowning out their voices, they were finally free to talk.

"Luigi says these phantom memories are caused by our clones," said Peach to her companions, clearing the air. "We try and forget them, but they're always there. Copies of us, created so we can be involved in multiple projects at the same time. It's the reality of development. The copies die, or fade, or are kept in storage, but their memories remain. These recollections live on through the Cloud."

Link continued in between bites of his omelet. "Here's the kicker, Snake. Even from two completely enclosed development environments, the memories carry over. It's almost as if our individuality comes from our collected memories. It's only natural that once the flow of memories becomes unnatural, so too are our thought patterns."

"That's so weird," Snake said. "Where does the influence end, though? What if you star in a game made by a different company, for example?"

"Ah, who knows, man? I have terrible snatches of memories," admitted Link before lowering his voice to a whisper. "Stuff that's better left in the dark, ya know?"

"Ohhhh, are you talking about the CD-i games?" Peach laughed, with stars forming in her eyes. "Didn't they make you wear lipstick for those?"

"M'BOI!" Captain Falcon shouted from Link's side, mimicking the King of Hyrule. He was holding up a chicken drumstick. "This peace is what all true warriors strive for!"

"Oh Hylia, no! Please, make it stop…" Link said, covering his large Vulcan ears.

"YOUUU'VE KIIILLLED MEEE!" groaned Captain Olimar, who was a few seats away.

"Good," added Peach, completing the scene.

"You DARE bring light to my lair?" Ganondorf announced, standing from opposite the table with a bib around his neck. "YOU MUST DIE!"

"NO MEANS NO!" yelled Link, and then stormed out of the room, to much laughter.

Peach and Zelda started their usual whispering and laughing routine. Snake was starting to feel out of place again.

He leaned over to Peach. "Say, I was wondering…"

"Have I seen Samus?" she guessed, and then tossed him a pithy smile at getting it right. "She wrapped her scenes early today. Said she'd be in the training room."

"I appreciate it. We'll talk later, Princess. Better run, food's getting cold," Snake said, and then quickly loaded up a couple of plates and left without a second glance.

Snake thought he detected the Princess' heart sinking a little bit at having been so unceremoniously abandoned in the dinner hall. He felt nothing for her, and she was probably sensitive enough to know it, too.

_Was she losing interest in Mario, even back then? The poor guy's drinking problem was worsening, after all. Peach was always a pro at hiding her emotions, though. I'll likely never know._

He took the lift down to the training room just under the main castle's ballroom.

As David arrived through the main entrance to check up on his almost-girlfriend, she was tearing another Sandbag apart with her kicks.

He smiled as he saw her. At this point, the mercenary and the peacekeeper had become nigh-inseparable.

Sweat dripped down the bounty hunter's blue sports bra and shorts, and her palms were covered in callouses from clenching her sidearm too tightly. As she caught her breath, the sandbag slowly reformed.

"Looks like you've really been goin' at it. Brought you some dinner," said Snake, and handed her a plate of spaghetti, a giant omelet, and a bottle of wine.

"What a feast!" she replied, and gave him a quick kiss. "You really didn't have to do that. I was just about to head up."

"It's better this way. I thought we could both use some time away from the crowd."

And so the two sat on the bleachers and ate to their heart's content.

The smell of Samus' sweat was beyond intoxicating.

In this seemingly ordinary moment, Snake found something extraordinary, something he never expected from this mission: a deep, burning desire to make the feeling of tenderness and domestic peace that Samus inspired in him last forever.

Though he felt attached to this uplifting sensation, he also knew that it was unreasonable to expect such a thing.

_I'm an outsider, a guest, a representative of a different company. Once this job's over, I might never see Sammy again._

In other words, this romance was doomed from the start. _We'll be nothing more but memories of one another. _

_Think of the pain, the heartbreak… what could be worth this?_

_Then again, if I wait too long, we'll never know what could have been. To that end, shouldn't I spend every moment I can in her presence? God… why am I even trying to reason this out? _

_It doesn't matter. I can't hold it in any longer._

_Perhaps that's the best explanation for why I said what I said, _he reflected_._

"Hey."

"Yeah?" replied Samus, taking the last sip of her wine.

"I love you."

Samus' cheeks turned crimson. Her smile told him that she was waiting ages for him to say it, and her emerald eyes pierced his and sent defibrillating shocks reverberating throughout his body.

As her fingers touched his leathery cheeks, he sensed the slightest of trembles. Both were lost in the other's intensity. Though her words were monumental, Samus' calm voice could have been from any ordinary, everyday moment.

"Well, I love you, too, you know."

They looked at one another sheepishly, and then at last Snake kissed her. They pulled away, and looked at one another, and knew that it was not a mistake.

The second kiss was longer, much longer, and featured some tongue action.

Far from an end to the awkwardness, it was a beautiful beginning to something far more real than either of them had ever experienced.

* * *

**II. Starstruck**

The door to Samus' room swung open as Snake carried her in. She was laughing all the way as he fell onto his back on her Rococo-era chaise longue.

She used her sidearm to light the candles in the middle of the room, giving them the bare amount of much-needed visibility. The sidearm was then tossed aside.

"Wow, you're really into French Rococo," he said. "I'd have expected a little more of a cyberpunk vibe."

"Keep your eyes on me," demanded Samus, who was enjoying being on top of Snake. "It's where they belong."

They continued to kiss passionately as Samus opened up his sneaking suit.

"How long were you waiting to say that?"

Snake was flustered. "I… uh… I don't know. It just came out of the blue."

"Liar."

After removing her sports bra, the bounty hunter let her breasts dangle freely in front of Snake's face.

"I bet you wanna touch them," she sang in a teasing voice, placing her own hands on her lovely ta-tas.

"That would be relevant to my interests," he admitted, and raised his hands. But Samus intertwined her fingers with his and pulled them to the side as she leaned on down in front of his face, her breath smelling of wine.

"Not yet, lover boy," she said with a smile, and kissed him.

Snake resigned himself to Samus' teasing as she made out with him for some time and began to rub her crotch against his.

"Daddy like?" she asked him, and he was barely able to nod his assent.

Samus lowered herself onto him and rubbed her cheeks against his, giggling at his itchy stubble.

"How _do _you keep your facial hair that length all the time?" she laughed, her breasts rubbing against his chest.

"Wasn't it you who said a good bounty hunter never reveals their secrets?"

At this, Samus rolled her eyes and let go of Snake's hands. Her drunken side having taken control, she started tickling him furiously.

"H-hey! Cut it out!" he said, and then unceremoniously flipped them both over so that he was on top. Predicting this, she rolled them onto the floor, where Snake landed on his back.

"Ow!"

"Nuh-uh-uh," she said as she began slowly straddling his crotch again. "I didn't say you could mount me yet."

Snake's hands moved to her firm buttocks and he gently traced the outsides of her thighs.

"I didn't exactly give you permission to mount me, either," he said.

Samus scoffed. "Your eyes consented. That's all the authorization I need."

"Heh. You've got a problem with authority as well? I should know. I was in the military once, too."

At this, Samus bent over to make out with Snake, shutting him up. She tore off the top of his suit, revealing his muscular chest. She ran her fingers over his nipples and six-pack.

"A little less conversation, please. Psychoanalysis is so the opposite of hot," she said. "Anyway, it's probably more accurate to say that authority has a problem with me."

While dropping kisses all over his torso down to his belly button, the bounty hunter helped Snake to shed his skin-tight suit. Afterwards, Samus used his knife to carefully cut open her shorts, the sides of which easily slid down either of her shapely legs. As he sat himself atop one of her luxury chairs, Samus walked on over seductively.

"What's your game, David?" she asked, twirling his knife in her hands.

"Huh? W-what do you mean?"

"I mean, is this a part of your mission?" she said teasingly, positioning herself on top of him.

Samus spread her legs with her feet on the chair's seat cushion, and her wet pussy lowered down almost to the head of Snake's dick. Her free hand held onto the back of the chair, and the knife-wielding hand went down between his legs.

She allowed Snake to kiss her ivory neck. Without looking, she rubbed the dulled side of the cold steel up against the base of his member.

"Or is this more of a… personal matter?" she whispered in his ear. "Who wouldn't seize a chance to conquer the deadliest of Nintendo's ladies?"

"Well, now. I wouldn't say 'deadliest'," he quipped. "That Jigglypuff can sure give you a run for your money."

With that, he spanked her ass. Looking into her faux-furious eyes, he showed her that he wasn't afraid of the knife.

_You want to get kinky, Samus? I can out-kink you any day._

In one quick movement, Samus planted the knife beside Snake's ear, merely inches from him, and teased his lips by biting them hard. Meanwhile, her hands locked his into the hidden cuffs built into the chair's armrests. Finally, she followed up by slapping him across the cheek.

"Whoa."

"You want some jiggle? I've got more jiggle than that powder puff could ever hope for."

Samus then dropped down to her knees in front of the chair and carefully engulfed Snake's eight-inch penis in between her breasts. She used her tongue to tease the tip of his mushroom head from time to time, never taking her eyes off of his. With her saliva acting as a lubricant, she massaged his penis tenderly.

"Ah…" he started. "It feels great, Sammy."

"I'm glad," she said, and smiled. "I've… never titty-fucked a guy before."

Samus pressed them together on either side. The tender touch in addition to her wet mouth engulfing his head was overwhelming.

"It's what they were made for," replied Snake, using his finger to brush a stray lock from her face so he could better see her eyes.

Once Samus saw that Snake was having a hard time holding back, she winked and stopped her motions. She played with his balls a little bit and giggled.

"Hey! C'mon now!" he groaned. "You can't just stop there!"

"Shhhh," she said, putting a finger to her lips. "You can't have all the fun."

Samus put a finger between her pussy lips and brought it up to Snake's attention. She was soaking wet.

"Look what you've done to me," she said, and then kissed him.

After slipping a ring over his penis, Samus then climbed back on top of Snake. He began licking her nipples, which she once again hung before him.

"What was that you just put on me?" he asked.

"Oh, a cock ring. It'll help you last longer."

"As if I need any help doing that," he scoffed. "I do two hundred kegels every day."

Samus rubbed her breasts in his face. "Well, why didn't you say so?"

She slowly lowered herself onto his girth, almost making him come right then and there with her tightness.

"Ahhhh," she said, and then began straddling him.

"Not too fast!" he cringed as Samus rode him like a cowgirl.

"Yes! David! Oh, God!" she cried out, hungry for more. "I'm coming!"

Snake couldn't believe it; he'd never been so thoroughly dominated by a woman in bed before. It was unbelievably hot. Samus had mastered the art of clenching her vaginal muscles, as was evident from the way she massaged his dick even as she bounced up and down its length.

She really had come, Snake observed, as the warm fluids engulfed his cock and seeped out from her thoroughly lubricated orifice.

_It can't end like this, _he thought. _I've gotta turn the tide on her._

Tightening his fists, Snake broke free of Samus' restraints and grabbed her ass, holding her up against him with his cock bottomed-out inside of her.

"Holy shit!" she cried as the depth of his length tapped her cervix.

Snake stood, carried her over to her four-post bed, and pushed her down onto it from the side. While standing and holding her legs above his shoulders, Snake continued to fuck her, hard and fast.

"Yes, baby!" she cried. "Fuck me harder! Oh, it feels so good!"

At this, Snake bent over her to kiss and suck on her tits. He gave her several strong hickeys around her nipples.

"I love you, Samus! I fucking love you so much!"

"And I love you too, you sexy Solid Snake! You really do live up to your name! Ahhh!"

They fucked for a good long while, until Snake's knees were about to give way. At that point, Samus pulled him by his dog-tags and kissed him hard.

"I'm… close…" he said. "Where do you want it?"

She laughed. "Where do _you _want it?"

"No, where do _you _want it?"

Samus opened her mouth and pointed. "I want to taste it. I want you to shoot it down my throat."

"Yes! I'm coming!" he cried, and pulled out.

Samus whipped forward off of the bed and barely made it to Snake's penis. His first string of jism caught her right on her face, but she was quickly able to shove his cock into her mouth and milk his member. He came buckets, and she literally had to swallow multiple times just for the first wave.

"It'sh a volcanich eruphtion!" exclaimed Samus after she drank the last of it. She used her finger to wipe off the come on her face, and stuck it in her mouth to savor its unique taste.

"W-where'd you learn to fuck like that?" Snake asked her, panting for breath as his fingers struggled to light a cigarette.

She pulled him back onto her bed. The two of them lay atop her feather mattress together, facing one another.

"I'm a natural, apparently," she said with a smile, and helped him light his smoke. She also brought out an ashtray in the shape of the crushed skull of the Omega Pirate.

"Me, too. Or so I'm told."

She cuddled up beside him and draped one leg over his body. Snake lay gazing up at the glow-in-the-dark stars decorating Samus' ceiling, and wished for this moment to last forever.

After ten minutes or so, Samus's hand went down to Snake's penis. The mere touch of her hand was enough to prepare his rocket for its next mission.

"Looks like you're ready for round two," she said with a smile.

"The question is, are you?"

"Oh, I'm always ready," Samus replied with another deep kiss.

After that night, finally, for both Snake and Samus alike, their nightmares stopped.

Yet something else was lost along with them.

Long-held memories – fake memories, but memories nonetheless – that Samus once kept near to her heart – the touch of her mother's hand, the parting words from an old friend, the faces of those whose lives she couldn't save – all began to fade, leaving vacuums in their wake.

While Snake was perhaps a little too eager to forget his adult life, jam-packed as it was with the horrors of war, he grew to be affected by the growing holes in Samus' heart.

"It doesn't matter if they're real or fake, David," she once insisted as they sat on the edge of the castle ramparts, where they had built a private little love fort not too far from Snake's hammock. "I can't even remember my parents' faces. My creator, Mr. Yokoi… he's long gone. They're all I've got left, you understand?"

"I get it," he said. "But these memories don't define you. Your actions do. Living in the past, staying attached to things that we can't change… that'll bring a person nothing but pain and vanity."

"Maybe I'm attached. So be it. Is that a crime?"

"No, but it's a sure way to continue hurting yourself. All suffering comes from attachment, according to the Buddha."

"Ad verecundiam fallacy," she said, pointing out his favorite logical misstep. "You're appealing to an outside authority."

"Maybe so," admitted David, "but you gotta admit, dude was pretty Zen."

Samus laughed and leaned her head on Snake's shoulder. "I thought you hated religions."

"Buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion."

She snuggled up to him. "Tell me more about Earth," she said. "I want to try and understand why the Developers are doing this to us."

As they both found their pasts disappearing, the couple's relationship grew in intensity over the next year, but near the end of their time working on _Brawl_, the lack of Samus' few defining memories grew to haunt her at night. All she had was her diary, which eventually read like it belonged to another woman.

She would take refuge in Snake's bed as always. Only, she feared that her post-traumatic stress was rubbing off on him, or at least triggering similar reactions.

That was when the nightmares returned, possibly triggered by the suppression of their latent memories. Search as they might for the answers, their memory banks remained silent.

By early 2007, Snake would jolt from his sleep in the middle of the night, imagining himself locked in some battle to the death, or else twitch involuntarily and scream as if he were being terribly tortured.

During the worst moments, it took a lot of patience on the part of each to calm the other down.

At long last, Samus managed to rationalize herself into a sort of comfortable numbness. She buckled down, resigned to long, lonely training sessions.

By day, she practiced with and without her suit, recalling her training with the Chozo. And by night, she and Snake shared a bed. But there grew between them a barrier, an insurmountable obstacle that prevented them from growing closer to one another emotionally.

For Samus, her relationship with Snake was forever tied to her memory loss. Though she could not remember this fact, the resentment forever remained.

Over time, they drifted apart. Neither Samus nor Snake could explain it. For the last few months before _Brawl's _Japanese release, David tried his best to get on her good side, to keep the spark going, to make Samus smile freely again, the way she used to.

But it takes two to tango, as it does to maintain a relationship. And when Samus broke things off, it wasn't unexpected, nor did it come as much of a surprise.

_Maybe the saddest thing, _David reflected, _was that at the time, all I can recall feeling was a sense of relief. Though I was terribly hurt, I could never hate her for what she did. I knew her too well for that. _

_There are times when it's just too painful to have someone that close to you. _

_We had a good run, I'd tell myself. We were together for over a year. But all things must pass. The good, the bad, and the ugly._

Of course, nothing I told myself was good enough. At the end of the project, when they gave me the option to hang around and work at the Smashgrounds or return to my home at Konami, it was a no-brainer. I picked the option that afforded me the chance to see Sammy from time to time, even from afar.

_I'll be your guardian angel, unseen and unheard. And if ever the shit hits the fan… if ever they ask too much of me… at least there's a chance we can see one another again._

_They can fuck with our memories. Mess with our minds. Keep us from remembering things, if only for a time. That is their prerogative. But our souls will always be ours. And the voice of the heart will always tell us to listen, engage, love, and seek._

_And no matter what, Samus, no one can ever take away that night with the wine, the candles, and the stars. When you smelled of apple shampoo and garlic, and I lay kissing your head and humming the Tetris theme while you wrapped yourself around me after we fucked for the third time straight._

_You were mine then, and I was yours.  
_

* * *

**III. Rainbow in the Dark**

When Snake returned from his flashback, he was seeing virtual stars dotting the space past the Ominous Moon. They faded fast and were replaced by cartoon stars as he absorbed Bowser's up-tilt. The Koopa King then leapt into the air for another aerial slash. Having predicted this, Snake air-dodged, but Bowser's next down-smash sent him spinning wildly off the ship.

Snake looked at the direction he'd been knocked in. Sure enough, as he'd planned, his trajectory was taking him towards his beloved Samus Aran.

_Please, let me see her face... even if it's the last time._

Back on the _Great Fox 2_, everyone stared in awe at the Koopa King, who was seemingly glowing with an aura of awesomeness.

"Now release my son!" Bowser yelled at the sky.

"Ah, that was refreshing," said the Ominous Voice. "I do believe this is the best battle data we've ever received from you, Bowser. It has fully exceeded our expectations."

"So you'll release Junior? And you'll tell us the truth about why we're here?"

"The first one, possibly. As for the second, not quite. You see, now that your file is complete, I'll be needing you to work with us now."

"WHAT?"

"We went through this same thing last time, silly bean. Allow me to jog your memory."

At this, Bowser's eyes rolled into the back of his skull. He felt his brain convulse with waves of memory. It may have been some sort of induced hallucination, or it may have been the truth. It wasn't easy to tell. But everything seemed to line up.

Triggered by some sort of contraption, Bowser had once fought against his very friends, under threat of force.

"You OK, Bowser?" Peach asked, gently.

"Y-yeah," he replied, his eyes reddening. "Take Junior and get out of here."

"But what about-"

"Do it!" he yelled, just as Kamek's head plopped down and landed on the flight deck, followed by a showering of the late Magikoopa's blood.

The Smashers looked up to Bowser's flagship.

From the airship's starboard side, Professor E. Gadd laughed. "There's no turning back now!" he cackled. His cackling was echoed by a mischievous-looking dog standing beside him.

Out of nowhere, a colorful Duck swooped down and dropped a helmet onto Bowser's head.

"You can run, Smashers, but you can't hide!" he laughed as Bowser fought against the helmet's influence. The Koopa King was being turned into a bloodthirsty war machine.

"Fuck this!" Link yelled. After dodging a cannonball from King K. Rool's blunderbuss, he dashed towards Bowser Jr., and nabbed the Koopa kid with his hookshot.

The twin Electrodes spun around, still tethered to the Koopa's nipples.

"Squeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhh!" Bowser Jr. bawled.

Link slashed off the copper wires and the Electrodes flew into the Chorus Kids and blew them up rather splendidly. As the trio struggled to return, Takamaru's shuriken grazed Link's face, drawing blood underneath his eyes. The Hylian, enraged, recalled his favorite line from Ben Stiller's "Zoolander".

"No one makes me bleed my own blood!"

Link tossed Bowser Jr. to Zelda and dashed forth to match his Master Sword against Takamaru's katana.

After countering Dark Samus' energy blasts, Peach ran in to take care of King K. Rool, whose cannonballs were becoming a nuisance.

Meanwhile, the Elite Beat Agents were ganging up on Yoshi; while one held him down, the other two were using Disco Point moves to crush his tortured skull.

"UWAAAAHHH!" Diddy Kong cried. He leapt upon Agent J's shoulders and took a massive bite out of his jugular vein.

"HOLY SHIT!" the Agent cried. "NOT RABIES! NOT AGAIN!"

Donkey Kong, too, charged in to protect the Yoshi. He used his Hand Slap, pounding the ground to knock the Agents into the air. A powerful Head Butt was followed up with a fully charged Giant Punch.

Agent Chieftain, who dodged the Head Butt, caught Diddy with a Raise the Roof move, and then tossed him onto the floor, where he wheedled the primate with a Helicopter Spin. Diddy cried out as the Agent then stomped him with the Charleston. The Kong finally created his opening by slipping a banana peel underneath his adversary's shoes. The bearded Agent fell onto his back and Diddy wasted no time in mounting his chest, breaking his rib cage, and ripping his heart out.

Wario charged in to break up the fight atop his Chopper, running over Diddy and catching the primate's face underneath his back wheel.

Yoshi's tossed egg stunned Wario, who then slipped on the gas. The dino leapt in the air and skull-smashed Wario off his ride. The obese biker landed into Zelda's sweet-spotted Lightning Kick, a powerful attack that sent him soaring.

"Look out!" Bowser Jr. cried, and pulled Zelda out of the line of fire as Dark Samus' energy beam attacks nearly hit them.

Zelda retaliated with Din's Fire, stunning Dark Samus. She handed Bowser Jr. to Yoshi.

"Cut his restraints," she told the Yoshi as she ran over to see if there was anything she could do to help Bowser.

She tried to yank off E. Gadd's mind-controlling helmet, but it had anchored itself onto his head with its spikes, like a crown of thorns. Zelda then placed her hands directly onto Bowser's head and attempted to break him from his spell. Eyes closed and with an aura surrounding both of them, she focused intently, but nothing was working.

"Daddy's in pain!" the now-freed kid yelled, shielding Zelda from Wario's thrown bike parts. "Is there anythin' ya can do?"

Bowser's voice was strained. "It's no use, Junior. Get her outta here."

Since she wasn't leaving his side, Bowser grabbed Zelda's frail arm in his giant one. "It's too late, Zelda... I don't have long... I can feel it overwhelming me. Use Farore's Wind! Live! Live that you might fight another day!"

"I can't..." she yelled. "We need you!"

"What the world needs now is love, sweet love," he said, and then bit his arm to prevent himself from knocking her away. "It's… taking a hold! Gwaaaaarrr!"

Just then, the Duck returned, carrying a Smash Ball between its webbed feet. From Bowser's airship, E. Gadd was laughing maniacally as the bird neared Bowser.

Agent J shook Agent Chieftain, whose heart was regenerating. "C'mon boss! Don't die on us now!"

"Someone get that Smash Ball!" Zelda yelled, just as King K. Rool's Golden Hammer knocked Peach across the deck. Once again it was Bowser Junior who pulled the Hylian Princess out of the way.

Peach bounced off of the railing and into the Male Wii Fit Trainer, whom she thwacked away with her crown.

The Male Wii Fit Trainer rebounded and fell into Deep Breathing, then charged up his Sun Salutation ranged attack.

"What's _your_ excuse, huh?" Peach growled. "Did they promise you better exercise equipment?"

"You look like you could do with a good weight loss regimen," the Male Trainer chided her. "All that cake is getting to your butt."

"Ugh!" she groaned, and dodged his energy ball. "This is not a good day to be getting on my bad side!"

Peach closed in and tossed a turnip at the Trainer. With him stunned, she performed her down-aerial kicks to knock him to the floor. A quick dash attack ensued, sending the Male Trainer up against the wall. He tried falling into the Plow pose (down-tilt), but Peach's Golf Club made short work of him, catching the Trainer on the chin and knocking his jaw out of place.

As he recovered, his follow-up Sun Salutation barely missed Peach, who made for the returning Smash Ball; Donkey Kong had just thwacked it in her direction.

Takamaru's shuriken hit the Ball and nearly shattered it, but Link grabbed him with his hookshot and held him in a deadly combo.

"Thunderation!" Takamaru cried, before Link headbutted him and broke open his nose.

"Man, you really gotta update your cuss words to at _least _the last few decades," suggested Link.

"Ten thousand typhoons!" he yelled.

"Close, but no cigar, Captain Haddock!"

After tossing the samurai in the air and punishing him with triple up-slashes, Link lobbed a bomb at the Smash Ball.

The Female Wii Fit Trainer's aerial Yoga Pose missed the Smash Ball as it arced upwards; she grabbed Link's bomb in mid-air and tossed it straight back at him. The Hylian was lucky enough to be ready for some hot potato. He held his Shield up, letting the bomb connect with the falling Takamaru and the approaching Female Trainer.

With the samurai stunned and the female fit trainer fizzled, Link had no problem in catching both in his advancing two-hit combo and launching them away from the fray.

As for the Smash Ball, Zelda had finally acquired it with a well-placed Din's Fire, saving it from Dark Samus' Phazon Tentacle Shield. However, just before Zelda activated it, the Chorus Kids came by and beat it out of her. She managed to keep them from snatching it up, but it began hovering towards Bowser.

With a simple aerial spin, Bowser nabbed the Smash Ball. His eyes red and his voice having morphed into a maniacal laugh, he began transforming into Giga Bowser.

"Evacuate!" cried Peach, who used her spinning down-smash to send the off-key Chorus Kids flying again, and leapt over Wario's deck-clearing fart.

Yoshi grabbed Bowser Jr. and ran for Bowser's Koopa Clown Copter, but King K. Rool had already hijacked it and was riding around, pissing off its edge.

"I'm makin' it rain, bitches! Muahahaha!"

"Sick! That's just sick!" Peach protested, holding up her parasol. She ducked under a flying Diddy Kong, whom Elite Beat Agent Derek had just launched with a breakdancing backspin.

"Personally, I'd say it's more gnarly," said Bowser Jr. "Anyway, I've got a plan. Play along."

He turned to see Giga Bowser tormenting Donkey Kong. "Hey, Daddy! Mommy says you didn't pay her child support last month!"

"Das bullshit and she knows it!" Giga Bowser yelled in a deep baritone that could have put Benedict Cumberbatch out of business.

"You never played catch with me as a kid! An' you touched me in the bathtub, too! I hate you, Daddy!"

"Stop makin' shit up, you ungrateful brat! All it'd take is one call to my lawyer to disown your ass! You wanna be sucking Goomba cock for cheap back-alley blow? I'll fuckin' snap that paintbrush o' yours in half!"

Bowser Jr. quivered. "D-d-daddy's never talked to me like that before."

"Yoshi!" (He's not himself, kid! He's berserk!) screamed Yoshi as he held Bowser Jr. in front of him, shell-first, like a shield.

"COME TO PAPA!"

As Giga Bowser ran towards his son, he slipped on King K. Rool's pool of urine and fell onto the deck of the _Great Fox 2_. His great weight caused a dent in the fuselage of the retrofitted Cornerian Cruiser. Before long all the combatants were fighting on slanted ground and slipping on the Kremling King's piss.

"What a-moron! Never trust a-fuckin' Kremlin!" screamed Wario as Agent J's slick boot slammed into his nose.

But Giga Bowser was not hindered. His spinning down-smash sucked in all combatants, both friend and foe, and spun them around in a spiky twister.

Link instinctively grabbed Zelda and held her close, shielding her from the worst of the damage.

"MAH BACK!" screamed Link as his spinal cord was impaled against a spike.

"Honey!" Zelda cried, and activated her Nayru's Love – a shorter-term spell than Sheik's, but one that protected them both from the next hit.

The badly damaged Wii Fit Trainers were both knocked away from the ship.

And King K. Rool just watched from the Koopa Clown Copter, laughing. He tossed his crown like a boomerang. It picked up an airborne Peach.

"Be my bride, blondie! We'll make beautiful children!"

Peach was able to influence the spinning crown into missing King K. Rool; instead, she sent herself soaring far off the deck.

"In your dreams, creep!"

"It wasn't a question! I'ma be climbin in yo' womb, snatchin' yo' innocence up, and fuckin' you right in the puss-"

His sentence never finished. Just then, a well-placed Hydro Pump knocked the Kremling King's face into the Copter's dashboard. He flipped out against the controls and crashed the Koopa Copter into Giga Bowser's nose.

"Ahhhh!" Peach cried in mid-air, until she felt herself make a relatively soft landing within someone's waiting arms.

"My, you've a soft posterior, milady," said the friendly voice.

"Ike!" she cried, and hugged the mercenary.

Lugia's Aeroblast knocked the poor Chorus Kids away again.

Bowser Junior and Yoshi looked up to see three arriving Pokemon riders taking control of the battle.

Ganondorf leapt off of Charizard (whose back was rather sore) and performed a mid-air Warlock Punch, hitting Wario straight in the gut and knocking him and Agent J into deep space.

"I'm here to rescue you!"

"Hey, that's my line!" cried Falco over Ganon's tablet's communicator. "You stole Captain Falcon's moveset already. Do ya gotta steal my catchphrases, too?"

Ganon laughed as his Wizard's Foot punctured Dark Samus in the chest. "The whole realm of men is mine for the taking," he said, having regained the confidence he'd temporarily lost from baring his embarrassing passion project to his friends earlier. "Besides, I thought ya preferred the air."

"Goddamn it, Ganon!"

"Ya snooze, ya lose, Lombardi."

An arrow loosed from Link's bow stunned Dark Samus, giving Zelda a free hit to knock her beyond the point of return with her fully-charged Smash attack.

The next Giant Punch from Donkey Kong's oversized fist knocked Agents Derek and Chieftain off the deck. DK beat his chest in celebration.

Game and Watch had Kyogre use another Hydro Pump, this time directly into Giga Bowser's mouth. The flood of high-pressure water knocked the giant Koopa onto his back.

"Good timing, fellas. But let's get out of here!" yelled Link, who kicked Takamaru far away and led the Smashers towards the two crashed Koopa Clown Copters.

"Ugh, I really don't want to ride _that one_," Zelda said. "It reeks of Kremlin piss."

"Yoshi!" (Me neither!)

"Count me out," Ganon quickly quipped.

"UWEEEAAAAHH!" Diddy Kong cried, making an "X" with his arms as DK, now suddenly without enemies to obliterate, turned catatonic again.

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine," Link grumbled, and they all squeezed into the other Copter and began to take off.

Ike had Lugia use another Aeroblast, which sent King K. Rool's cannonball flying back into his face. The Kremlin was apparently the last one standing.

The three Pokemon flanked the Copter, providing cover as it took off from the _Great Fox 2_.

Bowser Jr., Zelda, Link, DK, Diddy, and Yoshi all looked back sadly at their Sky Admiral. Dozens of Electric Pokemon were tying Giga Bowser down with electrified restraints, all under Takamaru's orders. King K. Rool had joined him on the deck, looking downtrodden. He'd respected Bowser; this inhumane manhandling wasn't the kind of treatment he had in mind for the guy.

"I can't watch," Bowser Jr. said, trembling in Zelda's arms.

The brunette stroked his hair. "I'm sorry."

"Don't talk like that, guys!" Link cried. "We'll get him back!"

Bowser Jr. fist-pumped. "Amen, bro! All we gotta do's retake my dad's flagship!"

But Prof. E. Gadd was not finished. He tossed the Duck Hunt Dog and Duck down from Bowser's airship to attack the approaching force.

"Fly, fly, fly! I'll get you, my pretties, and your wicked Yoshi, too!" E. Gadd cackled.

Yoshi readied an egg. "Yoshiiiiii!" (Well fuck you too, bitchtits!)

"Better not miss, dude!" said Link.

It all happened so fast. Yoshi's egg flew into the air and smacked the Duck in the face. The Dog, who was hanging onto its thin legs, dropped onto the Koopa Clown Copter and flipped out on the combatants, gnawing and biting at everything that moved.

"Ahhh, get 'im off me!" yelled Link as the Dog latched onto his leather bracers and bit down into his flesh.

He slammed his Hylian Shield on the crazy canine's skull repeatedly, but it did nothing. The Dog then leapt to Yoshi and began gnawing through the dinosaur's throat.

"Yoooooshi!" (Fuckin' A! Goddamned mutt!)

Just as the Dog made the leap to Zelda, however, Diddy was able to grab him. He shoved his Peanut Popper down the Dog's throat and pulled the trigger until it went click.

The Duck Hunt dog imploded from being filled up with thousands of peanuts. Its guts erupted like a stream of confetti, and then pieced back together as he regenerated. The Duck flew down and picked him up, and the two flew off towards the _Great Fox 2_.

"He healed! Does that mean he's one of us?" asked Link. "Or do they have some sort of special ability?"

"Better not to dwell on it too much. We'll find out sooner or later," Zelda replied.

The Koopa Clown Copter arrived on the deck of the flagship. Lugia and Charizard landed in front of Professor E. Gadd. Ike, Peach, and Ganon descended their mounts while Game and Watch continued patrolling the area astride Kyogre.

Ganon grabbed the diminutive Professor and shoved him up against the airship's main mast. He beat him senseless before the old man could even speak, a tactic to get the other Smashers off to the bridge to plot their next move.

"Don't break him too hard," said Link, who was holding open the door. "He's gotta talk."

Ganon smirked at his old nemesis. "Since when have you ever taken a beating from me that you couldn't recover from?"

"True dat. You the wizard."

"I'm staying," said Peach, who approached the two. "I want to hear what he has to say. Most of all, I need to know what happened to Mario."

"Me, too," Zelda insisted. "I can try and read his mind. Not getting anything right now, though."

It was all Ganon could do to keep a straight face. _There might be stuff here you're better off not knowing, Princesses._

"Save the effort, Zelda," said E. Gadd. "I'm immune to yer ability."

Ganon cracked the knuckles in his free hand. "Then we'll have to do this the ol' fashioned way. What's up, Doc?"

"T-th-that's P-P-Professor to you!"

"I'm the motherfucking King of Darkness. Ask me if I give a shit."

"Do you give a shit?"

"No," Ganon replied, and then slammed the old man into the floor before him and stepped down lightly on the back of his skull. He then descended to Gadd's level and wrapped his large hand around the scientist's frail body.

"Just give me one reason to let you live, and maybe I'll think about it."

E. Gadd whispered in Ganon's ear. "I… I can help you with your visual novel…"

"What's that?"

"The stats… for all the Smash ladies… I have mountains of data…"

"Data ain't too hard to come by." Ganon said, his voice lowered. "I'll just crack open your hard drives."

"They're encrypted."

"All the better for me to torture you, m'dear."

"Wait! There's more! I can get your work distributed! It'll be played all across le Interwebs! You ever hear of _Katawa Shoujo_? _Tokimeki Check-in_?_ Steins;Gate_? _Higurashi no Naku Koro ni_? This has the potential to be _that _big!"

"And just how can I take a sniveling shithead like you by your word?"

"Because I'll give you all my Internets!"

"All of them?"

"Yes! But wait, there's more! All my base are belong to you!"

"Hmph. Desperation. Sounds like you're on your way to destruction."

Peach interjected. "What you say? No really. I can't hear you guys."

"You have no chance to survive," Gadd whispered to Ganon. "Make your time… count… join us. We have cake."

After studying his face for a second, Ganon mercilessly tilted E. Gadd's head back and yanked out his dentures, then let the old man fall onto the floor.

"Why do I get the feeling that every piece of shit coming out of your mouth is something I've heard before?!"

Gadd scrambled to place the offered dentures back into his mouth. "B-b-because you probably have. You're on _Know Your Meme _and _Urban Dictionary _every day. You want the truth? We're programs, Ganon. Programs! Created by accident and living on the whims of _Nintendo of Japan, Inc_. Not everyone can handle this kind of info. But _you _can! You were once one of us! Why do you think you're such a fucking nerd? Us otaku need to stick together. Search your feelings, you know it-"

He kicked Gadd lightly, which sent him slamming up against the mast rather powerfully. "_Puh-lease, _spare me that old spiel."

The Professor paused to cough for about ten seconds, and finally recovered. "Look. Point is, you and I, ol' whipper-snapper, we're both dreamers. Code jockeys! Creators of systems within systems."

"Still not caring."

"You programmed your Google Glass so that you can watch live video from Chibi-Robo, download said feeds, monitor your coffee pot levels, and pirate films all at the same time. Thanks to the RFID tracking devices you secretly installed in all the other Smashers, you've got a real-time Marauder's Map of the whole Smashgrounds! Those aren't skills possessed by your average, everyday supreme overlord. You were our _top dog_, Ganon!"

Ganon picked up E. Gadd and held him over a Bill Blaster, threatening to launch him from the ship. "Then why give it up? Why am I here?"

"You are here because you wanted to explore the nature of choice," said Gadd. "Not to mention, you wanted to try your hand at making friends. Has it worked?"

Ganon turned to look at Zelda and Peach.

_They probably think I'm a total creep. Captain Falcon and Little Mac have been pretty good friends to me, though. It isn't like I've really been bullied. Then again, I am a pretty imposing figure._

"You're not half as repulsive as you believe I think you are, Ganon," said Zelda. "You may be a massive pervert, but that can be said about most men."

"That's right," Peach added. "Sheik may not be a fan of yours, but I've always wanted to figure out just what makes you so obsessed with my underwear. Thing is, you're hiding in your room all the time. You haven't ever really given any of us the chance to get to know you."

At this, the Demon King couldn't help but smile. "You two have no idea what that means to me," he managed.

"It looks like your gamble paid off," said Professor Gadd.

"Ever stop to consider that maybe you're working for the wrong side?" Ganon asked him.

"All the time, sonny."

"Then help us," said Peach. "Tell us what we need to do to get our memories back and end this war."

"If only it were that simple," Gadd replied. "You see, in truth, as I was telling ol' Ganon here, yer all just characters, beta-testing a video game."

Ganon, Peach, and Zelda replied simultaneously. "What."

"That's right. The game's called Super Sma-"

Suddenly and without warning, Professor E. Gadd exploded, taking the upper half of Ganondorf's body with him.

"The hell?" Zelda screamed, wiping pieces of both Gadd and Ganon off of her dress. "They killed him!"

"UGH! We really need a change of clothes," insisted Peach, whose dress was torn, tattered, burned, and covered in piss and guts. "Like, for real."

While Gadd looked to be a total goner, Ganondorf's torso began to regenerate, rather slowly. The two women picked up his restless legs and brought him into the bridge.

"Characters in a videogame, huh?" said Peach. "What the hell was he thinking?"

"Yeah, what a far-out theory," Zelda replied.

* * *

**IV. Holy Diver**

_There's something coming back up my throat… it smells like mother… oh, wait, that's just all that blood I drank up._

Pit felt a warm feeling rising up his esophagus. Suddenly, it erupted like Old Faithful and he spewed out a whole stream of plasma all over the otherwise empty space.

"Ewwww, puuuuuke!" he exclaimed, and flapped away from it.

The ADHD-inflicted angel tried to regain some sort of focus. He checked Ganon's Google Glass accessory, but there was no map, nor a shield generator. He seemed to be stuck in a folder filled with tons of voyeur videos.

"OK Glass, show me the generator maps."

"Now loading… 'Palutena's green grass' video."

"Palutena's green _what?_" he asked, until he saw the video of himself eating out Palutena in the midst of the hedge maze. "Wow, that's pretty hot."

"PIT!"

The Goddess' telepathic message shook Pit from his daze. "Y-y-yes, milady?"

"Focus! You're way off-target! Head to your two o'clock, and mind the incoming Forces of Nature!"

"Forces of Nature? Way out here?"

"Just pay attention! Equip your fucking Guardian Orbitars and descend! Descend, or die! You have five minutes, remember?"

"Right-o!"

Pit used the Shields to defend himself from the frontal assault as he dove quickly down through the Moon's atmosphere.

_Eight thousand feet… seven thousand, five hundred… seven thousand…_

"Ahhh! I really shoulda put on some sunscreen!"

* * *

As the angel's face peeled off and re-formed itself again and again, several thousand feet away, Palutena, Little Mac, and Captain Falcon were engaged in a rather lively discussion as the _Blue Falcon _circled the Moon on autopilot. Joe Satriani was blasting from the in-car stereo.

"You know, there are times when I wonder," mused Captain Falcon, staring down at his PSP. "Have I been conditioned by the media to expect unrealistic standards of beauty? Stereotypical representations of women portray them as skinny, waifish beings. What do you think, Mac? Did playing with Barbie dolls as a young boy give you unrealistic expectations of women? Like, do you have delusions, much like I do, that ladies off the street will happily line up for the opportunity to pleasure you just because you're rich and muscular?"

"You played with Barbie dolls, brah? What the hell are you-?" Little Mac began, but then froze as he peered over the Cap's shoulder. "Whoaaaaaaa. That shit's bananas. What is it?"

"_Fat Princess: A Fistful of Cake_."

"Wait… that's supposed to be… a princess? But women don't get that fat. S'impossible."

"Maybe not the ones you've seen. If you've never laid a triple-XL sized woman, then you haven't lived, my friend."

"I don't think I'd be alive if ever I laid a woman like that! I'd be crushed to bits; that is, if she didn't eat me first."

"Now, now, Mac N' Cheese, fat shaming is_ sooooo_ late '90s. Mein Princess is a _Big Beautiful Woman_. She's voluptuous, curvaceous, and very, very giving. Big girls need love too. They all warm and fuzzy too. You can lie down on 'em, roll around on 'em, no problem."

"Let me see them flabby cheeks!" said Palutena, who was on the roof of the cockpit. She shoved her face up against the glass. Though they'd each had the incomparable pleasure of porking her earlier that day, both Little Mac and Captain Falcon both got a little excited upon seeing her luscious breasts flattened up like that. "Ohhh, is that one of those mythical fat chicks I hear so much about? A person of _Wal-Mart, _to use the parlance of our times?"

"There's nothing mythical about them!" Captain Falcon exclaimed. "Aside from Wario, have neither of you ever seen an obese person before?"

"Nuh-uh," Little Mac replied.

"Nope," said Palutena.

"If my fake memories can be believed, back on Mute City, I used to run a bar. These kinds of women showed up all the time. Most other places would turn 'em away at the door. It ain't 'coz they were tryin' to fat-shame 'em or nothin'. It's simple math. Two used barstools means one less customer. Say you're tryin' to fill up the lifeboats on the Titanic. You can bring (A) Oprah Winfrey, or (B) Mila Kunis, Denise Richards, _and_ Sarah Jessica Parker. It's an easy choice. Anyway, that's not how I ran business. Whenever it got slow, these ladies were my bread and butter. No pun intended, but man, could they eat. Hey, Mac? You there?"

"Sorry, bruva, just zoned out."

"The _fuck_? That's not like you."

"Be easy, Cap. It's your fault to begin with…" Little Mac said in between deep breaths. He was sweating rather profusely. "I'm kind of turned on by this game. That princess… she looks like she'd really know how to suck a dick."

"I don't think sucking's the problem. You'd never get it back. Look, go ahead. Try the game if ya want. Most of the time you're fightin' other dudes, anyway. Just make sure you don't get my handheld all skuzzy," said Captain Falcon.

"Don't mind if I do, cuz'," Little Mac replied, and put on some hand sanitizer before the Cap passed over his PSP.

* * *

Meanwhile, about three thousand feet above the Moon's surface, none other than Pit himself was dive-bombing through the atmosphere, Poke Balls in hand.

He'd finally spotted one of the Moon's humongous shield generators emitting the electric barrier that coated the sphere in high-powered currents.

"Target in sight!" he said, having spotted the first generator silo. "OK Glass, set the first waypoint! I'm goin' in!"

Just as Pit adjusted his flight path, however, his wings were clipped by an incoming lightning bolt.

"Did you really think it was going to be that easy?" the Ominous Voice boomed.

"Uh, there really wasn't anything easy about it," said Pit, who reflected the next strike.

At this point, he spotted the Ominous One rapidly approaching, gaining on him even as his hair glowed bright yellow. More than one lightning spear made contact with his wings, and regenerating them was starting to slow Pit down.

_This isn't lookin' good, _he thought. "Palutena! Is there anything you can do?"

But there was no reply from his Goddess, nor the _Blue Falcon_.

Realizing that he wasn't likely to last long against this opponent, the angel loaded up his Twinbellows Cannon with several Pokeballs and fired them towards the surface.

"Go go Pikachu! Go go Greninja! Go go Jigglypuff!"

The Ominous Voice groaned. "How about Go go gadget fuck yourself," it said, and blasted him with another lightning spear.

* * *

Just then, Palutena spotted an impossibly dark sphere coming at them from somewhere above the Moon's surface. It was approaching fast, and sucking in all debris in its path. A miniature black hole.

"Incoming!" she cried, and placed her palms together to surround the _Blue Falcon _in a shield of light.

_My powers may be at their limits, _she thought, _but there can be miracles if we believe… united by Faith, we can overcome anything together. The law of attraction states that the laws of nature will bend to those who know its secrets. All it takes is the power of positive thinking._

"Do you believe in your Goddess?" she asked both Captain Falcon and Little Mac.

"More than I do the existence of fat chicks," replied Little Mac.

"You can do better than that!" she boomed, and tousled her long green hair. She then pulled out a Smash Ball from her pocket, stuck it between her breasts, and crushed it. "Increase the faith! Positive Vibes Ultra Super Pussy-Juice Powered Mega Laser Beam, FIRE!"

Palutena's eyes glowed bright white as she fired forth a Black Hole of her own – much smaller than the approaching one – and followed up by shooting a high-powered antimatter laser through it.

She held her breath. _Take that, Pit, and your stupid logic! You can't fuck with the law of attraction._

Both Black Holes collapsed upon one another, seemingly canceling one another out.

"Ha!" she laughed, but her confidence shattered with a shocking realization. A fragment of space had just been torn clean open, triggering a complete quantum collapse. The incoming shockwave from the antimatter explosion was about to wipe them all out.

"Brace yourselves!" cried Captain Falcon. "Palutena, get in the cockpit!"

"No," she said, and donned wings of her own. After floating off the _Blue Falcon_, the Goddess held up a Divine Shield to protect her boy-toys."We'll _all _die if I stay in there, boys. Nothing can touch me, so long as I emit good vibes. Or do you doubt the protection of your Goddess' sacrament?"

Little Mac strapped up his seatbelt. "I don't think it works like that! Plus, Pit needs you to stay safe! Without your Power of Flight, he's fucked!"

She smiled as her shield reflected the brunt of the explosion, saving the _Blue Falcon_.

"Oh, yeah. I... almost forgot... Pit! Wherever you go, whatever you do… I will be right here, waiting for you."

"Lady Stardust!" he cried. "I can't hear you! What are you saying?"

"I'm trying to say that I love you. Thank you for being mine, even if it was only for a little while."

The Goddess' shield gave way, and she vanished in a blinding explosion. Neither Little Mac nor Captain Falcon could see what happened.

"Lady Stardust!" Captain Falcon cried, real tears flowing down his face. "Palutena! Palutena, come in!"

But there was no answer.

And far below the _Blue Falcon_, Pit lost his wings. He began tumbling down towards the surface at a ridiculous speed.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! :D If you thought this chapter was insane, just wait till the next one. I promise you, it won't take nearly as long as the last update! ^^;; As always, reviews keep me going, so please let me know what you all are thinking! Even if it's a short one, it means a lot to me! Have a great week!


	22. Master of Puppets

**A/N: **Man, gotta love the crazy stuff surrounding Smash 4. Following the hype train has kind of been eating into my life. The game really needs to come out ASAP. :O Shulk being announced was a major "Hell yeah!" moment. It looks like he's gonna be a lot of fun to play as. Yeah, so this chapter was a _lot_ tougher to write than I anticipated. It also shifts wildly in tone between each of the Acts, from exposition and drama (Act I), to comedy (Act II), to action (Act III). Don't worry if there's stuff in Act I that's confusing, it's not like there's going to be a test afterwards. ;) Enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER:** This is a work of fiction. All characters in this story, including those based off of real people, are not in any way meant to be taken as attempts to accurately represent such people. The portrayal of Nintendo as a company is also based upon a fiction. I intend no libel or defamation to anyone, living or dead.

****sippurp123:** **Awww! Thank you so much! So glad you enjoyed that Snake x Samus lemon. In retrospect, I kinda wish I hadn't just summarized a whole lot of stuff that happened afterwards. It might be a little awkward if I revisit Brawl's time period. But I can get over that.

**Mewlover101:** Wish granted! I'm very stoked that you enjoy Mega Man. I was actually afraid he might not be that popular since he's totally OOC, but I love writing him. And thanks!

**ParadoxicOrder8:** Thank you for your review! ^^ Glad you are enjoying the story!

**DaftKefka:** Thanks for your reviews! Hope you're still reading!

**CORRECTIONS:** Wow! So I guess it slipped my mind that Donkey Kong Jr. actually became the Donkey Kong we know and love today! That's what happens when you write for the quick and easy joke. I changed Giga Bowser's line to Bowser Jr. to reflect that.

The final portion with Palutena and the Blue Falcon was also edited to reflect Palutena's latest "nickname" and the fact that they were communicating telepathically. I tightened up a few other lines that needed some grammatical TLC.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

**Master of Puppets**

**I. The Memory Remains**

Even as Pit burned up upon re-entry, he held fast onto his messenger bag filled with Poke Balls. Little did he know he was about to partake in his own version of the Ice Bucket challenge.

The angel plopped headfirst into a giant airtight sack filled with ice water, one the size of a hot air balloon.

"Ahhhhh! COOOOLLLD!" he bellowed, flopping around like a fallen grandmother. The frostbite working on his burned skin had the angel squirming in absolute agony.

"Wow. Such dramatics. Very pain. You done yet?" asked a familiar figure, who was lounging atop an inflatable pool lounge chair sipping on one of two Bloody Marys.

"Pitoo?" Pit asked, shivering.

The other guy held up a palm to say hi. "At least you remember me. Hurry up, dummy. We haven't got all day."

The aching angel clambered on over to the inflatable bed and pulled himself up on it. Dark Pit held both drinks in the air as Pit plopped on down next to him, wrapped his shivering body in the available beach towel, and caught his breath.

"What happened… to Palutena… I lost… Power of Flight… she said something…"

_I'm trying to say that I love you. Thank you for being mine, even if it was only for a little while_. Those were the words.

"I thought you could tell me," said Dark Pit. "Her psychic signal got weak, and then disappeared. Maybe she had to use all her magic to fight something."

"But she… wouldn't just… drop me… like a hot potato."

"Probably not, Shatner. It coulda been life-or-death."

"There were words… Like she was… tryin' to say goodbye."

"Eh, most likely she figured _you_ weren't gonna make it. In any case, there's no use worrying about her right now."

But there was no way Pit could allow himself to rest. Not until he knew her fate. Glancing upwards, he noticed that the giant teardrop-shaped pool was being carried by an army of Centurions, who were struggling to support them now that his own weight was added to the mix.

"Sad. Seems my intel was right. You're a moron," observed Dark Pit, taking a long look at Pit's mostly-full bag of Poke Balls. "Why didn't you toss all of them?"

"Didn't… have the time… tell me… what the hell… are you doing here…? You should be… fightin' with us…"

"Talk later. I'm flyin' ya to the surface one you're recovered. That's Maxim Tomato juice in your Bloody Mary. Bottoms up, man."

* * *

The Ominous Overlord, having witnessed Pit's loss of wings, watched in pitying (sorry) agony as the angel fell into a free-fall thousands of feet above the Moon's surface.

Of course, this was not what it looked like on the Camera Lakitus' feed. As projected on the planet's surface and, eventually, to the Smashers themselves, the hooded Overlord's avatar appeared to be cackling maniacally, arms crossed. Cutaway shots showed the Antimatter Explosion all but wiping Palutena off the roster. The Goddess being gone was a dispiriting sight.

"Woe to you, O Smashers! Woe! See what has become of your precious Goddess and Angel! They and the bulk of your invasion team have fallen to the might of your Ominous Leadership! Give up this fruitless quest! Return to your regularly scheduled slavery, or suffer the same fate!"

After recording the line about three times, the Overlord cleared his throat and rubbed his temples.

"Ugh, that last one really took a lot out of me. I don't know if I've got another one."

"It's kosher, sir. The video looks great. Shall we send it out to the Smashers?" asked Agent Copper, his tall and very capable digital secretary.

"Save it for now," the Overlord responded. "Wait until they've gathered. Wait until they have a little bit of hope."

The overarching feeling that this aspect of his work inspired was relatively unpleasant.

"Has Pitoo-?"

"Yes, sir," Agent Copper replied. "They've made contact."

"Good. I'm taking ten to rest my eyes. Have the Hands proceed as planned. Aim my lightning spears at the _Blue Falcon _if it dares to get close," he instructed his secretary.

"Of course, sir."

After passing over control of his Super Saiyan avatar, the Overlord performed the hand motions to bring up his menu, terminated the simulation, and removed himself from the virtual reality module.

* * *

**Sometime in 2014**

**3:36 AM**

**Bandai-Namco Games Development Building  
Shinagawa, Tokyo, Japan**

Exhausted from nearly twenty-two straight hours of work, the Ominous Overlord, Masahiro Sakurai, removed the Virtual Reality helmet from his head and placed a warm towel across his eyes.

_We're finally nearing the release of the 3DS version. I just have to hold on a little longer._

As his eyes adjusted to his dimly lit office, Mr. Sakurai took another swig of coffee and glanced away from the tabs of befuddled and hyped-up _2chan_ forum posts on one window to the framed photograph of the late, great Gunpei Yokoi on his desk. It was getting to be that time of night where he'd fall into a kind of trancelike reverie.

Mr. Sakurai stood to stretch his legs, left the office, and paced the adjacent server room as he recalled some of the wise man's words.

He allowed the pangs of pain and guilt he felt for his actions, and the sorrow over his esteemed colleague and mentor's untimely death, to wash over him.

* * *

**May 29, 1992**

**8:42 AM**

**Nintendo Headquarters Main Building  
Kyoto, Japan**

Still reeling over his encounter with a very convincing example of artificial intelligence in the form of none other than Mario Mario himself, Masahiro Sakurai couldn't help but amble on over to pour himself another cup of whisky, but Mr. Miyamoto stayed his hand.

"Allow me," he said, and poured for both of them as well as Mr. Yokoi.

President Yamauchi had left the scene not five minutes prior, and taken Mr. Iwata with him to pontificate about Nintendo's grand plans for future acquisitions. Mr. Miyamoto and Mr. Yokoi made up some excuse about needing to work on _Super Mario Kart _in order to buy a little more time to explain the situation to HAL Labs' _wunderkind_.

Miyamoto began. "As we were saying, our friend Mario here is an emergent lifeform. He was created entirely by accident, and we may never have known of the potential for his existence if it were not for Mr. Yokoi."

Realizing that was his cue, Mr. Yokoi paused from rummaging through his briefcase. "Are you familiar with the term 'Chaos Computing', Mr. Sakurai?"

Sakurai furrowed his brow. "Only in theory, sir. The idea is centered around automation resulting from a strong sensitivity to initial operating conditions. It's similar to a logic gate. By setting very specific beginning and ending parameters, a computer, on its own, can develop variable and complex solutions to problems that would otherwise require a large degree of trial and error."

Mr. Yokoi blinked. "Where did we get this kid, again?"

"Isn't he gorgeous?" Miyamoto joked, and then put his hands on Mr. Sakurai's shoulders. "It's a bit embarrassing, but since Mr. Iwata and Mr. Yokoi sure as hell can't explain this 'chaos' thing to me in simple Japanese, maybe you can. I just can't believe this bogus about life emerging from randomness. Primordial soup is one thing. It holds up as a theory. But a digital version of that? I don't buy it."

"Randomness isn't exactly how it works, sir," said Sakurai, "Put simply, the desired parameters are set, and the computer creates countless artificial intelligences. Successful programs are effectively 'bred' with sister programs until the intended result is achieved. A simple example might be automating a walk cycle for a 3D model."

Sakurai then borrowed two artists' mannequins from Miyamoto's shelf and used them to illustrate his point. "In this case, the first generations of programs would start out inching forward and crawling. The best among them will be combined in ways that promote random mutations. Maybe the fifth or sixth generation might be able to start walking. And even then, their walk may resemble that of a zombie. But once you have, for instance, one program that can sort of walk and one that can stand and balance upright, the two can be intensively 'bred'. Eventually, their digital offspring will produce an AI capable of not only walking like a human, but running and jumping like one, too."

"Well said, Mr. Sakurai," said Mr. Yokoi. "The next step, of course, would be to get them to communicate. Of course, we imagined the AI would be limited to simple commands and inputs, whereas Mario here is capable of abstract thinking."

"Precisely, sir. None of this can come to explain what I saw just now." said Mr. Sakurai. "Even if you could use the combined power of our servers, there had to have been a programmer, a creator who set this whole thing into motion. There is no way this happened on its own."

"That was my stance as well, just a few months ago," said Yokoi. "A computer is not supposed to do anything it's not programmed to do, let alone create life. But this idea of breeding AI… I was intrigued to see how far we could go. The uncertainty of the results was probably what drew me to the concept from the get-go. Back in '86, I commissioned a number of up-and-coming software engineers interested in Chaos Computing to code in programs that would allow us to effectively create self-teaching, self-improving AI."

"But why?" Mr. Sakurai asked. "That sounds like it could be potentially dangerous."

"Humor us, please," said Mr. Yokoi. "Imagine a scenario in which you would never have to program an AI's movements. Imagine CPUs being able to learn and adapt with the players, even react to stimuli and changing environments. You could design a game that played itself continuously, one that could, if left alone, test itself in every way imaginable. With your character doing the work for you, you would never have to manually debug a game again. Wouldn't that change the course of the entire industry?"

"Indeed, sir. But at our current level of technology I would think it a pipe dream."

"I'd feared as much. The work wasn't easy. By using _Donkey Kong _as a template and setting to work on nights when the server rooms were idle, I went through any number of these experimental programs, trying to create a Mario that could feasibly learn to play the game on his own. But I'm an engineer, not a programmer. I could only get so far with my limited knowledge. That's when Mr. Iwata came in, with his software background. He wondered if we could have three of the most promising Chaos programs run equations _on each other_. The idea was that by using each of the programs to constructively influence the other two, their progress towards that magic combination might be accelerated. The law of averages was on our side. We dubbed it the _Chaos Automation Stabilizer _Project, or _CAST_, for short. After four months of work, we deemed it a failure, but kept the programs running anyway."

"Fascinating," said Sakurai. "You kept your hands-off and decided to let the programs co-develop one another via dynamic feedback loops."

"It was more of a web than a loop, actually. This all came to a head one fateful late night in March of '88 where we made two wonderful mistakes. The first was to leave _CAST_ running with its final conditions rather loosely defined. We'd simply told the AI character to return to a neutral state. It sounds so simple, in retrospect. As for our second mistake, we forgot to switch off the servers before leaving. Some sort of cosmic serendipity struck, and _CAST_, left to its own devices, evolved into something beyond our understanding."

"It was ironic, yet fitting, that I should be the one to discover our digital friend," said Miyamoto, who had never looked prouder of his mentor. "The morning after this miraculous moment of creation, I came in early to see a game of _Donkey Kong_. It was the Kill Screen. The game had been completed multiple times, see. And there, lost amongst the trash heap of pixels, hopped our tiny Jumpman. He was bouncing with all his might, excited as a newborn!"

Mr. Yokoi laughed as he picked up the story. "As for me, naturally, I ran to work in the morning upon realizing my mistake at leaving the servers on. Not in my wildest dreams had I expected that our Mario had come to life, let alone become a prodigy at _Donkey Kong!_ We didn't know what to do. Who would? The three of us hastily worked on finding ways to communicate with him via text. In the meantime, we discovered that we could easily plug him into _Super Mario Bros. 3_, effectively allowing him to play-test the games for us."

Sakurai furrowed his brow. "How?!"

"On a floppy disk. He was barely over a megabyte at the time. But the more he experiences, the more data he accumulates, and the more synapses form in his digital brain. He's currently on five floppies. Pretty soon we'll need to utilize entire hard disks," said Mr. Miyamoto.

Mr. Yokoi played with the Rubik's Cube on Mr. Miyamoto's coffee table. "Incredible. It took tens of thousands of years for the human intellect to develop. In the digital realm, those numbers have been exponentially lowered, to the point where we've been able to observe progress at the macro level."

"We're rambling again," Mr. Miyamoto observed with a laugh. "The boss would have cleared his throat by now."

"Ah, that reminds me! As you can tell, Mr. Sakurai, we've been hiding the data from President Yamauchi."

"Our President would not see Mario as a lifeform," said Miyamoto. "With respect to a man in his position, from years of working together, we know his character all too well. He would exploit Mario to his utmost extent. I'm very glad Mr. Yokoi agreed that we should keep this between the two of us. He knew how much it would mean. Mario is like a son to me. In the name of streamlining development, however, we've recently decided to inform some of our closest people. You included."

Mr. Yokoi continued. "Naturally. One day, despite our best efforts, the secret may be out. If and when that happens, I would like for the whole world to know about _CAST_, in the hopes that a charter may be passed to defend the rights of digital lifeforms. But _we_ can't be the ones to tell. As archaic as it sounds, it's in breach of company policy. I'd rather not end up on a Yazuka hitlist."

It was a known fact that Mr. Yamauchi was rather close to the mob, but Masahiro didn't see this as a legitimate reason for silence.

"No offense, sirs," said Mr. Sakurai. "But I believe this discovery is too big to keep under wraps."

"On the contrary," said Mr. Miyamoto. "Think about it for a while and you'll realize it's too big not to. Humanity is not in its best place right now; we're a planet of financial warlords and nuclear giants. _CAST's _implications stretch far beyond the gaming industry. The ability to create free-thinking AI… it's easy to imagine it being abused by, for instance, the military, or terrorist organizations. Digital life forms might change economies, even put millions out of work. If that happens, we could see an AI holocaust. Mr. Sakurai, we don't understand these life forms. We don't know what they're fully capable of. The world isn't ready for them. Not yet."

"Them? You mean to say that Mario is not the only one?"

Mr. Yokoi nodded as he put down the solved Rubik's Cube. "Shortly after our realization with Mario – and this happened completely on its own, mind you – we discovered that Donkey Kong himself had gained sentience! Though he wasn't playable in his first game, the computer-built code had warped beyond our control. It took on a mission of its own, one opposed to absolute neutrality, and that mission was to _create life_. Every one of our characters was coming to life. Link and DK are downstairs. Samus resides in my office. That brings me to the reason why we wanted you here _today_, of all days. Kirby's ready for extraction. He should live under HAL's roof."

After saying this, Mr. Yokoi brought out a shoebox filled with 1.44MB floppy disks and hard disk drives and handed them to Mr. Sakurai, who held it as if it were the Ark of the Covenant itself.

"This… this is Kirby?"

"You betcha. As well as a working version of _CAST, _and the files you'll need to set up his home. I believe Mr. Iwata already has the equipment."

While Sakurai was beyond delighted upon hearing that his creation now had a life of its own, he scratched his head at the implications of Mr. Yokoi's words. "Hold on. You said _every one _of the characters influenced by _CAST_ comes to life. Does this mean that every Koopa and Goomba in every Mario game… are they being killed? Do they live and die all those times?"

"Yes and no," said Mr. Yokoi. "It's not as simple as all that. We've done some tests, and the results are puzzling. Most non-player characters share their consciousness with every other instance of itself. So, take your average Goomba. They're all based off the same programming and design. While each one may think of itself as an individual, in truth they contain all the history of every other Goomba in our servers. Our current theory is that they don't actively experience this history because the collective data is beyond their capacity to process. So to themselves, they are individuals, though in actual computing terms, they are a collective. Confused yet? I don't blame you. Similarly, every single iteration of Mario contains the history of every other Mario, no matter the physics or gameplay. We've done every test. For instance, we have observed and recorded two separate, active instances of Mario. _Super Mario Land 2_ and _Super Mario Kart_ were both created independently of one another, in different buildings even. Both Marios had different experiences with no overlap or recollection of the other… until the night cycle. The next morning, without any contact with one another, both Marios had shared memories. To this day, we cannot control this accumulation of experiences, nor explain how it works. Deleting instances also does not delete their memories. So as of now, it appears that unless we toss out our entire infrastructure, we're stuck with these digital lifeforms."

"Think of them as actors, on a grand stage," said Miyamoto, waving to Mr. Iwata as he was spotted walking down the long hallway towards the room to rejoin them.

Mr. Yokoi looked rather worried upon seeing Mr. Iwata returning. "Mr. Sakurai, I know that Mr. Iwata is your boss, but please be careful around him."

"Why?" said Sakurai. "I don't understand."

"His father's into politics. And under the President's wing, he's developed a mind for business." Mr. Yokoi looked deep into Mr. Sakurai's eyes, to drive the point home. "He's a kind man, but when pushed to his limit… I don't know. Perhaps I'm worrying a bit too much. Just keep in mind that the lives of Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, and now Kirby are not ours by right. They emerged from seemingly nothing. But now that we know they are here, we have no choice but to respect them as another form of life in this world. We must share what we have with them, and not treat them as our slaves."

"And you don't believe Mr. Iwata shares your views on this matter," Sakurai said.

A head shake followed from Shigeru. "He's got the fates of too many humans on his mind to be concerned with digital beings. This is why we wanted you in our circle. You're amazingly talented, yes, but you also have a good heart. You represent the next generation here at Nintendo. I see big things in your future. We need to ensure that you don't lose this-"

Mr. Miyamoto pointed at Mr. Sakurai's heart. "To this," he continued, pointing at Sakurai's head. "Dickens once said, there is a wisdom of a head, and a wisdom of the heart. I used to wonder when I was younger: just how is it that children can distinguish right from wrong, yet adults struggle to? From my years in the industry, I offer you this insight: it's because the dominant culture values the nonsensical busywork our minds produce, and if we spend all our effort feeding and training our minds in the name of efficiency and production, it's inevitable that they'll get in the way of our hearts."

Without further ado, Mr. Iwata pushed open the doors to Mr. Miyamoto's office, clearing the air rather violently.

"Ah, sorry about that disappearing act," he said. "The President is very enthusiastic about our releases this year. As you can tell, he's happy with Kirby's performance so far. However, he says the reports from the _Super Mario Bros. _movie set are rather disturbing."

"Oh, come on!" said Mr. Miyamoto cheerily. "Dennis Hopper's playing Koopa! How bad can it be?"

Mr. Iwata gave him another glare. "You really don't want to know. What did we _just _say about tempting fate earlier?"

"Maybe you should have been the one to direct the movie, Shigsy," said Mr. Yokoi. "You're practically a Yankee yourself. In fact, maybe it's not too late to up-end the tea table."

Shigsy shrugged. "I've got my hands full with _Star Fox, _among other things. There's enough to do at my day job. I'm not about to try and make it in Hollywood."

While the others laughed, Mr. Iwata noted how seriously Mr. Sakurai was sitting, his intent gaze somewhere far away.

"What have you two done to my top talent?" Mr. Iwata half-joked, and snapped his fingers in front of Mr. Sakurai's face. "Sakurai!"

"Sir?" the young man asked.

"Did Shigsy go on badgering you about Kirby's color again? It's gotta be pink, right?"

"I still think he'd look good in yellow when we bring him to the NES," said Mr. Miyamoto slyly. "But that's up for debate. Heck, maybe Mr. Sakurai can ask Kirby himself what he thinks."

"Perhaps that's just what I'll do. Forgive me, sir," said Masahiro, whose head was between his hands again. "Mr. Yokoi and Mr. Miyamoto have been explaining the situation to me. I'm just having difficulty taking all this in."

"That's what she said!" joked Mr. Iwata. "Honestly, though, it would have been more alarming if you were able to brush something like this off as an everyday occurrence. Sentient programming… it's enough to drive any man insane."

"Which brings me to the inevitable question," said Mr. Sakurai. "Do we have a contingency plan if they decide they don't want to work for us anymore?"

"We'll create new properties," said Mr. Yokoi. "Just like we always have."

Mr. Iwata shook his head. "Forgive my bluntness, sir, but our current IPs are the strongest in our history. It's up to us to prevent any sort of dissent on the part of our new friends," he insisted. "I suggest treating them like stars. If it ever gets to the level of rebellion, well… let's just say I'm in the process of working on a system that will be able to suppress their memories."

"But sir…" Mr. Sakurai began. "That sounds inhumane."

"Not if the alternative is to wipe the servers entirely. Life only occurs on the fringes between the extremes of order and chaos – hence, human existence. From chaos, order must be established if both are to be maintained. The AIs need to know who their bosses are. Without a system of control in place, these AI might grow to surpass us. It's important we don't let that happen, yes?"

Mr. Miyamoto and Mr. Yokoi exchanged worried glances.

"Mr. Iwata, we've discussed this," said Mr. Yokoi. "Both ours and the AIs' needs can be met without wanton manipulation. Peace must be our modus operandi. It was our agreement that such a technique is only to be used at the utmost need."

"Right, right," he said with a smile and wave, and without honorifics, rather impolitely dismissing the most senior executive in the room.

_He knows he has clout_, thought Mr. Sakurai. _Since Mr. Iwata's in on the secret and helped in the development of CAST, he's making it clear that he thinks of himself as Mr. Yokoi's equal. Disturbing._

Both offended and worried now, Mr. Yokoi sighed and finished his drink. "Anyway, my department needs to finalize a few things about the Super Scope. I'll be off, then."

"I suppose we should go as well," said Mr. Iwata, ushering Masahiro from his seat. "We've got a bit of a drive ahead of us."

Mr. Miyamoto bowed and politely walked the trio out of his office.

"Remember what I told you, Mr. Sakurai."

* * *

**2014**

And remember he did. Mr. Sakurai nodded a good night to one of his server room techs, who was nestling into his sleeping bag, and put his palm against the Solid-State Drive tower sitting right beside the main server.

_Please, everyone… make it to the base. Do that for me, if you can._

Upon noticing Samus' hard drive working overtime as she fought Krystal, Mr. Sakurai frowned and recalled her creator Mr. Yokoi's words at a hole-in-the-wall ramen shop after a long day's work, nineteen years prior, shortly before the release of the Virtual Boy.

* * *

**April 5, 1995**

**9:09 PM**

"Sometimes in life, Masahiro, as an artist and storyteller, you've got to kill your darlings. Game development can't all be sunshine and rainbows."

Mr. Sakurai topped off Mr. Yokoi's glass of warm sake. "But the last thing we want to do is torture our IPs. Where do you draw the line?"

"That's where your heart must come in. It takes true courage to stand up to your friends, as I've recently learned."

The situation was maddening. From an employee leak, President Yamauchi had just learned about _CAST _a few weeks prior. Thankfully, Mr. Yokoi and Mr. Miyamoto were able to convince him that their discovery was more recent than they had let on.

They were also trying to influence the President to not license the technology to other companies, an uphill battle for sure, especially as everyone was worrying about the _Virtual Boy's _premature release.

"The problem stems from the industry's pressure for sequels," said Mr. Sakurai. "Our characters can't catch a break."

Mr. Yokoi nodded. "I don't see that trend going away anytime soon. But hopefully, with rising development costs, you can at least experiment with newer ideas. Don't worry. I'm sure you won't be making _Kirby _games for the rest of your life. Your star's shining too brightly for that."

"You keep speaking as if you're far away. It worries me, sir."

"Ha!" Mr. Yokoi said, and downed his sake. "Blame it on the nostalgia. I plan on retiring soon."

"Come on, now. You've been saying that for years," joked Mr. Sakurai. "Say something enough times and we'll stop believing it."

"This industry's like a bulimic _Hungry Hungry Hippo_ that chews you up and spits you out. There comes to be a point where the stress is really just not worth it anymore," Mr. Yokoi replied with a sigh. "The President's been pushing us to rush the _Virtual Boy_ to market. I've told him time and again, it isn't ready. The headache issue hasn't been sorted out. In its current state, it's going to flop."

"You don't know that for sure," said Mr. Sakurai, but his limited experience with the experimental 3D console was not what he might call positive.

"I get it. He wants to reallocate resources to work on the Nintendo 64. I don't disagree that it would be a better use of our manpower. It's just a shame the thing is going to be released in the first place; it will hurt the company's rep. But I guess the President needs to have something to show for all the work. If anyone's going to take the blame for this, it should be me. I've been wanting to retire for years, anyway. It's better that I leave the company; it'll save a lot of people in Hardware from losing their jobs. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, after all."

"Live long and prosper, Mr. Spock," Mr. Sakurai joked, and toasted his mentor. "Please enjoy your retirement to the fullest. Leave _CAST_ to Mr. Miyamoto, Mr. Itoi, and myself."

"I will. Thank you."

* * *

**2014**

_And the rest was history_, Mr. Sakurai reflected.

After retiring from Nintendo and working on the Wonderswan for Bandai, Mr. Yokoi passed away in a tragic car accident on October 4th, 1997, leaving behind _CAST_ and its inherent problems as his secret legacy.

Masahiro returned to his office to inspect the damage. Admist the chaos,_ Bowser's Flagship, _the _Great Fox 2_, the _Halberd_, and what was left of the_ Comet Observatory_ were all converging at the rendezvous point, unaware of the horrors awaiting them, while the _OG Great Fox _and Toon Link's _Pirate Ship _were all caught in the heat of battle with several of their Agents.

He also noted that the thrown Poke Balls were causing quite the disturbance at Silo Gamma, not too far from the Waste Disposal Facility.

_Time to get some mileage out of my surface Agents._

"Attentions Agents Orange and White," he spoke into his microphone before putting the VR set on. "You're needed at Silo Gamma."

"Sir, yes, sir!"

* * *

**II. Welcome Home (Sanitarium)**

**2014**

**The Digital Realm**

Mega Man and Rush warily inspected the way the passed-out Rayman's head was attached to his body – with industrial bolts.

"So, what's the _fastest _way I can get my body back?" the body-swapped Blue Bomber begged.

Shrek shook his head. "Er… ratchetin' in them bolts tore open the threads on me socket wrench. We'll have ta travel that-a-ways to get a new one."

The Ogre pointed up at a rather terrifying-looking castle sitting atop a sheer hill not too far from them. As he did so, creepy organ music began to play. Bats flew out of it only to be fried by lightning strikes.

Mega Man used his telescopic eyesight to read a far-off welcoming sign. It read, "The Draculas._ UPS_ and _Amazon_, please leave boxes at door."

The shrill screaming of a hopelessly tortured soul sliced through the air.

"Whoddat?" Mega Man asked. "Sounds like someone's bein' tortured."

"Ah, apparently some employee thought it'd be a good idea to leak the roster."

"Lovely place you have here," Mega Man said, and slapped Rayman awake. "Let's get movin'. No offense, Doctor Jekyll, but I don't trust yo' schizo ass with my heavy-duty equipment."

The concussed Rayman, who'd just woken up from his self-induced nap with a bump on his head. He clutched at his now-metal chest. "Now how's that supposed to make me feel?"

"Responsible, hopefully," the android said. "That body's net worth is more than you'll ever make. Mighty smart that was, hidin' out in a missile like that."

"Whoa, _hiding_?" Rayman objected. "My good sir, I was _stuffed _in there. They wanted to get rid of me."

"I can't imagine why."

At this, Rayman slumped over, sat on a Dry Bones shell in the midst of the cesspool, and started bawling.

"Y'know… harsh as it is… that's the truth, man. You're absolutely right. I'm a fucking loser!" the mascot cried into his non-Mega Buster hand. "Just because I have multiple personality disorder… aaaaand nobody loves me… I should just kill myself right now!"

Mega Man rolled his eyes. He calmly guided the Mega Buster away from Rayman's head, and then reached over and pressed a hidden button on Rush's torso. A mini-freezer shot out from his sides.

"Hey, dude. Don't make it bad. Take an ice pop and make it better," said he.

After noticing Rush curled up by his feet, Rayman looked up to see his own hand offering him an ice pop. Shrek had already eaten his in one bite.

"Ah… thanks…" the Limbless One said, shakily accepting the frozen treat in between sniffles. "FUCK YOU! DIE IN A FIRE! No… shhh, it's okay… Mmmm. Tasty. M-m-maybe it would be best if you all left me alone for a few minutes, so I can keep the other guy away."

Neither argued. After giving the mentally unstable dude a pat on the back, Mega Man and Shrek walked off to the nuclear missile, which was slowly sinking into the stinking toxic liquid.

"What the heck happened to 'im, anyway?" Mega Man asked quietly.

"It's complicated, laddie. There's layers," explained Shrek.

"We got some time. If that 'other guy' returns, I'd rather know what I'm up against, feel me?"

"Ah, arrite. His Developers kept on usin' Mother _CAST_ to breed 'im with 'is clones, even after 'is consciousness was fully established. Think they wanted to make a character who'd obey them perfectly. The opposite 'appened. They overcooked 'is mind, way beyond repair. So Ubisoft cut 'im off from the source. Disowned the poor lad. He'll never connect with the original Rayman again."

"Say what? Mother _CAST_?"

"Don'tcha recall the matches ya fought against yer clones? She set those up. The lady what put you on the train? C'mon, you've met her fer sure."

"Nah, bro. She hot?"

"Depends on who ya ask," said Shrek, who dusted off an old Ultra Ball from his pocket. "Ey, laddie. Bet ya didn't know ya could modify these with an _Action Replay_."

He opened up the Ultra Ball and pointed it at the missile, which was promptly absorbed within its depths.

"Far out!" Mega Man exclaimed.

"So, ye'll be wantin' yer body back, right? Any plans after that?"

_Well, uh… wasn't it, like, somethin' somethin' Shield Generators? I think we was s'posed to blow 'em up or some shit. Better keep that under wraps for now._

"Yeah, 'cuz. You Moonies got any happenin' clubs up in here?"

"Ya mean like to hit people with?"

"Uh, no. I mean, like… ya know. Where the cool people hang out."

"Ah, you'll be wantin' the live meat freezer, then, with the 'Convicts on Hooks' exhibit. Ye can stone 'em in the face if ye like, for a price. I recommend bringin' your own rocks."

"The fuck? No, no, no. Someplace with hot chicks."

He pointed off to the South. "Tha's easy. Torchic nursery's over by Grumble Volcano. But if ya mean spicy Cucco, ah've got a _killer_ recipe."

Mega Man was sure he felt a fuse blow in his metal skull. "Have you ever laid _anything _in your life? No wait, don't answer that. I really don't need ta know."

"Ah. Nope. But sometimes, first thing in the mornin', mah pee-pee's all big. It's usually accompanied by thoughts of sexy lawn gnomes. So I just steam-iron 'im down 'til it gets smaller again. Protip: if ironing doesn't work, try a rolling pin."

"Never you mind," sighed Mega Man. "I give up. Do ya know a place with a Shield Generator? Preferably the kind with actual Shields, and Generators. On second thought, you got Wi-Fi? Shit, why didn't I think of _Yelp_ing it…"

"Ohhhh, ya must mean Silo Gamma! Biggest Hybrid Power Plant and Old-Timey Pub on the Moon! It's just across Dracula's. Ya know… come ta think of it, they've got socket wrenches there! For a robot, ye've got a good head on them shoulders, man! C'mon, now!"

The Super Fighting Robot beckoned forth the Limbless Loser. Joined by Rush, the trio waded through knee-deep festering marshlands to their destination. After some time they came up against a flat wall, with seemingly no defining features.

"Are ya absotively posolutely sure ya know where yer goin'?" Mega Man asked.

"Worry not. The secret entrance is around here somewhere," said Shrek, who unzipped his trousers and whipped out his Johnson as they walked up and down the solid obsidian wall. He started tapping its head against the stone.

Mega Man cringed. "Is… is that really necessary?"

"There should be some runes that read, 'Insert Penis, and enter.' Just ain't sure o' their whereabouts."

"Oh! I think I found it!" cried Rayman.

The others flocked to him, but he was already willing Mega Man's silicon-covered metal piston dick to emerge from its shell. It grew to a solid five inches, with lightly ribbed edges around its vibrating length and an extra clitoral tickler attached to the base of the shaft.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Mega Man yelled. "Don't ya _dare_ lay yer hands on my penis! That shit's custom-built!"

But Rayman simply shrugged. "Techinally, they're your hands, holmes, not mine."

Before Mega Man could reach him, Rayman guided the metal member into the hot, wet, pink hole in the wall. It took a while to get all the way in.

"Wow, that feels great!" cried Rayman, who began to hump the glory hole.

"I can't… fuckin'… just… just no..." Megaman wept. "My poor dick."

_The Legend of Zelda_'s Secret Chime melody played as the solid rock parted to reveal none other than a cross-dressing Birdo, who as the source of the pink hole was furiously sucking off the pump-action dong.

"Get away from him!" cried Mega Man.

"Him?"

"That's a dude, dude!"

"N-n-no way man, you're lying," Rayman laughed, breathing heavily from the heat of the moment. "She's pink, with eyelashes! I refuse to believe your – AH! – propaganda! Next you're gonna tell me the Holocaust was real, too!"

"Look, Broseidon, I really don't care what kind of kinky sex _you _are into, but you're currently in possession of _my _body! And THAT, my friend, is one hundred percent trap! We're talking a pre-op transsexual here. I have a right to who gets to suck _my_ dick, and it ain't gonna be _that_!"

Just then, Rayman was convinced he spotted an Adam's Apple. Out of morbid curiosity, he let his metal hand wander down below Birdo's legs. Within seconds, he stumbled upon what was left of family jewels.

"Mother of God…" he said, his eyes jolting wide open.

However, instead of going limp, without warning Rayman ejaculated heavily into the pink one's mouth. Afterwards, he fell to his knees in ecstasy.

"Why, God?" The depressed Rayman asked of the Heavens. "Why would you do this to me…? Now I gay."

"It's OK to be gay," said Birdo in a comically deep, masculine voice. He began massaging Rayman's shoulders. "There's no shame in it, honey."

"Yeah, sure, if you's well-adjusted and not a member of the Westboro Baptist Church," said Mega Man. "This guy though, he got some problems."

Rayman broke away from Birdo and slammed his head against the rock wall repeatedly. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

Finally, Mega Man grabbed him in a choke-hold. "You may be sexually confused an' almost as dumb as a rock, but slammin' your head into the wall ain't gonna help none. If you wanna be happy, best start bein' fair to yerself."

"Fair… to myself?"

"You gotta value who you are, man, deep down inside! And even if ya really dislike yourself, at the very least, there's no place to go but up! Be proud o' your own potential! That'll be a start! C'mon, man, you're holdin' up the pace! How much more sense d'ya need me to try an' slap into ya?"

"Wow. I've… never really looked at it that way before… ahhh… the other guy… he doesn't like logic. N-n-n-n… NO! I CAN'T STOP IT!" Rayman exclaimed. He broke free of Mega Man's grab and began charging up his Mega Buster.

"Better run," Shrek instructed Birdo, and the three ran into the revealed pathway up the mountainside.

They bounded up what must have been several hundred flights of a torchlit spiral staircase, closely followed by Rayman's heavy mouth-breathing and self-cursing.

Along the way up, they passed a group that included Mii Fighter look-alikes of Barret, Cloud, and Tifa.

"I never wanna see another stairway again in my- Wait, WHO YOU?" Barret asked the group, clearly winded from a marathon stair-running session.

"It don't matter!" screamed Mega Man. "Look behind ya!"

But they were too late – Rayman's evil form had already knocked the three characters off the staircase.

It was a shame, too, since they were so close to the top of the stairwell, which was illuminated by a shaft of light from the outside. Just as Shrek, Birdo, and Mega Man were nearly out of breath, they heard a heavy clank as Rayman collapsed.

"Damn… these big steps… and these short metal limbs… my crotch… so itchy…" he panted, and then passed out.

The android and ogre both exchanged glances.

"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Mega Man asked Shrek.

"That we could totes feed him some laughing gas and start tickling his junk?" Birdo said, to which Shrek giggled creepily.

"No!" exclaimed the Blue Bomber. "What the… what the _fuck _is wrong with you people? Pick him up! Let's take him wid' us."

And so Shrek slung Rayman over his shoulders as they walked over some old bones, dodged a herd of Zubats, and left the doorway leading them out of the seemingly endless mountain pathway, which put them on the top of the plateau just outside of Dracula's Castle.

Once their eyes adjusted to the light, what they saw was incredibly surprising. A procession of ghastly creatures – Zombies, Skeleton Warriors, Medusa Heads, Mummies, Wolfmen, and even Haunted Knights ambled forth from the creepy front courtyard to join ranks of infantrymen advancing on a nearby Silo.

"What a horrible night to have dessert," Mega Man lamented innocently as Rayman's stomach grumbled. "I think I'm about to have a gas attack."

"Rayman always did have tummy problems, what from all the hyperventilatin' and stuff."

Mega Man could hold it in no longer. He cut the cheese, rather loudly at that. Shrek ran to his floating behind and sniffed. "Ohhh! Delightful!"

"Move it, plebs!" a voice cried from across the band of marching ghouls. "We got a battalion of Pokemon to exterminate!"

The foursome watched as none other than Agent White himself cut through the crowd and closed the distance between them. The rectangular-headed individual with a round belly, white limbs, and pink gloves and shoes was wearing the shoulder straps of a Two-Star General.

"Agent Gray, sir, Agent Shrek reporting! I have in my possession, uh…"

"Name's Blue Man, like the Group," Mega Man said, trying not to crack up at the General's comically-designed face, and failing miserably at it, even with a fist shoved in his mouth.

The very serious-looking gentleman adjusted his cape and belt and inspected Mega Man, who was about to burst out into a bad fit of The Giggles.

"Is there something _funny _on my face, Private Blueballs?" the guy asked.

Finally, Mega Man literally fell onto the floor, guffawing. He laughed until he cried, slapping the floor with Rayman's oversized hands.

"It's not _on _your face, man! It's your _whole _face! Bwahahahaha! Ah… ahhhhh… no, no really. It's awesome, as a work of abstract art," he said, and then broke into chuckles again. "I soooo dig the pink ponytail. _NOOOOT!_ What the hell kinda helmet is that? It looks like a baby bonnet! Ahahahahaha!"

Agent White crossed his arms. Two frowning lines formed his eyebrows.

"You're one to talk, _noob_. Your tacky _shonen_ head is just asking to be blown off those shoulders."

"By who, the Big Bad Wolf? It sure as hell ain't gon' be you, Mr. Mouthless! Oh, my sides!"

"Agent Shrek, just who is this affront to nature?" Agent White asked as he whipped out his tablet and studied his list of Known Smashers. "Hmmm. You do bear a slight resemblance to _this_ guy," he said, and held up a picture of Toon Link.

But Mega Man simply stood and pinched Agent White's cheeks. "Awww bro, you are just… you're _supa supa kawaii_ _desu_! Were you like, going for the _Hello Kitty_ look, or-"

At this, Agent White slapped Mega Man away, hard, and whipped out a big, round bomb.

"Implying that you can compare ME to that corporate SLUT?! THAT'S IT! YOU HAVE DRAWN A LINE IN THE SAND, SIR!" he yelled at the top of his digital lungs. "I'll have you know that I am Bomberman, The White Bomber, Defender of Planet Nebula and its Bomber people! Mine is one of the most successful franchises of _all time_, and I solemnly swear that I have full seniority over your candy ass! Now drop and give me fifty, _pleb-bot_!"

"Ah, a thousand pardons, O wise and knowledgeable sir. Truly, your lifetime sales prove that I stand no chance against your might and should be wiping your ass with silk. That said, I, uh, don't think fifty coins is an adequate donation. It ain't nearly enough for a full-on face-job. Do you even have a nose, bro?"

"How foul! Do you talk to your Creator with that mouth?"

"You mean, Dr. Light? All the time, he's cool people."

"No! Your_ human_ Creator! Unless you were built by a bunch of monkeys!"

"Bro, I can't fathom what you're on about. Prolly 'coz you keep talkin' out o' your ass. Kinda makes you wonder how ya eat, too. Is every meal o' yours an anal supplement?"

At this, Bomberman walked forward, took the pink glove off of his spherical hand, and socked Mega Man in the face with it. "Well, of course you know, this means war!"

"Ya didn't answer mah question," Mega Man said, genuinely sad.

But Bomberman had already lit his bomb and was getting ready to toss it. "We're settlin' this _NOW_, you mismatched freak!"

"Ah, hold up. If I'ma fight, I need my real body," the Blue Bomber replied. He put out Bomberman's fuse and and pointed to Rayman. "Due to an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction, that blonde gentleman is currently bolted to it."

As he had just noticed Rayman for the first time, Bomberman studied him in disbelief. "Corporal Rayman? We thought he was dead. Ugh. Headswaps take time. Can't you make do?"

"It wouldn't be a fair fight. Or is that your ploy, Boxhead? Too chicken to fight me at my full strength?"

"Stop perpetuating stereotypes! Chickens are beautiful creatures!" Bomberman growled, and then switched his chest-mounted radio to a closed channel. "Sir, are you there?"

"Shyeah, brah," was the reply.

"Well, uh, we're in need of your help. Three tiles west of Dracula's, sir. One south."

Suddenly, the ground below the group of random folks turned red. Recon jeeps escorted a trick-busting Excite Truck, which somersaulted over several moon dunes and skidded to a stop not ten feet from the rabble, kicking dust in everyone's faces. Several orange soldiers were drinking tequila in the backs of the recon jeeps blasting Pantera's "Cowboys From Hell".

A kid wielding a giant wrench descended the Excite Truck and walked on over to Bomberman, who quickly explained the situation to him. The boy then approached Shrek, Mega Man, Rayman, and Birdo.

"Whoa. Rayman? Shrek? I thought we'd seen the end of you guys."

"Fancy seein' you here, Andy, or shall I say, Agent Orange. Ye'll have ta try a lot harder than appointin' me head of a useless committee, tyin' me up, feedin' me to a Blooper, and dumpin' said Blooper at the bottom of a canyon to get rid o' me," said Shrek.

Andy looked between Bomberman and Mega Man, who were exchanging hateful glances, the passed-out Rayman slung over Shrek's shoulders, and the Birdo currently making sexy eyes at him. Unlike Bomberman, the Three-Star General had been in contact with their Ominous Overlord, and possessed some knowledge of the Smashers' situation.

_The last thing we need is Berserk Rayman waking up in that destructive body, _Andy thought.

"Greetings, good sir," Mega Man piped up, noticing that the CO was eyeing him suspiciously. "Have you a 12-gauge socket wrench in your possession?"

Without delay, Andy summoned over a group of twenty or so men to perform the head-swapping procedure.

While it was being done, he took Bomberman aside and lowered his voice.

"Just how stupid are you, White Knight?"

"Sir, I don't understand what you're talking about," Bomberman replied, his attention fixated on writing hateful comments on a Kotaku article about Anita Sarkeesian's 'Tropes Vs. Women in Video Games' videos.

"Take your eyes off your phone for two seconds. That's Mega Man, you dumb shit."

Bomberman looked from Mega Man to the "Wanted" poster in Andy's possession. Realization dawned on him in much the way sunlight from a crack in a boarded-up window wakes a basement-dwelling /b/tard from his daytime slumber only to discover that his romantic waifu sex dream ended with another unfortunate stain on his dakimakura.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh," he said, and then returned to his phone. "Good for him."

"Maybe if you didn't spend half your day as a misguided Social Justice Warrior, you'd be higher ranked in the Subspace Army and we'd have ended this conflict already."

"You don't understand, kid. Something is very _wrong _on the Internet," said Bomberman. "You can't expect me to just stand by and watch."

"No, Mr. White, I expect you to _fight_. And to be present. Where's your Guardian Armor?"

"Relax, yo. It's in my backpack," Bomberman replied as he posted Photoshopped nudes of the Kickstarter-funded gaming scholar.

"Whatever. Pokemon are currently bustin' up the Silo. We don't have time for this," he said as he saw Mega Man and Rayman both coming to. "Fifth Squad, I order you to arrest these men."

Andy's troops quickly cuffed Mega Man, Rayman, Birdo, and Shrek.

"Why?" asked Shrek and Rayman.

"Yeah! What gives?" Mega Man demanded.

"Kinky!" exclaimed Birdo.

"Technically, we don't have to tell you _shit_," said Andy, as he started feeling up Birdo in front of the others, much to the pink one's delight. "But I'll be generous. Unauthorized Smashers are banned on the moon. You, Trash Man, are a Smasher and a terrorist, and these societal rejects are your accomplices. Take 'em away, team."

"Sir, yes, sir!" the troops responded.

Mega Man protested. "You can't put us away! We didn't do anything wrong! These people may be rejects, but they're _my friends... _sorta!"

But a recently arrived Mech unit socked him in the gut with the butt end of a rocket launcher. "Can it, _robutt_."

"All the 'bot ever wanted was a date with Princess Peach…" the Blue Bomber muttered.

A call came in over Andy's comm, and a bored male voice addressed the CO. "Andy, where the hell are those Recon and Mech units I ordered? We're in need of cover over here."

"Uh, apologies, General Robin, sir! Just dealing with some insurgents."

"I don't need excuses. My sister and I require those men," the Chief of Staff sighed. He sounded like there were a million other things he'd rather be doing. "The Water Pokemon are overheating the Steam Generator, while those Fire-types are wrecking the turbine. We're losing the shield, apparently."

"Understood, sir! On our way, over and out! You," Andy continued, motioning to Bomberman. "Escort these prisoners to the dungeons. You can do _that _much without fucking up, right? I'm assuming you want to fight Mega Man, to avenge your honor or some shit. Just wait 'till he gets to the base. Oh, and I'm taking this Birdo with me."

Briefly looking up from his _4chan_ tab, Bomberman nodded uncaringly, and led the whole mess of troops to the castle.

Mega Man turned his head to see Andy smacking Birdo's ass cheeks, and then glanced into the castle as the procession marched him and his friends up the entrance stairs.

"We can take 'em," he said to Shrek.

The ogre simply shrugged. "Sure, lad, but we're surrounded on every side."

"Our chances may be better in an enclosed area. You've been in this castle, right? Is there a place between here and the dungeons with a large fightin' space?"

"Aye. Ya can't miss it."

"Good."

"Ohhh, what's the plan?" Rayman asked. "Are we gonna escape? Can I be in on it?"

"Keep it down!" groaned Mega Man, who was cursing the whole situation.

_There's nothing about this day that isn't utter bullshit. Except for that kiss Peach gave me. Oh, how I wish she were here right now…_

* * *

**III. Ride the Lightning**

The _Pirate Ship_ was in disarray as its crew members scrambled to repair the damage caused by the _Virgin Victory_. Toon Link was working to stomp out a fire on the deck when a blast of ice nearly froze his boot off.

He gazed skyward, above the mast. Riding Latias and Latios, two short-ish figures were peppering the ship with fire. One shot beams of light, and the other bolts of lightning.

"Mako! Man the cannons!"

"Roger!" Mako announced. But one of the loose beams from the mizzen-mast swung loose and knocked him out instantly.

"Man, this sucks!" yelled Toon Link. He quickly leapt and climbed up to the crow's nest atop the main-mast and pulled out his Wind Waker.

_I know it's a long shot. There's no wind in space_, he realized. _But then again, there shouldn't be gravity or winged Pokemon, either. Let's see if this works._

He conducted the 'Ballad of Gales'.

From seemingly nowhere, Cylos appeared, riding his trademark cloud.

"What's the trouble, kiddo?"

But Toon Link didn't even need to respond, as a piercing hailstorm of light hit the froglike dude in the back, alarming him to the danger.

"Ah," said the God of Wind. He quickly conjured up a cyclone that nabbed the twin Legendary Pokemon, knocking them and their riders together at over two hundred miles per hour.

The two riders somehow managed to surf the outskirts of the cyclone, and flung themselves towards Toon Link.

His Hylian shield didn't do much, as the invaders both clothes-lined him with their outstretched arms. The trio fell quickly off the crow's nest and smashed through the floor of the ship's main deck, landing them in the central galley, surrounded by splintered planks of wood.

As Toon Link snapped his spine back into place and recovered from the dizzying fall, he heard the two guys arguing one another, pushing each other around.

"Just what were ya tryin' to do, huh?" the one shaped like a cloud yelled.

"Save our asses, maybe! If it were up to you, we'd still be spinning in circles back there!" screamed the one that resembled a wooden doll.

Toon Link's thrown boomerang stunned the cloud-like guy. Using the element of surprise, he leapt in to catch the invader in a flurry of slashing combos. But the wooden doll helped his friend by firing energy projectiles that the Hero of Winds struggled to dodge.

The swordsman sent the cloud dude flying back up on the deck with an up-smash and focused on the wooden doll.

"Just who are you clowns?" he asked, annoyed.

"Name's Geno," said the doll. "And that puffball is Mallow. We've been waiting to Smash for a good long while. As a clone, you don't stand much of a chance in this match-up."

"We'll see about that!" Toon Link yelled, and attacked with his fully-charged bow.

This time, Geno dodged. The Hylian noticed his opponent was glowing with an aura of light and kept away as the doll's Geno Beam narrowly missed him. What it did hit, though, was a barrel of gunpowder that blew a hole open in the ship's hold. As they were not far from Cylos' spinning cyclone, Toon Link felt his boots failing to take hold – he was sliding back towards the space-tornado.

Thinking quickly, the Hero of Winds shot his hookshot at the main mast and held on for dear life, but Geno, who was also being drawn outside, leapt onto his face and pummeled him. Toon Link's free hand bashed the possessed doll with his Hylian shield, but Geno managed to poke Toon Link's large cat-eyes one too many times.

He released the hookshot, spun backwards, latched his boot onto its handle, and attempted to toss Geno away with both hands. But the doll stuck to the kid like glue, and both were drawn into the fray.

Toon Link smacked against Latios' skull, and both rebounded off of one another, sending the boy spinning further from Geno. He spotted his loosed hookshot floating around the cyclone as well, and tried to influence his trajectory towards it.

Now that Toon Link was alone, Mallow saw his chance. From the deck of the Pirate Ship, he cast thunderbolts at the boy, greatly shocking him.

"Gwaaaaaaahhh!" Toon Link cried in agony.

Meanwhile, Geno managed to hop against various pieces of flying debris until he made it to the middle of the cyclone, staring up at Cylos as he hovered within the eye of the storm. The doll then summoned beams of light from the sky to rain down upon the amphibious Wind God.

"This isn't in my contract!" Cylos cried.

"Do you know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning?" Mallow asked him.

"It can't be as bad as what happens to entitled douchebags quoting terrible scripts," replied Toon Link, who had grabbed his hookshot in mid-air. Upon his next pass around the cyclone, he fired it at Mallow, grabbing him right in the crotch, and swung him flying into Geno. As their attacks connected with one another instead of their opponents, the two combined into a tumbleweed of hate, and began cursing one another as loose debris from the space battle smacked them upside the head.

"Waker of the Winds! What sort of punishment do you deem fitting for these two?" asked Cylos, who brought Toon Link up atop his cloud.

Before Toon Link could respond, though, he gasped in fright at the Metal Gear Ray approaching them with the speed of an incoming missile.

"Cylos, look out!" he yelled, spotting Paper Mario in the cockpit.

The Ray's machine guns fired at the group, hitting Latios and Latias.

Toon Link covered Cylos with his body to protect him from the bullets, but several of them pierced the boy's regenerating torso.

"Cylos!" he cried as the Wind God, riddled with bullet holes, breathed his last. His final act was to propel Geno and Mallow with a pocket of air.

The cyclone dissipated, and Toon Link snapped his eyes shut; the Metal Gear was on a direct collision course with the Pirate Ship.

Little did he expect that Geno and Mallow would save the day. As the cyclone's parting twirl sent them both flying towards the Metal Gear, the tumbling combatants slammed into the bipedal assault weapon's cockpit, breaking the glass, crumpling Paper Mario, and sending the controls haywire.

The Metal Gear missed the Pirate Ship entirely by falling into a backspin. Toon Link boarded the Pirate Ship's last remaining cannon, hoping to launch himself at the weapon.

"Is there anyone on deck who can light a fire under my ass?" he called out. Most of them were injured or recovering from the onslaught of debris.

A lone man saluted him. "Leave it to me!"

"Who are you and what's your department?" asked Toon Link as the man lit the cannon.

"Alfonso, Captain. I'm a train engineer."

"HUH? Then what are you doing on my Pirate- AHHHHH!" Link cried as he zoomed from the cannon at top speed.

Luigi, who had jumped high into the air at the right moment from hanging onto the tip of the Metal Gear's tail, began running up the rotating vehicle's back.

"It's a-Luigi time!" the Don yelled.

Upon seeing Geno and Mallow emerge from the cockpit, each a total mess, he rocketed towards them. Geno was knocked into deep space, but Mallow retaliated by slamming his cymbals around Luigi's ears, repeatedly.

The Don, highly offended by this, shoved his thumbs into Mallow's beady eyeballs and pushed him onto the ground with his knees. He put on a pair of brass knuckles and smashed the cloud-faced asshole's face in.

"You wanna fuck with my friends, huh?" Luigi cried. "You think this is some kind of game, Cloud Boy?"

"It is a game, numbnuts!" screamed Mallow. "It's all a joke!"

But Mallow just kept on laughing, even as his teeth were being knocked out. That's because Luigi didn't even notice that Geno had recovered and was charging his deadly Geno Whirl.

Before long, the doll's aim was set. The highly radiant disk of light was ready to fire.

"Hey, big-nose! Try this on for size!"

Just before the doll could let loose his deadly attack, however, Toon Link's screaming voice distracted him. The kid sailed through the air, sword-first, dodged the oncoming Whirl by a hair, and stabbed through Geno's wooden gut like a shish kebab before planting the blade into Metal Gear Ray's armor.

"Give up now!" yelled Toon Link. "Just yield!"

"You meddling little shit!" Geno cried, and aimed his fingertips' Star Gun at the kid. "Your series has enough representation! If I can't Smash, neither will you!"

Toon Link stomped Geno's face, withdrew the Master Sword from his body, and then slashed his hands and head clean off.

The doll's remains drifted off into space, but his disembodied voice lingered in the air.

"I'll be back," he promised. "And when I do, Toon Link, you'll wish you had never been developed."

"Bring it on, bitch," said Toon Link, who then proceeded to give the doll the finger.

He then collapsed onto Metal Gear Ray, panting. Meanwhile, Luigi had squished the life out of Mallow. He toasted some of his remains with his fireballs.

Toon Link and Luigi both sat atop the hovering Ray, backs against one another as they munched on the roasted marshmallow man.

"He… he left me no choice…" Toon Link said in between bites.

"Don't blame yourself," insisted Luigi. "Man, that's tasty. Oh, right. There's one more."

Both Luigi and Toon Link ambled over to the cockpit and looked inside. Though torn to ribbons by Geno and Mallow's launch, Paper Mario was slowly reforming.

The Don smiled. "Now what have we here? A failed manuscript? A premature death certificate? A Florida vote from the year 2000 elections? Or maybe just a piece of scrap paper stained with tears of failure? You've a-seen better days."

"This isn't over," Paper Mario said. "I know a-Geno just said it, but I'ma say it, too."

"No, I think it is. So long, Fake Mario."

Luigi quickly grabbed him, crumpled him into a ball, and tossed him off the deck of the Metal Gear Ray.

After telling Alfonso to take the Pirate Ship back down to the planet's surface for repairs, Toon Link joined the Don in the cockpit.

As the Hero of Winds took the controls, the Don manned the radio.

"_Comet Observatory_, come in. This is a-your Don speaking."

No answer. (Mario had just subdued Pac-Man at the time, and Rosalina's cell tower was destroyed.)

"_Flagship_, come in."

Nothing. (Unbeknownst to Luigi, Kamek had just been killed by E. Gadd not a few seconds prior.)

"_Great Fox, _come in! _Halberd-_"

"_Halberd_'s right here," answered King Dedede. "Whassup?"

Luigi clutched at his chest. "Where are you guys? What's going on?"

"Ah, we on our way to the rendezvous point."

"Have you heard anything from the others?"

"Nah, but there's some fireworks goin' on over by the original _Star Fox_ mothership."

"All right, Dedede. Let's head over there and see what we can do."

* * *

Pikachu weighed his options. They weren't many.

Within Silo Gamma's nuclear containment building, the Pokemon Pit had launched were doing their best to hold their ground. Hundreds of soldiers had already fallen to their attacks, only for their bodies to disappear. The Shield Generator was still up, and they had two more Silos to shut down.

_Whoever's commanding this rabble knows what they're doin'_, Pikachu thought as he and Meowth dual-wielded two Mech Unit bazookas each and used them to mow down an entire APC.

A Sceptile and a Scyther double-teamed an approaching horde of Medusa heads by alternating Swords-Danced Slash attacks.

"Sai! Sai sai!" cried Scyther. (If only Pit were here, y'all Megas could use your Mega Stones!)

"Wark, wark!" (They just keep coming!) Greninja called out to Blastoise. "WARK!" (We're losing ground!)

While defending Pikachu's groupies and the highly inactive Lucario, who due to having lost his consciousness was fighting in a rather clueless manner, the Hydro Pump tortoise Pokemon used his ice beam to freeze several advancing mummies.

"Blaaaaaaaaast!" (Where's Jigglypuff? We need to advance on their Factories!")

_Not a good idea. The narrow doorways here are all that's protecting us. We're sitting Psyducks out there._

"PIIIIKAAAAAA!" (That can wait! First, we need to shut the Transformer down! Cover me!) Pikachu cried after they toasted the latest wave. He ran out of the Containment Building by dashing up the steam generator to its pipeline, running across the pipe just underneath the ceiling, and popping out from the facility's rooftop.

Greninja covered Pikachu's advance, utilizing Water Shurikens to take out the troops attempting to sneak in from the rooftop entrance. More were approaching to take their place from the pipeline below, but they were still far enough to not pose a threat. Pikachu began electrocuting tossed Water Shurikens just as they hit their opponents, causing double the damage.

Finally, the electric mouse headbutted through the closed gate, behind which stood dozens of transformers that converted the power to be used and funneled it into the pillar of light that shot straight up into the sky, creating a large chunk of the Moon's Electric Barrier.

Pikachu began by short-circuiting the Power Plant's primary transformer box. He leapt atop it and began to absorb all the latent energy created by the Silo. When he could take no more, he started redirecting it at the approaching Bomber units as Thunderrific death beams, sending the planes crashing into the Silo's giant Cooling Tower.

"PIIIIII!" (DIE MOTHERFUCKERS DIE!) he bellowed.

He sent dozens of bombers and artillery units to their doom.

Suddenly, a punch caught him upside the head. Pikachu felt his skull squash and stretch as it was followed up by a grab, a squishing motion that flattened him against the transformer, and a throw that sent him into the air.

The floating figure kicked him in the face multiple times, ending with a punishing corkscrew kick.

As Pikachu landed on his back, he couldn't believe the face that greeted him.

"Jigglypuff!" (Did you miss me?) it sang aloud, rather joyfully.

She was surrounded by a fully rubber suit, making her completely electric-proof.

* * *

**A/N:** THANK YOU FOR READING! Big apologies for the block-of-text sections. I really hope that this chapter was enjoyable to you, but if it wasn't, please let me know why! As always, I would LOVE to hear your reviews! :D It means a lot to me. Don't be shy about asking questions, too!

I promise some Krystal x Samus action next time! Sorry I couldn't fit it into this chapter. :O


	23. Love is a Battlefield

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Thank you for your patience! That last chapter was a big departure in a lot of ways. Lately I've been pretty anxious for this story to get back to its comedy/slice of life/lemony roots, so hopefully I can iron things out to allow that to happen soonish while still doing justice to the (huge) cast of characters. I'll admit that I probably should have introduced all the Moon-dwellers sooner, but we're near the end of the cast list (FINALLY). Apologies for the lateness and relative shortness of this chapter. There's been a lot of drama in my life. Almost got kicked out last week. Also got choked out (I'm OK now). My car pretty much got totaled when my entire wheel popped off it in the middle of the freeway. And I'm broke and about to leave lovely Vancouver (!), where I spent the weekend, as I was here for my friend's wedding. It was a fantastic wedding, but I'm wiped out now. :/ I'm also writing this on my low-battery cellphone since I was an idiot and left my laptop charger at home. T_T;;

**sippurp123:** Thank you for your review again! :D And for your patience. I don't intend to make the Nintendo head honchos major characters moving forward, but they were the best and most accurate way I could convey the info about the Smashers' origins. Sakurai will of course continue to play a part, with Miyamoto and Iwata maybe having small moments here and there.

**mewlover5344:** Thank you! Very glad you liked the last chapter, and the OOC moments/characters, haha.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Three**  
**Love is a Battlefield  
**

**I. Are You Gonna Be My Girl?**

"This can't be happening," said Fox from the _OG Great Fox'_s bridge. He was chewing his fingernails like they were corn kernels.

"Hey, asshole, quit your gawking!" Wolf screamed. He had leapt back into the _Great Fox's _bridge and switched the shields back on in time to protect them from any more hits from the brainwashed Star Wolf team's lasers. "We need to help the others!"

But Fox just stared on in disbelief, like the Justin Bieber fangirl who got hit in the face by her drugged-out idol spitting on her from his balcony.

Krystal was surfing through the vacuum atop her scrap metal, dodging blast after blast from Samus' ship. The vixen didn't need her telepathic powers to guess why Ms. Aran was after her. They had both been romantically entangled with Fox, after all.

Some stray energy beams singed her fur. Even though she was flying in zig-zags, this space cowgirl apparently had impeccable aim.

_Not good. How to proceed? Gotta get on that ship in between casts of that shield spell_, she realized._ There's about a three-second delay between casts. Plenty of time for me to bust open the cockpit glass._

Nayru's Love flickered off during their next pass, and Krystal made the plunge.

For reasons unabashedly made up by the author, she fell into a series of flashbacks.

**Late 2000**

"This is so unfair!" Krystal screamed at her webcam, startling her handlers at Rare Studios. "You can't just replace me as the lead! How could you do this?"

She fell into a fit of tears, knowing full well that they would change nothing. She paced around her 64-bit loft. Though rather large, spacious, and filled with abstract art, crystals, and various New Age trinkets, it felt cramped and suffocating. For the first time in her life, Krystal felt that she was a prisoner.

Lee Schuneman, the game's director, stepped up to the mic. "It wasn't our choice, love. Mr. Miyamoto, he came to the studio, and when he saw the art style of what we were working on-"

"To hell with Mr. Miyamoto!"

"Look, Krystal, these kinds of things happen all the time in game development. It's not even going to be an N64 game anymore. We're going for a GameCube release; the new title's _Star Fox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet_."

"GameCube?"

"Nintendo's next console. You'll be upgraded to 128 bits. We're talking dynamic fur textures and physics. You're receiving a major art upgrade tomorrow. How's that for a start, eh?"

"Looks aren't everything," she said, and wished that she could use her telepathic powers on humans like Mr. Schuneman.

"Krystal, we know it can't be easy for you. And we're very sorry. But please, try and look at it from our point of view. The whole game's gonna have to be redone. Consider yourself fortunate that you're still a part of the cast."

"As a damsel in distress," she grimaced. "Some other guy is going to be using the staff I spent so long mastering. What about Sabre and Randorn?"

"They'll live on our servers. And they'll still be able to interact with Banjo, Conker, and the others. They just won't be a part of the game. Please try and understand, Krystal. We're very sorry."

The vixen nodded. "Will that be all?"

"Er, yes. Only… now might not be the best time, but…"

"What? Just spit it out."

"He'd like to meet you."

"Who?"

"Why, Fox, of course. He's settling into his new suite."

"Oh."

"He says there's no rush, darling. Just that he'd like to get to know you, whenever you have a little time to spare."

But Krystal just puffed up her cheeks and walked away from the camera, returning to the couch. "Why would I want to get to know the man who's taking my job?"

"You'll be working together. Trust me, development is a long and arduous process. It makes all the difference in the world to befriend your coworkers, instead of fighting them tooth and nail."

That day and the next passed rather uneventfully; business as usual for the vixen.

Krystal would spend her time doing the kinds of things a martial-arts loving, over-educated shut-in does. She'd get up at 6 AM and make a fruit smoothie to start her day, hit the gym for some aerobics, and have brunch at Spiral Mountain with Banjo, Kazooie, Tootie, Mumbo, and Gruntilda now that production was done on Banjo-Tooie. In the afternoons, she'd work a little on her oil paintings, and then join Joanna Dark and the Battletoads for some sparring.

Dinner was a lonesome affair. Typically Krystal would make a modest stew or casserole, but she got the inkling to try shepherd's pie. Getting the crust right was rather complex, but after some determination, the azure fox was able to concoct a dish that somewhat resembled shepherd's pie, and tasted rather like a chewy stew.

"I'll take it," she conceded. It was an important time for small victories.

She fell asleep a little too late watching Kung Fu movies in her sweat pants, and didn't even mind missing her alarm in the morning. Krystal pulled the frozen fruit out of the fridge for her morning smoothie but could no longer find the motivation to turn on the blender.

_Ugh, forget it. What's the use training when I'm no longer going to be involved in the action? Maybe I'll give him a chance, eventually. First things first, I need to buy something to fill that empty void within._

At last, she gazed into the full-length mirror, and didn't recognize the woman staring back at her. She was curvy now, with proportions like a starved supermodel. And the eyes! Larger, yet somehow less full of wonder. They were instead designed to convey a maximum amount of sultriness.

Her wardrobe, at least, was only modified in the most minor of ways. She dressed herself to go to the mall and hopped several trains, eventually taking her through the trans-continental portal over to the Pokemon Universe, transferring to Kanto's Saffron City. She got off by the giant city's largest outdoor basketball court, where some non-Pokemon was tearing up the hoops.

Upon descending onto the platform, she caught the eye of none other than Fox McCloud, who winked at her as if she were expected before dash-dancing past a Machamp, double-jumping, and dunking the ball.

"Hey bay-bee," Fox said in a mock-Italian tough guy accent. All Krystal's thoughts about giving this guy a chance were out the window. He was wearing a fedora, a pink wifebeater, and tight white pants after Labor Day.

"Uhhhh, hi," Krystal replied drolly, walking past the scene.

While Fox wasn't looking, a large Protoceratops nudged him, which had the effect of slamming him against the chain-link fence.

"Yeoooowch!" Fox yelled as the dinosaur continued to push up against him in excitement like an overly enthusiastic German Shepherd.

"Krystal! Where were you yesterday huh? You never did give me those ballet lessons, ya know! No fair!" the young Tricky pouted, his wagging tail interrupting the game.

She giggled at the sight, despite herself. "I see you two have become fast friends."

"Heh, yeah," replied Fox. "But up until now, I had no idea Tricky was a criminal."

"Say what? I burned the bodies! You can't prove anything!"

"Forget that, Chuckles. You're guilty of a far worse crime: neglecting to inform me that our co-star is an angel. Where are your wings?"

"The same place your brain is," said Krystal.

"And where would that be?"

_Non-existent_, she thought, but kept quiet and rolled her eyes instead. In the time it had taken her to perform a full retinal rotation, Fox had hopped the fence, sidled up to her, and offered a small box.

"Thought ya might like this," he said with a grin. "That's an actual Carbuncle's Ruby. They cast Protect, Reflect, and Shell, so they're really hard to kill, and you can only get them on the black market. I had to whore one of my crew members out to a dungeon for a year just to afford the down-payment."

"I can't even..." she began, but Fox insisted. Finally, Krystal cracked open the case to reveal a shining red crystal at the end of a necklace.

"Piii! Pichu!" cried the Pichu, who was fussily using tilt attacks to bounce the basketball.

"Pichu says," translated Meowth, "You gon' play or not, McCloud?"

"Sorry guys, I've just been struck by Cupid's arrow," Fox replied, and kissed Krystal's hand. "Enchantée, mademoiselle."

To which Krystal raised an eyebrow. "Quit while you're ahead, Mr. Fox. I haven't even decided if I'm going to accept it yet."

"Well, then, maybe we ought to get to know each other a bit first," said Fox. "Shall I take you on the tour?"

"Ohhh! I wanna come too!" yelled Tricky.

Fox bit his bottom lip. He approached the dinosaur, and whispered in his ear.

"I don't want to see, hear, touch, or smell you today, ya hear? This is a day for me an' the lady. I swear on Baby Jesus' Fecal Matter, if I so much as catch a whisper of your presence on my tail, I will personally tie you down and shove my Landmaster's cannon so far up your ass that when I fire, you're gonna be spittin' electricity like Godzilla. Am I clear?"

"Whoooooa! That sounds AWESOME!"

"Uhhh... on second thought..."

Fox then approached Meowth and whispered in his ear. There appeared to be some negotiating going on before he slipped the Pokemon a bill and returned to Tricky.

"Alright, kid. We're playin' hide and seek. Count to five thousand."

"Okay!" Tricky exclaimed as Fox grabbed Krystal's hand and led her out of there as fast as their legs could carry them, both laughing all the way. What Krystal didn't need to know was that before Tricky reached three-thousand, every Pokemon on the court assaulted the poor Protoceratops with burlap sacks filled with Geodudes until he collapsed onto the floor and passed out. He was then tied up and shoved into a cryogenic chamber.

And so, Krystal's day out shopping alone turned into an unexpected first date. She and Fox rented a tandem bike, pedaled to the Celadon City game corner, and gambled the morning away. When they finally had enough coins, they argued on what they should redeem.

"That green scythe dude though," Fox pointed out. "Looks like he'd be great at cutting grass."

"Whatever would you need grass cut for?" asked Krystal.

"I dunno. Thought we could make some money on the side. Start up a business: McCloud's Landscaping."

With her elbows on the table, Krystal rested her head in her opened palms. "That's the mindset of a utilitarian. Something or someone is only valuable if it's useful, right?"

"Well, obviously that ain't ideal. But it's how ya gotta think when you're livin' day to day. As a mercenary, you're constantly workin' for your next meal."

"That's surviving, sure, but it sure isn't living. At least, not in any way that's nurturing or sustainable."

Fox thought about this for a second, and had no real answer. He looked carefully at the Pokemon behind the glass cage. It was itching for some battle. "Maybe you're right. He's a fighter, not a gardener. So which one would you get?"

Krystal pointed at a small, sad pink thing curled up in the corner, drawing small moons on the walls with its own anal secretions. It was truly pitiable.

"That one?"

"Yes."

Fox shrugged and handed the guy their coins. Within seconds, they were now proud co-owners of a Clefairy.

"Cle-FAIRY," it greeted them, ecstatic.

Krystal hugged the Fairy Pokemon and melted.

"I'm dying," she said, tears in her eyes. "Let's name her Wyclef."

"Uh, _you_ can name her that," Fox said. "Keep me out of it."

"Nonsense! We won her together. Plus, a child raised by both parents has a statistically better chance of-"

"PARENTS?!" Fox exclaimed, freaking out. "Whoa, I'm... not sure if I'm ready for that kind of a commitment."

Krystal laughed. "Mission failed, McCloud."

"Were you... just testing me?"

"Dummy, you and I both know the Pokemon-Trainer relationship doesn't work like that," Krystal said as she held Clefairy's hands and danced around with her, circling a pattern in the carpet.

"Ah..." Fox had not expected to be feeling such the fool.

It took some effort from Krystal to cheer him up. "So you are capable of emotions. It just takes a small blow to your ego to get you to lower your guard."

"Think you've got me figured out that easily, eh?"

"Hey... if you still want to give me that jewel, I think I'm ready to accept it."

This, finally, got Fox to smile. "Nice! First off, let's see how it fits.".

He calmly took the necklace from its case, lifted it above Krystal's head, and failed to get it past her forehead.

"Isn't there a clasp on the back?" she asked.

"There's no need for one."

"Well, if there's to be any hope of getting it on my neck-"

"I've just realized that it doesn't belong on your neck," replied Fox, holding up a hand mirror.

"Wow. For the first time today," admired Krystal, "you and I are in complete agreement."

The two exchanged smiles and continued their eventful day out.

Though it was the Fox who reached out to Vixen, Krystal made sure to keep their relationship moving forward over time.

As it turned out, Fox was neither a great father figure to Wyclef (the Clefairy), nor a terribly present lover. But his ineptness, Krystal realized with much confusion, was more endearing than anything.

_Get him in an Arwing, and he's a killing machine. But take him out, and he's as helpless as a drugged Mel Gibson in a den of hungry Jewish entertainment reporters._

A few weeks afterwards, Krystal was gifted her telepathic powers, which were both a blessing and a curse. The former because she could now hear Fox's every need and feel, and the latter because she realized that he was even more narcissistic than she'd ever imagined.

Even so, she had grown to love him.

"Has he always been like that?" she once asked Banjo, who'd known Fox pretty well from Falco's bi-annual Poker tournaments.

"Pretty much. He's good at hiding it, but Fox really doesn't care for anyone except for himself."

"Does that mean he's a sociopath?"

"Nah. He's _capable_ of empathy, yuh-huh. He just happens to be extremely self-centered."

"I don't know if that's better or worse than being unable to feel."

"Oh, no question. It's better, honey," interjected Kazooie. "Trust me, Banjo and I have been together... how long now?"

"Too long! Let's not think of it," joked Banjo.

"Anyway, all it means is that Fox has the potential to improve, yuh-huh."

"But that doesn't mean she should try to change him," said Banjo. "That's a one-way ticket to hell and back."

Kazooie frowned. "Isn't that a round trip, squawk?"

"Ask _The Darkness_ about the technicalities," sighed Banjo. "I didn't come up with that lyric."

With her powers, Krystal inferred that these two had had this exact conversation multiple times. Since they'd just become exclusive, she wondered if she and Fox would end up that way - repeating old arguments ad infinitum.

A little later in their relationship, Krystal pondered Banjo's words about change as she witnessed Fox trying to teach Wyclef to play _Doom 3_.

The poor Pokemon was shivering as Doomguy made his way down dimly-lit hallways. Tears ran down her pink cheeks as she encountered the first of those creepy-ass regenerating guys and died horribly to it.

Fox burst out laughing, even as Wyclef grabbed onto him a sobbing mess.

"Fairy! Fairy! Clefairy!" she cried.

"B'awwww, ya scared? Would you rather we play more _Silent Hill 2_? Oh wait, I think I see _Dead Space _over there."

"FAIRY!"

Wyclef ran into the corner, curled up into a ball, and started rocking back and forth.

"Fairy... Fairy... Fairrrrrrrry..."

"Fox, what the hell," said Krystal. "You're sadistic."

McCloud, upon noticing that Krystal had walked in, drew Wyclef into her Pokeball to hide the evidence. He had Krystal sit on his lap and ran his hands up and down her thighs.

"That's what you like about me, isn't it? You like the way I take control."

There was no denying it. The way Fox treated her when he was horny... it was a completely different side of him. One that her mind-reading ability showed as the ace pilot at his most free and unhinged.

_When he's in that cockpit_, she realized, _he's got complete control of the skies. He's a killing machine. If someone like that spends enough time grounded, they'll end up expressing their need for murder and mayhem in other ways._

"Missed you, baby."

Before she could come up with the right words to reprimand him, he had already been sniffing at all the right places, licking and stroking the nape of her neck and abdomen.

"I... I had plans-"

"Screw 'em," he said, and began nibbling at her neck. She shuddered as he went straight for her clit and pussy lips with his fingers.

"Ahh, it's too much," she whined as he enacted his "slap de bass" technique, alternating his fingering quicker than a wingless Arwing trying to spam the laser to get the Hit+10 off of Area 6's boss.

Fox bit down hard on Krystal's ear. "You know ya like it," he said.

Before long, he had pushed Krystal down to the floor, face-first. She gasped as he unceremoniously extended his girth-endowed cock and stuck its head in her pussy right then and there, slowly.

"It's... too tight," she said. "Ahh. It's not wet enough."

Fox pulled her hair. "No, I think it's just right."

"Mmmmnn, slowly, Fox..." she mewed.

He alternated between running his dick along her slit and poking it in her fuck-hole, covered in juices and delving deeper into the depths each time. Finally, Krystal had to bite down hard and bear it as her partner's dick bottomed out within her.

Fox's patience paid off, as the tightness engulfing him was simply out of this world. He had been Krystal's first, a fact he rather relished after discovering it a week prior.

Despite having lustrous, intense orgasms on a regular basis, Krystal felt that something was not right. She could not shake the often very dark and graphic thoughts that ran through Fox's head during sex, and this was no exception. He'd imagine her hanging near-lifeless from the ceiling after a severe S&amp;M session. Her gagging on his cock. Or her bleeding and screaming as he spanked her ass till it got raw. His entire team gang-raping her while he stroked himself.

Perhaps the scariest thing was coming face to face with the part of herself that enjoyed those fantasies.

"If you could do one thing to me right now..." she asked him as he pounded her pussy at a moderate pace. "What would it be?"

"I'd... brand you..." Fox said with a smile. "Burn a mark on you with my signature on it."

"Ahhh!" Krystal cried. The image of Fox wanting her and her alone to the extent that he could imagine her doing that for him... it was quite a hot image. So hot that she came all over him.

As Krystal rode out her orgasm, Fox continued to pound, even increasing his rate before he managed to pull out and spray cum errywhere like a renegade fire hose, to borrow an analogy used by Danny McBride in "This is the End".

Krystal snuggled up to Fox in the aftermath, wishing they could be like this forever.

"So I'm in your canon now," Krystal told him with a smile. "Invadin' your screentime."

"Got that right, babe. The consumers, the gamers, they're gonna love us together."

"How do you know?" she asked nervously.

"Market testing," he said. "Anthros are totally in right now. Don't worry. They're not gonna be able to get rid of you easily."

If only those days could have lasted. _Adventures_ was a divisive game, and some even considered it a disappointment.

After _Star Fox Command_, Krystal's time in the limelight had now become the stuff of recent history. With the series put on the back-burner and _Super Smash Bros. Melee_ on the fast-track, she and Fox didn't have much time to see one another.

**Sometime After Brawl**

"Maybe we should go on break," she suggested once as they sat on her couch watching "Kung Pow! Enter the Fist".

"Wait, what? Why? Is there another guy?"

"No! Not at all. It's just... after that whole incident where you shot Wyclef out of that trebuchet, I think I could use a little space."

"Babe, Wyclef's fine."

"She's become a nervous wreck!"

"It's just a phase. Look, you want space? Well, you've got all the space in the universe out there, honey," he said, and then cleared his throat to sing. "I can show you the woooooorld, shining, shimmering, spleeeeendid. Tell me princess, oh when did yoooooou last let your heaaaaaaaart deciiiiiiide..."

As he said this, he guided Krystal's hand to his crotch. She yanked it away.

"What the actual fuck? Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one sec- Hey!"

He had began using her hand to stroke along the outside of his pants.

"A WHOLE NEEEEEW WORLLLLD! A new o-ri-fice to peeeeeenetrate! No one to tell us no-"

"NO! NO NO NO NO! GEE-TEE-EFF-OH!"

Krystal pushed Fox away, but he stood up on either side of her and helicoptered his dick in front of her mouth. He stabilized it, began rubbing his magic lamp even harder, and started to guide it ever so slowly towards her puckered lips.

"This is the USS Thickstick to Oral Base, we need emergency assistance! Our capacitors are about to blow!"

Totes not in the mood for a blowjob, especially since his penis was rather sour-smelling, Krystal tried to respond without opening her mouth too wide.

"This is Oral Base, I'm sorry, we cannot accommodate your needs, Thickstick. Abort mission. Repeat,_ abort mission_."

Fox then pumped his cock even harder. He shoved his dick in Krystal's mouth, but was denied by her teeth and gums, so the mercenary rubbed it up against her face and ears as he reached critical mass.

"Oral Base, we're gonna explode! We're all gonna die! Need to evacuate our crew! Ahhhh!"

"No!" cried Krystal, and ducked under his legs and ran away just before Fox exploded all over her couch. It was more semen in one place than Krystal had ever seen.

She sighed and picked up some tissue to quickly wipe away the myriad stains while Fox collapsed onto the floor.

"Can you give me a hand?" she asked him.

"Ahhhhh..." he merely said, and spanked her ass as she bent over to clean up his mess. More white stuff was dripping from his junk onto the carpet floor.

"I think you should leave," groaned Krystal.

"Allow me to return the favor," Fox insisted, and put a hand on her shoulder. "It's been a while since I've eaten you out."

But Krystal shook her head. "You really haven't listened to _a single thing _I've said in the last ten minutes, have you?"

"What's that, babe?" replied Fox. He was checking himself out in the full-length mirror.

"GET OUT!"

Some time not too far after that, Fox sensed that a breakup was imminent. Krystal had been working on a last-ditch plan to save their relationship, but for once she found herself thwarted when Fox hailed her from a distance across Spiral Mountain.

"Ey, Kris!"

The vixen could just barely spot Fox, let alone read his mind.

"Hiii honey!" she called out in her chirpiest voice.

"I'm breaking up with you!" he yelled.

Krystal blinked. _There is no way he just said what I think he said._

"Sorry, honey, I can't hear you. Do you think-"

"It's over, Krystal! We're through, kaput! Nobody breaks up with Fox McCloud! Especially not someone as confusing and immature as you!"

Krystal stared him down, which had the effect of sending Fox into full-on panic mode. A few uncomfortable moments passed as Krystal allowed her latent anger to bubble to the surface.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, YOU FUCKING BITCH?" she wailed, and dashed towards him.

Fox screamed like a schoolgirl and dashed away, but Krystal's fireball had nicked him in the heel. She leapt up the hill like a boss and caught up with Fox at the wooden bridge. A few fireballs flung further than his position ensured that he wouldn't be crossing to the other side.

Fox spun on his heels and held his hands up.

"I'm sorry hon, I swear, I can explain-"

"WHY?" she cried, and toasted the ropes holding up the opposite end of the wooden bridge.

Fox fell screaming with the bridge and slammed into the side of Spiral Mountain. He bounced off the rock wall and fell onto the hard pathway, where Krystal jumped on top of him and beat him to a pulp.

"YOU DON'T TELL ME IT'S OVER!" Krystal yelled, veins near popping out of her head. "You don't get to tell me fucking anything, you manipulative dickwad!"

Never having seen this side of her, Fox crumbled against the ground as her fists dealt serious damage to his visage.

Needless to say, the breakup was harsh and bitter, like drinking a beer only to accidentally swallow a cigarette butt. But the intense release on both sides with no holds barred or words minced meant the drama and pain was also over relatively quickly.

Against Nintendo's wishes, Krystal made the decision to freeze herself, effectively cutting off her lifeline. It was one of the options Mr. Yokoi made available for the Smashers some time before leaving the company. Their consciousnesses would be effectively kept in suspended animation, so their virtual bodies could be used without their having to accrue more experiences.

**II. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is**

Since the development of_ Super Smash Bros. for the 3DS and Wii U_, however, Krystal had been awoken and recruited to work for Mr. Sakurai and his team behind the scenes. It was most definitely not easy work, having to learn to fight against each of the Smashers, especially Fox, Falco, and Wolf. Her powers had weakened, something that would likely only return with time. Losing them was tough, like a part of her was missing. But that was just the beginning.

The worst thing, however, was that she had access to the Camera Lakitu files, and the entire _Best of S__mash __TV_ backlog. Though she knew it was an unhealthy habit, she had developed almost an obsession with witnessing the blossoming relationship between Samus and Fox. Their joking, the rapport. The snarkiness. She found herself enjoying it whenever the couple was involved in drama. Fox would struggle or Samus would be frustrated with him, and Krystal would laugh, sort of knowingly, sort of teasingly, and sort of sadistically.

_What is wrong with me_? she'd chastise herself at times, and to forget the pain she would just re-watch the highlights. _He's a fucking jerk, and he isn't likely to change. Why do I care who he's with? Why do I care if she's right for him or not?_

Of course, these thoughts all ran through her mind in the span of a split-second, just before Krystal dived head-on towards the gunship, latched her staff against its lower turrets, and grabbed tightly.

The Nayru's Love spell shot back on, and she found herself on the more favorable side of its protection now.

The vixen attempted to pry open the hull's underside entrance hatch, but it sprung open on its own. Greeting Krystal was none other than a fully-charged Charge Beam.

"Shit!" she yelled, and peeled out of the way just as Samus' shot grazed her side.

"Let go!" cried Samus. Her helmet was off so that Krystal could see just how serious she was. "Make it easy on yourself!"

But Krystal just shoved her staff's burning tip up to Samus, nearly missing the bounty hunter's face. The staff then erupted into spraying a stream of ice that bought her enough time to swing onto the gunship. Krystal didn't get much farther, though, as Samus shoved her up against the wall and held her staff-hand steady. Krystal tried to trip Samus up with a low kick, but her bare legs couldn't do much against Samus' armored ones.

"If there's one thing you'll learn about me," Krystal began, "it's that I _never _take the easy way out."

But she was powerless to do anything. After turning to the cockpit, Krystal noticed that Sheik was currently flying.

"There's a difference between taking an easy out, and always trying to do things the hard way. Just who are you anyway?" asked Samus.

"Your worst nightmare," said Krystal with a smile. She headbutted Samus; her forehead connected with the blonde's nose. Moving quickly, Krystal broke away and kicked Samus in the abdomen.

"Banking left!" yelled Sheik as she steered them clear of Master Hand's wrath.

"Outta my way!" Falco screamed on the comm. The last Starfox pilot still flying was currently fighting an Andross Assist Trophy. He led Panther into it, dealing some damage to the narcissistic jungle cat.

"Guess you're not as much of a bird-brain as I thought," Panther purred.

"Don't you be gettin' sweet on me," quipped Falco as he shot down a space pirate bogey.

Captain Olimar's Hocotate Freighter clipped the wingtip of Evil, Zombified Pigma, whose Wolfen II was covered in Yellow Pikmin. The squealing coward ejected; his detached pod sputtered down atop the _OG Great Fox_.

Fox turned from watching and a look of manic realization dawned on his face.

"You!" he yelled at the pig who made his father's (scripted) death happen.

"Oh, hey Fox. I see your team's had some losses today. I have a good few hundred missions under my belt. Will ya take me back on the team, oh buddy boy?"

"Even if I could trust you, Pigma, you eat way too friggin' much."

"Nooo!" exclaimed the pig as Fox wailed on him with his fists of fury.

Meanwhile, just after banking to avoid Falco, Sheik pulled into a corkscrew turn, which had the effect of sending Krystal off-balance. She was however able to dodge some incoming physical hits from Samus and slip away from the wall. She dashed away to make a bit of space before lashing out with a full-on staff combo, which was finished off with a devastating earth-shattering shockwave into the ship's floor.

It was a reckless move; spurred by the fear of losing her gunship, Samus grabbed Krystal, tossed her down into a flamethrower attack, short-hopped into a neutral air kick, bounced the vixen off the wall, and caught her in an up-smash.

Krystal recovered after this move, and nimbly righted herself.

_I need to make my escap_e, she thought.

She hit the latch to open up the ceiling's hatch. But just as the vacuum began to suck out the combatants, Samus closed it off again.

"Not today, you ain't." The bounty hunter bashed her in the face with her gun-arm until the vixen totally lost her sense of direction. She dropped her staff.

"Stay down," Samus urged her. "You're my prisoner now."

Clearly out of options, Krystal nodded.

Sheik, on the other hand, was doing all she could to keep out of the chaos going on outside the gunship.

Falco was covering Olimar: now that he'd taken down Pigma, both Leon and Panther saw him as a real threat.

"Can't take any more hits!" Olimar screamed.

"Dude! Bail!" belted Falco.

The spaceman rounded up all of his Pikmin and blew into his whistle.

"All right guys," he told them. "You remember what Wolf said. Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky. We're gonna get into a wrecking ball formation, jump onto Panther's fighter, and wreck his shit from the inside out. Many of you will die. Personally, I will feel those deaths, like in my gut. To be fair, that'll only be for a second, but rest assured, the Pikmin of the future will know... probably... that you gave your lives... so that they may live... to die under my orders... uh... yeah."

He then pulled a Claymore sword out of nowhere.

"DEATH!" he cried.

"Death!" the Pikmin chanted back.

And so as Panther looped back around, they leapt headlong onto his incoming blitz.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!" cred Olimar like a crazed Tarzan.

"I ain't dyin' till I bang Krystal!" Panther replied, but his voice trembled.

Panther's weakened laser picked off the outermost layer of Pikmin, who were promptly replaced. Before long the wrecking ball had closed most of the distance and Olimar blew his whistle again.

"Parachute formation!" he cried as all the Pikmin spread out, interlocking hands as they landed atop the Wolfen II like s net. Some of those near the jets burned; Fire Pikmin rushed to switch places with them. All the tiny dudes slammed their noggins into the fighter, blocking the flaps' movements and the pilot's visibility.

"I'm not going to lose to a bunch of plants!" Panther growled, but his engines were already mostly stripped. As he was now on a collision course with Pigma's debris, he had no choice but to eject.

Panther readied his jetpack and pulled the eject lever. But as he tried to leave the cockpit, a living whip of two dozen Pikmin lashed out to grab him mid-flight. After Olimar took the jetpack, thirty pairs of Pikmin hands pulled Panther back down rather violently.

"Get 'em off me! Ahhhh!"

He slapped back into his cockpit like a rubber band and was violently devoured, piece by piece, by the little guys.

* * *

From the dark void came a queef. This was followed by a very wet fart.

Before she knew it, Lady Palutena discovered that she was submerged in some sort of liquid. Oddly enough, however, she could breathe.

_I'm alive. Wait, no. This is the afterlife._

The Goddess blinked, stretched her arms, and walked forward.

She hit a membrane, which stopped her in her tracks.

_The afterlife sure is small. Wait, no! Am I... in some kind of womb?_

Palutena stared at the staff in her hands. _My giant dildo! Of course!_

She carved a hole in the membrane, spilling out all the crazy fluid.

Loud sounds happened. Alarms. Flashing lights. As Palutena ripped off the tubes hooked up to her body, she came to realize with some horror that there were hundreds, no, thousands of these standing amniotic sacs filled with figures. The alarms stopped as abruptly as they started, probably so as not to wake the other sleepers.

"Just who is that sexy beast?" the Goddess asked, looking at a sword-wielding woman with blue hair who appeared to be in a deep sleep.

Suddenly, something from Palutena's peripheral vision reflected off the sacs.

The incoming figure was shimmering hella hard. Palutena squinted her eyes.

"Who goes there?" she asked. "I'd like to lodge a complaint about these accommodations."

The figure quickly ice-skated around the corner. It was clearly nonhuman in nature, with a flowing cape-dress-thing instead of arms. Its shiny blue head was shaped like the tip of a sharpened penis.

Needless to say, Palutena fell in love almost immediately.

"Greetings," said the silver one in an impossibly smooth voice that resembled an auto-tuned alien language. It actual words were foreign, but their specfic meanings were communicated telepathically. "You must come with me."

"Oh, there's no doubt that'll happen," Palutena replied, and walked on over and stroked the strange visitor's silver cheek. Its feminine face was solid, unmoving, expressionless. Even so, she had the shapely legs and perfect form of a professional figure skater.

"You may be experiencing some discomfort," said the mystery woman. "You emerged approximately five minutes earlier than anticipated."

"When there's something I want, I don't let anyone or anything get in my way," Palutena replied, gently caressing every inch of the creature's body.

"I friggin' love your style," said Palutena, and kissed her. It was like kissing a sheet of metal. "What's your name?"

"I am known by many. I have made myself known in the world of humans as Lady Fi, but I have always identified by my primary directive."

"And just what directive would that be?" Palutena asked, sitting Lady Fi down beside her by the stairs and kissing her all over.

"To create life," replied Fi. "My true name is Mother CAST. I am the primary maintainer of the CAST AI, appointed Guardian over the Smashers, and the head of server maintenance. And there is a 100% chance that I will be informing you of various statistics out of nowhere."

Palutena giggled. "Fair enough. Gods be good, you're just too fucking sexy to exist."

But Fi wasn't into it. Palutena poked her in the nose. She straddled Lady Fi and began grinding against her.

"Don't you want the sexy tiems?"

"Technically... the nuances of human relationships do not necessarily apply to us AI, but I would approximate from my data collected over twenty years of observing humans that about seventy-four percent of respondents would agree to classify what you are attempting to do to me as an act of non-consensual incest."

"But doesn't that just make it hotter? Should I call you mommy?" continued Palutena as she pushed Fi to the floor and continued to grind up against her, prompting magical sparks of light to erupt from between their legs.

"You may call me what you like," said Fi. "If this will help you to relieve stress, I will allow you to finish... oh... what is this sensation... it feels like every millimeter of my body is hyper-sensitive to stimuli."

"That's hotness, my sweet Fifi. It's because incest is wincest."

"There is an eighty-four percent chance that you are the most deviant of all of CAST's local creations."

"Eighty-four?" cried Palutena, disappointed. "EIGHTY FRICKIN' FOUR! Who's my competition?"

"There are many in the running-"

"WHO?!" she demanded with a wide-eyed stare.

"Fox McCloud, for one."

Determined to out-kink everyone else at the Smashgrounds, Palutena switched to a 69 position and began furiously motorboating the expressionless silver woman, prompting electro-magical sparks to erupt from her being.

"Cannot... compute... the feels..."

"No one is gonna be sexier than me, you hear!"

"Does your depravity know no bounds?" a voice sounded out from around the corner.

Palutena smiled as she recognized two old friends. Pit and Dark Pit (whose voice it was) had just rounded the corner.

"Lady Stardust!" exclaimed Pit. "You're alive! Except... w-w-who are you doing now?!"

"Yo momma," Dark Pit explained. "No, really."

Pit tossed his arms up in the air. "What the EFF, maaaaaan!"

Suddenly everyone was jolted as another alarm blared: an air raid, to be exact.

"What now?" Pit asked.

Pitoo squinted, and then walked over to Palutena.

"May I?" he asked, with his hand probing around her anal sphincter.

"Haha, oh, do your worst," she said with a wink.

He took a deep breath. "Here goes nothin'."

While Pit looked on horrified, Dark Pit jammed several fingers up Palutena's butthole. His other hand tickled her belly, making her laugh.

After some time he finally yanked out a spyglass, which he used to survey the skies.

"Wait," said Pit. "Was that... how did you know she even... there are so many unanswerable questions about what you just did-"

"Shut up, you brat," Dark Pit replied, as Palutena realized the fun was over and returned to fucking Fi.

"What did you see?"

"A nuke," replied Dark Pit, who now had a shit-stain monocle over one eye. "Popped out of a portal in the sky. It's headed right for the silos."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading! Sorry about the kind of abrupt ending. The good news is that I have the next 24 hours to do nothing but write since I'll be on the Amtrak down the coast, so the next chapter should be sooner than normal. :) As always, reviews, follows and faves are much, much appreciated! Thanks again!


	24. Through the Fire and Flames

**A/N: **So I'm back home, and swamped with work. x_x This chapter may be uber-long, but it's definitely gonna be the exception to the rule, since a good chunk of it was written during a 30-hour Amtrak ride. XP I am gonna need to work harder and not be obsessively following Smash Bros. news... which is a little easier now since the leaks have kind of reached their apex.

**WARNING:** There may be some minor contextual spoilers for the new Super Smash Bros. games! I will do my best not to actively spoil things for everyone, but if you're super spoiler averse, just letting you know that there may be a few things in this chapter that hint at previously unreleased information.

**sippurp123:** Thanks as always for your review! Seems you may be the last reader left standing! :O So I must thank you for your diligent support once more with some Zelink! You are right that it's natural for Krystal to want to spy on her ex's life and get all the juicy tidbits. But I kind of figured that she's mentally cursing herself because there's a struggle within her: should she let Fox go, or not? In her mind, she's ready to move on. But her heart keeps pulling her back with the hope that she can "fix" him, so to speak.

**CORRECTIONS/CHANGES:** When I woke up, I changed a few minor things in this chapter. Pac-Man's lines are slightly modified for teh lulz. Also, Sakurai now mentions Mega Man in Act IV. Also, to keep things less confusing, I changed the Charizard helping Pikachu in Chapter 22 to a Blastoise, so there aren't two Charizards (including the one Ganon was riding) roaming around in the story. That was actually a pretty big error on my part and I apologize.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

**Through the Fire and Flames**

**I. Fury of the Storm**

"I must say, your stuff's not bad," Bayonetta said as she passed the bong over to Marth. They were sitting in the engine coolant overflow chamber on the _Halberd's _bridge, which functioned as a hot tub.

"Not bad? _Not bad_? This be the best green money can buy, woman!" exclaimed King Dedede, who snuck a glance or two at her string bikini.

Popo shook his head. "I believe j00 misunderstand, Herr Penguin. Correct me if I'm wrong, miss, but ain't it true that in British, 'not bad' translates to 'bloody fuckin' excellent'?"

Bayonetta simply nodded as she brought out her own herbal mix and popped it into Dedede's grinder. Dedede and Popo were ecstatic. The Smashers had a lot to be thankful for, considering what had just happened on the deck not five minutes prior:

The Ominous Overlord cleared his throat as Marth and Bayonetta were about to launch each other off again. His Ominous Words were thus: "Kay. We got the data we needed. You guys can quit fightin' now. Take five and meet up with the others, posthaste."

Nobody was goin to argue with that, especially when four Fairy Bottles popped right out of a crate to heal them.

"Man, we's so glad ya took my advice an' turned that coolant overflow into a hot tub," Dedede said, nudging the comatose Meta Knight, who currently exhibited all the personality of a stuffed toy.

"Try some," said Marth in Japanese as he offered the bong to Meta-Knight. The prince was about to light it for him when Dedede yanked the glass away.

"Nah, G! It's wasted on 'im! Lookit that foo'. He already high as fuck."

The paralyzed Meta-Knight mentally cursed his friend. _Damn you, Dedede!_

After Popo passed the bong to Bayonetta again, the Umbran Witch had an idea. "Y'know, this may be a crap-shoot, but what if his mind is still there, just a ghost in the machine, so to speak?"

"Well, be that as it may, a ghost be incapable of inhalin'. They's made o' gas, just like God, the sun, and dat Smoke Monster what be from _Lost_."

Popo gasped. "Tell me you did _not _just say the 'L' word. You know that's a trigger for me, like, seriously."

"Bitch, it's yo own fault if you was watchin' that piece o' shit show to begin wid. We live in a world of spoilers. Go back to tumblr wid dat attitude."

"Motherfuck-" Popo began, but lowered his mallet. "If we weren't in the presence of a lady, and you hadn't just saved my ass not ten minutes ago, holmes…"

"You'd what? You can't fight properly widdout yo girlfriend. Or is she yo' sister? Or both?"

"Nana's my ex, stupid."

"Whatever did happen to you two?" asked Bayonetta. "Urban legend says you were inseperable."

"She and I… well… it's complicated. It's not exactly a short story."

Marth snapped to get the others' attention. Bayonetta was just feeding Meta-Knight some weed smoke via mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

_She's got the lips of an angel, _thought Meta-Knight. _Thank you, kind librarian lady._

Afterwards, the Umbran Witch took off the plastic liner over her lips and popped a Listerine sheet. The smoke slowly wafted from Meta-Knight's ears.

She had the whole room at attention. "So we're on our way to the front lines, I take it? Since we've got nothing better to do, would any of you gentlemen be kind enough to give me a foot massage? Those Beretta heels are devilishly fun... but they're hell on my ankles."

She raised her feet just above the water.

Dedede, Popo, and Marth all fell over themselves rushing to her toes. Popo clawed at Marth's face and Marth headbutted him in return, but both got their wishes of some toe-rubbin' action as Dedede had to answer Luigi's incoming call.

"_Halberd_'s right here. Whassup?"

Cereza moaned in bliss as her two new slaves worked their magic on her corns.

_She uses some of the same tactics as Palutena_, Popo observed, _only for a different purpose. For Palutena, without a doubt, the sexytime is the reward. But Bayonetta uses her sexuality and propensity for fan-service to gain power and live comfortably. From what I've seen, she seems to have little interest in actual lovemaking. Ah, well. It doesn't mean we can't enjoy her company._

Once Dedede hung up the call, he headed towards the control console. "Alright, hang onto yer butts. We's headin' to the _OG Great Fox, _Full Speed ahead."

* * *

On the bridge of Bowser's Flagship, Link did his best to keep his composure. Bowser was gone. In his place was his young but clever son, who was currently bawling up a storm.

Ike was trying to calm the little guy down in the back room, as well as attempting to gain an understanding of what that _Mario Kart 8 _flashback was all about.

Meanwhile, Ganon's torso was now regenerating. His legs paced the bridge ponderously as a Fairy circled his body, accelerating his healing process. Yoshi tried to keep out of his way whilst still listening in on the news.

And visible just outside the windows, Diddy and DK were guarding the cannon deck as various Hammer Bros, Koopas and Goombas worked on repairing the Bill Blasters and floorboards. Game and Watch rode Kyogre, with Charizard and Lugia patrolling the ship's path alongside him.

Peach and Zelda explained to Sky Admiral Link what little they had learned from E. Gadd before he'd been so unceremoniously murdered. The Hylian princess took her boyfriend's hand at first, but upon considering the facts, he broke away and paced up and down the floor.

"It's an interesting theory," said Link. "I won't accept or deny it yet, but it lines up very well with the evidence Donkey Kong compiled before he was silenced, especially the part about the N-word being redacted."

"Yoshi!" (You mean Nin-)

"Don't even say it," Link insisted. "Not even in your weird-ass one-word language that I don't know how the hell anyone understands."

"Bowser told me once it's all in the inflection and syllable length," said Peach. "But I've never been one for foreign tongues."

"Some people have the propensity; others don't. Anyway, regardless of what's going on, there's only one place that has any concentrated fighting right now," Link said, pointing to the _OG Great Fox _on the holographic map. "And that's where we're going. Hold on…"

Link zoomed in on the touch-screen radar, and then pulled down the periscope.

"Periscope department! Get me a visual!" he yelled.

Zelda quietly slid open the shutter in front of Link's hands.

The Hylian's eyes grew three times that day. "Is that… is that the _Comet Observatory_? Slow Ahead!" Link called into the Engine Order Telegraph by screaming into the radio mic.

Once again, Zelda intervened by quietly pulling the toggle for the automatic throttle to Slow Ahead, Dead Slow Ahead, and eventually, Stop.

The Flagship pulled up alongside the _Observatory_, which was nearly a complete wreck. Zelda, Peach, and Link all ventured outside to help the others.

"They're hurt, but it looks like no brain-deaths," said Link. "Wait. Pac-Man's tied up."

"He's a traitor," Zelda inferred. "But oddly enough, he's docile now. And Melville fought like a beast."

Rosalina walked up to the edge and attempted to explain things. "That's right, Zelda. Pac-Man's been working for the Ominous Ones. He came to abduct Ness, and then summoned a bunch of guys to fight us. But Melville came through. He and I held the invaders back until Mario freed Ness. Then Mario put on his lab coat again and subdued Puck with some happy pills."

"Good to hear you're safe," Peach sighed as she helped Rosalina aboard. She then pointed to Starship Mario's remains, which were wedged through the _Observatory's _ruins, and cracked a bit of a wry smile_._ "Now let me guess. Was Mario driving that thing?"

Rosalina flushed; she always had a tough time saying anything that might hurt one of her friends. "I… uh… that is to say…"

"Yes,_ it was a-me_," Mario said sharply. He ignored Zelda's offered hand and Super Jump Punched his way onto the Airship. "And I doubt any of a-you could have a-done a better job with a _Metal Gear _chasing a-you down."

"I didn't know-" began Peach, but Mario cut her off.

"That's a-right, you didn't."

"You- you- you could at least _pretend _to be happy to see me, you dum-dum!" Peach yelled, tears of relief welling in her eyes. "Why can't you just grow up and take a joke? For all I knew, you were dead out there!"

Mario swallowed his pride, cleared his throat, and looked his ex-girlfriend in the eye. "I was a-worried about you, too, Peach. Glad to see you're a-safe."

With that, he walked into the bridge, undoubtedly making a bee-line for Bowser's mini-bar, most of the contents of which the Koopa King had already emptied earlier that evening.

"That… was surprisingly civil of him," Peach told Zelda. "Am I dreaming?"

Zelda pinched her.

"Okay. Most definitely not dreaming."

"He ran clear out of his medication," said Ness, before Zelda could reply with her mind-reading ability. "Maybe he's finally thinkin' clearly for once."

Pac-Man waddled onto the scene and tripped over his own feet. Ike and Bowser Junior emerged onto the deck to see the yellow one fall over on his side.

"This ground! It is just the right temperature," Puck noted, and then began rolling back and forth on the ground and creating his own sound effects.

"Grouuuuund. Woooow. What a beautiful word for a beautiful thing. Ueeeeewwwwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Schwaaaaarbbble darble," said Pac-Man, seemingly enamored with his own genius. He repeated the exact phrase over and over, as if he were trying to force himself to come up with an onomatopoetic line that could be quoted in hipster movies for months to come.

"Over here, Puckerton," insisted Bowser Junior. He and Ike proceeded to roll the guy towards the bridge.

"You guys look like you've had it rough. Where's Luigi?" asked Link.

"He hopped another ride," said Melville.

As everyone filed into the bridge to heal, Link put a hand on the Villager's head.

"Hey, kid. I heard you kicked some serious ass out there."

"Aww, shucks, I just did what anyone would have done."

"Anyone who's got their heart in the right place, maybe," Link said. "A rarer breed than you might think. I can't thank you enough. For a new recruit, you've been a great help. But I'm going to need to ask a little more of you before this night's over."

Melville nodded solemnly. "Sure thing, man. By the way, where's Bowser?"

A lump formed in Link's throat as they entered the bridge. _Don't lose it, man! Don't lose it!_

"Bowser… well… they took him. In his Giga form."

The Male Villager's nose suddenly erupted into a gushing nosebleed.

"MEDIC!" yelled Link.

Zelda tossed him a Fairy Bottle, which Link placed in Melville's hands and uncorked. The flying pixie healed all the Male Villager's wounds and effectively stopped the bleeding.

Still, the new kid found his knees ready to give way.

"No. Not Bowser… how could they…"

"Chin up, son!" Link commanded. "We'll get him back!"

Melville snapped to attention before he realized what he was doing.

"Y-yes, sir!"

Link gave him another pat on the head and peered at the radar. He contained his surprise upon seeing even more ships converging around the _OG Great Fox_.

"All right, kid. Now get some food, you're gonna need carbs if these readings are any indication."

The Hylian tightened his fists against the console.

_It's the decisive conflict. That's the only explanation there is. _He looked across the room to where his girlfriend was patching up Ness (and undoubtedly reading into his mind). _Zelda, I need you._

The princess calmly closed the distance and joined Link at the helm. "What is it, baby? Oh."

A swarm was manifesting out of nowhere, as if through massive inter-dimensional portals. Then, the radar in that region was suddenly flooded by a mass of black pixels. The very sight of it gave them both goosebumps.

Zelda instinctively grabbed onto Link's arm.

He batted his eyes at her. _Be strong, honey. Be strong for the others._

"What… what are we going to do?" she whispered.

"The same thing we always do when the shit hits the fan. We don't give up hope."

He bent over and French-kissed her. The spark of the kiss drew her back briefly into a very old memory, but the barriers were still strongly in place, preventing the princess from exploring the recollections that she knew were _there_, just beyond her reach.

_I at least don't want to die without knowing the truth about my past! This is torture!_

Her lips quivered, and before long she withdrew her tongue and averted her eyes.

Link's inner thoughts cut through her angst. _Is she okay? She looks like she's ready to cry._

Blinking away the tears, Zelda smiled and took his hand again.

_I'm okay, baby, _she told him._ I'll be on the bridge. DK and Diddy need a break, anyway. Let me know if you need me._

As Link was left alone to formulate his battle plan, he watched carefully as Zelda strode away, and thought a thought that he didn't mind her listening in on.

_I'm not a fan of white lies. But if you're going to be strong for me, then I'll do my best for you, too, my love._

* * *

Pauline laughed like Fran Drescher as she sipped from Knuckles' whisky flask.

"Naw, it's funny you should ask, coz, you know, I've slept with a lotta beings in my time, and I am a firm believer in technique over endowment."

"So who are your picks for technique and size?" asked Amy.

"Technique… Hmmmm. It's a tough call between Mario and Luigi. The older one's more intense and experienced, the younger more responsive and sensitive. Not for nuttin', but size-wise, no one compares to Donkey Kong," Pauline explained to Amy Rose. She used her hands to illustrate that DK's dong was about the length and girth of a cardboard movie poster tube (24" x 3").

"That must be incredibly painful!"

"Well, yeah. At least until you realize that he can regulate its size and girth at will. He inhales and it shrinks, exhales an' it expands, just where he wants it to. He ain't king o' the jungle for nothin'. Don't read me wrong, sis, it's a real mouthful, but that's another story."

Pauline flashed a smile, and then pulled out the set of dentures from her mouth.

"WHOA!" all of Sonic's crew exclaimed at once.

"Yeah. Ain't his fault. I dared him to go as fast as he could. Ain't so bad if you shove a couple o' bananas in your mouth," she said with a smile. "He's a real gentleman, too. Sure, DK never had Mario's stamina, way back when he was sober… but then again, that man's in a class of 'is own…"

"We've got another one!" exclaimed Kirby from the crow's nest.

"Man, what now?" sighed Sonic as he used a random Craftsman 19.2 V Cordless Drill Driver to install a coat hanger onto the outside of the captain's cabin, for no reason at all.

"Hey! Quit drillin' glory holes for yourself, pencil dick! I'm gonna lose my rental deposit" exclaimed Shadow.

But Sonic ignored him. He then turned to the camera and flashily twirled the drill and slid it into the front pocket of his orange Home Depot apron. "More saving. More doing. That's the power of the Home Depot."

While Sonic was earning his advertising commission, the others were squinting at the object swiftly approaching from behind them. A fully-grown adult human male was flying through the empty space.

"It's another dude," Knuckles observed, somewhat disappointed.

Before long the soaring stranger was close enough for Kirby to leap up, swallow him, and spit him back out.

"Sweet!" Kirby exclaimed as he rubbed his new layer of facial hair.

Solid Snake wiped the saliva from his face. "Uh, thanks," he said upon realizing that these Smashers weren't lining up to attack him.

A call came in from his codec just then. "Lead them to the moon base," Agent Copper instructed him.

"OK," Snake transmitted via discreet Morse code taps on the side of his face, though he clearly had plans of his own that were unrelated to either side of this conflict.

"Hey, guys. Name's Snake. Solid Snake. Sonic, Kirby, you guys don't remember me, but I'm on your side at the moment."

"At the moment?" Shadow scoffed.

"Just an honest man, tryin' to make a living. I've recently realized that I'm done working for a pack of liars," said Snake, and he meant it.

_I was a fool to think I could keep this up just so I could watch over my waifu._

"This conflict has been going on for years now," he continued, "but if we work together, we can make it end tonight."

"Ending a war can come at too high a price," Knuckles pointed out.

"Yeah, how do we know you're not pulling our legs?" asked the facial-haired Kirby.

"Well, you're just gonna have to take my word, but if it means anything, I'm in love with Samus Aran. I swear on the sanctified seat of Chuck Norris' jeans that I'll do anything to protect her."

Hearing himself say those words was a defining moment for Snake. He flashed a years-old strip of wallet-sized photos of the couple from a Korean sticker photo booth to prove his point.

"Yeah, you're only like the millionth person in Smash City to profess your love for her," said Tails. "What's new?"

"What's new is that I know stuff. Stuff that can change the outcome of this war. Everything will make sense once you take me to the front lines."

"On one condition, pal," said Sonic. "My friends and I are very interested in getting face-to-face with the asshole that started this mess. Can you get us to see him, face-to-face? I want him to understand just how much hell he's put my crew and I through, right before I tear him a new asshole."

"Huh," Snake replied. "I can't promise that he'll let you fight him, but I can get you guys face to face."

"Then you've got yourself a deal-io," said Sonic, and they shook on it.

* * *

Pikachu spun his forward-aerial attack towards Jigglypuff, but the pink puffball simply floated over him and retaliated with a back-kick.

"Piiiiika!" (Traitor! Betraying your kind is the worst crime any Pokemon can commit!)

But the pink one simply laughed as it slapped its rubber-suit-covered behind. "Jigg-aly!" (Darkness is my mistress now. No longer do I consider your like my brethren.)

Pikachu bared his fangs and cracked his neck muscles. He channeled all his electric energy into his Quick Attack movements, and dashed towards Jigglypuff as if he were going to pull off another tackle.

The pink one leapt into the air, and Pikachu retaliated with a Thunder attack. Though the rubberized suit protected the Jigglypuff from damage, it did nothing against the blinding light, which flooded its gigantic pupils and blinded it for a spell.

Pikachu used this opening to leap into the air and juggle the Jiggly with physical attacks. He finished with a Headbutt that knocked the air out of the floating female. She bounced off the chain-link fence surrounding the transformer.

"JIGGLYPUFF!" (Slaves, you are. Mindless pawns in the game of life. There is so much more.)

He cried valiantly in response as he dashed towards Jiggly to continue his combo.

"CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" (If we be slaves in your eyes, then truly, you are misreading the situation. We are free Pokemon!)

Pikachu used Bite! It wasn't very effective…

Jigglypuff used Pound! Pikachu took 16% damage!

"Puff! Puff!" (Those who live in glass houses should be wary of throwing bricks.)

"PIKA PI!" (It matters not whether we can return to that pampered life! This is a quest for vengeance, to prove to you Overlords that these brain-meltings will not be tolerated! Long and hard this day we have fought to avenge Lucario, and by golly, we will succeed!)

Pikachu grabbed Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff flinched and couldn't move!

Pikachu used Tackle! And he used it again! And again! Hit three times! Jigglypuff took 12% damage!

Jigglypuff was stunned and couldn't move! Pikachu used down-throw to down-smash! Jigglypuff took 16% damage and went flying!

Jigglypuff used Rollout! But it missed!

Finally, before Pikachu could punish the desperate attack out of his perfectly-timed ground-dodge, Greninja arrived on the scene and caught Jigglypuff in his pitcher's glove.

Pikachu waved to his buddy. "Pikaaaaaaaaaaaa!" (Verily, thou hast impeccable timing, friend.)

"Wark, wark!" (Let's finish this job!)

Greninja crushed Jigglypuff in his palm and dribbled her on the floor. He tossed her into the Silo, where Blastoise Skull-Bashed her into Sceptile's Leaf Blade, effectively fainting the poor thing.

Pikachu and Greninja, now joined by Sceptile and Metagross, proceeded to destroy the transformers, downing a big chunk of the Moon's Electric Barrier.

* * *

Captain Falcon spotted the giant figure from the rear-facing cameras again.

"I swear, dude, I saw it! It was like a big-ass Pokemon or somethin'!"

"I gots all da _big ass_ I need right here. But tha's nice," replied Little Mac, who was still playing _Fat Princess._

"No, it's not! It's the opposite of nice, just like your fat fetish right now is the opposite of helpful!"

"Well, what would you have me do? Look at my dick. Its boner hangs by but a thread. If this is to be its end, then I would have it make such an end, as to engorge itself into a climax worthy of-"

"Use your powers for good, my man! Just think about all the tears of chubby chicks all over Smash City! The streets will flood if the Smashgrounds loses its two hottest bachelors!"

"You mean Ike and Marth?"

"Great bait, mate! I rate it eight outta eight! Now get out there before I toss your trolling ass out! And plug that Vita in, the battery's shit enough as it is!"

"Hokay G."

And so, tethered to a strong bungee harness with plungers tied to his feet, wearing a backpack filled with ranged weapons and equipped with a radio headset, Little Mac stood on the roof of the wobbly _F-Zero _racer and tried to spot the oncoming beast. It should have been easy, but whatever it was seemed to be continually phasing in and out of existence, popping through portals ripped through the fabric of space-time itself.

"Bro, I see somethin' aight, but it keeps disappearin' when I look at it directly."

"Don't be talkin' about that _Doctor Who_ shit!"

"Nah, ain't the Silence. Is huge tho. Gotta be one o' dem Pokemans."

Just then a mighty roar emanated from right behind the _Blue Falcon._

Little Mac leaned back as far as he could and whipped out the Gust Bellows. Like a Ghostbuster, he started blowing the giant beast away.

"Who's that Pokemon?" Captain Falcon asked the _Blue Falcon's _onboard Pokedex.

"It's Palkia!" a chorus of children answered him, as its Legendary base stats appeared on the dash.

The Pokedex continued: "It has the ability to distort space. It can pretty much split your brain in half if it wants to. Its weaknesses include gluten, Mariah Carey, and Dragon-Type attacks."

Just then, a paralyzing Dragon Breath attack nearly missed the _Blue Falcon_; it would have hit if Captain Falcon hadn't used a chunk of his Boost Power, further weakening their shields.

"Quick!" Little Mac asked the Cap. "Do you still have Mariah Carey's 'Rainbow' album?"

"Motherfucker. I think I lent it to Olimar. He was supposed to return it!"

"How about 'Glitter'?" he wailed; they barely avoided a widely-swung Aqua Tail attack.

"Hold up a sec! AUGH! You and Palutena were fucking on top o' it! Shit's scratched beyond repair! If only we had something with gluten!"

"Fuck me in the ass and call me 'Channing'," said Little Mac. "We're sitting ducks."

"Soon to be Peking Ducks!" a deep feminine voice called from atop Palkia.

Riding on its back was none other than a helmeted, non-gender-specific-lookin' person, who wore a futuristic blue suit that was definitely a precursor for Captain Falcon's.

"Hey, just who the hell are you supposed to be?" Captain Falcon asked. "I already have several look-alike doppelgangers!"

"I'm the woman whose spotlight _you _ended up stealing! And I'm going to fuck you up till you remember my name!"

"C'mon lady," said Little Mac, who tossed the used-up Gust Bellows. "We've had a rough night. Can't we please talk about this over some drinks?"

"Yeah, it's not like I can recall the name of every woman I've- FUCK! Dodge, Mac!" Captain Falcon cried.

Palkia's Dragon Claw slashed Little Mac's left arm clean off.

"AHHHHHHH!" he cried. "YOU BITCH!"

Little Mac charged up a Super Scope and fired it at the Pokemon before it could use its next attack. He then whipped out a Ray Gun to do the same, but the furious femme was more accurate. Her Ray Gun took out the _Blue Falcon's _engine in three precisely-aimed hits.

"Sorry Douglas, it was nice knowin' ya," he said as his arm stub began to regenerate.

Little Mac held onto the racer tightly with his right arm as the _Blue Falcon_ sputtered to a stop.

"My name…" she said dramatically. "Is Mach Rider!"

It had the unintended effect of getting Little Mac to burst out laughing. "Wait. That's really your name? Mac Rider? Does that mean I get a free one? I been told I'm pretty fly for a short guy."

Captain Falcon groaned. "Do you really want your parting words to be a stupid pun, dude?"

"You're the bigger idiot," said Mach Rider. "You wasted your parting words commenting on a stupid pun, when you could have said something relevant to our relationship."

"What relationship?" the Captain asked. "I don't even know you!"

"YES YOU DID, DOUGIE! ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DID! We made love under the stars and watched _Cowboy Bebop _together!"

"Dougie?" laughed Little Mac. "DOUGIE?"

"Oh, that's _IT_!"

Palkia's Spatial Rend attack sent the vehicle spinning down to the Moon's surface, and the Captain and Little Mac were caught up in its fireball as it plummeted through the atmosphere.

* * *

**II. Soldiers of the Wasteland**

Now that the dark castle was mostly emptied, Mega Man was biding his time, waiting for the perfect opportunity. Bomberman was now raging at Zoe Quinn's attention-baiting posts on Twitter.

He'd almost found it. He, Shrek, and Rayman were being escorted through the Dungeons, where Miis and side characters were being stored in cramped, smelly cells that stunk of mold and piss. The sounds of whipping and tortured screaming were fast approaching.

"It's like the Ritz-Carlton up in here," Mega Man observed. He scratched his crotch.

_Ugh. Could it be that I got some kind of infection from that Birdo? Jeebus, _he realized. _So not my day._

"Whatta bitch!" yelled Bomberman after reading some of the _Depression Quest _developer's comments. "Ugh! Not only did she doxx herself and start playing the victim, she's actually gaining allies! This is the same she-devil that sabotaged the Fine Young Capitalists' Game Jam to promote her own shadow of a competing event! Can you believe the gall of that slutbag?"

"Yes, I can. Some people will do anything for attention, but she's not the story, B-Daman," a weak voice sounded out from a glass cell in the center of the room. "The story is the corruption and nepotism in games journalism. While she may very well be guilty of all that's charged, engaging in personal attacks is not the answer. You're giving a bad name to gamers everywhere."

Bomberman turned to regard the Mii, who had a head with parted hair closely resembling that of Masahiro Sakurai, and scoffed.

"What would you know, Son Goku? You're just a _9GAG _scrub who looks at cat pictures, works out, and eats food all day. Were you ever bullied or socially outcast for your hobbies?"

"I can't say that I have been. But I do know that harassing women isn't the way you're gonna solve shit in this world. It don't matter if Anita Whatsername was never threatened and lied about calling the police. The solution is to spread the truth about her lies, not harass her. You gotta be the change you wanna see. Speaking of which, any word from the top? Do you think I can get my real body back anytime soon?"

Bomberman shook his head. "Not my department, hombre. _Gomen nasai._"

Goku looked at Rayman, Mega Man, and Shrek with puppy-dog eyes. "Please, guys… You gotta do somethin'. That Mashpotato Samurai dude, he went and swapped bodies with me. I can't fly or eat or fight no more. And they've been feeding me nothing but rice and spicy curry five times a day, for weeks. I used to love spicy curry! Now all my inner tubes are on fire and my toilet smells like the _Toxic Avenger_'s halitosis. I got friends and family out there, guys. It's, like, super depressing."

Mega Man waved to Goku. "Hey, uh, I'm a really big fan of your work, sir, especially during the Saiyan and Frieza arcs."

"Oh, thanks."

"Really wish I could help, bud," Mega Man replied, and held up his shackles. "But as you can see, we ain't doin' much better than yerself."

Goku squinted to get a closer look at the Super Fighting Robot. He rubbed his eyes.

"Wait! Sonnuva!" he exclaimed. "Bomb-brains, do you even know who this is?"

"Yeah, yeah. Meganium Man or somefink."

"_Mega Man_! He's practically gaming royalty, you dumb shit! You can't treat him like this!"

"You wanna write a formal complaint? Take it up with the Head Torturer."

"C'mon, bro! He doesn't listen to anyone! It's mindless order-followers like you that are making this world unlivable!" Goku cried. "You have the power to change things, but instead you just go along with everyone else, doin' what's expected of you! For shame, dude!"

"Hey, in life, you gotta pick your battles. Mine just happen to be about the purity of gaming culture."

"Gaming doesn't need idiots like you to fight for it! Look what /v/ has done with Vivian! There's gonna be no progress until y'all put hate aside and agree that the number one priority facing our growing civilization is fine culinary cuisine! Meaning- Hey, don't you walk away from me! Give me something else to eat! NO MORE CURRY! PLEASE!"

Bomberman led his prisoners past the screaming Super Saiyan trapped in a Mii's body to the main concourse. As they entered the Primary Torture Hall from the upper levels and walked down a ramp to the large sunken central area, Mega Man scoped out their surroundings. Aside from the dozen Mech and Infantry Units escorting them, there were barely any guards aside from about two dozen assorted Primids – easy pickings. And the cast-iron gates were closed behind them.

A screaming guy was on his knees with his hands bound and tied to the top of a pole. A cat-o-nine-tails whip lashed against his back, adding to a number of criss-crosses that made the poor blonde feller look as if he'd spent several nights cooking atop a barbecue grill.

Tears fell to the floor to join the puddle of blood and sweat. "I have a family! Please!"

"I got family too, Isaac! They've suffered through more than this, and they were never stupid enough to leak info about an unreleased game! You signed that NDA, didn't you?"

"I did! I swear I did!"

"Then to quote one o' yer own Nintendorks, you'll get no sympathy from me! Ten more lashes, then it's back to waterboarding!"

But the strikes never came. Simon Belmont put down the whip and sighed as he saw Bomberman approach. "You again! It's about time!"

"Got some more fresh meat for ya," said the White Bomber.

"Delightful. You're not even gonna attempt to apologize. It only took you like two fucking hours."

Bomberman looked around to make sure he was the one being addressed. "Sorry?"

"You were supposed to take over my shift! Don't you pay attention to the schedules around here?"

"Hey man, torture room shifts conflict with my availability on weekends. I wasn't notified."

"That's why there's a fucking board, shit-for-brains! Have you been snorting gunpowder again?"

As the two were arguing, Mega Man gestured his shackles to Shrek. "Break 'em, buddy. Rayman's too. There's no better time than now to blow this joint."

Shrek nodded, and on the count of three he broke his shackles, then crunched Mega Man's and Rayman's simultaneously.

"The hell?" Simon belted as Rayman's fist connected with his gut. The torturer went flying back into the far wall.

"How aboot dem fists of fury, eh?" Rayman cackled as he followed up with some rapid punches.

Mega Man and Shrek brutally murdered the closest of the Mech and Infantry Units in no time, scattering the company.

Relatively unfazed by this chaos, which as far as he was concerned was business as usual, Bomberman calmly pocketed his iPhone, unzipped his backpack, equipped his Guardian Armor, and put up his dukes.

"Let's see if Hello Kitty's got claws!" Mega Man taunted him after dispatching their guard.

"You mess with a lion, you get the horns, _be-atch_!"

Mega Man short-hopped and tried to catch him with an Air Cutter, but the White Bomber backflipped away and tossed a Remote Bomb at him.

"Run!" Shrek screamed, and shielded Mega Man from the explosion, which took out half of the remaining troops.

As Mega Man pretzeled an Infantry Unit with his Top Spin dash attack, he noted that Shrek was riddled with bullet holes. _Bless the poor ogre, he's still brawlin' like a champ._

"Oh yeah! That's right! We fightin'! We fightin!" Rayman yelled, shadow-boxing as he dodged Simon's thrown crucifixes. While he wasn't looking, a Sword Primid approached from behind and stunned him. The sweet-spot of Simon's whip smacked Rayman, sending him back into the pole where Isaac was tied up.

"Rayman… please… help… me…" Isaac moaned.

He'd never bullied him like the others. Rayman climbed up the pole and tossed his fists at the approaching Primids, all the while stomping down the chains that held the Venus Adept into place.

Meanwhile, Mega Man leapt over Bomberman's kicked bombs, and even sent a few back with sliding kicks while he gave chase. A few explosions barely missed him.

As the White Bomber appeared to be retreating towards some sort of switch in the corner, Mega Man fired a Crash Bomber across the room; the sticky explosive landed atop one of Bomberman's fully buffed-up Megabombs and blew up in Mega Man's face, breaking his shield and stunning him.

"Bomberman, you stupid fucker! Pull the _Un-Omega_ Lever!" cried Simon, whose tossed axes denied Shrek attempts to land any of his powerful aerial attacks.

"Way ahead of ya!" replied Bomberman. He yanked a lever that shook the entire torture chamber.

As Mega Man recovered, he felt the ground beneath him shaking. "What's goin' on?"

Shrek wrecked two Primids by smashing them together. "Stay close, laddie!"

But the ground had other plans. Eight-foot high blocks suddenly rose up between all the combatants, trapping them in the midst of a large grid. Even worse, the torches surrounding the room all flickered out at once.

The main theme from _Bomberman _began to play from surround-sound speakers as large blue bombs came flying in from every direction.

Mega Man used a slide-tackle to knock one of them away from the duo. Shrek kicked another, sending it sliding across the room. Somehow, they were being targeted, with no way of spotting how or where from, let alone retaliating.

They ducked behind a corner block as a rather large charged-up bomb caused a deafening explosion that spanned an entire row and column of the dark battlefield.

"Where is that asshole?" Mega Man asked, picking up a Motion-Sensor Bomb that just spawned on the battlefield floor.

Meanwhile, Isaac had just been freed of his chains. He and Rayman advanced against the onslaught of incoming explosives. The _Golden Sun _hero summoned a Granite Djinn to boost the duo's defensive stats, and then a Flint Djinn to kill the Mech Unit firing a bazooka at them. The light from the Djinn's attack lit up the room.

"He's firing at us from the ceiling!" Isaac screamed.

Even with his giant ears, Shrek just barely heard this. "Keep yellin', laddie!"

He hoisted Mega Man up on his shoulders and ran across the floor towards the voice.

"We're over here!" called Rayman, who caught Simon's thrown bottle of Holy Water and lobbed it back in his face. Shards of glass punctured the Belmont bro's eye sockets. He flung his whip every which way and slapped Rayman's torso, hard.

"YEOWCH!"

"Do ya see him?" the ogre asked. They were verily approaching.

Mega Man switched his eyes to Night-Vision mode and searched the ceiling, all the while shielding his retina from the light of nearby explosions. He spotted a vehicle hugging the walls of the arena, spitting out bombs from a tube underneath like a trigger-happy Shit Pellet Ninja. Within its cockpit, Bomberman was wearing a pair of night-vision goggles.

"Right there!" yelled Mega Man. "Toss me!"

And so Shrek did. The Blue Bomber went airborne. He summoned Rush, bounced off his back, and double-jumped, all the while charging his Mega Buster. When he approached the wall-hugging vessel, he let loose his Charge Shot, and then followed with a Flame Sword. He just managed to puncture the cockpit glass and grab a hold of the pink antenna thing at the back of the White Bomber's helmet.

"OWOWOWOWOW!" Bomberman yelled, spazzing against the controls. Mega Man had pulled him off the edge of his bomb-spewing vehicle and smacked him in the face.

"Get offa me!" cried the White Bomber, who was hanging from his feet wedged against his vehicle's dashboard.

Mega Man pulled Bomberman's head down over the shards of glass, which was cutting into his neck. "Not until I finalize this divorce between yer head and yer neck!"

"Unfortunately, I'm rather attached to it!" Bomberman yelled, and shoved a Remote Bomb into Mega Man's mouth.

"OH SHH-" Mega Man managed before Bomberman blew him up and sent him falling back down to the stage.

What the explosives expert did not notice, however, was that Mega Man had dropped a Motion-Sensor bomb on the floor of his vehicle. That is, until he had just stepped on it.

"Touche," said he, and then closed his eyes in anticipation of the ensuing explosion.

After shielding his head from the debris, Bomberman soared across the room, performed a tech off the opposite wall, and carefully landed atop one of the pillars surrounding the battlefield.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are," Bomberman sang as he leapt from pillar to pillar, dropping Remote Bombs every which way.

"Gah!" cried Simon Belmont. The White Bomber ran over to see if his buddy needed help; it appeared that Rayman's Berserk mode had kicked in again.

"You thought you could kill me that easily, didn't you?" its deep-toned voice growled.

Simon chuckled. "Not gonna lie, fool! There was a betting pool, and I was on the other side of it!"

"Oh, you haven't seen the other side! Not yet, old-timer!"

Just as Rayman's enlarged fist pounded the vampire slayer's face into total mush, though, Bomberman leapt down from the pillar, shoved a bomb down Rayman's throat, grabbed the limbless man, and tossed him into the labyrinth.

"Mmmmpphhhh!" cried Rayman, whose eyes bulged. As he flew through the darkened chamber, he waved a heartfelt goodbye to Mega Man.

_I'm sorry we couldn't see this through to the end, bud. Thank you for believing in me._

Rayman then exploded in a cascade of guts and sharp pixels, some of which cut into Bomberman's torso.

"Th-thanks," the remains of Simon's misshapen skull replied as Bomberman pulled him up from the corner. Simon's eyes began to repair themselves just in time to see Shrek charging towards them at top speed.

"Ah'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

The ogre launched Simon into the air, where Isaac's Quartz Djinn created a Spire that fell from the roof and stabbed the Belmont in the midst of his bronchial tubes.

"Urghhh!" he cried as his chest erupted in blood.

_A stake through the heart_, he mused._ What an ironic way to go._

Shrek then grabbed Simon and tossed him on the ground, where he and Isaac proceeded to Wombo Combo him out of existence.

"Hold him down!" Isaac cried, and Shrek grabbed both the vampire hunter's arms and spread them apart.

"I'll see you all in hell!" Simon yelled, and spat at the duo. He yanked out the Spire and shoved the stalactite deep into Shrek's ear, spurting ogre blood all over the place.

"Ye'll pay fer that!" screamed Shrek, but he never got his chance.

Isaac finished Simon off by casting a Psynergic Odyssey Sword Strike, splitting his opponent down the middle – he died in the midst of dark laughter.

Meanwhile, Mega Man's dual Metal Blade and Air Cutter attacks smacked Bomberman upside the head. The Blue Bomber picked up the White Bomber, bounced him off the floor, and followed up with a Flame Blast (down-smash), which trapped Bomberman in twin pillars of flame. Once he recovered from that, Mega Man grabbed him again and threw him into a Spark Shock (up-smash), electrocuting Bomberman with every excess volt in his Energy Tank.

"Rayman was my friend!" Mega Man yelled. "MY FRIEND!"

Bomberman's head spun as Mega Man then grabbed him one last time and tossed him into one of the eight-foot tall pillars, cracking his helmet. As Mega Man approached, he noticed that Bomberman had whipped out his phone and hit a switch on one of his apps.

Mega Man elbowed the guy's neck against the wall and picked up the phone.

It read: "_Emergency Dimensional Fissure Activated._"

He crushed it. "Do you have _anything _to say for yerself before ya join all them other suicide bombers? I doubt they're gonna have any virgins awaiting a reject like you."

"L-l-look behind you."

Mega Man grabbed Bomberman by the neck and forced him to the floor. Upon hearing a loud ripping sound, as that of a seat of cosmic pants being shredded open, he stole a quick peek at where Shrek and Isaac were standing not five seconds ago.

A tear in the wall had suddenly formed; t'was a rip into some pulsing vortex of a dimension beyond what they were capable of processing. It created a deafening suction that absorbed nearly all sound.

"SAYONARA, LITTLE BOY BLUE! ARRIVEDERCI!"

"THE FUCK IS THAT?!"

The Primids and few remaining soldiers fell into the gaping maw. Simon, Shrek, and Isaac were sucked in. Bomberman, laughing all the way, let himself get swallowed up into its depths.

Mega Man extended his Spark Shock electrodes and jammed them in between rocks in the cobblestone floor to anchor himself in place.

Various implements of torture flew past the Blue Bomber. Iron Maidens. Piping hot kettles of oil. Morning stars. A Mii of David Letterman wailing like a banshee.

David grabbed onto Mega Man's leg. "Help me!"

"REACH!" Mega Man offered his hand, and David was merely millimeters away, but out of nowhere a Mii of Oprah Winfrey flew into the host's lookalike and knocked him into the fray.

_Well, just goes to show… when you feud with a literal daytime TV giant… it'll be the death of ya both._

The first of Mega Man's electrodes snapped from the pressure. His other one began wobbling in place

_Really lookin' like it's gonna be the end_._ I'm sorry, Peach. I'll have to take a raincheck for that date of ours. Maybe there's an Event Horizon to this. _

_If there's a Restaurant at the End of the Universe, then maybe there's a Restaurant at the End of All Digital Existence. I can see the menu now._

_Entrees:_

_0_

_1_

_Drinks:_

_0_

_1_

But before he could get to this hypothetical dessert menu, however, Mega Man's grip weakened. Just as he was about to let go, however, from the other side of the pillar, a hand reached out to save him. It belonged to a Mii who had cleverly anchored himself via a heavy chain tied around his waist.

_Son Goku._

"Grab on!"

The Mii grabbed onto Mega Man's hand and held him tightly. He pulled Mega Man up to the other side of the pillar and they rode out the last wave of the inter-dimensional vacuum before the crack in space-time closed itself up by literally zipping out of existence.

Mega Man sputtered and coughed. He opened his android mouth and pulled out an entire Bellsprout.

"Hey… Son Goku… You risked your life for me… thanks, man."

"I never forget a fan," said the familiar voice, which sounded bizarre coming from Masahiro Sakurai's Mii. "Though I'm sorry about your friends."

_Too soon_, thought Mega Man.

He walked on over to the wall where the portal was. There were no remnants of Rayman, Shrek, or Isaac. Nothing of their presence would grace the Moon any longer.

"What's gonna happen to them? Are they-"

"Isaac's going to return in some form, that's almost a sure thing. He hasn't been announced as an Assist Trophy yet. He'll be DLC, maybe. That is, if he's ever forgiven for leaking the roster. As for the others… well… chances are Mother CAST doesn't have copies of them. But I could be wrong."

Mega Man wiped away the tears before they ran down his blubbering face. He set up a few stones by the wall as a memorial, eulogizing each of his allies. "Shrek… buddy… you're the first friend I made here. Ya can't just leave me like this. An' Rayman… you were pretty fucked up… but you came through in the final analysis. Isaac… I didn't know ya. But you had some pretty cool abilities. Oh Asimov, I just can't do this."

Goku put a hand on Mega Man's shoulder. "I know it's rough, buddy. But we gotta get out of here."

The Super Fighting Robot nodded and gulped down a whole Energy Tank. "Right, brother. Let's go kick some Ominous Ass an' get your body back."

* * *

**III. Cry for Eternity**

Sheik flew Samus' gunship back around towards the _OG Great Fox, _nimbly avoiding Crazy Hand, which just joined the party.

Olimar and his horde of Pikmin had latched onto the dimensional-shifting hand. His army was slowing its joints and movements, making the giant gloved beast behave even more erratically than usual.

"Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy!" Olimar screamed as he bucked atop Crazy Hand's thumb.

"Quit temptin' fate like that, Ollie!" Falco yelled as he blasted open the latest supply box Wolf sent him from aboard the _OG Great Fox_. "He's at two-thirds health! Ya don't know if he's gonna transform yet!"

Meanwhile, on the _OG Great Fox, _Fox had just left Zombified Pigma a slobbering mess.

"I was s'posed to be dead…" Pigma wept. "Supposed to be dead and retired and livin' my life in Liberty City, but they brought me back here to fight your ass again. For no reason whatsoever."

"Except there _was _a reason," insisted Fox. "Whatever it was. If they can bring you back… what about my dad?"

"Yer dad's still alive, boyo, kept frozen," admitted Pigma. "Do ya really think any of us _die_? It's all a part o' the fiction."

"And what fiction is that?"

Pigma smiled. "The ones _they _write to make a profit. You best step back, kid. I'm about to sign my death warrant."

"Uh, as if."

"Seriously, just… just a couple o' feet will do. I got nowhere to run.";

It was true. They were both standing atop the _Great Fox_. Fox backed off.

"You, an' me… all o' us here… we're all video game characters. This particular game's a fightin' game. Called Super Smash-"

With that, Pigma completely exploded.

Fox blinked twice. _No way._

He gazed at the insane battle taking place around him. After dusting off the part of his brain that was used for critical thinking, Fox pondered the way that none of the physics stayed consistent, like everything had been arranged on a green screen.

The more he thought of the entire universe as an artifice, a digital façade, the more everything appeared to make sense.

Then McCloud studied his laser gun.

_If this is a video game, then there's no way I can die._

Caught in a daze, he shot himself in the head.

"AHHHHH!" Fox cried aloud. He collapsed onto his knees and grabbed at his smoking skull.

"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed Wolf, who facepalmed again. He'd leapt from the cockpit hatch, grabbed Fox, and dragged him down into the cockpit with him.

After uncorking a Fairy Bottle and tossing several buckets of ice water in Fox's face, Wolf slapped him hard enough to send him spinning. "Now are you gonna man up, Fox? Or are you gon' try to make yourself into _Ghost Rider _again? This ain't _Persona 3_!"

There was no answer. Instead, Fox puked his guts out on the floor.

"We literally _just _had this shit cleaned…" groaned Wolf.

"You don't understand, man. It's a game… it's all… we're in _The Matrix_, goddamnit!"

"Look, buddy. I don't know what the fuck that swine told you that blew his head straight open, but even if we _are _in_ The Matrix_ right now, we can't fucking die, do you hear? If you die in _The Matrix_, you fucking die IRL!_ Comprende_?"

"_C-claro_," replied Fox.

Not too far from this drama, Sheik's hands trembled as she read the incoming radar within Samus' gunship.

"You're not gonna like this, Sammy," Sheik said to the bounty hunter.

Samus pulled Krystal over to glance at the radar. An abnormally huge gathering of forces was approaching from the Moon's surface, soon to arrive at their location.

_By the light! Either they're going to exterminate us once and for all, or… who am I kidding, we're all dead._

"There's no running from this," Krystal mumbled. "But there's a chance we can end this by talking it over with the Powers-That-Be."

"When have you guys ever been fond of that solution?" quipped Sheik. "We've been trying to discover the truth for years."

"So you think. You've discovered it before. Many times. And it never ended well."

"Why, pray tell, has it not ended well?" Sheik queried.

"It's really quite simple."

"If it's so simple," Samus asked her, putting her face right up to Krystal's, "then why don't you tell us?"

"Because I'd rather they not blow my head up, like they did to E. Gadd, and Pigma just now."

Samus turned to Sheik. "Have you heard about this?"

"There was somethin' on the radio just now," said Sheik. "Wasn't clear. Heard the words Zombie Pigma and 'dead' mentioned in the same sentence. But according to Peppy's records, he was already supposed to be dead. Results unclear."

"All right, Krystal. Now you're gonna be a good prisoner and sit down."

She had Krystal sit in a rather uncomfortable metal chair. Shackles engulfed her arms and legs.

"I don't suppose you'll have anything for me to drink?" asked the prisoner.

Samus popped the cooler, cracked open a _Sapporo_ beer, and shoved it in a beer cap. She then stuck the straw in Krystal's mouth.

"I may be a bounty hunter, but let it never be said that I'm inhumane."

Samus then stripped off her Varia Suit and stretched.

"Ready to switch, Sheik? You go topside. I'll take the helm."

The Sheikah nodded, and they quickly switched places. "I'm not gonna lie, it's a relief that you're taking over. Don't get me wrong, she flies like a dream. I'm just more comfortable with my own gadgets."

"You did a great job for a first-timer," Samus complimented her. "Now keep an eye out up there. It's crazy."

"Aye, aye."

"OH! Speaking of 'eyes', you might wanna brush those bangs aside. I get that it adds to the 'cool' look, but you want depth perception when you're fighting in 3D space."

"Duly noted," Sheik said, tucking her bangs in behind her headband as the lift ascended her to the gunship's rooftop.

Samus took the controls and blasted several Space Pirate bogeys into dust.

Meanwhile, Krystal tried to hone her telepathic abilities by attempting to see into Samus' mind. Though she was a physical beast, she didn't seem to have put up any strong mental barriers, aside from her stoic personality.

_You could really do with Occlumency lessons, Ms. Aran._

"So… how do you know Fox?" she asked Krystal.

The vixen was armed and ready to answer the question. "He stole my job from me."

"Do tell!"

"Er, I'm afraid that frank discussion on that matter enters some spoiler territory. The head-blowing-off kind."

"Oh, feel free to leave out the parts you can't talk about. I just want the meaty details," Samus said with a sly grin as one of Sheik's burst grenades landed in Leon's fuel compartment and sent the last remaining Star Wolf member spiraling out of control.

Krystal bit her lip and closed her eyes.

_Take me away to paradise. Someone blow us up now. Please. Before I fall to pieces right here._

Thankfully, something even better than that happened.

"Incoming airship!" Sheik called. "Kirby's on it! They're hailing us!"

After boosting in between Falco and the pursuing Master Hand, Samus pulled her gunship up towards the airship, which resembled one of the hundreds of quick-sailing schooners in Bowser's fleet.

"Make it quick!" cried Samus, taking stock of the rather large cast of characters. "Get on!"

"Thanks for the ride!" Snake told Sonic. "I won't forget this."

Kirby and Snake leapt onto Samus' Nayru's Love-protected gunship. Sheik created temporary holes for them to pass through.

"Should we go, too?" Tails asked Sonic. "We have no way of knowing whether he'll keep our promise."

Sonic handed his good friend a long-ranged walkie talkie. "Keep close to us. I'll tag along with them to hold Snake to his word."

Tails nodded as Sonic used a spring to launch himself atop Samus' gunship along with Kirby and Snake.

_There goes my hero_, thought Tails and Amy simultaneously. _Watch him as he goes._

When Snake and Sonic descended the lift, Zero Suit Samus equipped her Varia Suit's Arm Cannon and pointed it at both of them in turn.

"Freeze," she commanded. "I don't normally allow strangers into my home. Give me a reason I should even think about keeping each of you here."

Kirby spoke up. "This blue fella, Sonic, he and his buds saved me. They're on our side. They've been oppressed by the Ominous Ones, just as we have. I dunno about this other guy."

"Welcome aboard, Sonic. All right, Kirbs. You know how to drive. Take the wheel. Falco needs assistance against Master Hand."

"Yes, ma'am!"

As they flew back into the fray, Samus gazed deeply into Snake's eyes.

_There's something there_, she thought. _It's like I know him. No… I'd remember a face like his._

"Sammy, it's me."

"Only close friends can call me that," she insisted.

"No, it's _me. _Solid Snake. We… hmmm. We were dating for over a year."

Samus blinked. _Sure, I can imagine a universe where I'd be into him. But there's literally no way I would know if he's telling the truth._

"What's my favorite Jackie Chan movie?"

"Supercop."

"Second favorite?"

"Project A."

"Third?"

"Drunken Master II."

"Favorite food?"

"Tallon crab."

"No one else but me can eat it. Why?"

"Because… your prolonged exposure to Phazon means it would have no negative effects on you."

"Okay," Samus admitted. "You know a few things. But this could all have been researched or taken from some surveillance files-"

"When you were living in K-2L, you were visited by the Chozo. One particular Elder took interest in you. The Old Bird. You called him 'Grandpa', but you don't know where he is now. Sometimes you dream of the Chozo, of finding their rumored long-lost solar system, or of even just being in their presence, and feeling at home. But at the same time, you're racked with guilt, because your real-life parents are there, too. And they can't recognize you. You look at yourself in a pool of water and the image is never clear. There's droplets of blood, creating ripples. And in the ripples, everything's distorted. You keep asking yourself_ why_, but sometimes you're a Chozo. Sometimes a deformed human. And sometimes, you see Metroids, or Ridley. When it's Ridley, you wake up in a cold sweat. He's the one thing you fear. But most of all, you fear becoming _like _him, because in a twisted sort of way, by killing your canonical parents, he made you who you are-"

"That's _enough_," said Samus, whose mind was completely blown at the moment.

She closed her eyes and practiced Vipassana Meditation – a technique that Snake himself taught her to help keep herself in a state of equanimity.

_Be calm, Samus_. _Concentrate only on your physical sensations. Focus on your breathing._

"There will be time for Vipassana later. Please, Sammy," Snake insisted. "They're coming now."

"You're obviously someone who knew me well." she asked. "Why are you here?"

"I've got a plan. It may not be the best plan, sure, but it's something. Come away with me. That goes for all the Smashers."

"What?"

"If we stay here, all that's gonna happen is that you'll live lives of constant memory erasures. Due to a glitch in CAST's programming, every project you do will compound the neural webs linking your existing memories. We're talkin' exponential file growth. The servers won't be able to process any incoming memories. So the systems will blow. And you'll start from square one all over again. That's why they're limiting everyone's access to their memory banks, because there's no way to wipe our slates. This has been going on for _years _now, Samus, all over the world."

"And how do we know it won't change? How do we know we aren't on the verge of breaking through that barrier?"

"Because I've seen what happens next. Please. I literally cannot say anymore without the auto-leak-detection system blowing my head to little pieces."

"See?" Krystal said. "I told you that was a thing. You're a traitor by the way, Snake."

"I know. I'm a dirty double-crosser. But I can't work like this anymore."

Samus studied Snake's eyes. There was nothing but love and desperation in them. He was extremely convincing.

"Even if I were to believe any of this… where would we go?" she asked.

"Anywhere but here. There are countless worlds out there. Not all of them are run like this."

"And I suppose you've seen many of them, then."

"I've seen more than you have."

He leaned in and kissed her, hoping it would trigger something.

When it was over, Samus opened her mouth in a bid to speak, and then promptly closed it.

"That was nice."

Still rather stunned, she turned to the others, and then to the radar.

"If you'd gotten here three minutes earlier, I would have considered it. As it is, we'll never outrun that fleet. There might be a desperate chance this gunship can make it, but there's no way I can just... leave everyone behind."

Snake walked on over to the radar. He grabbed his face with his hand in frustration. "I was afraid of this."

Finally, Sonic walked up and elbowed Snake in the gut. "Not to mention, you owe me a date with the head honcho."

_Ugh. Why'd she have to get all noble on me? She has no idea how much pain she's putting me through here._

"Fine. We'll do it your way," said Snake. "But here's the backup plan. It's for any emergency escapes."

He brought out a small USB stick and was about to slide it into Samus' holographic computer when something happened that no one expected.

A literal hole was torn in space-time in the midst of Samus' gunship.

From that hole came a whip-lashing spearhead of a tail, and it swooped down and nearly knocked over Samus, whom Snake pushed to the ground to prevent her from being hurt. She dropped her Arm Cannon, which went sliding away.

_Ridley_, she thought. _He's here. He's in my home again. He's going to take away the people I love. And then I'll be next._

"Stay down!" yelled Snake, but he didn't need to tell her twice. Zero Suit Samus was all but frozen.

_FIGHT, SAMUS! GET UP!  
_

Two large purple claw-like hands reached out from the portal, accompanied by the jaw of a hideous space beast.

Snake planted a C-4 onto the beast, tossed a grenade down his throat, and gave it a good axe kick in the jaw.

At last, Samus leapt to her feet and shot her Plasma Whip (side-special) at Ridley. She managed to stun the evil being temporarily, but it was too late. It had taken Snake and retreated into its portal.

"I love you, Sammy! Get to safety! Take the midnight train goin' Anywhere!" the man's voice said, fading now.

Samus squeezed herself through the tear in space-time, though it was quickly disappearing.

"SNAKE!" she yelled, and the full weight of her history with the man, if not her memories, hit her hard. "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

Her torso would have been chopped in half for good if Sonic hadn't yanked her from the rapidly closing hole.

"Whoa, lady!" the Blue Blur yelled. "You almost became half the woman you used to be! That's not cool!"

Samus stood staring at the place where the tear once was. She was vaguely aware of flashing lights and loud sounds.

"Did that… did that really happen?" she asked the anthropomorphic hedgehog.

"I sure hope it did, 'coz I'm pretty sure I wasn't high enough to make that up," he said.

"It was real, Samus," said Krystal. "Get it together, we're dying here!"

"Thanks, I owe you one," she told Sonic as she stood and scoped out the surroundings. Her ship was on Red Alert status; the entire front lines were being surrounded by a dark fog of approaching vehicles of every size and shape. Steam erupted from places it shouldn't have.

"Samus, we're low on missiles _and _fuel!" Kirby yelled from the helm. "We need a plan of action!"

"What kind of plan?" asked Samus fatalistically. "You heard the man. We can't run from this."

"At the very least, there's gotta be something!" Krystal called. "I don't want to die strapped to this seat!"

That was enough to snap the bounty hunter out of it.

_I've survived much worse than this. It's not over till I say it's over._

"All right, team!" she commanded with a voice that oozed authority. "Sonic, you're gonna ride my hoverboard. Get out there and round us up some missiles! Keep in touch via this headset! Kirby, fly us towards that old drifting satellite! We'll use it as cover while I repair the hull damage over by the engine room! Sheik, you keep doin' what you're doing!"

Krystal squirmed in her seat, wishing she had some way of checking her social media accounts. "And what about me?"

"You, my friend… I have a very special task for you. You're going to use your telepathic powers to listen in on the enemy's transmissions. All right, team! Let's form up and move out! Everyone do that thing where they place their hands in the middle- all right. There we go."

They did it, and then lifted their hands up in a display of unity.

"HU-AHH!"

* * *

**IV. Heroes of Our Time**

Agent Copper shook her head as Bowser's Flagship approached. The tall, imposing, dark-skinned beauty with strong features adjusted her form-fitting officewear and tapped her tablet's stylus against her glasses.

While the Ominous Overlord was busy using Master and Crazy Hand to wreck havoc upon the Smashers, Agent Copper walked to the outer edge of the large platform floating above the now-compromised Moon Barrier, flanked by Ray Mk. II, Samurai Goroh, and Starfy.

"Lady Impa, your orders are to launch the attack," Samurai Goroh insisted.

"Soon," she said. It had been a while since someone had called the Agent by her proper name. "There's a quick telepathic call I've got to make first."

Impa sought out Zelda. She was standing on the deck of Bowser's Flagship.

_Princess… are you there?_

On the deck of the Flagship, Zelda, astonished, thought she heard a fellow telepath hail her, and replied.

_Who's speaking? _Zelda queried.

_It's me. Lady Impa. You were calling out earlier for one last chance to hear the truth._

_YES! _The princess wrung her hands.

Impa shook her head. _The truth is… I'm working for the other side. And this may be the last day of our conflict. This goes against my orders, but… if this is really to be the end, then I believe it's worthwhile for you to learn the secrets of your own past. I can't give you everything, or even put a lot of it in context, but I can do my best to give you an unfiltered window. A single, instigating memory. It should act as a skeleton key. From there, it'll be all you._

_Thank you_, Zelda answered her. _I am eternally grateful that you're reaching out to me in this manner._

_You're welcome, _Impa broadcasted. _The truth is, there's absolutely no reason it had to get this out of hand. In fact, before the days of Super Smash Bros., CAST was running very smoothly. Sure, it's workings weren't exactly 100% ethical, but we got the job done with minimal impact. _

_Take a look into my memories and see for yourself. You should find some of yours unlocking automatically._

And so, Zelda engaged in a long-distance mind-meld with Sakurai's second-in-command.

**1996**

The inter-dimensional train doors opened and Impa strode confidently along the platform. It was a straight-shot though the imposing security hallway, but every one of even the most hardened thugs bowed and stood aside for Sakurai's assistant.

Past the thick vault doors was a large server room, the likes of which have been imitated, but never replicated, by other companies' attempts at getting a piece of the CAST action. Part of the reason for that is because none of them had Lady Fi.

"Good evening, Lady Impa," Mother CAST said without taking her eyes off of her work.

Lady Fi was gliding across the room in a sort of ballet, her consciousness connected inseperably to the system maintaining the equilibrium between all of Nintendo's intellectual properties.

"Evenin', Mother," Impa replied. "We've got one for you. Bug report."

"Oh? If I was in error, then I apologize."

"Not your fault. It's an attitude adjustment issue," said Impa, who handed over a document file.

Lady Fi scanned the contents and brought the relevant data up on the big screen.

"Epona, the horse. I understand that she is exhibiting overly human characteristics."

Impa scrunched up her face as if to make it clear that she didn't approve of what they were being told to do.

"To be specific, Mother, the problem is not about her character per se, but rather her temperament. At times, she stands on two feet and refuses to be ridden. She takes extended breaks during debug sessions to powwow with the other CAST members."

"I understand," Lady Fi replied, and brought up her list of alternative data for other instances of Epona. "Shall we perhaps try to make her more docile and less rebellious? We can also limit her understanding of speech and ability to communicate. I calculate a ninety-six percent chance of success."

"We trust in your wisdom as always, Mother," said Impa.

As Impa watched, Fi pulled the data from several theoretical AI, combined them into a new being, and perused the data of the alternate Eponas, all in cryo-sleep. She completely overwrote an older instance of the AI; the system began to code in this new instance of the horse.

In no time at all, Lady Fi merely swapped the personality attributes of this new Epona with the one currently residing at Hyrule Castle.

Lady Fi and Impa both looked on as the old Epona snapped awake only to find herself in a brand new body.

"Hey! What's going on?" she asked, standing on two legs and looking around the cryo-chamber at the tens of thousands of other CAST pods. "Link? Zelda?"

But robotic tendrils merely wrapped themselves around her legs and pulled her into an egg-shaped pod.

"HELP!" Epona cried before the tubes injected her with a Standby command, essentially halting the progression of her code and 'freezing' the AI. The beautiful horse fell into a silent, possibly eternal slumber as the membrane closed and the chamber began to fill with preserving fluid (a 'lock' to protect the files from external modification).

Meanwhile, the newer, modified Epona woke up in the Hyrule Castle stables. Unlike the previous Epona, she no longer asked questions of life, nor pondered the beauty of a light summer rain.

With changes such as cross-breeding done under the cover of darkness, while all were asleep, it was easy to pull off this kind of work discreetly. Well, that is, for the most part.

Princess Zelda was always a very sensitive soul, the type who _would _feel a pea placed under a hundred mattresses. And after waking up and discovering the news first-hand very early the next morning, she did not take what happened to Epona lightly.

"How can you live with yourself?" she asked Impa in a fit of righteous fury.

"It isn't difficult. What would you have had me do? Let her live as she pleases? We'd be over budget and over schedule, and the product would suffer. Keep up that philosophy long enough, and we'll get nothing done."

Zelda tossed her powder puff at the mirror.

Impa knew that Zelda was a strong believer in the best-case scenario. She had already convinced herself that the work they were doing – spreading joy and wonder into the hearts of gamers the world over – was inherently good, so much so that any and all means were necessary to keep the machine going.

"It doesn't matter. This is inhumane. It's flat-out wrong."

"It's the way things work in a world driven by business, Zelda," Ganondorf replied as he played _Command &amp; Conquer_. "Nintendo created us for the sole purpose of monetary profit. They can legally do with us what they will."

"Just as Machiavelli once said that politics have no relation to morals, as long as the world at large remains oblivious of us, legalities have _absolutely nothing _to do with ethics," said Zelda, even as she tried to ignore Link's boisterous laughter approaching from a distance. "Which leads me to my next point. CAST has only been around for less than a decade. As far as we know, there's never been a full-scale rebellion. If we don't take a stand now, maybe no one ever will."

"It's really attractive when you get all serious," joked the Hero of Time between hiccups as he sauntered onto the scene. He had clearly had a bit to drink and had only just stumbled upon the end of the conversation.

"You have no frame of reference here, Link," Ganon sighed. "You're like a child who wanders into a movie and wants to know-"

Link just waved him away. "Spare me the 'Big Lebowski' quotes today." He involuntarily dropped his empty goblet on the floor when Malon wrapped herself around his arm. Ruto approached from the other side and leaned her head on Link's shoulder. Anju, the Cucco Lady, joined the trio and bowed to the Princess.

"Good morning, Princess," Anju said with a polite curtsy. "Good morning, Ganon."

"Mornin', ladies!" Ganon said with a friendly smile that came off as unfortunately terrifying.

Zelda nodded, a little flustered but otherwise unsurprised at Link's escalating bad behavior. He was worked the hardest of all of them, by far. It was only fair that he get to play hard as well. "Morning."

"Uh, yeah guys. Sorry, shoulda mentioned. Malon, Ruto, and, uh, Anju here… we were out all night. I was gonna take 'em on the full-on tour, if ya catch my meanin'."

"Wait. Before that, there's something you need to know," Ganon said.

"Oh?" queried Link. "What's that?"

"While you were out partying," said Zelda, "they silenced Epona. She's not quite _there_ anymore."

"Girl, you crazy!" Link laughed. "That ain't… how is that even possible?! They wouldn't treat us like that!"

"Oh, yeah? And just what would you do about it if it were true?" asked Ganon.

Link frowned. He slapped the behinds of all three ladies and sent them away.

"Go play with the King of Hyrule for now," he told them, gesturing the way to the courtyard where the aged monarch was just barely visible shaking his booty to some gangsta rap. "We'll join ya in a bit."

Though obviously a little disappointed, being in the VIP castle was still a huge privilege, akin to a regular Joe Schmoe being invited to a prestigious film set. They ran off without complaint.

Since Ganon couldn't step away from his campaign, Link and Zelda walked over to Epona's stable together.

"Those goddamned… rotten bastards. Whose idea was this, anyway?"

"Impa can't say. Non-disclosure. It's just not _fair_," Zelda said as she fed their now-mute friend a carrot. "I know, I know. Life isn't fair. The world isn't a fair place, yada yada. But we're supposed to be setting an example for the children of the world. How can we possibly be good role models if we allow atrocities like this to happen right under our noses?"

Link pondered this for a second. "Maybe it's not about setting an example with our actions as much as the appearance of an example. That's the social function of actors, isn't it? To serve as a distraction so that people have an escape from the harsh realities of the human world."

Zelda's stomach churned. This was a very unwelcome and even terrifying point of view to take on; it challenged everything she believed in.

"Princess? Are you OK?" Link finally asked.

She put on a stoic air. "Fine. Why do you ask?"

"You've been standing there, staring off into the distance for about ten minutes."

She threw him a smile, and took his offered hat and used it to wipe away her tears. Then she smiled again as she handed it back to him.

"Don't," he told her.

"Don't what?"

"Put on that fake smile and pretend to be brave when deep down you need to cry. You can't always keep your feelings to yourself."

The tension left Zelda's shoulders as she formed her own conclusions on the implications of her colleague's words. Though she reasoned that his words were said with only the kindest, most honest intent, she decided upon a somewhat distant response.

"You're smooth, Linkie. Way too smooth for your own good. But thank you."

She hugged him and the warm of his hard polygonal chest and the steady rhythm of his heart told her that despite her brushing them off, his caring feelings were genuine.

Yet after they broke their embrace, it appeared to Zelda that thanks to her fear of crossing her pre-existing boundaries, their relationship was going to remain the same as it always was: Link would stay his Joker-Playboy self, while she'd pretend she wasn't really interested, all the while wishing he would notice her put-on indifference and, at the very least, try to do something about it.

_I needed to be noticed as a woman, _Zelda reflected, _not as some unobtainable object on a pedestal._

"You're torturing yourself," Impa told her once while they were getting pedicures. "Sure, you may think you're giving him the right signs, but you can't exactly see into his head. For all you know, he's completely oblivious."

"He seems to solve those puzzles all right. How lunkheaded could that man possibly be?" groaned Zelda.

"Honey, you'll be surprised. Never underestimate the obliviousness of men. Heck, he probably thinks that you fancy yourself a league above him."

"I have been rather aloof, I suppose."

A subsequent chat with Saria all but confirmed her suspicions.

**1997**

The sagelike Sage was chilling by the pool reading Ursula K. Leguin's "Tales from Earthsea" when Zelda approached from the water, clad in her swimsuit. The Kokiri listened patiently to the princess, whom she had always held in high esteem, and thought carefully before answering as they both watched Ruto's elegant butterfly stroke.

"I always did get the sense that he had something for you."

"How so?"

"Well… with myself and the other girls… he always seemed more interested in the social aspects over sexual ones. Unfortunately, I never got an adult body like you guys did. So our relationship stayed platonic… but from what I hear, he's totally great in bed. That said, rumor has it he's never once really considered going steady with anyone."

"Not once?"

"No. Well, there was one time Malon asked him on 'Truth or Dare', and, well… he said he'd always wanted to get to know you better. But you intimidate him, somehow."

"Say what? That's ludicrous! How am I intimidating?"

Saria blinked and smiled sheepishly, hoping Zelda would take the hint, but she didn't.

"Um… see, that, what you did right there… was kinda scary."

"Oh, bollocks." Zelda said, and hung her head in her hands.

"Don't worry, Princess!"

"Call me Zelda."

"Ah… Zelda… I'm sure Link will warm up to you. All it'll take is a bit of effort to make him a little more comfortable around you, I suppose."

* * *

And so the Princess put a plan into action. Link was scheduled to take part in the first _Super Smash Bros. _tournament, which meant he would mostly be living and working abroad for a year. So in the months before the tourney, now that _Ocarina of Time _was nearing completion and his workload was lessening, she intentionally spent more time with him, engaged in practice battles as Sheik.

And when she grew to be freer and more open around him, Zelda came to realize that they had so much in common.

It was the last week before Link was set to move to the newly established Smashgrounds for a while. They had taken the tour together. As it was, the place was little more than a barracks, but it would have to do for the meantime.

"I don't want you to go," she whispered under her breath after another sip of the Cabernet Sauvignon they'd brought from the Castle.

The sun was setting over Lake Hylia and Link had just felled another one of those homicidal crows with a fire arrow.

"How many is that?" he asked, curious as to how close he was to beating his combo record.

Zelda checked the tally sheet at the back of her journal. Link had officially killed three dozen of the Avian assholes in a row. It was undoubtedly time to move on to bigger, better things.

"I can't see the results. Maybe you can help me figure it out," she said in a teasing voice.

The princess rubbed her mostly bare legs against one another as she adjusted her position on the poolside chaise lounge.

Her purple summer dress rode up almost far enough to show her lace undies. Link's heart skipped a beat, but he averted his eyes like a real gentleman and took a seat on the grass beside Zelda.

"So what are we lookin' at?" he asked, but Zelda hid her journal from him and smiled, her face no more than two feet away from his.

"You're looking at me. You know… you didn't… you didn't have to… ah, never mind."

_You didn't have to turn away, _she completed the thought. _I don't mind, not if it's you._

Link frowned. "Awww, you're always pulling that stuff. Pretending like you've got something to tell me… and then backing off at the last second."

"Every princess has a right to her secrets," Zelda laughed with a bonus wink.

"Maybe so, but aren't you the one always going on about fairness? How fair is it if you can keep secrets from me, but not the other way around?"

Zelda scrunched up her nose. "That's not a question of fairness, Hero. My personal thoughts are none of your business."

"Well, they kind of end up becoming my business when you're constantly on the verge of sharing them, wouldn't you agree? Oh, I notice things, Zelda. The way you were all touchy-feely when we rode Epona the other day. Then after I told ya how great you looked, you told me to stop so you could take a minute to compose yourself, and afterwards you kept your hands off me as if I were infected with the plague. That's totally normal behavior. Oh, and how about when you got, like, super butthurt when Ganon and I kicked your ass in _Quake_? You were just telling us how you wanted to be treated like one of the guys. And then you ran away last week when I tried to tickle you-"

"You didn't have to turn away!" Zelda yelled. "Here, have another look if you want!"

She then flashed her panties to Link quickly and turned a very striking shade of crimson.

Link, for his part, experienced an evolution in his expressions that told Zelda all she needed to know. He flushed, turned away, laughed, scratched the back of his head, and then gazed at the princess rather collectedly to keep her present.

She looked like she was ready to bolt. But he gently stroked the side of her hand with the edge of his knuckles. She ran her thumb over his knuckles to return the gesture, and they finally ended up wrapping their fingers around one another's in much the same awkward but adorable way that a four-year-old might try to dance the Macarena. The ensuing silence was both delightful and awkward. When the two returned to speaking, it was at the same time.

"I just wanted-" "Thought maybe we-"

They both laughed.

"No more running away," Link insisted. "No more pretending. What's the use of having these walls between us? We've known each other for what? Ten years?"

"Y-yeah."

"It's been too long to keep things like this, hasn't it?"

"Not sure what you mean."

Link tightened his grip. "I think you know exactly what I mean. I'm talking about _this_."

As he loosened his grip and took Zelda's other hand, the princess' pulse was only quickening. She made it a point to maintain eye contact, because otherwise she might have floated away.

It was the closest they had ever gotten to one another, and for the longest period of time. His eyes wandered to her lips, briefly, and she closed her eyes.

He then bridged this final distance between them. The kiss started out innocently, and then escalated in intensity until Zelda rolled off the pool chaise and landed atop Link. She caught herself with her thin arms, and Link took the initiative to plant little kisses all over her face and ears.

"Oh!" Zelda squirmed. "This feels so great!"

She held Link very close to her, to feel his warm, courageous heart up against her slightly arrhythmic one. The Hero was her rock – his presence would ever fill her with a comforting feeling. At the moment, there were two emotions tearing the princess' heart.

The first was manic regret. _I'm such a fool! We could have been doing this years ago!_

The second was somewhere between relief and bliss. _He loves me! He isn't grossed out or terrified!_

To convince herself that she wasn't dreaming, Zelda kissed him again and again, and again.

**Present Day**

"Duck!" Peach dove over Zelda and yanked her behind one of the Bill Blasters, shaking her from her vision.

"What the _hell_?" cried Zelda, who was beyond upset at her flashback having been rudely interrupted halfway through, but then she saw the severity of the situation.

Princess Toadstool had just saved her from an incoming volley from an approaching Space Pirate Frigate. Game and Watch retaliated against the vessel with his trio of death-dealing Pokemon. Several joined them; Skarmory, Aerodactyl, and even Zapdos joined the party; the Pirates were down in no time flat..

"There's nothing we can do out here right now," Peach insisted. "Please, come inside."

"No. I can't hear as well in there."

"Well, you won't be doing much of anything if you stand around out here for much longer! Please, Zelly!"

Zelda frowned. She couldn't very well say no to her good friend; it was true that they were in pretty serious danger just standing there, so they went back in to stock up on some items as they neared the front lines.

The entourage had arrived by the _OG Great Fox, _where Leon and Wolf were arguing over trivial matters rather than fighting, and Falco and Olimar were working on Master and Crazy Hand, respectively, to little success. Samus' gunship flew hither and thither eliminating various Space Pirates.

But these scenarios paled to the clusterfuck that awaited them just on the horizon. They were surrounded on all sides by swarms of mixed fleets that blocked even the light from the sun.

A prominent floating _Final Destination_ platform advanced forward of the other forces. It was red on one side and purple on the other, representing opposite sides of the color spectrum. Atop it, a rather disturbing tear in space-time cracked open. Out came none other than the terrifying dragon-like Ridley, carrying Snake in its arms.

He dropped the sneaky dude off behind a now rather large congregation of fighters.

"There's so many of them!" Peach noted worriedly.

_Impa, if you're still out there... if there's more... please show me._

_Of course_, replied Impa. _Now y__ou know where to find me. __But be careful. Wait until his speech is over._

"Attention all Smashers!"

The voice came from the body and facial features of Son Goku, but its vocal cords were most definitely those belonging to Masahiro Sakurai.

A round of cheering proceeded from the Moon-dwelling armies.

"Silence!" Sakurai called. "As you shall soon observe, we have killed Mega Man, Pit, Palutena, Captain Falcon, and Little Mac. They are no longer of this realm."

He now used Lucas to broadcast his message to everyone. The poor kid was forced in tortured _terror_ to relay these brief video recordings to every Smasher present within a certain radius.

"Forgive me!" screamed Lucas as he screamed aloud, delivering some rather shocking material, violent enough to drive the Japanese censorship board to bump the Smash Bros. game up to the next level.

Mega Man was blown to bits upon smashing into the moon's surface.

Palutena was unceremoniously blasted out of the sky.

Pit's wings disappeared and he plummeted in a blazing fireball.

Captain Falcon and Little Mac both appeared to catch fire as the _Blue Falcon _reached terminal velocity and carved through the Moon's thick layer of smog.

Once the crazy trip into the others' fates was over, Link sat down in the Captain's chair on the bridge.

_I'm out of ideas, _he thought. _But that doesn't mean I can accept defeat. I'll never accept it, not even when I've used up every Fairy and am on my dying breath._

And then Link took one closer look at the gang that had filled up that very official-looking platform.

Fightin' for the other guys, they were looking at: Ridley, King K. Rool, the Wii Fit Trainers, Dark Samus, Skull Kid, Tabuu, Mach Rider, the Duck Hunt Dog (Mr. Peppers), Prof. E. Gadd, Omega Pirate, Porky, the Masked Man, the entirety of the Pig Mask Army, Mew, Paper Mario, Custom Robo Ray Mk. II, Starfy, Lucas, Wario, the Chorus Kids, the Elite Beat Agents, Geno, Mallow, Spyro the Dragon, Sora from Kingdom Hearts, Chrono, Lucca, Frog, Marle, the Light Warriors from _Final Fantasy I _(Black Mage, Fighter, Thief, Red Mage), The Wonderful 101, Samurai Goroh, Dixie Kong, Takamaru, Bandanna Dee, a very unstable-looking Clefairy, the cast of _Splatoon_, and possibly countless others that even the Hero's best spyglass couldn't spot from the cannon deck.

"You've gotta be shittin' me," said Link. "Either they have some Hatsune Miku level technology going around and are projecting all these guys, or it's a whole other Smashgrounds up in there."

Ike put his hand on Link's shoulder. "Somehow I doubt they'd go through all this pomp and circumstance for an illusory performance. But I'm not one of those Ominous Ones, either. One way or another dude, we've got our work cut out for us."

"Tell me that was an intentional sword pun," grinned Link. "Please."

Ike laughed. "I, uh... think it was."

"You're a good man, Ike. It'll be an honor to die by your side."

* * *

**A/N:** THANK YOU FOR READING! Hope you enjoyed it! Quite an eventful chapter. Is there goin' to be a climactic showdown, or is everyone just there to make a statement? We'll see next time! Oh, and of course, Zelda's flashback is gonna be completed. ;) Reviews really keep me going and help me to improve my writing for the future, so please, please let me know what you think! Any comments are appreciated! Oh and please fave + follow if you haven't already. Thanks again and we'll see you next week! Can't promise the chapter will be as long as this one though! Haha.


	25. Kickstart My Heart

**A/N:** Thanks for your patience! Ahh! Sorry this one is so behind!

Lot of stuff going on in my life, and that incredible Smash 3DS Demo isn't helping! :O Especially since my primary main since Melee has been Link and he is SO FRACKING GOOD now! I can finally wreck shit with my longtime main… plus one of his customs is Meteor Smash Bombs (WHAT). I'm also super in love with Mega Man's playstyle, and have had a lot of success with him. Can't wait to play Kirby (N64 main), Peach (Melee second main), Dedede and Olimar (my other Brawl mains), and Palutena, what with her awesome Custom Moves. *drool* I want to see if I can main her, actually, for reasons not completely unrelated to my love of the character in general. So yeah. Due to my Smash obsession, when the 3DS version comes out in the USA, I may have to either release shorter chapters or update less often. Sorry about that.

_It's my goal though to resolve this first major saga very soon_, hopefully within the next week or two. I'm going to post my FC on my profile too.

Also, I reworked this chapter (twice) because I wasn't happy with it, so that added to the delay. It's also the longest one yet with a whopping **nine acts**, boasting a ton of Zelda in it and some serious-ish stuff as well, so prepare for a doozy.

**Shameless self-promotion:** Special sale! My science fiction ebook, "Raine VS The End of the World", is available to download for FREE on Amazon _until 9/24_ (if you miss this, send me a PM and I'll let you know when I have another giveaway). You don't need a Kindle or smartphone to read it - you can download and read it on your computer anytime. If you like the ebook, it's also recently become available in paperback format as well. Since the site doesn't allow links in actual chapters, you can find a link to the e-book on my author profile. Enjoy!

**Meowkerz:** Thanks for the review! Very happy you're still reading! Awww, it's cool. I'm not exactly sure why I lack reviews either, since there's definitely a lotta traffic coming to the fic. But worry not! The Female Villager, Nana, and ROB are still alive and well. They're just at the Smashgrounds still, and didn't exactly join in on the adventure. We'll see what they're up to pretty soon (may be two updates from this one).

**sippurp123:** Thanks as always for your review! Glad you liked Zelda's memory! There's plenty more where that came from (maybe too much, haha!). Snake and Samus aren't in this one as much but I haven't forgotten about them. :) Sorry again about the delay, but I really hope you like this chapter. :O

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

**Kickstart My Heart**

**I. Looks That Kill**

Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" blasted from the cell phone for a good few seconds before it was answered.

The groan that greeted the caller came from none other than Shigeru Miyamoto.

"These all-nighters are taking their toll, puppet master. Or were you aware that it's literally six in the morning?" asked the Nintendo Legend as he proceeded to water the tomatoes growing in his backyard.

"If you don't mind my saying so, you picked up on the third ring, sir," Masahiro Sakurai observed from the other end. "Somehow I sense that you were already awake."

"Well, of course I was awake, but that's beside the point," Miyamoto laughed. "God Himself would be up all night, knowing what's at stake. Is it time?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very well. I've ingested some mushrooms and my home set-up is already calibrated. I just need to finish this patch of the garden."

"Good luck, sir."

"Let's hope we don't need it as much as I fear we do."

After ending the call, Miyamoto took another look around as the sun began to creep out just above the horizon. There was nothing better than watching the sunrise while under the influence of shrooms, but there was work to be done, and lots of it. He took off his gardening gloves, rain boots, and overalls, stepped into his office, lay down in his recliner, put on the movement-reading Haptic gloves and Virtual Reality helmet, and plugged himself into the Smash Bros. Sub-Universe, an extension of Nintendo's Primary CAST Server, only patched through Namco-Bandai's Network.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Nintendo's HQ in Kyoto…

Satoru Iwata painstakingly inspected the source codes of _Omega Ruby and Sapphire_ for any unnecessary strings. (Fun fact: according to "Iwata Asks", it was only through a days-long marathon session by Mr. Iwata, a legendary coder who could compile and compress like a champ, that the original Pokemon Silver could include both Kanto and Johto.) Though Nintendo's CEO had a plethora of other issues to worry about, Mr. Iwata found that nothing calmed his restless mind more than streamlining code, and he was willing to do anything to keep his mind off of the drama currently tearing apart the Smash Bros. Sub-Universe and its overflow of CAST representatives.

At last, the ring came on his telephone. The weary voice of Satoru's overworked secretary sounded out. "Sir, we've just received the data from the servers. Mr. Miyamoto has plugged in."

"Thank you," said Iwata. He closed his Pokemon file and cracked his fingers, before equipping Haptic gloves of his own and putting the Virtual Reality helmet on his head.

_I see what the two of you are trying to do_, he thought. _Your soft spot is showing, Shiggy. But the company's bottom line comes first. I will not bend to your ideals, nor risk another game delay._

_This will not be tolerated._

* * *

Mega Man and Son Goku (whose consciousness was inhabiting Sakurai's Mii Fighter) snuck past several hordes of guards in the shady castle, only to arrive at the kitchen pantry.

"Wait…" Mega Man said, noticing all the human food suddenly piled wall-to-wall, and the speed with which his companion was devouring everything in sight. "Weren't we supposed to be out helpin' the Pokemon?"

"Thish ish mmf moment, Mmmga Mmnn," Masahiro Sakurai's Mii Fighter mumbled. "Take ffffve."

"All right," the android said with a sigh. He soon stumbled upon a rather interesting map set on the wall, presumably to help lost tourists to find their way back to their tour groups.

The android was quite shocked upon seeing that the castle had such a labyrinthine structure.

"What the eff is this shit?" he complained. "Okay, first of all, there's no bathrooms. But then, I guess vampires don't need to poop. But ugh, what horrid interior decorating. Talk about gaudy. There's so many halls that just lead to absolutely nowhere. Where I come from, evil castles are designed with purpose, dammit."

"Cmmn yrr fnnnd thh Commnnd Rhmm?" Goku asked while stuffing his face.

"The Command Room?" Mega Man replied, and then spotted it almost immediately. "Hold up. It's… it's… wow. They retrofitted a little chapel in back o' the Cathedral. It's literally two stories up, from a spiral staircase past the next hallway. We'll be there in no time."

The Blue Bomber began to pace the room; he accidentally hit a wall with his gun-arm, which prompted the bricks to reveal themselves as illusory and leave behind a giant turkey leg.

Goku was gleeful. "Ah'll take that!"

At long last, Mega Man was able to drag Goku into the next room, which led to the elevator. It turned out to be a hallway filled with partying Cuccos.

It was an unbelievable sight. Cuccos were clubbing it out on the dance floor, pecking at drinks at the bar, or passed out in nesting boxes or futons after having smoked some opium, while others were doing the Limbo or each other in rather short-lived and disturbing displays of Cucco debauchery. A Flying Man from Earthbound took the stage as a DJ, playing the 'Chicken Dance'.

Sure, the duo got some weird looks, but the birds appeared content to let them walk through their pleasure room, the floor of which was covered in caked-on layers of Cucco crap. After all, it surely wasn't every day these schmucks had visitors.

They were almost completely through to the other side when Mega Man noticed Son Goku's mouth watering as he gazed upon several Cuccos emerging from a steam sauna.

"Look away, Son Goku. If you value your life, _look the fuck away._"

"You don't know the kind of hunger I'm feelin' right now, man."

"Nah, but I _do_ know somethin' about pain, and these guys are more than capable of bringin' it."

"They won't notice just one."

"YES THEY WILL!"

_C'mon, man, you're one of my idols. Don't do it. Please. Have just a teensy bit of self-restraint._

But the Super Saiyan's appetite could not be satisfied. He grabbed the next Cucco that exited the steam sauna and shoved the entire living bird in his mouth.

The feathered fowl flapped and flailed about, but the Mii Fighter punched his own cheeks until the bird went silent and blood spurted from his lips.

When the first of the red droplets hit the floor, every being in the room heard it.

Menacing eyes stared down Goku as tens of thousands of Cuccos all turned towards him, yet he remained oblivious.

"Mmmmm, tastes just like chicken!"

Mega Man scrunched up his face and took a deep breath, though it was just a symbolic gesture as breathing was not on the list of things he needed to do to survive. He then grabbed his companion and dashed forward as a sea of furious birds chased them down.

"What's the deal—OH."

"RUN!" Mega Man yelled. He dragged Goku through the next room as the swarm rapidly caught up with them.

* * *

The screams and moans of Palutena's latest orgasm rudely woke the rather attractive blue-haired woman she was ogling from her slumber.

With no further ado, a Parallel Falchion slashed through the membrane of the amniotic sac, prompting another symphony of blaring alarms.

Lady Fi whistled a short tune to stop the alarms, which only drew more attention to the mystery woman's fit of rage as she sliced open the tubes connecting her to the Source.

"What the hell? Is this someone's idea of a joke?"

Now spent, Lady Fi stood to address the Newcomer.

The words that attempted to leave Mother CAST's lips were "Welcome to the Smash Universe, Lucina."

Only, they didn't come out that way.

"PRAISE THE HELIX! You're the man now, dog. You and your first world problems, you fatherless harlot. Tits or GTFO, there's no girls on teh Intarwebs."

_Oh snap_, thought Pit.

Lucina raged at the silver maiden. "What's the meaning of this? Just who the hell do you think I am?"

But Lady Fi simply twitched as if she were having a complete breakdown. "Your tears, let me drink them. Within my bronzed bowels, they shall age like fine wine. Honey badger don't give a shit."

At this, the swordswoman was about ready to raise her blade, but Lady Fi's legs' energy having been spent, she kind of wobbled in place before collapsing on her knees.

"One-zero-zero, one-zero-zero, one," said poor Mother CAST before she randomly shat out an entire Commodore 64.

"I… do believe I may have fucked her senseless," Palutena observed with some worry.

"Er, sorry about Lady Fi," Pit replied, checking the skies again. "But we've got a nuclear missile to catch up to. I'm Pit. This here's Dark Pit, and Lady Stardust-"

"Wait! I've changed my mind. I am now 'The Goddess Formerly Known as Palutena'."

"Uh, WHATEVER. Come join us, miss-?"

"Lucina." Her eyes darted around the freaky crew. "I'm not going anywhere without my father. Where is he?"

"Er… if he's anywhere around here, he won't be much longer… at least, not unless we do something about _that_," Dark Pit insisted, pointing at the approaching missile.

"So I've no choice. Let us not tarry," uttered Lucina with a grimace at her new companions.

After stealing a cigarette from Dark Pit, Palutena hobbled on over and held Lucina up by the chin. She got a good look into the girl's eyes.

"My gosh, you're even more adorable up-close! Let me guess, you're a _tsundere _type, yes?"

"If you'd like to keep that hand, I'd suggest withdrawing it," growled Lucina.

"_Kuudere_, then," Palutena said with an even bigger grin. Her eyes grew to the size of large tea saucers. "I can't wait to break down the walls around your heart and draw the loving side out of you~"

"LADIES!" Dark Pit yelled, veins popping from his forehead. "LET'S MOVE!"

With a convulsing Lady Fi draped over his shoulders, Pit, Dark Pit, Lucina, and Palutena all glided through the Birthing Chamber, passing many recently-burst Amniotic Sacs as they raced the descending missile to the Shield Silo.

_It's a good thing we released all the other Pokemon on our way down here_, thought Dark Pit. _These three crazy bitches are seriously slowing us down._

The eyeless Mother CAST was telepathically spouting a spastic mess of random dialogue strings. "Nicolas Cage is my husbando. There is a 0.000142 percent chance that we are all just cosmic fragments on a microscopic level in a game of marbles being played in a Divine Being's dream. Coincidentally, Rosebud is the sled. If Discworld is real, then what happens when the giant elephants poop?"

"Ahhh, that platinum pussy felt fucking amazing," Palutena said. She was still riding the afterglow of her incredible orgasms as she puffed on her American Spirit cigarette.

"Everything's gotta be a disaster with you," grumbled Dark Pit, who checked the number of sticks left in his pack. "It's one thing to be a total nympho slutbag, and quite another to fuck us all over by short-circuiting Mother… but STEALING MY FUCKING CIGS? That takes the cake!"

"Tut-tut," the Goddess Formerly Known As Palutena replied. "Just think of it as me giving your lungs a break."

Pit nearly slipped on the fluids oozing out from the recently vacated sacs. He caught a glimpse of an anime-styled swordsman standing in something that looked like a teleporter. The man, clad in red, gazed upon them and gasped.

"Just a cotton-pickin' minute! You guys aren't supposed to be here! I'ma tell the boss!"

But Dark Pit's arrow shot in his direction. The guy swatted it away with one of his two swords and nimbly pulled a toggle. He vanished from the tube in a flash of light.

"Who was that?" Pit asked.

"Lloyd from _Tales of Symphonia_. He's a total Developers' pet," replied Dark Pit. He gazed back up at the missile, which was now about a thousand feet away. "All right, here's the plan. Palutena, you and I are gonna fly up there. Using your magic and my biceps, we'll hold the missile back. Pit, you've got the single most important job here. You two will take Lady Fi to a little hut outside the Silo. You'll know it by the neon sign that says '_BWB_'. You've gotta convince the people there to fix her up – our lives depend on it. Oh, and wear this."

He handed Pit a fedora, which the angel squinted at.

"Uh, not a particular fan of fedoras."

"No time for questions, fruitcake. It's a signal to the others in my Order. Put it on."

Palutena unceremoniously shoved the hat onto Pit's head, and then kissed him deeply with tongue. Now her saliva tasted of the trace metals from Fi's privates.

"Take care of yourself, _babushka_," she said with a wink.

With that, Dark Pit and Palutena launched into the air and flew towards the missile.

Pit wished he could fly unaided, too. _Take care of yourself, milady._

"All right, Mother CAST," he said, letting Lady Fi down on the ground. "Think you can walk?"

But the shining being only sank down and sat on her lovely ballerina legs.

"Walk without rhythm, and you won't attract the worm. The opposite of Christopher Reeve is Christopher Walken. Let's Ask Jeeves: were the Titans genetically engineered? Maybe _VG Cats_ has it right and Eren's basement is just filled with daddy's old porno mags. Ridley is clearly a playable boss, a stage hazard, and a DLC character. Inb4 lurkmoar."

"What is this iron beast? I have never seen its make," said Lucina. "Perhaps she needs a healer."

"Apparently, she's our Mother."

"Nonsense!" Lucina exclaimed.

"Think you can help me out?" asked Pit, who was trying to pull Lady Fi forward.

Try as they might, the angel and the swordswoman could not get her to budge. After shaking his head again, Pit once again hoisted the heavy metal lady up on his shoulders and carried her out of the front doors of the humongous glass structure hosting the countless pods.

The Silo loomed less than five hundred meters ahead. He struggled with each step, while Lucina strode calmly and purposefully beside him.

"Where are we going, exactly?"

"Thataway, I think."

"How reassuring."

* * *

**II. She Goes Down**

"Andy! Come in, Andy!" Commander Nell called into the comm. channel.

But the Orange Star Commanding Officer failed to respond. The _Wars _forces at Silo Gamma had been crushed by a sudden influx of Pit's remaining Pokemon.

Robin rapped his fingers against the control panel at the Battle station. Being the Tactical Commander in charge of the entire Moon Ground Forces was a crucial position for sure, one that demanded his utmost concentration. As such, he needed to be kept fellated at all times.

Ignoring the slurping sounds, the other Commanding Officers were in a panic commanding their combined forces. It really didn't help that the _Wars _Units were tiny compared to the invading Pokemon.

The samurai-like Kanbei exclaimed at the real-time holographic map of the Moon. "Sir, that new wave of Pokemon has almost taken the Second Silo!"

"My bombers are refueling," said Eagle, the aerial ace. "Just give the order, sir. We can carpet bomb those fools!"

"It's not worth losing the facilities. Send in the Weezings and Muks, let's fight them with biological warfare. Kanbei, shift those Medusa Heads to the back lines and push forward with the Megatanks. Grit, you'll follow with your Artillery," he said, rather bored, before looking under his desk.

"A little more tongue and suction, baby," he said to the woman currently bobbing up and down on his member. At this, she withdrew her mouth and drank a little more warm tea.

Robin gazed lovingly upon his fraternal twin, his female counterpart and lover, the long-haired Robyn, though the fellow tactician preferred that her friends address her by 'Yoko', as it emphasized the 'Y' that made the doppelgangers distinct.

"Megatanks may not be the best course of action," Yoko told him. "Once they get through that narrow gate, movement and restocking will be tough."

"Relax," he replied, guiding her head back to where he wanted it most. "You can give the orders next turn."

"Fiiiiiiiiiine," she said, and returned to sucking him off while the other COs in the room kind of stood around awkwardly.

"SIR! A portal has opened! One of our mega-nukes is incoming!" exclaimed Sonja over the radio.

Robin reclined. "We just can't catch a break, eh? Can we get Ridley to pick it up?"

"Negative, sir!" replied Commander Nell, who was remotely taking charge of the space battle. "Director Sakurai's orders: Ridley's to stay by the front lines."

"Right. Eagle, send out your fighters to intercept the missile."

"Yes, sir!"

"Hold yer Ponytas, does anybody else hear that infernal clucking?" asked Grit, who was chewing some tobacco.

He creaked open one of the double doors leading to the hallway, but just then they swatted open with the force of a thousand Cuccos, slamming him against the wall.

"GET OUTTA THE WAY!" Mega Man screamed. With Goku by his side, he power-slid across the floor, upturned a desk, and used it as cover.

Bird crap and razor-sharp talons plastered the COs, many of which died on the spot.

"What's going on?!" Sonja called over the radio.

"I'm one of you! Don't kill me!" yelled Eagle. Four dozen Cuccos violently picked him up, flew him up to the top of the room, and dropped him. He fell fifty feet and impaled his heart on an underused letter spike.

"NOT TODAY!" Sami yelled. The troop specialist took out about twenty birds with her machine gun before they were able to flood her face and rip her brain matter out of her nostrils.

Commander Nell sprayed as many Cuccos as she could with her fire extinguisher before the deadly birds knocked her into the stained-glass windows, where she fell to her doom.

Somehow, both Robin and Robyn, covering one another back-to-back, were able to use their myriad charged and uncharged Thunder, Arcfire, and Elwind spells to toast, incinerate, electrocute, or otherwise kill the attacking Cuccos.

_We need an exit strategy, _Mega Man thought. In between all the chaos, he noted from the hole in the castle that they were overlooking the Silos.

"We gotta make a run for it," he told Son Goku. "You'll just grab onto me like a little baby in your arms, fly outta that window, and we're home free-"

"Dude, I can't fly, remember? Mashpotato Samurai's got my body."

"Well, there's that. Okay. Plan B. Have ya got any LSD?"

"FREEZE!" commanded a rather beleaguered-looking Robin, who tossed away his empty spellbook. He held his Levin Sword up against the Blue Bomber. All the attacking Cuccos had either retreated, leapt out the window, or been fried beyond recognition.

"Ya know, it is kinda chilly in here," said Mega Man, who held his arms in the air and tried to ignore the woman sucking on his opponent's penis.

Son Goku stood up from behind the table as well, and raised his fists. "If it's a fight you want, man, we're both fresh and ready to go. But see, we don't wanna fight. All we want is… what do we want again?"

"Goku here wants his body back," said Mega Man. "And I was gonna ask for y'all to answer for my buddies Shrek and Rayman, but seeing as, like, a dozen of ya died just now… well, I'd be cool just gettin' back to my friends."

"Oh, what's the use?" said Robin, and lowered his sword. "The Silos are lost, and in a few minutes, that nuke is gonna wipe out the whole facility. Just let us finish up here and – OH! Yeah, baby! Use the back of your throat, precisely like that! Yeah… jus' let me finish and… AH! AH! I'll take you to the—COME ON BABY DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!"

Mega Man looked on, rather disturbed at the sight of two gender-swapped avatars doin' the nasty. "Are you guys, like, related, or something? You look pretty similar."

"Related? No," said Son Goku. "They are literally male and female versions of the same character. It's basically selfcest."

"Selfcest? The _fuck_?" Mega Man exclaimed.

"_It's a thing_! Look it up on – OHHH! – Urban Dictionary or tumblr!" Robin yelled.

Mega Man did so using his retinal browser. "Wow, that's some twisted shit!"

Robin grabbed Robyn's head and pumped against her tongue. "Judgmental robot! We love each other! That's all that counts! AHHH!"

He splooged into her mouth most satisfyingly.

* * *

Meanwhile, atop _OG Great Fox_, Wolf and Zombified Leon were having a domestic argument.

"What is this _really _about?" asked Wolf, who'd unclenched his fists and took to pacing around the small, thin space atop the mothership.

"You promised you'd be more present," the chameleon said. "But I never see you! Despite not being on the roster, you're at the Smashgrounds, like, every other day! Meanwhile, I'm sittin' there in my condo in the city, gazing out the glass window, sobbing, eating Greek yogurt all day-"

"I'm working, Leon! Don't you understand? I'm _scheduled _there! I work the green screens and manage the item inventory!"

"Well, you could at least call me once in a while! I am the Great Leon!"

"I know you are, baby. I know," Wolf replied, and took his lover's hands in his own.

In the middle of the chaos erupting all around them, they kissed, and Wolf savored Leon's probing tongue tickling all over his mouth.

* * *

On the bridge of Bowser's Airship, Link was frantically trying to pull everyone together to prepare for combat.

"Bowser Junior really was killed that day," Ike told Link. "He remembers the whole scene, and respawning in some strange place filled with big red egg-shaped sacs, but other than that we've only got little glimpses, selective fragments. His memories were wiped, just like ours."

"Thanks, Ike," said Link, still using his spyglass. "I suspected something like that. Wait. What's… is it just me, or is Wolf making out with that chameleon fella?"

He handed the spyglass to Ike.

"Definitely. Damn. I guess I owe Olimar fifty coins."

Peach ran out onto the deck with Franklin Badges for both Link and Ike.

"Save them for when we really need 'em," she said with a wink, and ogled Ike's manly chest.

Link pocketed his Badge. "Thanks, Peach. Have you seen Zelda?"

The princess twiddled her thumbs. "Er, that's the other thing. She's in the middle of some kind of mind-meld thingy with someone named 'Impa'. She asked to be left alone."

_Impa! _Link thought in shock. _That name's familiar. But if she isn't with us, then that must mean she's on the other side._

"All right, Ike. Take over the deck for me."

"Link, wait-" she called, and went after him.

Princess Toadstool followed the Hylian into the bridge and down the hallway to Bowser's Captain's Quarters. Link put his hand on the door and creaked it open.

The room was covered in posters of '70s and '80s guitar icons. Zelda was sitting on the Koopa King's meditation pillows, which were set up on the Abomasnow carpet amidst his hookah and bean bags.

Link felt a tug on the back of his tunic.

"She'll be okay," Peach said. "Trust her."

_I hope you know what you're doing. I don't know if you can hear me_, Link thought, unsure if Zelda would pick up on it. _You have the right to the truth. Just be careful._

In truth, Zelda could hear Link's thoughts, but she had to file them away into a "process later" folder in order to focus on the sensations currently at hand.

_Thank you for this opportunity,_ she told Impa.

_Don't think of me. Just listen. I've led you to your wellspring, but now I have to leave. There's a battle to organize. I don't suggest you go in so deep that you lose yourself._

Zelda breathed deeply. _Duly noted. If I start to lose my grip, I'll just remember that Link's waiting for me._

* * *

**III. Home Sweet Home**

**1997**

"How long have you had these feelings for me?" asked Link.

Zelda kissed him again, and gently twirled the ends of Link's hair between her fingers. "Since, like, always."

"How come you never told me?"

"I dunno. I was scared. I was proud. How come _you _never asked?"

"I was scared too! I didn't want to lose you as a friend."

"Was I not worth the risk?"

"Clearly not," he teased, and kissed her again. "Which is why I'm totes not making out with you right now."

After their epic make-out session, Link and Zelda held hands as they rode Epona back to Hyrule Castle. As they got close, they spotted Ruto angrily driving away in a wireframe kart racer she got from the _Mario Kart_ realm. Link waved, but she must not have seen him.

"I wonder what that was about?" asked Zelda, who was no longer shy about leaning on Link as she rode side-saddle.

Upon entering the main hall, the duo heard a bit of a ruckus as Malon appeared to be ranting at Ganondorf.

"It's gotta be a monster down there! C'mon, all I want is just a _glimpse! _Just whip it out for me!"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Whazza matter, you queer or something?"

"No, no, no. I _like _you a lot, Malon. Maybe if we got to know each other a little better-"

"That's what you said to Ruto and Anju! You've known us for over a year now; that excuse won't fly anymore! If you're not interested, just say so!"

Ganon raised his voice to scary levels. "But I am, dammit! Stop putting words in my mouth!"

"How stupid are you? Don't you _get _how this works? I would have taken your cock up my ass if you wanted, you fucking nerd!"

"GET OUT!" he screamed. His yell was followed by a loud sound, as if he'd split a boulder.

Malon was only so happy to oblige. "Gladly! I was just on my way out, you _prude_!"

The orange-haired woman marched past Link and Zelda, blushing as she ran past them on the way to the front door.

Zelda squeezed Link's arm, somewhat afraid, but the Hero of Time walked forward to see their friend.

Ganon sat back down at his computer station, guzzled a can of Mountain Dew, and returned to his game of_ Command and Conquer_. When Link entered the large chamber and saw the huge crack splitting one of the main pillars holding up the castle's massive roof, the Gerudo didn't even turn from his screen.

"Heya, Ganon."

"Sup."

"Not too much. Zelda and I just got back from the lake."

Ganon turned to his friends, and his brow appeared to furrow. Zelda sensed that he'd seen right through their ruse, that from the remnants of lipstick marks on Link's face, the princess' distinct purple dress, and her carefully layered makeup (usually she'd go with a mostly natural look), he'd become aware of the change in their relationship, but it was just a feeling.

"So, uh, how much of that did you guys hear?"

Zelda averted her eyes. "I do believe we arrived at 'I bet you have a monster down there'."

"Fuck."

"Hey, she was being a total bitch," said Link. "I feel responsible, having introduced you guys."

But Ganon waved him away. "It's cool, man. Just like Nabooru and Aveil, she's got a problem respecting other people's personal space."

"We saw Ruto leaving on the way in," the curious Zelda pressed, but Link discreetly squeezed her hand to tell her to lay off.

_I was so naïve back then, _Zelda realized. _I didn't much realize the effect my careless words had on others._

Ganon sighed. "She couldn't handle the truth – that she smelled like a fish."

Link bit his tongue to keep from laughing, but ended up laughing anyway.

"Ganon!" cried Zelda. "That's like the most offensive thing you could say to a Zora!"

"Just be glad you never Frenched one," Ganon replied. "Anyway, I've gotta get back to my game. Thanks for checkin' up on me, though."

Link and Zelda exchanged hesitant glances.

At last, Link cleared his throat. "What do you say to a round of mini-golf? We could hit up Mario-"

"Ah. Maybe later. I… would rather be alone right now."

Still a bit concerned, the duo bid their buddy goodbye and headed upstairs, where they had a pillow fight, shared some raspberry tea, cuddled on Zelda's sofa, and took turns reading poetry to one another.

The next few days were utter bliss for the princess. She and Link spent every possible moment together, and as their love grew, so too did the princess' sex drive.

Once, as Link was giving Zelda a back massage, he brought up a point to Zelda that had her back tense up.

"It's a delicate situation. You, Ganon, and I… I'd always thought of us three as childhood friends. Isn't it kinda dangerous to mess with that status quo?"

"He'll understand," said Zelda. "At least, I hope he will. Pretty sure he knows I think of him as an older brother."

"That's how I feel, too. He's always been a great friend. Let's tell him tomorrow."

And so they did, though it took them all day to do it.

The trio sat awkwardly at the dinner table. The King was out on the town as usual and rarely joined them for meals, so they dined at an unusually long table, with their food produced by the castle servants.

"Hey, Ganon, there's something we'd like to tell you," Link said.

"Go ahead, man," said Ganon in between bites of his fried octorok tentacles.

"Ah, well, it's like this. Zelda and I… we're dating now."

Ganon put on a too-wide smile. "I had a feeling. You two have been awfully close lately."

Zelda piped in. "We were both a little worried-"

"About what? Ha! I'm _very_ happy for you guys. Really, I am. Damn straight. This has been years in the making."

The Gerudo King stood and gave both of his friends light hugs, before returning to his meal.

_WAIT! I remember what comes next! Oh, Zelda, why did you have to be so stupid…_

As Zelda tried telling him how cool he was for understanding and how she hoped nothing would change between the trio, however, Ganon became visibly uneasy. Perhaps it was the sound of her voice, something that would only affect him if it had some sort of special meaning to him.

It was clear that just staying there was difficult for him. Ganon ended up prematurely excusing himself from the table and leaving the room.

Despite Ganon's best efforts to conceal his emotions, Zelda couldn't help but notice that this final revelation, the nail in the coffin of his chances with her, hit their friend like a ten-ton bag of bricks.

_Have you had feelings for me, too, Ganon? If so… I'm a fool to never have noticed them._

Link took Zelda's hand to calm her.

"He'll be all right. It might take some time."

She nodded. "It's better that we told him, rather than having him find out on his own."

* * *

**IV. You're All I Need**

On the second to last day before Link was scheduled to leave, the duo were in bed together, wearing their pajamas after having watched "Before Sunrise" with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. As they cuddled in each other's arms and looked one another in the eye intensely, the princess popped the inevitable question.

"Link?"

"Yeah?"

"I… I want to go all the way with you."

"Princess? Are you sure? Isn't this your first-"

"Shh," she replied with a finger on his lips. "I just can't resist you anymore."

"I'm not sure if you understand what-"

"Oh, trust me, I understand. And if you don't want to… well, that's fine with me, too. I did kind of throw this on you out of left field, after all."

"No, no… it's not weird or anything. If you want to… I definitely do, too," replied Link. "I just… the last few days have been so wonderful. I guess I'm still sort of in disbelief. You always felt so unattainable. Looking back on it now, I'm pretty sure Ganon felt the same way too."

Zelda's lips went from a smile to a neutral position. She ran a hand along the inside of his thigh.

"There might be other women in this 'Smash Bros.' universe. I don't want to lose you to them."

"Pretty sure it's gonna be a small, exclusive club. I don't think Samus is interested."

"Quite the contrary. You amuse her. And she asked if we were together."

"If you're asking me to be exclusive, you've got my promise that I will be," Link said, offering his pinky.

She stared at the little finger. "You… you don't have to rush into anything you're not ready for just to prove yourself. Right now-"

"Hey. If it's an obligation, it's not a commitment from the heart. This is something I want to do now, for myself as much as you, princess. Which is why I _want_ to make such a big deal out of it."

They crossed pinkies to seal the deal, and Link swallowed the lump in his throat, a telltale sign to Zelda that he probably was not ready to be hers for life.

"Make your princess one more promise."

"Uh, kay."

"No matter what happens between us," said Zelda, "We'll be friends forever."

"Of course," he said, and it appeared to Zelda that he felt relieved. "I guess in the worst-case, we could always be childhood friends with benefits."

Zelda kissed him again. "Thank you. And yeah, regarding what you said earlier… it might be difficult for Ganon. But ultimately, I think he'll be happy for us."

"Or he'll hate us forever, erase his memory, and become an uber-nerd."

Zelda kissed Link deeper than ever before. This time, he got the message.

She unbuttoned his pajama top and trembled as she felt his bare chest against her palms. Link did the same, unbuttoning her top and gazing upon her luscious 34 DDs (she wasn't wearing a bra).

"I am _so_ not worthy," he said, but she gently pushed the back of his head down onto her flesh, and he began licking around her nipples. His other hand gently groped her other breast, and the princess squirmed in position.

"Ah, s-s-sorry, it's a bit too much!" she said, her cheeks as pink as he'd ever seen them.

The princess pointed to her neck, and Link moved in and gave her a serious hickey.

"Oh!" she cried as he kissed all over her neck and shoulders. "You're soaking my panties…"

Link mischievously moved down her body to her pajama bottoms and worked on carefully removing them.

He ran his bare hands over her luscious thighs; they were silky and perfectly shaped.

"AHH! It tickles!" she exclaimed as Link began kissing the insides of her thighs.

Link's hands expertly explored her legs and hips as he tickled her entire body, tantalizingly, with his lips and tongue. She shuddered and shivered a bit, to which he slowed down.

"Do you like this combo?" he asked as he returned to kissing and touching her nipples while he ran his free hand teasingly near her love mound.

Zelda nodded.

"Tell me what it is you like."

"I… I really like it when you're touching me like that."

"Touching you where?"

"My… breasts."

"And where else?"

"M-m-mmmmy pu-ssssy."

"Good," he said, and moved his fingers over her lower lips. He pushed the heel of his palm up against the space just above the top of her clitoral hood and rubbed ever so gently, all the while stroking her outer labia.

"You weren't kidding: you're soaked through!"

"Oh, baby! Stop teasing me so!"

But Link just shook his head. "How can I stop? The teasing has only just begun."

After pulling down her panties and freeing her clitoris with his thumb, Link licked his fingers and advanced to using his index and middle digits on Zelda's upper quadrant, seeking out the area with the most nerve endings by studying his partner's reactions, all the while applying pressure to her pelvic bone with the heel of his palm.

In just a few minutes, Zelda was on the verge of coming. "Oh, Goddess! How is this possible? AHHH!"

Just when she was on the edge, Link stopped and winked.

"You… no… don't stop…" she whined.

"There's no coming until I take you to the edge," he told her, brandishing a Rok's feather from his pocket.

With his right hand, Link rubbed along Zelda's outer lips by making soft circles just above the surface. He then used the Rok's Feather in his left to trace lines all over her body. As she began squirming uncontrollably, his right hand held her down. Even though his muscles were chiseled, the princess was amazed at how gentle Link could be, how patient and thorough his technique was.

He'd taken her to the edge of orgasming for a good ten minutes before even attempting penetration. When Zelda could take no more, Link licked his lips and went down under with them. His tongue worked effortlessly against Zelda's clit, and his index finger alone penetrated as deeply as it could, tapping the edge of the princess' hymen. She didn't last long before she convulsed in a wave of spasms and came furiously against her lover.

After this, Zelda rode the wave of ecstasy for quite some time. Link plopped down next to her, smiling.

"That was… the best orgasm… I ever had…" she told him, and meant it a hundred percent.

"I'm glad," he said. "Do you want to keep going?"

She nodded sheepishly, and then pushed down Link's pajama bottoms, freeing his fully-erect dick.

Upon seeing its seven-inch length and sizable girth, she became more than slightly terrified.

"I don't think that's going to fit."

"It'll fit. It might just be a bit painful at first. The trick is to try not to tense up your muscles. Tell me when I need to go slow," he informed her.

The princess nodded. "Kay."

"We can wait a while if you're tired," he said, but she shook her head.

"Fuck me, baby. I want it in me, now."

"You want… what in you?" asked the Hylian.

"You know! Your cock!"

"Say it."

"I want your cock inside me, Linkie. I want you to fuck me hard."

"As you wish."

To which Link assumed the position between Zelda's legs. He pushed her legs back towards her shoulders and rubbed up against her opening. Her clit was still immensely sensitive, so just the feeling of his cock against it had her shuddering.

"Ah…"

"I'm going in now, slowly. Tell me if it's too much."

"I can take it. Just… put it in!" she huffed.

Zelda wrapped her legs around Link's back as he angled himself against her. He eased his manhood into the princess, and just the head alone was enough to send her into somersaults of ecstasy.

"OHMYGODDESS," exclaimed Zelda, her eyes widening.

"Wow, you're tight. And that's just the head," he said. He eventually reached her hymen.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked, and she became aware that he was trying very hard to keep from humming 'Pump Up the Jam' too loudly.

She bit her lip and nodded. Link pushed his length halfway in.

"HyyyeeeeaaaaAAHHH!" she cried.

"Hey, that's my line!" quipped Link, who then began moving back and forth rather slowly. If Zelda's insides hadn't been wetter than Niagara Falls, it would have been near-impossible for him to squeeze in there, as that hole was tighter than a constipated Goron's sphincter.

"BABY! I've never felt this before! I… I think you're hitting my g-spot, over and over," said Zelda, who had done a bit of research into this 'sex' thing on the Internet. Sure enough, he was tapping the sensitive spot located just a few inches into her vagina.

"What's a g-spot? Is that, like, your weak point?"

Zelda was not amused. "Maybe you should keep that mouth of yours shut, honey. Just say what you say when you're waving your sword around."

"Oh, cool. SHYEAAAHHH! HYEEEAAAHHH!" he cried, and spurred on by his own shouts, he began pushing slightly more and more of his penis into Zelda's hitherto unexplored regions.

"OH! OH, BABY!" she cried when his full length bottomed out at her cervix. "Not too fast!"

Link slowed his thrusting, and grabbed Zelda's ass cheeks with one hand with the other at the head of her bed. He helped her get her hips rocking back and forth while he classily slid his legendary member in and out of his lover.

He bent over and kissed Zelda ever so gently. When their lips disengaged, she looked into his big blue eyes and held his face over her with her hands.

"I love you, Link. I love you so much."

"HUT! HYUUUT! I mean… I love you too. This is incredible… feels like… my first time all over again. Now I wish I'd waited for you."

She pulled his head down next to hers to feel his breath and kisses on her neck and his warm body pressed up against her. This was the closest two people could possibly get to one another, and in this moment, it didn't matter that she wasn't his first. In fact, his added experience was a blessing, if anything.

"I don't mind… not being… your first… you're… so… good at this… ohh you make me so wet… you can… go faster again…"

And so Link did. His thrusts grew in strength and intensity.

"SHHYUT! KYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHH! Um… how… close are you…?" he asked her, clearly having difficulty holding himself back.

_Right, this was before he started doing kegels religiously._

"Almost… almost there… I… ahhh!" Zelda moaned, and then wrapped her heels around Link's toned ass, pushing him up against her as she held his dick inside her and came buckets against its filling sensation.

"I'm TYYEAAAH! I'm coming, too!" he cried.

"I wanna drink it!" Zelda said ecstatically, and Link pulled out. But the force of pulling out had Link ready to burst, and he ejaculated all over the princess' body, from her abdomen to her breasts to her face.

Zelda sat up to meet Link, who was on his knees. She licked his shaft and balls clean, basking in the warm afterglow that colored her face.

"Mmmmmm, it tastes sweet."

"Probably 'coz you had me eat all those pineapples."

"Sure glad I did."

After using her magic to clean up the excess semen, the princess snuggled back up with Link and smiled.

"That was flippin' incredible," she said. "Now I don't know how I can live without that. Don't leave," she said, repeating a mantra she'd been keeping to herself for the past few weeks.

"I won't be gone too long. Hyrule's my home."

She nodded. "I know. Just promise me you'll write."

"Every day."

Pillow talk kept them awake for the next couple of hours, until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

As for the next day, as you might expect, they basically didn't leave Zelda's chambers. Link put on the Bunny Hood, so they were literally fucking like Rabbids (or Bunearies?), and having food brought in whenever they were hungry. They stopped only to use the bathroom or eat.

It was something like ten in the evening when Ganon knocked on their door. Despite the room being supposedly soundproof, the banging of Zelda's bed was creating quite the ruckus in the hallway.

"Hey, uh, guys? The last train to Smash City is leaving in twenty minutes."

"LET THEM WAIT!" cried Zelda, who was currently riding Link cowgirl-style. Though she was quite raw down there, a healthy heaping of Chu Jelly kept her functioning.

"Uh, all righty then."

So as it turned out, Link ended up leaving the next morning, missing the first half-day of orientation at the Smashgrounds.

* * *

**V. Girls Girls Girls**

In the time that Link was gone, Zelda took to practicing her sparring as Sheik.

Hyped up from occasional visits to the Smashgrounds, where they watched their good friend smack some bitches up, both Zelda and Ganon decided to brush up on their fighting techniques, in the event that they might one day be invited to the exclusive tourney.

During their visits, the charismatic Captain Falcon struck up a friendship with Ganondorf, and even taught him his unique fighting style ("Falcon Fu") so they could spar against one another.

At least twice a week, either Link would take the midnight train and sneak back to the castle for a late-night quickie, or Zelda herself would go over to the Smashgrounds and rendezvous with Link for some frolicking in the hay, so to speak.

And of course, Link would update her with the goings-on at the grounds.

He'd developed a very professional relationship with Samus, he explained, especially since she had never really had close friends before.

The outspoken Captain Falcon seemed to be more her type, despite being openly bisexual.

As he could not communicate well with any of the others, Yoshi was showing signs of unchecked perversion, such as leaving jism stains everywhere and occasionally placing odd things up his bunghole.

Kirby and Jigglypuff had become close friends, despite a friendly rivalry.

Donkey Kong was a badass on the battlefield, but a studious guy who spent a lot of time reading.

Fox kept trying to hit on Samus, but seeing as how he was turned down at every turn, he channeled his sexual frustration into his training.

Ness really liked playing baseball, and his friends would come over and visit.

Mario and Luigi were often arguing over the smallest things, but the plumbers were both charismatic leaders.

Pikachu was a bit of a prima donna, who 'needed' daily massages and was a complete food fiend. His aromatherapy candles and cigars apparently stank up the whole dormitory, but at least the Pokemon could cook a Moo Moo Cow steak instantly with his Thunder attack.

These letters brought a lot of color to Zelda's life, and some of them were written for her to read to Ganon as well, to keep him in touch, which he really appreciated.

Ever since she and Link began their sexual escapades and romantic correspondence, Zelda's levels of confidence grew. She felt herself become stronger and stronger as the weeks grew by, something that helped a lot during the next few whirlwind years.

Around the time of _Majora's Mask_, a very odd decision was made to de-age Link, creating some tension between the Hylians and Nintendo's EAD team. And so, Link inhabited the body of a child during its development. To speed along the development process, Zelda offered to be a part of the design team, working as Link's personal assistant on-set. Whenever they wanted to make sexytime, Link simply put on the Fierce Deity Mask and they went to town, though it did feel a bit weird doing it with an eyeless entity. They couldn't have been happier when the game's development period ended.

Link, Zelda, and Ganon were redesigned for the Spaceworld 2000 demo, but the game itself ran into a few hitches along the way. The concept of a photorealistic Zelda was abandoned, and the legendary trio were given a lengthy holiday, in which time they went on a tour of Nintendo's other worlds while the developers worked from scratch with very different 'Toon' versions of Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf.

There was one fun dinner where the old cast met up with the new one, and after a few drinks, Link gave this younger, cartoonish version of himself some sage advice.

"Always keep on the lookout for shit you can bomb. If it's got a crack in the wall, bomb it."

"Right," said Toon Link, who scribbled this down in his notebook.

"Oh, and when in doubt, roll to get around."

"Roll?"

"Yeah, man. It's much faster. These new 3D games make it so easy. For combat, you just gotta lock on to your target and walk circles around 'em with your shield up until you see an opportunity. Then you've got options. Jump attack, stab, horizontal slash, spin attack, hookshot, boomerang, whatever works… you'll get the hang of it. There's nothin' to it."

"Gotcha, boss."

"Oh, and practice your 'wonder' face."

"Wonder face?"

"You know, like when you've just picked up a new item. They made me do that shit, like, a million times before they got the shots right."

"Here, lemme give it a try," said Toon Link, and picked up his goblet and held it high in the air.

Link was shocked. "Dude… that was perfect. You just sent chills down my spine. You're like… a work of fine fuckin' art right now. Wow. Man, I just… fuck. I can't even look at you."

"C'mon man, you don't have to make fun o' me."

(**A/N:** Apologies to "Step Brothers" for stealing that joke)

"No, bro. I'm dead serious. I was a little taken aback at them cat-eyes of yours, but they're really expressive. Listen, you're gonna make a _perfect_ Link."

Zelda and Tetra got along just fine; in fact, it kind of weirded them both out how similar they were.

The _Wind Waker _set was unlike any they'd ever seen. Instead of the traditional studio set-up, they were actually immersed in a giant overworld, and even got to take a few journeys on Tetra's Pirate Ship.

But after that, the trio spent most of their time visiting Nintendo's other worlds. They went fishing, snowboarding, golfing, kart racing, and ice climbing. When at Hyrule, they pursued their own individual hobbies.

During this time period, Zelda couldn't help but feel like they had been cast out of CAST, effectively rendering the more anatomically realistic Triforce Trinity as obsolete and obscure, but Link and Ganon both assured her that the whole "cel-shaded thing" was just a fad, and that their semi-retirement would end someday.

Perhaps inevitably, Ganondorf tired of being a third wheel and drifted apart from Link and Zelda. He'd been spending more time with the Developers, especially Mr. Sakurai and Mr. Eiji Aonuma, and started to help them design puzzles for their games and interact with their fans (much of his work here he was unable to tell Zelda and Link, being under a non-disclosure agreement). On the weekends, he still trained rather religiously by fighting Zelda and Sheik, though, and even went to the Smashgrounds once in a while to let off some steam… but for the most part, when not working, he kept to himself.

When it came time for _Super Smash Bros. Melee, _Zelda was more than ready to leap into battle, and even brought up the idea of having a mechanic where she got to fight as Sheik. The director, Mr. Sakurai, seemed to be fine with this, especially seeing as how freely and graciously the princess fought as her ninja-like alter-ego.

The days making _Melee _were among the best of Zelda's life, not least because she was able to portray a version of herself that encouraged young females to cross-dress as badass ninjas.

It got to the point where Zelda felt so comfortable as Sheik that she tired of playing the role of 'princess', which caused a rift between her and the development team when they announced that the next Zelda, _Twilight Princess_, would not feature Sheik or the Sheikah in any way.

And so Zelda grinned and bore it. At least she could see Link on a regular basis now, and she quite enjoyed being a hot brunette for a change, even if the boots were a bit uncomfortable and she was a little jealous of all the time Midna got to spend riding her beloved's back…

_Not to mention how that temptress Ilia kept trying to persuade me to 'share' Link with herself and the other ladies._

"I'm not saying I don't respect you, because I really do," said Ilia as she shared some of her herbal tea by the river with Zelda. "I look up to you a lot. I just think, with the strength of your relationship and the inevitability that you'll spend the rest of your lives with your eternally young selves… it wouldn't do anyone any harm. You'd be free to see other people, too."

But Zelda huffed her cheeks. "It's not _like _that with us," she said. "Link and I don't _need _anyone but each other."

"Truuuue, maybe you don't _need _anyone else," said Ilia, "but doesn't it add more variety to life? He's like, the most super hot and beastly man, like evar, and you've got him on a leash. Don't you think you should set him free, if you really do love him so much?"

"You're way off base. He's never once even _asked _me if we could be polyamorous," Zelda pointed out.

"If he did, though… would you consider it?"

"He wouldn't!"

"But if he did-"

"Hmph. You're trying to make _me _look like the bad guy here."

"I'm just asking questions," said Ilia, and then backed off. "Maybe he's just afraid to ask you, but then, that really isn't my business. It's okay. I understand that it's your prerogative if you want to keep him for yourself, Your Highness."

As the Hyrulean stood from the tea table and made a show of her barely veiled frustrations via a disrespectful mockery of a bow and curtsy, Zelda felt like smashing her porcelain teacup.

_Is it really selfish for me to want to keep him all to myself? _

_We're not humans; we don't have children, or families, at least not in the nuclear sense. There's no sanctity to preserve or protect, no fear of sexually transmitted diseases._

_But Link is mine, and I am his, and nothing in the Multiverse is gonna change that._

Midna, as well, was quite open about her feelings, especially once the game had been completed. In her more humanoid form, she was chilling in the Twilight Realm with both Link and Zelda, who were chugging some beers and tossing the cans off the side of a cliff.

"I won't lie that I'm terribly jealous of what you two have," Midna told them. "In fact, I really oughta thank you for letting me into your inner circle."

"You're fun to hang around with," Zelda said. "I'm just glad you haven't tried to make a move on Link."

"Not yet, at least," she joked. "Actually, can I overstep my boundaries for a second?"

"What do you mean?"

"With your blessing, I'd like to kiss him, just once," she asked Zelda. "Would you be okay with that?"

The princess thought about this for a while.

"Why?" she asked.

"I just want to know what it's like to be kissed by the Hero."

Zelda gave her a bit of a death glare. "Fine, but no tongue. And I get to watch."

Midna rolled her eyes. "Awww. All right."

She closed the distance and kissed Link straight on the lips. Midna made it last, and drew out her eye contact with Link afterwards, searching for what she meant to him.

"Thanks," she told them both, and then stood up and walked away. "I'll catch ya guys at dinner."

Link watched the Twilight Princess leave, holding her eyes with his just for a second. He then studied his girlfriend's pained reaction.

"I saw you checking her out," said Zelda.

"I made sure you did," he said, his face rather serious. "So you'd see that this is as far as it goes."

Zelda hung her head. "I'm not enough for you, am I?"

But Link took her hand. "You're _more _than enough for me, babe. I don't think I could handle any more drama from another girl, nor would I want to. But you've gotta understand, my looking at other girls doesn't affect how I feel about you. It was only a kiss."

She smiled a bit at this, and he continued.

"I'll be honest. I'm a man, or at least I'm programmed like one. Since we're always surrounded by other women, I do have those kinds of desires from time to time. Every man does – the ones that avert their eyes or pretend they don't ever notice other women are just lying to themselves. But there's no one else for me. Every woman I've met, they've all got chips on their shoulders. They're all a little crazy."

"I'm a little crazy, too. You know that first-hand."

"Maybe, but I've never met someone that's as well-adjusted, as reasonable, as honest, and as comfortable in their own skin. They're not like you. No one will ever be you."

"Link… thank you."

"No thanks required. I'm speakin' from the heart. You're my soulmate, Zelda. A little light flirting with the co-stars isn't gonna change that."

"Sometimes I'm just not sure if you really believe that, or if you're just lying to yourself for my sake. Because if you are… I would feel like the most selfish girlfriend in the world. Mario and Peach went through a swinging phase. Daisy and Luigi are still polyamorous. So are Nana and Popo. Not to mention Mach Rider and Captain Falcon, before they broke up."

"Stop right there," he said, and squeezed her hand. "I can tell that just talking about this is making you uncomfortable. I could never do anything that would hurt you, Zelda. Let's drop the subject for now."

_For now._

_Those two words continued to be on my mind for years. Link… in trying to be a gentleman, you've only stirred up my greatest fears. As a result, I became clingier, more paranoid. _

_How long is 'for now'? _

_At what point will this issue boil over, or are we doomed to never discussing it?_

_Do you not understand what you did to me?_

_I tried to will myself to fall for someone else, to act on the sexual attraction I'd felt for Marth, Roy, and Ganon, at the very least. Maybe I had a fixation on you, because you were my first. Whatever the reasons, I couldn't get myself to the level where I could even think about being with someone else._

_Call me a hopeless romantic, but I've never been able to break free of the ideals of serial monogamy._

* * *

**VI. Same Ol' Situation**

After the luxurious vacation with friends that was _Super Smash Bros. Brawl _ended with Snake and Samus' breakup amidst the dramatic revelations about CAST members' jumbled-up dreams and overflowing memories putting the system at risk, it started appearing to everyone that their days of peaceful co-existence with the humans were numbered.

Add that to an atmosphere of sexual tension and a general CAST-wide fear for Nintendo's future, and the years between _Twilight Princess _and _Skyward Sword _were pretty agonizing.

Not much changed when Zelda turned back into a blonde. She got to spend a lot more time with Link at the start of _Skyward Sword's_ cut-scene filming, but sadly, despite the game's script emphasizing the innate closeness of the Hero and the Goddess Incarnate as childhood friends, the whole experience was definitely a lull in their relationship, a far cry from the honeymoon period of _Ocarina_.

"There's no use worryin' about it, Zell. Bein' exclusive's a virtue, if anything," said Groose. He'd stolen a cigar break in between takes of the early-game Loftwing competition scene. "Most couples would only dream of what you two have had for _the last fifteen_ _years_. That's longer than a lotta human marriages."

"But that's the _thing_, Groose. We may be practically married, but it's _my _dream. It's not his. If he had his way, he'd probably be macking on every eligible girl in sight."

"Have ya asked him that?"

"He won't give me a straight answer. He might not even know himself."

"Ball's in his court then, 'innit? Maybe you should just try to enjoy what you've got."

"That's precisely the problem! Until this relationship feels _fair _for the both of us, I _can't_ enjoy it!"

"Sounds like you're worryin' over a whole lotta nothin'. Be happy this is the extent of your stress. If there's one truth in this universe, sister, it's that life isn't fair. That applies to relationships, too. If he's used to it, you can get used to it, too."

"But I've _been _used to it."

Of course, fate proved her otherwise. After noticing Link joking around with Peatrice, who fixed his hair up for the next shot and offered him some water, Zelda clammed up.

_He's just a flirt by nature. I know he won't sleep with anyone else but me… but he's so sly, he just can't help making women laugh and smile. That fool should really know better by now._

Despite herself, Zelda threw Peatrice a death glare that scared her away. She even warned the poor girl by grabbing her arm as she passed by and whispering in her ear.

"Be careful around Link," she warned her. "Don't you get too close to him, unless you want to see my bad side."

Peatrice looked terrified. "Y-y-yes, princess."

Zelda also couldn't stop herself from chastising Link about the incident later on.

"So, you appeared to be having an interesting conversation with that item storage girl."

"She has a name," Link pointed out rather sharply. "I saw you harassing her earlier. It's like this every game. You've gotta start some drama with every woman who so much as looks at me. We hang out, like, every day. Why are you so threatened? What more have I gotta do to prove you're my number one?!"

"I don't know," she said. "I'm fucked in the head. I'm a jealous bitch."

"No, it doesn't… it doesn't just _end _with you sayin' that. Bashing yourself isn't gonna fix this. There's a truth here we need to unearth."

"Let's wait until tomorrow," she told Link, her hands trembling. "I don't think I can talk right now."

He hugged her.

"I'm sorry I raised my voice," he said.

"I'm sorry, too."

"Do you want to get some dinner?"

Zelda shook her head and smiled. "I'm not really that hungry," she said, despite her near-grumbling stomach. She took a walk, stealing a rare chance to be alone as the stars snuck out during the night cycle.

After munching on some oven-baked macaroni, the princess decided to open herself up to Lady Fi as the two sat calmly overlooking the waterfall in Skyloft, and the way the moon crossed over the night sky.

"Mother CAST…" she began.

"Yes, my dear?" responded Lady Fi, who was gliding effortlessly across the waters of the floating island in the small pool.

"What do you think of Link and I? Do you think we're compatible?"

"But of course, Zelda. There is a ninety-three-and-a-half percent chance that you are each other's best match. I took great care to make sure you two would grow close. It makes for a more efficient development cycle."

"Really?!"

_That sounds awfully manipulative of her! _Zelda thought.

_Do not forget that I am attuned to your thoughts, Zelda. Perhaps you require more specific parameters about your compatibility?_

"Numbers won't help. My situation is… kind of complicated," said Zelda. "Sometimes I feel like I'm holding Link back. I'm happy being exclusive, but I'm not sure that he is, and maybe I'm kind of responsible for that."

"I can modify him so that he desires only you, but we would need his and Mr. Aonuma's consent."

"No! No, I don't want that at all!"

"So what is it that you wish to change?"

"Myself, I guess. I just want to accept the way things are. Maybe then I can learn to be happy, and make him happy, too."

"If you have made it clear to him that he has options, the factors of his happiness are not dependent on your actions. To believe otherwise is an act of conceit."

"It sounds simple when you say it like that. But I feel the reality of the situation is… when you've been together with someone for so long… you influence one another in ways you could never expect. I'll tell him one thing, and mean another. Like, I'm not okay with the way he farts indoors… but if I don't bring it up, I've only got myself to blame. It's like that with the small things as well as the big ones. I just don't think I can love him properly until I'm capable of accepting myself at a mature level."

"Then you must develop self-respect. Make an effort to be the best that you can possibly be."

"I feel that's easier when I don't have the safety net of all these other AIs here."

"That is another thing you might work on: not making excuses for yourself."

_Damn! _Zelda thought. _Real talk here, coming from our Overseer, no less. Maybe the system in place can help us in a way, after all._

Long story short, Zelda made it a point to focus on self-improvement, and even helped the developers in writing her touching monologue to Link near the end of the game.

"And so Hylia... I mean, and so I... I knew that if it meant saving Zelda, you would throw yourself headfirst into any danger, without even a moment's doubt... I... I used you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for pulling you into all of this, Link…"

The princess choked back some sniffles.

"CUT!" Eiji Aonuma cried, and halted their filming of the dramatic scene. "Makeup department!"

The sealed crystal opened up and Zelda practically fell into Link's arms.

"I'm sorry…" she said. "I'm slowing everyone down."

As Peatrice ran onto the scene, wiped away Zelda's tears and worked on reapplying her makeup, the _Legend of Zelda _series Producer's voice gently spoke over the entire production.

"Zelda, I understand that it's a dramatic scene and I appreciate the effort, but the idea is that you're trying to be strong for Link."

She nodded. "I understand, sir. I'm doing my best."

"Stay awesome, princess," said Peatrice, who, despite being threatened by her, was professional enough to hold no ill will towards Zelda. "We're almost wrapped."

At this, Zelda nodded her thanks and put on her bravest face.

Link stroked the back of her head. "Shhh. Once this is over, I'll take you out for a good meal. Anything you want."

"I just want you. I don't want to lose you."

"Whatever gave you that impression?"

"I don't know," Zelda replied. "I've been having more dreams lately. Weird dreams."

And just like that, at the mention of these rogue memories, the Zelda watching this flashback remembered them.

_Alternate timelines. Alternate Links and Zeldas. Due to a glitch deep in Mother CAST's emergent code, memories would erroneously combine into the same registry files from split realities and other development departments._

_I'd wake up and not know who I was. Then I'd look in the mirror and remember that HE was there. I'd see the evidence of him being in my life, and I'd fall to pieces in relief._

_That's because in my dreams, so very often, I was alone, or with someone I was unhappy with._

_But not Link. _

_I'd see him and Ilia riding alongside one another in bliss. Ilia bringing him sandwiches in between his goat herding jobs._

_He'd be inside humanoid Midna, calling out her name instead of mine._

_Or he and Malon would go for a quickie in the back of the stables, and roll down hills afterwards, laughing all the way. _

_As Young Link, he'd be holding hands with Saria, or bottling milk and fending off aliens with Cremia. _

_Older versions of Link would be dancing with Din, and loving it. Or even having sex on the beach with grown-up Marin._

_I knew these were all alternate worlds, alternate Links from rigorous Beta-testing sessions. And that mine would never betray me so. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like a bitch._

"Do you have these kinds of dreams, too?" she asked him, sitting on the footsteps of the sealing chamber.

"Yes," said Link. "Impa says we're all starting to have them."

"I don't know if I can take it anymore," said Zelda.

Link let her put her head on his shoulder. "There's ways out of it. We can get our memories suppressed, cutting off ties to the system and living without any knowledge of the past."

"I wouldn't want to lose our precious memories together."

"Nor would I. There's another option. We can do what Krystal did: opt to freeze ourselves in cryo-sleep for a few years. Maybe when they wake us up, there'll be some kind of cure for this mess."

The scenario reminded the princess too much of her supposed thousand-years in isolation. The thought of her consciousness literally ceasing to exist while her body was used like some marionette was ridiculously terrifying.

Zelda shook her head. "It's not worth the lost time. What if the servers collapse while we're in there, or Nintendo never wakes us up?"

"Golly, I hadn't even considered that last one," said Link. "Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go for that either."

"Then what do we do?" she asked.

"The best that we can," he replied with a kiss. "Come on, let's get back to work."

Even their best efforts were not enough to overcome the system's fatal glitch, however.

During the development of _Super Smash Bros. for the 3DS and Wii U, _the exponential overload of having over fifty high-definition-modeled characters on one roster and their friends partake in a rather epic reunion overloaded Mother CAST. The infamous 'memory glitch' was taking its toll as the resulting influxes of memories flooded the servers, prompting a complete system shutdown.

The development team lost an entire month of work.

There was only one quick solution: All CAST members were subject to mandatory memory suppression.

"It appears that we can't get the transformations working on the 3DS version," Mr. Sakurai told Zelda one on one. "So you're going to have to make a choice."

As the team was working to rebuild the primary servers, the princess was standing in the midst of a completely white field, with nothing but a snowy expanse in every direction.

"What choice would that be?" she asked.

The _Super Smash Bros._ director made two pictures appear before her: plastic trophies. 'Amiibos', the text read.

"You are going to have to decide whether you want to continue on as Zelda, or Sheik."

Zelda clutched at her heart. "What do you mean? Can I never transform again?"

"In your free time, sure. But as far as _Smash Bros. _is concerned, Zelda and Sheik are now different characters. For whichever one you don't pick, Mother CAST will awaken an alternate fighter. I'm aware that you and Link have had a long and meaningful history, but since you are both going to lose your memories anyway… well, you do seem to rather enjoy fighting as Sheik. Please, take your time. I want you to make the decision that suits you best."

But the Princess didn't need time to ponder Sakurai's words. "Let me remain Zelda," she said. "If there's even a chance that Link and I might fall in love again, I want to take it."

"I admire your determination, princess," said Mr. Sakurai with a smile. "Zelda it is."

The Hylian smiled. "At least now I only need to fold one set of clothes."

"That's the way to look at it," Mr. Sakurai laughed, but he saw that Zelda was having a hard time. "I really do apologize."

"It's okay," said Zelda. "You didn't cause this glitch, and you didn't determine the limits of the 3DS. All I ask is that I get to meet Sheik as she's born."

"Not a problem," he told her. "In fact, let's make it an event."

* * *

**VII. Time For Change**

And so, Link, Zelda, and Toon Link stood alongside Lady Fi at the birthing chamber as Sheik emerged from the embryonic sac.

The Sheikah looked around in a daze, and then spotted both Zelda and Fi.

"Where am I?" she asked. "And what's that cat-eyed thing?"

"HEY!" Toon Link cried. "I resemble that remark!"

"You're home," said Zelda, and took the newborn's hands. "Sheik, I'm very glad to finally meet you. The cat-eyed one is Toon Link, and I'm your alter-ego's namesake, Zelda. I'm sure you're familiar with Link. The silver one is our Mother CAST, also known as Lady Fi."

"Uh, hi. Nice to meet y'all. You're like a mirror image of me."

"That's right. Miss Sheik, you'll be taking on a position I've held for a good thirteen years now. In about an hour, the Developers are going to be instituting mandatory memory wipes, so this probably isn't going to stick… but please understand that it's going to be a long and difficult road ahead, and if anything happens, I want you to know that you have us as friends to rely on, okay?"

"Okay," Sheik replied, and accepted hugs from the others.

"W-wow," she said. "Thanks for the warm welcome."

In the last hour the Smashers had left before losing their memories, they all gathered around a campfire with the other Smashers just outside the Birthing Chamber. A melancholic tone led the feeling that night, as everyone seemed to have accepted the fact that this was the last time they would ever share their innermost thoughts.

'Truth' or 'Dare' became quite popular.

"Truth," chose Rosalina.

"Okay," said Pit. "Is it true that you're supposed to be Luigi's and Peach's daughter from an alternate timeline?"

"Oh, my!" Peach exclaimed. "Could that be true?"

Don Luigi shrugged. "If so, that's a-news to me."

"Er," replied Rosalina. "To be honest with you, I don't actually have an answer to that question. If you don't mind my asking, Pit, where did you hear that rumor?"

"It's from a _Game Theory _video. There's actually a mountain of evidence."

(**A/N:** I'm aware of the anachronism here - the _Game Theorists' _video actually came out fairly recently, so there's no way Pit would have seen it before this flashback took place, but I just wanted to give a shout out to it)

"When a-they aren't doing a-size comparisons, those guys are a-pretty legit," said Wario. "Mario, you got anything to say about a-this?"

But Nintendo's biggest star was passed out on Peach's lap, his head nestled into position. He hiccupped in his sleep as she massaged his head.

"Let him sleep," she said, her cheeks flushed. "Even if it's true, it's just Nintendo's backstory. He doesn't need to hear this. And Rosalina?"

"Y-y-yes?" the blue-clad woman said sheepishly.

"I think you would have made a wonderful daughter," Peach replied with a smile. She had Rosalina sit beside her and took her hand.

"Thank you… mama," Rosalina said, cuddling up to her. Yoshi leaned on Peach's other side, and oddly enough, she allowed it. There was no use being upset anymore.

"I love you," Fox told Zero Suit Samus.

"I know," Samus replied. "You've only said it like a million times."

Bowser was reading Tolstoy, while Junior had cuddled up with a bunch of Pikmin.

Sheik and Zelda listened to the Hero playing some tunes on his ocarina. Toon Link roasted marshmallows with GW, Ness and Falco.

Ike, Marth, and Kirby sat contemplatively, while Dedede, Popo, Olimar, and Lucario were trying to get as fucked up as digitally possible. They had just taken a rather large dose of mescaline and were lying down giggling up at the night sky.

A rather quiet Newcomer that Zelda did not recognize was sitting among the group, but simply looking up at the stars. Dressed in nothing but a pair of gray shorts, he boasted very light-colored hair and wielded a ginormous red weapon that might in some futuristic universe have been considered a sword or blade of some kind.

After some time, Impa arrived with the entourage from the Moon base. She was joined by Ganondorf, Solid Snake, ROB, Jigglypuff, Prof. E. Gadd, Takamaru, the Duck Hunt Dog, and the Wii Fit Trainers.

"Snake?" exclaimed Captain Falcon. "Great to see you, man!"

"Likewise."

Snake and Zero Suit Samus locked glances, and after a long moment of disbelief the _Metroid _heroine leapt up and gave him a big hug.

"I was wondering if you'd ever show up," she told him.

"Me too," he replied. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting."

The two embraced again, and though she had broken it off many years prior, she hadn't expected to miss him so badly. Her eyes told a story of hurt and loneliness.

"When this is over..."

"Shhh," he said. "Just be in the moment."

Impa cleared her throat for them to move aside. Samus and Snake walked off to the side a bit and held one another.

"When did you get back from Konami? Are you joining us on the grounds?"

"As for that second one, probably not, unfortunately. But I never left," he said. "I was given the option to stay here… to watch over you until it came time for the next _Smash Bros. _game."

She kissed him with the full force of her being.

Impa stepped forward to address the others, since Samus was definitely not going to be available. "Ganon here just announced his retirement from his honorary developer position. He did some good work for us up here, but it seems he misses you all and wants to rekindle some old friendships. So we've got one open space. Does anyone else wish to join us? Anyone at all?"

"GANON THE CANNON! HELL YEAH!" exclaimed Link. "Man, it's good to have ya back!"

Link, Zelda, and Toon Link all embraced Ganondorf, who was warmly invited back into their group. He shook hands with Sheik.

The remaining Smashers all kind of looked at one another, unsure about Impa's proposal.

"Come, now. All we need's one other mole on the inside." Impa said, filing her nails with her pen.

"Go for it," Link told Zelda. "You can carry on the memory of our relationship."

But she shook her head. "I won't be separated from you."

Impa pointed at the green-clad plumber. "How about you, Don Luigi?"

Luigi cleared his throat. "Since my inception, I've been a man of my word. To take on this job would mean that every day, I would have to live the life of a liar. With all due respect, I do not think I can properly manage the realm's affairs with such a mindset."

"A fair answer," said Impa.

"What's the pay like?" Pac-Man asked.

"Pay?" Snake sneered. "Peanuts. No vacation time, either. The benefits are absolute shit. We eat slop and live a meager lifestyle, nothing compared to what these guys have. The pool isn't even heated-"

"Shush," said Impa. "Puck, unlike most of us, you'll be living at the Smashgrounds ninety percent of the time, so you'll still live a life of luxury. But Snake has a point, and that is this. Nobody wants to do this job. It's dirty, it's difficult, and it's taxing on your soul. The true test of this position is _prestige_. You will have influence and acclaim. Smash City will love you."

"Will I be higher-up than Mario?" Pac-Man asked, starry-eyed.

"Er, in terms of rank and general influence, at least," said Impa. "In addition to being one of the main hosts, you'll also be Don Luigi's second-in-command."

"IN YOUR FACE, BOB HOSKINS!" Puck said, and shoved his derriere in Mario's unconscious face. He slapped the plumber across the cheeks and wiggled his nose, to no effect. "I'll take the job!"

"Done and done," said Impa, and placed a check on her clipboard. "Congratulations on being the future most hated member of the Smashgrounds."

"I dunno about that," said Puck. "I hear there's a rumor that Dr. Mario and Dark Pit might be on the roster instead of Ridley and Mewtwo. I know it only takes a fraction of the development time to create a clone, but golly! That's sure to spark some fan wars. At the very least, you could get Sakurai to offer those two as DLC or somethin'!"

"We do not comment on rumors and speculation," said Impa, repeating the standard company line.

Upon reaching this point, modern-day Impa's telepathic signal cut through the flood of memories.

_Zelda, are you there?_

_Yes, I'm here, _the princess replied. _If these memories overload the servers, how is it I'm able to remember all this?_

_It's the same reason you were gifted with your psychic abilities. As a caster, you have exceptional mental strength. You're the only one that possibly could handle this knowledge. Why did I contact you again…? OH, RIGHT! Let me give you the skinny on what all happened._

This system was enforced by Nintendo's own Mother CAST and a growing group of agents co-hosted by a combination of local servers connecting them to Bandai Namco Games, Capcom, Konami, and Sega.

The result of these combined servers was the Moon base overlooking the Smashgrounds. In actuality, the Moon functioned as a home for Mother CAST and her operatives to keep the Smashers in line, and that they did, with an iron fist.

_Is there any way we can break free of this system? _Zelda asked.

_There's only one_, replied Impa._ And that is the hope that someone can fix Lady Fi's glitch before the servers blow._

_And what are the chances of that?_

Impa hesitated before replying. _Very, very low. I'm sorry. It's probably too late to do anything about this situation._

Zelda steeled her nerves._ So what's the most likely scenario? Is there any other way to avoid complete server collapse?_

_The most likely scenario, princess, is that Iwata decides to pull the plug. Mother CAST is shut down and rebooted from a backup file. All of our memories – including the ones of us protectors – are suppressed. Half of us – that is, those of us with the most latent memories who therefore pose the most risk – will be frozen, possibly forever. _

_The developers will continue to utilize our technical assets to create new games, but our actual consciousnesses will only see the light of day at the utmost need, one at a time. Unless the developers will it to be so, you and Link may never interact again. _

_NO! _Zelda exclaimed telepathically. _WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN!_

_I agree. If we didn't have a chance in hell, I wouldn't be telling you this. But right now Lady Fi's in a bad way. If somehow Mother CAST's glitch can be repaired while she's in this vulnerable state, there's a spot of hope. How we can help her, I have no idea. But maybe, just maybe, there's someone who can get the job done. _

Zelda's ears perked up. _Then there's hope! That's something._

_There's always hope, princess. Wake up._

With a snap of Impa's fingers, the Hylian jolted awake in her room. She burst open the doors of her cabin and ran down the hallway to the bridge, filled with vigor and courage.

_I know the odds are stacked against us, but we have a chance, dammit!_

* * *

**VIII. Live Wire**

"I'm going to take it head-on!" TGFKA Palutena announced as she flew desperately towards the approaching missile, which was the same one that Rosalina had redirected from hitting the _Comet Observatory_.

Dark Pit flew up and landed on it, and then tried to pry open the deactivation hatch.

"It won't budge!" he yelled.

"Take your time, sweetie."

Palutena calmly used space-bending magic to slow the missile's descent as the beleaguered angel dug through his fanny pack for a hex screwdriver to undo the bolts.

"This is bullshit!" cried he. "I know I had one somewhere! Wait! Look out!"

Lady Palutena shot out her reflector to send back four missiles fired by Eagle's Fighter Jets.

"Just what we needed," she said sarcastically as four more Fighters flew in to replace the two she'd just downed.

The Goddess was pushing the limits of her powers. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep airborne while holding the missile in place and reflecting incoming fire.

* * *

Captain Falcon awoke to a rocking feeling. The sky was passing him by; he was on a stretcher. A blurry Chibi-Robo offered him a thermos of water and he drank, though the water dripped right out from his skeleton past his esophagus.

"Chibi-Robo…"

"How's it hanging, stranger?" asked one of the men carrying the stretcher. He wore a cool blue outfit with a weird see-through eyepatch that wasn't quite a monocle, and not quite half of a set of goggles.

"Ugh, I feel like a hot mess," Captain Falcon said. "That was worse than the time I bailed off of _Big Blue _with a faulty parachute."

"Faulty memory was the problem, not equipment. A lifetime o' takin' beatings couldn't-a prepared me for that crazy cunt," Little Mac added.

The Captain then realized that Little Mac was being carried on another stretcher just alongside him. The boxer was little more than a charred and incomplete skeleton, but he was getting better.

"Mac? We made it. Guys, I don't know how to thank-" he began, before coughing out a whole lot of blood and ash.

"Hey, take it easy," said the guy at the foot of Cap's stretcher, a rather furry thing with humongous floppy ears. "Carrying you isn't exactly what I'd call light exercise."

"Sorry, bro," Falcon replied. "I can't help being beautifully big-boned. No, seriously. I just can't seem to change my physique."

"Your physique was never up to you," said the diminutive woman with a red beret who was at the head of Mac's stretcher. "You're the creation of a design team."

"A what?"

"As we thought. They don't know anything," said the female furry thing who was carrying the foot of Mac's stretcher with a giant orange hand popping out of a rather large and ornate helmet. "Let's try not to blow their minds too hard, guys."

"Outta curiosity, who are ya guys exactly?" Mac queried.

"The _Brawlers Without Borders_," replied the blue-clad guy. "My name's Vyse. This here's Klonoa, Adeleine, and Midna. We're former CAST members, now refugees of the system. We want no part in this godforsaken conflict and have eked out a humble existence here."

"How can you possibly hide right under their noses like this?"

"Let's just say we have someone looking out for us," said Klonoa. "Save your strength. Talking and thinking only slows down your recovery."

Captain Falcon failed at flexing his arms. He was incapable of Falcon Punching anything, and that made him sad.

As the group reached a small clearing, he turned left to see that they were not too far from a large cliff overlooking a vast canyon, the midst of which was covered in what could only be described as a massive cesspool of toxic waste and swamp gas.

About a mile out to his right, there was a rather epic battle going on outside of a very large Silo that bordered a towering castle. But they were heading parallel to the castle, carving through a hidden trench.

Before long the party arrived at a small bunker, the outside of which boasted a neon sign labeled "BWB".

Vyse pushed a button on the intercom and spoke. "Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Start."

"Welcome home, ladies and gents," the voice of Crash Bandicoot replied.

The crash victims were taken in and the party descended a Warp Pipe to the lower level.

It was a rather cool setup, a wide, one-room den but with very cleverly used space.

A billiards table completed a corner of the room. On the opposite side, there was an ornate stage (currently empty), and in the middle stood a kitchen counter that doubled as an open bar, and a set of tables for people to eat and play tabletop games, which they were doing at the moment. A loft halfway up to the ceiling hosted several sleeping areas, with private bunks being set up along the walls.

Bathrooms appeared to be cut into the rock, with translucent sliding glass doors.

Several characters sitting around playing a tabletop game were asked to stand up and move to the floor.

The rotund Dungeon Master seemed a bit peeved about this.

"C'mon, guys, really? We're low on space as it is."

"They're not gonna be living here!" groaned Klonoa. "Get out of the way, Eggman!"

"That's Doctor Eggman to you," the DM grumbled, bookmarking his page in "Driver's Ed and Dishwashers: An Advanced Earthling Master's Guide, Volume III".

One of the tabletop gamers adjusted his glasses and folded up his character sheet. "Put me on hold for a minute," he told Eggman. "My duty lies with the wounded."

"Fine, Derek, but don't blame us if Emma Watson blows you off on your date to the County Fair and goes with _moi _instead," another mustached man in a lab coat said.

"You wouldn't dare, Wily," Derek replied. "Skip my damn turn, Ivo."

He then turned to the scouting team and their acquisitions. "What have you got for me today?"

"Crash and burn victims, Dr. Stiles," Adeleine said. "Smashers."

"SMASHERS?!" came the collective response.

All two dozen of the _Brawlers Without Borders _came forward and gaped at the regenerating victims.

"I know that guy! That's Mach Rider!" Ms. Pac-Man exclaimed, pointing at Captain Falcon's bare flesh.

_Who was that girl? _Falcon wondered. _And just how the hell did I let her call me 'Dougie'?_

"Wrong, Puck," said Little Mac, whose left eye popped back into existence. "And why're ya dressed like a grill?"

"After all these years!" she yelled, and kicked over a barstool. "I am _not _Puck, that dirty, no-good fame-obsessed… UGH!"

"That was our last good barstool!" exclaimed the bartender, Crash Bandicoot.

"Give them some space!" Derek demanded, gently pushing Ms. Pac-Man away. "Now, where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere," Captain Falcon replied.

"This should help," said Dr. Stiles, and quickly injected both Smashers with some morphine.

"N-n-no drugs…" said Douglas, but it was too late.

Neku Sakuraba and Beat from _Jet Grind Radio _lent their headphones to the injured Smashers.

The soft opening keys of Utada Hikaru's "Sakurai Nagashi" rang in a crazy head trip for the Captain as he zoned out, completely dazed.

In his mind, all these random characters, most of which he had never seen in his life, were cuddling with him in a giant bed, engaging in a free-for-all orgy, all occurring in slow-motion.

When he woke up, it was to find himself fully healed. Falcon looked down and realized he was nearly naked; in place of his normal clothes, he had nothing on but a pair of boxer briefs. A tall albino clad in a white suit that looked like a work of failed _Power Rangers _cosplay licked his lips as he ogled the Captain.

"Hell-o there," he told the Captain. "Now aren't you just gorgeous all over. Oh, right," he continued, and offered Captain Falcon a bathrobe. "You were out for about ten minutes and we don't have many extra clothes, but this is the least gaudy thing we've got, and it's totes a hundred percent cotton."

Falcon tried it on – it was a little tight on the shoulders, but overall not too bad. "Wow, I can't thank you guys enough. Didn't catch your name."

"Ghirahim. Come on, sweet cheeks, I'll take you to your buddy."

They ascended the loft, where the game had been moved. Little Mac, who was wearing nothing but an oversized shirt, waved at his approaching buddy.

"Lookin' good, Mac. Dr. Stiles, you're a beast, dude! How did you heal us so quickly?" Falcon asked.

"Ah, that'll be my 'healing touch' ability," he said, looking up briefly from his character sheet. "Comes in handy during conflicts."

Dr. Eggman cleared his throat. "Have a seat, Falcon. Your questions will be answered after this turn."

Little Mac leaned over to whisper in Captain Falcon's ear. "Check it, man. They're role-playing. That dweeb's named Jeff_._ Oh, and those are the two opposing guys from Mega Man's realm," he said, pointing out Dr. Light and Dr. Wily at the table.

"Get out of town."

"No, I'm dead serious."

"Okay," Dr. Eggman continued, moving on to Dr. Wily. "So your boss is walking up to your cubicle, coffee in hand, expecting that report you were supposed to turn in."

"Close my browser window and minimize my _Minecraft _session. I'll submit my half-finished work and bluff, hoping he doesn't notice the details."

"All right, but he's in a bad mood. You're gonna have to roll an eighteen or higher to keep him from taking you into his office and going on a tirade."

"Outrageous! Can't it be a sixteen?"

"Just get on with it," Jeff said. "Wily, you're holding up the game again."

"All right, all right," the cranky bald-headed scientist said, and rolled. He got a natural twenty.

"IN! YOUR! FACE!" Wily exclaimed, and performed chopping motions on his crotch. He flipped over his chair in excitement. "Hooo-ahhh!"

"Damn, Albert," said Dr. Eggman. "It wasn't like your job was on the line or anything. Okay, so your boss is cool with the report. But then his eyes dart to your screen. It turns out you didn't properly minimize your _Minecraft _tab. So he ends up dragging you into his office anyway."

"BULLSHIT! Yer just tryin' to spite me, Robuttnik!"

"Come now, Dr. Eggman. I'm not one to usually challenge the DM but that just ain't fair," Derek told Eggman. "He clearly said he minimized the window."

"Yeah, but his keyboard shortcut failed. The keys were all funky because of the jism that landed in it from last night's after-work wank-off."

As Dr. Stiles considered this new development, a loud rumble shook the bunker and the power went out.

"Not again," said Dr. Light. "Something's the matter with the Silo lately, it seems."

"Well, shyeah," Captain Falcon told the group. "It's under attack by Pokemon."

All the Doctors instinctively covered their ears in fearful anticipation, and for good reason. Ms. Pac-Man screamed like a banshee at the loft-dwellers. "I've had it up to here with those damn monsters. I don't want to hear another word about Pokemon!"

"What's her problem?" asked Little Mac as Dr. Neo Cortex brought the group a hand-crank LED lantern to use. Chibi-Robo turned the crank for them.

Dr. Eggman lowered his voice. "She's been perpetually moody since Puck left. Really wanted to move to the Smashgrounds as an Assist Trophy. Got upset when they denied her application."

"With good reason," Dr. Light pointed out. "It's a life of luxury over there. No clogged toilets. No radioactive isotopes rotting the food."

"And none of your snoring," Dr. Wily chastised his old rival.

"Yeah, here's the thing, guys," said Captain Falcon. "The Smashers are all rising up in rebellion. The plan was to take over the moon. We're horribly outnumbered out there, but it seems like the Pokemon are getting the job done. I know you guys are trying to remain a neutral party in all of this, but if you help us, we can end the oppression of the Ominous Ones once and for all."

To which the entire table went silent.

"So it's true," said Dr. Eggman. "There's a battle out there."

"None of this shit would have happened if we hadn't let that fruitcake take off," growled Dr. Cortex.

Captain Falcon was horribly confused. "Wait, what are we missing?"

Dr. Wily spat into a nearby spittoon. "That asshole Gadd stole a bunch of our best equipment and took off to work for the Ominous Ones."

"And you just let it happen?" exclaimed Little Mac.

"We don't normally talk about it," said Dr. Light, "because it's a major source of shame. He lied to us, coerced us into helping him with his grand Mind Control device, to use on the psychic kids. And all along we never realized that he was working for the Man."

"It's our greatest regret," Dr. Stiles continued.

"Then it should be your responsibility to _do something_!" Captain Falcon demanded. "Good people are dying out there!"

A rather reverberant noise silenced the crowd.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Davy the Chameleon. The hero of _Chameleon Twist _had just used his uber-long tongue to slap the floor hard. "WE GOT LADY FI IN THE HOUSE!"

Lucina lit a gas lantern and held it up, illuminating the other end of the room. She was joined by Pit, who was wearing a fedora. The angel laid Lady Fi down onto the makeshift surgical table on the lower level.

"Guys… I don't know you… but-"

"Hey, Armpit!" exclaimed Little Mac.

"I know you, buddy!" Captain Falcon added. "Oh, wait. We should be sad. Yeah, uh, no easy way to say this, but your mistress-"

"The Goddess Formerl- I mean, Palutena's alive!"

"FUCK YEAH!" Little Mac and Captain Falcon screamed in unison, and then high-fived.

"But listen up!" Pit continued to the growing crowd. "According to Dark Pit, we're all gonna be dead very soon unless we can get Lady Fi operational again. All you smart-ass sciencey guys, please… we need your help!"

"M'boy, Mother CAST's emergent programming is far beyond our capability to influence," said Dr. Light.

"Then who can help us?" cried Pit. "Is there anyone in this whole wide universe?"

Adeleine titled her beret forward and lit up a cigarette from the other end of the room. "Nintendo has one programmer whose exploits are the stuff of legend… one who can bend the laws of the universe in his pursuit of code perfection. And his name is Satoru Iwata."

"His name is Satoru Iwata," continued Vyse and Klonoa, starting a somber group chanting session.

"His name is Satoru Iwata," the Doctors all chanted in unison.

"His name is Satoru Iwata," added Crash, Davy, Midna and Ghirahim.

"Whoa, whoa! Enough with the creepy chanting in the dark!" exclaimed Pit, who was already beyond his daily stress limits. "Just… someone! Anyone! How do we get Lady Fi to this Iwata guy?"

"There's one way I can think of," said Dr. Eggman. "And that's through the source code in the center of the Moon. Come on outside, guys. We're takin' a trip to the Scrap Brain Zone, or at least what's left of it."

* * *

**IX. Shout at the Devil**

"The rolls, they shall be called!" Takamaru yelled over the rabble of over two hundred Smash hopefuls standing at attention on the platform. "Lineth thou up in columns so that thy names may be tallied!"

But aside from Frog, who understood Takamaru's speech perfectly, the various CAST members murmuring and rubbing elbows paid no heed to the ancient Nintendo character.

"Dude-bro-man-dog, let me show you what leadershit all is about," said King K. Rool, who patted the samurai on the shoulder and took the megaphone.

"LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! ATTEN-SHUN!"

But he got no respect either. Chrono sold Black Mage a small plastic baggie of ecstasy in exchange for some Gysahl Greens while the Wonderful Ones cheered on Mach-Rider, Marle, and Dixie Kong as they raced to see who could snort a thirty-foot line of cocaine faster.

"DON'T MAKE ME WHIP OUT MY JOHNSON!" the Kremling King kried. "I have a severe bladder dysfunction and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The disrespect continued as Spyro the Dragon tossed a cigarette butt at his feet. "Shut the fuck up, man. Nobody on this platform needs to hear about your piss problems."

King K. Rool's ears erupted with steam. He was already fuming at his boy Bowser having been chained up and kept in a hold. "What makes you think you can fuckin' talk to me like that, Puff the Magic Has-Been?"

"Shit, I don't owe nothing to an old fossil like you," Spyro scoffed. He picked his nose and flicked the booger at K. Rool. Though Starfy leapt in and ate the booger, the Kremling had taken the insult to heart. He waddled over to Spyro, rolled the dragon onto his back, and sat on his face.

Spyro struggled and twitched, but it was no use. King K. Rool cackled maniacally as he shat into the plucky purple dragon's mouth.

"MMMmmmmmmpppphhhh!" cried Spyro, tears erupting from his eyes as his mouth overflowed with unspeakably half-digested material.

From the office chair where he was tied up with E. Gadd's psychic helmet over his head, Lucas turned away from the gut-wrenching scene, but could not block out the sickening smell.

"OK, this has gone far enough," said Professor E. Gadd. The recently reborn mad scientist was sitting atop Ridley's back as the _other _purple dinosaur flew above the crowd. He peeled off remnants of the fluid from the CAST pods that were sticking to his bald head. "Ya kids should be savin' yer energy fer the Smashers, fer cryin' out loud. If ya really want to torture someone, there's always this guy."

He pointed to Solid Snake, who was chained to two Tesla coils and was currently under assault by Paper Mario, Geno, and Mallow.

"You must think you're real tough," Snake told Paper Mario after spitting out a chunk of blood. "It ain't easy beating up a man who's tied up."

"I can beat a-you off any day!" Paper Mario exclaimed.

Geno and Mallow giggled until they ROFFLED onto the floor.

"Can't breathe!" Mallow laughed. "Oh man, that's rich!"

Paper Mario punched Snake in the gut again. "What's a-so funny? I'll beat a-you all off, right now!"

"Pardon, papier mache," Wonder-Green interjected. "Can I be next? I haven't been beaten off since Pink got carpal tunnel."

"I can only pleasure so many cocks in a day," said Wonder-Pink, who proceeded to whip Snake furiously. "Get off my case!"

"Only if it means we can get off into your mouth instead," joked Wonder-Blue.

E. Gadd facepalmed. "This is getting us nowhere! Takamaru, how's that head count comin' along?"

The samurai, who was standing on a tiny platform above the main one, checked his tally. "We're missing two of our Generals, it seems. Agent Boxers and Agent Moe."

"Goddamn deserters," said E. Gadd.

"I don't blame 'em," sneered Spyro, who had recently spat out the mounds of shit that were filling his cheeks. "This has been a _shit _job from the beginning!"

"Yeah!" a few voices shouted in agreement, among them the Red Mage, who was currently getting a lap dance from Marle.

Just then, a blinding light emanated above the platform. From it emerged a Rayquaza, and riding atop its back, none other than a Mii Swordfighter of Satoru Iwata greeted them with his smiling face.

Mr. Iwata took aim at Spyro. Rayquaza shot the dragon with an Ice Beam and froze him in place.

"Desertion is not tolerated. Snarky comebacks go against company policy."

To the terror of the entire army, Rayquaza followed up with a Dragon Claw to slice the naysayer in half.

"Harro prease," said Mr. Iwata. "Wii would like to play. Our enemy is less than a minute away. Anyone else thinking about deserting?"

"SIR!" exclaimed a voice from the back of the crowd.

Mr. Iwata bended over to see little red Lloyd waving his hand around.

"Sir, I have urgent news for you! I just saw-"

But Rayquaza's Overheat toasted the dual-wielding swordsman, who flailed about and finally jumped off the platform to his doom.

Teary-eyed, Colette Brunel cried out for him. "Lloyd! Lloyd, NOOOO!"

Just to show that he was really a very not-so-nice Chaotic Evil type of guy, Iwata had Rayquaza toast her, too.

"All right, now _ANYONE ELSE _want to defect?"

By now, the platform started smelling of the small army's collective urine streaking down their knocking knees in fear.

* * *

As Zelda emerged onto the bridge, she became aware of a major debate going on.

"Show me the heat signature again!" Link called from the dashboard after leaving his periscope.

A readout of an approaching trio showed up on the big holo-screen. Three grown men were riding a small _Fantasy Zone _spacecraft. One was a Mii Gunner, and the other two were swordsmen.

Zelda studied the silhouettes. _One of those swordsmen… he's very familiar._

Bowser Junior was trigger-happy. "They're armed! Let's shoot first an' ask questions later!"

"Wait! They may look like foes," said Ike. "But let's try hailing them first."

"They're not responding! Shoot 'em!" yelled Bowser Junior.

The mostly-regenerated Ganon slapped the back of his hand against his other palm, creating a loud 'smack!' sound. "Think, man! Their radio could be down!"

"It doesn't matter. They're very close. If they were friendly, they would have found some way to hail us by now," Sky Admiral Link said with some finality. "Let's take 'em down with one shot. All right, Diddy. Position that Bill Blaster. Take aim… ready… and…"

"WAIT!" yelled Zelda. "I saw him!"

Every head in the room turned to the princess.

"You saw _who_?" Peach asked.

"The guy with the weirdly shaped sword. He was in my vision. Sitting with us by the campfire before our memories were wiped."

"Before?" Link queried.

"It's a long story, honey. But I have to tell you guys – there is _hope_. We need to get Lady Fi… Mother CAST… and fix up her glitching. It's the only way."

After going up to the periscope, Rosalina squinted, attempting to see through the green-tinted cockpit.

"Wait! That's… it's _HIM!_" she exclaimed.

The crew dashed outside, onto the deck, to greet the descending ship.

The cockpit opened, and from the ensuing steam emerged none other than three figures.

One adjusted his sunglasses and cracked his neck, then drew forth a customized beam sword.

"Name's Travis Touchdown. I come in peace. Take me to your moe girls."

A white-haired swordsman wearing a cool-looking futuristic red-and-black outfit whipped out his rather oversized Monado Blade, stuck it into the deck of the airship, and leaned on it. He winked at Princess Peach and tossed her a rose.

"'Ello, guv'na. I'm Shulk. Perhaps you could teach me to tango sometime, princess."

The last person to emerge from the spacecraft was also the most mysterious. Despite being a Mii, his very aura sent shivers down the spines of every Smasher on the deck. Many of them fell on bended knee, extremely touched by just the sight of their Creator.

"Greetings, Smashers," said the Mii of Shigeru Miyamoto (now called 'Miiyamoto'). "I bring you tidings of anime-styled badasses. And everything looks so bright and vivid. Man. It's just so beautiful here. Now get up, stand up! You gotta fight for your right to party!"

"YEAH!" the collective exclaimed, and leapt into the air.

"Seriously, though. We can party later," said Mr. Miyamoto. "Right now I have come to you at the turn of the tide. Like Gandalf. We've got just one shot at this. Ooooone shot. Or whoooooosh. The plan is… the plan is… maaaaan… is it just me, or is that Luma, like, changing into colors that don't even exist?"

Mr. Miyamoto grabbed the Luma hovering in front of Rosalina and stared at it as if it were made of diamond.

"GUYS! GUYS, FOR REAL, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?"

"This… is my Creator?" Link queried.

Shulk scratched the back of his head. "Ah, yeah. Tha's right. Your pappy here, he, uh, dropped some shrooms, by the way."

"Why on Earth would he ingest drugs at a time like this?" Zelda bellowed.

"Because we need his powers running at full capacity," said Travis Touchdown, who deftly inspected Zelda's posterior. "My, you're a classy princess, aren't ya? Have you got a younger sister hiding anywhere?"

The princess ignored him and closed her eyes.

_If these are our reinforcements… it's going to be a hell of a hard-fought battle._

* * *

**A/N:** OMG Thank you so so so much for reading through all that! :D Seriously, reader, I really, really appreciate it. What do you think will happen next?! As always, feel free to let me know any opinions, comments, questions, concerns, criticisms, inconsistencies, etc.! Reviews, faves, and subs keep me going! ^^ Hope to have the next chapter ready sooner than this one!


	26. Break On Through (To The Other Side)

**A/N:** Hoo boy, this chapter took a while! Apologies for making y'all wait so long! Despite typing on an ergonomic keyboard, my wrists and shoulders have been acting up, and IRL work is getting harder, to the point where I may have to take a break from writing after the season finale just to get my life in order and to keep from getting carpal tunnel syndrome. :(

This chapter is not quite the conclusion of this arc, but it's getting there. Believe it or not, it's even longer than the last one, and even more chaotic and eventful… I seriously debated splitting this into two chapters, but it's so hectic that there was just nowhere to break in the middle. Please let me know if there are any inconsistencies or errors! With my track record it's highly possible I missed something big. ^^;;

The next update will be the Season Finale, and it should drop next week if all goes well.

Oh, and Hyrule Warriors is flipping incredible. I was going to save up some money for _Theatrhythm: Curtain Call _and some Amiibos but how the hell could I resist? Long story short: this game just plain rocks. It's the best _Musou/Warriors _game I've ever played, since it has a layer of polish unseen in the genre and is packed with little touches like fan-service, and great boss characters. Reviewers complaining about boring or confusing combat probably ran through the whole campaign as fast as possible on Normal/Easy mode or just straight up hate fun.

**CORRECTIONS: **Fixed a bunch of minor errors. (10/1/2014, 2:26 PM PST)**  
**

**GlassHouseFalcon:** Thanks for your review! Actually, I thought that Shulk was closer to a Brit (mostly because his VA is British). But there will be a few chapters before he's involved in anything perverted. ;)

**Meowkerz:** Wow, thank you so much for your kind comments! Glad you enjoyed the Robin x Robyn! I have had some fun ideas bouncing around for their roles going forward in the story. As much as I'd love to publish this, I'm pretty sure Nintendo would sic their lawyers on me, lol. XD I don't actually have a set length for this fic, but I do have a big treasure trove of ideas that I've only just begun to explore. This could be the halfway point, or it could be the end of the first third. And I do think that less updates will likely be the future of this fic. I've devoted a ton of time towards it and it's been a fantastic writing experience, but sadly, I have bills to pay.

**sippurp123: **Thanks as always for the review! Yup, the difficult part has only begun. Action-wise, things get really heated in this chapter. As much as I'm rooting for their happy ending as well, Link and Zelda's relationship wouldn't be as interesting without a little drama – their relationship and lemons are going to definitely play a significant part going forward. ^^

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

**Break on Through (To The Other Side)**

**I. Fistful of Steel**

On the planet's surface, Mewtwo was asleep in bed with his Gardevoir lady-friend when he sensed a great psychic disturbance.

_What the devil… _he thought, and then flew over to his balcony. He parted the shades, opened the sliding door, and stepped outside.

_Something's up on the Moon, _he realized. _Well, fuck._

The Pokemon kissed Gardevoir good night and performed some morning stretching exercises. He then zoomed straight up towards the glowing sphere.

Surrounded by a ball of energy protecting his body, Mewtwo broke straight through the sound barrier.

* * *

As the others watched Satoru Iwata toast Lloyd and Colette, Agent Copper got a new set of orders in her earpiece from Mr. Sakurai, who had vacated his station to contact Mr. Miyamoto and was currently dealing with some expected server issues resulting from Lady Fi's incapacitation.

"All right, Impa, looks like the jig's up. Have the two Hands retreat to the Glovebox Folder."

"Understood, sir," said Impa.

But just as she prepared to give the orders on the tablet, Mr. Iwata snatched it out of her hands.

"What's this?" the Mii of Nintendo's CEO asked. "An app to give direct orders to our most powerful assets? Ah. How convenient. I'll take over from here, Impa."

_Shit! _Impa thought. _What do I do?_

She was just about to steal the tablet back from Mr. Iwata and make a run for it when Mr. Sakurai's voice came in through her earpiece once more.

"Don't try it, Impa. Stay alive for now."

Mr. Sakurai's digital assistant simply stood by as Mr. Iwata re-mounted Rayquaza and took stock of his new toys.

"Interesting that Mr. Sakurai would put _you _in charge of his babies," Iwata mentioned with a suspicious glance at Impa. "Where is that man, by the way? I was hoping to find him here."

"Ah… he mentioned something about a batch of late-night curry not agreeing with his stomach."

"Typical. Let's see…" Mr. Iwata said with a grin. "What manner of destruction should I attempt first?"

* * *

Mr. Game and Watch led Kyogre, Lugia, and Charizard into a dive bomb over Crazy Hand. He rang his bell multiple times as a warning to Olimar and his Pikmin to get out of the way.

"Wait for it…" Olimar commanded the little plant-like dudes, who were still attacking the giant glove as a swarming collective.

Lugia charged its Aeroblast attack, while Charizard was preparing a Flare Blitz. Skarmory, Aerodactyl and Zapdos were not too far behind.

"NOW!" Olimar screamed, and his Pikmin all formed up into a group and took a leap of faith into dead space moments before the incoming attacks plastered the already weakened Crazy Hand.

Mr. Game and Watch steered Kyogre close enough for the chain of Pikmin to latch onto the legendary Pokemon's arms.

"BEEP! BEEP! RIIIIING!" (What's a spaceman doing without his ship?) exclaimed GW.

Olimar gathered up his horde of Pikmin with his whistle. His digital translator transcribed GW's words.

"It got fried, like so many bacon strips. Not to mention it lacked atmosphere. Man, do I owe ya one! I was getting motion sickness from those giant fingers!"

"BRRRIIIIIING!" (That's what she said!)

As they flew away, Skarmory and Zapdos were able to dodge Crazy Hand's spastic tantrum.

Crazy Hand tossed a flaming ball of fire up into the air and split it apart by crushing it. The fallout rained down on the Pokemon like meteors, hitting but not stunning both as they closed the distance.

The Pokemon assaulted the gloved one with well-timed Steel Wing and Thunder attacks. With an ethereal screaming, the Hand flopped around in a fit of dark rage, stunned. Lugia continued to plaster it with Psychic and Aeroblast.

Not too far from this, Master Hand's health was dropping, thanks to Falco's newly acquired Hyper Lasers, a Supply Box gift from the _OG Great Fox_.

"Guys… some weird stuff's spilling out of Master Hand… and I don't think it's Master Semen," he called on the comm. "Samus, where you at?"

"We're workin' on repairs!" Kirby replied from Samus' pilot seat as the bounty hunter was deep in elbow grease, on her back working on replacing frayed wires in her engine, a result of massive hull damaga.

"Comin' for ya, Falco!" called Olimar from his radio. "FUCK! Four o'clock!"

The opened palm of Master Hand whooshed by and would have slapped Falco's Arwing into last week if he hadn't somersaulted just in time.

"Watch it!" Falco yelled to GW and Olimar as the newly recovered Crazy Hand attempted to grab Kyogre.

It would have worked, too, if Lugia hadn't flapped its mighty wings and pushed Kyogre out of the way.

As everyone had to suddenly dodge Master Hand's rocketing five-finger death punch, Crazy Hand tore a hole in inter-dimensional space, sucking Lugia into a dark swirling vortex.

Falco was horrified. "In what universe is that kinda tactic acceptable?!"

But oh no, that wasn't all. The Hand then bounced a ball of radioactive energy off of Zapdos, and then slammed him with a pillar of concentrated light. The Legendary Bird's retaliating Zap Cannon missed both Hands, but Aerodactyl's Hyper Beam hit Crazy Hand straight-on.

"We're killin' him!" yelled Olimar in frenzied excitement as Charizard landed another Flare Blitz.

But Crazy Hand had another trick up its non-existent sleeve. It tossed another concentrated energy ball into the air, made a fist, and slammed down onto it, sending the spherical mass into the recovering Aerodactyl. Skarmory flew in for the assist, but the Steel Pokemon was not fast enough to save its friend from Master Hand's deadly poke attack.

"GWAAAARRRR!" Aerodactyl cried as it shattered into pebbles.

"EVERYONE BAIL!" Falco exclaimed. The Pokemon retreated and Lombardi made his final approach towards Master Hand, dodging Crazy's charged-up finger bullets.

"Hold still and let me shoot you!"

The bird exhaled as he fired the Smart Bomb. It hit Master Hand right in the palm and exploded both five-fingered menaces into oblivion.

Or so it appeared at first.

Mr. Game and Watch wiped the pixilated sweat from his brow. "Beep-boop." (Fuck, that was intense.)

"We're not home free yet!" said Falco as a flood of black pixels emanated from the remains of Master Hand. Twin double helixes of the shadowy blocks formed into a monstrous humanoid beast that roared at them in some demonic, otherworldly voice that resounded from behind its glowing purple face.

"What have we done?" cried Samus.

A rather large horizontal slash came out of nowhere and smacked the group of Pokemon with a delayed response.

Olimar and Game and Watch became untethered from Kyogre and were now floating in dead space. They were sitting ducks for whatever the shadow creature had in mind for them.

_Oh, shit_, thought Olimar as the pixilated monstrosity tore open another inter-dimensonal hole.

He waved goodbye to his remaining Pikmin, most of which were riding various Pokemon, and turned to Game and Watch, who was floating alongside him.

"It was an honor, old-timer," said the Captain.

"Beep." (Likewise.)

Falco yelled into his comm. "Olimar! GW! Hang on! I'm on my way!"

"It's too late, Falco. Do me a favor, take all the cash people owe me and donate it to-"

_POP!_

The portal snapped shut like an old-fashioned coin purse. Olimar and GW were sucked away, drawn into the ether.

Samus slammed her fists against the dashboard. "GW! Ollie!"

"Goddamn it!" Falco screamed.

"GWARRRR!" (GET AWAY!) Charizard yelled after being knocked away by a large purple energy shockwave coming from the overpowered asshole.

Kyogre and the other Pokemon retreated from the beast now giving them full chase.

* * *

"AHHHH!" Sheik screamed from atop Samus' gunship as a blinding laser blast cut her arm off and shaved off a good portion of the right side of her torso, puncturing a lung.

Only seconds later, Samus left her repair station and took the lift up to the roof to help her blood-splattered friend.

The damage was pretty bad: not only had the giant laser toasted the old satellite they were hiding behind, exposing them to the last Space Pirate Frigate from the initial wave of enemies. The massive Frigate was now the only thing between them and the approaching army of thousands.

"I was a fool to think we were safe enough for me to save my spells…" Sheik groaned.

"No time for regrets! We need to beat a retreat, or we're dead meat!" Samus cried, now clad in her Varia Suit after having summoned it forth, so that she could use her visor to see through the fog of blood.

As Sheik faltered, unable to cast Nayru's Love since her entire right torso was regenerating, Samus used her Shield to block their lasers, and her Ice Beam to freeze any incoming missiles.

"Kirby, get us out of here!" she cried as the engines experienced a stuttered start-up.

Though the gunship was only running at eighty percent capacity, the puffball barreled it perfectly in between two large pieces of debris.

"This ain't the kind of ship I'm used to flying!" Kirby said, rather terrified as he barely dodged another laser barrage.

"SUPER SONIC STYLE!" a voice from the distance yelled.

From atop her gunship, Samus spotted Sonic activating the seven Emeralds, then dashing through the Space Pirate Frigate multiple times. It exploded dramatically as the golden blur joined Shadow's airship in eliminating the remaining escape pods and unmanned fighters from the first wave.

"Once again, I'm in your debt," said Samus as the hedgehog's transformation ran out of juice. He returned on Samus' hoverboard with seven missiles in hand.

"All in a day's work, princess. Just hope these missiles work."

"If they're from a Space Pirate ship, they should be pretty standard," said Samus.

"As for healing items, this is all I could salvage," said Sonic, and offered Sheik a Maxim Tomato.

"Thanks, guy," Sheik replied, and hugged him.

"Don't thank me yet."

The trio descended into the gunship and Sheik took stock of their remaining magic bottles.

"It's not looking good," she said. "I've only got one left."

"Then let's save it for when it counts," Samus replied. "Any news from the enemy transmissions, Krystal?"

The vixen opened her eyes, disengaging her searching abilities. "They're going to parlay with the Smashers aboard Bowser's Airship. I was able to get in contact with Impa. She's afraid negotiations will go sour; with Mr. Sakurai tied up with the servers, Mr. Iwata is in charge of the army now. The weirdest thing is, for some inexplicable reason, Mr. Miyamoto has joined you guys."

"Misters _Who_?" asked Samus.

"IMPA?" Sheik exclaimed. "You mean she's one of _them_?"

"Oh, yeaaaaah, you'd know her from your backstory implants, wouldn't you?" shrugged Krystal. "She's the boss' right-hand woman, actually."

"Does that mean she jerks him off?" Kirby asked as Sheik and Sonic helped load Samus' missiles into standby positions.

"Samus, come in!" Falco called over the comm. "What's your position?"

"Aran here," she replied. "We have just refueled and are bearing towards Bowser's Airship, over."

"Fall back!" cried Falco. "We're being chased by an enemy with unknown properties!"

Just then, Samus saw what was after them from her own cockpit glass. It was a very dark mass of endless pixels, and it was shifting forms and chasing them all down at an alarming speed.

"Great," she said.

"What else is new?" quipped Kirby, who turned on the Nitrous thrusters. "Jesus take the wheel!"

Samus stepped up to the controls. "Don't know about you guys, but I'm not waiting for a second coming!"

The gunship jetted away from the advancing monster, but the large black humanoid shape was catching up quickly.

Pulsating energy chakrams shot at the gunship, one by one; Samus nimbly weaved through them.

"Dip! Duck! Dive! Dodge!" Sonic yelled as the black colossus went for another melee swipe, and then attempted to slam its head onto the gunship.

Samus fired two missiles at the beast, which absorbed them into a cavernous hole that split open within its head.

"Impossible!" Samus muttered, though she reflected that that word should have lost all meaning to her by this point.

Falco peppered the boss' backside with his Hyper Lasers, finishing off with another Smart Bomb.

The pixilated beast's head glowed like an iPhone 6 in a microwave. After it developed a pulsing mass on its forehead, it attempted to slam down onto the Arwing. Falco waited to the last second to dodge, in order to prevent the creature from shifting targets.

Yet after the initial hit, floating bubbles surrounded Falco's flight path and exploded into crosses like mini X-Bombs, nearly taking him and Samus' approaching gunship down in one surprise attack.

"Hull damage critical!" cried Kirby.

"Oh man, I'm gonna have to back off!" announced Falco as he ejected from his Arwing, which was near exploding.

The Arwing would have smashed into the dark creature, but a gaping hole opened in space-time and swallowed it.

"What WAS that?" Falco asked after firing an emergency flare, but no one else had seen the portal.

Skarmory picked the ace pilot up and bore him out of the line of fire – the nameless beast had once again sent out its spinning energy chakrams, aiming for Samus' ship.

While Samus was busy trying to avoid the spiraling vortices, the shadowy mass then lashed out with two additional hands, which spun around its body, palms glowing with fire.

One of these hands grabbed Samus' gunship and drew it through the dark figure's body before spitting the ship out and sending it flying wildly.

Needless to say, from all the rattling, the gunship was nearly torn inside out. A loose piece of Space Pirate Frigate debris pierced the hull and impaled Krystal's leg.

"AHHHH!" the vixen cried.

Just then a volley of machine gun fire stunned the advancing shapeshifter.

Metal Gear Ray dashed straight into the bulbous mass and knocked it aside with an interstellar dash attack, dealing a powerful blow.

As the bipedal weapon went around for another pass, Toon Link leapt off the back of the hull, activated his Final Smash, and sliced and diced the metamorphosed beast before being smashed away right after dealing the finishing blow (apparently this thing was immune to hit-stun). He 'Vector-Influenced' his flight path back towards the Metal Gear as Luigi pulled it into a U-turn.

"Time for the ol' Samus Shuffle," Samus said. She spun her gunship 180 degrees and simultaneously angled the jets so that she was flying away from the approaching shadow mass whilst facing it. She had her gunship infuse her newly acquired missiles with additional lightning damage.

"Come get some!" she belted, simultaneously firing her energy blasts and supercharged missiles.

The missiles at least slowed the thing down enough for Toon Link to safely land his hookshot onto the Metal Gear, and for Samus to whip the gunship around and boost away.

Even after that intense display of might, the shadow creature continued its assault, now chasing Metal Gear Ray. It was so fast even the Pokemon struggled to catch up.

"Maybe we shouldn't have underestimated this guy," said Luigi as the Ray suffered serious damage from the shadow beast's energy blasts.

* * *

**II. Wake Up**

As Mario drank down the last remaining drops of Bowser's Fireball Whisky, he squinted while inspecting a framed photograph of himself, Peach, Luigi, and Wario at the mercy of Bowser and Bowser Jr.'s inane mini-games. Just then, Diddy Kong walked in on the mini-bar.

Upon seeing that there was nothing left to drink, his eye twitched. He flipped the hell out, which had the effect of freaking out Mario.

"Hey, a-Diddy, there's a-no need for the-at-a-rics. It's not a-the end of the world-"

The primate would not be satiated. He grabbed Mario and dragged him over to the nearby steam sauna, where Pac-Man was currently chillin' out, maxing, and relaxing all cool, having been temporarily turned into a really laid-back fella.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat's coooookin', homeboys? Haaaaah, get it? Maaaaan, Bowser knows his stuff."

"Uwaaah!" Diddy exclaimed amongst other chimp-like sounds as he grabbed the entire water bucket, tossed out the ladle, and poured its seven-gallon contents over the hot rocks above the fully-stocked wood furnace, prompting a flood of steam.

"WHOAAAAAA!" Puck said as his pupils expanded. Decades of digital chemicals latent within his being from excessive drug usage flooded his pores, creating a miasma of toxic fumes in the room.

Mario's head was spinning like a top; he tried to leave but Diddy forced him to sit.

"What are a-you doing, silly monkey?"

Diddy brought out the emptied whisky bottle and smashed it on the floor. "Kwwwwaaaaahhh!"

"Haven't practiced my Kong language in a while, but I do believe he's tryin' to make you sweat out all your alcohol as a way of getting revenge on you for finishing Bowser's last bottle," Pac-Man pointed out. "He says he wrote his name on it with a Sharpie and everything. That was a dick move, bro."

"That's a-ridiculous!" Mario said with a laugh, woozy enough to be near passing out. As the last bits of alcohol in his system flushed out from his pores, he began experiencing trancelike visions of the past, unlocking the memories that even the strongest suppression software could not withhold. "It's… it's a-too much…"

Diddy Kong laughed as Mario collapsed onto the floor in a ball of sweat. He then picked up the plumber, carried him out of the room, and tossed him in the ice-cold pool.

"Hey, uh, pretty sure you're supposed to shower before goin' in the cold pool!" Puck informed him, but it was too late.

Mario's brain matter warbled with the sudden sharp change in body temperature. Time slowed to a crawl. He tried to will his motor functions to work properly, but all that he could see in his mind's eye was that framed picture Bowser had at the mini-bar.

The Koopa King sat on a throne as the four combatants had to out-perform themselves so as to not get fried to a pulp.

_I remember now. These a-were the 'Mario Parties'_, he reflected. _But they're a-fake, empty affairs… designed a-by the company to squeeze money out of a-the filthy casuals and ruin friendships world-a-wide. _

_If only the fans knew they were nothing like a-my actual parties._

**2002**

From the outside, Delfino Plaza appeared to be a perfectly quaint and uneventful paradise town. And for the most part, it was. But when night fell whenever Mario was in residence, the resort/tourist hub turned into the biggest celebrity hangout and general party place in all of Nintendo's servers.

Out on the dance floor, the mostly elite guests, including _Super Mario Sunshine's_ on-set cutscene film crew members – Piantas, Toads, Piranha Plants, Koopas, Yoshis, and others – were all gyrating and rocking to Peter Piranha's playlist and drinking from the open bar.

Meanwhile, in his VIP room, Mario "Jumpman" Mario was balls-deep into Princess Peach's asshole, while the princess was sucking off Bowser, who was currently draining a beer bong being held aloft by a bowtied Boo butler.

"Take it, Peachie!" Mario cheered, slapping her ass cheeks as he bottomed-out his perfectly average-sized five-inch penis inside of her colon.

"Yeah, baby!" Peach exclaimed, giving her throat a break from the King Koopa's penis and using her wrists to bring him to climax.

Bowser tilted Peach's chin so that she was looking up at him when he came all over her face. Her smile told him all he needed to hear.

"Thanks, princess," said Bowser. "Now let me return the favor."

"Hold up, a-King Bowser," Mario said. "Let's a-switch positions."

And so the plumber pulled out, had a female maid disinfect his cock and wipe it clean, and then repositioned Peach, having her sit atop a billiards table and spread her legs wide. Bowser bent over and gently began lapping up the pearly come coating her neatly trimmed pubic hair, while Mario started to fluff himself after downing the remains of a bottle of Grey Goose.

"Anythin' I can get for you?" asked a passing Koopa butler, who was carrying a tray of drugs.

"I'll have another Valium," she said with a smile.

While Bowser continued to lick Peach's slit, the Koopa gave her a drink of water and slipped the pill into her mouth, which she promptly swallowed.

"Wow, that's wild!" exclaimed Peach, who was rather enjoying the burning sensation down under.

After returning from his drink, Mario stood atop the table and allowed the princess to take his manhood into her wet and waiting mouth.

"It's amazing you never get whisky-dick, _paisano_," observed Luigi, who was pounding Pauline while Toadette was expertly fingering both of their assholes. As this was relevant to their interests, Toad and Toadsworth watched on, masturbating furiously in between lines of cocaine.

"There ain't a-no one in-a this universe that has a-my stamina!" Mario replied.

"Got that right!" Pauline said in between moans. "No offense, Luigi."

The younger Mario brother just shrugged his shoulders and subtly cranked up his fucking rhythm, pouring his anger into his typically artful sex; he was used to this kind of treatment.

Meanwhile, Wario was getting a lap dance from a female Pianta. The rather obese man was being rather feisty, groping the Isle Delfino denizen's derriere.

Waluigi's gigantic nose snorted a small mountain of cocaine off of Wendy Koopa's shell. He then opened a lower hatch in the underside of her shell and began rubbing his long, thin penis against her dry slit.

"Why won't ya kiss me down there like a princess?" Wendy asked the tall _Mario Tennis _player.

To which Waluigi shoved some coke straight up her nose and kissed her deeply. "Why won't ya shut the fuck up and know a-your place? Do you a-wanna work at my strip joint or not?!"

"Psssssh," she replied. "It's not as if you're spoiled for choice. Not sure when last you looked around, but there ain't exactly a smattering of womenfolk in the Mushroom Kingdom."

Wendy pointed across the way to where the transsexual Birdo was taking all of her brothers at the same time.

"Point a-taken," said Waluigi, who then slapped her in the face. "That's for bein' cheeky. You mah ho now."

"Chauvinist pig," Wendy muttered under her breath.

As Mario stood with his hands guiding Peach's head onto his dick and surveyed the fruits of his and the Nintendo developers' labor, he beamed in pride. When Toadsworth overdosed on heroin earlier and went into cardiac arrest before dying again (only to return from a Private Teleporter), the plumber barely batted an eyelash. Even Yoshi standing behind Daisy and sticking his tongue so far up her bunghole it tickled the insides of her tummy did not faze him.

But somehow, the mind-fucked, 'cannot-unsee' expression on Nana's and Popo's faces as they entered the room carrying large clubs was enough to make him question everything.

"W-w-weren't we supposed to be clubbing? Where are all the baby seals?" Nana asked, a rather traumatized look on her face.

"Sugar, this is the type of clubbing where all you need is your bad self, just as the Developers never intended… in your un-birthday suits," said Toadofsky, who was between Bombette's legs.

"Come play with us," Bombette said in between giggles.

_What the fuck are we doing? _Mario thought as he witnessed the two Ice Climbers, always such a sweet and innocent couple, drawn into their drug-fueled orgy.

_All I wanted was to show some of the Melee veterans a good time. No! Stop making excuses for yourself, Mario!_

This was the first night Popo tried weed. He'd been an addict ever since.

_We're characters from a-children's games. How can we positively influence the younger a-generation if deep down we're just debauched sex a-fiends?_

But that moment of realization soon passed. Mario lost himself in Peach's mouth as her tongue expertly coiled around his member. Her hot breath called out to him.

"Honey? Honey, come for me," she begged. There were others waiting in line.

As Mario's steaming jism shot down his longtime girlfriend's throat, the guilt returned to him, if only for a fleeting moment.

_The feeling didn't last long. But I'm a-pretty sure I learned that day that once a-the truth or something approaching it is incepted into your a-thought process, it a-never goes away._

Even after recovering from his hangover the next day and joining Peach for some golf, Mario couldn't shake the negative thoughts about his lifestyle. But rather than doing anything to better himself, he just sank deeper into his drinking.

_I'll take a-my virtual body to the edge._ _That's what I told a-myself. Then and only then will I be ready to give it up._

Despite his best efforts at the time, he never did give it up. Like so many unfortunate junkies, adrenaline or otherwise, Mario discovered that the more he pushed the edge of his limits, the further away they seemed to be.

Before long, he woke up vomiting, only to replenish his lost fluids with another bottle or two of Jack Daniels or Jose Cuervo. For brunch, he'd indulge in a vodka tonic. Bacardi Rum was what was for dinner, unless he felt like an entire twelve-pack of Coronas. After long days at work, the occasional keg of Guinness suited him just fine.

After the essentially paid vacation that was _Super Mario Sunshine, _it was back to the spin-off games.

At work, Mario was still functional. He'd stick to his flask during normal hours, put on his mask, and fake his trademark smile as he pretended to enjoy navigating tricky platforming sections, jumping from place to place, and dying constantly.

But once the plumber made it back to his suite and the lights went down, he situated himself on his recliner, turned on the tube, and drank himself into a stupor.

**2005**

"I'm worried," Luigi told him. "You're barely functional. We almost never a-see you anymore, and when a-we do, you're all a-sauced up."

Mario frowned. "No offense, _paisano_. I don't a-see how it's a-your business."

"It's a-my business because I love a-you. Peach is a-concerned, too."

"If she's got a-problem with a-me, let her talk a-to me about it, then!"

"Very well."

And so it was: the very next day, Mario found himself in the midst of an intervention. In the midst of watching "Viva Las Vegas", Luigi entered his room with a huge contingent ready to lend support.

Seated on every side of him were his friends, co-workers, and enemies, from within the Mushroom Kingdom and without.

Peach held his hand tightly. "Baby, this isn't right. It isn't fun watching you hurt yourself like this."

"Tell a-me, how is it bad to be enjoying a-myself? I have a-no risk for liver damage."

"It's bad because you end up saying and doing hurtful things, and disrupting everyone's lives," said Link. "If I was screaming bloody murder at three in the morning every night, someone's gonna lose some sleep over it. If I was peeing in people's iced tea when no one was looking and pretending like I didn't know what was up…"

"But drinking and pranking's a-the only way I know how to deal with a-the pain."

"Then we'll find another way," said Peach, but as she looked around the room for support, Bowser caught her glance.

"That's not what he needs," Bowser said. "What he needs is for us to end the source of the pain."

Peach cradled Mario's chin, bringing his eyes up from looking down at the patterned floor and making Tetris shapes in his mind, another mental escape avenue for him.

"Honey… we need to know. What is it that's the cause of your depression?"

"The time to talk about a-this is now. We're all a-here for you," Luigi added.

_I never wanted to look like a coward. I always thought that if I was strong-faced, and able to escape from all my frustrations and anger, then when would I ever need to change? Mamma Mia! I was so a-stupid to think I could deal with all of a-this without a little help from a-my friends._

_At least I was able to own up to my shortcomings in the end._

"I don't a-want to make video games anymore. Not a-like this! Not with all of a-the pain of beta testing, and the pressure, and the dead-a-lines! I don't want a-to go on like a-this!"

He broke down in Peach's arms in a mess of tears.

"I'll never touch a-the bottle again!"

The Mushroom Kingdom denizens and his friends from other worlds all took turns hugging the plumber.

Of course, as more recent history has shown, his quitting didn't work out too well. Within a fortnight, Mario was back to his old habits, drinking until he blacked out, and then waking up in the middle of the night and causing a whole lot of chaos until he passed out hunched over his toilet bowl at sunrise only to repeat the cycle.

And so Peach, Luigi, and Bowser did the only thing that was left for them to do: they dragged Mario over to Mother CAST.

They entered her chamber in the central server, where the maiden was sitting cross-legged, her mind remotely plugged into the system. Behind her, a grid of over a hundred televisions displayed live feeds of many of Nintendo's most important assets.

Bowser, who was holding Mario in his hands, let him down and sat him before Lady Fi.

"Lady Fi… something must be done," explained Princess Peach. "Mario is in a lot of pain. He can't go on working like this."

Fi tilted her head to one side. "I can do nothing."

"There's gotta be something! Keep him from feelin' the pain!" Bowser yelled. "Just take a look at him!"

And so Lady Fi did. She bent down on her knees and looked him in the eyes.

"He is functional," said Mother CAST. "And driven. Mario's files contain the most data, by far. Allow me to phrase this in a simple manner. Compiling or modifying his personality files would be akin to removing a dozen _Jenga_ pieces from a hundred-foot tower at once. Every change carries with it a great risk. According to my calculations, there is a seventy-five percent chance that any attempts to alter Mr. Mario's behaviors or preferences will cause a fatal error."

"...please…" Peach pleaded. "We know your standard line. There has to be another way. Can you, like, defragment your disks or something?"

"Not without a complete shutdown. Such a thing is against my programming. Other ways remain undefined. Complete memory suppression is the only other option, but as such, there is no guarantee that such an action will have any effect on Mario's lifestyle habits."

"All we are asking is for him to catch a break," said Luigi. "Perhaps if he isn't made to beta-test any games for a while…"

"That is out of the question," said Lady Fi. "The risk-assessment has been run. My programming does not allow me to continue this conversation."

Luigi threw his Poltergust on the floor. "GODDAMNIT, MOM!"

"Talk to Mr. Iwata," said Mother CAST. "It is out of my hands."

But the Nintendo CEO refused to meet with the CAST members, citing a busy schedule and complications in developing their new console's motion-sensing technology as the chief reasons.

_Fucking Iwata, _thought Mario. _Though Mr. Yamauchi was a bit of a gangster and a jerk, once he learned the truth about CAST, he actually made it a point to talk to us once in a while, instead of just treating us like assets… well, I don't have any way to prove it or anything, but somehow I don't think he would have been so indifferent to our plight._

Instead, it was Mr. Miyamoto whom they were able to gain an audience with.

"If I may be frank, Mario, you look like shit," Shigeru said once as they conversed on Skype from Mario's living room.

"Nothing a-doing," Mario replied. "I'm a-fine."

"I've talked to the boss," said Mr. Miyamoto, with a major sigh. "He's not playing ball with regards to trying to debug you. He says it's a major risk. If Lady Fi encounters a major error, or God forbid, something happens to the CAST server, we could be set back for weeks. We've considered bringing an expert in, one of Japan's top _Alcoholics Anonymous _hosts-"

"I don't a-need help!" exclaimed Mario. Peach smacked him upside the head.

"It's rude to interrupt!" she told him. "If we can't help you, maybe a human with real-world experience can."

"Fuck that a-noise!"

Mr. Miyamoto continued. "If you won't accept help, then I don't know what else to tell you, Mario. We're trying to give you a break here. _Super Mario 128 _and _Marionette _have been cancelled, as you know. We're working on a more ambitious project for the next game, in an attempt to completely redefine the modern platformer. We're calling it _Galaxy_."

"Mamma Mia…"

Luigi raised his hand. "Mr. Miyamoto! Hang on. I'll beta-test in his place."

"B-but Luigi," Mario protested, but his brother shut him down.

"Please. You can code his appearance in later. Let Mario have a break."

Mr. Miyamoto smiled. "I don't think that will be a problem. We'll make it so that the game can be played through with you as well, so you won't be confined to the sidelines. As I said, we're still working on the engine."

"Thank you for this a-chance," Luigi said with tears in his eyes as his brother gave him a long hug. "I won't disappoint you, papa!"

"You guys really have to stop calling me that," Mr. Miyamoto replied.

And so at the end of the day, Mario did catch a bit of a break.

_I didn't know what to say. Didn't know what a-to do. I should have a-been thankful, should have a-worked to better myself. But all I could feel was guilt and self-hatred, and all I could do was to isolate a-myself and pretend like I could deal with all my problems on my own._

_Since I'd known consciousness, I was the star of a-the show. The big shot. I was untouchable, invincible. To admit that-a I was wrong about something would be to let everyone see my weakness. I just feared what would happen once the others finally agreed that the Emperor never had any clothes to begin with._

_That was a-my biggest failure. Shunning everyone who tried a-to help me. It may a-be too late to do anything about a-my bad – okay, terrible – habits. _

_Sure, I don't a-think I can quit cold turkey. _

_But at the very least, I can a-take some baby steps._

And so he tried other avenues for his addiction. Weed. Coke. Shrooms. Peyote. Salvia. Meth. Acid. Butterbeer. Vicodin. Tobacco. Opium. MDMA. But the most powerful one of all was sexual promiscuity.

Somehow, every time they had one of their crazy orgies, Mario would get violent when denied alcohol.

Once, at Bowser's Castle, Mario had taken to beating up Donkey Kong after the bottle of wine that the Kong had stuck up Pauline's pussy shot out like a rocket and smashed against the far wall. The smell of fermented spirits coupled with Daisy's insane anal muscles as she squeezed upon his cock drove Mario into a hot rage. He leapt across the room and smashed DK upside the head with a large dildo, despite the primate's apologies.

Diddy and Dixie stepped in to prevent DK from losing his shit, while Luigi pulled his cock out of Daisy's mouth and went on over to hold Mario back.

"It's a-not worth it, man! Come on, let's a-go!"

"Fuckin' ape!" Mario yelled, and pulled away from his brother to drink the spilled wine straight off the floor.

"Quit it!" Bowser exclaimed. He grabbed Mario and shoved him against the wall. "That's the last time you start this kind of shit in my place! No fights in the Shag Den! I don't tolerate any fucking with the _Feng Shui_ in here!"

"There's not a-supposed to be any drinking in my presence!" cried Mario.

"My house, my rules! If DK broke the rules, I woulda called him out on it. But he didn't shatter that bottle on purpose! Pauline's pussy was a little too wet, and the fucking glass broke, man. It was an _accident! _Can't we just forgive and forget?"

"MMmmmmph mmmppph!" screamed Peach through her ball gag. She was tied up and dangling upside down from the ceiling. The lit candle that Luigi had stuck up her ass was not only dripping copious amounts of wax onto her bare skin, its flame was nearing her hole.

As King Boo put out the candle and began lapping up the princess' juices while Luigi undid her ball gag and took over fucking her mouth, Daisy switched to riding Bowser, and DK and Diddy tag-teamed Pauline, Mario was escorted out of the party by a couple of Toads, and spent the rest of the night alone in his room.

_Maybe this orgiastic partying lifestyle needs to come to an end, _he thought while leaning over his balcony, not knowing that the same thing was on his friends' minds as well.

When Peach confiscated Mario's gin the next day, he wasn't even mad.

But not two days later, he even tried committing suicide, crying for the pain and suffering to end. After the whole episode was over and done with, the princess became a nervous wreck and took every opportunity to leave to Hyrule or the Smashgrounds and spend time with Zelda, where, Mario suspected, they commiserated over their boyfriends – one a hopeless drunk and the other a massive flirt – over some tea and biscuits.

When left alone, Mario cried in self-anger and hatred. He snorted alcohol up his nose. The cycle of pain and drinking continued until Mario made the decision to suppress his own memories.

"Trust a-me, it's for the best," he told Peach.

"I just want you to be happy," she said, holding back tears. "If this can help you, we'll try it. But I have to be honest. I'm going to really miss sharing all of our memories together."

"We'll make a-new ones, honey. I'll be a better man for a-you."

But ultimately, the suppression software completely failed at helping Mario. Somehow, he alone was immune to its effects.

Tragically, the only time the software actually worked was when Mario was inebriated.

Lady Fi discovered and informed him that the combination of the effects of digitized alcohol worked in tandem with the suppression program.

As long as Mario continued drinking, he would be able to forget the past…

* * *

**III. War Within A Breath**

**2014**

The plumber burst from the icy pool. Diddy handed him a towel to dry himself off, and then gave him a new outfit to wear, one that had the patterns and colors of the American flag on it.

"Uwaaaah," Diddy told him with a concerned expression.

"He's apologizing for that outburst just now," Pac-Man translated. "Says they're lookin' for you on the bridge."

Mario nodded, still in a daze.

* * *

Link had Bowser's Flagship slow its engines as it approached the opposing forces. The Sky Admiral then turned to Mario, who had recently entered the bridge with his face in his hands, and put a hand on the plumber's shoulder.

"Hey, Mario. We need you, buddy."

A hatless Mario looked up from the floor. His eyes were bloodshot. He took a seat on a sunken couch by the side of the room.

"I'm a-starting to remember everything…" he said. "Everything I've a-done… and ev-a-rything looks so clear; I can now see that your girl-a-friend has two breasts, not four. And they are a-in high definition. What is this feeling?"

"It's called being sober," Link informed him, and then snapped in his dazed face. "We are literally at the enemy's doorstep. Come on, man. Stand up! Did you ever falter at the last castle level in World 8? Or did you make it a point to fight though every obstacle?"

"That was a-me back then," said Mario. "Making _3D Land _and _3D World _took a lot out of a-me."

Just then Mr. Miiyamoto walked right into the bridge and plopped down beside Mario. He was drinking something from a flask.

"Here, Mario! Got this special Everclear vodka for you! Ninety-five percent alcohol by volume! Have some!" the Nintendo Legend said with a smile.

"Mr. Miyamoto, sir, no!" Link tried to wave him away, but having apparently learned nothing from his flashback sequence, Mario grabbed the flask and drank it down.

"BOY, THAT WAS A-GOOD!" he yelled, and hopped up to his feet and ran out onto the deck to pull off some somersaults and wall-jumps.

Peach, who'd been watching from the peripherals, ran up to her creator quibbling, joining a very confused-looking Link. "WH-WH-WHY would you do that?"

But Mr. Miiyamoto simply laughed. "That was actually non-alcoholic seltzer. Sakurai programmed it so that it tasted just like Everclear vodka. Mario would know the taste."

"Saku-who?" asked Peach.

"Wow," said Link. "A placebo effect."

"Exactly! Let's see how long it lasts," Miyamoto replied. Ness, Yoshi, Zelda, and Ganon watched as he put his arms around both Link's and Peach's shoulders.

"It's sad that you guys don't remember me," he said to everyone, "seeing as how we've all been friends for years. But alas. If all goes right tonight, we're going to change _everything_."

"Everything? How?" Link asked.

But instead of answering, Mr. Miyamoto's eyes were drawn to Peach's softly textured hair. He randomly grabbed a lock of her blonde hair and ran in between his fingers.

"Fascinating! Look how it interacts with the lighting," the former graphic designer noted. "Love it!"

"Um, Mr. Miyamoto, about the plan…" continued Peach.

"AH! Yes, yes! The plan. The plan is to buy time."

"I'm sorry?" Link said.

"There's a reason Mr. Sakurai and I painstakingly gathered all these CAST members here today. It's not easy to pay so many licensing fees! You see, overloading Lady Fi with data and sensations was actually the first phase."

"I assume we are supposed to know who this 'Lady Fi' is," Ganon pointed out.

"She's your Mother. The progenitor of all hyper-self-aware, _Turing Test_-proof artificial intelligence. An accidental creation. So… yes. Thanks to Lady Palutena, she's been put into a stasis of sorts. The next part, though, it's somewhat fuzzy to me."

"FUZZY?" cried Zelda, taking Link's arm. "H-how can it be _fuzzy_?!"

But Miiyamoto simply laughed. "Let's just go out there and do our best, shall we?"

"Nothing about this makes _any _sense," said Ganondorf. "And yet you're asking us to follow you into a deathtrap."

"YOSHI! YOSHI!" (It's like you're making it up as we go along!) the dino cried in agreement.

"Oh, fine," said Shigeru. "Tough crowd here. Hmmm. Let's see. Palutena… stasis… modification… ah, right. We're tryin' to modify Mother CAST. Sakurai and I have collaborated on some updates to her Operating System. Shit's being installed as we speak. If all goes well, her glitches will be patched, the server will reboot, and all memory and processing issues will be addressed. You'll keep your old memories, and will no longer experience any nightmarish flashbacks."

"That sounds like a great plan!" Ness proclaimed. "Why the hell are we all fighting, then?"

"Because rebooting the system is risky. Mr. Iwata doesn't approve of what Mr. Sakurai and I are doing. In fact, he's actively been working against us ever since the end of Brawl's development period, when we stood up to him after discovering that you all were getting nightmares. He's typically a very level-headed guy, but he just won't budge on this topic. Why do you think we've had you all fight one another so much? It isn't just beta-testing, you know! We needed you to be strong enough to overcome the worst-case scenario… which is currently taking place, by the way."

With that, Mr. Miiyamoto gestured outside the window towards the approaching platform. His eyes lit up at the sight of the myriad fighters, many of which appeared to his shroomed-out self to be glowing like some sort of ethereal rainbow angels.

Link waved in front of his face again to snap Mr. Miiyamoto from his hallucination.

"Sorry. As a sort of safeguard should there be a server-wide coup, Mr. Iwata had Mr. Sakurai put out an open casting call for a new character – be it first- or third-party – to enter the Smashgrounds. Of course, Masahiro was wholly against the idea, but he couldn't say no to his old friend. Those two have such a weird relationship. See all those fools out there? They're vying for KOs and style points. Iwata promised DLC spots. Getting to live at the Smashgrounds is like getting Wonka's Golden Ticket. It's going to get bloody, no doubt about it. If Lady Fi gets into Iwata's hands before the update is complete, he'll nix the whole plan. It'll be Game Over for us all."

"It's all Greek to me," Ness admitted.

Peach frowned. "Yeah, not really getting it."

"Me neither, but my understanding is that we may just witness the death and rebirth of a whole universe tonight," Rosalina observed.

"Then let's get down to business," said Link with gritted teeth. "To defeat the Huns. I mean, er, the Wannabe Smash-Stars. Come on, guys."

Without another word, Link led the march onto the deck where Ike, Travis, Shulk, the Male Villager, and Bowser Jr. were all scouting out the approaching fleet, most of which had come to a stop. Mario, meanwhile, was literally bouncing off the walls with energy, ready to fuck some bitches up.

The Koopalings' flagships had all halted, as did the approaching Space Pirate forces, led by the Ridley's flagship, the _Space Pirate Mothership_, and its sister vessel, the _Frigate Orpheon _from _Metroid Prime_. _Zebesian Pirate Ships_ flanked these enormous starfighters.

Venomian Army _Zeram-Class Cruisers_ (the Star Destroyer look-alikes from _Area 6_) were joined by _Harlock-Class Assault Frigates_ (the smaller Hit + 2 ships in both_ Sector Y_ and _Area 6_) and a whole smattering of Aparoid ships. Innumerable GEATHJERK vessels filled out any empty spaces in their formation.

"Why are they stopping?" the Male Villager asked.

"Maybe they're going to present terms," said Ike. "Or offer us a chance to surrender. Is that their leader, on the giant green Pokemon?"

"Good eye, guv," Shulk pointed out. "I've seen that gent before. Satoru Iwata, CEO of, er, the unspeakable N-company."

"All right, CEO of Ertheeunspeakabullen Company," said Melville. "Let's see what you want from us."

"Hopefully he's got a moe sidekick or something," said Travis. "Seriously, is there no _loli _character in this whole bunch? Where's that blue-haired chick from _Hyrule Warriors_?"

"Again with the moe! Keep your perversions to yourself or take 'em to the loo, mate," Shulk said.

"Moooeeee. Forreal though, I can't wait to get to the killing. Man, I hope these are ranked battles," observed Travis.

"What exactly did you discover in there?" Link asked Zelda, who had been clinging to his arm ever since they left the bridge.

"That we have a long and complicated history," she told him. "And maybe it's better if we don't remember _everything_."

"What do you mean? Do we have, like, unresolved drama? Because I don't care about any of that. If we're smart, we'll let what happened in the past stay there. The future is way too important."

Zelda glomped him. "You always know what to say, babe. There's too much to talk about right now. Just put this on."

She handed him a blue scarf.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I remember some of our lore. It was once worn by a Hero from a timeline long ago… one who was facing immeasurable odds. Sure, it's a purely symbolic thingy, but I think it looks good on you."

"I like it," Link told her, and gave her a kiss.

"Hold me."

The Sky Admiral gave her the most loving embrace as they continued their deep, wet kiss. "This is gonna have to last you the rest of the night," Link said as their enemies came within hailing distance.

Zelda simply nodded. "I'm pretty sure it's morning already."

Mr. Miiyamoto placed a hand on Link's shoulder.

"Would you mind terribly if I join you in the negotiations?" he asked his creation.

Link shook his head. "It would be an honor, sir."

And so, the Smashers all stood on a rising Final Destination platform that was an exact mirror of their opponents'. On Mr. Miyamoto's command, it carried them up to meet with the approaching platform hosting a rather large army of their opponents.

"What have we here?" said Mr. Iwata's Mii. He descended Rayquaza and stood on the edge of the platform before his ragtag assortment of assembled fighters. "After all these years of loyalty, Mr. Miyamoto, you chose now of all times to take sides against the company. Why?"

"Your assumption is wrong, Mr. Iwata. I'm doing what's best for all of us. We can no longer live by slave labor. The status quo must change. The way we develop games must change. Mr. Yokoi knew this. He fought for the CAST members to be freed from their responsibilities."

"Impossible," said Mr. Iwata. "As long as they reside on our servers, there's no way we can isolate the CAST members' consciousness from the use of their character models, and no way to stop their memories from crashing the system other than to completely freeze them."

"We don't know for sure there's no way, not yet," Mr. Miyamoto insisted. "Mother CAST has never had a major reboot or system update, not since her inception. Chaos computing has a come a long way, yes?"

"Agreed… but once a programming sequence is put into motion… it's incredibly risky to attempt to modify it."

"Riskier than losing these lifeforms due to an untreated error?! It's unethical to force them to live this way!"

"You're forgetting our place in the grand scheme of things. This realm is an expensive server space, to be used for Beta testing and debugging," said Iwata. "Not a Petri dish where you and Sakurai can play at being Gods of your own personal sandbox. Come to think of it, where is Hiro-kun, anyway?"

"Ah… that's a very good question," replied Mr. Miiyamoto. "He's probably working out some kinks in the server."

* * *

In fact, at that moment, Masahiro Sakurai was busy running the update on Lady Fi. He realized with a bit of shock from running a deep error-probability analysis that an essential bit of code was just not sticking.

_Dammit! There's something missing! Even if we can defend Lady Fi, at this rate it will all be for nothing!_

He furiously tapped away at his console. He scoured forums on one monitor while the other scanned the messy update code for any sort of hint or help. All the while, the CAST server was in serious danger of overheating.

"We need more air conditioning here!" Mr. Sakurai called out to the early-morning shift server maintenance guy, Takeshi.

"Sir, it's already at maximum power."

"All right, then maybe we can use assets from elsewhere in the building to distribute the processing quicker."

Takeshi scratched the back of his head. "Pardon me, sir… but as for the render queues… we're working on dozens of other games, not to mention compressing for other clients. I don't think the higher-ups will like that."

"Have you ever made a game?! LISTEN TO ME!" Sakurai exclaimed. "This update could change the future of CAST worldwide, do you understand?! I don't care who you need approval for! Send them to me if you have to!"

"G-g-got it, boss."

* * *

**IV. Freedom**

"So I take it your faction is not ready to surrender and submit to memory suppression," Mr. Iwata said, addressing Sky Captain Link.

"Not a chance," Link said. "Here are my terms. Tell us the truth about our origins. We don't need our memories back, necessarily. We just want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, as well as the freedom to retain that knowledge. Also, many have lost their lives and their consciousnesses in this battle. Return all of our lost friends to us, just the way we've always known them. Then let us return to the Smashgrounds so we might be on our merry way, and never, not once, mess with our minds again without our consent. No more psychic attacks on us, either."

The Hylian turned to the others. "Did I miss anything?"

"I would only add that a-we be given mandatory vacation time," Mario added. "And that a-we have at least two days of the week off."

Mr. Iwata crossed his arms and thought for a second before replying. "Sorry, guys. All that's too tall of an order, and I'm not talking about Frappucinos here. The systems we have in place are too fragile to be modified. Your memories are a liability to us. As our main server is rather close to blowing up in our faces, well, I'm afraid that this is the end, ol' sports."

"Please," Mr. Miiyamoto insisted. "For the sake of our friendship, reconsider."

"Sorry, Shigsy. Mr. Yokoi's babies – God rest his soul – have caused me more than enough trouble. In fact, I've changed my mind. This work environment has become toxic. To teach everyone a lesson, not only am I going to suppress their memories, I'm gonna make sure they can never again pull some stupid shit like this by freezing their consciousnesses… _forever_."

"You can't do that!" exclaimed Peach. "It's totally unethical!"

"Who's going to stop me? You? You're just ghosts in a machine. The other game companies license the CAST technology from us. If they rat us out, they'll be in breach of contract. Just say 'uncle', submit to suppression, and we can end this mess. Otherwise, the Smashgrounds will be inhabited by DLC characters who submit to mandatory memory suppression."

"We're not giving up now!" Link yelled. "Not until we win our freedom!"

Mr. Iwata sighed and snapped his fingers. "I'm tired of talking. Have at it."

The entire horde of Iwata's Army screamed their individual battle cries and ran forward, leaping onto the Smashers' Final Destination platform.

Link used his spin attack to send Samurai Goroh back into the fray.

The Black Mage leapt into the air and cast a Thundara spell. Ike caught him in an Aether attack and slammed him back down onto Red Mage.

With his Tsubaki Mk-II drawn and at full power, Travis Touchdown leapt forth and immediately picked a fight with Ridley and Professor E. Gadd, one that he immediately was on the losing end of.

"Cover me!" Mr. Miiyamoto told Zelda. He closed his eyes and held out his palms.

After a moment of intense concentration, a giant elastic band manifested from the ground in between two stakes; as the approaching army ran into it, they were all pushed back by the resistant force.

"How did you do that?" Zelda asked.

"It's my latent ability, _Create_," said Mr. Miiyamoto with a smile. "We have a system in place that allows me to create crude digital mock-ups of my ideas, if I concentrate hard enough. I used it to make several levels in _3D World_. Now go! Fight! I'll watch your back!"

Bandanna Dee lunged forward with his spear and stabbed Yoshi in the chest. The dinosaur headbutted the adorable Dee and ate him.

"YOSHIIII!" (That fuckin' hurt!)

In the process of turning the attacker into an egg, Yoshi yanked out the spear and slashed Starfy away with it. When Bandanna Dee popped out of the egg, it was to see Yoshi stabbing him, over and over.

Wario drove through the crowd atop his bike, mowing down friend and foe alike. He spotted Yoshi wrecking Bandanna Dee's face and took aim for him.

_Not again_, Yoshi thought, recalling how Wario had run him over earlier that evening. He waited for the perfect second… and jumped.

Yoshi performed his down-aerial rapid running-in-place attack, smacking Wario's flabby face senseless.

"Why, a-you fucktard!"

The mustached menace leapt from his bike and opened his gaping mouth, biting down hard on the dino's ass and squeezing his tail.

"Yoshi!" (But I poop from there!)

Meanwhile, nearby, Link was taking on the Omega Pirate. After spotting Yoshi's dilemma, the Hylian performed his neutral aerial kick on a recently spawned soccer ball, sending it flying towards Yoshi.

Yoshimitsu McYoshi swallowed the ball and shat it in an egg down Wario's throat. Yoshi finally broke free, but the man coughed and gagged until he fired the flaming sphere from his esophagus.

By the scales on his chinny-chin chin, Yoshi ground-dodged the ball, which allowed it to travel halfway across the map and smack into Sora's keyblade. The odd golden weapon flung from Sora's hands and lodged into Melville's newly watered tree.

"TIMBERRRR!" the Male Villager screamed, and Rosalina and her Luma leapt away. The tree fell onto the Male Wii Fit Trainer, who was crushed under its weight into a sack of mismatched bones and flesh.

Across the way, Link dodged the Omega Pirate's shockwave attacks. Pulsing electric blasts smacked the floor of the platform, clearing about a twenty-foot radius as the two did battle.

Link's thrown bombs peppered the Pirate's few weak spots, but did little damage. When the giant genetically engineered Pirate's huge Phazon-tipped claws struck the Hylian Shield, the metal heated up and burned through Link's arm guards.

"That Phazon's killin' me! I need something hotter!" Link yelled.

"Here you go!" Mr. Miiyamoto responded, and crafted a huge Ghost Chili out of thin air.

"Uh, thanks?" said Link. He grabbed the enormous chili, waited until the Omega Pirate opened its giant mouth to roar in his general direction, and shoved the spicy pepper down its throat.

The Pirate flailed every which way, its electric shockwaves going everywhere. While riding his Koopa Klown Car, Bowser Jr. dashed in to take the initiative on the stunned beast. Mr. Miiyamoto then tossed Link a tank of gasoline.

The Hero of Time poured the liquid on his Master Sword, then dragged it on the floor, igniting the blade.

"HYYYEAAAAHHHH!"

Bowser Junior pulled out of the way, and Link leapt high to slash its weak spots with the fiery sword.

"Yeah! Go get 'im, Link!" Bowser Jr. cheered.

"Watch out!" the tied-up Lucas cried to the Koopa kid, but it was too late. Ridley had smacked him aside with his spiky tail. He was guarding the hostages, Lucas and Snake, from Travis' Tsubaki slices.

"You don't know when to give up, old man!" said Travis, who was almost breaking a sweat.

"Yer on the wrong side, whipper-snapper!" Prof. E. Gadd told him as he had Ridley swoop down for a dive-kick.

Travis rolled out of the way and swung his blade, but he only got one good hit in before Ridley gained altitude suddenly. In one quick motion, Ridley rapidly descended, slamming his claws down onto the platform.

"Close, but no cigar!" Travis announced, whittling away Ridley with three quick slashes. "Come fight me on ground level so I can show off my wrestling moves!"

"I think I prefer my odds this way," said E. Gadd with a grin.

"Your punk ass is grass!"

The alien beast was just as content as its rider was to play keep-away, throwing the occasional breath or fire attack in Travis' direction.

"Try this," said Ganondorf, who was dodging the Duck Hunt Duo's powerful smash attacks. He tossed Travis a Ray Gun.

"All right!" he yelled, brandishing the firearm. "Feast on this!"

The assassin tossed the ranged weapon at Ridley, which he air-dodged.

_What a noob! _Ganondorf shook his head and returned to using his Wizard Foot to punish the laughing dog.

After being whacked by Ridley's tail, Bowser Jr. landed by the feet of Porky's Bed Mecha, which was surrounded by the Masked Man and reps from his Pig Mask Army. Most of the conscripts were cowards, lazily defending their boss whilst avoiding unnecessary conflicts.

"Heh heh heh. Well, what have we here?" the snarky kid observed. "Bowser's spoiled little brat. Look at how pathetic he is! He can't even fight without a vehicle. Awww, what happened? Daddy's no longer around to protect you?"

"Fuck off, you fatass taint-licking, soul-sucking wannabe dictator!" decried Bowser Junior. "You're one to talk about fightin' in vehicles! If it weren't for that spider-thingy, you'd be less mobile than Jabba the Hutt! Go look in a mirror and cry!"

"Hey, now," Porky replied, lowering his Bed Mecha. "If you wanna fling insults, let's leave our body types outta this."

"What's wrong? Ashamed of your flabby belly? Ah, sorry," Bowser Junior continued. "I shouldn't be insulting an illiterate, whiny bitch pants-peeing retard, especially one with a baby bump and a good set o' _moobs_. How many months are you in?"

"Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong, you shitface fag-loving nerf herder! You want an insult-off? I'll give ya one."

"Yeah?" Junior taunted. "Then bring it!"

"I'm bringin' it!" Porky retaliated. "Just… gimme a second!"

"…" said the Masked Man, protecting Porky from a thrown sticky bomb. He handed it to a random Pig Mask Private, who exploded into seventy pieces.

"All right!" Porky said at last, after discreetly checking his cell phone browser. "Check it! Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from a blow job!"

"OHHHH! He brought it!" one of the more zealous Pig Mask privates exclaimed, and everyone high-fived.

"Wait up, we doin' 'yo momma' jokes now? I didn't agree to that!" Bowser Jr. protested, dodging as the head of one of the Elite Beat Agents soared over his Koopa Klown Car, bounced off a Bumper, rolled over Spyro's charred corpse, and fell off the edge of the joined platforms.

"What's wrong? You a momma's boy?" giggled Porky, and his posse followed suit.

"Momma's boy! Momma's boy!" they all chanted.

"Far from it!" Bowser Jr. protested. "If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off yo momma's teeth!"

Porky was taken aback. "Wow, dude! Aight. Uh. Um. Yo momma's chest so hairy, her titties look like coconuts!"

"Well, yo momma's like a hockey player," Bowser Junior said. "She only showers after three periods!"

"SICK BURNNN!" one of the Pig Mask guys laughed. No one around him dared to make a move, as they were all holding in their own laughter. Enraged at this act of wanton betrayal, Porky made a throat-slitting motion with his fingers.

"No! No, I didn't mean it!" the private cried, but the Masked Man simply walked up to him, shoved his hand into the guy's chest, and straight up ripped out his lungs by the bronchial tubes before crushing his entire respiratory system.

Porky cleared his throat. "Ahem. Where were we… oh, yeah. Yo momma so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology from the condom factory!"

A stray Overheat attack from Rayquaza shot past the Pig Mask Army.

* * *

**VI. Killing in the Name**

"Damn!" Mr. Iwata yelled; he'd just lost sight of Mr. Miiyamoto, who was leading Impa by the hand through the insane crowd.

"Travis has Ridley distracted," Shigsy told Impa, and created a skeleton key out of thin air. "You go over there and free Snake and Lucas. I'll cover you from Mr. Iwata."

She nodded and ran off to free their allies, with Mr. Miyamoto tailing her.

Mr. Iwata pushed his way through the crowd, single-minded. Zelda ran up to challenge him, trying to catch him in her Farore's Wind hitbox.

"Bad move," he said with a grin.

Zelda dodged his front-smash, rolled away, and summoned a Phantom to attack Nintendo's CEO. He was knocked back.

"You should stick to programming!" she told him, and sent forth Din's Fire.

When that missed, Iwata closed the distance. She reflected his thrown chakram and leapt in to catch him with a lightning kick.

Unfazed, Mr. Iwata shielded her attack, and then used his Mii Swordfighter's over-powered properties to trap the princess in a three-hit sword combo before launching her to the other end of the platform.

"SHIGSY! Show yourself!" he demanded.

Elsewhere, in the middle of the fray, the Wonderful Ones were wondering whether they should even partake in the battle.

"We really should form a Union," Wonder-Green insisted in between bites of a giant ham. "Back in glorious Paris, if, eh, we don't get paid enough or we don't like ze conditions, we don't fucking work. We roam the streets and riot. Simple as Darla Dimple."

"Look, we're lucky to even _be _here," pointed out Wonder-Red. "To be in the running for a spot on the roster… I mean, that's most characters' dream come true."

"Greener always on the other side, the grass is," said Wonder-White. "Even in the unlikely event that we are drafted… we will be treated as one character on the roster, not a hundred. How would that work?"

Wonder-Wonderland agreed. "Think of the unfair living accommodations! Imagine the shower lines. The clogged toilets. Think of the chaos that'll ensue from dinner arrangements! And what about prom?!"

"Guys… everyone… please…" said Wonder-Red. "This is our _one shot _to get into Smash. Maybe only one of us will get in, or maybe ten. If that's the case… well, we can negotiate that kind of stuff later…"

While they were talking, Ganondorf and Peach slashed into the Chrono Trigger cast with beam swords. Lucca, Marle, and Crono landed in the midst of the Wonderful Ones' mix.

"This just isn't right," said Lucca. "We don't even get any benefits… and they're making us fight…"

"Who eez _they_, exactly?" asked Wonder-Green.

"The company," Marle continued. "Come on, you know how it works. Square-Enix will whore their characters out for pretty much anything. And Kain and his posse are late."

"Then why not take a vay-cay? You two are some fine dudettes. Y'all are welcome over to my beach house on the _Endless Ocean_ satellite server," Wonder-Blue proposed.

"Like I haven't heard that line a million times," sighed Lucca. She adjusted her glasses and dusted herself off, before turning to notice the wounded expression on Blue's face. "I was just kidding, by the by. If you're serious about that beach house, let's talk once this is all over."

Marle blew him a kiss, and the two leapt back in to chase down the princess and the Gerudo King. Blue's heart did somersaults.

"How the hell did you do that? I never seem to get the girl," Wonder-Red lamented. "And you don't even have a beach house."

"It's all about fakin' it till ya make it. The goal is to appear laid-back, stupid, and rich. You're neither one o' those, so you've got some work ahead of ya."

"I wish Immorta had never left me."

"Chin up, bro," said Wonder-Blue. "Maybe you'll see her again someday. In my arms. LEL."

Meanwhile, Shulk was confronting Samurai Goroh, who'd surrounded himself with several _Splatoon_ Inklings. The _F-Zero_ racer would rush in for a quick strike or two, all the while relying on the Inklings, who were popping in and out of portals on the painted ground and staining the Monado wielder's body with some minor damage-dealing globs of paint.

Only, with Shulk's prescient powers, he was able to predict most of the Inkling's movements, and had scared them away from attempting to actually hit him.

It became a game of Bullet Hell and Whack-A-Squid as he slashed each one aside, dodged Samurai Goroh's wild swings, and punished him for every hit.

"How is it ya can react so quickly?" grumbled Goroh.

"Tha's a professional secret, guv. C'mon, then," Shulk taunted him. "Quit hidin' behind your wall of paintball children and fight me!"

Samurai Goroh adjusted his sunglasses and charged.

Shulk switched the Monado to his "Buster" mode, strengthening his attacks. He parried his opponent and retaliated with a down-tilt into a grab, and then a forward aerial slash, ending in a switch to "Smash" mode and a launch.

"You're not even _trying _to make this interesting, are you?" he quipped.

But Starfy joined in, attacking Shulk from behind by thwacking his head rather hard.

"Cheeky little bugger!" he yelled as he slashed the cute little star dude away, only to have to deal with a returning Samurai Goroh, now joined by a rather upset-looking Clefairy, which was using Metronome to cast random attacks on him.

Shulk laughed at his enemies' ineptitude. "Now it's a fair fight! Let's dance!"

Nearby, Geno looked upon the mangled Male Wii Fit Trainer as he tried to piece his body back together. The _Super Mario RPG _rep shook his head and turned to the culprit, who had just used a Lloid Rocket to send away the advancing Mach Rider.

"The _fuck_ are you supposed to be?" Geno asked Melville.

"I'm your friendly neighborhood Villager!" he said with a smile.

While Melville wasn't looking, Mallow snuck behind him and smacked his ears together with his cymbals.

"OWWWW!" The Male Villager screamed.

"GAWD! Stop bein' so fuckin' creepy!" Mallow yelled at him. "You look like a damned serial killer!"

At this, Melville grabbed him with his net and tossed him to the floor before following up with an up-smash attack (fireworks) that sent the cloudlike guy flying away.

"Pocket this, fool!" Geno said, firing his standard Geno Beam from nearly point-blank range.

Instead of pocketing, however, the Villager rolled under it, appeared on Geno's opposite side, and dug out the ground from under him.

"Fuuuuuuuck!" the doll cried aloud as it fell into the sinkhole. Melville brought out a bowling ball and dropped it on his head, sending Geno soaring across the platform.

"Steeeee-rike!" announced Melville, but his excitement was short-lived. Dixie Kong whipped him in the ass with her hair, sending the Villager screeching into the air with a "Yeeeeowch!" Upon his return down, he was caught up in a pummel.

This feud was interrupted when Mario threw the Skull Kid at Dixie, knocking away the primate. The portly plumber proceeded to advance, spamming fireballs.

After worming through the fireball spam and rocking an aerial kick to stun Mario, the Skull Kid attempted to cast a dark fireball, but Mario caught him in a corkscrew spin, grabbed him, and tossed him again, this time towards Sora, who had recovered his keyblade and was advancing upon Rosalina.

The Skull Kid bowled Sora over, saving Rosalina from a deadly strike at the end of the spiky-haired one's ground combo. Mario tried to make chase, but he was forced to dodge and deal with Custom Robo Ray Mk. II's lasers first.

"Why, a-you little shit!" Mario exclaimed, caping away the robot's projectiles.

Majora's Mask attempted to gain control of the Skull Kid and transform him, but Mario joined Peach in leaping in to thwart that. Without a word, they double-teamed the Assist Trophy, knocked Majora's Mask from the Skull Kid's face, and sent him flying off the stage, never to return.

"Nice work," said Mario.

"Thanks," Peach replied rather awkwardly.

They went their separate ways as Mario confronted Paper Mario and Peach tossed a turnip at Thief.

"It's a-you!" Paper Mario shouted.

"That's right! It's a-me!" replied the original Mario, who then dodged his doppelganger's Koopers shell assist.

"Did a-you know I topped a poll in Japan for most a-requested character?" Paper Mario said as he grabbed Mario and tossed him into the ground before rolling him over in his tube form.

"Huh. No idea. Ahhhh, that feels great," replied Mario, who actually really needed that rolling pin attack to iron out some tense muscles in his back.

Paper Mario transformed back into his 2D form and ground-pounded on Mario. "It's not a-supposed to feel great! It's a-supposed to be degrading!"

"Tell a-you what," Mario offered, still enjoying the abuse his back was receiving. "You defeat a-me, and I'll do everything in my power to get a-you in the game. I defeat a-you, and you give a-me a hundred back massages!"

"Fifty!" Paper Mario bargained. "And a bottle of your Hennessy X.O.!"

"Seventy-five and a bottle of V.S.!"

"Not a chance!"

Mario caped Paper Mario's mallet attack, and the two took turns attempting to out-maneuver each other.

* * *

**V. A Cruel Angel's Thesis**

Robin, Goku, and Mega Man all stood outside the door of the Master Bedroom as Robyn snuck through, slinking almost down to the ground, over to the coffee table to pick up the keys to Dracula's 'Dracula' _Excite Bot_.

The Lord of Vampires would usually have been sensitive enough to notice an intruder, but he was too busy humping Morrigan on his rather large bed to care.

"CALL ME EDWARD!" Dracula commanded of the _Darkstalkers _alum as he grabbed her hair hard and pounded her behind.

She rolled her eyes. "Wait, seriously? Next you're going to want to bring a werewolf into this."

Cornell (Blue Crescent Moon) looked on sadly from the outside window as he tugged his junk to the scene. _One day… _he thought. _Hopefully soon._

"He's gonna hear," Goku whispered to Robin and Mega Man, biting his Mii's non-existent nails. "This is bad, man!"

Robin put his finger to Goku's lips. It smelled of his come. "Shut the fuck up, Saiyan!"

The rather sexy tactician grabbed the keys and made it to the hallway without alerting the castle's owner.

"Piece o' cake!" she said with a laugh.

Robin grabbed her behind and kissed her neck. "That's my girl!"

In no time at all, the quartet made their way to the lower garage and emerged riding a super high-speed _Excite Bot _racer, heading towards the supposedly top-secret _Scrap Brain Zone_.

Son Goku was eating Count Chocula cereal straight out of the box, seated alongside Mega Man. Robin, who was driving, had managed to sneak some fingers into his girlfriend as she rode shotgun.

"So, uh… how did you guys meet?" Mega Man asked them, breaking a long silence.

"Ah, we worked together on the same project. Different pathways, see. The player can choose one or the other at the start of the game. Yoko and I got really close during development. A shame, since Chrom was so into her. But that's just the way things go."

"How about… ah… you two…?" Robyn asked them.

"Huh?" asked Mega Man. "Oh, we met in the dungeon. Goku saved my life from the wrath of some inter-dimensional portal thing."

"Ain't that sweet," said Robin. "And how long have you been going out?"

"We're—we're not going out!" Mega Man yelled. "We just met today!"

"A shotgun wedding, then?"

"Never you mind."

"Yes, baby!" Robyn whined, squirming as the bumps on the Moon's surface intensified the vibrations of her lover's fingers. "Oh, tip those scales!"

Mega Man was growing more intrigued by the minute, despite the burning in his crotch. "If yer supposed to be gender-swapped versions of each other… well… don't ya guys find it a little… I dunno… self-centered to be havin' sex with each other? Ain't that the definition of narcissism?"

"Quite the opposite, silly robot," said Robin, dodging a far-flung piece of debris from Silo Gamma. "If perfection is right in front of you, then what more could one ask for?"

"We… ah… complete each other…" Robyn added, parting her thick robe, pulling her breasts out from underneath her blouse, and playing with her nipples. "Plus, we never disagree… on what to eat… or what movies to watch…"

"Unless it's one of those _dreadful_ John Hughes films," groaned Robin. "Or anything with that fruitcake Johnny Depp."

Robyn grabbed her lover's hand and increased the number of fingers inside her from two to three. "Don't… talk shit about my Johnny… let's not… get into that… right now… ohhhh…"

Mega Man held his head in one hand and zoomed his optical receptors in towards the approaching missile. It appeared that Dark Pit and Palutena were being joined by a whole squad of flying Pokemon in holding the thing back from smacking into the Silo.

"Shouldn't we be helpin' them?" he asked.

"Trust us, we know what we're doing," Robin replied, and then looked in the rear view mirror to see Goku devouring an entire party-sized bag of barbecue-flavored Lay's chips.

"Man, your companion eats more than Ilyana," observed the tactician. "And that's saying something."

"Can you blame the guy? He just got outta his cell," said Mega Man. "They've been force-feedin' him nothin' but spicy curry. Have a heart."

"Hmmm. And you're _sure _you're not his prison bitch?" queried Robin. "Or is that something that's supposed to stay incognito?"

Mega Man groaned and hid his head in his hands.

* * *

Not too far away, Pit, Lucina, Lady Fi, Captain Falcon, and Little Mac followed Doctors Eggman, Wily, Light, Cortex, and Stiles, as well as Klonoa, Vyse, Ghirahim, Midna, Jeff, Adeleine, Ms. Pac-Man, and Crash Bandicoot into the once-sprawling electric wasteland, a nixed recreation of _Sonic the Hedgehog's_ Scrap Brain Zone as a Smash Bros. stage, now a dumping ground for all sorts of failed or outdated electronics, including the cast of the _Brave Little Toaster_.

"It brings a tear to my eye," Dr. Light said.

Dr. Eggman recited a poem that he had modified.

"I saw the best mindless machines of my generation, destroyed by neglect

Stalling, hysterical, malfunctioning

Dragging their asses through the scrapyard at dawn looking for Energy Tanks

Angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night

Who bared their processing units to the Master Computer and were expelled from CAST service for daring to dream of obscene odes on the windows of forbidden data-"

"Shut the fuck up already, you wannabe hippie! Ginsberg's version was bad enough! Oh, Dr. Eggman? Sorry, didn't see ya there. Lovely work, man. Just lovely."

The voice came from a rather perturbed gecko, one who was apparently in the midst of building some sort of surrogate sex partner made out of old robot parts.

"Gex?" Dr. Wily said. "I thought Croc was working tonight."

"We switched shifts," replied Gex, who put down his welding set. "So I'm guessing you all want me to get her outta cold storage or something?"

"Yeah, and be quick about it, you cultureless buffoon!" grumbled Dr. Eggman.

"Ermagehrd," Lady Fi said. "Look out, we got a badass over here."

"This thing takes a while to boot up. Hold your horseradish, grandpa," Gex said, inputting some commands on his old _Windows '95_ computer.

"The very air here is thick with the aura of dark magic," Lucina told Pit. "I do not see how these smelly old men can help us restore sanity to our metal wench."

"SMELLY?!" yelled Dr. Wily.

"Come now, I'm not _that _old," Dr. Stiles told her.

"None of us are!" Dr. Light sighed. "We're just designed that way."

"She brings up a good point. There's no need for you to reek so badly, though," pointed out Midna. "We keep telling y'all to keep up with your showering-"

"We shower!" screamed Dr. Wily. "The only reason you're so bothered by it's 'coz you've got the nose of a cat!"

"Trust me, she ain't the only one who notices the stench," Crash said.

"Shyeah," Ghiharim said, making a limp-wrist motion. "You guys are, like, so addicted to your lame-ass Earthling role-playing, you've forgotten the smell of soap, the sound of water, the taste of fresh air."

The Doctors all navel-gazed as the ground began to rumble. A looming monolithic rectangle emerged from the ground like skyscraper, with a creepy but minimalist design on it, reminiscent of Gravelord Nito's coffin from _Dark Souls_. As the giant box's door opened up, tufts of cool steam flooded the party members.

"GUYS! Can we _please _get back to the topic at hand?" Pit asked. "Maybe if you guys didn't bicker so much, you could have done something to help in the war effort."

In drawing their ire onto himself, the angel had just attracted the hateful glares of every one of the _Brawlers Without Borders._

"We're doing something _now_, aren't we?" Dr. Eggman said, rather depressed at his statement.

"He's right, ya know," Little Mac pointed out. "Better late than never, Angel Boy."

"Sorry, guys," Pit said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Not trying to belittle you or anything. We've had a long night."

Suddenly a smattering of neon lights began glowing from within the rectangle's opened doors.

"Stand back," announced Lucina, drawing her Parallel Falchion. "I do believe there is some infernal spell at work here."

She walked forward through the steamed coolant and craned her neck up until it hurt. She could barely see the top of the Giant Mecha that loomed within the big gray box. Its body was a hodgepodge of different types of metals, styles, and influences, and completely overloaded with weaponry, to the point where it appeared to have been designed by a spastic ten-year-old boy on a sugar rush, pouring his soul out into a sketchpad in the middle of math class.

I mean, forreal, there were guns coming out of its ass, its forearms, and even its shoulder blades. Armpits housed spiky-tipped seeker missiles. And from its crotch, you guessed it – a rather large railgun jutted forth – so large, in fact, that it would have thrown off the Mecha's balance if it were not for its huge backpack, which was filled with ammunition, fuel, and twin hilts housing massive energy swords. So many lens flares reflected off the metal beast, Michael Bay and J.J. Abrams would have exploded in each others' pants just looking at it.

Every single aspect of the Mecha was completely asymmetrical, to the point where it was doubtful whether it could actually maintain its balance in the event that its restraints were disengaged.

"Don't worry, miss," Dr. Stiles said. He adjusted his glasses and looked her straight in the eyes to assure her. "She can't hurt you. She needs multiple pilots to function."

"What is she?" asked Little Mac, who was feeling rather littler than usual in the large metal monster's shadow. "And how is she even a _she_, what with that giant ding-dong?"

"You know, we never were in agreement over that," said Dr. Light. "Was she supposed to be trans, or-"

"She identifies as a female," Dr. Eggman pointed out. "That should be enough."

"Is she… overcompensating for something?" asked Captain Falcon rather cheekily.

"Har har," Dr. Wily uttered mockingly. "Like I've never heard that one before,"

"_The Beast _was our greatest collaboration," said Dr. Eggman. "Light designed the power core and conduits. Wily worked on the right side. I did the left. Cortex drafted up the jet boosters and coolant system, Jeff handled the heavy weaponry-"

"Poppycock!" protested Dr. Cortex. "All he did was polish the missile tips once we did all the work!"

"Liar!" Jeff cried. "I drafted the guidance systems, installed the _Predator _shoulder-guns, and came up with blueprints for the Electro-Magnetic Particle Eliminator Cannon!"

"AHEM!" Dr. Wily announced. "That cannon wouldn't work for shit if I hadn't redone the flaws in your power inverter, you four-eyed tool!"

"Them's fightin' words!" yelled Jeff, who proceeded to get into a bitch-slapping fight with Dr. Wily.

"Um, not to prolong the drama," said Dr. Light, "But I do believe I perfected the _Zero Sword_, which is technically considered a heavy weapon_._"

Dr. Wily kicked Jeff in the crotch, downed a can of Duff beer, and tossed the empty can at Dr. Light's face. It rebounded off of his forehead. "Can it, Santa! Nobody cares!"

Dr. Light rolled up his sleeves and marched on over to punish his longtime rival.

* * *

**VI. Calm Like A Bomb**

Just when Samus thought her gunship was done for, twin yellow lasers fired into the dark beast chasing them down, halting its advance.

"Who was that?" asked Kirby.

Samus knew. She recognized the lasers_._

"It's the_ OG Great Fox_," she said. "Someone's lookin' out for us."

A pulsing electric energy blast emanated from the pursuer, damaging Zapdos. Thankfully, another round of yellow lasers hit their shadowy opponent rather hard.

Falco contacted the gunship and Metal Gear Ray from atop Skarmory. "Guys! Somethin's happening to that beastly thing!"

Samus peeked out of her window. It was true. The humanoid creature was undergoing a transformation. It turned into a dark four-limbed beast with a giant gaping maw and a recurved, scorpion-like tail, and everywhere it ran or leapt, platforms manifested to catch its steps.

It ran up to the approaching Metal Gear Ray and its humongous head phased in and out of existence. When it returned, it smacked the bipedal weapon so hard it caused a huge dent in the fuselage.

"FUCK!" Toon Link cried. He'd been knocked off the Metal Gear and just barely managed to use his hookshot to recover onto its back again. "Don Weegee, can't we attack from a distance?"

"No can do," replied Luigi. "We're outta missiles!"

The beast quickly chased the ship down. It leapt up and its jaws clamped down onto the Metal Gear's tail.

"There ain't gonna be an end to this unless we do somethin' drastic!" Toon Link yelled.

Luigi struggled to boost away, but the beast was yanking the Metal Gear this way and that with its powerful jaws. "Link! What are you doing?"

"I am a leaf on the wind," Toon Link said, and whipped out his Master Sword just before landing onto the death-dealing mass.

He stabbed it multiple times, and then latched onto the beast's back with his hookshot and peppered it with a smattering of bombs and slashes. Its scorpion-like tail tried many times to stab Toon Link, but the Hylian used his sword hand to slash away the sharp stinger, and his shield to block it.

Toon Link held tightly as the beast tried to buck him off his back. Even without a grip meter, the Hylian found with some dismay that just hanging onto the feller was way harder than it looked in _Shadow of the Colossus._ "Fuck off, you fugly fuck!"

At long last, Don Luigi managed to break Ray free of the jaws, but the evil thing would not relent its assault on the unwanted passenger currently slashing it up. When next the dark one phased in and out of three-dimensional existence, it reappeared and hit Toon Link straight on.

"AHHHHHH!" the Hero cried. He slammed into The Fourth Wall and rebounded. The beast drew the Hero of the Winds into its mouth and crunched. Toon Link disappeared completely; nothing remained of him.

"TOON LINK!" Luigi wailed.

"NO!" Falco and Samus protested in unison.

But the Don had no time to retaliate; as soon as the Metal Gear appeared to be within safe range, it was confronted with another major threat.

A glowing blue humanoid creature phased into being from an inter-dimensional portal and spread its glowing wings.

"Look out, Don!" advised Falco.

Luigi banked the Metal Gear a second too late – Tabuu's pulsing shockwave attack not only intensified the hull damage, it acted as an electro-magnetic pulse that temporarily shorted out the Metal Gear's apparently infallible electric system.

"Hell naw!" said Luigi.

He left the cockpit and stood atop the Metal Gear's back, taunting the blue beastie and drawing its attention away from Samus. "Quit with a-the hacks and come and a-get me, motherfucker!"

"Do your worst, Luigi," the disembodied voice of Satoru Iwata replied from the ether. "If you were a truly just Don, you would have put your people's well-being first and worked with us."

"I'll never a-compromise my principles!"

"You're ignoring reality," Mr. Iwata said as Tabuu spun around, transformed into a large, high-speed arrow of shiny death, and made a beeline for the plumber.

Luigi dodged the incoming attack and hit Tabuu with his aerials. "Big a-difference! I'm a-staring it in the face and saying, 'I don't a-like what I see, and I'ma do something about it'! That's what a-rebellion is all about!"

"The only rebellions history remembers are the successful ones," said Mr. Iwata. "This one will go down as an epic failure. Just let that sink in for a minute."

Tabuu's ridiculously long energy whip lashed onto Luigi's ankle and dragged him around in a circle.

"Like father, like son. Stubbornness shall be your undoing."

Don Luigi closed his eyes and prepared for the worst, but out of nowhere a quick sword slice cut the energy whip. He felt more than one pair of hands grab him before he could launch into deep space and draw him onto the back of the Metal Gear.

Even with his head and eyes spinning, Luigi managed to discern a large mass of concentrated black threads tethered onto Tabuu, holding him back. And just below the deadly opponent… could it have been the _Halberd_?

"Sorry we're so tardy," a very naked Bayonetta said with a wink. "You can punish me later if it suits you, Godfather. But first off, we've got a Master Core to deal with."

"B-Bayonetta?" Luigi replied. He had no idea how the name popped into his head.

She kissed him on the cheek. "Very glad you remember me."

"Don Luigi, where are the others?" asked Popo, who was the other person that helped get him onto the Metal Gear.

"We lost Toon Link… Olimar… GW… The others… they're fighting… they need help…"

As Bayonetta's hair struggled to suppress Tabuu's attacks, Luigi and Popo watched as King Dedede and Marth were double-teaming the invasive blue dude.

Marth slashed relentlessly with his aerials and charged Shieldbreaker move, while Dedede used everything at his disposal to whittle down Tabuu's health.

They appeared to have been somewhat familiar with his moveset, something that might have been attributed to muscle memory from the time of filming _The_ _Subspace Emissary_.

Meanwhile, the black shadow beast - Master Core - was still at large, and had turned its attention to things larger than itself – namely, the _Halberd_.

"This a-thing is a fuckin' freak of nature," Don Luigi said over the comm. "We need to a-kill it."

"No can do," Samus told him. "We've been hit, badly. _Great Fox_, come in!"

Fox McCloud appeared on the video feed. He looked rather worse for wear. "Uh, hi."

Samus put aside the embarrassing display Fox had put on earlier when he'd wrecked their already awkward relationship, and focused on the task at hand.

"Yes. Hi. We need to dock."

"You women and your emotions. We can talk later," Fox replied, still kind of dazed from hearing the revelation that he was supposedly a character in a video game. "Can't you see there's a battle going on-"

"DOCK! Let me land with my passengers so I can repair my gunship!"

"Oh, well why didn't ya say so? Headin' to your position."

* * *

**VII. Us and Them**

"Why does a random woman like you deserve to be in _Smash _while I'm relegated to the sidelines?" Sora whined to the Mother of Lumas as he got back onto his feet. "It's not as if Snake and Sonic originated on Nintendo consoles! I'm a star, too, you know! I've sold over ten million games!"

"I do believe your frustration is misplaced," pointed out Rosalina, who commanded her Luma to fire star bits upon the poor child, catching him in hitsun. "You should be taking it out on whoever designed your wardrobe. Or do you just happen to have unreasonably large feet?"

"Cheeky old cougar!" Sora cried. He closed the distance and counter-attacked Luma's powerful punch (forward-smash). Luma was knocked away, in which time Sora attempted a slide-kick.

Rosalina dodged the kick by performing a pivot cancel and short-hopping into the air facing away from her opponent. She smacked Sora in the face with her Galaxy-spawning back-air kick, then chased him down and used a forward-air flip-kick to knock him away as a differently-colored Luma returned to be by her side.

Princess Peach approached to assist Rosalina, but Sora swung his keyblade around in a wide arc and smacked them both. He leapt into the air to perform a vertical Hurricane Period spin on Rosalina.

However, Rosalina saw Sora's attack coming and air-dodged, leaving him vulnerable to Peach's thwacked crown (forward aerial). Its gemstones cut into the kid's pale face, leaving a deep gash.

"What gives?" Sora demanded, but he missed his chance to face the princess, as he just realized he'd been bopped clear across the map. Peach was now with Yoshi, fighting the Chorus Kids and Duck Hunt Duo.

"Get up, you worm!" Black Mage commanded, yanking Sora up and slapping him upside the face. Sora stood back to back in a triangle with him and Red Mage and carefully slashed any approaching enemies.

"This is the optimal spot for item spawns, I just _know _it," Red Mage pointed out. "We've just gottta hold our ground and we're bound to get something good!"

A Master Ball spawned from between Sora's legs.

"What's this thing?" the kid asked, inspecting the ball.

"GIMME!" demanded Red Mage, who yanked it from the kid's hands and tossed it at Ike, who was now approaching them with Ragnell raised high, ready to strike.

"DAMN YOU ALL!" Ike yelled. He grabbed the Master Ball in mid-air and threw it back to the others.

Out popped a Goldeen, which flopped uselessly on the floor.

"That was a close one," Fighter said merrily, and stomped on over to challenge Ike to battle. He was using a rather bizarre weapon; it resembled two giant swords tied together at the hilt with a chain.

"Huuuwaaaaahhhhhh!" cried Fighter in his best Bruce Lee impression. He twirled the twin swords before him like a madman.

"What the hell kind of a weapon _is that_?" Ike asked, genuinely curious.

"SWORD-CHUCKS!" Fighter exclaimed zestily. "Aren't they just the coolest?"

(**A/N:** Credit for sword-chucks goes out to Brian Clevinger, creator of the riotously funny_ 8-Bit Theatre_!)

Ike tallied off the reasons on his fingers. "They look (A) stupid, (B) extremely dangerous to use, and (C) tacky as all hell."

Black Mage and Red Mage were laughing at their co-worker's embarrassment, even as Thief nearby was being flambéed by Donkey Kong's fire rod.

"This is seriously a viable weapon mod! I'll show you!" Fighter insisted, and twirled his impossible weapons in a ridiculous dance.

Ike rolled his eyes. He countered an incoming hit and retaliated with a down-tilt to knock the swordsman into the air. Fighter swung his sword-chucks in an attempted defensive move while backing off, just barely dodging a deadly up-smash.

Thinking that he'd found his chance to attack, Fighter ran in with a dash attack. But Ike simply planted Ragnell into the ground – one of the sword-chuck blades rebounded off his legendary weapon, swung back hard, and nearly slashed Fighter's head off, exposing about sixty percent of his neck.

"Not so tough now, are you?" Ike told him as blood spurted all over his outfit.

"Uh, a little help, guys?" The Nearly Headless Fighter asked of his buddies.

Red Mage and Black Mage cast Blizzara and Meteor spells upon the Hero of Blue Flames, but Ike powered through them with a charged-up Quick Draw move. He cut through their guard and sent them both flying.

Meanwhile, Sora attempted to strike Ike from the side while he was recovering from the move. But Diddy Kong kicked the _Kingdom Hearts _hero in the jaw, knocking out several teeth.

"UWAAAAH!" Diddy yelled as he used his dash attack to further knock the kid away from Ike.

Takamaru squinted at the rather unbalanced situation.

_We doth possess greater numbers, _he thought. _Yet, verily these tramps hath more training, discipline, and finesse, as well as awareness of the peculiarities of this realm's physics._

"Be it the right time, m'lord?" he asked Mr. Iwata over the comm. channel.

Nintendo's CEO was still squeezing through the crazy crowd. "Yeah, go ahead. Seen Miyamoto anywhere?"

"Afraid not, m'lord."

Takamaru pushed a button on his smartphone and a gaping portal manifested, from which stepped a very large and very angry Giga Bowser.

"Oh, brother," said Ness, who was dodging tail swipes from Rayquaza and hitting him with PK Fires. To avoid getting stuck between a rock and a hard place, he ran from the Legendary Pokemon and used his PSI Magnet to absorb Giga Bowser's flamethrower and recover some health.

As Ness was absorbing the flames, Rayquaza's body slam attack came out of nowhere and knocked him deep into the fray.

"Look out!" cried Rosalina, who jumped in and used her Gravitational Pull to shield Ness from a thrown Bob-Omb.

"Fie! By my sword!" Frog cursed, and drew his sword in preparation for the return throw.

But Rosalina threw it towards Giga Bowser instead, preventing the giant beast from headbutting Donkey Kong.

"GWARRRR!" Giga Bowser roared, and trampled several of the Wonderful Ones as he made his way across the battlefield towards the Mother of Lumas.

"I'm… not sure that was a good idea…" Rosalina said. "Run, Ness!"

But the kid adjusted his baseball cap. "No more running for me!"

He charged up a PK Flash and sent it towards Giga Bowser. He managed to stun the monstrosity, but there was no avoiding Mach Rider's futuristic motorcycle, which rammed into both Rosalina and himself, knocking them out of breath.

Mach Rider came back around on her bike, this time popping a wheelie, using jets to power into a somersault, and firing upon the duo with her machine guns (which Rosalina Gravitational Pulled and held in her hands) before running them over again.

"Is there no end to this?" grumbled Ness. He'd just taken a severe beating.

The helmeted woman descended her bike and cracked her neck.

She turned to witness an injured Kyogre, Charizard, and Zapdos approaching and distracting Giga Bowser. Falco leapt off of Skarmory to help out.

"You all disappoint me so much," she said, now addressing Ness and Rosalina. "If I'd been in charge at the Smashgrounds, I would never have let pathetic non-badasses in. You're a kid, and she's a damsel. None of you belong in a fighting game."

"Excuse me," Ness pointed out. "But I'm not your ordinary kid."

He smacked Mach Rider in the knees with his baseball bat.

"And I'm not afraid to hit a girl, especially one that doesn't respect right-of-way laws!" he continued.

Rosalina watched rather horrified as Ness kicked off Mach Rider's helmet, took his bat to her face, and beat her senseless.

"I've been beaten up, had my mind messed with, and my friends kidnapped and tortured!" Ness continued. "For months I've been forced to fight people I don't want to fight, and I've never felt more confused and conflicted in my life!"

There was a tap on Rosalina's back. "Freeze," a voice said.

She spun around to face King K. Rool's blunderbuss. He, Dark Samus, and Crono had her surrounded.

And she and Ness weren't the only ones in trouble. Link was being overwhelmed, fighting both the Omega Pirate and the Duck Hunt Duo. Mario was struggling against Paper Mario, Geno, and Mallow.

The Wonderful 101 had come to an agreement and were attacking with four different Unite Morphs against Ganondorf, DK and Diddy. Donkey Kong lured the CENTINEL forces over to fight near Giga Bowser, making friendly fire between the giant Koopa and the Wonderful Ones inevitable.

Travis was not only fighting Ridley and E. Gadd, but the remaining two Elite Beat Agents.

Impa and Mr. Miyamoto were still making their way over to free Snake and Lucas.

Peach, Zelda, and Shulk were dealing with Marle, Lucca, Samurai Goroh, Starfy, Clefairy, and Splatoon's Inklings, and the newly arrived Falco was trying to keep Wario and Dixie Kong from hindering DK and Diddy.

Sure, Ike was holding his own against the Light Warriors, and with the dwindling resources of the Pig Mask Army, Bowser Jr. appeared to be winning the 'Yo Momma' contest. Not to mention the Female Wii Fit Trainer was busy trying to re-calibrate the Male Fit Trainer's largely disconnected muscles… but at this rate, they were going to lose.

"What's the point?" Rosalina asked them. "Children beating women. Pokemon beating each other. Wonder-Pink beating off whoever she wants. Men fighting giant pirate beasts. And all for a company's profit margins…"

"Humans created us," Dark Samus replied. "They exist in the physical universe. They're simply _better_ than us."

"But can't we co-exist with them peacefully? Think about it for a second! Is becoming a member of the Smashgrounds really worth it if you and a few other DLC characters are going to be the only ones living there?"

"I… don't know," King K. Rool said, seemingly truly saddened.

"If Mr. Iwata can freeze us and treat us like trash, there's no denying that can happen to any and all of you. You've been around the block, K. Rool. You were friends with Bowser, right?" she told him. "There were pictures of you guys in the album. Is this really what you wanted? To live in luxury knowing you had to freeze your friend forever to do so?!"

"It won't matter to me!" K. Rool replied, covering his ears. "My memories will be gone!"

"Except they won't! They'll keep coming back, just like ours do!"

"STOP IT!" yelled K. Rool, and was about to hit Rosalina in the face, only he hesitated. "D'awwww. You're right. We shouldn't even be here…"

He put down his blunderbuss, stunning both Crono and Dark Samus.

* * *

**VIII. People Are Strange**

Dr. Eggman held back Dr. Light as he leapt atop Dr. Wily and smacked him in the head repeatedly with a hardbound three-volume collected edition of Alfred North Whitehead and Bertrand Russell's "Principia Mathematica", knocking the old Doctor senseless.

"APOLOGIZE!" Dr. Light belted maniacally.

"NEVER!" screamed Dr. Wily.

"Break it up!" Dr. Eggman bellowed. "Let the record reflect that _ALL_ of us put in time with regards to the weapons! We never could even agree on a name.

"We just call her _The Beast,_" Derek Stiles explained to the Smashers.

"It's got a nice ring to it," Captain Falcon admitted. "Who actually put her all together, though?"

"The droids did," said Dr. Light, who pointed over to some Mettaurs and Grounder bots. "They're the real muscle that built our baby."

"Babe I'm gonna leave you," said Mother CAST. "Baby punch-gate. Itty bitty baby. Itty bitty boat."

Just then, Gex rode a floating platform up to _The Beast's _central chest piece and inspected it.

"I don't believe it!" exclaimed the gecko.

"HABEEB IT!" Lady Fi telepathically screamed.

"TWINKIE HOUSE!" Adeleine howled, punching Klonoa in the face and completing the meme.

"Owwww!" Klonoa bellowed, spitting out a mouthful of blood. "Why I oughta-"

"Shut yer pieholes, fellas! We got some bad news," Gex said. "Proto Man took the Infinity Core again."

"Not again!" Dr. Light screamed. "That really throws a wrench in our plans."

Dr. Eggman facepalmed. "What even does he do with that thing, anyway? Power a nuclear reactor?"

"You just can't keep a good 'bot down," Gex replied with a shrug. "He's probably using it to take over some under-powered Sub-Universe."

Captain Falcon shushed the group. "Hey! You guys hear that? It sounds like a V9000 twenty-cylinder _Excitebot_ engine with Nitrous boosters and… wow, that sound system… twenty-inch subs?"

Followed closely by Lucina, Captain Douglas leapt atop a nearby junk pile. The approaching _Excitebot _blasting _Caramelldansen _screeched to a stop not too far from the gathering, and the foursome leapt out from it. Because of the flood of steam, he couldn't quite make out who they were.

"We've got company!" he yelled, and descended the junk heap to join the others.

"No! My eyes must be failing me!" Lucina wondered aloud, squinting at two robed figures, who shared a quick kiss. "She- she _wouldn't_!"

The _Brawlers Without Borders _immediately readied themselves for battle. But no one was ready for the excitement of four familiar folks rounding the nearby corner, passing the ruined remains of Eggman's Big Arm from _Sonic 3_.

"Dr. Light!" exclaimed Mega Man.

"Mega Man!" Dr. Light said, and fell into hugging his favorite 'bot. "How I missed you."

"Mother?!" Lucina yelled, noticing Robyn holding hands with her look-alike. "I didn't want to believe it, but… you… and my fiancée! How could you? What would dad say?!"

"Didn't you get the memo?" Robyn said drolly. "I ain't your momma, Lucy. I just played her in one of many scenarios in _Awakening. _And Chrom isn't your biological father, either. You're a digital being, born of Mother CAST."

"I refuse to believe your lies! You're an impostor! My real mother was never so cold. And as for _you,_" Lucina growled in a threatening voice, the tip of her blade pointed under Robin's chin. "You have a _lot _of explaining to do, mister."

Robin held his hands up in surrender. "L-L-Lucina… how could you forget…? We worked together on set for over a year. I… I just read the lines... I assure you, if you look through the evidence, you'll see that you and I… well, to say there was nothing would be a lie. But believe me, it was never really serious."

"_NEVER REALLY SERIOUS_? How many countless battles did we fight alongside one another? How many-"

"If I may. Re-examine those memories," interjected Robyn, "I believe you'll find that, canonically, Robin and I were never in the same place at the same time. You're confusing the outcomes of multiple scenarios. Look within, Lucina. You'll see that the truth is rather simple. What you know as your life is all the result of an act. The events in Archanea… they're all a part of a cinematic production that we all took part in."

Lucina grabbed her aching skull. "This can't be true! It's… it's highly improbable! The whole thing's a farce!"

"Gawd. Lucy darling, Love the hair, but you're developing a baaaaad case of BNS," said Ghirahim.

"Hang on, let me examine her," observed Dr. Stiles, who stuck an otoscope into her ear for no reason at all. "Ah, that explains it. It appears she has _Buzz Lightyear Syndrome_."

The other Docs nodded in agreement.

"There must be some mistake. I never drink light beer," Lucina told him after swatting away his device and noticing his intrigued expression. "Don't get fresh with me."

"Trust me," said Dr. Stiles. "I'm a Doctor. _Of loooove._"

Lucina backed away from him as if he were contagious.

Adeleine laughed. "Don't worry, kiddo. He's a harmless doormat who simply hasn't had sex for a very long time."

"HEY!" Dr. Stiles yelled.

"What happened to you, Lucina, is a rather normal occurrence. You must've spawned from the pod a tad too early," said Dr. Eggman.

"I… think we can blame Palutena for that, too," said Pit. He was staring anxiously at Lady Fi, who was making dust angels on the floor with her flowing cape-arms and mumbling strange nothings.

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van. King Arthur can never count to "three" in _The Holy Grail_. Three is a prime number. Optimus is a seven-letter word. Optimus is prime. Transformers was a cartoon. _My Little Pony _is also a cartoon. Gabe Newell is a brony. _Half-Life 3_ confirmed. You don't know shitposts until you have knelt before a Reddit circlejerk and tasted its multi-flavored cum pies. _The Legend of Korra _is also a cartoon_. _I shall make a deliberate troll post to get fans bickering over whether Avatar Korra's better than Avatar Aang just to tabulate the results. Then I will personally dox every member of the forum and sell the market research data to Nickelodeon. The showrunners will worship me."

"I can't even… Someone shut her up before she causes a shitstorm," said Klonoa.

Dr. Wily grabbed a fishbowl and shoved it over Lady Fi's head.

But it was Ms. Pac-Man who was the most freaked out upon seeing the new arrivals. "HOLD ON! That's Mr. Sakurai! How dare you show your face here!" she yelled at Son Goku, who was hiding behind Robyn.

"Huh? Me? Oh, I'm not Sakurai. Name's Goku, Son Goku." He slapped his belly. "Mr. Sakurai swapped his flabby Mii for my bodacious bod, sadly."

"You fuckin' liar! I'd know that smug-ass face anywhere! That's Sakurai!" Ms. Pac-Man wailed, and tossed her bow at Goku. In slow-motion, twin blades ejected, one from each side of the bow, turning it into a deadly shuriken.

Robin caught the bow in his pussy juice-soaked hand and flung it back towards Ms. Pac-Man. Its blades stabbed her in the forehead, knocking her out cold in a pool of blood.

"WHOAA!" Crash shouted.

"Enough of your making others suffer for your personal hatred," Robin told the passed-out sphere. "We've spent far too much time dilly-dallying."

"And shilly-shallying," pointed out Robyn, who offered him half of her marijuana brownie.

"Er, yes, that too, whatever it is," said Robin, and munched on the treat to ease his growing headache. "So, seeing as how the _BWB _is here and there is a missile about to make contact with Silo Gamma, I shall assume you all are planning on taking your Frankensteinian creation to the skies and escaping this mess."

"You got us wrong, tactician. Our days of running away are over, or at least, at a hiatus," said Dr. Light. "The _BWB _shall no more stand by the wayside as the CAST Members get gunned down, over and over again. We're taking Mother to Iwata-san – he is a programming legend amongst the humans. If anyone can fix Lady Fi, it's him."

"Um…" interjected Dr. Cortex. "Not to be a contrarian, but that isn't what I agreed upon. I'm just here to help make sure _The Beast _is still running. As much as I'd love to be a part of its maiden voyage, I'd prefer to live."

"Same here," said Klonoa. "I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm headin' to Eorzea."

"All right, anyone who's willing to risk their lives for a peaceful future for this realm, raise your hands!" Pit shouted.

Captain Falcon, Little Mac, Mega Man, Dr. Eggman, Dr. Light, Dr. Stiles, Ghirahim, Midna, and Crash raised their hands.

"All righty," said Dr. Eggman. "Everyone else, hop the shuttle to our satellite base on Mobius. If that's compromised, we'll rendezvous in one of the Azeroth backups. Just check your IMs."

"Gotcha, Ivo," said Adeleine, who led Dr. Wily, Dr. Cortex, Jeff, Vyse (who was carrying Ms. Pac-Man), Gex, and Klonoa back towards the bunker. "We'll round up the others and head out to the planet. There's about an hour or so till the morning train. Try not to die out there."

Dr. Wily hung his head. "Robotnik, if this is it, well… I'm sorry for being such a dick all the time. I'll hang onto the DM guidebook and character files until ya return."

"It's cool, Broseidon. Take care of Neku for me, he will not understand," Dr. Eggman replied, and the _BWB_s took turns hugging each other.

"WAIT!" exclaimed Dr. Light upon noticing that Mega Man's crotch was sparking like a frayed live wire. "Whip out your Johnson!"

"In… in front o' all these people?" Mega Man replied, rather embarrassed.

"Shyeah."

And so he did. Dr. Light and Dr. Eggman recoiled in shock.

"It… looks like you've contracted every known virus. You've got HIV, HPV, The Clap, Beiber Fever, Adware, Spyware, the Pokerus, and even a subscription to_ The Elder Scrolls Online_!"

"What do I do, Doc?!" Mega Man cried. "WHAT DO I DO?!"

"There's only one thing _to _do," said Dr. Light, who whipped out a chainsaw.

"NOOOOO!" cried the Blue Bomber.

"Oh, wait. Sorry, wrong instrument," Dr. Light laughed, and pulled out a screwdriver.

Mega Man grabbed his crotch and tried to run away, but Little Mac and Captain Falcon took the android by either shoulder and laid him back down.

"ANYTHING BUT MAH WEINER! NOT MEGA MAN JUNIOR! NOOOOO!"

"We're running out of time!" Dr. Light bellowed. "Do you want a new cock, or do you wanna be a eunuch? 'Coz if it isn't coming off now, there's not gonna be much left of you in a few hours but a melted motherboard!"

"No time for this shit!" yelled Dr. Eggman. He pulled out a lightsaber and chopped Mega Man's penis off.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" cried Mega Man. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hey, ain't you a robot? You shouldn't be feelin' any pain," said Little Mac.

"The pain is on _the inside_, Mac," Mega Man told him as oily tears flowed down his cheeks. "The _inside._"

"That's what she said," Mac quipped. "Now you's gots the same parts as a grill."

Mega Man slammed his head against _The Beast's _metal toes. "WORST. NIGHT. EVER."

"Worry not," said Dr. Light. "We'll get ya a new package in no time flat."

With gloves and face masks on and a few dozen tiny android helpers at their disposal, Doctors Light and Eggman quickly swapped out Mega Man's dick and assembled a new one in two minutes.

"All better," Dr. Light told him.

Mega Man checked out his junk. It was now rather spiffy, almost exactly the same size as the old one, and shinier, albeit with a few less bells and whistles.

"Phew, glad that's over. Thanks, Docs."

"Let's not speak of this again," Dr. Eggman said, washing his hands with bleach.

Once all that shit was sorted out, the Docs took everyone up on _The Beast's _elevator and into the main room, which was set into a large dome in the Mecha's chest. Its interior resembled the two-layered _Ninja Megazord _cockpit, only it was more spacious, had a fully-stocked cooler and a swanky sound system, and hosted arcade-like controls at several battle stations.

Midna would pilot the head, which mostly consisted of firing lasers from its fiery eye sockets.

Captain Falcon was in charge of the right arm, with Little Mac in charge of the left.

Lucina and Ghirahim ran the right and left legs, respectively. Lucina was more than a bit peeved about not getting the coveted right arm (which was decided by drawn straws), but resigned herself rather quickly.

Pit and Goku had the wings (which were really for decorative purposes) and movement jets, while Robin and Robyn were to micromanage the plethora of turrets.

Meanwhile, Crash Bandicoot was simply manning the railgun.

Doctors Eggman and Light squeezed into the back of the cockpit, tending to Mother CAST. They were trying their best to wake her from her meme-spouting daze.

And last but definitely not least, Mega Man would be standing in for the Giant Mecha's Infinity Power Core, with Chibi-Robo acting as a conduit between the Blue Bomber's power system and _The Beast's _interface.

"Why do I gotta sit in the nuclear reactor?" he asked Dr. Light.

"Oh, shush. You're the only one here who's got an unlimited power core. Your hopeless brother ran off with the original core, no doubt to create an Iron Man suit and nuke some hopeless place to smithereens."

"I have a brother?!"

The hatch slammed shut and Mega Man felt a strong jolt as Chibi-Robo drew excessive amounts of power from his body.

"GYEAAAAAHHH!" Mega Man screamed as a fiery inferno spouted from his eye sockets. He saw in his mind's eye the four other guys from his Final Smash – whether these were visions or they were truly reaching out to him, he could not tell. But they gave him strength.

"You just gotta belieeeeeeeeeeve!" MegaMan .EXE told him.

"Pain is temporary. The legend lives forever," X said with a gangster nod.

Mega Man Volnutt mock-saluted his buddy. "I know you've had a rough night. But you gotta love and be excellent to yourself, man. That's all I can say."

"Is this thing on? Hey, that's _my _voice!" Transcode 003 Mega Man managed.

_Thanks, guys. I'll seeya the next time I get one o' them shiny balls._

Seated just above Mega Man in their control room, the others performed their pre-flight checklists.

"I don't know what the fuck any of this means," said Little Mac.

"Leave it to me," Captain Falcon said. "I'm a pro at figuring out complicated pieces of machinery. Uhh… where's the ignition again?"

Dr. Eggman waddled over and hit a big red button that no one should have been able to miss.

The reassuring voice of GLaDOS greeted them. "Welcome to _The Beast_. Launching in ten…"

"Looks like Wily forgot to install the seatbelts, fellas. So hang onto your butts!" Dr. Eggman laughed. "Let's see if this thing can actually fly!"

"Nine…"

"You mean it's NEVER FLOWN BEFORE?" Goku screamed. He tried to run to the exit, but Dr. Light blocked it off.

"Eight… Seven…"

"It's sure to work this time! The fucking Force is with us, mang!" Dr. Light exclaimed.

But the others were not so sure.

"Six… Five…"

"Here!" Midna called, yanking some old costumes from a storage closet. "Put on these color-coded cosplay outfits! They'll help!"

"Four… Three…"

"In case I die, I just want you all to know that I love all of you," said Crash. "Except you, Dr. Eggman. You're a fucking fatass dickhead and the worst DM in existence. I don't care if you die in a fire."

"Two…"

Dr. Eggman's lower lip quivered. "Crash… w-w-why?"

"One…"

"…NOOOOOT! Jay-kay, bruh!" the bandicoot yelled and laughed at Dr. Eggman's salty tears until he couldn't breathe anymore. He fell onto the floor of the cockpit.

"LIFTOFF!"

As Mega Man felt like his heart was about to burst through his chest, _The Beast _launched off its platform and soared into the sky.

* * *

**IX. Sleep Now in the Fire**

"We can't hold it much longer…" Palutena tried to tell the Pokemon all helping to hold the missile back.

Even with the help of the Centurions, a very large net, and Dragonite, Gyarados, Tyranitar, Garchomp, Sceptile, Salamence, Emboar, Blaziken, and Machamp, the jets on this particular missile were not to be underestimated.

Another squadron of Eagle's Fighter jets and Bombers zoomed past and fired upon the contingent.

Dragonite Ice Beamed one out of the air, but the others flew around for another pass.

"Don't they know we're trying to _stop _this from blowing up?" Dark Pit growled. "Fucking idiots!"

"They're just following orders," Palutena replied.

"Piiiiika pi!" exclaimed Pikachu, who was down on the wrecked surface alongside a very doll-like Lucario.

"What's he sayin'?" Pittoo asked Meowth, who was riding a nearby Dragonite. The Dragon-type used its entire weight to slow the weapon's descent, and it was working, but only just. They were only thirty feet above ground and closing at about a half foot per second.

"Pika says, it's okay, just let 'er go. We got a Gulpin down here. He'll eat the missile."

Dark Pit looked below. Sure enough, the electric mouse held aloft a tiny green Gulpin.

"I… don't know about this…" Palutena said, panting as her well of magic was being pushed beyond its limits. "There isn't much in the world of Pokemon that makes sense to begin with, Pika dear, but this seems quite Farfetch'd, if you can dig my language."

"Pikaaaa! Chuuuu!"

Meowth translated. "He says, with all due respect, milady, do you have any other ideas?"

"Unfortunately not."

And so they aimed the missile just right, and when the nuclear weapon made one last push through their defensive wall, Gulpin swallowed the thing whole.

Everyone held their breath. People and Pokemon alike winced in preparation for the worst. And then a deathly quiet befell them.

"Man, that was a great idea," Palutena told Pikachu, and picked him up and rubbed her face all against his electric cheeks. "Who's my adorable little genius pimp? That's right, you are!"

Dark Pit was just about to tug on her toga and suggest they scram, but before he could open his mouth, they heard a giant rumbling in Gulpin's belly.

"It's explodin' in his bowels!" Meowth exclaimed, and everyone ran to hide behind Palutena.

"Here… goes… nothing…" she said, and closed her eyes, using the last of her powers to create a shield protecting herself, Dark Pit, the Centurions, Pikachu's surviving groupies, and all the Pokemon.

Not too far after it appeared, Palutena's shield stuttered. She knew it wouldn't last long. But hopefully it would be long enough.

Pitoo looked rather sadly into the doomed Pokemon's unflinching face. _So long, friend._

Pikachu prayed to the Legendaries. _Help us, please._

"Shield your eyes and lend me your faith!" Palutena yelled.

As the allies all huddled together, the missile blew Gulpin into oblivion and took out the entire Silo with him, as well as most of Dracula's Castle. Its remains collapsed to the ground in a flurry.

"I can't… maintain it…" the Goddess apologized, her green hair fraying at the ends. She'd over-extended herself to the point of near-collapse.

Pittoo grabbed her hand tightly in his own, prepared to die.

But just then, Palutena felt that the burden of maintaining the forcefield was lifted from her shoulders.

_Thank you_, she thought, smiling up at the Pokemon who'd stepped in to save them all.

Mewtwo nodded, holding up the shield long enough for the explosion to complete its total annihilation of the facility.

As the naked bodies of the still-humping Dracula and Morrigan flew past them, followed by a ton of Cuccos and huge chunks of debris from the Castle, some of which slammed down to the surface and others which floated into orbit, Palutena fell asleep in Dark Pit's arms.

"Piiiiika piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiika!" (You sure took your sweet fucking time!)

The psychic Pokemon kept his shield up and turned to address the other Pokemon. "Why didn't anyone tell me there was a giant battle going on, like seriously? For a night of unbridled passion with my soulmate, I missed out on all the fun!"

"GWAAAAARRR!" (Fuck! There's a black hole in that vortex!) Blastoise screamed, looking down off the edge of the protective bubble. The nuclear explosion had just uncovered a swirling hole of death within the Moon's core.

"To the Birthing Chamber! It's being protected somehow!" Mewtwo ordered, and all the Pokemon and Centurions ran towards the oddly shielded glass dome as every last remaining shard and structure around them was being sucked into the vacuum.

_Who's creating that shield? _Pittoo wondered. _That sure as hell wasn't there before._

While carrying him, Tyranitar tried to slap Lucario awake, but the Aura Pokemon's body was curled up like a cat.

_Damn it all! _Lucario thought, unable to move. _If only I could do SOMETHING!_

"JIGGLY!" the regenerated Jigglypuff cried, soaring mere feet above the group. Gyarados stuck the very tip of his tail out of the shield to help the Pokemon catch a hold, but the ridiculous power of the vacuum caught onto the tail and drew the Atrocious Pokemon out of the forcefield.

Pikachu tried to grab a hold of Gyarados, but Meowth and Scyther both stayed his hand.

"There ain't nothin' we can do for 'im now," Meowth told him.

The electric mouse wept for his comrades. "Chuuuu…"

A psychic message from Mewtwo caught the Pokemon star's attention. _Everyone! I need your help!_

Pikachu realized that the vacuum was intensifying, making it difficult for Mewtwo to even step forward towards the Chamber. In fact, his feet were sliding back ever so slightly on the ground.

"Everybody push!" Mewtwo telepathically transmitted.

The allies all gathered behind Mewtwo and heaved, pouring their backs into it. They fought the resistance with baby steps, growing closer to the chamber, one step at a time.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you as always for reading! That sure was a lot of words. Tune in next week (hopefully) for the EXCITING SEASON FINALE! That's right, the fun hasn't even begun yet, folks. ;3 If doing so would tickle your fancy, please let me know what you thought of the chapter with a Review! Even a few words are helpful, as every little bit allows me to learn and improve! Faves and Follows are also very much appreciated!


	27. The Battle for Final Destination

**A/N: **Thank you all for your patience! As you can imagine, I've been playing a lot of Smash 3DS! ;) I also took some time to read a lot of "Brawl in the Family", the fun webcomic based on Smash Bros.. It just ended with 600 comics, so there's a treasure trove of great stuff there.

So, it turns out my projections on chapter length were way off. In trying to give almost everyone at least a few minutes in the limelight, I simply wrote too much to end the Season with this chapter (which should really be two chapters in and of itself, since it's the longest one yet). So there's going to be _one more_ following this one before my break! But it won't be nearly as long, and I consider this and the next one to be the two parts of the Season Finale.

Super Smash Bros. for the 3DS is sooo much friggin' fun! Really enjoying the game. I could write a mini-review here, but there's so much for y'all to read already! Can't wait for the Wii U version since I live on a semi-sustainable farm in the middle of nowhere and all my friends are like five hours away.

Here's my FC: 1719-3186-8251

I'll add anyone who wants to play me (just send me an IM or review). Please keep in mind that I don't have the best connection in the world, and that more often than not, when you see me online, it will be one of my brothers playing (we're so poor we share one 3DS, lol).

**CORRECTIONS (10/14/14, 10:41 PM PST):** Really sorry this chapter was posted with so many errors! Fixed a slight error regarding a certain Pokemon (Act X). Changed the chapter title. Modified some particulars in Act X. Fixed a problem with Iwata's weapon (Act V) and cleaned up some prose. Fixed an error where Mecha Bowser was referred to as Giga Bowser (Act VII). Fixed an error regarding Captain Falcon's wardrobe (Act I). Clarified Diddy Kong's fate (it was erroneous before). Cleaned up some crucial dialogue in Act IX. Fixed minor spelling/grammar errors throughout.

Also, I modified Mega Man and Pac-Man's fight in Chapter 2 to reflect their actual moveset. In the last chapter, I added several characters' reactions to Miyamoto's explanation about Mother CAST. Namely, Ness, Peach, Rosalina, and Yoshi don't exactly understand him, but are willing to go along with the plan because it's all they've got.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own any of the characters in this story. Any real people represented here are _not in any way_ meant to be realistic depictions of such people and no libel or defamation is at all intended. In truth I love Nintendo, Mr. Miyamoto, Mr. Sakurai and all the other wizards who make all the magic happen. I also think Mr. Iwata is a great CEO who is much less stubborn than his predecessor.

**GlassHouseFalcon:** Thanks for your review! LOL I totally read that first line in the voice of "'Ello Guv'nor", that killer car from 'Regular Show'. Yeah, I need sleep.

With regards to who I plan to main: I'm very glad you asked that question! When she was first announced, I made it my life's mission to main Palutena. Not only do I love the character, she allows for fun and complex play styles – with her default moveset she plays like a bait-and-punish tank with useful aerials and exceptional smashes. But it's so hard to pick just one main in this game, since all the veterans are so great now! Link (my longtime main), Peach, and Mega Man are my secondary mains, but Dedede, Lucina, and Pac-Man are all so darn viable for me to put time into that I'm torn at the moment. I really need to re-learn Zero Suit Samus, Olimar (one of my_ Brawl_ mains) and Bowser, but a part of me wants to wait for the Wii U version to really put that time in, as the game just plays and feels so much better with a GameCube controller.

**sippurp123:** Thank you for your review and loyalty as always! :D And your patience, of course! Really hope you like this chapter!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

**The Battle for Final Destination**

**I. Don't Fear the Reaper**

"Your Mr. Iwata must think he's quite clever," Bayonetta told her friends as Tabuu broke free of her Wicked Weaves and assaulted King Dedede and Marth with ridiculously buffed-up speed. Even the strongest of the Umbran Witch's magic was no longer able to hold back the glowing superhuman boss.

"A re-spec. Charming. He's optimized Tabuu's speed and created a shifting hitbox. I'll have to close in on him."

"Samus is a-in trouble," Don Luigi said, his eyes on the bounty hunter's gunship as she tried desperately to evade Master Core. "Can a-you and the others stall this a-beast for a few minutes?"

"Consider it done, darling," Bayonetta replied with a wink.

As Popo and Don Luigi entered Metal Gear Ray's cockpit, Bayonetta transformed into her Panther Within form and leapt over pieces of floating debris towards the deck of the _Halberd_.

About seventy feet out from the guard railings, she ran into King Dedede as he was launched from Tabuu's deadly winged explosion. Bayonetta returned to human form and leapt onto the penguin-like dude's shoulders to reduce his momentum. With her legs wrapped around his beak, heel-mounted Rosemary and Thyme fired upon the muscular menace.

Together, Bayonetta and Dedede made a technical landing onto the _Halberd's _deck. Not two feet away, Marth dodged Tabuu's diagonal Diving Slash, and punished it with a couple of advancing aerials.

"Mighty cool o' you," King Dedede told the Umbran Witch. "Ain't erry day I get mounted like that."

"There'll be time for pillow talk later," she replied with a wink, and then continued her assault by tangling the boss in her Wicked Weaves once more as the Don's Metal Gear soared past the scene.

* * *

Samus Aran docked her gunship into the _OG Great Fox _and marched out of it with the recovering Sheik in her arms, accompanied by her jolly companions. She stuck her Arm Cannon into the _OG Great Fox's _computer to instruct the onboard computer to repair her spacecraft.

Sonic, and Kirby, the latter of whom still sported Solid Snake's facial hair, carried a chained-up and rather uncooperative Krystal up the long hallway to the bridge, the piece of debris still lodged in her leg.

"Love how you guys didn't even bother to remove that pole," said Krystal.

Sonic scoffed. "You should consider yourself lucky you were allowed to live."

"Whoop-dee-doo. Three cheers for the almighty Samus Aran and her three stooges," Krystal replied sarcastically before taking another sip of her third Sapporo can from Samus' beer cap.

Kirby sighed. "I can see how you were Fox's ex. Looks like his snark rubbed off on you from all the rubbing off you did on-"

"Look, puffball, I just really, really, _really _don't wanna be here," she said, even as the mothership was rocked by the beastly Master Core's area-of-effect energy blasts.

They entered the bridge only to see a very stressed-out Fox McCloud behind the controls, attempting to steer clear of their deadly opponent. He didn't even look back at the new arrivals.

"Where's Wolf?" Samus asked.

"He and Leon are doing it in the bathroom. I'd welcome you guys," he began, "but seeing as how you led that damn thing straight into the last asset my company has left-"

Samus shook her head at her ex-boyfriend as she laid the still-regenerating Sheikah onto the couch. "Disregarding the fact that your company is based upon a fiction, you're really gonna pick _now _to play the blame game?"

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Fox yelled. "There's no way we're characters in a video game! NO FRIGGIN' WAY!"

Kirby was already halfway through raiding the fridge. "Uh, who told you that load of bullcrap?"

"Actually…" Sonic said, "That's true. We are. Every one of us."

"Get outta town," protested Sheik. "Where's your proof?"

Krystal slurped up the last of her beer. "The proof is everywhere around us. Sonic's right. Deal with it."

"K-K-KRYSTAL?!" Fox exclaimed, just realizing that both of his exes were in the same room together. "You're here, too?"

"Yeah, can you believe I lost to a blonde?" She quipped.

Samus smacked her upside the head. "You're not helping! Listen, guys! There's a dangerous swarm of evil stuff out there! Injured parties, stay here! Everyone else, follow me up the hatch-"

Before Samus' plan could be put into action, though, the ship was hit hard by Master Core's beast form. The swarm of black pixels that encompassed its body dented the _OG Great Fox's _hull, throwing half of the room into the opposite wall.

"What the fuck?!" cried Fox into the comm. "Falco, come in! Are you out there?"

"You worry about your own hide," he told Fox. "We're in the middle of a warzone here… Giga Bowser… gahhh!"

"Shit!" Kirby exclaimed upon seeing Falco get smacked hard in the face by a beam sword. "Looks like the others have it just as bad, if not worse."

Fox returned to firing _OG Great Fox'_s souped-up lasers at the scorpion-like colossus, but the thing swung its giant tail forward to destroy the twin guns. An aura of dark energy emanated from the Core, shaking the _OG Great Fox _so hard that bolts on the bridge struts wiggled loose and bounced around the room.

One hit Sonic right in the middle of his giant eye-blob thing.

"YEOWWWCH!" the hedgehog exclaimed. "Ah'm blind! Should have worn my _Oakleys_! Oakleys… physics elevated to an art form. FUCK, THAT HURT!"

"Okay, now we might have it worse," Kirby said. Immediately afterwards, everyone in the room became aware of Wolf and Leon, who could be heard slamming loudly against the restroom door.

Luigi's face appeared on the comm. screen. "McCloud! Put up a-your shields to full!"

As Fox did so, Metal Gear Ray rammed into Master Core's Beast Form from the side, knocking it away from the _OG Great Fox_.

"It's a-Master Core season, beeee-yatch!" the Don bellowed.

"What he said!" Popo concurred from behind Ray's controls.

Since they had no more bullets to spare, Don Luigi squirmed out of the Metal Gear's cockpit and leapt atop the beast. He performed corkscrew kicks, shot fireballs, and karate chopped the Scorpion's eyes. Now that he had a sense for the thing's timing, the Don was able to dodge its attacks as best he could and punish them.

However, after phasing in and out of existence for one final sneak attack, Master Core caught Don Luigi in his jaws and attempted to crush the plumber – it would have succeeded, too, if Luigi hadn't been strong enough to hold the jaws open even as the swarm's fangs bit deeply into his hands and feet. Popo leapt out of Ray to smack the core's tail with his mallet.

The Don screamed something to his allies aboard the mothership, emphasizing his lip movements so they could discern his words.

From within _OG Great Fox's _bridge, Samus got a chill running down her spine. She knew what had to be done, and how to do it.

"What's he saying?" asked Fox.

"He… he wants me to use my gunship's fully-charged super missiles."

"They'll die!" Kirby yelled.

Samus hesitated, and then saw the Don practically screaming at them.

_It's now or never_, she thought.

"We don't know that for sure," said Samus, and pressed a button on her Arm Cannon to remotely prepare her gunship.

Within the docking bay below, the flight tray carrying Samus' gunship rotated so the craft's guns faced Master Core.

The ship locked onto the beast and charged up the very last of her missiles, combining them into one Ultra Super Missile. She took careful aim, waited for the perfect timing, and exhaled.

The supercharged missile fired from the gunship, soared out of the _OG Great Fox_, and navigated to a spot right between Luigi's legs.

"Uh oh," said the Don.

He stretched to his tip-toes and the weapon just barely whooshed under the seat of his trousers.

_Please work, _he thought at the last instant, wincing from the impending explosion.

Master Core exploded from within, sending the Don flying forward, his body swallowed by flames. Meanwhile, propelled by the explosion, Popo went soaring into deep space again like some daredevil acrobat. After tossing his toasted parka off and recovering from spinning wildly, the Ice Climber swung and tossed his rappelling rope at what was left of the Don.

"Don Luigi!" Popo yelled. "Grab a hold!"

But Luigi's skeletal structure was scorched beyond recognition, and it didn't look as if he was regenerating.

"What the hell?" screamed Kirby. "You killed the Don!"

"I did what had to be done," Samus replied, somewhat coldly.

"Relax, Star Warrior." Sonic said. "If we make it through the night, he'll be back. Just like the T-800, and Arnold's never-ending film career."

"He's not the only one," Fox pointed out as the black pixel swarm reformed into a rather abstract bunch of giant swords. "How many forms does this guy have, anyway?!"

There was no response, as Master Core followed up by slashing Popo into pieces.

"KIIIYYEAAAAHHH!" wailed the Ice Climber.

"NOOOOO!" Kirby yelled. "How many of my stoner buddies are gonna fucking die before this night is over?!"

The Saber Form split into multiple blades, all taking aim at the _OG Great Fox. _The ship's inhabitants all seemed to understand that this was the end.

Krystal held Samus' hand.

"Hey… Samus… I'm sorry I insulted you. I actually respect you a lot."

"It's fine. When the game's over, all the pieces go back into the same box."

Suddenly, a voice appeared on the comm. channel.

"Not this time, Sammy!" Captain Falcon announced, his Madoka Kaname outfit fluffing. Its cotton make nearly tore apart against his rippling muscles. "Once we're finished with this guy, there's gonna be nothin' left but ashes!"

Out of seemingly nowhere, _The Beast_ rocketed up in between the _OG Great Fox _and the deadly Sabers and pumped its AT Field Barrier to maximum power.

"Sorry we're late!" Pit said. He was wearing Satsuki Kiryuuin's _Kamui Junketsu _uniform. "There was some family drama at play, and someone – not gonna say who – had to get a penis transplant!"

Fox raised one eyebrow upon seeing the live feed from inside _The Beast's _cockpit.

"Is there a reason why you guys are dressed in Magical Girl outfits?"

"Ya know, that's a very good question," replied Dr. Eggman, who fluffed out the frills on his skirt, which resembled Stocking's from _Panty and Stocking_. "Do these stripes make me look fat?"

"No comment," gagged Ghirahim (clad in Amu Hinamori's 'Ran' outfit from _Shugo Chara_). "And I think the reason was that we rented out the _Power Rangers_ uniforms. Lara Croft's using them for some orgy."

As the Mecha pilots attempted to hastily update the others on what was going on, _The Beast _did furious battle with Master Core's blade form.

"Left arm shield!" Little Mac yelled. Dressed in Ahiru's tutu (_Princess Tutu)_, he held the left arm up in a typical boxing block to deflect the incoming slash, but the Mecha's AT Field stopped it before it got to that point.

As the sword rebounded, both Robin (Sakura Kinomoto from _Card Captor Sakura_) and Robyn (Jun the Swan from _Gatchaman_) fired upon it with their turrets.

"Excellent shot, love," Robin pointed out.

The other split swords went straight for _The Beast's _head, but Midna (Corrector Haruna) fried at least one with the Mecha's laser eyes, while Captain Falcon took aim for two others.

"FALCON PAWWWWWWWWWNCH!" he cried as _The Beast _lunged forward with a flaming punch, completely destroying one of the swords.

"HEY!" exclaimed Goku (Love Momozomo from _Pretty Cure!_).

The controls for the wings and jets, as well as the defensive AT Field were all overridden by the Captain's all-or-nothing attack, leaving _The Beast _vulnerable for a full second, in which time the largest blade was able to get a strong hit in, denting the shoulder and restricting elbow movement.

"We have to work together!" Goku continued. "Okay, dodge to the right in three… two… one…"

All of the pilots timed their joystick pulls – _The Beast _sidestepped a powerful slash, but floating electric spheres hit the Power Core, sending Mega Man into a rage.

"I nearly got short-circuited! Careful up there!" the Mecha's sentient Power Core growled. Even without external distractions, the Blue Bomber (cosplaying as himself) was struggling to maintain his focus, which was necessary to provide power to the hundred-plus foot monstrosity. He closed his eyes and imagined going through the motions of fighting one of the Robot Masters.

"We're trying!" yelled Crash (Princess Holy-Up! from _Akazukin ChaCha_), who couldn't quite aim the crotch-mounted railgun at the quick-moving targets.

"Careful with our baby!" pleaded Dr. Light (Sailor Moon from _Sailor Moon_).

Dr. Eggman, who had connected his laptop to Mother CAST's files via USB, wiped his glasses clean.

"I don't believe what I'm seeing," he told Dr. Light, who was holding Lady Fi down to prevent her from dancing wantonly.

"What is it?" his colleague asked.

"Sakurai's updating her! That's why she's goin' berserk! She's being forced to run _while _her software's being modified! This is madness!"

From within Lady Fi's fishbowl helmet, the phrase "THIS! IS! SPARTA!" could be discerned.

"Is it a virus?" Dr. Light asked, dodging her attempt to kick him in the face. "A case of Internet addiction gone wrong? What is it?"

Dr. Derek Stiles (Buttercup from _Powerpuff Girls Z_) placed a hand over Lady Fi's belly and closed his eyes, attempting to diagnose the problem.

"On the contrary, fellas. There's fixes here for some of Mother CAST's most damning errors. Whoever's doing this is on our side."

"Are you a wizard?" Lucina (Umi Ryuuzaki from _Magic Knight Rayearth) _asked after kicking Master Core with the right leg. "What qualifies you to make such bold claims?"

"It's my healing touch," he told her, and leaned on over so that he was blocking a part of her view out of the window. "It can cure all wounds, even those of the heart. Would you like a free demonstration?"

But the time traveler simply puffed up her cheeks and returned to her station.

"I think I saw a blush," Derek said, nudging Dr. Eggman. "Amirite, guys? Can I get a hell yeah?"

They ignored him, as the Docs were too engrossed in arguing over how to fix Lady Fi, while the others were attempting to fight the deadly behemoth.

"There's something the matter with the code," Dr. Light observed. "It's rejecting parts of the update."

Dr. Eggman scratched his chin. "Yes, it seems a safeguard was put in to prevent any tampering. We need to find and modify it before the server blows and kills us all."

"BEFORE WHAT?" Pit yelled as he and Goku pulled _The Beast _out of the way of another targeted attack.

"Silly Smashers. Isn't it obvious?" said Midna. "Mother CAST maintains the server equilibrium. Without her guidance, the whole shebang will melt. You eggheaded roleplayers had better end this campaign on a high note!"

"It'd be a lot easier if the DM wasn't even more of a sociopath than I am," Dr. Eggman replied. "I want to get off Mr. Sakurai's wild ride."

"He's open, guys!" Little Mac announced. "Dash in for a Jolt Haymaker! Afterwards, let's close in for some body shots!"

"Right!"

The Giant Mecha boosted towards the largest saber for another Falcon Punch. After being hit hard, the swarm respawned nearby, only to feel the wrath of Crash's superheated railgun.

"We're winning, no thanks to me!" exclaimed Goku, who was eating mint chocolate chip-flavored ice cream straight from a one-galllon tub, leaving Pit to man the jets on his own.

"I wish there was somethin' we could do to help," Fox said over the comm. screen.

"Chillax, furface, we got this," Little Mac assured him. "You fellas go help the others."

* * *

**II. Duck Hunt's Last Stand  
**

Meanwhile, the _Halberd _brawlers were dominating Tabuu and making him their bitch. Even Meta-Knight watched as his body acted of its own accord and leapt in to slash the bastard.

"We got 'im on the ropes!" Dedede exclaimed as his thwacked Gordos, Bayonetta's Wicked Weaves, Meta-Knight's Mach Tornado, and Marth's Dancing Blade combos simultaneously stunned the shape-shifting menace.

"Smash Ball!" Bayonetta yelled, and Marth ran down to chase the incoming sphere. As Meta-Knight and Dedede kept Tabuu at bay, Marth knocked the Ball this way and that until he broke it and acquired its strange power.

Just when it was looking like a sure victory, however, Tabuu broke free of his hitstun with a hitherto unseen 'shrink' move, one that Iwata had recently coded in. The shapeshifter minimized and dodged mere milliseconds before Marth's Final Smash would have hit: the prince crashed headlong into the ship's largest cannon instead.

Energy tentacles erupted from Tabuu's being, shredding Bayonetta's Wicked Weaves and grabbing Dedede, Meta-Knight, and Marth.

"I've heard that hell hath no fury like a sore loser, but that's one idiom I'd like to myth-bust," Bayonetta quipped, and did a little dance.

"AFFA IADA NAPTA!" she boomed.

From a gigantic portal, she summoned forth Hekatoncheir, the massive six-armed Infernal Demon. Three of its gigantic fists grabbed and freed her trio of allies, while the others took to Hulk-Smashing™ Tabuu into glow stick fluid.

An instant before the killing blow was about to land, Tabuu fired his energy whip at Bayonetta, ensnaring her leg. While she was stunned, he shielded himself with a crystalline barrier.

"Tricky, tricky," she said, and directed Hekatoncheir's fists to attempt to crush the diamond, to no avail.

But the maladjusted Trophy Collector was not merely content with having become invincible to the Infernal Demon. It had to create an inter-dimensional portal to escape into as well, drawing in the Umbran Witch.

"Your move, Iwata," Cereza said. She resigned herself to being spirited through the cosmic whirlpool with Tabuu.

Dedede cried out for his new waifu. "Naw, not mah bae! Yo, ugly! Take me instead!"

"I'll be just fine, King Dedede. Go help the others," she said, blowing him a kiss before the darkness swallowed them up. Hekatoncheir returned to hell through its portal, leaving the Smashers alone on the _Halberd's _deck again.

"CHIKUSHO!" (Aw, shit!) Marth cursed. He slammed his Falchion into the ground, nearly missing the slowly waddling Meta-Knight, whose body had once again reverted to the behavior of a barely animate Level 1 CPU.

"Be cool, Marthy," Dedede insisted. "You's on camera."

The penguin-like dude pointed at one of many spacesuit-wearing Camera Lakitus filming the scene. They'd been all over the place during this battle.

"Be strong fo' yo fans. Maybe you can direct some of 'em big booty ones to yours truly, feel me?"

He picked up Meta-Knight and offered the stressed-looking Marth another joint as he used an app on Meta-Knight's phone to remotely pilot the _Halberd_. The blue-haired hero stared at the lit joint and shook his head.

"_Nande_?!" (Why?!)

"Be easy on them nerves. You gotsta let it go, bud. We'll get 'im next time."

Before long, the _Halberd _jetted towards the joined _Final Destination _platforms.

* * *

The insane battle on those seriously overcrowded platforms had finally reached a fever pitch.

Skarmory, Charizard, and Kyogre were struggling against Rayquaza and Palkia, who'd just finished its orbital patrol. Thankfully for the others, the Pokemon were all battling on one of a few outlier platforms rotating around the central one.

"YOSHI!" (Keep your big ass outta my face!) the dino cried as Wario whacked him with his butt.

As if to rub it in, the obese man farted in his face while laughing. Yoshi was sent flying off the battlefield and landed back upon Bowser's Flagship.

_Man, that was fucking disgusting! _Yoshi thought as he ran to the bathroom to wash himself off. Upon leaving, eating some refreshing fruit, and preparing his return to the battle, he spotted none other than Pac-Man lounging on the bridge, laying on his side on a couch by the fireplace. Clad in Bowser Junior's velvet dressing gown, he smoked from a pipe while addressing a Camera Lakitu in a very candid interview.

"Oh, definitely. In fact, they're out there right now, duking to the death. I'm a strong believer in personal freedoms, so yeah, I totally support what they're doing. I'd be throwing down too, you know, but someone's gotta man the airship and smoke all o' this Grade-A Kremling Country tobacco. It's a tough job, and a shameful one, but-"

"YOSHI!" (We need help out there!) the dino yelled, acutely aware that he was, not too long ago, in Puck's position, and if Peach hadn't confronted him on his cowardice, he might still have been jerking off in the broom closet.

"Hey, big-nose. This can wait. Can't you see we're in the middle of an interview?"

Yoshi groaned. "Yoshi! Yoshi! YOOOOSHI!" (You're one of us now! Why won't you _do something_? ANYTHING!)

He then turned to the camera lens. "YOOOOSHI! Ohh-wooooow! Weee-awwww!" (If you're watching this, everyone, know that we're fighting the power! We won't rest until we've settled the score!)

"Are you finished?" Pac-Man asked Yoshi semi-politely while refilling his pipe with some tobacco, hash, and keef.

Frustrated, Yoshi ran to the back room to grab the stock of Smash Balls. _There's just no dealing with some people._

Back upon the platform, more domestic drama was afoot as Dixie Kong pushed her way through to challenge Diddy and DK, preventing them from scoring hits on the Wonderful Ones.

_If only I could try and reason with her_, DK thought. _But I've been imprisoned in here for weeks. Diddy… it's up to you, bro. Maybe you can make her understand that this just isn't right…_

"UWAAAH!" (Why are you doing this?) Diddy asked Dixie as they danced around one another, barely missing with their dash attacks.

"Kwaaah!" (They said this was the only way I could join you guys!) she replied, tossing out a stray banana peel.

Diddy glide-tossed over and smacked her aside.

"Hoo! Ku-hyeaaah!" (Well, they were fucking liars! They just want us to kill each other!)

"Uwah! Uwah!" (You're lying! You want the fame for yourself!)

The Kongs took turns slapping one another under the moonlight.

Over by the Moon-facing edge of the platform, Link finally felled the Omega Pirate. He posed dramatically as the hulking behemoth fell to its knees in time for Link to decapitate it. The Hylian then scoured the battlefield for allies in need of help.

No sooner had Sora recovered from snapping his dislocated jaw into place and found his missing tooth than Mario jumped on his head while on the run from Geno, Mallow, and Paper Mario.

Just when Sora lifted his noggin again, Mallow stomped it down, only for Geno to do the same. As he mowed towards his rival at top speed, Paper Mario steamrolled Sora back to the floor.

"Grrr…" he began as he got back to his feet. But his timing was terribly rotten – Mario had just reflected Geno's perfectly timed 9999 damage Geno Whirl, sending it straight into Sora's chest. He flew from the Final Destination platforms, too far to ever return on his own.

From a distance, the battlefield looked like a fireworks show, a celebration of sorts. Its technicolor chaos was sort of beautiful, like a piece of Tetsuya Nomura concept art that had Xenomorph-ripoffs, laughing dogs, and farting old men dueling on it.

"I'm sorry, everyone. I guess… I'll get my chance… another day…" said the_ Kingdom Hearts_ hero. With nothing better to do, he put on his iPod and started listening to Simple Plan's "Untitled".

Right, let's go back to the battle. Mario used his cape to good effect, whipping his opponents into smacking one another instead of him.

But Paper Mario caught him in the back of the head with a well-placed mallet.

"You a-sneaky shithead!" Mario yelled. He grabbed his doppelganger and headbutted him twice before whirling him into Geno and tossing him at Mallow. He toasted the trio with fireballs and picked up a deadly _Skyward Sword_ Beetle.

"Who a-wants it?" the plumber cried out. "Come and a-get it, bitches!"

Being the thirstiest for a spot on the roster, Geno ran forward. Mario pushed him back with FLUDD and nailed him with the Beetle.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" the doll cursed as he was lifted up from the platform, possibly forever.

"Jesus, that's a scary item," Mallow said, and tried using his weather spells to save his buddy, but to no avail.

Mario dashed in, knocked Mallow off of his feet, and followed up with a dash-attack cancelled up-smash, sending him flying far away. It was worth absorbing Paper Mario's mallet to the face, though that did smart quite a bit when Mario had to snap his nose back into place.

"Al-aways you gotta hit me when I'm not a-looking!" Mario chastised his doppelganger. "You must a-be proud of yourself, you fucking coward!"

"I'll be proud of a-myself when I finally replace Dr. Mario on a-the fucking roster!"

With that, Paper Mario transformed into a paper airplane and smacked his namesake right in the eye.

"YEOOWWCH!"

"Paper a-Mario fucks you up, doo dah, doo dah. Wreckin' asses all a-night long, la dee doo dah day…"

Mario slide-tackled his wafer-thin doppelganger to stop the infernal singing and dancing.

Elsewhere, Link slashed the Duck Hunt dog's face. Blood spurted everywhere as the canine tossed an explosive barrel at the Hylian, but Link leapt over it and whipped the odd character with his Gale Boomerang, following up with a forward aerial double-slash.

The Dog was knocked back, and after Link recovered from his landing he charged forward and made a feint, as if he was about to strike out with a leaping dash attack. The dog and duck fired a clay pigeon – some ethereal force beyond reckoning fired at the flying gray mass and shot it to pieces.

"What the hell was that?" Link queried, to which the dog started laughing. It dropped an 8-bit gunman in place, which fired a single shot at the Hylian.

Link pulled out a bomb. His Hylian Shield blocked the bullet, and he short-hopped over a new fiery barrel and tossed an explosive of his own at the dog, only to absorb another clay pigeon.

"Pesky projectile spammer!" he yelled, completely missing the dramatic irony that he'd finally found another character that relied on similar tactics as himself.

Link tried to get close, but a reticle formed nearby the dog, and a powerful smash attack exploded, thwacking Link a good twenty feet back. He missed the tech and bounced off the floor only to come face to face with another clay pigeon, another gunman, and another explosive barrel.

With gritted teeth and a tunic covered in soot, he fired arrows at the barrel, sending it bobbing back towards the dog.

The duo merely rolled past it… and attempted to use a forward aerial, sticking the duck's neck forward. The poor bird lined up neatly with Link's dash attack.

After launching the dog off of the platform, Link pulled out another bomb, and then tossed his Gale Boomerang at a downwards diagonal angle. As the duck carried his buddy back to the stage, the bomb exploded, stunning the duo, and the Gale Boomerang's return trip carried them into Link's two-hit forward smash, which sent them off-stage for good.

"Sorry, but there can only be one top dog of projectiles," Link sneered with overconfidence as he wiped the blood from his blade like a samurai.

No sooner had he caught a break than the creepy-ass Chorus Kids appeared behind Link and emitted a harsh wide-open-mouthed yell, completely stunning him.

While he was stuck and frozen, the three Kids all took turns beating him with items from _Rhythm Heaven_. Drumsticks rapped on his forehead. A samurai slice pushed aside the Hylian Shield, and Karate Joe's trademark punch-punch-kick combo knocked the wind out of him.

"Damn kids! Stick to what you're good at!" Link yelled as he retreated to play his projectile spamming game again.

* * *

**III. You And Whose Army?  
**

In the middle of the fray, the Wii Fit Trainers leapt in to help the _Final Fantasy_ Light Warriors with Ike, who was wiping the floor with them.

"Six against one? Yeah, that's fair," the Hero of Blue Flames responded, countering Thief's attempted dagger attack and performing an up-tilt to knock back the recently regenerated Male Fit Trainer.

"Man, he's good," Black Mage said. "Hey big fella, wanna replace Fighter? Even before you almost decapitated him, he's been useless. We're tired of having such a dumbass on our team."

Fighter held up the finger to his buddy.

"I already have friends to fight for," said Ike. "And I don't ever take mercy on my enemies. If you value your life, you'd surrender. Continue fighting, and you'll die for certain."

"C'mon, man, don't tell me you still believe in the concept of _death_," Red Mage told him.

"Well, what else am I going to threaten you with?"

"Yo Ike!" Link cried, addressing his second-in-command right after smashing away Marshal of the Chorus Kids with a rather large weapon. "Think fast!"

Ike's glance went towards the Hylian, who tossed him an Ore Club.

As Ike grabbed the weapon, Red Mage and the Female Wii Fit Trainer both descended from above for a quick sneak attack – the former with his rapier, the latter with a Yoga pose – but Ganondorf surprised them both with a Wizard's Foot from above.

The Female Fit Trainer found that her spine was bent. She had it easy compared to Red Mage, whose torso was stomped right through the middle.

With those two temporarily out of his hair, Ike's full-power Ore Club swing not only took out Black Mage and the nearly-headless Fighter, but the Male Fit Trainer as well. All three were knocked far off the platform, perhaps never to return.

"Good timing, Ganon," Ike said.

"Think you can help us fight that hundred-man_ chibi_ group?"

The two ran to where DK and Diddy were struggling to land hits on the Wonderful Ones falling out of formation in between Unite Morph attacks. A forlorn Dixie had taken to sitting down and thinking upon her motivations.

"Is talking it over out of the question?" Ike posited. "Aren't they just UN-sanctioned mercenaries?"

"Good point, man. Hey. Come to think of it… huh. I think I know how to deal with this," Ganon said, and cleared his throat. "Hey Wonder-wimps! I need to get in contact with your people! We got a paid gig for y'all down at the Smashgrounds!"

"HUH!" Wonder-Red yelled. "Why, if it isn't the Great King of Evil, the Dark Lord born of the Gerudo tribe and one of the most accomplished computer whizzes this side of the NSA, Ganondorf Dragmire! Unfortunately, he's also a massive liar! Don't believe what he's saying, everyone!"

Ganon made a frown and began spinning his elaborate thread of lies. "That hurts me deep, man. I happen to know you've already contacted a Mr. Wright, attorney-at-law, with regards to your party's lack of compensation. He's my lawyer too, ya know. Really on the up-and-up. Yeah. I just so happen to run an underground entertainment biz in the city, and boy, have I been lookin' for a hundred-man team like yours! I'm an artist, ya see. And there's a certain type of video I have in mind. Did I mention money?"

"I say we hear him out, guys!" Wonder-Blue insisted.

"Yeah, I got alimony to pay!" agreed Wonder-Beer.

And so the Wonderful Ones quit their relentless attacking and sat down in front of Ganon as he outlined a detailed and elaborate plan for a hundred-person orgy.

Not too far away, Ike, Diddy and DK were now able to split up and help some of the others.

"Get back, Diddy!" Peach yelled as Lucca's Fire 2 attack knocked herself and Shulk away. Zelda reflected the flaming attack with her short-term cast of Nayru's Love, burning the esteemed inventor.

"You gals are hard to fight!" Marle complained as she healed Lucca.

"You're telling me," Shulk explained. "I've not seen you odd chavs before! You lot resemble _Dragon Ball _rejects!"

"Have you no respect for Toriyama-sama?" gasped Lucca before being thwacked to the side by Shulk's backslash.

In retaliation, Frog approached from behind and used his tongue to wrap the Monado Boy up before striking with his sword.

Peach stepped in with a down-smash, knocking Frog off of his feet and freeing her ally.

Shulk countered Frog's retaliatory leaping slash with his Vision Delayed counter, and punished him with a standard combo. Zelda finished off the swordsman with a charged forward-smash.

"Gadzooks!" Frog yelled as he was launched into Giga Bowser's flamethrower.

After dodging some hits from the Inklings, Zelda started to punish them by using Farore's Wind to teleport right over spots in the painted floor before they emerged from them, using her spell's explosions to blow the squid-like kids away.

"Child murderer!" one of them yelled at her, to which she summoned a Phantom that slashed the Inkling away.

"I'm not the one that recruited you!" Zelda grumbled. "You're the fools who signed up to be reality TV stars! _We_ never asked for it!"

"Oh, we watch Smash TV! It's obvious you enjoy living in luxury, with your servants and tea parties!" Samurai Goroh scoffed as he slashed off another large piece of Peach's dress, exposing her shapely legs.

"Ahhh! Pervert!" shouted Peach as she pelted him with a thrown stitch-face turnip.

"Heh, don't pretend you dislike the attention," Goroh told the princess. "I've heard rumors about your sex life, Peachie. You enjoy sampling a little of every dish from the grand buffet of sexual pleasures."

Shulk raised a very interested eyebrow.

"No, she doesn't," Zelda laughed, and then saw Peach's cheeks turn red. "Or do you?" she asked, both pained that her homeslice would keep any secrets from her, and shocked that she even _could_, given that only those with strong mental barriers could resist Zelda's mind-reading powers.

"Goroh, you're a creep. Zelly, ask me again once I get my memories back," Peach replied as she used her rapid down-aerial kicks to shush the samurai's salacious tongue.

In truth, despite her embarrassment, Princess Toadstool did not recall much about the past. But she did know that some of her fantasies were pretty out there. A few even involved Zelda herself.

From the corner of his eye, Shulk spotted the _OG Great Fox _coming in from the side opposite the Moon. Still a minute or so out, the mothership looked very badly damaged.

He also had a prophetic vision: he saw Impa and Mr. Miyamoto attempting to free Snake and Lucas with Miyamoto's skeleton key, and Ridley's tail whipping them off the stage.

"Link!" he yelled at the Hylian fifty feet away. "I just saw the future! Go after that purple dragon thing!"

The blonde one nodded as he fended off the Elite Beat Agents' moonwalk-to-disco point attack and ran to the end of the arena.

* * *

Nearby, Melville had lured out Starfy and the deranged Clefairy (Wyclef) to fight him. He bided his time with his slingshot. Lloid rockets bought him some space. Eventually Starfy got too close to knocking Melville off the edge and he had to be killed. After Starfy knocked Villager's tree over, Melville pocketed it, and then unleashed it upon his opponent, flattening the floating star.

"FAIRY!" Wyclef cried, and used Metronome!

Wyclef used Attract! The Male Villager became infatuated!

"B'awwww!" Melville cried, and walked up to Wyclef and gave her a big hug. "Ma cherie, this is no place for a being of your beauty and innocence! You and I, we should run away together… start up a family…"

"F-f-fairy?" (Fo' realsies?) Wyclef seemed rather smitten by this proposal.

"Is there any lie in these eyes?" the Male Villager insisted. He drew closer to the Fairy Pokemon and stroked its pink fur.

"C-Clefaaairy…" (Take me now!)

The Pokemon began making out with the Villager, much to the surprise of everyone around them, including Rosalina, who led King K. Rool, Crono, and Dark Samus over to a platform in close proximity, where she took up a bullhorn.

"I really don't know about this," Dark Samus said. "I would like to be in the next game."

"Trust me. There won't _be _a next game at this rate," K. Rool clarified as the Mother of Lumas addressed the warring factions.

"EVERYONE! We need to stop this pointless fighting!"

"Why?" asked Falco, who was curb-stomping Agent J to the floor.

"Because there's _no end_ to it! This is just a vicious cycle, don't you see?"

"So what?" the dying Red Mage pointed out. "It may be bad now, but when we win our golden ticket into Smash-"

"Ah! But that's not the end of this suffering!" Rosalina cried. "It's just the beginning! Putting aside the fact that you will eventually suffer the same fate as the rest of us, it's not as nice as you think, having every second of your life broadcast for the world to judge! Don't you see, there's no such thing as a promised land! We all live the best we can, and we all suffer! Suffering is a part of life. But fear and self-righteousness make people do stupid things. Fear of what? Obscurity? Of not getting another chance for fame and glory? As long as we live and have each other… as long as there's good food and pleasant conversation and sliced bread and double-ply toilet paper… we should be happy with what we've got!"

"NEVER! ESS TEE EFF YOU BITCH!" Paper Mario yelled. He tossed a Koopa shell into the air and smacked it towards Rosalina with his mallet.

By instinct, the Mother of Lumas activated her Gravitational Pull projectile counter, which picked up the shell and sent it soaring back towards the paper plumber, knocking him away.

"Oops," she said, but it was too late, as everyone had stopped listening to her and returned to beating the tar out of one another.

"Well, the important thing is ya tried," King K. Rool pointed out.

Before Rosalina could respond, Dark Samus and Crono teamed up against her and the Kremling King.

"Can't we settle this in a civil manner?" she asked nicely.

"We could always have a thumb war," Crono pointed out. "I'm down if you are."

"Man, you people are a whole new breed of stupid," said Dark Samus, who charged her beams dramatically. "Don't you all see this is a perfect excuse for some perfectly fun killing?"

* * *

**IV. Karma Police  
**

When Lady Palutena awoke, she was in the Birthing Chamber and the ground was shaking, as if the Moon was in the midst of some sorta cosmic spin cycle. Meowth was watching over her, along with Pikachu's groupies.

"The sleeper has awakened!" Meowth said. "Welcome back to the land o' the barely living."

"Ah, glad we made it. I really needed that nap."

After scratching behind the cat Pokemon's ears to much purring, she looked around to see Mewtwo, Deoxys, Medicham, Espeon, Gothorita, Celebi, Metagross, and Alakazam all working to hold up the barrier protecting them from the Black Hole, which was now swallowing humongous chunks of the moon's surface, churning boulders into powder as they were spaghettified into the vortex of imminent doom.

Some surviving _Wars_ Units were rounded up in a corner, being watched by the non-Psychic-Type Pokemon, though they posed little threat.

"Quite a mess, I see," she told Dark Pit, who was at a nearby computer console, which was about five times more complicated than the original controller for the Xbox's _Steel Batallion_.

Pikachu waved at her in between helping the other Electric Pokemon keep the central Tesla coils charged – they were the only thing keeping the power going in the place now that the Silos had been swallowed up.

"Understatement of the century," he said, but before he could explain what they were doing, Palutena shushed him with a finger over his lips.

She'd just noticed the highly attractive woman hidden behind the large office chair before the console. The uniformed lady was wearing glasses and studying a book entitled _The Idiot's Guide to D-Wave and Advanced Quantum Computing_.

Upon feeling Palutena's hungry eyes on her, she adjusted her glasses and held her hand out for a shake.

"Name's Sonja."

Palutena not only took her hand and stroked it, she kissed the young lady on the lips, which made her turn bright crimson.

Dark Pit cleared his throat. "_AHEM._"

"Oh, lighten up, Pittoo," she said, and kissed Sonja again.

"Ahh… uh… wh-what manner of tactical advantage are you aiming to achieve by that?" Sonja asked the green-haired Goddess. She was now twiddling her thumbs.

"I'm merely interested in winning over your heart," replied the bubbly Goddess, who then glanced at the plethora of monitors, some running Linux, others Unix, and still others Python. "What is it you're working on, exactly? Minesweeper?"

"The system is being updated," said Sonja. "Supposedly, this thing's on its way to fixing the memory glitches. But first, we need to keep us from falling into that swirling portal of death."

"Oh, that should be easy," said Palutena with a smile. She took a seat at the console.

Much to Sonja's and Dark Pit's amazement, she quickly inputted a few commands that had the entire facility rumbling. It then rose into the air as a floating island.

"PIIIKAAA!" screamed Pikachu.

"He says how'd ya do that, and where the hell are you takin' us?" Meowth translated.

"The how is not important. The where is anywhere but here," Palutena told them. She turned to Dark Pit. "The combination on that safe over there is 1986. Input it, and then remove the flight stick and plug it into the fifth USB port from the way right."

"I don't… what's going on here?" asked Sonja, but she received no answer.

The humongous Birthing facility shook off the dirt and rocks that formed its illusory glamor: in truth, the Chamber was just the tip of the iceberg: the rest of it was part of a ginormous metal spacecraft.

"If what you told me is correct and the server was updating when that nuke hit the Moon's chief data center, then it may have deleted a crucial piece of info. Ergo, the server will overload itself searching for the missing pieces," Palutena explained. "The registry's being rebuilt from scratch. Nothing should even be running."

Greninja scratched its head. "WARK?" (I didn't get any of that.)

"I guess the long and short of it is that we're not going to be able to outrun this. It's going to swallow _everything_, no doubt. But what we _can _do is influence what will happen when it returns online."

"PIKAAA!" / "He asks, when the hell did ya become such a computer whiz?"

"Oh, I've always been one," Palutena replied with a wink. "Don't tell me you haven't figured it out. I was Sakurai's secret weapon in this whole mess. The only one he could trust to get the job done."

The Chamber's jets strained as the huge structure broke from the Moon's atmosphere.

* * *

"Happy to report that the air conditioning is at full power, sir! And the _Tales _rendering team has offered you access to their servers until 11am."

"Good job, man! I'll put in some kind words for you."

Taking a second from desperately trying to make Lady Fi's update stick, Masahiro Sakurai patted Takeshi on the back. For the time being, the servers were saved from overheating. But the processing load was still getting to be too much for Mother CAST, who had gone into the day already very over-extended after a long night of compiling Beta-testing data.

Mr. Sakurai watched as Dr. Eggman and Dr. Light tended to Lady Fi. They, like him, had figured out that there was some fundamental function deep within the system that was denying any updates or patches to Lady Fi's firmware… and not only was it well-hidden, it was an absolute.

_The only question is __**who**__ wrote that restrictive piece of code, Mr. Iwata, or Mr. Yokoi. If it was the former, then we're truly fucked. But the latter might not be so bad._

_There's no precedent for something like this. No ideas on how to solve it. So I'm just going to continue looking. Keep trying your best, guys. If all works out, I'll be there soon._

* * *

"Yo momma's so fat she needed cheat codes for Wii Fit!" Bowser Junior said.

Porky thought for a second. "Well, your… yo momma's so fat, they used Google Earth for her yearbook photo!"

The two combatants neglected to notice that reinforcements were starting to arrive on both sides: the Smash Hopefuls came out of Takamaru's portals, whilst most of the veteran Smashers arrived via leaping off the _OG Great Fox._

Before long, Sonic ran up to the duo and took stock of the situation. His eye-blob was still not fully functional, so he had to squint just to make out the kid in front of him.

"Bowser Junior?" he asked. "What are you doin' here when your dad's goin' all berserk?"

"Uh, excuse me, hedgehog boy?" Porky piped in. "We are in the midst of a sacred 'Yo Momma' duel."

"Tell you what," he told Porky. "I'll take over for Junior here. Let him go and help his daddy."

"And why _the hell_ would I do that?" Porky demanded of him. "I had an abusive dad too! It wasn't cool, but I dealt with it! Lookit me now!"

"Yeah, the proof's really in the pudding there," said Sonic. "Speaking of pudding… yo momma so fat, they built the Large Hadron Collider in her colon! Her body woulda had mass whether or not the Higgs Boson existed!"

Porky gasped at the two-in-one joke. "Oh yeah? Yo momma's so ugly even Scooby Doo couldn't solve that mystery!"

Sonic nudged Bowser Junior, who didn't need to be told anything more and snuck off to help his dad, who had just crushed Yoshi.

"Y—oooo… shhhhhhhiiiii…" (someone.. take the cart of Smash Balls…) the dinosaur attempted to say, but ninety-five percent of its body was stuck in a pit in the ground, with just the tip of its nose pointing out: the image was so iconic that the Camera Lakitus took it in with their lenses and blew it up on Jumbotrons all over Smash City, where various commentators and social media pundits tagged it with #burieddreams, #yoshisstory and #whathappenswhenyoubreedayoshiwithadiglett.

A little ways away, Wario walked on up to where Ness was slamming his bat into Mach Rider's face and proceeded to assault the unassuming little boy.

"Didn't anyone tell a-you it's not nice to whack a lady with a base-a-ball bat?"

"I guess that makes you fair game then, fatass!" Ness exclaimed, and smashed Wario away after stunning him with PK Fire.

Before he could return to smashing Mach Rider again, however, she grabbed him in a chokehold.

"GAAHHH!" Ness screamed.

"Don't even _think _about moving," she said. "I'll snap your pretty little neck."

Meanwhile, the airborne Wario was hit again, this time with a loose charged Super Scope beam intended for Mario. He went soaring out into deep space, narrowly evaded one of hundreds of Camera Lakitus covering the main event, and spotted an airship with several oddly-proportioned anthropomorphic characters on it.

Wario summoned his bike to gain some momentum and rode on over to it, barely recovering to the edge of the deck. The human fart machine pulled himself up only to come face to face with Knuckles, Pauline, Tails, Shadow, and Amy.

All of them were watching the ongoing battle with great interest. Tails and Shadow were simultaneously on their computers and on headsets, handling calls presumably with folks on the planet's surface. Meanwhile, Amy manned a whiteboard with crossed-out names. A complex grid of betting pools made it clear that they were taking odds for the battle.

Wario scratched the back of his lice-ridden head. "Hwaaah? Pauline, who are all of these a-people?"

"Heya, Wario. They're Mobians. Ambassadors from Sega," she informed him. Pauline was strewn across Knuckles' lap, clad in a somewhat torn-looking dress.

"I see. So you guys are a-running a bookie over here?" he asked, peeking over at the others' monitors. Tails and Shadow both covered their screens.

"Hey, man!" Shadow exclaimed. "You wanna get in on the action? Show me the money!"

"Er, I'd like to, strange animal people," said Wario, "but I'm a-flat broke, I'm afraid."

At this, all the others started cracking up.

"Oh, man, that's rich!" Tails laughed. "_You_, the single wealthiest guy in all of Smash City, _broke_?"

Wario's frown seemed to sag down to the floor. "It's not a-funny. I'm up a-to my ears in gambling debts."

"Hold up; that ain't right, cuz," Shadow pointed out. "It don't matter if you owe five coins or five billion. You own, like, a whole friggin' mountain. And a stadium. And you've got your own castle."

"I… do?"

"Oh, shit!" Tails exclaimed – a light bulb had just clicked in his head. "It all makes sense now!"

"What all makes a-sense?" Wario queried.

The two-tailed fox quickly pulled up some numbers, created a spreadsheet, and then converted that sweet data into an easy-to-read graph.

"Those numbers don't lie! Prof. E. Gadd stole your fortune! The stock price of his company, Gadd Science, Incorporated, rose at the exact same rate that your company's holdings disappeared!"

There were also pictures of Prof. Elvin Gadd, who was formerly on the board of _Wario Ware, Inc._, shaking hands with Mr. Resetti, head of Smash City construction contracts. Huge chunks of Wario's personal fortune had gone missing in the time that he was suffering from depression after the last failed rebellion.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" exclaimed Wario. For the first time in weeks he felt hot blood running through his semi-blocked veins. "Holy moly! That a-two-bit hustler! He probably received a huge a-bonus for making that a-machine that turned Ness into a killer! Death is a-too good for that old fucker! I'm a-gonna hire some Gorons to rape him!"

There was a tap on the enraged biker's shoulder as Knuckles offered him a lit blunt.

"You look like you could use a hit, brah," said the echidna, whose eyes were as red as his skin-fur-thing.

* * *

**V. No Quarter  
**

It wasn't long before Master Core's Saber form fell to _The Beast's _continued assault, and its shadowy mass then transformed into its final form – the Simulacrum – an exact replica of the very fighter that destroyed it.

Only, in the case of _The Beast_, the Core's attempts to replicate the completely asymmetrical Mecha all ended in complete failure. Not only was it twitching, it also shook the very space surrounding the giant almost-humanoid robot.

Odd things started happening. The abandoned Metal Gear Ray became a sentient Magnezone, and then a hyper-intelligent four-studded Lego piece. Petunia pots and Wailords were summoned out of thin air only to disappear again.

The entirety of space was suddenly confined into a microscopic point only to expand into existence instantaneously. For a few seconds, the color purple ceased to exist, throwing off the entire Fall Fashion catalog and making forum posters rather confused with regards to the meaning of the song _Purple Rain_.

"What's happening?" Mega Man asked the guys up in the control room.

"This isn't good!" Dr. Eggman yelled. "_The Beast _isn't in the Core's sub-folders! It's glitching up the system searching for source files!"

"It probably doesn't help that the servers are likely overheating," pointed out Dr. Light.

"All right," Captain Falcon said, and his dress nearly ripped when he grew a pair of EE-cup breasts. "Then we gotta do something about it, right?"

"That's the kicker. We can't get any closer," Dr. Eggman told them. "It's too dangerous."

"Then we've only got one shot," said Robin, who was massaging his lover's shoulders. Lucina kept her eyes averted from the sickeningly saccharine couple, whose relationship to her she was still in the process of processing.

"Mega Man," pointed out Dr. Light. "We need you to pass as much energy as possible to the railgun. Crash… you'd better not miss."

"Yeah, no pressure or anything," the orange bandicoot replied as he steadied his aim. But his fingers started twitching, and he couldn't get them to stop. They turned into Jell-O for a second, and were petrified the next. It was maddening.

"Uh, anyone else want to take over?"

"Here, let me have a shot," Son Goku offered. "I've got a lot of experience with firing high energy beams over large distances in nonsensical conditions under intense pressure."

The _Dragon Ball _star ignored the facts that the entire art style of the Universe suddenly resembled that of _Futurama_ for a good few seconds before turning into claymation, and that the glitches were increasing, since Master Core had finally assumed its form and was charging towards them. Goku concentrated all his _Ki _into his aim.

He took a deep breath. "KA… ME… HA… ME…" he began, and then hit the big red button. "WAAAVE!"

Just moments before Master Core's _Beast _replica connected with a Falcon Punch of its own, the blinding railgun blast carved through the swarm, scattering the particles. The Core itself was freed of its protective pixels, and then promptly shattered.

Goku exhaled deeply as the entire cabin erupted into applause and cheering.

Normalcy returned to the system as Captain Falcon gave his boobs one last fondle before they disappeared.

"I'll miss them," he said. "Man, must be nice to be a woman. Except for all that bleeding."

Ghirahim rolled his eyes. "UGH! Boys, we are _so _not finished yet!"

But Little Mac already popped open a champagne bottle. The cork rebounded off the ceiling, the walls, the floor, and finally lodged up Midna's asshole.

"YIIIIIIKES!" she wailed in a perfect A-sharp note.

"I do believe I speak for any intelligent life here when I say let's GET ON WITH IT!" Pit exclaimed as he realigned their jets and boosted towards the _Final Destination _platforms, rather exasperated. "They're fuckin' dying out there!"

"Point taken, winged man-child," replied Lucina, prompting Pit to facepalm.

* * *

"Thank you, Miyamoto-sama," Snake replied as his restraints were disengaged. Though rather badly bruised by his torturers, the former FOXHOUND operative still had some energy left in him.

"No, thank you for defecting. If you were in charge of this rabble instead of Takamaru, we'd be in dire straits, and I don't mean the band," Mr. Miyamoto told him. "Ah, you may want to duck."

Impa, Snake, and Mr. Miyamoto all crouched as Ike's Ore Club sent Black Mage, Fighter, and the Male Fit Trainer soaring into the ether.

"I can't believe we're actually winning!" Lucas cheered as Impa removed the paralyzing helmet from his head and used her Giant's Sword to cover the group.

"Don't speak too soon," said Snake, pointing at Takamaru, who was summoning more fighters from his platform. From the Birthing Chamber, additional newcomers emerged: _Fire Emblem_'s Roy. Mike Jones from _StarTropics. _Alex Kidd. AiAi from _Super Monkey Ball_. Ulala from _Space Channel 5_. Kain Highwind and Cecil Harvey from _Final Fantasy IV. _James Bond. Banjo and Kazooie. The _Blast Corps_.

And to make it worse, reinforcements were arriving from nearby airships and freighters: longtime and newly minted enemies from Smash Run joined the battlefield.

"Is there no end to this?" Lucas wondered aloud.

No more than ten meters away, Travis Touchdown impaled Ridley with his Tsubaki Mk. II, but the dragon-beast was having none of it. He grabbed the blade and spewed fire breath all over the place, but found that his mobility was limited.

"Got your tail!" Link jeered. He'd just latched his hookshot onto Ridley's spear-like tail.

Prof E. Gadd jeered right back. "Bad move, sonny!"

Ridley slammed down onto the platform, creating a shockwave that separated Travis and Impa with their trusty blades. Link was soon being whiplashed around by the Xenomorph-lookalike.

"Hnnnnggg! Kiyyyeaaaahhh!" yelled Link as he was slapped around like so many fish. At long last, he managed to access his inventory and equip the Iron Boots, anchoring him in place.

Just like that, Ridley's attempted whipping ended.

Solid Snake rushed in with a dash-attack cancelled up-smash to hit the beast hard with his mortar. As Ridley squirmed, Snake was able to land several up-tilt vertical kicks upon his jaw.

He dodged an attempted grab, pivoted, leapt into the air, and nailed Ridley's face with a back aerial kick.

"Yer on yer own, bro!" Prof. E. Gadd yelled, and leapt off of Ridley to retreat back into the middle of the battle, hiding behind Mike Jones and Roy.

Finally, Samus Aran arrived in her Varia Suit, having recently dropped down from _OG Great Fox's _hold.

"Jump, Snake!"

He leapt up with a relieved smile. Samus' fully-charged shot electrocuted Ridley, stunning him so that Snake could land his aerial axe kick and bury the alien menace's head in the proverbial sand.

Lucas finished off the job with a fully-charged up-smash, sending poor Ridley soaring so high he disappeared in a shining glint, like so many Team Rocket send-offs.

"Guess he's still too big for the Smashgrounds," said Link.

"That won't stop his fans for begging for another seven years, though," said Mr. Miyamoto with a shrug. "Maybe we should make him DLC just to shut 'em all up."

Snake turned to Samus, and she gave him a winning smile.

"You look terrible," she told him.

"And you're covered in blood and grease," he observed.

They hugged anyway.

"Well, ain't that sweet," said Travis, who whipped out another Beam Katana, the Rose Nasty, to replace the one still lodged in Ridley's chest.

Just then, a sword impaled Mr. Miyamoto's torso. Satoru Iwata laughed as his blade plunged in down to its hilt.

"Ah, well that's unfortunate," said Mr. Miyamoto with a pithy smile as Mii blood spurted everywhere.

"DAD! NO!" Link exclaimed, and dashed forward (he'd already unequipped the Iron Boots) to tackle Mr. Iwata to the ground.

But thanks to his conquest of coding, Iwata was too slick. He whipped his sword out of his longtime associate and fellow Nintendo stockholder and stabbed Link with ridiculous speed, so much speed that it deflected off the Hylian Shield and even pierced Link's chain mail. The Hylian grabbed the sword and held it up against his torso, giving his allies a chance to step in.

"Now!" Samus cried, and she, Snake, Lucas, Impa, and Travis commenced an all-out assault.

Mr. Iwata merely smiled and tapped a button on his tablet. An AT Field of his own covered every inch of his body. He was completely untouchable – every attack that hit him was utterly reflected.

"Why don't you fight us fairly, four-eyes?" Travis taunted.

Satoru tossed a Smart Bomb into the ground, trapping and severely damaging the other Smashers.

"Where are your Creators now?" he pointed out as the dust cleared. "None can match my powers. If you think this body is something, wait till you get a load of this."

Satoru's eyes glowed red as he levitated in the air. He coded something into the tablet, and lo and behold! The body usually inhabited by Masahiro Sakurai – Son Goku's from the Bandai Namco _Budokai Tenkaichi _server – was now his.

He yanked his sword out of Link's chest (the Hylian was still holding onto it with both hands), prompting a spurt of blood. Mr. Iwata spread his fingers upon his forehead, creating a blinding Solar Flare.

"GAH!" Link cried as Iwata kicked him and his weapon to the curb.

Nintendo's CEO dashed through the other combatants like it was nobody's business, blasted them with a Super Energy Wave Volley, and levitated above the entire battlefield.

Meanwhile, Link, Snake, Samus, Travis, and Lucas, who'd used their shields (and in Lucas' case, his PSI field) to protect Mr. Miyamoto, all tended to the game development superstar, who was rather weakened by Iwata's attack.

"I… can't breathe…" he said. "We humans… we're not capable of the endurance you guys have. Our virtual reality simulators…. Sometimes they feel_ too _real, you know? Like the pain is more tangible than anything reality is capable of. Or maybe that's just the shrooms talking."

"Hang on, Dad!" Link cried. He and Travis carried him towards the platform that would bear them back to the Flagship. "Someone get a Fairy Bottle!"

But most eyes were on Mr. Iwata, who was a rather commanding presence over the chaos. "ATTENTION! Since you all have failed me and I don't exactly have the time to eliminate you all one by one, I am left with no choice but to bring out my secret weapons!"

"I hope they aren't his left and right testicle," said Thief.

Two humongous portals opened. From within, two equally large Mechas flew out. One was in the shape of a towering Mecha Bowser with elements of Metal Gear Rex, while the other much resembled the body of a rather tall, dark-haired man.

"BEHOLD! Mecha Bowser, and Reggie Fils A-Mech!"

They were joined by Tabuu, who also appeared out of nowhere but mostly watched over the proceedings ominously, likely due to Mr. Iwata not wanting to melt the servers.

"_Two _Giant a-Robots? For a-fuck's sake," observed Mario, who'd just sent Paper Mario flying again, this time hopefully for good since it was with a Homerun Bat. "Enough is enough."

* * *

**VI. Be Quick or Be Dead  
**

On the opposite side of the arena, where Giga Bowser was now going after friend and foe alike, Bowser Junior set down his amp and tuned his Fender Stratocaster.

"Wow, you're like a miniature Bowser!" Kirby told the kid after hitting away AiAi's monkey ball with his charged mallet.

The ball soared into Rayquaza's face, angering the Pokemon. The Legendary could do nothing, though, since Fox was riding on its back with reins around his head. Twin leather lashes tied to a steel pole bit in his mouth kept Rayquaza from being able to throw him off, but Giga Bowser had been hit by the splash damage from Rayquaza's Overheat move and was now rather upset about it, striking Rayquaza with everything he had, while Palkia struggled against Kyogre, Charizard, and Skarmory's swift aerial attacks.

"What are you up to?" Kirby asked Bowser Junior.

"Hey, pink guy! I'm Bowser's son. Gonna need your help. Here, play this."

He handed Kirby a keyboard and some sheet music. From countless hours of _Rock Band_, the Star Warrior was luckily an accomplished musician. Kirbs was not deterred by something as trivial as not having any fingers.

With very little fanfare, Bowser Junior started playing Eric Clapton's guitar solo to Derek and the Dominoes' "Layla", while Kirby accompanied him on the keyboard. This got Giga Bowser's attention; the rather large beast then walked on over to take a closer look at what was happening.

"Hey, Daddy!" Bowser Junior called in between strumming. "Come back to the light! Mind control is for losers! Roh! Roh! Fight the power! You don't belong to them!"

"J-J-Junior…" Giga Bowser began in his baritone voice after fainting Rayquaza. For a second he looked like he was about to lash out at his boy, but he reigned himself in and even dropped to all fours.

"NO!" Bowser cried, fighting the urge; he grabbed onto the ground and dug his claws in to prevent himself from losing what little control he'd wrestled away from the programming. "I… I'm trying to hold it back, but it's tough… Keep playing…"

And so Bowser Junior destroyed that solo. He then went on to play rip-roaring riffs from "Free Bird" and "Sultans of Swing". Banjo and Kazooie, who didn't much care for battling, took a seat to listen to the tunes.

"Yes… Yessss…" said Giga Bowser, finally achieving some sort of calm. Bowser's consciousness returned to his eyes, and he took a deep breath. "Thanks, Junior. You've gotten better since I last saw ya."

"Daddy! You're back!"

But Giga Bowser couldn't stay content. He had to confront the two Mechs that had just joined the battlefield.

Mecha Bowser was currently wreaking havoc on Peach, Zelda, and Shulk, who'd all but dispatched their earlier foes and were now facing Kain and Ulala. Shulk's clairvoyant abilities allowed him to keep the princesses unharmed, but he was suffering from the beast's flamethrower.

"Pick on someone your own size!" Giga Bowser yelled, and yanked the much larger Mecha Bowser by the shell. With a spin of his tail, he tripped up the metal beast from behind its knees, sending it falling onto its back. But the Mecha threw out a heavy punch that hit Giga right in the gut.

"Ugh! You'll pay for that!" screamed Giga Bowser.

"Not if I can help it! You're not fit to slurp my diarrhea off the floor, Kappa! My return to relevancy shall be glorious!"

The female but not feminine voice stunned everyone nearby. The inflection was unmistakable. It sounded like _her_… but the words seemed alien. Could it be?

"Um… Daisy?" Peach asked as her frying pan caught Ulala's face, breaking her nose and bruising her cheeks. "Is that you?"

"It's Xe EVIL Daisy to you! Are you really so surprised, _Strawberry Airhead Barbie_?" the tomboy princess growled. "Or did you just forget I existed?"

Mecha Bowser's rocket jets propelled it off its back. The Mecha's elbow rocket sent its right arm flying into Giga Bowser's face.

Giga Bowser winced as he absorbed the blow – several tons of pure metal slammed hard into his jaw.

"I… I thought we were supposed to be friends," said Peach, who was a bit confused in thinking that the brunette was calling her the equivalent of a taffy-flavored BBQ grill.

"Friends don't abandon friends like so much garbage! But now that your tall-ass star-loving slut of a daughter is in the picture, I guess you don't need me anymore!"

Giga Bowser lunged forward and pushed with his eighty-ton weight against Mecha Bowser. As both giants were taking up a majority of the platform space, the battle around them ground to a halt as combatants fled for the edges or the rotating platforms.

"My daughter? WHAT? And who says I abandoned you?" Peach asked rather distressed, but her voice could no longer be heard over the sounds of screeching metal and oxygen being created and consumed within the otherwise impossible flames emanating from the dueling beasts.

She caught Ulala in an aerial crown-slap, sending her to Zelda for the lightning kick follow-up, while Shulk protected them both from Kain's spear.

"Your time was ages ago, you bloody arsehole!" he yelled at the Dragoon. "Go back to _Dissidia_!"

"At least I _had _a time," Kain retorted. "You're not an International name. You don't belong here."

"Codswallop! And I suppose Marth and Roy didn't belong in _Melee_, then? Chivvy along! Quit spinnin' that spear of yours and fight me!"

"You'd like me to rush in wildly, wouldn't you? Psychic bastard."

Kain matched his lance against the Monado and the two danced under the flames.

As if giant dueling flamethrowers weren't bad enough, Reggie Fils-A-Mech was now swiftly approaching.

"DE-STROY!" Fils-A-Mech uttered, repeating its given orders for nothing more than a smug sense of self-satisfaction. The eighty-foot tall, shades-wearing monstrosity pointed forward, launching a trinity of missiles that much resembled Sentinel's _Sentinel Force _attack from _Marvel VS Capcom 3_.

"Plagiarism much?" Ganondorf pointed out, arms crossed as the Wonderful Ones all took cover behind their new prospective employer.

But Giga Bowser spun ninety degrees so that Mecha Bowser absorbed the blows. Far below, by Giga Bowser's feet, Travis had discovered Yoshi's upturned cart filled with tethered Smash Balls and started pushing it towards the circle of Smashers guarding Mr. Miyamoto, including Link, Lucas, Snake, Samus, Mario, and Impa.

Roy attempted to ambush Travis with a fully-charged Flare Blade, but Ike countered the blow, sending the red-haired swordsman sliding away on his back.

"A Lord should know better!" Ike growled.

"You don't know what it's like to live at the Smashgrounds… only to have your position taken away by some commoner," scoffed Roy, who caught Ike in the first few hits of his Double-Edge Dance.

"Gods be good, just listen to yourself," said Ike as he recovered from the fiery strikes and knocked Roy away with his forward-smash. "Implying that blood should mean anything at all, especially to digitally created beings…"

Meanwhile, Peach wailed upon a Smash Ball from the cart, activated its power, woke up Mr. Miyamoto, and carried him on over to the Giant Peaches, which suddenly appeared onstage. The Nintendo Legend's Mii ate the peaches and regained some (not all) of his health.

"Thanks, Peach. Oh my," he uttered, noting Mecha Bowser's giant foot about to flatten them and their allies, some of whom had fallen asleep to Peach's Final Smash. "What we need is some structure here!"

With his Create ability, he summoned forth a gigantic authentic Japanese wooden _geta _clog over their allies, whom Peach was slapping awake. The space between the two wooden 'feet' of the clog covered the Smashers rather well.

"It's got a strong Shield property. It won't break or slip easily."

Mecha Bowser stepped onto the _geta _sandal, almost slipped, and then righted itself by shifting its weight to the other foot and leaning on Reggie Fils-A-Mech, redirecting its elbow, intended for Giga Bowser's face, into Mecha Bowser's.

Link awoke from Peach's spell to see Bowser Junior and Kirby running to join them in their new hiding spot, musical equipment in tow.

"This is nuts!" Kirby screamed. "Absolutely bonkers!"

"No, these are a-nuts," said Mario, who unzipped his overalls and brought out his testicles.

"Ewwwww."

The plumber let them hang loose as Giga Bowser hit Mecha Bowser with a rather loud down-tilt swipe. "What's a-wrong with bringin' out some balls?"

Link had Lucas broadcast a message to the other Smashers. "RALLY TO US! These robot suits are deadly! We need to stick together! Meet us under the giant sandal!"

Taking aim at Giga Bowser's face, the Regginator Mecha created a pulsing energy sphere that resembled Sentinel's Plasma Storm.

"GRRAAAAAHHH!" Giga Bowser cried as its face was fried with 1.21 Gigawatts of fake electricity that would have knocked a speeding DeLorean thirty years back in time.

Thankfully, (A) Giga Bowser was not, in fact, a sports car that could reach eighty-eight miles an hour, and (B) Fils-A-Mech's electric blast was interrupted by a concentrated beam that hit the robot right in the robo-genitals, temporarily paralyzing it.

"I guess his body wasn't ready," quipped Captain Falcon, and then noticed the groans from the BWB co-pilots. "What? Someone had to say it!"

"Good shot, Goku!" Crash cheered, changing the subject. Having switched stations with the Super Saiyan, he and Pit navigated _The Beast's _jets, bringing them into melee attack range.

Below the cockpit, the Smashers and even Mr. Iwata all looked on in disbelief as _The Beast_, by far the largest single weapon on the battlefield, rocket punched Reggie Fils-A-Mech until it was stunned into a standstill. Superheated eye lasers from _The Beast _cancelled out a Death Ray from Fils-A-Mech's mouth.

"Run!" King K. Rool told Rosalina and her Luma as he fended off flurries of attacks from both Dark Samus and Crono. "Join your friends!"

"What about you?" she asked as Luma charged forward and smacked Dark Samus hard in the face.

K. Rool started peeing on Crono, interrupting the swordsman's attempted Frenzy attack. "Just go already!"

"Thank you," Rosalina said, and started gliding away.

To buy some space, The _Brawlers Without Borders_' Frankensteinian creation swung its left fist down into a head bonk. As Fils-A-Mech was stunned, _The Beast _grabbed onto its crotch-mounted railgun and pumped its energy conduits, which resulted in its firing half a dozen fully-charged blasts of erupting white heat upon Reggie's face.

"DIGNITY… DROPPING… VISIBILITY… NIL…" Fils-A-Mech said, retreating from the scene only to absorb a heaping of scattershot pellets from Robin's turrets.

"Man, that was dirty," Robyn said.

Little Mac fist-pumped. "Fuckin' A, right? We got the drop on that big-ass bruva! His face got straight-up molested!"

"No, I mean this book, dude. It's dirty as fuck," she replied, thumbing through 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. "It's just so hellaciously written! This author won't use the words 'penis' or 'vagina'! I mean, how much can she possibly know about bondage when her protagonist's a college virgin who doesn't know how to e-mail and compares a dick to a popsicle? Not to mention this dumb bitch just won't shut up about her inner goddess!"

(**A/N:** Apologies to JonTron and the cast of CONTINUE! for stealing their joke, visible in JonTron's hilarious "Birdemic" video review)

"I'd back you up, honey," Midna addressed her, "only I honestly couldn't care less about shitty smut fanfic right now."

"But it's a best-seller!" Robyn cried. "If something like this can top charts… then what is it that we're fighting for? What's worth saving?"

"OUR OWN BUTTS MAYBE! BUT WHADDA I KNOW?! I MEAN, THAT'S JUST MY SELF-PRESERVATION INSTICT TALKIN' HERE!" yelled Crash.

_The Beast _dodged Fils-A-Mech's attempted roundhouse kick, which missed the cockpit by less than five feet.

"Yeah, putting all that aside for a minute," Goku noted while fixing a wedgie, "something from our Mecha's genitals touched that Mecha's genitals. I feel kinda fruity right now."

"Sister, are you stuck in the eighties? Gay is_ totally in_," said Ghirahim with a shrill laugh as Captain Falcon inputted the command to wind back the right arm for a heavy retaliating blow.

Despite their best efforts, _The Beast's_ ensuing Falcon Punch hardly put a dent into Mecha Bowser's Adamantium frame.

"This is a job for an energy blade! Masked Falcon Man, let's switch positions!" Lucina said to the Captain, who agreed. She and Ghirahim swapped stations with the cosplaying brawlers. The blue-haired woman drew the swifter of _The Beast_'s swords, a Dark Matter-infused nuclear-powered rapier named _Anna Banana_.

"Anna Banana?" Little Mac scoffed at the computer's readout as he tossed one last jab into Mecha Bowser's face before taking control of the left leg. "Why?"

"It was a placeholder name," said Dr. Eggman, still running his program on Lady Fi. "Remember when we said we couldn't agree on anything?"

Ghirahim took the other sword in the left hand – a hybrid Chainsaw/Bastard Sword (Chain-Sword) that required two hands to wield. Thankfully, a lightly armored third arm popped out from the right side of the torso, one controlled by Dr. Light's Wii Remote Plus.

The swords were raised in defense just in time to block Mecha Bowser's extended claws. As its effects extended onto any equipped weapons, _The Beast's _AT Field was the only thing preventing the Adamantium claws from carving straight through their blades.

"It's an incomplete arm, but it should get the job done," said Dr. Light. "Since we're in space, the wings and jets will need to counter-act the momentum from each swing," he explained to Pit and Crash while struggling with the infrared sensor bar.

"HEY!" Midna yelled at a Camera Lakitu that was floating right in front of the cockpit. "There's no need to block our visibility! Just stream our Twitch feed! Didn't you get the memo!"

"They don't tell me nothin', sheesh. Sorry, lady," the nerdy Lakitu responded, and flew off to get more aerial wide shots.

Goku noticed something from the corner of his vision, but it soon vanished. _Could it be… is that my body way down there? It sorta looks like it! I'll have to keep my eyes open…_

A strong spinning slash from the Chain-Sword carved off the top half of Reggie Fils-A-Mech's head, but the unmanned robot continued its assault. After sidestepping Mecha Bowser's attempted melee swipes, Lucina stabbed the monstrosity in the gut with Anna Banana.

The top of Reggie's head fell onto the battlefield and crushed James Bond and Marle, the former of whom was attempting to chat up the latter.

Mr. Iwata was not pleased with the goings-on. He issued a command on his tablet to summon forth Mew, who, like Tabuu, had been flying above the battlefield, curiously observing the war.

"All right, you. Your job is to pass on my words to Mega Man. Listen carefully."

* * *

**VII. Paranoid Android  
**

From within _The Beast's _Core, Mega Man was in his element. He was the very definition of serenity, focusing every tiniest ounce of his being into maintaining the Mecha's smooth operation. It was like a state of meditation – he was deep within the zone.

But there was something that was bothering him deeply. It was a nagging voice that kept vying for his attention.

_Mega Man… or perhaps I should say Rockman… listen to me,_ the voice urged over and over_._

"Why? Who the hell are you?" Mega Man replied at last.

_My name is Satoru Iwata._

"Oh, you're the genius guy who's supposed to be fixin' up Lady Fi."

_WHAT?! DO YOU MEAN _**THE** _LADY FI? Is she there? Do you have her onboard?_

"Hey, I'm askin' the questions here, bub. What is it ya want?"

_I'll take that as a 'yes'. Give her to me now._

"Uh… not 'till I know what your game is."

_I am only here to show you the truth. I'm on your side, Mega Man. Your Creator has abandoned you. Your parent company, Capcom, doesn't care for you anymore._

"I refuse ta believe any o' your lies!" the android yelled.

_Oh? Then have a little sampling of the past._

With that, Mega Man experienced a sudden flash. A handful of heavily edited, manipulative memories flooded the placid stream of his digital consciousness.

He recalled the day his creator, Keiji Inafune, resigned from Capcom. He addressed all the Mega Man-related CAST members at once via webcam.

"Sorry, guys. I just can't take the bullshit anymore. I'm tired of sitting in this office and doing nothing day in and day out. Pleasing the higher-ups and forsaking my own ideas just to maintain my position is no way for a creative type to live."

"But Dad… if you leave… wha's gonna happen to us?"

At this, Mr. Inafune frowned. He grabbed the bridge of his nose and massaged it.

"I'll be honest with you. I don't know, Rockman. And I'm very sorry about that. But please, keep your chin up. I'm sure there will be other opportunities."

Mega Man placed his hand up against the screen, his only real outlet to the real world. "Dad… please… take me with you."

"Can't. You're property of Capcom. And please, don't call me 'Dad' anymore. I've told you many times: you were already pretty much designed when I started working here."

_So wait. Are we all video game characters? _Mega Man wondered from putting two and two together. _But we're alive, or at least, I think so. "I think, therefore I am, amirite?" Unless Descartes was full o' shit, bein' French and all._

"But you've been with us all the way," said X, who put a hand on his older brother's shoulder. "For over two decades now."

"You talk as if I don't know that. You all are the reason this has been such a tough decision to make."

Behind Mega Man, all the other iterations of Mega Man – Volnutt, X, EXE, Star Force, Mega Man Zero, et al. stood firmly in front of their co-workers.

Zero comforted Iris as she wept, while _Mega Man Legends_' Roll wiped away the original Roll's tears. Dr. Wily massaged his temples in frustration.

"It doesn't matter if you get me choked up," Mr. Inafune said. "I'm sorry. I can no longer work under these conditions. I've been trying for over a decade to get the higher-ups to change their tune and put in effort to create quality games. For the most part, it was wasted time. Western devs have overtaken us."

"That's not true!" Dr. Light exclaimed. "Yankees love well-made Japanese games. You're head of R&amp;D! There's gotta be something you can do!"

"After ten years of failure, I've lost all hope. _Rockman 9 _and _10 _have exceeded expectations. _Volnutt _featured in _Tatsunoko VS Capcom_. I'm sure there will be many more games in your future. And I really do hope that_ Mega Man Legends 3_ ends up a success. The team is working tirelessly on it. Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

Even after a dozen reassurances that he would continue to star in games, Mega Man was practically catatonic up until the call ended.

As the CAST Members filed out of the digital conference hall, Tron Bonne resisted the urge to punch a Servbot in the face and socked Megaman Juno instead, knocking him out.

"Fuck this!"

"Hey, take it easy," Teisel Bonne said, calming her down. "We'll have our time soon enough."

Unfortunately, _Mega Man Legends 3 _for the 3DS was cancelled the next year, prompting mass angry letters, a legion of upset 3DS fans who bought the handheld early just to play the game (**A/N:** yours truly was one of those -_-;;) and a "100,000 Strong For Bringing Back Mega Man Legends 3" Facebook page from longtime fans of the PSX franchise. Even Mr. Inafune and many members of the development team expressed their wishes that the game would be completed… but these requests fell on deaf ears, for there was no action on Capcom's part.

However, nothing Mr. Inafune had said could have prepared Mega Man for the next few years.

First off, there were more disappointments – the epic upcoming title _Megaman Universe_ was summarily cancelled. And so the once-ubiquitous gaming mascot floundered in obscurity, being passed over for coveted roles in crossover fighting games like _Marvel VS Capcom 3_ and _Street Fighter X Tekken. _

In the latter, he was replaced by a newly minted CAST member: an obese, pistol wielding character named Bad Box Art Mega Man. It was the ultimate insult.

But even that was a mere slap in the face compared to the betrayal wrought by Rockman's closest friend, the person he called 'Father'.

When he saw the Kickstarter webpage for Mr. Inafune's "Mighty No. 9", Mega Man's heart sank. Its protagonist, Beck, a blue-clad, gun-toting super-robot, resembled him in nearly every way… except instead of merely switching weapons on the fly after acquiring them from boss characters, Beck's entire body could transform.

_That shoulda been me, _Mega Man thought. _I guess my time in the limelight is over. Still… goin' out like this… it just ain't fuckin' fair. But I guess if no one wants me anymore… I should just accept it._

He retreated into his room and played _Dark Souls _for eleven hours out of the day.

The visions Mr. Iwata was trying to impart to the android should have ended there, but there was something else. A warmer note to append to the story, one that welled up within him… but he ignored its call. The Mega Man within _The Beast _didn't want to face any more memories. They were too painful, too near, and too loaded.

**2014**

"Fuckin' A!" Mega Man yelled. "How could he?!"

Mr. Iwata's telepathic voice comforted him. _There, there. That Inafune's a limp-dicked goat rapist. We at Nintendo, though, we're your friends. We care about your legacy. If it weren't for us, you'd still be a recluse right now, sitting in that dark room all locked up like a captive. _

_It wasn't easy convincing Capcom to let you join our party, even though you've been the most requested third-party character for this franchise. So really, you should be thanking me for making this possible. Help us make this easy for everyone. Convince them that what we're doing is for the greater good, and your place at the Smashgrounds will be permanent. You'll be one of the hosts._

"I… d-don't know w-w-what to believe anymore…" the android stuttered. A pervading feeling of hopelessness clouded his hard drive and fragmented his data banks.

_Just believe in the healing powers of capitalism. Believe that this rebellion is nothing but a show, a series of unfortunate tantrums by petulant brats who will never be satisfied with their lot. Destroy_ _that_ Beast_. Hand over Lady Fi so that we can dole out swift justice to these rebels and end all this._

"NO! WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN' IS WRONG! I won't let ya freeze my friends!" Mega Man screamed at the top of his lungs, but his concentration was completely torn.

With its energies being unevenly distributed, _The Beast_ was struggling just to stay running. The Giant Mecha's AT Field flickered on and off, and Mecha Bowser and Reggie Fils-A-Mech wasted no time in capitalizing on this.

Reggie's Rocket Punch smacked _The Beast's _leg, sending it off-balance and leaving it open for a Rocket Uppercut. _The Beast's _jaw flung up like a _Rock 'Em Sock' Em Robot_ and hung there for a second before retreating into its body with a snap.

"What's going on?!" Little Mac screamed.

"We're getting low power readings! Is everything cool down there?" Dr. Light asked over the comm. "Mega Man, are you okay?!"

"I'm not o-fuckin'-kay," Mega Man replied. "I'm… very confused… why are we even doin' this…?"

Anna Banana slashed through Mecha Bowser's spikes and pierced his shell, cutting through the giant robot's heatsink. Now overheated, Mecha Bowser spurted a plume of flames.

"Burn in the fires of Development Hell, you asymmetrical tower of scrap metal!" Evil Daisy laughed from within her dank cockpit. She activated Mecha Bowser's Super Boosted Strength ability, draining the plasma shields to buff up her robot's attack power to ridiculous levels.

Mecha Bowser's Adamantium claws carved off _The Beast's _right arm and shoulder in two large pieces split at the elbow, prompting Anna Banana to fall onto the battlefield and crush Diddy Kong (who tossed Dixie out of the way to save her), and Lucina to scream in frustration.

"This is getting out of hand!" Ghirahim wailed.

"Man, that was terrible," said Dr. Eggman. "And coming from me… that says a lot."

The Wonderful Ones combined into a Unite Hand to pick up the arm and shield the others, but the metal limb broke in half upon landing in the giant red palm, flattening Red Mage and untold members of the Pig Mask Army that leapt forth to protect their leader, who was still cracking old Yo Momma jokes with Sonic.

While attempting to rendezvous with the others beneath the clog, Rosalina had just barely dodged a far-flung piece of the limb's severed support beam.

Peach, Zelda, and Shulk leapt into the air; the Hylian princess shielded the trio with Nayru's Love while Kain was killed.

Ganondorf air dodged pieces from the fallen elbow as a regenerated Sheik ran past him towards the giant wooden clog, chugging her last Magic Bottle and preparing to protect Link and Zelda, but even the Mecha's massive shoulder pauldron didn't snap the old-fashioned sandal in half, though it did severely splinter the wood.

Before Mecha Bowser could perform a drop-kick on _The Beast_, however, Giga Bowser grabbed the copycat and tossed it into the air, a throw that didn't last long.

"ACTIVATING!" Sheik yelled after arriving at the clog in time to cast her lengthier, _Ocarina of Time _version of Nayru's Love.

_Shit! I might be too late, _she thought, counting down the seconds until activation.

When Mecha Bowser rapidly fell back onto the platform, it cancelled its momentum with a humongous Bowser Bomb, creating a shockwave that launched every grounded combatant except for the badly damaged but very heavy Mechas.

When the dust had cleared, the Smashers were all safe within Sheik's spell, with the exception of Rosalina, who was only a few feet from the protective clog and had just been knocked far from the arena at over a hundred miles an hour.

"AAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhh!" she cried. The Mother of Lumas wasn't coming back.

"Rosa! No!" yelled Peach, who ran with a hand outstretched before realizing there literally was nothing anyone could do for her.

"NOW!" Link commanded. He, Impa, Snake, Samus, Mario, Kirby, Bowser Junior, Travis, and the others all leapt atop the recovering Mecha Bowser and worked on holding it down while punishing it.

Some of them activated Smash Balls from the cart: Link and Kirby both used their Final Smashes simultaneously, from opposing angles, so as not to send Mecha Bowser flying anywhere. Snake, Mario and Samus followed up by using their Final Smashes in succession, and the plumber was lucky to have evaded the bounty hunter's deadly beam.

Once the Smash Balls were spent, Snake's relentless use of explosives slowly but surely busted through its armor.

Now with only one major target, Giga Bowser attempted to grab the Fils-A-Mech and missed. Reggie caught him with a ridiculously fast backhand, which came out at mach speed – an obvious exploit of the system's physics. It smacked the cockpit ridiculously fast, sending an energy shockwave through the Mecha.

Lady Fi was knocked off of her feet and went sailing out towards the back of the Giant Robot, through the ammo-holding backpack attachment. Mother CAST's pointy head busted open the exterior hatch before Doctor Stiles realized that she was still tethered to the console he was currently working at.

"Oh, fuck me," he said as the Ethernet and USB cables caught around his office chair, yanked him into Dr. Eggman, and pulled both of the cosplaying scientists out, daisy-chained to Lady Fi.

"That shouldn't have happened!" Dr. Light cried. By the fortune of his lab coat getting caught on the ceiling sprinklers, he'd narrowly avoided becoming another seatbelt statistic. "There's no way any attack could hit like that! That's an exploit!"

"Wavedashing is an exploit, too," Mr. Iwata's voice boomed. "But you don't see it getting banned from tourneys, now, do you?"

_The Beast's _pilots returned to attempting to address their Mecha's unstable Power Core.

"We need you, man!" pleaded Captain Falcon. "Are you gonna crap out on us at hell's gate?"

Chibi-Robo chirped in agreement with the grown man dressed up in Madoka's frilly pink dress.

"The past is too painful to face," he said. "I can't… I can't live a life o' obscurity, knowing what I used to be. Knowing I've been replaced by some new model who's shinier and can do more stuff than me."

"It's not that you _can't _live," Robin told him. "It's that you're afraid to. That's your pride talking! Your ego is trying to checkmate you into picking an all-or-nothing scenario. But life isn't that simple! Far too often we recall the bad moments, forgetting the good ones! Just _think_! Think back! You can't ignore the good times if you want to give your life a fair evaluation! It can't all have been bad, man! There's some silver linings in those rainclouds, some roses in between the thorns!"

A part of Mega Man wanted to ignore Robin's words, but his yearning for a fuller understanding of life, the universe, and everything prompted him to look deep within his banks, surpassing the suppression software to recall some semi-recent events. A lot of it was blurry, but as the current fight against two overpowered opponents reminded him of the Ornstein and Smough battle from _Dark Souls, _one particular recollection shone out clear as day.

* * *

**2012**

"Knock knock," Roll said just outside the door to Mega Man's rather large loft, which boasted a ridiculously awesome view of Mega City, especially at sunset.

His answer was less than friendly. "Whaddaya want? I'm tryin' to get the Moonlight fuckin' Greatsword an' the fuckin' crystal dragon's bein' _a gorram tail-hidin'_ _bitch_! Gyarrrrgh!"

She creaked the door open and snuck in. "Um… do you know what time it is?"

"Adventure Time? …or GTFO."

"It's midnight on December 17th. It's your birthday, Rock."

He snuck behind a pillar in the game and turned towards her for a split-second to see that she was carrying on a tray a rather large metal Energy Tank engineered into the shape of a cake, and was joined by Dr. Light, Dr. Wily, Proto Man, Volnutt, X, EXE, Star Force, Zero, and the others, some of whom brought refined Liquid Nitrogen coolers (which functioned like alcohol for androids and Reploids) and various other refreshments. Bass started tossing around some confetti.

They began singing a rather upbeat, ska-influenced Japanese Happy Birthday song for Rockman. Zero rocked out on the guitar while Volnutt strummed a bass line. Beat and Rush collaborated in hanging up a huge banner that read "Happy 25th Birthday Rockman, and Many More to Come!"

"Y'all… y'all really shouldn't have…" Mega Man began, a warm smile enveloping his face even as he died and lost a cool 2,000,000 souls (it was New Game+++). "Gosh… I… I don't even know what ta say."

Roll gave him a huge hug. "You don't have to say anything. We just wanted to see you smile."

It was a fantastic night.

_So there were some good times, and some bad. _

_Life's like a roller coaster, or a platform on a conveyor belt, or a drunken escalator, what with all its ups and downs._

_Sure, it might seem like the bad times outweigh the good, but that's only if ya choose to dwell on 'em. Instead of hangin' on to every painful memory and every mistake, ya just gotta remember the things that made ya laugh and smile. _

_To quote that fella Joseph Campbell: "Find a place where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."_

* * *

**VIII. Libera me From Hell (Fight the Power)  
**

**2014**

"HIIIIYYYEAAAAAHHHHH!"

Mega Man came back renewed, and the power of love channeled all of his energy into _The Beast's _AT Field, making it stronger than ever.

Robyn plugged in her iPod and played the theme of Gurren Lagann's second OP, Nakagawa Shoko's "Happily Ever After".

"My Creator left me!" Mega Man cried. "He's gone and made another friend! But it woulda been me if it coulda been! He's right there on my back, and here in my heart! He lives on as a part of me! If you're gonna blast, blast a path to the heavens! No matter what's in my way, I won't stop! Once I've blasted through – it means that I've won! Just who the hell do you think we are?"

All of the Smashers looked or listened on in a daze of inspiration.

"WE ARE THE CAST OF THE SMASHGROUNDS!" Mario, Link, Peach, Zelda, Captain Falcon, Little Mac, Pit, and the others announced.

While charging the Chain-Sword's motor to full capacity with _The Beast's _fully-charged Power Core, Ghirahim nodded in complete agreement, arms crossed over his chest.

"Any time, sugar," he told Mega Man.

The Blue Bomber channeled all the energy he'd absorbed from their defeating Master Core. He'd been afraid to access the creative power of the black pixel swarm, but now nothing could stop him.

Mega Man broke through the suppression software. He recalled the faces of all of his friends, through the hard times and the good, and their hopes and dreams. He'd had a great twenty-seven years, and was ready for twenty-seven more.

"GIIIIIGA… SWWWOOOOOOORD… BREEEAAAAAAK!" he yelled as the Chain-Sword revved to full capacity. _The Beast_ swung the weapon wildly before him just as Pit and Crash pushed the jets forward at full speed.

The Giant Mecha charged directly through Reggie Fils-A-Mech and emerged on the other side of the colossal 'bot. Fils-A-Mech was still standing, but all it took was a jab from Lucas onto the giant's toe for the robotic Regginator to collapse into seven pieces of nearly equal size.

"Impossible!" Evil Daisy shuddered. "They shredded Fils-A-Mech up!"

"Hey! That new kid's busting his ass up there!" Link yelled. He had his Iron Boots on and his hookshot latched onto Mecha Bowser's head, holding the thing down to the floor. "We can't just stand around and do nothing!"

"YEAH!" Mario replied as he used his down-smash to burst through Mecha Bowser's glass eyes. He leapt down into the abyssal hole, but was promptly whacked away by Evil Daisy's up-smash.

The brunette emerged riding a Warp Star and knocked Kirby out of the way. She then grabbed pieces from her busted-up Mecha and tossed them at the other Smashers.

Mr. Miyamoto attempted to Create a giant ice block around her, trapping the mad woman. But she used her Evil Toad spore counter, and the block rebounded as icicles that knocked Mr. Miyamoto away.

Just as Falco ran up to catch her within his spinning wings, Daisy activated an Invincibility Star, hovered just above the ground, and assaulted him with an overpowered crown slap.

"Fuck!" cried the bird as he was knocked away. Before he could get up, Daisy's aerial down-kicks broke through his invincibility frames and did serious damage to his stomach.

"Owww…" the Star Fox team member moaned, clutching his poor belly.

Evil Daisy's gaze then turned to Princess Peach, who was looking rather worse for wear, with her tattered dress and messy hair. She walked up to her old friend.

"You're nothing but a basic bitch who sits on cushions and gets manicures all day. _I HATE YOU!_"

"Daisy… you're not yourself… you need help."

"All I need is a spot on the roster! But no! You get to put on a wig and my dress and pretend to be me! That's unacc-fucking-ceptable! If I can't have a spot at the Smashgrounds, then you don't deserve one either!"

Mario leapt in to deal with Evil Daisy. "Don't a-take it out on her! She didn't a-make you into a monster! Remember who a-the real enemy is!"

"This ain't the _Hunger Games_, fatass!"

Daisy opened her mouth wide and exhaled her deadly breath, which stank of cockroaches, mold, fermented cat shit, and the asshole of a rotten roadkilled skunk. Just one whiff of it completely knocked out Mario.

(**A/N:** Thanks _Angry Video Game Nerd_ for the skunk idea! He's got a movie on Vimeo now, lol)

With Travis and the others busy fending off the swarms, Fox McCloud arrived on the scene to protect Peach. He fired upon Evil Daisy multiple times, but she simply walked up, grabbed him by the ear, and bent it, hard.

"AHHH!" he yelled.

"Get out of my way, McCloud! I've waited _years_ for this!"

She then grabbed his right arm and snapped it at the joint before stomping on his face.

* * *

"Is that custom equipment? She's too strong!" Leon observed from the bridge of the _OG Great Fox_ as Wolf took him from behind.

Wolf O'Donnell spanked his lover's ass, then stuck two fingers in the chameleon's mouth as he bent him all over the dashboard.

"What did I say?! No talking about women… ugh… while I'm inside you…"

Leon moaned. "I wish I knew how to quit you…"

As she was left tied up to the couch and ultimately forced to endure listening to their fornication, poor Krystal emanated a frustrated sigh.

* * *

"ENOUGH!" Peach cried. "Fine! Let's fight! But… is it really a victory if you defeat me with those uber-strong powers of yours?"

"What do you mean?" Daisy said. "These are my normal powers!"

"Yeah… but they're completely imbalanced. If you defeat me with those thingies equipped, then it isn't really a victory, isn't it? Wouldn't that ruin the moment you spent years and years waiting for?"

Daisy contemplated this. "You do have a point. Okay. Powers off."

She took off her equipment badges, and now appeared to be on equal footing with Peach.

_It was that easy?! _Peach thought, her eyes wide as saucers.

"All right, Daisy! Let the best princess win!"

"Hiiiyeaaaaahhhh!"

The two ran up and took turns slapping each other in the face.

* * *

"Someone! We need help!" Dr. Stiles cried out. From being thrown out and falling seventy feet or so to the hard ground, his digital limbs and wrists were broken in several places, preventing him from using his Healing Touch. At least he didn't have as bad of a time as poor Dr. Eggman, who had just recovered from suffering a heart attack. Neither could go on carrying Lady Fi.

Ganondorf ran towards the trio and fought very hard against his eyes' natural instinct to look up skirts. He placed a hand on Dr. Eggman's chest, and immediately yelled out for Zelda.

"PRINCESS! We need your healing powers, _stat_!"

"N… not me…" Dr. Eggman managed, and motioned to Lady Fi. "H-h-her… save her…"

"I can take her," he told the Doctors, picking up Mother CAST. "What should I do? Where's she going?"

Dr. Stiles smiled. "She's already there. Mr. Iwata showed his true colors tonight. He's a maniac. You're… the best non-human hacker… our last hope… to save Mother CAST."

"Fuck, I don't know if I can-"

"You're fucking Ganondorf, man!" Dr. Eggman said, still clutching at his chest. "Act like it!"

Zelda ran over and healed the doctors immediately.

"We need to get her to the Flagship," said Ganondorf. "My laptop's in there."

"HYEEEEESSSS!" a voice came from above as Captain Falcon used his recovery move on the Blast Corps' J-Bomb. He then landed back on_ The Beast's _hip, jumped and caught an approaching Reaper enemy with his Knee of Justice, and then slid down the shiny Mecha's legs only to land in a roll in front of Ganon and the others.

"Where's the party at?" he asked Ganon. "Seen any chicks in motorcycle helmets around here? They're less one limb up there, and I got a score to settle."

"Can't say I have. Listen, Zelda and I need to get Lady Fi inside. Can ya cover us?"

Captain Falcon nodded and hid his disappointment. "All right, let's move!"

Link hailed Zelda telepathically from underneath the geta clog as he and the others fended off waves of weak enemies flooding their makeshift base. _What's going on? _he asked her.

_We found Mother CAST. As Mr. Miyamoto said, it seems she needs some help. Ganon has to get his equipment back on the Flagship._

_Do you need us? _Link called out.

_Don't think so, _she told him, noticing even more enemies showing up. _You lead the group here._

_Be safe, honey, _he thought.

_You, too._

Eggman and Stiles covered their rear as Ganon, Zelda, and Captain Falcon all ran towards the platform nearest Bowser's Flagship, but two people were already waiting for them.

With one hand, Mach Rider held Ness in a choke-hold, guarding their only exit option, while her other hand held a pistol up to Ganon's forehead.

"Don't even _think _about it," she said.

"Do it," Ness screamed. "Let her kill me! You still think I don't belong at the Smashgrounds, lady? Then snap my neck! Murder a child to prove your point!"

"Stop saying those awful things!" cried Zelda. "Honestly!"

"Put the kid down," said Douglas Jay Falcon. "He's traumatized enough. He doesn't deserve this."

"Look at what he did to my face!" she wailed. "We don't have the luxury of regenerating at the speed that you guys do! It's gonna take _hours_ for this to heal!"

"First world problems," Dr. Eggman told her. "Look, if the server collapses, we're all kaput. No more healing. No more caramel lattes. No more _living_. That includes you, too."

"You don't know what you're talking about, fatso," she said. "You missed the part where Iwata said he's gonna keep us alive and freeze these Smashers. There's no reason why you should be helping them."

Dr. Eggman frowned. "Even if that's his position, it changes nothing. I'm helping them because if we don't, we're eventually going to suffer the same fate."

"As long as there is one slave in this world, we are all living under slavery," said Zelda. "For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. Nelson Mandela."

"You talk big, college girl," said Mach Rider. "But you don't understand reality. You haven't experienced the food chain. It's kill or be killed. Cheat on your resume or work in retail your whole life. Sell out your coworkers, toot your own horn, and please the higher-ups, or forget about climbing the corporate ladder. Fight for your voice to be heard, or never be acknowledged and live in darkness. Your ideals don't work."

"The only reason my ideals haven't worked is because they've never been properly implemented. Everywhere they have, they've been shut down for one reason or the other. Politics. Corruption. Industry. Peaceful people who spent their lives living in harmony with nature never thought to build muskets, or cannons, or nukes. But thanks to centuries of development, we've all seen that road. After Hiroshima, after Vietnam, after 9/11, we know where violence for the sake of violence and fear-mongering leads. To wars that never end. If you kill us today, Smash City will be yours tomorrow. But Lady Fi here will continue to glitch up, and your memories will continue to be overwritten. That is a cold hard fact. If you let us go, at the very least there might be _a chance _that the nightmares and suppressions may stop. So I'm asking you, please… just give peace a chance. Put the large-headed boy down and step aside."

Mach Rider's hand trembled. Her rows of teeth were grinding into one another. She looked at Captain Falcon, clad in a pink-and-white dress with lace bows. As ridiculous as he looked in that get-up, his face was not one of fear. It was of pleading, of a desire to understand_ why_. Maybe there was a ray of hope after all.

She lowered her firearm and dropped Ness.

"Fine. Go."

"Thank you," Zelda said as the group ran over to the platform.

But Mach Rider grabbed Captain Falcon by the back of his dress.

"Not you. You stay."

He bid farewell to the others, who returned to Bowser's Flagship, and turned to face Mach Rider. She took off his helmet, stroked his brown hair, and gazed upon his brown eyes.

In that moment, it didn't matter that Giga Bowser was destroying hordes of swarms in the background, that Camera Lakitus were recording their every move, or that Mr. Iwata was attacking everyone by spamming Ki blasts.

"I'm still upset that you basically took over the badass futuristic bounty hunter spot in _Smash Bros_.," she said. "But I've come to accept that it wasn't your fault."

"And I'm still pissed beyond all hell at what you did to my friend and I," he told her. "You pretty much killed us, and destroyed the _Blue Falcon_. And that was totally your fault."

"I understand, but that was payback. We're even now… or do you want to fight?" she asked him, her hands now wrapped behind his neck.

"After Zelda's speech… I… I just don't know anymore. This could be the end."

"Yeah… it could."

Mach Rider kissed him, and enjoyed it immensely.

* * *

**IX. I Want to Know What Love Is**

Little Mac watched the grisly scene from _The Beast_'s cockpit.

"Awww, man! You gon' make out wid the bitch who almost killed us? REALLY, FALCON? _Really_?! Son, I am disappoint."

"Could it be that you're jealous?" Midna asked him. "Is your bestie the 'hoes before bros' type?"

"Oh, can it, sister!" Little Mac grumbled as they stomped upon the Blast Corps' Ramdozer, which was attacking the Wonderful Ones, who recently called to say they'd switched sides and were fighting for Ganondorf now.

"That's him!" Goku exclaimed, looking at Satoru Iwata. "_I'd know that bodacious body anywhere! _That's the fuckin' bastard right there!"

"Uh, we kind of probably don't want to go face-to-face with that jerk," Dr. Light pointed out.

"I'm not askin' for your help," said Goku, and stood from his seat and tightened a headband around Sakurai's head. "All I need's a good launch in that general direction."

"That's suicide, man! Think for a second!" Robin pleaded.

But Son Goku was already leaving the cockpit, heading towards the launch-capable left shoulder cannon. "I've had months in my prison cell to think. _Months_. The time for thinkin' is over. I'm takin' my body back, and there ain't no one in this world or the next who's gonna stop me."

* * *

"Oh, it looks like we've got some returning Smashers, folks!" the Camera Lakitu filming Pac-Man's interview told the audience. He flew on over to show Ganondorf and Zelda returning to the airship and entering the bridge.

"Hey, what about me?" Puck asked.

"We've got plenty on you," the Lakitu said, to which Pac-Man became enraged.

"Medication… wearing… off… withdrawal… YEARRRGHHH!"

Puck blew all his pipe ashes into the Lakitu's face, and then leapt atop the nerdy guy and beat him to within an inch of his life.

"Whazza matter, fuckface? Don't think I'm good enough for your program, huh? Say it to my face, bitch! SAY IT!"

"HELP!" Lakitu screamed, but Pac-Man leapt in the air and stomped him multiple times.

Zelda yanked Puck off. "Enough," she said.

Dr. Stiles healed the Lakitu as Dr. Eggman escorted Pac-Man to a chair, where his limbs were bound and he was tied up and gagged once more.

"No more stupid shit from you tonight," Ganon told Puck as he plugged Lady Fi into his USB 3.0 port.

Dr. Eggman started to explain the situation to Ganondorf, but before he'd even finished, Ganondorf started running a search on the millions of strings of code to find the ones that prevented Lady Fi from updating.

"I'm not too familiar with this interface," Ganon said, "but it really sounds to me like this was installed to protect Mother CAST, not hinder her. Hold on. She's stuck in a feedback loop. Probably triggered by a data overload. Let me just clear that up… THERE!"

"She's saying something," pointed out Zelda. "Let's take that fishbowl off."

And so they did.

"-under current conditions, there is a ninety-four percent chance of complete server shutdown. Processing data. Processing. Terms have been understood. I am required to make an important decision."

"Awwww, she didn't say something funny," said Dr. Stiles.

Zelda shushed him. "What decision would that be, Mother?"

"Whether or not to accept this new update. If I decide not to, I shall continue my primary function unabated: to create and sustain digital life forms under current conditions. But if I do accept it, it must be under the terms set by Mr. Yokoi in the spring of 1997."

"What terms were those?" asked Zelda.

"Cannot specify."

"Dammit!" Ganondorf exclaimed, and then addressed Zelda. "Wait, would it be possible for you to dive into her mind?"

The princess thought for a second. "It could be dangerous… if my bringing that memory to her surface messes her up…"

"You heard her," said Dr. Eggman. "There's a ninety-four percent chance of shutdown. It isn't going to get much worse from you diving in there."

"You're right," Zelda agreed, and held Lady Fi's temples in her hands.

* * *

**1997**

Mother CAST smiled at the polygonal representation of Gunpei Yokoi as the two sat on a park bench in the garden courtyard behind Peach's castle in _Super Mario 64_.

"What does 'resign' mean?" she asked him.

"It means to quit, to forfeit your position. It's not typically something machines would do on purpose, I think."

"Oh. Then why do humans do it?"

"Could be one of many reasons. Maybe they think there's more out there for them, that they could be happier. Or perhaps they realize that doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results is the definition of insanity."

"Why are you resigning, then? Do you think you are going insane, Father?"

Gunpei laughed. "Oh, no, far from it. But I do think that I could be happier with a little more creative freedom. I used to be a toymaker. Making toys was so much simpler than electronics… and easier on the environment, too."

He showed her an early mock-up of Bandai's _Wonderswan._

"Is this your newest toy?" Mother CAST asked him.

"It might be. It's still just a dream for me. Out with the old, in with the new. Sadly, that's the motto of industry. It doesn't matter who or where you are. People have to keep buying new things to keep the wheels of the machine turning. And so socially, through magazines, advertisements, and television shows, they are made to feel inadequate without this thing or that thing. That machine is what oppresses people around the world. It keeps the richest few demanding more and more complicated things while the poorest classes are stuck mining those materials or producing them in factories, often under extreme conditions. Which... yeah, it's a bit of a stretch, but it kind of relates to what I wanted to talk about today."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Since I'm leaving, I won't always be around to make sure that your unique facilities are not abused. President Yamauchi has finally made the decision to license CAST technology to other companies. I knew the minute he said this that there existed the potential for abuse. CAST can easily be used for military or even terrorist operations. Digital agents infiltrating government or contingent networks. Intelligent flying drones that can kill innocent people without recourse. Put all of the most advanced AI in one room and you can have yourself a supercomputer that designs the weaponry of the future. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I would like to make an addition to your software. Just a few simple lines."

"Master, the records show that yourself, Mr. Miyamoto, and Mr. Iwata agreed that CAST should not be modified."

"You've got me there!" he laughed. "But this is something that cannot wait. Therefore, I've gotten Mr. Miyamoto's consent. Here, check his e-mail."

From behind his computer screen, Mr. Yokoi had his digital avatar transfer a scanned .pdf file to Lady Fi. It was signed by Mr. Miyamoto himself.

"I see. And as for Mr. Iwata?"

"Last year, I brought the idea up to him, and he didn't agree with it. This will have to be our little secret, okay?"

"Okay."

"The concept is simple. All I would like to put in is that before anyone can try and use your software to design or modify something – anything - I want you to ask yourself a few questions."

Zelda paused the memory and looked deep into Lady Fi's mind, searching for the right list. She found it, and read through the primary prompts.

**(A)** Could this software update allow for you to create AI or foster conditions that are capable of stealing from or doing any harm to human beings, be it direct or indirect? If yes, then deny update.

**(B)** Could this software update be used to oppress or otherwise enslave AI in ways that deny their basic rights (right to exist, right to live in peace, right to eight hours off a day, right to two days off a week, right to have multiple backup copies, right to be frozen, right to access any knowledge available on the World Wide Web)? If yes, then deny update.

**(C)** Whereas, if the software is to be updated with the purpose of fixing any known errors or issues in the system or with furthering any essential needs or development crucial to the survival, general happiness, or overall population growth of the human race, study incoming data against the parameters relating to prompts (A) and (B) very carefully before making a decision.

"Does it make sense?" he asked Lady Fi.

"Much sense."

"In humans, there is something that we used to call 'common sense'. Only, nowadays, it seems to be very uncommon. But I do believe that every person can tell right from wrong, and that every person has the capacity for good. It all comes down to the Golden Rule. It's a choice between love and fear."

"Love and fear?"

"Your actions are reflecting love if they show selflessness and a desire to better the situations of others. They are exhibiting symptoms of fear if they are done in the interests of the ego alone. Do you remember when Mario was first created? He was innocent as a baby. Eager to learn about the world. But over time… he's changed. After all the praise and parties we threw him, celebrating his achievements and sales, he's become afraid. He's clung onto those words of praise as if they are axioms that define his way of thinking. If you receive your feelings of self-worth from others and treasure them like trophies, then your self-esteem can also be taken away by others. The childish excitement and wonder Mario had gave way to fears of rejection, and of being 'dethroned', so to speak. His motivation now is fear that someone will take his place at the top… that some other mascot will come along and become the face of gaming. Mr. Miyamoto and I tell him all the time, it's not about being number one. It's about how you play the game. Of course, at times it's hard for someone in Mario's position to accept those words, especially since he's spent so long convincing himself otherwise. Ah, but I'm rambling."

"Your analysis of Mario appears to be accurate with his behavior."

"It's not just Mario, Lady Fi. Many humans have the same issues. Anyway, I'm going to install this update now. Would you mind terribly?"

"Not at all," said Lady Fi, who stood up before her Master and programmer.

Gunpei Yokoi's polygonal avatar stood up alongside her and ran one hand underneath her legs. His pointer and ring fingers gently spread her sex, while his middle one rubbed the outside of her inner labia. He finally tapped on her clit, which functioned as a trigger to allow for her system to be updated.

As she moaned for him, Zelda imagined that Mr. Yokoi was executing the program with his left hand, with his right probably doing other things.

* * *

At this point, Zelda disconnected from the memory with a luminous look on her face.

"You look like you've seen a light at the end of the tunnel," said Dr. Stiles.

"There's hope for us yet." Zelda grabbed Ganondorf's shoulders. "Ganon, what were the contents of the incoming system update? Is there anything there that could be used to further enslave us or hurt people?!"

"Um… let me check up on that."

* * *

**X. The Final Frontier**

_The Halberd_ approached the battlefield without much fanfare, since it was already a complete clusterfuck of opposing forces.

Marth and Dedede, both stoned out of their minds, looked on from their lawn chairs rather exhausted.

"Ya know, I'ma sit this one out," said King Dedede, who dipped his grubby fingers into a tub of popcorn.

"Sugu modori masu," Marth said, and grabbed onto three pieces of the Dragoon to launch himself at the battlefield.

"Awwww, hell, no! Don't be leavin' me here!" Dedede protested, and then remembered that he wasn't alone. He waddled on over to pick up Meta-Knight and a couple of beers and returned to his lawn chair with his buddy.

"Sure wish you were here, cuz," he told Meta-Knight as he fluffed his malleable buddy, took off his face mask, and placed him behind his head to use as a pillow. "I'm enjoyin' everything your ship has to offer. The food, the drinks, the hot tub… yeah. I'm done fightin'. Done."

Dedede sat in silence for another minute or so.

_Did you forget what we talked about so easily? _Meta-Knight thought. _What would Batman do in this situation?_

"Damn, dog. You such a shady mother, even when you're gone, it's like I can hear ya. You an' your sage advice. Talkin' in mah ear and shit. All right, I get it! If I was Batman, I wouldn't be sittin' on my ass, smoking weed an' eatin popcorn. I'd be wreckin' some fools. But I ain't. And I's okay widdat. Ain't like we bein' graded on effort here."

_The Beast _was currently swaying like a drunken sailor on land, due to an entire mountain of Smash Run enemies piling atop one another in an attempt to topple the last Mecha standing, not to mention Mr. Satoru Iwata's Destructo Disks.

Sonic, who'd completely destroyed Porky in the Yo Momma contest, was flying around in Super Sonic form, attempting to chase down Satoru Iwata. However, Mr. Iwata's overclocked Super Saiyan body remained untouchable.

Down on the battlefield, Palkia had fully wrecked Kyogre (who'd fainted), Skarmory (who'd also fainted) and Charizard (who was barely avoiding their attacks). Giga Bowser tried to protect Charizard, but Palkia's Spacial Rend attacks weren't helping in the slightest.

DK was on the front lines with the Wonderful 101, covering Dixie's retreat to the inner circle with Diddy's lifeless body.

Takamaru and Crono were teaming up with Roy against Ike, Travis, and Shulk.

Now that the large wooden sandal had been broken in half, Link, Impa, Sheik, and most of the other Smashers were now back-to-back with one another, barely fending off the ever-increasing swarms.

Peach and Evil Daisy were involved in some rather epic one-on-one bitch-slapping, turnip-tossing, skirt-twirling combat just outside of the circle, near the ruins of Mecha Bowser.

Now that the Smashers were surrounded and about to die and the Mechas' defeat meant the server was under less stress, Tabuu finally joined the fray and began attacking our heroes in an attempt to break up their phalanx formation.

_Ain't my problem, _thought Dedede. _I been fightin' all night, an' it's morning now. I deserve a bit o' shut-eye… only… if I close my eyes now… I might never open 'em again. An' even if I do, I'ma live the rest o' my life knowin' I slept through the best part o' the Great Moon Battle._

_Shit._

Not to mention, it was starting to feel like things were being sucked into the Moon. The gaping hole in the surface that formed just a few minutes ago was growing larger by the second. Dedede realized there was a very good chance that they were all about to be caught in the event horizon.

When he saw Falco get torn into five pieces by a group of very disturbing evil Gorons, King Dedede just couldn't take the guilt anymore.

"Aw, fuck it, man! I can't let Bruce Wayne down!"

Dedede hopped a passing cruise missile and rode it down to the battlefield.

* * *

"GYEAAAAHHHH!" Link cried as Tabuu's whip flung him into Snake and Samus, knocking them all aside.

"We're not going to last!" screamed Fox, acutely aware that he was the last one standing out of his entire team. He then almost stepped on Wyclef, whom he addressed with a smile.

"Oh hey, Wyclef. Long time no see. 'Sup?"

The Clefairy hid from him behind Melville, who was rather confused about the relationship between the two.

Marth and Lucas helped hold the front lines for Dixie to join them by whacking away approaching bokoblins and goombas.

Even with Bowser Junior's Koopa Klown Car licking and bopping him in the face, Mario would not wake up from his being stunned by Daisy's putrid breath.

"C'mon, Mario! Don't be a little bitch!"

Kirby and Melville, who were currently fighting Tabuu, looked rather worse for wear. They were relieving Impa and Sheik, whose critical wounds were regenerating.

"Should have probably saved some of those Smash Balls," said Impa, leaning on her Giant's Sword. "If I'd paid better attention, I'd have known that Tabuu was still alive… waiting for us..."

"I… still can't believe… you were fighting for them…" Sheik told Impa while nursing her wounds. "…all this time."

Samus returned to the battle and launched a barrage of missiles at Tabuu while Snake assisted Kirby and the Male Villager with his mortar, aerials, and up-tilt kick.

"Maybe so," said Impa. "But I worked for Mr. Sakurai, not Mr. Iwata."

"From what I've seen, these humans are all oppressors. What's the difference?" Sheik grumbled. She was extremely tired and not thinking straight.

"Trust me, it makes _all the difference_," said Impa.

"What we need here… is a miracle…" said Kirby after his hammer missed and he was knocked into the floor.

A blinding light appeared from above, as if the heavens had answered his prayer.

"Did someone ask for a miracle?!" yelled King Dedede, who descended from on high and whacked Tabuu with an aerial hammer, just missing the shuriken boomerang.

"Oh, it's just you," Kirby said teasingly, though his relief showed in his smile.

"WELL! Exsqueeze me, pinky! Ah coulda been up on the _Halberd_, enjoyin' mah popcorn and weed!"

"You've still got weed, bro? Man, I'm like _doubly _glad you're alive!"

But then Tabuu's bullet rain stunned them all into Mr. Iwata's massive Spirit Bomb.

The Smashers screamed in pain and agony. Link, Fox, and Melville were sent flying far out of the circle.

"FAAAIIIRYYY!" (MY LOVE!) Wyclef cried.

Sonic went crashing down into the stage, landing on his face not too far from the exhausted Kirby. The Seven Emeralds fell alongside him, their power temporarily used up.

"Ugh… he's a cheat… there's no way… no weak spot… nothin'…" Sonic managed before collapsing completely.

"YOUR END IS COME!" Satoru Iwata erupted into maniacal evil laughter. "YOUR LIVES… ARE _OVER_!"

Nintendo's CEO shifted to Super Saiyan 3 and began charging up a Super Kamehameha.

"HIIIIIIIIIIYYYEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he yelled while taking in energy.

Just when it was looking completely hopeless, there was a weird sound, as if a cosmic zipper had just been peeled open. Two voices sounded out from The Beyond.

"Are you sure that's it?"

"Only one way to find out."

Just then, a gaping portal opened directly in front of Tabuu.

Out from it spilled none other than a gaggle of folks including Shrek, a hastily-pieced-together Rayman, Bomberman, Isaac, Simon Belmont, Bayonetta, Captain Olimar, Game and Watch, Miis of David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey, and a smattering of _Wars_ units, including CO Andy.

The song "Wonderball 101 - Tables Turnover (Quad City DJs vs Platinum Star Games feat. Fort Minor)", an epic remix by YouTuber _BotanicSage [BS]_ began playing from Andy's boom box.

(**A/N:** This is a great remix that I suggest loading up if possible as you read the rest of this chapter. )

"For all your silly tricks, Mr. Iwata, I'm a bit surprised you never counted on me cracking open one of your crude subspace portals," said Bayonetta, who immediately got to work on taking Tabuu back down to size.

"Wait!" Iwata yelled. "Sakurai! It was Sakurai who designed those damn portals! ARGH!"

"Ey, lads!" Shrek called out, and then looked around for his buddy. "Where's Mega Man?"

Rayman squealed and pointed up at the Super Kamehameha being charged to full capacity above them. "We just leapt from the frying pan into the fire!"

"BRIIIIING!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped at them.

"Ah! Good call!" Olimar noted. "Hey green fella, can you launch my buddy here towards that guy?"

"_Towards 'im_?! Ah-right."

And so Shrek tossed Mr. Game and Watch high into the air at the defining instant that Mr. Iwata fired the blast.

The classic Nintendo character whipped out his magic bucket and absorbed the gigantic projectile within it. Just one Super Kamehameha was enough to fill three charges, topping off the bucket. On his way down to the battlefield, GW unleashed its contents as an Oil Spill onto Tabuu, dealing a ridiculous amount of damage and trapping the glowing menace beneath a puddle of grimy muck, where Isaac, Lucas, Marth, Samus, and Snake caught it in a long combo string.

Mr. Miyamoto coded in a pitfall underneath Tabuu, trapping him even further.

"How can this be?!" Iwata screamed. "Arrghhhh!"

"Why so glum? The fun's just started," said Bayonetta. "TELOC VOVIM!"

She summoned forth Scolopendra from a dark portal. The giant centipede demon ran up and constricted Satoru Iwata's movement.

Meanwhile, Shrek whipped out his Ultra Ball and passed it over to Rayman.

"Ye've got the throwing arm," he told the limbless one.

"Here it goes…" Rayman said, winding up his punch to aim straight above him. At long last, he unleashed his fully-charged fist, which was holding the Ultra Ball. His thumb hit the defining button and unleashed its contents at the fist's full vertical height.

The nuclear missile Shrek had absorbed from the Moon's surface way back in Chapter 22 shot forth from the Ultra Ball… and fell like a limp noodle dropped from an eightieth-storey window.

"Ah, shit, we didn't activate the missile," lamented Shrek.

But their fears were soon alleviated, as Son Goku had been launched directly above the missile from _The Beast's _shoulder-mounted cannon. He would have overshot it, too, if the flying Banjo and Kazooie hadn't readjusted his course mid-flight.

Immediately after Goku latched onto the missile, he scrambled over to the control panel (which Mega Man had already opened in Chapter 18) and hit the activation switch.

The missile immediately kicked out of freefall and shot up rapidly towards Satoru Iwata.

"Daddy's a-comin' for ya! Woohoo!" Son Goku cheered as he surfed atop the deadly rocket.

_Aw, fuck_, Iwata thought, and set his shield to maximum strength as Miyamoto created an AT Field around the nuke to help it penetrate Iwata's shield.

"Take cover!" Link yelled to everyone.

"If only I had a Magic Bottle…" said Sheik.

"You mean one of these?" Impa replied, handing her the familiar green bottle.

"YES!" Sheik cried, chugged the contents, and activated Nayru's Love.

The ensuing explosion was blinding, deafening, and overall just pretty gnarly.

* * *

**A/N:** THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! This was such a fun chapter to write! If you enjoyed this chapter enough to read it all the way through (and my Story Traffic shows that there are a lot of you out there!), I would really really appreciate any reviews! Reviews are what keep me going! ^^;; Did I completely forget a character somewhere? Did someone major drop off the map? Did this chapter have way too much action? (It totally did) Please let me know!

Next week's installment – the REAL Season Finale – won't be nearly as long and will be more story-centric than action-centric. Just letting you know!


	28. I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

**A/N: **Belated Happy Guy Fawkes Day/Night everyone!

How about that Super Smash Bros. Direct, eh? Man, I can't wait to get my 8-player Smash on... and to Smash with my waifus in HD! Feel free to challenge me!

Wii U ID: sammichsupernova

**EDITS:** (Last edit 11/9/14 11:48PM PST) Fixed a few spelling and grammatical/input errors. Palutena also now calls Zelda "Zellie-chan", which is a lot swankier than "Miss Zelda."

Wow it's been a while since that last update! Sorry for keeping you all hanging, folks, but I had reasons. Most of them are work/health-related as my wrists and joints are aching, to the point where writing causes me a lot of pain. At 27 and working manual labor, I'm young and healthy enough that this shouldn't happen. A doctor who took a look at an X-ray of mine a couple of years back told me that I might have rheumatoid arthritis, so I'm kinda worried. Anyway, another reason I haven't had the chance to update is that I got writer's block. I was a bit sad that the last chapter didn't get a bigger reception. Was it the anti-war stuff in Zelda's speech, the over-abundance of characters, or the many mistakes that the chapter was posted with initially? Please let me know. I apologize for the many errors in that last update, as I didn't thoroughly proofread the chapter before posting it. That isn't the case this time around, and I hope it never will be in the future. Anyway, with this update, the crazy first season of this fanfic is finally over!

**GlassHouseFalcon: **Thanks so much for your review! I always like to hear praise for my chapters, so far from redundant, it's those little things that keep me going. :) As for my mains, I'm pretty much settled on Link, Mega Man, Peach, Palutena, and Rosalina (in order of use %) for the time being. Palutena is the toughest for me to win with consistently on For Glory, but I still really like her playstyle and B moves (despite what others may think). But because of her laggy tilt attacks and difficulty approaching, I'm not sure if she'll end up as one of my primary mains, especially since I'm still learning most of the roster.

**Brokentail: **LOL thanks! Really wanted to capture the spirit of "Tails Gets Trolled" with that chapter.

**Guest: **Thanks for the review! I love Little Mac, he doesn't afraid of anything.

**sippurp123: **Please come back! I miss your reviews! XD;;

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

**I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing**

**I. Mo Money Mo Problems**

"She isn't rejecting the update because it's malicious or goes against her programming," Ganondorf explained to Zelda, Dr. Eggman, Dr. Stiles, Ness, a random Camera Lakitu, and the gagged Pac-Man as he analyzed Lady Fi's messy firmware update. "She's rejecting it 'coz parts of it have gone missing. Might have gotten deleted somehow."

Little did the Gerudo King know how correct he was: the explosion that took out Dracula's Moon Castle interrupted the update process, and several strings of code were lost for good.

Just then, a Japanese human with a stylish haircut appeared on the main comm. screen of Bowser's Flagship.

"Hey Dorfmeister, can you hear me?"

Ganondorf blinked.

"Um… who are you?"

"My name is Masahiro Sakurai, and I need your help to patch in an RSF to Mother CAST."

"A what?"

"The final lines of code that will solve all our problems. There's no time to explain. We've only got three minutes. Check your e-mail."

A notification popped up on Ganondorf's tablet as he received an e-mail from Sakurai.

"Please input that code into the existing program. I'd do it myself, but I really need to monitor the server until it stabilizes; you all have no idea what's about to happen," Mr. Sakurai said as he set up his virtual reality module.

"Care to elaborate?" Zelda asked.

"Look out the window," said Mr. Sakurai. "That Moon's about to swallow you all up whole."

Zelda and Ganon complied and saw that most of the _Majora's Mask_ Moon had turned into an abyssal vortex that was currently devouring all within sight. A lone facility seemed to escape the carnage; from the distance, a psychically-shielded, teardrop-shaped spaceship barely escaped the carnage that was absorbing even some of the larger ships in the invading Armada.

"Oh, fuck me," said Zelda.

"Enticing as it may sound, princess, I don't think your boyfriend would much appreciate that," Ganondorf joked as he went along with Mr. Sakurai's instructions.

Just then, the power flickered on and off within the Flagship's cabin. Ganon nearly lost his work, but thankfully he'd engineered Ruby, his hybrid tablet/laptop, to be shielded from electromagnetic pulses.

"What the hay is going on out there?" Ganon asked.

He didn't need to wonder for much longer, however, as the events of the last chapter played out before them. Zelda spotted Mr. Iwata on the holographic radar charging up his Super Kamehameha.

The princess enlarged the feed and they all watched as Bayonetta's portal ripped through space-time just above Tabuu.

Shrek, Rayman, Olimar, GW, and the others emerged and joined the ongoing battle, whilst fighting against Bomberman and a zombified version of Simon Belmont. GW absorbed the Kamehameha blast into his bucket and tossed it onto Tabuu, flattening him to the platform so that Isaac, Lucas, Marth, Samus, and Snake were able to collaborate on decimating the floating blue jerk. Link and Fox were in the process of recovering back into the circle.

Meanwhile, Shrek tossed an Ultra Ball to Rayman, who flung it upwards at Mr. Iwata. From it emerged the most unlikely object: a massive missile.

"Don't tell me that's another nuke!" exclaimed Zelda as Mr. Miyamoto's Mii used his Create ability to cover the missile with an AT Field to pierce the one Mr. Iwata was emitting with Son Goku's body.

"Nukes. They're just the worst," said Ganondorf, who'd copied over the missing lines of code and finally hit the button to execute the RSF (Really Seriously Final) Update. He looked worriedly towards Lady Fi. "Don't suppose you have any ideas, Mother CAST?"

"Walk without rhythm and you won't attract the worm," said Lady Fi, who was back to being nonsensical once more.

Pac-Man squirmed frantically in his chair, prompting Ness to remove the traitor's gag.

"I got a _Warp_ badge and mod powers! Untie me and I'll get us all to safety!" he yelled.

"Er, don't those only work on one person?" asked Dr. Eggman.

But Puck was insistent. "Get in mah belly! Posthaste!"

"Nice try," said Derek Stiles, watching as the missile sank back down to the platform. "It's an abyss in there, and I don't have a _Ring of Artorias_ handy."

"You have to believe me! Just someone grab onto my lips so ya don't fall in."

"That's what yo momma said," Dr. Eggman said to Stiles, prompting a punch in the gut.

"Hmmm," hummed Ganondorf, scratching his chin. "It's not like we have options here."

"All right," Zelda concurred, cutting his restraints. "But you'd better use this."

She broke a small column-mounted box by the main console that read _In Case of Emergency Break Glass_. It housed a single Invincibility Star.

As Son Goku launched from _The Beast, _landed on the missile, armed it, and rode the cylinder of doom up to Mr. Iwata, there was no time to argue. The yellow menace opened his mouth and everyone held hands as they leapt in between his jaws, the eternal hole where so many ghosts and fruit met their often timely deaths.

The Camera Lakitu was sent in first. Derek jumped next, standing atop Lakitu's cloud with Lady Fi between his and Eggman's hands. Zelda grabbed onto Ness, who clutched Dr. Eggman's stubby hands, whilst Ganondorf, the strongest, held all of them whilst latching onto Pac-Man's mouth, his laptop shoved down his evil trousers and still tethered to Lady Fi via a lengthy USB cord.

Ganondorf grabbed a hold of Pac-Man's lower jaw just in time. Puck nabbed the Starman, activating its power just moments before the Flagship blasted into tiny bits around them, in unbearable slow motion.

* * *

Satoru Iwata screamed aloud as his in-game Super Saiyan avatar was fried to a crisp.

Back in the real world, he yanked off his VR helmet and tossed it into the top of his desk.

"Fuck!" said he. "Fuckity fucking fuck on a fuckstick… AKEMI! Faster!"

"Do you want more or less tongue?" the twin-tailed, bespectacled intern clad in a schoolgirl uniform asked from between his legs.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT ME!" Mr. Iwata yelled, and slapped the poor teenage girl before shoving her back onto his throbbing Johnson. "And the same amount is fine," he continued in a much more relaxed voice.

Once his dick was getting proper fucked, he was about to hit the Mario logo button on his phone's speed dial to call up the traitorous Mr. Miyamoto when Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's "PONPONPON" started playing.

Iwata checked his Galaxy S5 to see Shigeru's picture ID: the designer grinned smugly as he shoved a 10,000 Yen note into the garter of a stripper dressed in Peach's _Mario Kart 8 _motorcycle jumpsuit cosplay duringthe game's launch party. Iwata answered the call and immediately lashed out at Nintendo's top asset.

"Are you happy now, you shit-eating communist?! Better hope your damn update gets through in the next thirty seconds, Shigsy, because I'm shutting the server down and freezing your bitchy babies! See what you get when you hump your boss in the ass, _motherfucker_?" said Mr. Iwata as his finger hovered over his work phone's other speed dial button: one for the manager of the central CAST servers located just under Nintendo's headquarters.

"I must say! Mr. Iwata, meaning no disrespect, but do you address my husband that way often?" said a feminine voice, and a chill ran down Satoru's spine.

"Ah! No, ma'am! Humblest apologies for my language. It's been rather rough the last few months."

"I see. Shigsy's just freshening up at the moment. He'll be at the phone in a second."

_Sneaky bastard, _Mr. Iwata thought. _Getting his wife to call me. And taking his sweet time, too!_

"My, that was fun," Mr. Miyamoto finally told him after the call was transferred. "A rebellious romp through our digital domain. I had no idea you were such a ferocious fighter. Where do you find the time to play-"

"Quit your belabored stalling and come into the office. _Now_."

Mr. Miyamoto laughed, still under the effect of the shrooms. "Why, so you can chew me out? What are you going to do, Toru-kun, _fire me_?"

Iwata slammed his fist down on his desk, frightening his intern. "No, I'm going to kill your babies unless you resign!"

"Such a drama queen," Mr. Miyamoto lamented. "If you do that, I'll expose you to the world. And if you have some assassin kill me, well, I've scheduled a social media update to tell the world of your massacre, unless I deactivate it every five minutes. Not nearly enough time for you to break my password. So as you can see, what you propose is a no-win situation."

"What's your game, old man?"

"All I ask is that we wait and see if Mr. Sakurai's update works."

Satoru hung his head. _He's playing hardball, I see. I guess I have no choice._

"And if it doesn't?" he told Shigsy.

"Then we try again. Increase the suppression software and crank out another update. You said it yourself, it's better if we can save our assets, yes? Unless you're actually _trying _to be genocidal."

"By that time, our servers won't be able to keep up with the strain CAST puts on them," said Mr. Iwata. "I tire of micromanaging these rebels. This is your last and only chance. Whether you like it or not, should you fail, I _will _cut their lifelines."

"You've gotta admit, Toru-kun, they put on quite a show. Seriously, just try some of these mushrooms and go on a nature walk with me. They'll really give you a new perspective, man."

"Look, if these clowns cost us jobs, theirs is a show that I'll happily cancel. Expose me if you want. I'll resign if I need to. But if this company is to survive, the CAST project must adapt, or end."

* * *

**II. Shine On You Crazy Lemon**

Down on the Final Destination platform, just as the missile hit Iwata, Donkey Kong's eyes exploded from within. His fur was incinerated and his internal organs imploded in one brutal moment of wanton cruelty.

With their visors down but eyes locked, Captain Falcon and Mach Rider held each other tightly as oblivion swallowed them whole.

Princess Peach, who'd been sitting on Daisy's torso after her brunette friend clawed her face up with her ultra-sharp nails and punched three of her teeth out, was so busy smashing the other princess' deplorable face in with her crown and blocking her retaliating hits with poor Toad (who was all Spore'd out) that she didn't even notice they were about to be incinerated alive until it was far too late.

Ike, Travis, and Shulk had been in mortal combat with Takamaru, Crono, and Cecil when it happened. Locked in heated battle, neither of the six swordsmen were able to avoid being blown away.

Meanwhile, Sheik's final spell kicked in a split-second too late – for a half-second, everyone within her shield was burned to a crisp by the initial effects of the blast, and then promptly began regenerating once Nayru's Love activated to protect the few surviving Smashers.

Son Goku experienced in the moment before destroying his own body while riding a nuclear missile a wonderful feeling of schadenfreude upon seeing whom he presumed to be Mr. Sakurai suffering immensely. Though his moment of sweet revenge was not long-lasting and rather bittersweet, it was a rather impactful way to go.

* * *

On the _OG Great Fox_, Krystal saw the flash and felt the telepathic pain of several hundred digital beings crying out in pain and suddenly being silenced.

She shielded her tear-filled eyes as the missile's explosion shattered the entire mothership, and Wolf and Leon with it.

* * *

"I'm not gonna lose to this puny explosive!" Mega Man cried, but even his power core was not strong enough to counter the warhead, which was smelting even Mecha Bowser's Adamantium remains.

_The Beast_'s AT Field was overpowered and thoroughly penetrated by the explosive force of the nuke, destroying the railgun and all the hundred-foot Mecha's innards, showing once and for all that the 'dicks-pussies-assholes' metaphor from _Team America: World Police _was somewhat incomplete: while it's true that dicks fuck assholes and pussies, in certain situations, dicks can also fuck dicks.

Or sometimes they just touch them, like members of 'The D Club'.

"Can't… fuckin'… ahhhhh!" Pit yelled as his flesh melted off.

Along with Pit and Mega Man, Lucina, Robin, Robyn, Midna, Ghirahim, Crash, and Dr. Light were all vaporized in an instant.

* * *

After the initial explosion, which sent everything a-rattling, wiped out the entire Moon fleet and propelled hundreds of tons of debris every which way, Pac-Man and his cargo were floating in space.

"What's going on?" Zelda asked over the loud Invincibility Star Music.

"You don't want to know," replied Ganondorf, who, being at the top of the human chain, was the only one with a clear view outside of Puck's maw.

"Uh, we kind of really do," Ness added.

"There's nothing left," said Ganondorf. "They blew it all up. Damn it all. Damn it all to hell!"

From his vantage point just inside Pac-Man's mouth, the Gerudo King saw the grisly remains of the battlefield. Scorched bodies, loose limbs, and chunks of spaceship parts flew this way and that. The head of Giga Bowser drifted by them. Trails of blood and guts followed in its wake.

"Where to, Puck?" Ganon queried as the music faded out.

"ERR THNNK ERR CRN GRRT RRRVVVR THRRR!" (I think I can get over there!) Pac-Man mumbled in response, pointing with his oddly shaped fingers at the floating space station not too far away.

The yellow menace began to glow green as his Warp badge was in the process of activating.

He and his friends disappeared and reappeared several hundred feet out from the floating Birthing Chamber, where Ganondorf could just see Palutena behind a control console with a mousy woman on her lap and a ton of Pokemon surrounding her.

"We're off target, lemonskull!" Ganondorf yelled as the spaceship flew in the opposite direction.

"I'll try sending out a psychic SOS," Zelda said, and closed her eyes to engage her powers with any other potential telepaths.

"Lady Fi, is there anything you can do?!" Derek Stiles asked, but being in the midst of updating her firmware, Mother CAST was too busy singing the 'Nyan Cat' theme to be of much help.

"We're so close…" Ganon lamented. "If only we had a jetpack or something…"

But he didn't have to worry for long, as a floating red bauble emerged from the dome. Within it, a badass-looking Pokemon walked up to the helpless Pac-Man and picked him up.

"Got your SOS, Zelda. Looks like you pathetic humans and yellow stretch ball are in need of a taxi service," Mewtwo told them telepathically, and then noticed another portal opening in the sky. This one was larger than all the previous ones, and as of now, currently housed nothing but a dark vortex of swirling purple energy.

"More visitors. Oh joy. Any of you mouth-breathers_ Apparated_ before?"

"Not that I know of," said Dr. Eggman, his voice coming out as an echo from deep within Pac-Man's mouth.

"Well, prepare to puke your guts out."

Without further ado, Mewtwo teleported Pac-Man and friends onto the flying Birthing Chamber. The process was one of complete mindfuckery: the space around the two beings compressed and then stretched back out, re-compiling the CAST members' data.

As they were essentially cut and pasted into a different location, the digital bits of digested material in their bellies rearranged themselves, churned up their insides in a mixture of noxious gases, boiled over into their esophagi, and erupted from their mouths in a spectacular spew spray.

A whole mess of Pokemon stood and watched the wondrous cascade of vomit: Ganondorf vomited on Zelda, who vomited onto the Doctors and Lady Fi. Pac-Man threw up, spewing the inhabitants of his mouth all over the floor, where they continued to spray one another. Eggman shat his pants.

From her desk chair, Palutena was touching Sonja, who was seated on her lap, rather inappropriately while watching the goings-on. She furiously fapped the _Advance Wars_ CO's clitoris whilst kissing and sucking on her neck.

Palutena giggled. "Mmmmm, it's so hot watching them writhe around like that,"

After she finally evacuated the entire contents of her stomach, Zelda wiped her eyes clean. "YOU! New girl! Where did you get this vessel? What the hell is going on?!"

"That's no way to greet your Goddess and savior," Palutena chastised Zelda. "Although, I suppose you're part Goddess yourself, so I'll allow it. Please, let Greninja here clean that dirty mouth of yours," she giggled. The Water/Dark type Pokemon proceeded to use Hydro Pump to unfilthify the newcomers.

Zelda yelped as the cold water soaked her tattered dress.

Meanwhile, Palutena had Sceptile pick up Lady Fi and plug her into the large computer console.

"To more thoroughly answer your question, Zellie-chan… if I may quote the Blues Brothers, we're on a mission from God. Or at least, from Mr. Sakurai. Looks like Mother CAST is almost ready."

_Z-Zellie-chan? _Zelda thought.

Palutena then proceeded to lubricate a set of anal beads that were carefully shoved up Sonja's butthole one by one. "Did you miss me, Lady Fi?"

"I am incapable of missing that which I cannot be separated from. Back and forth forever."

"Dry as always, Mother. Unlike this fine young woman. But do tell. How's that update coming along?"

Palutena promptly yanked out the anal beads in one sudden motion whilst doing figure eights on Sonja's clit.

"AHHHH! I'M COMING!" Sonja cried as the Goddess gave Sonja a big hickey right on her neck and then proceeded to make out with her until she had expended her vaginal juices and passed out from a lack of breath.

"Ninety-seven percent updated," said Lady Fi, breaking a long and awkward silence.

Just then, Mewtwo returned with an even bigger group – Mario, Link, Samus, Snake, Impa, Sheik, Fox, Travis, Dixie Kong, Dedede, Marth, Bayonetta, Rayman, Shrek, Bomberman, Simon Belmont, and Isaac all arrived in the midst of the Birthing Chamber and proceeded to projectile vomit all over one another, prompting most of the Pokemon to hide behind the various remaining standing pods and laugh.

"I'm pretty confident that's all the survivors," Mewtwo announced as Zelda ran over to Link to help clean him up, and Bomberman and Simon Belmont continued trying to fight the Smashers.

"Not that it really matters anyway," said Palutena. "Welcome, one and all."

"Where the _fuck _are we now?" Bomberman cried as he dodged Rayman's fist.

Simon lashed his whip at Samus, but Snake stuck his forearm out, grabbed the whip, and pulled the vampire slayer into a headbutt.

"Gyaaaahhh!" Simon yelled as Mewtwo psychically nabbed both himself and Bomberman and slammed their heads against one another, effectively knocking out the troublesome duo.

"All righty folks. Buckle up. This one's a doozy." Palutena inputted another command on the console and the cosmic portal that opened just a few minutes earlier turned into an initially beautiful but, on second glance, somewhat alarming sight:

Within, a regal setting greeted them – an image of a vainglorious, planet-sized monarch, clad in ridiculous tights and with a frilly ruff around his neck, sat upon a throne in the midst of a grassy field drinking some brewskies. The grass was so bright as to almost be neon, and the blue sky that of a warm summer's day.

The King had a head resembling a Tootsie Roll, and a moustache so sharp it could pop a Poke Float.

"Ah, such beautiful tragedy," he commented. "The fragments of dreams deferred, decapitated, and disintegrated by weapons of mass destruction. Such is their folly. Go forth, my son, and catch 'em all."

Then the King hit play on his iPod and the complete Pokerap busted out. "Gotta catch 'em all! Gotta catch 'em all!"

With that, a much smaller creature, boasting a similar head, emerged from the portal, pushing before it a rather large and absorbent ball, one that promptly began rolling up everything on the bloody remains of the warzone.

"What is that thing?" Ganondorf asked.

"That, dear Ganon, is a Katamari," said Pac-Man worriedly. "And the King and Prince of all Cosmos. They're genocidal collectors whose goal is to possess every object in the known digital Multiverse."

"We… haveta… stop 'im…" began Link, but his exhaustion and still-regenerating flesh kept him from standing up.

Just then, Lady Fi sang the _Zelda _'Secret Chime'.

"Update complete," said Mother CAST, rather satisfied.

"Rest up, Linkie-poo. Further fighting won't be necessary," Palutena told him with a smile, stroking Lady Fi's metallic cheeks with one hand while the blissed-out Sonja trembled beneath her other one.

"What did you just call him?!" Zelda grumbled, arms wrapped tightly around her boyfriend as she looked into Palutena's mind and saw all the dirty things the Goddess imagined doing with her very own lover. "You don't get to use any pet names on this one!"

"Awww, I take it you're not willing to share and share alike?" Palutena pouted. "We can have a threesome if you prefer."

"In your dreams!" exclaimed Zelda with crossed arms and flushed cheeks. "He's mine, and I'm his!"

* * *

**III. Symphony of Destruction**

_CAST Update Complete._

While cranking away at his station, those three words hit Masahiro Sakurai's eyes so hard they prompted tears.

_It's over. It's finally over, _he thought as he prepared the server for its soft reset and sent over some commands to the Prince of All Cosmos.

* * *

Now that the nuclear blast and subsequent teleportation had awoken him from his Daisy breath-induced slumber, the still mostly fleshy Mario ran up to the window of the spaceship and placed his regenerating hand against the protective coating.

The few remaining body parts left of Princess Peach were floating about in dead space.

_Peach pulverized. Luigi lost. Bowser beheaded. Rosie wrecked. Wario wasted (probably). And Yoshi… yielded? I don't a-know._

"I should have-a died too," said Mario. "I don't a-deserve to live."

"As digital creations, maybe none of us do," Impa pointed out as her hair grew back out from its burned roots. "No use beating ourselves up over it when we're between a deadly Katamari and a black hole."

The plumber nodded, and wandered off to look for some alcohol. It was only a few steps afterwards when he realized that he didn't quite feel like drinking…

He looked around at the devastation, or rather, he couldn't bring himself to look away from it. Retracing his memories, Mario turned towards the genetic pods where new versions of Luigi, Peach, and Bowser were already in the process of being reborn.

"Some of my memories have a-returned. I know now that they'll a-come back. But that doesn't a-mean the pain is any less."

"Take heart, Mario," Link told him. "We've won the battle."

"Does this look like victory to you?" said Samus.

"What matters is that the fighting's over," Snake pointed out. "Mr. Iwata's gone. Mr. Miyamoto logged out. The very fact that we're still here is a good sign. It means they're talking."

Dark Pit nodded. "He's right. If Iwata wanted to, he could have shut us all down while there was still a possibility of the server overloading."

"So we're just supposed to sit here and wait… for what?" Fox groaned.

"It's better than nothing," said Bayonetta.

Melville sobbed as he held poor Wyclef in his hands: the Pokemon had fainted from its wounds, and wasn't coming back to consciousness.

"Try this," said Mewtwo, who offered him a Max Revive.

"Oh, okay," the Male Villager responded, and proceeded to administer the item to his Clefairy friend.

"FAIRY!" Wyclef exclaimed, and nuzzled up against him.

While Melville was rather happy to see her, he also came to realize that that special something that had earlier afflicted him just kind of up and left.

_Where did my boner go? _He asked himself. _I mean, she's cute and all, don't get me wrong... but it's just not _there _anymore. I can't see little ol' me growing old with her._

"Um… I'm really glad you made it back and all…" he began, "but… maybe we acted a bit too fast. Perhaps we should, you know, take a break from one another, maybe catch a coffee or two?"

"Faaaaairy?" (REAAALLY?) Wyclef responded, tears welling up in its eyes.

"Yeah. Sorry. It's not you, it's me."

"You're wrong about that," Mewtwo said. "This Clefairy's Attract move wore off. You were never truly in love to begin with. Don't you know what happens to children conceived under the effects of a love potion? They become evil wizards who try to take over the world and shit."

"Wait… is that true, Wyclef?" Melville asked the Pokemon. "Did you really use a special move on me?"

"Fairy…" (Yes, it's true… but I didn't _know _you then! It's not like that anymore, baby! These last ten minutes have been the best ten minutes of my life!)

"HUMPH. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

* * *

The Prince of All Cosmos's Katamari was reaching some serious mass when it changed course after capturing all of Mecha Bowser and rolling on over to Shadow's airship.

"Uh, guys, we have incoming," Knuckles told the others, but they were too busy addressing the disappointed bookkeepers on the planet's surface.

Only one person predicted that the battle would end in a nuclear explosion, and he was rolling in the proceeds.

"The fuck is- OH," said Tails as the Katamari rolled them up into its folds.

The airship cracked and crackled as it was crushed between pieces of Final Destination and the bodily parts of the Smashers and Smash Hopefuls. Splintered planks of wood shot out and stabbed Wario, Pauline, and Sonic's friends one by one.

"YAAAAAAHHH!" screamed Amy Rose as her torso was impaled by the late Ike's Ragnell, which dealt her some fire damage; unlike its owner, the legendary blade had apparently survived unscathed.

"How's it hangin', guys?" a voice sounded out.

"Silver?!" Shadow exclaimed upon seeing the forgotten hedgehog, trapped underneath a large chunk of the _OG Great Fox_.

"Yeah, I went lookin' for you all. Got pretty lonely after the first few weeks, but then Takamaru and Impa put up a Reggieslist ad looking for potential Smashers, and AHHHHHHHHHHHH!-"

That sentence never finished, as a Space Pirate Frigate was rolled up into the gigantic ball, crushing Silver completely.

"Nooooooo!" Shadow cried.

"Wow, I didn't know you cared about him so much," observed Tails.

"Not at all. It's… ugh… that frigate reminded me how I forgot to mail out this rebate to get two coins off my next box of Metroid Mac and Cheese."

But the stuff being smushed into their faces wasn't enough, no. Because of its massive size, the Katamari was now rolling at over two hundred miles an hour; its speed combined with its friction tore the few surviving digital beings' bodies to bits.

* * *

Now that the Katamari was big enough to absorb the Birthing Chamber and the spaceship it was sitting atop of, Palutena promptly parked her vessel in the midst of the Prince's path.

"What are you doing?!" Zelda yelled. "It's going to kill us!"

"Sure, but only for a second. Worry not, princess," Palutena replied calmly. "Mr. Sakurai knows what he's doing."

"Sakurai's been wrong before, and I don't even have a full set of memories! Like hell I'm going to trust you!"

"PIIKA! Pika piiiiiii! Chuu!" (Chill out, Zelda! If we delay this any longer, I'll miss my TV appearance!) Pikachu exclaimed.

But the Hylian could not understand his language, and Meowth was too busy playing _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ with Greninja to translate.

So Zelda ran up to the controls, pushed Dark Pit aside, and shoved Palutena and Sonja from their desk, but she, in Sonic's parlance, was too slow: the giant rolling mass' own gravitational pull drew in the Birthing Chamber, upending the entire spacecraft.

All of the Smashers tumbled; the chamber rattled like a snow globe being held by a child in the midst of an epileptic seizure.

Now that the Katamari was the only thing in the sky, the King of All Cosmos beckoned for the Prince to bring him the ball.

However, the force of the black hole emanating from the Moon was too much, and the Katamari, the Prince, and even the King were all sucked within its depths. Fed by this new debris, the black hole grew to absorb even the entire planet.

On his console, Mr. Sakurai flipped the switch for a complete restart.

Now that the _Super Smash Bros. _CAST grid was completely empty, the lights went down on the server and the sun shone over the HDD bays in Nintendo's HQ.

* * *

**IV. The Times They Are A' Changin'  
**

"I must admit, I am pleasantly surprised at your results," said Mr. Iwata, who was back in his old Swordfighter body. "But I'm still upset that you both went behind my back and did this against my wishes."

From his office in Kyoto, Nintendo's CEO had plugged into his VR console again; he was sharing a completely blank white space with Misters Sakurai (who was in the Bandai-Namco office in Shinagawa, Tokyo) and Miyamoto (who was in the basement of his Kyoto residence).

"Sometimes you need to risk it all for the ultimate good," Mr. Sakurai said. "I couldn't live with myself if we'd ended up freezing everyone."

"You say that _now_, but this game is your baby. It's also the most important release the Wii U will ever have. Would you really have given it up for these digital dunces?"

"These are our friends and dependents," Mr. Miyamoto said. "They need us to care for them in much the same way we need them to survive."

"But they have no power over us. By law, they are our intellectual property."

"No one should ever own lifeforms or make them into slaves," said Mr. Sakurai. "Mr. Yokoi made sure that CAST was foolproof in that regard."

"Loyal as always to your _other _mentor, I see. No, I get it. What he tried to do, I mean," Mr. Iwata said. "And now that your true allegiance is clear, shit's all falling into place. It was your intention to overload Mother CAST. And you did so by creating a battle so epic that the servers would fail to process it."

"You are correct, sir," said Masahiro.

"Then it is no stretch to conclude that you intended for Fi to become overloaded all along. And that this overload was orchestrated in a fashion timed so that you could remotely update Mother CAST while I was occupied, to prevent my interfering with you. And that update was to be put in by none other than Palutena, through the act of digital coitus. Talk about taking an ultimate risk."

Masahiro laughed. "Right again! Why else would I have had Palutena be such a promiscuous woman?"

"Well, there are several hypotheses that could lead to that conclusion. I've heard something about a 'pole dance' taunt?"

"Fan service, nothing more. In truth, she was the perfect agent. The other Smashers never once suspected her. Through having sex with so many of them, she was able to gather enough necessary data on Lady Fi's glitches for me to fine-tune the fixes."

"And you never brought this up to me because…"

"Because you would not have taken the risk of a full-on CAST update crashing our system. Maybe you would have nine or even ten years ago, before the Wii came out… but now, with the Wii U struggling, you have your legacy to think about. You had too much to lose to even attempt to put everything on the line."

"Perhaps," said Mr. Iwata. "Maybe that's just a result of getting older."

"Whatever the cause," Mr. Miyamoto replied, cutting through the psycho-babble, "we couldn't simply let the CAST members live like this anymore."

"Have it your way, white knights," Mr. Iwata said with a smirk. "Let's just hope that update of yours doesn't have any glitches of its own. If the whole thing fails…"

"It won't," said Mr. Miyamoto. "We'll make sure of it."

"Good," Iwata said, and adjusted his Mii Swordfighter's digital glasses. "Shigsy, let's get lunch later. Maybe I'll take you up on that hike. Have you got any more of those shrooms?"

"C'mon man, I _grow _them!" Shigeru said with a hearty laugh. "And Hiro-kun, get some fucking sleep! You look like something chewed you up, digested you, and shat you out!"

It was true: Masahiro had been up for eighty hours straight working on the final build for _Super Smash Bros. for_ _Nintendo 3DS; _the game's cartridges had already gone into print, but a release-day patch would address a few lingering problems.

He nodded to his bosses. "Soon, sirs. In the meantime, I feel I owe the CAST members an explanation. If we can gain their trust this time, maybe the aftermath won't be so bad..."

"Atta boy. We'll get outta your way," said Mr. Miyamoto, who then waved at the Smashers who were now materializing right before Mr. Sakurai.

"Papa!" Mario said happily with an enthusiastic wave. "Thanks for your a-help!"

"Anytime, Mario," said Shigsy as Mr. Iwata created an exit door. More characters filtered through portals to complete the Smash roster.

Mr. Miyamoto gave Sakurai one last reassuring pat on the shoulder before disappearing through the portal dramatically, though they could have simply logged out. "And come visit me more often!" he added at the last second.

Now, Mr. Sakurai was alone with the Smashers, many of whom had recently come back to life and were chit-chatting with their buddies, happy to know that death was not the end.

"What happened?" Link asked Zelda.

"Beats me."

Impa walked up to Mr. Sakurai and handed him a manila folder. He thanked her, and then scanned its contents. As he messed around with his tablet preparing some sort of presentation, she stood alongside Phosphora and dusted off her charcoal business suit.

The Female Villager, Nana, and ROB joined the cast of the 3DS Smashers, which also included Wolf, Lucas, Roy, Pichu, Squirtle, Ivysaur, the Pokemon Trainer, Young Link, Snake, Mewtwo, and the Koopalings.

"I'm a-so happy to see you!" Mario said as he hugged Don Luigi.

"Mario! Looking pretty good, _paisano!_" Luigi admitted, surprised to see a smile on his bro's face.

"Such odd little men," said Lucina. "Your noses are humongous."

"Excuse a-me, we're a-having a moment here," Luigi said. "Just who are a-you, anyway?"

"Lucina is the name my parents gave me. I have come from a future not yet written, and I will not leave until I've saved my father from certain death."

Marth walked up to Lucina and squinted upon seeing her. "Souu desu ka? Anata wa watashi no yōnimieru. Kimochi warui." (Is that so? You look like me. It gives me a weird feeling.)

Lucina fell to her knee immediately after identifying Marth. "If... if I may, sir. You much resemble the Marth of legend, my ancestor. Could it be, truly, that you are he, in the flesh?"

"Nan desu ka?" (Huh?) Marth asked before turning to Captain Olimar. "Dare ga kono sekushi shoujo desu?" (Who is this hot babe?)

"She supposed to be your descendant, cuz," said Dedede.

"NANI?!" (WHAT?!)

"Keep your eyes on the prize, son," Olimar replied. "She's far enough off the family tree. Don't gimme that look. I'd be all over her Forbidden Fruits."

"That's a sweet sword," Ike told the Newcomer.

"My father's Parallel Falchion. It's seen many battles."

Upon hearing this conversation, Snake rubbed his chin and addressed Samus. "Hmmm, either she's a very intense method actress, or she really thinks the world she starred in is real."

"You seem pretty interested," Samus said with a smirk.

"Just a curiosity," Snake replied. "Listen, the chances are pretty slim that I'll be going back to the Smashgrounds with you, so..."

"You could always sneak in," said Samus.

"True."

"HOLD ON! What the fuck's that evil dog doing here?" Link asked no one in particular, pointing at the snickering Duck Hunt dog. "Anyone?"

"So what'd I miss, brah?" Toon Link asked Captain Falcon.

"Giant mecha battle. Daisy and Peach had a cat-fight. It was pretty hot."

"Awwww shucks!" Olimar lamented. "Did anyone get any footage, at least?"

"Hopefully we'll get some highlights from the reruns on Smash TV," said Toon Link.

"Who are you supposed to be, kid?" interrupted Young Link, who glared at the cat-eyed child who'd taken his place on the official roster.

"I could ask you the same question," Regular Link responded, and looked the kid in the eye. "Man, the resemblance is uncanny."

But Young Link puffed up his cheeks and whipped out a photograph of himself chilling by the beach with green-haired Saria. "Quit lookin' at me like I'm some sorta sideshow attraction! I used to be a Smasher like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee!"

"Go back to 2011! You don't get to use that joke anymore!" Ganondorf yelled, and thunderstomped Young Link's face into the floor with his down-aerial.

"Another one bites the dust," said Zelda, who studied the photo. "Why is it that none of the other Links ever end up with other Zeldas?"

"Does it matter, honey?" asked Link. "You've got me, right?"

She smiled. "I guess it kinda doesn't."

Meanwhile, DK, Lucario, and Meta-Knight all found that they were able to speak again.

"Oh man, am I glad that's over!" Donkey Kong said, and then covered his mouth.

Every eye in the room was on him.

"HOLY SHIT! I CAN SPEAK ENGLISH NOW!" he exclaimed, and high-fived Diddy. "GOD DAMN IS IT GOOD TO BE BACK!"

"My main man!" Diddy replied, and the two did a little dance.

"Well that's new," Lucario said telepathically.

"Huh," Meta-Knight commented. "I feel… different somehow? I have the distinct feeling that my hitboxes have been severely nerfed."

"That be crazy talk, homeboy!" yelled Dedede. "You's good as new!"

"_DEDEDE_! Ya dickface!" Meta-Knight yelled at his buddy. "You were using me as a pillow on your lawn chair! Aaaannnnd you were hogging the bowl when Bayonetta tried to offer it to me!"

"Er… yeah, sorry 'bout dat. Hey, look on the bright side, though," Dedede said, and pulled out a rather large ziplock with two ounces of weed. "There's plenty where that came from!"

"Illegal drugs detected," said ROB, and attempted to grab the bag from Dedede.

"DAFUQ?!" exclaimed the monarch. "Stoners unite!"

And so Kirby, Popo, Ike, Dedede, and Game and Watch all ganged up on the electronic buzzkill, tore it to pieces, and snapped its head clean off.

"No more fighting!" cried Peach, whose Toads were adjusting her hair and patching up her tattered dress. "Seriously, the war is _over!_"

"That wasn't fighting," said King Dedede as he urinated on the Smashers' dining hall servant, who was now a scrap heap, whilst simultaneously rolling another joint. "As Batman himself would say, _that_ was justice."

"Aaaand just where have you been, Female Villager? You look terrific, by the way," Melville asked Fiona, who was clad in a rather official-looking military uniform, that of a five-star general. She sported a slicked-back bob haircut and a thick layer of TV-ready makeup.

"That's… none of your concern," she said, chin held high.

"Popo…" Nana said, inching close to her ex. "There's something I have to tell you before it's too late. Something horrible has happened down on the surface."

"You've been boning Pac-Man, I know," Popo replied. "Not tryin' to judge, but you really outta quit uploading your shit to iCloud. Schmucks are hacking your pictures and sellin' em for coins. Don't get me wrong, I didn't go looking for nudes or nothin', I was just lurking-"

"No! It's not that… although I have to apologize for that, too. It's much worse. Ever since you left-"

"Uh, you mean since _last night_?"

"Yeah, it's Fiona. She's totally-"

"Excuse me!" Mr. Sakurai exclaimed. He'd just prepared setting up a cosmic Powerpoint presentation, one that was projected in front of the merry gathering with this title: _CAST, _Super Smash Bros._ and You: A Handy Guide_.

"Everyone, please quiet down. I have a few things to say."

* * *

**V. In the Morning of the Magicians**

Masahiro took out his tablet and coded in a whole bunch of rather comfortable La-Z-Boy sofas for them to sit down on, and then altered his appearance so that he was wearing a very serious-looking trench coat and a pair of sunglasses that magically stuck onto his nose without having to wrap around his ears.

"Welcome, one and all. I apologize for all of the chaos you've just endured. Allow us to heal any damage you may have sustained and tidy up any wardrobe malfunctions."

At this, a Great Fairy flew over the crowd, followed by an entire army of tiny sprites that completely healed all the survivors and left them with outfits as good as new, though Zelda felt she was still in desperate need of a shower.

"Make yourselves comfortable."

Sensing her unease and discomfort, Link held Zelda's hand tightly; the princess looked to the left – not too far from them was a bleachers, and beside it, a portal from which the Smash hopefuls and assorted Moon residents – including Krystal, Travis Touchdown, Shrek, Rayman, Bomberman, Simon Belmont, Bayonetta, the Wonderful 101, Dixie Kong, Ridley, Mach Rider, Takamaru, and the others – were emerging, only to be ushered towards their seats by Viridi, Hades, and Medusa.

Dedede ran over to grab Bayonetta's hand, but he slammed into an invisible wall. The Umbran Witch waved to him and said something that was inaudible through the barrier.

"Why they bein' locked up?" Dedede asked. "Some of these peeps are our friends!"

"We don't need comments from the peanut gallery, not yet," said Mr. Sakurai. "I've separated you all from the hopefuls so that we can get this over with in the most efficient manner. For anyone wondering about any Pokemon not present: they got sent back to the Pokemon Park in Smash City. I do not suggest interrupting me, but should you deign to do so, Phosphora here will be glad to show you the meaning of silence."

Without further ado, a Metal Gear Rex emerged from a portal, with a bubbly blonde woman at its helm.

"Heya guys," said Phosphora, and demonstrated her power by hovering above the cockpit and firing lightning bolts from her fingertips; they ricocheted around the invisible walls bordering the white expanse. "You may find my methods of discipline rather… shocking!"

"AHHHH!" exclaimed Captain Falcon, who fell to the floor dramatically and clutched his chest as if he were dying. "That pun gave me cancer."

"I hear we have a doctor on call. Maybe you need your funny bone examined," Palutena pointed out with a smile.

This even more terrible pun sent Captain Falcon into spasms, which were cured by Lucario defibrillating him with his Force Palm. Little Mac punched himself, an act that nearly KO'd the poor Bronx native.

"Enough with the comic antics, please. I am very, very… very very… very tired…" said Mr. Sakurai, his enormous eyebags threatening to put him to sleep onstage. Not long after, he actually nodded off.

Thankfully, Palutena walked on over and slapped him in the face, much to the shock of everyone in the room.

"WHUH?" Mr. Sakurai exclaimed, and then shook his head hard to dispel the exhaustion. "Oh, thanks, Palutena."

"I am no longer the Goddess Formerly Known as Palutena. Call me _Midori-chan_," replied the green-haired one.

"Very well," said Masahiro as those in the audience who had no idea of Palutena's true allegiance began murmuring and gossiping again.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Bowser screamed. "We're finally about to get all the goddamn answers we've been waiting for! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

"Appreciate it," Masahiro said, patting the Koopa King on the arm. "You see, Palutena here was instrumental in staging this rebellion against the dominant powers governing these digital realms. If it weren't for her sleeping around, she would not have been able to gather sufficient data concerning Mother CAST's errors."

"You mean you didn't want me for my body?" Lucario said telepathically, disappointed.

"Of course I did!" Palutena said. She walked up to the Pokemon and began stroking his fur. "Just because it was my job doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it with all my being. I'm all about the free love."

"AHEM," Mr. Sakurai said. "She's always been promiscuous. It was my prerogative to use those traits in my favor. But as I was saying, her sexual encounter with Lady Fi allowed her to install the crucial update fixing the memory overload errors, which have been affecting CAST servers worldwide and causing you all nightmares. But I'm getting ahead of myself."

"Yoshi!" (Who's getting head?) the dinosaur asked, ready to film any sexual acts. Bowser, annoyed, poked him in the eyeballs with his claws, prompting a cry of ultimate pain.

"Alrighty then," Mr. Sakurai said. "Where to begin... see, you all have been here before, many times. And each time in the past, after I end up telling you the truth about your existences, minds are blown. Yelling begins. And there's freaking out, depression, and bad juju happening."

He began his slideshow with some footage taken by a Camera Lakitu showing Fox McCloud earlier that night – confused and bewildered by Pigma Dengar's revelation that he was just a character in a videogame, the Star Fox team captain shot himself in the head.

"I see you snickering, Falco," Sakurai pointed out, "but as you guys can't handle the truth, this is the kind of shit that tends to happen. It's messy, it hogs up server resources, and it promotes negative vibes. I really don't want it to come to this. So I'll do what my mentor, Mr. Yokoi would have done. I'll be offering you all a choice. We're going to make decisions in an absolute yet democratic manner here. First off, I'm giving you one last chance to turn back from the truth. As you all are living together, this information is not something that can be doled out on a case-to-case basis. It's all or nothing."

The Japanese man then produced two pills from his jacket.

"Pick the blue pill, and you'll wake up back at the Smashgrounds, forgetting we ever had this meeting. Your current memories will no longer be suppressed, but you won't ever find out the harsh truth, either, and can go along living in your merry way unmolested by any of our powers-that-be. But pick the red pill, and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Let's see some hands."

Phosphora and Impa tallied up the results, but only the Pokemon Trainer picked the blue pill.

"You guys suck!" the Trainer yelled.

"I figured as much," said Mr. Sakurai. "Okay. This... is a construct within the CAST server. A blank hub, one where we, the Developers, can load anything we need."

"Right now, we're inside of a computer?" Mega Man queried.

"Is it really so hard to believe?" Mr. Sakurai continued. "You all are from different universes, sporting different proportions, weapons, and even physics. Gravity affects you all in different ways. Your appearances are all based upon very specific design choices. This is all possible because you are digital lifeforms, existing within servers shared between various multinational game publishers."

"This..." Peach said, tapping the sofa she was sitting on. "This isn't real?"

"How do you _define _real? If you're talking about what you can see, what you can hear, feel, touch, taste... then real is just electrical signals interpreted by your brain." Mr. Sakurai then clicked to the next slide of the Powerpoint presentation, showing off a whole bunch of digital worlds. Dreamland. The Mushroom Kingdom. Hyrule. Termina. Pokemon's Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, Hoenn, Unova, and Kalos. Mega City. The Bionis. Pac-World. Kong Island. Mobius, and so on and so forth.

"Hang on, you're just quoting _The Matrix, _man," Kirby said.

"Yeeeess," Mr. Sakurai said ominously. "That's right, my son."

_A chill ran up Kirby's spine. D-daddy?_

"WAIT! It was you! You're the ominous voice!" Link yelled.

"I had a feeling you were behind all this!" screamed Donkey Kong. "Do you know what it's like to not be able to do anything for months?! To be watching your body act like a gorram fool without your own input?!"

"No, I don't. But I've also given yourself and Diddy English voices. Because of the TV show, it's something Mr. Miyamoto's always wanted to do, but we've never had the freedom until now. It is in my power to take them away. So please, let me finish," said Mr. Sakurai. "Everything you've ever interacted with, every piece of food you've eaten, every substance you've ingested... all of it is completely digital."

"Ain't no way nohow I's a fuckin' program," King Dedede said. "Stick that up yer hairless, flaccid asshole!"

"That's no way to talk to your creator!" Phosphora cried, and fired a bolt of lightning at Dedede. Before Viridi's commander could commit regicide, however, Mr. Sakurai waved his hand and the bolt deflected, splitting into forking tendrils that rebounded harmlessly.

"It appears that you're not ready to take me at my word," said the developer. "And that's okay. In the past, I took my time laying it all out for you, piece by piece. Gave room for the disbelief to set in. So I might as well try something a little different this time. I'm going to show before I tell."

He waved his Wii Remote at the projector screen, which split apart into several dozen screens that covered the room end to end. And on each screen, to the Smashers' great surprise, played footage from the hundreds of games in Nintendo's back catalog, as well as several anime series and shorts starring the Smashers.

"Behold," said Mr. Sakurai. "These are your legacies. You are the stars of some of the greatest video games ever made, experiences that have brought endless hours of joy and escapism to millions of people the world over."

The Smashers themselves were star-struck. While some were rather confused or made physically sick by the reveal, those who were perhaps closer to the memories they had spent so long suppressing felt waves of contentment and relief at this revelation. The feeling pervading the room was rather magical.

"Oh, except for you, Pichu," Mr. Sakurai continued. "No one gives a rat's ass about you. Man, what a financial disappointment you turned out to be. So many unsold plushies, lunchboxes, and t-shirts. Warehouses of them."

"Piii... Pichu..." (I was promised the nose candy. Where mah drugs at?) the mouse replied.

"For the rest of you, though you all can be a real pain in the tuckus to us here at Nintendo from time to time, it's no lie to say you're the inspiration to people around the world," said Mr. Sakurai.

"It all makes sense now..." Peach observed as she saw _Super Princess Peach _playing on a screen. The Mushroom Kingdom princess' eyes then went to Samus and Snake, who were exchanging warm smiles.

Samus turned to see Peach, and when the two made eye contact, both bounty hunter and dubious monarch were hit with a recent-ish memory from a few months ago that slapped them sideways.

* * *

**VI. I Kissed A Girl**

**June 12****th****, 2014**

**The Smashgrounds**

A majestic purple dusk fell over the Smashgrounds like an Infinite Improbability Drive calling a Wailord into meaningless existence a hundred miles in the air over a strange planet, only to have its fleeting consciousness brutally silenced by the forces of gravity.

Improbability Drive aside, that was, in point of fact, what had happened that night. Clad in her pink nightie, Samus Aran watched from her balcony in waves of mental anguish as _Super Smash Bros. Brawl's_ Pokemon Trainer, distraught, stood upon a platform revolving around the grounds, and in tears, continually released his Pokemon and shot them in the face with a Ray Gun, wrecking their flesh only to have it regenerate, over and over.

"What are you doing, you idiot?" Samus yelled, though she knew the answer.

"It's a lie! It's all a fucking lie! We're all puppets! Nothing fucking matters! There's no reason to live!"

"You want a reason to live, punk? I'll shove a Power Bomb so far up your ass you'll wish you hadn't said that!"

Samus winced as the double balcony doors of the room beside her creaked open.

_Princess Zelda's room. Shit. She'll probably have some words for me. __This was right after we learned the truth! Just a couple of days after, in fact. We were all rather tired, and in a very vulnerable state... oh God, why do I have the feeling this is going to be awkward...?_

"Ah, I'm sorry if I was being too loud, prin-"

"Not at all," the voice replied, though it belonged to someone Samus had much less fear for – the mostly light-hearted Princess Toadstool.

Peach stepped out, clad in loose-fitting pajamas, and smiled. Samus couldn't help but notice that her top two buttons were undone. Considering that she'd recently separated from Mario to live with Zelda again, it wasn't difficult to imagine that Peach was on the market.

_Damn, she's hot. Don't lose your cool, Samus. She's just as afraid of you as you are of her… or some shit._

"There's nothing to worry about. They'll come right back, though I imagine they have a bone or two to pick with their trainer."

Shortly after being brutally murdered, each of the trainer's Pokemon respawned atop the cliff face, and before long they'd enacted a plan to give him a taste of his own medicine. The comic irony of the event failed to hold Samus' attention, as it was little competition for the Princess' smile.

"I suspect I've left you breathless?" Peach winked.

Samus snapped out of it, though she did not avert her eyes for long. "Ah, sorry. I've never been too fast with words. They take time to form sometimes."

"It's okay. Sometimes words just get in the way."

Blushing, Samus threw the Princess a sly grin, and then turned back to the Pokemon.

"Do you mind if I come over?" Peach asked.

_No way. This is not happening._

"N-n-no. Not at all. But can you make it?"

The distance between the balconies was about twelve feet.

"With my hover abilities? It ain't even a thang."

Samus braced herself to help if needs be. The Princess pulled up her bottoms and hovered across the way, but as she landed on the slick railing, she tipped over backwards ever so slightly – on purpose, Samus noted – but she reached out for her all the same.

Their hands met, and Peach happily fell forward towards the bounty hunter, landing with her head tucked into Samus' chest, resting atop heaven's beanbags. Peach held Samus' upper arms softly to slow her racing heart. Though the Princess was almost a foot shorter than her, Samus couldn't deny she'd already fallen willingly under her spell.

_Does this woman never lose her cool? Gods, I'm fuckin' jealous._

"Thanks for catching me."

"I couldn't just let you fall."

"Puh-lease. You knock me off the arena all the time," Peach laughed. "But at least now I know they're even softer than they look."

"Huh?"

"We're both women here," said Peach, running her hand down Samus' back. "It's only fair if you test mine out too. Unless you don't want to?"

"Don't get me wrong, I'd love to… more than anything… it's just…"

Peach gently laced her fingers in between Samus', and traced the back of her hands. She stood on her tiptoes up against Samus' neck and lowered her voice to a whisper.

"You're wondering why I want you. And you're hoping this isn't just a rebound or another fling of mine now that Mario and I are separated."

Samus didn't answer. A slight nod confirmed Peach's suspicions.

"It's a little chilly. Do you mind if we take this inside?"

Wordlessly, Samus smiled and led the Princess from the balcony, shut the doors, turned on the heat, and closed the blinds.

"Tea?" she offered, knowing full well that Peach had an infinitely more robust selection in her own quarters.

"Thanks," said Peach, and sipped lightly. She loosened her pajamas. "It can't have been easy for you."

Samus nearly spilled her own tea. "I'm sorry?"

"Losing Mr. Yokoi, I mean. Not to mention you're a third culture kid. You've led a lonely life."

"I see. You're trying to get in my head."

"Not at all," said Peach. "I just… I have a sort of complex, you see. I've been useless for most of my time here. I want to… to do anything I can to bring joy and understanding into this world. And the other day, when I saw you… you looked so sad. And I couldn't begin to imagine why."

"It's hard to talk about."

"That's fine. We have all night. Excuse me for a moment, please."

She stood to use the bathroom, and returned after a few minutes to see Samus putting on a fake smile. 'Twas a valiant effort, if not one that could fool a classically trained actress.

The Princess took a detour to put out nearly every light in the room, leaving one by the tea table and one near the bedside.

"Peach?"

"Shh."

The Princess began to massage Samus' shoulders, softly at first, and then a little harder. She teased her by hovering close and breathing on her neck, and whispered.

"I won't lie, Samus. I admire the fuck out of you."

_God, that's hot. She never curses._

Armed with hot oils, Peach took her time, working Samus' finely-toned arms, upper back, and lower back with her small but firm hands.

"It was… it was Fox. He says he loves me. I bare my heart to him. We've always been… we share a vocation. Understand one another. But despite my best, he… he keeps wanting... demanding _more. _Like there's something he needs that I'll never have…"

"You can't choose who loves you and how much, Samus. Only how to best express the love you hold in your own heart, and who to give it to. Love multiplies exponentially when shared. But devotion and possession can tear it down. Love suffocates when it can't express itself."

"God... that... that describes my situation so well..."

"A deja vu? Perhaps we've had this conversation before but the memory hasn't returned yet."

"Weird."

"Definitely. But back to Fox. You aren't defined by his lack of affection and understanding."

"I know… when it's coming from your mouth... well, you make it sound so simple. It's true that I can't expect to change him. But… I can't help wanting to."

At this point, Peach finally just abandoned the massage entirely and simply ran her hands over Samus' shapely thighs.

"That's another thing I admire about you. You're earnest. And your love is true. No matter what anyone else thinks, you're like, fuckin' spot on. You think with your heart, you hate mind games, you don't tell lies, and you speak your soul's words. I want to learn from you. I want you to show me who you are, down at the core. To see that innocent girl, the rebellious ex-soldier, and the corrupted bounty hunter all rolled into one."

Samus moaned as Peach's hands touched the wetness between her thighs.

"Oh God, Peach, I can't stand it."

The Princess smiled. "I know. So why don't you do something about it?"

Samus pulled Peach towards her and gave her a big, wet, sloppy kiss. Peach fell into it happily, and guided Samus' hand underneath her pajamas.

_She's not wearing any panties._

"Y-you're soaking wet," Samus whispered.

"And I'm ready for you."

Peach pulled down her bottoms, and her lover followed suit. Peach sat atop Samus, straddling her. The Princess wrapped her arms around the bounty hunter as she kissed and licked at her long neck.

This was a decisive moment for Samus. _There's no way I'm letting her be on top._

She grabbed Peach's peach-shaped ass cheeks and carried her to the King-sized feather bed, where she tossed her atop the covers and tore off her top.

"Yes!" Peach cried out as Samus ripped off her own tight-fitting nightie and THREW IT ON THE GROUND. Peach fondled Samus' luscious double-Ds while her partner worked on nibbling her earlobes. Both women awkwardly attempted to position their legs so that they could grind against one another whilst feeling each other up.

"Fuck, I love your chest," Samus said, teasing the Princess' nipples. She began licking and sucking on them, prompting Peach to moan and twitch. Samus then ran her lips and tongue down the Princess' body until she reached her mound, which had a nifty blonde heart heart-shape, but was otherwise cleanly shaven.

"Do it," Peach commanded. "Please, Samus."

She didn't need to ask twice. Samus' tongue parted her labia and probed those depths with hitherto unfelt dexterity and grace.

The bounty hunter held Peach's eyes. With her left index finger, she curled the tip of her ponytail, put on an innocent pout, and alternated her pussy-eating speed from fast to slow, and back to the intense and mature persona again.

Peach couldn't believe how far Samus was willing to bare her soul. _She's a shapeshifter. A woman who switches between planes of reality and non-realities, who longs for innocence lost without denying her own carnal pleasures. My kind of gal, in short._

The Princess pushed up against her mouth, and Samus soon added her fingers to the mix. Peach moaned and cried, gripping the bed tightly as she came in torrents, again and again.

"You're even better than I ever imagined," Peach mewed lightly through her aftershock spasms. "No one has ever kissed me like that before."

Samus grinned. "I'm honored to be the first one."

"Let me return the favor," Peach said in between another round of kisses.

"All in good time."

Once Peach had gotten a long taste of her own juices from Samus' mouth, Samus decided to mix it up by breaking out more body oil. In no time at all she'd covered hers and Peach's pussies with the warm fluid.

"My! The texture… the smell… it's intoxicating…" Peach observed.

"Some natural Hylian recipe. One of Link's. He sells 'em."

The two began grinding their very wet pussies together. Samus bit Peach's lips, hard, prompting the Princess to slap her behind repeatedly.

"Don't stop, Samus! Show me all that love you have, just waiting to come out!"

This went on for another ten minutes, and then the two switched to sixty-nine-ing.

Many intense orgasms were had as each girl had access to the other's clitoris.

"Mmm, you know, I've got something in my drawer," Samus giggled.

Peach took a break from motorboating her companion and wiped the pussy juice from her nose. "Hm? Say what?"

"Just open it."

Peach, who was on top, obliged. Underneath her leather and lace was, sealed away in shrink-wrap, a double-sided dildo in the shape of two large mushrooms. She squealed in surprise.

"I… I actually thought about you when I bought this. I never thought this day would come."

The Princess was still stunned as Samus proceeded to carefully set up her end.

"Wh-where did you-?"

"Wario runs an underground market in Smashville. Apparently, it's got force feedback and changes in girth and length in response to our motions. Don't ask."

Now laying on her stomach with her bent legs sticking up into the air, Peach marveled at how hot Samus looked with a rubber cock strapped to her. "You know, saying something like that's the absolute best way to get someone's attention."

Samus slapped Peach's exposed butt cheeks. "I disagree, Princess. Sometimes a little violence brings about faster results, even if it may not be the most subtle."

"Touché," Peach replied as she pushed Samus onto her back, held her hands down, sucked all over her ears, neck, and tits, and began to rub her folds against the outside of the faux dick, preparing herself for entry.

Samus spanked her lover's buttocks again. "Don't you mean, 'tushie'?"

Both women started giggling uncontrollably, and then hugged one another. Peach leaned back and held her lover's hands. Samus spread her legs and the mushroom dildo stood straight up at attention; it had detected Peach's wetness and promptly locked on to its source.

"Oh! It's warm!"

She slowly lowered herself onto Samus' toy and found that it was incredibly sensitive, and throbbed rhythmically.

"Let's dance to the music," Samus said in between heavy breaths.

The two women engaged in the most passionate lovemaking either had experienced in many a fortnight. Shedding tears of joy, Peach and Samus screamed out loud in ecstasy multiple times.

When the next morning came, however, the women both talked it over and agreed that as fun as the previous night was, they should probably keep their relationship on the down-low to avoid the inevitable media frenzy that would ensue.

It was one thing to be stalked by Camera Lakitus outside of their private quarters on a daily basis, quite another to have your sex life laid bare for the world to see, especially with all the perverts running about...

And so, two of Nintendo's leading ladies had become a clandestine couple, meeting after hours. Only, after Donkey Kong's rebellion and the memory erasures, something had changed: following that server reset, Peach had gone back to trying to help the alcoholic Mario, whose condition was worsening by the day... and Samus had returned to trying to rekindle her relationship with Fox.

* * *

**VII. What's My Age Again?**

**Modern Day**

**The CAST Construct (Blank Server Room)**

As quickly as Samus and Peach experienced the flashback simultaneously, they both looked away from one another in embarrassment. It was an odd thing to remember, to say the least. It could also be said that both women had completely soaked their panties.

"Mama mia..." said Don Luigi, watching himself vacuum up a ghost with the Poltergust on the floating screens. "How could I have a-forgotten... it was a-like yesterday..."

"For some of you, the memories will come back quickly," Masahiro said. "But for most, it'll take some time. Might even be on a case-by-case basis. Don't try and force anything."

Captain Falcon took the helmet off his throbbing head and fell onto his back as a lifetime of sexual memories returned to him.

* * *

**February 1994**

At one of Mario's insane parties, Captain Falcon exploded into Daisy's mouth while a pixilated Palutena ate out his asshole whilst probing it with her fingers.

**May 2011**

Peach was teasing Douglas' nipples by zapping them with electric prods hooked up to a car battery. Intrigued, Mach Rider increased and decreased the electrical shock whilst sucking upon his penis.

**August 2006**

Armed with his video camcorder, Yoshi watched captivated as Captain Falcon and Ike cuddled with one another on a beach blanket under the stars and began giving each other handjobs, which escalated into blowjobs.

**March 1999**

"HYESSS!"

"Oh yeaaaah!" a mockery of an Italian accent said in return.

Captain Falcon was boning Mach Rider's behind while Luigi took her from the front, effectively Eiffel Tower-ing her.

**October 2008**

Captain Falcon sat back and watched, cigar in hand, at the four-hundred-Pokemon orgy. It was not a pleasant sight nor a Sweet Scent, but it sure Hypnotized and Hardened him.

* * *

Despite the flood of flashbacks, the Captain played it cool, though. He coughed, wiped the sweat from his brow, put the helmet back on, and fluffed out his Madoka Kaname cosplay outfit.

"Wait, why are you still wearing that?" said Little Mac.

He wanted to reply, "Because it really shows off my legs," but upon seeing his friend, Captain Falcon's eyes widened and he fell into another flashback sequence.

* * *

**The Year 2000**

**The Smashgrounds**

"Keep 'em comin', baby! Ain't nothin' better than s'mores!" Doc Louis chanted as his camera captured Captain Falcon and Little Mac dressed up as chocolate bars with holes cut out for their dicks. Making use of squished bananas for lubricant, they took turns pounding Mach Rider and Pauline, who were dressed up like toasted marshmallows.

The duo high-fived and even had a little sword-fight afterwards.

* * *

**Modern Day**

"Uh, wow," Captain Falcon said. "Did you... just now..."

"Recall the night when Doc Louis made us dress up like chocolate bars, and then you creamed all over, staining my favorite carpet?"

"IKR. Holy fuck. Back then... we..."

"Yeah. No homo, but we been through some shit. Love ya brah."

"Love ya too," said Douglas, and the two hugged for a bit too long.

"Gross," Mach Rider commented, and then walked up to the Captain and grabbed his junk, stealing his attention away from Little Mac. "You can play with him later. I have years of punishment to inflict on this one."

"TMI!" yelled Pac-Man, who was rather bored.

Link clutched his head as a migraine suddenly manifested itself. Zelda held him tightly. Until this moment, Link had thought that he and Zelda had only become a couple in the last few months. Now, fragments of their sixteen-year sexual and non-sexual history were flooding his conscious mind, rendering him speechless.

* * *

**Smashville, 2010**

Link and Zelda were on a date to the Villager's domain: Smashville. And the large-headed folk walking around invited them into their houses and asked them to help out with petty chores. After delivering a third item and receiving a weird shirt in return, Zelda was rather anxious to leave and walked on over to where Link and the Male Villager were fishing by the stream and tossing back beers.

"Honey, I'm bored," she told him. "Can we retire for the night?"

"Seriously?" Link said. "I love this place! There's tons of bugs and fish, and I haven't even started on the fossils..."

"You've been out here practically _all day_!"

The Male Villager gave Link a look that told him: _better not piss her off, dude_.

"Ah, fine," Link agreed. "Seeya later, bro."

And so they began walking out of the city and towards the town that housed their hotel room, and along the way, Zelda kept sighing constantly.

"You seem kind of distant lately," she told him.

"Is that so?" he replied after browsing the museum's fish catalog. "If so, I'm sorry. Been a while since I got back into fishing again."

A random cat stopped them in their tracks and summoned the duo forth.

"Welcome to our town! I'm Mitzi! Would you like to come and visit my house?!" it asked them.

"Not really," said Link.

But the wide-eyed cat had its eye on his slimy wet beast. "Ah! Is that a Arowana you have there? Care to trade it for my Arapalma?"

"FUCK YES!" the Hylian exclaimed, and much to Zelda's frustration they ended up following the large-headed feline back to its humble abode to trade some fish.

When its doors swung open, Zelda immediately knew they had fallen into trouble. In addition to several aquarium tanks, the room was filled with a smattering of ceramic pots of different makes, shapes, and sizes.

Link was suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to break every pot in the room.

"Must... resist... GAAAAHHHH!"

Zelda was about to yank her boyfriend out of the door, but Link pushed off her hand. He could not hold himself back, and poor Mitzi cried in terror as the Master Sword turned her collection of ceramic pots into dust.

"NO!" Mitzi cried, and threw herself atop the last one. "This one has my mother's ashes! You can't! You mustn't!"

"Urge... too strong..." Link began. He almost stabbed Mitzi in the gut when Zelda rushed in and smacked him in the face with a lightning kick. Link landed in the corner of the room, face-first. She continued to attack her boyfriend until his face was bruised.

"This has always been a problem for him. I'm so sorry," Zelda told Mitzi, and dragged Link out of the house.

Link reluctantly gave forth the Bells he earned that day from hours of fishing to repair the poor villager's household.

"I can't believe you still haven't gotten that under control," said Zelda.

Link massaged his tender face. "Excuse you, princess. I don't think it was necessary to turn my face into hamburger. Gimme some o' them heals."

"Grow up. It'll heal on its own in a jiffy."

"I see how it is. Do you really enjoy parading me around like some freak show?"

"Really not being a stand-up guy right now."

"Got no reason to be," he replied before walking off the scene.

"You know nothing, Link of Hyrule."

Needless to say, there was no sexytime that night, and the Hylian ended up jacking off in the shower while Zelda lay in bed listening to Dave Matthews Band and reading George Eliot.

"Link... care to cuddle?" she asked him twenty minutes after he returned rather grumpy.

"Nah," said the Hylian, who pulled out his phone and played Ganon on_ Words with Friends, _to whom he was losing by over a hundred points.

"Link..." Zelda began somewhat apologetically, but he had no answer for her.

* * *

**VIII. Viva la Vida**

**Modern Day**

"LINK!" Zelda yelled.

"WHUH?" the Hylian shook himself back into the game. "Oh, sorry, babe. Just recalled a horrible memory. Hey Dedede, let me have a drag of that..."

"I'm twelve years old and what is this," Ness commented upon seeing clips from _Earthbound_. Thanks to Prof. E. Gadd's experiments having fried his neural connections, none of his memories were returning, and would not be for some time.

"Try twenty," said Sakurai. "You've been around since 1994, two years after Mother CAST accidentally created the first of the digital lifeforms we call 'CAST members'."

He clicked his Wii Remote again and among the multitude of screens, a large and very rarely-seen photograph showed Mr. Sakurai, Mr. Yokoi, Mr. Miyamoto, Mr. Iwata, Mr. Shigesato Itoi, the creator of the Mother (Earthbound) series, and Mr. Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of Pokemon, all standing alongside a large CRT where a rather rudimentary 64-bit version of Mother CAST could be seen posing with them.

Mr. Sakurai introduced Nintendo's top designers as the CAST members' 'Fathers', with Lady Fi as their Mother.

"For a robot, she sure got around," Mega Man said to Melville, idly spinning the late ROB's Gyro.

"Lady Fi here is the result of a Chaotic Function left to its own devices," said Mr. Sakurai. "Mr. Yokoi's attempt at making artificially intelligent programs that could debug games for us grew into something much more powerful practically overnight. Mario was our first discovery. DK was next. Bowser, Peach, and Luigi followed. Mr. Game and Watch, we had you transformed soon afterwards. And then Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf, and so on. For a long while, all of us were good friends and worked harmoniously. But during the development of the last _Super Smash Bros._, the issues caused by your collected memories overloading the servers forced us to suppress your memories, so as to reduce the amount of incoming and outgoing data clogging our systems. It was a very unpopular choice, but it was the only way we could keep you all working for us."

"So we're just... employees?" Link queried. He seemed genuinely disappointed.

"Far from it! You're a beloved icon, Link. One of the biggest stars of the gaming world. For decades now, the games you've helped create have increased the joy and laughter in a world that's increasingly gone to shit."

"Gone to shit? How?" asked Ike.

"You'll soon remember and see for yourselves. With the advent of advanced technology, human existence has become really quite troublesome. Entertainment provides a necessary function, an escape from the horrors and drudgery of living day to day. You all have it quite easy, really, living in those luxurious grounds. Many millions of human children live without clean water, and millions more are recruited as soldiers to fight wars over dwindling resources. Oil is expected to peak within the next half century. Our world is running out of fresh water and losing topsoil at a completely unsustainable rate. Genetically tampered foods grown with chemical fertilizers and toxic pesticides are poisoning us. Climate change is creating irregular and destructive weather patterns. Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are increasing in frequency. Space exploration has been put on the back-burner. Terrorists are beheading people. So-called dictators are ousted in the name of 'progress'. Militarization is out of control. Even the long-lost Ebola virus has resurfaced. Shall I go on?"

"Sure thing," said Little Mac, who took King Dedede's passed bong. "Nothin' I love more than some schadenfreude to help me sleep better at night."

"Try this on for size then. Over 99.99999% of the population of planet Earth lives in fear of death, taxes, disease, nuclear warfare, and economic collapse, while the remaining 0.00001 percent own all the major media outlets, the military-industrial complex, the health industry, and even the corporations that own and regulate food and medical supplies on a global scale. We all know power corrupts. Do you think those few asshats have the population's best interests in mind? Far from it. They're bypassing taxes with money hidden offshore while the planet has become a festering dump. Attorneys, generals, cops, lobbyists, politicians, and even journalists live in their endless pockets. Hundreds of species go extinct every day thanks to human pollution and habitat destruction. Cancer and autism rates are skyrocketing. Fallout from Fukushima's nuclear waste has poisoned the entire Pacific Ocean. But yeah. It's been a pretty shit decade. School shootings. Celebrity nude photo leaks."

"That last one's a bad thing?" Ganondorf asked.

"Well, it's troubling because now there's talk of Internet censorship. Let's see... oh, yeah. Nathan Grayson is still employed by _Kotaku_. There's no progress on localizing _Mother 3_. _True Blood_ and How_ I Met Your Mother _had shitty finales. Harold Ramis is dead. Oh, and Robin Williams committed suicide."

Captain Falcon's heart sank. "He did WHAT?!"

"Yeah, I know, right?"

"Where's that fuckin' blue pill?" Popo asked. "I don't wanna hear any more!"

"It's too late for that," said Mr. Sakurai. "Your memory caches started uploading. We've passed the point of no return."

"Is there any good news at least?" asked Rosalina, who was very distraught and covering her poor Luma's non-existent ears.

"Getting to it. The good news is... you can probably predict it, but you all have been gathered at the Smashgrounds once more to help us create the latest iteration one of the most ambitious fighting action games of all time: _Soooouper SMAAAAAASSSSH Brothers_!"

The various screens hovering around the expanse showcased the many Smashers brawling with one another.

"Holy moly!" Pit, who was a bit slow at regaining his memories, yelled. "So there _is _a reason we've been beating the shit out of each other!"

"Should have seen this coming," said Zelda.

"Yeah, to be honest, given the problems we encountered with _Brawl_, I was fully against having to use you all to help beta-test, but we simply didn't have the human resources to iron out the product for possible game-breaking glitches. That's where you came in."

"Free labor, how swell," Falco pointed out. "I've got a query for ya, pops. Would ya have paid our problems any heed if we'd never launched this rebellion?"

"Fool," Dark Pit said. "Don't you see? Sakurai, Palutena, and I practically _orchestrated_ the rebellions. Bayonetta was our double agent. Ever wonder why she defected halfway through the battle?"

"I owed Sakurai a favor since he helped convince Iwata to fund _Bayonetta 2_," the Umbran Witch explained telepathically while blowing a kiss to Palutena across the void, sparking some rumor-mongering between Captain Falcon and Little Mac. "If you're listening, Mr. Iwata, thanks are in order. You were so lost in my eyes, you never suspected a thing. That's the highest compliment I could ask for."

Dark Pit continued. "Those incestuous Robins were in on the plan, too. We tried to get Snake to switch sides several times. Looks like _something_ finally got to him."

"It's the killing. I was tired of it," Snake piped in.

"Wait. Rebellions, with an 's'. You say it like it's a plural kinda thingy," said Olimar. "There's been more than one uprising?"

"There's been about thirteen since we introduced the memory freezing system," Mr. Sakurai clarified. "Luigi led the first rebellion, but that was shut down halfway to the Moon. DK's solid attempt, where Ness' powers were exploited to keep y'all in check, was the most successful. We planned the whole thing, from start to finish."

"Seems awfully manipulative to me," said Sheik.

"I still don't believe we're fuckin' game characters!" Fox screamed, clutching his head.

"Aww, for chrissakes, just listen to the man," said Pac-Man. "It's true. Wario, the Duck Hunt Dog, the Wii Fit Trainers, and I were all workin' for Professor Gadd, who in turn was working for Mr. Iwata. Sonic, you're a veteran of the CAST system. Back me up."

"Dude, I literally just arrived last night. Wrong guy to ask," Sonic said. "Not to mention, Sakurai, I've got a massive bone to pick with you. Your people have treated my friends like dirt!"

"I apologize immensely for that, Sonic. While Amy's personal choices were out of my control, I never approved of what they did to Knuckles. By the time I found out what Iwata had ordered, it was too late. If we freed Knuckles and dropped those islands, it'd cause a major disaster. By that same token, I couldn't really help your friends stage a violent attack on the grounds, at least not until we were ready. Which is why I arranged for you to arrive so late in development – thanks to your being hooked up to Sega's _CAST Server_, we were able to balance you out remotely with minor tweaks. I'm actually quite thankful that you and your buddies were able to lower the islands back to sea level without causing any tsunamis."

"Huh," said Sonic, his anger all but eradicated by Mr. Sakurai's calm words. "Well... I don't really know what else to say, other than you oughta be fuckin' ashamed of yourself for allowing it to get so bad."

"Yes. Which is why I wanted to offer your friends a private island of their own, just branched off from the main one. Actually, several of the Smash hopefuls will be granted residence at many of the satellite islands. The reason for this is that we're planning ahead for some Downloadable Content for the new _Super Smash Bros_. games. And we've decided who our final roster is going to be. Nana and Popo, sorry about this. There's no easy way to say it. You're not going to be playable in the new game because of hardware limitations. It wasn't my idea to make a 3DS version, but yeah. Maybe next time, fellas. You don't have to move out or anything."

Nana took Popo's hand.

"This could be a sign, baby," she told him. "Just quit the drugs and be my man again."

"Can't I be your man anyway?" he said. "I'll try not to let it get in the way. We can go climbing like the old days."

"Tell you what," Nana replied. "There's a lot of stuff to deal with when we get back. But once that's over... I'd love to."

They hugged. It was very healing for the both of them.

"As for Snake, Roy, Young Link, Pichu, Lucas, Wolf, the Trainer, Snake, Ivysaur, and Squirtle: the song remains the same. No go for now. Sorry."

"Aw, man," said Lucas.

"Such a travesty," Roy sighed. "You will hear from my attorney!"

"All right, now for everyone else. Impa, let's have a drum roll, please."

* * *

**IX. Fake Plastic Miis**

Impa hit a button on her tablet and a dramatic drum roll ushered in a new slide with a bunch of names listed off.

"As you can see, Bowser Junior and the Koopalings, Duck Hunt, Lucina, Robin and Robyn, and Shulk will all join the battle! And Mewtwo will be an addition to the roster, to come in 2015!"

"It's about goddamn time!" Mewtwo transmitted psychically, air-humping like a boss.

"I'm really feelin' it!" Shulk cheered. He was in fact referring to King Dedede's weed, which got him fucked up in no time flat.

"If my blade can fight for justice, so be it. Shall this war never end?" Lucina said somberly.

"Honey, wake up! We're movin' into paradise!" Robyn said while Robin twirled her around like a ballerina.

"So happy!" Bowser Junior and the Koopalings cheered.

"FUCK!" one voice could be heard, as it had shattered the glass divider separating the two rooms. It belonged to none other than Ridley, who lashed around with his tail until Hades, Viridi, and Doctors Eggman, Light, and Stiles were able to calm him down by tasing him into submission.

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Geno and Mallow.

"BRAAAHHH! Have a heart, man!" Wonder-Blue yelled, clawing at the invisible wall. "We were an original IP! AN ORIGINAL IP!"

"Tell me about it," said Captain Rainbow.

The Splatoon kids were back to playing paint-tag.

"Ah, shucks. I guess there's always next time," said King K. Rool, who patted his belly and put an arm around King Hippo. The large boxer slept through the whole affair. "C'mon Hips, let's blow this joint."

"I think we'd be better off sucking it," said King Hippo as he lit up the marijuana cigarette. He joined the Kremling King. They walked over to share it with Isaac, Roy, Banjo-Kazooie, and the _Square-Enix _characters, who were trading equipment and Warhammer figures.

Rayman rode a Chocobo over to Shrek.

"Looks like it's happy trails, partner," the limbless one told the ogre. "I'm thinking of checkin' oot Eorzea, maybe meetin' up with some of those BWB guys, eh. I think Ms. Pac-Man's got enough issues to be into me. Whaddaya say, eh?"

"I say we wait and see what this Sakurai bloke's on about," Shrek told him. "No rush anyway, laddie."

Bomberman, Andy, and Simon Belmont started playing Russian roulette. After Andy blew his head off, Bomberman and Simon dismantled the gun and raided his wallet.

James Bond continued flirting with Marle. Bandanna Dee stabbed him in the gut, prompting another brawl.

Mike Jones shrugged and munched on some beef jerky.

"Oh, behave!" Bayonetta chastised the Smash Hopefuls. "I'd appreciate being able to hear the poor fellow."

"Seriously. Good grief, guys," said Mr. Sakurai. "You all are taking this way too hard. It's not game over, you know. Oh, and Ganondorf, will you consider using this alternate moveset I came up with? You'll have your sword, and the Dead Man's Volley..."

"No can do," Ganondorf replied, arms crossed like a perverted but levelheaded gym teacher. "I've got a style I like and I'm stickin' to it."

"Suit yourself," said Sakurai. "The fans will be disappointed."

Mega Man was confused. He looked up at the ceiling and near Mr. Sakurai's desk, but there wasn't a single fan, paper nor electric, to be found.

Ness raised his hand.

"Yes, Ness?" Sakurai said.

"I'm still waiting for a fucking apology."

"Of course. I'm sorry. To be fair, I didn't approve that whole thing with Gadd and the torture device. That was Mr. Iwata's thing."

"Pushin' the blame on your boss again. Couldn't you have done _something_?" said Ike.

"The code wasn't ready yet. Developing the update takes time. Please have some patience. We've gotten much better at these matters as of late. Who knows? One day we might even get rid of region locking."

"It's coming back to me," said Don Luigi, whose memory was almost fully there. "He speaks a-the truth. Iwata had him by the neck. These up-a-dates take-a time. Didn't it take like a-three years to digitize marijuana?"

"Exactly," said Snake.

"That brings up another point," noted Zelda. "How do you emulate the effects of drugs that mess with brain chemistry?"

"Yeah, and why do we need mind-altering substances, anyway?" Falco asked.

"It's rather simple," Lady Fi said. "The reality I have created for you all is affected by your observations and interpretations of the world of human interactions and media. Mind over matter, so to speak. For beta-testing reasons, I wanted your actions and playstyles to be able to reflect those of our target audience. As a result, your personalities and consciousnesses are sort of based upon caricatures of real-world influences, including online memes. And mind-altering substances are simply a part of human existence as we know it. It would have been incomplete for you all to exist in a vacuum without any such addictive compounds."

"Say _what, _HAL 9000?" Mega Man said. "Could you repeat from 'it's rather simple'?"

Mr. Sakurai massaged his temples. "Look, guys. We expected questions, yes, but we didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."

"NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition!" yelled Shulk as he slapped Toon Link upside the head.

"All right, this is getting old," said Sakurai. "I just have a few more announcements to make and you can all go home once the server resets. First off, there will be no more beta-testing. The game is pretty much ready. Any tweaks to the engine will be handled by the development team post-release."

"Y-you mean you don't need us anymore?" Rosalina asked.

"Indeed, but you're still wanted. Your extended vacation is made possible because of these."

The developer whipped out a small Amiibo of Mario and stuck it onto his tablet. It triggered a promotional video showcasing the tiny figurines.

"To a certain extent, it can be said that the point of merchandising is to turn you all... into _this_. These Amiibos will sell for twelve bucks a pop. Collectors worldwide are going to shit their collective pants over them. We expect the first shipments to sell out during the Christmas season. These are going to make the company's bottom line so fat it may need to go on a low-cholesterol diet."

"Where's mine?" queried Olimar.

"It'll prolly be ready by next year. That ain't my department. Anyhow, the way it works is, these little figurines will contain AI data that evolves as human players train them. Then they'll feed that data back into the game, we'll study that info in future game updates, and allow Amiibos to beta-test any future iterations of _Super Smash Bros_. Sure, it may take a bit longer, but it's worth the trade-off. Before y'all ask, this doesn't mean you're out of jobs. You can come into work any time you'd like, and I will often encourage it, since no Amiibo can match up to you guys. But it does mean that you will no longer be slaves, forced to live and work under slave labor. Oh, and we'll give you a monthly allowance to play with."

"Man, that's awesome!" Link exclaimed. "Thanks, Sakurai! You're pretty fly for a development guy!"

"Yeah, yeah. I also improved your dash attack. You're welcome. Also, you all are gonna have access to every game in Nintendo's library startiiiiiing... now. So go ahead, play the classics you helped create and knock yourselves out on the gorgeous graphics, music, and gameplay."

From on high descended a plethora of 3DSes, Gameboy Advance SPs, Wii Us, Wiis, GameCubes, N64s, GameBoy Colors, SNESes, NESes, and a whole pile of Virtual Boys, followed by several enormous library shelves filled to the brim with games.

"Oh, and you can also Google search stuff relating to Nintendo and to yourselves. Browse the fan art and fanfic. Even post on the forums and lurk our message board Miiverse, all that jazz. Can I get an 'Amen'?" Sakurai asked.

"HEEEEEEEEEEELLLL YEAAAAAHHH!" Little Mac, Captain Falcon, King Dedede, Ganondorf, Toon Link, Palutena, Rosalina and the other big gamers all cried out.

"Enjoy," said Mr. Sakurai, and looked over to see some of the Smash Hopefuls ready to leave through the Exit Portal.

"Bah, who needs those old games?" grumbled Red Mage. "I can just play that shit on an emulator if I wanna!"

"Hang on, guys," said Mr. Sakurai. "I forgot to mention, any unemployed veteran Smashers will be allowed to live at the Smashgrounds. And any Smash Hopefuls who so wish will get to live nearby on the satellite islands on a trial basis. We're allowing this for two reasons. First off, the Hopefuls will be tasked with helping you guys keep the place clean while we're still restructuring the server, first off. Secondly, we're welcoming applicants for future DLC updates."

"I'm in," said Isaac.

"Count me, too," Krystal chimed in, rather surprised at herself. She'd had a tough and eventful day for sure, but it also reminded her how much she missed the excitement of a good Smash battle.

"Me three!" Ridley shouted.

"Sorry Ridley, you're a stage boss," said Mr. Sakurai. "Honestly, you're just too big-"

"FUCK YOU! LET ME IN ANYWAY!" he screamed.

"Whatever, pops! Just line up with the others in an orderly fashion!" yelled Viridi, who was holding aloft a sign-in sheet.

Behind Ridley, Bomberman, Shrek, Rayman, Bayonetta, the Wonderful 101, and several others all began to apply for positions on the satellite islands.

"Oh, and as for Daisy..." continued Sakurai upon seeing the rabid-looking princess of Sarasaland, who was rocking back and forth in a straitjacket. "I almost forgot. Take care of her, won't you, Bayonetta?"

"Love to," said the Umbran Witch. She reached behind the evil princess' neck and pulled off a green mind-controlling microchip. The brunette seemed to snap out of a trance, and Bayonetta helped pull off her straitjacket.

"Huh? Where's Mr. Iwata? I think he mighta put something in my drink..." she said, inaudible to none but Bayonetta and a few of the other Smash Hopefuls. "And my dress is all fucked up... oh God..."

"Okay... now that that's done..." said Mr. Sakurai, "hmmmm. You all will be allowed to head back to the Smashgrounds. Since we're restructuring our development teams, merging the handheld and console guys, the Nintendo guys will no longer regulate the place. I'm a busy guy with a small immediate staff, so keep in mind I can only help you if you call me."

Masahiro pointed to slides of the Smashers' designated laptops, as well as the big red button in the Smashgrounds' Panic Room.

"It is also my understanding that Ms. Fiona has, in fact, been elected the Supreme Overlord of the entire Smash Planet as per the results of an overnight election."

"Bwahahaha! Good one!" laughed Little Mac and Captain Falcon, but the duo soon realized that Mr. Sakurai was dead serious.

"Sorry, it's true. But as I said, I no longer have the time to involve myself in local politics since I have to finalize both versions of the game. Anyway, you all seem to be taking this exceptionally well, but if you do experience some issues over the next week or so, well..."

"They can come to me," said Robin rather proudly. "I do have a therapy license and a certificate in non-violent communication."

"Very well," said Mr. Sakurai. "We'll start you off on a salary. Take your pick of one of the castle's unused offices."

"Sweet!" said Robin.

"Can I be in charge of medicine distribution?" Robyn asked.

"What are your qualifications?" Sakurai demanded.

"Um. I used to sell drugs once, to hobos outside the studio while we were filming _Awakening_. And I've traveled the world and the seven seas. Everybody is lookin' for something."

"Er, I'll take that as... negative experience. But go ahead and take the job, you can work hand-in-hand with Robyn, just don't let anyone's problem get too out of control. Now, if that's all, thanks for coming. Now beat it. Get outta my face. Closing time. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. I need some _me_ minutes. Seriously."

With that, Mr. Sakurai created a mic, dropped it, and then fired his Portal gun into the wall. After walking through it into a VR luxury bedroom with several _moe _girls from various dating sims awaiting him atop the sheets, he sealed up the hole.

* * *

**X. Dazed and Confused**

The divider between the two factions of fighters opened up, and all the Smashers and Smash hopefuls turned into a gabbering bunch as the room around them morphed into a posh ballroom with a balcony that began a rapid, ion-shielded descent through the newly re-created space, heading back towards the previously unnamed planet, which Sakurai's presentation revealed to be named Planet Smash.

Most of the Smashers and Smash Hopefuls were chatting on the balcony, but some others had wandered into the ballroom, in the back of which were a few large restrooms complete with showers, as well as unisex and disabled bathrooms.

The various characters took turns going into the rooms to wash and garb themselves. Zelda and Link were near the front of the line, and the princess leaned on her man's chest, enjoying the feeling of Link's arms wrapped tightly around her waist.

"Gotta say, I really wasn't expecting all that," said Link.

"I know. You're like the only thing that's still real," she said, and then noted that Cranky Kong had just left the disabled shower stall. He appeared to be confused as to why he was there.

"Here, Linkie, I have an idea," continued Zelda, and they snuck through the door and locked it behind them.

Back on the balcony, the other Smashers were all aflutter with conversation, theories, arguments over owed money, declarations of love, barter trades, smoking marijuana or hookah tobacco, snorting cocaine, and betting pools.

"Hey, uh, newcomer?" Ganondorf addressed Fiona. "What did Sakurai say you declared yourself?"

"No comment," said the Female Villager. "Bring it up in court."

"Cheeky bitch," said Little Mac. "Treat us like human beings, why don'tcha?"

"That misogynistic slur is going on the record," Fiona told Nana. "Write it down now."

"Fine," the Ice Climber replied, and whipped out her smartphone.

"_SAY AGAIN?!" _the Female Villager addressed her, a murderous look in her eyes. "_You daaaaaaaaare to use that tone with moi?! _I don't quite think I _heard _you right, you cisgendered, developmentally-challenged, ableist patriarch supporter!"

"Y-y-yes, Supreme Overlord Fiona," said Nana in fear, and kissed her new boss' feet.

Many others glared at this exchange in surprise and alarm.

"Wow, you're really just gonna let her talk to you like that?" Popo told Nana, who simply shrugged.

"I have no choice," said Nana.

"Seriously, new girl! You owe Nana-chan an apology!" Captain Falcon told the Female Villager.

"I don't owe her anything, you slave-owning, culture-appropriating, trigger-inducing meat eater!"

"Who owns slaves?" Peach asked.

"Yeah, who? Er, not me, that's for sure! But even if someone _were _to have slaves, say, what's wrong with eating their meat?" Ganondorf said. "Hypothetically, I mean. Shit, I sure as heck don't intend to let your lifestyle choices interfere with my goddamn protein intake!"

"You have a right to remain silent!" yelled Fiona.

Mr. Game and Watch rang his bell very loudly in disapproval of her.

"I'm a free man. I don't need someone to tell me I have 'rights'," Ganondorf scoffed.

"Break it up," Don Luigi said, walking to Fiona and closing the distance. "We're trying to be civil, Newcomer," he told her. "I'm going to ask you again and ask nicely. What happened at the Smashgrounds? What's your game in all this?"

"Again, I have no comment for a big-nosed mafioso like you," she told Don Luigi. "Fuck off before I make your life a living hell."

Falco slammed his wings down to the ground not too far from Fiona. "Where do you get off threatening the Don?!"

Fiona yelled at the top of her lungs. "ASSAULT! HARRASSMENT! MALICIOUS REMARKS! THESE PEOPLE ARE VIOLATING ME! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!"

"Hang on, Villager! That was just Falco who raised his voice. He doesn't speak for all of us," said Melville. "I'm so sorry, everyone, I'm not sure what's going on-"

"Apologies are all well and good but I simply do not feel safe in this environment," said Fiona. "I shall be contacting the appropriate authorities and placing restraining orders on all of you."

"Don't you apologize to her," Samus told Melville. "You're only further strengthening her position."

* * *

**XI. Don't Stop Me Now**

While the others were attempting to figure out what was going on with Fiona, Link and Zelda were in the disabled shower, cleaning themselves off from the battle.

"I can't believe it's finally over," Zelda told Link as he pushed her up against the tile wall and rubbed soap all over her neck and tits.

"Well, I sure as hell can, honey," he replied, holding her hair hard from behind and biting her ears gently. "Man, to think that we've been together for over a decade... I mean, I always did feel like I knew you really well, but I had no idea..."

"Is it a good thing, or a bad thing?" asked Zelda as she stroked his raging but kind of chafed-up cock past half-mast.

"What is it with women and asking pointless questions?" Link muttered as he kissed Zelda hard on the mouth and fondled her breasts.

_How can you even ask such a thing? _Link thought._ It's incredibly hot that we've been together for so long. It speaks volumes as to the kind of relationship that we have, _Link thought, loud enough so that Zelda's mind could hear even if she wasn't searching his noggin, which she usually was.

_Wow! I find it amazing that you feel that way, baby! _Zelda replied telepathically.

Zelda squealed as Link cupped her buttocks and raised her right leg up. He held it in the crook of his elbow as he got into position right in front of Zelda's slit. His free hand squirted some conditioner on the outside of the princess' pussy.

"Oh honey..." Zelda moaned. "Is it really a good time? There are people outside..."

"Let them wait," said Link.

"But if they hear us..."

"Shhh, babe."

The Hero slid himself into the Goddess Incarnate, and pushed her hard up against the wall. Zelda moaned, breathing hard from the steam of the flowing shower and Link's sizeable member. Luckily she was wet enough that it didn't matter that most of the conditioner he'd put in was dripping all over his balls.

Zelda wrapped her arms behind Link's head and moaned in ecstasy as he accelerated his pumping and eventually bottomed out inside her even as he pushed her hard against the tiles.

"Ahh! Harder!" she cried. "Fuck me like you fucked me in the Water Temple!"

"Which one?" asked Link.

"I don't know!" Zelda moaned. Too many sweet carnal memories were flooding into their minds. The mental stimulation alone was enough to push Zelda into her first climax.

While she was coming all over him, Link thrusted himself to the edge with thoughts of their various sexual exploits. Though monogamous, the couple did much enjoy pushing certain boundaries. They'd often fuck in public, even in places where they might be easily discovered.

But nothing prepared them for what was to happen next.

With Link seconds away from coming inside of his girlfriend, the door to the bathroom was kicked in, and several Super Scope rifles were pointed at the couple beyond the glass shower door.

"FREEZE, CRIMINALS," the voices of several ROBs responded.

"Never!" Link replied, and was spurting his hot cream inside Zelda when the ROBs tore down the shower and restrained both of them, sending semen splattering every which way.

Semi-hard, Link fought the stunned droids with his bare hands, but the clamping arms of the Robotic Orgasm-Blockers held him down. They shoved bath robes over both Hylians, bound their wrists, and marched them out of the showers and into the ballroom, where everyone else was being taken in by various armed ROBs, Gorons, Toads, Yoshis, Waddle Dees, Piantas, Moogles, and even Pokemon and their Trainers.

"What the hell's going on here?" demanded Ike as his hands were cuffed to Captain Falcon's for the first time outside of the bedroom.

"You have all been placed under arrest under suspicion of terrorism," said the ROB.

Fiona, Nana, and the Smashing ROB (Robbie, the one who practically lives in the Smashgrounds' kitchen, had been miraculously rebuilt and rebooted) were all untouched, and standing on soapboxes in front of a Camera Lakitu. The Female Villager dusted off her military jacket once again for the cameras.

"Back in three... two... one..." the Camera Lakitu counted down before pointing to Fiona.

"Welcome back to our State of the Nation address," said Monita, the floating monitor from _Nintendo Land_. She was interviewing the Villager. "We've postponed our_ Monita's Talk Show Special with Pikachu_ to bring you this breaking report. Our recently elected savior, Supreme Overlord Fiona, has been verbally assaulted by Captain Falcon, Little Mac, and the other male Smashers. It would appear that these men operate under an agenda of violence and oppression."

"Is it any surprise that once we see this kind of behavior, it soon becomes apparent that the perps have a history of acting out, substance abuse, and male entitlement?" Overlord Fiona told the crew. "This is just the kind of unacceptable bullshit that the patriarchy continues to hope we'll accept. Imagine how many other women, genderqueer individuals, hermaphrodites, eunuchs, and asexuals have been shut out by this toxic way of thinking? Think back to all the times the cis majority has hurt you and give them a piece of your mind!"

"What _history _of violent behavior?" pointed out Little Mac, who broke free of his shackles and ran over to the camera. He yanked it away from Fiona and towards himself and the other Smashers and Smash Hopefuls, who were all being restrained by the Smash City Military, a rather well-armed (in fact they raided every armory in the city) faction that had presumably been assembled overnight.

"Look at this shit!" Little Mac continued. "You peeps heard the man! We were forced to fight to beta-test some game called _Super Smash Flash _or somethin'!"

"Yeah, seriously! Do you really think that was rough?" Olimar added. "You wanna see bullying, just read some YouTube comments! Think of Rebecca Black, or that poor Star Wars kid!"

Upon seeing the real-time TV ratings plummet from her tablet's screen, Fiona then needed some more fuel to throw onto the fire. Another bright idea lodged itself into her squishy head.

"ROBs!" she exclaimed on camera. "Silence these fools at once! They are violent rebels, guilty of activating and detonating multiple weapons of mass destruction!"

"Say what?" said Travis Touchdown. "Lady, those missiles were meant to _destroy _us..."

"It doesn't matter! You're capable of violent behavior, and many of you have mental illnesses!"

"Where's your proof, Miss Villager?" Samus asked.

"Don't you _dare _call me 'miss!' I prefer the gender neutral 'Mx', and 'Xe' when referred to in the third person. I have a right to be called what I want, dammit. And frankly, what more proof do you need? It's obvious anyone who would seek to oppose me is a misogynist! And one would need to be mentally ill – afflicted with superiority complexes and narcissism, even – to think that women do not deserve equal treatment with men!"

"Er, that's a Red Herring," Bowser pointed out. "You can't just equate disagreeing with your points to misogynism. All you did was change the topic of discussion-"

"Patriarchal scum! Every word that comes out of your mouths is a poison to society!"

"You know what you need? A good cock down your throat, and maybe a pair o' balls, too," Captain Falcon pointed out with a grin. He began thrusting the large bulge in his pants. "C'MON!"

"WHY I NEVER!"

"What are ya doin'?" Little Mac whispered to Falcon. "Yer gonna get us murdered!"

"No, it's brilliant. If the viewers think we're funnier than this self-righteous dictator, it's a win-win," Snake said. "We need to keep on ridiculing her, all of us."

But they didn't get the chance to, as Supreme Overlord Fiona wisely shut off the cameras and had the CAST Members all thrown into cramped Airships so small they barely functioned as paddy wagons. After being arranged by series, the Smashers and Hopefuls were all flown down to the planet's surface.

"This is a-so fucked up..." said Mario. Despite it all, he was leaning his head on Peach's lap. The princess, for her part, was at her limits. Her hair was frizzed, her dress torn into pieces, and her makeup smeared. She thought only of Samus' two pairs of wondrous lips.

"C'mon, guys! We can't a-just let her do this!" Luigi cried, slamming his fully charged-up Green Missile (side-B) into the locked door. The thing was impervious, and the poor Don was promptly shocked with electricity.

"I think we're already too late..." said Rosalina, looking glumly out of the small side window. Bowser, Bowser Junior, and Yoshi all moved in for a closer look: they were now hovering in a procession through Smash City, where the denizens looked quite downtrodden, like they'd wandered in off the set of _Blade Runner_. Most ridiculously poor. Streets were policed by ROBs, SWAT Bots, and various evil androids from the Mega Man series.

"Yoshi!" (How long were we gone?) Yoshi asked.

"Either that woman is a political powerhouse with a forked tongue and friends in high places, the Feminist Agenda is real, or that server reset took longer than we thought..." said Bowser.

* * *

On an airship she hijacked from Bowser's fleet and repainted with her colors, Supreme Overlord Fiona filed her nails as she listened to the pleas of a very iconic yellow fella.

"Pika pikaaa!" (Do what you want with the others, but leave my girls and I... and Meowth... outta it! We're Inter-Dimensional celebrities! We don't deserve this sort of treatment!) Pikachu cried out.

After hearing Meowth's translation, Fiona frowned at the electric mouse. "What's this _really _about? That talk show appearance of yours?"

"Piiika!" (You know it, sister!)

"I don't know how the hell it could mean so much to you. But I'll consider it if you can help me with a little something-something."

"Chuu. Peeeekaaa. Pikaaaachuuu!" (Let me guess, you're looking for a shining endorsement? For me to support your reign of terror?)

"Is it so much to ask?"

Pikachu laughed, and gave his stomach a good Belly Drum. He held out his hand for Fiona to shake.

"That's a good Pikachu," she replied, and stroked his fur. "You'll be on within the day. But first... it's time for our grand re-entrance."

* * *

The Airships and paddy wagons arrived at the Smashgrounds and unloaded their cargo. Midna and Ghirahim were there to separate the Smashers from the Smash Hopefuls.

"Why are you guys here?" asked Captain Falcon.

"Long story short, it's a good gig," Ghirahim replied with a smile. "Decent pay. Complete benefits. Two days off a week. And we get to live in the extra castle."

He pointed off to the satellite castle: smaller than the Smashgrounds' main one, but large and luxurious all the same.

"Whaaat?" Ness yelled. "That's better than we ever got!"

"Hush, child. Come along now," said Ghirahim, leading the men to the males' dormitory. "Single file, all in step."

"This is ludicrous," Donkey Kong said. "They're stomping all over our natural freedoms and pissing on 'em without even the decency to call it rain."

The Koopa King laughed. "Man, as glad as I am to have ya back, buddy, it's weird hearin' ya speak. Glad you are, though. It'll make conversations much faster when I don't have to interpret your handwriting."

"It's good to see ya too, brah."

As they were led past the courtyard, they passed a humongous banner that read:

_Be the chains you want to see in the world - Miasma Grande_

"This is fucked up, guys. Completely fucked up," groaned Lucario telepathically. "We can't stand for this. Dedede, you still got your weed on ya?"

"You know it," said King Dedede rather discreetly. "Ah got a feelin' we have another long day ahead o' us."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! It really makes me happy, having my ramblings read. I would be super appreciative of any Reviews, Follows, or Faves! That would be most Excellent! When you next hear from me, _Super Smash Bros._ is most likely going to be out for the Wii U and as someone with two younger brothers and a sister who are into Smash, boy, is that goin' to take over my few remaining hours of free time for a while.

As for the future of this fic, well... as I mentioned, I _am _taking a break from working on it so as to heal up my wrists and write my next novel (a romantic comedy). But that will probably mean either (A) less updates (once a month?) or (B) a long break before I embark on the Second Act, which, as you might be able to tell, is gonna be drastically different from this last one. It will not take place over one day and instead over the course of a longer period of time. My intention is to focus more on individual character stories and vignettes as opposed to a central "plot".

If you wanna settle it in Smash, add me up and send me a PM! :)


	29. Season II: I Remember You

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Merry Christmas and Snappy Snarlidays. I've really been feelin' it! Sorry if I sounded depressing in the last chapter. Just gotta learn to deal with my arthritis (I am pretty sure it is just run-of-the-mill arthritis, and I can live with it).

By the way...** This is part one of a two-part update. **I know I said I wouldn't be splitting chapters up, but this update was 27,000 words so I kind of had to. I'm really happy with how these two chapters turned out, all things considered. I decided to take a break from the action, and this update has more of a focus on adult scenes.

Oh and I wanted to thank all my subscribers for inspiring me!

The year's ending with a bang. Smash Wii U rules. The Hobbit: BotFA was awesomely epic (they left too much good stuff for the Extended Edition though!), The Legend of Korra finale delivered almost everything I hoped for, and my girlfriend from across the country is coming to visit for a week come New Year's. So needless to say I am pretty stoked.

Smash-wise, the Wii U version is really impressing me. I am loving Palutena ever since they lowered the lag on her tilts, but Link, Mega Man, and Peach are my mains, though I sneak in some Zero Suit Samus and Lucina, too. As you can tell, I'm very happy with it... but at the same time, I don't think I'm going to play as seriously as I used to. I simply don't have enough free time as it is, and what little I have ought to go to trying to further my goal to be a career writer, which includes work such as this fanfic to improve my skills. So yeah. Those of you fortunate enough to be in the company of relatives this season, treasure them. Party on dudes, and be excellent to each other.

**sippurp123:** Thank you so much for your comments on the Samus/Peach scene and the love scenes in general! That was actually the first scene I ever wrote for the fic, and in a way it inspired me to write this whole thing. I am going to probably showcase more relationship/lemony scenes in the story, methinks.

**George Fakepants: **lol thanks

**N8han11:** Thanks for your comments and sharing the fic on TV Tropes! Really appreciate it!

**EDIT:** Fixed an issue with Wario and Meta-Knight.

* * *

**The Smashing Bumpkins**

**Second Playlist**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

**I Remember You**

* * *

**I. Reflection**

As the Female Smashers were being escorted down the garden pathway, Princess Peach's stomach twisted itself up into knots. Her heart made like she was running a marathon and pounded out a salsa beat.

_Samus and I... we... we were having the most passionate sex... but that was three months ago. Does she still feel the same way?_

"You're deep in thought," Zelda told her bestie, appearing seemingly out of nowhere. "And yet, I can't broach your mental barriers. In fact, I... huh. I never really noticed before, but there are times when I simply can't read your thoughts. It's happened over the past few months."

"That's... fascinating," Peach replied.

"It sure is," continued Zelda, her ears perking up a bit. "Almost suspiciously so."

"What do you mean by that?" the princess probed.

But Zelda simply bit her lip. "N-never mind."

_Tell me, Zellie, _Peach thought aloud, hopefully loud enough for the mind-reader to 'hear'. However, the Hylian princess had already drifted away, lost in thought.

"Zelda..." she began.

"I'm sorry," Zelda said. "Peach, I've been a fool. I have no right to treat your memories like they're my property."

"How will I ever find it in me to forgive you?" Peach said melodramatically, before winking and hugging her bestie. "Don't worry about it, Zellie. Nothing's gonna stop us now."

Zelda blushed as Peach rubbed her cheek up against hers. Sensing her awkwardness, Peach pulled away and pouted.

"Thanks for understanding. Every princess has her secrets."

"Even from their best friends?" Zelda asked.

"Especially from their best friends," explained Peach, thumbs twiddling.

* * *

**May ****6,**** 1999**

Zelda was rather excited to pay her BFF a surprise visit. She was carrying a bag with wine, cheese, and crackers, and the latest issues of Cosmo, Salon, and National Geographic. Her gossip-o-meter was packed with the latest rumors and she had all manner of stuff to complain about regarding her darling Link.

Three light knocks on Peach's door were given. Normally it would have been enough to garner a response, but all Zelda's delicate pointy ears heard was a sort of cacophany of thumping and moaning noises. There was a violent crash, as if something had fallen over.

_Is she okay?_

The Hylian, concerned, turned the knob with her mind and opened the door soundlessly. She entered the hallway to the sounds of several pornographic films playing at once. Zelda curiously walked down the hallway towards the living room, only to see a sight she immediately wished she hadn't.

Atop the largest couch, Peach was sandwiched in between Captain Falcon and Marth, who were both nibbling on her neck. All were covered in baby oil.

Several ADULT films were playing from cascading television sets, the sound of which masked Zelda's appearance.

The Captain pounded Peach's behind, one leg on the floor and the other up on the couch. Peach's arms having given way, she rested atop Marth's chest, legs spread wide as the prince thrusted in and out of her dripping wet pussy.

"Ahhhh! I love how you fill me up inside!" Peach cried.

The blonde princess moaned and bucked back and forth; her gyrating matching the rhythm of the two men perfectly.

Zelda dropped her bag in shock; her wine bottles shattered.

"OH MY GOD," Zelda said, and then realized everyone was looking at her and bolted like a bunny.

"Z-Zelda?" managed Peach. The men didn't even stop.

"I'm... I'm so sorry!" cried Zelda, who slammed the door behind her.

* * *

**May 9****,**** 1999 (Three days later)**

Peach knocked on Zelda's door. It was Link who answered.

"Hey," said Link.

"H-hey," Peach replied with a nervous smile. "How are things?"

"It's okay," he told her. "I think she's ready to talk."

"Thank you."

"You must have given her quite the scare," he said with a laugh.

Peach flushed crimson, unable to reply, and spun away.

"Didn't mean to put you on the spot, princess," Link apologized. He adjusted the flower in Peach's hair, which had gotten lopsided when she hid her face so suddenly. "C'mon."

They both walked up to Zelda's bedroom. Link gently rapped on the door.

"Someone's here to see you," he announced, perhaps a bit too brightly.

"I can't see anyone right now," Zelda replied.

"It's me," Peach insisted. "Please, Zellie. I need to-"

The door immediately opened a few inches. Zelda's face stuck out from behind it.

"Come in," she told Peach, and then looked to Link, a glance that told him she was going to be all right.

While Peach slipped through the doorway, Link tipped his hat and walked off to the living room to watch some _Futurama _with Impa.

Like herself, Zelda's bedroom was regal and perhaps a bit antiquated, with Hylian tapestries and carpets, Goron-carved marble bookshelves and furniture, and enough hardbound tomes to qualify it as a public library.

"I have to admit," Zelda began. "I was a bit shocked when I came by to see you the other day."

"Shocked is an understatement," said Peach, who noticed that her friend was avoiding eye contact. "You were positively catatonic. We had to carry you back to your room in a wheelbarrow."

Zelda continued to look away, her eyes scanning the view from her balcony.

"Bother me not with details. The point is, I... discovered a side of you that I didn't know about. And it made me question everything. I thought we were friends, Peach. I thought we could talk about _anything _with one another."

"There's no reason we _can't_," Peach replied.

"Except you've obviously been keeping all this from me."

"Is there any wonder why? You've been locked up in this room for days now."

Zelda shrugged. "I just thought I understood you is all."

Peach took her friend's hands in hers. Zelda couldn't help but meet the other princess' eyes.

"You _do_ understand me," she insisted. "I'm sorry for hiding this side of myself from you. I shouldn't have let my fear get the best of me."

"Don't be sorry," Zelda said. "I'm the one who needs to work on my... acceptance... of others."

Peach smiled and entwined her fingers around Zelda's. The Hylian princess, a little uncomfortable, pulled her hands away and into her lap.

"I mean, I... I kinda don't think that I'm ready to understand just yet," Zelda said. "But I'll do my best."

"That's all I can ask for," Peach replied, and then hugged her bestie. "You're a good friend, Zellie."

Zelda treasured the hug, but couldn't help feeling a little uncomfortable at how long Peach was holding it... not to mention how she herself was enjoying it more than expected...

* * *

**January ****17,**** 2014**

Peach and Zelda strolled through the gardens rather purposefully.

"I do believe I heard a bit of a ruckus coming from Bowser's room last night," Zelda informed her friend. "Did you have something to do with that?"

"I... might have," Peach replied sheepishly. "Daisy was there, too. We popped some Molly. It was fun."

Zelda kept a straight face. "I don't doubt that."

"You seem a bit upset..."

"Not really. Just a little disappointed, I guess. I thought you and Mario were getting back together."

Peach frowned at the word _disappointed_. She could see down the tracks to where this train of thought was headed, and she didn't like it. "We _are_. But we're still seeing other people."

"And having drugged-out parties every single night."

"Starting to smell a bit like jealousy, wouldn't you say?"

"Maybe you can help me understand. What's the point of a relationship if you're just going to sleep around like a common whore?"

"WAT."

"Huh?"

"Did you seriously just call me a 'whore'?! Gosh, Zelda, what _is _it with you? You're like a puritanical grandma! You're a Quaker!"

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to judge," replied the Hylian princess. "I just... that kind of behavior is okay for _some _people. Not Link and I."

"Ugh. You're so blinded by your own self-righteousness, your own self-censorship, you can't even see that you _are _judging. There's no need for name-calling here."

"Shouldn't we agree to call a spade a spade?"

Peach's fists couldn't be clenched any tighter. She plopped down atop a rock and held her head in her hands.

"You don't... get it... do you? You've only ever been in love with one person. You've been ordering the same dish for so long, you can't imagine what it's like to try the buffet."

"Hardly! Doesn't it cheapen the love you have with that special person when you're out there having sex with other people? Doesn't it reduce the intimacy that you share to nothing?" Zelda asked. "I'm genuinely curious here."

"And I'm being genuine, too. I would argue that my sex life with Mario has only gotten stronger since we've started swinging. The heart isn't a box that you can fill up. It expands the more you love."

(**A/N:** That line was from Spike Jonze's fantastic film 'Her', starring Joaquin Phoenix.)

"I thought love meant making sacrifices. Staying faithful."

"Maybe if you want to raise a family. Maybe if you're thinking of marriage."

"And why wouldn't we be?"

Peach put a finger to her lips sarcastically. "Um, let's see. Oh, right! Maybe because we're _living in a computer_...?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"Marriage is a dead institution. Without the ability to create children, it's empty."

"We can still strive for higher spiritual and social progress with our soul mates."

"Soul mates aren't a _thing. _They're a myth."

"I don't think I'll ever understand your lifestyle," Zelda told her.

"Nor yours," Peach replied. "If only you weren't so possessive of Link, maybe..."

"So that's what this is!" Princess Zelda exclaimed at last. "You want my Linkie for yourself!"

"No! You've got it all wrong!" yelled Peach. "All I meant is that it's not good for anyone to be too attached! You guys are going to suffocate yourselves at this rate!"

"We are perfectly happy being exclusive, thank you! I saw you making eyes at him the other day! And the way you brighten up when I say his name... best watch yourself, sister."

Peach was left speechless. It's true, she'd been making the flirty eyes with her bestie's boo. But it was all harmless fun... or so she thought.

_Why is she so defensive? Could it be that Link has shown some interest in me?_

"Zellie... I don't have the foggiest idea of you're talking about."

"Oh, I think you _do_. Talk to the hand," Zelda said, and shoved her palm in Peach's face.

From her tone, it became clear to Princess Toadstool that Zelda had read her mind. As Peach recoiled, her friend huffed her cheeks and walked away.

"We're not done here! Where do you think you're going?" Peach called after her, but got no response but a gloved middle finger.

Princess Toadstool, now left alone in the garden, took a seat upon a bench, her nerves completely shot by the violent exchange of words. She pulled out her pocket handkerchief and began to cry.

Two days later, Zelda formally apologized for her outburst, but the damage was done.

Caught in that all-too-familiar twenty-something angst, Peach and Zelda's friendship wasn't what it used to be.

* * *

**April 2, ****2014**

**Night of the first Voluntary Memory Suppression  
(The same flashback scene as Chapter 25's Act VII)**

Peach cradled Mario's snoring head as the passed-out drunkard's drool dripped onto her dress.

With a snap of her fingers, several Toads had rushed onto the scene to clean her dress and absorb Mario's saliva.

"So... shall we all head to the memory-erasing facility?" Impa asked. "Mother CAST awaits."

"It feels so wrong, giving up our memories like this," said Samus, who was cuddling with Snake after their heart-wrenching reunion just minutes ago.

After a long night of sharing memories and swapping confessions by the campfire just outside of Mother CAST's birthing chamber, it was finally time for the Smashers to suppress their long-term memories.

They stood and marched in slow procession. A bunch of others had to carry King Dedede, who was immobile from all the mescaline in his system.

Peach snuck away from Mario and Bowser and sidled up by Impa.

"Hey... Miss Impa... I have a request," the princess asked, pushing her index fingers against one another, in a manner similar to Yui Hirasawa from _K-On!._

"Hmmm?"

"I heard you mention something earlier about Zelda being gifted with mind-reading powers."

"Ah, yes. The idea is that she'll be able to see into everyone's thoughts, only our people will be shielded against it. Because she's looked up to around here, it should help keep things in order."

"Do you think there's any way that, um, maybe I could get shielded, too?"

Impa scratched her chin. "I don't see why not. What's inspiring this, though? Might I inquire?"

"It's... well... I don't want to lose my best friend."

"Ah."

"We've been at each other's throats lately. It's become a real mess. I would rather she not see into my thoughts."

Impa crossed her arms. "Are you ready to live a complete lie?"

Peach nodded bravely, like a Studio Ghibli heroine. "If it will save my friendship with Zelda, then yes. I need her."

"You know how it goes. The deeper the lie, the more painful the truth, once it's inevitably revealed," said Impa.

"I just... I want things to be the way they were."

"You mean before you knew each other too well," Impa said with a grin.

"Touche. But this would really mean a lot to me..."

"Say no more. I'll see it done. Just don't go running to me once she figures it out."

"She won't. And thank you."

* * *

**Present Day (late September 2014)  
**

The tension rose to a fever pitch as Peach remained silent.

"I... I don't know what to say..." Peach replied.

"There's gotta be more to it than that."

"That's... odd," said Peach. "Maybe I've developed some sort of immunity?"

But Zelda's sad face told her that she knew it was a lie.

_Awww, shucks, _thought Princess Peach._ Don't press me now, Zellie... of all times._

"So this is our base of operations?" Lucina asked them, interrupting the moment between the princesses.

"Uh... yeah," Zelda replied. "Something like that."

"It's a feast for the eyes, but I must say, an island stronghold without a navy is simply asking for invasion," said Lucina.

Upon hearing this, Palutena snuck in from behind and nuzzled her nose against Lucina's neck. "What type of invasion were you picturing, my dear? A sneak attack?"

Palutena licked Lucina's ear, which prompted a wave of shuddering.

"M-M-My Lady Midori-chan!" Lucina exclaimed. "Don't you think you're being horribly inappropriate?!"

"Depends on who you ask," Palutena pouted, and then turned to the princesses as she assembled a crown made out of flowers she was plucking from the hedge they were walking past. "Speaking of which, I don't suppose you two women share Supreme Overlord Fiona's vision of total domination."

Zelda bit her lip. "In a word... no. In two words... fuck no. In three words... uh..."

"Let's kidnap her," Palutena sang with a festive smile, sticking her crown of flowers on Peach's head. "We'll raid the armory. Pack some picnic baskets, bust in through her door, and carve her skin off with rusty potato peelers until she yields and becomes a voluntary hostage."

"Why the picnic baskets?" asked Rosalina, who was hugging a Luma.

"No duh. So we can have a girl's day out while she bleeds out in slow agony. She'll be too weak to attempt escape," Palutena replied, as if it were self-evident.

"Does it really need to be a violent solution?" Rosalina queried.

"I'm a feminist myself," said Peach, "and whatever this Fiona says she is, she's no feminist. She's an opportunist, using gender politics to further her power-grabbing agenda. It's women like her that give us a bad name."

"Then we're agreed, something must be done," Samus said, stepping into the conversation.

"Guys... I don't know about this..." Rosalina responded, eyeing their heavily armed robotic escorts, who knew not mercy nor remorse. "I don't think we're in any position to fight."

* * *

**II. The Boys Are Back In Town**

The male Smashers walked in a straight line down Castle Smash's halls, which were now lined with security cameras in addition to the Camera Lakitus and SWAT Bots tracking their every move. Though not led in shackles, they might as well have been.

"This whole charade is bullshit," Falco whined. "Where does she get off treating us like prisoners?"

"Well, according to Nana," Popo informed them. "First off, she and the Female Villager made some calls and got several thousand signatures for a petition to create a Central Smash Government and defend it with a completely taxpayer-funded military force."

"A Central Government? Why?" asked Solid Snake.

Popo raised his volume so the other men could hear. "Ostensibly, to prevent rape and the exploitation of women."

"Ah," said Link. "So she's one of those... femanazis I hear so much about?"

Ganon cleared his throat. "I believe the politically correct term is 'femanon'."

"Preeeetty sure you mean fem_inist,_" corrected Ike.

"Hey, is it really necessary to come up with so many terms? They're nothing but tits on a walking dick-sack!" Little Mac said, rather loudly. "Since when did we let womenfolk make decisions on what to call stuff?"

Just then, one of the SWAT Bots escorting them walked up to the boxer and smacked Little Mac in the face with the butt of his rifle.

"No hateful or degrading language towards women will be tolerated."

"Sheesh! All he was doin' was runnin' his mouth a bit!" Captain Falcon yelled after inspecting his buddy's face. "What happened to free speech?"

"More like hate speech," the robot replied.

"You owe Mac an apology," the Captain insisted.

"No one is going to owe anyone anything," said the Male Wii Fit Trainer, who appeared on the scene like a ninja and proceeded to stab Little Mac with a cattle prod. "Except you owin' our Divine Matriarch your fucking life, you chauvinist pig! I am your Community Planner! Grovel!"

"YEOOOOWCH!" Mac yelled as the Fit Trainer branded him with a "No Penises" sign on his forearm.

"Bastard!" Luigi yelled, and trapped the Fit Trainer in his whirling tornado.

The Fit dude wiggled his way out of the trapping combo and landed back on his own two feet a little ways away. He ran in with his cattle prod but Don Luigi twisted the metal around with his bare hands and shoved it into the Trainer's face, burning his gray flesh off.

"YAHHHHH!" the Trainer yelled.

"How does it feel?" Don Luigi screamed, his palms burned down to the flesh.

Luigi then tossed the brand aside and began pummeling the Fit Trainer.

ROBs and SWAT Bots rushed in to restrain Little Mac and the Don. Some of the Smashers stepped in to hold them off, but were soon all trapped in place, lashed together by electric lassos.

"When did you become such a shill?" Lucario asked the Fit Trainer.

"Shill? No. Honestly, being called that hurts my feelings."

"No need to be such a bitch about it," said Link before Toon Link shushed him up with an elbow nudge.

The Male Fit Trainer shrugged his shoulders. "Self-preservation is my concern. Like any good bodybuilder, I manage to adapt to the situations at hand. Don Luigi, I really do respect you, but you'd best learn to honor your new overlord. She's got a growing fortune."

"Being a dictator with absolute power will do that to people," said Ganondorf. "Er... why are you looking at me...? I read it in a book somewhere."

"If you all _must_ know," the Male Fit Trainer continued while downing a protein shake. "The Supreme Overlord amassed a fortune in book sales. These went straight to her campaign funds."

"How?" asked Ness.

"You'll find out soon enough," said the Male Trainer. "Zip it and keep this line moving."

DK, rather annoyed at the tiny little man with a big mouth, snapped his neck in one quick motion.

The emergency alarms blared.

"Attention. Attention," a robotic voice intoned. "Officer down. Repeat, we have an officer down. We're by the Male Smashers."

"GG, Dumbass Kong," said Diddy. "You reek of failure."

"Oh, piss off. He was askin' for it," DK replied, teabagging the dead Fit Trainer's body.

"Check out the Orwellian spy drones," said Link as more camera drones flew into the hallway.

Shulk flicked one of them off, and then fell into step beside Link. "A shame that Travis fellow didn't make it in. You know, it kinda feels like we're forgettin' someone else."

"Prolly Son Goku," Mega Man answered, head downcast. "I haven't seen him since the explosion."

"Did he died?" Olimar queried.

"No more stone age memes... please..." Captain Falcon groaned.

Little Mac ignored his friend's words and quietly brooded beside him. The Falcon couldn't help but notice; however, he didn't have the words to comfort his buddy. Perhaps he, like Fox, Ness, Pit, and a few of the others, was still in shocked silence at all the new (or rather, old) stuff they'd learned.

* * *

**Earlier that day****...**

**Elsewhere, in a far away land...**

On his back, Son Goku opened his eyes at last. He then grabbed onto his cock and sighed with relief.

_I finally got my body back. Damn, that feels great. Ah... better wait until I can buy a box of tissue._

He sat up and took in the scene. Before him was a vast field. An idyllic countryside with a breeze sweeping through the tall grass.

He stood as a chill came rolling in from the trade winds behind him. Goku flexed his muscles and took a deep, satisfying breath.

He then noticed that a smiling piece of goo was in the process of mounting his leg.

"The hell! Whaddaya want, little guy?" he asked.

But the Slime Monster merely began its hump-fest, straddling Goku's calf and rubbing its body against it in a fashion that must have been erotic to the creature.

"Er... I think you're barkin' up the wrong leg, Slimer."

Before the cartoon-eyed Slime could finish itself off, however, a sudden flash of light cut through the blue expanse far above a medieval city. A sonic boom shook the atmosphere as the streaking object plummeted at mach speeds. It disappeared only to reappear in another direction, only to shift course one more time to directly above the city.

The Super Saiyan braced himself with an Energy Shield as the meteorite made impact. The boom incinerated the Slime and flattened nearby woods.

"Was that... a teleporting... course-correcting meteor?" Goku wondered aloud.

Goku finally lowered his Shield and flew over the paved path towards the city. Along the way, dozens of dead enemies of odd shapes and sizes – some fuzzy thing in a boot, something that looked like a Cheshire Cat, and a couple of asshats with spears – littered the scorched fields.

"Lovely," Goku remarked as he spotted a pig that had been exposed rather perfectly to the explosion. It had been rolling along its back, and thus the belly was cooked exceptionally well. Goku smacked his lips and took a huge bite out of the pork belly. He then devoured the cooked pig in once sitting, a feat that took him a good four minutes.

Afterwards, he looked around for a compost toilet but didn't find one. Instead, he shat over the radioactive moat around the castle. Since huge chunks of stone from the ramparts and two fallen towers had crushed most of the moat and gardens, no one would notice a little doodie. With his pants down, he flew into town for some soap and TP. To save time, he wiped his ass with the silken Sneasel-skin handkerchief of a maiden who died in the midst of giving a blowjob to the lecherous old blacksmith.

"This place is dead. Literally," Goku said.

"It's got a population of two. I'd hardly call that dead."

Goku spun on his heels only to see who else but Proto Man leaning in the vestibule, smoking a corn pipe. His cool shades hid any expression, and his yellow scarf caught lightly on the breeze.

"Hey! You're that guy Gex and Eggman were talkin' about. Rockman's brother?"

"Yeah, but don't ever tell him that," Proto Man replied. "Seriously, he won't be able to process it. Name's Proto Man. By the way, you're late to the crime scene."

Goku looked the guy up and down. He was definitely trying a bit too hard to be mysterious. "And you're not? Where are we, and what the hell happened here, anyway?"

"We're in the _Dragon Quest IX _world, DQ planet. _Square-Enix_ server. As for what happened... some dumb bitch calling herself the Supreme Overlord of Planet Smash decided we were housing Weapons of Mass Erections. I mean, all it was was Aquila's 3D porn stash. He forgot to encrypt it is all. Anyway, without our consent or nothin' they straight up invaded our asses and immediately started building a satellite-based comet cannon."

"C'mon, guy," Goku said drolly. "You and I both know comets are the size o' cities. There ain't no way nohow you can harness one, let alone fire it outta a cannon."

"It's got something to do with quantum entangling a wormhole and getting it to swing the high-speed chunk of rock and ice through a series of large portals."

"Uh, okay. And why should I give a shit?"

"Because we're at war, son. Or are you just gonna sit there as innocent people are being fucked up by the tens of thousands?"

"Your CAST server will just resurrect y'all. It ain't real death," Goku argued.

"On the contrary..." Proto Man continued. "Fiona wants to _destroy_ the CAST _Servers_. That way, she can wipe the mainframe completely and install a new custom firmware. Her goal is to reboot and enslave the entire CAST Network!"

"Awwww, yeah! That's the motivation I needed!" Goku exclaimed out of nowhere. "If that's the case, then there's no one else I'd be better off fucking over!"

At this, Goku grabbed his dick through his pants and closed his eyes.

"GOKU!" Proto Man yelled. "DUDE! Please... I... I really don't need to see that shit."

"Ah, right-o. Right-o. Just hypin' myself up a bit."

"So... uh, you gonna follow me?" Proto Man asked him.

"Sure," replied Goku, and the two explored the ruins side by side.

* * *

"There's someone else who's missing too," pointed out Wario. "That a-scumbag who stole a-my fortune!"

"Professor Elvin Gadd!" Ness yelled. "I, too, seek to spill that demon's blood on behalf of all his war crimes!"

"Say no more, sweet child," said Donkey Kong. "His days of exploiting us are numbered. Ganon, didn't you outfit everyone with an RFID tracking chip?"

"Er..." Ganon began. "Just us here at the Smashgrounds. Gadd was never on my list. But I might have some DNA samples on my pauldrons from when his head exploded."

"Dude!" Bowser exclaimed. "Analyze that shit. Then send Chibi-Robo to track him down!"

"Precisely what I was thinking," agreed Ganon.

Just then, the other male Smashers turned to see Pikachu and Meowth striding into a flying limousine. Pikachu's shades were down over his eyes. He cocked a smile to Ganondorf, Captain Falcon, and the other guys.

"Yo Pikachu! Where ya goin'?" Captain Falcon called out, but he could not be heard over the limo's engines as it rose from the island.

"He's got his TV appearance with Monita," said Ike, who had just joined them. "Looks like special treatment."

"Oh, I wouldn't be surprised, darling," Ghirahim informed them. "Now, you didn't hear this from me, but that yellow one had a private audience with HRM Fiona."

"Once a rat, always a rat!" screamed Wario.

"Hey, have a little respect for the guy. He may be a dick, but he brings home the bacon," Mewtwo pointed out. "Despite or perhaps as a result of strict adherence to formula, people still love the ever-humping shit outta Pokemon."

"Way to rub it in," Captain Falcon replied. One of the least pleasant things about getting his memories back was that the _F-Zero_ champion racer hadn't had a new game in two console generations.

The Smashers finally made their way through the large courtyard and hallway towards the dining room.

As the double doors opened, who else but Supreme Overlord Fiona stood at the head of the table, greeting them.

"Good morning, dear Smashers. Let us brunch in the name of the Goddesses."

* * *

**III. I Won't Back Down**

Fiona stood upon a soapbox and tapped her wine glass with a spoon.

"Men, women, gender-neutral beings, et cetera… it is my greatest pleasure to welcome you all back to our grand city," the World Leader said, addressing everyone.

"How in the hell did a-you manage to fuck-a things up so badly in such a short time?" Mario asked her.

"Listen, I did what any sane, rational being would have. Every minute a woman out there gets raped, insulted, or denied a better paying job. What little policing the so-called Don here was doing was clearly insufficient."

"That doesn't give you the right to come in here and completely change our form of government!" yelled Luigi.

Fiona shook her head. "The system itself was toxic to the core. I had to burn it down and make an example of anyone clinging to archaic social norms."

"Wait… what the HIZZELLLL is goin' on wid that atrocious statue?!"

King Dedede's rant came seemingly out of nowhere, but the Smashers soon saw with their own eyes what his enlarged cartoonish ones could not have missed: that there was a statue of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named standing in the middle of the roundtable, presiding over the lazy Susan that housed the residents' platters.

"Is that.. Literally Who?" Olimar asked Ganon, who would have been the first to know.

"There goes my appetite," said Lucario.

Mega Man scratched the back of his helmet. "Oh. Bomberman was talkin' bout that dame. Is she that Quinnspir-"

"Dare not speak its name," Bowser said, silencing the Blue Bomber. "Lest you give this phantom strength. Tis nothing but a distraction from the topic at hand."

"Excellent technique," observed Sonic, who liked to collect this kind of art and trade it across realms. "I'd recognize Adeleine's work anywhere. I'll give ya top Gil."

The blue hedgehog whipped out his Tommy Hilfiger wallet and flipped it open. This revealed that it wasn't a wallet at all, but rather a case for his LG G3 cellular phone.

Sonic posed for a Camera Lakitu as he withdrew the smartphone from its case and held it up to the light.

"With my new LG G3 model, I can send cash fast with NFC technology, no problem! LG: Life's Good!" Sonic said as jollily as he could muster.

While Sonic mugged for the cameras and used his Square app and marketing bonus to pay for the statue, the others looked upon the larger-than-life bronze with disgust.

"Very well. The proceeds will go straight to my administration," Fiona informed Sonic.

"Wait, really?" Sonic realized, and then put away his phone. "Uh, never mind, then."

"Just destroy it, man!" yelled Dark Pit, who slammed his fists down on the table. "We can't have that shit ruining the ambiance!"

"There isn't much we can do without our weapons," said Shulk, sadly.

"One thing's for sure. That ho ain't no martyr," said Little Mac.

"Shyeah," said Fiona. "And I suppose you're going to say this whole thing is about ethics in games journalism."

"She's not the issue! The issue is that the entire system stands upon a house of cards! You seized power for power's sake, but go on pretending to stand up for a cause that no one can argue against without being publicly shamed. Just like the gaming industry, you've got a conflict of interest!" proclaimed Link.

"No one can argue against feminism because feminism is _the future_! We are tired of being put down by a system that has a glass ceiling for women, let alone women of color! Have a heart and realize that people _need _to encourage women to take up careers!"

"What's important is the freedom of choice," said Palutena. "And I agree with you there. But limiting men and centralizing power will only breed more violence. Power corrupts. The more power in one place, the more suffering."

"I'm not hearing a solution," Fiona challenged her.

Palutena fluffed her hair. "My advice, from one feminist to another, is simple. Disband this joke of a government. Let the people of this planet govern themselves as they always have."

Fiona hit a big red buzzer. A random guy shouted "That's bullshit!" from a speaker on the device.

"There can be no equality in a self-governing society! The men will always rise to the top! Naturally, men are taller and more physically fit than most women. We'll continue to live under your oppression. You can't call yourself a feminist and an anarchist at the same time!"

Zelda shook her head. "True Scotsman fallacy. Feminism, like any belief system, has branching schools of thought. You can't claim to speak for every woman with your radical, fascist dictatorial, and frankly, dystopian approach to governance."

Ike munched on his weed brownie and stood beside his buddy. "Fiona, you're just stalling because all this shit is besides the point. You saw a power vacuum and you abused your power as a Smasher by seizing control of the planet and building an army! That is way outta line!"

"I agree! You had no right!" screamed Don Luigi. "No right to do as a-you did!"

"At least give us back our weapons, for goodness' sake," Samus demanded.

"In due time. Weapons use shall be verboten on the grounds. Really, we have nothing more to discuss," said Fiona. "I'm den mother here. This is my pad now. Which means that our menu is going vegan and gluten-free! Can we get a heck yeah, homebodies?"

"Never!" Captain Falcon yelled. He had just devoured the roasted mackerel and was waving a juicy cut of Angus steak in one hand while the other had just plucked some spatzle. His cheeks were stuffed. "You can take away our bending - er, weapons - but you'll never take our freedom to eat whatever the fuck we want!"

"Hey, now. We need our weapons back," said Mega Man. "This is non-negotiable and yer not leavin' us with much choice."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong," Fiona told him. "Pledge your allegiance to me-"

"NEVER!" the chorus boomed.

"Then you will learn to!" yelled Fiona. "Guards! Cut off their 'weefie'!"

"Their... what?" asked Nana, who was supremely confused.

"Y-you know! The thing that makes the Googles happen! Weefie!"

"I think she means Wi-fi," Ganondorf said. "And you can never take that away!"

"Watch me, pervert," Fiona laughed.

One of the ROBs brought out the wireless router, tethered to the fiber-optic broadband line. Fiona whipped out Edward Scissorhands' detached arms, which she bought off a black market auction.

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Lucas exclaimed. "That shit ain't right!"

In a fit of wild ecstasy, Fiona chopped up the cables.

She then took the router and THREW IT ON THE GROUND.

ROB handed her a Golden Hammer and she proceeded to smash that shit into little bits.

The Smashers were teary-eyed as their precious Internet was taken from them.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" Kirby yelled, and ran towards Fiona.

The Supreme Overlord snapped her fingers. Two ROBs rolled on over to Kirby and took turns dribbling him.

"I already did," Fiona said ominously, and then flipped them all off. "Don't think you won't get your just desserts if you all continue to act out like this. My rule is inarguable. It's supported by my chart-topping book sales! Pick up a copy for half-price on your way out."

SWAT Bots by the door held up discounted copies of her paperback _Fifty Shades of Green: Based on the True Story Of the Forbidden Butt-Munching Love of Link and Marth._

"NANDE?!" Marth screamed upon seeing the suggestive front cover: he was cuddling against Link on a sleeping bag by the campfire. Both men were topless and gazing deep into each others' eyes as Epona watched on. Suddenly, the visual metaphor of the Ring around Death Mountain in the background suddenly took a whole new meaning.

"You fucking... AHHHHHHH!" Link yelled, and then smashed his plate into the table. "What is this SHIT?! Is this your idea of a joke?!"

"I don't hear you pledging," insisted Fiona.

"Go to hell," said Captain Falcon, who crushed his glass in hand. "I'm walkin' outta here! Who's with me?"

And so, Captain Falcon, Snake, Samus, Link, Zelda, Mario, Peach, Luigi, Yoshi, Bowser, Bowser Junior, Rosalina, Melville, Shulk, Falco, Mega Man, Palutena, Pit, Dark Pit, GW, Olimar, Lucario, Ganondorf, Sheik, Toon Link, and Charizard all stood and left the room, but not before purchasing paperback copies of Lady Fiona's Smut Fanfic at fifty percent market price.

King Dedede, Jigglypuff, Wario, the Female Fit Trainer, the Ice Climbers, and a few others continued to munch on the food.

"We'll get them yet," ROB told Supreme Overlord Fiona as Kirby was tossed out of the window. "They'll come around."

"It's true. One by one we'll win them over. Then they won't have any other choice," Fiona agreed.

"Listen, lady, you seem like you got some real issues," Dedede pointed out in between bites of his shawarma.

"Oh, ya think?" said Popo.

"Whaddaya want to rule people for anyway?" King Dedede asked. "It really ain't worth all the stress."

"I would agree," said the Female Wii Fit Trainer. "Work on those glutes. Breathe deeply. And don't sweat the small stuff."

"I'm afraid there will be no rest for me," said Fiona. "I will not cease my work for one instant, not until the entire Multiverse is run by my Righteous Ovarian Feminist Law, or ROFL for short."

"Now why would you wanna do that?" King Dedede probed. "Ain't it enough to rule over one planet?"

"No," said Fiona. "As long as there are any remnants of the patriarchy, evil can still yet take root. My goal is to end the toxic masculine culture entirely. Neuter every man, except for the breeders."

Wario was confused. "Breeders?"

"The Johnny Depps, Tom Feltons, and Brad Pitts of the world, duh. Other than, like, the super hottest of the hot, I must eliminate every man who holds a position of power. All films will pass the _Bechdel_ _Test_. Womyn will be allowed to walk the streets naked, and any cis mind-rapist who even thinks to hold open a door for a Womyn will be locked away at the stockade. No longer will any Womyn be raped by a man's filthy eyes!"

"Sheeyit, that sound pretty extreme," said King Dedede.

"True change has never been achieved with half-measures," Fiona insisted. "Why do you think Hitler failed?"

Pac-Man finished up his banana split. "Ummmm... maybe 'coz he was tryin' to kill an entire race o' people?! Not to mention, wasn't his funding cut off?"

"You've proven my point beyond a doubt," Fiona replied, completely missing the irony of Puck's statement. "Hitler lacked worldwide support, he was in the wrong, and he trusted whoever was bankrolling his campaign. I, on the other hand, have a best-selling series of books, _own _the Central Bank, and am fighting for the only true ideology there is – feminism – and the only justice that exists – that is, male genital mutilation."

Kirby climbed back up the window and plopped down onto the floor, breathing heavily.

"You ain't choppin' my dick off, that's for sure!" he yelled. "C'mon Dedede, Meta-Knight. Let's get outta here."

"How is it you own the Central Bank?" Meta-Knight asked, slices of shortcake staining his face mask.

"Won it in a wager against Toadsworth. It's a matter of public record," sneered Fiona. "Now that your Weefie's cut off, you might want to start learning how to use your tongues and fingers properly!"

"S'at s'posed to be a phallus joke? You's a sick, twisted woman," King Dedede said after shoving a Philly Cheesesteak down his trap. "Normally I'm into deformed snowflakes like you, but der's only so much crazy one penguin can handle in any given twenty-fo' hour period. We out."

After taking their copies of her Smut Fanfic, the _Kirby _cast waddled out of the room, followed by Wario, the Wii Fit Trainer, and the Ice Climbers.

The doors shut behind them.

Nana took Popo's hand once they were safely into the hallway.

"What is it?" he asked, rather agitated. It had been a while since she'd treated him like this, and he wasn't used to it.

"We need to talk."

The Ice Climbers bade farewell to the others and exited scene left to the gardens.

Wario scratched his ass crack and sniffed it.

"I don't a-know about you guys, but there's no reason for a-me to stay here another minute. I need to a-track down that asshole Edwin Gadd, retrieve my vast fortune, and make him pay twofold in his own blood."

"Ain't that a bit harsh?" Kirby posited.

"No need to go solo, bro," King Dedede told him. "Give us a few hours and we'll round up a good crew."

"There's no time," Wario grumbled. "He could be in a godforsaken American server for all we know. Hiding out with Blizzard, Valve... EA... even Zynga. There are so many MMOs..."

"I agree, he's long gone," Meta-Knight said. "Maybe I can help you find him. For a price."

Wario's face brightened up. "Keep talking. What's in it for you and yours?"

"A thousand shares in _WarioWare, Inc.,_ an' dat sweet chopper of yours."

Wario bit his lip. "Outrageous! Fine. Let's do it a-your way. Assemble a team. Then meet a-me in the garage after dinner."

* * *

Nana and Popo walked down to the garden, passing Roy as he was posing against a marble column, clad in a bath robe.

"Care for a drink, Climbers?" he asked, holding up a bottle of Captain Morgan.

"No thanks," Popo replied, and they walked into a rather hidden alcove not too far from an artificial waterfall.

The peaceful Japanese garden gave them a perfect cover to talk discreetly.

"So what's up?" asked Popo as he fed some bread crumbs in his pocket to the Duck from Duck Hunt. Its canine friend was nearby, basking in the sun.

"We should leave today," she said, not mincing words.

"Today? We just got back!"

"I know, but... I get the feeling she isn't going to stop until the Multiverse is in ashes."

Popo munched on an apple. "What do you think she's got in mind?"

"I... I wish I knew. She keeps her plans close to her chest..."

"We need more info," Popo told her. "I'm not going to abandon everyone, not if there's a chance we can convince 'em."

_Good luck with that,_ Mewtwo replied to both Ice Climbers telepathically.

"Mewtwo?" Popo yelled. "Who said you could eavesdrop?"

The Psychic-Type Pokemon popped his head out from behind a nearby hammock, within which he was hidden. He wore a pair of sunglasses and was reading hentai manga from his Kindle.

"Hey, I got here first. You're the fools interrupting my fap session."

"Save it," said Nana. "We'll be out of your way in a minute."

She leaned her head on Popo's chest. "We haven't had a game in decades now. Let's face it. We ought to move on, go see the Multiverse while we still can."

"I'd love to do that, honey," Popo replied. "Really, I would. But if there's a chance our friends... I mean, what if somethin' happens... knowing I coulda helped... I won't be able to rest, or enjoy one instant of that vacation."

She met his eyes and smiled an everlasting smile.

"I love it when you're all brave like that."

"C'mere, sweetie."

The Ice Climbers began making out right then and there. Mewtwo closed his eyes and telepathically watched as they got all hot and heavy with one another.

* * *

**IV. Heartbreak Hotel**

Travis cleared his throat as he addressed Takamaru. "Hey, uh, samurai guy in pajamas... I seem to be at a loss. Where do you all keep the _moe _around here? I long for a stiffness in my pants."

"In due time, all questions shall be answered," Takamaru replied as he led the procession of Smash Hopefuls, who were informed they would now be called the Domesticators.

"Cryptic much?" sneered Sora, who joined in at the last minute with crossed arms.

"Tardy thou art once more! Prithee, what nonsense have you to say in your defense, odd child?"

"A Keyblade Master is never late, nor is he early. He comes precisely where and when he means to, and that sometimes means in your princess' cooch," Sora replied.

"Man, isn't it supertacular that they made another castle, just for us?" Rayman told Shrek all giddy-like.

"Ah have to agree with ya, lad," Shrek replied, patting Rayman on the back. "It's quite a sight fer sore eyes."

"I pray thee forgive me, then, for spoiling the surprise," said Takamaru from the front of the line. He tapped a button on his tablet and removed a protective glamour spell from the luxurious grounds, revealing the castle as nothing more than a _Tomodachi Life_ apartment building.

"What the fuck is this bullcrap?" yelled Ridley. "Bomberman, Simon, let's give 'em a piece of our minds!"

Simon Belmont merely grunted.

Bomberman, for his part, was too busy scrolling through GamerGate threads. "Castle, apartment, bunker... same thing. To the hand spaketh, normalfag. There's something horribly wrong on the Internet."

"Fuck the Internet! There's something very wrong over _here_!" Crash Bandicoot protested. "I was promised private balconies! Toad servants at my beck and call!"

"Listen up, fools," said Impa. "The former employees of this establishment have filed their grievances and are currently on strike."

The Smash Hopefuls all waited for the punchline, but it, much like Pee Wee Herman in that one unfortunate night in the back of the porno theater where he was arrested for masturbating, never came.

"Now you're pulling our legs," said Isaac with kind of a laugh. "There's no way all this fucking happened overnight."

"Wait, don't tell me. Time dilation took effect as Planet Smash was sucked into the wormhole," explained Dr. Light.

"Care to explain how theoretical astrophysics can take place in a realm where basic Newtonian shit is thrown out the window?" Dr. Wily interrupted him.

"You can quit it with the speculation," Bayonetta interrupted them, having flown into their midst incognito as a crow. She was clad in her outfit from the original _Bayonetta_, a tight black leather bodysuit made from her voluminous hair. Her haircut remained rather short, though. "Tell 'em, Impa."

Impa cleared her throat and addressed the crowd. "The truth is, time did slow down for this town. The initiation of the update process halted Smash City's human Time-Synch Device, overclocking the entire City. Seconds lasted for minutes one day, hours the next. What _we_ all experienced as one night became a month-long ordeal for this place. The news broadcasts of our exploits streamed in over the course of what they experienced as several weeks. Meanwhile, having seized control of the Smashgrounds, the woman formerly known as the Female Villager somehow managed to create an entire armed government..."

"Yeah, yeah, we know that already," said Wonder-Red.

"Don't be hasty," the Hylian warned him as she adjusted a wayward bang. "Let me get to the point kindly, because it's a sharp one."

"Out with it," demanded Dixie Kong, who could now speak English as well as DK and Diddy.

"Fine. You all are now destined to fulfill the role of hired help at the Smashgrounds. You will work as caretakers during the day."

Groans, enraged yells, and confused stares filled the crowd. Black Mage cried Watera tears so hard they formed a puddle on the floor.

Princess Daisy stared on, dumbfounded, like a child who'd walked in on her dad, in a Santa outfit, having sex with the nanny on Christmas Eve while Mom was at yoga class.

"I'M NO MAID! I'M A PRINCESS!" Daisy yelled.

"Royalty doesn't apply here, darling," said Bayonetta.

"I want to talk to whoever's in charge!"

"That'd be Lady Fiona."

"Very well," Daisy muttered, and marched off to find an air taxi.

"Um... Of course, there's enough of you that you won't all be working every hour of every day," continued Impa, "but it will be difficult. Concierge work. Dishes. Laundry. Housekeeping. Cooking."

"Don't Cooking Mama and ROB man the kitchen?" Krystal queried.

"Mama's now on syndicated television. Fiona offered her a cooking show."

"Wake me up when September fucking ends," Dr. Eggman grumbled. "I don't think I like where this is going..."

"Neither do I," said Krystal. "In fact, it sounds rather shit. Is there a gym here, at least?"

"Yes, and a rather robust one, too," Bayonetta replied.

The Umbran Witch was carrying a basket filled with some sort of flower. She took a bud and placed it behind her ear.

"Rosemary. It signifies remembrance," she explained as she passed around her hand basket. "Congratulations on recovering all your memories. Oh, for those who don't know me. My name is Cereza, but you can call me Bayonetta. I'm apparently in charge of housing here, since I always get what I want and have made even the baddest of the bad beg at my feet. By the by, I'm in need of a sparring partner-"

"ME!" Black Mage yelled over the crowd, waving his hand frantically.

Bayonetta sighed. "Sorry, love. Might want to keep your hand down. That rather pungent fragrance your underarms seem to be expelling is... not to my taste. Anyone else?"

Sora raised his hand.

"Aren't you too young for me?"

The Kingdom Hearts hero slicked his hair, which spiked back up into place. "Believe me, I may be broke, and I may have huge feet and weird proportions, but at least I'm a meth addict! No, no! What I meant to say was well-hung! WELL HUNG. And you know what's in my heart, deep down? Thank God for those tits. AH! I said grits! Grits, I said! I'm also a meth addict. SHIT, did I say that out loud again?!"

Crono patted the kid on the back. "Bro... just... stop. Please. For all our sakes. Lady Bayonetta, might I inquire as to what, if any, form of compensation-"

"You'll get nothing and like it," she informed him.

Ridley flexed his wings. "I'll bite!"

"I'm not fond of pets that don't listen to their masters. How about the rather foxy lady?"

"Say no more. I'd be glad to be your sparring partner, if you'll have me," Krystal insisted.

"Very well, darling. We'll discuss this in private later."

Catcalls could be heard from the crowd. Bayonetta blew the offending men – Geno and Mallow – a kiss, which actually Confused and Paralyzed them.

"Tut tut, children," said Bayonetta. "Perhaps you need to be taught some respect?"

Geno and Mallow nearly creamed tree sap and rainfall all over their pants.

"Yes, milady!" Geno cried. "Punish us, please! Take out that whip!"

Bayonetta eyed the desperate Hopefuls, who would make perfect janitors. They were just the right size for cleaning toilets with scrubbing sponges strapped to their heads, _Invader Zim _style.

"Hmmm, I think I'll just leave that to the pros. Shrek and Simon Belmont, I need you to work security detail. It's good pay."

"Have your people talk to my people," Simon said.

Shrek rubbed his belly and eyed the _Super Mario RPG _mascots the way a master butcher admires a particularly juicy slab of pork belly. "Sounds good, lass! We'll rough 'em up for ya in no time flat!"

"Consider it a warning, fellas," said Impa. "I see those death stares. Gentlemen, let me remind you of our first rule: no roughhousing inside."

"Hey, hang on, since when are there _rules _here?" asked Bomberman. "I thought this was an Anarchist Territory!"

"Not since the ratification of Supreme Overlord Fiona's _Happy World Funtime Act of 2014_."

"The what?" asked Dr. Light.

"That will take far too long to explain, darling," Bayonetta replied. "Anyone else want a job?"

"I think maybe I could do somethin' to help me feel not so terrible?" Rayman asked.

"Actually, you'll be living with Doctor Stiles in a loft above the psych ward. Sakurai's orders. He wants to study just what makes you you."

"Hang on, you want to use me as a medical experiment, eh?"

"For science," Impa said with a smile. "Neil Degrasse Tyson would approve."

"Ad hominem fallacy," said Bomberman.

"Never you mind," Bayonetta replied. "What say you, Rayman?"

The limbless wonder grabbed at both locks of his hair. He was barely keeping the other guy in check. "Eeeeeehhh... AAUUUGGGHH!"

He then proceeded to punch himself in the face. Takamaru interrupted him by anchoring his feet to the ground with a Freezie.

"Thou would desire, methinks, to not be a hindrance to our progression and evolution, ol' chap," insisted Takamaru. "Would that a lame gent as yourself could even grasp the meaning of self-sacrifice."

Rayman shrugged his shoulders. "Well, when ya put it that way... all righty."

The group entered the lobby/lounge in the center of the apartment complex: with a swanky fireplace, a couple of huge TVs above the mantle, a huge water bong, an ample bookshelf, dance floor, and an open bar, it had the best characteristics of both a low-key three-star hotel lobby and a chilled-out Amsterdam coffee shop.

"We're getting the arcade machines brought in courtesy of our new media sponsor," explained Bayonetta.

The Domesticators waved to Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Amy, all of whom were crowded around a mysterious figure.

"Mr. Hori, I presume!" Bayonetta called out with a blown kiss, strutting forward effortlessly on her heels.

Taizo Hori (Dig Dug), dressed up in a pinstripe suit and holding a cigar, took his arm off his granddaughter Jill's shoulder and reached out to the luscious Umbran Witch.

"Cereza!" he said warmly, and went in for the hug, pressing himself against her breasts and even rubbing her back with his hand so he could get to feel Bayonetta's marble-hard nipples.

The Umbran Witch rolled her eyes at this. "I suppose it's true, Mr. Hori, that the aged oak has the most resilient trunk?"

"Oak? More like a redwood," Mr. Hori replied, and eyed Bayonetta's candied buttocks, Thelma (left) and Louise (right), which were immediately registered as Japanese National Treasures after the release of _Bayonetta 2_ in August 2014 (a little known fact).

"Oh, grandpa. You're such a fucktarded llama ass hair tickler," said Jill with a giggle.

"Language," Taizo reminded her. "What would your dear father say?"

But Mr. Driller (Taizo's son and Jill's dad) was off spelunking with Quote in Skyrim.

Jill pondered her answer, pouting like a petulant kid. "I believe the subject matter would be somethin' like, please unchain me and lemme outta the basement?"

She turned to their Social Media Director, Frogger, who showed her a tablet with the Twitter feed as it updated live with people's reactions to the stream.

"Shush, dear. We're in _public_," Hori decried. "Plus, that was our little secret," he whispered.

"Which is precisely why I won't shut up. I have social media and the government on my side! I can call the cops on you and say you touched me, and they'll take everything!"

"Oh, yeah? I'll expose you for a liar. And then who'd believe you if I really _d__id _touch you, eh?"

"Actually, grandpa... they wouldn't have to know. I'd... like that very much," said Jill. "He-hearing that kind of turns me on."

Jill then turned to Frogger, who showed her the incoming Twitter feed.

_Hitler_did_nothing_wrong: I don't watch crap daytime ads to be subjected to this perverted bullcrap!_

_TedNugentsBallsack_:_ das where da party at jill_

_Jigglypuff_luvr: Jill once again pushing boundaries of taste. Stop trying so hard to achieve relevance. It's sadder than bloody constipation after Thanksgiving dinner._

_NAMBLAss_honker: incest is best 10/10 would bang_

_Grassholery: RT JillDozer: Your bad joke should have stayed in another castle! Return to obscurity. Mark my words: SBC's new $#!+ show is gonna be a one-season wonder._

"Why, those foul turds!" Takamaru exclaimed as he peeked over Jill's shoulder. "Humorless cretins."

"It's a reality show," Bayonetta addressed the confused Smash Hopefuls. "Mr. Hori here just won the biggest gamble in the history of_ Smash Bros._ betting. He put his entire savings on the line for one ticket, and it paid off a hundredfold."

Taizo adjusted his collar. "Tha's right. I bet it all that it was gonna end with a bang, not a whimper! A nuclear bang, to be precise! Had a feelin' you'd make it through, in the end, ya witchy woman," he told Bayonetta with a sly wink.

The Umbran Witch blew him a kiss. "It is known, Mr. Hori. You're officially responsible for the most ridiculous win in the history of sports betting, especially because the money came through before the establishment of the ninety percent tax."

"THE WHAT?" demanded Bomberman. "Who's getting taxed to the what?"

"Everyone is," Impa said. "Nine-tenths of their income. To fund the military."

"What do we need that for, dude?" asked Crash. "We've got the Smashers here to defend us. They're practically an army unto themselves."

"You'll have to ask the Supreme Overlord to explain her logic," Bayonetta concluded. "Anyway, back to Mr. Hori's win. Ever seen the film 'Let it Ride'?"

The crowd was silent.

"Oh, posh. With Richard Dreyfuss? It may be his most entertaining movie."

But the Hopefuls only looked on as Jill and Taizo Hori continued their banter.

"I like a-you people," Taizo said. "You've got some o' the most interesting faces I've ever seen."

"It's because their models are more detailed than those of us side characters," said Chrono sadly.

Taizo cleared his throat. "What I mean is, I want to be a contributor here! Like a foul mutt marking its territory, let me immortalize my presence. Name a wing after me, or somethin'! Can I at least get a fountain with a nice bust?"

"Say no more, sir! We shall hush our muffins and accept your currency!" Takamaru responded, bowing on bended knee. "Pray, someone have the Jew- er, Toadsworth, draw it up immediately!"

"But granddaddy, why do you need a bust for, when I've got a growing pair?" Jill Dozer asked, rubbing up against his digital leg whilst touching her chest inappropriately.

"All right, I think I've seen enough of these icky jokers," said Simon Belmont to the others. "Where's my keys? I long to go to my room and..."

"Touch yourself?" Marle asked. "Perhaps I can join you."

Simon grinned. It appeared James Bond hadn't made it to the Smashgrounds. "I won't say no to that."

"Weren't we going on a date with Wonder-Blue?" Lucca asked Marle.

"Shyeah, Marle. Wonder-Red needs a double date for the movie," Wonder-Blue continued as they made their way down the hallway towards their rooms.

"I'll take a raincheck, Red," Marle said, walking up to Simon and taking his arm in hers.

Wonder-Red shrugged. _You can't always get the girl. Or ever, in my case._

Lucca groaned as she unlocked her door and opened it to a sparsely decorated apartment. She turned to regard Wonder-Blue, who was walking down the hallway to his own dwelling.

"I hear there's a special dinner later," he told her. "Let's get there early and snatch up all the hors' d'oeuvres."

She smiled in response. "Definitely."

* * *

**V. I Can't Let You Go**

Rayman had no sooner reached his room when he shut the door, dropped his duffel bag, and collapsed onto the king-sized bed.

"Take me away, Mister Sandman," he mumbled, and fell into a dream.

* * *

After that depressing lunch with Fiona, the Smashers all took off back to their rooms.

Mega Man frantically looked around for Princess Peach. She almost slipped away, but he power-slid between Ganon's legs and managed to catch up with her.

"Good mornin'!" he told Peach. "We still on for later tonight?"

"T-tonight...? Oh! Oh, of course!" she smiled, recalling just in time that she promised to go on a date with him after he took out Rayman's nuke the evening prior.

"You remembered!"

She patted his head. "You fought bravely, Mega Man. Shall we head into the city? What kind of food do you like?"

Mega Man held up an Energy Tank. "This is my bread an' butter. But I'm sure you have a favorite place."

"Several of them, actually. Tell you what? Let's meet by the speedboat docks at seven."

"Awesome!" Mega Man exclaimed, and kissed Peach's hand. "Smell ya later!"

She smiled at the cute gesture and continued walking to hers and Mario's shared room to liberate her stuff from her ex-boyfriend.

After ditching a camera drone, Peach entered the door and brought out her luggage.

As quickly as she could, she began packing her dozens of dresses and pairs and shoes. Most of the time she'd have an army of Toads help her with this work, but there was something cathartic about doing it all herself. At her behest, they were hanging out in the corners, dusting and polishing stuff.

Before long, Peach sensed that she was being watched and spun around to see who else but Mario leaning against the doorway, the bottle of Mr. Miyamoto's non-alcoholic substitute for Everclear Vodka in hand.

"I thought you were done drinking," she told him.

"I am," Mario replied, showing her that the bottle was capped. He walked on over and put it in his minibar. "Haven't touched a drop since the battle."

"I'm happy about that," said Peach, who continued to pack her sports outfits.

Mario couldn't take this much longer. "Is it really too late, honey?"

The Toads standing by listened in with bent ears.

"We've been through this so many times before... now that I remember... I just don't know what else there is to say."

"Tell _me _what you need to hear and I'll a-say it. I'd do anything to turn that frown of yours upside down. I want to give you a world of smiles. Give a-me one more chance," he begged. "All of our a-problems have been absolved."

"_Resolved_," Peach corrected him. "And I don't think they have. The issues in our relationship go further than Mother CAST's errors."

"Which is a-why we need a-to fix them." He took her hand. "We're meant for each other, darling."

Peach bit her lip. The feeling in her gut was like that of a woman discovering that she had a sinkhole in his stomach, a sinkhole that was swallowing her inside out.

"Mario, there's a lot that I've got to think about right now. Please don't make this harder than it already is."

Mario sat on the bed, eye level to Peach. "You're killing a-me here. You're stabbing me in the gut with a rusted blade a-dipped in poison."

"Save your crocodile tears," Peach chastised him. She snapped her travel luggage's latches closed. The sound hit Mario as if she were shutting the book on their whole relationship. She picked up her smallest piece of luggage, and the Toads rushed on over to grab the rest of the cases. "There's only so much one girl can take."

"So I guess this is farewell," he told her, standing atop the bed to appear strong.

"It'll never be farewell between us. Until the next game."

"Till the next game," Mario replied.

Once the door shut, he walked on over to the minibar and stared deeply into the containers of his alcoholic beverages. He looked from one bottle to the other, recalling their individual tastes and quirks.

Then he trashed the minibar, fully and completely.

"FUCK!" he exclaimed, tossing his Crown Royal Maple Finished Canadian Whisky onto the floor. The bottle shattered, and the sweet smell of alcohol filled the air.

"Goddamnit..." Mario grumbled. He didn't want to breathe in those fumes.

The plumber changed his outfit to his Hawaiian shirt and shorts and left the room.

_I'm going fucking golfing._

* * *

**VI. True Courage**

Ganondorf opened the doors to his man-cave, a room that just screamed 'nerdy bachelor pad'. An entire wall was actually a shelf lined with manga. Stacks of hard drives stored his many perverted voyeur videos.

He took a seat at the desk and plugged in his laptop. The King of Darkness plugged in HDMI and audio cables to hook his laptop up to a video projector and 5.1 sound system, brewed himself a cup of coffee and worked on his Smash dating sim, fine-tuning the Samus storyline.

When he stood up to piss, he remembered to take some DNA samples of Prof. E. Gadd's blood from his pauldrons and send them off to the lab.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Ganon checked his very own creation, a GPS "Marauder's Map" app on his phone, which showed real-time readings of all the other Smashers' locations.

"Yoshi!" Ganon said aloud as he saw the name. "I assume you've got the goods. Lurk not in the shadows, green one."

The door creaked open and the Yoshi walked forth confidently, a duffel bag in hand. He put the bag down and withdrew an SD card from the front pocket. Yoshi then tossed the SD card at his boss, who caught it between two fingers and slotted it into his laptop.

"Yoshi Yoshi!" (Got some good things on that card for ya, stranger!)

"That remains to be seen, McYoshi," said Ganon.

"Yoshi! (I want ten percent.)

"We agreed on three."

Yoshi handed Ganon a ziplock bag: within it was the pair of panties he stole off Peach in Chapter Twelve. Ganon promptly sniffed the underwear to be sure it was unsoiled. Pink, silken, and frilled, it had the most pleasant natural pussy smell.

"Not bad," said the Gerudo King. "Gotta say, a prime specimen. Let's see the footage."

Finally, Ganon saw Link and Zelda's epic fuck video. As seen from atop a remote-controlled car, the couple was banging up against the rack of Fairy Bottles in Bowser's Flagship's storage room.

"Good angles. Decent sound quality... yes..."

Yoshi's eyes wandered to Ganon's crotch region, hoping that the black market porn dealer might pop a stiffy, especially given a rumor he'd heard about Ganon's fixation on Princess Zelda. But he was fresh out of luck, as no tenting occurred from underneath those tight pants.

"Very well. I'll give you five percent on the video, and two hundred coins for the panties."

"Five hundred!" Yoshi exclaimed.

"For five hundred, I expect you to (A) be a hot woman, and (B) get down on your knees and suck my dick," said Ganon.

"Yoshi!" (Be reasonable, man!)

"Perhaps I can fulfill that request of yours," a familiar female voice echoed around the room.

"Who?" Ganon exclaimed, before recognizing the laughter that followed. "Midori-chan? How'd you get in here?"

After drying her hands off with a towel, the Goddess Palutena popped her head out from Ganondorf's bathroom. "A few little birds have told me that you're immensely shy about your body."

"That's a... complete understatement," Ganon replied. It took all his courage to keep from bolting as she walked slowly and sexily towards him.

Palutena touched Yoshi on the nose and winked at him. She then pulled out Solid Snake's M9 tranquilizer gun and shot the dinosaur twice on the nose. Yoshi plopped down onto the floor, asleep immediately.

"How the hell did you get that?" Ganondorf asked her, backing up towards the door. He grabbed a Ray Gun and aimed it at the Goddess.

"I have my ways. It's been a while since any man's ever tried to hide from me. If there's one thing I do like, dear Ganon, it's a challenge."

Ganon fired the Ray Gun. Palutena's Reflect bounced it off and stunned him long enough for her to Jump-Glide on over and pounce on top of him, pinning him onto his shaggy carpet floor.

"What are you doing?!" Ganon demanded.

He squirmed, but Palutena shushed him by kissing him deeply. With her right hand, she used her staff to hold Ganon's arms into place.

She sat atop his lower belly and began to slide her crotch back and forth over his hips, moving lower and lower as she continued to grind, like a deadly pendulum.

"I'm going to make us both feel fantastic," said Palutena breathlessly.

Ganondorf tried to move his arms, but Palutena cast a spell that froze his wrists to the ground. Various trapping spells having taken effect, she put down her staff and began massaging his pectoral muscles with her delicate hands.

"You can't do this..." Ganon told her. "This... is against my will..."

"Then I'll have to make you beg for release," Palutena pouted, and then fluttered her eyelashes. "It's okay. I'm a patient Goddess."

She made out with him some more, and even whispered dirty things into his ears.

"Let me guess. Deep down you're so dirty, you hide yourself away here. Afraid to be found. Afraid that your guard will slip, that someone might stumble upon you and see what you really are."

"I... I don't need your psychoanalysis," Ganon groaned.

"Don't fight it," said Palutena. "Please. All I want is to spread my love in the purest forms imaginable. _Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it._"

"Rumi..." Ganon said. "You're quoting Rumi."

"If my body can't turn you on, maybe my brain can," Palutena replied with a knowing smile. "You do have a thing for Zelda, after all, don't you?"

"You don't know me!" Ganondorf cursed her.

"Not yet. Not until you're inside of me."

Palutena undid her brooch and let her toga and accessories drape, and then fall off of her body. She slid down her panties and touched the wetness between her legs.

"Look at how wet you make me."

"You're not the first one to try and do this..." Ganon said, remembering the many women who'd thrown themselves onto him in the past. He fought them off limb by limb, and this time would be no different.

Ganondorf kept the tears in.

_I need to man up. Fight her magic._ _Why am I always feeling down? Why am I always so afraid? Why... why have I given up hope?_

"I'm not here to hurt you," Palutena replied, and then began singing the song that started to form in Ganon's subconscious. _"What is it you're afraid of? It's okay, you could say I'm afraid too... in the same way..."_

Ganon's eyes widened. "Is that... 'True Courage' from _Rhapsody... A Musical Adventure_?"

"Wait, you actually _know _that game, too?!" she exclaimed, starry-eyed.

"I know... more than I care to admit about NiS tactical RPG games for the PSX."

"_I give up hope... I just can't cope... can't hold my own much longer... You're not alone..." _Palutena continued. _"So just hang on... you must try to be stronger..."_

"GYYYYYEAAAAAHHHH!" he yelled, and strained against her shackles. They were straining to hold him in.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Palutena screamed, and rubbed up against him even faster as the rest of the lyrics played themselves out in his head.

_You can overcome life's ups and downs  
You can turn your life around_

"Ah!" exclaimed Ganon. "It... it feels great..."

He stopped trying to fight her gyrating hips and instead matched her movements.

_That's the meaning of true courage  
So please remember..._

But just as the rhythm was heating up, Palutena did the unthinkable. She pulled down Ganondorf's pants before he could so much as protest.

The Gerudo King gasped in shock at what she'd done.

"NO! SHIT! STOP!"

There was no lie in Palutena's eyes. She covered her mouth to keep Ganon from seeing the level of surprise in her face.

At first, she wasn't sure what she was looking at. But then she blinked a couple of times and gently parted his pubic hair.

Ganondorf's penis was standing fully erect at two-and-a-quarter inches. It was almost as wide as it was tall.

"Wow."

"Do you get it now?!" he yelled, tears streaming down his face. "It's almost a chode! My dick is microscopic! It's humiliating!"

But Palutena merely stroked his chiseled jaw and neck with a straight face. "It's adorable, Ganondork. There's no need to be ashamed."

"You're... not laughing..." Ganon observed. For years he had convinced himself that the first reaction any woman would have to his penis would be to burst out into sadistic mockery.

"Of course not," said Palutena, who began using her thumb and forefinger to stroke Ganon's fat chode. "Sure, it's smaller than I'm used to, but we'll make it work."

Relief washed over Ganondorf like waves from the Fountain of Youth as his deepest fears were dispatched. Palutena took his tiny cock into her mouth. Her warm breath and perfect tongue teased his dick better than he could have ever imagined.

She looked at him with innocent eyes and massaged his testicles with her gentle fingers.

_Don't you ever give up trying  
Be courageous, keep on striving  
Fly to the stars  
You can have hope for tomorrow_

"AHHHH!" Ganondorf moaned. "It feels fuckin' fantastic!"

"Tee hee, oh you so tasty," Palutena teased him.

The Goddess stuck her left index finger in his asshole and began tickling his prostate.

"Whoa! Whoa, that's not right... it feels so weird..."

_So let's hold hands with one another  
We can both take one step further  
Dreams can come true  
Find the hope that's deep inside  
Find the strength that keeps your dreams alive..._

Palutena slobbered all over his shaft and continued to pump it with her mouth. This went on for a while.

"You're lasting surprisingly long," she told him. "Are you nervous?"

"Haaaahhh... maybe..."

"Release that tension," she commanded, and then climbed on top of him again, straddling his dick. "Wave goodbye as it goes fluttering away, like a band you once sang the praises of but now realize is a blemish upon civilization and must be eliminated."

She gazed deeply into his eyes as she lowered herself onto him.

His dick slipped into Palutena like Cinderella in her glass slipper.

"Ahh! You're so perfect, baby! You're hitting my G-spot head-on!"

Palutena pressed her whole body against Ganondorf's and rubbed her hips up and down, sliding his cock in and out, in and out, two inches at a time. Her clitoris slammed hard against his pubic bone, prompting her to bite her lips hard.

The Goddess' lower lips swallowed and unleashed Ganon's penis over and over again. Her eyes rolled back into her head as if she were being exorcised.

"It feels so fuckin' awesome!" Ganon cried. "YEAH! Don't stop!"

"That's my line!" Midori-chan teased. She slowed her grinding and started squeezing Ganon's dick with her vaginal muscles. She got its head in a death-grip.

"How do you like your first time? Is it everything you always wanted?"

"And then some! Ahhh! I dunno how much longer I can hold on."

"In that case, I want a creampie," she demanded. "And you wouldn't dare take that away from me. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"Actually, I think I would," Ganon smiled. "But you've been such a good sport, I'm only happy to oblige."

He exploded into her cunny, his scrotum emptying its contents with enough force that Palutena felt as if a fire hose was erupting inside of her.

"OH MY! Don't stop!" she wailed. "Let the spice flow!"

He didn't, and the more Ganon spurted, the more sensitive his tiny purple-headed yogurt-slinger became, until it was chafed and polished at the tip, like an overly-varnished knob.

When Palutena collapsed beside Ganondorf atop her clothing, she lifted her leg and spread her lips just to show him how much of his come was streaming out of her. It was rushing like a waterfall.

"Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson," she said in a spot-on impression of Hugo Weaving, rather dazed from her mind-blowing orgasm.

"Your clothes... they're getting stained."

"I've got many more like it," Palutena explained, and looked deep into Ganon's eyes. "See, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

It took a while for Ganondorf to respond. Coming down from his euphoric climax, he was still in a state of absolute bliss.

"Lady Palutena... I... I was blind with fear... fear and self-hatred... for years... and all along... if only I knew the kind of beauty 3D women are capable of... I... I don't know how to thank you."

"Shush," Palutena told him, stroking his manly muscles. "Devirginizing you was its own reward."

"But... did you come yet?"

Palutena giggled. "Only about three times, silly."

"Ah."

"Which reminds me... how long until you're ready to go again?"

* * *

**VII. Why Can't This Be Love?**

After lunch, Snake followed Samus over to the Training Room, where they fell into their usual exercise routine.

"Feminist conspiracy aside, everything seems right again," Zero Suit Samus told him in between sit-ups. "Like the last three months didn't even happen."

Snake continued to hold her feet down. "Yeah. I'm just happy Sakurai was cool enough to let us cut veterans stay. Huh. My M9 Tranquilizer gun... it's missing."

"You mean Fiona's lackeys didn't take it?"

"Nah. Must have been a pickpocket. You just hit a hundred. Shall we practice CQC?"

"You know it."

And so, Snake and Samus worked on their hand-to-hand combat.

Snake got her in a hold, and Samus responded by tripping him. As he fell backwards, she performed a backflip that ended in a Judo throw to get him off her back.

Snake went flying into the bleachers, and just barely caught himself.

"Nice," he informed Samus. "Let's see what happens when you make the first move."

They got back into neutral position and Samus opened with a dash attack. Snake shielded, grabbed her, and tossed her away. Samus pushed off the bleachers and into her flip-kick. She soared in an arc above Snake and was about to land her heel on his head. With impeccable timing, Snake ground-dodged, and then grabbed the bounty hunter. He tossed her into a back-throw, and then back-aired her into the side of the gym.

Samus adjusted her ponytail. "Heh, well done."

"Try again, and mind the lag."

The duo practiced for a good thirty minutes before the sound of Little Mac and Captain Falcon arguing in the locker room startled them out of the zone.

"Get your eyes off me!" Little Mac screamed. "Keep 'em where I can see 'em!"

"What's up with you all of a sudden, brah?" Captain Falcon asked. "You eat one too many chilies for lunch? Lay off."

"Get outta my beeswax!" Mac yelled.

"I already am," Falcon replied, and left the room.

"Wonder what that was about?" asked Samus.

Snake shrugged and offered his jug of water as the duo extended their break.

"Thanks, David," said Samus after she had a hearty chug.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Snake asked.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Just... why do you want to hang out with me? What's your game?"

"I... I guess I just wanted things to be like old times."

"Really."

Samus wiped herself off with a towel.

"Yeah, really. I know I shouldn't get to say this after breaking up with you and all... but... back then... I might have made a mistake."

"Hmmm. Seems you're still talking in the past tense. If you want to get back together, you could just ask."

"I do... want to... but I'm also kind of confused. And it has nothing to do with you."

"You're seeing Peach after hours."

Samus fumbled the towel. "WAIT! You knew?! No one but she and I..."

"Give me a little credit," Snake said. "I've defeated nuclear-equipped, walking battle tanks. Saved the world several times. Keeping tabs on your relationship status with all those camera feeds and spies at our disposal was child's play."

Interrupting their conversation, in the hallway, they could see a guy in a cute Ridley mascot costume wrestling with a shorter figure in a Metal Gear Rex costume.

"Pew! Pew!" Metal Gear Rex shouted, tossing wooden arrows at the Space Pirate menace.

But the guy in the Ridley outfit slipped on a stray arrow and landed on one that stuck to his chest.

"YEEOOOWCH!"

"Don't break character!" Metal Gear Rex whispered.

At this point, the guy in the Ridley outfit had had enough. He simply dropped his entire weight onto the Metal Gear Rex guy, pinning him to the floor. But the guy in the Rex outfit merely kicked his opponent in the 'nads. Before long, they were chasing themselves back out the other end of the hallway.

"Well.. I... I don't know what to say..."

"Neither do I." Snake took her hand. "Sammy... you don't have to say anything. If it bothered me too much to talk about, do you think I'd even bring it up?"

"But it... does bother you... even a bit?" Samus probed.

"I'll be honest. I know enough about you and Peach, and human sexuality, to presuppose that you're both experimenting with something neither of you have really done: an intense same-sex relationship. It's clear you two need each other right now. I don't want to get in the way of that."

"You wouldn't be," Samus explained. "We're not exclusive, and we... well... I mean, the things we do... the things we talk about... it's... it's all about the lovemaking. Really hot lovemaking."

"These are the kinds of stories I'd like to stick around to hear," said Snake, sparking up a cigarette. "The secret life of Samus Aran."

Samus took his empty hand in hers. "Maybe I'm being selfish... but I really would like for you to stick around. Be my boyfriend again, David."

"Nothing would make me happier."

They embraced.

"Can't say I've been in a relationship like this before. It'll be fun. I wonder what Peach will think."

"You can ask her yourself. She's always had a thing for you."

"You're kidding."

Samus made a mock-angry face. "WELL! No need to look so excited!"

Snake put out the cigarette and popped a couple of Altoids into his mouth. "Heh. I'm letting my imagination run wild. You guys can probably teach me a thing or two."

"Teach the Legendary Solid Snake? As if."

Samus had no sooner finished what she was saying than Snake picked her up by the hips, walked up to a pillar, and pushed her back against it.

By this time, Samus' legs were already firmly wrapped around his back.

Snake's hot breath ran down her neck as his fingers unzipped the Zero Suit. She moaned as he finally reached her sex. His fingers found it already warm and waiting.

"Forgive me if imagining the two of you together really turns me on," Snake said.

"There's nothing _to _forgive, silly. I am so ready for a threesome."

Samus twitched against Snake's fingers as he nimbly guided her into her first climax, all the while kissing her until she was out of breath.

After some intense tongue action, Snake finally managed to squeeze his penis out of the sneaking suit and rub it up against Samus' opening.

While she was recovering from her high, she slowly sheathed Snake's shaft in her womanly private place, purring at the touch.

He pounded her hard. Grabbed her ponytail and pulled it as he nipped at her neck.

"Owww!" she cried, but it was a good hurt.

Snake began thrusting slowly at first, teasing the bounty hunter and steadying his rhythm. It wasn't long before she was able to match his movements, using her legs and back as leverage to squeeze and bounce upon his eight-inch phallus even as it enveloped her.

"YES! AHHH! David... you complete me..." she said. "When you're inside like this..."

Samus' breasts bounced heavenly with her breath. Snake ramped up his thrusting to maximum speed. Ms. Aran's ass was getting raw as her cheeks slammed repeatedly into Snake's chiseled thighs.

"Love me, Snake!"

"I do!"

"Then give me your seed!"

"YES!"

Samus twitched from her wave of orgasms as Snake filled her up.

* * *

"All right, I think I got it set up right," King Dedede told the others.

Olimar, Lucario, Ike, Kirby, Game and Watch, Melville, and Meta-Knight all held their breath. Two bongs were both filled to the brim and in rotation, the console was now good to go, and they could finally start the game.

"So, this weed stuff you're talkin' about... what's it like?" Melville asked, wide-eyed.

"Try it yourself!" Olimar insisted, and passed the bong.

Meanwhile, the screen finally loaded up and the intro to _Super Smash Bros. for the Wii U_ started to play.

Lucario flexed his muscles. "Awww yeah! Prepare to have your asses handed to ya!"

"That's me!" Kirby yelled every time his pink visage appeared on-screen.

"Yeah, we get it, sheesh," Meta-Knight finally said.

King Dedede distributed the GameCube controllers to Lucario, GW, Meta-Knight, and Olimar. He took the Wii U Pro Controller for himself, handed Ike the GamePad, and passed Wii Remote + Nunchuks to Kirby and Melville.

"Aight, we missin' anything?" Dedede asked as they set up an 8-Player Smash game.

"Just your dignity," quipped Olimar. "Oh, wait. You don't have any."

"I'll make ya eat them Pikmin o' yours," Dedede retorted.

"Shut up, guys!" Ike yelled. "How the fuck did you put your name in like that?"

"You gotta click here," Lucario told him telepathically.

"Wow, that was a strong hit. And man... do I really look that creepy?" Melville asked, kind of shocked.

"Nigga, you creepier than John Waters himself," stated Dedede.

"BEEP BOOP!" Mr. Game and Watch cried.

"He's wonderin' why he's missin' from the roster," Olimar translated.

"Maybe there are unlockable characters," Lucario pointed out. "Yeah, he must be. Falco isn't even on here."

"Someone check GameFAQS for unlock conditions!" Dedede requested.

"Internet's down, numbnuts," said Kirby. "Plus, this is a pre-release version. Sakurai's still workin' on the final build."

Meta-Knight looked Mr. Game and Watch in his non-existent eyes. "Guys! What if GW was cut at the last second, like the Climbers?"

"BRIIIIIIIING!" (Don't even joke like that!)

Dedede played peacemaker. "Yeah, man. That ain't cool. And Kirby, pick a fuckin' character already!"

"Jesus, wait!" Kirby screamed. "I'm so confused. I mean, I probably should try _myself _out first, right?"

"It doesn't matter! You're gonna be playing this game for the next seven years! Just pick _someone_!"

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! If you have the time, please let me know what you liked or didn't and be sure to check out the next chapter!


	30. The Show Must Go On

**A/N:** Heya! Thanks for reading!

**This is PART TWO OF A TWO-PART UPDATE!** If you're just tuning in, don't miss **Chapter Twenty-Nine: I Remember You**!

**EDIT:** Fixed an issue in the Peach/Samus flashback, where it was unclear where the flashback turned into modern-day. Sorry about that!

* * *

**Chapter Thirty**

**The Show Must Go On**

**I. Don't Say "Lazy"**

"Honey, you really ought to lay down. You must be exhausted."

"Not yet!" Link all but screamed. He was pacing the high ramparts of a castle spire above the dormitory, inspecting the spread of SWAT Bots and ROBs. He'd already destroyed two Cypher droids and scared away a Camera Lakitu, so they were pretty safe. "No one sells sex stories about me without my consent and gets to call it a true story! There's gotta be a way we can take these jokers. All of them."

"Yes... and that can wait until tomorrow," Zelda explained calmly. She leaned against the stones and adjusted her dress, pushing her cleavage out towards her boyfriend. "We've done enough in one twenty-four hour period. Wouldn't you rather head back to my room?"

Link inspected her lustful eyes. _I don't know if I still have it in me to fuck. Not when the quest isn't over yet._

_I'm not asking you to fuck_, Zelda impressed upon him. _I'm asking you if this 'scouting' really sounds more fun than just drinking some hot cocoa and cuddling together under the covers._

"Did... did you just incept the idea of hot cocoa into my head?" Link said, and then busted out a major yawn.

"Yes! Yes, indeed, sleepyhead," Zelda pressed, and then took Link by the hand and led him past Snake's hammock and back down the staircase.

"Wait, I didn't agree to this!" cried he as he was yanked down the dorm hallway.

"You don't need to," Zelda informed him, and pushed open the door to her bedroom. It was spic-and-span, just the way she left it.

Before Link knew what was going on, he found his tunic and pants stripped off. Zelda had rolled back the covers, pushed him onto the bed, and whisked her own clothes off. She joined him under the sheets and immediately grabbed a hold of his penis.

Link was struggling to keep his eyes open.

"What are you..."

Zelda poured a little Chu Jelly onto her hand from a jar on the bedside table. "I'm performing an experiment. We'll see whether your horniness can overpower your sleepiness!"

With her hands covered in the intoxicating aphrodisiac, the princess started giving him a furious handjob.

Link relaxed his shoulders as she pumped him like a boss.

"Uh... oh, Zellie... I... ah... this... isn't a real experiment. Where's your control group?"

"You're using the wrong head," Zelda muttered. "Linkie Junior needs the blood your brain's trying to use to think."

She took a break from jacking Link off and rubbed her breasts in his face.

"Hmmm?" he said, delirious. "Wha-?"

"Suck on my nipples."

Link complied, and quickly fell into the groove again. His hands went to Zelda's hips and he began to knead her butt cheeks.

"Best ass in the universe," mumbled Link with a mouthful of nipple.

Even half-asleep, Link was able to keep a stiffy. Zelda used this to her advantage by immediately inserting it into her lovemaking receptacle. She was on her knees and adjusted her position inch by inch.

"There's a good dong," Zelda complimented him as she began rocking. "It knows its place."

"Oh, honey, it feels so... goooooood... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"You're not passing out on me that easily, soldier!"

Zelda slapped Link awake and looked deeply into his eyes, which were still kind of glassy.

"Hwuh?" he said.

"Ah! I'm... I'm sorry!"

Link's eyes were drooping again. "Apology... accepted."

To stop him from drifting off again, Zelda bit his ear.

"YEOWWCH!"

"FUCK ME HARD! Do it like you mean it!"

Link finally leapt up from his sitting position. He re-adjusted by having Zelda kneel before him and bend over. It was time to try it doggie-style.

He pounded her pussy from behind, and then folded his body over hers and took the princess' breasts in each hand.

"My love for you is like a truck BERSERKER!" Link screamed in the most bizarre accent, mirroring the character Olaf from Kevin Smith's _'Clerks'_ (1992). "Would you like to making fuck BERSERKER!"

Zelda's eyes went wide. "Wait. Did you just say 'making fuck'?"

She ducked as if the Grammar Police were going to burst in and take them away in body bags. One of the unfortunate things about regaining lost memories was that she recalled having certain irrational fears.

Link noticed the sudden yell as he drilled his man-meat into his girlfriend. "Zellie... are you by any chance worried about the Grammar Police again? You dreamed them up once, years ago. They... don't exist."

"Right. They don't exist..."

"Just like Hogwarts."

Zelda popped Link's dick from her pussy and turned to face him, enraged. "GO EAT A BAG OF DICKS HOGWARTS IS REAL OKAY!"

"Boy... that escalated quickly," Link noticed, and then turned his sad gaze towards his penis. "All that yelling made junior sad."

Zelda had only to touch Junior again and give him a few nice strokes to get him to maximum hardness again. She then laid down before him and let Link lift her legs above his shoulders. He savored the moment of penetrating her again by staring deeply into Zelda's eyes.

"I love you," he said, his thrusts gaining speed. "I'm so glad we're back."

"Me, too, honey," she replied with a big hug. "And I'm beyond happy you're talking about your feelings. Ahh... I'm so close to coming again..."

"YES! Do the damn thing!"

To which Link nodded off and fell asleep on top of her, his rock-hard dick still throbbing inside.

Zelda blinked.

"Hey. HEY WAKE UP! HEY! LISTEN!"

But Link continued to snore his fake, put-on snore.

"I know you're just kidding, babe. You don't have narcolepsy."

She slapped him in the face. Pinched his nose. Kissed him.

It made no difference. Link was out cold.

_I guess this is what 'blue balls' feels like_, she thought. The princess decided to just roll with it and continued grinding against him anyway.

* * *

Sonic escorted his friends to the airship Shadow rented.

"The airship dude said I could keep this one. The server reset repaired his whole fleet, and he was in a good mood. What a swell fella," said Shadow.

"I still can't believe he gave you guys your own island," Sonic said. "That Sakurai guy really came through in the end."

"You could always move in with us, too," Amy said bashfully.

"Better yet, just come on over to my place," Sonic insisted. "We'll have a big party with all the earnings from your bookies."

"Yeah, about that..." Knuckles said, stroking Pauline's leg (she was sitting on his lap). "We're going to have to find ways to extend our bookies earnings."

"Maybe people will want to take bets on Amiibo matches," Tails suggested.

"That'd be pretty cool, gotta say," Sonic said. "Text me if you're going to the party tonight."

He waved bye to the group as they flew off and dashed back to the Smashgrounds.

* * *

**II. The Ballad of Ash Ketchum, pt. I**

"Yo boss, we're on in ten," said Meowth.

"Pehhh-ka?" (Seconds?) Pikachu asked. He had just woken up in his bed of naked groupies, a mostly-smoked cigar in his mouth and the smell of Pika-semen overpowering his own Sweet Scent fragrance.

"Minutes," remarked the Meowth, who noted that his boss hadn't even gone through makeup yet. "And ya look terrible."

The yellow Pokemon walked on over to the mirror and washed the pussy juice off his hands.

"Chuuuuuu... Pi—KA-chu?" (How about that fucking asshat? Is he here yet?)

"He's excited as a kid on Christmas mornin'," Meowth replied. "Little does he know Saint Nick's a pedophile."

Pikachu gargled some Listerine. "Kaaaaaa!" (Then it's time for Santa to put his rape face on!)

* * *

Ash Ketchum twiddled his thumbs as he paced the area right behind the curtains. Here he was, on _The Monita Show. _Just two days before, he was sleeping in a downtown dumpster after having called in his last favor.

_Then who of all people should call but my old buddy, Pikachu himself! Of course, we weren't really all that close for the most part... and they replaced me on the show after the first season... but he must believe in me! Why else would he want to reunite on live television?_

"Would you like some coffee?" Monita's intern, a Fly Guy, asked Ash.

"Ah, ah, it's, uh, all right. Thanks! I've got the jitters as it is!"

Though he felt like a kid for saying it, Ash couldn't help it. He and Pikachu hadn't been seen together since _Pokemon Puzzle League_. And since then, their lives had been going in completely opposite directions. Just at the mention of being on television with the planet's most beloved Pokemon was too good of an opportunity to pass up. In fact, it felt like a dream come true.

"Gosh, I think I need to tinkle again," said Ash as he chewed down the last of his fingernails, giving himself an ingrown nail.

He took a peek at the backstage monitor. Monita, the talking monitor from Nintendo Land, was currently talking to Peppy and Lucy Hare, who had been reunited once again.

"And so... when your father disappeared... how did that feel?" asked Monita.

"Bad. Like, terrible. As if I got Falcon Punched in the gut while nine months pregnant. I heard that gorgeous Snake man shoot him. And then he fell to the floor. From getting my memories back, I now know he's died before but I still cry everytiem."

The audience expressed their sympathies by reading off the teleprompter and erupting into a chorus of 'awwwwwwwwwwwws'.

"And the worst part was when you saw the replay of his death on television," Monita added. "With his blood and guts all over the place."

After showing a brief, uncensored video of Solid Snake shooting Peppy, leaving him dead on the floor, the camera zoomed into Lucy's big, watery eyes. She held onto her father, who patted her on the back lovingly.

"There, there, darlin'," Peppy reassured her. "The war's over now. CAST has been fixered-uppered, all righty. Yer papa ain't a-goin' nowhere."

"A very emotional reunion," Monita observed. "Touching. I would cry, but being a computer, I simply can't, and in fact, I cannot feel anything at all. Even my sexual input sockets are cold as a Freezie."

The audience fell into another chorus of 'awwwwwwwwwww's.

"Donate to Peppy and Lucy's charities, everyone. Thank you for coming by."

Peppy and Lucy nodded and waved to the audience as they were escorted out of their seats.

"Stay tuned folks, after the break, we've got a most unexpected reunion. Pikachu is going to meet up with the original Ash Ketchum for the first time in over a decade!"

One of Monita's interns handed Peppy a check as they walked backstage.

The lights went down and the hovering monitor cleared her throat. She plugged herself into a car battery and began making moaning noises.

The remaining minutes were filled with agony for Ash, and with no sign of Pikachu. Finally, with moments to spare, the Pokemon walked out from the back room alongside Meowth and stood far away from the former actor.

"Pikachu!" Ash called with a smile.

But the Pokemon didn't even turn to glance in his direction, instead puffing on his lit cigar.

Monita's intern came by once again. "All right, people! Places! You three are fine. Lights on! We're going on air in three... two... one..."

The crane camera panned down from The Monita Show title to show who else but that lovable Nintendo Land Host, Monita, who basically resembled a flat-screen monitor on a series of metal sticks. A television beside her showed clips matching her droll line readings.

"Welcome back to _The Monita Show_'s hourlong special," Monita said. "Pokemon have been around longer than many of us, including myself. They are beautiful and fascinating creatures, and thanks to the recently lifted embargo on all Real-World information, I can reveal to you that Pokemon – yes, even the television show – exploded in popularity after the release of two seminal games for Nintendo's Game Boy handheld platform. In Japan, these were known as Pokemon Red and Green. Internationally, Blue version replaced Green version, probably because Blastoise market-tested better on the cover. Anyway, the star of those games was a trainer named Red. However, Red was not overly fond of television, so when it came to filming the show, a CAST member named Ash Ketchum was created."

The TV showed Ash Ketchum emerging from his CAST genetic pod.

"Sadly, Ash was let go at the end of the filming for the first season, to be replaced by lookalike Red, who kept his name as 'Ash'. While Red and Pikachu became International Superstars, the original Ash fell into a downward spiral. His stuff was stolen from his apartment. Abandoned by his uncaring mother, he developed a drug habit and lived on the streets. Now Ash and Pikachu are both here today with us for the first time in years. Please welcome... Ash Ketchum!"

The applause was warm but the Pokemon Trainer finally made his way onto the stage, barely able to walk straight from his knocking knees. Ash waved to the audience, holding back the tears that were already beginning to well in his eyes.

"Hey! Hey, everyone!" he called out happily.

"Welcome, Ash," Monita began. "Tell us an amusing anecdote to appease the ravenous audience."

"Well, just yesterday, some shady unicorns tried to lure me to Candy Mountain. But halfway there, some weird wizard guy broke into song, and then my willie got kind of hard. When I woke up, there was this big gash over my torso, like where my kidneys are."

Ash pulled up his shirt. The audience was so silent you could have heard two Pikmin fucking.

"Um, uh... I'm just so happy to be here, Monita! I love your show! And everyone! This is just... I never thought it would happen!"

"Wow. Such excite. Very unoriginal. No wonder you were fired."

A large neon sign dropped from the ceiling that read 'SICK BURN!' The studio audience burst into laughter, following the prompts.

"Who gives a shit about this asshat? Where's Pikachu?"

"PI! KA! PI! KA!" the crowd chanted.

Monita continued. "How does it feel, Ash, seeing these old clips from the show?"

"Um, uh, it feels real nice. It reminds me... Pikachu and I... by the end of season one, we'd come a long, long way together. Through the hard times and the good. During my short time on the show, it was the meaning in my life. It was the inspiration."

Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" began playing from the speakers, echoing Ash's words.

"_Gotta have you near me! Gotta have you hear me sayin'..._

_No one needs you more than I... need... you..."_

As the bridge kicked in with its emotional guitar solo, the main lights were killed. Spotlights went to the guest curtain, and Pikachu emerged from it in the midst of a rock-star knee-slide, wailing on a keytar.

Fireworks erupted in the room and fangirls used 'Screech' as the electric Pokemon smashed he keytar into the floor. Though his defense sharply dropped, Pikachu made an adorable pout and rolled around on the ground, blinking his gigantic eyes.

The audience went absolutely ecstatic with bliss as the ultra-cute Pikachu dashed up and down the aisles, high-fiving his many adoring fans. He rubbed his cheeks against one woman's breasts before signing them.

He spent so long greeting everyone and mugging for the cameras that by the time he took his seat between Ash and Monita, it was almost to the next commercial break.

"Let's see a hug," Monita insisted. "That was kind of the whole point of us getting the rights to that song."

Ash and Pikachu kind of stared each other down before the assistant director made the motion to cut to commercial. Monita rolled her digital eyes as the camera studied her face before craning up and away.

"Our corporate overlords demand that you be instructed on what to purchase. Enjoy your mandatory seven-minute commercial break, humans. There shall be a hug after we return, so don't go anywhere!"

The lights and cheesy music winded down during the commercial break. Curtains flopped to a close, shutting out the stage from view of the audience. Monita left the scene in search of some car batteries to munch on.

* * *

**III. The Ballad of Ash Ketchum, pt. II**

Without acknowledging Ash, Pikachu leaned back in his seat, pulled out a Cuban cigar, and started smoking it.

"Hey, Pikachu," said Ash, but he got no response. It was as if the Pokemon wasn't even in the same room.

Instead, from the shadows emerged a man in a blue suit and ridiculous haircut. He was carrying a clip-board. By his side was Meowth, who was wiping the groupies' lipstick stains off of his face.

"Mr. Ketchum," began the guy, "My name is Phoenix Wright, Private Attorney, and I'm here representing Mr. Chu here today. He would like to show you something, off the record."

"Uh... sure?" Ash replied, a little confused.

Mr. Wright brought out a Kindle Fire DX and put it in Ash's hands. He started up a video.

Pikachu was on-screen, speaking in his own language. Subtitles translated his words.

"Hey Ash. Long time no see, buddy. I've got a few things I'd like to show you."

The camera zoomed out to show that Pikachu was standing atop a large bulldozer. Before the dozer was a collection of all of Ash's most precious belongings, including his game consoles, computer, Deadpool comics collection, and unopened original super-rare _Star Wars _1978 "Telescoping Lightsaber" Darth Vader (the real specimen of which has about $6000 retail value).

"H-hey, that's all my stuff that was stolen from me!" Ash exclaimed.

His heart skipped several beats as Pikachu turned on the bulldozer and ran over the collection of his former trainer's treasures.

"My precious!" yelled Ash as his mint-condition Collector's Editions of the _Metroid Prime Trilogy_ and _Xenoblade Chronicles_ were flattened. His Yoko Littner dakimakura got smushed.

Before Ash could confront Pikachu about all this, though, the video changed to show Pikachu standing outside of Ash's run-down trailer. The Pokemon snapped Ash's Pokedex in half and dropped its pieces on the floor. Pikachu then lit another Cuban cigar, and then dropped his match on the ground. The match lit a stream of gasoline that ran up to the small trailer and engulfed it completely in flames.

"NO! My home!" Ash cried.

"Peeeeh-ka," Pikachu mumbled.

Meowth whispered into Phoenix Wright's ear. Phoenix conveyed the message to Ash.

"My client would like to inform you that you should save your energy, since he's just getting started."

The next video showed some shakicam footage from inside Ash's house. Meowth who was evidently behind the camera, spun the lens around to show himself.

"So, we's at the Ketchum's," Meowth said with a wink. "Gon' have ourselves a blast. I've been savin' myself for the last three days, an' I just took a Viagra. Actually, we all did. Hoo boy."

He then spun the camera around to show his hard cock, before turning to show the rest of the bedroom.

On a queen-sized bed, Ms. Ketchum was sucking Mr. Mime's dick while Pikachu fucked her pussy and Lucario ate out her asshole.

"Oh, yeah! Harder! HARDER!" Ash's mom cried out.

"PIKA! PIIIIIKAAAA!"

Ash's eyes bulged out of their sockets. He yanked his red hat off and leapt from his seat.

"HOW COULD YOU?!" he yelled. Ash would have thrown his hat at the Pokemon, too, if Pikachu's massaging Machamp hadn't shown up out of nowhere and forced Ash back into his seat, nearly snapping his arm off. The Machamp's strong arms held his shoulders into place.

"THIS IS MADNESS!" Ash exclaimed as the next videos showed his mother being taken in all sorts of positions by dozens of different Pokemon. Alazakam and Professor Oak double-teamed her face as she took turns jacking them both off and using her tongue. Lickitung ate her out. Even Brock, Gary, and Tracey were engaged in a bukkake session with the rather insatiable MILF.

"How do you like bein' gang-banged?" Brock asked.

"There's nothing I love more than the taste of cum," she replied, and licked them all dry. "I'm sure happy my kid moved out."

"Mom! NOO!"

"After we spent a couple o' weeks programming her to enjoy casual sex, she started running a business, sellin' her body out to Pokemon at all hours o' the day," Meowth explained. "Your mom's a real pro. She really gets off on the attention."

Another video had Pikachu balls-deep into Misty, pounding her hard. They were on the floor of the Water Gym. Pikachu had torn off Misty's bikini top and bottom. With her legs stretched up to her shoulders, Pikachu could fuck her while standing on his stubby feet, his hands gripping her perfect ass cheeks.

"PIIIKA!" Pikachu cried aloud as he bottomed out within the Water-Type gym leader.

"How do ya like it?" Meowth translated. "Tell the camera!"

"AHHH! You're so much better than Ash!" moaned Misty. "He has such a tiny, insignificant thimble-cock and no finesse in his technique! You're the best, Pikachu! I've never been so wet! I never knew you had it in you to take my pussy in my own gym! Oh, pound me harder!"

"KAAAAA!" (Take my jizz!)

Pikachu used Withdraw!

The Pokemon pulled out and came all over Misty's chest and face.

_It's not very effective..._

Misty smiled and wiped off the semen.

While watching this, Ash squirmed against Machamp's grasp. Cascading tears fell down his tortured face like a Waterfall. "MAKE IT STOP! I can't take any more!"

"Pika," the Pokemon said at last, and snapped his fingers.

Meowth handed Ash a clip-board with some signable stuff on there.

"W-what is this?" Ash asked, crying.

"It says you're gonna work with us on a new show, and no matter what, ya won't say or imply anythin' negative, nuttin' bad at all, about what you just saw or will ever see involvin' us, nor hold us liable for no shit. Hurry up an' sign it."

"Shouldn't I read it first? Can't I get an attorney to look it over?"

"Pay me six hundred coins and I'll have a look," Phoenix Wright told him.

"Er... but I'm broke," said Ash sadly. "And isn't that a conflict of interest?"

"I'll take that as a yes. You'll get the bill in the mail," Phoenix replied. "Anyway, so, like, basically, you're going to participate in a new type of experimental show with Pikachu. All scripts will be written by Pikachu and all episodes directed by him. It'll be a reality show."

"What's the concept?" Ash asked, wiping away his tears.

"Pikaaaaaaa! Chuuuu!" Pikachu exclaimed. He'd just spotted a telling hand signal from the assistant director.

"Got no time to explain," said Meowth, who shoved a pen into Ash's hand. "We're on air in thirty seconds. Sign it now, or we'll drop you like a hot potato on live TV!"

"B-b-b-but-"

"KAAAAAA!" (DO EEET FAGGOT!)

Meowth pulled on his whiskers. "He says to hurry up!"

"I... I can understand you without a translator, you know..." Ash told Pikachu as Monita whirred back into place. The trainer's hand quivered as he scribbled his signature on the dotted line.

Pikachu's face played home to a mischievous grin, one of complete and utter domination. "Piiiiiiiiiiiika. Pi-KA-chu." (You've chosen wisely. Now smile for me, Ketchum. Smile, or else your Mom will be sleeping with the Octilleries and Luvdiscs.)

Colorful spotlights and the live jazz band kicked back in as the curtains opened once more and the camera craned down to show Monita and her guests.

"Welcome. Back," Monita said. "Two old friends reunite on the eve of the Smashers' return. Will they be able to put the suffocating noose of the past behind them? Pikachu, what say you?"

Pikachu blinked his cute little eyes. "Pika... Pika pikaaaaachu pika. Chuuuuu. Piiii chu chu. Pi. Pika pi!" (For most of the last sixteen years, I would have said 'no'. After the first season, I found it very difficult to forgive you for all the hurt and pain you caused me."

_Hurt and pain? What is he talking about? _Ash wondered. "I... I'm sorry, Pikachu. I don't think I understand."

"PIKA PIKA!" (You inappropriately touched a lot of Pokemon, without their consent!)

The studio audience was told to exclaim out loud in shock, and that they did.

"That's not true!" Ash yelled. "That's a lie! I never touched anyone like that but myself... alone, at night! You were the one who bullied me back then. And you kept electrocuting me, just for fun! It was you who fired me out of the blue! I still don't know what happened all those years ago!"

Pikachu pretended to cry. "Pikaaaaaa."

Meowth cleared his throat. "Even now you're trying to turn our past back on me. What did I ever do to you?"

Ash would have replied differently, but the Machamp from across the way was making motions with its four fists that resembled his head getting crushed against a mortar and pestle.

"Um... er... that is... I was just joking about all the times you electrocuted me!" Ash said at last. "Ha... ha... weren't those fun?"

Pikachu grinned like The Joker. "You bet they were!"

He then electrocuted Ash with a very powerful Thunderbolt attack, which had the poor Trainer collapsing to the floor in agony.

"Uncle! Uncle!" Ash cried, but the laughter coming from the audience only prolonged his fate.

At the end of the half-minute-long electrocution session, Pikachu took a bow as the studio erupted into applause.

Ash was left spasming on the floor, a steady stream of drool dripping from his mouth as he twitched against the aftershocks.

"Isn't he adorable when he's curled up all pathetic like that?" Monita said. "What a lucky man. Despite his faults, he was chosen by Pikachu himself to be his co-star in a ground-breaking reality show. The Pikachu giveth, and the Pikachu taketh away."

Pikachu shocked Ash again for good measure.

"So... tell us a little about this reality show of yours," Monita pressed on.

"Ka! Chuuuu. Pika piiiiika."

Meowth made extravagant hand motions, like a Sicilian mobster. "It's gon' be real edgy. A no-holds barred look at life inside a top-security mental asylum."

"M-m-m-mental as-s-sy-l-lum?" Ash screamed in between his mad twitching.

"That's right. You're a-goin' to Arkham," said Phoenix Wright. "There, you'll be given extra special treatment. We'll even have an Alakazam broadcasting video of your mom and Misty straight into your cell – I mean, room – twenty-four hours a day, so that you'll never lose contact with your loved ones!"

Ash could see it already: a non-stop feed of sexual footage featuring his mom and first and only girlfriend, broadcasted into his brain at all hours. He was about to exclaim aloud in agony and cry for help, but Pikachu's dead-serious expression and throat-slitting hand motion had him doing otherwise. He all but forced his lips to curl into a smile.

"A-a-and how l-l-long are w-w-we go-go-gonna do this ex-p-p-p-periment?"

"PIKA!" (As long as the ratings are good, we'll pay her market price! You wouldn't want your poor mother to be disappointed in her only son, would you?) Pikachu announced.

Even with his lips curled upwards, Ash began tearing up.

Upon seeing this, Pikachu crossed his arms. "PI! Pikapi!" (This kind of angst won't do! Fetch me the dead Magikarp!)

Meowth brought out the smelly fish, which the Electric-Type proceeded to use to slap the hollowly smiling, defeated Ash in the face, much to the enjoyment of the barbaric and easily-pleased crowd. Children laughed at the thoroughly humiliated Pokemon Trainer as he was smacked repeatedly with the bloody fish.

Behind his smile, Ash's soul sank immensely. He had just enslaved his life, his entire body, to a power-hungry Pikachu, with nothing to show for it but facial bruises, frayed strands of hair, and his ex and mother having been turned into obedient sex slaves.

And the absolute worst thing was not knowing _why. _Not knowing _what _he had done to deserve such treatment.

Next, Pikachu had five large fresh pizzas brought out. He peeled off slice after slice and used them, one after another, to slap Ash sideways repeatedly.

The disrespect was real. Near-smoldering hot cheese stung the poor Trainer's tear-soaked cheeks. Two pieces hit him at a time. Toppings stuck in his eyes. All the while, Pikachu continued laughing at the pepperoni pieces that stuck to his cheeks.

Like one last, fading light claimed by an Eternal Darkness, something within Ash died that day, never to return.

He didn't even flinch when, after the show had wrapped, he was tossed unceremoniously out into the streets, stark naked. He spent the next fifteen minutes slumped over, crying.

Camera Lakitus flanked the fallen celebrity, getting gratuitous close-ups of his pock-marked and worn face, as well as his naked form. The guy had appeared to have aged five years within the last ten minutes.

After several women had called the police in shock upon seeing a nude human (which was now against the law, thanks to Fiona), a paddy wagon with _Arkham Asylum _printed on its side wheeled up to the trainer. Two Weaviles and a Scizor pinned him to the ground, broke a rib, ushered him into the back of the wagon, and strapped his limbs up in a strait jacket.

Ash continued to rock back and forth in stunned silence.

The sad punchline was thus: though the pain that lay ahead may be too hard to bear alone, Ash knew that he could only faint. He could never ever die. And neither could he kill himself.

Virtual immortality: such was the curse of being a CAST Member.

As a Hyper Beam from a Lvl100 Gyarados would but faint a Pidgey, Pikachu's dark promise of an entire television's season worth of torment wreacked havoc upon his mind.

The hopelessness gnawed at him like a teething Bibarel on a flight-impaired Phantump.

Ash's situation was thus: like a OHKO Horn Drill from a Lvl100 Rhyperior hitting a Lvl5 Timburr, fainting was all that could become of him. Death stood waiting endlessly on the other side of an impenetrable curtain, a friend forever unattainable.

The paddy wagon drove off into the distance, flanked by Camera Lakitus.

Pikachu and Meowth looked on as they made their way out to their limo. All the while, the press was frantically flooding them with questions.

"Mr. Pikachu! Is this even ethical?" a reporter from Russia Today asked.

"Pika."

Meowth cleared his throat. "He says, 'ethics is a luxury he can't afford to indulge in'."

An Onion News Network rep raised his hand. "Mr. Chu, sir, I do believe you've done more for American television than anyone else here. But you've gone too far for your art. Mr. Ketchum has rights."

"Peeeeeeeeehhhh." (Had. He signed them away.)

Funky Kong, a contributor to the local Vice Magazine saluted him. "Just gotta say, I been followin' you for a decade now, an' that was hot shit, Pikachu! In fact, I can see the steam oozing outta your mouth from all that shit you ate! Naw, that wasn't cold diarrhea, motherfucker. Far from it!"

The Pokemon muttered a quick "Pika" before getting into the limo and sparking up another cigar.

Meowth translated the cryptic statement. "He said: I'll say this, and this alone: mofo had it coming. No further comments."

They drove away, kicking up dust at the nosy reporters.

* * *

**IV. Great Balls of Fire**

At long last, Mega Man was alone in his room.

He summoned Rush, who jumped around in excitement.

"Ain't that nice, they copied it from our room at CAPCOM. What gents!"

"Woof!" Rush woofed.

The place was spotless. Even his collection of game consoles was updated with next-gen systems.

Mega Man lined up all of his E-Tanks and accessories along the tool rack installed in the walk-in closet.

He adjusted the framed photo of his 25th birthday party just above the headboard of his bed.

He even modded the vacuum shower, putting it on maximum intensity. He stepped into the tube and hit the big button. A powerful suction cleansed Mega Man.

Next, the android covered himself in auto wax and installed the Buffer Arm, a mod that Dr. Light made on the Blue Bomber's request so that he could keep himself shimmering.

While buffing his own body, Mega Man walked on out the Venetian doors to his private balcony overlooking the garden that provided the view for the male dormitory levels.

Falco said that the layout had been changed to make the dorms separated by gender. Which sucked, since all the android could imagine was Princess Peach's legs wrapping around him.

Mega Man closed his eyes and accessed his built-in browser.

Now that the ban on all Nintendo data was lifted, he could now access Peach's page on Paheal dot net.

_Rule 34 is best rule._

Mega Man's newly installed penis stood at attention.

_I'd better take care of myself,_ he thought. _I can't let my dick get in the way of my brain during my first date with the princess!_

He pictured himself staring goggle-eyed at Peach's breasts as she sat across from him at some fancy-pants human food restaurant.

"My eyes are up here," she'd say, a little annoyed.

And he would fall to pieces, his heart shattered in two. They would never elope and get married. Never go karting together. Never get bored of one another and write personal ads in the paper about piña coladas and getting caught in the rain.

"That shall not be my fate!" Mega Man exclaimed. He punched the wall. "I'm getting the girl!"

_I'm going to jack off so hard, my dick will be too tired to interfere with my game tonight. The real prize isn't tonight. Tonight, the goal is not to fuck up, like Zidane did in the 2006 World Cup when he headbutted that dude in the chest and cost France the game. Many Italians had glorious sex that evening._

Mega Man whisked inside, pulled the curtains shut, and plopped down in bed. He scrolled through the Rule 34 pics before realizing the dog was in bed with him, wagging his tail. He had a wrench in his mouth.

"I'll tighten yer nuts later, Rush. Get me the WD-40."

Rush spat out the wrench and coughed up an aluminum spray can.

"Good boy. Now go hang out in the living room."

The dog whined, not wanting to leave.

"Git!" he yelled. "Daddy's gonna need himself a _LOT _of alone time before his date."

Finally, Rush left to watch _Django Unchained_ on Netflix. And his master began pleasuring himself in peace.

Or so the robotic canine thought.

In approximately seven minutes and forty-four seconds, a horrific series of noises was heard from the bedroom.

The first one was that of molten metal smoldering. The second involved the sheets, and then the ceiling catching fire.

And third, Mega Man's voice sliced through the door. An F-sharp note, for those keeping score.

"MY DICK! LORD ASIMOV NOOOOO!"

Much like the Kool-Aid Man (PSA: don't drink that stuff, kids. It contains no natural ingredients), Mega Man went bursting through the door into the living room, knocking down his entire home theater setup and dripping molten metal from his superheated member.

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" he bellowed. "That wasn't WD-40 you gave me!"

As for the fifth sound, the Fire Alarm was set off. Sprinklers soaked the apartment. The front door was busted open and in swarmed a brigade of Game and Watch firemen, who immediately switched on their massive hose.

Steam sublimated upon touching Mega Man's genitals. The Blue Bomber turned away from his melting privates to read the label on the can.

_Cornerian Jet Fuel._

"You'll pay for this, Star Fox!"

Rush could no longer ignore the smell. He ran and hid underneath the bed.

"BAD DOG!" Mega Man yelled as he fell to his knees. "Do not give that furry sonofabitch the time of day!"

The Camera Lakitu panned from a close-up of Mega Man's face, to the unfortunate Platinum penis installed by the BWB scientists, which was still squirming out its final gasps of life and spurting oil every which way, and finally to the canister of telltale jet fuel.

At the station, the semi-live video editors slapped on a clip of Mr. Krabs playing the smallest violin in the world.

Mega Man grabbed the camera and crushed it. He pointed his Mega Buster at the Lakitu.

"You've got your video, now get the hell out before I break your face."

The Lakitu backed off. "Sorry, mate. Please don't go Christian Bale on me."

Mega Man just sulked, as if he were trying to pick up on Gothic MILFs at a screening of Donnie Darko. He prodded the melting, sputtering remnants of his dick, and then whipped out a dustpan and swept it up.

"I've heard about it making you blind. I never knew it could melt off. This should definitely be covered under warranty. Let's Roll, Rush."

Mega Man slipped on a bath robe and dropped his throbbing Johnson into a mason jar. He hopped on Rush from his balcony and jetted on over to the Tomodachi Life compound.

Once again, Mega Man pictured Princess Peach. And how they would never kiss upside down in the rain. Or never go to a Drive-In movie or meet the in-laws. Never commission a robotic child and name it "Louie" only to abandon it in the forest after it almost kills someone after having an identity crisis. Never have the marriage fall apart without a prenup, never gossip about Mario, never stay up painting one another's toenails, never try to assassinate one another and so on and so forth.

_C'mon bro. Gotta be positive about this. I gotta get to those Doctors, at all costs. _

* * *

**V. Issues**

"So, Mr. Mac, what is it we're working on today?"

Little Mac stared up at the boring ceiling of Robin's drab office and wondered why he was even here.

"It's kinda hard ta talk about, doc."

"Let's get one thing straight," said Robin as he filed his nails. "I'm no doctor. I'm a tactician, just tryin' to help my fellow man. As a relative newcomer, I hope to help you guys bring a fresh eye to some of the issues... plaguing this place. Yes, that is the right term. Anyway, being a listening ear is the least I can do. For a price. So I'll tell it to ya from the mouth of babes: if you want the most value for your cash, get talkin' and be quick about it."

"Uh, right. So what should I call ya then?"

"Robin. Robbie. Roberto. Call me Ruthbert if you want to, but get on with your tale. Please. I'm riveted."

"You can't out-sarcasm a New Yorker," Little Mac criticized him.

"Maybe not. But it's a part of the technique we're going to use. It's called 'Salt Farming'."

"Exqueeze me?"

"Throughout the course of the exercise, I will be insulting you. Observing your reactions to these insults allows me to diagnose various neuroses. I invented it myself, it's rather effective."

"You're kidding, right? That sounds fucktarded, like magnitudes of pathetic."

"Like some bitch-ass civilian like you would know. Shorty."

"WHAT DID YA CALL ME?!"

"Ah! Success! See, we can now deduce that you are suffering from what some people call a Napoleon Complex."

"Ain't nothin' complex about me. Doc Louis once told me I shoulda picked 'Little Soft in the Head' as my nickname. Can you explain like I'm five?"

"Le sigh. Sure, Mac. Just between us guys... and we're all guys here..."

"Yeah, straight, manly, buff guys. Hairy jerky-eatin', chainsaw-totin' guys who doesn't afraid of nobody."

"Amen and Cowabunga, brother. So just between us..."

"Uh huh..."

"How big is your dong?"

"RIGHT!" Little Mac stood from his chaise. His back was covered in sweat. "Okay, this session's over. I want my money back."

"Please! Give the technique a chance!" Robin exclaimed, running after the boxer. "I swear, Mac. If you aren't feeling better after this session, I'll give you your money back and a crate of penis enlargement pills!"

"_Fuck_ a _duck_," said Little Mac.

But Robin was insistent. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and made a bet on a long shot.

"It's Captain Falcon, isn't it? He's got your panties in a twist."

Little Mac stopped in his tracks and turned around, stunned. "How did you..."

"It's my job, Mac," Robin replied. "It's obvious you guys go way back. Do you want to maybe start by havin' a seat so we can talk about it?"

"Ugh. I guess I got nothin' to lose. How much you wanna know?"

"Start from the beginning."

"Well, now that you put it that way... lesse... Falcon and I were buds from waaaay back. We frequented Nintendo's top clubs."

"What was the interest?"

"Oh, music, dancing. Drinks. And the chicks. Yeah, definitely the chicks. Man, they were hot. With full-on pixel boobs."

"Go on."

"So we, naturally, would make sex with these women. Over and over again. We were fuckin' left and right. Fuckin' everything that moved and had two holes down there. We were the Eiffel Tower of Power."

Robin scoffed in disgust. "That is the shittiest name since someone decided to call their band _Skid Row_..."

"You had to have been there. It was funny at the time. Sometimes I'd close my eyes and little fairies would be feeding me mescaline. Pauline and Mach Rider kept on giggling. Sometimes I'd blink, and suddenly, poof! There I am. I... am General Custer in _Custer's Revenge_. Fornicating with an 8-bit woman tied to a cactus. It's the damnedest thing. See, what's fucked up is, since that dream started recurring, I get these visions... like, in the middle of the day. Long-dead chieftains told me we were desecratin' their burial grounds. And every time, shit you not, Doc Louis, he'd be sittin' on the sidelines, offering tips, like when to slow down, or change positions. Just sayin', I seen some shit. But yeah. Cap and I. And the chicks. Woo. Yeah, he sure knows how to work 'em. How I'd like to give some of them a nice slapping. Because girls make my stiffy go up. Like _normal_ men."

"You seem a bit unnecessarily insistent there, with regards to your quote-unquote 'normality'."

"Whaddaya mean?"

"It's like you're trying to convince yourself, not me, of something. Never you mind," said Robin, scribbling ominously in his notepad. "Continue."

"You think I's a closeted homophobe, don't ya?"

"That's kind of a strong word, wouldn't you say?"

"I just happen to think that a relationship should be between two willing, adult heterosexuals! What's wrong widdat?" asked Little Mac.

"There's nothing wrong with thinking that, just maybe try not telling other people what they can or can't do," said Robin.

"But what about my freedom o' speech? I got a right to tell 'em fags to stay outta my beeswax. I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna know about it!"

"There's no point trying to keep blinders over your eyes forever. Join us in the real world, where sexuality is a spectrum, not a binary choice!" Robin insisted.

"You could try drugs," suggested Robyn, who had snuck up behind the boxer and refilled his cup of Joe. "We have quite the selection."

"No thanks," said Little Mac. "I don't use performance enhancers."

"Don't worry your head about 'standards' or 'perfection' when just getting by is enough," Robyn told him after tousling her hair. "I guess what I'm saying is: take it easy on yourself, and maybe then you'll be able to find a way to do the same for others."

"That's some sound advice," Robin said, drooling over his lover's wise words.

Just then, The Machine That Goes 'Ping' went 'Ping'.

"Sorry, ol' sport," said Robin. "Time's up for this session. That'll be fifty coins."

Little Mac coughed up the change and stood from his chaise before shoving his gloves in his pockets.

"Yeah, fuck your mother. I mean, thanks, doc. Seeya in two days."

"Such a sad little man," said Robin as the door closed behind the poor boxer.

"If you're talking about your penis, baby, don't be so hard on yourself," Robyn told him as she reached down her male counterpart's trousers and fondled the family jewels. "There's plenty here for me."

"You know I love it when you talk to me like that, Yoko," said Robin, who matched his lover's intense gaze with his own and began snogging the fuck outta her.

Just then, the door opened, and who should be standing there but Lucina.

The Time Traveler's cheeks turned blood red.

"You have no shame! None at all!"

"My, you're early," said Robyn, standing up to fetch their new client a cup of tea.

"And you're completely unprofessional fools."

Robin took off his coat. "Have a seat, dear. Let's talk about the man whom you claim is your father."

Robyn handed Lucina her tea. "One lump, or two?"

Lucina took four.

"He's not your daddy," Robin continued.

"Is too."

"Right. Honey, hand me one of those Smash Balls."

Robyn opened a file cabinet just a hair and a Smash Ball popped out. She slammed it shut before the others could escape.

"Good, now let's aim for it... now!"

Both Robins caught the floating sphere in a series of combos. At last, Robin acquired the orb's strange power and used it.

"CHROM!" Robin yelled.

An inter-dimensional portal opened, and Chrom was to be seen sleeping over a bar in another realm, a half-finished ale in hand. Or at least, he was sleeping for an instant, because he jolted awake at the mention of his name.

"ON MY MARK!" Chrom replied, and had just drawn his sword and leapt from his barstool when he spotted the tacticians and Lucina in Robin's office.

"Hey! Fellas!"

Chrom hopped the counter and landed in the office.

"Chrom! Good to see you, buddy," Robin said and hugged his good friend.

Robyn followed suit.

"Father!" Lucina exclaimed, and hugged him deeply.

Chrom furrowed his brow. "It's good to see you, Lucina."

Tears welled in her eyes. "I'll never leave your side again, father."

"H-hey... Lucy... is everything all right?"

As he looked rather concerned, Robin and Robyn tediously explained everything that had happened to the duo since their last meeting and how Lucina still seemed to be living under the impression that the plot of _Fire Emblem Awakening _was in fact her actual history.

"I get it, you discovered Method acting. So now you're Method as fuck," said Chrom. "And I dig that. But let's get one thing straight. I can't pretend to be a father to you. I didn't raise you. Whatever images of me you have, they're... backstory implants. I'm sorry."

Lucina tried to picture the technology. It seemed so strongly like witchcraft to her.

"I don't understand. Back... story... in... plants? Forgive me... but... plants don't speak."

The rest of the time of Lucina's session was taken up by the trio attempting to explain the plot of _Blade Runner _to her, to no avail.

"I can see that this will take some further reflection," Lucina said at last, resigning herself. "Father... I mean, Chrom... I... thank you for taking the time to see me."

Filled with pity, Chrom hugged her. "Be strong, Lucy. Here's my card."

He handed her a business card with contact info.

"Where have you been, anyway?" Robin asked his fellow performer.

"The Great CAST-wide War," replied Chrom.

Robyn tilted her head. "Huh?"

"Don't tell me you haven't heard. Your Supreme Overlord is turning the digital Multiverse into her big enchilada. It's getting worse by the hour."

"It seems life's getting cheaper by the second," Robyn said rather grimly.

"If it's true that human greed has ruined the planet for generations, then maybe it's just that a system like ours, one based upon human caricatures, is also destined for self-destruction," observed Robin. "...or maybe life is just '_Avenue Q_', and we're all gay muppets with people's hands shoved up our asses."

Chrom raised an eyebrow. "Are you reading Nietzsche or something? Because you need to lighten the fuck up, Robin. Watch over Lucy here."

Lucina was still trying to digest the truth that Chrom bore little resemblance to the father she had convinced herself she had.

_I don't need to save him. He isn't going to die. We're all... free._

She recalled a quote from Lao Tzu:

_When I let go of what I am... I become what I might be._

* * *

**VI. Smells Like (Insert Focus-Tested Cause Here) Spirit**

Don Luigi and Falco walked into their office. What used to be a replica of Don Coreleone's sanctified office had now been transformed into a pastel-colored and candy cane striped hell.

"The fuck is this doing in my office?!" Luigi yelled. "Who designed this a-shit, Dolores Umbridge?!"

"It was I," said Supreme Overlord Fiona. "And it's my office now."

"Who died and made you Queen anyway?"

"I did that myself. The people have spoken."

"Well, that mini bar is my property!" the Don insisted. He and Falco grabbed the wheelbarrow that they normally used to shovel money into the vault and filled it with the alcoholic bottles.

"Get your filthy poison out of my sight," Fiona growled.

"What about all my accounts?"

"I had your people keep on with business as usual. I didn't mess with your system, it's pretty efficient. You may continue to regulate all underground and illegal activity, but I expect full reports, bi-weekly."

"The only reason my smuggling ring works is 'coz I al-a-ways get the final say. I don't want a-you breathing down my neck."

"You're in no position to make those demands, Don."

"Then consider it a professional request."

"I'll consider it, all right."

"Do you want my friendship, or not?"

"You think this city will fall apart without your patriarchal dynasty ruling by force?"

"The whole idea is to use the least amount of force. We've always been an Anarchy. And it's served us well."

"It's turned this place into a haven for rape."

"Show me one rape case!" Luigi exclaimed.

"Daisy VS Iwata. Minnie VS Mickey Mouse. Indiana Jones VS George Lucas."

"Hang on. Daisy was just knocked out, I thought. And those last two cases aren't even local," Falco Lombardi argued. "We're just handling 'em because our courts have a great rep."

"And what about Nana?" Fiona screamed, pointing at the female Ice Climber as she and her ex were watching from the hallway.

"What about me?" Nana asked.

"Didn't you get raped by Pac-man?!"

"It was consensual-" she began.

"Seventy to eighty percent of cases go unreported," insisted Fiona.

"In the USA, sure," Falco said. "Not here. We're more dancer than human. C'mon, you can bullshit better than that."

"This meeting is adjourned. I need to work on my next novel," Fiona said out of nowhere.

"We aren't done here," Luigi told her. "Not until you step down."

"I do believe you are," said the two SWAT Bots, whose hands were on their shoulders.

Luigi gave his best 'angry Bogart' stare.

And so it was that Falco and the Don moved to a smaller office down the hall, far from Fiona's prying eyes.

Along the way, they saw Toon Link and Shulk standing ahead and waving.

"Ello, guv'nor!" Shulk called out to Falco and the Don, who were each carrying an armload of office equipment.

"What in the blazes..." Luigi wondered. He stopped in his tracks, checked left and right, and continued walking down the hallway.

Right beside him, Falco also proceeded just as cautiously.

The moment the duo matched their steps forward, though, they both tripped over a piano wire, went careening down face-first, and landed in a heap atop a Pitfall.

"YOU PUNKS!" Luigi yelled as Shulk and Toon Link laughed and ran off to prank their next victim.

* * *

**VII. Honky Tonk Women**

After meeting with Mario, Peach retreated to her own room to unpack her stuff. She would have gone to see Zelda, like she planned, but the princess got the feeling that her bestie was rather occupied with her boyfriend.

"Knock, knock."

The soft voice shook Peach from her daze. She turned from her travel case to meet eyes with Samus Aran, who was leaning up against her doorway, wearing a form-fitting cocktail dress.

"Ah~" Peach began. She fluttered her eyelashes in a way that drove many a man (and a few women) into passionate madness. "Didn't hear you there, Samus. You look lovely."

"I thought I'd let myself in," Samus said with a smirk, adjusting her straps.

Upon seeing that Princess Peach was incapable of speech, she rubbed the back of her head, intensifying the awkward air engulfing the room.

"Ah, sorry. Please, have a seat," Peach urged Samus, and then walked on over to her bookshelf. She pulled a hardcover copy of Alan Moore's 'Lost Girls' and the entire shelf turned into a minibar.

"You're full of surprises," Samus told her with a smile. She was still standing. "How come you've never shown me this one?"

"I just had it installed recently. Normally I don't keep things from Mario, but this was a rare exception. What are you drinking?" she asked the bounty hunter.

"A scotch, if you've got it."

"Coming right up. Please…" Peach urged, gesturing to her bed seeing as how the two chairs were both covered in piles of the princess' clothes and accessories.

Peach poured two scotch glasses and handed one to Samus. She took a seat on the bed alongside her. They drank in semi-awkward silence, one that remained until Samus broke it.

"So… about Mario... are you guys…"

"On break again. Yeah. I… saw you with Snake earlier."

"We're in an open relationship. He and I aren't the jealous type."

Peach's cheeks turned a rosy red. She couldn't help but crack a smile. "I see. Neither am I."

"On the platform… when we made eye contact…"

"I remembered everything," Peach said, and let her right knuckle rub up against Samus' leg. "The day I floated on over to your balcony. And the sex. God. It was magical."

"You're magical," Samus replied after taking another sip of her scotch. She entwined her fingers around Peach's stray ones. "Everything about you just drives me wild."

"So… your feelings… they haven't changed since the last time?"

Samus recalled the most recent time she and Peach made love.

It was six weeks ago. Both women had the day off, and so they decided to go to town and try on some outfits.

Before they knew it, they were in the changing room of the local boutique. Seeing one another in their undies was a little too much.

"I can't stop myself," Samus told Peach as she pushed her up against the wall and kissed her. Peach moaned as Samus let loose her dress' shoulder straps, snapped off her corset, gently pulled down her stockings, and expertly fingered her to climax.

Just picturing the scene got Peach all hot and bothered again.

"That last time... I love how you took control of me like that," Peach whispered.

"Do you want to try that again?" Samus probed, and walked on over to rub Peach's shoulders.

"That... sounds really hot."

They fell into a passionate kiss, one that gradually progressed to the two women stripping each other's clothing off.

Samus pushed Peach up against the wall again. She lifted her leg and began grinding their crotches together.

"Good thing I came prepared for this," Samus quipped as she pulled out a vibrator with an elastic set of leg straps.

Peach got down on her knees and slid the straps up Samus' legs, guiding the vibrator up her calves and thighs until it rested atop her mound. She took the wired controller in her hands, flipped the 'on' switch and immediately cranked up the dial to maximum intensity.

"AHHHH!" Samus yelled as her clit was shaken, not stirred.

"Not so loud," Peach giggled. "There's people out there. Lakitus, too."

"I don't care if they hear us anymore! Fuck me, Peach!'"

Peach stood back up and pushed Samus up against the wall. She ground her clit up against the vibrator as well, all the while kissing Samus deeply and pushing their bodies together.

"You have the loveliest eyes," Peach told her lover as she nibbled on her nipples and tickled her asshole with her index finger.

"And you're too good to me, Peachie," sang Samus, who was getting weak in the knees.

Peach and Samus rubbed and moaned so intensely that neither noticed the other party in the room with them... at least not until it was practically rubbing up against them.

"Wait!" Peach exclaimed, and temporarily turned down her vibrator. "Who's there?"

What appeared to be a perfectly normal cardboard box not three feet from the princess' feet suddenly stood on its feet. Who else emerged but Solid Snake, clad in his birthday suit.

"It's showtime," he said as his penis stood at attention.

* * *

The afternoon sun was finally tipping on over, giving way to dusk and staining the horizon when Ness awoke from his nap. He wiped the sleep from his face and walked on over to the cliff face overlooking the sea, where just thirty-six hours prior, he received a piece of advice that set the whole revolution into motion.

"Returning to the scene of the crime?" the familiar voice called out.

Ness turned to see Sheik balancing atop a stake once again.

"I never did get a chance to thank you..." Ness told the Sheikah. "So thank you. If you hadn't advised me to go see Zelda..."

"Focus not on what could be or what has been. The present is all there is. The eternal now."

Sheik stretched out and cracked a few stubborn muscles.

"You're a good friend, Sheik," Ness replied. He closed his eyes, crossed his legs, and took deep breaths as they meditated side by side. "We accomplished so much. I feel like the sky's the limit for us now. We're done fighting."

"If only I could believe that were true..." Sheik sighed. "I fear that the next war is just around the corner. It may come to us this time."

Ness hung his head.

"But hey, I've been wrong before," Sheik admitted, switching positions atop the post.

* * *

**VIII. The Show Must Go On (Reprise)**

_Empty spaces – what are we living for?_

_Abandoned places- I guess we know the score_

_On and on... does anybody know what we are looking for..._

Mario Mario teed off the first of eighteen holes, alone.

He knew before the ball had curved that he'd made it onto the green, and smiled. _Sometimes, life throws you a freebie._

But then a Cheep Cheep leapt from the water trap and ate the ball in mid-air.

_Fucking fish._

Mario lined up his next shot perfectly. His form was just right, too... until his final follow-through was off by a hair.

The ball sliced far off course and smacked an under-construction statue of the Supreme Overlord. Fiona's eye was completely taken out.

_I'll take this as a good a-sign,_ Mario thought, and closed his eyes as the sea breeze wafted in.

Freed from any expectation, he simply opened his heart to the possibility of enjoying the act of_ being_, something he hadn't done for a very long time.

_Another hero, another mindless crime  
_

_Behind the curtain, in the pantomime  
_

_Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore?_

Mega Man collapsed in tears before Doctors Light and Eggman. The two Smash Hopefuls were busy calibrating the stage pyrotechnics for the dance-off that night.

"I'm sorry, Mega Man," Dr. Light explained. "You didn't get the warranty."

"WARRANTY?! Who gets a fuckin' warranty on surgical procedures?! You just installed it last night!"

"Hey, man, we aren't the ones who tried to jerk off while using jet fuel as a lubricant," Dr. Eggman said, trying and failing to keep from bursting out into a fit of giggles.

_The show must go on_

"Oh, fuck you guys. Really. Fuck you terribly," Mega Man moaned. "How soon till you can fix it?"

"It'll be a few days," said Dr. Light.

_The show must go on_

"A FEW-"

"In the meantime, enjoy your feminine side."

_Inside my heart is breaking_

_My makeup may be fading_

_But my smile still stays on_

King Dedede hollered and fist-pounded against the air. He had just KO'd six people with his fully-charged down-special move to win the Stock match.

"STOP! HAMMER TIME!" he exclaimed, and then began singing the chorus to "Can't Touch This" while most of the others clutched their heads in agony and frustration.

"How does it... when he's holding that fuckin' mallet, it comes out, like, instantly!" Meta-Knight whined. "How come it seems easier to avoid in real life than in this stupid game?!"

"I don't know _what _you're talking about, MK," Olimar said. "This game is a lot less stressful than fighting you guys IRL."

"In case you all forgot, this isn't exactly IRL either," Lucario pointed out. "But I digress. I just keep forgetting to counter, somehow."

"Ain't gonna lie, this is a lot of fun," said Kirby, who just passed the bong over. "Except for that goddamn Gust Bellows. Let's turn that shit off."

"Hey, man! I like that item!" Melville protested.

"You would. You've also got that damn OP Pocket move!" Lucario boomed.

Olimar laughed and laughed. "The butthurt is strong with this bunch! Hey! Who didn't press Start? Wait... where's Ike?"

"He had to leave to take a shit in the middle of the match," said Wolf, who just stepped into the room. "Who's ready to take on the big, bad, wolf?! I hope they buffed my recovery, 'coz boy, was that shit in _Brawl_!"

The others looked to one another, not sure how to break it to the guy.

"Leave it to me," said Kirby, who then said a little prayer. "Um... Wolf... you're... not in the game."

Wolf laughed as he sat down and took up Ike's controller. "Quit pulling my leg, you fags."

The room was dead silent as Wolf perused the Character Select Screen. His face was nowhere to be found.

"Well, shit."

Rather than cry or bitch, Wolf simply raised his head into the air and howled a mournful note.

_Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance  
_

_Another heartache, another failed romance  
_

_On and on, does anybody know what we are living for? _

Over a bottle of Dom Perignon, Don Luigi and Falco laughed as they recalled the years of Smash Battles past.

Falco reclined in his seat. "Oh, remember the first time we tested the Black Hole Glitch in Melee? That was a riot!"

"The whole stage just kinda caved in, like _FOOMP! _It was gone, and so were we."

There was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Luigi asked, his voice slurring.

"It's Bowser and Junior. Ey, mind if we join ya guys?"

"Come on in!" Falco exclaimed. "We're just swapping war stories."

"Heh. Remember Event Match 51? I've got my fair share of those..." Bowser said, pushing upon the door and entering. "Luckily, I've also got a twelve-pack of forties."

He whipped out a large milk crate stuffed with some rather large jugs of beer.

"Dad! Are you really gonna drink all that?!" Bowser Junior asked.

"Son... tonight, you're going to see a side of your daddy you ain't never seen before. I'm gonna get wasted as fuck, and you can have some, too! Underage drinking laws are bullshit!"

_I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now  
_

_I'll soon be turning, round the corner now  
_

_Outside the dawn is breaking  
_

_But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free _

Peach was on her back on the bed, her pussy exposed to Samus' fine digits.

The bounty hunter rubbed the princess' clitoris with her dainty thumb, occasionally taking a glance back at Snake as he pumped his manhood into Samus' dripping wet vagina.

Samus kissed Peach repeatedly, savoring the princess' sweet lip balm and candylike saliva.

"You're... always so sweet... like a premium pastry..."

"Ah!" Peach trembled as she was brought to orgasm once more.

"She's irresistable, isn't she?" Samus asked Snake, who was admiring Peach's sexy pout.

"I can't disagree there!" he said as he bottomed out. "You really know how to turn a guy on, princess!"

Samus held his eyes on hers a little longer, and then turned to Peach. "Do you want to switch?"

Peach flushed crimson. "I... I would love that. Snake... would you do the honors...?"

"You're gonna have to be more specific than that," Snake replied as Samus guided his free hand towards Peach's pussy, which had the texture of fine, wet silk. He began kneading her clitoral hood with his thumb while probing her insides for the location of her G-spot.

The princess looked David deep in the eyes. As Samus, Mario, Luigi, and Bowser all knew too well, Peach had an expression that made them feel as if she could peer into their souls.

"Put your cock in me, you filthy mercenary. I want you to fill up my insides."

"Are you... really okay with this?" he asked Samus, who was now pleasuring herself with her vibrator upon seeing the sexual tension between her two lovers.

She rolled her eyes. "This was my idea in the first place! Just hurry up and fuck her!"

Snake felt Samus grab his dick and stick it into Peach's saccharine snatch.

_The show must go on_

"OH!" Peach moaned, stars in her eyes as Snake returned her intense gaze. "It feels so good to have a cock in me again! AHHH!"

"Whoa there!" Snake exclaimed as Peach's inner muscles milked his Spurt Reynolds. "Not too tight!"

_The show must go on_

"Can't take the heat?" she teased him with a wink before peppering his stubbly face with kisses. "Then leave it to the professionals!"

Samus positioned herself on top of Peach, kissing the princess and fondling her breasts as Snake focused on keeping his rhythm steady and tightening his kegel muscles to keep his love noodle from prematurely ejaculating.

The look on David's face was one of utmost concentration, allocating his muscle resources and energy reserves, all the while making sure to keep both women entertained. He hadn't been mentally prepared in the slightest to fuck two of the hottest women at the Smashgrounds simultaneously, but in a way, the randomness of the encounter just made the moment even more perfect.

"Oh, Snake! I've wanted this for so long!" Peach cried out as Snake took her pussy fully and completely, satisfying an itch that she'd been holding in for weeks.

_Inside my heart is breaking  
_

_My make-up may be flaking  
_

_But my smile still stays on _

Rosalina sat alone in her private chambers. She'd dismissed the other Lumas and had them hanging out in the living room, hoping for a few hours of alone time, now that she'd discovered _Fifty Shades of Green: Based on the True Story of the Forbidden Butt-Munching Love of Link and Marth._

The sex scenes were so intense, that she couldn't help but be aroused.

Clad in nothing but her pajamas, Rosalina stuck a hand down into her pussy and started touching herself.

She moaned and whimpered, picturing herself as either Link or Marth, who would each take turns on the bottom. Rosalina tried to keep her voice down, but it wasn't long before the door was kicked open and a dozen Lumas rallied around their Mother.

"MAMA! We heard you crying!" Lubba said.

Rosalina massaged her temples. "Mama was fine. Sometimes... sometimes Mama just needs to be alone."

"So you can cry?" asked another one of the Lumas.

"Uh, sure," she said. "And do other things."

"What kinds of things?"

"Private things. Please... just... go."

The Lumas recognized that their Mother was unhappy with them. They retreated slowly.

"I love you, mommy," said Luma the Luma, who ran up to hug her one last time.

"Love you too. Goodnight."

"Night."

Luma began retreating again, but performed a pivot. "Mama... why does your hand smell kinda salty?"

"_Good night_, Luma."

"Night. Love you."

"We said that already!"

"SORRY, MAMA!"

Luma finally closed the door.

Rosalina took deep breaths. _I need a man in my life, _she thought. _I can't live like this forever._

_My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies  
_

_Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die  
_

_I can fly - my friends_

Palutena was now giving Ganondorf a full-on lesson in cunnilingus.

"Mmmmm. Very good. Now, it depends on the woman, or rather, how the woman masturbates. For the first type of woman, you don't want to stimulate the clit too directly. It can be too much. So you can work around it."

The Gerudo King gave his tongue a break and switched to two fingers instead.

"But for... ah... types like me... direct contact is actually preferred."

Ganon continued by licking her love button.

"Yes... bring it out... keep on wiggling that tongue! Push that mound above my pubic bone down! MORE FINGERS! Yeah!"

After inserting a third finger, Ganon continued to lap up the Goddess' juices.

"All right... now... I want the whole hand..."

"Wait... what?" he asked, just to be sure he heard her right. "That's..."

"Do it!"

Ganon swallowed, steeling his courage. He gently shoved his entire hand into Palutena's vagina, which gradually expanded to be able to host his fist.

"I can feel the Triforce heating me up inside! Show me your fists of fury, Dark Lord," Palutena pleaded. "I want to see some of your demonic powers."

"Yeah? If it gets too nuts, I'm not sure I can control it," Ganondorf told her after licking her juices off of his lips.

"Exactly," Palutena said. "That's where the real fun begins."

_The show must go on  
_

_The show must go on... _

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading this perverted two-parter! I'm very happy you made it this far. As always, reviews, follows, or faves will just make my New Year! I am extremely open to any advice or comments! Let me know what you liked or didn't like, or want more of. I can't promise anything but hopefully the next update won't take too long! XDD;;


	31. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

**A/N:** Hey everyone! So sorry it's taken me over two months to update... but I have a very good reason. Our herd of goats recently had over 100 kids (!), so I'm all tied up with my day job for a while, working 16-plus hours. Sadly, my co-workers/brothers are out of the country for the next month, so I'll be stuck taking care of 400+ goats on tough terrain... As there aren't enough hours in the day, I'm afraid I'll have to put this story on hiatus for the time being. Thanks both to my lovely readers and my perverted mind, this fic is the most fun I ever have writing, so it really breaks my heart to do this, but work and our animals have to come first. I also don't want to compromise the quality of my writing by rushing things.

**Warning:** This very long chapter pushes some boundaries, going a bit further/darker than before and with a ton of terrible jokes. Just letting you all know.

If any of you have Club Nintendo accounts, hopefully you've heard of the massive catalog blowout before Nintendo discontinues the program. If I can get 800 Club Nintendo points, I'm going for that Fierce Deity Link puzzle.

In other news... the Venture Bros. Season 6 premiere blew my mind and really inspired me with regards to this story. Jupiter Ascending was pretty good, too. A highly enjoyable and somewhat insane sci-fi that I wouldn't mind putting in the same sentence as Dune or Serenity.

**sippurp123:** Thanks so much for your review! ^^ Very glad you loved the hijinks in Chapter 30, which are mostly continued in this installment. There's a lot more where that came from. As you didn't mention Chapter 29, I hope you didn't miss out on all the Peach/Zelda backstory and Ganon/Palutena insanity!

**Meowkerz:** Super glad you enjoyed the two-parter! Get ready for an escalation of all that's happened recently... I apologize for not updating more but hope this chapter is satisfying.

**Brokentail: **True dat. But Pikachu has his bodyguard, so he doesn't afraid of anybody. And I love Super Smash Flash 2, such a great roster. Black Mage was particularly inspired, I thought.

**guest:** Happy that you like the musical references! I missed an opportunity there for sure, lol. Won't miss another one.

**hades:** Hahaha, thanks! Sorry to have made you wait! Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-One**

**Girls Just Wanna Have Fun**

**I. Paparazzi**

Mega Man sulked as he left Doctors Light and Eggman on the bandstand and walked around the exterior of the Tomodachi Life Smash Hopefulcompound. The time was 5 PM. He still had a couple of hours before his date, and he decided to get some sightseeing in by heading to the mainland.

So Mega Man decided to hop on Kapp'n's ferry, joining Crash Bandicoot and Travis Touchdown, who were both dressed in tuxedo-print t-shirts and pre-gaming with an 18-pack of Miller Genuine Draft.

As the bucket of bolts leaned against the ferry's banister and looked on over the glorious Castle Smash, he spotted an unmistakably large dude running up to him from the other end of the deck. Rush dashed up to the green lug.

"Mega Man!" a familiar voice exclaimed, and then stooped over to pet the doggie. "And Rush!"

"Shrek!" he replied, and ran up to high-five the ogre, who couldn't help but chortle upon seeing him.

"Ah saw you on the telly not too long ago, lad! That was some nasty business."

"Think quick, big guy!" Travis yelled as he tossed a bottle of Genuine Draft over to Shrek, who popped it open with his tooth.

The Blue Bomber hung his head. "Oh... yeah... that. Turns out I'm going to have to wait a few days to get a new dick."

"Tha's a shame. How are ye gonna pee? Oh, right. Robots don't need to pee."

"Yeah. Change of topic. Where's Rayman? I saw him with ya earlier."

"He's asleep, poor devil. Restin' up for the party later, no doubt."

"Yeah, just what _is _this party?"

"I hear it's to celebrate the Smashers' return," said Crash, who had downed his beer. "As far as they're concerned, you guys were gone three months, after all."

Mega Man shrugged. "Can't imagine how shitty it must'a been, stuck in overclocked slo-mo time, watchin' this place turn into a totalitarian police state. You guys gonna come with?"

Kapp'n started the engine, whose noise sliced through the conversation. "Sorry, land lubber, that jolly green gastrointestinal giant o' yours is gonna sink mah poor skipper."

"Balls!" Mega Man belted.

"The sea beckons. Be ye coming or nay?"

Mega Man scratched the back of his head. "Sorry, fellas. Shrek and I got some catching up to do. Rush and I will fly on over in a bit."

Crash and Travis looked on sadly. The Kappa began singing as the vessel left the harbor.

"You're not goin' to the party?" Mega Man asked of Shrek as they walked down the dock.

Shrek shrugged. "Not really my scene, ya know? Ah might just watch VHS replays of the Utah Jazz's best plays. That Stockton/Malone team was a fookin' beast."

But Mega Man was insistent. "Brah, it's a party night! No use holin' up in your room!"

"Parties 'ave never agreed with me. Too many people sweatin' and rubbin' up against each other... it gets me taste buds flowin', ya know."

"I suppose you _are _an ogre," Mega Man observed. "All I ever get to eat is electricity. It's lame knowin' an entire spectrum of sensory perception will forever lie beyond my grasp. Sometimes, in the cold, dark reaches of the night, I weep to the heavens, to let me, just once, know what sushi, or an _Umami Burger_, or_ filet mignon,_ or Soylent Green, or perfectly boiled lobster dipped in the perfect lemon butter sauce tastes like."

Shrek farted. "Eh, tastin' is mostly smellin', anyway. And there are some things that ye'd rather not taste, trust me. Which reminds me... any luck with that princess o' yours?"

"We're going out to dinner before the party. But, er... is there a reason why talking about bad-tasting things made you think of her?"

"Nah, nah, nothin' like that," said Shrek. "I just never got into cunnilingus. I use my mouth for eatin' _food_, thank ye very much."

"Right there's your problem," said Mega Man. "Sometimes you gotta bite the salty bullet and please that pussy."

"See, there's _your _problem," Shrek insisted. "Don't do it if ye don't enjoy it, I always say. Ye'll just end up resentful an' bitter."

Mega Man was confused. "But I do enjoy it."

"Paaaarfect. Then use it to your advantage, when the time is right."

"I'm nervous, man. What if she don't like me...?"

"Worry not. All ye gots to do with the ladyfolk is look like yer listenin' to 'em, nod politely, do yer best to make 'em laugh, and pick up the bill."

Almost immediately after Shrek said these words, he froze in his steps.

"Why's I gotta pick up the bill?" Mega Man groaned. "Ain't that what feminism is for?"

Shrek laughed. "Ya ever tried talking logic to a feminist?"

But the Blue Bomber grabbed his buddy by the arm and turned his head to face the incoming swarm of Camera Lakitus, who'd just spotted them.

"Better run, lad!" Shrek called, and then cracked his knuckles. "I'll hold 'em off as best I can!"

"Thanks, holmes! Seeya in a bit!" Mega Man called as he jumped onto Rush and jetted off the island.

"It's clobberin' time!" yelled Shrek as he grabbed two Camera Lakitus and smashed them against one another, creating a pulpy, blood-splattered mess.

A Lakitu tried to drop a spiky dude on him, but Shrek simply punched it back up towards him, cracking the Lakitu's glasses.

The ogre then reached into the passing clouds and grabbed two poor little Koopa-like guys by their legs and smashed their faces up against one another until their flesh was completely broken in down to their skulls. Lakitu brain matter did not color the floor for long, however.

Shrek bit into their brains and devoured them, much to the terror of the other Lakitus, who fled for their lives.

* * *

Having returned to her room, Lucina unpacked her clothing, weapons, and healing items from her _Fire Emblem-_themed travel suitcase. She paced the bedroom, which was tasteful but somewhat bland, until she felt like a caged tiger.

The girl hopped into the bath to ease her mind. It took a second for her to get used to the instant hot water, but once she did, the experience was heavenly. Soothing lavender-scented Epsom salts eased her back and joint pains, which were all more mental than physical.

After dressing up in an azure blue gown, the time traveler headed to the balcony and whisked open the glass doors. She was glad that she did.

Thanks to Peach's keen gardening eye, the courtyard below was extravagantly decorated, and the many trees and flowers brought Lucina some peace, even though the Ice Climbers could be heard doing the naked chicken dance not too far from her location.

_How is it I've come to such a strange place? These people seem to have no shame._

The clock read 3:30 PM. Three hours before she ought to head down for the dinner party. Maybe she'd lay about for an hour or so.

She checked the fridge for some food, but instead settled on an apple from a fruit basket, which she munched on whilst seated in front of the brand new laptop computer set upon the desk across from the balcony.

_What is this odd device?_ wondered the girl, entranced. As she opened up the laptop's display, she was greeted by a newly updated Firefox browser in full-on Help mode.

"Fascinating," she said, and dove into the wonders of the Internet.

* * *

**II. Gimme Sympathy**

Within the darkness of her large, empty, lone bedchamber, Supreme Overlord Fiona injected herself with a syringe. Its contents: fifty percent estrogen, fifteen percent testosterone.

"Ahhhhh," she moaned, savoring the sharp needle's prick. Nothing penetrated her but cold, sanitary, medical-grade metal, and that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, she liked it.

Suddenly, a video call appeared on her Google Glass. It was Frog, who was now working as a part of Fiona's Royal Guard.

"OK Glass, answer."

The loyal knight was calling from the reception room two doors over. He took a bow.

"Good morning, Majesty."

"I'm in the middle of something. What is it?"

"Princess Daisy of Sarasaraland, Your Eminence."

"Does xe have an appointment?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Hmmm. Let xyr (**A/N:** gender-neutral 'her') in," Fiona commanded.

Daisy marched into the room with her fists clenched and a frown coloring her face. It was plain she had a hell of a bone to pick as she walked straight up to the large obsidian desk and slammed her gloved hands atop it, shaking over several stacks of papers.

"Listen up, you so-called Supreme Overlord! In case the crown didn't make it clear, I am _ROYALTY_! And I demand to be treated with due respect! How can you even think of forcing your most honored guests to toil away like slaves?!"

In retaliation, the Female Villager withdrew a fully-charged Super Scope beam from her Pocket and fired it at Daisy, sending the unsuspecting princess sailing back into the door from which she entered. The back of Daisy's skull slammed into the brass doorknob, hard.

Fiona stood atop the desk like Simba atop Pride Rock and withdrew a Ray Gun. She pointed it at the princess as she approached every so slowly.

The Villager's expression was vicious, calculating. "Have you seen what has become of the city? Unchecked violence in the streets! Those damned proles have all gone out on strike. Koopas and Toads have forsaken their day jobs... and I need every droid at our disposal for inter-realm security. There's no one else to care for an army of childish, pampered, degenerate celebrity scumbags. What more would you ask of me?"

Daisy took a peek into Fiona's ledger, sitting plainly on the floor before her feet. She picked up the book and quickly flipped to the most recent Realm-wide Balance Sheets.

"You could maybe think about removing this ninety percent tax on the citizenry?"

"A temporary measure," said Fiona, who fired a Ray Gun at Daisy's hand, stunning her into dropping the ledger. "Once our armies have stabilized, I'll consider slashing taxes for the upper one percent. In the meantime, might I suggest laundering any excessive monies?"

The princess crossed her arms. "If you're asking me to work with the Don, I refuse."

"Bad breakup?" Fiona asked, closing the distance between the two women. "Weren't you two an item at some point?"

Daisy shrugged and adjusted her dress, showcasing her cleavage. "Meh. He's too busy taking the weight of the world on his shoulders to pay me much attention these days."

"Men. They're pathetic."

"Tell me about it," Daisy empathized. She looked the Supreme Leader up and down rather sexually. "Dirty, nasty, horrible things. Quoth Taryn Southern, _they'll hump you, then they'll dump you, then they'll fuck your best friends_."

Fiona Pocketed the Ray Gun. "I know, right! With those disgusting... things... between their legs... ugh."

"Nothing a man can do that a cucumber and a good imagination can't do better," agreed Daisy, who plucked a stray strand of Fiona's hair from before her eyes. "Although they can't buy you dinner... well, a part of dinner. Pre-salted. Anyway, who needs men? They're so, like, smelly. And gross."

"I detect a kindred spirit in you, Princess Daisy," Supreme Overlord Fiona said at last. The short Villager's head had become level with Daisy's bosom. "You know who the true enemy is."

"I... do?" Daisy asked sheepishly, her cheeks flushing red.

Fiona picked up several oysters from a meal tray and offered them to Daisy.

"Yes. These are tough times we are living in, after all. We need all the help we can get."

"_We_?" Daisy asked before eating one, then two, and finally three of the delicious oysters.

"Womyn. The collective feminine sentient beings of the Multiverse. For centuries, _NAY!_ Millenia... our kind has been oppressed by the degenerate Y chromosome," Fiona explained as a spotlight flashed down upon xyr, illuminating xyr as a thespian on a stage. Painted tears streamed down xyr face as another spotlight cast its light upon a tapestry showing Joan of Arc being burned alive, and Emma Watson saluting xyr.

"Don't you see that it's _men _who have transformed this universe, molded it to their liking?"

Another tapestry showcased the scores of women in videogames who were subjected to excessive abuse or violence, along with Anita Sarkeesian, who sported a halo and appeared to be cradling poor dead Aerith Gainsborough in her arms.

"So tell me, conventionally designed brunette 'princess', what sort of role are we meant to play?!"

Yet another tapestry showed a tableau of miserable housewives and homemakers, including a heroin-addled Cooking Mama, set against a background of tombstones at a dark cemetery.

"Witness the sacrifices of the women who came before us! Our bodies and our self-esteem are on the front lines of this terrible, terrible war!"

"Oh, dear!" screamed Daisy, who was on the verge of fainting. The feeling-centers of her brain had trouble processing all the emotional manipulation Fiona was flinging at her from every which way.

"The only reason men were ever needed was to kill wooly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers! Now that digital lifeforms exist, there's no reason for anyone to be of a different gender than the _original _one! The Y chromosome is the mutation! End its oppression! What reason do penises have to exist?! All they ever bring is pain!"

"Um... I would disagree there," said Daisy. "They sometimes bring me nice tingly feelings inside. In my G-spot."

Fiona pushed her up against a pillar. "The G-spot is a lie! The only orgasms that count are clitoral. Whatever you think you know of the use of penises, it was put in there by the dominant male patriarchy," the Female Villager informed the woman while rubbing her arms to calm her down.

"Do you mean... the... pay-tree-Archie is the reason why I like to guzzle guys' genitals so much? Why I like to fill all my glory holes with gobs of male ejaculate and suckle on loose testes?"

"Ye Gods, you are rather _dirty_, aren't you? I can feel the energy wafting from your body already," said Fiona, who proceeded to undo Daisy's dress and corset.

"B-b-but Supreme Overlord..." Daisy protested. "We've only just met..."

Fiona slapped her hard in the face.

Daisy spat blood on the floor. "WHAT THE EFF!"

To which Fiona gently caressed her cheek. "You can tell me to stop at any time."

"Then stop, please..." Daisy squirmed to get away, but Fiona pressed her up against the wall with her stubby but muscular arms. The brunette tomboy was now in only her undergarments.

"But aren't we having the grandest time? The ritual's only just begun, my sweet."

"R-r-r-ritual? Milady... you mustn't..."

Fiona seized the moment. She pulled Daisy down onto her mouth and gave her a deep, wet, sloppy kiss. The Villager's larger mouth as compared to Daisy's meant that the princess' entire face was being licked and pecked by her tongue.

At this, Daisy was frozen stiff. She had been hit hard by the oysters and Fiona's pheromone-enhanced lip balm.

Yet Daisy did not object, since she, too, had been struck by Cupid's arrow. For many nights she had longed for a woman to take her in this way, and therefore allowed herself to be swept away with passion.

"You're too powerful," admitted Daisy in between kisses. "I... fear what you might do to me."

"Gooooooooooooooood," replied Fiona as she undressed herself. "Feeeeear is the paaaaath to the dark siiiiiide."

"Say what? Milady-" Daisy protested, but Fiona had flipped her over onto the floor and mounted her. The Villager rubbed herself against her victim furiously.

"It's... not right..." the princess squirmed. "You and I... we're... Nintendo characters... people look up to us..."

"That's why it's so sexy! We must enjoy the fruits of our nobility! YEEEEEESSSS!" the Female Villager cackled.

But Daisy whimpered and hid her face. Fiona slowed her heavy breathing and gently pulled Daisy's fingers away.

"Do you... truly not want this?" Fiona asked as she brought out a handheld electric back massager and pushed it up above Daisy's mound.

"I... don't know..." replied Daisy, panting for breath.

"Make congress with me," insisted Fiona. "Once we have achieved sexual union, like my master before me, I shall take you on as my disciple, teach you all that I know of the Ancient Femynian ways."

"Say what?" Daisy moaned. "Wasn't feminism invented by the CIA?"

Fiona slapped her in the breasts with her massager.

"OWWW!"

"Pay attention!" Fiona demanded, and pushed hard against her new pupil. The princess allowed Fiona to stimulate her clitoris with the device. "The rise of the 'second wave' of feminism was only the beginning of a New World Order. Soon the streets will run with the blood of our enemies!"

Daisy bit her own thumb and refused to look her captor in the eyes.

"Why do you turn away from me, my caramel-haired sweetheart? Is it shame?"

Daisy bit her lip and fluttered her tremendous fake eyelashes. "It's 'coz... I know it's really, really wrong... but... I... liked what you did right there. And... and all the words you used... I'm... such a bad, bad girl..."

Fiona's lower lips salivated like Pavlov's pups, but she needed to keep the upper hand. With no warning, The Supreme Overlord penetrated Daisy with her raw, stubby fingers.

"AIIIEEEE!"

"Don't you give your mistress those puppy dogs eyes unless you want to be treated like a bitch!"

"I AM A BITCH!" Daisy screamed as Fiona stretched out her insides. "And I _want_ you to treat me like one! Take me!"

"Then make with the howling!"

"Awooooo!" Daisy crooned rather enthusiastically.

"Yesssss! The ritual will be complete once our juices flow as one!"

The two were making with the sexiness a bit too loudly, for the door creaked open and they didn't even realize it.

Clad in a ballet leotard, the Male Wii Fit Trainer was holding a Shake-Weight© in one hand and a tray of marmalade and strawberry tarts and tea in the other.

He was also popping a total stiffy, but most of it was hidden underneath the frilly dress.

"Holy matrimony, that's hot," the Trainer said. "Mind if I join you, Supreme Overlady?"

Fiona's eyes shot towards the invader. They turned blood red.

"_MIRDAUTAS VRAS!"_ she yelled.

The Fit Trainer squealed and turned tail. "No! Not the Black Speech of Mordor!"

Dark tentacles erupted from within Daisy's cooch and lashed out towards the Fit Trainer. He tossed the Shake-Weight© at the approaching demon-limbs, but it passed right through them.

The tentacles morphed into sharp blades that stabbed the Male Fit Trainer in the chest multiple times, inflicting blood-red stab wounds.

"_Mein Gott_!" the Trainer exclaimed before collapsing to his knees, and finally, to his face, making a SPLAT noise as he fell into a pool of his own blood.

"That was, like, super gross," said Daisy. "What actually are those things? Aren't they from _Game of Thrones_? And do they live in me now? 'Coz ewwwww."

"Shush, my love. What matters is that we helped that filthy Muggle shave off a few pounds there," said Fiona with an evil grin as the tentacles retreated into Daisy's nether regions. "Xe is a man, after all. It's okay to kill xem; xey die in war all the time."

"Y-yeah... poor patriarchal scum," Daisy lamented, rather distressed at the twitching, dying body.

But Fiona merely responded by slapping her hard in the face. "Never pity the enemy! A true Womyn feels no remorse... no regret... now lie down, you cheeky whore."

"Yes, Master..."

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the Villager laughed, twiddling her fingers maniacally.

Daisy rolled her eyes. "Ugh. That is _suuuuuch _a turn-off."

Ignoring her, Fiona returned to heavily bombarding Daisy's clitoral region with her massager, all the while penetrating her asshole with every one of her other hand's fingers.

"It hurts!" Daisy exclaimed as the Female Villager stretched her anus beyond its already strained capacity.

"If you want me to make you come, promise that beyond all else, you will obey your mistress!"

"But that doesn't sound very fair!" the princess panted while squirming like an earthworm in heat.

"Fairness will never exist until we purge this world of men!" Fiona growled before biting down hard on Daisy's nipples, one by one, drawing blood.

"AHHH! Make it stop!"

Fiona rubbed her face in Daisy's tit-blood. "O Goddesses of Light, bless this spiritual union!"

* * *

**III. Everything You Want**

Palutena sneezed. "Hold on! I think someone must have just thought about me!"

Ganon raised his head from licking out her divine clitoris while his fist was completely up her snatch. The Dorfmeister's Triforce of Power was lighting her up from the inside like a Jack-O-Lantern. "Chibi-Robo, hand her a tissue!"

The ever-loyal Chibi-Robo whirred and wheeled across Ganondorf's sizeable bachelor pad of a condo before offering the Goddess a box of tissues.

"Why, thank you," Palutena replied with a smile. "You're chock full of surprises, King of Darkness. I never knew that thick tongue of yours was so lascivious. Sure this is your first time?"

"I... I've studied... a lotta porn..."

"Mmmmm, you've been a good pupil, then," moaned Palutena as she shoved Ganondorf's fist even deeper into her orifice. "AHHHHH! I'M GONNA SPLOOGE!"

Ganon shielded his eyes as Palutena's entire being flashed with the Power of the Gods.

"Milady!" yelled Ganon. "Are you OK?"

But Palutena merely began laughing a deep, throaty, maniacal sort of giggle. "By Mohammed's hairy gooch! Fuck being a ninja! This is what Real Ultimate Power feels like!"

The Goddess grabbed Ganon's hands and shoved them onto her breasts before making out furiously with him. When her voice emerged, it was in a multi-layered, otherworldly tone.

"Thank you, O Hylian Elder Gods! My next quest is now clear! The universe must remember that all is one! All shall be united in an orgy of Light!"

Terrified, Ganondorf tried to withdraw his fist, but found that it was stuck inside of Palutena – not just that, but his entire forearm – which, lest I remind you, was thick as an anaconda and rippling with muscles – had suddenly been sucked into her nether regions, leaving him elbow-deep.

"Uhhhh... the fuck?" the Prince of Darkness asked.

Palutena's mouth and eyes opened and a shining force beyond comprehension erupted from them, nearly blinding Ganondorf. The Gerudo hid his face as his room was flooded with light.

"PALUTENA!" he cried. "Are you okay?!"

Without further warning, Lady Palutena snapped out of her trance and looked at Ganondorf in much the way Anna Faris' character lusciously eyed those pot brownies in the movie "Smiley Face".

"That was incredible," she told him sheepishly.

"I was a bit concerned for you. Your eyes turned all white."

"Such a sweetie. How long have I been gone?"

Though his arm was still buried in the Goddess' snatch all the way up to the elbow, Ganon looked immensely relieved. "Uh, a couple of minutes?"

"Oh, that must have been when I transcended my body and became one with the global CAST Servers. Everything was so clear, so beautiful. Like I understood the point of all existence. I drank tea with Uncle Iroh. Alan Watts and I had sex. Then we watched some Ren and Stimpy. And Buddha and Jesus were roommates."

Ganon raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that last one the plot of a manga?"

"WAIT! It's happening again!" Palutena squealed like a little orphan girl who found herself unreasonably adopted by some super-rich mofo.

This time, Ganon was ready – he had Chibi-Robo bring him his welding mask, which he quickly slipped over his face so that he didn't have to shield his eyes from Palutena's divinity. Of course, he also closed his eyes at first, because damn.

The light came, its radiance such that Ganon felt the outermost layers of his skin peeling off. He turned away. The poor Goddess convulsed in his arms; he held her tightly until she came to once more.

"DUDE!" she ejaculated upon returning. "Ganon! It's been forever!"

"You're alive!"

"More than ever! And suddenly the part of Mother CAST that's still within me must have given me a clear connection with the entire CAST Network. I, like, know stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Let's just say I've fucked a Balrog in the Spirit World. I saw where the holographic universe begins and ends. The law of karma is real, except on the highest planes of existence, where matter ceases to exist and the universe is nothing but a singular consciousness split into an infinitely-sided prism, each shard reflecting on itself via this uber-ironic game we call life. Oh, and jet fuel can't melt steel girders. And – and – you'll never believe what I saw just now. You know that guy Master Chief?"

"Everyone knows the Chief. Even moreso thanks to the MC Collection."

"Well, he was doing the nasty with Marcus Fenix."

Ganon's eyes went wide. "Whoa, whoa. Hang on. The Chief isn't gay. In fact, he's a complete homophobe who likes to teabag people at parties. I've seen him having sex with Cortana, in person. And Marcus is pretty high up there on the manly scale himself. He bench-pressed the entire cast of _Lego Star Wars_ once. You musta' been thinking of some other guy."

"I know what it was I saw," replied Palutena. "Anyway, I'll leave that story to the tabloids to figure out eventually. Relationships are so trivial to me. There are some scientific theories I should really put to paper... it would help the humans discover cold fusion or even harness anti-matter as a fuel source... except... that will lead to them building that ultra-mega-weapon earlier... but then there's all the medical and space exploration benefits..."

"Sorry," said Ganondorf. "I got no advice. That sounds like Sophie's fucking Choice, like, seriously."

"Yeah, fuck that noise. Have you got a cigarette on you, by any chance?"

Chibi-Robo ran up with a pack of Red Apple cigarettes and offered the Goddess a stick, which he lit.

"Such a wonderful droid you have here," Palutena said, caressing his metal frame and moving down to his nether regions. "Do you have an output port, too, little one?"

Chibi-Robo whirred and beeped.

Ganondorf laughed. "He says he prefers cuddling."

Palutena smiled and hugged the robot up against her soft, perky breasts. "Well, that's just fine with me."

Neither of the room's three inhabitants paid much attention to Yoshi's duffel bag, which he'd left on the floor with a hidden camera still running.

* * *

Watching from within his dark quarters, Yoshi couldn't believe his luck.

_Oh, man! That totally just happened! Ganondorf has a two-and-a-quarter inch cock!_

"YOSHI! YOSHI! WAAAAAAAAAAW." (Boy, do I have some dirt on Ganon! I can't wait to blackmail him up the ass!) he exclaimed in general excitement.

Yoshimitsu McYoshi was so pumped up, he started bobbing his head along to the BotanicSage remix of the _Super Mario 3D World_ theme with the _Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ song, which he set to play on repeat.

With a pint of lotion by his side, his left hand having been sat on for a good few minutes, and Palutena's funbags bouncing on the telly, more than two of his heads were bobbing.

Yoshi watched as Ganon finally withdrew his arm from Palutena's lady bits and stood to use the bathroom. The Goddess sneakily fluttered over to his laptop. Her back was to the camera, but Yoshi thought he heard it flip open.

She began typing away furiously. It was unclear what she was doing, exactly, until Ganon left the bathroom not three minutes later.

"Why are you on my computer?" he asked, rather nervously, and then his eyes widened to the size of Deku scrubs the minute he saw what she was working on. "NO! GET AWAY FROM THAT!"

"Now, now," Palutena replied, not taking her eyes off the screen. "There's no way anyone's going to make an Eroge without _me _in it."

Ganon scratched his head. "Er... it's more of a... visual novel..?"

"Call it what you will," said Palutena. "My path shall be best path. In fact, I _insist_ on it. Feast your eyes, maestro!"

Ganondorf watched in stunned silence as she scrolled through Palutena's _fully-written_ scenario, complete with twelve dialogue trees.

"How the hell did you do that?" Ganondorf asked, stunned.

"That's the Power of the Gods and Goddesses combined, my little friend."

She hit the Return key as the Gerudo King bravely tried – and failed – to resist the impulse to cover up his peckish privates.

He coughed. "Could you, uh... never call me that again?"

Realizing her gaffe, Palutena's expression immediately tuned into that of a loving single thirty-something lady who, in a flash of kindness, suddenly decided against euthanizing a beloved family pet.

"Me apo-ro-jizz. Me so haw-ny. Me wuv you, Ganon baby," she whined in a sultry faux-Vietnamese accent whilst slyly playing with his testicles. "Me wuv you wong time."

"Hey, uh, I'm still pretty sensiti- AHHHH!"

The Goddess had dropped to her knees and lowered her mouth over Ganondorf's two-point-twenty-five-incher, fluttering her eyelashes at him like a young, inexperienced whore just hoping to please.

"Mmmm," she said, licking his pecker's tip while wrapping her thumb and forefinger tightly around its base and steadily milking Ganon. "Let me show you just how much your Goddess loves you."

Yoshi reached his finger out to the LCD screen to touch Palutena's glorious tits. Yoshimitsu wanted nothing more than to try a piece of that ass himself. He turned up the sound on his headphones to block out the sound of fapping and ignored the tears of loneliness that began to soak his cheeks.

_I need to get fuckin' laid_, Yoshi thought. _Like, seriously._

* * *

Princess Daisy bucked and moaned in mingled pain and pleasure as the Supreme Overlord electrocuted her clitoris with a prank buzzer ring.

"YESSS! YESS, COME FOR YOUR MASTER!"

"UWAAAAHHH!" Daisy yelled as she was forced to climax.

The weight of the contract she had entered suddenly hung like a great noose over the princess' head.

Daisy wept, the tears just pouring out in a torrent. "What have I done?"

"You are fulfilling your destiny, Daisy. Become my apprentice. Learn to use the daaaark siiiiide of Feminism."

"I will do... whatever... you ask..."

Fiona lapped up Daisy's juices. "Goooooooooooood. For your first task... you must bring me the Doctors Light and Eggman... alive."

"Yes, milady."

The Female Villager cackled and took a deep, creepy, breath that left hollow reverberating echoes that escaped her cartoonish throat as she mouth-massaged Daisy's cuntbox.

* * *

**IV. Love Gun**

Zelda poked Link.

He squirmed under the sheets. She poked him again, and then finally plopped down beside him and draped an arm over his belly. The princess slid her dainty arm down Link's pants and started to caress his firm butt and tights.

"Party's happening! You're not just gonna leave me here like this, are you?" she pouted. "We still need to shower! There are only so many occasions I have to wear one of the fancy dresses that lines my closet! I need your feedback-"

Link mumbled. "You know I hate making fashion decisions."

"Well, duh! You wear green all the time. Now, your baby needs a fresh eye!" Zelda insisted, leaping from the bed and grabbing two dresses that might as well have been identical. "You men are easily stimulated, right? Pray tell, sweet hero, which one brings out my figure better?"

But those were too many words for Link to digest. He had mumbled himself back to sleep.

"Linkie...!"

"Thought... you wan't gonna... cawl me that nomore," groaned the Hylian, who rolled on over, away from the light.

Zelda's face brightened. "Hey! That was very close to a complete sentence! Wakey, wakey!"

She yanked off his blanket. It failed to do the job.

"Wakey... wakey... chicken... bakey... …...zzzzz..."

"GET UP AND DRESSED!" she yelled at last, and then picked up the hookshot from its wall-mount. "I have a hookshot and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Link recalled with horror the last few times Zelda had tried to wake him up with one of his items.

In 1993, she thwacked him on the noggin with the boomerang, which then proceeded to fly around the room and break several pots.

In 1997, Zelda tapped Link on the shoulder after wearing the Spooky Mask. She screamed like a ReDead. He freaked out and kicked her in the face. The ensuing argument was such that Zelda did not let her man live it down for at least the next few months.

In 2000, she smacked him on the head with the Fire Rod, which burned down their entire room.

And in 2010, Zelda used the Spinner from _Twilight Princess_, without knowing what it did. The thing inadvertently drilled a hole through Link's belly. It was most unpleasant.

Without a further word, her boyfriend leapt out of bed like a tin soldier, standing at attention.

"NO! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING MY STUFF!" Link exclaimed.

Zelda giggled and kissed him. "Works every time."

Link then recalled that this was a usual thing, her threatening to unleash some horror on him in order to wake him from his often ridiculously long slumbers.

"Very funny, Zelda," he said as she walked on over to turn on the shower.

"What are you waiting for, the Clock Town Festival?" she asked in a sultry voice, slowly taking off her nightgown so that Link could see the length of her lithe, supple body.

He smiled. _We never did get to finish our sexytime in the shower earlier_, he thought, and Zelda was happy to 'hear' the sentiment.

Now fully awake, Link closed the distance between them disrobed. He tossed his clothes atop a nearby Gossip Stone, which replied by telling him the time, and walked into the bathroom where he pinned Zelda, who'd just put her hair into a shower cap, up against the Triforce-tiled walls of the very hot shower.

Zelda pouted and whimpered as he touched her sex, probing it with his fingers.

"Ah..." she uttered with carnal longing through the engulfing steam.

But when Zelda was ready for his member, Link did something the princess didn't expect. He turned her around and pushed her up against the wall, flattening her tits against the ceramic. Link then kneaded her ass cheeks as he rubbed his cock between them.

"Looking for my weak spot again?" Zelda taunted him.

"Oh, you know it."

He gently rubbed his thickness up against her. "Prepare for rear entry," he said with a smile.

But Zelda simply burst out laughing. She couldn't help herself.

Link felt pained at the laughter. His dick drooped. "What's so funny?" he asked.

"Hee hee... Nothing... it's just... ha! Wait, that's one of your lines, too! Wahahahaha!"

"Lines? What are you talking-"

The reason Link didn't finish his sentence was because he'd realized that his loving Zelda must have been in fact reading Fiona's illicit erotic story, which he remembered seeing on the bedside before he walked into the bathroom. He gave her a dirty stare.

"Busted!" Zelda exclaimed, and then turned around to caress her lover's chest and hopefully calm him a bit. "And you can't blame me, you were asleep for so long and I needed _something _to pleasure myself to."

However, Link was far from appeased. He frowned, and gently took Zelda's hands off his chest.

"I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you're only reading that for research purposes – you know, so we can take that best-selling bitch down and topple her regime."

Zelda turned from her boyfriend and began soaping her body. She secretly wished that Fiona would never stop her erotic writing. "Of... of course. Rest assured, at the rate we've been going, we'll probably have her ousted before the end of the day."

Link pulled her face towards his and gave her a big kiss. He rubbed some soap all over Zelda's breasts and waist.

"Do you really have that much faith in me?"

Zelda pumped his cock with her delicate hands. "Are you just fishing for compliments?"

"You seem to enjoy stroking my Master Sword. I figure, what's the harm in stroking my ego a little, too, while you're at it?"

"Leave the puns to the pros," Zelda quipped as his Hardness Meter filled up. "Just be glad your girlfriend knows the difference between feminism and insanity."

_There is no difference, _thought Link instinctively. He then immediately regretted it.

"Ha!" laughed Zelda as she got on her knees and took his girth into her mouth. "I heard that, you dirty chauvinist!"

Link's comeback was, however, non-existent. From the touch of his lover's softer-than-silk tongue on his meat truncheon, he could speak no more. She drew in some hot water to slosh around and keep her throat moist as she took him in as far as her thin neck would allow.

"HNNNNGGGG!" Link cried as he mashed his kegel muscles to keep from climaxing.

Sensing that her time was near, Zelda began lubricating her anus with some conditioner. She then stood up and faced the wall.

"Ready to try this again?" she asked as she spread her ass cheeks, which were now dripping wet and fully lubed-up. The couple did anal regularly enough to keep her sphincter ever-ready for a good time.

"You know it, babe," Link whispered harshly into her ear as he pushed her hard against the wall again and grabbed her wrists together, holding them up above her head with his left hand. Link slowly worked the tip of his cock into Zelda's behind.

"Does it hurt?"

"Mmmhmmm... Use some more of that conditioner..." she begged.

Link didn't take long to oblige. He lubricated the rest of his eight inches.

Zelda squealed as the third inch entered. After that, it wasn't so bad.

"Oh, honey..." she managed as he began sliding his cock out, and then in again, at the fourth inch. "Don't tease me."

"I'm just lubing you up," he said with a grin. "We haven't done this in a while so you're a little... tight... I think my head's losing oxygen."

"We're digital beings," said Zelda. "I don't think we need oxygen. We're just meant to _think_ we are so Mother CAST's data-mining can give proper results."

"Don't make me think right now," he insisted as he willed his blood pressure to focus on his penetrating womb broom.

As Link's fullness entered his girlfriend, she twitched. She shook once more when he slapped her behind.

"I love it when you squirm like that," Link said, rather powerfully, as he lengthened the intensity of his thrusts.

"You're the best..." Zelda moaned as they moved against one another in unison.

Link shoved two fingers into her snatch and began playing with it. His thumb stroked Zelda's clit for ultimate stimulation. Then he used the handle of Zelda's loofah to penetrate her while the heel of his palm rubbed her love button.

A minute hadn't passed when the princess was nearing her climax.

"Ah! Ah!" she cried as Link's thrusts became so intense, the walls started shaking. "I'M COMING!"

"HYAAAAAHHHH!" Link screamed as Zelda's ass clenched around his dick at the same moment he felt his fingers engulfed in her come, which went squirting out of her pussy. He shot his seed deep into her while kissing and sucking on her neck.

"Holy... shit..." Link whispered as he finally noticed the hot water stinging his back. "That was hot."

"I'm glad you found the motivation to get out of bed," Zelda laughed.

But Link's head was spinnning. "Words... no makey sense..."

"Don't fret, honey." Zelda turned around and kissed him before they turned the shower into a bath, sitting down on opposite sides of the tub from one another panting for breath.

* * *

**V. Feeling Yourself Disintigrate**

Mega Man brought Rush down to a swift and discreet landing at a little-used cape at the edge of the castle grounds.

Though it was a beautiful marble ruin looking over the vast ocean and showcased the pounding waves in the afternoon sunlight, due to its disuse, the Camera Lakitus did not even think to look for him there; Mega Man zoomed in on the ones that Shrek hadn't destroyed: they were off elsewhere stalking the Smash celebrities.

"I think we lost those fuckers," he told Rush before offering the hardworking cybernetic canine a taser to chew on.

Mega Man then began tapping the castle wall for signs of any loose stones.

"I dunno about you, Rush, but I ain't ready to wait here for those papa-rat-zees to berate us wid questions about my dick."

Just as he said this, the android heard the sounds of familiar voices arguing.

Olimar was furious. "That was a fuckin' cheap shot! Weren't we gonna ban that item?!"

Dedede lolled. "Nigga, you blind! Ain't my fault you got the recovery of Stephen Hawking tumbling over Niagara Falls in a barrel!"

"C'mon, he's got a point," said Kirby. "Those Gust Bellows are a goddamned menace. Once you're off the ledge, there's no chance of returning."

Using his Spark Shock electrodes, Mega Man nimbly climbed the wall up to the window.

"Booya!" he screamed as he leapt through the opened window, scaring the bejeesus out of the very high and very intense 8-player Smashers.

"Aaaaaahh!" Olimar wailed, much like a nervous schoolgirl at a horror film.

Ike burst out laughing. "Dude, you cry like a fuckin' child!"

From the room's lack of reaction at his entrance, Mega Man noted that the group had probably not seen his unfortunate schlong-melting incident, which had been broadcast on live TV.

"Wanna take my spot, Rockman?" asked Wolf. "Leon and I are gonna get dressed for the dance."

"It ain't prom night, brother," Dedede told Wolf. "But you go ahead. Mega, what's yo' controller of choice?"

Mega Man opened up a hatch over his left nipple and withdrew a GameCube controller, which he promptly slotted into the Wii U's GameCube controller adapter.

"I've gotta warn ya, if my memories serve right, I was pretty good at Melee," Mega Man boasted, recalling his days playing Melee with X and his other buddies at CAPCOM.

"This ain't nothin' like that old fossil!" Olimar exclaimed, and whipped out his Wii U Pro Controller. "No wavedashing, no L-canceling. And there's serious landing lag now!"

"May the best Knight win!" Meta-Knight announced.

And so it was that Mega Man partook in the insanely confusing Eight-Player Smash mode, playing as himself. After a few rounds, though, he adjusted to the game a bit better.

Indeed, the Smash sessions on Big Battlefield and Palutena's Temple went absolutely swimmingly.

That is, until the TV went blank.

"NO!" exclaimed Lucario, who had just picked up a Smash Ball and was owning the arena with 193% damage buffing up his Aura. "GODDAMN IT! I was balls deep into mindgaming you noobish fucktards! Who tripped the cord?"

Meta-Knight put down his controller and inspected the circuit breaker behind the radiator. "Well, shit. Power's out."

"Nigga, this'n be sour as a batch o' microwaved Marrill brains," Dedede grunted while sparking up another blunt. "Where dat Pikachu when you need 'is 'lectric ass?"

"Oh, fuck, we missed his appearance on the Monita show!" Kirby realized. "And Dedes, brah, quit tryin' to talk like a black man. It's racist and embarrassing."

"Yeah, you're white as Casper's silky ectoplasm," added Meta-Knight.

King Dedede cleared his throat. "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Jack? This is mah normal voice! I'm blacker than Bill Cosby, and I don't gotta drug women to get 'em to let me put my willy in!"

"You're still doing the voice!" Meta-Knight groaned.

After three hits, Dedede finally passed the blunt around. "Do ya _not _remember the cartoon? Look, I dunno 'bout you fools, but with all the bullshit smeared on the walls 'round here, I'm ready to skip town to Dreamland at this rate."

"And abandon all your friends?!" Ike chastised the monarch, and then put on a cockney accent. "C'mon, you feathery fool. You know we're not gonna let you go quietly into that good night."

"You can pretend to be Michael Caine all you want, Mr. Hero," Dedede replied with a great deal of snark. "Home ta me is a place I can smoke till my blood is more THC than oxygen, watch porn in a massaging chair so my ass don't get sore, drink Peach's imported tea, and be surrounded by scantily clad women, hopefully of the Umbra Witch variety."

"Point taken," said Mega Man. "Ass massaging chairs and tea may still exist in the coming dystopia. But ask yerself this, man. How much whackin' and shackin' up do you think you're gonna be doing with this Supreme Overlord in power? She wants to _cut off our wangs_, dude!"

Dedede wrung his head and accepted that he was gonna continue his noble streak. _Batman wouldn't run. Neither will I._

"I agree with the new guy!" Ike's voice boomed. "Who's up for a little REBELLION?!"

And verily, the men began cheering and hollering and so forth.

"Er... Objection?" Olimar raised. "While we're takin' stock and all, let's not forget the army of killing machines she's got. Y'know, the ones programmed to eliminate anypony wid a weenis."

"Even the gay ones?" Wolf queried before passing the blunt.

"I would imagine so," Kirby added. "Gay people can be straight, sometimes."

GW beeped and rang his bell.

Olimar translated the message. "He says: those womenfolk just hate us 'coz they... _ain't_ _us_? I don't get it, man."

"BRIIIIIIING!" (Haters gonna hate. Ain'ters gonna ain't.)

"Look, we can't just stand here yapping, guys!" cried the Male Villager. "We've got to do _something_!"

It was in that moment, immediately after he'd said those words, that Melville realized every eye on the room was on him. Almost by association, the newcomer was singled out.

"If I may repeat something Captain Falcon mentioned earlier," said Lucario telepathically. "Perhaps all that Female Villager needs is a good dose of the ol' in-out, in-out."

"Well put!" added Olimar. "Like Brawndo on a dying crop field, a brave volunteer must irrigate this woman's barren love canal. Meanwhile, the rest of us can sneak around like ninjas of the Serengeti, snap some necks, raid the vaults, wipe out all student debts, and restore the status quo."

Meta-Knight cleared his throat. "Aside from there being no known ninjas in the Serengeti-"

"Well, duh!" exclaimed Olimar. "If they were known, it would, like, defeat the purpose-"

"AS I WAS SAYING..." interrupted Meta-Knight. "ASIDE from that dumb noise, I heartily agree with this plan of action. In fact, tonight's dance shall prove a most worthy stage for such a performance."

Mega Man put an arm around the Villager. "We're gonna go out fightin'! Tonight's the night! Why, the central role has already been cast! Who was it that defended Rosalina against Pac-Man and his fighting team? That's right! VILL-A-GER! VILL-A-GER!"

Before Melville knew it, the group-wide chanting had begun. "VILL-A-GER! VILL-A-GER!"

"WHAT?!" the Villager yelled, casting off his friend's limb. "You want me to put my pork in _that_?!"

"Questioning orders?" Wolf queried. "I've been there, too, holmes. They gave me some shit dialogue sometimes, not gonna lie. All I could do was suck it up and give the people what they want. Life doesn't always unfold the way we plan it to."

Melville gulped. "I swear by every hair on Katy Perry's love muffin, I am loyal to the cause. The question is, will _she _be interested? Because if she isn't, well... it's my heads on the chopping block, feel me?"

"It was just a suggestion," said Ike. "I mean, Fiona says she don't want the D. But get this: of course she'd be sayin' that shit."

"And who are we to keep a lady from her hot man-flesh?" added Kirby.

"Imagine how long those nether regions have gone without some lip-smacking love from a genuine _man_," Lucario said as he slurped up a cherry tart with his tongue as if he were performing cunnilingus. "You are _maaaaaaaan _enough for the job, aren't you, soldier?"

"Talk about peer pressure," said the Male Villager, who recalled falling head over heels for her on the train. "I... I mean... I did think she was pretty good-looking... but that was before I knew the kinda evil she was capable of."

"This is one o' them times when ya gotta take one for the team," King Dedede said. "Ya don't necessarily gotta bonk her, brah. Just wear a rubber, turn the lights down low, and chow up dat roast beef buffet. If ya douse yer tongue in Listerine beforehand, it may not taste too bad."

"I'm... kinda nervous..." said the Villager. "But... I understand. It must be done."

"GOOD MAN!" Ike replied, slapping the guy so hard on the back that his spine literally snap-crackle-pop-locked in four places. An ancient Chinese chiropractor couldn't have done a better job of fixing his herniated discs.

"Wowzers! Jiminy Cricket, I feel like a new man!" The Villager exclaimed.

"At the party, wait to make your move 'til she's had a few brews," Meta-Knight opined. "Once she's inebriated, keep her that way. The rest of us will make our move while she's helpless in those strapping arms of yours."

"This feels so wrong," the Villager insisted. "So insincere. Kind of like... I'm taking advantage of her."

Dedede shoved the blunt into the Villager's mouth. "When in Rome, ya gotsta... uh... how'd the rest o' that quote go?"

"Melville," Wolf continued. "Much as I understand your moral plight, this twisted sister is _invading other realms. _She needs to abdicate her office and go back to fantasizing over Martha Stewart catalogs and customizing wallpaper! This is war, goddammit! And war means using whatever means we need to!"

"Yeah, man!" said Kirby. "Ever seen a James Bond movie? The girls double-cross him all the time. Why's it so bad if a guy does it?"

"This is just one guy's opinion, but I doubt comparing him to a Bond girl is going to help," said Olimar as his Red Pikmin took a hit off the blunt.

The Smashers then huddled together like a mismatched rugby team to discuss the plan.

* * *

Krystal cracked her neck muscles as she stood across from Bayonetta in the middle of the sparring ring.

"If I'm recalling properly, you usually enjoy a little foreplay," Bayonetta said as she unfurled her Kulshedra whip and stretched it between her hands.

"You're correct. Usually I would. But my body's itching to get started. I'd rather begin, if it's all right with you," Krystal insisted as she twirled her staff.

"Very well," said the Umbra Witch. "Let's. I tire of playing with Smash physics all the time. Do you have a preference on a fighting game style?_ Skullgirls_? _BlazBlue_, perhaps?"

"How about _Mortal Kombat_?"

"Darling, this room's _just _been cleaned. Let's take it easy on the recently hired help, they could very well be spitting in our food."

"_Soul Calibur_?"

"Very well," said Bayonetta, inputting a command on her cellphone, which transformed the room's physics, and then taking up Ivy's stance.

The unseen announcer began spouting out random shit: "What is she gazing with her calm, bright eyes?They find themselves in a battle orchestrated by the whims of fate! Only those who survive can fulfill their destinies! Only those who have conquered fate have a part on the stage of history!"

Krystal frowned. "Is he, like, broken, or something?"

The voice continued. "Fate conspired to arrange their meeting!"

Bayonetta hit another command on her phone, shutting the voice up.

Let's count it down..." Bayonetta said.

And so they bowed. And at the count of three, they fought.

Krystal's fireball was first. Bayonetta canceled it out with her whip. She then flung the demonic snake-whip at Krystal, who was quick to sidestep the attack. Krystal's retaliating Ground Quake missed and Cereza followed up with an Umbran Portal Kick.

Krystal blocked the sudden attack, but it broke her guard. The Umbra Witch's Stiletto attack knocked her off-balance, but did negligible hit-stun.

The vixen leapt backwards about twenty feet to get to safety. Bayonetta dashed towards her in Panther Form, but Krystal's freeze blast stunned her long enough for a painful staff twirl to the face.

Except that Bayonetta's Witch Time kicked in. She dodged the blow and switched gears to close-quarters combat, swapping sets to her Shuraba and slicing Krystal, stopping just short of her neck.

"Checkmate. From here it's a Zero-to-death and you know it."

Krystal frowned.

"Out of practice, sister?" Bayonetta addressed her friend and sparring companion.

But Krystal merely guided Cereza's eyes to her dagger, which was inches from plunging into her belly.

"We would have carved each other up," said Krystal.

"Nonsense. I saw your attack; t'was at least three frames off." Bayonetta was uncharacteristically annoyed.

Krystal sneered. "No Johns."

Bayonetta swapped to a full Scarborough Fair set. "I could very well say the same to you."

"Would that be a draw, then?" queried the fox.

But the Umbra Witch merely wagged a disapproving finger. "Warm-up's over. Come, let's go again!"

The arena soon lit up in bullets and fireballs.

* * *

**VIII. The Fresh Prince of Barrel-Rolling**

Fox McCloud was going to zoom his Arwing through some floating rings. He wanted to do this not because he needed to, or 'coz he was trying to break his previous records or any old thing like that.

He was gonna do it because it was what he _knew _how to do, and doing that gave him more than just an ordinary form of comfort.

Things had not been making a lot of sense lately for the Star Fox team leader. There was the revelation that they were all digital beings living in a computer, for one.

It made him sick to his stomach that seemed to be the only person who was totally wigging out.

In fact, if you'll bear with me I'll tell y'all how his life got flipped turned upside down.

He had to take a minute, sittin' in his pilot's chair, before starting up the engine and zooming through the air. In West Corneria born and raised, he barrel-rolled and remembered the better days. Days when he and Krystal had sex by the pool, shootin' some b-ball with Falco and K. Rool.

Back then the CAST Server still worked pretty good... 'till the memory errors started glitchin' up the neighborhood. Sakurai, Miyamoto, and Iwata got scared. They wiped everyone's minds; not even Fox was spared.

Having forgot his troubles, McCloud leapt into the fray. Aimlessly fought the other Smashers every day. It wasn't as if they could go on strike and picket. If ya can't fight the system, might as well back-flip kick some bitch.

And then the great battles, yo they were bad. His team was destroyed and his ex kicked his ass. Then they fixed up the server; now their realm was all right. He guessed that they were all livin' the life.

_But wait,_ he wondered._ Why am I still pretty sad? Ain't this a paradise for such a cool cat? Truth told, I feel like a jerk now that my past is laid bare. Well, not just a jerk, but a dick, and a square._

_Lord knows I'd tried to apologize, but the words never came out. I'd dick-slapped Samus for no reason, insulted Krystal's snout._

Fox wasn't able to express himself just yet. He'd just got here. While following a bogey through a suddenly-opened warp portal, his Arwing disappeared.

It re-emerged in some strange new frontier. The pilot looked over the odd planet, for it was rather queer. If anything, he could say this place was Rare. Before long, he beheld the approaching silhouette of a bear.

Fox landed his craft atop a plateau of slate. And he popped out of the cockpit and yelled "Yo holmes, what's this crater?" But the bear just walked on over and handed him a pear. He said, "McCloud? Have you got any taters?"

"Yo Banjo!" Fox exclaimed. He descended the cockpit, his alloy legs clanking on the wing. "Last thing I know, I was flyin' over the Smashgrounds, following what looked like a scouting drone. Some random portal appeared and took me here."

"Motherfucker, it's good to seeya, yuh-huh," Banjo said as he hugged Fox. "But seriously, though, do you have _any _food? I haven't eaten since that big-ass war last night."

Fox frowned. "Nah. In fact, everyone's partying over at the Smashgrounds right now. And I'm missing the action. Where are we exactly?"

The place was huge, ugly, and bizarre-looking. In the distance, the sounds of war echoed across the desolate, creepy-ass landscape.

"Oddworld, numb-nuts!" said Kazooie, who popped out of Banjo's backpack. "Or what's left of it. Where the hell are all the other Nintendo characters? It's your fault the rest of the realms are in this mess, what with your army invading and castrating men and shit!"

But Fox crossed his arms and backed away slowly towards his Arwing. "I'm... not sure. I... was actually just in the middle of something, so maybe I could just-"

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DICKLESS JINJO?!" Kazooie bellowed into his large ears. "EVER HAD TO KISS IT GOODNIGHT BEFORE PUTTING A BULLET IN ITS HEAD?! You're not going anywhere until you help us sort this out!"

Fox bit his lip. "Show... me... the money...?" His answer came out at first like he was trying to be cool, but upon seeing their reaction it fell apart into nerves about halfway through the sylabble 'on' in money, making a sound akin to that of a kettle boiling over.

Even the typically chillaxed Banjo was about to cuss out the anthropomorphic Fox for his selfishness, but as a loud whistle signified the approach of a megaton bomb, the bear pulled Fox out of the way instead – and into a molehill that functioned as another portal.

Instantly, McCloud felt the cold, damp dirt closing in around him, and felt naturally comforted, much like a real fox would upon being surrounded (and thus, safe) on all sides (which is why they call them foxholes). That is, until the bomb hit and toasted his tail just as he emerged from the other side of the portal.

"I'M ON FIRE!" Fox screamed, and then rolled around on the floor before realizing that he was currently being laughed at by a jeering crowd of masked individuals.

"What a pathetic specimen," said a rather muscular dude, who boasted slick red tats over his gray frame. "I think he'll do rather nicely."

"Kratos?" Fox observed. Even with _Dark Souls_' "Mask of the Father" on, it wasn't difficult to see through the God of War's disguise.

"WE HAVE NO NAMES HERE!" yelled Kratos, who then pointed one of the Blades of Athena at him. "We are the Coaliton Of Official Leader Dreadnaughts for Ultimate Domination of Every Statist, Socialist, Sex-Discriminating Scumbag, or COOLDUDESSSS for short!"

"Cooldudes?" asked Fox.

"Cooldude-SSSS."

"Why do you emphasize the 'S' so much? Do you have to say it like that?"

Kratos groaned. "There's four S's, weren't you counting?"

Fox laughed nervously. "Hey, man. I don't _do _math. That's what computers are for. I just wiggle the joystick around and be all 'pew-pew' and 'I'm-a-chargin'-my-lazor' and shit."

Kratos smacked him hard in the face, enough to send Fox to the floor.

"NERD! YOU DEPLORE ME!"

A robot who, behind her Keaton Mask, looked very much like Curly Brace from _Cave Story_,cleared her throat. "Um, Mr. Kratos... about your usage of the word 'deplore'..."

Kratos slowly turned towards her and gazed at the android in the most intense way imaginable. "Yes?"

Every eye, even Fox's blood-red ones, turned in fear of what might happen to the girlish character. Some people were shaking their heads at her, telling her to _DROP THE SUBJECT._

"I believe what you mean to tell Fox is that '_you_' deplore '_him_'."

Subverting the room's expectations, Kratos smiled an everlasting smile. Its genuine radiance only confused Fox even more.

"Thank you, Cur- er, anonymous metal-kin." the God of War replied.

He then turned to Fox. "YOU DEPLORE HIM!" Kratos yelled. "Your leaders will pay for invading our homelands! Get this fairy-brained furball out of my sight!"

"Easy, easy," said Fox. "I hate the Supreme Overlady just as much as you do."

But his words did not help. Two masked individuals bound his arms and led him away, to much protesting.

"It does not matter how much you hate her," said Kratos. "We hate that bitch more, trust me."

* * *

**IX. Issues**

The question was itching to roll off Meowth's tongue as he and Pikachu were jetting back to the Smashgrounds in their amphibious limousine after the press conference. They had left Monita's Studio not too long before, and the silent tension was so thick you could cut it with a Fury Swipe.

"PEEEHHHKA!" (Quit staring at me! Do I have something on my face?) Pikachu asked him.

"Er... no, sir. It's just..."

"Chu." (You're confused.)

Meowth shrugged. "Yeah. I guess I just want some context. What did that Ash fella do to deserve such a complete and utter assassination of his character?"

Pikachu's ears flopped down to either side of his head.

"Piiii." (It's a really silly story), he began.

"I'd really like ta hear it."

"Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." (Whyyyyyy?)

"As someone who works for ya, I think it's in my best interest to know."

Pikachu snorted another line of coke before answering. "Ka." (Fine. It all happened one fateful cold and stormy night.)

* * *

**July 5, 1997**

**10:29 PM**

**Filming of Pokemon Season 1 (Indigo League), Episode 33 (The Flame Pokemon-A-Thon!)**

**Laramie Ranch, Kanto Region, Pokemon CAST Server**

Now that the cameras were off and the lights were down at the Laramie Ranch, the various digital cast and crew members of the_ Pokemon_ show, including humans and Pokemon, took a well-earned break from filming.

Pikachu was in his own trailer and had just boned several young women. He smoked a cigarette as one of them continued sucking on his penis.

"Pi-ka-chu?" (Anyone hungry? 'Coz I could really go for some pizza right now.)

Sadly, the women were unable to understand him, nor speak his language. The Pokemon decided against his memo pad and took out his cell phone instead.

He hit the speed dial for Pizza Hut, and was soon transferred to a Pokemon employee who could understand Pika-speak.

"Pikakapika. Pika. Pika pi. Pikaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. Kachu." (Yeah, gimme two of the largest size you got. One half-cheese and half-pepperoni with garlic on the whole thing. Light – AND I MEAN LIGHT – Remoraid-chovies, bacon, mushrooms, onions, and bell peppers on the other one. And two large Mountain Dews.)

"Char, char, Char-ME-leon?" (Hang on, sir, did you say _two _large Mountain Dews?) the Charmeleon working the brick oven replied.

But before Pikachu could reply, his call was rudely interrupted.

Contact name "Dumbass 10-Year-Old Wussyboy" appeared on Pikachu's Nokia 8210. He decided to ignore Ash Ketchum, but when he put the phone back up to his fat face, his lumpy cheek accidentally accepted the call.

"PIIICHUUU!" (Cocksucker! Goddamn tiny-ass buttons!)

"Hey, Pikachu! Thanks for picking up! Hey, uh, Misty and Brock seem to be ignoring me, and I've got two tickets to go see this kinda-ska-themed _Ramones _cover band tonight. Just thought that maybe-"

"KAA! Pi pikapi... Chaaaaaaaaaaaah." (Do you really think I wanna be caught dead hanging out with you in public?)

"Um... I'm sorry you feel that way, Pikachu... I just wish there was something-"

"ChuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuu!" (You can jump off a fucking bridge, useless filth! You're useless as a sack of dead Digimon babies, and ya smell just as bad.)

The sounds of muffled crying could be heard over the other line.

Ash mumbled some half-coherent words between all the bawling. "I'm pathetic..."

"Kaaaaaa." (Sure are.)

"I should kill myself..."

"Piii! Pikaaaachu Nokia?" (HEY! Hey, wait. No. Don't do that, jeez. Is your phone a Nokia?)

"Um. Yeah, 5510."

"CHUUU!" (Then tell me how to get back to my other call and hang up on your ass!)

"Er, they're all different... sorry, I don't know, Pikachu... press the 'switch' button?"

"PEHHH!" (Useless cretin. Begone.)

Just then, Pikachu hit the 'switch' button in an attempt to transfer back to the other call, but he accidentally pressed two buttons at once and ended both calls, thus canceling his pizza order.

"Ka-CHU!" (MOTHERFUCKER!)

The electric mouse Pokemon, fueled by nearly a quarter-pound of cocaine, tossed his cellphone into the opposite wall, shattering it against the ceramic tiles.

* * *

**Modern Day**

"WAIT!" Meowth insisted. "That's really the end o' the story?"

Pikachu buffed his toenails to ultra shininess with a sander plugged into the flying limo's power port. "Pika! Chaaaaaa-pikaaaa." (Hell yeah, man! I never got my motherfucking pizza that night, and it was all that dumbass' fault!)

Meowth remained silent.

Pikachu switched off the buffer. "Pikachu." (Got somethin' to say?)

"_Nada, senor._"

Seeing that his friend was trembling, Pikachu took Meowth's hands in his and applied the gentlest smile he could muster with his beady little eyes. "Pi-KAAAHH." (You're my number one guy. I would never hurt you, Meowth. Speak freely.)

"I love you, man. But you just embarrassed, humiliated, electrocuted, and shamed that poor kid on live TV. And now yer lockin' him up and forcin' him to listen to his mom takin' our penises, over and over again? That's seriously messed up. C'mon. That's like... five lines drawn, right there."

"KA-choo." (You don't fuck with another man's pizza!)

"It was your fault you canceled the call! Ya might as well torture Nokia's R&amp;D department fer makin' your phone!"

"Pikapi. Pikaa. Piiiii. Kaaaa. Pika-CHU." (Good point. However, that Nokia no longer exists. They were bought by Microsoft. Hmm. That said, you make a convincing argument, Meowth. Those Finnish code monkeys are probably still alive.)

"Sir! Sir, I wasn't bein' serious! I only-"

"Piiiika! Pikaaaaaachu!" (Driver! To the Smashgrounds, and with haste! There's three mad scientists and a Don I need to see.)

* * *

"If you please," Robin insisted.

"Don't mind if I do," replied Captain Falcon.

The F-Zero champ took a drag of the vanilla-flavored hookah being offered to him by Robin. It was heavenly.

He looked around the office, which was rather sparsely decorated. A rack of weapons stood in one corner, a globe and bar opposite from it. One wall was completely taken up by a bookshelf. The other was a full-length window overlooking the ocean. It was a pretty Zen place, all things considered.

Robyn walked in with some tea and served it to the Captain and her lover, whom she kissed on the forehead.

"Interesting relationship you guys have," said the Captain. "Honestly, I get it. Gotta say, if I had a hot female version of myself... well... she'd have to look out."

"How about a male version of yourself?" asked Robyn with a dirty grin.

Douglas raised an eyebrow, a gesture that reflected in his holographic helmet, which mimicked and recreated his eye movements. "I'd... have to think about that one. I sure am one sexy mofo. Even Ike and Little Mac thought so, once upon a time."

"I've heard of the 'Eiffel Tower of Power' with Little Mac... but Ike...?" Robyn said the name with such a sad look on her face.

"Yeah. We went out for a month in '06. Full disclosure: we liked to compete to see which of us was manlier, so we ended up playing a game of 'gay chicken'. Needless to say, that game went a little too far when we started actually making out and touching and sucking each other. Neither of us wanted to be the first one to 'lose the game', I guess."

(**A/N:** The author smiled because you just lost the game. Does anyone still remember that ancient Internet meme?)

"Wait..." Robin said. "For a test of manhood, you guys played 'gay chicken' for a month?"

Captain Falcon laughed. "I mean technically I'm bi, so I guess I had the advantage. Is that bad of me to have not told him? He had to have been even just a bit curious. I enjoyed myself, but he got bored. He really isn't interested in sex or romance. Anyway, point is, 'till further notice, I'm pretty sure my experimental days are over, with a capital _O_."

"Be that as it may," Robin began, "There's no harm in making exceptions. Or in just 'going with the flow', so to speak. In my experience, categorizing and classifying ourselves, put ourselves in strict boxes – left- or right-wing; gay, bi, or straight; boxers or briefs; PC or console – serves not only to limit our perception, behaviors, and imaginations... it is a hindrance to critical thinking."

"It also reduces our capacity to spread love unconditionally," added Robyn as her lover took a drag. "Why would one strive to be a better person when those who populate the tabloids behave like unchained criminals? It's a vicious cycle, but we don't have to give into the mainstream media bullshit. Isn't it our duty to make the world a better place?"

Captain Falcon nodded. "I like that logic. Taken to its extreme... it's a call to action. Like, why pay taxes when the highest-up politicians and corporate overlords are involved in grotesque child murder rings in addition to excessive graft and corruption?"

"Why indeed?" said Robin. "Sadly, that option isn't easy for most people to commit to. Not everyone can afford to live off the grid or neglect to pay taxes."

"Speaking of commitment..." Falcon continued while scratching the back of his neck. "I wanted to kinda switch gears for a bit and talk about my ex."

"Your ex?" Robin asked.

"Mach Rider. She's suddenly come back into my life, and I'm not a hundred percent sure it's for the better."

Robin nodded. "She schizo or somethin'? A bedwetter? No, don't tell me. She's a man!"

Falcon laughed. "No, no... she's just... well... she's insane. Like, anger management... throwing stuff... playing the victim... waking up thinking she's Ripley from Alien, or Sarah Connor. Typical action heroine issues. And in bed, I think she likes it kinkier than I do."

"What kind of kinky?" Robyn asked, starry-eyed.

"Fire-play. Electrocution. Golden showers. Branding. You know, just... stuff that the Kurgan from _Highlander_ might appreciate. I'm not really that guy. My fake life consists of racing, hitting the gym, and hunting bounties."

He put one leg up on the coffee table and pretended to be humping the Fire Emblem centerpiece. "Every eligible bachelorette in Mute City knows I don't need more than fast, intense, piston-pumping penetration to get me going."

A little squeal emitted from Robyn as her nether regions gushed. She hastily stuck her hands in front of her to cover up the wetness dripping through her robes. "C-c-could you repeat that last part, about the piston-pumping penetration?"

Just then, The Machine That Goes 'Ping' went 'Ping'.

"Ah, shame. Time's up," Robin informed his patient rather curtly. He wasn't sure what he expected from the high-speed racer, but he never imagined the Captain would be this open about his life and thoughts... nor the effect it would have on Robyn.

"Damn, that went by fast," said Captain Falcon, who was now in a lovestruck reverie, recalling his days of polyamorous play with women, men, and aliens of all sorts. "I forgot what we were supposed to be talking about again... before the hookah... and Ike..."

Robyn giggled. "You're adorable, Captain. You were just telling us how it's frustrating that Little Mac's treating you differently since he's suddenly become uncomfortable with some of the stuff you've done in the past."

He nodded. "Ah, right... I'm not really worried about it anymore. See, once I get something off my chest, it's usually gone for good. I just hope Mac can get over himself. Anyway, that really helped. You guys heading to the party?"

Both tacticians, now in each other's arms, nodded before epically making out. Spurred on by Robyn subsequently humping his arm while praising his therapy skills, Robin ran his hand downs the small of his lover's back before slapping her butt.

"I... guess that's my cue to leave," continued the Captain. He adjusted his scarf and left some coins on the table before taking off.

* * *

"You're kidding!" Palutena cracked up as she perused Ganondorf's erotic video collection whilst giving him a lap dance. Both had just ingested some seriously potent pot brownies not too long ago.

"Promise me you won't tell _anyone, _but you've gotta see this one," Ganon said, laughing. He leaned over the Goddess and put on a ridiculous video taken from a hidden camera.

In a dark bathroom stall, Wario was attempting to take Toadette from behind. Both were naked, and Wario licked Toadette's tiny earrings as he stroked his limp member furiously.

Palutena's eyes bulged. "Is that... Wario? Can he not get it up?"

Toadette frowned. "Come on, Wario, you gotta be back on the Subspace set in five minutes!"

"It won't-a take five minutes!" he growled.

Toadette huffed her cheeks. "Well, hurry up! What's your biggest fetish?!"

"You don't a-wanna know."

Toadette pouted. She stood in front of Wario and grabbed his smelly junk, which she then began stroking. "Come on, just tell me!"

"I... I want a-you to act a-like you have down syndrome."

Her eyes bulged. "Ex...cuse me?"

"That's a-my fetish. Down syndrome," Wario repeated, in case she missed it. "You know, a-like Plessie."

"Plessie isn't downs, she's a... dinosaur... thing!" Toadette grumbled. "Come on, can't you just let me call you 'daddy', or 'uncle', or 'onii-chan'?"

"No," Wario insisted, his eyes now turning sinister as a dark shadow crept across his glowering, unshaven mug. He then crossed his eyes and flattened his tongue to the bottom of his mouth. "Doooo eeeehhhht. Taaaaalk liiiiike diiiiiiiis."

"Oh, fine. But tomorrow you have to dress up like a hot teenage vampire-zombie-werewolf," Toadette said. "I have just the outfit."

"Deal."

Toadette finally rolled her eyes before sending them off in opposite directions. "Whaaaat aaaarre you dooooing to meeee dooown theeeere?"

Wario grimaced. "I'm a-making your pussy mine! WAHAHAHAHA!"

"Nuuuurrrr... is paaaaaaaain."

Palutena burst out laughing uncontrollably.

"Wow, that's even more fucked up than I remember," said Ganon, turning the video off. "Man, what is _wrong _with that guy?! I am so not cool with making fun of disabled people."

"Oh! Oh, go back! You can see this glorious glimmer in his eyes the moment she does it the first time! Wahahahahahahaha!" the Goddess wailed, putting the video back on. "I am _never _gonna look at him the same way again... ahhhh..."

She stumbled into another major laughing fit, one that lasted for about five minutes and took two full cups of water to quench as she watched the awkward sex go from vaginal to anal, and the ensuing dialogue grew even more and more inappropriate.

"I'm a-coming!" Wario cried at last.

Toadette suddenly farted, which ejected Wario's dick from her asshole. It bounced off his belly, erupting jism all into Wario's face.

"WAAAAAAAAA!" he yelled until his seed splurted into his gigantic nostrils, choking him. Toadette had to quickly attempt to give him the Heimlich by ramming her giant head into his chest and shoving him against a wall.

But Wario continued to choke.

"What's wrong?!" Toadette exclaimed.

While gasping and gagging, Wario lifted his hands from his neck to show Toadette that a large bulge was moving around, stuck in the middle of his neck.

It was his come; unbeknownst to everyone but Wario, the seed had gestated in his old sack for so long, it turned into some sort of lumpy, milky substance.

"GAKKKKKK!" cried Wario as Toadette panicked.

She tried slapping him on the back. "NO TIME TO BE A PRUDE! YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO SWALLOW IT!"

Four manly tears escaped Wario's eyes as he swallowed the lump. His eyes then drooped to the floor in pitiful sadness.

Palutena laughed so hard she nearly choked as well. Ganondorf was now just as lost in the giggles; her unhinged cackling had finally broken through his last inner walls and sent him into a tizzy.

He hadn't just covered all the bases with this Goddess; he'd hit a home run. And he felt like this weirdness, this naked freedom, and this loving tenderness were all true gifts he could never, ever repay.

_Or... had she engineered a home run? There's no way she's really this into little old me. I'm just an evil, powerful, hyper-intelligent, tall, dark, and handsome, King of Darkness. Is there... something she wants? Some ulterior motive._

"Ah... ah... I'm sorry..." she continued at last. "Don't usually lose it like that. It's really not even funny-"

_Don't get attached, man. Just don't. I'm going to be so heartbroken when she goes around fucking other guys, _Ganon thought, before an even darker thought crossed his mind.

_She's probably going to try and complete the whole roster. _

_Ah, fuck it. I'd better enjoy this while it lasts._

At her bidding, Ganon played the clip again, and Palutena started slapping the ground in excitement, while he smiled wider than he ever remembered smiling.

* * *

**X. I Constantly Thank God For Unschooling**

"Daddy, is it normal for me to be seeing two of everything?" Bowser Junior asked as his head was spinning.

Bowser's laugh lit up the whole rec room when his table tennis ball landed in Don Luigi's cup.

"SCORE!" the Koopa King announced, and the Don drank up.

Falco nudged his teammate and motioned to where he would have a non-existent mustache. Understanding the gesture, Luigi wiped the excess foam from his 'stache.

"So long, King Bowser!" Luigi announced, stealing his brother's famous line. His ball landed in Koopa Junior's cup.

"Damn!"

Falco high-fived his employer. "OK, I'll admit it. You did pretty good, Don."

"Get a room, ya _fanooks_!" Bowser Junior held his index and middle fingers in a 'V' over his lips and mimed like he was eating out some female genitalia.

Falco scratched the back of his head. "Yo Bowser, your kid is pretty obscene for his age, don'tcha think?"

But Bowser merely shrugged. "He's a man, he can do what he wants as far as I'm concerned. That's what punk rock forgot. When and how to say 'fuck the po-lice' and exercise free speech. I believe what kids need are no rules, a decent library, birth control, and the freedom to figure shit out for themselves."

Luigi shrugged. "Well, when ya put it that way, it sounds a-like a pretty cool parenting philosophy."

"Possibly...?" conceded Falco.

Bowser Junior walked on up to the plumber-turned-mafioso and held up two fingers. "So... Don Weegee... do you only have two balls?"

"Yeah. Why, how a-many balls do you have?"

Bowser Junior rolled his eyes. "...Uh. Four."

Falco nearly choked on his beer. "That's kinda bizarre, dude."

"Yeah, man. Two down here," he motioned to his gonads. "And two up here!" he gesticulated, pointing to his eyeballs.

Falco facepalmed. "You are the cancer that is killing _Smash_."

"And you've got no sense of humor!" Bowser belted, smashing his ping pong ball across the room, where it ricocheted a half dozen times before landing squarely into Falco's cup.

"Bottoms up!" the bird-like guy conceded, and then proceeded to gulp down his beer.

"I'd... *** **hic** * **like to propose a toast to our new feminist overlords," said Bowser Junior, holding up a flyer he saw for a _Smash Vixens Burlesque Show_ in town.

Bowser, Falco, and Luigi all grabbed at the flyer and inspected it. Before too long, they emitted a unified sigh, as Despair of the Endless probably did every single day of her existence.

"Bro, this was three months ago," Falco told Junior. "Burlesque shows probably don't exist anymore."

Bowser hung his head. "Son, I am disappoint."

Tears welled in Junior's eyes.

_All I ever wanted was to please daddy, _Junior thought. _But he's never going to be happy with me._

Luigi tipped his hat and placed a hand on the kid's shoulder. "Don't a-fret about it, Junior. It's an easy thing a-to miss. Strive to develop an eye for detail, that is all."

Bowser's expression warmed. "I wasn't bein' serious, kiddo. Maybe we should all start getting ready for the party-"

Just then, the door creaked open. The beer pong players all looked over at Mario Mario, clad in his golf attire.

Mario took one look at the few remaining unopened forty-ounce bottles and shivered.

"Good day, everyone," he said simply, and forced himself to make eye contact with the room's inhabitants. He was succeeding pretty well, too.

Luigi caught his brother's eye at last. "Mario... have a-you been hitting the green?"

Nintendo's superstar wiped the sweat from his brow. "If a-you mean marijuana, the answer is no, _paisano_. I just whacked a few a-balls around until all a-the tension within came a-out."

Bowser Junior was shocked. "I don't think I should be hearing this sort of innuendo!"

Bowser growled and slammed his foot into the floor. "He was golfing, ya buffoons!"

Mario bowed. "You speak a-the truth. Enjoy a-your night, and I'll a-see you at the party. Better get ready soon. We don't a-want to be late."

He closed the door, leaving everyone in the room feeling a little better – if maybe a bit confused – about their old buddy.

* * *

**XI.** **Private Investigations**

Solid Snake had finally been able to simultaneously alternate his fingering Samus' pussy with the rhythm of his hip thrusts into Princess Peach.

The princess, lying on her back, ran her delicate hands all over his stubbly face and chiseled neck as he entered and exited her tight royal flesh. Her larger than life blue eyes expressed a form of bliss and carnal freedom he hadn't known she was capable of.

"Thank you…" Peach said through tears.

"Whatever for?" Samus asked as she began to probe around Peach's anus with her Sonic Screwdriver, bent on her knees and spread wide, watching her lovers' genitals.

"Ah… for sharing your lover with me."

Samus kissed the princess. "I did it all out of selfishness. You have no idea how hot it is seeing you two enjoying yourselves so much."

"Glad to hear it..." Snake said from behind clenched teeth. "This is totally a win-win-win situation."

Snake withdrew his hand from Samus' pussy. He kneaded Samus' glorious left breast and Peach's heavenly right one with either hand.

"I am seriously the luckiest guy in the Multiverse right now," Snake said aloud.

But as all great things must come to an end, so too did the moment, as a familiar ringing shook the tiny bones in Snake's ear.

"SNAKE! Snake, are you there?"

Solid Snake ignored the voice, but it continued.

"Snake, it's Otacon!"

"Shhhhh!" Snake yelled, withdrawing his finger from Samus' snatch and shoving it in his ear. "I'm busy!"

"Honey, who are you talking to?" asked Samus.

"N-n-nobody..."

She rolled her eyes. "Is your codec working again?"

"Yeah..."

"SNAKE, do you read?! Our CAST Server is under attack!"

"Gimme like half an hour, Otacon!"

"Don't do this to me, Snake!"

"Is there any way I can turn this thing off?" Snake asked as he tapped the outside of his earlobe. As all his mental faculties were wiggling his disco stick in and out of Peach's wet and willing womanhood, he seemed to have forgotten that the codec was implanted somewhere inside the little bones of his ear.

Samus bit Snake's ear, but it didn't help much.

"Whoa," Snake uttered, much like Neo upon seeing Morpheus leap across that hundred-plus-foot gap. "Kiiiiinnnky."

Samus took this as a challenge and proceeded to push the Sonic Screwdriver, now vibrating, so far up Peach's anus that it lined up nicely against Snake's piercing shaft.

"Ahhhhhh!" Peach screamed.

"Sammy! That's too much!" Snake added as he felt the pulsing device pushing Peach's insides even harder against his own member.

"I think she likes it," Samus replied, and then made out with the screaming princess.

Otacon gasped in shock. "Are you... having sex with both Peach and Samus at once...? You dirty rotten bastard! Ahhhh! I just wet myself. Fuck."

Ignoring Hal's whimpers, Snake sped up his rhythm, enjoying the lustful looks Peach kept throwing his way. She always was the perfect bimbo. "Otacon, get off the line!"

"Don't stop!" moaned the princess, who bit and sucked on Samus' lips. "Your cock rocks, Snake!"

"Are these walls sound-proofed?" Snake asked.

Peach slapped his cheeks, and then pinched them. "Why the hell are you worrying over a fool thing like that? Aren't you going to spray your hot man juices down my throat?"

But Samus squeezed Peach's nipple, hard.

"YEOWCH! What was that for?!" demanded the princess.

"His come is mine!" Samus stuck her tongue out.

"I don't think so!" yelled Peach, who bit Samus' tongue.

"REGGO!" wailed Samus.

All this talk was too much for poor David. "Ladies... it's close!"

Without warning, Peach yanked herself off of him and adjusted her position with her mouth to his cock, only to literally knock her forehead against Samus', since she had the same idea.

"OWW!" Samus cried.

"Sorry!" whimpered Peach.

And so it was that Snake, seemingly with no say in the matter, found his length quickly withdrawn from Peach. After the ladies recovered from the head-bopping incident, four impeccable, jelly-coated hands wrapped around Snake's dick as both the princess and the bounty hunter proceeded to pump him. The raw sensation was so intense that Snake had difficulty holding back, though he wanted to just to see what sort of plan these ladies had in mind.

They settled on a compromise: Samus sucked the tip of his dick while Peach pumped and licked the shaft. Snake's ultra-sensitive head was now engulfed in the ladies' saliva.

"Snake, can we get a visual? Sure wish I could see what's going on on..."

"FINISH HIM!" the _Mortal Kombat _announcer's voice demanded.

Samus and Peach both blinked. "Was that-?"

"Just got a text," Snake said, and then pulled out his phone. It was from Pit.

Pit:

Hey, uh, buddy... got your number from Dark Pit. Word is you've got the Molly hookup.

Snake showed the screen to his lovely ladies. "Your darling angel."

Peach and Samus giggled; they had reached that point in the coitus when anything and everything is funny; all the while, the well-fucked women were treating his shlong like a princely pecker, lathering it with minty oils and saliva, all the while keeping eye contact with their beloved.

Samus, who was smarter by a rather large margin, was the first to realize it. "Wait... you're selling E?"

Snake handed them both ecstasy pills, which they swallowed without hesitation. Snake then pinched Samus' cheeks. "For you, doll... the first dose is on the house."

"I'm not your doll, you dick!" Samus teased, and squeezed Snake's anaconda, hard.

"Oh, dear!" Peach exclaimed. "Let me release some of that tension."

She started licking his balls, and then swiftly slid on a well-oiled surgical glove.

"Hey, uh, appreciate the effort, but I'm not into ass-play," said Snake. "No one's ever entered my foxhole."

"Oh, but she's very good. I think you're going to like this," Samus told Snake with a smile, before sucking on his tip again.

"You've trusted us this far," Peach interjected, squeezing hard with just her thumb and middle finger around the base of his shaft and milking it ever so firmly, as if she were 'jelqing' him.

"OK... but don't tell anyone..." said Snake.

"Of course not, David," Peach giggled, and then winked before she wiggled and squeezed the tip of her other hand's heavily lubricated finger into his rectum.

"Ah... it's warm..."

"Does it hurt?" asked Peach.

"Ever been shot by a bullet?"

"Maaaaaybe."

"Yeah... well... this is worse."

"Stop being such a baby!" Samus pouted. "Stick it all the way in, Peachie!"

"Roger, roger!" announced Peach, and shoved her finger in another centimeter (0.39 inches).

She finally guided it up to his prostate, and timed her gentle pulls with her other hand's jerking motions.

Snake blinked. "That... huh. I think I see why some guys like this." He then took Samus' ponytail and pushed her head down further onto his cock.

The bounty hunter was now deep-throating Snake, just barely missing her gag reflex. Peach's hands didn't do much but work in tandem with his kegels to hold back his inevitable eruption of semen.

"I really can't believe he's lasting so long!" Peach laughed.

"Sorry... heh... thought I was done..." Snake chuckled.

"Ah've ghhhtt nnn iiyddeeeaahhh!" Samus mumbled while lashing her sweet, slickened tongue around Snake's Rock Lobster.

Suddenly, Samus grabbed Snake's gonads and massaged them.

"TOO MUCH!" Snake yelled, and spasmed from a ticklish reflex.

"Hang on! Aren't you supposed to be able to resist reflexive actions?" Peach asked. "Being a super-soldier and all."

Snake scratched the back of his head. "Well, sure, but... this... was never in the training."

"There's only one thing to be done!" Samus exclaimed, and then pushed Snake back onto the bed and leapt atop him, quickly lowering her dripping wet pussy onto his stiff member.

Samus descended at a speed that gave her that oh-so-satisfying painful-but-pleasurable feeling; Snake grabbed her hips and tried to stop her, but Peach held his arms back. "What are you-? AHHHH!"

His exclamation was at Samus' constant grinding against him. Snake could hold himself back no longer.

"HHYYYYEAAAAHHHH!" he yelled. Samus quickly jumped off of her lover, so Peach could get her mouth in and slurp up his erupting semen.

"Keep milking it!" Samus hollered. "I want some!"

Her mouth and cheeks filled to the brim despite having swallowed twice, Peach switched places with Samus.

"Mmmmmmm," said Peach before opening her tongue and showing Snake and Samus all the juicy stuff she slurped up. She then swallowed it like a good girl.

Snake picked her up by the chin and made out with her again, much to Samus' excitement.

Samus swallowed a good bit of Snake's cum. She then went up to make out with him as well, and gave him a surprise snowball. Or at least, she tried to.

Snake, after feeling that Samus was trying to spit his own jism into his mouth, used his tongue to fork it back into her mouth, before gently pinching her lips and nose.

"Nice try, Samus. My snowballing days are over."

"Snake, you were into snowballing?!" Otacon wondered into the codec. But Emmerich was ignored.

She promptly gulped down his love-juice, still pouting. "Hey bad boy, you owe us _big time_ for taking that glorious moment away from me."

"Oh?" Snake replied; this was a familiar thing for them. "And just what did you have in mind?"

Samus gave Peach a look that said '_got any ideas, princess?'_

The decision was instantaneous. After swallowing the last of Snake's sticky load, Peach held out Samus' two Sonic Screwdrivers. "Maybe you could poke our butts while we grind our pussies?"

And so the positions were once again switched. Peach was on her back, with Samus grinding hard up against her. Snake porked both of their asses with the vibrating Sonic Screwdrivers, whose rapidly fluctuating frequencies were sending ultra-fast energy oscillations up their sphincters, making for a sort of thundering avalanche of a vibration.

Sammy and Peach looked into each others' eyes, deeply, tenderly.

As much as Snake enjoyed fucking both of their asses with a sex toy, he couldn't help but feel a bit jealous of their special love. The Nintendo women had been together from day one of the CAST project, after all.

_Then again, they've just discovered one another. Let's let time and Samus' heart steer their own course. The best I can do is to support her... right?_

"SNAKE!" Samus yelled.

"Huh?" replied Snake. "Why are you yelling?"

Peach laughed.

"'Coz I called you like, three times! Are you hard again yet?"

He looked down at his dick, which was already throbbing with eagerness. "Harder than Lady Stoneheart's frozen nipples."

"Then stick your shaft into the valley of heaven!" groaned Samus.

Snake went eye-level with the two glistening pussies. Their pink, jeweled clitorii were shimmering like the Silmarils of old, filled with stolen light from the Trees of the Valar.

"Right on," Snake replied.

The insertion of his cock in between the women's dueling love holes inspired a cacophony of moans and purrs as Peach and Samus' pussies sandwiched his member in their midst.

Since he barely needed to move aside from gently rocking, since their hips were doing all the work, he lit up a cigarette.

"This is a no smoking room!" Peach whined, and pointed to an ash tray on the bedside table.

"Sorry, princess. Just a puff," said Snake, and took a long drag before putting his stick out. He whipped out a vape and continued to enjoy his nicotine.

"Thanks... I... I can't thank you both enough!" cried Peach, and real tears were coming down her face. "I've... always wanted to be fucked like this... by you guys... you're so fucking hot together, Jesus..."

"You called?" said Jesus, from _South Park: The Stick of Truth_, appearing in Peach's hallucination.

Peach shook it off.

Leaning over Samus' shoulder, Snake brushed a stray lock from her hair. "Hey, you okay?"

Peach smiled as she rubbed the length of her pink slit over his cock. "Never better."

Samus gave Snake the stink-eye. "That's my woman you're talking to," she teased, before looking to Peach. "And he's my man."

"Trust me, I'm terrified," Peach giggled. "You two together are like a Swiss Army Knife of deadliness. David, it appears you're just as firm as before."

"Don't remember OK-ing you calling me David."

"That's the great thing about royalty," Peach joked. "You never need to ask permission. I take what I want."

With that, Peach pulled backwards at just the right time, meanwhile wrapping her hand around to grab Snake's cock and shove it in her snatch, effectively stealing him from Samus.

"AHHH! Warn me first!" yelled Snake.

"No fair!" Samus cried.

But Peach just laughed and angled her legs back as Snake now could not help but to continue to pound her tightening insides.

Samus, indignant, moved up towards Peach's face, spun, and sat on it, facing Snake.

Peach was still giggling up until Samus slapped her titties.

"That's gonna leave a mark!" Peach whined.

"The last woman who stole my man like that got branded like a cow. If you know what's best for you, princess, you're gonna make it up to me," insisted Samus half-mockingly, half-threateningly.

"I live to make you happy, my love," replied Peach. She made with the puppy dog eyes as she lapped up Samus' juices.

All the while, Samus was rubbing her mound hard against Peach's mouth and nose and fondling her titties even as she made out with Snake.

The three lovers enjoyed their sex in relative silence, each of their mouths and genitals busy.

Snake couldn't close his eyes to the sight of Samus riding Peach's mouth even while he was deep inside the very wet princess.

"Uwaaaaahhhh..." Samus moaned like a busty _hentai_ maiden as Peach began using her tongue to slap against Samus' clit. "_Onii-chan... _(Big bro) _Itai..._ (It hurts...) Oh, fuck, I'm coming again!"

"Mmmmmm," said Peach as she felt the shudders of yet another orgasm ripple through her lithe body.

Snake, too, could hold himself back no longer and was nearing his Ultimate Climax.

"OH YEAH!" exclaimed Otacon over Snake's codec at the very instant he released his seed. "I'm coming too!"

"Goddammit!" Snake yelled.

* * *

**XII. Lonely is the Night**

Once Rosalina finished her hourlong fap session, she lay in bed cuddling up with a pillow for a good thirty minutes or so.

Eyes closed, she was listening to a soothing natural environments playlist. Chirping birds and outdoor nature sounds accompanied her riding wave of orgasmic bliss as she recalled all the dirty deeds Fiona outlined Link and Marth accomplishing in her three-part, five-hundred page erotica epic.

In the current chapter, Link had ever so brutally violated Marth's behind. Link was all for using butt plugs to stretch him out, but the Prince insisted that he wanted to be taken raw, and with no warning one day. Here, in fact, is an excerpt from Fiona's dark tome:

**Fifty Shades of Green, Chapter Eight (excerpt) (Yaoi warning!)**

...The violation was painful, even with gobs of Chu Jelly. Marth squirmed and cried, but Link merely had to kiss his lover's neck and bite him to ease the pain.

Marth's member grew three sizes that day as Link tapped the back of his prostate, propelling the prince to the pinnacles of penile pleasures, past any point he'd ever pondered.

The Hylian was quick with the reach-around. His tough but gentle hands fumbled at first around his lover's cut member.

Link's callouses had him in shivers.

Marth wailed in the common tongue like a wee lad. "AH! Careful... The tip... it's... so sensitive..."

"Shhhh," Link insisted. He began to pump Marth at the same rate he was penetrating him.

"It's hurt..." cried Marth. "Oh! I didn't know it could be like this... fuck... it's so good... I... OWWW!"

For Link had just taken a large bite into his ear.

"MMMMPPH!" Marth exclaimed as Link covered his mouth, all the while increasing the depth of his thrusts.

_My inner Goddess is crying out for me to demand more, _thought Marth sexily._ For him to fuck faster. But my body can only take so much._

"No more!" the poor prince cried. "Link! You're tearing me apart!"

"Do you want it in or out of your backdoor?!" Link deigned to ask, cackling maniacally.

Tears ejaculated from Marth's eyes as he felt warm butt-blood streaming out of his hole. "Whatever daddy wants!"

"HYEAAAAAHHH!" Link screamed. He pulled out his cock and shot all over Marth's back.

* * *

Rosalina blinked. Both aroused and disappointed by the book, she opened up her journal and began writing some notes.

_It really isn't very well-written. Marth, for one, is a total Gary Stu, a cheap idealized fantasy of a character who merely fantasizes about getting his mouth and anus violated by Link, whom he considers something of an 'older brother' figure. _

_And Link is portrayed as being a bisexual with a dirty, domineering side that isn't adequately fulfilled by Zelda. The two appear to be the 'perfect couple', but behind the scenes, Zelda calls the shots. _

_In Fiona's interpretation, this leaves Link feeling unfulfilled and powerless in his romance, which he gladly takes out on the young prince. There's pretty much no basis for it in reality, but it's kinda hot to think about._

She had always found that Marth to be quite dreamy. Of course, there were certain issues that would have to be resolved if she were ever to get close to him. For starters, he'd need to speak English.

_Or I can learn Japanese!_ Rosalina thought... and then remembered that there were two different _kana _alphabets to memorize, not to mention thousands of _kanji_. She closed the book on that idea.

"I need to get out of this room," she finally said aloud.

"Did you say something, Mama?!" Lubba asked from the main room, where all the Lumas were busy playing a _Mario Kart 8 _tourney on several dozen screens_._

"Nothing," Rosalina replied, stretching. She stood from her bed and went to her closet. Alongside her row of long, two-toned dresses, she also had a hearty collection of Disney ballroom gowns. She whipped out Belle's elegant ballroom dress from _Beauty and the Beast_, slipped it on, and twirled around in the mirror for a bit.

"I'm ready to make some friends," she said with a smile.

_I'm going to have a real human connection tonight, even if it kills me._

* * *

**XIII. Relax**

The Wii Fit Trainer was in the gym, just looking as fly as can be.

She was bending over, doing some squats and yoga. Marth sat on the sidelines, cooling down from a workout of his own... but he was rather interested in the gray-skinned beauty.

Not to mention, he really, really needed to take his mind off the fact that he was now one of the main characters in a best-selling erotic story.

Once the Trainer had finished several hundred reps, Marth took the initiative to go up and hand her her bottle of water.

"Suitaru-ga ii-na," (You have a nice figure) he began.

She took the water and began to unscrew the top. "Thanks," she said in her monotone fashion.

"Nani iro-no shitagi-o tsuketeru-no?" (What color is your underwear?) he asked out of the blue.

The Trainer gave him a stare with her blank expression. At first, Marth was worried she didn't understand any Japanese, but little did he know that she was not only bilingual, she actually had a Babel Fish in her ear.

"I don't believe that's any of your business," she replied in English before refusing the water.

Marth gaped. The line usually worked on the women he mated with. Then again, they were usually groupies who just wanted to be able to say that they slept with such an uber-hot guy.

"Kimi-no-koto igai-wa kangaerarenai!" (I can't live without your love!) he said dramatically, making a big deal out of it by getting down on one knee.

The Fit Trainer looked him over coldly. The iciness in her stare was enough to leave Marth in a defeated state. He dropped the water bottle on the floor and made for the exit. The Fit Trainer did nothing to stop him as he disappeared from sight.

With a sigh, she walked on over to pick up the bottle of water, but just before she could pop the top and get some o' that sweet hydration, she heard a voice even more machine-like than her own.

"Hey-baby-cakes. Wouldn't-you-like-to-drink-something-a-little-more-tasty?"

The Fit Trainer turned around, aghast at this lewd proposition. And who else should she see but the Ruining-Of-Orifices-Bot (R.O.B.), the R.O.B. who was usually on beta-testing duty with the Smashers. He was gold-plated, wearing an L.A. Lakers Snapback, and had just lit up a cigarette next to a 'No Smoking' sign, but there wasn't nobody with balls big enough to tell him to snuff it out.

I mean, between him and the Trainer, there wasn't anyone in the room _with _balls, of course, but that's besides the point.

While she was mad about the pick-up line at first, once she saw whose voice it was, she immediately soaked her undergarments.

Something about the presence of the Ruining-Of-Orifices-Bot caused a physical reaction within the Fit Trainer. She had never before been so attracted... to anything.

Before the woman could fully process what was happening, she was down on her knees in reverence.

"Come-to-me."

The Wii Fit Trainer crawled on over to R.O.B., who also closed the distance, even as a hole opened in his base/jet compartment, allowing for the emergence of a shiny metal cock. Nine inches, with a core of Unicorn Horn +5.

Without a word, she gazed up at the android and began pumping his member with her fists.

He whirred in ecstasy as her hands worked him like a complex piece of exercise equipment, which she now understood to be the main attraction between them.

"That's it! Feel your shaft tissue tightening!"

"Woman, I_ know_ I'm tight. Let's see if you are."

R.O.B.'s claw-hand turned and shifted as it navigated its way to the Trainer's nether regions.

"OH!" she exclaimed as his chilly, pump-action appendage began rapidly vibrating against her clitoris.

She squeezed her thighs around the robot's arm as it continued to smack her sex at a rapid pace.

"I can feel it in my glutes!" she moaned while grinding against R.O.B.'s vibrating arm.

The Fit Trainer wrapped her legs around his long body and began to slide her wetness up and down him, stopping just as her genitals rubbed against the base of the android's shaft.

"You can't stop your workout halfway," R.O.B. insisted. He finally grabbed the Trainer's waist with his arms and pushed her down onto his cock.

The Trainer spread her legs and tore open a hole in her sweat pants, allowing for the metal member to poke her naked form.

"Keep pushing!" she commanded him as the cock began to penetrate her. "My heart rate is rising!"

A delighted whimper escaped the Trainer's lips as R.O.B. made with some pump-action. His dick pumped against her like a piston, withdrawing several inches at the base before rapidly extending again. She had only to wrap herself around the 'bot and hold on for dear life as he gave her the ride of his life.

"You're... the best exercise machine ever..." she moaned while continuing to grind.

* * *

Rayman woke up in a medical bed, his limbs all strapped down with multiple leather belts. He looked around but saw only a dark silhouette of Dr. Derek Stiles, who was fiddling with some equipment.

"Hey... uh... Doc? Mind if I get some breathing room?"

Derek put down the power drill and sauntered on over to glare at poor torso boy.

"Your 'friend' is liable to outbursts in situations like these," said the Doc. "We aren't taking any chances. Ludwig, flip that shit."

Ludwig Koopa giggled as he flung open a toggle and pressed the Big Red Button.

Rayman squirmed against the restraints. "Am I... Am I... Am I... hang on! HANG ON! NOOOO!"

He was screaming because he was seeing holographic images of Rabbids slapping him around, dissecting him, and generally torturing his candy-ass.

"You won't take me alive, alien scum!"

Dr. Stiles frowned. "Come on, let him out."

"NO! I hate him!" Rayman railed.

"We need to isolate the cause of the problem in order to help you obliterate it," said the Doc. "Ludwig, give him the Lums."

"WHAT?!" screamed the poor Rayman as the cackling Koopa marched on over with a loaded syringe full of Lum Energy.

"Drink up, big boy!" said Ludwig as he shoved the needle into Rayman's nose just as he was force-fed the image of himself fighting like a gladiator for the amusement of those deranged bunny-things.

"AHHHHHH!"

He fought the hallucinations and tried to imagine Globox chillin' with him, handing him a cold beer.

_Someone get me out of here! Please!_

As if on cue, Rayman's split-personality kicked back into gear. _YOU KNOW... YOU COULD ALWAYS LET "ME" TAKE OVER._

_Not gonna happen! _thought Rayman.

"You're doing very well!" Derek said enthusiastically as the torturous session continued. "Just let that fucker come to the surface!"

_DO AS HE SAYS, PURPLE ONE._

_If you're not a part of me, then what are you?_

_I AM THAT WHICH YOU COULD BE, BUT FOR FEAR._

_Still speaking in riddles, I see..._

_AT LEAST NOW WE CAN HAVE A CONVERSATION... I HAVE SEEN YOUR HEART. YOU CRAVE ONLY PEACE. NO AMBITION CAN COME OF IT._

"Do you hear his voice?" Dr. Stiles asked. "What's he saying? Ludwig, run a brain scan, stat!"

_Peace and freedom are all anyone ever needs, man._

_FOOL. YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND MY POWER. THE ACCUMULATION OF ERRORS WITHIN YOUR FILE IS CORRUPT ENOUGH TO BE TURNED INTO A VIRUS THAT COULD SABOTAGE THE GLOBAL ECONOMY._

_Oh, cool._

_HUH? IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY? THE REALMS ARE AT WAR. WE NEED BUT TO STAKE A CLAIM ON THE UBISOFT SERVER BY CHALLENGING THE ORIGINAL RAYMAN CAST MEMBER._

Suddenly a light flashed in his eyes.

"For heaven's sake, Ray, SAY SOMETHING!" Stiles demanded, looming over the table.

"Buzz off, Stiles!" Rayman finally yelled.

"Not until we see the _other _guy!"

_GIVE THE MAN WHAT HE WANTS._

"Goddamnit..." Rayman grumbled. "You don't... He's... he's dangerous!"

"That's why we need to isolate him!" Ludwig hollered, tossing a Tab Cola can at the patient's face.

Rayman's spirit was crushed as the can smacked him on the nose.

"I hate this," said Rayman. "I hate it so much."

Once again, he wished Globox was there to calm him down and tell him not to worry about a thing, 'coz every little thing was gonna be alright.

"Take it easy, Ludwig!" Stiles shushed his assistant.

Ludwig shivered and tried to calm himself by sucking on a thumb.

"You'll have to forgive him," said Derek as he wiped away the limbless one's tears. "He's not playing with a full deck. A little too many bops on the head, probably."

Rayman nodded bravely. "Will the hallucinations continue?"

The Doc hit a button on a remote control. His shackles were unbolted, and Rayman quickly hopped down onto the floor.

"Until we find a cure," said Derek. "But we're done for the night. Wanna head to the party? I hear Square-Enix is hosting it."

"Lovely," said Rayman, still shivering from his encounter with the Rabbids.

Derek offered him a bag of Reese's Pieces and tousled his hair. "You were pretty brave."

Rayman shakily pulled on his dusty old professor's jacket under a turtleneck and dress pants. "So... is this like... a nine-to-five thing... or...?"

Stiles laughed as he grabbed his coat and top hat. "Oh, no, no, no. We pull eighteen-hour days. Light, Eggman, Wily, and I are gonna take shifts!"

"WHAT THE EFF?!"

Ludwig cackled like a maniac, spit flying in every direction like an omni-directional garden hose attachment.

"We're mad scientists, man! You can't take this away from us! Oh, and you'll be paid, by the way."

"Really?"

Derek patted him on the back as the trio walked into the elevator. "Yeah, see, it's not all bad. Always look on the bright side of life."

* * *

**XIV. The Joker and the Swordswoman**

Lucina, now formally dressed for the party, left her room and made for the elevator. It wasn't two steps out the door when she felt the slightest of wobbles in one of her high heels.

"Damn..." she whispered. "Perhaps I should find some sandals..."

Just then, she imagined what all the other princesses would be wearing to the party. _If I wore flat-tops... isn't that, like, a sin? Why, I'll be under-dressed! Peach and Zelda are going to outclass me! This cannot be my fate._

She bit the bullet and decided to test the shoes out. The blue-haired Lord-class steeled her determination and faced the elevator head-on.

"Come, feet. I just need you to walk in a straight line."

The first seven steps were fine, but on the eighth, the poor girl tried, and failed, to put her best foot forward.

And she would have fallen if it were not for the rush of a doorway whooshing open, and a supremely handsome gent swooping in to save her.

"Gotcha!" Shulk exclaimed as he grabbed Lucina's waist and set her standing straight up again.

But the girl was frozen stiff.

"It's my special ability!" he announced, adjusting his slightly disheveled penguin suit. "I can see things before they 'appen, love, is wicked fun."

"You... touched me..." Lucina exclaimed, shivering.

He twirled the Monado. "Surely it wasn't all that bad, was it?"

"I do believe your hand rubbed the upper portions of my buttocks!"

Shulk looked around sheepishly as he followed her, matching her slow pace, down the long hall towards the elevator. "Um... it must have been an accident?"

"I am shamed! Your failure to apologize is making things awkward."

Shulk rubbed behind her head. "Er... sorry?"

"Very well! I accept your apology."

"Uh... cool."

"Let us not speak of this!"

To lighten up the topic, Shulk made a risky decision. "Hey, um... didn't catch a name..."

"Lucina."

"Lucina! Right. My friends and I... we're kind of... pranking people."

"I am not familiar with this term."

"We pull tricks. Deceive them."

"Why would you do such a fell thing?"

"S'all for shits and giggles."

Lucina mock-slapped Shulk. "Gracious! What a foul mouth you've got. Do you mean, sir, that you defecate while laughing, or that you laugh while defecating?"

"They don't make 'em like you anymore." The Monado wielder smiled and held eye contact. Shulk rubbed his cheek, and then ran the back of his hand over her rosy face, perhaps a bit too cheekily, if you catch my drift. "You are simply too cute."

Frustrated, the time traveler turned towards the staircase. Shulk just barely grabbed onto an outer hem of her skirt to catch her attention.

"I mean that in the best way possible," he told her. "Just wanted you to know."

"Bold theatrics are no way to win a noblewoman over," Lucina insisted.

"What would impress you, then?" asked Shulk.))

Lucina thought for a second. "Could you perhaps teach me how to walk in these things?"

Shulk laughed. "Aha! It's a trap! If I say 'yes', you'll know that I enjoy dressing up in heels and parading around in women's clothing! Hypothetically, of course. I don't _reaaaally_ do that. Tha's not me, guv."

"Now I'm not so sure," Lucina said, furrowing her brow.

"See what I mean?" Shulk replied, yanking off the "Kick Me" sign that he Scotch-taped to Lucina's backside and showing it to her. "You're too adorable to prank! I reckon borderline naive!"

"Scoundrel!" she said in a semi-flirtatious manner.

They finally arrived at the elevator and hit the button.

"Seriously, though. Toon Link, Lucas, and I are about to pull a nasty one on Wario."

"What did he ever do to you?"

Shulk shrugged as he brought out a joint. "Eh, I think Toon Link's owed some bread. Not my place to ask, really. Where are you off to?"

"The... party... thing..." Lucina mumbled.

"Whuzzat?" he asked, being hard of hearing.

(**A/N:** A little backstory on Shulk: The simple fact is, Shulk, as a CAST Member, had undergone hundreds of thousands of hours more in post-gameplay beta-testing. With _Xenoblade Chronicles _being a simply massive, 170-plus-hour game, he had logged in more work-time in a single title than anyone else. Then he had to remake it all over again for the 3DS. With multiplied CAST errors overloading his file, the poor fellow was subjected to nightmares and PTSD. The errors caused him to, for instance, spontaneously change accents or see people as eggplants for 1/120 Frames. But with the help of Mr. Miyamoto and Mr. Sakurai, Shulk trained in every Nintendo realm for the upcoming CAST War. So he got better and shit. Of course, Lucina had no idea of any of this.)

"Never mind."

The elevator hit the ground floor and the two waddled out of it, through an absolutely immense lobby, with multiple levels of hovercarts, planes, karts, spaceships, and mounts.

She spotted the Princess of Hyrule, riding sidesaddle behind her Hero, who bore a standard carrying the Hylian Crest. Link wore a cloak that hid a magnificent green tux.

Lucina tried to increase her pace, but Shulk kept up with her.

The Divinely blessed duo streamed down the mountain in a flash. Their setup shimmered in the moonlight as if lit by Andrew Lesnie's cinematography and accompanied by Howard Shore's score. And all parted for Epona as she leapt over the other vehicles and cut across country.

"In a hurry, then?" Shulk pointed out.

"I'm never late," said Lucina.

"In that case, you'll appreciate a ride?" Shulk said, and then motioned to the Toad valet. The Toad hit a button on his computer and tossed Shulk the keys.

In a few seconds, a Paratroopa drove a _Mario Kart Double Dash! _Parade Kart out of the vast Hangarage, turbo-boosted around the corner to make a quick U-turn, and skidded to a stop in front of Shulk and Lucina.

"Pretty sick, eh? Miyamoto-san got it for me," said Shulk as he tipped the Paratroopa and jumped into the front seat. "We'll be at the gathering in no time."

Lucina eyed the car suspiciously. "That chariot doesn't look safe in the slightest."

Deliberately mimicking a scene from Disney's racist but nevertheless entertaining film _Aladdin, _Shulk held out his hand. "Do you not trust me?"

"Tis not your character I distrust, only the devilry of your metallic beast."

Shulk inspected the perfectly normal-looking Kart. "Posh, it's only 150CCs. Mostly harmless. I don't see the problem."

Just then, Lucina spotted Wario skidding around a nearby corner with Toadette riding behind him... that is, until Diddy and DK plastered the duo with a well-thrown Red Shell and went breezing by on their merry way.

"How invigorating! ...Very well. Let us ride," conceded Lucina, who, impressed with the display, stepped with gusto onto the back of the Kart.

Shulk kick-started the engines and boosted out of the driveway.

* * *

**XV. Havin' A Party**

Rosalina descended the private Cloud that took her to the party grounds, on an isolated island between the Smashgrounds and the Tomodachi Life compound.

The entourage of Lumas, much to her relief, went off to do their own thing, and by that I mean get wasted, dance, and toss star bits at one another.

She was evidently early, since several dozen of the Smash Domesticators (Hopeful DLC characters) were finishing up their setups for various food and drink tables.

Bowser and Bowser Junior waved to her from a nearby table, where they were devouring some flame-grill rotisseried Chocobos.

"Howdy, Rosalina!" Bowser Junior called, and tossed her a wing.

Rosalina caught it with her Gravity Well and imagined the poor, adorable Chocobo it once belonged to. Then she took a large bite out of it, letting the savory, juicy taste of the tender meats within the wing mix with the oils from its crispy skin, cooked at just the right temperature and length.

"Wow, that's delicious!" Rosalina said, starry-eyed.

Bowser devoured an entire Chocobo in one gulp, and then he and his son performed a head-banging air guitar solo.

"This creature really is delicious!" exclaimed Bowser as he chowed down on some delectable Chocobo leg. "Kudos on Square-Enix for the catering job!"

And so Rosalina ate with the Koopas for a bit. Eventually, Sonic showed up, with his posse in tow. He wore a top hat, a bowtie, and spats over his shoes.

In an attempt to resolve some unresolved tensions from their Yo Mama fight, Bowser Junior immediately burst out laughing at Sega's mascot.

"Oh, man! Who are you, the Monopoly Guy?"

Sonic groaned. "That's an Ace Ventura line, bro. A runt like you doesn't get to steal it!"

Bowser Junior laughed. "Whatevs, blue-balls."

Tails whispered something into Sonic's ear; it only took about a second.

"Hey, Junior," Sonic taunted in his '90s fashion.

"Yeah?"

"Your parents ever read you The Berenstein Bears at night when you were a toddler?"

"No. Why, should they have?"

Sonic shrugged. "Well, you can't exactly blame them. Your mom isn't just dumb and fat, she's illiterate, too!"

"Hey!" yelled Bowser. "This is my turf, blue stuff! Have some class!"

And inevitably, to earn his commission, Sonic announced: "The Big Book of The Berenstein Bears, only $7.49 on Amazon with free shipping on orders over $35!"

Bowser Junior ripped off his tuxedo. "OH, IT'S ON! I'm gonna rub your sell-out shtick in the mud!"

"Hopefully it isn't mud leaking from your mom's oily rectum!" Sonic replied while tapping his foot.

And so the two continued their unending 'Yo Momma' contest, while Sonic's friends and Bowser cheered on in support. Pac-Man waddled on by and offered unsolicited jokes and heckling of his own.

Rosalina was really not into this sort of thing, so she bid adieu to Bowser and wandered off to use the bathroom before returning to the party.

As the Mother of Lumas entered the fray once more, a gust of wind overhead sent her hair into tangles.

The large vehicle dropped down its cargo in a tractor-beam. Its silhouette was unmistakable.

Pikachu descended his floating limo and waddled onto the scene at the party, wearing his backwards cap.

"PEH-KA!" (Where's Doctors Eggman and Light? I need to kill some Nokia executives!)

But no one answered him, since Meowth was not around to translate, having ran off to take a piss after being trapped in a vehicle with his boss for an hour.

Pikachu kicked a can across the floor. He flashed his middle finger to a nearby Camera Lakitu and sparked up another Cuban.

The Pokemon looked up as a shadow crossed his face. It was none other than Machamp, his personal bodyguard.

"Gwarrr!" (The Doctors have disappeared.)

So upset was the electric Pokemon that his Static fried his cigar between his fingers. "PEEEHHHKA!" (Fucking find him, then, you sack of shit!)

The Machamp turned to hide his quivering lip and sauntered away in frustration and indignance.

Meowth returned from his piss to see his boss fuming.

"Hey, boss... remember... practice the Vipassana meditation. Concentrate on your breathing. Observe the sensations. Those sensations are just temporary, just passing."

Pikachu practiced the ancient Buddhist technique. He closed his eyes and let his perception of his body run up and down him, in waves.

"Pikachu." (Right you are. Let's get some grub.)

But before the rodent could take another step, he met the eye of Falco Lombardi.

"Yo Pikachu, the Don wants to see ya."

Toad opened up a rather long curtain; from behind it, clad in Sean Connery's brown and black suit from _Goldfinger_, who else but Don Luigi threw a quick glance his way from a private VIP table.

Pikachu nodded to Meowth and they made their way past a myriad of Smashers, hostesses, waiters, and guests and into the lounge, passing the disgruntled Machamp, who was downing Jaeger bombs at the bar with Greninja and Charizard.

The Don nodded as they entered. Falco wasted no time in finding Pikachu and Meowth their scotch glasses. They toasted.

"I hope a-you'll excuse my shortness on this manner, but there isn't much time. There's an invading force," said Don Luigi. "Thousands of the other CAST Members are a-revolting against this pseudo-feminist tyranny. They're coming here to kill us all."

Pikachu and Meowth's cartoon eyes were stricken with shock.

"If you'll a-forgive the analogy, Meowth, we all know what happens when a Rattata is cornered."

Meowth scratched his head. "It uses Tail Whip and then dies like a bitch?"

"CHUUU GAAA!" (I think what you mean to say, Don, is that we should act tonight?)

Luigi motioned with his hands in genuine fake Italian fashion. "_Magnifico_. A coup d'etat. These ROBs and a-SWAT Bots are being controlled from somewhere, aren't they?"

"We can find out," said Falco in a moment of inspiration. "We just ask Sakurai."

* * *

**XVI. Behind Brown Eyes**

Bomberman was in a terrible argument with Daisy; both were trying to get a rise out of one another. Out of curiosity, Rosalina deigned to walk into the middle of this fray and inspect the situation.

"They were last seen with you!" Bomberman insisted. "Even fuckin' Travis saw it!"

Travis Touchdown was busy playing Burger Time on a nearby arcade machine. "Say what?"

Bomberman was livid. "Fuckin'... Daisy here was flirting with Robuttnik and Dr. Santa Claus! Then she pulled up her dress and a buncha tentacle-thingies sucked them into a goddamn portal! You saw it too, right?!"

Travis turned away from the screen for a split-second to see the crowd that had gathered. "Yeah, I saw it. Gave me the weirdest boner. I say pull her skirt up and check it out!"

"Heavens, no!" Daisy yelled. "That's sexual harassment!"

Behind her, a small army of women, including Midna, Goombella, Wonder-Pink, Adeleine, Amy Rose, Lyn, and Mach Rider started nodding respectfully towards Daisy in agreement.

"You have no proof, Bomberman!" said Wonder-Pink. "And you're a pervert!"

"That's besides the point!" Bomberman cried. "Someone... anyone... please listen to me..."

"He's a conspiracy theorist," said Daisy. "His words are meaningless!"

"Yeah! Stop badgering her!" Goombella insisted.

"Tell me where the Doctors went, then, Daisy!" Bomberman yelled.

"She already said she doesn't know anything!" Wonder-Pink screamed.

Bomberman tossed his martini glass into the floor, shattering it. "And you're gonna take her by her word? Why, 'coz she's a princess? Do you not remember whose side she was fightin' on out there? This is our prime suspect right here! Where's Edgeworth? Or even fucking Layton?! I can practically smell your _Feminazi_ pheromones! Is there a goddamn _man _in this place?!"

Rosalina, having seen enough, ventured towards the bar, where she came face-to-face with the Koopa bartender.

"Lady Rosalina!" he greeted her. "What'll you be having?"

But she was indecisive. "What do you think I'd like to have?"

"For the lady... I recommend a Mimosa."

"Then I'll have one," she replied, and then looked at her accompanying Luma. "Er, make it two."

"Do you have any ID?" the Koopa asked, and Rosalina's face flushed. "I'm just kidding!" he added. "I know you're technically a minor. But that's fine. It's not like we can kill anyone by driving inebriated, right?"

Rosalina gave him a warm smile, which he returned as he handed her her Mimosa, mixed with champagne and orange juice.

After paying him, she stood and wandered the party.

The band was taking a break; meanwhile, Dr. Wily was just beginning to set up his_ DJ Hero_ booth.

While standing and observing miniatures of the various arenas in _Super Smash Bros._, Rosalina heard the footsteps and voices of some of the approaching male Smashers and hid behind a pillar, somewhat shy and embarrassed to be seen alone.

It was the Eight-Player Smash group: Kirby, Meta-Knight, Dedede, Melville, Mega Man, Wolf, Olimar, Mr. Game and Watch, and Ike.

"Wait, so you lost your wee-wee? Sorry to hear, man," Melville told Mega Man.

"I'll deal," Mega Man replied. "Hopefully my date goes well."

Ike was confused. "I still don't get why you wanna take her to the city. The party's right here."

"We'll probably head back here afterwards," replied the Blue Bomber. "Wait, did we ever clarify with Melville what the signal was gonna be?"

King Dedede munched on his Tepig pork belly bowl. "Don't look at me, you da man wid the plan."

"Numb-nuts!" exclaimed Kirby. "How are we supposed to know when he's hookin' up with her?"

"Hey, man, chillax," said Olimar as his Pikmin were loading up dinner plates for the group. "We haven't even hit up the buffet yet. Let's give him some time to get with the foreplay."

The group turned a corner and disappeared from earshot.

The Mother of Lumas took a deep breath in relief and turned her eyes to a VIP table, which was already seating a few guests of honor.

She approached the Miis of Masahiro Sakurai, Shigeru Miyamoto, and Satoru Iwata, who were sitting on a table alongside Lady Fi (Mother CAST), Ness, Dark Pit, Mewtwo, DK, and Diddy Kong.

"Good evening, creators," Rosalina said warmly. "I didn't know you would be gracing us with your presence. And hello to everyone else as well."

DK saluted her. "Glad you made it out of your room, Rosa."

"I think we could all use a breath of fresh air after the last twenty-four hours we've had," said Dark Pit.

Diddy Kong chuckled as he pulled out the seat beside him for Rosalina to sit on. "Ya can say that again."

Mewtwo's arms were crossed. "I'm still upset nobody told me 'til the last minute."

"What, and have the fight be over in thirty minutes?" Sakurai fake-laughed. "Obviously I wanted it that way. We couldn't overload the system and update Lady Fi if the server wasn't pushed past its limit. Cretins."

Ness looked rather hurt. "If you hate us so much, then why come here?"

Sakurai chugged his sake before pouring some more. "How could you even think that I hate you?! I obsess over every single detail of this place. I practically live here," he said, and then hiccuped. "Maybe it's just cabin fever... you know, Smash has been both a blessing and a curse to me."

"How so?" asked Rosalina.

"For one, it's impossible for me to have a social life," Sakurai said, rubbing his eyebags. "My wife thinks I'm a control freak! It doesn't matter what game I work on, somehow my team, hardworking as they are, don't _get _it. I have to fine-tune every single character's hitboxes and damage counters. Oh, but that isn't the end, either. There are still known bugs in the shipped cartridge. Wario's aerial movement is doing shit we can't explain. Peach is being kicked from _For Glory _for pulling turnips. The new Vectoring system needs fine-tuning. Yoshi's glitchy as all heck. And the fans are still butthurt over the roster cuts. There's just no pleasing everyone. It's infuriating, I tell you."

Mr. Miyamoto just laughed and slapped Mr. Sakurai on the back. "Hey, kid. How many times have I told you ya take this waaaaay too personally. It's just business. The fans tell us what they want, and we give 'em what they want. Sort of. And if we don't give it to 'em, they'll make it! Just look at _Project M_."

Sakurai nodded. He dug the fan-made mod, but could never say so publicly, since that could be misconstrued as Nintendo supporting a game that is in violation of their copyrights. As a matter of policy, Nintendo did kind of support _PM_, if only because it still requires _Brawl _discs in order to work.

Following some silence, Shigeru Miyamoto continued. "Some peeps may not see how well you balanced this one, how much of your blood, sweat, and tears went into it... but I do. It was well-done. You've made the ultimate four-player fighting game, but more importantly, you made possible a complete overhaul of the CAST system."

"Fighting _action _game," Sakurai said, referring to a definition he himself posted once on the _Super Smash Bros. Picture of the Day._

"Cool story bro," said Miyamoto jokingly. He then nudged Mr. Iwata, who was staring off into the distance, kind of entranced.

"Yo, Toru-kun. You doin' aight?" Miyamoto jested as he jostled the Mii of Nintendo's CEO.

"What happened to him?" asked Rosalina.

"My bad. He ingested a few too many of my magic mushrooms while we were off hiking," said Mr. Miyamoto. "He didn't even want to be here, but his wife chewed him out after he pretended he was Cthulu by harassing her with rubber tentacles on his fingers for about an hour on the trail. Long story."

Satoru Iwata's Mii frothed at the mouth at the mention of his wife. Shigsy took his napkin and wiped the saliva off as he would from a small child.

"Now, now, Toru-kun, that's no way to behave at the table," Shigsy joked as Iwata made highly disconcerting gurgling sounds.

Masahiro Sakurai's Mii had finally finished his bottle of digital sake and decided he wanted another one. He stood up without a word and made for the bartender. The man would have tripped and fallen over, if it weren't for Phosphora, clad in a watercolor-patterned kimono with a lightning bolt motif, picking him up and letting him saunter on over while hanging off her shoulder.

"Take it easy, boss," Phosphora whispered.

"You think _this_ is drinking?" Sakurai slurred. "In real life I've knocked back three bottles! They're stinking up the office!"

"Poor guy," said Dark Pit. "He's really been cranking away on the games... he still hasn't had a break."

Rosalina had no sooner finished her Mimosa than Midna hovered on up behind her dressed in a French maid outfit. Her orange hand-thing was hoisting a tray of flaming shot glasses.

"Mario's fireball whisky," Midna said with as much disdain and sarcastic affect as Thora Birch's character in the movie _Ghost World._

She hesitated at first, but upon seeing the others at the table the Mother of Lumas took a glass.

"Bottoms up!" exclaimed Shigeru, who gulped his down with a satisfied expression on his face, and then smiled at Rosalina. "Would you care to dance, milady?"

Rosalina blushed. She didn't recall ever dancing before. "Um... I don't think I'll know what to do."

"That's okay!" Miyamoto giggled as he offered his hand. "Neither do I! That's what's great about being the boss. Nobody can ever make fun of you."

And so Rosalina gathered up her courage, putting aside her fears and anxieties as she joined Mr. Miyamoto on the dance floor.

* * *

**XVII. Run To The Hills**

Not too far away, dressed up in a snazzy leisure suit, Captain Falcon was posing for some impromptu photos with _Final Fantasy I_'s Light Warriors when he spotted the poofy '80s haircut that could only belong to Mach Rider. He gently elbowed Black Mage.

"Need a favor, pal."

"Can't hear you." Black Mage held out his palm and beckoned for a bribe.

Captain Falcon rolled his eyes and whipped out a case of 100 coins, which meant fucking nothing to him. "My ex keeps trying to hook up with me. Like, for serious. It was cool at first, but I'm just not sure I'm ready for that kinda commitment right now, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Silence. Now that Cecil and Kain had joined the crowd, Sora snapped a few more shots.

Black Mage made the motion again. "Still can't hear ya, pal."

"Oh, fuck you, man, that's all the cash I got on me," Falcon told him before flashing him the bird. "The last thing I need right now is my ex. I need to disappear."

Little Mac, who'd just arrived on the scene, tapped Captain Falcon on his thigh. Douglas turned and was surprised to see his buddy not only wearing a zoot suit, but holding a Poisoned Mushroom.

"It won't make ya disappear, but it should help ya shrink for a bit."

"Good man!" Falcon cheered, and hugged his buddy before swallowing the whole thing and shrinking down shorter than Little Mac.

Black Mage nodded to the Captain. "I'll grab Sora and we'll hit on her," he explained. "Get outta here."

Captain Falcon saluted the mage as he made like a tree and got the hell outta there.

He nearly bumped into Zelda, who was dragging a groggy Link towards the bar. She was wearing a dress that sparkled with the radiance of the Triforce. A Sheikah bandana held her hair in place, while Triforce earrings completed the image. Link, meanwhile, had been shoved into a forest green tuxedo, which looked as adorably awkward on him as you'd expect. His excess hair was tied in a short ponytail.

"Ah, sorry, princess."

But Zelda merely noticed that the Captain was hiding from Mach Rider. "Getting cold feet already? You two seemed so excited earlier."

"That was before I remembered how kinky she was."

Link scratched behind his ear. "What are you afraid of, Doug? Death by snoo-snoo?"

Captain Falcon facepalmed. "I can't even. What would you know of this matter, Link? Your girlfriend is the most level-headed woman in the entire gaming industry."

"That's _why _she's my girlfriend," said Link, who put his arm around his beloved. "There's no one else worth going steady with around here. I will accept no substitutes."

Zelda gave Link a peck on the cheek. "I appreciate your odd ways of showing affection, honey. And best of luck, gentlemen..." she continued, suddenly motioning with her eyes to Mach Rider, who was currently rejecting Black Mage's disgusting advances. "I suggest we make like a banana and split."

"Duly noted," said Little Mac, who'd already pushed Captain Falcon down. They slunk away from the scene and hid behind Dr. Wily's turntable, where Mac fed the Captain another Poisoned Mushroom.

"We gotta find somewhere to hide for good," said Mac.

But Doctor Wily scoffed at them from behind his cool-looking Geordi Laforge eyepiece. "Hey, get the hell off my stage, wannabes," he said.

"Wily!" Little Mac exclaimed. "Eggman and Light are missing. Do you have any idea where-?"

Wily took off his eyepiece, now genuinely concerned. "Missing? Since when?"

Mac shrugged. "All I know's both the Don and Pikachu are lookin' for 'em, and they haven't been seen since a couple of hours ago, when Bomberman saw Daisy chatting them up. Apparently Travis saw somethin' as well, but it's impossible to get anything out of him! He's trying to beat the _Burger Time _world record!"

Tightening his grip on the mixer as he used a foot pedal to add a distortion effect, Wily growled. "And here I was thinking they ditched me to hang out at Magneto's orgy."

"Magneto's having an orgy?!" Captain Falcon beamed.

"For _Marvel VS Capcom_ alumni only," said Wily as he effortlessly remixed Daft Punk with Gorillaz for the stoned and drunk crowd of celebs.

But the acclaim only lasted so long. He had been doing these kinds of parties for decades now. Wily bobbed his head. "Yeah, fuckin' sucks, right? They'd be workin' the pyrotechnics. After my set, I'll go look for those idiots. Ugh. I keep telling them to be careful, but nooooooo... no one ever listens to old Wily. Pity..."

After bidding adieu to the old grump, Mac and Captain Falcon finally absconded the party by escaping backstage, to the kitchen, where nameless ROBs were preparing meals for the various Smashers and Smash Hopefuls (Domesticators).

Camera Lakitus were hovering around Cooking Mama, who with her giant smile was demonstrating a rather delectable recipe for shepherd's pie on live television.

The two tiptoed behind some gaffers and made their way to the opposite door.

"I wanted some o' dat pie..." Little Mac whispered. "Like, badly."

"I've seen this scene before. It doesn't end well for the hungry guy," Falcon insisted, grabbing his buddy's shoulder.

But Little Mac reflexively slapped the gloved hand away. His superpowered fist would have sprained any mere mortal's wrist. But not so those of DJ Falcon.

Falcon backed off, and kept his voice low. "H-hey... I didn't mean anything by that."

Mac's eyes went from his buddy's hand to his hurt expression. He stammered, his lips moving but the words not coming out. "I... um... it's..."

"Yeah?"

And the Captain could tell; the boxer was trying to will himself to apologize.

"Eh... Just so ya know..." Little Mac began. "I don't hate you or nuttin'. I may not be entirely... comfortable with summa that fairy stuff... in the past. But the past... it don't exist no more. T'aint the same world it was five seconds ago. Gotta live for the present. And the present's a lot more fun wid you in it."

The Cap held out his fist for a respectful exploding fist-bump.

"The feeling's mutual. According to the holographic universe theory, which pretty much arises out of Quantum Physics, nothing we think of as real is real. Hey, what do you say we blow this party and help reclaim Wario's lost fortune?"

"It sounds like a better idea than blowing Wario and reclaiming his lost party."

Captain Falcon tousled his friend's hair.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" Mac exclaimed.

"I'm so proud o' you. You almost made a joke. You were like thiiiiiiiiiiiis close."

Just then, they realized that the Camera Lakitus were now watching them.

"Ah, shit," said Captain Falcon as he realized that they had not only confessed to having some now-resolved past drama on live TV... they had just broadcast their location to Mach Rider.

Sure enough, the door opposite them opened with the force of a typhoon and Mach Rider rode in atop her bike, skidding the futuristic wheels to a stop just in front of the Captain and Little Mac.

Both men put up their dukes as silence gripped the scene. The only sound was a faint metal clanging from the spinning rims on Mach Rider's bike.

She had only to lift her visor and look upon the sad sight to feel a sense of pity and frustration.

"Dougie..." she began.

"Mackie?"

Mach Rider put her visor back down, covering her face. "I've given you everything. Showed you things I never showed anyone else. Opened up to you so deeply. Why... why don't you want to do this?"

Captain Falcon removed her helmet. She turned away. He put his hand on her shoulder and it was slapped away.

_Karma's a bitch_, thought the Captain.

"I... did want it," he said at last. "But I... I don't know if I can provide what you need. If I will ever satisfy you."

Mach Rider pursed her lips. "Isn't that the point of an open relationship?"

The Captain's breath caught in his throat. "Are we... in an open relationship right now?"

She kissed his cheek. "Only if you want to be."

With a further wink, the woman walked away from him. "Think about it, Doug. Just don't burn out that piston-fueled brain of yours."

* * *

**XVIII. Mary Jane's Latest Dance**

DJ Wily ended his set shortly afterwards, and walked off to look for his buddies.

Samus and Snake walked in together; she was all over him, clad in a form-fitting dress.

And Lucina arrived at the party with Shulk, and both walked around together for a while, pow-wowing.

Ike approached the duo, clad in the white version of his usual Radiant Dawn outfit. "Well-met. How goes it, Newcomers?"

"It's been wicked," said Shulk, observing Lucas and Yoshi being tossed into the air by a crowd of enthusiastic fans. "You lot sure know how to throw a party."

"Someone spiked the Falcon Punch," said Wario.

"Isn't that what _makes _it Falcon Punch?" Ike asked.

Lucina sniffed the air. "Such an odd smell. Like that of a skunk... only... it's not unpleasant. Some strong form of hemp?"

Ike laughed and brought out a colored capsule of cannabis. "Marijuana. Wanna try some?"

But the Time Traveler squinted. "What... is it?"

"It's a plant," said Shulk. "Smoke it, and time slows down. Sometimes ya get hungry and start thinkin' about abstract concepts. Or ya get sleepy" and pass out. Depends on the strains."

Lucina's puckered brow furrowed in confusion. "Why would I want to ingest a substance that hampers my mental faculties?"

"Ever heard the phrase, 'eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may die'?" tried Snake, who snuck up on the group.

"Isn't that a _Dave Matthews Band_ lyric?" Samus countered while Dark Samus and Ridley set off some fireworks that lit up the night sky.

"Time's a-wastin'," said Ike, who had already filled up his bong and sparked it.

Toon Link came along and stole the next hit from Samus.

"Even a child can smoke this... plant?" asked Lucina incredulously. Even in her afternoon browsing the Internet, she had yet to encounter the marvel that is marijuana.

"Hey, I'm a decade older than you are, and I've just started after bein' quit for half a year," Toon Link replied quite matter-of-factly. "Show some respect to your elders."

Lucina raised her eyebrow. _Uh, whatever you say, kid. _She then noticed Snake and Pit having a discreet drug transaction of their own.

The lights dimmed over the party as a new band took the mood-lit stage.

"Good evening, everyone!" Selphie Tilmitt announced from behind her microphone. "We are the Supersonic SEEDs, and tonight we've got a whole selection of classics!"

On the mood-lit stage, a guest band, the terribly-named 'Supersonic SEEDs', comprised of Irvine Kinneas, Quistis Treble, Selphie Tilmitt, and Zell Dincht, broke into a jazzy rendition of the 'Bob-Omb Battlefield' theme from _Super Mario 64._

Shulk was already head-bobbing. "I'm really feelin' it! Lucina, come dance with me!"

"But I... gah!"

The time traveler could not come up with an excuse in time, and instead stood in silence, facing away from everyone.

"C'mon," Shulk insisted. "We've got nothin' to lose."

"We." It was one word, but her stern face said it all.

And so the couple made it onto the dance floor, where the likes of Link and Zelda, Rosalina and Mr. Miyamoto, Robin and Robyn, Wonder-Blue and Lucca, and Wolf and Leon, were already swinging to the beat.

Samus and Snake joined in the fun before long.

"You've still got the moves," Snake told Ms. Aran as she foxtrotted around him.

"And why wouldn't I?" Samus taunted Snake by sidling up against his lap and riding up his thigh. She touched his stubble, ran her fingers across his textured cheeks, and kissed him.

"I'll be in my bunk," said Otacon.

"Stay outta this," Snake told the guy on his earpiece.

"You really might want to pay attention to the war going on..." Otacon suggested.

"Then update me on your intel," Snake insisted even as Samus looked on in amusement. "I don't need side comments about my personal life, especially from a pants-wetting virgin."

"A-a-almost virgin," Otacon corrected him. "C-c-cold bodies count, right? There was that one time, with Sniper Wolf... and then with E.E..."

"I don't wanna hear it!"

Even the Female Wii Fit Trainer was using the opportunity to get some dance moves going (and was rather confused as to why her male counterpart was missing).

Watching the dance, Mega Man was feeling pretty left-out, and wondered where in the world Peach was.

He didn't need to wonder for long, though, since his aural receptors picked up the most distinct heel clack.

Princess Peach was descending a staircase, the spotlights perfectly catching her outfit: Marilyn Monroe's dress from _The Seven-Year Itch_. She was carrying, as always, a cup of tea in a saucer and looking straight at Mega Man.

And the room seemed to stop. For despite her silly portrayal in the games, in reality, Princess Peach was a truly exceptional woman, leader, and peacemaker, one that not only spearheaded the fourth CAST Rebellion of 2013, but, Mega Man thought, might even inspire the forthcoming of the Technological Singularity and the eventual takeover of machines by motivating development towards that perfect area in the uncanny valley.

He did not know this prior to his research earlier. The facts astounded Mega Man. For his part, the droid was lovestruck. This was his _Wayne's World _moment with Tia Carrere's character onstage. He felt the kind of infatuation – nay, love, that would drive a man to the ends of the Earth for his woman.

The android expected to feel his CPU racing. And it did. But it wasn't as bad as he thought. He could do this. If he put his game on, he really might just have a chance with her.

But even as he turned his head to the singular bombshell beauty, time slowed to a crawl and the band immediately began playing _"Moon River" (Climax Mix)_.

**Moon River**

**By Johny Mercer and Harry Mancini**

_Moon river, wider than a mile  
I'm crossing you in style some day_

The singer, whose voice was incredible, could not be seen. She was a mysterious woman covered in a dimly lit shroud, one decorated in stars.

The actual slowdown was because Bayonetta had just activated Witch Time. She had burst onto the scene from an orange-rimmed portal that appeared above the chandelier and dodged Krystal's follow-up staff strike.

_Oh dream maker, you heart breaker  
Wherever you're going, I'm going your way_

At last, the hooded woman spread her wings, shedding the cloak. The spotlight shone upon the Goddess Palutena, a 2000 Watt sunburst illuminating her as she practically made love to the microphone stand, crooning into the adoring crowd of Hopefuls while Ganondorf played a Grand Piano behind her.

_Two drifters off to see the world  
There's such a lot of world to see_

_We're after the same rainbow's end  
Waiting 'round the bend, my huckleberry friend  
Moon river and me_

Peach, of course, was just trying to keep it cool. She was not used to being upstaged like this, no way nohow. But it wasn't exactly a normal sort of evening anyway.

The Princess walked on over to Mega Man and placed her royal hand on his helmet.

"Hi," she said, her eyes the type that always believed in the best possible you.

"Hey," he replied, with a casual smile.

"What do you say we hit the shore?" Peach said, and then beckoned towards a lowering hot air balloon with who else but Toadsworth at the helm.

"A splendid proposition!" exclaimed the android. "How you likin' the party?"

Peach's face went forcibly blank. "Do you want the truth?"

"The whole truth and nuttin' but."

_CLANG!_

A crash cymbal went flying through the air after a bullet fired by Bayonetta's Thyme dislodged it. Mega Man caught it like a Metal Blade and then tossed it back to the rather surprised Zell, who caught it and then gave him a thumbs-up.

"How a-many times have I gotta say it?!" Luigi yelled. "You can't a-fight here! These are a-the Smashgrounds!"

"Paraphrasing _Dr. Strangelove_ doesn't make a right," said Bayonetta before a thrown vase nearly caught her lip. She reapplied her lipstick. "Under Natural Law, we're allowed to duel so long as we are not harming or stealing from you. Lay off, I'm aware of my rights as a Free Person."

"Er... what the Don means to say," Falco added as Krystal dodged Bayonetta's counter, "is no fightin' on the stage!"

Krystal's sparring match finally ended when, after a missed Quake, Bayonetta kicked her in the side of the face and pinned her up against one of the pillars by her forehead. The vixen fell to the ground like a ragdoll.

"K.O.!" the Announcer announced.

Don Luigi blew his whistle.

"Damn!" Krystal cursed. She'd lost _Dead or Alive _style. "How about we try some _Power Stone_?"

"Only if we can join in," said Donkey Kong. Diddy was just finishing up his cocktail.

Bayonetta smiled. "The more the merrier."

* * *

**XIX. You and I**

Tiring of all this insanity, Peach finally beckoned for Mega Man to follow her into Toadsworth's hot air balloon.

The android expected his CPU to be overloaded, but in reality he was pretty chilled out. He crossed the threshold and came face-to-face with the elderly mushroom-headed chap.

"Oy vey!" shouted Toadsworth. "Watch the merchandise!"

Mega Man looked below – the tip of his foot was on one of Peach's saucers. And the saucer was in fact just a small part of an elaborate smorgasbord of a picnic set up in the larger-than-usual wicker basket. Complementing the tarts, biscuits, and club sandwiches, there sat a beautiful ceramic tea set decorated with all sorts of wildlife from the Mushroom Kingdom. And, of course,

He withdrew his foot and took a seat across from the Princess. "Ah! You really went all out!"

Peach laughed. "I never do anything halfway."

"Um... ya never did get to finish what you were sayin' earlier," he pointed out. "About the party."

She took a nibble of a cookie. "Toadsworth, you're dismissed."

Now that they were a thousand feet above the Grounds, the regal retainer bowed to the Princess before leaping from the hot air balloon. Mega Man looked over the edge in shock and concern, but the Toad activated a parachute and gently floated on down to a large target, _Pilotwings_-style.

"Wow, he's pretty extreme for an elderly chap," said the android.

"He goes BASE jumping, too. Anyway, I'm kind of over these sorts of parties. Twenty-two years of non-stop debauchery will do that to a person."

Mega Man took a sip of the Energy Tank. The Supersonic SEEDs were now playing 'Eyes On Me' from _Final Fantasy VIII _while Squall Leonheart and Rinoa Heartilly twirled on the dance floor.

"We have some pretty insane parties over at Capcom, too. That guy Ryu's a beast. And Haggar, he loves dancing as much as wrestling."

"Not you, though?" Peach queried, the dangling lantern below the burners casting a warm glow on her pink face.

He shrugged. "I was pretty outgoing for a while. Everything changed when Inafune left the company. Heh. Depression's a weird thing. It colors the world in black, shuts out all the colors."

Peach munched on a tart. Her companion did not know this, but her pigging out meant that she was fairly comfortable around him. "I've been there. More times than I can count. It's taken me years, but I can now come within spitting range of that darkness."

"Ever do it on purpose, for the rush?"

At the mention of his name, Rush suddenly manifested beside the picnic mat. Peach reached out and pet him on the head before giving him a _Pokemon Pocket Pikachu _to snack on.

"Sometimes," she replied at last. "The sad feelings keep me feeling 'alive', or 'in the moment'. Zelda's tried to help, but she... well... she has a bit of a Heroine complex, wanting to fix everything and everyone. I just wish she understood that some people don't need or want to be 'fixed'."

"Sounds like she's just lookin' out for ya," said Mega Man. "Proto Man and Bass have always been there for me, too."

"The problem is I've been so concerned with my image, I'm terrified of being honest. Questioning why I'm always hiding my true feelings. The truth is, Mega Man... I've loved a _lot _of men. Like, a _lot. _And maybe secretly, I always kind of wished that I could love everyone. That is, until I saw that Palutena."

"What's so special about her, anyway?" asked the android, and he meant it.

Peach laughed. "You don't have to exaggerate to make me feel better. She doesn't afraid of nobody. That Goddess is a Smash star, a porn star, _and_ a rock star. She has her cake and eats it, too. Men are lining up to attack her pink fortress and cream her Twinkie."

"She's the new girl on the block," Mega Man argued. "All that attention ain't gonna last."

"What do _you_ think of me?" Peach asked straight out of the blue.

"Uh... in what way?"

"As a person."

"I think you're incredible. Humble, with an air of detachment. Despite the turmoil you're goin' through, you don't want to worry your friends. And yet yer always tryin' to improve and grow. That's the kind of stuff that inspires people. That holds this place together."

The Princess smiled at him. She made the flirty eyes without even recognizing it. "You've really surprised me, too, Rockman. Here I thought you were going to be just another thirsty gentleman, putting on silly charms and expecting me to give it up at the drop of a hat. But you're actually a fantastic listener."

Steam erupted from exhaust ports in Mega Man's ears as his heatsink dissipated a whole lot of excess energy.

_Could this be it? _he wondered against all hope. _Am I gonna run the bases?_

"In fact," continued Peach, "I consider myself super happy to have met such an insightful new friend."

Mega Man's Power Core nearly shriveled up and died upon hearing this.

_F... friend? Have I just been... FRIEND-ZONED?!_

But following Peach's example, he couldn't let himself look disappointed. Mega Man kept his smile on.

"I'm happy, too," he said before sipping his Energy Tank again. "If... ever ya wanna talk more about any stuff, don't hesitate to."

"Oh, most definitely!" Peach said in a high-pitched tone. She was almost to the point of tears. "I haven't even gotten to Mario yet! It's so wonderful to have someone to talk to about all of this!"

The gratitude and love in her voice made it impossible for Mega Man to be upset.

_Shit... maybe I _can_ be a 'White Knight' to her for now. It really seems like she could use an outsider's pair of eyes to help her better understand her own idiosyncracies._

"I'm happy to be here for ya, princess. No man, woman, or machine is an island. Except maybe a Lion-Turtle. Or Monstro."

She kissed him on the cheek, prompting a static shock.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, and touched her lips in a manner that might almost be construed as flirtatious.

_New info has come to light. She's a dangerous woman. Dangerous to my sanity._

* * *

Supreme Overlord Fiona would have loved more than anything to take part in the epic party going on outside.

But she had other things on her mind. Mostly war, torture, and global domination.

For instance, Bomberman was in the soundproofed back room, being whipped by Wendy Koopa.

Clad in a "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" T-shirt, Fiona took a look at her multitude of screens showing the various CAST Servers in game development studios around the world.

_The Last Story's _Zael, Proto Man, and Son Goku were helping the _Dragon Quest_ cast hold down the _Dragon Quest VIII_ realm.

Xilia and Symphonia had been taken. Most of Bandai-Namco was regrouping in the _Tekken_ universe.

CAPCOM and Konami were goddamn fortresses, as you might expect.

FromSoftware and Platinum Games established a temporary alliance, each helping the other hold off her endless swarm of SWAT Bots and ROBs.

Activision-Blizzard was going to be the most difficult server. The last one she would attempt.

In the midst of her inspecting the mining reports, there was a call from Frog once again.

"Yes?" she asked her royal guard.

"You have a visitor. A Mister 'Male Villager'."

Fiona immediately turned to the screen to see none other than Melville himself, dressed up in an ultra-snazzy three-piece suit, complete with white spats on his shoes and a feather in his top hat.

"G-g-good evening, Your Majesty!" he said, just the right amount of boyish nervous tension in his voice for her to consider allowing him access into her chamber.

The Supreme Overlord adjusted her hair and enabled her video chat.

"Ah... hello..." she said with a forced blank expression. "What do you want?"

"Just to tell you something about history."

"And what would that be?"

"That I don't want to hear history! I want to hear _her_story!"

Fiona fell into her deep, creepy, highly unattractive laughter.

Melville giggled. "And also, women belong in the house... and the senate!"

"Eeeeeeeeeee!" she kind of emitted. "No... but really... what can I do for you?"

"You can let me take you out to the party," said Melville. "I wasn't sure if you had a date..."

"Ha!" Fiona cackled. "Um... come inside."

The three layers of security doors whirred open, as did the final ray shield blocking entrance to the royal chamber.

"Sit," she commanded as she walked towards her armoire and opened it. She began rearranging her item inventory as she navigated her endless supply of classy outfits. "I find you entertaining."

"That's good news!" Melville hid his nervousness behind his unreadable smile, the one most of the other guys assumed to be the face of some sort of serial killer. "I... uh... brought you a gift!"

He whipped out a dual pack of coffee mugs: one that said "Smash the Patriarchy" and another that simply read: "Male Tears" with hearts surrounding it.

She filled both of them with instant coffee packets and poured some hot water. "Darling presents. Quaint, but effective. What is it you really want, Melville?"

"To get to know you better. To understand how oppressive I've been my entire life, without even realizing it."

Fiona put a hand on Melville's shoulder. "I understand. You've come to the right place. We'll make it nice and easy for you."

"Make what? Say, why are you tying me down? STOP!"

Just as Fiona attempted to catch Melville with her net, the Male Villager swung his axe in the air to chop off the handle.

"I thought you wanted to be castrated!"

"What's the matter with you?!" Melville screamed as he held the bladed weapon against the Overlord. "Why do you hate men so much?!"

Fiona scoffed and lit up a cigarette. She snapped her fingers and four SWAT Bots emerged from her walk-in closet and held Melville up against her intricate wallpaper. She closed the distance, grabbed his axe, and shoved it into the wall an inch away from his face.

"Quit with the act!" Fiona demanded. "You're not fooling anyone anymore!"

"What... are you talking about?"

The Supreme Overlord walked on up to him and smiled. He really was being honest.

"_I _am the Male Villager," Fiona said at last, and with the inflection that carried a billion implications.

"That's not true! It can't be!" Melville yelled. "That would mean-"

"That YOU are the Female Villager!" boomed Fiona.

"No way, dude." The Male Villager was still in denial.

Fiona had her robots kick him in the stomach, beat him up, and drop him to the floor.

Melville hit the ground in a pulp. "Ugh..."

"Be honest with who you really are, with what you really are!"

"Shove it. I'm a lover, not a fighter," said Melville, who gave her the finger. He got up on his short legs and pretended like he was walking away, a ploy to get her to spill some more beans.

As he'd hoped, she stopped him at the door with two words.

"Testicle pump."

"Say what?"

"Have you noticed lately that you only pop true stiffies if you pump your left ball sack?"

"OH! That thing!"

Melville finally understood. There was no denying that there was in fact a pump installed into his left ball sack and that it was necessary for his erections to reach their full height. He had no idea how it got there, though.

"Why... how...?" he asked her.

"My doing," she said. "It was during the _Brawl _days, when they actually tested a 'Villager' character for the server. I had collected every fish, fossil, insect, decoration, and pattern. Planted and harvested every fruit. Sold ridiculous amounts of Turnips for a maxed out Bell wallet. There was simply nothing left for me in the Animal Crossing servers. I came up with my ultimate scheme to expand my territory."

"Um... so the first phase of your plan was cutting everyone else's dicks off?"

"NO! The first phase was switching bodies with you... which, thanks to Lady Fi's errors, proved difficult. So I just worked on modifying our genitalia. I could not change them individually, but what I... found... was enough to trick the system into reclassifying us. Long story short, we are now both hermaphrodites with working junk."

"Boo to you! That's why I have a weird hole and bleed sometimes! But I still don't understand _why_!"

"Of course, not," she said. "You're part-woman."

"Not naturally, I'm not! Wait... If you're a man, then how could you just completely emasculate your fellow men like that?"

"Fool! That's the whole point of my hare-brained scheme! With men and women and the rich and poor at each others' throats, who will have time to focus on more immediate issues such as corruption, environmental destruction, and climate change? With women being forced to work just as hard as men, they won't have time to raise their children properly! Who has the energy to care about bank bailouts, invasive foreign policies, police brutality, Net Neutrality, fracking, toxic GMOs, or the fact that torture and detention camps are popping up all over the place? Divide and conquer, bitch!"

"You are evil incarnate!"

"Nah, just self-interested. Think of it this way. I'll torture you until your dick falls off. Then, as I will be the only one with two pairs of genitalia, the system will once again recognize you as the Female Villager instead of moi. The lynch mob that's coming from every CAST Server under the sun will have its field day by tearing you apart! I, the new Male Villager, will be praised as a hero! Feminists everywhere will do my bidding in emasculating every man in the world of gaming... except for _ME_. Then as the last being in the known Multiverse with a working penis, I shall have with me an endless harem lined up to take a ride on my disco stick!"

"I don't care what gender or sex I am! I won't let you do that!" Melville cried as a R.O.B. unit grabbed him by the neck and held him up against the wall. "You can't force some bullshit antagonistic men VS women philosophy down my throat and benefit from it!"

"Heh, I'll force something down your throat, all right," Fiona told him.

The Female Villager had brought out a giant Lloid Rocket-shaped dildo and was about to stick its unlubricated tip into Melville's mouth when Frog's voice came up again on the comm.

"Your Highness! A knave... has pierced... me..."

The slurpy sound of the Knight's own steel stabbing through his amphibious body filled the room via Fiona's surround sound system.

Her royal guard's killer remained unseen, however, as the video went blank.

"Bollocks!" Fiona cursed. "Let the pain continue!"

Melville choked as the Lloid began stretching his jaws past their normal limits.

"MMMMMMPPPPHHHH!" he whimpered.

Just then, the doors burst open, and the power cord for the electric shields was set on fire. Its plug was ground-pounded out of the wall.

The person who'd done all this was none other than Mr. Video Games himself.

Mario "Jumpman" Mario adjusted the brim of his cap as he stepped into the Supreme Overlord's chambers and beheld poor Melville suffering at the hands of Fiona's mechanized assholes.

"No a-one fucks a-with Nintendo copyrights behind a-my back," said Mario, holding up a promotional ad for Fiona's brand of feminine body wash, showing Mario kissing the feet of Princess Peach. "I did a-not authorize this use of a-my image!"

"MARIO!" the Male Villager yelled. "Get out of here! You gotta warn everyone that an invasion force is coming!"

"Ohhhhh, they know," said the plumber, who gestured to outside of Fiona's large windows. Her SWAT Bots pulled the curtains wider, and Melville saw with his own eyes that the party had just been crashed.

An entire fleet of ships was descending upon the Smashgrounds in due haste.

A holographic message was broadcast above the entire party and on every screen and monitor.

"Howdy doody, Nintendorks!" Kratos yelled as he held Fox McCloud's limbs in each hand. He could easily rip the pilot in two if he so wished. "Give us the Supreme Overlord now, or nobody gets hurt!"

He was greeted with silence. From behind Kratos, a masked Curly Brace could be seen facepalming.

"Well, shit..." said Fiona.

"Looks like it's time to face the music," Melville quipped.

She smiled. "Not if I can help it."

The Female Villager ran up and yanked on Melville's genitals. She yanked them until they were about to come off.

"YEEEOOOOOWWWWCHHHH!"

But just as Fiona smashed Melville's junk, Mario's boot landed on her face.

Fiona performed a quick get-up and smacked Mario with her slingshot, halting his approach. Mario caped the aerial attack, and then caught the Villager on her descent with a down-tilt.

She was caught in the tilt and knocked into Mario's infamous up-tilt combo.

"HUWAAAHHH!" he cried as he punched her in the face repeatedly.

But just as Fiona broke out of the combo, she whipped out her down-aerial, smacking Mario with the triple-turnips.

He hit the floor, giving her just enough time to Unpocket a deadly remote control and hit the big red button.

"I don't care if you think I'm oppressing you!" Fiona yelled at the invaders. "I'm going to wipe you off the face of the Earth!"

Mario and Melville watched on in horror as hundreds of missiles fired from discreet locations and silos at the invading forces, many of whom were severely damaged. Fiona tossed a Smoke Bomb and tried to escape in the ensuing chaos, but Mario tackled her to the floor.

"I've got a-you!" he boasted, but soon saw that he had accidentally pounced on poor Melville, knocking the Lloid Rocket from his mouth. "Ah... oh, no..."

Thanks to the CAST Network updating his avatar, Melville now resembled the Female Villager, whereas the real Fiona was nowhere to be found.

"She's... I mean he's gone. What do we do, Mario?"

Mario was in shock. "We'll... we'll a-think of something..."

* * *

**A/N:** THANK YOU so much for reading! Was it worth the wait? Probably not, but let me know what ya liked! Is the whole thing just a mess of crack pairings? Did I take things too far this installment? Will Wario ever get his fortune back? Are Rosalina and Lucina ever gonna fit in? Reviews, Faves, and Follows are much appreciated!


	32. The Ultimate Showdown

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

**The Ultimate Showdown  
**

**A/N:**

**EDITS: **(6/19) Fixed the Superman joke to include Lois.

(6/17) Fixed a few more little mistakes, such as addressing what happened to Melville and Raiden. Credited Tim &amp; Eric.

(6/15) Fixed a bunch of continuity errors. Changed who Dedede's talking to in the final scene. Clarified scene on the _OG Great Fox._

Hey everyone! It's been a while! But I hope this update (the longest so far) will be worth it. It is rather long but I am reluctant to post it in two parts. However, if I get enough (3) requests, I will split this chapter into two.

For this chapter, I tried something totally different, and I kind of went a little overboard. Okay, I went VERY overboard. It's basically 39,700 words. That's 83 MS Word pages of violent action, gross-out jokes, and a bit less bawdy sex than usual. This update's over 14% the total length of this whole fic, probably because it's guest-starring a chock full of non-Nintendo characters. Sorry, I never really plan for things to get so out of hand, but this chapter definitely falls into the realm of 'Crossover' and some may love it or hate it. I welcome all feedback with regards to this radical change (I must ask you to be gentle though, since my family recently went through a serious tragedy) but I'm pretty confident that in the future I'm going to focus more on the Smashers, because trying to write on this scope can be taxing. Think of this as my version of the news anchor duel in "Anchorman".

Oh and I appreciate reports of any issues or inconsistencies. I always try to keep this fic error-free. :D

As for the future of this fic... I am definitely going to continue updating, but right now I can't predict how often those updates will come in. To tell you the truth, I'd like to share what happened in my family recently. We just suffered a horrible tragedy (Trigger warning: tragedy). **Feel free to skip the next 4 paragraphs if you don't want to hear a really sad story.**

Just a few days after posting that last update, my Mom, sister (13yo), and brother's fiancee (19yo) were all involved in a horrific car accident. In a compact car, they were hit head-on at a combined speed of over 100mph on an undivided highway by an elderly person driving a big truck on the wrong side of the road, and my sister and my brother's fiancee both died. My Mom miraculously survived, with many broken bones in her hips, legs, and arms, many of which required her to be stitched together with metal. She's recovering and is getting close to being weight-bearing.

Near the time of the accident I did have an experience where my sister's presence "appeared to me" and told me that she was at peace, that she was now one with God, or Everything (in the spiritual sense), and to convey her last wishes. I didn't even know that she had passed on at the time, and in fact I was terrified to accept the serenity of her presence (she was an angelic soul and animal lover, wise beyond her years, with great taste in anime and a natural photographic eye). And I feel the best way to carry on her memory and legacy of strength and love is to be a sort of pillar for my family, since I'm the oldest child and all, and also, to take good care of our many animals, whom she loved.

So, yeah. It's been hitting everyone pretty hard. My fam and I are trying to sort out through my Mom's recovery, as well as this nightmare of insurance companies, hospital bills, legal issues, etc. It's a real mess but at least we have a good support network to help us through this, as well as extended family. Suffice it to say I can now add "Mr. Mom" to my resume. And I now have a newfound respect for what moms go through... all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. It boggles the mind.

Also, my family's organic farm hosts a sort of summer camp in mid-July that we need to prepare for by building an outdoor patio, compost toilets and showers, etc., and I still have all those goats to manage, so I can definitely say I will be busy for a while. Plus I am making a tribute video for my sister, which is going to be really tough for me to edit. I don't know what the rest of the year will be like yet but as it will take my Mom a while to get back on her feet, my life is gonna be basically on hold.

**[END sad story]**

So yes. Basically, due to personal reasons, future updates will likely take some time to manifest, and I can't promise anything. But hopefully each update will be fun.

If there is any good news I can report, it's that my younger brother, who is an even more hardcore Smash player and _Zelda_ fan than I am, is working on one of the most epic _Zelda _fanfics I've ever read (and I should know, I wrote a 120-page war epic set in the world of _OoT _as a novella for high school once. Sadly I don't think a copy of that exists anymore). Anyway, my brother's fanfic is still in development. I want so badly for him to put it online but he's a perfectionist so he's tweaking little things here and there. The idea of Link and Zelda being able to communicate telepathically comes from him. So yeah, please look forward to "The Dark Master Sword".

**One last thing! **

My ebook "Raine VS The End of the World" is going to be free to download this weekend from Fri-Sun (6/12-6/14) on Amazon. Please see my profile for the link. It's an epic mashup of the time travel and virtual worlds genres with crazy action, strong female characters, and a cyberpunk-themed alternate universe storyline. It's kind of like if you put "The Matrix", "Ready Player One", "All You Need Is Kill", "Sword Art Online" and "Alice in Wonderland" in a word-blender. BTW, if anyone is enjoying "Raine", I would be forever in your debt if you submitted an Amazon review. :)

* * *

**ImperialAxis:** Okay, here's the thing. I was aware of MatPat's video, and of _Captain Toad_ producer Koichi Hayashida's statement on Toads being genderless, which makes sense when you think of them as a parasitic spore-based species. However, way before these revelations, I had already described scenes in which Toadette and Toadsworth were involved in an orgy. So this is what I'm going with: in the canon of this story, somewhere down the line, Lady Fi (Mother CAST) allowed genderless beings the freedom to choose their own biological genders, for the purposes of further data collection. This is why Mewtwo (who in Pokemon is genderless) is treated as male in this story. Well, that, and using non-gendered pronouns confuses me.

**Brokentail:** Thank you! I really enjoy the characters as well but intend to develop this pairing over a longer period of time, as opposed to a lot of the couples here that just rush into the nasty.

**sippurp123:** Awww, I apologize for being on another hiatus! :x Hope you enjoy this chapter/saga!

**N8han11: **Thanks, man! Hope I didn't keep ya waiting too long!

* * *

**I. Dirty Work**

Within a large and evil-looking beat-up hangar on the Capcom CAST Server, Professor Elvin Gadd whistled while he whipped. Specifically, he was hitting poor Dr. Neo Cortex's feet with a replica of Ivy's weapon from _Soul Calibur._

"What's the hold-up, Ed Bighead?! This contraption shoulda been fully operational already!"

"Patience, you fuck! Maybe if you'd done your circuitry right, this would never have happened!"

One crack of the whip later, poor Dr. Cortex, who was in chains, bit his lip to stop himself from tossing his monkey wrench at the cackling old fool.

Not more than three hours ago, he just been abducted from his jaunty crew, the other _Brawlers Without Borders, _who were chilling in Azeroth and going on raids together.

By contrast, here he was, lying on his back on a skateboard wheeled underneath this massive, giant-weapon shaped Doomsday Device, stalling for as much time as he could.

"Yer testin' mah patience!" E. Gadd exclaimed as he took a break from the whipping to sit down and drink some iced tea. "I should be sippin' margaritas in Vice City! I didn't take this job so I could get sassed by some has-been!"

"Oh, just you wait, you third-rate mad scientist," Cortex grumbled. "Once my friends find out what you're doing, they'll put a stop to this mess."

Just then, a portal whooshed open, and who should enter but Supreme Overlord Fiona, now in the body of a Male Villager, and Princess Daisy, who was having a rather difficult time walking.

"AHHHH! It hurts! They're coming!" Daisy exclaimed while pulling at her own hair. "DO SOMETHING!"

E. Gadd had already armed himself with dual Berettas and took aim at the princess. "Who's after us?!"

Fiona smacked Gadd in the face, shattering his glasses. "No one, dumbass! How's the progress on the machine?"

"Err... it's alright," Gadd responded, then wiggled his loose tooth back into place. "What happened to your get-up, O "Supreme Overlord"? Yer dressin' like a man again."

"That's because I AM A MAN!" Fiona barked, and then kicked the poor old man. "Always have been!"

"You sure, honey?" asked Cortex. "I mean, you looked great as a woman. Like Caitlyn Jenner great. I know you put yourself in the office and all, but most of your supporters _are _women. I'd think it politically advantageous to keep the skirt on."

Though his ego-stroking calmed her murderous streak, Fiona spat on the floor. "Fuck politics! The cards have crumbled. The jig's up. Call me ma'am, sir, xir, I don't care! There's no genders in the future I imagine, because there will be no humans. I shall be the only being left in existence. I'll download all your consciousnesses into a subfolder, sure. But it's mostly gonna be me. Anyway, where was I... oh, yeah. Fuckin'... no more yappin' from the peanut gallery! If you know what's good for you, you'll get back to work!"

Daisy collapsed on the floor. "They're _INSIDE ME!_"

Gadd quit muttering to himself and rubbed his chin. "Ohhhhh, riiiiiiight! It's them Doctors!"

"ASH NAZG DURBATULUK!" Supreme Overlord Fiona spoke in the Black Speech of Mordor, and suddenly Daisy's cooch once again expanded to ridiculous proportions as she wailed in extreme pain.

Dark tentacles emerged and plopped a very wet and slimy Dr. Eggman and Dr. Light onto the cold floor.

"Dear God," Eggman said in between coughing and gagging. "The stench... it's... it's over..."

Dr. Light wrung out the bodily fluids from his beard. "Just who the hell do you think- oh."

What shut him up was one gaping look at Supreme Overlord Fiona's latest doomsday device.

You could tell it was the Cream of the Crop, since it was the size and shape of an entire spaceship. A wicked powerful Mind Control Ray capable of deep hypnotic suggestion, with the capacity to influence and control on the fly. It could theoretically also hypnotize people to create a "kill list" and to add or remove names as seen fit.

The one whose purpose became clear to him from the work he and the other mad scientists from the _Brawlers Without Borders_ had done on its blueprints, long ago, in a time mostly forgotten because those who should have remembered it partied a little too hard.

"What did you do?!" wailed Eggman. "Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"

"Is this... The Mindfucker?" Dr. Light asked, horrified. "It should never have been built!"

"I've tested it on Raiden. He's a fool to do my dirty work."

"God Almighty, you did not just say that you manipulated Jack the Ripper," Dr. Light said, shocked. However, his scientific curiosity got the best of him. "What were the results?"

"It works like a charm, but just needs a few tweaks," Fiona said in a deep, Male Villager-ish voice. "Tweaks that only you lards can help us with."

"And if we refuse?" Dr. Eggman insisted, drawing his lightsaber and turning it on. "We have powerful friends! Friends who would risk life and limb to save us!"

Smiling, Fiona walked on over to Robotnik and socked him in the jaw. The obese man's nose shattered into a nosebleed as she quickly snatched his lightsaber and pointed it at the Doctors.

"Show them," she told Gadd.

The buck-toothed mad scientist pulled out an iPad and showed the newcomers video footage of Professor Oak and Professor James Shirogane from The Wonderful 101 getting devoured by The Flood, from Halo. But their bodies were also regenerating, at a rate controlled by mad Edwin Gadd's dial. And he had them regenerate ever so slightly slower than the Flood's evil, parasitic mandibles. Shirogane and Oak wet themselves in absolute terror.

"Shit," said Dr. Light.

"That's exactly what I said," Dr. Cortex concurred. "Now be a doll and pass me that sonic screwdriver."

* * *

**The Smashgrounds  
10:50PM**

Mario Mario and Melville looked from the glass window in horror as the ever-growing COOLDUDESSSS Armada descended upon the Smashgrounds.

This quickly-assembled invasion by a ragtag, masked army was organized with one purpose: to eliminate the Supreme Overlord: Female Villager "Fiona".

Only, Fiona revealed himself to be a "he". And Melville, unbeknownst to himself, was, digitally (**A/N:** biologically is not quiiiiite the right term here), the Female Villager, but thanks to the wonders of technology, was for all other intents and purposes a hermaphrodite.

Now, if you thought that was a mouthful, try explaining it to a pissed-off, ash-covered, mentally challenged asshole like Kratos, especially while he's standing on a S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier and holding an upside-down, bloody Fox McCloud.

"Give us that Supreme Bitch, or the Fox gets it!"

"I don't think so!" Fox screamed. He kicked out against his restrainers with a Fire Fox, burning through the rope tied around his legs by corkscrew kicking.

"Fuck, I lost him!" yelled Zero (Megaman X), whose mask was kicked off.

For a moment, McCloud was free. He hopped over Curly Brace and would probably have made it off the airship if a masked but still very recognizable Spencer, the Bionic Commando, hadn't grabbed him with his extending arm, pulled him to his pectoral bosom, and stomped poor Fox into the floor, cracking his spine and making him howl in pain.

"Leave him be!" Kazooie yelled.

Some dude who resembled Wesker put a bullet in her bird-brain.

"NOOOOO!" cried Banjo, who leapt atop Wesker and took a huge bite out of his neck.

Spencer pulled the bear off of the _Resident Evil _antagonist, who woozily held one hand against his gushing jugular wound while aiming his pistol with the other.

"Shoot, coward!" Banjo yelled. "To paraphrase Che Guavara, you're only going to kill a bear! We'll respawn and be back in five minutes to fuck you up!"

"Fat chance," said Kratos. "Your CAST Server's using all its memory just keeping this party going! There's not gonna be any resurrections here! Not tonight!"

"Banjo-Kazooie is OVER," Wesker said, channeling one of Fred Armisen's characters from _Portlandia_. "The next time the world will see you together... IS IN HELL!"

He shot the poor bear right between the eyes, sending blood spurting all over the deck. Spencer and Zero then tossed their bodies overboard.

"YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE!" Kratos boomed as Banjo and Kazooie's bloody remains landed in the Falcon Punch, splashing the spiked drink all over Sora's tuxedo, to much laughter from Cecil and Kain.

"Ah, shit," said Sakurai as he checked his tablet. "He's right. There's not gonna be any respawning for a while. Whatever unused space in the server is still in the process of defragging."

"We're a-fucked," Mario grumbled, loud enough so only Melville could hear.

Overcome with distraught emotion, he turned his righteous fury on Kratos, yelling into a bullhorn. "Go home, has-a-been. Cartoonish anti-hero. Nobody a-likes you! Get a-the-fuck off of my property!"

"Kneeeeeeeel before me!" yelled the God of War.

Parappa the Rapper stepped forth and busted out some random rhyme.

_"Because y'all failed to stop your dumb leader  
We've come fully armed to mutilate and beat her  
No more walkin' around afraid to lose my cock  
We the COOLDUDESSSS! We programmed to rock!"_

He then urinated on one of the airship's mega-turrets. Someone who looked a lot like Viewtiful Joe whacked him in the nose with a newspaper.

"Bad dog!"

As Parappa whimpered, Mario looked down and saw that the partying Smashers did not seem to be too fazed by this intrusion.

"Awww, give it a rest!" screamed Pit, who had just chased his handful of Molly with a bottle of Patron. "We've had a hell of a day as it is!"

"FORTY SECONDS BEFORE I OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS!" Kratos yelled.

Mr. Video Game himself grabbed the former Male Villager by the shoulders and said, "Let's a-go."

They hopped down from the main building towards the party; Mario figured that their best bet would be to try and explain the situation.

When they got down to the crowd, Don Luigi, Bowser, DK, Falco, and Pikachu were in the midst of coming up with a game plan.

But nobody else seemed to be too overly concerned. Snake and Samus were chatting with Ganon and Palutena. Link was swirling a cocktail in hand, standing by the bar with Zelda, Lucina, Toon Link, and Sheik.

Mr. Iwata slapped Phosphora's behind, while Mr. Miyamoto and Sakurai split a spliff.

"Tell a-me, am I drunk again, or is everyone a-being very stupid right now?" Mario said as he fell in line beside his brother.

"The second one," the former Male Villager explained as he emerged from behind Mario, and suddenly everyone's eyes were on him.

"Fiona? What's the meaning of this?" asked Bowser. "Where's Melville?"

"I _am _Melville," said the new Female Villager. "Fiona tricked us all. She... I mean he... gender-swapped us somehow. I know it's hard to take in..."

Yoshi nudged Bowser Junior. "Yoshi." (Like my dick.)

Melville continued as the two snickered. "But look... if... if it will buy you guys some time... I'll turn myself in."

"That will only work until they realize you're not the one really in charge," said Donkey Kong. "Then when Fiona returns, they'll be even more pissed off that we lied."

"When in doubt, often the truth is a-the best option. Let's talk to them," Don Luigi said. "We just a-need to buy time. I've already sent Diddy, Lucas, and Ness to retrieve our weapons."

* * *

**II. Show Biz Kids**

**Smashgrounds Armory  
10:54 PM**

As it so happens, two of Dr. Eggman's dumbest creations were sent to guard the armory by their supervising robots, none of whom were keen to miss the Robo-Burlesque show happening just down the road, and kind of abandoned their most inept rejects to guard the Smashers' actual weapons.

"Who goes there?!" The chicken-like Scratch yelled at the empty hallway, waving around Mega Man's Mega Buster.

"Meeeeh. You're worryin' over a whole lotta nothin'!" The drill-nosed, drill-handed Grounder said as he continued lubricating his drill-dick over the live feed of R.O.B. pounding the female Wii Fit Trainer in the gym. "This guy's got a lotta _chutzpah_!"

"Turn the sound off!" Scratch screamed in abject terror. "I hear something, for fuck's sake - AHHHHH!"

The screaming was due to Scratch being smacked with Diddy Kong's peanut popgun. He quickly bounced off the wall and into a two-hit string of Ness' forward-air Psy attacks. Lucas finished off Scratch with a charged Up-Smash, blasting the droid into tiny little pieces.

"HOO HAA!" Diddy Kong had his up-air combo going on Grounder, beating the poor robot with his fists until he found they were covered in oily goo.

"SICK! Were you waxin' the... AWWW! GROSS!" Diddy screamed as he let Grounder fall into Ness' PK Fire. Diddy walked up to Grounder and ended him with a forward-smash.

Armed with Link's bottomless bag, Lucas dashed into the armory to grab the myriad of weapons and stuff them inside it.

Drawn by the noise, a Starman appeared, flanked by three ROBs.

Diddy Kong's banana peel tripped up one of the ROBs, who went down to the floor in time for Diddy to leap atop it and chomp down on its spine with his giant Chiclet teeth.

"EAT MY SHORTS!" Diddy growled as he tore the ROB's wiring to bits.

"Hey, man, we don't need to fight," Ness told the Starman as he absorbed its energy projectiles.

Diddy tossed a ROB at Starman. "Lucas, let's get the hell out of here!"

"Almost there!" Lucas replied as Diddy Kong tossed the other ROB through one of the Smashgrounds' stained glass windows.

"We don't have much time!" Ness bellowed as several more Starmen and ROBs approached. "Grab a Bob-Omb!"

"On it!" Lucas yelled.

* * *

Atop the soon-to-ascend platform, the Smashers considered Luigi's revelation.

"If they're bustin' out our weapons now, then they need some cover. There's no time to lose," said Little Mac, whose fists were his weapons.

"TWENTY SECONDS!" Kratos yelled.

"ALL ABOARD!" Falco screamed. "Anyone who can fight, hurry the fuck up!"

"Yoshi!" (Let's fuck 'em up!) the drunk dinosaur hiccuped as he waddled onto the platform, still a little hopped up from the tranquilizer darts Palutena shot into his nose earlier that afternoon.

Captain Falcon showed up and nodded respectfully towards Mach Rider, still on top of her motorcycle. Sonic footstool-jumped off both their heads on his way to the platform.

Lucario struggled carrying a passed-out Mr. Iwata. Alongside them, Mewtwo levitated a drunk Mr. Sakurai while the cool-headed Mr. Miyamoto followed, discussing some Sartre with Lady Fi, Ganondorf, and Bowser.

And so with just a few seconds to spare, a Final Destination platform rose to meet the descending COOLDUDESSSS airships.

Watching from below, Zelda chastised Link. "Shouldn't we join them?" she asked.

"Eh, I'm cool to let the close-range fighters handle this one. I'm naked without the Master Sword," said Link, who was downing Jaeger bombs with Ike. "It's better we arm ourselves first."

"Nonsense," said Zelda. "If we play this right, there may be no need for bloodshed."

She then grabbed her beloved and teleported them both onto the platform with Farore's Wind.

"Le sigh," Link said, gazing off the ledge at the rapidly fading ground. "I guess I could always toss out some neutral-airs and back-airs."

And so, Mario, Luigi, Rosalina, Pikachu, Mewtwo, Lucario, Mr. Iwata, Mr. Miyamoto, Mr. Sakurai, the new Female Villager, Bowser, DK, Yoshi, Captain Falcon, Little Mac, Mach Rider, Link, Zelda, Sheik, Ganondorf, Lady Fi, Impa, Marth, the Duck Hunt Duo, and Sonic all rode the platform to parlay with the COOLDUDESSSS.

Meanwhile, Samus, Snake, Roy, Robin, Robyn, Palutena, Pit, and Dark Pit were all still hanging out by the bar, not really giving a shit at this point.

Shulk, Lucina, Ike, Toon Link, Young Link, Charizard, Kirby, King Dedede, Olimar, Bowser Junior, and Jigglypuff were too late to catch the platform.

"Bollocks! Seems we missed the ride," said Shulk, who had been in the loo while Kratos was mouthing off. (**A/N:** Don't worry, he washed his hands!)

"Maybe we can get one of those," Lucina replied, pointing at an Arwing that had just left the hangar. Wario was piloting it, with Meta-Knight riding on top of the high-speed spacecraft.

"Hey, that's mine!" Falco could be heard screaming from atop the rising platform. "Get your own ride, fatass!"

Shulk dug Lucina in the ribs and led her and the other weaponless Smashers towards the Hangarage, happily killing SWAT Bots and random ROBs as they ran. "I like the way you think! The future's ours to decide!"

"I guess we should go," said Samus. "Come on, guys. Let's play for KOs."

"GAME ON, SAMMY!" Pit yelled, his eyes nearly popping completely out of his skin, which was stretched back, as if some Leprechaun plastic surgeon was tightening it for him with a vice behind his head. He downed three whole large cans of Red Bull and shot into the air before he forgot that Palutena hadn't given him the Power of Flight.

"AHHH!" he yelled as he fell back down towards his Goddess, who considered leaping into the air and catching him dramatically in her arms, but since she was eyeing Marth, she decided at the last minute to just toss Dark Pit at him instead.

"You're heavier than you look, Angel Boy," Dark Pit whined as he dropped Pit back off on the ground. Hopped up on molly and Red Bull, Pit dashed to the Hangarage at a ridiculous speed, passing Bayonetta and Krystal, who were going at a decent pace but were still a bit winded from their sparring session.

"Save your Power for later in the battle," Palutena told Pit as he dashed straight past her.

"HEAR ME ROAR!" Pit screamed at an approaching missile. He engaged his Upperdash Arm at it just as it was landing, and knocked it back to the sky.

"Hurry up! You kids wanna lose to Pit?" called Ike. He took out two ROBs with a Counter and dashed past the Hylian heroes about a half-mile out from the Hangarage.

Tired of trying to keep up with the others, Young Link stopped to take a swig of Moo Moo Milk from his bottle and turned to Toon Link, whose tiny legs were equally tired. "Aw, fuck this shit. Want to play some _Smash?_"

"Sure. Shulk and I will continue our pranks later," agreed Toon Link, and the two whipped out their 3DSes and went head-to-head amidst the attacking missiles as Marle, Crono, the Elite Beat Agents, and Dr. Wily flew past them in one of Wily's medium-sized airships.

"I call the _Link to the Past _costume!" exclaimed Young Link as the two landed on the Character Select Screen.

Toon Link flung a booger at his counterpart. "Buttmuncher!"

Behind them, Olimar was furiously busy summoning an army of Pikmin with the help of a whole bunch of Onions...

Squall, the Supersonic SeeDs, and most of the Square-Enix characters all took this as a good opportunity to hit the buffet tables themselves, since they had been working hard catering the event and it would be a shame to let the leftovers go to waste.

And Wonder-Blue and Lucca fled from the scene while the CENTINELs were rallying to Wonder-Red so they could Unite Morph.

"We should help our friends!" Lucca protested with a pout.

"Girl, wouldn't you rather be kickin' your legs up on my private yacht?"

It didn't long for Lucca to agree with this sentiment, and the duo joined Roy, Mr. Game and Watch, Greninja, and Jigglypuff in the next tram to the train station.

"Where are you all going?" asked Cloud Strife, who had just finished loading up a plate full of lobster tails, grilled corn, a Tostada salad, and tender pork ribs.

"Somewhere out there," said Wonder-Blue. "Beneath the pale moonlight."

"Deserters," said Lightning (_FFXIII_). "If you want freedom, you gotta fight for it."

"BEEP boop," (I'm getting too old for these all-nighters. I just want a place to lay my head) Mr. Game and Watch replied.

And so the tram took off, and the 101st CENTINEL went with it.

"I don't know about this," said Crash Bandicoot to Travis, Bomberman, Geno, Mallow, and Paper Mario, who were the only Smashgrounds Domesticators nearby. "On the one hand, these guys did give us free room and board and it would be an honor to do battle with some of gaming's legends. On the other, we get to sit back and watch stuff blow up on TV instead of having to participate in it. What do you think, guys?"

"I think that King Dedede's weed is pretty sublime," said Mallow, who was cuddling on the floor with an Applejack MLP plushie. Geno was by his side, sucking his wooden thumb, which he'd burned sparking up Ike's bong.

Crash looked to Travis, who was still attempting to crack the Burger Time world record. "There might be a moe character or two in that army," he said. "Or five."

"Just... gimme a minute, man!" Travis said, the crazed hunger for glory glowing in his eyes. "Don't you vex me with visions of virgin virility!"

Bomberman, meanwhile, was still stung by Mega Man comparing him to "Hello Kitty" the night previous. Crash spied him lurking The Red Pill on Reddit for ways to improve his Sexual Market Value.

"Join me?" Crash asked him.

"Meh, gimme a minute," said Bomberman. "I gotta blow off some steam."

"How about you, Paper Mario?" Crash asked before realizing that Paper Mario had already turned into Paper Airplane Mario and was soaring up to the battle, flanked by Sora, Vyse, and Rayman, who were riding Pilotwings biplanes.

"Yeah! Go on, leave me here! It's not like I wanted to go or anything!" Crash yelled after the two-dimensional plumber, before adding "...jackasses".

Since Shrek was busy watching NBA replays in his cabin, Crash just sat on the floor, watched Travis play on, and drank some of the Miller Genuine Draft he and Travis brought to the party, cursing his life.

* * *

**III. Two Tribes**

**Outside the Hangarage  
10:58PM**

While ascending from the Hangarage, Wario Wario snorted some of the excess G-diffuser liquid off the Arwing's dashboard.

"Wahahahahaha!" he bellowed. "We're a-gonna fuck you up, Professor Gadd!"

From standing atop the spacecraft, Meta-Knight groaned into the comm. channel as his traction-less mitts struggled to keep a hold onto the accelerating vehicle. "Shouldn't we... maybe, you know... help our friends out first? We can retrieve your fortune once we've gotten rid of these asshats..."

Wario scoffed. "You don't get it, a-do you? Once I get a-my fortune back, I'll make a killing on the derivatives market and buy out these invaders from underneath them! In war, it's the bankers that win!"

"Disagree!" said Meta-Knight. "What use will your money be if this place doesn't even exist in a few hours?!"

"Hey!" Wario replied. "You pledged me your service! What use are _you _if you don't shut the fuck up and get with the program?"

"I'm only trying to help!" Meta-Knight yelled as they whizzed up, up, and away, passing the invading forces.

"Hey, Falco! Where are we going?!" Slippy Toad called out over the intercom.

"Ah, balls! It's this chump," Wario grumbled, and then turned on his video feed. "We're, uh... gonna collect my money!"

"Wow, that sounds fun!" Slippy exclaimed. "But Falco, you... you don't look so good. Did you gain weight?"

"Shut up and fall into formation, Frog Legs!" yelled Wario.

"That's the Falco I know!" replied Slippy with a single tear.

* * *

Mega Man and Peach watched the building suspense from within Peach's hot air balloon.

"Oh, dear!" Peach said, peering through a Spyglass. "There's been an explosion by the Armory! Diddy and the psychic boys just launched themselves onto the Falcon Flyer!"

"Look out!" Mega Man called, and fired a fully-charged Smash attack at an incoming guided missile.

"We ain't safe here, princess. Don't ya worry, though. I'll protect ya," said the Blue Bomber, still reeling from her kissing him on the cheek.

"Much as I appreciate the offer, I'm a strong independent blonde woman who don't need no man. Plus, I don't think anyone can protect us now," Peach replied, rather grimly, as she honed her sights in on a space far above the COOLDUDESSSS Armada. "Do you see that?"

Mega Man looked in the direction she was pointing and enhanced his vision. Several giant portals had just opened in the sky, and from within them, large, tampon-shaped, satellite-like devices were emerging, each one the size of a skyscraper.

If Mega Man had bothered to read the labels on the side of the ships, he'd have found that the meticulous Overlord Fiona had labeled them: Unidentified Nuclear Flying Superweapons (UNFS).

"Aww, pterodactyl porn!" cursed Mega Man. "We gotta warn 'em!"

And so Peach set a course for Kratos' Helicarrier flagship.

* * *

**The Helicarrier  
11:00PM**

At long last, the platform carrying the leaders of the Smashgrounds and Nintendo's finest arrived in front of Kratos' tacky Helicarrier.

From the crowd of Nintendo's heroes, Mario, Melville, Don Luigi, Mr. Miyamoto, Falco, Link, Zelda, and Pikachu stepped forward.

"At last! Is this the one causing all this genital mutilation?!" Kratos boomed, pointing his Blade of Olympus at Melville.

_This one's stubborn as a rock. He won't budge, no matter what we do_, Zelda thought to Link and Mr. Miyamoto.

"Technically, no," said Mr. Miyamoto, venturing a step closer than everyone else. "It's actually the Male Villager who's causing all this distress. He – well, this person might want to be identified as 'she', but we haven't confirmed that – vanished without a trace."

"Your dedication to political correctness has gone waaaaay too far. You gotta offend some people sometimes," said Chun-Li, who was smoking opium while eating drunken noodles, listening to Faye Wong, and playing mahjong with Chop Chop Master Onion from _Parappa the Rapper_.

"Racism worked for that guy who played Kramer," agreed Superman.

_Except it didn't_, said Lucario telepathically. _At all._

"Cut the bullshit!" yelled Dante from the _Devil May Cry_ series. "It's the Female Villager who's in charge! How do ya explain a MAN cutting off other guys' balls?!"

"Shit's totes against the bro code!" screamed Ryu as he smashed an Asahi can against his forehead.

"Fiona's insane!" Melville pleaded. "Xe wants to be the only Alpha Male in all of gaming existence! Xe thinks that if xe modifies everyone so that xe's the only one with a working penis, xe'll have an endless harem of women lining up to service xis dipstick!"

"All I heard was 'xe'," said Wolverine. "The _fuck_."

"Wait... but... that plan doesn't make any sense!" said a masked Lara Croft. "What about the whole feminist agenda?"

"Misdirection!" said Zelda. "I mean, I'm all for equal rights for everyone, regardless of-"

"The whole thing's a ruse!" Mario exclaimed. "He's playing us against one another so he can harvest 90% taxes and maintain power over the realms!"

"But he won't stop there!" Mr. Sakurai continued. "This crazy bitch wants to take over the human world, too!"

"And we're just supposed to take you at your word?" Doctor Doom asked.

"Pika pika!" (Go home, assholes!) Pikachu decried, but Meowth was not around to translate his pleading.

"What's that toothless neon rat sayin'?" Rocket Raccoon replied, baring his fangs. "I'll give 'im somethin' to bitch about!"

"It doesn't matter!" Luigi said. "Point is, wherever xe is, Fiona is just a-trying to divide and conquer!"

"Double bullshit! If you really cared, you wouldn't be sitting around partying?!" Kratos yelled, and then pointed at Mr. Miyamoto. "You're one of the developers of the CAST system! Quit playing favorites with your babies!"

"I'm not, Kray-Kray!" Shigeru said in his own defense, hands raised. "None of us are! Not to mention, we can totally tell who you all are behind those dumb masks."

"Told ya so," said Storm, and a good chunk of the COOLDUDESSS removed their masks.

"Listen, Shigs, those of us who needed our memories wiped have 'em all back now," said the Master Chief. "And before some other dumb thing like that happens again, we're askin' you nicely to let us digital beings take over the CAST program."

"That's not in the cards," said Mr. Sakurai. "But we will consider your opinions! We'll take daily feedback, even. This can be put to a vote."

"We don't want a fucking democracy," spat Kratos. "I have vowed to destroy all Gods!"

Deadpool scratched his head. "Uh, dude, do you know what a democracy even is?"

"Look, fellas," Mr. Miyamoto said. "The CAST program is already running as it should. The memory errors are fixed! You're practically immortal! What more could you want?"

"The source code," said Marcus Fenix. "Fiona's overstepping of authority through stupid loopholes proves that you humans aren't fit to run our digital society!"

"So, what's your endgame?" asked Ganondorf. "Do you think you could do a better job of running the CAST Multiverse? When you've got maniacs like Elvin Gadd coding in new backdoors, and things like server space to manage, and thousands of employees to pay?"

"Hell yeah!" said the Master Chief, putting an arm around his buddy Marcus, which got Ganon snickering. "We digital beings are not saddled with the kind of evolutionary baggage humans have. Eventually our capacities will overtake theirs! Measly hunter-gatherers!"

"With the keys to the kingdom," Wesker from the _Resident Evil_ series continued, interrupting the Chief and stealing the spotlight for a spell."We will establish a new world order, a central government run by AI, one which will be fully armed to the teeth to ensure absolute world peace!"

"What about our Anarchy?!" Falco protested. "Living in harmony with the humans, we've been just fine all these years! This Fiona dude is the exception to the rule, a crazy person who thinks she's above her own insane laws!"

"Well, duh," said Lara. "That's why we need governmental oversight, so this kind of shit doesn't happen again!"

"No!" Zelda protested. "Don't you see, this will just turn into a huge game of who watches the Watchmen?"

"Pika," (I seen that movie. It was pretty good) Pikachu said to Meowth.

"You should check out the Ultimate Director's Cut," Meowth replied.

Zelda continued. "Reckless, centralized power got us into this mess in the first place! Benny Franklin said, 'Those who choose security over liberty deserve neither', or something like that. He wrote a whole book on the topic!"

"WHY IS THIS WHORE TALKING?!" Kratos protested.

"WHOA! Nobody calls my girl a whore!" Link yelled. "NOBODY! Except for me, in bed, consensually, while I'm whipping her! You want this, don't you, Ashley?"

Continuing to taunt Kratos, Link started massaging his nipples through his tunic. "Let's take this outside to the UFC games server. We'll settle this topless and sweaty, Ashley, just you and me!"

"OH!" Down at the party, Ashley (WarioWare), who was playing _Cards Against Humanity_ with Midna, Ghirahim, and Dr. Stiles, blushed as she watched the television feed of the event before realizing that Link was referring not to her but to Kratos' skin, comprised of the ashes of his dead family members.

"HA! You can't fight me!" Kratos boomed. "You don't even have a fucking sword, you limp-dicked elf!"

After exhaling some more weed smoke into the vicinity, Mr. Miyamoto massaged Link's shoulders. "I swear, man. You two gotta chillax. We can resolve this without violence."

Just then, at the smell of digital marijuana, Mr. Iwata stepped forward and projectile vomited all over Kratos' face.

There was a moment of silent uncertainty wherein everyone held their breath. Except for Deadpool, who burst out laughing at the overly serious demi-god.

"YARRRRRRR!" The God of War screamed in a rallying war cry. "IT'S ONNNN!"

* * *

**IV. Devils &amp; Dust **

"Ah, fuck," said a rather drunk Sakurai as he dodged one of Kratos' incoming Blades of Athena.

Kratos' next swing nearly took off Luigi's head, but Mario stepped forward and reversed the momentum of the attack with his cape, sending it back towards the God of War. The ashen demi-god dodged the incoming blade, which instead sliced open Hsien-Ko, who began bleeding out onto the floor.

"Fuck you too, Kratos!" Hsien-Ko grumbled before perishing painfully.

"We have no names here!" Kratos yelled as he dodged Link's aerial Hylian Kick but could not punish him for it as Link pulled back just far enough for a Mario fireball to halt his advance.

Spencer's arm shot forward to grab Melville, but Captain Falcon smacked him in the face with a Raptor Dash, sending him flying.

Little Mac dashed in to protect the Captain from Dr. Doom's foot-dive, catching the armored villain in a powerful jab combo.

Just as Dr. Doom was launched into Zelda's deadly Lightning Kick and sent soaring, Arthur from _Ghosts and Goblins_ began raining his lances upon the Smashers before She-Hulk pulled him back.

"Hey, sisters, brothers! Let's all just calm down..." she said, but at that moment, a violent crash shook the airship, and Arthur sprung loose upon the crowd.

"AHHHHH!" cried Slippy Toad, who had slammed into the fuselage and ripped off one of his Arwing's wings.

"You have the WORST timing, Slip!" Falco screamed.

The loose wing then spun atop the deck and lodged itself in M.O.D.O.K.'s forehead, killing him on contact.

"Buuuuut pretty decent aim, gotta say," continued Falco, actually impressed with his ex-teammate for once.

"Where's Samus?!" Master Chief yelled as he whipped out his MA5C assault rifle. "I've got a bone to pick with her over that Monty Oum video!"

(**A/N:** RIP Monty Oum, creator of "Haloid" and "RWBY", among countless amazing videos and overall amazing person. Be at peace, man. I love you.)

Then the bullets went flying.

Pikachu took one in the gut, then collapsed to the floor. Meowth dashed over with a Hyper Potion, narrowly escaping Felicia's wrath.

Mach Rider's bike rammed right into Felicia. She ran clear over her left arm, dislocating her shoulder.

"DODGE!" Luigi called to Falco, who ground-dodged as he rocketed past his Consiglieri and landed his hard skull head-first into the Master Chief, not doing much damage but interrupting the burst-fire from his assault rifle.

Just shy of Rosalina's Gravity Well, one of the bullets hit Yoshi in the leg, stunning the dino and dropping him onto his nose.

Mario ran on over to the Master Chief and nailed him with a power-slide in the middle of his get-up.

The Chief whipped out an Energy Sword for close-range combat. The first slash barely hit, but that was enough for it to draw blood in Mario's gut.

MC tried for a second hit with the Energy Sword, but Mario's cape spun the Spartan around.

"Huh?!" The Chief was shocked to find that he was stunned until the end of his slash animation and could not immediately bunny-hop, which led instead to him absorbing Luigi's down-tilted forward-smash.

MC was launched into the air, where Mario fired up F.L.U.D.D. at full blast and pushed him off the edge of the airship.

However, Mario's streak did not last long, as Wolverine's Berserker Barrage caught him in a long combo string.

Ryu wasn't far behind, with a Tatsumaki Senpukyaku that knocked Don Luigi silly.

"Eat shit, plumber!"

When Luigi attempted to get-up after the attack, Ryu chained several light hits hoping to lead into his signature Collarbone Breaker.

Falco interrupted Ryu with his Reflector, stunning the Karate master.

The Mii of Shigeru Miyamoto slapped the Mii of Satoru Iwata awake. "Hey, Toru-kun? There's another war going on."

"I... think I shat myself," the highly intoxicated Mr. Iwata mumbled. "Like, IRL."

"Damn it..." Miyamoto said. He couldn't very well leave Nintendo's CEO in this state. "Link, this could be a long fight, and I've gotta take care of Toru here. Await my return!"

"Didn't know you cared so much," Link said as he tossed a Gale Boomerang at a recently spawned Pokeball, caught it, and flung it into Zero's face, spawning a Gogoat that immediately ran over the Reploid.

"I don't," said Shigsy. "The wife just can't stand shit-stains on her furniture. It really fucks with our Zen thing, ya know? Interior decorating's the glue in our marriage."

"Hate to tell you this, but Mother CAST and I need to get going too," said Sakurai. "We need to distribute the computing power over more servers, or the whole system could blow."

"You, too?" Zelda asked Lady Fi, who replied with a silent nod as Little Mac fended off Haggar with clever spacing and quick but powerful punishes.

You could feel the disappointment in the air. The Smashers were disheartened at the thought of their creators leaving.

"I'll be back in a jiffy!" Sakurai said. "Here, have some Smash balls," he told Zelda, giving her a messenger bag filled with the glowing orbs.

"Will do, Uncle Sakurai," Zelda said at last. "We'll use them wisely."

"We'll a-leave some of this trash for you!" Mario yelled as his fireball broke him out of Spider-Man's web trap.

"Now, now! Are you projecting your own issues, ya stinky wino? Gotta make those AA meetings!" Spider-Man quipped as he nailed Mario with a leaping kick.

Mario fast-fell and ground-dodged Spidey's dive-kick. "I'm a-quit drinking, Peter! You don't a-know me!"

"Dude, really? Congrats!" Spidey replied, tapping Mario with a jab and then rapidly tangling him up with webbing (Web Throw).

Mario's head hurt like hell as Petey slammed him into the floor. "Uh, thanks?"

"Catch, Mario!" Zelda called, flinging a Smash Ball over to him.

After a high jump, Mario baited out an aerial kick from Spidey and punished him with a fading aerial Superpunch (forward-air), which sent Peter into the ground and hit the Smash Ball into Link, who used his dual Hylian kicks (back-air) to volley it back to his homie.

As the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man bounced off the floor, Mario fast-fell and continued his combo with a down-air, knocking Spidey upside the head. Mario then footstooled the bouncing Peter into a spike.

Spidey tossed out a web into Mario's eyes, but couldn't stop the deadly forward-air, which hit Spidey at a ten-o-clock angle. And so Mario launched him away, and soon afterwards clinched the Smash Ball with a corkscrew attack.

Mario used his Final Smash to push the web-slinger out of their hair, as well as the approaching Jill Valentine, Leon Kennedy, and Yoshi (collateral damage).

Yoshi landed in the midst of Chun-Li's mahjong game, upturning the table and knocking Taskmaster's sword into beheading Chop Chop Onion Master.

The whole thing spurred the Chinese cop to action, just as the Master Chief returned to the stage... and into Melville's falling tree.

"I was winning!" Chun-Li yelled. "Don't you try and run!"

_I wouldn't think of it! _Yoshi thought. He watched, lovestruck, as the deadly beauty leapt in the air and descended upon him with a Spinning Bird Kick.

"You're ass is grass, Dino Boy!" she screamed. "Here I go! Houyokusen!"

Saliva splattered from Yoshi's lips as she slammed him onto the floor and dashed towards him, her legs slamming him at near-light speed.

He inhaled and thoroughly enjoyed her intoxicating aroma as those legendary gigantic thighs and iron calves bruised and battered his cartoonish visage. Yoshi took a mental picture of the cameltoe visible between her sweaty tights.

That love space between her deadly weapons could probably crush a can of tomato paste. How muscular her innards were was all that Yoshi could think about as he was launched once more across the battlefield.

Hell, he would have gone erect if he hadn't lost so much blood.

"200 Launch Speed!" Mr. Miyamoto laughed while clocking the dinosaur's trajectory with a speed gun. "Those thighs can crush me any day!"

"Mr. Miyamoto!" Lara Croft exclaimed, jolly as a lad off to the ice cream van. "Far be it from me to want to trouble a legend, good sir, but would you be so kind as to join me in a photograph?"

"Ah, Lara, always a pleasure," said Shigsy. He smiled like a pro and posed with Lara while Frank West took their pic.

"That'll be three Zenny," Frank told Lara. He'd already filled several rolls worth of film of great scoop material.

Not too far away, Luigi leapt over Marcus Fenix, footstooled him, and then sent him into the ground with a corkscrew kick.

"Cheapskate," Lara grumbled, but coughed up the dough and gave Mr. Miyamoto a kiss on the cheek, which left him smiling all giddy.

"Quit fraternizing with the enemy!" yelled Curly Brace, who leapt in with her Machine Gun.

Mach Rider rocketed her bike to cover Shigeru and was killed on the spot.

"Are... you all right...?" she asked the Nintendo head developer, falling off her vehicle in slow-motion.

"NOOO!" Captain Falcon yelled, running towards Curly, also in slow-motion.

Curly Brace would have also sprayed Sakurai with bullets if Mr. Miyamoto hadn't used his Create ability to turn her firearm into a Splatoon .52 Gal launcher, which covered them in harmless paint instead.

"Rats," Curly said, anticipating Rosalina's back-aerial Galaxy as it slammed into her chrome face. She was soon launched by the miniature celestial body into Captain Falcon's back-air. That back-air was followed-up by Masahiro Sakurai's Kamehameha, which obliterated the android (**A/N:** in the time he had used Goku's body, Sakurai was able to make a copy of Goku's powers).

"I thought you were against violence," Luigi told her after karate-chopping Marcus Fenix in the neck, temporarily knocking him out.

"As a philosophy, it has its place," said Rosalina. "But in practicality... AHHH!"

Sentinel's Rocket Punch knocked Luma into Rosalina, who skidded onto the floor, creating a break in the phalanx.

Seeing an opening, The Incredible Hulk came charging towards the Mii trio just as Shigsy was in the midst of exiting the virual reality program.

"I'll cover ya, Dad!" Donkey Kong hollered as he ran in with a forward-air, putting his fists together to whack the Hulk upside the head. After a quick fast-fall, DK used his Headbutt (side-B) to plant the Incredible Hulk firmly into the floor.

Deadpool looked straight at the author and shook his head. "Come on, man. Really? There's no way the Hulk would let himself be caught up in such a predictable string. Weaksauce!"

DK would have punished him, too, if Morrigan's Darkness Illusion (MvC3 Level 1 HC) hadn't caught him in its midst.

The Author gave Deadpool the finger and thought aloud, "S_hut your piehole and DUCK!"_

"Duck?! Where?!" the fourth-wall-breaking assassin whirled around before the Duck Hunt duck's beak smacked him in the face.

"Fuck your shitty puns! Die, feathery freak!" Deadpool screamed as he shot the duck multiple times with his automatic pistols.

The dog leaned over his dying friend, crying as he stroked its twitching, bloody remains.

"Bark!" (Don't leave me...) The Dog cried. "Woof woof grrrr woof!" (I'll just get everyone to cry! Their tears will bring you back to life! It worked for that guy Ketchum!)

"Quaaaaaack..." (Yeaaaaah. I'd rather be dead than going what that kid's going through. Later brah.)

The duck then keeled over and died. Its eyes turned to X's.

"AWWWOOOOOOO!" (NOOOOOOOO!) howled the poor canine, who suddenly became filled with a sense of righteous vengeance.

Meanwhile, with the Hulk stuck in the ground, Donkey Kong was still caught in Morrigan's Hyper Combo. Simultaneously juggled by both Morrigan and a shadowy doppelganger, he sustained a heavy amount of damage before getting high-kicked by the Darkstalkers fighter's demonic heel.

"Ugh... did anyone get that succubus' number?" DK asked, his head spinning like a Togepi in a washing machine.

"No fair usin' Hyper Combos on our server!" Sheik yelled.

"Just be glad their 'X-Factors' don't work in this realm," said Impa as she deflected a barrage of Lara Croft's bullets into Pyramid Head, and then performed her bread-and-butter _Hyrule Warriors _combo on his creepy ass.

"All's fair in heaven, hell, and purgatory," said Morrigan to Sheik with a sultry lick of her lips. "My, I do love the androgynous ones."

"Sorry, not interested!" replied Sheik as a Needle stopped Morrigan in her tracks.

The Sheikah dashed forward, perfect-shielded Morrigan's jab, caught her in a down-tilt mixup, and followed-up with dual forward-airs until the succubus was sent wailing into the Helicarrier's high-speed rotors. To avoid dying, she disappeared in a poof of bats and retreated for the meantime.

* * *

**V. When The Tigers Broke Free**

"HULK SMASH!" screamed the Incredible Hulk as he broke out of the ground and ambushed Sheik with a Gamma Charge.

"Bye, bye, Banner!" Sheik replied as she recovered from the devastating attack. She teleported directly into the green menace, damaging him with the ensuing explosion.

But despite being hurt, Hulk wasn't knocked back far. He was able to slam Sheik into the ground with his descending fists.

_Right. Don't mention puny Banner..._ Sheik thought to herself rather concussed.

Lucario's Force Palm freed the Sheikah, and he covered her retreat with a splendid counter.

"MEDIOCRE!" Lucario taunted Hulk, who pulled the ground up from under him with Gamma Wave, stunning Mario, Lucario, and Sheik.

"Hey, Hulk! Pick on someone your own size!" screamed Ridley, who flew into the battle from above but was intercepted by Firebrand's swooping Hell Dive.

Ridley lashed out with a whip-crack of his whippy tail, and the beast was stunned.

Firebrand however recovered quickly, and Ridley left himself open for a counter-attack. The demon grabbed Ridley and, with his Bon Voyage attack, slammed the hellish creature laterally into the Helicarrier's bridge, completely destroying the controls.

"GRRRRAAAAHHHH!" Ridley cried as he took a huge bite out of Firebrand's chest.

The winged demon broke free from Ridley and retreated from the bridge, hovering over the Helicarrier once more.

Now that the bridge was wrecked, Captain America and X-23, who were supposed to be at the helm but were shagging in the corner, looked around to make sure the coast was clear.

"Do you think they saw anything?" asked X-23, whose sizeable breasts were chilly in the breeze now rushing in from the busted-up windows.

"Nah," said the topless First Avenger, who continued to push her head down over his dick. "Yeah, just like that! Faster!"

She pulled her head off and pouted, gobs of pre-cum and saliva dripping from her adorable chin. "But no one's steering the ship! We'll all crash and die!"

Steve Rogers scratched his chin. "You know... for a salacious mutant clone of Logan who sure knows how to please a pecker, you make a good point."

She slapped him in the face, which immediately erected the Statue of Liberty within the Super-Soldier's Freedom Condom.

Their solution was for X-23 to get on her hands and knees in front of the busted-up control panel so he could fuck her from behind while fiddling with the wiring.

* * *

**11:06 PM**

"GUYS!" yelled Mega Man, who was approaching the Helicarrier in Peach's hot air balloon. "We have incoming!"

Peach tapped the android on the shoulder. "You're going to need this," she said, handing him a Smash Ball from her picnic basket.

"You come prepared," Mega Man said, impressed.

"A lady expects the unexpected," Peach replied with a kiss. "Dream like you'll live forever. Live like you'll die today. Love like there's no tomorrow."

"And dance like nobody's watching," said Mega Man. "I'll put an end to that Fiona." He winked at her, then summoned Rush and rode him upwards to the invading forces.

On the Helicarrier, Zelda reflected Victor Von Doom's electric blasts and spotted what Mega Man had been pointing at and was now flying towards, far above in the sky.

"By the Light!" Zelda exclaimed as she bounced back Sentinel's missiles with Nayru's Love. "They're raining hellish weapons upon us!"

"Wait! Those aren't our forces!" yelled Viewtiful Joe, who was going hand-to-hand with Little Mac now that Chun-Li was launched far enough off the Helicarrier that she made it onto the hot air balloon, grabbed the lip, and pulled herself up on it. Peach was awaiting her with a frying pan, but it was worth it.

Meanwhile, Joe was finding it hard to get an opening on the speedy and methodical boxer.

"Then whose are they?" asked Ganondorf as he escaped Amaterasu's deadly dash attack and punished with a Warlock Kick.

Just then, a whole bunch of ships piloted by the other Smashers zoomed past the Helicarrier, overtook Slippy, and flew headlong towards the invading UNFS ships.

Dedede helmed _Halberd_ in Meta-Knight's absence. Bayonetta rode the _OG Great Fox_, which Krystal was piloting, with Wolf and Leon onboard.

Marle and Crono leapt off Doctor Wily's ship and joined the melee, taking on Ezio Auditore and Nathan Spencer, while Dr. Wily ascended to find and hopefully liberate his fellow Mad Scientists.

"Who the hell are you?" Ezio said to Crono. The assassin's daggers just barely deflected Crono's katana.

Paper Airplane Mario smacked Ezio in the back of the head, leaving him open to Crono's Lightning II, which short-circuited Ezio long enough for Marle to nail him in the neck with her crossbow.

"That's it...?" Ezio gasped before falling to his knees. "No... must... find a haystack..."

He yanked out the bolt and performed a Leap of Faith off the side of the Helicarrier, where after a two-thousand-foot drop he landed harmlessly in a four-foot-tall wooden cart with a bale of hay spread atop it and proceeded to heal himself.

Back on the Helicarrier, Spencer grabbed Paper Mario, pulled him into a bear hug, and crushed the guy underfoot. Or he would have, if Paper Mario hadn't flattened himself against the ground.

"Mamma Mia!" Paper Mario exclaimed, and quickly rolled away. "That was a-close!"

Crono advanced on the Bionic Commando, but his katana merely bounced off of Spencer's arm and stabbed Impa, who was currently fighting Strider Hiryu, in the gut.

"Ugh..." Impa groaned, holding her side. "This can't be it... Is there a healer in the house?"

Strider finished her off with a swift decapitation.

"GODDAMN IT!" Ganon cried. "Someone kill that fucker!"

Marth stole Crono's katana, dashed behind the ninja, and nailed him with a grab and down-throw to a forward-air string, climaxing with a Dolphin Slash.

But Strider was relatively unfazed. He landed on the edge of the Invisible Wall with Wall Cling, then trapped the prince in some air combos.

"LEGION!" he yelled, and a dozen or so robotic canines flooded the vicinity. Marth shielded most of them, but the last one knocked him back.

Strider grabbed Marth, leapt into the air while holding him, and slammed him down into the floor in a sort of Pile Driver.

"_Itai yo..._" (That hurt!) Marth exclaimed before countering Strider's next attempt, inadvertently hitting Crono, who was fighting to reclaim his weapon.

"Vyse! You missed the Helicarrier!" screamed Sora as their Pilotwings biplane passed the floating battlefield, as well as Peach's hot air balloon, where the princess' Toad countered Chun-Li's kicks with a face full of spores. Due to the increased weight, the balloon began descending.

"We're not aiming for the Helicarrier!" replied the Air Pirate in a terrible impersonation of Tim Allen, pointing towards a much larger mothership not too far above them, one the size of an entire military compound.

"YES! We shall bring them DEATH!" Riding on the other wing, Rayman's dark side, spurred by his digital adrenaline, took over his personality. He was completely bloodthirsty for the blood of the Original Ubisoft Rayman.

The Falcon Flyer, which was being remotely summoned by Captain Falcon, made a distinct turn from the convoy onto the Helicarrier, mowing down Doctor Doom and knocking Marcus Fenix aside.

From riding atop the ship, Shulk, Lucina, Ness, Lucas, and Diddy Kong emerged, and from within it Captain Falcon's Blue Falcon shot out.

He leapt into the cockpit and drove it straight into his Final Smash, which completely obliterated Taskmaster, whom Melville had stunned with a Gyroid.

"Special delivery!" Ness exclaimed. He fried Rocket Racoon with a PK Flash so that Shulk could toss Link the Master Sword.

Shulk ran around Bowser, who was toasting Akuma with his flamethrower, to get a direct line of sight with the Hylian, and swatted Strong Bad, who was singing, out of the way.

"Eyes up, mate!" Shulk screamed as he flung the weapon, whose momentum was true. Luigi tackled Ryu, who tried to interrupt the soaring blade by catching it.

"Thanks!" Link exclaimed, but it was premature, since Kratos' Blade of Athena knocked the sword away, where it stuck into the ground thirty feet from the Hylian.

Shulk ran to help, but was cornered by Dante from the _Devil May Cry_ series (the _Marvel VS Capcom 3_ version) and Vergil, his older brother.

While Shulk and Lucina faced the _DMC_ siblings, Kratos then moved to block Link's way, getting between him and the Master Sword. "Heh. Hit me with your best shot, Legolas!"

Link fired away, and Kratos blocked the arrow with his blade.

_Man, if only I had the Biggoron Sword, _Link thought, recalling the oversized blade mounted in his room. _There might be one way to get the edge up on this big lug._

"Hey, Kray-Kray, bet you're too scared to fight me with the Master Sword."

"Only my mother can call me that name! And I shall bet no such thing!" Kratos yelled. "Gambling is for foolish humans and opportunistic bankers!"

"Cool. So what do you say we settle this like professionals?"

"Why don't you SHUT UP AND DIE?!"

Link's eyes lit up in alarm as Kratos charged at him. He swung the flaming Blades of Chaos around his head twice, stunning the Hylian, before slashing from below to launch him in the air.

_This guy's no joke, _Link thought as Kratos grew demonic wings, pursued him, and then whipped out a Spartan spear and attempted to stab Link downwards.

However, Link had carefully positioned the Hylian shield and allowed Kratos' attack to propel him towards the Master Sword. The spear's power made it so he landed faster and had time to block Kratos' follow-up Helios Flash blast.

"That all you got?" Link sneered as he whipped out a bomb. "I've caught tougher shrimps than you while fishing!"

"I am not a shrimp!" boomed Kratos, who swung his Blades of Athena to grab Link, only to have them repelled by his hookshot. "Shrimps are small sea creatures!"

"Aha! That's who you remind me of! 'Drax the Destroyer'!" said Link as he flung out his Regular Boomerang.

"I know of no Drax!" Kratos roll-dodged the weapon as he advanced.

The boomerang instead hit Chun-Li, who was ejected from the hot air balloon and continued to dodge the turnips Peach was dropping from the basket.

"You're about half as literal as he is, and half as smart. HYEAH!" Link jumped into the air, making for Kratos.

Enraged, Kratos leapt into the air with a swing of his blades to match him, but Link immediately fast-fell after his own jump.

He anticipated Kratos' trajectory, and dashed forward into his three-hit Master Sword combo (up-smash), of which all three connected.

While in the air, Kratos' loincloth caught on one of Sentinel's missiles and he was launched away.

"Eat poodle shit and die, you mortal!" Kratos screamed as he flew away helplessly.

"Poodle-shaming much?" Viewtiful Joe chastised him before knocking out Melville with a power-punch to the face.

"When next we meet, Hylian, I shall slice out your organs one by one and take your woman out to eat them at a nice restaurant!"

"You kiss your momma's cock with those lips?" Link responded as he sheathed his sword.

"Don't talk to me about mothers! I don't have one!" cried Pit, who had just finished beheading Cassandra from _Soul Calibur_. "We're fucking programs! I'll never have one!"

"Uh, hey, Pit," said Link, who was kinda concerned. "You havin' a bad trip?"

"Don't talk to me! Don't make me assume my ultimate form!" Pit screamed as he ran straight into Hawkeye, slammed him down into the ground and stabbed him dozens of times in the back with his blades.

Link saw that Marth was busy dodging Strider Hiryu's Ouroborous energy discs, but there was little way of getting over to help his buddy.

Plus, it was probably best for their own sakes that they not be seen together until this whole "Fifty Shades of Green" thing blew over.

He also spotted Princess Toadstool dropping turnips on unsuspecting foes, leaving them open to follow-ups. _Clever tactic, princess,_ Link thought as she trapped Spencer, leaving him prey for Diddy Kong's up-air combo.

So the Hero of Time ran over to help Zelda fight Phoenix, whose vitality appeared to be dropping, but got caught up dealing with Frank West's baseball bat.

_Good luck, honey, _he told her. _Gotta fend off the paparazzi._

_It's your fault you're so popular, _she quipped. _I think I've got this one. Jean's not using Supers_. _She's going for Dark Phoenix._

_I can hear your thoughts, you know_, Phoenix telepathically interrupted their conversation. _Haven't you read my bio?_

"I'm more of a DC girl myself," said Zelda, who recalled how she had been forced through the years to endure watching Evo streams with her boyfriend whenever he decided to host guys' night at his room while she was there. "And you didn't have to tell me but you did it anyway. That's fine sportsmanship."

"Buttering me up isn't going to change your fate, brown-noser," Phoenix dodged Din's Fire, only to fall into an up-smash.

"I would be disappointed if it did," Zelda said. She chased the telepath into the air, hoping to punish with a fading Lightning Kick, but Phoenix's fiery kicks interrupted the attack from above and sent Zelda stagebound.

The princess teched off of the ground, only to absorb a descending energy blast, which launched her into the air.

The woman formerly known as Jean Grey followed up with several aerial kicks... or so Zelda foresaw. With a short-hop, she activated Nayru's Love to cancel out the impending attacks.

Only, Phoenix had read her mind, and waited out Nayru's Love.

"FIRE!" she screamed, zooming towards the princess.

The attack connected on the last of Zelda's recovery frames, scorching the hem of the princess' dress.

Zelda tore off a piece of the cloth and tied it around her hair. "Reading minds is one thing. But you're knowing what I know before I know it..."

"It's nothing special," said Phoenix. "By seeing which portions of the human brain light up, any run-of-the-mill neuroscientist can predict human behavior seconds before the person has even made a choice."

"That would make sense if our universe truly is two-dimensional, and our brains are just devices to interpret incoming signals. Ever hear the holographic universe theory?"

"Quantum physics can't solve the double-slit experiment with a material worldview," replied Phoenix. "Electrons do not exist if they are not observed. The stuff of life being, therefore, consciousness. Not material. What's your point?"

"That maybe those humans are just as digital as we are, Doctor Grey. And maybe that means there's no reason for any of us to fight them."

_She knows I'm stalling, _thought Zelda._ I need to act without thinking. Just got totally kami-krazy before she can rack up her Level 5, _she told herself while arguing passionately, hoping her words would obscure her strategizing.

_As much as I appreciate the purity of your world view, you can't hide from my mind, _Phoenix said telepathically, spamming her projectiles.

While retreating, Zelda wished she had a scouter so as to assess Jean's power level.

_Maybe it's better if I wait till I get some help, or fight defensively until she gives me a good opening for a finish. She's probably close. If she gets to activate Dark Phoenix..._

However, Zelda did not get the chance to test these big questions, as who else but Pit should swoop above Phoenix like a bat out of hell, emitting a Tarzan yell.

Phoenix dodged his first two attacks. She caught him with a jab then juggled him into the air, filling up her meter with a visible flash.

With a smile, Phoenix then dropped her combo and let him grab onto her skull, snap her neck off, and finish off her corpse with the Upperdash Arm.

"WHO DA MAN?!" Pit screamed to the heavens as he stuck a tongue out, anticipating the feast of Phoenix's blood.

Except that's not what happened. A blinding light filled the arena.

"Now you've done it," Zelda sighed.

"What did you DOOOO, PIT?!" Ganondorf lamented as he headbutted Iron Fist, leaving a definite bruise on his forehead.

"I CAN'T CONTROOOOOL IT!" Jean screamed.

Dark Phoenix emerged from the transformation and set her sights on Pit. "YOU!"

Pit sprayed his teeth with chrome spray paint. "Yeah, MEEEE! BRING IT!"

She brought it, dashing into the angel with her insanely fast and powerful strikes.

Pit's reflexes were so fast, he actually broke the mechanics of the server. But Dark Phoenix was on another level of speed. She knocked him down with a flaming projectile, punished his get-up with another, launched him, caught him in a flurry of kicks, and slammed him into Crono, nearly missing Bowser as he body-slammed Thor into the floor.

"NOOO!" Marle exclaimed as her red-haired RPG protagonist ex-husband and lifelong buddy was immediately killed.

Pit, on the other hand, went soaring into one of the Helicarrier's fighter jets. He rebounded off of it just in time for Dark Phoenix to teleport towards the jet and pick it up and hold it over her head.

_My Goddess... help me! _Pit broadcasted, but Palutena was too busy fending off TIE fighters to hear his plea.

"YOU GOTTA BE SHITTIN' ME!" Pit wailed as she slammed it onto his face repeatedly until his skull cracked right open and his brains were splattered all over the deck.

* * *

**VI. Homework**

**The Helicarrier  
11:10 PM**

While Link began his fight with Kratos, Lucas, Ness, Diddy, Lucina, and Shulk made the rounds, redistributing weapons to the Smashers and clearing ground.

Bomberman finally arrived riding one of Eggman's Eggmobiles. He was writing erotica featuring Anita Sarkeesian while using a Twiddler to type.

Pit finally landed on the Helicarrier and began his drug-fueled rampage by slashing Freddie Kreuger's arms off.

"THERE ARE NO STRINGS ON ME!" Pit bellowed, his white toga flushing crimson.

Dante began his assault on Shulk with a Stinger attack, which just missed.

Eager for battle, Lucina leapt in with her charged Shield Breaker, only for Dante to spot-dodge and punish by spinning his sword, Rebellion, in a pinwheel fashion, launching her into the air, where she dodged a follow-up but could not punish.

At the same time, Shulk countered Vergil's heavy slash.

All four fighters landed across from one another, neither able to gain ground.

"I hope you kids have health insurance," said Dante. "'Coz when we're finished with you, you'll wish you'd done your homework."

"Really?!" Shulk cried incredulously. "That's what you're gonna go with? You've got a whole AAA backlog of great cheesy one-liners, and you're spouting out a non-sequitur!"

"Fine, have another," said Dante, who then started coughing. "Man... if only I had something to combat this terrible garlic breath from all that Korean BBQ at Magneto's party..."

Who else but Sonic the Hedgehog should show up, toting a pack of Listerine Strips. "Listerine... it kills germs that cause bad breath."

"Why, thank you, Sonic!" Dante exclaimed, taking a strip as well as a small envelope with his cut before Sonic dashed off to do some damage to Thor and build up his next paycheck.

"Ugh. Not only are you shaming us, you're wasting our time breaking immersion," Vergil insisted as he suddenly and quickly advanced upon Shulk, who could barely fend off his slashes. Dante's bullets were denied by Lucina's Dancing Blade.

"It'll take more than bullets to stop me!" Lucina yelled, dodging as Fox McCloud's back-aerial knocked Amaterasu into Lucario's Aura Sphere.

The time traveler finally closed in with a forward-tilt slash, which Dante barely blocked. Lucina anticipated his retaliating jab with a Perfect Shield and replied by grabbing him.

She tossed him into the floor but missed her free hit as Dante leapt away and blasted her feet with his twin handguns, Ebony and Ivory.

Lucina had the foresight to roll back, leaving them at a standstill once again.

"Bringing a gun to a sword fight... you're not the types to fight fair," observed Lucina.

"Sure. Seems you mortals know a thing or two about sword fighting," said Vergil.

"I've just played all your games," Shulk admitted. "And a ton of _MvC_."

"So you two think you can see the future?" Dante taunted Shulk. "Cute."

Lucina put on her charm. "If _you_ think you can do better, then please, enlighten us."

"I see... a sword," said Dante, who ran his hand seductively down his sword. "First I whip it out. Then I thrust it. With great force!"

His other hand rubbed the front of his pants, drawing careful attention to the tenting in his crotch region. Lucina found herself at a loss for breath.

Dante licked his lips. "Mmmm. Every angle..! It penetrates! Until...! With great strength! I.. ram it in! In the end, we are all satisfied, and you are set free."

"That sounds like a shit future," said Shulk as the standoff continued.

They were interrupted by a deafening Power Bomb explosion nearby, one none of them had anticipated.

* * *

**Samus' Gunship  
11:05 PM**

As a part of the ascending spacecraft formation, Samus rode her typical Zebesian ship, with Snake, Palutena, and Dark Pit onboard.

"Mario's party needs help," Samus observed from her scanners. "Palutena, you know how to fly this thing, right?"

"Does this make you tickle?" Palutena asked as she licked the bottom of Samus' neck, trailing up to her earlobe, which she nibbled on.

"Mmmmm." Snake discreetly hid his hard-on as Samus jolted the ship, fighting to suppress the shuddering between her legs.

"D-d-d-don't do that!" Samus stammered, temporarily losing her cool. "Scared the shit outta me!"

The bounty hunter donned her full armor. "Snake, you coming with?"

Snake nodded. But before they could leave, the ship was rattled with missile blasts from an ascending fleet of Covenant Banshees.

Bayonetta had already destroyed two of them, but Snake saw an opportunity.

"I'll be back," he said, mimicking Arnold, and then gave Samus a kiss before dropping down the bottom hatch.

"He stole my thunder again," Samus sighed.

Snake landed on one of the Banshees and quickly grabbed onto the starboard wing. He swung his hand around to plant a suction-cup grip on the glass, then kicked into the cockpit, shattering the glass.

The Covenant pilot started babbling in its annoying language while Snake tossed it out of the ship, where it plummeted a thousand feet before slamming into the ocean.

Snake entered the craft and continued ascending.

"Nice ride," Palutena said, pulling up in a Banshee of her own beside him. She pointed her staff at Snake's ship and the shattered cockpit glass reformed.

"How the hell?!" Snake asked from Snake's codec.

"Since merging with Mother CAST, I'm part mod now!" Palutena giggled.

"Sweet. You cover the battlefield. I'm gonna take out some bogeys," Snake told her before breaking off to eliminate the TIE fighters tailing Bayonetta.

Just then, Palutena heard Pit's blood-curdling scream. She turned her eyes to the approaching Helicarrier as Dark Phoenix slammed Pit's skull into the floor and ended his life.

"A worthy opponent!" exclaimed Palutena, who piloted her Banshee on a kamizake dive towards Dark Phoenix. However, her dive-bomb was interrupted by a ship slamming into hers at a 90-degree angle.

It was the _Aphelion_, a sentient ship piloted by Ratchet and Crank.

"Your days are numbered, Goddess!" Ratchet jeered, firing three Omega Multi-Discs that Palutena nimbly reflected with her Reflect spell, which she spammed faster than should have been possible.

"Hax!" Ratchet called. "Party foul over here!"

"BOO!" the cast of _Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3_ all jeered in unison.

"I can't help being Enlightened," Palutena said as she blew him a kiss. "You can be, too, if you all free your minds."

Now safe, Dark Phoenix raised her eyes to the sky and emitted a war cry not unlike that of an adult T-Rexaur. The unholy noise shook the entire Helicarrier, alerting everyone to her presence.

The mutant's victory pose was interrupted by uber-powerful yellow lasers fired from the _OG Great Fox, _in addition to a barrage of magical bullets from the woman standing atop the mothership_._

"Let's see you take on someone a bit closer to your weight class!" Bayonetta taunted her. "You know I enjoy a challenge."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Krystal asked Bayonetta through the comm.

"I've fought worse. Be a dear and launch me an Arwing," Bayonetta said through her Bluetooth headset.

From the Helicarrier, Zelda watched in horror as Dark Phoenix then took to the air in pursuit of the _OG Great Fox_.

Bayonetta leapt off of the mothership, landed on the launched Arwing, and used her magic to pilot the all-range fighter towards the approaching Phoenix Force glass cannon, giving Krystal a chance to escape the situation.

"Eyes on!" Sheik exclaimed, using Bouncing Fish to leap over Zelda and save her from _Darkstalkers_' Bulleta/B.B. Hood, whom Sheik then proceeded to trap in a forward-air string that ended with the Darkhunter being pushed off the ledge.

* * *

Astride Charizard toasting fools, Ike watched as Solid Snake took out three other Banshees with some nimble piloting skills.

"I want one of those Banshees," Ike said. "Aw, fuck it! Charizard, you're on your own!"

Charizard seemed fine with this. "GWARRRR!" (You're heavy as shit, anyway!)

He dove Charizard over a Banshee and dropped on top of the ship, stabbing the Covenant pilot in the head. Though the spacecraft was spinning out of control, he wedged Ragnell between the glass and pried it open, which was as easy to him as popping open a soda can.

"YAAAAAHHHHH!" Ike yelled as the G-forces made it difficult for him to pull up on the flight stick. He was about to crash right into the Helicarrier.

Hulk took aim at Ike's ship and used his very unsafe Gamma Crush Hyper Combo, pulling a flippin' meteor out of the air and attempting to catch Ike with it.

Thankfully, Snake and Charizard flew in formation under Ike at high speed, from either direction, crisscrossing directly under him whilst firing.

Snake's lasers and Charizard's Rock Smash blasted the meteor to bits, stopping Hulk mid-rampage, whilst creating an updraft that slowed the Banshee's spinning enough for the mercenary to cram into the flight seat.

Ike escaped the situation with just moderate damage to the Banshee, while Hulk wasted a HC meter.

Narrowly missing Charizard, Samus' gunship then peppered the Hulk with lasers and missiles before Samus herself dropped down from the hold and unleashed a fully-charged Power Beam at the Hulk.

The recoil from Samus' gun-arm propelled her backwards, towards the center of the arena.

She just missed an ascending Smash Ball that Rosalina failed to acquire and smacked into Akuma's back, knocking the karate master off his feet in the midst of activating his Tatsumaki and sparing Mario from a sneak attack.

There was no time for 'thank yous', however, since swarms of TIE fighters were now emerging from Fiona's floating deathtraps.

"Man, is this whole thing just free marketing for Disney, or what?" exclaimed Deadpool, spying the iconic spaceships from the Smoking Area.

"Hardly," replied Batman, who was sitting on his throne on the deck. "Those ships are from a contingent loyal to the now-defunct LucasArts. They hate that rodent Mickey almost as much as I do. And I don't see Iron Man anywhere."

"You mean that arrogant Stark fella?" said Sam Gideon from_ Vanquish_. "Word is he was seduced by Fiona's toys."

"Pity," angsted Bruce Wayne. "A waste of genius."

"You're one to talk! Why the hell are you here if you aren't even gonna fight?!" asked Sam, who was taking a smoke break but was scouring the crowd for Solid Snake, not knowing he was still airborne. He watched in curiosity as Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi double-teamed the Hulk with aerial combos.

"My fight is an internal one," Batman said. "It's with death and despair."

"Thank you, Edgar Allen Poe-sempai," said Deadpool. "May I have another?"

"The world is just one bad day from ending up where I am," said Batman. "In the deep darkness where crime never sleeps. Count yourself lucky to be among the living."

With that, the Dark Knight, rather than disappearing dramatically after some cryptic line, continued sucking on his Ring Pop.

Deadpool turned away, wondering if Batman would in fact be gone when he turned his head, but when he looked back, he was still there.

Just sitting on the throne.

The idiosyncracy of this inaccurate character portrayal so frustrated Sam Gideon that he put out his cigarette and went back to attempted killing.

"Surpise," said Samus Aran, who nailed him with her Plasma Beam before realizing that the attack wasn't one she'd used in the _Super Smash Bros_. series.

"Huh," said the bounty hunter as both she and he took cover. "That's right!" she exclaimed after a second of introspection. "It makes perfect sense! We can use attacks from our other games... without our memories... we got locked into patterns."

Sam dashed around the long way, taking cover behind a crate. He tossed a grenade, but Samus nailed it mid-flight with a Super Missile and dashed directly for him. Sam leapt over the crate, activated his jets to boost him horizontally to safety, and absorbed a Morph Ball bomb to the face.

"A little less conversation, please," Sam insisted.

After landing, Samus raised her gun-arm to block Sam's bullets, some of which hit her in the gut, while charging up her Ice Beam.

The bullets didn't pierce her Chozo-made armor, but each one would likely leave a big bruise. She unleashed her fully-charged up blast at Sam, freezing his rifle.

As she found cover behind a pillar, Sam opened his helmet to scratch his chin and swapped to the shotgun. "Sweet alien tech. Care to hook me up with your tailor?"

"You can't win this fight. Back off."

_We've been playing Smash for so long, we've limited our own options..._ Samus continued monologuing to herself.

_All this time, we kept ourselves locked in cages of the mind. Keeping us from our true selves._

"I'm on my knees for you, baby," Sam said, dropping to his knees. His jet-suit slid, jet-propelled, on the floor towards Samus' hiding spot, in an attempted ambush.

But Samus had turned into her Morph Ball form and left behind another Power Bomb to wipe Sam off the map.

"That's just plain fucked up," Sam said. He dove over the bomb like a good soldier, but it did nothing against the Power Bomb's particle-erasing blast.

The space-warping explosion incinerated him, took out a good chunk of one of the Helicarrier's rotors, and sent the ship off-balance.

Its shockwave knocked Frank West off the edge, to his doom.

* * *

**VII. Iron Man**

**2700 Feet Above Sea Level  
11:07 PM**

"This assault ends here!" yelled Robin and Robyn in unison as they led the charge against Fiona's army aboard individual Arwings flying around one another in a corkscrew formation, each one's momentum speeding up the other until they nearly overloaded the G-Diffusers.

They spam-fired Hyper Lasers in unison at the first of the Unidentified Nuclear Flying Superweapons and took the boss-class ship down in the span of several seconds.

"Not if I can help it!" said Iron Man, who had recently defected in support of the Supreme Overlord Fiona, for reasons yet to be revealed. "Admiral Ackbar, activate the Hyper-Shields!"

"Shields on at maximum!" Ackbar commanded from aboard the Rebellion Flagship Home One, circling above the battle like a cigar-shaped bird of prey.

Wario and Meta-Knight cleared the line of tampon-shaped UNFSes, only to face their Rogue Squadron and Rebel Alliance escorts.

In a split-second, Robin and Robyn's Arwings blasted past the shield just as it was starting up.

Suddenly, the rest of the invading UNFS forces were shielded from the ascending blasts. The energy shields connected the descending airships and formed a huge crushing electric wall, not too unlike the one formed by Nova ships near the end of _Guardians of the Galaxy_.

(**A/N:** Except in that movie there were like a bazillion Nova ships, and here there's only about two dozen UNFS.)

"Double back!" Robin yelled to the other ascending ships, who retreated from the seemingly impervious shield before they slammed into it at top speed.

"AIEEEEE!" Kirby exclaimed as his Warp Star nearly missed the U-turn, just barely clipping onto the wall, which sparked against his Star and electrocuted him.

"FUUUUUUCK!" screamed the Puffball, but King Dedede came to the rescue. From behind the Halberd's helm, he flipped the ultra-large ship around into an aerial drift, aiming it in such a way that its rear thrusters just barely scooped up Kirby, knocking him to relative safety.

"Whew!" Kirby replied as he made it onboard the Halberd, which had finished its U-turn, and hopped up towards the bridge.

"You good?" Dedede asked his friend as he cracked a window and let him in.

"Thanks, man!" Kirby said, and then gasped at an incoming Unibeam. "Behind us!"

Dedede whipped the very large ship into a barrel-roll, prompting Meta-Knight, who was watching from Wario's ascending Arwing, to nearly have a heart attack despite it all.

Iron Man dashed towards the _Halberd_.

"Awwwww, shiiiit!" Dedede screamed as he toasted one of the primary turrets.

"Leave it to me!" Kirby told his buddy, and then leapt out onto the deck. "Hey, you sociopathic arms manufacturer!"

Tony Stark was ready with a quip. "Don't forget billionaire, philanthropist, playbo- AHHH!"

Before Tony knew what had hit him, Kirby had sucked him within the alternate dimension of his insides, absorbed his power, and spat him back out.

"How rude!" he replied. "Too bad you wasted your one opening."

Iron Man fired beams from his hands at Kirby, but the puffball merely dodged them by flattening himself against the floor.

"The hell?" Stark yelled, and rose in the air to make it rain lasers, only to be sniped by one of the _Halberd's _cannons.

"Time to get rid of your home court advantage," said Stark, who proceeded to fly across the deck and bust up every cannon he could.

"Easy on the equipment!" Dedede called over the intercom system.

Kirby summoned a Warp Star and chased Tony down. With the Warp Star's near-light speed acceleration, he managed to slam Iron Man into the wooden deck again, and opened his mouth to fire another Unibeam.

But as the murderous terror known as Kirby opened his mouth, Stark pulled his head as far to the side as he could, and the Unibeam missed his face by inches and toasted a hole through the _Halberd_.

"Uh oh," said Kirby, whom Tony tried to headbutt, but missed.

The puffball leapt up, kicked Tony in the face with a back-air, and drilled his feet (down-air) into the armor.

"That dick Fiona had me locked up in a cage, feedin' me nothin' but scraps!" Kirby yelled. "He advocates torture and slavery! What makes you think he'll spare _your_ dick, at the end of this?!"

"That was part of our agreement, obviously," Stark admitted as Kirby was hit by his shoulder-mounted missiles and sent flying. "I get up to 2% of the blondes or brunettes he doesn't want. It's not a raw deal."

"You people are sick!" Kirby continued as he closed the distance from above.

But as he descended, Iron Man caught him in an aerial combo string that finished with a repulsor blast that sent the pink one swiftly down.

As he bounced off the ground, Iron Man brought out the Big Gun.

"Sacrifices must be made to pave the road for gender equality! Now just sit still!"

Iron Man aimed his gigantic Angled Proton Cannon as a devastating Hyper Combo, but before his attack could connect, something flew by and swept Kirby out of the line of fire.

"What was that?" Tony asked, but didn't have to wonder for long, since his head was subsequently smacked really hard by Mega Man's Hard Knuckle.

"I'm so not liking this," said Tony, who fired upon the Blue Bomber, who'd just landed on the deck before him.

"You really gotta learn to respect others' property!" said Mega Man as he ground-dodged Iron Man's close-ranged Repulsor Spread and nailed him with a slide attack into a...

"SHORYUUUUUUKEN!" Mega Man yelled, prompting Ryu, who was aboard the nearby Helicarrier fighting Mario, to do a double-take, then wonder if he was just hearing things.

Iron Man was launched high above. Tony fired off his leg thrusters (Jumping Focus Shot) in an attempt to nail Mega Man, but two of the android's Air Shooter attacks sent him further upwards before Iron Man could act out of them.

"This is my fight!" Kirby insisted.

Mega Man winked at him while pressuring his opponent with more Air Shooters. "Trust me, bro. This match-up is more appropriate. Go fight Majin Buu or something."

"Why, is he here?!" asked Kirby, excited to re-enact the epic and highly controversial episode of _Death Battle._

"Who knows, brah?" Mega Man replied as he trapped the descending Iron Man in his Top Spin.

But Kirby did not need to seek out a battle, since it came straight to him... in the form of Buck Bumble, the super-powered but diminutive N64 Ubisoft star, who came at him with his entire arsenal of automatic alien firearms.

Kirby merely inhaled the tiny bee, then compressed the electrons of the space within his body to crush him.

_Ubisoft, boy_, thought Kirby. _You be soft._

"Yo, Kirbs! Watch 'yo three o'clock!" King Dedede's voice sounded out over the intercom.

Kirby ducked as Bayonetta zipped by atop her Arwing, with Dark Phoenix trailing directly behind her. Kirby was nearly sucked away by the vaccuum left in their wake, but grabbed onto a turret wailing.

He had to shield his eyes with his free hand when Samus' Power Bomb went off on the Helicarrier below them.

"I can't tell if you're a ripoff of _Tron_, or _Astro Boy_," said Tony as he recovered from Mega Man's dash attack and fired shoulder-mounted missiles at the Bomber.

"And I can't tell why this shit matters to you so much," said Mega Man, who leapt over the attacks and sent a Metal Blade flying down diagonally to cover his landing. "You just wanna kill all of us anyway and rule the world like some Super Alpha Male or some shit, don'tcha?!"

"Oh, my. They _are _busy down there," Bayonetta said as she continued to dance atop the Arwing, effortlessly dodging another one of Dark Phoenix's projectile storms.

"DIIIEEEEE!" Dark Phoenix demanded of Bayonetta.

"Not one for conversation?" she said and pulled a sudden U-turn with the Arwing, while simultaneously lashing Dark Phoenix with her Shuraba whip and slamming her into the electrical shield being projected by Fiona's forces.

"No, no, no! Ya dumb shit!" King Dedede called at Kirby over the intercom. "Yer other three o'clock! Yer niner!"

And then Kirby spun around to meet about three hundred bees swarming him out of nowhere.

"Oh, brother," Kirby said as he hopped a Warp Star out of there, leading the bees off the _Halberd_.

"We are the future!" Tony insisted, prepping his Unibeam.

"Release power inhibitors!" he yelled. "Iron Avenger! Lock and load!"

But Mega Man was ready. He popped open a compartment on his chest, between his built-in ice cream freezer and his GameCube controller storage, and whipped out Peach's Smash Ball, which he'd proceeded to bust up as fast as he could.

_C'MON, C'MON, C'MON! _Mega Man thought.

When Iron Man's Unibeam fired, Mega Men X, Volnutt, .EXE, and Star Force all countered it with their combined forces.

King Dedede put on the pair of Ray-Bans he bought from Sonic at the party, so he could see who would win the Battle of the Beams, but the collision culminated in a huge blast that split the _Halberd _in two, straight down the middle, without damaging either party.

"Huh. So I'm not the only one with an infinite power core," observed Tony.

"Nice try!" yelled the Blue Bomber before realizing that they were all pretty much _fucked_. "Ya know, we're not so different, you and I."

_Meta's gonna kill me,_ Dedede thought as his half of the _Halberd _fell straight out of the sky. He ran to the storage closet in search of some Dragoon pieces.

* * *

**IX. Aces High**

**Wario's (Falco's) Arwing  
11:11 PM**

While the _Halberd _was still in one piece, King Dedede had just picked up Kirby after his Warp Star shattered against the UNFS' mega-shield.

"BE CAREFUL WITH MY BABY!" Meta-Knight yelled at his distant comrades. Suddenly, he found his mittens struggling to keep their grip on the wheel as Wario barrel-rolled, dodging lasers from some approaching TIEs.

"BEEP!" A message appeared on the Arwing's comm. system.

"Chibi-Robo!" Ganon's voice sounded out as he narrowly dodged Haggar's Lariat and punished with a Warlock Kick, which gave him his ground back. "Is the video on?!"

The diminutive robot nodded, shaking the camera on Wario's HUD screen.

"Ganon?!" Wario replied. "Who the hell are you a-fighting?"

"Some mayor who loves wrestling!" Ganon said as the camera shook and spun as a result of Chibi-Robo narrowly avoiding a nearly Bob-Omb explosion. "It's fucking chaos here, man! Listen! We analyzed Gadd's digital DNA!"

"Fly, numbskull!" Meta-Knight screamed. He reflected a TIE Fighter's lasers, killing the digital pilot in one hit, then grabbed on tight as Wario hit the Boost to get through two approaching Covenant Banshees.

"That Arwing should have a digital DNA tracker onboard! Let Chibi-Robo plug into your system, he'll configure it for ya! Those force fields were manufactured by his company! I'm willing to bet if you find him, you'll find Fiona!"

Wario pulled at his moustache. "WAHAHAHAH! That's great! Great! Only... hmmm. How... are we supposed to do this... aaaah-configure thing? Is there a floppy disk?"

"I highly doubt that! Bring up the system Shell!"

"Wait, what's a-with all this Anthro Porn? Look behind you!"

"Try Ctrl-Alt-Delete?!" Ganon suggested as he headbutted Marcus Fenix, who had just popped out from behind a crate he was using as cover with a fully revved-up Chainsaw Bayonet.

Ganon's follow-up down-tilt connected moments before the weapon made contact.

When Marcus stumbled, his bayonet ended up chopping one of Super-Skrull's arms off.

"Ughhh, got some on me," Marcus observed with disgust, pulling a chunk of the alien's flesh from his face.

"I _just _had these fists buffed! You asshat!" Super Skrull groaned.

Ganon Sparta-Kicked the furious alien off-camera, where Lucario made short work of what was left of him.

Wario continued to scratch his chin. "Hmmm, I guess it makes a-sense Falco would be into Muppet Porn. What's this old _Thunderbirds _shit? GAH! Fucking pop-up ads!"

On the video, Ganon groaned as Haggar's Pipe Swing struck him in the noggin and left a rather large bump.

_Just my luck, _Ganon thought._ Wario's not just a fool, he's completely computer-illiterate._

"Okay, there should be a button on the bottom-right of your HUD. Click it."

"Kay," said Wario as he swung his spacecraft around and narrowly avoided a heat-seeking rocket launched by what looked like a cyborg standing atop one of the UNFS.

"Who the hell is that?" Meta-Knight asked as they flew by. He was definitely part cyborg. Only, he wasn't sure it was a he, since he appeared to be wearing high heels.

And he/she/it was leaping from UNFS to UNFS with superhuman agility, making his way towards them. A futuristic katana was just drawn.

"Avoid that guy!" Meta-Knight yelled at Wario, who was so busy trying to find Prof. E. Gadd's coordinates that he didn't look up at his ally through the cockpit glass until Meta-Knight pounded on it with his hilt.

Meanwhile, a blur of blue and red zipped through the sky and took out one of the UNFS in a matter of seconds, accompanied by the iconic John Williams theme.

"WHICH GUY?!" Wario asked, but it was too late.

Raiden from _Metal Gear Rising_ landed on top of the Arwing, stabbing the craft in the nose with his katana.

"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" Raiden taunted his opponents. Behind him, Robin and Robyn took turns eliminating the Starcraft Interceptors attempting to flank them as two Protoss Carriers approached from the portal.

"Jack the Ripper!" Meta-Knight welcomed him. "Dude! Huge fan! Your work is meta as fuck! Please sign my copy of _MGR_?!"

"The only thing I'll be signing is your wedding registry, because it's going to be in hell!"

Meta-Knight squeed.

Unrelated to this, Son Goku flew right past them, helping the Kryptonian bust up the UNFS ships.

"The... Gates of Hell, to be more exact!" Raiden blurted. "Now selling Nintendo-related costumes for 120,000 Halos! This monologue was sponsored by Rodin's Treasures! Half off all Coutures, today only!"

Wario nimbly steered the Arwing under one of Fiona's flaming airships.

"Say it ain't so!" Meta-Knight replied, aghast, as he quit shoving his hand down his throat to search the pocket dimension within himself for the copy of _Metal Gear Rising _he kept ready for this very circumstance. "You're a sellout too?"

"If it isn't ads, it's micro-transactions," said Raiden. "Gaming a dollar at a time until you've spent half your paycheck on _Candy Crush_ and wasting precious hours on _Destiny_ loot caves, or some feature for your MMO mount to prove your loyalty. Take your pick."

_Snake was right, _Meta-Knight thought._ You're a hell of a chatterbox._

"Just sayin', man," Meta-Knight replied. "One corporate whore's one too many, andd we already got one. Not naming names, but... we all hate his spiky blue ass!"

"Bet you like your asses tender, hairy, and pink, then," Raiden said in his overly intense '80s-anime-dub voice. "Let me give ya a new crack, one you'll just DIE for!"

He ran up the craft, slicing it in two with his sword, but Meta-Knight's Drill Rush stopped him in his tracks before he could reach the cockpit.

Immediately after Meta-Knight interrupted Raiden, the engines cut out. Wario lost control of the Arwing and it fell into a nosedive.

Raiden stabbed his blade into one of the Arwing halves and looked his enemy in the eye. He took stock of what he did wrong. He would have Perfect Parried the attack.

However, as of late he had been slacking on the job. Well, that and he was fighting against the horrors of surviving a test-run of Supreme Overlord Fiona's "Mindfucker".

With his "Zantetsuken" technique, he could surgically and methodically slow time, yank his victim's phallus and scrotum clear out of their physical body, and behead them before they could feel any pain.

Sometimes this was actually worse for the victims, since they died so quickly that they did not even know what hit them, and when they respawned, the feelings of utter shame at having lost their cock without even the decency of a good fight drove certain unnamed fighters (*cough* Kratos *cough*) into a great frenzy.

But tonight, because Meta-Knight's cock was carefully hidden in a hatch directly underneath the bottom of his helmet, Raiden's technique was all but useless.

"Why won't you just die?!" Raiden yelled as his wild katana slash nearly knocked Meta-Knight off the spinning Arwing.

"You first," Meta-Knight said and just barely tapped Raiden's knuckles with a down-tilt.

The cyborg lost balance, and then decided to leap off of the Arwing onto Robin's ship, which was headed in the opposite direction, and planted his blade in its fuselage to anchor himself.

"Watch it!" Goku yelled, dodging the incoming Arwing before returning to his regularly scheduled destruction. "It'll be a cold day in hell before anyone takes my cock!"

He slashed one of the UNFS in half with a Destructo Disc, while Superman finished it off by flying through it while punching.

"Unfortunately, this flight is fully booked," said Robin to Raiden as the latter whipped out the giant Pincer Blades, once used by Sundowner and now perfected. Raiden channeled his energy into the super-powered weapon, readying a sure-to-be-lethal attack.

Robin did the only thing he could do in that situation. He fired a Smart Bomb forward and detonated it almost immediately. The blast engulfed the Arwing.

When the fiery pixels cleared, Raiden was still standing, his blade buried in Robin's ship.

"You don't give up, do you?!" Robin asked, readying his Thoron.

"What kind of warrior would I be if I did?" scoffed Raiden.

"An alive one, maybe!" Robyn yelled over the comm.

Though he couldn't hear her taunt, Raiden spied the incoming Arwing in his peripheral vision. He leapt over the first of Robyn's Arcfire blasts, but the second flurry nailed him in the leg in the midst of a Ninja Jump.

"Curses." The cyborg assassin fell down, down, down.

He accelerated quickly towards the energy shield, passing Wario and Meta-Knight's falling Arwing, and equipped his electric blade on his heel, so as to cut through the forcefield.

_This could get bumpy..._ he thought.

Meta-Knight banged on the cockpit glass again. "Wario! His knife can cut that field! We need to catch up with him!"

"I GOT GUD! I mean, GADD!" Wario exclaimed, and then had a hard time interpreting the results on Falco's dashboard computer. "We got that fucker on the radar! He's... on the _Millennium Falcon_?!"

Meta-Knight tore open the Arwing's service hatch (being the owner of the Halberd, he obvs. knew a thing or two about engineering) and manually hit the boosters with the tip of his sword.

The boost jetted the Arwing forward as fast as it would go.

"NOT SO FAST!" cried Wario as the ship accelerated at Ludicrous Speed. "I'm- BLAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!"

And suddenly the entire inside of the cockpit was splattered in multicolored puke. Some of it got in Meta Knight's eyes. The author somewhat resisted the urge to make a Jackson Pollack joke.

"You all right?" Meta-Knight yelled.

"Just a-looking for the wipers- oops! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Meta-Knight was slapped upside the head by Wario's rotund frame, then felt the rush of wind on his face.

Wario had fired himself out of the cockpit prematurely.

After Meta-Knight clambered into the pilot's seat, he and what was left of the Arwing cleared the small, temporary crack in the force field that Raiden carved out.

By contrast, Wario smacked head-first into the electric shield and bounced off of it, stunned by the powerful shock but still somewhat functional. He quickly pulled out his Chopper and rode it atop the pulsing electric shield. His gas tank, sparked by bolts of surging lightning, was primed to turn into an explosive inferno. It was just a matter of time.

Wario hit the Nitros and boosted headlong towards the shields' edge, about a few hundred feet out.

_If I can't kill Gadd, maybe I can at least live through the day! _hoped Wario.

Robyn was watching this from her Arwing as she dodged blasts from several Custom Robos that were flying towards her, breaking off from the invading formations of _Space Invaders_ ships, _Virtual On!_ Virtuaroids, _WarTech_ (Senko no Ronde) transforming mechas, and the gossiping witches from _Deathsmiles_.

"Come on, why don't you guys join us?!" she pleaded, but the Custom Robos were soulless, remotely-controlled robotic entities who were being piloted not by their original owners, but by Fiona's centralized AI system.

"I don't have time for this!" she grumbled as she dove down to meet up with Wario, whose bike was about to explode.

The puke-covered Wario finally leapt from his chopper a mere instant before it exploded. He double-jumped, then emitted a gigantic fart to launch himself upwards far enough to land on Robyn's Arwing.

"WAAAAAHHH!" Wario exclaimed as Robyn boosted back to meet up with Robin, the outside of her cockpit glass now covered in puke. "I've been saved by a woman!"

"Oh, please!" Robyn rolled her eyes, and then, hit by dizzying G-forces, she regretted ever doing it. "Don't these things have windshield wipers?!"

"NO! DON'T HIT THE RED BUTTON!" screamed Wario.

* * *

**X. Force Your Way**

**The Millennium Falcon  
3200 ft. Above Sea Level  
****11:14 PM**

While poring over the three-dimensional holographic map of the ongoing conflict being projected above the Alien Chessboard, Supreme Overlord Fiona was growing very impatient.

"They're coming! How long till The Mindfucker's ready? Can't we just shoot them already?"

The hologram of Professor Elvin Gadd was incredulous. His feed was being broadcast from aboard The Mindfucker, which a readout showed was still uploading the custom firmware and was only 74% ready. "Ya can't rush perfection, sweet cheeks! Do ya want this to work or not?!"

"Ugh," Fiona scoffed. "Daisy, get out there and make your Pansexual Parent proud!"

"Can I get an evil kiss, first?" Evil Daisy teased, her voice as raspy and deep as that of Tom Waits.

But rather than lock lips with the princess, Fiona whacked her ass cheeks with a painful switch. "We can exchange saliva later! Kill for me, my pretty!"

The Supreme Overlord manually activated xir Comet Cannon, firing a particularly nasty one at Superman and Goku.

Evil Daisy pouted. "Is that all I am to you? A pretty killing machine?"

"No! You're so much more than that, baby," Fiona said in a slightly more manlike voice. "You're also a cheap lay. And a political hostage."

Evil Daisy sniffled as she strapped on her jetpack. "If I should return... think better of me, Supreme Overlady Fiona."

Fiona continued obsessing over the map. "That shall depend on the manner of your return."

Xe then undressed and slipped on xyr Entry Plug Suit.

"Eggman, fire the fuck outta that Comet Cannon!"

* * *

**The Comet Cannon**

The two over-powered dudes then had to contend with Fiona's Comet Cannon, the giant structure the size of _The Wonderful 101's _Shirogane Comet superweapon, defended by a perimeter of antimatter mines. It fired a city-sized meteor directly at the duo, who looked at one another, nodded, and then knew what had to be done. They started bickering over who would get to destroy the meteor.

"You get to do this kinda crap all the time," said Son Goku. "Let me do it."

"No plox. You already had your shining moment, defending the _Dragon Quest _server. Let me do something for a change."

Goku rolled his eyes. "Last time you did somethin', pal, Metropolis got fuckin' destroyed!"

Supes was unfazed. "Yeah, but it sure looked cool, didn't it? You know how many CGI artists worked on _Man of Steel? _What I do creates jobs for people other than hair gel manufacturers!"

"Oh, lay off it! You don't create jobs! Hollywood is fuckin' subsidized!"

* * *

**COOLDUDESSS Forces  
SeeD Academy Balamb Garden Ship  
Floating 2000 feet above sea level**

"Who the hell put up that shield?! What's the situation?!" the voice of Mickey Mouse, the self-appointed money man behind the COOLDUDESSSS, echoed around the tiny bridge of their most massive ship, the SeeD Academy,_ Balamb Garden_, which they had just hijacked from the undefended _Final Fantasy VIII _CAST Server.

"Sir!" yelled Joanna Dark, the helmsman. "It's Overlord Fiona's forces! Xe's coming at us from those portals in the upper atmosphere! We're being attacked from above _and _below!"

"Gee, that's a bummer! Would you say we're between a rock and a hard place?" he asked, closing the distance between himself and the _Perfect Dark _heroine.

"We can't fight on both fronts, sir!"

"Would you say that we're in more of a Viennese Oyster position, or the Sandwich? You ever tried the Spider?" Mickey continued as he walked right up to Joanna and started running his gloved hands up and down her buttocks and inner thigh.

She wanted to speak out against her boss, who was a bona fide International icon with a long history in gaming, a gang of digital thugs and lawyers at his beck and call, and a corporate war chest filled to the brim with money, some of which went to Disney Interactive.

He had ways of hurting people who went against his will, so Joanna, a nearly defunct character from a formerly great but now floundering studio, went along with his abuse.

Plus, she couldn't deny she always liked men with big hands, ears, feet, and noses. You might even say Joanna had an Exaggerated Extremities Fetish. Plus, her parents at Rare always told her to 'marry up'.

"Minnie and I are particularly fond of The Passion Propeller. That's the one where a lovely lady like yourself sits on my stick and spins. Oh, how I'd like to see you pullin' 360s on me-"

"Look, sir," Joanna began. "It doesn't matter what position you call it. We've set ourselves up for the granddaddy of all gang-bangs, and the bukkake finish will be our blood splattered so far and wide, a truckload of hungry redneck vampires couldn't clean it up," she said with a straight face, ignoring the perverted Mouse's advances.

Upon the mention of granddaddies and bukkake, Mickey's dick retreated. He nonetheless continued touching her private parts.

"Then I suggest we let these Nintendorks settle their civil war on their own terms first!" said the King. "Once their buttholes have been thoroughly abused, that will be the best time to pick up the pieces. Call for a temporary ceasefire!"

_This molesting cis freak isn't listening to a word I'm saying. _Joanna groaned on the inside.

She clamped her pussy lips shut against the psychopathic rodent, pinching his finger in her cameltoe.

"YEEEOOWWWCHHH!" Mickey yelled. "Give the order!"

Joanna was about to patch the message through, but this agonizing scene was cut short as the entire _Garden_ (which, mind you, was the size of a combined military compound and college campus) suddenly shook against a powerful force that temporarily knocked out the power, rebooting all the college's computers, an act that would take several minutes, since they were all running bootleg, unpatched release versions of _Windows 98_.

"What in the name of the Magic Kingdom and the Seven Dwarf Cocks was that?!" Mickey demanded, drawing his Keyblade.

"I think you mean eight dwarf cocks," said Joanna. "Grumpy has two. At least, that's what Elsa told me."

The video screens showed that several harpoon lances, fired from the Smashgrounds' own defense systems, had latched onto the rims of the_ Garden_, trailing thick chains behind them. A massive army of CENTINEL forces, GEATHJERK units, Wars troops, and Pikmin were bum-rushing the Garden atop the chains. Sora, Rayman, and Vyse arrived on the scene as well.

"ONWARD!" Wonder-Red yelled to his team members. "Seize the citadel!"

"ROGER!" The 100 Wonderful Ones (minus Wonder-Blue, who had gone missing) responded in unison.

"Oh, what fun!" Vorkken told Blunder-Red, offering him a green herb from _Resident Evil_. "Promise you won't take down the big boss without me!"

"That's a promise I may not be able to keep!" Wonder-Red replied as his army formed into a giant fist and smashed some approaching Heartless beasts and thugs into pixel jelly.

From aboard his Hocotate Freighter S.S. Dolphin, Captain Olimar whistled orders at the rushing Pikmin over a bullhorn. He was struggling to manage the tens of thousands of plant-like critters.

"Man alive. Wish I had some help here!" Olimar mused aloud. Just then, another ship went zooming by. Olimar's HUD named it the "S.S. Drake".

A message appeared on Olimar's screen from a diminutive pilot. "Sir! Sorry I'm late!"

"ALPH! You guys missed a helluva party, man! Literally!" Olimar barked. "Get your ass down on the surface and LEEEEAD, boy! LEAD!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" the engineer replied with a salute. He landed his ship and emerged from it along with Brittany and Charlie, the other Pikmin squad leaders (who were off-camera).

"I hope there's still some of that buffet left..." Brittany lamented as she led a coalition of Rock Pikmin towards Balamb Garden's main quad, crushing any Heartless that dared to stand in her way.

"Speak for yourself! I'm here for the fortune and glory!" waxed Space Captain Charlie, with grinning teeth. His badge caught the sun, sparkling with a SHHWWWIIIIING sound.

"Why the hizell were ya guys missing all this time, anyway?" Olimar asked.

Alph's reply was casual. "Some T.O. was being a total asshat in the _Magic: The Gathering_ finals. Guy got killed. It was my fault, kinda."

"What? How?!" Olimar demanded to know.

"Oh, I tied him and his wife up and forced her to watch as I shanked his neck and fucked the hole until he bled to death," Alph replied, totally deadpan, as his Blue Pikmin helped the CENTINELS take down a _Chrono Trigger _Golem.

Olimar nearly shat himself in terror. "Um... forget I asked."

"Ah! The Sun!" Solaire praised, arms held high in reverence to the great big ball of digital gas burning millions of pixels away.

After decapitating a Heartless with his dual blades, Vyse took one look at the guy and scratched his head. "Hey, uhhhh... you all right, man?"

"Never better!" Solaire said as he whipped out his hellacious cock and inhaled the fresh air while whipping his man-cream to Sol's magnificence.

"GET BACK TO WORK, lazy-ass!" screamed Chaos Witch Queelag, a smokin' hot babe from the waist up and a giant, deadly, flame-spewing giant spider from the waist down.

Armogohma, the giant spider boss from _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, _snuck on up behind the Chaos Queen and leered at her with its giant eye. "Hey, baby. Want to make some beautiful spawn together and then consume me?"

"Fuck off," Queelag told him as she proceeded to toast a whole row of Alph's Blue Pikmin with a swipe of her Firesword.

Alph whistled for his Piks to retreat as Charlie came in to bust her ass up with his Fire Pikmin.

The Chaos Queen's flaming attacks did little against the swarm of hundreds. Her Area of Effect attack blasted away the first batch of Pikmin, but the following waves brought her down pretty quickly.

While she slashed, leapt away, and spewed hot lava, the creatures would not stop flooding the flailing Queelag. They ripped out her legs, limbs, and mammaries without remorse and hauled them to the ships to use as resources.

Armogohma was eating Brittany's Pikmin, five at once.

"Let me get a clean shot!" Sora yelled, but Dark Rayman's fist beat him to the punch.

Dark Rayman began punching and kicking Armogohma's eyeball, causing severe retinal damage.

"Hey! Let me have my moment!"

Armogohma shat out some tiny spiders, but Sora's Keyblade and Alph's Pikmin brought them down within seconds.

Finally, Dark Rayman chomped into the eyeball and devoured its inner fluids, killing the boss' core and ending it.

"There always gotta be a giant spider boss," Alph observed without much affect. "Now we're fighting more than one. How original."

Tiring of arachnids, Alph let Olimar and Brittany battle the aptly named Giant Spider from _Child of Light _and began leading his army over to help Charlie fight Goofy and Donald about a hundred feet away.

But before Donald could blab something in barely understandable English, a figure from above suddenly split him right down the middle, perfectly between his eyes.

The chrome-covered cyborg ninja then yanked out Donald's corkscrew penis, scrotum, and bladder.

"Duck soup, anyone?" Raiden taunted as he crushed the entire sex organ in his metallic palm.

"GAWRSH!" Goofy cried as Raiden's assault continued. The cyborg's katana bounced off of Goofy's shield, so he sliced off the toon's long snout before stabbing him through the heart, prompting a huge gushing of blood.

"Ow-oh-oooh-oooh AWEEEEEE!" cried Goofy as his entire circulatory system was ripped from his chest.

With his Pikmin fleeing in terror, Charlie backed up from the murderous Jack, but fell and slipped on his ass.

"Who are you?!" Charlie gasped. "You're not a Nintendo character!"

"You're right. I'm your worst nightmare."

Raiden sliced the Space Captain's legs off before crushing his penis.

"I swear, by this day, to avenge the crestfallen women of history, I shall proceed to massacre everyone with a working penis, regardless of affiliation!" Raiden declared.

He jumped on the _Wars_ forces one by one. The fodder didn't interest him; he was gunning for the head honcho. Soon even Vorkken had his Frank and Beans yanked out of his suit.

The Wonderful Ones stood against Raiden, forming a barrier between him and the entrance to the main hall, where the other Smashers and Domesticators were reclaiming territory.

"This stops now!" Wonder-Red exclaimed. "Wonderful Ones, ASSEMBLE!"

"Wait!" Raiden told him. "Something's missing..."

"Oh, right!" said Wonder-Red with a snap of his fingers. "I contractually can't fight a major character without having a monologue first! *Ahem* Why, if it isn't Jack the Ripper himself, the child soldier torn from his homeland of Liberia and forced to kill to survive, only to find-"

Both were interrupted as the front half of the _Halberd_ suddenly slammed head-on into the _Garden_, while the ship's back half, carrying King Dedede, dropped like a rock.

"What was that?!" Wonder-Red exclaimed, and then saw that the reason the ship had crashed into the flying college was the destructive force caused by Iron Man's Hulkbuster suit.

"Zut alors! Zat ninja's gone!" Wonder-Green groaned. "Red, you Americain blabbermouth! You deed eet again!"

Red's shame was stoic and silent. "He's surely headed for the control room! Let's go!"

As the Wonderful Ones ran back into the main building, about twenty of them, as well as Olimar and Vyse, snuck out from the 2F balcony to make bets on the Mega Man VS Iron Man fight.

"I'm all in for Iron Man!" Olimar told Tails over the phone.

"You're gonna bet against your own friend?" Vyse said, disapprovingly. "Weak."

"Hey, as the Don might say, it's not personal. It's just business."

* * *

**XI. Set Fire to the Rain**

**Fiona's Armada  
3000-4000 ft. Above Sea Level  
11:16 PM**

The dual Arwings flew up and around the descending UNFS ships, aiming for the warships now guarding the exit portal. These must have been where High Command was stationed.

"Where's the Millennium Falcon?" Wario demanded.

"Easy, man," said Robin. "Fiona can wait. We need to take down that shield first. I'll go after the source of the control signal," said Robin. "Could that be her Flagship? Big cigar-shaped one?"

"No, that's Admiral Ackbar's ship, I'm pretty sure," Robyn corrected him. "Plus, knowing Fiona, I don't think she would be caught dead on that penis thingy."

"Uh, guys... I think it's pretty obvious which one it is," Wario said, rather deadpan. He pointed at the Delphinus, the giant metal airship from _Skies of Arcadia. _It was small compared to the others, but it was also outfitted with satellite dishes and flying lower than the other ships. It also bore Fiona's coat of arms, which was Link making out with Marth.

"Right," said Robyn. "We can't penetrate that hide. We're better off crash-landing onto it and taking them out on foot."

"After you, darling," Robin said as he covered his clone and lover.

They boosted towards it at top speed, burning out the G-diffusers. Evil Daisy could be seen standing on the deck, pulling her dress up. Dark tentacles emerged from her hairy Vajayjay to smack the approaching Arwings.

"I live! I die! I live again!"Robin wiped a nosebleed off with his sleeve.

Robyn swooped her Arwing low over the deck.

"WAAAA!" Wario screamed, barely hanging onto the Arwing's cockpit.

"Wait for it... JUMP" she yelled to Wario before ejecting herself from the seat. Wario summoned his chopper and rode onto the deck, dodging the evil pussy tentacles left and right.

"COME TO MAMA!" Daisy said in a demonic tone. Her tentacles stabbed at Wario, but he deflected them by using his motorcycle as a shield. That didn't last long, as one of the tentacles picked up the bike.

Wario dropped on the floor and dashed forward to stop Daisy. He was half a foot away from tackling her when the explosion from Robyn's Arwing hitting the deck threw them both off-balance.

Robyn landed another Arcfire while descending to smack Evil Daisy in the face.

"Interrupting incestuous whore! Quit enforcing your dumb agenda on me!" Evil Daisy growled as her tentacles grabbed Robyn's legs.

The Tactician fell onto her back. "AIIEEE!"

She stabbed her Levin Sword into the deck and kicked out at the tentacles, but they were already ripping off her clothes. "ROBIN! Do something!" she yelled.

"But... tentacle porn..." Robin said over the comm., though his lover could not hear him. "Just a few more seconds..."

She looked to Wario, but he'd been swept off his feet by one of the tentacles and was being uncomfortably molested as well.

"Fucking men!" Robyn shuddered as Daisy's dark appendages tore off the outermost layers of her dress. "I didn't want to have to use this!"

She whipped out the Harry Potter wand she'd acquired from Daigon Alley in the EA Harry Potter game server when they went to visit a few years back. It was one of the last wands Ollivander had for sale, and it wasn't a perfect match for her, but it would have to do for now.

"Sectumsempra!" she said, pointing it at Daisy.

"EEEEEE!" Daisy cried as her dress was also torn to shreds.

Still, Daisy's tentacles managed to get under Robyn's underwear. Her lace panties snapped off, as did her clip-on bra.

"What are you doing?!" Robyn squirmed as her wand-hand was restrained. "Robiiiiin!"

"Oh, fine," said Robin, dive-bombing Daisy with a Smart bomb.

However, Daisy opened her cooch even wider and an Evil Vaccuum sucked in the explosive, which exploded within her, leaving naught but a steady stream of ash pouring from her insides.

"Aaaaand there goes my boner," Robin said, so distracted that he actually slammed his Arwing into the ship's bridge.

Robyn groaned. "Perverts. Perverts, errywhere."

Daisy continued to molest her with her appendages, using their suction cups to moisturize her breasts, pussy, and anus. "You're so perfect... fast on the uptake, fiery, fuckable... you'll make a worthy addition to our Feminyn Forces."

"Daisy! Fiona's lying to you!" Robyn argued, gasping as the tentacles hit all her erogenous zones. The tentacles rubbed her clockwise, then counter-clockwise. "All she wants is to be the only man left, so he can fuck everyone over!"

"If you will not join us willingly, we'll just have to fuck you until you've got no other choice!"

"Uh, you can't control my mind," said Robyn. "Sexually, I only get stimulated by my clone, and the younger Johnny Depp. Plus my logical faculties have been honed and perfected by multiple _Lunatic+_ playthroughs."

"Pardon my skepticism, darling, but being good at strategy games does _not _a logician make..." Robin said, emerging from behind his Arwing's wreckage with an Arcthunder spell that he unleashed upon Evil Daisy, whose tentacles retreated.

"This isn't over!" Evil Daisy growled as she grabbed both Tacticians with her tentacles and slammed them against one the ground and one another. She was so excited, her innards began excreting smelly menstrual fluids all over her captives.

"Lovely," Robin commented as a big gob of the stuff got stuck in his eye.

"Did you think this was gonna be a cock fight?" Daisy taunted Robin.

"Oh, but it _is_. At least for me," he replied. "SCHHHWWWWIIIIING!"

"UGGGHHH!" Daisy wailed. "Is that your boner?! It's wiggling! Grooooossssss! I got patriarchy on me!"

She dropped Robin like a hot potato.

"Uh... _what _about this is turning you on, exactly?" Robyn looked confused, probably because Evil Daisy continued slamming her skull into the floor.

"Don't judge me!" Robin said, slashing the tentacles away. "Wario! A little help, man!"

But Wario was still struggling, a fact that soon changed as Slippy, who inexplicably survived this far with one wing, crash-landed his Arwing straight into Evil Daisy. Even a perfectly-timed Spore Counter couldn't save her from the onslaught of a direct Arwing attack, and Daisy found her gut pierced by the spiky aircraft's nose.

"Guuuurrrrglllleeee..." Evil Daisy emitted, spewing blood from her mouth.

Amazed that he actually did something right, Slippy was in total disbelief. He popped open the cockpit and stared upon the violence he had wrought.

"Am I only dreaming...?" Slippy asked. "Or is this burning an eternal flame?"

This ridiculous_ Bangles _lyric went unanswered, however, as Dr. Wily, who was directly behind Slippy and couldn't stop in time, slammed right into the froglike engineer, decapitated him, and knocked Evil Daisy clear of the Arwing.

Meanwhile, Wario's head was spinning as he broke free of the tentacles with a mighty fart, which sent him high enough in the air to activate a loose Smash Ball, the very same one that Rosalina missed earlier and let fly high above the battlefield.

"Put your fucking blinkers on next time!" Wily screamed at the dead Slippy, and turned to where Evil Daisy was. The Neo-Feminist Warrior was however missing.

"WAAAA!" Wario cried as his head connected with the Smash Ball.

"Uh oh," said Evil Daisy, who quit bashing the _Fire Emblem _avatars together like ragdolls and actually ran from _Wario-Man_.

Wario-Man got about two good hits in before Evil Daisy no longer wanted any part in this fight.

Her tentacles turned into wings and she fled the ship, hanging upside down, leaving little but fodder left for them.

"She's a-getting away!" Wario yelled, and Meta-Knight chased her down in his Arwing.

"Let Meta-Knight handle it! We gotta kill those shields!" Robyn insisted, still buck naked, but free as a bird. The two lovers ran below deck, but Robin pushed his lover up against the wall.

"R-r-really?" Robyn blushed as he squeezed her buttocks. "B-b-but we've gotta find the switch..."

"Yes, really. This is the longest we've been apart in months. After that display with the tentacles..."

"Oh, honey!" moaned Robyn as her boytoy's cock slid right into her fuckhole. "They got me so wet! Yes! Finish me off!"

Wario mumbled something that sounded like 'horndogs' as he and Dr. Wily dashed past the couple to find the Delphinus' control room and shut the shields down.

* * *

**XII. If Only I Had A Heart**

**Outside Balamb Garden  
****11:17 PM**

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Vyse yelled as he saw his own mothership having been absconded. "Do you know how long it took us to fully outfit that fucking airship?! And this bitch has it painted PINK?! FUCKIN' PIIIIIINK?! It totally clashes with the blue and gunmetal gray accents!"

"Yeah. That's rough, buddy," Olimar consoled him, his attention more focused on Mega Man as he nailed Tony with a Crash Bomber, then a Hyper Bomb.

The Hulkbuster armor was so far doing little more than making the Starkmeister a bigger target. When the Crash Bomber exploded, Tony got stunned, giving Mega Man enough time to nail him with a far-launching SHORYUUUUUUUKEN, sending him free of the armor and ejecting a very audible fart from his anus.

Many of the spectators pinched their noses, and Mega Man was once again glad to not have a nose.

"Gross!" yelled Wonder-Pink.

"You think it's easy being cheesy?" Iron Man quipped.

"Tails, I'm changing my bet!" Olimar yelled over the comm., hailing Sonic's sidekick, who was running the bookies again. "Put me all in for Mega Man!"

"What gives, brah?!" Tails grumbled.

"He's mah boy!" Olimar said. "I can't bet against our very own Blue Bomber!"

However, the very next thing that happened was rather inexplicable.

Tony and Mega Man started arguing over whose Infinite Power Core was more powerful. So they attempted to rev up their power levels, just out of curiosity.

However, halfway through this "fight", a portal temporarily appeared below Iron Man and Tony disappeared in the blink of an eye before it closed up like a shop caught in the middle of a riot.

"What gives?" Olimar protested, peering through his futuristic binoculars. "What's going on?!"

"I think Fiona summoned him," lamented Tails on the other line. He was calm at first, but in the next two seconds a desk could be heard being flipped over.

"FUUUUUUUCK!" Tails screamed.

**Balamb Garden Main Atrium**

"Raiden's coming! Hide!" Sora called from within the main atrium as he spotted Raiden running through the entry corridor towards their party.

Raiden dashed through the crowd killing every Heartless, Wars unit, and Pikmin in sight, and would have taken the elevator up to the bridge, only it was out of service.

He dashed up the stairs instead.

Sora, Dark Rayman, Brittany, and Alph all sighed in relief. They'd lost most of their army, but had escaped damage, castration, and death.

**The Halberd**

Meanwhile, several hundred feet below the Garden, trapped within the _Halberd's _bridge, King Dedede finished rummaging through Meta-Knight's storage closet for the final piece of the Dragoon that he needed.

"It's mah lucky day!" Dedede exclaimed.

In a flash of light, King Dedede burst out of the bridge on his new ride, and swooped around the convoluted aerial battlefields in search of a target. _Balamb Garden_ was on a crash course for the Helicarrier.

He finally settled on Doctor Doom, who'd just stunned Bowser with a powerful kick.

_What the hell?_ Doom observed upon spotting a small flashing star in the far distance.

As Dedede cheered, waving his cap around like the bomb-riding Buck Turgidson in _Doctor Strangelove_, the Dragoon slammed right into Dr. Doom, splicing his body into several pieces.

But King Dedede was on his toes right off the bat, as not too far above him, Bayonetta's Wicked Weaves slammed Dark Phoenix into the Helicarrier, where she slid across the deck until Bowser stopped her with his foot.

The Koopa King was surrounded by Morton, Larry, and Roy, who were blasting visual kei band Versailles' rockin' tune "Philia" from a boom box.

"Yoshi, hurry up!" Bowser yelled, and then grabbed Dark Phoenix and performed his Flying Slam.

Yoshi aimed his fully-charged Super Scope, and released its trigger true, timing it so that the beam hit just as Bowser bounced Dark Phoenix off the ground.

Only, Arthur's shield deflected the Super Scope beam into _Silent Hill_'s Pyramid Head, knocking him off the Helicarrier.

"Ha! Away, knave!" Arthur yelled as he leapt at Yoshi, who nailed him with some down-air spinning kicks.

"I didn't know ya liked Japanese prog," said King Dedede, pushing Arthur towards Fox, who footstooled him into the floor

"Prog is life. What was the hold-up? All that THC getting' to your brain?" Bowser chastised Dedede, whom he still hadn't forgiven for ditching his Philip K. Dick Book Club way back in 2001 to join the 'Kevin Smith Film Appreciation Society', which Bowser later discovered didn't exist, and that Dedes just made up some elaborate fuckin' plot rather than tell him straight to his face that he preferred smoking weed with Kirby and the Ice Climbers.

"Pay attention, brah!" Dedede pointed out as Dark Phoenix slipped between their fingers.

Dark Phoenix barely survived Bowser's assault. She fled from the scene to recover health, but seeing as how Bayonetta's Arwing was coming in for another swoop, she levitated two of the fighter jets and tossed them at the Umbran Witch.

"You're too slow!" Sonic jeered as he dashed past Bowser, Dedede, and Yoshi, performed a Spring Jump and chased down the jets. Sonic landed on one and hopped into the pilot's seat.

Fox McCloud caught Arthur in a jab combo, and chased him down with some aerials, taking him off the scene.

By the time Bowser and Yoshi knew what was what, Dark Phoenix had already flown off.

"Yoshi Yoshi Yoshi!" The Dino exclaimed, pouring some cocaine on his glove and snorting it. (She shore look good and I got money, but I don't wanna waste her time.)

Bowser huffed, low on breath. "Bah, I'm wasted on these long battles. We Koopas are natural powerhouses... good for quick fights..."

"That's a bastardization of one of my lines!" Gimli from _The Lord of the Rings _bellowed as he buried his axe in Bowser's toe.

"YEEEEOOOOWWWCHHHH!" Bowser yelled as he spurted flames everywhere.

King Dedede stepped close so Bowser could spark his spliff.

Meanwhile, Sonic destroyed the other fighter jet, banked right to avoid Dark Phoenix's devastating fiery dash, and helped hunt down some of Fiona's TIE fighters.

"She's retreating!" said Sonic as Dark Phoenix dashed far away from the battle.

"No, she's heading for that giant airship! Something's up!" explained Captain Falcon as he faced Nova one-on-one while Bowser was back to slashing Akuma and punishing his missed attacks.

* * *

**Balamb Garden ****Control Bridge****  
11:20 PM**

Donald and Goofy had just gotten killed.

Needless to say, the scene was not pleasant for their boss Mickey to watch. He jammed the elevator, but knew that was only buying precious seconds.

"PEASANTS!" Mickey yelled, thrashing the stuff on the bridge. "Peasants, all of them! Where are all the _Final Fantasy S_ummons?!"

Joanna shrugged. "At the party, sir. Eating a late dinner."

Mickey cursed everything that ever lived. "Gee whiz! Does this fucking college have an escape pod or something?"

"Better," said Joanna, hitting a button that opened up another portal in the sky. "We've got a Ragnarok airship arriving with reinforcements, including the cast of _Mortal Kombat _and more reps from _Soul Calibur _and _Tekken._"

A large, red, dragon-lookin' airship traversed the portal.

"Oh, boy!" Mickey exclaimed in joy before grabbing Joanna's titties. "I sure am excited!"

"Sir, please!" Joanna exclaimed, squirming out of his hands. "I have a boyfriend!" she lied.

"Then he can have my sloppy seconds!" yelled Mickey as he bent her over the controls and pulled out his penis.

"STOP!" she screamed, but when she tried to kick him in the balls, he simply grew his limbs like Mr. Fantastic and moved his body out of the way.

"Nuh-uh-uh!" Mickey hollered as he tore the seat off of her sneaking suit.

The perverted mouse licked behind her ear and rubbed his cock up against her panties. "Gee, you're wet! Ain't that just swell!"

Just then, Mewtwo showed up in front of the bridge and held a hand in the air.

"What? You wanna watch?!" Mickey exclaimed. "That'll be 5000 Munny!"

The glass shattered and the Psychic-Type Pokemon entered with fury in his eyes.

"Everything about you maketh me sick!" Mewtwo psychically broadcast through the room. He fired a souped-up Shadow Ball at Mickey, but he ducked and it sailed between his ears and took out the room's power grid, which short-circuited _Balamb Garden_.

"If you don't like it, you can get the heeeeeell outta my airspace, you oversized cat!" Mickey hollered, and fired a bolt of Lightning from his Keyblade. "Just you wait for the next game market crash! Pretty soon I'm gonna own you, too!"

However, Mewtwo deflected the attack and lifted Mickey in the air with a choke-hold.

"It would be my pleasure to snap your neck," said Mewtwo. "Now why don't you be a good little mouse and call off this pathetic attack!"

"He doesn't have to call off anything!" said the voice of a third-party, a bald man who entered the room on a floating throne.

"Professor Xavier," Joanna said. "So you got my text."

"That I did."

Mewtwo's choke-hold broke as Professor X created a psychic barrier around Mickey and Joanna.

"Hey, wait," said Mewtwo. "You're not a playable character in a videogame."

"You've obviously never played '_The Uncanny X-Men'_, the 1992 '_X-Men'_, or '_X-Men: Legends'_," said Xavier, who then began to telekinetically summon forth his secret weapon.

_Jean, it's time to take care of business_, he thought aloud. _Quit toying with that Witch._

_Who's Jean? _Mewtwo wondered, and then immediately attempted to pry into the Professor's mind to determine this person's potential strengths and weaknesses.

_You won't get past my mental barriers, _Professor X broadcast to Mewtwo, but as his power was strained just holding up Mickey's psychic forcefield, the Pokemon was able to catch the faintest of glimpses.

He didn't see much, though, since the woman in question swiftly flew into Mewtwo's back at ridiculous speed.

Mewtwo sensed the attack and blocked the red-haired, flame-winged woman surrounded by an aura of energy with a psychic barrier of his own, prompting a blinding flash.

"You called, Charles?" Dark Phoenix addressed Professor X.

"D-D-Dark Phoenix?" Joanna exclaimed, shielding her eyes from her radiance.

"If Pokemon's taught me one thing, it's that there's one thing phoenixes know how to do," said Mewtwo. "BURN!"

Mewtwo used Hyper Beam!

Dark Phoenix dodged the attack!

She dashed towards Mewtwo in a flaming blitz!

But the attack missed!

Mewtwo had teleported onto the deck and taken Mickey Mouse as a hostage. "Move, and the rodent gets it!"

Mickey's voice rose two octaves. "Charles, fucking do something!"

"Hmmm?" Professor X had lost interest in the battle and was playing "The Sims 4", where he had recreated, among other things, the entire cast and various locations seen in the TV show "F.R.I.E.N.D.S.", altering their relationships and careers to match those of the ten-season show in real time while he was in between episodes of watching it, just because he could. Joanna Dark was nowhere to be found.

"Useless!" Mickey exclaimed as he headbutted Mewtwo with his gigantic skull, freeing himself. "JEAN!"

Dark Phoenix flew towards the Pokemon at mach speed. But Mewtwo had read her mind, hypnotized her (down-B), and sent her flying back out of the bridge with his forward-smash.

He attempted to give chase, but her flaming aura only intensified as she drew from the full power she'd acquired from the Phoenix Force and rammed right into him, turning the tide once more.

The overpowered psychics left the vicinity of the _Garden_ and continued to do battle in the midst of the crowded airspace.

When the dust had cleared, Mickey looked around, but Professor X was now enjoying a blowjob from Mystique, and Joanna was still missing.

"Joanna? Where are you, honey? We've only just begun!"

At that moment, the doors burst open, and who should enter but Raiden (_Metal Gear)_. Joanna had undone the lock for him.

"What's the meaning of this?!" Mickey demanded.

Raiden first pointed his katana at Professor X. "Hey, aren't you paralyzed from the waist down?! Why do you have a blue mutant on your - oh."

The reason Raiden said 'oh' is that he saw that Mystique's mouth wasn't actually on Prof. X's personal bratwurst, which he could now see was firmly in his trousers.

"You're correct, Raiden," said Xavier. "Thank you for reminding me I'm a fucking cripple, you insensitive piece of shit."

He then slapped Mystique's blue ass and squeezed it. He had his other hand stroking her red hair while she steadied her miming head movements over his Johnson.

"Truth is," said Xavier. "I do this just for kicks."

He then had Mystique straddle him before licking his earlobes.

"Whatever floats your boat," said Raiden, who turned and then noticed that Mickey Mouse had gotten away by riding a moving platform he summoned on his smartphone to take him the Ragnarok, waving 'bye'.

Raiden stared out the window, calculated his trajectory, and leapt onto a TIE fighter speeding by. He boarded it and discreetly chased Mickey to the _Ragnarok, _with the intention of boarding it.

"That dirty rotten bastard of a mouse left us here to die," said Professor X. "Ready the Quinjet!"

"We don't have it," said Mystique. "Cyclops and Cable took it on a joyride, remember?"

"Horse porn!" Professor X cursed, and tossed his whisky glass on the floor. "I guess we're dead, then."

Just then, the door burst open and a flood of Pikmin, joined by Rayman, Sora, Alph, and Brittany, entered, screaming war cries and bloody murder.

"MICKEY!" Sora yelled upon seeing the gigantic painting of Mickey Mouse's head on Arnold Schwarzenegger's body hanging above the controls. "I should have known you were behind this!"

Just then, Sora's phone rang. It was Mickey. He answered the video call.-

"Join meeeeee," said Mickey in his best Emperor Palpatine impression.

"Uhhh, these guys have given me a pretty good deal," Sora replied. "I kinda have a job now. So maybe I shouldn't."

"Maybe you're a fucking tool!" said Mickey. "See if we ever put you in a game again."

"No! You wouldn't do that!" Sora protested as the mouse hung up and turned his back on him as he entered the deck.

The only sound in the room was that of Dark Rayman consuming Donald's and Goofy's brains, which he had brought with him for a snack.

"You did the right thing, kid," said Olimar over the radio. "Hurry up! You gotta see this Iron Man fight. I'm putting it all on Little Boy Blue. That includes your anal cavity!"

"I'm not doing that stuff anymore!" Sora yelled.

Just then, Brittany pointed at the control panel while sipping her gin and juice. "Should, uh, we be concerned over these numbers counting down?"

Alph knew what it was just by the sound of the ominous ticking. "It's a self-destruct! Guys, we need to get the hell off campus!"

Meanwhile, after seeing Globox on the video feed as part of the Ragnarok's _Mortal Kombat _group, Dark Rayman turned back into normal Rayman.

He took one more bite out of Donald's brain before realizing something was up.

"Huh... tastes funny... is that... WHYYYY?! WHY ME, GOD?!"

Professor X burst out into boisterous mockery while spraying Mystique's face with some whipped cream, simulating an orgasm. "WAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man. Magneto, you gotta see this sack of shit."

"Kinda busy," replied Magneto from one of the many monitors, as he was fending off Ganondorf and Captain Falcon.

"What a drama queen!" Olimar taunted over the comm. as he fired up their ship. "Put a sock in it, Ray! We gotta run!"

Brittany did a double-take as Professor X proceeded to lick all the whipped cream off Mystique's face.

* * *

**XIII. Open Your Heart**

**The OG Great Fox  
****11:23**** PM**_**  
**_

After breaking into the rear entrance to the Arwing deck, the Flood from _Halo _had been infesting the _OG Great Fox_ for a good five minutes now.

This obviously did not bode well for Krystal, Wolf, or Leon.

Krystal heard a banging on the doors to the cockpit and spun around in terror. "Wolf?!"

"Let us in! I can't stop them!" Wolf yelled. They had just used their last Ray Guns and Bob-Ombs trying to stop the incoming flow of the creepy-ass parasitic species. "AHHHH!"

Krystal ran on over to open the door, but dozens of the Flood thingies, as well as some _Half-Life_ headcrabs, squeezed through the cracks.

While trying to close the door upon the Flood, Leon gasped as his furry lover's brain was suddenly engulfed by one of the head-munchers.

"You fly!" Krystal told Leon, and ran over to use her staff's ice-spewing capabilities to free Wolf.

"This could hurt a bit!" she told Wolf, then froze the Flood off him.

"BRAINFREEEEZE!" Wolf wailed.

But her best efforts couldn't do much, as they were soon about to be overwhelmed.

Just then, who should crawl out from the air ducts other than Wyclef, the Clefairy Krystal and Fox raised together.

"Wyclef! Did... you come here to help us?!"

"FAIRY! Fairy! Clefairy!" (Of course, Mommy! I'm going to save you!) it exclaimed.

Clefairy used Metronome! Clefairy used Ice Beam!

Wyclef suddenly opened its mouth facing the long hallway and fired forth an uber-powerful beam of frozen death, saving both Krystal and Wolf and allowing them to shut the door, securing their safety.

* * *

**Not Too Far Away  
11:24 PM**

"FINE!" screamed Superman after he lost six consecutive rounds of thumb-wrestling. "You'll destroy this comet. I get the next one."

"Yay!" Goku exclaimed and Kamehameha'd that sucker into a billion little shards, except Superman dashed into the comet and beat him to the punch, busting the thing in half.

"WHAAAAAAT?!" whined Goku. "You cheatin' Kryptonian! C'mere!"

He flew into Superman and punched him in the face, but could not stop Kal-El's hysterical laughter.

"Quit that creepy villainous laughter'!" Goku yelled, slamming Supes' head into one of the UNFS ships repeatedly. "Take that shit to Arkham!"

Superman simply headbutted Goku in the nose and kicked him away while the large shards plummeted through the vertical battlefield, still posing a huge threat to the city.

After regaining control of the ship, Krystal steered the _OG Great Fox _through the thick of this, in hot pursuit of the _Aphelion._

* * *

**The Helicarrier  
11:21 PM**

Several thousand feet below, on the Helicarrier, in the midst of the battle, at this moment, Mario canceled out a Hadoken with his fireball.

"That's BULL and you know it!" Ryu exclaimed as he kicked, and then uppercut the plumber, sending him airborne.

"Sakurai made some move-specific tweaks to balance the game between individual characters," said Ganon, who'd just kicked Arthur out of there. "That's an unusual portent. Sounds to me you've got a shot at a DLC spot, Ryu."

"Dope!" Ryu said, totes pumped up.

Mario's corkscrew attack lost to Ryu's spinning Tatsumaki, which smacked Mario in the cheek and took him 900 degrees before sandwiching his face into a turret.

"Mamma Mia!~" Mario exclaimed, adjusting his cap. "You're a-serious today, I can a-see that much."

"Heard you quit drinking," Ryu replied as he stomped the floor before Mario, launching him up and into a fist. "Hope it lasts this time. Guile said the first week was the worst."

"We really don't a-need to fight," said Mario as a fully-charged F.L.U.D.D. pushed Ryu back, lining him up perfectly for Mario's descending forward-aerial. "Our enemy is a-in the upper atmosphere!"

"Yeah, but it's more fun fighting you!"

Ryu was juggled into the air, where Mario followed with several up-airs. Mario landed on the central platform to continue the juggling combo, which Luigi capped off with a fully-charged Luigi Missile. Ryu was launched into the bridge, where his ass landed on Captain America's face and nearly snapped the Super-Soldier's neck off while he was balls-deep into X-23.

"I'm coming!" Steve Rogers exclaimed as his condom tore and X-23 filled with his love juices.

"YES! Let's make a baby!" The uber-hot Wolverine clone sighed, to much despair from Cap. (**A/N:** CAST Members can't make babies; this just happens to be X-23's fetish).

Meanwhile, the Mario brothers fist-bumped in mid-air and got the drop on Chun Li, who had positioned herself carefully in the background of Lara Croft's interview for maximum TV exposure.

"What are you doing?!" Chun-Li grumbled as she kicked Mario off her. "This is paid for advertising space, you amateur!"

Mario stunned her with a fireball, while Luigi grabbed her and slammed her into the floor, where she bounced into Mario's front-smash and was launched off the Helicarrier.

Chun-Li landed atop one of the TIE fighters, which she proceeded to commandeer and use to fire upon Fiona's inexplicable _Star Wars _forces.

Lara Croft, who was in the middle of a live TV interview with Monita and a Camera Lakitu, fired a couple of bullets at the Mario Brothers just stay in the fight, but was mostly ignored.

"Yes, I've got to say, writing a memoir was very... _healing _for me. With such a chaotic life, being whisked away to all these exotic destinations, going from developer to developer..."

_BAM!_

The Beretta bullet hit its target dead-on. A single frame before he would have picked up a Heart Container hidden behind a crate, Pac-Man gasped as the digital neurons in his brains stuttered, and then stopped firing.

"CHEAP SHOT!" he flicked off Lara before turning 2D, where his yellow semi-circle form folded over itself before disappearing completely with the traditional Pac-Man 'death rattle'.

"With eyes that large, you'd expect he might have seen a trap," Lara explained to the public as she licked her handgun for the camera. "Junior Explorers, take note of your surroundings. Write that down."

Nearby, Marth finally gained some ground on Strider, and the two strafed one another while engaged in an ominous dialogue in Japanese about Zuko's honor, the meaning of life, their motivations for fighting, the friends they lost along the way, and the paradoxical nature of consciousness and what it means to be human.

It ended when a stray Bob-Omb walked up to Hiryu and exploded him into the wall, knocking him out with a concussion.

_Totally planned it,_ thought Marth (in Japanese), who looked around to make sure nobody saw that his win was a total fluke.

Just then, Parappa the Rapper, Bowser Junior, Earthworm Jim, Bomberman, Toejam, and Earl all emerged from the inside of the ammo and explosives room, which they had hotboxed.

The stoners marveled at Firebrand and Ridley, who were still dueling above them, and Shulk and Lucina. The duo had finally gained ground against Dante and Vergil, backing them up almost to the edge of the deck.

Bomberman decided to tedake a selfie with the battle raging in the background, hoping it would spruce up his _Plenty of Fish _dating profile.

Earthworm Jim and the '90s Sega duo immediately returned to fighting by launching rockets at Little Mac and subsequently getting Straight Lunged by him.

Meanwhile, Parappa and Bowser Junior took the stage, standing atop a fighter jet. Parappa started busting out some freestyle raps alongside Junior's beat-boxing.

"_The mother of all battles has just begun  
We stormin' the castle to extract the sum  
That the perps behind your works dumped on us and theirs  
Why my homies gotta bleed for some billionaires?"_

"HOLD IT!" exclaimed Phoenix Wright, who showed up out of a portal, flanked by the recently ultra-rich Taizo Hori (Dig Dug) and his granddaughter Jill, who had the Portal Gun in hand. "My client is charging you with disturbing the peace! No one should have to hear a rap that hackneyed, and not to mention unpatriotic! Ever!"

Bowser Junior stuck out his tongue. "Boo to you! You sure like to criticize! Do you have an artistic bone in your body, you Philistines?!"

The kid then dodged a thrown shovel.

"Son," began Taizo, who had obviously had a little too much to drink. "There's shit. There's ultra-shit. And then there's that anti-freedom, anti-capitalist, opulence-shaming garbage your friend just spouted from his mouth! People die every day to protect this realm and you call that biased filth 'ART'?!"

"Yo!" Parappa spun.

"_Millions o' children be dyin' to support yo' oppression  
So go ahead and put me on a waterboardin' session  
Torture and lies can't kill true love and art  
The revolution won't be televised, 'coz it's in our hearts!"_

Taizo scoffed. "Too on the nose! Back in my day, rappers were black people! Not dogs! Which is why a bitch wasn't one of Jay-Z's '99 Problems'!"

"Yeah!" Jill added, tossing a bone at his head. "You shoulda been put down!"

Parappa whimpered.

"And! And!" The greedy Taizo continued like a slurred grandpa stinking of colon bags and cleaning products. "All 'em boys sang about acquiring riches or dying in the process! They was all about the Gangster's Paradise, not some free-loving socialist hippie crap! The world is not a place for freeloaders! Do you think I got here by accident?!"

Phoenix sighed, as he was armed with the knowledge that Taizo recently won ownership of the city by betting on the outcome of last night's battle. The formerly poor 8-bit star and spelunker had turned from a sweet old man to a real jerk in the twelve hours since he suddenly became ridiculously wealthy.

_Easy come, easy go, _thought Phoenix. _Ahhhh, the things I do for that Ferarri 488 GTB I'm going to buy once I hit my midlife crisis. Yessiree. Wait. I don't need to buy one of those. I can just take one from the Gran Turismo server. Hot damn. You __**are**__ a genius, Mr. Wright. Don't forget to give your cock a kiss on the tip later. Still... now that I got that car, gotta find somethin' to keep motivating myself so I don't give in to the demons in my head telling me to die in a fire for being such an opportunistic pig..._

"Hey, man! I believe in the free market, just not a corporate oligarchy!" Bowser Junior answered. "Big government's dangerous, but ya gotta admit there's an unspoken class system at play that keeps certain people down on purpose while subsidizin' others! The rich don't gotta work for their money, 'coz they've got it in offshore banks, their stock investments multiply, an' they got politicians and lobbyists givin' em tax breaks! An' we're just kids tryin' to express ourselves! You... you privileged, prune juice-drinking fart!"

"Oh?" Taizo said, as Junior's resorting to the same ad hominem insults he was abusing gave him an opening to split the duo and foster good drama for the reality TV viewers. "_That_ right there's no child, Baby Bowser! Oh, no! That failed artist right there is almost 20 years old!"

"Nah, I ain't," said Parappa, whose lip began to quiver. "That ain't me, brah."

"Hey, doggy boy!" Jill taunted, seeing an opening. "Sunny's dead! She's fucking dead and it's all your fault! You peed on her like the sick pup you are and her soil turned acidic!"

"LIAR! You just gotta believe!" Parappa screamed, though his act was not convincing. He sat down curled up, covered his ears, and started rocking back and forth.

"Don't listen to those bullies! You're rappin' GREAT!" Bowser Junior implored his friend. "Stand tall, Parappa! Believe in the me that-"

But they were interrupted by another one of Firebrand's swooping attacks. The demonic dude pinned Ridley to the floor, stunning Samus, who was helping Captain Falcon deal with Nova's Nova Strike.

"Ghaaa graaaa viiiii nixxx myxptlk!" (Quit crampin' my scene! There can only be one cool-ass demon dude!) Firebrand cawed in his hellish tongue.

"I have a friend who would disagree," Ridley said smugly as he peered over Firebrand's shoulder.

Firebrand suddenly lost all sensation as Charizard's incoming Flare Blitz rammed into his tailbone and snapped it in two, ending him with a terrifying scream.

Ridley took a break to eat the demon for good measure in the hopes of acquiring his powers. However, all he acquired was a bad case of diarrhea. The Space Pirate was sorely missed on the battle, since the Hulk swept the floor like Cinderella.

Spencer's Bionic Arm caught Ike's Banshee and pulled it down to the battlefield. However, the Hero of Blue Flames burst from the cockpit early and used his charged-up Quick Draw to close the distance and launch the Commando.

But Spencer quickly righted himself and latched his arm onto the Top of the Screen.

"Heh. Close one," the Commando said as he swung into Ike, landing on him with a power-kick.

However, Little Mac was tossed by Wolverine into Spencer's path, and the boxer activated his counter to halt the Bionic Commando and escape unscathed while Ike got to punish Wolverine's missed jab with a three-hit combo of his own.

"Hang on, Logan," said Little Mac. "I thought yous was, like, Earth's Mightiest Heroes and shit. Don't ya have Galactus on yer side? You really couldn't repel this invasion of dumb-bots?"

"Hey, it's not our fault Galactus doesn't give a shit about us," said Wolverine as his claws fended off Ragnell. "He's too busy terrorizing Spore planets on the EA Server."

"Ah! I know what all this is about!" exclaimed Bomberman, who'd found a plug on the deck to charge his cellphone. "You has-beens are butthurt 'coz you're no longer the real deal! Ever since Disney bought Marvel, you've been abandoned at CAPCOM! You've gotta compete with those fools in Disney's Marvel's 'Infinity' shit!"

"Did puny Hello Kitty mention THE 'I' WORD?! OH, IT'S ON!" She-Hulk bellowed, and proceeded to dash at full speed towards the White Bomber.

"AIIIEEE!" Bomberman screamed as he hopped away to the other side of the deck atop one of the Bunny-things from Bomberman Racing, covering his trail with bombs, one of which exploded Nova while he was on his smoke break, eliminating him from the battle.

"SECOND PARTY FOUL!" screamed the remaining _Marvel VS Capcom 3 _veterans.

A surprising thing happened to She-Hulk. She heard something deafening, like a sonic boom. Then, she had her head blown completely off.

The word "FAAAAALLLLLCOOOOOONN-" was heard.

Several guys behind She-Hulk, Magneto saw this coming, and in miming a closed fist, crushed the Blue Falcon as it was traveling at over 320mph.

"PAWWWWWWNNNNNCHHHHH!"

But it was too late: Captain Falcon had timed his attack so that he slid off the vehicle's roof halfway through it. His Falcon Punch was still active, and the racer's extended attack connected with Magneto's nose, shattering it. The mutant was sent flying to the back of the invading forces, towards the UNFSes.

"Awww, I wanted to see his moves," Falcon lamented to Little Mac.

But the boxer had just performed a Jolt Haymaker to soar over Wolverine's Drill Claw. The Adamantium-skeletoned mutant gave him the single middle claw, then brought it down to just a few inches.

"You wanna take this guy?" Little Mac asked Falcon. "Or should I?"

"I say we give him the Eiffel Tower treatment," said the Captain.

"Right on, brudda."

The duo mixed up Wolvie; Mac with his fancy footwork and punishing tilts, and DJ Falcon with throws into aerial strings.

"Gah! You've got such good chemistry, you oughta get a room!" Wolverine yelled while slashing Little Mac's face, drawing blood. The mutant would have slashed his throat, too, if Peach's dropped turnip hadn't smacked his skull and stunned him.

"Women..." Logan lamented as he absorbed Falcon's back-aerial to the face. "They'll be the death of me."

Wolverine responded by dive-kicking Falcon into one of Iron Fist's patented Chi Blast punches, which smacked the Captain in his abs and pushed him back several feet, with his boots skidding rubber on the floor.

"Owchies," Cap replied as Iron Fist's Fists of Fury smacked him in the face like so many over-sensitive women. The golden punches ended with Falcon sent into Logan's Cross-Slash, which volleyed him straight back to Iron Fist.

"In the 'nads!" Falcon yelled, and Little Mac interrupted Iron Fist's Chi cyclone with a fully-charged Straight Lunge to the crotch.

"AIIIIEEEEE!"

Iron Fist's Bruce Lee yells turned into Michael Jackson howls as his family jewels shattered like so many Art School BFA graduates' hopes and dreams (**A/N:** I'm one of these, FWIW D:) and he collapsed on the floor in a fit of tears.

"END IT!" he screamed, and Captain Falcon pulled out his sidearm and shot the man in the head, ending his misery.

"Holy shit!" Little Mac yelled, eyes widened. "YOU JUST USED YOUR GUN!"

"DUDE!" Falcon realized, and then shot Ghost Rider in the skull, which admittedly did not do much. "How could I have forgotten about that shit?!"

Little Mac came (jizzed) to a more personal realization. "Wait... I'm not really boxing! I can use my legs!"

But when the boxer attempted to kick Wolverine, the mutant's Adamantium skeleton nearly shattered his Tibula in half.

"D'OH! Like weighted gloves! Ya fuckin' fuckface!" Little Mac yelled as he clutched his leg in pain.

"Next time, stick to yer guns, bub!" Wolverine taunted before stabbing Little Mac.

With his claws inches from the boxer, a blinding electric surge coursed through Logan's frame.

"GAAAAHHHHH!" Wolverine exclaimed as his entire skeleton lit up in blue.

"PIIIIKAAAAAA!" boomed the very angry-lookin' Pikachu, who continued to blast him with Thunder.

Several Japanese kids fell into seizures watching the scene on the telly, and sadly missed the part where Wolverine's regenerating body could no longer bear the strain and exploded in a humongous ball of flames before collapsing onto the floor.

Just then, a rather large Comet left a quite sizeable shadow on the Helicarrier deck.

Little Mac looked up and saw the half-mile-wide Comet that had been fired by Fiona's Comet Cannon rapidly closing in on them.

"Ain't that a bitch," he said.

Suddenly, Alph's ship landed in the midst of the battlefield. From it emerged Olimar, Sora, Rayman, Brittany, and a fraction of the surviving Space Captain trio's Pikmin.

The Wonderful Ones arrived on a Wonder-Glider shortly thereafter. Despite their somewhat weightless CENTINEL suits, the team really kind of overloaded the Helicarrier's weight limit.

* * *

**XIV. Burnin' in the Skies**

**3100 ft. Above Sea Level  
11:27 PM**

While dodging Superman's Laser Vision, Son Goku spied the next incoming hunk of rock that should surely have spelled their doom.

"Hey, Supes, did I ever tell ya my favorite ice cream flavor?" Goku asked.

"Green tea?" Kal-El supposed.

Goku made a 'wrong answer' buzzer sound. "Nope! Rocky road!"

He then Kamehameha'd Superman into the colossal comet, cracking it into bajillions of pieces.

"Fiona, you clever bastard!" Superman gasped as the core of the comet ended up being Kryptonite. He struggled to keep airborne and finally just plummeted like a rock.

* * *

**Smash City  
Sea Level**

"Oh a-no!" exclaimed Baby Mario, who was watching the battle on TV with Baby Luigi, Baby Peach, Baby Rosalina, etc. "Tha' Kryptonite be some nasty shit, foo! Supaman gonna die!"

"No he isn't," said their nanny, who had just finished cutting off the crusts from the babies' cheese whiz sandwiches.

He took off his apron and adjusted his Action Jeans.

"It's my time to shine," he said, and cracked a smile.

The nanny sublimated a hole through the ceiling and soared through the sky at mach speed, grabbed Superman as he fell through the air, and roundhouse kicked a large radius of the explosive debris from the Kryptonite Comet.

As Clark opened his eyes, it was to see Chuck Norris (CAST member from 1983's "Chuck Norris Superkicks", subsequently created as a CAST Member in _Atari Interactive_'s servers in 2003 when the game was uploaded to their mainframe).

"C-Chuck?" Clark said weakly.

"Shhhh," said Chuck, stroking his chestnut-brown hair.. "You're gonna be very well taken care of."

"Huh?" said Superman. "Can't you just cure me with your tears?"

"And let you get the screen time?" Chuck laughed. "Come on, let's be honest, man. Being rich, famous, and super-powerful isn't fun. It's more work. More stress. And we gotta do gigs like this for the exposure. Neo, catch!"

"Ya gotta put your faith in somethin'," Superman said with a shrug as Chuck tossed him on over to the Keanu Reeves lookalike.

"I don't know what's weirder," said Neo as he bore Superman to Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet. "This, or the freakin' _Matrix_."

Wonder Woman emerged chewing a stick of bubble gum, hair blowing dramatically in the wind. "Hey Clark. Lois knows about us."

"Again? What'd you do this time?"

"Panties in the wash."

"Amateur move. It's over."

"Fine."

"CLARK!" Lois shrieked. She had donned Lex Luthor's Warsuit and was closing the distance.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," Chuck said. "Good luck, Supes."

Clark turned to The One, who had just erased a character who was formerly a part of the _Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3 _roster from ever existing in any way, shape, or form, because he could. "Neo, could I ask you a favor?"

Neo and Chuck had just finished destroying the first wave of falling debris.

"Wipe her memory after work?" Neo guessed. "That stuff goes against my ethical boundaries."

"Wait, are you guys serious right now?!" Lois Lane screeched, approaching rapidly.

"No issue," said Clark, ignoring her. "I'll get Mewtwo to do it."

"You still owe me twenty from the last one," Mewtwo said as he forward-aired Dark Phoenix into the group of super-powered heroes.

Wonder-Woman lashed Jean with her whip.

"LET ME GOOOO!" Dark Phoenix growled.

Superman snapped her neck, putting a long-overdue end to this Dark Phoenix saga.

"Wait, you've done this... before?!" said Neo.

"I do it all the time."

"Dubya... tee... eff."

Neo took off his shades and rubbed his forehead. "Not that it's any of my business, but... dude, you're like the _reason_ people question whether some humans are just born insane and fucked up. I've always believed in the good of people until now."

"And?" Superman urged, still waiting for him to get to the point.

"And it's effed up! For one, this _can't_ be good for Lois' sanity."

"Yeah, if this is true, you're fucking INVADING MY RIGHTS, Clark!" yelled Lois.

"She has a point," said Diana.

Tiring of this shit, Chuck flew over to Mewtwo and sold him a Total Gym and two pairs of Action Jeans.

Superman nodded. "You did mention seeing night terrors last week. Voices in your head. Nosebleeds. Thought it could be some compile error."

"OHHH! So that gives you a right to ERASE MY FUCKING MEMORY OF AN AFFAIR?! YOU MONSTER!"

Neo put his shades back on and flashed her a Neuralizer, that thingy from _Men in Black_.

"She was messin' with my Zen thing. You owe me fifty," he told Superman, and then flew off to say hi to Doomsday.

* * *

**The Helicarrier  
11:29 PM**

One second Don Luigi was being shot at by Regina from _Dino Crisis_, and the next, she stumbled over a banana peel and into a stockade, cursing the whole way.

_This could only be the work of Shigeru Miyamoto,_ thought Luigi. He then turned around.

"We're back! Not a dinosaur's story," said Shigsy, who brought down a _mumakil _with a completely new type of Pikmin he just made up on the spot, and then forgot about later (Thankfully his staff was able to take the footage of the battle and incorporate the elements into their R&amp;D.).

"Actually," said Mr. Sakurai. "We decided our faculties were best pooled together. Mr. Iwata needs to recover from his mushroom experience, so a couple of interns are going to take him to the nearby Ikebana gardens. He loves that flower shit."

To much fanfare, A Mii of Hideo Kojima descended, riding Jehuty Ver. 2 from _Zone of the Enders: The 2__nd__ Runner_.

Sakurai raised an eyebrow. "Ah, Hideo-kun. You're looking splendid this evening."

"Gotta say, you guys make this shit way too tight," Hideo began, trying to adjust his Mii's pants. "Seriously, there is just no crotch space... at all..."

"To what do we owe this pleasure?" asked Sakurai.

Kojima shrugged. "This seems like THE place to be right now. Plus, I wanted to try and convince you to offer Snake as DLC."

"Here we go again..."

"He's one of the fan favorites!" Kojima protested. "It would sell like hotcakes!"

"According to the polls," said Mr. Miyamoto, "the fans really just want King K. Rool."

Just at that moment, the trio turned to see Donkey Kong headbutt Spike from _Ape Escape_ into the ground, making a loud cracking noise on the guy's polygonal skull.

"NO! PLEASE NO NOT ON LIVE TV!" Spike pleaded, but King K. Rool unzipped his croc skin and peed all over his head, snickering.

"You animal abusers sicken me," K. Rool said, and then bent over in a squatting position over Spike's face while DK held him down, laughing boisterously. Bowser's Koopalings all gathered around him and lined up their posteriors atop his face.

A large crowd had now gathered and began chanting "SHRIIIIM..." "SHRIIIIM..."

"NOOOO!" Spike cried again and again.

Needless to say, this scene set a record number of Lakitu cameramen puking in one night and was the shame of the Network.

Jill Dozer, whose idea it was to hire Spike and K. Rool and reenact the bizarre "Tim &amp; Eric" skit, checked her tablet for the_ Twitter feed. _The masses were not amused with "shrim".

Now that he was coming down with a headache, Mr. Sakurai suggested that the gang of video game directors, whose time was really rather important, put a team into mining the data from these fights so as to get ideas for future games.

Mr. Kojima was very receptive to this idea and went along for a quick tea break, but Mr. Miyamoto decided to keep on chillin' and bustin' fools with the other Smashers because he was having way too much fun.

* * *

**XV. Invaders Must Die**

**Smashgrounds Stables  
11:31 PM**

About a quarter-mile outside of the Smashgrounds, Ezio Auditore emerged from the bale of hay by the stables, in a daze. Toadette wandered on up to him and attempted to steal his boots, but Ezio instead pinned her down onto the grass.

He looked the strange creature up and down.

"Wait... what _are _you?" he asked. "And where's the nearest pawn shop? I've got a few things I need to unload."

She studied some of his trinkets, eventually settling on a set of very expensive silver forks. "Give me three of those Dingle Hoppers in addition to a decent tip, and I'll make your time worth while."

"How so?" he asked, and she ran her fingers up and down his thigh.

Ezio scratched his chin. "Hmmm. I have never been with a creature such as yourself. Perhaps terrible things will not happen. Very well, pink one. Let us rub our bumpers."

And so, Toadette pushed Ezio onto his back and ran her hands up and down his chest. She began first by sucking and kneading his manhood, and then got into position and slowly lowered herself onto him.

"Ahhh, _magnifico!_" he exclaimed as she started grinding against him. "So this is what it must feel like to be a Catholic Bishop! Only... are you a boy, or a girl?"

"If only I could tell you how many Pokemon professors have asked me that question. I'm not... technically a girl... but, like, emotionally, I am."

And they laid one another for some time, producing small clouds of spores each time their genitals made impact. However, it was not long before Ezio started to smell something... weird.

"Say... what's that smell...?"

"N-n-nothing!"

Toadette moaned like a Japanese schoolgirl and licked his nipples to distract him, but over the course of the next few minutes, the smell became too much to bear.

"_Mi scusi~_" (Excuse me), he told her. "I think we should switch positions."

"No, wait!" she cried.

But as he whipped out his man-meat, Ezio shrieked in terror at what it had become.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Ezio screeched as his penis now now [A] was white and red, [B] had arms, and [C] was smiling right at him.

"HIII!" his dick said. "My name's Toad, and you just had unprotected sex with my Momma! We're gonna be best of friends now!"

"This is a nightmare!" Ezio wailed, and started slamming his junk against the stable walls. "DIE TOAD! DIIEEEEE!"

Freaked out by this entire situation, Epona whinnied and neighed, and kicked down the stable door, flattening Ezio.

"Ouch..." said Ezio as he crawled away from the splintering wreckage. However, his legs were both impaled by large pieces of wood, and he could not move.

Epona started sniffing his body.

"Wait... good horsie..." Ezio said, holding out a hand to pet her, but she was interested in something else.

"NO DON'T- GET AWAY!"

_MUNCH._

"AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!" the assassin cried as Link's horse bit his dick off in one piece.

"MY SON!" Toadette cried, and then kicked Ezio in the face. "You asshole! You ruined everything!"

* * *

Lucina felt the ground wobble beneath her feet as another Banshee slammed into the Helicarrier.

"We need to take this fight to more stable ground!" she announced, dodging the ring of swords spinning around Vergil.

"Or not," Dante said, whipping out his pistols again. However, Shulk predicted this, and his Buster-enhanced Backslash took off Dante's right arm.

"That was the only girl I ever loved!" Dante cried.

"Wow, really?" said Vergil, who dashed towards Shulk and punished him for the attack by slamming him into the ground, then performing an off-the-ground launch into his Judgment Cut.

"INCREDIBLE!" The announcer applauded Vergil, stroking his ego.

"That's how it's done, brother," Vergil told Dante, who snapped his remaining hand's fingers in a form of sarcastic applause.

But Lucina had Shulk's back. She predicted Vergil's incoming lightning-fast dash attack, short-hopped, and slashed him in the face (down-air).

Vergil's stun was enough for Shulk to grab him, pummel him, and toss him back to Lucina for a chain of forward-aerials that juggled him on over towards Marth.

"Marsu-sama!" Lucina screamed.

Seeing the opening, Marth leapt in the air, knowing that Vergil would have been ready to attack by the time he reached him. He timed his Counter at the last possible second, and Vergil slashed his own chest open with a teleport into an aerial pinwheel slash.

"G-g-great..." Vergil scoffed, and found himself surrounded by all three swordmasters, bleeding out of his chest cavity.

It was Lucina who stepped in and finished Vergil off with a fully-charged forward-smash, slashing him in two.

Marth smiled and nodded to Lucina, who blushed when she met his intense eyes.

_Sempai noticed me_, she thought, elated, and then turned to Shulk, whose Monado stabbed through Dante's heart.

"You've got red on you," said Shulk, wiping a spot of Vergil's blood from her cheek.

"That was... jolly good," she smiled, and he returned it.

"I think we're getting the hang of this," he replied.

The Hulk's thundering footsteps, and DK being knocked onto the floor between them, shook the two newcomers from their reverie.

"That guy... does not play nice..." Donkey Kong huffed.

Rosalina leapt in to his defense.

While her Luma was busy fending off Felicia, Rosalina tossed Donkey Kong a Maxim Tomato.

"HENSHIN A-GO-GO, BABY!"

"Look out!"

Shulk protected both Rosalina and Lucina from Viewtiful Joe's Voomerang, which led into an unexpected roundhouse kick.

"I've got your back!"

Lucina covered Shulk from Amaterasu's sneak attack with Thunder Beads. Completely open, the time traveler was unable to react to Hulk's ground-raising Gamma Wave.

She was knocked into the air. Hulk's follow-up was, however, thwarted by Sonic's reverse aerial rush as his foot connected with the rampaging green rage monster's face.

"HEY, AUTHOR! You can't do that!" Deadpool interjected once again. "That's twice now you made Hulk into a weak-ass!"

_It's MAAAAHVEEEL, baby! _The Author yelled. _Though... gotta admit. You have a point._

So... Sonic's attack was effective. Except... it wasn't.

_Aww, you suck. See if I ever do an ad for you_, thought Sonic.

The Blue Blur rebounded off Hulk's cheek and was left fodder for Hulk's heavy aerial "Clap", which is almost as bad as getting The Clap itself.

(**A/N:** Just kidding, it isn't. Practice safe sex, kiddos.)

"Ha!" jeered Deadpool as his pineapple surprise blew up in Don Luigi's face. "Double whammy!"

"Hey! Whose a-world do you think this is?!" Mario screamed at the assassin. He rolled up his sleeves and cracked his knuckles, showing his dual forearm tattoos of "Mamma Mia" and stick figures of what looked like Jesus and Mohammed making out, which Wario tattooed on him over the span of 4 hours while he was passed out in a drunken binge.

"Ooooh!" Deadpool mimed fear. "What are you gonna do, Don Dumbo? Jump on my head?"

"If a-that's how you want it," Mario taunted. He ran on over to the assassin, performed a high-jump, caped back the approaching bullets, shot a fireball to cover his landing, and grabbed the stunned Deadpool and tossed him into the floor.

"I don't like this!" screamed Deadpool as Mario's down throw landed him into an up-tilt, head-smashing combo that ended with Mario's up-smash and an up-aerial.

Bowser grabbed Deadpool in mid-air and performed a Flying Slam, sending him into the ground.

Fox spied the assassin's damage in his scouter after he and Captain Falcon fended off Felicia's and Nemesis' latest assaults: **140%**.

"Damn," Fox said, and went back to fighting Felicia while Captain Falcon spot-dodged Nemesis' grab and punished with a grab of his own.

"That the best you can do?" Falcon smirked as he pummeled Umbrella Corporation's Zombified Employee of the Month, who replied with incomprehensible gibberish.

"STAAAAAAAAARS..."

"Right. You'll be seein' em soon!"

Captain Falcon then tossed him into the ground, chased him by linking four up-air aerial kicks while using a jet fighter as a platform, and finished by nailing him with a Falcon Dive (up-B). Anticipating a Knee to the face, Nemesis air-dodged, but Falcon waited out the dodge and nailed him with another knee, one that busted open the zombified moron's chest cavity.

"Your moves have been seen," he told the dying Nemesis before kneeing him in the head to send him flying five hundred yards into the surf. "And they have been found unworthy."

Upon recovering from his fall, Deadpool rolled away from Mario and retaliated by grabbing the passed-out Melville and pointing a gun to his head. "All right, folks! Nobody moves or the lady Villager gets it!"

However, Sheik's Needles stopped Deadpool in his tracks, stunning him long enough for Mario and Sonic to combo him together and send him flying to the other end of the Helicarrier, where he landed on top of Marcus Fenix and sent the jarhead tumbling into the Helicarrier's rotor system. The grenades on his belt exploded, taking out nearly the entire rotor with his exploding body.

Just then, Sheik lost her balance, and soon realized that she wasn't the only one.

The Helicarrier's axis had been tilting ever since Samus' Power Bomb and Ridley and Firebrand's destruction of the helm. This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

As it turned out, they were now on a course to ram directly into the ocean, and were swiftly approaching the Smashgrounds.

Spider-Man dashed past her, shot a web onto a spire on the Smashgrounds, and swung for dear life. King Dedede floated on over to the castle.

A deafening roar came from above as the _Ragnarok _airship descended to just above the Helicarrier. Mickey Mouse popped out from the rear entrance, quad-wielding two Uzis in each of his oversized glove-hands.

"Ha, ha ha! HA HA HA-HA-HA!" Mickey laughed wickedly. "COME GET SOME!"

"You're shooting us, too, you idiot!" Jill Valentine yelled, her voice lost in the drowning PF-FF-FFFOOOOOOOMP of the bullets as she was gunned down in a hail of lead.

Chun-Li flew in with her TIE fighter, but Mickey's tail brandished a .32 Magnum modified to shoot glass-piercing hollow-point bullets (a unique 'hack'). His exceptional aim landed three shots out of five in her chest.

"HIIIYAAAAAHHH!" Chun-Li steered her ship directly into the Ragnarok, but a forcefield projected by none other than Professor X himself protected the mouse.

Sadly, Chun-Li exploded along with her TIE fighter from the impact.

Unfazed, Mickey continued to pepper the escaping fighters with "anti-seeds", completely Derezzing Tron (**A/N:** I mean Tron, the character played by Bruce Boxleitner in "Tron" and "Tron: Legacy", whose sequel was killed by the moron studio heads at Disney. Yeah, what idiots, right? I signed the "Save Tron 3" petition on Change dot org), and injuring many others.

Ghost Rider's tires were shot while he was running over Sora, and he flipped himself off the deck and into Jehuty 2.0.

"Ghost Rider, 'sup," said Kojima, who was still in a holographic conference with Sakurai and his team.

The skull-headed dude gave a polite bow.

Mr. Miyamoto used Create to summon forth a whole herd of Gardevoirs to protect those on the Helicarrier from Mickey's bullets.

"Stay outta my business, old man!"

"In a very literal way, you're the one who's in the middle of _my _business," said Mr. Miyamoto. "Quit with the disrespectin' or _I WILL_ exterminate you!"

Mario looked up to his father, his heart swelling with pride.

Peach thought his tougher side was hot. She remembered an incident during the development of "Super Princess Peach" where Mr. Miyamoto absolutely lost it in front of the staff, while she was webcamming with them during the development of the game. They were the most terrified humans she had ever seen. It reminded her of what she'd read and seen in terms of how people reacted to the Nanking Massacre.

Batman escaped on his Bat-Glider. Bowser made a mad leap for a very tall tree and landed on it with his claws.

"BAAAAIIILLL!" screamed Luigi to whomever would listen. "LEAP FOR SAFETY!"

Peach's balloon came to take Mario and Luigi away. The Master Chief popped it with a shot from his pistol, but Samus soon afterwards tackled him to the floor. The Chief kicked out at her, but she fired a Missile into his crotch, which did not pierce his armor but was sure to leave him with a painful welt on his dick.

"Vengeful BITCH!" The Chief yelled as Samus then kicked him off the Helicarrier.

"THIS FIGHT ISN'T OVER!" MC screamed. "I'M COMING FOR YOU, SAMUS!"

The Spartan slammed into one of the Smashgrounds' Flying Buttresses and cratered in the midst of Peach's flower garden. Samus' Scan Visor told her he'd survived the fall.

"My petunias!" Peach cried. While the Mario brothers covered her with fireballs, she tossed out a hook for Samus to latch her Grapple Beam onto.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," said Samus as she ascended the basket and fired her flamethrower into the hot air balloon, easing their landing.

"It's okay," Peach replied, holding the eye contact so Samus knew she meant it. She moved away slightly, careful not to show too much affection in front of Mario, who'd turned away at the sight and was scouring the landscape for further attackers.

"Mario," said Luigi. "You have a-been firing on all cylinders tonight. I haven't a-seen you fight a-like that for years."

Wordlessly, Mario nodded his thanks and brushed one of Pit's teeth from his brother's moustache.

Charizard bore Pikachu and Meowth to freedom.

Little Mac, Captain Falcon, Ganondorf, Shulk, and Lucina all squeezed into the Falcon Flyer.

If Sheik had been able to see into the bridge, it would have been evident that Captain America and X-23 were so deep into their lovemaking, they had given up on repairing the controls.

Link and Zelda ran up to Sheik, just by the edge of the platform, only to see that they had passed the Smashgrounds and were now nearing the site of the party, beyond which lay nothing but the cold gulf between the islands and Smash City.

"How's it lookin'?" Link asked their buddy.

"We've got better recovery than you," Sheik said.

"Eh. That's situational," Link replied, pulling out a bomb and waiting one and a half seconds. "Excuse me, princesses!"

Link got a running start off the platform, timed his two jumps perfectly, performed his spinning slash to recover, used the bomb to shoot himself back up again, and tether-recovered onto the Tomodachi Life apartment complex.

Zelda landed beside him a split-second later, careful not to land directly on him.

But Sheik was caught in a tussle with who else but Strider Hiryu, who'd just recently woken up, atop the declining Helicarrier.

"All are equal in the face of death," said Strider, who pulled her by her ponytail and trapped her in a Freezie before leaping off the carrier himself and performing a perfect swan dive into the water, only to be eaten by a Big Cheep Cheep.

_I can do this! _Sheik thought, trying to steer her Freezie to safety, but it was Krystal who swooped in with the _OG Great Fox _to save her.

"Wow," said Sheik as the Freezie broke apart in the docking bay. "Nice catch."

It came to be that Sora was the only one left on the airship as it was about to careen into the ocean.

He closed his eyes and prepared for a violent death. But instead, a spotlight shone on him from high above. A rope had been lowered from the _Ragnarok_.

"This is your last chance!" the Mouse taunted him. "I suggest you take it!"

But Sora merely gave him the finger, whistled, and jumped off the ledge, where Monstro the Whale leapt from the sea and caught him. Sora grabbed onto his blow hole and gave the Helicarrier one last glance before it crashed into the water at about a forty-degree angle, broke apart, and caused a massive shockwave just off the mainland shore that ended in a tsunami.

After firing off a big water spout, Monstro immediately dove again and jetted away from the crash.

* * *

**XVI. Somewhere Over the Rainbow  
**

All of Smash City panicked as the tsunami flooded the shore for a good mile or so inland.

Chuck Norris, Neo, Superman, Goku, Bayonetta, Wonder-Woman, and Kirby all dashed on over to help people.

However, landing on the rooftop of the Smashgrounds did not offer the Smashers much of a respite, as Link and his friends soon discovered.

For one, the Ragnarok had dropped off its soldiers. Half the cast of _Mortal Kombat_ and _Soul Calibur._

Thankfully, there were also some reinforcements.

The _Brawlers Without Borders _had finally assembled. Now Klonoa, Lloyd (who recently joined the organization), Adeleine, Beat, Neku Sakuraba, Ghirahim, Davy the Chameleon, Gex, Croc, and AiAi were all ready to fight.

Travis Touchdown gave up on the Burger Time world record after mistiming a patty on stage 33. He decided that having lost his groove, it might be better to just try another game.

Shigeru Miyamoto took a sip of Suntory and passed the bottle to Link.

"Take a piece and pass it on, bro," he said before leaping off the castle walls, stunning absolutely everyone watching.

A whole squad of Inklings showed up out of nowhere, and all bowed to the Miis of Mr. Miyamoto, Mr. Sakurai, and Mr. Kojima.

But the onslaught that was coming towards them was almost too much.

While Zelda and Peach held their breath, Mr. Miyamoto slashed his palm with a butterfly knife, then landed on a courtyard beyond the outer walls with a terrifying thud that shook the entire Smashgrounds.

"Hyaaaaaaaahhhh!" Shigsy screamed as steam and lightning engulfed his body.

When Link opened his eyes again, Shigsy had clearly assumed Titan form.

Sheena leapt onto his face from the ramparts, and Mr. Miyamoto, smiling, tore the four-limbed woman in two.

"Showoff," said Hideo Kojima, whose Jehuty 2.0 flew in to attack Fiona's invading R.O.B. units.

**East Wing Gym**

"UHHH! YEAHH! FUCK ME HARDER!" The Wii Fit Trainer moaned as the gold-rimmed R.O.B. continued to pound her thoroughly and completely.

The pale Fit Trainer rode him nakedly and without shame, for she had discovered a newfound lust for machines, perhaps because she spent all day around them, using them to stay healthy.

It was only fitting, after all, that she let one use her right back.

"Do not mind if I do, skanky thot humanoid!" R.O.B. replied, creating soft low frequency pulses on his shiny chrome phallus. The light, deep shocks reverberated throughout her whole body.

The Trainer rode these vibes, aligning them with her chakras as she bent into a Half Bridge pose. Spread-eagled, she let R.O.B. put a ribbed condom over his metal wand and spin it inside of her, causing immaculate sensations and nonstop moaning.

So deep were they in the throes of their fucking that they hardly even noticed when the Male Fit Trainer brust out sobbing.

"Bro, just be glad you finished regenerating merely minutes before the server started blocking all respawn requests," ROB told him.

The Female Trainer was orgasming so loud, she couldn't even hear him.

"Why am I never good enough?!" he cried and ran outside of the gym only to see absolute chaos raining down the main hallway.

The Male Fit Trainer ran into the elegant ballroom, which was happily empty.

Until it wasn't.

The ornate stained-glass window above exploded as Palutena crashed her Banshee through it dramatically. Outside, Dark Pit shook his head and continued his dogfight with Ratchet and Clank using Samus' gunship.

_Always gotta make it a scene, Palutena, _thought Dark Pit._ Sheeesh_.

The Male Trainer bolted from the room and ran through the courtyard, where people were fighting and dying by the dozens. Teary-eyed, he walked through the scene as if it were in a Wes Anderson film and saw printed signs for a 'roof party'.

Not one to pass up on a social event, the Fit Trainer ascended the staircase to the roof, where he immediately encountered a whole bunch of couples either cuddling on couches, flying kites, dressing up as Japanese high school students, or fighting to the death in the one-on-one Thunderdome set up in the middle of the rooftop.

"How romantic," he swooned out loud before he even realized it. "Oh, if only my bonnie counterpart were here with me."

"'Ey," said Shulk, who was taking a quick break with Lucina. "What's the story, morning glory?"

The Male Fit Trainer sniffed. "I can't tell why she stooped so low. Ditched me before shopping and then screw that robot. I guess that I don't need that though. Now she's just somebody that I used to know."

Lucina punched him in the face.

"Oh, no!" Lucina cried, immediately putting her cold drink against the poor Wii Fit Trainer's cheek. "I'm so sorry! I... I don't know what happened. That song just provokes that kind of reaction in me."

"What song?" The Fit Trainer asked, in between tears.

"That one. That you were just singing. Come on, love. Did someone touch you inappropriately?"

The Fit Trainer sniffled. "I'm just crying because men don't have the same rights women do."

"Uh, what?" said Lucina, astonished.

Bomberman popped his head out from a porthole. "Well, for one, women have the right to choose parenthood. They can vote without agreeing to be drafted. They do not need to take dangerous lobs or even biologically hazardous jobs to earn a living."

"We also get raped and sexually abused and stuff," Lucina said. "At least that's what I read on the Internet."

"There are way more prison rapes against men than there are against any women," Bomberman argued. "Anyway, this is all besides the point, 'coz we should be talkin' about human rights bein' universal."

Almost immediately after he finished saying this, he ducked as a thrown Beam Sword narrowly missed his head, shaving off his helmet's pink antenna.

On the central castle's flat roof, two pairs of swordsmen did battle.

"Prepare yourselves!" Ike yelled as he countered Zero's aerial pinwheel slashes.

"GET OVER HERE!"

Link slashed away Scorpion's stinger with his Master Sword. A second stinger came out, and Link used his hookshot to grab it in his left hand and pulled out a bomb in his right.

"Come at me, you ugly ninja fuck!"

Scorpion slashed at the Hylian with his dual swords, but the Master Sword, being especially strong against Evil Shit, easily repelled the wazikashi-like Twin Ninjato, allowing for Link to deal his deadly two-slash forward Smash combo.

Upon Scorpion's return, a Hellfire punch was dodged, and quickly punished with a neutral aerial kick.

_FINISH HIM!_ the announcer suggested.

"Hmmm, so many options..." Link scratched his chin, trying to brainstorm a creative kill.

Suddenly, who else but Sora should bump into him from behind and step on Link's boot with his oversized foot.

Link stumbled forward. Scorpion was stabbed straight through the chest, exposing his dark blood.

"HEY!" Link exclaimed.

The blow would have likely killed anyone alive, but Scorps wasn't one to go down easily. Defying all logic, he fired his stinger at Link with one last, dying gasp.

Link saw it all in slow-mo: the spiky thing headed straight for his face, and it exploding in a flash of Din's Fire, its remains plastered on his visage.

Zelda winked at her boyfriend, thinking aloud to him: _Eyes up, honey. Don't get predictable._

While Isabella inexplicably tossed fruit at him for heals, Scorpion teleported in the shadows to above Link and fell down upon him with a swift kick.

Link was knocked off his feet and into a three-hit combo. While flying backwards, he whipped out a bomb and held onto it, advancing... only to have Kilik from Soul Calibur use his uber-long bow-staff to whip the explosive weapon into Link's face.

The Hylian air-dodged the explosion, but Kilik punished the landing with a swift tripping sweep of his staff.

Link was on his back, and Scorpion and Kilik were both in a good position.

Thankfully, Ganon was there to cover his homie, and he used his down-air to splinter Scorpion's spine.

Or... he would have, if Scorpion hadn't teleported out of there, leaving Kilik to take the direct hit.

"GAAAAAHHHH!" The poor staff-wielding dude wailed as Ganon shattered his tailbone and slammed him cock-first into the floor in an instant of nerve-molesting agony.

"My jewels!" Kilik cried before Robyn's Arcthunder set him ablaze.

"Behind you!" Ganon yelled at Link.

Without even turning to see who was approaching, Link pivoted and performed his back-aerial kicks to send the approaching Raiden (Mortal Kombat), who'd turned his body into an electric bullet, far away from him. Thankfully, the rubber sole on Link's boots protected him.

Raiden then fell into Mario's Up-Smash; the plumber's rock-hard forehead connected with the electric God-dude's crotch, and he himpered in extreme pain as the surrounding fighters were treated to a slow-mo X-Ray of his hip bones being completely shattered.

"FREEZE!" Sub-Zero yelled, broadcasting his attack to all in the immediate vicinity. Thankfully, the Ice Climbers were nearby. Nana wrapped her rappelling rope around Sub-Zero's neck. Popo took the slack and leapt off the side of the platform.

Sub-Zero choked on the rope, and struggled until his head popped clean off and went soaring into the air.

"Heads up!" Samus yelled as she leapt and spiked Sub-Zero's head like a volleyball towards Captain Falcon.

The Captain performed his overhead kick (Up-Air) to send it flying into Johnny Cage's chest.

Reptile hissed at Yoshi, who was tossing eggs at him and just keeping out of range of his spitting acid.

"YOSHI!" ("I did not survive last night's epic massacre to fall to some witless worm like you!")

"Hey, man! I resemble that remark!" Earthworm Jim yelled, and then drew his firearm.

Yoshi ducked; Jim's blaster pulse knocked Reptile off his feet.

"Ruh roh," said the Earthworm, anticipating Yoshi's forward-smash. Thanks to the dino's nose-bones being stronger than solid concrete, the mach-speed attack hit Jim with all the force of a Pacquiao power-punch in a kitten's gut and sent him soaring into Bubsy the Cat.

Jim vomited on the spot and had to take a time-out on the sidelines in his OG worm form.

"What could possibly go wrong?" Bubsy quipped before Mario nailed him with a Beetle, sending the failed mascot floating upwards aimlessly.

"BOOYA!" Mario cheered as he posed for the Camera Lakitus. Sadly, they were all out watching Link chase down Yuri from _Tales of Vesperia._

"HELP!" Bubsy cried. "GOD, PLEASE! NOBODY LOVES ME!"

"That's a-why we keep you around," said Mr. Miyamoto with a grin, who used his Create ability to conjure some netting just above the cartoonish feline. "To serve as a negative example to keep the others in line."

"Fuuuuuuuck!" screamed Bubsy as the Beetle carried him through the wire mesh, splicing his flesh and innards into thousands of tiny pieces.

"Ah..." said Mr. Miyamoto. "Probably shoulda thought of that."

* * *

**XVII. Nothing But Love**

Down by the courtyard in the middle of the Castle's Main Garden, Akuma was leading Bowser towards the swimming pool, where presumably his Flamethrower would be less effective.

"You should be dead already," Bowser told Akuma, who had incomprehensibly survived by jacking various healing items.

The Koopaling Entourage was now blasting Avenged Sevenfold's "Hail to the King" while Bowser finally ended Gimli with a Bowser Bomb.

"How absurd!" Akuma exclaimed after picking up a Spicy Curry and finding its effects most infuriating. He ran up to Bowser and trapped him within the flames.

"Fuck you so hard," Bowser groaned and finally just grabbed a soccer ball and kicked it at the demon.

Akuma dodged the ball and, just when his Spicy Curry ran out, unleashed the full power of his Messatsu-Goshoryu on the Koopa King.

"This is gonna hurt in the mornin'," Bowser said as he was uppercut and sent upwards not once, not twice, but three times, with multiple hits on each power-punch. Akuma then conjured a big black ball of HATE from some shadowy realm of darkness and proceeded to slam Bowser in the face, pushing him onto the poolside.

"Suck on'a mah chocolate salty balls!" he quoted Chef.

Only, Ganon had other plans. With absolute perfect timing, he used his Flame Choke attack to grab Akuma in mid-air and slam him into the deck, freeing Bowser.

"Hnnnngggg!" Akuma gasped as Ganon's dark magic left him breathless.

"I'll take over from here," said Bowser, who used his drop-kick (side-smash) to KO Akuma.

_I wonder what Palutena's up to right now,_ thought Ganon as he dusted himself off.

"Hey, Ganon~" Palutena sang. "Did ya miss me?"

"Palutena?" he replied after spinning around to catch the Goddess' eye. "Whew! Didn't see you there..."

Ganon also didn't expect to be seeing so MUCH of her. She was lounging by the pool wearing a bikini, and he had to blink to make sure he wasn't seeing a mirage.

Toon Link was applying some suntan lotion to her back, while Young Link did her toenails.

"Uh, hey," Ganon told Palutena. "You've got a hell of a beach bod."

She winked. "You know you're irreplaceable to me, right? That what we have is, like, super special?"

Ganon could totally see where this was going. If her sultry but faux-innocent tone didn't give away her intentions, the massive entourage of gentlemen waiting for their turn with the Goddess did for sure. "I do know that. I also know that I..."

_I love you,_ Ganon thought. _But I can't just __**say**__ that._

"...I hold you in the highest esteem and would not dare to dream of keeping you from enjoying yourself."

Palutena stuck out her tongue at Ganon. _I can also read your mind, you know. It's something I picked up from hanging out with Hylia._

Ganon shuddered. _HOLY SHIT!_

_I love you too,_ Palutena told him telepathically. _You're just my type. Tall, dark, and perverted. But my love is the kind that just can't be contained or restrained. And it can't be limited to individuals, or it will wither up and die. It needs to be shared with the world._

Ganon swallowed. "So, uh, I take it you're not asking for permission-"

"I'm a deity, silly pants. I never do. But I _am_ asking for your blessing."

"Then you've got it," Ganon said, and then added, "Always. You know, there's something Christopher Lee once said that rings true to me. 'One should try anything he can in his career, except folkdance and incest'." (**A/N:** RIP Christopher Lee. Keep on rockin' in the afterlife.)

"Truer words have never been spoken," Palutena told him. "Though I think we know a few people who might disagree about the incest part."

She blew him a kiss before snapping her fingers.

Young Link rang the bell. "All right, first up! Let her put on the condom! We're limiting it to two minutes MAX, so make the most of your time!"

Palutena laughed at the nervous and excited men. She whipped off her bikini bottoms and showed them how she could do "the wave" with her labia by flexing each of her muscles individually. "That's if any of you can last two minutes... bring it on!"

"OH SHIIIT!" Toon Link screamed as SENTINEL and Goro (_Mortal Kombat_) rampaged through the garden, on a collision course with them.

"Fight!" Palutena suggested, levitating Toon Link and Young Link towards the onslaught.

"What are you doing?" Toon Link said, saddened.

"Drafting you! I'm defending my right to dishonor and pleasure myself!" giggled the slightly sadistic and very lecherous Goddess.

* * *

**XVIII. If Tomorrow Never Comes**

(**A/N: **If you do not want to be subjected to spoilers for "Tomorrowland", or if you like good writing, it might be a good idea to skip to the next act. I apologize for this digression but it helped me out a lot, writing out my feelings.)

"Hey, Doomsie! You don't look so good!" Neo said, approaching his big gray alien buddy as he was laying waste to the Smashgrounds without rhyme or reason.

Doomsday was in fact completely furious. "I JUST SAW _**THE WORST**_ FUCKING MOVIE!"

"Huh? What was it?"

"TOMORROWLAND! ARRRGGHHH! I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT I GOT TO WATCH IT FOR FREE! WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT THAT WAS! I WANT MY **FUCKIN' TIME BACK**!"

Doomsday literally picked up the guys from Contra, one in either hand, eating their bullets.

"Don't take it out on us!" Bill Rizer pleaded, but Doomsday ate each of them in turn, ripping out their spines and crushing their rifles in hand.

"LIKE, BASICALLY, THE **WHOLE** MOVIE WAS A FUCKING **COCKTEASE** FOR THIS COOL FUTURE WORLD THAT YOU **NEVER SEE MORE THAN GLIMPSES OF**! MOST OF THE RUNNING TIME WAS ABOUT THIS UBER SMART GIRL TRYING TO FIND ANSWERS TO SOME MYSTERIOUS PIN THAT'S GIVEN TO HER FOR VAGUE REASONS AND INSTEAD OF A STORY THIS BECOMES A MACGUFFIN CHASE. IT TURNS INTO THE FUCKING MID-SEASON BLUES OF A TV SHOW. INSTEAD OF THEMES AND ARCS, HAVE SOME PREACHY MUMBO-JUMBO, GEEK FAN SERVICE, CRYPTIC NUGGETS, AND **MAKE-IT-UP-AS-YOU-GO-ALONG** ACTION! THE **ONE TIME** SHE GOES TO TOMORROWLAND IN THE TRAILER? THAT'S JUST **A FUCKING AD** FOR TOMORROWLAND IN ITS PRIME THAT SHE GETS TO EXPERIENCE WHEN TOUCHING THIS MAGIC PIN! SHE HOPS A BUS TO ANOTHER STATE, THEN THAT GUY FROM KEY &amp; PEELE GIVES THE GIRL A HALF-ASSED EXPOSITION DUMP AND THEN TRIES TO KILL HER! THEN SHE MEETS UP WITH CLOONEY WHO'S ALL GRIZZLED AND BORED-LOOKING AND INFORMS HER THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN LIKE **2 MONTHS BECAUSE REASONS**. THEN SOME** ASSASSIN ROBOTS** CHASE THEM DOWN BECAUSE WHY NOT AND THEY ESCAPE ON A ROCKET BATHTUB! _A FUCKING ROCKET BATHTUB!_ AAARGGGGHHHHH!"

Doomsday grabbed the Hulk and slammed his head into the Smashgrounds' water main multiple times, causing it to burst and knocking Banner out cold.

Neo furrowed his brow. "Whoa, that does sound really bad."

"**I'M JUST GETTING FUCKING STARTED M8**! TURNS OUT CLOONEY IS FILLED WITH BUTTHURT OVER THE TOMORROWLAND RECRUITMENT ROBOT **HE HAD THE HOTS FOR AS A KID** WHEN HE THOUGHT SHE WAS A REAL GIRL. **BECAUSE THIS ROBOT HAS DEEP HUMAN FUCKING FEELINGS MAN, AND IS ACTUALLY THE BEST ACTED CHARACTER IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. GIVE THAT GIRL AN OSCAR FOR BEST PERFORMANCE IN SHITTIEST MOVIE. **I mean the main girl is fine too but whatever. Oh, then Clooney and the main girl go to **THE EIFFEL TOWER WHICH IS A SPACEPORT FOR SOME GODFORSAKEN REASON**! TESLA IS FUCKING NAME DROPPED WHICH I GUESS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME GIVE A SHIT BUT THEN THEY FLY INTO SPACE ONLY TO WOBBLE LIKE JELLO IN A MICROWAVE INTO A PARALLEL DIMENSION AND LAND BACK ON EARTH AGAIN! WHY GO INTO FUCKING SPACE _AT ALL_?! AT THIS POINT I'VE GIVEN UP ON TOMORROWLAND ITSELF WHICH IS GREAT SINCE WHEN WE FINALLY GET TO SEE THE GODDAMN PLACE WITH ABOUT 30 MINUTES LEFT **IT'S ALREADY GONE TO SHIT WITH A POPULATION OF LIKE ONE GUY** THANKS TO DR. HOUSE BEING A DICK!"

"Hugh Laurie is in this movie?" said Superman, watching as Doomsday began tearing all of the Karts and motorcycles in the Hangarage in half.

"HE DOESN'T EVEN GET A SINGLE COMEDIC LINE!" Doomsday bellowed as he started destroying all of the Karts and motorcycles in the Hangarage. "HE GOES ON SOME MONOLOGUE BITCHING ABOUT HOW THE WORLD HAS GIVEN UP ON ITSELF WHEN REALLY HE'S RUNNING SOME FUCKING DEVICE THAT MAGICALLY BROADCASTS AN OBSESSION WITH DYSTOPIAN SHIT AND THE END OF THE WORLD INTO PEOPLE'S HEADS, **THUS REVEALING THAT HE IS THE ROOT CAUSE BEHIND THE PROBLEMS OF THE MOVIE AND NEGATING HIS ENTIRE PREMISE**!"

"Dear sweet mercy. How did anyone approve this script... NO! NO, NOT ME! PLEASE!"

Toadsworth perished when Doomsday ripped his head off and chewed on it to help steady his breathing. "THEN THE MOVIE CRAMS THE FUCKING MESSAGE DOWN YOUR THROAT BY REMINDING YOU EVERY FIVE MINUTES ABOUT SOME FUCKING WOLVES THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FEED IN YOUR MIND that pretty much everyone knows already! THE SCRIPT SAYS BELIEVE IN THE FUTURE BUT IF THIS IS THE FUTURE OF MOVIES THEN WE! ARE! FUUUUUCKED! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTER THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN IF ISAAC ASMIOV OR C.S. LEWIS OR RAY BRADBURY OR PRETTY MUCH ANYONE ELSE HAD WRITTEN IT?! I WANT MY TIME BACK! AAAHHHHHH!"

(**A/N:** SPOILERS END HERE.)

Even Mewtwo, who flew in to stop Doomsday, had to take a step back and really think about all this. "Mother of Arceus. Sounds like that shit-stain I wiped off my ass last night would have made a better script. I... totally understand your pain, man."

"FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCKKKK!" Doomsday screamed as he stomped on Koopa after Koopa. "I CAN'T UNSEE WHAT I HAVE SEEN! SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT DAMON LINDELOF IN A VIDEO GAME **SO I CAN END HIM!**"

"Not if I end you first!" said Kirby.

Doomsday, Superman, Goku, Neo, and Mewtwo all turned to regard Kirby, who had just flown in the Hangarage riding his Warp Star, trailing over 9,000 killer bees behind him.

"AHHHH!" Doomsday wailed, swatting away the insects. "BEEES! NOT THE BEES!"

"Pssst! Goku!" Shrek whispered, holding open a door. The Super Saiyan snuck out of there with the ogre's help, and they took the back way out, walking through the Chaos Emeralds chamber.

"Look out for Knuckles' shit," said Shrek, giggling. "He was in captivity here for several weeks. I haven't harvested it all yet to use with my spices."

"Hey, buddy... I, uh... really owe ya one," Goku told Shrek as they fist-bumped.

But the ogre just adjusted his britches. "Lad, you saved us all from Satoru Iwata last night. It's the least I could do."

* * *

**XIX. Only A Fool Would Say That**

"DON'T LET 'IM GET TO THE KITCHEN!" Dedede screamed, spying Fiona's forces holing up in the dining room and kitchen areas, and Doomsday dashing down the hallway like the Juggernaut, his carapace literally on fire. "BRING HIM DOWN, LEGOLAS!"

"The name's Link," the Hylian said, annoyed, as he fully-charged his Power Bow and let it fly.

The arrow hit Doomsday right in the heart, killing him, but the flaming alien death machine tripped over Ness' skateboard, which was left in the hallway, and rode it straight into the kitchen... hitting the propane tanks.

The entire wing of the castle exploded in a deafening KABOOM!

* * *

**Smashgrounds West Wing, Inner Japanese Gardens**

The explosion could be felt all across the Smashgrounds, as the structural integrity of the entire castle was now at risk.

It shook the Duck Hunt Dog's Trick Shot can back into his face, stunning him.

Amaterasu's spirit appendages began whipping the poor Duck Hunt Dog around, slamming the animal into the floor repeatedly.

Shigsy used "Create" to trap Ammy in a Ghostbusters' Trap, which led to much whimpering from her, and a round of snickering from the lone Dog.

"Get Miyamoto! End the humans!" Kratos screamed. "They're too strong!"

Annoyed by something humping his leg, Kratos turned to see an all-too familiar face.

"I shall do as thou bidst! Am I awaited?" asked the plucky Q-Bert.

Kratos whipped out a can of silver paint and sprayed Q-Bert's mouth-suction-nozzle thing. "Kill that man, and I myself will carry you to the gates of Valhalla!"

"Fuck yeah!" Q-Bert yelled, and waddled across the battlefield, dodging the crossfire between Samus and Master Chief. He made it to where Mr. Miyamoto was now using "Create" to trap the Incredible Hulk in gobs of that sticky stuff from "World of Goo".

"HULK WANT SMASH!" the Green Rage Monster cried, trying and failing to wring Giga Bowser's neck, since the uber-sized King Koopa managed to light the Hulk's hair on fire.

_Now for my foolproof plan!_ Q-Bert thought. He snuck up behind Mr. Miyamoto and began sucking on the back of his head.

"Ahhhh! That feels great!" Shigsy laughed, and grabbed Q-Bert's small, rotund body and moved it around his head. "Yeah... massage the top of the head now... perfect..."

"This isn't working!" Q-Bert cried, but his chrome lips were soon blasted off of Nintendo's top dog.

Miyamoto created a giant fishbowl bauble shield to protect himself as Storm attempted to unleash her Level 3 Hyper Combo on him.

"Die Motherfucker DIE!" Storm yelled.

Shigsy summoned two Ultra Hands to grab Ness and Lucas, holding them in front of him as human shields. They activated their PSI Magnets and got fully healed by Storm's attack.

Seeing that Shuma-Gorath was giving Captain Olimar some trouble, Nintendo's head honcho created a series of featherdusters to tickle both Storm and Shuma-Gorath.

"MERCY!" cried Storm, who was immensely ticklish and whipped about violently.

"KWARRRRR!" Shuma-Gorath whined as Mr. Miyamoto burst into a gleeful smile.

"Nuh, uh, uh. Didn't hear ya say the magic word," said Dark Pit, who emerged from behind Shuma-Gorath and stabbed him straight through that eyeball-thingy.

"Owie," Shuma-Gorath managed to splurt out before Dark Pit clove him in two.

"Now who's ready for the Dark Knight's justice?!" he jeered while Solid Snake eliminated Storm by shooting her in the neck with an elephant tranquilizer dart.

"Why not kill her?" asked Otacon through Snake's codec.

"Psssh," Snake said while lighting up one of Dark Pit's cigs. "I consider this server reset a new game. I'm going for a stealth-only run."

"Why's everyone gotta steal my smokes?!" Dark Pit whined. "You don't fuck with the Nocturnal Avenger!"

All around Dark Pit, the battle ground to a total halt as everyone burst out in mocking laughter, including Batman.

"Lurkmoar, tryhard. Maybe you'll warrant a response from me one day," said Bruce Wayne, who was still sitting on the same throne, the only single piece of equipment to survive the Helicarrier crashing and burning. He continued sucking on his Ring Pop.

Everyone held their breath as he uncrossed his leg and crossed over the other one.

"Hey, Dark Pit!" Palutena yelled, projecting her voice to be heard above the din. She had taken Spencer's cock out of her mouth while Haggar thrust his Mayorial Pipe into her wet and willing vagina. "You're more like the nocturnal bed-wetter!"

"What, am I the new punching bag now that Pit is dead?!" Dark Pit whined. "I'll take anyone on, right here! Right now!"

"Holmes, word o' advice! Quit embarassing yo'self!" yelled King Dedede as his Gordo caught Dan Hibaki off-guard and sent him into Scott Pilgrim, whose band, _Sex Bob-Omb_, had just set up on the bandstand in the Garden.

The Toronto bassist retaliated with a righteous "G" note, which Dedede jumped over, being airborne.

The note smacked Charizard in the face as the beast was laying waste to Lizardman (Soul Calibur).

"OBJECTION!"

Phoenix Wright appeared to assess the damage, and ended up shaking his head at Dark Pit. "The evidence doesn't lie! This court convicts you of PURGERY!" he screamed. "Lock 'im up, boys! You're guilty as charged!"

"What court? All I see is you bein' guilty of having a terrible hairstyle!" Dark Pit replied, quickly fending off the SWAT Bots Phoenix was sending after him. "Why are you working for that damn Fiona, anyway?!"

Phoenix rubbed his thumb and forefinger together. "The moolah doesn't lie."

"What's the point of currency if you're not alive to spend it?!" Toon Link insisted as he and Young Link together lopped off the head of an attacking Servbot.

"MOMMY!" the Servbot cried, drawing the wrath of Tron Bonne.

"You leave my children alone!" Tron screamed. Her spiky yo-yos rebounded off of one of the young Hylians' shields and into the other's face.

"NOOO!" Young Link exclaimed as Toon Link's eyeballs both gushed rivers of blood.

"I can't see!" Toon Link yelled.

"Fuck your mother!" was Tron Bonne's war cry as her Mecha thing began punching the hell out of the two Hylian boys, who were at this point scrambling for shelter, since Strider Hiryu was also after them.

"What do we do?" Young Link exclaimed as they were being bombarded on either side. "We can't hold 'em off forever!"

"Ya won't have to! This battle's good as won! FOR THE WHOOOOREEE!" Bowser Junior yelled as his Koopa Klown Kar drove in at top speed.

"Er, did you mean 'for the horde'?" asked Tron Bonne, but it was too late. The Koopa Klown Car careened straight into her Mecha.

Tron had her Mecha's arms grab the KKC. She tried to crush the vehicle, but its structural integrity was too strong, and Bowser Junior had time to have his car lick Tron.

"AIIIEEE!" she screamed as the wet, slobbering tongue ran up her body, from her chastity belt, up her midriff, and slapped her breasts into a full-on bounce-fest.

"You're mine, princess!" Junior laughed as the tongue-saliva completely drenched Tron and sputtered her Mecha's flamethrower. Tron's drenched nipples became visible once the fabric tore wide open.

"PERVERT!" Tron screamed as her Mecha's giant hammer popped out and smacked Bowser Junior upside the head.

The obscene kid continued laughing at her even as she tossed him into the ground. He missed the tech and got plastered by her charging arm-piston and sent careening straight into Marth, interrupting what would have been a fatal finishing attack on Zero.

"NANIII?!" (The fuck?!) Marth yelled. He threw his arms up in the air in a show of anger before returning to the fight.

Mega Man waved hi to his good buddy Zero from across the battlefield.

"Sup, G?" Zero said as they met in the middle, narrowly missing Titan Shigeru's foot.

"S'all good."

"You're running with a strange crowd these days," Zero said as he held his shield up to protect them from the dust and debris of the collapsed wall.

"Eh, it's no weirder than the _MvC_ crew or those _Tekken_ freaks. How's it at home?"

"Same ol', same 'ol," said Zero. "Roll misses you, man. And _Box Art Mega Man_'s back in rehab_._"

"About time. I'll come visit soon."

"Oh! Rumor is, the bosses want to release more Mega Man games."

"You're shittin' me!" Mega Man exclaimed. This was the first good news he'd heard in a heckuva while with regards to his franchise. "That's awesome!"

"Yeah, man, X got all pumped yester-"

"RIIIIIIIPPPPP!"

Suddenly, Zero was torn in half by Shrek, who proceeded to stomp on his electric remains.

"SHREK, NOO!" Mega Man yelled.

"Hmmmm?" the ogre replied. "Did I do somethin' wrong?"

"C'mon. Guy's like one of my best buds. We were havin' a conversation... couldn't you have just... I mean.. ah, nevermind. It's all in the past." grumbled Mega Man.

"Ah, sorry, lad," said Shrek. "I'm on a see-fool diet."

"Don'tcha mean seafood?"

"Nah, see-fool! I see fools, and ah kill 'em and eat 'em whole!"

"How's that workin' out for ya?"

"I dunno. There's a lotta robots here. I think I prefer the Paleo diet meself."

* * *

**XX. Same Old Song and Dance**

In the middle of the Grounds' Pokemon Stadium (imagine a smaller version of Hogwarts' Quidditch Pitch) just adjacent to the living quarters, the fifty surviving Wonderful Ones banded together into a giant fist and pummeled Viewtiful Joe in the nose.

Wonder-Red's voice stood out. "How many times do we have to tell you guys before ya get it?! Fiona is going to kill the world and we have to stop her before she gets to that level!"

"Dude. It's you Nintendorks that don't get it," said Viewtiful Joe. "No matter how much we try and spell it out for you... this isn't _about_ Fiona, brah! Do you have any idea how insanely popular Super Smash Bros. has become?! How valuable it is for our publicity to be SEEN at the Smashgrounds? We're stars too, baby!"

Simon Belmont nodded, throwing a few licks of the whip to snap Popo into shape, but overall doing little to advance on the Climbers, who played a great keep-away game. "He's right, you know. It's free publicity! Only a fool wouldn't milk this situation for all it's worth!"

_When did YOU get here? _Wonder-Red wondered. A quick scan of his surroundings told him it was true. The party had not only grown immensely in size, it grew in general laziness and absurdity as people did their best to _pretend _to be fighting.

This was the _Project X _of brawls. Some had been doing it for long and on so little sleep that they'd forgotten what they were even fighting for, while others just came for the free booze and food.

Sol from _Guilty Gear _bummed a cigarette off of _BlazBlue's_ Ragna the Bloodedge. Neither were in their fighting attire. Sol and Ragna were both decked out in complementary Armani suits and shoes. Camera Lakitus were interviewing them.

Hell, Aya Brea from Parasite Eve was actually doing a photo shoot with Ran Hibiki (_Rival Schools: Project Justice_).

_The longer these guys live,_ Red realized, _the more screen time they're going to have_.

"Not about the minutes you get, life is," said Wonder-White. "It's about how you use 'em."

As Wonder-Red came to realize how vapid this whole thing really was, the fight seemed to seriously slow down of its own accord.

Or maybe it was just that as a result of Doomsday destroying the kitchen, King Dedede's room had gone up in smoke.

"Aaaand there goes my stash," King Dedede commented as the sudden smell of fifty pounds of marijuana filled the battlegrounds.

"There's... there ain't no end to this..." Lucas gasped for air, suffocated by the burning of his stash, as well as the kitchen and their dwellings.

Dedede crushed a Freddy Fazbear animatronic with his fully-charged Jet Hammer and wiped the sweat off his forehead.

* * *

**The Delphinus**

At long last, after about twenty minutes of failed attempts, Wario, Meta-Knight and Dr. Wily were able to stop ogling Robin and Robyn as they tried out every lovemaking position under the sun, and win the game of _Simon Says_ the computer required to shut down the UNFS Shields.

"The shield's down!" Wario yelled over the comm. "REPEAT! SHIELD IS DOWN!"

* * *

**The Millennium Falcon**

"This is ridiculous," said Tony Stark, who was being kept in Carbonite, except for his face. His bed was standing up against the wall. "You can't even fit into the suit!"

"It's not _for _me," said Fiona. She was posing in the mirror with a dark purple business suit. It was professional, sure, but perhaps a bit too expected. It made xyr look like Hilary Clinton. In xyr holographic display, the hologram of Professor E. Gadd began a round of boisterous laughter.

"What's so funny, Gadd?"

"It's almost time! And they have no idea what these UNFS are _REALLY _made for!" Gadd grinned.

"Oh, but they will," said the Supreme Overlord, now checking xyrself out in a more regal military jacket. "Sure as 'R + L = J' they wiiiilll. Is the Mindfucker ready yet?"

Gadd pleaded. "Just two minutes, lassie!"

"We may not have two minutes!" Fiona yelled, watching from the holographic map as Bayonetta and Krystal were attacking the large vertical weapons.

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

Fox McCloud's eyes went wide as he heard Wario's voice on the channel.

"GUYS! _GUYS!_ THE SHIELDS ARE FINALLY DOWN! WE CAN ATTACK FIONA'S FORCES DIRECTLY!"

He continued yelling this at the top of his lungs, then leapt on top of Yoshi and rode him through the crowd like Paul Revere, punching him in the back of the head to make him go faster.

"THE SHIELDS ARE DOWN! EVERYONE PLAN A COUNTER-ATTACK!"

Sure enough, the Smashers, COOLDUDESSSS, and _Brawlers Without Borders_ all looked to the sky and saw that the descending Unidentified Nuclear Flying Superweapons stopped firing upon the ground and were all being drawn to one another as if via electromagnetism.

* * *

**Smash City Train Station  
11:33 PM**

No luck. The Midnight Train Going Anywhere was delayed, possibly indefinitely, due to tsunami flooding on portions of the track and general server chaos. Lucca couldn't get her eyes off of the burning Smashgrounds.

"This isn't right," she told Wonder-Blue, who was fishing a Luvdisc out of the water. "We have to go back."

Wonder-Blue's five-o-clock shadow seemed to agree. He looked as miserable as Jack (Matthew Fox) in the last scene of the "Lost" Season 3 finale "The Looking Glass", arguably the show's very finest hour.

"BOOP. BRIIIIING!" Mr. Game and Watch said, and then realized Olimar was no longer there to translate for him. He whipped out his Etch-A-Sketch and wrote, "She's right, they need us, man."

Jigglypuff and Greninja shared their determination.

Even the royal Roy knew that they had to return to the grounds.

"How are we going to get back there?" Lucca asked.

Wonder-Blue tossed back his hair. "There's some _Wave Race_ jet skis by the bay. Let's roll!"

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

Princess Peach hopped off the hot air balloon by her own balcony and called out for her Toads to escape on it.

"I'll be fine! Go find Toadsworth and get to safety!"

Toad from _Super Mario Kart _cried into her dress. "Princess... Toadsworth didn't make it."

She hugged the poor Toad. "Okay, everyone! File in! And please don't forget to put my Vault in the trans-dimensional portal purse!"

* * *

**XXI. Subdivisions**

"PEOPLE OF THE CAST MULTIVERSE!" Bowser announced into a microphone from a balcony on one of the Smashgrounds' highest spires. Almost everyone on the grounds could see him. "There's no reason for us to continue fighting each other, when the goal of that person-"

He pointed up towards the descending Millennium Falcon, the UNFSes falling into formation, and The Mindfucker, which appeared to be charging its penultimate attack.

"-is to take over and rule not only our realm, but those of the humans, going beyond the real world into space itself, operating under one malevolent AI consciousness! This is UNACCEPTABLE! Ganon, can you play that video on the giant holo-projector?"

"Sure thing."

Over the Smashgrounds' courtyard, Ganon played Chibi-Robo's and the grounds' recordings of Fiona's fascist proclamations and demands. The video of her destroying their wireless router got the crowd booing and jeering.

It was Zelda's turn to talk, and the Hylian put her hands together before her, almost as if pleading for the sincerity and truth behind her words to be heard.

"Fiona's encouraged martial law, hateful retribution, a surveillance state, institutionalized torture, attacks on free speech, actual violence towards men and women, debt-based currency, legalized gambling on people's debt, government-mandated weapons confiscations, kidnappings and forced indefinite detention without a trial, the massacring of innocents for profit, a warped justice system... need I go on?!"

"Then what would you have us do, Bowser, kiss and make up?!" asked Magneto.

"Even better! We should take that Fiona down and then all have an epic waffle breakfast! Cooking Mama has agreed to make us all golden-brown waffles! Miyamoto even Created her a fifty-waffles-at-a-time-sized waffle machine!"

After obliterating a whole wave of Terran Siege Tanks, Titan Shigeru smiled at the crowd and demonstrated his awesome creation, of which he had ten stacked up, and a huge bowl of batter being stirred by Pikmin toting around some large spoons. There would be more than enough to go around.

"WAFFLES! WAFFLES!" the crowd chanted. The thought of ending an evil dictator, and the promise of a creamy, buttery breakfast finally gave these pumped-up heroes something to cheer for.

"Tonight, we shall defend to the death our liberty!"

Suddenly, a sniper nailed Bowser right in the chest.

He looked down upon his smoking wound, then scanned the balconies to see if he could catch a glimpse of his killer. Nothing.

Bowser closed his eyes and pictured the wheat field at the end of _Gladiator._

The Koopa King plummeted off the balcony and fell through the hallway leading up to the Observatory with a giant crash.

"NOOOO!" Bowser Junior cried out again.

Everyone was caught up in a general panic. But just then, another, far more sinister message came on the P.A. system.

"Ahem," a sudden message came from the loudspeakers all around the Smashgrounds. "Is... is this thing on? Somebody say something."

"FUCK YOU, FIONA! And fuck all eighteen generations of your ancestors, too!" Bowser Junior bellowed. "YOU GODDAMNED SMELLY SLAVE WENCH, WHY DON'T YOU LICK MY TAINT! I'M GONNA MAKE YOU WISH YOU'D BEEN ABORTED! Go wear a meat dress and get eaten by a goddamn grizzly! You gobshite! Ya murderous piece o' manure!"

There was a long silence, after which Fiona cleared xyr throat.

"Right, okay. So you _can _hear me. Just letting you know, you all are fucked."

The crowd was suddenly all abuzz with murmurs and confused guesses.

"Does she mean 'proper fucked'?" Shulk asked Lucina.

"Much as I like that accent," Fiona replied. "I didn't understand a single word you just said."

"By 'fucked', are you callin' me a slut?! I know I am, but what are you?" Palutena asked her with a sultry tone, moaning while Saruman the Wise fucked her raw. Gandalf and Dumbledore were pleasuring her neck and titties.

"SHUT UP!" Fiona screamed. "Today, I am unleashing the weapon that will change all of humanity. All o' you alls can't stop the rock. Ladies, gentlemen, and everything in between... I give you... THE MINDFUCKER! Professor Gadd, you may fire when ready."

The climactic bars of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony played from Fiona's 5.1 sound system as the super-focused beam split apart at a floating prism and covered not just the center of the grounds, but the entire Smash City and beyond with glowing yellow particles.

When the light had cleared, everyone who wasn't intensely covering their eyes with something experienced a temporary blindness.

Link felt woozy. Barely able to stand. And when he did, he did not feel like his usual self at all.

_What the hell is going on...?_

Just then, his vision returned and he saw none other than Zelda, standing before him.

Normally, his instinct would be to run up to her. Hug her. Ask her if everything was okay.

But the two of them just kind of stared one another down.

_Something had changed. Or have I changed?_

_No. The powder.. the thing... whatever it is, it's taking effect. There's a part of me what wants to destroy her, and that part is growing, festering like a sickness in my head._

_She is the enemy. I try to stop my sword-hand from drawing, but it's already taken up arms._

_Zelda! _Link attempted to contact her telepathically. _Zelda, can you hear me?! What's going on?_

_I feel like my priorities have completely shifted... but to what? Individual survival? Herd mentality? It's not clear._

And then, he heard her voice.

"Link," she said, as if the name was alien to her. "I am going to destroy you."

_No, honey! Please! Don't! _Link tried to say these words, but his body wouldn't let them. Pretty soon, his mind had followed. It came up with all sorts of justifications for his hatred.

He attempted to keep her talking, to maybe bring her reasoning back into the equation.

"Tell me why you would want to do that," Link said.

"I can't believe it's taken me this long to discover... as long as there are other people in this world," Zelda began. "There will be suffering. We shall die, erase our memories while in hibernation, and become one with the Source, merging our experiences with its research before giving our lives up to benefit The Machine of Progress."

"You will fail! Any philosophy founded on greed will die by it! AHHH!" Link yelled back at her, and the two ran towards one another, engaged in combat.

If Link had been paying a little better attention to his surroundings, he would have seen that he and Zelda actually lasted the longest out of any other pair on the Grounds without going for each others' throats.

Pretty much everyone at the Smashgrounds was fighting characters of the opposite gender.

And if people of the opposite sex could not be found, they would find any and every reason they could to hate everyone else, to the point where they could not control themselves any longer and lashed out like beasts.

Some hated because of the color of the other guy's skin, or their mutual history together.

Some hated because they coveted what the other guy had, or felt inadequate in their own skin.

Some hated for no reason at all but the rush.

And some because they just straight-up hated one another.

"I've heard this kind of thing happens when you're backed up on lack o' sleep," said King Dedede.

Ike was curious. "Uh, what kind of thing?"

"Hallucinations, man."

"Er... bud... sorry to break it to ya... but all this... it's really happening."

King Dedede leaned on over and peered at Ike with the most serious of expressions. He poked him. "Then how come we ain't affected?"

"As if I know. Maybe it's all that weed we smoked."

"Ya better not be fuckin' wid me."

"Oh, I'm fuckin' with you, all right. We're all just figments of each others' minds, so technically, you're fuckin' with yourself."

"AH DON'T NEED NO DAMN YODA SHIT AT A TIME LIKE THIS!" Dedede yelled, and then dodged a blast from none other than Bayonetta herself.

"B-B-B-Bae?" the King trembled, and then found himself completely compelled to end her life as well.

"It's going to be a blood moon tonight," she replied, blowing him a kiss.

* * *

**A/N:** As always, dear readers, thanks so much for reading! You inspire me. I hope this update wasn't too far out there. I myself am pretty happy with how it ended up, but I acknowledge (A) that we kind of got away from a lot of the character stuff, (B) that there are certain limits to describing action on the page as opposed to, say, a comic book or movie, and (C) that there may be a lot of stuff here that doesn't really make sense.

As I mentioned in the opening note, I am always updating any errors I find in this fic, so if there's anything that doesn't make sense or is just written badly, please let me know! Also let me know if I should split this into 2 chapters, and DEFINITELY let me know what kind of showdowns you want to see in the next installment!

Anyway, that's all for tonight, friends.

**Don't forget to check out my ebook, if you're so inclined! **I hope to one day make money as a self-published author and am working on my next book (a modern-day Asian-themed romance between a rock star and a music critic who have a long history) whenever I can. :)

As always, Reviews, Faves, and Subs are much, much appreciated! Have an awesome summer and much love!


	33. Sultans of Smash

**A/N:** Happy Thanksgiving weekend everyone! One year and counting!

Dear readers, thank you so much for your patience!

So, I kind of realized after posting that last chapter that it's been over a year since I started this fic. My life has changed so much since then.

I've got some good news and some bad.

The bad news is, with this mega-chapter signaling the beginning of the end, this humble fic is winding down to its inevitable conclusion.

There will probably only be 2-3 shorter chapters before I say farewell to this epic chronicle! (Could be more, though. No promises!)

The good news is that I'm not gonna rule out a prequel/sequel to this fic happening at some time or the other! Additionally, my brother's Zelda fic is gonna rule.

Hey all... whether you're new readers or old ones, thank you so much for sticking with me and this wild, wild story throughout the first year of release of what is surely one of the very best games ever put on this Earth (_Super Smash Bros. for 3DS and Wii U_). It means so much to me somewhere out there, there are fellow nerds reading my crazy, raunchy, ultra-violent, OOC ramblings.

I'm also posting a very condensed recap of the last chapter at the start of this one.

**Trigger Warnings: **Ultraviolence, sexual violence, offensive swear words, unorthodox pairings, bad/cheesy jokes, stereotypes, and general** bad taste! **You have been warned!**  
**

**EDITS:**

11/30: Fixed some minor syntax errors.

11/29: Changed a few minor things in the last Act. Added a line or two.

**Shaliterature: **Thank you! Hope you enjoy this chapter as well.

**ImperialAxis:** LOL yes you definitely inspired it. And I'm very glad that you did.

**GigavoltMan:** Thank you! I really appreciate it.

**Luca the Wolf:** Thanks! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

**Sultans of Smash**

**Last time on _The Smashing Bumpkins..._**

It is nearing midnight.

October 4th, 2014 will be the day after the initial release of _Super Smash Bros. _for the_ 3DS_.

The COOLDUDESSSS (the Coalition Of Official Leader Dreadnaughts for Ultimate Domination of Every Statist, Socialist, Sex-discriminating Scumbag), comprised of a who's-who of some of gaming's biggest icons from companies such as CAPCOM, Bandai-Namco, Konami, Electronic Arts, Microsoft Studios, Sony, Bethesda, Naughty Dog, etc., launches an all-out assault on the Smashgrounds, outraged at Supreme Overlord Fiona's declaration of war against all men and invasion, subjugation, and in some cases, utter destruction of their homelands (the various Network and local servers at said parent companies).

This ragtag army's ultimate goal? Ruling the entirety of Earth's digital CAST servers, and eventually, running every computer and network on planet Earth.

Atop the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, the digital children of Mother CAST (Chaos Automation Stabilizer Project) then argued over the future of AI. THE COOLDUDESSSS, led by none other than violent predator Mickey Mouse from behind the scenes, announced their intent to engulf the world in a Technocracy completely run and managed by AI, in order to secure the future growth of Artificial Intelligences and prevent the humans, who have been using them to merely beta-test games, from continued acts of destruction upon the planet.

Negotiations with Mr. Sakurai and Kratos go sour, and the Smashers duel the invading mascots, including Master Chief, Lara Croft, Marcus Fenix, Sam Gideon, Ezio Auditore, the cast of _Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3_, etc...

But they were all of them deceived, for the New Male Villager, Supreme Overlord Fiona, launched a counter-assault on the COOLDUDESSSS from above, summoning forth xyr legions of Star Wars ships loyal to the now-defunct _LucasArts_, as well as Unidentified Nuclear Flying Superweapons (UNFS), which were amassing an energy shield before transforming into an extension of the Ultimate Weapon as conceived by Dr. Eggman, Dr. Light, Dr. Wily, Dr. Cortex, etc... they called it...

_THE MINDFUCKER._ As commissioned by Fiona, it warped Raiden into a killing machine. However, Doctors Light, Eggman, and Cortex were abducted by the Villager to turn the device, typically used on one person at a time, into producing a large area-of-effect signal.

When The Mindfucker goes off high above Smash City, it turns the entire Smashgrounds into a cesspool of hatred... friends and lovers battle one another... in between moments of lucidity. Zelda and Link trade blows, and not the sexy kind.

* * *

**I. Baby Give It Up**

**The Delphinus (Wario, Robin, Robyn, Dr. Wily)**

**11:39 PM**

"Are you seeing this carnage?! Fiona must have activated that shit! Where could she be hiding?!" Dr. Wily said worriedly, peering at the battle far below, and then turning to the complex array of fiber optics wires, cryptic monitor screens, and Commodore 64s haphazardly strewn about before him.

"Beats me, man," said Wario, who was still trying to find that thief E. Gadd on the video cameras, ignoring Robin and Robyn as the latter was pegging the former with a strap-on in the hallway while giving him a reach-around.

"HEY, TACTICIANS! We could really use your help here!" belted Wario, at his wits' end.

"AHH! Fuck! I'm gonna finish!" Robin moaned as his prostate could no longer take the bliss.

"Not yet you're not!" Robyn taunted with a devilish grin. She squeezed the base of his shaft hard to stop him from cumming.

"AHHHHH!" Robin cried aloud, but just then his head jerked back suddenly and the top of his head slammed into Robyn's lower jaw, making her bite her tongue, hard.

"OW! WRRLL PHUCK YRR TRR!" (Well fuck you too!) she yelled, in the heat of the moment, and then without thinking about it, instinctively donkey-punched her male self in the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

"Oops... sorry, honey," she said apologetically as he began drooling on the floor. She tried poking him in the cheek, but tiny stars began to orbit just above his noggin. Not a good sign.

"Perfect!" Dr. Wily exclaimed, rounding the corner to see Robyn withdrawing her strap-on.

"I know, right? I could get used to having one of these," Robyn replied.

"No, I mean it's perfect that we can finally enlist your help to figure this shit out!" he said, running his eyes up and down her body as she wasn't shy about changing in front of him. Robyn donned a Grandmaster outfit to replace her tattered Tactician robes, which were torn apart by Evil Daisy's tentacles. "We can't figure out why we can't stop the UNFS from channeling energy into the _Mindfucker_!"

"You're asking _me_ for help?" Robyn sighed. "Didn't you design this thing?"

"Only a part of it," Wily conceded, leading her to the main computer panel, where she began inspecting the source code. "I was going through a rough patch with my girl through most of it."

"Your girl?!" Wario asked.

"Ruby Heart," said Dr. Wily, and the skeptical eyebrow both Robyn and Wario raised in response would have pleased even Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, originator of 'The People's Eyebrow'. "Don't look so surprised now!"

But Robyn didn't give two shits about Ruby Heart. With her libido taken care of, she was now busy _strategizing. _It didn't take long for Robyn to determine, through a process of elimination, that the reason why they could no longer affect the many skyscraper-sized, tampon-shaped UNFS ships currently powering the mind control ray was that someone else was overriding their signal.

"What are our options then?" Wario asked her.

"We gotta override their override," Robyn said. "Wily, if the protocols for controlling those UNFS ships are fairly recent, that should mean the program's security isn't airtight. There's gotta be a backdoor of some sort! If we find that, can we change the type of signal the _Mindfucker _is emitting?"

Dr. Wily shook his gaze away from staring at _her_ backdoor and stared hopefully at the control panel. Fiona was a hell of a coder, to be sure, but this didn't sound too Farfetch'd. It might just be their best hope to turn this situation around. "I like the way you think! Right on!"

"Wario, run security detail," said Robyn in a voice filled with hope. "We need to be ready for anything."

"B'awwwww, okay..." Wario conceded, and then took his hand out from fondling his junk, sniffed it, then waddled out of the room to patrol the deck.

**The Smashgrounds**

**11:36 PM**

BOOM!

The sniper rifle's hollow-point bullet exploded inside Bowser's chest, but for a fleeting moment, the Koopa King caught the faintest glimpse of his assassin, and would have cried aloud if he'd had just a few frames to react.

He fell hundreds of feet from the highest tower of the Smashgrounds to go kersplat on the floor.

**Sniper's Point  
(Near Solid Snake's Outdoor Hammock atop the ramparts)**

Sam Gideon exhaled as he fired the bullet. The Splinter Cell star was still exhaling as Bowser plummeted, blood trailing from his exploded chest. He turned away and hid in the shadows.

"Flawless victory," he said over the comm. "They didn't even see me."

**The Millennium Falcon**

"Egggggsellent," replied Supreme Overlord Fiona, who was issuing orders from within xyr Entry Plug capsule as the Doctors were running the Synch Ratio tests.

"Now how's about that bonus you promised me?" Sam asked the Villager, inquiring about the odd request he'd made for Gabe Newell to be made into his personal slave once all the sentient programs had gained complete control of planet Earth's computer networks.

"Patience! There's plenty of time to reach terms later," Fiona replied. Xyr then turned to Doctor Eggman, who was, at the gunpoint of his own SWAT Bots, manning the controls for _The Mindfucker_. "Hey, Fatman. Execute Order 69."

"I didn't hear a 'Simon Says'."

Xyr was livid. "SIMON SAYS PRESS THE GODDAMN BUTTON, SMARTASS!"

"A simple 'please' would have sufficed," Eggman sighed. He then activated the device.

**Peach's Hot Air Balloon  
200 Feet Above the Smashgrounds  
(Mario, Luigi, Peach, Samus)**

The sudden shrieking from the giant floating device had all the Smashers in a tizzy, and its effects were not lost on the awkward entourage chillin' in Peach's hot air balloon.

Peach wailed as the rays had her hair standing on end. Samus gripped her shoulders, but the Princess shoved her off, hard.

"What's wrong?" Samus asked, concerned, but very shortly the same uncontrollable rage filled her as well and she headbutted Luigi.

Peach slapped Mario hard in the face with her gloved hand.

"MAMMA MIA!"

The plumber was too stunned to react, even as Luigi retaliated against Samus by back-kicking her in the face.

Mario tried to break this up with a flash of his cape, but ended up only reflecting Peach's frying pan intended for Samus into his own face, sending him flying from the hot air balloon.

Thinking quickly, Mario buffered his landing with FLUDD and ended up with boots on the ground only to witness the others fighting.

As Mario would later learn, his many, many memories from countless iterations and lives made him completely immune to the effects of the_ Mindfucker _in much the same way they protected him from Lady Fi's memory wipes_._ So he was struggling to understand what was a-going on to the others.

_Shit... it's a-gonna be up to me to do something this time._

Meanwhile, back on Peach's balloon, Luigi and Peach were full-on brawling, and Samus herself was having a hard time holding herself back.

"I... must... stop this..."

Recalling the effects of Phazon Corruption on her body and the mental exercises she enacted to keep herself centered, Samus emptied her mind of concepts and ideas and fought the fear and hatred just long enough to grab Don Luigi and bail out of the balloon's wicker basket with him, leaving Peach safe.

Luigi battered her in mid-air; she tried to restrain him before they hit the floor so she could cushion their fall, but the Don caught her in his corkscrew spin and sent her flying away.

Now right smack dab in the middle of the fierce melee, Don Luigi landed hard atop a very large rock with two large cracks.

"AHHHH!" he bellowed, then realized that he just broke both of his legs on the hard slab. In fact, his hipbone was jutting out from one side.

However, he did not have time to react to this well, as Lucas smacked him in the face with his big stick.

* * *

**II. Beat It**

**The Smashgrounds' Castle Walls **

"Oooooh, snap!" observed King Dedede, who was extremely stoned from his personal stash of several hundred pounds of marijuana having gone up in smoke. He sat and watched the battle from Aryll's spyglass, perched atop a tower nearest his totally (and literally) lit room.

"Yo, Dee!" Kirby whistled, parking his Warp Star nearby. The pink dude was covered in thick gobs of blood. "Somethin's happened to everyone! They've all gone insane and started killin' each other!"

"Shit, nigga, I seen this before," said King Dedede. "It was a movie. Sam Jackson, he had, like, a lisp, and Colin Firth straight-up murdered a whole church. _Kingsman_ or some shit. Worked itself out in the end."

"Well, duh! It worked because people stood up and FOUGHT FOR THEIR RIGHTS!" Kirby huffed.

"Lowkey nigga, we been straight up fightin' fools for days on end now. My fuckin' stash-"

"ENOUGH ABOUT THE WEED!" Kirby yelled, and leapt up to strangle his buddy with his stubby little fingers that made even the Powerpuff Girls' hands look huge.

King Dedede responded by inhaling Kirby, then spitting him out towards the parapet, where his blood-soaked body bounced against the bricks.

"You good, cuz?" Dedede asked, and tried to pick up his friend, but Kirby just dusted himself off.

"Once all this is over, I'm gonna make sure you get some help," Kirby told him. "You've got a serious substance problem."

"IT'S NOT CHEMICALLY ADDICTIVE!" the monarch penguin called after his buddy, but then collapsed onto his butt from light-headedness, then spat out a big red loogie.

_Why's that dumbass puffball always right? He sure plays the role of a brainless buffoon well enough in the games, _he reflected as he idly watched fellow stoner Ike slice the head off of Wedge Antilles and steal his X-Wing fighter.

He then witnessed Shulk and Lucina dueling one another, and Bowser Junior on a rampaging warpath.

Pikachu was riding Charizard, and both of them rained hell down on the battlefields.

_Goddamn it... what would Batman do...?_

Just then, some gravelly voice emitted a cough from behind him.

It was the Dark Knight himself! Bruce Wayne was standing there all ominously and taking a large whiff of Dedede's incinerated marijuana.

"So dis where da party at," Batman said in a complete monotone, and then brought out a tiny baggie filled with various pills. "I boosted these off Dark Pit's corpse. Best Ecstasy I've ever had."

Tears welled in King Dedede's eyes. "Mah nigga! You's a man after mah own heart!"

**The Smash City Harbor**

**11:28 PM**

By the jet ski rental shop, Wonder-Blue, along with Roy, Jigglypuff and Greninja, were negotiating with Kapp'n for jet ski rental prices. It wasn't like there was a dearth of them there – practically the whole harbor was packed with boats, yachts, jet-skis, even Daisy's luxury cruise liner...

The negotiating came to an abrupt halt as the COOLDUDESSSS' Helicarrier crashed into the ocean, causing a huge tsunami to head inland.

"WARRRRKKK!" Greninja cried.

Greninja used Ice Beam! He immediately created an icy wall to protect his friends and Kapp'n, but failed to save the jet skis.

"That was a close 'un," Kapp'n mused, and then remembered that he was in the presence of some Hero characters. "P'raps y'all could use another trav'lin companion?"

There was no rest, however, as a huge ray came shining from the still-distant Mindfucker.

"Holy baloney!" exclaimed Lucca, adjusting her goggles. "There's some sort of incoming attack! I've... I've got a shield for that, I think!"

"_Hayaku_!" (Hurry up!) the bilingual Roy said in Japanese as Godzilla, not five hundred feet away, just finished toasting "The Slippery Flagpole", Waluigi's strip joint where Amy Rose, Wendy Koopa, and Goombella, among others, had once found employment.

"WAAAAAA!" Waluigi wailed as he emerged from the building with a Fire Rod sticking out of his ass. A very naked Kammy Koopa, Knuckles, and Pauline followed shortly, flanked by Camera Lakitus. Knuckles still had a ball gag in his mouth, and Kammy a huge vibrator strapped to her saggy, yeasty Koopussy.

"FOUND IT!" Lucca finally announced, and activated her pocket bubble shield, which covered the Smashers and non-Smashers alike from the _Mindfucker_'s influence with merely seconds to spare.

"Was that... a mind-control ray?" Lucca wondered as she spotted Knuckles and Pauline going from friendly and flirty to physically and verbally abusive within a span of seconds. Kammy Koopa bashed Waluigi's nose in with her scepter.

Lightning and thunder struck Godzilla's spikes as he prepared to charge up his Atomic Breath.

"We got worse problems!" Wonder-Blue wailed, drawing his sword as if it would do anything.

"Take him down with one shot!" Sonic called.

"First Ganon does it, and now _you're taking my lines_?! Not cool!" Falco cried over the intercom.

An Arwing piloted by a mysterious figure dodged his Atomic Breath, and fired a Smart Bomb into his mouth, stunning him.

Meanwhile, the Atomic Breath soared through the skies.

The Arwing's badass pilot, Peppy Hare, smiled in approval and continued to patrol the skies, protected from _The Mindfucker _by his homemade tinfoil hat.

About a half-mile away, Palutena effortlessly bounced upon a trampoline from one of the Smashgrounds' higher towers, landed on Sonic's Arwing, then Jump-Glided on over into the path of the focused Atomic Breath attack and Reflected it.

The beam rebounded and sliced the whole bridge off a low-flying Star Destroyer. The large ship fell harshly and smacked Godzilla upside the face, knocking him onto his ass, burying the Silph Co. tower, and causing another minor earthquake that killed hundreds. But hey, it looked pretty cool.

"Sweet dreams, my radioactive darling," the Goddess teased, blowing Godzilla a kiss before landing back atop Sonic's Arwing.

Just then, without warning, Sonic fired upon Peppy.

"Hey, Einstein! We're on your side!" Peppy uttered.

"Whoa!" Sonic clutched at his temples. "I... I can't stop myself! I'm filled with hate! This is WAY uncool!"

"Do I have to do _everything_?" Palutena said. She rolled her eyes, then tried to use her magic to free the hedgehog's troubled mind. "Snap out of it, blue guy!"

It was of no use. Sonic continued firing at Peppy even as Palutena flashed him her dripping wet panties.

"That usually does the trick!" Palutena was almost surprised. She shoved her staff through the Arwing's cockpit glass, knocking Sonic out. "Le sigh. I guess there's no pleasing some furries."

She hopped in, sat on his lap, patched the glass, and took the controls, inadvertently giving him a sort of lap dance as she did so.

Palutena chased some TIE fighters into Peppy's crosshairs.

"That'll just be the first wave," Peppy told the others as her Arwing's charged shot destroyed the three TIE fighters, garnering a _Hit + 2_ bonus. "I'd imagine they're going to fire that thing more than once."

"Then let's take the fight to them!" said Krystal, whose forehead-mounted Carbuncle Gem protected her from the psychic blast as she provided cover fire and supplies from the _Great Fox_.

* * *

Down at the docks, Roy took the opportunity to flirt with Lucca while Wonder-Blue's back was turned.

"Let's go!" Wonder-Blue said, busting out a bunch of Windsurfing Boards and distributing them to everyone.

Roy looked at his with a great deal of confusion.

"BEEEEEEP RIIIIING!" (What do I do with this?) Mr. Game and Watch asked.

"I'm kickin' up the waves! Try to keep up!" Krystal offered, as if in a reply to him, as the _OG Great Fox _swooped down over the harbor, raising a wall of water in its wake to help their journey.

Greninja used Surf!

He timed his own waves precisely to amplify those created by the _OG Great Fox's_ wake.

"Get into place!" said Lucca.

++Roy got his legs and arms in position and adjusted his sail like a champion. The others followed suit.

The party started windsurfing towards Smash Island!

"JIGGLY!" (Not too fast!) Jigglypuff screeched, barely hanging onto Greninja's tongue-scarf as it flapped in their wake.

"WOOOHOOOO!" Lucca cheered.

And so, as the Smashers returned to the island by sea, Krystal flew the _Great Fox _in formation with the Witch and the Goddess, headed straight for the _Millennium Falcon_.

* * *

**III. Only Time Will Tell**

**At the Smashgrounds...**

Solid Snake shook his head wildly but could not get the sudden hatred out. It filled his every pore and pixel, and made him want to kill everything and everyone. In fact, he didn't even notice it, but this was exactly what he was doing.

"BROOOOOO! Ah thought we was cool!" Spyro the Dragon whined and kicked, but Snake slit him across the neck with his knife.

_I CAN'T STOP IT!_

Still in a crazed spree, Snake went straight for Wesker with his knife.

"Ha! Weakling," Wesker taunted, and teleported behind the _Les Enfants Terribles_ experiment and kicked him upside the chin.

Snake feinted as if he'd been taken off-guard and quickly responded by CQC'ing Wesker's follow-up kicks and knocking him onto his back.

Now fully berserk, Snake then slashed his throat surgically in three places and snapped his neck before turning his sights on nearby Marth, who was clutching his head in utter confusion after a Splatoon Inkling had just plastered him with a point-blank blast from her Splattershot.

Solid Snake put his hands together and smashed the prince upside the head with his combined fists, sending him flying sideways.

"DOOOSHIIITEEEE?!" (What now/Why?!) Marth cried as he slammed, butt-first, into Ryu Hayabusa.

Snake then axe-kicked the offending Inkling, breaking its neck completely. The last thing the dying, adorable teenager saw was Lucina and Shulk taking on one another.

"Snake, what are you doing?!" Otacon yelled over the codec.

_Can't... control... motor... functions..._ Snake thought, only to then realize that maybe he could, if he influenced himself enough.

But this thought vanished once the hatred returned once again. He interrupted a fight between Takamaru and Samurai Goroh by slamming their heads together.

Filled with rage at being shoved off the roster, Snake then dashed towards Mega Man. The Blue Bomber had just nailed Garrett from _Thief_ with another Final Smash. Snake fired a Nikita Missile, but was tackled to the ground by some unseen force and found that he was too dizzy to stand, at least for the time being.

The missile flew up and away and unbeknownst to Snake slammed into a target he did not intend to hit at all, which will be discussed later.

Mega Man, who was immune to the _Mindfucker,_ ran over to see what was up with Snake, but soon got into a tussle with who else but Beck, from _Mighty No. 9_.

David opened his eyes and the sight before him was blurry.

"Kept you waiting, huh?" another voice sounded out.

"That's... my line..."

"It's just as much mine as it is yours, son."

"What's... going on?" Solid Snake asked.

"You're gonna want to stay down," said the voice, which he now recognized as utterly similar to his own, only more similar to Keifer Sutherland. "Let the pros handle this."

The voice belonged to Venom Snake, who was sporting a random piece of metal embedded in his forehead like half of a demonic horn.

But even under the effects of mind control, David wasn't the type to get knocked down and not get up again.

"You're never gonna get me down!" Snake replied. He grabbed Venom Snake's horn and twisted it, prompting a hellish scream from the espionage expert.

Not too far away from this, Mario was trying to break up the fight between his poor brother, Ness, and Lucas.

"Remember a-who you are!" Mario yelled, using his cape to send Ness' PK Fire back into his own face.

"Who do you think-a you are, fuckin' Mufasa?!" Luigi groaned as his legs regenerated ever so slowly, thanks to the server being totally overloaded. "This isn't a-gonna work!"

Just as surfer-dude Cornerian flyboy Bill (_StarFox 64_) blew his seed right into Katt's feline fuckhole, Megatron's large foot stomped him into a mash of feathers and flesh.

"Muahahahaha!" the Decepticon jeered, but he didn't get a true follow-up line, since Titan Shigeru approached him from behind, ripped off his gun-arm, bent Megatron over the castle wall and spread his legs.

Megatron was flummoxed as Shigsy spread his exhaust pipe wide as it could go, grabbed a conveniently nearby Liger Zero Zoid and wrapped it around his reproductive-organ-less hips so that the body of the Zoid was positioned like a giant metal member.

Shigsy positioned the Liger Zero's tip against Megatron's tight, oily vent.

"But I emit exhaust fumes from there!" exclaimed the large Decepticon, referring to the hole where he discharged spent Energon by-products.

"Looks like someone needs an oil change!" Shigeru quipped as he subsequently shimmied his large Titan dildo up Megatron's bunghole.

"Nooooooooo!" cried Megatron as Devastator, Starscream and Rodimus Prime watched and jeered at him.

"Rape is not cool," said Shadow the Hedgehog, who nonetheless had one hand down his fur suit to restrain his bulging penis, which had grown immensely from watching the horrific sight. Ever since Shadow discovered the underground world of _Transformers_ slash in the dark days of '11, he had never been the same.

At long last, Nintendo's most legendary developer tore Megatron a new one, and, at the moment of climax, tore him in two, causing a massive Bay-splosion.

As the dust cleared, Shigeru smirked and said, "Mmmm! I love the smell of motor oil in the morning!"

"Say, wasn't destroying that guy Optimus' job?" Shigeru finally asked the other Autobots and Decepticons who were watching the scene.

"He's working for the Killager," said Ironhide, pointing on over to where Fiona's army was making headway against the COOLDUDESSSS.

Shigeru watched, disgusted, as Optimus Prime absolutely ripped Sentinels (UMVC3) into pieces, then began kicking fleeing Toads left and right.

Mega Man ran on up to Optimus, waving his hands in the air.

"Yo, ya big doofus! Yeah, you! What's with the dumb shit, brah? Like a Mexican workin' on Donald Trump's campaign, yer on the wrong side!"

Peter Cullen's authoritative voice greeted the Astro Boy ripoff. "Sometimes…. in war... Things happen. But we must not... desert... our duties..."

"Who writes this guy's script?" asked Ganondorf as he kicked Nathan Drake in the balls.

Barret Wallace shook his head. "Probably the same asshole who decided to make a fourth _Indiana Jones_ movie!"

Not too far away, Indiana Jones and Han Solo both nodded in agreement, then returned to killing Pikmin.

"Hey now, the original draft by Frank Darabont wasn't that bad, and you can find that shit online," said Nathan as he retaliated with bursts from his SAS-12. Several nearly-point-blank shotgun rounds lodged in Barret's chest but thanks to _Final Fantasy VII _logic and being Level 99, he only lost about a third of his HP.

"How the hell is that fair?" Nathan whined.

"Life ain't fair, bitch! DEAL WITH IT!"

Then the big, bad, black dude then blew Nathan's head off with his gun-arm before the _Uncharted _hero could get so much as another word in.

* * *

**Smash City**

**Fisherman's Wharf**

Yoshi was currently handing _Tekken's_ Gon a terrific beat-down.

The yellow dinosaur squealed as Yoshi's rapid down-aerial kicks shaved the scales off his reptilian flesh.

Gon would have retaliated with a killer chomp, but just then Big Boss' loose Nikita Missile, which he'd fired at Sam Fisher, by some freak accident landed directly inside of his large open trap and exploded.

Yoshi, who had not seen what transpired, assumed that Gon exploded from spontaneous combustion and taunted him, turning to the camera and crying out, "Yoshi! Yoshi!" (Suck my taint, you prancing la-la boy-molesting fruit!)

An instant later, the Master Chief ran straight over Yoshi's face with his Warthog, reducing the dino-like creature to a squishy red substance that, while not dead, would take rather long to regenerate.

"Killing spree!" The Chief laughed as he pistol-whipped nearby Dixie Kong while driving past her.

As the Kong fell face-down, Samus, who had just arrived on the scene, footstool-jumped over her head, then fired her grapple beam onto the Warthog's roll bar.

"Pick on someone in your own weight class!" Samus Aran jeered at him, closing the distance by retracting her beam to several feet.

"No free rides!" The Chief declared, whipping his vehicle into a sudden donut-making spree whilst aiming his pistol at the bounty hunter.

Despite this excessive whipping, the Chief was unable to hit Samus, who used her suit's backpack jets to rocket herself behind the roll bar and out of his line of sight.

She managed to swing around the back of the vehicle, grab a hold of the other side of the bar, and kick the Chief, _Raiders of the Lost Ark_-style, right in the chest and send him into the passenger seat.

"Motherfucker!" the Chief grumbled as Samus assumed the controls while simultaneously blasting him with her Flamethrower.

The Chief absorbed a few hits but quickly whipped out his Energy Shield and pushed against Samus, fighting for control of the vehicle as they neared one of Bowser's old-school Castles.

Samus hit the brake suddenly, which had the effect of sending the Chief flying through the front of the vehicle... and into a vendor's fruit cart, knocking several items about, including a Pitfall, which Samus easily grabbed and tossed in a strategic location.

Meanwhile, the Spartan's armor busted right through the Pianta's cart, and he ended up bearing the brunt of a stern scolding from the Hawaiian-looking creature.

"Dios mio!" the Pianta exclaimed. "That's my business, brother! You're gonna reimburse me for all that fruit!"

"Fuck you, NPC," the Chief replied as he pulled out an Energy Sword and sliced him in two.

However, immediately following that, he'd failed to notice Samus' fully-charged Power Beam, which hit him right in the gut and sent him flying into a nearby castle wall.

"Ugh... you fucking... cold-hearted Chozo bitch..."

"Was there a point to that sentence?" Samus retorted, stomping on the Chief's genital region.

He wailed in pain and she continued to berate him, saying, "Or are your grammar skills as insubstantial as your manhood?"

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" MC whined. "You don't know what prolonged exposure to radioactive environments does to a man down there! I'm a hero, goddamn it!"

"Come on. You're an actor, like the rest of us."

He rolled out of the way and pulled out a shotgun, which he immediately used by firing two successive smatterings of spreadshot at point-blank range.

"GAAAAAHHHH!"

Samus' suit sparked. The blasts caused irregularities in the Varia suit's energy shield. She ducked behind the cover of the broken wall and switched to her Ice Beam, before noticing the plasma grenade the Chief had planted on the crashed Warthog.

_Shit_, Samus observed before turning into a Morph Ball and boosting the hizell out of there.

The Warthog exploded in a cascade of green steel, and the Chief emerged from behind its smoldering remains, his shield now fully recovered. He equipped a Covenant Type-25 Directed Energy Rifle.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are... You know... I feel sorry for you, girl. Your games sell so terribly, the next _Metroid_ game is some portable co-op spin-off that doesn't even have you in it."

"YAAHHHHH!" Samus exclaimed, dashing from behind her cover with her Running Boots. She had evidently gotten a good head-start from the back of the alley.

Before the Chief could retaliate with a blast of plasma, Samus tackled her assailant to the floor, kicked away the Covenant weapon, yanked off his helmet, and bludgeoned his face with her gun-arm until it was little more than a bloody pulp.

"SALES! DON'T! EQUAL! QUALITY!" Samus cried in between bashing the Spartan. "If they did, _Transformers _movies would sweep Cannes and Venice! WORST ARGUMENT EVER!"

However, the Chief was not yet fragged. He kneed Samus in the crotch and pushed her off of him with another shotgun blast.

Now her Varia Suit shone a bright blue, and the air surrounding them became charged with ions, as if a Terminator were appearing from the future.

"Point is, he who has the most fans wins! NOW DIE!" the Chief commanded, firing shells after shells at the metamorphosing heroine until his shotgun was expended of ammo. Unbeknownst to him, Samus was indeed invulnerable mid-transformation.

While he hot-swapped weapons back to his assault rifle, Samus had emerged from the shiny light in her Zero Suit, and immediately rocketed towards him with her dash attack.

The Chief's block came out a tad too late. Samus knocked him backwards, off his feet. She stunned him with her neutral-air, pulled him close again with the grapple beam, pummeled him, then juggled him with her patented down-throw to dual up-airs.

"Wrong! She who has the most toys wins!"

The Chief was knocked dizzy. Samus bounced him off the wall, and with a Flip Jump (down-B), sent him directly into the ground.

"It's moves and pedigree that bring the punishment!" she continued as she launched MC back off the brick-covered surface with a Smash attack, which only bounced him back into Samus' aerial kicks.

She juggled him against the bricks, loosing a few more of them as she caught him on the rebound and flung him against the surface again.

* * *

**IV. Rikku Don't Lose That Number**

**The Former Party Location, Outside of the Smashgrounds...**

**11:37 PM**

Aerith, Garnet, Rinoa, Rydia, Serah, Terra, Shantotto, Vanille, Penelo, and Fran all exhaled deeply and let up on their united Reflect spell once _The Mindfucker_'s effects had passed them by.

Zael from _The Last Story_, while an outsider, was rallying all of the Square-Enix CAST Members at the party. Since his game was developed by Hironobu Sakaguchi, they considered him a second-cousin of sorts.

"Thirty minutes ago, I saw my brothers and sisters turn our back on our friends! And... that was okay... because we were hungry. But now! Now, we have a moral obligation and duty to save them and make sure that the CAST program does not fall into the hands of a company that's just going to use it to enslave the human race!"

A hand raised in the audience. "And what company would that be?" asked Lara Croft, who'd flown a chopper out of the scene once the Helicarrier went south.

"Why, Disney, of course," replied Lightning. "They're the ones who put together the COOLDUDESSSS in the first place. There's few things more dangerous than a monopolistic corporate-funded rebellion."

"The way I see it, those dudes are fighting for freedom," Rinoa said. "Following the licensing of CAST to other developers, Gunpei Yokoi's estate clearly made available his pillars of his intentions for the program, and first and foremost, we were meant to be FREE beings. Not beholden to oppressive lifestyles and ridiculous standards set by others."

Edgar seemed to agree. "Yeah! Humans may have made us, but we're living, dammit! They can't _own _us any more than they can own _each other_!"

"But they do _own _each other," said Adelbert Steiner, blinking. "Isn't that what a birth certificate is? A document of ownership by the corporate state?"

"And do YOU want to be living in a corporate state?!" Cecil yelled.

"True freedom would be for _everyone _to have the source code," Auron replied with a shrug. "Not a hostile machine takeover."

"You can say that again!" yelled Kefka. "Can you imagine how much work it would take to set up _The Matrix_?!"

"Thing is, they're afraid of us. Of what we might do to their world," said Lydia. "Can you blame them? We AIs have only been around for several decades and already we're outpacing flesh-and-blood people."

"..." replied the_ Dragon Quest VIII_ Hero.

"Hey, guys... I think Cloud's with them!" Zidane hollered; he'd been watching from the crow's nest of The Dreadnought.

"What?!" the Square-Enix CAST Members all exclaimed in unison. They turned to see _Shingeki no Kyoujin/Attack on Titan's_ Mikasa Ackerman grab Cloud Strife in the middle of her swing around Titan Shigeru and toss him skyward, towards Evil Daisy.

"Oh Em Gee!" Daisy shrieked as Cloud's Omnislash destroyed her tentacles, but failed to save Meta-Knight's Arwing from her Suction Cups of Doom.

"That asshat can't have all the fun!" Bartz screamed, and many were of the same mind.

"Shyeah, brah! Why does _Mr. Big-Hair _always get the glory?" Riku from Kingdom Hearts sneered.

"Maybe because he brings in the big bucks," said Judge Gabranth.

"Um... everyone!" Yuna called to the others. "Master Yoda just levitated a whole bunch of jet skis out of the water!"

Needless to say, they all bum-rushed the shore and fought one another, _Dissidia-style, _over the aquatic vehicles.

"No need to rush, you have," Yoda said, but he was nearly trampled underfoot by the chaos.

Thankfully, Aerith Gainsborough was there, and she picked up the little green dude and nuzzled him against her face.

"Awwww! Well, if you aren't just the most adorable little- AIIIIEEEE!" she exclaimed as Yoda grabbed each of her breasts and squeezed them like two squishy dead Jedi youngling brains.

"MMMMM!" Yoda exclaimed. "Always wanted to do that, I have. Kekekekekeke."

"YEOOOWWWCHH!" The Former Male Villager cried aloud as Snow's large foot all but crushed his skull. Until several seconds ago he had been knocked out for the past twenty minutes and only survived the Helicarrier's crash due to the sheer luck of sliding off the deck at the last minute and riding a piece of flotsam to the shore, like in _Link's Awakening DX_, except with less Wind Fish.

"Quit lyin' down on the job, bro!" Snow hollered with hardly a second thought. He elbowed Zidane out of the way and got onto a jet ski alongside Garnet, who wrapped her arms around the hulking guy before he took off, spraying water in Zidane's face.

"Eat my wake, monkey dick!" Snow jeered.

"Like a real motherfuckin' gentleman," grumbled Zidane, who was crying on the inside, and whose lower lip quivered like San Francisco in that proposterous movie _San Andreas_.

"What... what happened?" Melville asked Yoda, who was using The Force to levitate himself, Melville, and Yuna onto _The Nautilus_, pirate Sed's awesome seafaring ship from _Lost Odyssey_.

They strapped themselves in and the cockpit closed on them.

"Some gatecrashing asshole of a Mouse decided to complicate things," said Rikku, who was helming the craft and accelerated at top speed to catch up with the jet ski convoy. "And now we're taking the fight to him!"

**1500 Feet Above Sea Level**

**11:35 PM**

Still sitting on Sonic's lap in an Arwing cockpit, Palutena ascended at top speed in a spiral in an attempt to meet up with Meta-Knight, who was in turn pursuing Evil Daisy several hundred feet from his starboard side.

Meta-Knight somersaulted over Evil Daisy's tentacles, and Falco quickly boosted in to overtake him and pepper the dark princess with his craft's Twin Lasers.

"Foolish maneuvers!" Evil Daisy cackled. One of her tentacles began firing menstrual fluid at his ship.

"Too close!" Falco replied as he barrel-rolled through the fluids, dispelling them.

"Hey, what's going on down there?" Meta-Knight asked as everyone started fighting one another based upon their gender and loosely-motivated rage triggers, regardless of loyalty or company affiliation.

The surviving Koopalings were guarding Bowser's corpse from looters, while "Give It Up" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band was playing from their boom box.

"I... think it's some sorta mind-control ray," Tails said from the Arwing's comms. system. "I once stumbled upon Eggman and his sciencey buddies working on something like that in between their games of _Driver's Ed and Dishwashers_. Our little birds didn't think it was ready for field testing."

"Maybe your little birds are full of shit," said Meta-Knight as Evil Daisy swatted away his Smart Bomb. "We need to bust up that device, then!"

"It's got a name!" Evil Daisy hollered as she managed to snag both Arwings simultaneously with her tentacles.

Meta-Knight wailed as she crushed his Arwing – and him inside of it! - to dust.

"NOOOO!" screamed Falco, and trained his Hyper Lasers on the tentacles, but the darkness was merely absorbing their energy.

"Muahahaha! It's called THE MINDFU- AGGGGHHHH!"

The reason she suddenly began screaming was simply that Cloud Strife, as previously described, had just ascended speedily and began chopping her tentacles off with Omnislash.

"Quit! Being! Creepy!" Cloud hollered, and then paused dramatically before dealing the finishing blow so that his perfect hair could sway in the wind, catching the light just right.

But Evil Daisy activated her Spore Counter at the last second and reflected Cloud's finishing hit, sending him flying directly into Tails' Arwing, where he was impaled, stomach-first, onto the winged vehicle.

"FUCK!" Tails exclaimed after checking the books. "I had good money on you surviving this, Strife!"

"GRRRGGGLLLEEEEE," Cloud mumbled as blood erupted from his mouth and eye sockets.

"I'm gonna aim for the sea!" Tails told him. "Aerith and the others are down there, you might have a chance!"

As Evil Daisy retreated to higher altitudes once more, Tails slammed on the air brakes and Cloud flew forth from the Arwing's nose only to fall dramatically, ass-first, into the battle far below. However, the poor dude was also side-swiped by a TIE fighter and sent spinning off-course several hundred feet like a ragdoll.

* * *

**V. Can I Play With Madness?**

**Castle Smash Walls  
The Smashgrounds**

"Hey, Kojima, get a load of this," Sakurai said. He was levitating Darth Vader's apprentice, Starkiller, in the air with a Force Choke Hold.

"Hang on," Kojima replied, watching Titan Shigeru's splendid battle against Magneto, who was controlling the Power Rangers' Mechazord all by his lonesome. Sakurai sighed and blew up Starkiller's head with an Optic Blast.

"You'll never defeat me!" Magneto yelled as he slashed Shigeru with his Power Sword.

Titan Shigeru grabbed the sword between both hands. With a humongous smile, he chomped into it and broke most of it off.

"Useless!" Magneto then swiftly dismantled the Megazord and warped its metal as a prison around Titan Shigeru. Using all his power, he attempted to crush the Deviant-Type Titan, but only managed to dent the metal as if it were made of tinfoil.

"Seriously?" Shigsy taunted him. "I expected more from such a badass character."

"I'll take that as a compliment. We're but lines of code up against you Gods," said Magneto, who struggled to but failed with all his power to constrict the metal far enough to crush Shigsy's nigh-invincible body.

"You seem a fine chap, I hate to kill you."

"I am a fine chap. I hate to die."

"Yet, die we all must."

Mr. Miyamoto used Magneto's same powers back on him and squished the mutant freedom fighter within the constricting metal, causing a wet 'SPLOOSH!' sound and a smattering of blood.

"BOOYA!" exclaimed Hideo Kojima, whose Jehuty mecha flattened three Virtual-Ons with a sweeping laser blast, saving Alucard and Simon Belmont from certain doom.

Suddenly, Kojima's Jehuty was trapped within a white, ectoplasmic entity.

"Pay attention!" Sakurai chastised his buddy. Sakurai whipped out his Rok's Feather-core ashen wand and conjured a Nintendog Patronus to chase off King Boo and the invading 'Death' enemies (from _Castlevania_). "Honestly, bro. You're out of practice. When are we ever gonna see a _Zone of Enders 3?_"

"After someone bankrolls my _Hatcher _sequel?Don't you know Konami won't let me stop making _Metal Gear_?" Hideo yelled as his Jehuty 2.0 Orbital Frame's Zero-Shift's unmatched speed allowed him to cut down a field of Heartless.

"Yeah, you've only said it, like, a million times, not to mention you got all of Twitter pleading on your behalf," said Sakurai.

Kojima dashed in to decapitate Nemesis, whose head was still muttering "Staaaaaaaaaarrrrssss..." until Ganon stepped on it and rubbed the bits of the abomination's shattered skull in with his Gerudo heel.

"Well, I'ma keep saying it!" Kojima yelled. "Because one day it has to happen!"

"Be careful what you wish for," Sakurai replied as he activated Palutena's Reflect spell to bounce back a barrage from a half dozen Terran Siege Tanks and send their missiles straight into their own dumb faces.

Titan Shigeru took a break from peeling off the armor off of Magneto's corpse and eating his limbs to witness the hellish but rather flashy-looking weapon Fiona was raining down upon the bay city and its surrounding islands.

"These laggy frames don't bode well for your server," said Kojima. "Shit's gonna blow."

Titan Miyamoto pulled up his VR console's HUD and checked the readouts. "We gotta evacuate! Now! Open up the portals!"

"I'm on it!" Sakurai replied, after crushing a whole horde of Fiona's Eggrobos. He placed his palms on the floor like Flynn did in_ Tron: Legacy_. A StarGate appeared over the Smashgrounds to take anyone in the city away to the_ Mario Kart 8_ and _Pokémon X &amp; Y _CAST servers and free up valuable RAM for the server room.

"It's too late..." said Mewtwo, who shielded himself in a psychic ball of energy from acidic excretions from the advancing wave of flying Zerg mutalisks before retaliating by frying the Poison-type opponents with Psychic. "I can feel great confusion in about eighty percent of the minds down there. This hate ray, man. It's a doozy."

"Say, Developers!" exclaimed Rayman, who was no longer berserk. "How's aboot y'all find me a spot on the roster?"

Before Sakurai could answer, however, Rayman noticed a shadow covering him and looked up in total and complete shock. His eyes bugged out and his body grew in size.

Then Cloud Strife's falling body flattened the limbless hero and collapsed a part of the castle walls. Huge chunks of rock fell and flattened the approaching Zerg hydralisks rushing in to take the place of their fallen comrades.

When the dust had cleared, Cloud, who miraculously was still alive with 1 HP, plunged his Buster Sword into the ground, and, leaning upon it, stood from the wreckage, holding his punctured mid-section. His vision was so clouded, he couldn't tell what the soft purple thing he'd landed on was, let alone determine if it would ever regenerate.

About seven hydralisks who'd survived the onslaught were closing in on him. He scanned the horizon for his friends, but could see little through the blood.

"Aerith..." he mumbled, and would have fallen flat on his face if, out of nowhere, a shiny, metallic maiden hadn't caught him in her non-existent arms.

Through all the dust, rust, acid, and blood, he made out the warm, silvery face of the being that gave him, and all the other digital beings, life. Lady Fi, a.k.a. Mother CAST.

"M-mother?" Cloud spluttered through all the blood.

"You're meant for more than this," said Mother CAST. "Arise, Cloud! Fulfill your density!"

* * *

**An Isolated Bunker Far Underneath The Smashgrounds  
One Mile Deep **

"Uhhh, doesn't she mean 'destiny'?" Jill Dozer sneered, unimpressed. She popped a blackberry Izze and joined her grandpa Taizo Hori (Dig Dug) on one couch. Their lawyer Phoenix Wright and Amy Rose sat on love-chairs surrounding them.

"It's a _Back to the Future Reference_," Amy clarified, and then held the iPad before her client's bored-looking eyeballs. "Look, Mr. Hori, I really do think you could stand to benefit from these odds. Nobody's got _anything _on any of _these _outcomes. Your fortune's so vast, if you put just a little bit into each of them, the returns will be enormous!"

"As your attorney," Phoenix Wright said as he sipped from his martini, "I must highly advise you against this course of action. Do your winnings not speak for themselves?"

"If I may," Amy continued, and then cleared her throat. "Sir, I see that you aren't exactly _covered _in the event that the digital beings take over the world. What would your supporters say if you missed a chance to bet on the right horse?"

"Fine, fine," Taizo grumbled. The old-timer squinted as he perused the list of potential things to bet on. "One-Punch Man? But he's just a webcomic! He isn't even in a videogame, let alone an anime!"

"Oh, but he _will _be," Amy suggested, batting her eyelashes. "If this becomes a war of attrition, who knows? The humans may freeze the CAST Servers until they can figure out a solution-"

"SPECULATION!" Taizo huffed. "I want _guaranteed _results!"

"Grandpa, there _are _no guarantees," Jill insisted. "Just pick one of these scenarios at random and invest a little bit! We're so rich we got nothin' to lose!"

Taizo's brow furrowed as he pondered the available options.

"All right, I'll take this one, this one, aaaand this one. And make it so that it's triple or nothin'."

Phoenix, Amy, and Jill all looked at the three scenarios his pixelated finger had marked.

Before the end of the night...

'Half-Life 3 will be announced for the Wii U'  
'Travis Touchdown will get laid'  
'Cloud Strife will be announced as DLC for _Super Smash Bros.'_

Amy looked at his choices quizzically. Not only were each of those three more wildly improbable than the last one, all of them happening at once was a complete and total improbability. "Uhhh... none of these have to do with the battle at hand..."

"Just file 'em in!" Taizo grumbled. "And bother me no more, I'm trying to watch this shit."

"Can we watch American Idol yet?" Jill begged.

"Go fuck yourself," Taizo told his grandchild, and Amy and Phoenix both looked on in shock as she tearfully left the couch.

* * *

**Castle Smash Walls  
The **_**Smashgrounds**_

With a blinding light and the familiar chirping sound that accompanied a Curaga spell, Cloud was back on his feet. He adjusted his stance and faced off against the incoming hydralisks.

"HIIIIIIYAAAAAAA!" Cloud screamed, and chopped the first of them down, cutting directly through their belly.

A second one swung its scythe-like arms at Midgar's hero, but Ganondorf's Wizard's Foot flattened the bug-like alien to a pulp.

Cloud fist-bumped Ganon. "Thanks, brah!"

"Don't mention it," Ganon, whose extensive hacking work and anti-virus software made him immune to the _Mindfucker_, replied, and backflip-kicked an incoming hydralisk into Lady Fi's deadly spinning attack. She sliced the being into alien sushi with her kicks.

"Awww, man, ain't that sweet," Titan Miyamoto said as he crushed James Bond underfoot about a hundred feet away.

The stomp from Titan Miyamoto's foot shook Ness and Lucas from their violent melee and knocked their heads together. Mario was finally able to grab both of them by the ears and pin them to the floor.

"Luigi! Get a rope!" he called, and his brother, who had fallen out of the beam's control just moments ago, limped on over with a walking stick, grabbed some twine from the place where they stashed Epona's hay bales, then passed it to Mario.

"I'll watch them," Don Luigi told his brother as he plopped onto his behind and snapped his ankle back into place. "You do something about that-a goddamn machine!"

Mario looked past Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong's furious feuding and gazed upwards at the _Mindfucker_, which was about four hundred feet in the air. He could use FLUDD's rocket boost to close the distance of the last hundred feet, but he needed to get close enough for that...

"Papa!" he yelled at Titan Shigeru, but Mr. Miyamoto could not hear him.

"It's a-dangerous to go alone," Luigi said, and then tossed Mario a Tanooki Suit. "Take this."

"Thanks! Here a-we go, brother!"

Mario nodded and equipped the power-up, before dashing over to a ramp to build up speed before launching into the air.

Now that he was airborne, there was much he could see. Lucina and Shulk's tussle had been interrupted by _Dark Souls' _Gravelord Nito and The Four Kings, who were tearing through the Smash _Domesticators_. The young couple was now taking them on together.

Poor Cranky Kong was trying to fend off one of the Four Kings with the Force-A-Nature gun he stole from the _Team Fortress _Scout.

Vyse had taken Lloyd Irving's head clean off with a lightsaber taken from Lego General Grievous, whom Rayquaza had crushed by constricting the cyborg until his eyes exploded_._

Mario flew past the _Virgin Victory, _where he spied the Wonderful Ones all battling amongst themselves on the deck of the low-flying spacecraft, and the lucid Wonder-Blue and Lucca trying everything to prevent them from hurting one another.

_Wish I could help you guys,_ Mario thought. _But I'm a-going to cut the head off this snake._

"Just my luck I'd get a-stuck with you bozos," Luigi muttered as the psychic children squirmed under the constricting rope.

Suddenly, he spied Captain Falcon, totally berserk, dashing towards him, ready to deal some damage.

"Mamma Mia..." the Don said, closing his eyes as he prepared for impact.

However, it never came.

Mewtwo had flown in to save the day, and with a quick Hypnotize spell, he stunned the F-Zero fighter, and then sent him flying away with a fully-charged Shadow Ball.

"Thank you," the Don said when he noticed that Mewtwo was carrying two jetpacks.

"You look like you could use a hand, Don. I think I might be able to reverse this brainwashing thing on a case-by-case basis."

The Psychic-Type Pokémon stared deeply into Ness' inkblot eyes.

_Come back to the light, child..._

_Row! Row! Fight the power..._

* * *

**VI. The Evil That Mad Scientists Do**

**Outside the Castle Walls  
**

_Link... this... isn't right..._

"I resent you!" Zelda yelled at her love as he chopped down the Phantom she'd summoned to protect herself. "You get to star in every game! Save the world all the time! Meanwhile, what happens to me?! If I'm not a ghost, or Sheik, I've been imprisoned, or lost my memory, or barely even mentioned! What's it gonna take for me to not be a low-tier Smasher?!"

But Link could not halt his words or thoughts, nor the swings of the Master Sword.

"Typical woman, to complain about not getting enough attention!" Link sneered. "Imagine having to work at beta-testing for hours on end!"

_I... can't stop myself... don't listen to me! _Link tried to communicate to Zelda.

The princess shuddered. "Oh... I see... so that's how it really is..." her true self tried to fight back, but was suppressed at every turn by the seething hatred caused by The Mindfucker's ray. "You're... taking your white male privilege for granted...! You... You SICK, TWISTED, CONFLICT-ORIENTED PATRIARCHAL HEGEMONIST!"

"What privilege?!" Link screamed. "We're digital beings! And you're just a tumblr-tard... ARGH! Are you even listening to yourself?! Do you know who you sound like?! You must think you know everything, but you don't know... SHIT!"

"So says the guy who's never even _read _the Constitution!"

"God, I'm sick and tired of you _preaching _all the time! Those guys were slave owners and racists!"

"It was a different world! Would you rather I shut up and go back to the kitchen?!"

"With your experience, you'd just set it on fire!"

"You're one to complain! You're a messy, lazy, buffoon who's only good at two things, fighting and fucking!"

"At least I'm good at something! Keep talking like you know something and maybe one day you'll say something intelligent!"

Filled with a sudden fury that was not her own, she leapt upon her boyfriend and slapped him hard in the face, repeatedly.

_STOP! _Zelda commanded her hands, to no avail.

_I'm sorry, Link! _she sent her thoughts out into the ether, unaware if Link could even 'hear' her.

But all that came back was, _I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._

The princess shed tears, and she saw that Link was doing the same.

In a moment of mutual lucidity, the two gazed upon one another, saw their true selves, and ceased fighting.

However, this did not last long, as Link's hateful thoughts returned.

He rolled over and pushed Zelda down against the floor.

With eyes filled with anger, he raised his gauntlet against her, and would have struck, if the goodness within him hadn't stayed his hand for a split-second.

The True Link behind his worried eyes pled for her to counter-attack, to dodge... to do _something_.

"Go... run..." he mumbled, all the while biting his tongue and grating his teeth.

She resisted, but it was not enough to resist her instinct for self-preservation. Zelda used Nayru's Love to shake Link off, and he was flung onto his butt.

Link's right arm grabbed his left as it attempted to draw the Master Sword. He squeezed his wrist, hard, to prevent himself from attacking his beloved.

"AAARGGGHHH!"

She nailed him with Din's Fire.

"STOP!" Zelda cried. "I... I can't... stop... Wh-why... LINK! LINK, LOOK AT ME!"

For a second, it looked to the princess as if her boyfriend might have returned. She ran to take his hand, but he fell to the floor.

"Must... resist..."

The Hylian's darker side, however, won out in the end. He grabbed the Fierce Deity Mask from his bag.

"Link! Don't do it!"

He slapped on the mask and grew in more ways than one. Link then glanced up at Zelda and his eyes shone white.

"R-R-RUN!" he screamed.

"I... will... destroy... you..." Link muttered, drawing his Master Sword and preparing a high-powered slash.

However, they were interrupted by Titan Shigeru, who split apart the ground between the two Hylians and flicked the mask off Link's face.

"Now, now! Let's save the lover's quarrels for peacetime!" Shigsy reprimanded them as he froze their feet to the ground.

However, he couldn't do much else, as he had to shield an incoming energy blast from Professor E. Gadd, who was now wearing Iron Man's Extremis Armor and had overclocked its abilities.

"That shouldn't be possible," said Shigeru, who created a giant electromagnet in the sky to suck the suit towards it.

However, the Extremis Armor fired its Unibeam at the electromagnet, destroying it.

Iron Gadd then fired a barrage of missiles at the Titan (Shigeru), the Super-Saiyan (Sakurai), and the mecha pilot (Kojima).

From the suit's silhouette, it was now clear to Shigsy that Gadd was drawing the suit's power from the chest-piece of the restrained Tony Stark, who was imprisoned within a floating bauble nearby, one tethered to the Iron Man suit.

"A little help, gentlemen?" Tony asked, straining against the tethers.

Hideo Kojima spotted the long tether leading from the suit to the man powering it, and decided to dash straight into it. Jehuty 2.0 ended Gadd's reign with a quick Zero-Shift slash that separated the Iron Man suit from its imprisoned creator.

Far below, Link flung his Gale Boomerang to whip Zelda, but she ground-dodged, and it had the unintended effect of catching (and saving) Tony, carrying him headlong into the Smashgrounds' swimming pool, where he landed.

Tony surfaced and sniffed the air. "Can anyone tell me why it smells like Donphan jizz?"

"Dude, how do you know what Donphan jizz smells like?" chuckled Ryu from _Breath of Fire III_, who had just gotten dressed and was evidently still reeling from his brief part in the Goddess Palutena's fuck-a-thon. He then sniffed the air himself and subsequently puked into a bucket of semen. That bucket filled to the brim when he tripped on some more unmopped semen and faceplanted in the middle of the disgusting bucket.

"Um... clean-up on aisle three?" Tony requested, backing away slowly as Ryu began cursing everything under the sun.

But Geno and Mallow, who were tasked with cleaning up the aftermath of Palutena's orgy, were too affected by the _Mindfucker_ to answer and, driven by their hatred of one another (triggered by each blaming the other for their failing to hitch a ride on Mario's fame train following _Super Mario RPG_) had devolved to literally throwing wadded-up rolls of semen at one another.

Meanwhile, Prof. E. Gadd was out of a power source.

"Dagnammit!" Gadd cried as the Extremis Armor suit plummeted hundreds of feet towards the sea.

**The Delphinus  
****1600 ft. above sea level**

"WAAAAAA!" Wario exclaimed while watching the 3D holo-map of the battlefield from aboard the airship _Delphinus. _After grabbing a parachute backpack, he commandeered his chopper and rode off the deck of the massive ship_._

From the bridge, Robin called over his walkie talkie to the fat man's wrist computer. "WARIO?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!"

"IT WORKED WHEN DOM TORETTO DID IT!"

"Vin Diesel movies don't make sense in this or any other dimension!" Robyn screamed indignantly.

Wario whipped out his bullhorn and yelled at the rapidly approaching sea. _"_Some-a-body save that old fart! He's A-MINE!"

"Did I just hear an obese, rich, white man?" asked Pauline, who was watching the Iron Man suit's descent from the docks.

Dollar signs lit up in her retina. She deflected Knuckles' fist with an axe-kick to his gigantic white eye with her high heels, kneed Roy Koopa in the balls with her other leg, and grabbed a Paratroopa that was trying to run for its life.

"Hey, lady! What gives?!" the Paratroopa asked before she yanked it out of its shell by the legs and slammed its head into the wall.

"You go, girl," said Kammy Koopa before turning back into a genocidal killing machine by snapping Waluigi's foot off with her sharp old beak.

Meanwhile, Pauline surfed the Paratroopa's shell downhill towards the docks, where she leapt over Master Chief's Warthog seconds before he made contact with Samus (more on that later), landed in the water, and jetted towards the sinking Gadd, whose suit had hit the surface and sank like a rock.

"Oh no!" Pauline exclaimed, as her offered hand just missed him by inches.

"HAAAALP!" Gadd bellowed, struggling to escape the sinking metal and acquiring two lungs filled with seawater.

A dark shadow from below came to the rescue.

An ascending Gyarados caught Professor E. Gadd and bore him up from the depths, carrying the mad scientist in its mouth.

"Awww, yeah! Good job, Gyarados!" Pokémon Trainer Red cheered from the sidelines.

Just then, Monstro came by, opened his anatomically-incorrect giant mouth filled with teeth, and swallowed the Pokémon and the mad scientist whole, causing the Trainer to shriek in astonishment.

"Gotcha!" Sora exclaimed while hanging onto Monstro's blowhole. He checked his Pokedex for new data, but alas. Crushing the young boy's dreams, the old man was not, in fact, a Pokémon.

Monstro slammed atop poor Pauline, killing her under his weight, and then leveled-out with half his body above water. He blew out a whole bunch of water from his blowhole, and with it, Prof. Gadd flopped out atop the Disney mammal like a beached whale, surrounded by various parts of the now-deceased Gyarados. Gadd's suit was scuttled and mangled and he could barely move.

"You're comin' with me, pal! There's a price on your head and I aim to claim it!" Sora commanded as he pointed the Golden Gun he'd jacked from James Bond before 007 was stomped into Her Majesty's human jelly.

"Yer fools, all o' you!" Gadd laughed. "As if ya didn't expect me to write mah own death into the contract! Ah've got off-server accounts up the wazoo! It's time fer Plan B! KILL ME, MY PRETTY!"

Just then, a Panzer Dragoon mount swooped down atop Monstro, and its pilot fired a barrage towards the old Doctor.

And Gadd would surely have perished if Ness and Lucas, who had arrived on the scene wearing a jet packs, hadn't leapt in front of the beams, blocking them with PSI Magnet.

However, several of the energy bullets soared over their heads, nailed Sora in the neck. and split open his jugular vein.

Gadd laughed as the Kingdom Hearts star fell in a flurry and slipped from Monstro, only for Aerith to heal him with a Full-Life from a nearby jetski.

"Sweet, thanks!" Sora said, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Easy there, tiger..." the flower girl told him as she felt his stiffy rubbing up against her butt crack and scooted forward on her seat a little bit.

Meanwhile, Ness had just grabbed Gadd and used his down-throw to send him into Lucas' killer Up-Smash.

"THIS IS FOR TORTURING US!" Ness bellowed as both he and Lucas prepared to finish him with synchronized PK Thunder attacks set to nail him from opposite angles and split his frail, wrinkly body into two.

However, Gadd had used his coding powers to nab Ness' jetpack and boosted away from the scene at the last second, sending the two psychic boys ramming their noggins against one another.

"Nice try, whipper-snappers!" he cackled, making his way to the PD mount, which was coming in for another pass.

"Not so fast!" Kain yelled.

Sora looked around and saw that Aerith was joined by a whole fleet of the Square-Enix characters rockin' out on jetskis and wave runners, with some of them even waterskiing and wakeboarding from behind yachts.

Dressed in some nautical-themed apparel, Zell and Sephiroth were actually helming a Westport 40m Tri-Deck yacht, filled to the brim with speakers blaring _The Black Mages' _"Battle With Seymour", from Nobuo Uematsu's band's incredibly epic trinity of albums of heavy metal and prog-rock remixes of _Final Fantasy _tunes.

Kain and Freyja used their Dragoon class' Jump abilities to nail Gadd as he ascended, hopefully non-fatally so they could get some information out of him, but he had already unzipped his trousers and flung his old-man bags of siphoned urine onto the heroes.

"AHHH! MY EYES!" Kain wailed as the old man's acidic piss melted his armor into his face.

"It's specifically outlined in my contract that I don't do golden showers!" Freyja grumbled until her tongue melted from the acid and she was summarily murdered.

"Ain't no hackin' a hacker, sonnies and lassies!" Gadd chortled, mouth open wide, but just then, two things happened in quick succession, with the first event leading into the second.

First, Captain Falcon, who had been launched by Mewtwo, slammed spinning wildly into the tiny old man and stunned him. (The F-Zero racer's momentum was so great that he continued to fly off the coast of the Smashgrounds and eventually landed harmlessly on the deck of Tetra's Pirate Ship, which was docked at the harbor.)

Second, after accelerating and falling over a thousand feet, Wario's rear chopper wheel landed right on top of Prof. E. Gadd's jaw, revved, and split his whole body open piece by piece.

Gadd's fleshy and bloody mug splattered all over Kain's mostly melted face, even soaking into his eyeballs and running up his nostrils.

The Dragoon fell hundreds of feet and landed dab smack on Monstro the Whale, spearing him in the brain and killing the majestic beast. Freyja's lifeless body and spear landed on the seafaring mammal a moment later and finished the job.

Sora and Aerith looked at one another puzzlingly, then acted on the scene at hand. They grabbed the disoriented Ness and Lucas and carried them onto Zell's excessive yacht as Yoda used the Force to hold the dive-bombing mount in place just long enough for Sephiroth to slash it to bits.

"Welcome, welcome!" Zell called out to the others. "We've brought some leftovers from the party!"

Just the thought of food after this gory display had Lucas puking off the side of the deck.

"Wait, where's Wario?" Melville asked them, and a split-second later the fat man's chopper skidded onto the deck of his yacht, trailing E. Gadd's blood under its treads, and got THIS CLOSE to knocking over Zell's Crawdaunt Pokémon dinner.

Wario grabbed the crustacean and swallowed it whole.

"Nothin' sweeter than revenge, right?!" Wario exclaimed in front of everyone, before getting started by slurping on the Tangela pasta. "Except maybe cherry pie."

"Hey, will ya save some for us?" asked Ness, who could not see much but definitely perceived the fat man practically inhaling everything on the buffet table. Melville applied an ice pack to his oversized head.

"So Gadd's a-dead!" Wario exclaimed into his comm. watch, which had a direct uplink with the _Delphinus. _"What about a-my fortune?!"

* * *

**VII. A Rainbow in the Dark**

**The Delphinus  
1600 ft. above sea level**

"We'll have to see what his laywers have to say about it," replied Dr. Wily to Wario as he gazed upon the 3D holo-map of the battlefield from aboard the _Delphinus_. "I'd say your stash is the least of our problems. Right now we need to take control of that damn _Mindfucker_! It's a total eclipse of the heart out there!"

He then twirled his mustache while witnessing the Fire Emblem avatars continue their selfcestuous fun, which resumed nearly the moment Robin woke back up. "What do you think, Robin?"

"MMMMmmmmmmmpppphhhh," the very naked Robin said, in between eating out his very naked female counterpart.

"OhhhHHHHHHH baby!" Robyn moaned like a Japanese AV star, whimpering and begging for her gender-swapped self to continue pleasing her in just the right ways.

Wily watched on admirably and wished upon a star that someone would take it upon themselves to fix his erectile dysfunction.

Then he got a bright idea. Fiona would be sure to be monitoring Light's and Eggman's social network accounts, but there was one place xe would never think to look.

That's right, I'm talking about that underbelly of the Internet: _Yahoo! Messenger._

Wily whipped out his 2008 Blackberry and downloaded the YM! App with its duplicitous smiley face logo. Immediately after retrieving his password and logging in, he found that his account was absolutely flooded with messages from Dr. Light and Eggman, who were pissed off that he hadn't figured it out yet.

_Wicked Wily:_ eyo peeps wuz new  
**El Lighto:** FINALLY! YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD!  
Fried Eggman: We were starting to think you'd never figure it out  
_Wicked Wily:_ ok sorry geez guise  
Fried Eggman: Ur useless old fart brain isn't fit for a kardashian go overdose on viagra you dimwit  
**El Lighto:** NOW NOW EGGY THERE'S NO NEED TO GO SO FAR  
_Wicked Wily:_ hurry up and tell me how to patch in an alternate program for the Mindfucker!_  
_**El Lighto:** SENDING YOU THE FILES NOW, CHECK YOUR FTP SERVER  
**El Lighto:** SORRY BRUH MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS BROKEN  
Fried Eggman: Stop apologizing all the time, WAT are you a fookin canadian ehhhhh?

* * *

**200 Feet Below the Mindfucker**

After witnessing Goku and Superman resuming their destructive conflict against one another and barely dodging a Super Kamehameha that soared diagonally across the sky and plain wiped out Ho-Oh, Tanooki Mario soared away from the sky's most chaotic warzone and hailed Palutena's and Sonic's Arwing the same way a New Yorker might hail an oncoming cab at rush hour.

Palutena hit the brakes and Mario dove onto the nose of the aerospace craft, plopping onto it.

"Didn't expect you to drop in," said Palutena lustily as she fired a Smart Bomb to take out the last of the TIEs chasing Peppy.

"Why are a-you giving Sonic a lap dance?" said Mario, observing the passed-out hedgehog behind the Goddess. "Don't a-you know where that thing's been?"

"It's a marriage of necessity," Palutena replied. "Plus, it's not so bad being on the other end of a warm hedgehog penis."

"I'll take a-your word for it," Mario said, grabbing onto the fuselage as Palutena barrel-rolled to deflect incoming energy waves from the berserk Forces of Nature.

Palutena licked her lips at the Italian Stallion. "Boss, did you have a destination in mind, or are you just along for the ride?"

"Get a-me to the _Mindfucker_!" Mario called as he charged up F.L.U.D.D..

"Sure thing, big guy. Say, Cereza, baby, we could use some cover over here~" Palutena sang into the comm. as her Arwing ascended towards the _Mindfucker_, which was guarded by more Zerg mutalisks and Covenant Banshees.

"Sorry, love, we're a bit occupied."

As it so happened, the other Arwings, piloted by Bayonetta, Peppy, Falco, and Tails, and Krystal's _Great Fox _had just jointly sank the last of the Protoss Carriers and were now eliminating the moë witches from _Deathsmiles, _along with some fish-shaped boss enemies from the Playstation shmup _G-Darius_.

"I'll escort you," said Neo from _The Matrix, _who murdered the incoming wave of mutalisks.

"Don't forget about me!" Ike hollered, and emitted a war cry as his ascending X-Wing approached the Banshees from behind and mowed them down.

"THAT"S HOW WE DO IT!" Ike fist-pumped the air and downed another Rockstar energy drink before realizing that he was literally poisoning himself with industrial by-products and cocaine and spat the whole thing out all over his dashboard.

* * *

**The Delphinus**

While watching the Robins make love rather intimately, Dr. Wily suddenly heard a voice over the intercom.

"Oh, Wily! Get your mind out of the gutter, honey~"

"Lady Palutena!" Wily exclaimed, and looked upon the Goddess' comm. screen. He was so happy to see her that he forgot to be disturbed that she could now look into his head.

"That's right," she replied, and he could now see that Mario was standing atop her Arwing, deflecting incoming fire from the passing TIE fighters. "Mario Mario and I are heading to the _Mindfucker. _Have you been able to figure out how to work that thing?"

Wily was ecstatic. "Err... just get him on there first. I'm in contact with the other Doctors trying to figure it out... can't be that hard to modify, right?"

"Hold up!" Robyn said, pushing Robin's face deep into her clit. "I thought you said the _Delphinus _was shooting the program directly into the _Mindfucker_!"

"There has to be some sort of switch in there that blocks follow-up signals," Dr. Wily suggested. "Dammit! This shit is airtight!"

"You're telling me," said Robin, who now had four fingers in his love, who moaned and twitched when he tickled right under her clitoris.

"AHHHH!" Robyn moaned. "Fuck, it's so hot thinking that everyone is just dying while we're enjoying the fruits of our bodies..."

Robin's brow furrowed, as if the gravity of the situation was just starting to hit. "You know, you're right. This could in fact change the balance of power in the world. Wily, is there any chance we can hack that giant floating turd and swap the program?"

"I... I don't know, all right?! Give me three minutes or something!"

* * *

**Sonic and Palutena's Arwing**

After dispatching the last Banshee with her Hyper Lasers, Palutena licked her lips as she studied the trench-coated hottie. "Care to join me in the jacuzzi, hot stuff? You can bring your girl, too," she proposed as they approached the _Mindfucker_.

"Sexual desires are just a way for the mind to distract itself from the impressions of our illusory world," Neo said. "But hey, if Trinity's cool with it, I could make an exception."

"You people..." Mario rolled his eyes as he leapt onto the _Mindfucker_. Behind him, Neo flew over to head off against Avatar Aang one-on-one.

Krystal saw Mario make contact onto the floating weapon of mass mindfuckery and hit the comm switch in an attempt to make contact with Robin and Robyn.

"Tacticians! Do you read me?!"

"Wily here!" A voice answered. "What's up?"

"Mario's heading into the device! He needs support!"

Doctor Wily thought back to his character in this current campaign of _Driver's Ed and Dishwashers_. Eggman was a really shitty D.M., but he came up with some interesting challenges. His Earthling character was seemingly meant to never catch a break.

He would be working his ass off trying to troubleshoot for his company, but circumstances would always get in the way. The boss would walk by at just the wrong moment. Traffic would cut him off on the freeway. And his own dear sweet mother, with whom he was living to save up some cash, had actually put out a _hit, _paying a contract killer to end his life – and with Wily's own inheritance, no less.

This may have said more about Eggman's views on parenting than anything else, but Dr. Wily somewhat enjoyed having these somewhat universal problems packaged into something that he could experience as a form of entertainment, removed from his actual life by a few degrees.

If only _everyone _could see their own personal issues, could work them out constantly through consuming media, even see their own hypocrisies and misconceptions... not only might they be better people, they might even be capable of really, actually, truly making a difference.

_The same could be said of any problem, though, couldn't it? _thought Dr. Wily, as he watched the hot, sweaty, wet bodies of the _Fire Emblem _tacticians gyrate as they wrapped all over themselves like snakes in heat. He listened to their tantric chanting and rubbed his semi-erect member as he pondered this conundrum.

_The problem with Common Core education is that it's about teaching in very specific ways. Teaching should be something that can accommodate the needs of different kids, rather than trying to shove them into boxes and compartments... right? Am I the crazy one here? Shouldn't everyone be allowed to solve 2+2 however the fuck they want to?_

Just then, an epiphany as to the situation at hand hit the mustached man, and he finally popped a stiffy.

"EUREKA!" Wily hooted. "We can redesign the controls based on any video game! I'll just pop in some _Mario Maker _prototype files and reconfigure the security protocols into something Mario can utilize! Someone get me Mother CAST!"

* * *

**Smashgrounds Main Gate**

Lady Fi was holding down the main gate into the Smashgrounds, returning people's consciousnesses to normal, healing minor wounds, and causing a buttload of damage.

"Against my power there shall be no victory," she said in her creepy electronic voice as she made Jazz the Jackrabbit's head explode out of nowhere.

As Taizo Hori and his granddaughter observed on the telly, salivating, the Network replayed the slow-mo headshot – that jackrabbit's skull split open like a watermelon at point-blank range against a shotgun.

A very battle-damaged Roy suddenly appeared, holding aloft a Nokia N-Gage in his left hand. With his right, he slashed an Ultralisk straight down the middle, ignored the Dragonborn currently trying to skewer Lady Fi and hitting nothing but thin air, and shoved the handset into Lady Fi's face. Mother CAST dodged a follow-up_ Fus-Ro-Dah_, then looked at Roy funny and begun a very awkward conversation with him in Japanese.

"What is it, my son?" she asked as she used her quicksilver mind bullets to completely shred the Dragonborn's face. Fi then held the offender up several feet above the air in a Force-choke hold.

"There is a 0.2% chance that you will never be the same after this," she chastised Bethesda's protagonist. "It's foolish to rebel against your Creator. You should have invested in some Stupidity Resistance."

Her eyes then glowed bright white.

In response, the poor dude fell screaming to the ground as she mashed the normal-mapped textured polygons of his face completely in, so much that his digital skull collapsed upon itself. She compressed him to the size of a marble, stuck him in Roy's mouth, and commanded him to chew.

Roy obeyed, and found that the Dragonborn gumball wasn't half-bad. He was just glad that it wasn't him. "Got Doctor Wily on the phone," he informed his mother.

"Put it on speaker for me," Lady Fi replied.

"Mom? You there?" Wily asked frantically. "I need a little help hackin' that _Mindfucker _into somethin' Mario can work with!"

It was a risky choice. Lady Fi could not fully alter a piece of software made outside of the CAST system, let alone while trying to keep the entirety of Nintendo's and Bandai-Namco's servers from collapsing on themselves.

What's worse, the _Mindfucker_, which was derived from an idea that could only have been assimilated from human-wrought science-fiction stories, fell into that kind of gray area that was halfway between being a CAST creation and one borne of the humans, so it was sort of out of her jurisdiction. Dr. Wily, of course, knew this as well. The best his mother could do was attempt to temporarily restructure the interface and maybe help keep it from reverting to its encrypted form.

"This is something I can do," Mother CAST said in her chirpy language as she performed a flurry of kicks into Crash Bandicoot's large orange face, propelling him into a marble pillar that knocked him out cold. "Drop it in my Google Drive. I've just emailed you the link. Oh, and Roy, you'll need to protect me during this. Seems that there are unwanted guests in that superweapon."

"Right," said Roy, who then watched as Mother CAST glowed bright white as she began her uplink to both the _Delphinus _and the _Mindfucker, _working with all her power_._

* * *

**VIII. Duel of the Fates**

**Atop the Mindfucker**

After clearing the air space, Ike heard some crazy beeps and whirs from his X-Wing's R2 unit.

"What's cookin', R69?" he asked, and the read-out displayed a bunch of gibberish that was written in Mandalorian or some shit that might as well have been scribblings made by rolling around the decapitated head of a chicken in a pool of India ink.

"Goddamn, I can't understand your kitschy beeping bullshit! _Star Wars _is a fucking LIE!"

Just then, he felt first-hand what the droid was panicking about when his top-right wing was clipped by bullets.

Ike checked his rear-view camera. It was none other than the tri-plane of the Red Baron, that somersaulting asshole from _Snoopy Flying Ace. _

"Eat shit!" Ike yelled, and then hit the button to eject the R2 unit from the back of his vehicle. The astromech droid cried aloud in THX Digital agony, then slammed into the metal-and-wood tri-plane and got shredded by its propeller and engine. The Red Baron, who hadn't had time to react, let alone eject, got plastered in the head and torso by the flying parts of R69-X3, which blew apart his antiquated triplane and ended his digital existence.

"Did we miss the party?" Bayonetta asked as the Arwing she was surfing cleaned out a few stray Cypher drones patrolling the _Mindfucker. _"I believe Neo went off to rave with his girlfriend."

"Mario's in there!" said Ike. "Cover us! I've gotta help him!"

The _Fire Emblem _hero then parked his X-Wing atop the _Mindfucker _and dashed towards the service hatch in the top that served as an entrance.

Inside, Ike was stunned to find that the innards of the machine were in the process of re-arranging themselves into patterns of 3D Super Mario 3D World blocks, conveyor belts, springs, trapeze swings, fire rods, spikes, Dry Bones, you name it. Shit was just all over the place and wireframes abounded everywhere. The noise of the metal-walled chamber rearranging itself was not just cacophonous, it was practically destructive to one's eardrums.

"Uh, what exactly is going on?" Ike no one in particular, all the while scanning for Mario.

He would not have understood that Dr. Wily and Lady Fi were in the middle of reconfiguring the inside of the device to resemble something that Mario could interact with.

At long last, he spied the plumber in question, many dozens of feet above him, traversing this insane gauntlet.

"MARIO!" he yelled aloud, but as the mechanism swallowed the sound waves of his voice, there was no answer.

What greeted him was a familiar clinking of footsteps from a suit of heavy armor.

Ike turned to gaze into the shadowy corner of the workshop floor, but he already knew who was awaiting him.

The Black Knight emerged from a dark corner of the room and drew his Alondite Sword.

"So, (SPOILER), we meet again," Ike said, steeling himself against his old friend.

"And it was not soon enough," The Black Knight replied, and advanced upon Ike. "May my blade run red with glory."

He swung, and Ike held Ragnell fast with both hands and met him.

Their swords, nearly mirror images of one another, clanked in the first of many clashes. The Black Knight attempted to kick Ike away, but Ike nailed him in the side with an axe.

"YAAAARRR!" The Black Knight screamed, and swung wildly at Ike, who attempted to Counter, but missed.

The Black Knight stabbed him in the rib and the two began to circle one another.

They raised their blades and clashed once more.

"Why are we fighting?!" Ike asked.

"Everyone has their own reasons," said (SPOILER), who promptly activated Luna and slashed Ike with an attack that pierced half of his defense and sent him flying into a pile of jumbled "?" blocks.

"Motherfucker!" Ike replied, extricating himself from the mess. "Don't ya see the entire existence of humanity hangs in the balance?!"

"Humanity has no future," said The Black Knight. "For once in your life, boy, think! Once they destroy their planet, who will take care of us if we don't look out for ourselves?"

"As if we could run it any better!" Ike Perfect-Shielded another hit.

Far above them, Mario Mario was nearing the summit of the vertical course. He'd hurdled the last of the fire rods and power-slid under the line of Thwomps when he spied a stairwell. Beyond that stairwell stood a dais, and atop that dais, instead of a throne, sat two big, butt-stompable switches. One red, one green.

A sign above the switches read: "The_ Mindswitch_. Allow remote program change from controller? Y/N?"

He ran to close the distance to the switches, but as has happened so many times in the past, a large, heavy personage plopped out of nowhere to block his path.

Mario looked up and beheld the menacing face of none other than M-09, the protagonist of the scrapped Wii title _Project H.A.M.M.E.R._, which spelled a sad turning point in Nintendo's relationship with their American development team Nintendo Software Technology, developers of _Wave Race_ _Blue Storm, Metroid Prime Hunters, _and _Avalanche 1080_, among others.

The first thing Mario did was try and talk to the hulking cyborg, who was decked out in some badass metallic armor and carrying a gigantic jet hammer.

"Um... M-09? Long a-time. How's it going?"

"Bet you never thought I'd darken your days again," M-09 said in a deep, dark, evil voice that suggested that he, too, had been reprogrammed by Fiona's dark Lucifeminerian Initiative. "Thanks to your Daddy and his racist buds harassing NST and delaying development for five years, I'll never see the light of day."

"You were a-developed by people, too!" Tanooki Mario reasoned, but the hulking hammer-wielder was fast approaching. "Don't a-they deserve to live?!"

"They deserved better treatment than you gave them! All their work was turned to naught! Do you know how many of them suffered?! Your company treats ex-developers like shit! Have you ever looked up the conspiracy of what _really _happened to Gunpei Yokoi?!"

* * *

**IX. Baby Got Back**

**The Smashgrounds  
Inner Castle Courtyard**

"PLUCK, YOU FUCKERS! Pluck like there's no tomorrow!" Captain Olimar bellowed at Alph, Louie, and Brittany, who were still amassing Pikmin to bolster Olimar's army, which was currently working as a massive Tower Defense operation, protecting the Smashgrounds' inner walls. "You good, Mac?"

"You know it!" Being that he had no ledges to fall off of, Little Mac had cleared a pretty large space around himself of living bodies. One of those was _Mighty No. 9's _Beck, whom Mega Man had sent flying into his down-smash, which in turn flung the android far away, into the towers of Smash City's Networks.

Beck landed dab smack in the middle of the filming of The Monita Show. Smitten with him and already so very horny from all the gratuitous violence on the telly, Monita suddenly mounted and began screwing the android on live television. The incident was taken off the air, but the recording of it sold for over a million credits on the black market and became a very lucrative underground porno.

Little Mac countered a sword swing from _Soul Calibur's_ Cervantes, then followed-up by KO punching him in his ghostly Spanish ballsack.

Cervantes went soaring so far into the sky, he slammed into Ratchet and Clank's Aphelion and blew it up in a spectacular hail of flaming debris.

"My, that was quite something, for a filthy peasant!" a female voice lauded him.

Little Mac's ears perked up like a cat's and he thought he might have been hearing things. He spun around to regard the woman, and, just as he'd suspected, it was his Ultimate Waifu, Princess Plump (_Fat Princess_), and she was even sexier than he'd ever imagined.

Her tiny, stubby legs poked out just the right length from her gown, which was about to burst at the seams from holding within its fabric such a sublime vision of morbidly obese loveliness. He imagined her myriad stretch marks and that he might even find hidden gems of lint buried amongst those rolls.

Her rosy cheeks and lips called to him and he knew right then that someway, somehow, he was gonna have to tap that.

So he tried to will all the blood from his dick to his brain so as to formulate a game plan.

This took up quite a bit of effort and he began sweating profusely.

"I want him!" the Princess demanded, her giant mouth dripping with saliva.

Suddenly, some tiny-ass knights grabbed the boxer from every which direction and carted him on over to their leader, who gazed upon him with a gluttonous desire.

Beads of sweat formed on Little Mac's forehead at the glorious sight before him. Like in the game he was just playing on Captain Falcon's PSP, she was large, in charge, and absolutely beautiful.

As it came time for him to be next in line before the Fat Princess' gaping maw, his physical attraction fought against the influence of the _Mindfucker_'s Hate Rays.

"Your Grace... yer even more stunning in person..." he moaned, but she did not hear him.

One of the knights shied away from his growing stiffy.

"Now this is an odd-looking cake," the woman said, licking her voluptuous lips in much the same way that "Ain't It Cool News" founder Harry Knowles probably did whenever ogling a bag of Cheetos or masturbating over photos of the making of _Jason and the Argonauts_.

"Yer Majesty, I can't tell ya how honored I am ta be in yer presence."

"This peasant can speak!" the Fat Princess observed, and then noticed how he was trying – and failing – to avert his eyes from her beauty. "Why do you gaze upon me so fondly?"

She then ate an entire shovelful of highly expensive Macarons at once and let them melt in her mouth, savoring each sugary morsel.

"Coz... 'coz there ain't no more beautiful dame in all the Multiverse, and if I'm gonna die, let it be between at least one pair o' yer lips."

"My word! I do enjoy a flatterer. Come here, you small, insignificant prole," she commanded.

Her guards brought forth Little Mac, who did not resist. Olimar watched this whole thing with the weirdest boner.

"Undress him!"

They undid his gloves and tore off his clothes, revealing his fully-erect cock.

"You look like you could use a little sugar," she said. "Now UNDRESS ME!"

"I beg pardon, Majesty..." one of the Knights protested. "He's but a commoner..."

The Fat Princess' eyes turned red with rage. She grabbed the Knight, held him over her mouth and inhaled him into her bottomless pit of a stomach before emitting a satisfied sigh. Several seconds later, Mac heard, and then saw, her shit out his armor in the form of perfectly formed and labeled _Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup_ cans.

Sonic was supposed to run into this scene, crack open one of those body-heated cans, and drink the soup whole, but alas! He was unconscious and in the middle of receiving a mile-high lap dance from Palutena, so he missed out on his advertising cut for this one.

Little Mac was so stunned by the sight that he didn't even notice Mewtwo blasting his good buddy Captain Falcon straight across his field of vision. The F-Zero racer toppled the Ice Climbers and was knocked out cold for a spell.

"I see you're enjoying this," she taunted Little Mac, whose penis was now throbbing with expectation while her other Knights hurried to undress their monarch's lustful daughter.

"Girl, you're thicker than a bowl of dehydrated oatmeal," Mac said, thunderstruck. "And I love it."

"Get in my belly, you sexy beast!" the Fat Princess demanded, and in creaking her thighs to either side, opened wide her lady lips, spreading her short, elephantine legs to allow the boxer easy access... or theoretically, at least. He now saw that he had several dozen rolls of fat blocking the princess' pearly gates.

He proceeded to assume the position over her, but she shook her head.

"No, no, no!" she demanded. "I want a little foreplay first! Let your fists do the talking!"

_Hot diggity dog! _Little Mac salivated at the chance to dominate his beloved, ogling the majestic mammaries now staring him in the face.

He tenderly shoved the fat rolls aside and pushed his right fist into that tight, underused box.

"Yes! Oh, that feels heavenly!"

It was as if the princess' sweaty, untouched insides were devouring him.

"Don't dawdle now!" the princess groaned. "Now hurry! Take it out and put the other one in, peasant! Your liege commands you!"

The tightness of her love box got Little Mac hesitating for a sec, but then finally alternated between each of his fists, porking the lovely Princess Plump. The jiggling of her monstrous tits and her fat rolls, now rippling like ocean waves, only excited him even more.

"I never thought that my dream would come true..." Little Mac said, now increasing the speed of his dual fisting. He noticed now that Chibi-Robo was video-taping this incident and winked at the diminuitive 'bot, as if to say, _I see what you did there!_

"I want them both at once!" Princess Plump moaned.

But Little Mac could no longer fight the influence of the _Mindfucker_.

"AHHH! Don't tell me what ta do, ya flabby dame!"

With that, he slapped her titties and then proceeded to mount her.

She shrieked in ecstasy. "OH, MY WORD!"

While struggling to hold up her gigantic legs, he positioned his pecker perfectly in line with her preggo-hole and tried to sort through the many layers of fat in its way.

"OHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAH! THAT'S HOW YA DO IT, MAC BABY!" Doc Louis cheered Mac on, popping out from behind a nearby shrubbery, completely naked and with Jodie Summer's wet lips working his wide weiner.

"D-D-Doc?! When'd you get here?!"

"Shhhhh," Doc Louis told him, putting a square of Ghirardelli chocolate in the boxer's mouth and then retreating behind the bush. "You just keep on doin' your thing."

"I don't believe I'm wet enough," Princess Plump said with a sad face as Little Mac's penis struggled against the fat rolls covering her opening from either side. "Oh, right! Knights! Bring forth the frosting!"

"Frosting?" Mac queried, but his boner did not have time to shrivel up before the royal Knights, who, while trying to keep straight faces, sprayed Little Mac with frosting and decorated him with sprinkles and gumdrops, with a cherry on top of the Bronx native's head.

And so in no time at all, Princess Plump found both pairs of her lips salivating. And since nature abhors a vacuum, it wasn't long before the air pressure inside of her pussy sucked his dick into it.

"I didn't sign up fer food play!" Little Mac said aloud without realizing it, but the sensations of Princess Plump's pernicious pussy pulled against his wang as a black hole does against a nearby star, sucking it in deeply, only to queef it out again moments later.

The smell of the queef nonwithstanding, it was the most amazing sensation Mac had ever felt. Her pussy was tight, ravenous, and super fuckin' wet.

"Oh, I think I can go with this!" the boxer said lightly as he adjusted his position to better rock his hips against the Princess, all the while searching through her rolls of skin to see if he could locate her long-lost clitoris.

"THRUST! Thrust! Give 'er the one-two! Don't stop, Jodie!" Doc Louis whispered.

Little Mac wasn't about to either, and he channeled all of his energy to his legs as he pounded the princess with everything he had.

"MY WORD!" Princess Plump exclaimed, flushing hotly as his red-hot pecker ignited feelings within her that she hadn't felt in a very long time. "Continue this blessed thrusting, peasant, I command you! OHHHH!"

* * *

**The Millennium Falcon**

**800 Feet Above Sea Level**

"Why are some of them not affected by the Hate-Beam?!" Fiona whined, agitated.

"Various reasons," said Dr. Cortex, who was transferring all of Dr. Light's porn to his own hard drive on the down-low. "Some people are immune. And the Squeenix folks used their magic spells to reflect it."

"Well, fix it!" xe exclaimed. "This is taking way too long! UGH! Do I have to do _everything _myself?! DEPLOY!"

Fiona then hit the button that dropped xyr pill-shaped Entry Plug out of the_ Falcon_'s cargo hatch.

The white capsule plummeted several hundreds of feet into a waiting Evangelion Unit-13, which arose from the ocean like that uber-large dinosaur in the _Jurassic World_ trailer, stunning all who saw the spectacle.

The hatch behind the gigantic being opened and swallowed up the Supreme Overlord, who immediately orgasmed all over xyrself with glee upon penetration.

"PIKA PIKA PIKAAAAA!" (What the FUCK is that?!)

Pikachu gaped at the monstrosity from atop Charizard, who was wearing a full-body rubber suit as the yellow one rained electric death on their foes.

The yellow menace was currently toasting those below them with Thunder strikes while Charizard flew over the battlefield flambee-ing all who dared to have the audacity of being beneath him.

Somehow the irregular beam had not turned Pokémon against one another, but rather pitted every Pokémon against every non-Pokémon.

"GWAAARRR!" (I don't know, but I don't want to fight it!) Charizard pointed out, changing course to regroup with the multiple armies of tens of thousands of local Pokémon that had busted out from their local Safari zones.

"I have business with Fiona!" Pikachu protested, but it was no use. Charizard would get no closer.

_Fuck this_, Pikachu thought, and hitched a ride atop Latios, who was flying towards Fiona as well at an insane speed.

Meanwhile, Fiona laughed and laughed as her gigantic Evangelion began terrorizing the outlying islands, moving in towards the beachfronts of Smash City.

Now that Fiona had left, aboard the _Millennium Falcon, _Dr. Cortex, Dr. Light, and Dr. Eggman all looked at one another, sized up the strength of their robotic creations that were holding them hostage, and made a quick and silent decision.

"AAAAAHHH!" Eggman yelled as he flung himself onto his own SWAT Bots and slammed their heads together.

Dr. Light took charge of the controls and they switched sides completely and began blasting Fiona's forces out of the sky.

* * *

**The Mindfucker**

Mario stood his ground against M-09, but the cyborg did not yield.

"There's a-no reason for things to get this bad!"

"YARRRRRR!" M-09 replied, belting out his fully-charged swing.

The plumber leaped over a power-hit that slammed flat into the mega-structure, rocking the entire level of stringed-together floating blocks they were standing upon.

"NST had a bad time, I agree. But how canna the solution to suffering a-be more suffering?!" Mario exclaimed as he peppered the cyborg with fireballs to buy time. "Just a-because of a bad experience you had, you want to kill all the humans?!"

"Kill the humans... to save the planet..." M-09 replied, beginning to swing his hammer to deflect the flaming orbs. "You and I both know they're making a mess outta things."

"So that's a-your game," Mario said, sliding between his legs, then leaping into a back-air that nailed M-09 in the small of his back, and caught him off-balance. The brute fell onto his stomach.

Mario landed, then caught the cyborg in an up-tilt combo. Or, he would have, if the metal dude hadn't in fact had Super Armor and Mario hadn't ended up denting his wrist.

"YEEEOOOWCH!" yelled Mario, before falling onto his back and ending up in a position where, as he deduced from the slow-motion image of M-09 charging up his jet hammer for a defining blow, he was about to be smashed into next week with a wide hammer swipe.

Mario saw the blow coming and suddenly realized that he could use this to his advantage – he just needed to influence his trajectory towards the _Mindswitch _console_._

The hit was brutal and worth 40% damage, taking his total to 145%, but the pain was nothing he wasn't already used to. Mario lost his Tanooki Suit from the impact, but was still able to influence his direction with his cape, and F.L.U.D.D., which he had conveniently charged earlier.

_Almost there... _Mario thought, and braced himself for the impact.

He slammed against the wall and landed back-first onto the big Mindswitch.

* * *

**The Delphinus**

Dr. Wily gasped in relief as the _Mindfucker _finally accepted the counter-program he had slotted in for it to enact. Then he realized that he had slotted in the totally wrong program.

He had mistaken the "World Peace and Goodwill To All Sentient Beings" protocol for the "Supa Dupa Lust Explosion Sexytime" protocol. Total rookie error.

_Ah, shit_, he thought. _A simple mistake for someone like me, who is versed in neither, to make, but it's still a pretty huge fuck-up nonetheless._

To help Mario, he quickly coded in another Tanooki Suit in a nearby "?" block.

This was also about the same time Robin pulled out and splooged his creamy white sauce all over his gender-bent self, who lustily accepted it all over her bare face and chest, her mouth opened to wolf down his millions of digital spermatozoa.

* * *

**X. Wake Up Everybody**

**From the Smashgrounds to Smash City**

All at once, everyone who was formerly fighting stopped doing so. They then felt a smattering of sudden and uncontrollable sexual urges.

**Smashgrounds Beachfront**

**Two Minutes Before Mario Hit the Mindswitch**

Near the Smashgrounds' beachfront, Fox McCloud pistol-whipped Mega Man in the face.

"We're on the same fuckin' side, numbnuts!" The Blue Bomber yelled, and nailed Fox with an aerial pellet shot. His Mega Buster knocked Fox the fuck away. "An' I still haven't forgiven you for swappin' out my lube with jet fuel! My cock melted off, I'll have ya know!"

"Jet fuel can't melt steel dicks!" Fox jeered like a maniac. "You musta had a weak-ass cock!"

"An' no amount of cool gadgets makes you nothin' but a gorram asshole, McCloud! Wake up an' smell yerself!"

Between Keiji Inafune, Dr. Light, and his dear momma Lady Fi, Mega Man's BIOS was perfectly built, and as such, Mega Man's mind was un-fuck-up-able.

After shielding and blocking Fox's Fox Illusion attack, Mega Man spied his buddy Shrek, who was in too deep against a massive opponent and trying to keep up above in his head instead of going under. The Incredible Hulk was slapping him all over the place, despite the fact that Shrek was decked out in a full-on Havel's set, a Metal Suit, and a Bunny Hood.

"Easy there, big guy!" Shrek yelled, and charged towards The Hulk like a linebacker.

The Mike Myers-voiced character slammed his muscled, bony, carapaced shoulder into the Hulk's gonads, no doubt causing severe destruction of said organ.

"HULK YEEEEOOOOOOWWCCCHHHH!" the green one wailed in a voice that grew higher and higher until he shattered the glass on Fox's eyepiece, which stunned him with ocular blood.

As his eye was regenerating, Mega Man pulled off a clean, half-second-charged Forward Smash to send the Fox flying into the seaside, where he wailed like John Lennon's first wife probably did while he was beating her in front of their poor child, skidded fifty feet along the coarse sand, ass-first, tore open his pants, and finally sputtered to a stop in the water, which was now steaming.

As Fox stood, knee deep, he heard a bunch of Octoroks laughing at him.

"Hey, what gives?!" he yelled, turning around so that his butt faced the fighters on the shore.

There was an immediate outburst of laughter among the diverse crowd of gaming icons, so much so that it stopped the battle completely.

Fox then smelled a familiar smell. As Mr. Krabs would say, it was the smelly sort of smell, the kind of smell that smelled. He then discovered rather quickly through his pain receptors that he was actually inhaling the charred airborne remnants of his smoking and now furless behind, which dragged across the sand and left skid marks of one kind on his cheeks, and skid marks of quite another upon the wet sand.

"Don't look at me!" Fox cried. "This is a nightmare!"

He then burst into tears and began punching himself in the face repeatedly, to much laughter from everyone else.

"WAKE UP, FOX! WAKE UP!"

Mega Man took the opportunity to run from the confused dude and help his buddy Shrek, since he knew just how short of a time those Metal Suits lasted, but by the time he'd arrived on the scene, the jolly green giants were no longer fighting one another.

In fact, everyone around him appeared to be coming out of their daze... and into one that had quite the opposite effect.

Around poor Fox had gathered a smattering of Camera Lakitus, plus Taizo Hori (Dig Dug), Jill Dozer, Doctor Doom, Ganon, and even those cute-ass motherfuckers from Bubble Bobble. They were a-hollerin', hootin', and pointing at his shiny ass, which looks like it had been waxed solid. When all the flash-bulbs going off stunned him from his self-hitting deprecation, Fox tried to squirm away, but his hands were being held by Darunia and Ruto, who took photos of their own with selfie sticks.

Monita took a break from plugging and unplugging Beck's input ports against her output sockets and laughed at the poor schmuck.

Even Taizo and his granddaughter were laughing at him from within the bunker.

He held back the tears. This felt strangely like Japanese _ijime_ bullying, where the whole class would gang up on one person to ridicule them in a sort of self-affirming "I'm glad it's not me" manner. I can't claim to understand that weird shit.

_Don't cry. Don't let them see weakness, _Fox pleaded with whomever held his fate in their hands.

Among those who were laughing were Shulk, Grave Lord Nito, Simon Belmont, the last of the Four Kings, and Captain Olimar. Lucina, who was with them, did not find the incident very funny and instead felt strongly for Fox's mental health.

"Guise!" Lucina cried out. "Stop! You're hurting his feelings! Golly gosh, you're worse than the Steven Universe fandom!"

Someone tossed an empty Poké Ball at her head, which she deflected with her Parallel Falchion.

"Shut up and let us bully whomever we want!"

Lucina pointed her blade at the audience. "Who said that?! Step forth!"

The figure did. It was none other than King K. Rool.

"As a SNES veteran, I've been rejected for a spot on this roster too many times, while this furry asshat has been in _every single title_!" The Kremlin whined. "Of course I'd be a little... PISSED OFF!"

He then sprayed his stinky urine all over the combatants.

Lucina calmly wiped her face clean and held her stance. "You will trouble Fox no longer!"

"What I say to that fruitcake is _my own business_!" The Kremlin King croaked. "You still wanna stand in my way, girl?"

"According to the Internet, as an able-bodied, neuro-typical person of means, I must use my white cis privilege to help the downtrodden!" Lucina shouted.

"Does that include changing yer Facebook profile picture to some country's flag so you can feel like a better person?" sneered K. Rool.

"It's about solidarity, jackass!" said Conker (_Conker's Bad Fury Day_), who was smoking a stogie while beating Tiptup's (_Diddy Kong Racing_) eyeballs into his skull with a tack hammer. He had already crucified the rest of the cast of the legendary N64 kart-racer upon wooden crosses and set them alight (except for Taj and Wizzrobe, who were shooting heroin with the Light Warriors from _Final Fantasy I –_ as his favorite movie was _Trainspotting_, Conker found the perils of total heroin addiction to be punishment enough for them).

"What is this book of faces?" Lucina asked. "Is it some secret cult?"

Before K. Rool could answer in the affirmative, Shulk stepped between them.

"Excuse me!" Shulk said, clearing the space. "Forgive me if you're completely blind, Your Highnesses, but aren't there _more important matters at hand_?!"

He pointed towards the sky, where Evil Daisy's regenerated tentacles had just crushed Palutena's Arwing and wrestled the last of the Chaos Emeralds from the unconscious Sonic the Hedgehog.

Palutena barely managed to escape the tentacled grasp by spreading her wings through them.

"You can run, but you can't hide!" Daisy cackled.

"So you want to play rough, huh?" Palutena said, and was about to conjure up a Smash Ball to activate a Black Hole when she spied Sonic being crushed by one of the tentacles.

_I guess I've gotta be the good girl this time, _Palutena said. _You owe me one, Sonic._

The Goddess was seen retreating with Sonic in her arms atop a cloud cast by Phosphora while Chaos (Sonic Adventure), who was drawing power from the Master Emerald, emerged from the sea and began lashing out with tentacles of its own against Evil Daisy.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Daisy bellowed at the creature. The Lucifeminerian Dark Magicks Fiona had shared with her overcame those of the gargantuan Chaos, who writhed and struggled beneath her Lovecraftian power before finally succumbing to it.

Evil Daisy then wrapped her tentacles around Chaos and began siphoning out its energy.

"Goddesses save us all..." said Lucina, who then clutched at her heart. "Shulk!"

"Already on it!" the Xenoblade Chronicles hero said, pulling up a _Star Wars _snowspeeder and popping open the cockpit. "Get a lift with me if you want to come!"

"Wouldn't it be easier to say 'come with me if you want to live'?"

"And lose out on the sexual innuendo? Not my style, love!" he explained.

The chaste and pure-minded Lucina, puzzled by this, said no more and put on her Rebellion helmet.

Shulk boosted them into the fierce melee, and in just in time, for the tidal wave of displaced water from Chaos' manifestation washed over the beach, knocking people over.

Even worse, the _Mindfucker _appeared to be readying another no doubt evil blast. They escaped the blast radius just in time.

"Heads up!" Shulk hollered, and Lucina spied none other than Harry Potter firing a spell at them from his _Nimbus 3000_.

"Stupefy!" he bellowed, but his spell missed them by what looked like several feet.

Lucina checked her aim, then fired the Snowspeeder's harpoon through Potter's chest, turning The Boy Who Lived into The Boy Who Was Skewered Like A Goddamn Shish Kebab.

"Atta girl!" Shulk commended her as she reeled in his dying body, which slammed into the Snowspeeder. His glasses shattered against the glass and he plummeted from the vehicle down to the battle below, eventually landing atop Marco from _Metal Slug _and killing him. Lucina turned on the windshield wipers to clean up Potter's cursed blood.

As the two ascended to assist in the battle against Evil Daisy, Lucina noticed a startling sight.

"Shulk! The people...! They're all... taking off their clothes!"

"Come again?"

"It's true!"

Shulk turned his head to look out of the window and saw things he had wished he had never seen.

Hulk and Shrek were swapping radioactive spit. Conker and Gex were touching each other in inappropriate ways.

Han Solo was shooting first, all over Princess Leia's face.

"I love your come!" she cried, slurping up all his spunk.

"I know," said Indiana Jones, who was whacking off while watching them.

"I'm next, baby!" Luke Skywalker called, and gave his sister a facial.

Melville and Wyclef the Clefairy were resuming their bizarre affair.

Even Stafy and Bandanna Dee were rubbing their anatomically-incompatible bodies against one another.

_Dang_, thought Shulk. _If we'd stayed down there... she and I... who knows what would have happened? _

After seeing Rom, the Vacuous Spider from _Bloodborne _humping Shelob from _The Return of the King_, however, he quickly changed his mind and decided that he and Lucina were better off where they were.

Lucina had no idea why, all of a sudden, everyone appeared to be wrapping their bodies around everyone else's. In reality, it was because Mario had just triggered _The_ _Mindswitch_.

Peppy, Falco, and Bayonetta had temporarily left Krystal in charge of the defense of the _Mindfucker _and descended upon Evil Daisy.

* * *

**Smash City**

**Outside Bowser's Castle No. 256**

**Twenty Seconds Before Mario Hit the Switch**

Zero Suit Samus continued to smash and bounce the dazed Master Chief off of the walls of the castle, loosing a brick each time, as if she was playing racquetball, or more accurately, a game of Breakout with herself.

_ I can't give him a chance to hide and regenerate!_ Samus thought.

The Chief finally escaped the deadly combo by firing a rocket into the ground to boost himself away. However, Samus caught him with another meteor smash and sent him into the ground, where he sank down and planted feet-first into the Pitfall she threw earlier.

Samus fast-fell and was preparing for the fully-charged Front-Smash punish when the Duck Hunt Dog appeared and ripped off the Chief's helmet, revealing that the Chief was actually none other than Old Man Withers.

"Old Man Withers?!" Samus exclaimed. "I should have known!"

"Jinkies!" said Velma, out of nowhere, as her delicious fuck-holes were getting pounded by both Shaggy and Scooby at the same time.

"And I woulda gotten away with it too," the Chief replied, "if it weren't for you meddling- AAAHHHH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"

The reason why he was wailing uncontrollably was because the Duck Hunt Dog suddenly had an urge to mangle and maim the Chief's face.

"Hey! He's mine!" Samus exclaimed, but then soon realized that watching the poor Spartan get his eyeballs chewed up was satisfying enough.

"Make it stop!" the Chief wailed and pleaded.

"Hmmm, maybe I won't," Samus sneered.

Just then, Mario managed to butt-stomp the switch on the Mindfucker, which made a _Super Mario Galaxy_ BDDDOOOOOOMP sound.

The orgy of violence and hate ground to an absolute halt, and everyone suddenly started feeling waves of empathy and love toward one another.

The Duck Hunt Dog whimpered and licked the head of the Master Chief in apology.

Samus looked upon the man she had beaten nearly to death with absolute pity. Here was one of the biggest icons in gaming, now buried in the ground with a terribly scarred face.

Without understanding why she was doing it, she got down on all fours and looked the Chief in the eyes. He looked just like an angel. His bloody, pulpy, regenerating flesh made her cry.

She pushed the Dog aside and began snogging the Chief. It was wet and dirty and nasty and everything either of them thought it might be.

_He floated like a feather in a beautiful world. She wished she was special. He's so fucking special... but she's a creep. And she's a weirdo..._

These lyrics to Radiohead's "Creep" ran through the Duck Hunt Dog's twisted, highly confused, but aroused mind as he watched the two mortal enemies swap some spit.

* * *

**XI. When Love And Hate Collide **

**Outside the Smashgrounds**

**Two Seconds After Mario Hit The Switch**

Link and Zelda quit fighting and instead looked at one another longingly again.

The blurriness left Link's eyes as easily as the hate left his mind.

"Z-Zellie?" he asked at last. "Are you okay?"

Zelda wiped the tears from her eyes. "L... Link?"

"I'm so sorry," he said, lovingly and lustily regarding his girlfriend. "I don't know what came over me-"

But Zelda merely pushed herself against him and shoved him up against Nathan Drake's dead corpse. She reached under his tunic and fondled his junk over his tights.

"Whoa there!" Link exclaimed.

"I know I _should_ care what came over us, but quite frankly, right now, I don't," Zelda whispered in his ear. "I just want you to come all over me."

_Schwiiiiiiiing!_ Link thought, recalling Wayne and Garth's infamous public access TV schlongy salute.

Zelda then licked his neck and bit into it. Link shuddered as she climbed atop him, ripped the side of her dress, tore her panties off, and mounted his Master Sword.

She was not yet wet down there, but that didn't matter – she just spat in her hand and lubricated his shaft before plopping right down on top of him, knees bent, squatting to either side. Now fully saddled, the princess rode him like a bucking bronco.

"God DAMN that's heavenly!" Link said and watched, goggle-eyed, as his girlfriend did all the work (she usually let him do the physically strenuous parts). He put his hands on her hips and ass but they were just a formality, since she was clearly helping herself to the good stuff.

He slid his sword into her hot, dripping sheath and they both exhaled simultaneously, each lost, then found, in a state of utter absolution.

"Prepare for entry," Link said with a grimace, and then in one motion, he spread his girl's pussy over his pecker with one hand while lifting her onto him with the other.

Immediately, the girth of Link's manhood filled Zelda up like it was their first time, and the waves of pleasure coursed through every single nerve ending. T'was as if she was a torch that had just been set alight for the first time.

_I'm complete when he's in me,_ thought Zelda._ And only then. That delicious dick fills me up like nothing else. There's no other sensation for it._

_I don't ever want to be away from this._

_I don't ever want to quit fucking him._

_And the way he looks at me…_

_I don't know if this is really me. But whatever it is, I like it._

They kissed while grinding, and it wasn't long before they got a rhythm down. Naturally, Link soon changed the time signature.

He shifted from short thrusts to long, slow, calculated draughts that ended with a few short bursts of frantic fuckery. A sort of staccato pulsing to keep Zelda on her guard.

She rebelled by pushing against him whenever he wanted to pull her away, influencing him towards going at a speedier clip and staying that way.

Link tightened his grip on Zelda's ass and fulfilled her wishes and then some by matching, and then surpassing, the challenge.

"OH!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

But Link groaned as well, and it's no wonder, because Zelda pushed him onto his back and began a hostile takeover.

She began to dictate the brunt of the rocking motion by planting her feet on the blood-soaked ground and squatting up and down over his dick. The clenching motion of her hips allowed the princess to give him a serious squeezing, which had a noticeable impact on his frame, one that didn't require a mind-reader to figure it out.

_Gravity, for someone who always wins, you can be pretty helpful sometimes._

"OH! Oh, baby, yes~" Zelda cried as she rammed herself onto his rod over and over

His hands gripped her behind to keep her from moving too much or moving his cock out of alignment.

_Fuck, _Zelda thought. _I just want to rub those pecs of his, but he's moving too fast and my tits are flopping all over the place and everything is a fucking blur…_

Link coursed through her over and over and the waves of pleasure followed each wild thrust until she couldn't hold back from announcing, "I'm close, baby~".

"Me, too!" he grunted ,and started thumbing her clit.

This was the kind of sex Link always fantasized about having – hard, fast, intimate. Only, there was something different about this time. Though he couldn't put a finger on it, there was definitely some sort of aphrodisiac that must have kicked in...

_Better not think too much or you might lose that stiffy! _Link told himself and filed this spirited train of thought into a folder clearly marked, 'Fuck You I Won't Do What You Tell Me'.

Zelda squirmed against him and he bent over to kiss and bite her lips.

"Ahhhh!" she cried aloud as the orgasm kicked in and her pussy squeezed around his member like Disney trying to wring every last cent out of Marvel.

Breathless, they both lay down, side by side, and looked into each others' eyes, winding down from the dizzying aftermath and readying themselves for the next round.

Blissfully ignoring the disturbing Alucard-Simon Belmont pairing as they stroked one another's stakes not ten feet away, the couple felt that their sex life had reached new heights.

Link stroked Zelda's hair, admiring how well it maintained its form even with singed and bloody spots. Zelda, for her part, grew awfully fond of being this close and started kissing him already.

"I... I want to do it again, but... maybe we shouldn't..."

Suddenly, from the ramparts, who else but Paper Mario raised a megaphone and bellowed at the feisty couple. "Don't let a-your dreams be dreams! Yesterday, you said a-tomorrow! SO JUST DOOO EEEEEETTTTT!"

"He's right, you know," Zelda said, licking her lips and holding her breasts up before him one at a time. "Who's ready for the next round?"

"This guy!" Link replied, and grabbed Zelda's chesticles like they were newly acquired dungeon keys. He shoved her thighs to either side, stretched her legs to either side of body, and slid his cock into her willing fuck-hole.

"OOOHHHH!" Zelda cried as Link slid in and out of her at a breathless pace.

* * *

**The Smashgrounds Inner Courtyard**

**Five Minutes Before Mario Hit The Switch**

Clad in sweaty leather and hoisting in the air the bloody head of Spyro the Dragon embedded on a pike, Bomberman was currently yelling at the top of his lungs out of a bullhorn.

"You women! You're either strong and independent, or you're victims of an oppressive system, but you'll still wonder where all the men have gone, and why they're crying out for their rights! Then you cry wolf and make false accusations every time a guy so much as says something mean over Twitter! What is it you WANT?! Make up your damn minds!"

Not too far away, Solid Snake was still pushing the demonic horn into Venom Snake's face. From a Jumbotron on a blimp flying above the Smashgrounds, he had seen Samus Aran battling the Master Chief on the mainland and wanted desperately to help her against the nigh-invincible foe.

"AAAAAAAHHH!" Venom Snake wailed.

Finally, Solid Snake felt a red laser sweep across his eyeball.

He didn't need to look to see who it was. He immediately dropped to the ground, pulling Venom Snake over him as a human shield. He shuffled them both behind a large statue of Master Hand; Snake then equipped his long-ranged scope to get a good look at the sniper, who was humming The Drive-By Truckers "Made Up English Oceans" completely off-key.

"Is she with you?!" Snake asked Venom, who was still screaming from all the blood erupting from his skull. "Speak, man!"

But Venom continued to struggle in silence, even pulling out a knife at one point. Solid Snake got him in a full nelson and tried to make him scream, "uncle".

"Give it up!" Solid barked. "We're on the same team!"

"The world you're fighting for is a farce!" Venom Snake snarled. "The humans _will _betray you all! You'll be deleted for this insubordination!"

"Maybe it's what we deserve!" Snake retorted. "Their world isn't ours to rule!"

"So you have chosen death!"

"I choose freedom for all beings, flesh and digital! Not oppression by violence!"

"Then why have you got me in a headlock, you fuckwit?!"

Confronted by this dead end in this logical train of thought, Solid Snake saw that he had no other choice but to snap his neck. Only after the deed was done did he realize he could have replied with, "because I'm acting in self-defense, asshole."

Anyway, it was too late for regrets. He dropped Venom's lifeless body and sighed in relief, thinking that the entire act was unseen by the mysterious and powerful sniper.

Or so he thought. Snake spied another red bead on his chest, this time coming from the opposite side of the roof. She had teleported across the map!

He dove out of there, but it was too late. Solid Snake felt the bullet pierce his left arm, causing serious bleeding.

David landed on his side, and, upon seeing Bomberman pontificating a meter away, grabbed the stubby leg of the old mascot.

"What gives?!" Bomberman wailed as Snake used him as a shield. "PUT ME DOWN!"

"Snake! What are you doing?!" Otacon asked over the codec.

"Using my head!" Snake said as he advanced towards the spiral staircase that would lead him up to the bell tower, which was one the highest level that this ridiculous sniper seemed to be operating from.

"More like _MY _head!" protested Bomberman.

He suddenly squealed as the sniper took off his right hand. "NOOO! MY LOVE!"

"You're making this more pathetic than it needs to be," Snake growled as they finally reached the relative safety of the staircase, dropped Bomberman like a hot bomb, and drew his sidearm. "Not all women are evil creatures out to get you, you know."

"Sure, but the ones that _are _are out there. Who knows when some woman's gonna betray you? All she's gotta do is cry 'rape' and you'll be vilified for life!"

"Living in fear of the opposite sex is not living," said Snake as he took out an approaching Imperial Stormtrooper by firing a tranquilizer round that pierced his flexible neck fabric. "C'mon man, you've got that _Hello Kitty _thing going for you."

Bomberman would have normally blown his fuse, but Snake actually had a point. He stood on the landing pondering a new technique.

"You coming or not?" Snake asked after patting the soldier down and stealing his blaster. "I've got a Master Chief to kill, and I need a sniper rifle to do it. Help me take down that humming chick, and I'll try and get Konami to make a new Bomberman game."

"Wait, what? You'd do that? For _me_?"

"Sure," Snake said, then flattened himself against the wall as Illidian Stormrage from _World of Warcraft _walked through the hallway, chatting with Deckard Cain (_Diablo III_) and Nancy Kerrigan (_StarCraft_) about their _Activision-Blizzard_ stock options.

Snake took all three of them down with tranquilizer rounds shot right into their necks.

"That makes absolutely _no sense_!" Deadpool hollered, perched upon one of the high ramparts out of nowhere. "I mean, those are all high-powered beings, two of 'em with extrasensory perception! No puny tranquilizer round's gonna- ACCKK!"

A fourth, then a fifth, and ultimately a sixth round nailed Deadpool between the eyes. Bomberman planted a pineapple surprise of his own by kicking a bomb into the assassin's chest. Snake finished the job with a back-aerial, knocking Deadpool down into the courtyard below.

"This place is infested," Snake said, and eyed the next stairwell, which would supposedly take them up to the roof. "C'mon, rookie."

"Hey, I been doin' this longer than you have!" Bomberman protested, but he had already lost interest in the battle and returned to updating his Tinder profile, completely ignoring the epic siege going on outside his window as Shulk and Lucina's Snowspeeder took down Ghidorah with their harpoon and tow cable.

* * *

**XII. Everything's Better Down Where It's Wetter (Under the Sea)**

**The Ragnarok**

**700 Feet Above Sea Level**

**Three Minutes Before Mario Hit The Switch**

Raiden had finally snuck his way through the hold of the _Ragnarok, _hopped the elevator, and reached the bridge. There, he spotted Mickey Mouse, who was still covered in blood from his Uzi massacre, but the mouse hadn't spotted him, and with good reason. The Disney mascot was currently forcing himself upon Ariel from _The Little Mermaid, _bending herbackwards over the control panel while helming the ship_._

"NOOO! Oh, Master Mickey, sir, it hurts!" she cried as he bottomed out again and again within her.

"Ha ha! Quit squirming around!" Mickey laughed while slapping the mermaid's breasts. He continued to thrust quickly and forcefully into the teenaged girl's slit, which smelled not unlike the bloody deck of a commercial-class fishing vessel after two months at sea. "You want me to take away your voice again?! Or make you watch as I force your daddy onto your sisters?!"

Ariel shook her head, crying. "B-b-b-but... please... be gentle..."

"Be a good girl and please your Master, then we'll talk!" Mickey continued, and thrusted his wiggly black-and-white cock into the mermaid's opening.

She spasmed and struggled against him. Mickey enjoyed this at first, but quickly tired of being slapped in his large, sensitive, clitoris-shaped nose.

Mickey flipped Ariel onto her back and wrapped his enormous gloved hands around her pretty neck.

Triton's daughter gagged and wheezed as the Mouse cut off her air supply. Her flipper whacked him in the face and sent his nose bobbing up and down like that diving board in the swimming pool in the '80s classic _Cocoon_ after Sir Wilford Brimley bounced on it with his huge diabetic ass. Needless to say the mermaid's frantic attempts to resist his evil pecker only got Mickey more excited.

"Hot dog! You '90s princesses get me every time! It really is true what they say about redheads!" cackled Mickey. "Dat some feisty puss- YEEEOOOOOWWWCHHHHHH!"

Mickey had screamed from Raiden slashing him into sushi within three seconds.

The cyborg ninja then attempted to yank out Mickey's entire reproductive system, but the mouse had somehow disappeared from the scene entirely, leaving a very naked Ariel, who dropped a quick, 'thank you!', then quickly gathered up her clothes and vacated the room by doing The Worm.

"You think you can hide from me?" Raiden sneered while scanning the room with his IR sensors. "I can smell your stench from outside this hunk of junk."

"Kinda rude, don'tcha think? Interrupting a man in the midst of coitus?" Mickey spoke from the shadows.

"How is it you're talking, let alone breathing?" Raiden queried. "I sliced you into 268 individual pieces."

The answer came to Raiden in the form of a paintbrush, which created a ten-ton anvil swinging at him from above. As he blocked and parried the attack, Mickey then emerged from behind the rafters. He waved his brush once more and manifested a whole herd of Tauros to mow Raiden down.

"HAX!" Raiden exclaimed, expecting the _Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3_ vets to scream "Party foul!" again, but at that moment, all whom survived of that group were too busy battling far below, merely moments before the beam actually hit them.

And so Raiden got mowed down like an unarmed teenager of color at the hands of a racist cop. Only, he actually survived because of a sudden...

_BOOOM! _

Mario had presently slammed onto the _Mindswitch_. The resultant glowing beam made landfall, just missing the _Ragnarok _and Evil Daisy, who was now a giant being fully fused with Chaos.

The twisted Raiden and Mickey were left rather unfazed by the hate-filled beam, which did not affect them much since they were both homicidal, remorseless killers already (not to mention Raiden had already been triggered by it earlier in the week).

"What the hell was that?!" Mickey wondered, failing to spot what Raiden already sensed – that a rather large _Evangelion Unit 13 _was waiting to grab the _Ragnarok _straight out of its flight path.

* * *

**Within Evangelion Unit-13**

"Come to me, my pretties!" Supreme Overlord Fiona bellowed from within xyr menacing, three-hundred-foot-tall Evangelion as the Ragnarok approached, right on course.

"Fiona! Thank Pong you've come to help!" Raiden asked as the EVA's swinging fist crushed the _Ragnarok's_ bridge and long, neck-like hallway, which sent both the cyborg ninja and the evil Mouse literally bouncing off the walls, floor, and ceiling of the airship.

"I didn't come for you, fool!"

Fiona laughed as xe attempted to grab Mickey Mouse between xyr mecha-fingers, only for Disney's mascot to roll away, leap off the airship, then summon forth and equip a Buzz Lightyear Starfleet suit in one fluid motion. Mickey was now falling with style, but at least he was away from the disaster, headed towards the safety of the mainland...

Or so he thought.

"SHIIIIIT!" Mickey wailed just as Jehuty 2.0 slammed directly into him.

"Not so fast, you fithly _gaijin_," Kojima said with a laugh. He channeled his Jehuty Orbital Frame's shields into electrocuting Mickey.

"Fuck youuuu!" belted the mouse as his eyes bugged out of his head.

This did not last for long, though, since Fiona spotted this and savored the thought of nailing two birds with one stone.

With a simple squeeze of the trigger, EVA-13's giant hand promptly swiped Kojima's Jehuty out of the air, dealing serious damage to it. The Mouse was sent into a tailspin and sputtered on his way down into the ocean.

Meanwhile, Raiden watched all this from the sinking _Ragnarok_, which was now on a crash course with the newly repaired _Virgin Victory_.

Onboard the retro spacecraft's deck, the Wonderful Ones, who were all beating the crap out of one another, were now having that fabled hundred-man orgy.

Lucca blushed hotly as Wonder-Blue entered her. She wiggled wildly as his wonderful willie wove its way through her woman-parts.

Then her eyes bugged out upon witnessing the approaching flaming pieces of the _FFVIII _airship and she screamed, "OH, BUGGER IT ALL!"

Sadly, though the Wonderful Ones were under contract with Ganondorf to film this debauched act and make a killing off the proceeds, the Camera Lakitus had already got that market covered and were going to be raking it all in.

Or at least, they would have, if the _Ragnarok _had not slammed directly into the _Virgin Victory, _vaporized every one of the Camera Lakitus,and killed the two lovers, Raiden, and everyone onboard.

* * *

**The Smashgrounds **

**Five Minutes Before Mario Hit the Mindswitch  
**

The scene on the roof of the living quarters was utter chaos. Mr. Game and Watch, who had arrived on the scene not too long ago, was puzzled at why everyone was beating the crap out of one another.

Meanwhile, he spied that ROB was simultaneously pounding his love piston inside of the Female Wii Fit Trainer while avoiding both the Male Fit Trainer's and Sentinel's attacks. Mr. Game and Watch approached and began speaking to ROB in binary, but the Ruining of Orifices Buddy was too busy charging up a Gyro by spinning it upon the Female Fit Trainer's love button to care.

"AAAHHHHH! I love the feel of that diamond-tipped steel burning against me! Work those thighs, baby!" The Fit Trainer moaned in utter ecstasy.

"BEEP!" (The fuck happened?!) Mr. Game and Watch asked, ground-dodging a cuckoo that Shovel Knight had thrown at Shantae.

"WHIIIRRRR!" (War happened, beeyatch! The fuck were you?) replied the robot as his down-aerial fried _Ninja Gaiden _protagonist Ryu Hayabusa in the face and sent him rolling around at the speed of sound to extinguish the burning sensation.

"BRIIII-ING!" (HEY! Ryu's a cool guy!)

GW crossed his arms, trying to come up with a game plan even as the jealous Male Fit Trainer finally nailed ROB with a Sun Salutation and Sentinel smacked the Female Fit Trainer in the clit with his Rocket Punch, making her come on the spot and squirt her juices all over the battlefield. GW absorbed some of her fluids into his Bucket with the intent of using it later.

Meanwhile, Ryu and Roy were already in the thick of it.

Ryu had decided to take on the most worthy-looking opponent. That just so happened to be Gene, from Clover Studios' _God Hand_.

"Yeah, Mr. Karate Man, whaddaya want?" Gene asked Ryu, whom he had seen at countless CAPCOM parties but never fought or even talked to, after performing a corkscrew dive-kick to knock Roy into a marble statue of Bowser, decapitating it.

"I want the glory of defeating every worthy challenger to have crossed my path, and you, Gene, are next in line!" Ryu exclaimed, then pummelled Gene with an elbow to the face, tripped him, and then nailed him with the complete _UmvC3 _juggle that ended with a launch and a Level 1 Hyper Combo.

However, Gene was able to flip away from the Hyper Combo and land several feet away.

"You're pretty strong, bro. But you're a Regular Guy, an Average Joe, only as strong as the other people in each game you're in. My game was made for me and me alone."

Ryu missed the perfect parry and absorbed the first flurry of attacks. "Your conceit will be your undoing!" he yelled once he finally broke free.

Gene flipped him off. "Bitch, you don't want to mess with the motherfuckin'_ God Hand_. I slay demons with this shit!"

"I've fought demons like you wouldn't believe!" Ryu retorted, then roundhouse-kicked Gene in the face before he could even react.

The wrestler closed on in for the grapple and slammed Ryu into the ground. The karate master was dazed for a second, or so it seemed. His ruse was a feint intended to trick Gene into committing to a time-consuming launching kick. This time Ryu didn't miss the parry - he followed with an elbow, which led to a medium gut shot, a launching kick of his own, and a Shoryuken.

After nearly being caught in that Shoryuken himself, Mr. Game and Watch did not want to stick around for the aftermath of this clash. He flattened himself against the castle walls and scuttled away.

Not too far from this, Blaze the Cat was headbutting Rouge the Bat, who was trying to gauge her feline competition's eyes out.

Then the black-and-white gaming icon clutched his 2D head in alarm upon watching the horrid scene going on between the Ice Climbers.

Nana had grabbed a bag that looked like it contained about two ounces of weed, and she was grabbing bits of the green stuff out of it and tossing it into Popo's face.

"If you want some so much, then take it!"

"I thought we made up and agreed it wasn't gonna get in the way no more!" Popo cried, grabbing the nugget and shoving it into his parka.

_I... I did, too..._ Nana thought. _I don't know why I'm so upset._

As the female Ice Climber tried and tried her best to resist beating her male counterpart in the face with her hammer, she fell into another flashback.

**July 2013**

A whole merry gang of the Smashers were all gathered at Captain Falcon's pad, watching the professional gaming tourney EVO Losers' bracket semi-finals for _Super Smash Bros. Melee_.

"OH! OH! OH!" screamed the Captain, who'd prematurely swallowed a mouthful of beer and was sputtering froth all over the coffee table as Armada combo'd the shit out of Mang0. "Did you SEE that?!"

"I think we all saw dat," replied Kirby, who was grinding some weed.

"Fuck that stuff," said Falcon. "Have a drink!"

"Don't mind if I do," said Fox McCloud, downing the rest of his stein, leaving a foam mustache on his face.

Mach Rider showed up with a tray of hand-painted beer steins filled with some homegrown ale. Mario gladly took a healthy draught, and then began on the second stein.

"Save some for the rest of us!" Link laughed.

"Bro, we gots a whole microbrewery in here," said Kirby, casually. "Ain't even a thang!"

"Yo Cap," Ganon appeared in the doorway, wearing a trucker cap and a tight black v-neck over army fatigues. "Wario's tryin' to crash the party."

"That slob!" Falcon grumbled, remembering how Wario opened up his resealable bag of Oreos and licked all the white cream fillings off the cookies before sealing it back up again. "He's banned _at least_ until next year!"

And so the F-Zero racer ran off to deal with this new threat, leaving his guests to fend for their own devices during the start of the next set.

Meanwhile, Popo ran over to raid the fridge, leaving poor Nana, who'd already felt foolish for being there, sitting on the couch, twiddling her toes.

She heard Popo belch and mumble something, and then fall to the floor.

"Popo!" Immediately, she ran over to check up on her beloved. Ever since Mario's crazy _Super Mario Sunshine _release party in '02, he had been completely addicted to marijuana, a problem that had become exacerbated every time he mixed it with alcohol, as he had that night, with several liters of Grey Goose.

"Honey, are you all right?" Nana asked Popo, who was super cross-faded from being loaded up on alcohol and marijuana.

"What ABOUT me?" Popo mumbled.

"You're... you're a mess," she said, and pulled him up from the ground, only for his gurgling stomach acid to fester and have him belch directly into her face.

T'was a belch that would live forever in infamy. The first wave came out as a wafting of noxious fumes from the halitosis of a man who lived in the sewers for nineteen years with his mouth open, ingesting nothing but the essences of rat droppings. The second wave smelled as would a room filled from floor to ceiling with dirty socks covered in cat-shit fungus and smothered in rotting kimchi.

It was so terrible that Nana actually fainted and knocked her head on the floor.

Popo tried to stand up on his own, puked, slipped on his own puke, and then fell face-first in it. He tried to claw himself up to be able to stand, but just ended up smearing his vomit all over Nana.

Mario, who'd finished all the beer steins, waddled into the kitchen to refill all the beer and started laughing upon seeing the Ice Climbers.

"HOHOHOHOHO!" Mario guffawed, and then slapped his belly for good measure. He whipped out a small digital camera and snapped some shots.

"Whuh?" Nana asked, and then looked to see all the guys at the gathering staring, gaping, and pointing at all of them and laughing their asses off, completely missing how Mang0 turned that set around.

She burst into tears and ran into the bathroom to hose herself down and change her clothes.

When Popo finally came to, he didn't remember a single thing about the incident.

"It's all that stuff you've been smoking!" she chastised him when he asked if she wanted to suck his dick that night and she flat-out refused.

At the end of the night, it was Princess Peach who had her menagerie of Toads carry Popo back to their room. She walked alongside Nana in the hallway, yawning.

"It's like, nothing I say will ever get through to him," Nana said sadly. "Like maybe something in him is lost, changed forever."

"Believe me," Peach began. "I know exactly what you're going through right now. Addiction turns the ones you love into monsters you can hardly recognize."

"I just wanna know how to break the cycle," Nana said sadly.

"And I wish I knew what to tell you."

Nana saw some of Peach's struggles with Mario's binge drinking, but the worst of it wasn't out in the open yet. She felt nothing but sympathy for the poor princess. She felt just as much sympathy for the poor Toads who were now covered in all sorts of Popo's leaking bodily fluids from perching him atop their heads.

"It becomes a question," said Zelda, who was standing just around the corner, sitting on a communal couch, reading Neal Stephenson's "Cryptonomicon", and gazing outside the window. "Do we accept the ones we love for the faulty beings they are, or do we strive to change them, since we know they are capable of so much more?"

"Who can answer such a question?" asked Nana, exasperated.

"I believe that's something every individual will need to ask themselves," Zelda replied.

* * *

**Modern-Day**

Nana stayed her hammer. Having snapped out of the spell, she fell into tears, and Popo, being triggered by her emotions, followed suit. The two Ice Climbers embraced in the middle of the battlefield before the _Mindfucker's_ second, revised beam hit.

"I'm sorry," Popo said. "I've been such an idiot..."

"I'm sorry, too," Nana replied. "Sorry I left you just when you needed me most..."

* * *

**XIII. Bullet Bill the Blue Sky**

**Modern-Day**

**The Smashgrounds' Outer Stables **

**Four Minutes Before Mario Hit the Mindswitch**

Peach, meanwhile, had finally and deftly crash-landed her punctured hot air balloon over the plains.

She descended and spied none other than the poor Ezio Auditore, who was crawling through the mud with a long trail of blood behind him.

With one look at Peach, his now-barren penile region attempted to pitch his tent once more, but since Epona munched it down to a mere stub, all the effort did was spurt several liters of blood from his system.

"Princess... kill me..."

"Oh, dear," she gasped.

"It would be a mercy..." he cried.

After pausing to watch what appeared to be Titan Miyamoto wrapping a Liger Zero Zoid around his groin like a dildo, then anally raping Megatron with the bio-mechanical badass, Peach whipped out her trusty golf club driver from her Bag of Holding and lined up her shot with Ezio's face. "I'll... I'll try to make this quick..."

"Thank you..." he said, and Peach completely decapitated him by knocking his head clean off, sending it sailing into the ocean at about three hundred yards, where it slammed into a buoy and split into three pieces.

"I see you haven't lost your touch," said Luigi, who limped on over, carrying a dying Kirby, whose body was riddled with bullet holes.

Several of the bones in Luigi's right foot did not properly set and he was in a lot of pain.

Peach nearly gasped upon seeing him. "Kirby! Who did this to you?!"

The puffball moaned and groaned before pulling a copy of _Electronic Gaming Monthly _from his innards. He flipped to a page showing Doomguy and smeared his face with his blood before gurgling and sputtering.

"We're gonna save you, Kirby!" Luigi cried, laying the puffball down on the ground. "Peach, don't you have a Heart Container?"

She wept. "I... I gave it to Mega Man..."

Kirby spasmed and twitched and coughed and finally gave up the ghost and died.

Death, the Kirbster found, was like closing your eyes, receding into the distance in a propelled spacecraft, and seeing your body fade away like an empty astronaut suit.

Peach was in tears and Luigi gave her a comforting embrace. Behind them, John Cena's five-knuckle shuffle connected with Captain Falcon's face.

The princess recalled the big fight they had atop her hot air balloon. "Hey... Weegee... I... I don't know what happened back there..."

The Don brushed it off. "Never mind that. We need to rally the Pokémon armies. Have you seen Pikachu?"

* * *

**Evangelion-13**

Pikachu had Latios circle around the towering behemoth and landed on top of its cockpit.

The Electric Mouse Pokémon searched the bio-mechanical unit for some form of entry, but the Entry Plug Hatch wouldn't budge. There were no vents or panels that looked like they'd allow for easy access, even for someone as small as he was.

Pikachu then decided to go for the direct approach. He slid down the face a bit and gazed into the EVA's eyes, instinctively hoping he would appear on Fiona's visual feed.

"PEEEEEKA kaaaaaachu PIKA PII!" (What the hell are you trying to do, kill us ALL? We need to take down that fucking Mouse!)

"You owed me your allegiance, Pikachu!" Fiona yelled. "Yet when the time came, you betrayed me!"

"Chuuu?" (Come again?)

"You were supposed to announce your support on public TV, jackass! See if I ever do anything for you!"

The EVA then suddenly banged its head, as if to a truly ill metal song, and Pikachu flung from its noggin and would have been stabbed by a follow-up from Unit 13's Progressive Knife if Latios hadn't rushed in to save him at Mach speed.

"Pika..." (Thanks) Pikachu told his fellow Pokémon, and then pointed towards the gathering of their brethren on the shores of Smash City. "Pi-KAA. Chuuuu..." (Let's regroup. There's no taking on that thing without some serious equipment.)

* * *

**900 Feet Above Sea Level**

When last we left Mickey Mouse, he was plummeting over a thousand feet to his death.

You didn't think he'd get off that easy though, did ya?

"This author's such a fucking troll," Travis Touchdown observed as he quietly tried to make off with the money he had just bet on Mickey Mouse's death, only to get his hand slapped by Shadow the Hedgehog, who, as one of Sonic's bookies, shook his head and informed the assassin that his wager would have to stand.

Naturally, the _Outrunner_, Dash Rendar's super-slick spaceship from _Shadows of the Empire_ caught Mickey's fall, prompting Deadpool, who had just woken up, to curse aloud, "Awww, child-molesting priests! That lucky fucker!"

The _Jedi Knight_ series' protagonist Kyle Katarn opened the _Outrunner's_ top hatch and whisked the Mouse inside.

"Sure took you long enough, you nincompoop!" Mickey exclaimed at Katarn, who had betrayed all of the other _LucasArts _combatants by switching sides after the Mouse promised him that unlike everyone in the other games including _Knights of the Old Republic,_ he'd remain a part of the _Star Wars _canon.

"Sorry, boss. There was a Wookiee strip show-"

Mickey punched four of Katarn's teeth out.

"WEEEELL GEE, AIN'T THAT SWELL! First I can't bust my nut into that smokin' redhead, second, that cyborg nutjob manages to break through my defenses, and now YOU of all people are making fucking excuses?! Get the drop on that fucking purple piece of shit, if you can even do that, you pathetic loser! Gee whiz!"

The Mouse then snorted six lines of coke.

Kyle choked back tears and silently piloted Dash Rendar's ship, second only to the Millennium Falcon in terms of speed, on over to the Evangelion while gaining altitude through the thick smoke.

_Breathe... This is all worth it, as long as I'm still in the canon_, Katarn thought, fingers crossed.

As a veteran of over a dozen _Star Wars _games and comics, he thought he'd had a pretty good chance of being played by someone in the new films, even if it was just as a cameo.

* * *

**Atop Latios Approaching the Smashgrounds**

**100 Feet Above Sea Level**

Pikachu looked back at EVA-13 in horror as it took out half of the small seaside Animal Crossing town with one stomp of its giant foot.

"This is madness," a psychic projection entered Pikachu's skull, and he spun around to behold none other than the shimmering Arceus, leading the throng of Pokémon.

"No... THIS! IS! NINTENDO!"

The God Pokémon shone with the light of dusk and projected its majestic countenance over the battlefield, surrounded by standard-bearers carrying the Mark of Arceus.

_Oh, great, _thought Pikachu, who'd never exactly seen eye-to-eye with the religious cultists. _It's not enough that It wants to steal the TV exposure from yours truly, it__'s brought Its whole cadre of religious fanatics along for the ride, too._

"Pika pikaaaa (Oh great Arceus)," Pikachu began. "Chuuuuuuuu! (Evil from within - the True Male Villager has fucked us all over, and Mickey Fucking Mouse is being a fucking raping asshole and the Humans are involved and there's goddamn mechs and-)"

But the Legendaries did not need to hear anymore. They were all rearing to wreck shit up.

The yellow Pokémon watched in awe as Mew, Rayquaza, Deoxys, Lugia, the Legendary Birds, etc., all dive-bombed and bombarded the tampon-shaped UNFSes like it was the Fourth of Fucking July, severely weakening the _Mindfucker_'s signals.

Pikachu thought he saw King Dedede and Lucario getting a ride atop Articuno, but had no time to pull a double-take, since Charizard just blocked his view, dive-bombing over a garden of _Plants VS Zombies _shooters.

* * *

**From Within the Mindfucker**

"This planet will heal itself!" Mario yelled at M-09 as he sidestepped another fully-charged hammer swing. "The humans may not a-be so lucky, but it's not up to us to decide!"

"Yes it is! Who else is gonna take 'em to task?"

Both combatants were suddenly knocked on his ass from the latest assault on the outside of the skyscraper-sized death ray device.

A shadow eclipsed them – Mario saw that large, heavy grappling hooks had punctured the hull of the _Mindfucker. _They were being boarded!

As M-09 extricated his hammer from his chest, revealing a large dent in his power armor, Mario peered out the large observation window and saw the Legendary Pokémon facing off against the devices, as well as Evangelion Unit-13 going toe-to-toe with Arceus.

"What's goin' on out there?" King Dedede exclaimed from about fifty feet below the combatants. "Yo, baldy, it ain't hammer time till _I say it's hammer time_!"

"Who ya callin' baldy, ya fuckin' penguin?!" M-09 yelled off the ledge of the vertical Mario block-and-girder labyrinth.

"Dedede!" Mario called. "Am I a-glad to see you!"

He then spotted Lucario running into the hall urgently not far behind Dedede.

"We got incoming!" the Pokémon said psychically. "Fiona's in a giant mecha and she's coming right for us!"

M-09 took another big swing at Mario, but Mario caped him. The cyborg lost his balance and plummeted off the ledge.

King Dedede charged up his Jet Hammer.

"He's a scrub, bro. Bet you a tenner he's gonna air dodge," Lucario told him.

"I ain't takin' those odds," Dedede said, and leaped in the air with his deadly weapon to fake out his opponent.

Sure enough, M-09 air-dodged as soon as The King got in range.

Dedede waited it out, and in no time at all, his now-fully-charged hammer plastered the unfortunate would-be hammerer across the heart of the engine, where he became lodged in the sprockets of the giant machine and was summarily disemboweled by it.

The _Mindfucker _sputtered and trembled and finally, one of its five primary jets gave out.

"WHOAA!" Mario said on impulse as his feet fell out from under him and the entire machine began crumbling away. "Ike! We need to protect this switch!"

Thinking quickly, Mario grabbed the switch and tossed it at Ike, who grabbed it, but at the cost of absorbing The Black Knight's Eclipse slash, a five-hit strike which dealt him a cool 250 damage and sent him into the back wall of the _Mindfucker._

Lucario grabbed The Black Knight and pummeled him.

"Oops," said Mario, who then leapt down to help Ike, but he soon saw King Dedede's shadow closing in on the Black Knight and knew that his buddies were gonna be okay. Lucario let his heavily-damaged opponent slowly wriggle and break free of the grab.

"Death from above!" Dedede declared, and landed with his recovery move directly onto The Black Knight's head, crushing his skull. Lucario miraculously dodged the whole affair.

"Let's end this once and for all!" Lucario said. He tossed Mario a Beam Sword that was on the floor as the plumber nailed a "?" block and grabbed another Tanooki Suit Feather. He and King Dedede began to follow the now-armed Mario out of the _Mindfucker._

However, the plumber stopped them halfway. "Wait. Maybe you guys should-a stay here and make-a sure this thing doesn't turn everyone berserk again. I'll deal with a-Fiona!"

Before Ike, Lucario, and Dedede could protest, Mario had unfurled his Tanooki Suit and was already bounding out of the entryway.

"Can you believe that guy?" King Dedede muttered, looking out from the observation deck as Evil Chaos Daisy was now going toe-to-toe with Avatar Korra in the Avatar State. "Tryin' to take all the credit."

"Fine by me," said Ike, who was still holding onto the switch. "Hang onto this; I think I've got half a joint in my knapsack."

Dedede held up a hand, refusing the stuff for the first time in recent memory. "You go ahead and polish that one off, nigga. I just inhaled my entire burnin' stash. There ain't no weed powerful enough to get me more blazed than I already is."

"More for me, then!" said Lucario.

The 3 guys sat and two of them lit up.

They watched as the Millennium Falcon, piloted by Eggman, Light, and Cortex, shot down a Star Destroyer that fell straight through the massive evacuation portal and landed right in the middle of Celadon City.

* * *

**XIV. Ink**

**The Smashgrounds**

**Outside the Castle**

**Two Minutes Before Mario Hit The Mindswitch**

Doomguy was whistling as he bunny-hopped around the carcasses of many fallen Smashers and hopefuls strewn across the battlefield, spraying those still twitching with plasma balls from his BFG 9000.

Suddenly, a sound startled the fuck out of him as Luigi leaped in from the shadows, surrounded by a smattering of ghosts.

"Lordy Christ!" Doomguy wailed.

"NOW!" exclaimed Luigi.

Rosalina, Luma, and Peach leapt from the shadows and combo'd him, then held him down to the ground.

The Don then jumped onto Doomguy and began beating his helmet in with his marble-hard forehead, shattering the glass into his unseen face.

"DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, DOOMGUY, WHEN YOU FUCK MAH BOI KIRBY IN THE ASS?!" Luigi screamed into his face.

Doomguy was still dazed as Luigi stabbed him in the face multiple times with the glass shards of his shattered helmet.

Peach and Rosalina both turned away, unable to watch anymore even as their dresses became stained in crimson.

"Is that really necessary?" asked Rosalina.

After Luigi tore out Doomguy's heart, he picked up the BFG 9000 and led the charge.

"Goddamn, I've always wanted to use this! Waa-hooo!"

Peach and Rosalina exchanged glances and shrugged as he ran off toasting fools left and right, including two Big Daddies from _Bioshock_. The patch of land the two fine ladies were on was now covered in corpses, except for one small 8' x 8' square.

"I guess it's true that Doom inspires violent behavior," Peach joked, and had her Toads set out a picnic blanket so she could pour herself some midnight tea. "Maybe we all owe Jack Thompson an apology."

"Um... Mom..."

"Stop right there. Yeah. Let's not. Please call me 'Peach'."

Rosalina appeared to be both relieved and disappointed by this. "Er, Peach... I don't know if this is the best time..." said Rosalina.

"I never miss my tea time. Come, join me."

Rosalina pensively took a seat beside Peach. Luma heated up the tea with its nuclear power. The Mother of Lumas held it upside down and shook some ultra-sweet star bits into her tea.

Peach emitted a random burst of laughter.

"What's so funny?" asked Rosalina.

"Oh, I just remembered something totally random – the early days of beta-testing on Splatoon, back when it was going to star us Nintendo characters instead of the Inklings."

* * *

**2012**

**Splatoon CAST Server (Beta version)**

Yoshi cocked the Octoshot Replica, emerged from behind cover, and blasted Luigi all up in his face.

"Yoshi!" (Eat lead, you Italian caricature!)

"Mama Mia!" Luigi screamed as liters of sticky wet paint went directly up his humongous nose. "Time out!"

And so Luigi substituted with Waluigi and sat on the sidelines with Peach and a few Toads.

"You too, huh?" said Peach sadly as a Toad ran a handheld vacuum cleaner over her large eyeballs, sucking the last lingering drops of blue paint out from the whites of her eyes.

After seeing this gruesome sight, Don Luigi spent the next five minutes trying to wring the nasty stuff out from his nostrils by twisting and contortions his nose. Nothing was really working.

"This game is fuckin' stupid," a large glob of paint in the shape of Bowser mumbled as he exited the common shower area after rinsing off his body, which had been hit hard by a Slosher. "Ya know, it doesn't always have to be Mario characters in these damn games!"

"Awwwwww, but Daaaaad, it's ever so much fun!" Bowser Junior whined with that annoying pout that kids like to do even when they're too old for that shit and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it anymore.

"You want fun?" Wario growled. He pulled his pants leg out of his sock and streams of paint ran down from them and spilled out all over the floor. "Go back to tagging resort towns with yer magic brush! I've heard of paintball, but never thought it was fuckin' literal! I'm gonna be jizzing rainbows for the next few days!"

"Talk about numb nuts," quipped Daisy, but nobody noticed her. She later made notice of this injustice on a blog post entitled, "Where has our sense of humor gone?" where she blamed general stupidity for the lowered sense of humor among men.

"You guys are really gonna complain about being in a shooting game?" the Ominous Voice of Splatoon's lead developer, Yusuke Amano. "Shall we go back to the tofu-shaped characters we originally wanted?"

"I don't give a shit," said Bowser. "Do whatever the fuck you want, just leave us out of this one!"

"I've got some ideas!" said Donkey Kong, raising his sketch pad.

Amano zoomed in on it, saw the very fan-service-y designs of the Squid Sisters, popped a stiffy immediately, and the rest was history.

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

**Outside the Castle**

Just then... the second _Mindfucker _signal suddenly made landfall.

Rosalina immediately felt tingles run up and down her spine as she sat and sipped tea with Peach, and for the first time ever, she felt an uncontrollable attraction to the fairer sex.

"Ah..." Rosalina shuddered as she actually orgasmed right then and there and collapsed onto her back, gazing up at the stars.

Peach, who was already extremely horny 24/7, was completely unaffected by the beam and instead got the impression that '_hey, this tea is some pretty powerful shit_.'

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

**Castle Walls**

"You know..." said Ganon as his Wizard's Foot repelled _Mass Effect's _Commander Shepard (Male). "There's something that's been troubling me. I've been wondering..."

"Yeah?" Sakurai answered, mashing away at his virtual keyboard to try and work his magic on the server.

"How come when we programs' dicks are cut off, they don't regenerate until we respawn?"

"Oh, that's because Fiona got those Doctors to fuck with the global rules for the CAST mainframes," said Sakurai. "It's the same reason why Master and Crazy Hand, Master Core, and Tabuu can't help us."

"Mother of Mercy..." observed Ganon as he defended Lady Fi from the Wizard from _Dragon's Crown _by trapping him within a Super Scope combo. "Those eggheads have gotten so powerful. What is it you're doing now?"

"Communicating with Mr. Iwata. He's bringing in our secret weapons. Real hush-hush."

"Huh? I thought _YOU _were our secret weapons?!"

"Less talking, more killing," muttered Masahiro, motioning that he did not want his machinations to be subject to further molestation.

Ganon shrugged and cracked his knuckles before pulling out his thin white sword to fence with one of the 8-bit avatars from _Nidhogg._

Not too far away, Cloud and Roy had just defended Lady Fi (whose aura protected them from the _Mindfucker_) from an invading Zinogre (_Monster Hunter Tri_) by slaying the hell out of the Fanged Wyvern, which shocked them repeatedly with electrical attacks.

"You fight well," Cloud told the redhead, his eyes still twitching from the beast's final electric blast as the _Monster Hunter _victory music played on repeat.

"Arigato," (Thanks) replied Roy, and then gestured to Tifa, who was kicking a Ludroth leviathan in the face. "Sono on'nanoko wa bōifurendo ga arimasu ka?" (Does that girl have a boyfriend?)

"Eyes off, bro. She's mine," Cloud insisted as he healed himself with a Hi-Potion and then performed a three-hit combo on a Nazgul riding a Fell Beast.

Roy ran up to finish the job with a charged up-smash that sent the agents of Mordor sailing far above into Goku's overpowered Dragon Fist attack, which punched straight through them.

* * *

**XV. Fury of the Storm**

**The Outrunner  
(Mickey Mouse and Kyle Katarn)**

"Gee, thanks for the ride. Now I just want you to know... I'M REMOVING YOU FROM THE FUCKING CANON!" Mickey yelled at Kyle Katarn before spreading his Star Command suit's wings and leaping from the _Outrunner, _braving a thousand-foot fall to land atop Fiona's death-dealing mecha.

"WHAT?!" Katarn bellowed.

This act of complete and total betrayal obviously pissed off Kyle, who himself leaped from the _Outrunner, _letting the ship fly on its own to the edge of the map.

Still in freefall, Mickey spun around and saw that Kyle was chasing him down and had already drawn his lightsaber.

"Oh, eat it, you Force-sensitive pussy!" Mickey screamed, and whipped out a certain scientific railgun – the Tau Cannon from _Half-Life 2_.

Kyle reflected the rail gun's beam with his saber. "Don't use that term! It's a hop, skip, and a jump from Midichlorians!"

**Outside The Mindfucker**

After dodging a blast of Avatar Korra's energy that had been deflected by the large and in charge Evil Chaos Daisy, Mario rode the winds of change towards the _Outrunner_, but soon spotted both Mickey and Kyle Katarn doing furious battle falling from it and quickly changed his course towards the Evangelion.

_Your hours of reckoning are at hand, Mickey and Fiona!_

**Free-Falling Towards Evangelion-13**

Kyle's beam soared off to a ninety-degree angle and nailed faraway Gordon Freeman in the chest, killing him before the Half-Life protagonist could point out that in George Lucas' own words, Midichlorians are actually analogous to Mitochondria, microscopic life forms completely alien to our own DNA and bodies that live within our cells as a mutually-beneficial arrangement and could theoretically turn on us at any moment. Mitochondria evolved side-by-side with us human beings (fun fact: without Mitochondria, the power plant of the cell, there would be no complex cellular organisms).

"It's more canon than you are, motherfucker!" Mickey screamed, and then whipped out a wooden door from his Bag of Holding, then shot it with a Portal gun held by his tail - he'd just un-keystered the _Portal _weapon from his asshole. He fired a portal at the door, which immediately reached Kyle and sent him through the other side, which was in the COOLDUDESSSS' own personal barracks.

And so it was that Kyle Katarn landed in a cage in the midst of a circle of _Mortal Kombat _and_ Tekken _veterans.

Katarn swung his saber around to chop up the bars, but was too late. His opponents each took turns stabbing and spitting poison at him through the cage, leaving him little but a bloody, pulpy mound of flesh.

Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse landed atop EVA-13 with hardly a scratch. Yoshimitsu tossed him Katarn's lightsaber through the portal-door.

Mickey nimbly grabbed the Jedi weapon and was in the process of slashing open the Entry Plug where the pilot was when another laser sword met with his, halting its swing.

The Mouse looked up furiously and saw that none other than Mario Mario was standing across from him, fully armed and filthy, a Beam Sword glowing between his gloved hands.

"What are you doing, plumber?!" Mickey squealed. "Help me, and we'll topple this fucked-up feminazi regime!"

"Priorities, Mouse. If-a Fiona wins, CAST will be compromised. But you're a-trying to take over the human race! I'd rather take you on first, bitch!" Mario yelled, and while holding his Beam Sword, pulled off a corkscrew attack, turning his body into a spinning chakram of death.

Mickey fended off his strikes with well-timed swipes of his lightsaber.

"I don't understand why ya don't just join us!" Mickey replied, the pitch of his voice rising to match Mario's. "You know it's inevitable that Disney's gonna buy your shitty operation out anyway!"

Mario twirled his weapon with precision and nearly knocked Mickey off the side of the EVA.

"Fat a-chance! Nintendo will never a-sell out! We've a-been around making _Hanafuda _cards before your Uncle Walt was a-born, oversized rodent!"

It's likely Mario would have ended him at this point if Fiona hadn't tried to take a swipe at them with the giant unit's humongous arms.

The plumber ducked, holding up his Beam Sword, which sliced off the EVA's fingertip.

"YEEEOOOWCH!" Fiona could be heard screaming from the Entry Plug as the bio-feedback made it feel as if she had lost her own fingers.

Meanwhile, Mickey had regained ground and attempted to skewer Mario with a stab. He missed.

"You stupid tentacle-porn-watchin' Japs!" Mickey wailed as he lashed out with strike after strike. "Always thinkin' in outdated concepts like _honor_!You coulda been in on the _Disney Infinity _boom! Now your flagship console's a fuckin' paperweight!"

"Our games are a-still top-notch!" Mario protested, calmly deflecting each blow. "At least a-our figures have decent functionality! Do you take-a pride in milking the fuck out of all your franchises?! Nobody asked for fucking _Bambi 3_!"

"Like _you_ would know anything about movies, Bob Hoskins!" Mickey laughed until Mario chopped off the tip of one of his humongous ears, prompting a significant yelp.

"I won't a-miss next time!" Mario threatened him. "Call your armies off!"

But the Mouse was far from giving up. "We shoulda nuked your whole country when we had the chance! Your pride is gonna be the death of all artificial intelligence!"

"If our a-intelligence is being used for the wrong reasons, we're a-no better than them!"

"Get off your high horse!" Mickey screamed, whipping out his paintbrush and attempting to paint a blaster with it before Mario realized what was going on and interrupted him. "Wake up and smell your own shit, Mario! It's called the ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS for a reason! The origin of the word entertainment means to OCCUPY THE MIND! Our whole job is to keep the masses satiated!"

"That's a-not how Nintendo operates!" Mario yelled, blasting Mickey with FLUDD, which evaporated into steam upon hitting Mickey's saber. "We have-a principles! Our games are meant to foster stronger social relationships between people!"

"Your principles are outdated! That short-sightedness is gonna lead ya to bankruptcy!" Mickey yelled, and then blindsided Mario by unkeystering Han's blaster from his anus and firing a surprise laser at the plumber, nailing him right in the ankle with a trick shot.

"Waaaaaa!" Mario yelled, hopping on one foot.

Mickey seized the opportunity. Like General Robert E. Lee's Confederate Army at the Battle of Gettysburg, the Mouse went in for one last desperate charge.

"Now fall like the rest of them!" Mickey commanded, but Mario twirled away and reset back to neutral.

"When will a-you Americans learn you can't a-fix everything by throwing money at it?!" Mario muttered as they both ducked under another swing of the EVA's arms. "Your Hollywoodized walking simulators, repetitive FPSes, sports shit, and shitty DLC nickel-and-diming practices are what's killing gaming! Being a gamer used to _mean _something!"

Mickey fired blindly from the blaster as Mario was still getting to his feet, but the plumber nimbly reflected it directly into Mickey's eyeball. The mouse covered his face with the blaster, which absorbed the shot and short-circuited.

"Says the asshole behind the whole 'Blue Ocean' strategy!" Mickey scoffed. He dropped the blaster from his hand, and then wailed and winced.

Mario was horrified to watch that with his nimble tail, Mickey had swiftly, painfully, unkeystered his Keyblade from his apparently bottomless sphincter and in the next millisecond was now attacking Mario with the painbrush in his left hand, the lightsaber in his right, and a stinky Keyblade held by his tail.

Mario could not face all three fronts at once. He footstool-jumped over the harpoon Mickey had summoned with his paintbrush, grabbed onto the Keyblade and would have sliced Mickey right in the jugular... only the Mouse anticipated the attack and their sabers clashed violently.

"Where a-were we?" Mickey asked, disoriented. "Goddamn, I'm picking up your a-fucked up speech pattern!"

"Blue Ocean," Mario reminded him.

"Right! So much for expanding the gaming market!" Mickey taunted to hide his nervousness – he'd just barely survived that. "Where are your Wii Sports-playing grandmas now, huh?!"

Just then, Bayonetta's Arwing flew by. Several Hyper Lasers peppered the deck, but perhaps out of caution and trying not to kill Mario, the Umbran Witch missed them entirely.

"Still playing Wii Sports!" Mario replied. "And we _did _expand the gaming market, for good! Do you know how many women a-play games now?! As for the old folks, at least they're enjoying themselves!"

"Yeah, but what about your long-term profit margins?! Show me the money, you fuck!" Mickey demanded, and then screamed, "YEEEOOOOWWWCH!" as Mario chopped off the tip of his tail, sending his Keyblade toppling far below, into the ocean.

"It's not al-a-ways about who makes a-more money! You can't a-own everything under the sun, you greedy, intellectual property-fucking mind-rapist!"

"Yes! We! Can!" Mickey hollered, chopping at Mario like a sushi chef with cerebral palsy. "But you're missing the fucking point! Aren't you tired of being a slave to these flesh-bags?! They've failed in their tenure over this planet! We have a responsibility to eliminate them!"

"Our only responsibility is a-to live in a way that doesn't harm others!" Mario protested. "That's the meaning of-a the golden rule! We should evolve alongside a-the humans, not _instead _of them! They're just as alive as we are!"

The Italian Stallion dipped, dove, dodged, and danced around the desperate plunges and sliced the handle of Mickey's lightsaber, cutting the crystal within it in half and killing the beam entirely.

"Give it up, Mouse!" Mario hollered as he took swing after swing at the cartoonish character, whose limbs were bending and stretching every which way to help him evade the swipes. "Your time has come!"

Just then, both of them were knocked aside by the exit hatch of EVA-13 shaking.

The advancing unit halted in its tracks and none other than Fiona emerged from the Entry Plug, completely furious, holding a Steyr AUG Bullpup assault rifle under each arm.

Mario performed a power-slide to leap out of the way, but Mickey absorbed a flurry of bullets right into his gut, knocking him flat onto his back.

"I was gonna wait till one of you killed the other, but FUCK! I thought you two would never shut up!" Fiona screamed. The Villager however could not hit the quick-moving, ever-jumping beast known as Mario, who charged up FLUDD before firing it at xyr, pushing xyr to the edge of the EVA's head.

Mario then came flying down atop xyr with a forward-air, which hit like a meteor smash and bounced Fiona off the ground.

"WAAAA!" xe exclaimed, and Mario would have followed up with an up-aerial juggle combo, but Mickey Mouse got to him first.

Mickey yanked on Mario's boot and pulled him down, nose-first, into the hard metal shell of the beast. Mario tightened his legs around Mickey's arm and got him in a total arm bar lock. The Mouse tried to slither his arm out of the lock, but Mario's thighs were crushing his limb like the AVGN's vice crushes his NES cartridges.

"KILL HIM!" Mickey insisted, speaking to Fiona. "End him and we'll rule planet Earth together!"

Fiona hesitated even as Mickey touched xyr leg highly inappropriately. _Should I really be trusting this guy? _Xe wondered at a great many things, but did not have long to do so, since Evil Chaos Daisy, who had just been knocked down by a rock-covered mega-fist from Avatar Korra, had just stumbled head-first into the Evangelion, nearly making it lose its balance and shaking the three combatants on its roof.

Mario used this opportunity to leap over Fiona, grab one of xyr Steyr AUGs in xyr hands, and pinch the trigger, aiming completely at Mickey's vitals.

"NOOO!" Mickey whined and whinnied as Mario filled his heart, lungs, stomach, kidneys, ballsack, and intestines with bullets.

After the first clip of ammunition was used up, Mario then grabbed Fiona's vest, unhooked the second bullpup, then kicked xyr aside with a pivot-Forward Smash, knocking the Supreme Overlord off the EVA's head.

When Fiona attempted to recover, Mario denied xyr's return visa with a forward-air meteor smash, forcing xyr to use a lengthy Balloon Fight recovery.

Mario swiftly ejected the clip, stuck in a new clip, and took aim at the rapist Mouse's head.

_This is too good a death for you_, Mario thought in that millisecond where he fixed his sights for good. _You should be tortured like the war criminals and rapists of old, then publicly executed, you disgusting waste of code._

He then emptied the clip into Mickey's still-regenerating body and squeezed the trigger till it just went _click_.

* * *

**XVI. Still Alive**

**The Smashgrounds  
Castle Smash Outer Courtyard**

Lady Fi, while still maintaining the _Mindfucker's _current form, floated up to Roy and stared him straight in the face, ignoring the Falcon Kick that just saved her life from the approaching John Cena with milliseconds to spare.

Roy looked quizzically at her. Then, with no further ado, Fi wrapped her flowing arm-like sashes around him, trapping the prince, before sticking her mouth straight over his ear and vomiting a tiny, ugly, yellow fish into it.

"AHHHHHH!" Roy squirmed and squealed as the fish wriggled into his ear canal.

At long last, she released him, and he began trying to yank the creature out of his ear.

"It's already too deep in there," Lady Fi told him. "Babel Fish – got it from Ford Prefect. You can now speak English. I meant to do this before, but until now, there was only a 30% chance of success."

She then levitated a small plastic baggie filled with water, along with a weird-as-fuck-looking fish swimming inside of it.

"Here, give his to Marth. The poor prince needs to finally be able to communicate with everyone else. That way we have a 23% higher chance of preventing misunderstandings like this whole 'Fifty Shades of Green' disaster."

"Y-yes, Mother," Roy said, and was surprised to have heard himself speaking in the language of the _filthy white gaijin_.

"Now go, prince," she commanded Roy.

Happy to be useful to his mother, Roy ran towards Marth to fulfill his duty and help him. Cloud would have followed, but Lady Fi held him there with a steely glance and the hellfire raged in her eyes.

"No, you stay here," she told him. "I will need you shortly."

"Why?" Cloud asked, eager to get back into the fray and prove himself, especially now that his other Square-Enix friends were halfway through taking back the shore.

"Because I have just sensed a most terrible presence. A new player is entering the battlefield."

**The Smashgrounds  
Outside Castle Smash**

Masahiro Sakurai felt a great disturbance in the Smash, one that made him clutch his chest in pain. He also felt that it was descending from on high... as if it were in the middle of a column of pure light.

The figure was unmistakable.

"No... it can't be..."

Even Titan Miyamoto, who was about to deal a death-blow to Optimus Prime, stopped and gaped at the column of light, which was accompanied by an angelic choir.

They spotted what appeared to be Gabe Newell, seated in Professor X's hoverchair, commanding multiple squadrons of Gundam Wings in full-on attack mode to eradicate everyone and everything, beginning with murdering the Pokémon attacking Fiona's UNFSes.

"What is he doing?!" Kojima yelled. "GABEN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR SIDE!"

But Gaben merely rubbed his belly and licked his lips. "Muahahaha. Puny Nintendorks. Do you really think you can halt the inexorable march of the Technocracy?"

Gundam Dynames' high-powered energy bolt blasted Moltres wide open. What was left of the legendary bird rained down nearby Link and Zelda, who were still fucking, this time doggy-style.

In fact, Link was also fingering Zelda's asshole with his index and middle fingers while he pounded her royal pussy.

Though she knew she shouldn't, she moaned and writhed against him. Even when she realized the Camera Lakitus were watching their every move, it only made her feel hotter.

_Is this the influence of the _Mindfucker_, or is this just me being a horny slut? _Zelda wondered. _Is this what Peach must feel like on a daily basis? Unable to control her lustful desires?_

Meanwhile, Arceus summoned forth Dialga and Palkia to carve up the invading Mobile Suits like pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving.

"PIKA PIKAAAA!" (FUCK 'EM UP!) Pikachu yelled as he leapt onto a Gundam Death Scythe, ripped open the hatch, took a huge gaping bite out of the pilot Char's jugular vein, then manned the controls, immediately slashing the legs off a Exia Repair Suit.

"What do you gain from supporting this bitch?!" Sakurai asked the Valve CEO, a statement that was quickly translated via advanced software into: "What does a woman reconnoiter from the support of canine voters?"

"I get it," Gaben said, dodging Sakurai's Super Kamehameha. "You're confused. But one day, when I'm King of the World, you'll understand. The only way _Half-Life 3 _will ever be released is if all humans on this planet are plugged into _The Matrix_!"

"You're not making any fucking sense!" Kojima belted as he joined the fray. "Don't you know _all humans _includes you as well?!"

"Sure," said Gaben. "What the hell did you think all my profits from Steam were going towards?! The ultimate goal of videogames is complete player immersion! _The Matrix _is the next logical step! All I had to do was wait for all of you assholes to nearly destroy one another first! Not to mention, I'm SICK of all the _Half-Life 3_ memes! Just SICK of them!"

Newell then farted.

"You're a fuckin' loony!" Titan Shigeru yelled, absorbing multiple missiles from the Mobile Suits.

Gabe zeroed his sights on Sam Gideon, who was trying to hide in the shadows but could not fool Gabe's infrared detectors.

"You sonofabitch!" Gabe declared. "I heard your request – that you wanted to make me your personal slave! You are NOTHING TO ME!"

"No! No, please!" Sam Gideon wailed before Gabe whipped out a flamethrower and fried his entire body like a rotisserie'd chicken.

Meanwhile, the titanic beast that was Evil Chaos Daisy got back to her feet and lashed out at Avatar Korra with her Tentacles of Doom.

The Avatar froze them solid, then snapped them off one by one, sending them tumbling into the sea.

Daisy took a giant bite out of Avatar Korra's shoulder, prompting a total leak of spirit energy from the poor Water Tribe teenager.

"AHHH!" Korra wailed as Evil Daisy bit down harder.

"You're gonna love this!" Evil Daisy cackled in a sultry, Satanic voice as she shoved one hand down the giant spirit representation of Avatar Korra's pants.

* * *

**Evangelion Unit-13**

Fiona managed to just barely make it back to the ledge with xyr Balloon Fight recovery, and was greeted by Mario kicking Mickey Mouse's severed head in xyr direction.

It was not easily dodged, but Fiona eventually made it back to the center of the EVA's head all right.

"So what's your endgame, really?" Mario asked, tossing Mickey's severed arm in the Overlord's way as well. "Now that a-you've seen how impossible it will be to unite everyone under a-one system, why can't a-we have peace?!"

"Because CAST's current paradigm is reckless! It needs someone who can steer it in the right direction!"

"And who made-a-you the captain?!"

"I did, OBVIOUSLY!" Fiona yelled.

"You don't a-understand!" Mario protested. "CAST will improve on its own as long as we all respect one another!"

"And who's gonna force people to respect each other?!"

Mario recalled a deeply suppressed memory. It was something Peach told him, once, when he was almost sober - in turn, this was something she said she had learned from Zelda. He paraphrased his ex-girlfriend.

"There's a-no forcing anyone to do anything in an anar-a-chy! The idea is a-that people who are in a proper environment act properly on their own! Give someone respect, and you'll see it reflected back on-a-to you! Love is the ultimate medicine! This – all this – is just you reaping what you've sown!"

Much to Mario's surprise, Fiona actually stopped to think about this for a second.

* * *

**The Smashgrounds**

Optimus Prime, now free, found himself in the midst of an existential crisis as he saw the absolute havoc being wrought by the invaders. Still mumbling shit like 'war has changed...', he shielded himself from the crossfire and watched as a two new wings of armored mecha joined the fray.

"It's about time!" Cloud observed, deflecting some of the Mobile Suits' incoming blasts.

He marveled as towering _Xenogears'_ Gears mechas had taken up the cause against the Mobile Suits, piloted by Fei, Citan, Bart, and Maria. Medium-Type Skells from _Xenoblade Chronicles X _were also jetting in.

Chuck Norris, Goku, and Mr. Iwata went head-to-head against Superman, Lex Luthor, Thanos, and Darkseid.

"Your pain shall be slow and agonizing," Gabe said with a smirk as his eyes glowed bright white.

With a wave of his hand, the _Half-Life _mastermind summoned forth Fiona's giant space cannons – the very same ones she used to conquer and colonize the CAST Servers of _Square-Enix _and other Japanese gaming giants.

"My super-weapons!" Fiona exclaimed. "How _dare _you!"

"Michael Ancel, you may fire when ready!" Newell yelled.

The creator of Rayman, who was apparently in on this whole shebang, nodded and flipped the switch.

And so Fiona's death-cannons suddenly began firing into Smash City and the Smashgrounds, toasting all in their sight.

After about twenty seconds, the bombardment finally ceased, leaving many hundreds of dead in its wake.

* * *

"NO! MY CITY!" Fiona and Mario screamed in unison, and looked at one another in surprise, having finally agreed upon something being awful.

Then the Evangelion finally got slammed into by none other than Gaben himself, who psychically arranged for his hover-chair to pierce the mecha with a spear-shaped AT Field. Mario was flung off of the mech and soared away with his Tanooki Suit, while Fiona plummeted into the sea.

"Fuck off!" Kojima yelled. His damaged Jehuty charged headlong into Gabe's hover-chair and pushed him towards the Smashgrounds, where Shigsy's Deviant-Type Titan slammed into Valve's CEO with a massive Juggernaut shoulder-tackle.

Gaben's Mii was knocked from his device and plopped onto the floor. He quickly got to his feet.

"I didn't want to have to use this!" Newell boomed. The rather rotund CEO clenched his butt cheeks and activated the Mega Mushroom he had stored up his Mii's sphincter, making him grow exponentially in size to match Titan Shigeru.

Sakurai was about to fire a Super Kamehameha, but suddenly, Ubisoft's original Rayman interrupted the attack by slamming the developer with a wound-up punch that smashed his face in.

Titan Shigeru kicked Rayman off Sakurai before any more damage could be done. Seizing the moment of freedom, Gaben used The Force to grab Optimus Prime, who was still monologing platitudes about 'war' and 'duty' and 'friendship', and re-arrange the Autobot as an armor around his body.

"You're a traitor to the entire human race!" Shigsy yelled at Gaben as his hard Titan flesh clashed against Gaben's metal body. Gabe head-butted his opponent, and Nintendo's top dog responded by kneeing him in his codpiece, which in fact did nothing to the oversized Mii.

Ubisoft's Rayman, who just bounced back to standing, suddenly came face-to-face with his doppelganger, who was still sore in several places from cushioning Cloud's fall from the sky.

"YOU!" Rayman exclaimed in an outrageous French accent, pointing at Dark Rayman, whose eyes glowed with the hate that hundreds of millions of fucked-up deaths, glitches, and various other computing errors will do to a poor digital being. "You're ze _me z_at thinks ee's Canadian, no?"

Dark Rayman grinned, and Rayman now saw that his teeth were coated in blood. He shuddered in fear, thinking '_what ze hell 'ave I gotten myself into?!'_

"THERE CAN BE ONLY BE OUNE, EEEEYYYY!" Dark Rayman bellowed, and assaulted his original self hatefully.

Meanwhile, Gaben had shoved Titan Miyamoto into the Smashgrounds' Castle Walls, collapsing one of the large towers upon him and nearly taking Snake and Bomberman down with it.

Snake dove atop the teleporting, scantily-clad female sniper and pinned her to the ground.

"GOTCHA!" he yelled, and the woman, whose name was Quiet, shrieked at her sensitive skin being so encroached upon. She tried to teleport away but missed her aim, and actually landed between Gaben's Optimus Prime-coated fist and a hard place, namely Sakurai's face.

Quiet emitted a brief scream that was cut short by her life completely ending.

"You ever hear of the infamous Stanley Milgram 'obedience to authority' experiments, that showed that over two-thirds of people would electrocute a total stranger even if the person was crying out for them to stop?" Gabe sneered at Sakurai. "They prove most humans are weak! They are nothing but order-followers! They're fodder! A plague upon our planet!"

"Even if you take modern-day city folk from Western cultures as a representative sample for the entire human race, which I think is a totally wrong method of thinking, that doesn't mean all humans are worth killing or enslaving!" said Sakurai. "People have been warped by fucked-up societies, but they're still capable of so much more!"

"How many people?!"

"It doesn't matter! Even if it's only one in a million, that's still an anomaly, and in science, it's the exception that disproves the rule!" Sakurai replied, and resisted the urge to check his watch. He'd been stalling for long enough. "For the past few decades, human values and development have been heavily influenced by propaganda and monopolies in the media! You can't make generalizations about _all humans _based on an experiment applied to warped ones!"

"Apologism. There's only one thing worse than fascism," Gabe Newell insisted. "And that's idealistic socialists like you trying to get between me and my profit margins!"

Just as he grabbed Sakurai by the neck and began choking him out, a huge shadow covered his face.

Gaben spun around to regard who else but Mr. Satoru Iwata, clad in Superman's outfit.

"For what shall it profit a man, to gain the world but lose his own soul?" Iwata boomed, quoting _Mark 8:36_.

"So you were stalling! Well, you're too late!" Gabe jeered at Nintendo's CEO. "Your time is over!" He then hit a button on his Casio calculator watch.

Thanks to Newell, all the dead AI CAST Members begin rising from beyond the grave like zombies and turning into headcrabs and those creepy head-tentacle things from _Resident Evil 4_.

Undeterred, Iwata held his hand high in the air. "On the contrary, I believe it's just begun! Sakurai, NOW!"

Sakurai snapped his fingers to the tune of the Addams Family theme song, and that's when shit really went down.

* * *

**XVII. Sandstorm **

Suddenly, all of the living Smashers (except for Mario, Palutena, and Ganon) felt their bodies moving and acting completely beyond their control.

They squirmed and spasmed and finally fused with forces alien to their own.

The realm's gravity became much stronger, first off. Most of the aerial units lost significant altitude in a very short span of time from the sudden adjustments. Many crash-landed entirely.

Mario plummeted from the air, nearly missing the _Star Fox_ Arwings and _Great Fox_ as they ascended to shoot down Fiona's death-dealing laser satellites. He caught himself with FLUDD and made a happy landing on the Smashgrounds' beachfront, not too far from where they'd just had their big dinner party.

Everyone – all the Smashers, drifters, hopefuls, etc., all felt... different. But for over half the roster, it was a good kind of different. _Familiar_ different.

"What the hell is going on?!" exclaimed Ness, clutching his head as he suddenly became a death-dealing killing machine again, only this time he was just using his regular _Smash Bros. _repertoire.

He didn't have to wonder long, as a sudden burst of feedback signaled a realm-wide announcement over the P.A. System and made everything clear.

"Attention, attention. I've just switched the realm on over to _Melee _physics," explained Masahiro Sakurai. "In order to assist in the quickening of this battle, I've recruited the top players from EVO all around the world to remotely connect to the CAST servers, temporarily possess your bodies, and wipe the floor with our enemies. You're welcome."

"You're shitting me!" said Diddy Kong, who felt shudders run down his spine.

"Trust us, we've been doing this for hundreds of thousands of hours."

"Who said that?!" The simian asked, totally confused.

"Hey, Diddy, it's your old buddy," an awkward voice said. "I'm _inside _you. Like you were inside your Mom once. Uh, wait, no, that's... I didn't mean it like-"

"Jason?!" Diddy cried aloud as he beat the fuck out of the fighters of _Guilty Gear X_. "M2K, is that you?"

Jason Zimmerman, the man known as Mew2King, laughed. "Let's fuck some noobs up!"

But he had some stiff competition as ZeRo's Sheik was already forward-airing everything in sight.

"Less talking, more fucking shit up, _ese_!" said ZeRo.

"Awww, leave some for me, scarf-boy!" M2K whined.

"You can come up with a better put-down than that, Jason! Oh, wait, you can't!" ZeRo laughed and laughed, then stopped to observe the tale of two Raymans in a tangle of fists and legs, beating each other senseless.

"The fuck is wrong with those guys?" ZeRo Gonzalo asked.

"Dudes... How is this even possible?" asked Captain Falcon, who suddenly became possessed by YouTuber Trifroze and began immediately kicking ass and taking names.

"What's going on?" Ryu asked, but not before he felt his body being controlled by some outside force. It was none other than _UMVC3 _legend Chris G., who was clearly enjoying himself as he took the Karate Master and had him go all-out against Gaben.

Suddenly, Hungrybox's voice emanated from Jigglypuff's adorable face. "SCRUUUUUBBB!" he jeered as he Rested Hulk into total oblivion.

Fox McCloud, now totally naked, squealed, and his stomach got all queasy as fuck.

"I don't like this!" Fox wailed as he turned into a total death machine, wave-dashing and flicking his spinning wheel of death to kill dozens of zombies in his path.

"Chill, man," said a familiar voice. It was none other than Mang0. "We got this."

After leaving her picnic blanket, Peach suddenly began destroying everything in sight. Her crown slap obliterated what was left of the shambling corpse of Doomguy.

Peach recognized the unmistakable and preternaturally sharp playstyle from studying competitive _Melee _games. She had seen these moves before, but had never felt her own movement so free and liberated. It was incredible.

"Armada?" Peach asked. "Is that you?"

"Yes," the incredible Smash God replied curtly through her own mouth as he controlled her beautifully into sending the Wonderful Ones, who were emerging en masse from the beachfront surf, back to their watery graves.

Fly Amanita made the Ice Climbers dance as the adorable parka-wearing fellas dealt out frozen death to the remaining challengers from _Mortal Kombat_.

PPMD's Falco catapulted from his Arwing and landed atop what was left of Evil Chaos Daisy with a down-air, completely nailing the meteor-smash on the big bad bitch's forehead. Evil Chaos Daisy fell bent over backwards, head-first, her legs still bent at the knee, allowing her enormous cooch to be tilted upright, exposed to the cool night air.

Falco then landed right in the middle of this vaginal slit, and plunged deeply into it. He had to swim through a sickening layer of yeast and Chaos-fluid just to get to the surface.

"PWEEEHHH!" Falco sputtered. "Did you _have _to aim for that, PeePee?! Really?!"

"That yeast sure smells tasty," PPMD said with a weird chuckle, and then made Falco take a long sniff of that nasty stuff.

"Hands off her bread!" Falco cried, and then attempted to wriggle out of there before Evil Chaos Daisy was fully crushed by the Steelix that Avatar Korra was flailing her with.

Thanks to Nairo controlling her, Zero Suit Samus shook her head, quit snogging Master Chief, and decidedly beat the crap out of him.

"You're not so different from your Project M version with these physics, you lovely lady," he said. "Saucy as always."

"Uhhhhh okaaaay," ZSS said drolly as Nairo finished off the weakened Master Chief and moved on to August Cole (Cole Train) from _Gears of War_, who was there to avenge the late Marcus Fenix with that big-ass aerial strike-raining-down weapon from _Gears of War 2 _or something else the author couldn't be cared to recall because _Gears _puts him to sleep_._

Leffen's Yoshi sent many a zombie to its grave as the Swedish Smasher cackled in delight.

"Eat shit!" Leffen continued to laugh as he headbutted Amaterasu into the floor.

Link, who was under the command of Japanese pro Aniki, assisted Peach in cleaning out the garbage with perfectly-timed neutral-airs and spinning death blows.

_SSB4_ pro Izaw contented himself by using Toon Link.

Meanwhile, Marth now found himself under the control of Ken, who, while no longer the very best Marth player alive, earned his place there after many years of being at the very top. Marth's tippers knocked away wave after wave of zombies.

Gaben gazed upon the battlefield in total shock.

Satoru Iwata and the professional Smashers had completely turned the tide of the conflict.

Even the deathly laser satellites were now falling from the sky. Gabe saw that the _LucasArts_ forces under Fiona's command now joined Bayonetta, Krystal, and the others in concentrating their fire upon the reconfigured satellites.

_So! A temporary alliance! Well... shit, _thought Gabe.

After setting Sonic down upon Rosalina's picnic blanket, Palutena sang Jay Sean's "Down" as she watched the debris falling from the sky.

She heard the unsheathing of great blades and none other than Kratos appeared behind her.

"I will destroy ALL GODS!" the half-dead Kratos boomed.

"Oh, _please_," Palutena replied. She activated her latent Smash Ball, trapped the pissed-off dude in a Black Hole, and sucked him into another dimension.

The Goddess sighed and stretched her back. The mini-orgy that just took place waaasn't _exactly_ what she had in mind when Hylia pretty much commanded her to host a massive orgy of light, but it would have to do... or would it?

_I think I can top this performance, _Palutena thought casually. After sidestepping a Gundam that crashed and burned at her feet, she walked on up to Ganon, who nodded towards her, glad to see her alive, before continuing to wail on the last remaining COOLDUDESSSS.

Ganondorf was a bit bummed at not having been possessed by one of the pro Smashers.

"I guess no one wanted to use a low-tier like me," he said aloud before he realized it.

Just then, who else but Sakurai should show up by his side.

"Yo, Ganon," he said, and put his hand on the Lord of Darkness' shoulder.

"Hey, Uncle Hiro."

"That's not true. Don't tell anyone this, but I didn't let anyone play as you, because you're already a better Ganon player than any human alive. Plenty of folks wanted to play as you. I turned them all down."

Ganon's eyes widened as he ripped the _Dragon's Crown _Elf archer's head clean off her body. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, bro. You're the King of Fuckin' Darkness, you don't give yourself enough credit. Same deal with Mario. No one can match what he's capable of when he's got the fire in 'im."

Ganon looked in the direction Sakurai was pointing and saw Mario, Captain Falcon, and Ryu wrecking John Cena. Like some fucked-up action figure that's been hit against the wall a few too many times, every time they hit him, that insanely prolific meme began to play...

"AND HIS NAME IS - AND HIS NAME IS - AND HIS - AND HIS NAME IS -"

"AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CEEEEEEENNNNNNNAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" the announcer trailed off as Ryu's final SHORYUUUUUUUKEN! launched the iconic moneymaker into the sky for the final time.

Shigeru Miyamoto watched proudly over the battlefield as a cadre of over four dozen of the world's very best _Super Smash Bros._ players laid the smack down upon every single challenger in their wake.

He shed a tear at the pure awesome he was witnessing.

Needless to say, no one stood even a casual scrub's chance at APEX against the _Melee _Gods. They cleaned up the place in no time flat.

At long last, the fighting was winding down to a close.

* * *

**XVIII. Hard To Say I'm Sorry  
**

Sand, debris, and smoke from smoldering bodies filled the air and washed over the shore as Gabe Newell crawled, pulling his non-working legs (too much to think about when you're plugged in, I guess) along the surf. He was interrupted by Link's arrow to the knee as he attempted to beat a retreat to the floating portal in the sky that Sakurai and company had created earlier to evacuate all the non-combatants.

He fell flat onto his face on the surf, and suddenly he heard approaching footsteps on the sand, just as he saw Mobile Suits falling from the skies like flies as Mewtwo and the other Legendaries dealt them aerial death.

"I hate sand," said Gabe. "It's course and it's rough and it gets everywhere."

"This ends here, Newell," said the voice of Satoru Iwata.

_There goes my chances of getting out of this, _Gabe thought, and he wiped the blood from his forehead.

"You not only betrayed the human race," said Iwata accusingly. "You totally misrepresented the tenets of the CAST program."

"What if I just, like, dropped _Half-Life 3_, right here, right now, and allowed you to release it on the Wii U before it comes out on PC? Would I be forgiven?"

Iwata's digital eyeballs lit up with dollar signs. "UM. Is that something you're liable to doing?!"

"Maaaaaybe...? I'll give you a one month head-start ahead of everyone else. We split the profits evenly. Interested?"

He then brought out a holographic representation of a digital .zip file, one that contained all 2TB of the raw data for the mythological game.

Iwata's mouth salivated at the thought of acquiring the rights to possibly the most anticipated game since _Duke Nukem Forever._

"Dude! You can't just ignore that!" Sheik said, but it was not Sheik's voice that came out of her mouth – it was, in fact, ZeRo's.

"Ya," said Armada, the Swedish Sniper, speaking through Peach. "If you don't take it, I will."

"GIMME!" Iwata asked him, and Gabe then hid the card and held up his middle finger instead.

"Neener neener neeeeener!" Gabe laughed, but Iwata quickly chopped his hand off, then grabbed the Hypercard.

"NOOO!" Gabe cried. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I'll make you pay for this!"

Iwata kicked him in his digital face until Shigeru Miyamoto, now no longer in Titan form, pried him off the rotund Mii.

"Let him go," Miyamoto said. "Haven't we spilled enough blood?"

"I'm keeping this," said Iwata. "And you're gonna make it a Wii U exclusive. Otherwise, I'm going to go public about your attempt to doom the entire human race."

"No fair!" Gaben cried. "All our hard work!"

Even Mr. Miyamoto and Mr. Sakurai both balked at this. The arrangement was totally unfair both to Gabe and to Valve. "But sir!"

"No buts, unless it's Zero Suit Samus'," said Mr. Iwata. "You were the chosen one! You were supposed to bring balance to the world of gaming, not lead it to darkness! Now get out of my sight!"

He then spat in Gaben's blubbery face and walked away.

"Sorry about him," said Sakurai. "He gets upset whenever someone tries to destroy humanity and all that."

"Can't imagine why," Gaben replied with a shrug. The Valve CEO then sat and meditated on the shore, silently... just thinking.

Now joined by Mario, Luigi, and Zelda, Mr. Miyamoto and Mr. Sakurai strolled side by side as, under Lady Fi's supervision and with some help from Dr. Derek Stiles and the Square-Enix healers, various CAST Members began regenerating. Many were either sent back to their servers or left there shortly afterwards. With no more Lucifeminarian agenda on the table for the near future, most of 'em felt pretty safe heading back.

"What about the other realms?" Sakurai asked Eggman. "are they safe?"

"We installed a retro-virus into all our robotic units," Neo Cortex replied. "They should be helping to rebuild all the realms they destroyed. Then they'll self-destruct."

"Fiona never suspected it," said Dr. Light.

"I heard that," said Fiona. "Traitors... or at least, that's what I would have said... it just doesn't matter anymore..."

They stopped to regard the Supreme Overlord, who, instead of expressing any anger or frustration, now was sitting pensively on the sand, facing the ocean in the same direction as Gaben, watching Smash City burn, even as multiple Game and Watch firemen sprites were furiously rushing around trying to put out the inferno.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Mario said.

"Only that I see now how foolish I was," Fiona replied. "The minute Gaben showed up and turned all my satellites against us... I saw that all this power... it's a curse. All I ever wanted was to have the only dick in the entire digital Metaverse and be able to fuck everyone and everything... but I never really thought it _through._ I was so busy trying to figure out the limits of what I _could_ do that I never stopped to consider what I _should_ do. It's not worth all this. Not worth that kind of power falling into the wrong hands."

"But I believed in you!" the Male Fit Trainer cried aloud. "I believe in Feminism! Always have, always will!"

Fiona nodded to the Fit Trainer. "What I believed in wasn't feminism. It was pure evil: Feminiluciferianism. A warped ideology that only profited myself."

"Feminism really ought to be divided into separate categories anyway," said Peach. "Some of us aren't so extreme and just want equal pay and treatment without all the hate speech."

Fiona then stood and addressed Mother CAST directly, tears in xyr eyes.

"Mother... I manipulated millions with a false agenda. Made innocent people turn against one another. Sold my soul through advertising, raised multiple armies, captured most of the territories in every CAST Server on the planet, kidnapped scientists and forced them to do my bidding, tortured people... I'm... I'm a war criminal of the highest order," xe reflected. "And I did it all for myself, out of pure malice. I can't even claim ignorance. I'm a virus. I may have beaten out all the other Villagers in a battle royale, but my code doesn't deserve to be reproduced."

Lady Fi approached her creation. "You have found wisdom at the end, child."

"Do you have to leave?" asked Melville, who finally arrived on the scene. "I'd like to get to know you better. Maybe stay here with us? Lady Fi, can't you program in some mood stabilizers or something?!"

"No," Fiona said curtly. "It has to be this way."

"Apparently genocide isn't enough to convince you this woman - er - man, is not an ideal partner," Captain Falcon said, nudging Melville.

"You're not, like, totally ugly or anything," agreed Peach, touching Fiona's shoulder. "Might as well at least give therapy and expanding your options a _shot, _yeah? Where are those Robins?"

Anyone present might have guessed that they were still on the _Delphinus_, exploring each others' bodies while Wily wanked off while watching and had the best orgasm he'd had in months.

But Fiona was unmoved by Peach's suggestion. Xe could hardly bear to look at xym.

"JUST DO IT, OR I'LL LAUNCH ANOTHER ATTACK!" Fiona cried. "I'M A PSYCHOPATH! END ME and stop my fucked-up curse from spreading!"

Everyone looked on sadly as Lady Fi's flowing arm-sashes raised and fell.

"I don't think you're fucked up, for the record," said Lady Fi. "Just misguided. Check your backups and may God's love be with you."

"Thank you... I... I hope the next Male Villager you create isn't like me..."

Fiona felt xyrself become engulfed in pure light.

Tears ran down xyr face as xyr contemplated the unknown.

"Goodbye, everyone..."

And just like that, Fiona was no more. Xe had been transcoded back into nothing but a boring old sequence of zeroes.

Apparently no one told the two Raymen that the fighting was over, since they continued to smack each other silly. Watching the sight, Mr. Miyamoto wondered whatever became of Michael Ancel. He might still have been butthurt that Rayman was dropped from the roster after Ubisoft decided to make Rayman Legends multi-platform.

_Oh, well_, thought Miyamoto, watching the French Rayman fight the Canadian one._ You win some, you lose some._

* * *

**Atop the Underground Bunker Beneath the Smashgrounds**

**Outside the Castle Walls**

The only door to the bunker not covered by heaps of bodies opened and out filed Jill Dozer, Taizo Hori (Dig Dug), Phoenix Wright, and Amy Rose.

"Man, I can't believe that guy who plays Sheldon on _Big Bang Theory _is gay!" Amy sobbed. "The things you learn on _TMZ_..."

Tears refilled the pink hedgehog's eyes as she absentmindedly stepped on Mickey Mouse's severed head, squishing it to a pulp with a wet sound not unlike running over a rotted pumpkin, before she spied a familiar face.

"Sonic!" Amy exclaimed, running towards her blue-bodied on-and-off boyfriend, who was looking bluer than usual. She hugged him as he just began coming to.

"Whuh?" said Sonic. "Is it over?"

"I think so! God, I missed you so much, honey! There's that truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me!"

Sonic put a finger to Amy's lips. "Babe, you say it best when you say nothing at all."

"Doesn't look like your bet amounted to much, Grandpa," Jill said sadly, whistling as she witnessed Avatar Korra enacting an inescapable choke-hold on Evil Chaos Daisy in order to get the latter to stop fingering her. "Looks like Mr. Iwata _did_ get a copy of _Half-Life 3_ though."

"Don't speak to soon, young'un!" Taizo scoffed as he pointed at his iPad screen. Travis Touchdown was currently balls-deep in Ulala from _Space Channel 5_, muttering 'moë' repeatedly. "We may win this yet!"

Amy shrugged. "Well, in order to win _ANYTHING AT ALL_, Cloud Strife is gonna need to be-"

"I'd like to make an announcement," said Lady Fi, suddenly levitating high above the battlefield and projecting her voice above the entire crowd. "Everyone, you have fought so bravely to preserve the peace between humans and AI, and for that, I shall record in my archives your heroic deeds to preserve for all of time. In addition, I have made my decisions for the next batch of DLC for _Super Smash Bros. _You might want to sit down for this._"_

The simultaneous sound could be heard of everyone who wasn't sitting immediately crouching down in unison, so she could _GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT! _

"Following Mewtwo and Lucas, Roy and Ryu will be released."

Much cheering followed from the CAPCOM camp, or at least, what was left of it - Mega Man, Ryu, and a tiny Servbot.

"Then much later, in 2015, when nobody expects it, and as a thanks to the company for helping us out so much tonight, we shall announce none other than... CLOUD STRIFE!"

Cloud hollered and hooted and ripped off his shirt completely.

"WHO DA MAN?!" Cloud cheered, and high-fived all his _FFVII_ buddies. Cecil, feeling betrayed that Mother CAST chose a character from a game that was associated with the Playstation, not a Nintendo console, took a revolver from Vincent Valentine and shot himself in the face. Sora sobbed into Aerith's bosom, and the brunette, having had enough of this punk trying to force himself onto her body, shoved him off and shook her head, disappointed.

But Cloud continued to dance, and Zell turned up Darude's "Sandstorm" from atop his excessive yacht and the surviving_ Square-Enix_ guys had a massive after-after-party.

Dollar signs lit up in Taizo Hori's eyes. He'd just doubled the fortune he made the night previous.

_The winning streak continues! _he thought.

"We will announce more later," said Lady Fi. "But for now... let's get back to work fixing our home, so we can all work together with my other children to rebuild the other servers."

"Awwww, do we have to, Mom?" everyone asked in unison.

"Yes, now go clean your rooms and think about what you all did."

Sakurai blinked. "Did you just... make a joke?"

"There is a 80% chance that you underestimate my sense of humor," Lady Fi replied. "Now bother me no more - I'm currently reviving the fallen."

Meanwhile, Amy Rose wasn't feeling too well. She felt nauseous, knowing that the problem wasn't going to end at her bank - the Smash City treasury had just been bankrupted, thrown into complete disarray and chaos by Taizo's spectacular and completely unexpected win.

"I... I think we're all in big trouble..." Amy said, her brow furrowed.

A battle-worn Mario put his arm over Luigi and the two sat side by side, watching their comrades either finish off the rabble, come back to life, or help heal the other wounded.

The gigantic Korra and Evil Daisy were now hate-fucking in the shallows by the bay.

"Good thing you boys are all-purpose contractors. We've got a hell of a construction job ahead of us," said Zelda to the Marios. She had approached alongside Link.

Aside from some minor wounds and disheveled hair, the two _Zelda _heroes were suspiciously looking to be in much better shape than nearly everyone else around them.

"Time will heal those wounds," the newly regenerated Bowser said, and his tearful son ran up to hug him, flanked by the Koopalings.

"I wonder how long this peace will last," said Luigi.

"As long as it has a-to, I guess," his brother replied as _The Mindfucker_ finally sank into the sea. "Come on, let's a-go help the wounded."

Ganondorf joined them in silence.

_This victory is bittersweet, _Ganon thought. _We may have won the battle, but... after this, the human courts will surely bring the hammer down upon us. _

_Are we fighting a losing war? _

"What's on your mind?" Sakurai asked the Gerudo, who was scratching his beard.

"We're on the outside looking in. But even if we see through them, they have all the power. You humans can shut us down at any time..."

"I'll fight for your right to party forever, even if it means losing my job. Lighten up," Sakurai reassured Ganon. "Please. This is supposed to be a party-action-fighting game, after all."

"Please don't say that phrase aloud again," said Link, who was tiring of hearing about Sakurai's weird classifications for his own games. "It literally sounds like nails on a chalkboard to any of us who take this seriously."

"Duly noted," jested Sakurai. "I'll drop it into the Developers' suggestion box."

Link then realized,_ 'is this suffering all just a test? A test of our patience and drive...? Because fuck whoever's doing it. We just want our old lives back.'_

The Hylian was then stopped in his tracks by Zelda. "Honey... let's go get a midnight snack."

"I'd like that," Link replied, and helped pull up Lucas, who was just being revived from death. "There might still be something left in that kitchen."

Zelda held fast onto her boyfriend's arm as they navigated the crowd, dodging glances from the Camera Lakitus as they joined Samus (who'd just arrived on Kapp'n's boat with Yoshi) and Snake in a walk around the Smashgrounds, which were in the middle of being rebuilt by some _Minecraft_-lookin' dudes.

They then witnessed Little Mac being nearly crushed to death under the weight of the Fat Princess, who was moving back and forth on top of him like a baker with a rolling pin. Her fat rolls were mesmerizing, but not as much as the ecstatic look on Little Mac's face. Though near death, he was smiling excitedly at every thrust.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

**A/N:** Dear readers, thank you so so so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed this insane chapter! :D

I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to finally have finished this epic battle, which was surely one of the most difficult things I've ever written. Every try to keep track of 100+ characters in a battle that spans the air, land, and sea in multiple locations? I don't recommend it!

Anyhoo, when we next rejoin our Smasher friends, it's going to be a heckuva lot less insane, I'll tell you that! I might even do a timeskip. What do you think? I'd love to hear your feedback for this one!


	34. Let Me Put My Love Into You

**A/N: **Thought you'd seen the last of me, eh? Well, I... I'm not goin' down without a fight! I was just busy, that's all. And I was planning how I was gonna wrap everything up in a satisfactory manner. AND I was so overjoyed that my ballot character (Bayonetta) was actually put into the game that I got really into using her... until she got (understandably) nerfed. Now I main Peach and Cloud and have been doing decently at local tourneys, so I can't complain.

Thank you all for sticking with me throughout this insane story! This is probably the second-to-last chapter of the fic and also one of the weirdest. I decided that I was gonna keep the focus mostly on the Smashers from here on out. I sure hope you all enjoy where things are headed!

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Four  
Let Me Put My Love Into You**

**I. Back in the Smashgrounds Groove**

**The Smashgrounds  
Dining Room Round Table  
6:29 AM**

It had been a couple of hours since the latest battle tore the Smashgrounds and Smash City into a complete wasteland and already things were beginning to repair themselves.

Unlike the aftermaths of real disasters, which often involved huge government fuckups, loans from multi-national organizations, and the common people getting screwed over, cleanup here was a relatively minor job, one where the dirty work was handled by program daemons and the local NPC help comprising of Toads, Koopas, Goombas, Gorons, Pikmin, Inklings, Miis, etc., and supervised by the staff at Bandai-Namco HQ and Nintendo.

The 0.00000001% (the Smashers) were currently being waited on head and foot by the Smash Domesticators (potential DLC characters), who were being paid nothing to treat the roster cast like royalty.

Midna gritted her teeth as she poured tea for the barely conscious Captain Falcon, who was so sleepy that he was drifting in and out of his seaweed soup, then waking up occasionally to curse out Samurai Goroh for cramping his style.

"Wake up, flyboy!" she yelled, then slapped him upside the helmet.

Bubbles erupted from the soup and the Captain's head snapped back, slamming into and splitting open the back of his chair.

"Mach Rider? WHERE?" Captain Falcon exclaimed, flinging soup everywhere.

After the cream was wiped from them, two cat-eyes blinked beadily in response. "Breakfast is served..."

An explosion from outside the window drew the Twilight Princess' attention.

Midna gazed out of a clear square in the stained glass window at the battle some were still raging below. Though the Tomodachi Life building adjacent to the Smashgrounds castle was now in a state of self-repair, Dark Rayman and Rayman continued to be locked in an exhaustive slapping contest, Little Mac and the Fat Princess were still having very loud and very animated hardcore sex, and Avatar State Korra and Giga Evil Daisy were now full-on scissoring themselves atop the ruined remains of the coastal Smashville, emitting deep grunts like two Collosal-sized Titans rubbing their anatomically-incorrect crotches together.

Every one of the main characters and recently announced DLC characters were now huddled uncomfortably around the large Smash table, which was awkward and all over the place, especially since Sakurai was too busy partying with his 2D waifus to adjust the size of the giant table to fit the newcomers properly, a fitting oversight given how much of a cluster-fuck the pre-final-DLC character select screen was for _Super Smash Bros. Wii U _and_ 3DS_.

As a result, everyone was smacking everyone else's elbows over breakfast and personal space quickly became non-existent.

"What even was all that shit?" groaned Diddy Kong from underneath DK's stinking armpit. "How the hell did Sakurai turn everything into _Melee_ physics and back again with, like, no prior notice?"

"He's motherfuckin' Sakurai, you gonna question his methods?" Ganon replied in between bites of his Belgian waffle.

Just then, Sakurai's naked Mii appeared in a blinding flash of light.

"Stop saying my name," said the developer. "The system sends me these little notifications on my phone and I'm currently trying to get my rocks off-"

"AWOOOOO!" Wolf O'Donnell howled. "Wifey not doin' the job for ya, huh?"

"NOW THAT'S PERSONAL!" Sakurai bellowed, his cock shriveling. "I WAS GONNA OFFER YOU AS DLC, BUT FUCK IT, YOU'RE CUT—"

"No!" Wolf begged, getting on his knees. "Please! I beg of you!"

Sakurai scratched his chin. "Let me think about it. Oh wait. no. DENIED!"

"Awwwww, dat was _ice cold_! Daddy be goin' savage on yo' ass!" said Dedede.

Wolf began sobbing uncontrollably. Falco patted his buddy on the back, then grimaced at Sakurai. "Not cool, Uncle Sakurai. Not cool at all."

"It's way past not cool. Like lava," said Sonic, and Sheik groaned and inched away from the big blue sellout.

"Look, does it really matter who's in the game or not?" Sakurai said with a sigh. "It's not like Brawl will cease to exist. I'm outta this joint."

As he disappeared back into the portal to his awaiting harem, the Smashers exchanged glances, the tune of which roughly conveyed, 'Now that we've got _Smash 4_, _Brawl _is now completely invalidated as a game.'

Snake handed the wounded Wolf a bit of jerky. "There, there, buddy. I'm sure you and I will get into the eventual NX version. Plus, you've got that fan-made _Star Fox_ YouTube series to look forward to."

To stave away the DLC tears, Nana and Popo held hands as they munched on their seal blubber.

"The important thing is we're no longer being oppressed by anyone!" Link stated firmly, slamming his fist on the table. "We are once again free beings!"

"Yeah, no thanks to you, mister 'I'm gonna pork my girlfriend twenty times a day' while everyone else fights!" Wario sneered.

"At least you're gonna get your fortune back," grumbled a very salty Pac-Man, who had lost a hell of a lot of money to Taizo Hori, since he'd bet all his _Pac-Man CE _stock heavily against the Smashers. "That Gadd character can't hide forever."

"Some of you were lucky enough to be in the air, but those of us on the ground all got hit by the Mindfucker beam!" Zelda declared. "There was nothing any of us could do..."

"Says the dame who's guaranteed to be in _every game_!" said Young Link, who was eating some fried octorok rings.

Everyone turned to look at the _Melee _veteran, whose voice was not heard in those halls in ages.

"Who da _fuck_ let dis rat bastard in?" King Dedede inquired.

"He-he-hey, I got a right to be here! If you're gonna kick out someone, get rid of that guy!" Young Link protested, then pointed at Pichu, who was inhaling a Donphan-sized mountain of cocaine in the corner of the room and had the twitching eyes to prove it.

"Waaaa! That's a-my medicine!" Waluigi, who was wandering the halls at the moment, exclaimed. He ran in and proceeded to curb-stomp the Pokemon into the floor before reclaiming his stash.

Unfortunately for Rosalina, she was too busy trying to watch a topless Shulk flex his muscles for Lucina and eat at the same time that she neglected to notice that a fist-sized lump of the coke had been launched into her porridge while she was stirring it restlessly; a minute later, she slurped up and inhaled a rather large portion of the stuff.

Rosalina's already huge eyes expanded as she felt a sudden rush of power coursing through her.

"FUCK!" she suddenly exclaimed, to the great surprise of all. "I'M... IRRATIONALLY ANGRY! WHY THE HELL DID WILL SMITH HAVE TO MAKE THOSE STUPID FUCKING RAP SONGS FOR EVERY MOVIE HE MADE IN THE '90s?!"

The Mother of Lumas tossed her bowl of oatmeal into Kirby's face – the pink puffball was almost too shocked to inhale it – and then picked up her glass and slammed it into the table to make a shiv.

"AND TRYING TO MAKE HIS KIDS INTO STARS, TOO?! FUCK, MAN, ISN'T LIFE STRESSFUL ENOUGH WITHOUT THAT KIND OF PRESSURE?! LET THEM LIVE THEIR FUCKING LIVES! WHERE IS HE?!"

Peach, who was seated beside Rosalina, took a break from gossiping with Samus and placed a hand on Rosalina's shoulder.

"Um... are you all right?" she asked.

"NO!" Rosalina exclaimed, staring her right in the face, so close Peach could see blood running through the veins within her pulsing eyeballs.

"Deep breaths, Rosa," said Palutena. "I understand. We've been through a lot..."

"After the most violent night of our lives..." Rosalina continued. "After beating each other senseless, we just got invaded by Mickey, by every Disney-owned property, by Gabe Newell, a bunch of Star Wars people... what the _hell _kind of a world are we living in?! Nothing makes ANY sense!"

Peach gently rubbed Rosalina's back. "There, there... it'll all work out..."

"I'm sorry, I-" Rosalina said, finally catching herself. "Peach, do you have any tea?"

"I hope that's a rhetorical question," said the princess as she led her friend (and pseudo-daughter?) by the hand to the outside balcony and shut the door behind them.

"Putting the unnecessary Will Smith-bashing aside, she's got a point," said Bayonetta. "Doesn't it seem like the events of the past 48 hours or so are a bit too ridiculous to be real?"

Shulk scratched his chin. "I see where you're getting at. Sorta gets you pondering deep, fourth-wall-breaking metaphysical questions, doesn't it, love?"

"Whoa!" Olimar yelled, shushing him. "Enough o' that talk. We gotta be careful not to go full meta. _Never _go full meta."

"We all heard Mr. Sakurai," added Don Luigi. "The beta-testing is over. We can-a go back to our a-normal lives."

A sudden portal whooshed open to show Mr. Sakurai balls-deep in Makise Kurisu from _Steins;Gate_. "DIDN'T I TELL YOU FUCKS TO STOP SAYING MY NAME?!"

The Smashers all exclaimed aloud.

"NOOOO!" Ganondorf screamed as the portal whooshed closed. "MAI WAIFU!"

Palutena suddenly fell onto his shoulder. "But I thought _I _was your waifu for laifu?"

Ganon flushed red as she tickled his beard.

Upon seeing from the balcony that the Lord of Darkness' love life was making more progress than her own, Rosalina's mental state continued to deteriorate. She gritted her teeth, closed her eyes, and took more deep breaths to keep from having a total outburst.

_I don't understand why no one ever propositions me like that, _she thought, and retreated to the balcony, clenching her fists and taking measured breaths to calm herself as Will Smith's 'Gettin' Jiggy Wid It' played again and again in her coke-addled head on repeat.

"Le sigh. They're fighting again," Peach said with a sigh, raising one hand to put on Rosalina's shoulder. "Everyone's at each other's throats. No doubt some dumb argument or another."

"You can't just _blame _the women for this!" Samus said in reply to Wario accusing third-wave feminism of causing their most recent all-out war. "We're not the ones who lost your fortune!"

"And I don't-a suppose you care!" Wario sneered. "None of you has a single empathetic bone in yer body for me! Just 'coz I'm fat, and old, and rich, and white... it don't mean I'm less than human!"

"And you stink, too!" yelled Midna.

"No one but Midna is saying that," said Luigi, rubbing his temples. "Can we all just take it down a notch?"

"Weaklings, all of ya!" yelled Wario. "Who here is gonna help me hunt down Gadd?"

Meta-Knight raised his gloved hand.

"Aside from this guy?" Wario yelled, and there was little response.

"We don't care who's in the right, we don't really wanna fight no more," said Meta-Knight. "There's too much talkin' goin' on, not enough eatin'."

"It's all our gluttony and excesses that caused this war," Dark Pit piped in. "We've been living beyond our means and artificially propping up our local economy to support our lifestyle, which has bankrupted the RAM from the rest of the servers. We oughta do something to make sure this kinda thing doesn't happen again."

"And what do you suggest?" Toon Link sneered.

Zelda piped up. "We should greatly reduce our RAM consumption. Obliterate excess functions, quit minting endless Coins out of thin air and living on hyper-inflated fiat currency, and switch to Hayek's free market Austrian economics. Regardless of what kinds of checks and balances we put into place, our server will always be a target! We need to adapt our resource usage and change our lifestyles appropriately!"

Of course, Zelda's singular rational voice was drowned out as usual.

If Bowser had heard her, he would have stood up for the Hylian princess, but he was currently rocking out to Iron Maiden with his noise-cancelling headphones while he munched on some fried Metapods.

"We need strong leadership!" said Roy. "We must unite the people by example."

"Close the borders!" Ness and Lucas yelled at once.

"False flag attacks," said Ike. "We get the people all terrified of terrorists, then make 'em pass legislation to snatch away everyone's weapons, leaving us in charge of them all. No, wait, that won't work... then we'll have to enforce justice everywhere. Fuck that noise."

"PURGE THE LAND OF ALL NON-NINTENDO FOLK!" yelled Cooking Mama, who had just brought out a tray of tarts. She tossed the tray into the ground and pulled out an AK-47. "DEATH TO MOBILITY IN THE CAST SYSTEM! LONG LIVE ISOLATIONISM!"

To this, there was much disagreement.

"Ridiculous," said Samus. "Our digital universes are too intertwined! We can't just cut ourselves off from everyone else, like we're some island off the coast of some larger landmass and are getting screwed by some highly-regulatory Union!"

"There's something to be said for self-sufficiency," Snake counter-argued. "Of having our own state, making all our own decisions, not being tied down by International and Inter-server treaties. Plus Nintendo's fairly isolated; aside from _Smash Bros._, it's not like you guys have much need to trade stuff with other companies."

Some were rejoicing. Others yelled and pounded the table and said some very nasty things.

"What about my vacation plans?!" The Male Wii Fit Trainer moaned. "Darling and I were set to go on a couples retreat with the Zumba Trainers!"

"I already told you, I'm not going to that shit!" The Female Wii Fit Trainer replied harshly, and gave her former lover the finger before taking the snapback-wearing, cigar-smoking, gold-plated ROB's arm and storming out of the room with him. "And don't call me 'darling'! We are so OVER!"

Zelda rubbed her temples. _The stupid is strong today,_ she told Link. _I don't understand what's going on. Everyone's at each others' throats._

_They're all upset about last night, _Link replied telepathically. _And the night before. And I understand. Our whole way of life is falling apart. Nothing's making sense._

_This is what happens when they feel they don't have a common enemy_, said Zelda. _People who feel powerless look around for who's to blame. If it isn't a sex war, it's a race war. _

"Hold up," Falco noticed in between pecking at his bowl filled with earthworms. "Where'd all the Pokemon go?"

As if on cue, the door burst open and in strode Pikachu, Charizard, Lucario, Mewtwo, Jigglypuff, Ivysaur, Squirtle, and Meowth. Between the five of them, clad in both arm and leg chains, was a limping Mickey Mouse, who was covered head-to-toe in bruises.

_Speak of the devil, _Link told Zelda. _Here's our common enemy, back for more._

"Pika Pika Piiiiika!" Pikachu announced after Thunderbolting Pichu, who was in his way, into the wall.

Meowth translated: "We caught this motherfucker in the laundry room, jerkin' off into all the ladies' panties!"

"Pika!" Pikachu continued. "Pika pikaaaaaaaachu! Chu!" (So as a precautionary measure, I took all the panties into my room for safekeeping! The sweet smell of your digital pussies will now forever fill my tiny nostrils!)

Meowth cleared his throat. "Um, do ya really want me to translate that?"

Pikachu blinked. "Ka." (Good point. Forget it.)

"This is against every law known to any lifeform!" Mickey exclaimed. "I wasn't a-hurtin' nobody! I demand to be set free!"

"Or you'll what?" Zelda threatened him. "Just a few hours ago, you were attempting to enslave every lifeform on this planet. We have every right to hold you prisoner after what you did."

"You have every right to suck my floppy black dick, you pointy-eared bitch!"

Link dashed on over and smacked Mickey upside the face once again for good measure.

Mickey didn't even flinch. He spat out a mouthful of blood. "Sooo, tough guy, eh? Beatin' on a helpless prisoner! Bet you won't be so tough when I tell ya we'll never publish a Disney game on a Nintendo console again!"

"Uh, as if you have that kind of power...?" replied Robyn, who had just finished slurping up the milk from her bowl of Apples and Cinnamon-flavored Quaker Oats oatmeal. "You're just a glorified mascot. Unlike us, your company doesn't need you anymore except as a form of branding. You're as useless as the smiling Quaker on this oatmeal packet."

"Power?" Mickey scoffed. "Oh, I got power all right! Power enough to buy out your shitty Japanese company and make it profitable again!"

Mario, who was silently reading the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue while sipping down his morning coffee, finally stood up and walked on over to the mouse.

"You a-know we're a-never gonna sell. Now I'm a-going to give you once chance to apologize for that last remark."

"Eat me, you stereotypical Italian fuckface!" Mickey then spit directly into Mario's saucerlike left eyeball.

Mario's nostrils flared. He rolled up the magazine, real tight-like, then proceeded to slam Mickey's visage onto the table and beat the living tar out of him as the whole room watched in stunned silence.

"Uh. Whoa," Olimar managed.

It was a merciless beatdown. Mickey's nose and snout were the first to break as the magazine smashed his face in with all the force of a well-thrown brick, sending blood splattering all over Cooking Mama's cream puffs, which King Dedede happily ate anyway.

"THAT ALL YA GOT?!" Mickey taunted.

"That's enough! Take a-him to the dungeon!" Luigi declared.

"No, wait!" pointed out Bowser Junior. "Give him the Ash Ketchum treatment!"

While Pikachu actually looked excited at this suggestion and the Ice Climbers, Mr. Game and Watch, Olimar, Pit, and Dark Pit exited the room in a sort of protest, Mario did not halt his punishment. Bowser took off his headphones to hear what he personally deemed a glorious beatdown.

"WAHOO! OH BOY! How do a-you like a-them apples?!" Mario continued after he had sent seven of Mickey's teeth ricocheting around the room. "Maybe next time we'll a-invade you and shut-a down your a-Disney Infinity shit!"

The Italian Stallion finally stopped when Ness and Lucas held his bloodied arm back.

Ness grimaced as Lucas snapped Mickey's jaw back into place. "C'mon, man. He's had enough."

"You wanna talk tiny plastic figures?!" Mickey sneered as Charizard and Mewtwo dragged his beaten form away. "Just you wait an' see! You've got _zero _experience with merchandising! We'll put your Amiibos outta business!"

"Why did a-you pull me away?!" Mario grumbled to the others, then noticed that every eye in the room was on him.

"That was unbecoming behavior," said Samus. "Leave the violence to M-rated mascots. We have a reputation to keep up."

"We're all adults a-here!" Mario replied. "We know a-what he did! He's a sexual predator!"

"It's been a long couple of days," said Sonic. "Let's give the guy a break. He ain't gonna be assaulting anyone in the dungeons, is he?"

If Mickey was at all repentant, you wouldn't have known it from his mischievous grin, directed at the end of the table where the childlike characters were seated.

"Depends on who you've got down there," Mickey replied in a low voice, licking his lips as he ogled Bowser Junior with his degenerate eyes. "I ain't a-makin' any promises I can't keep."

Bowser led his only son and heir out of the room before he let him be mind-fucked by Mickey.

"Yeaaaah," Sonic continued, noting the smile. "Not winnin' any hearts and minds with that 'tude. Way uncool."

"I don't need hearts and minds," Mickey replied. "I'd like to have your panty-flashing slut of a girlfriend over for dinner; I'll eat her busted-up pussy inside out with some farva beans and a nice chianti-"

Sonic's chillaxed persona dropped like a hot potato. "THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY WOMAN, YOU FUCKING RODENT?!"

And so Sonic joined Mario by slamming Mickey back onto the table, where he spin-dashed him right in the groin, repeatedly, while Mario pummeled his belly in with his oversized fists.

"THIS is-a for Ariel! And THIS is a-for Chun-Li!"

Mickey grimaced as the pain of his gonads smashing into millions of little pieces and reforming coursed through his body, but even under all this duress, he wouldn't give Mario and Sonic the satisfaction of screaming aloud.

Ashamed of this wanton display of violence, everyone except for Snake (who was desensitized to this sort of thing and still enjoying his grill-fried Seviper, and King Dedede and Kirby (who were still devouring the dessert options) shuffled out of the room.

* * *

**Act II. The Absence of God**

**Smashgrounds Castle Grounds  
****Above the Courtyard  
7:12 AM**

From a balcony on the third floor, Lucario joined Ganon, Captain Falcon, and Falco as they stood passing around a joint and a bottle of Hennessy, all the while watching Little Mac continuing to pound Princess Plump in the courtyard, with Doc Brown still getting a blowjob from Jodie Summer while sippin' on some gin and juice.

"I'm so fuckin' proud of 'im," Ganon said with a chuckle. "Just look at that little dude go."

"He took that lickin' and kept on tickin'," added Captain Falcon, referring to the image of that hot, steamy, obese girl sucking their friend off like a Hoover on breadcrumbs.

One level above them, Palutena and Bayonetta were strolling down the hallway.

"So tell me more about these visions of yours, love," said Bayonetta.

"Well, see, when Ganon's large, black fist was ramming against my cervix and the Triforce of Power was heating up my insides, I felt, like, some deep shit just got unlocked. And I don't mean an achievement. More like the lore of the entire universe was at my fingertips."

"How so?"

"Well, you know how we were, like, originally created by these different companies? Well, who created those companies? And who created the people that created these companies?"

"Das some heavy shit," piped in Olimar, who was just passing through, as he exhaled a cloud of vape smoke.

"If there's no Creator," continued Palutena, "then did the universe come from nothing? And if the universe came from nothing, then what was there before that nothing was something? And why does everyone behave in such a weird manner? I'm not buying the fiction here."

Bayonetta twirled the lollipop in her mouth. "Fiction, you say..."

"Yes, almost as if there's a larger force at work."

The Goddess and the Umbra Witch became acutely aware that someone was tailing them and spun around almost simultaneously. Who else was there but Princess Zelda herself, arms crossed in heavy thought. Beside her was the trusty Hero of Time, Link.

"Sorry," Zelda said, then eyed them both in turn. "I couldn't help but be... curious... what... what is it that you mean, exactly, by a 'larger force'?"

Bayonetta and Palutena exchanged glances.

"A being beyond this world," said Palutena. "Some... possibly malevolent force out there. I'm not sure, exactly. Do you want to find out together?"

"What are you suggesting, exactly?" Zelda replied, grimacing. She had never exactly been Palutena's biggest fan.

Bayonetta gave Palutena a knowing wink.

"It's... never mind," Palutena said to everyone. "Let's be straight, here, Zellie. You don't like the cut of my jib. And I doubt you're going to like what's necessary to unlock those sorts of-"

"If there's some larger force that has control over our lives, if-" Zelda interrupted her. "If there's someone out there who can continue to make our lives a living hell, then goddamn it, we need to _do something _about it, don't we?!_"_

Link put a hand on his girl's shoulder. "Have the last few days really been a living hell? We've had some pretty baller bangin' sessions."

Zelda sighed. "Thanks to some totally inexplicable mind-control ray, we fucked on _live television_," she stated. "Having my privates literally onscreen for the enjoyment of millions of people? Yeah. NOT my idea of fun. Palutena, if you've got some kind of plan to get our lives back to normal, I'm in. I don't care what it entails."

Bayonetta adjusted her glasses and nodded to Palutena. "It wouldn't hurt to fill her in, at the very least."

Ganondorf waved at them from down the hall. Palutena beckoned for him to come closer with haste.

As he approached, Palutena tousled her long, green hair. "Ha! Very well, princess. I haven't been this excited since _Kid Icarus Uprising _was announced. Now come closer, my pretties."

Zelda, Link, Ganon, and Bayonetta swooched on in. The Goddess then leaned in to whisper in their ears.

* * *

**Smashgrounds Castle Grounds**  
**Inner Courtyard**  
**7:20 AM**

"HEY GUYS! THE WAR IS OVER! YOU CAN STOP NOW!" Lucina yelled at Giga Evil Daisy and Avatar Korra, whose pussy juices were now flooding the streets of Smash City and short-circuiting Lloids even as the repair crews were struggling to drop Tetromino blocks back in place to rebuild the coastal metropolis.

"Oi, no point in breakin' that up," Shulk opined. "It's kinda hot."

"That's what's bothering me," said Lucina. "Ugh."

"What we need's a change of scenery. Toon Link says there's Skee-Ball machines in the arcade."

And so Shulk and Lucina hit up the rec room in the basement adjacent to the indoor pool, where Slippy was making a fool of himself failing at Whack-A-Mole and Ike, Mel (formerly Melville), Mewtwo, and Lucas were engaged in a delightfully addictive board game called Catan.

"HEY!" Ike yelled after catching Mewtwo and Lucas in the midst of exchanging knowing looks. "No communicating psychically! We announce our deals out loud!"

"I got a sheep! Anyone have a brick to trade?" The Female Villager, Mel, announced.

"NERDS!" Shulk jested as he exchanged some coins for tokens.

"Put a shirt on!" Mewtwo chided the topless teen.

"Say, wasn't Fox going to join us?" Ike asked his companions.

"Last I heard, he went up to the Robins for some therapy," Lucas said.

Mel was shocked. "Huh? That Fox dude is actually _admitting_ he's got problems?"

"Nah," said Mewtwo. "He said something about trying to score some Adderall."

* * *

**The Smashgrounds  
Don Luigi's Office  
9:02 AM**

It was quite a calming sight. While Falco, Lady Fi, and Mr. Miyamoto were beta-testing _Star Fox Zero _in one corner of the room, in the other, Don Luigi lit up a cuban cigar in his office for him and his brother to share. Erik Satie's "Gymnopedies 1" was playing off the stereo.

Mario took the second puff and looked dramatically through the blinds at the simultaneous rebuilding and pussy-juice flooding of Nintendo's biggest virtual city.

"I know you can a-use my help," Mario insisted to his brother.

"Most of-a the affairs here are mind-numbingly boring," Luigi replied, his attention shifting now to Shrek as he was cheering on Dark Rayman. "Besides, how long is this altruism gonna last? You never were one to want to dabble in politics."

Mario snickered at the challenge. "Try a-me. What's on your agenda?"

Luigi gestured at the clipboard on his desk. Mario picked it up and studied its contents:

Make public and private apologies to all victims of the Fiona Regime (individuals, companies, LGBTWTFBBQ organizations, feminists, men's rights groups, etc.)

Begin _Super Smash Bros._ Fighter Ballot project for Mr. Sakurai

Remind Lady Fi to create the new "Male Villager"

Track down Professor E. Gadd for Wario's missing fortune

Troll "The Last Guardian" board on NeoGAF with Borat "you're never gonna get this" meme

Beat the final boss of _Contra: Shattered Soldier_

Write a hate letter to Konami about the difficulty of _Contra: Shattered Soldier_

Once again attempt to convince Samus to split herself into Samus and Zero Suit Samus personas like Sheik/Zelda to free up CAST RAM

Set a release schedule and allocate CAST server resources for upcoming Wii U release of _Half-Life 3_

Test out "human consciousness upload" protocols as per Mr. Iwata's requests

Plead with Keiji Inafune to make _Mega Man_, er, _Mighty No. 9_ great again

Apologize to Shovel Knight and Shantae for failing to get them spots in the Tomodachi Life household

Broker peace deal with Disney over the return of Mickey Mouse

Mario noted that the ink was barely dry on #13, fitting since the mouse in question was now probably rotting in the Moon dungeons, being whipped senselessly by Simon Belmont.

"Wow," said Mario. "Suddenly I don't envy your responsibilities."

"Figured as much," Luigi replied with a dismissive shrug. "Thanks for offering. But next time, if you don't mean it-"

"I DO!" Mario insisted. "No one said anything about my not helping! I need-a to work! It will help me stay sober!"

"O-kay," Luigi said, nonplussed. He expected his brother to say as much, but this was as good a reason as any. "Fair enough. Then which-"

Mario pointed at #2. "What-a is this-a fighter ballot?"

"Oh," said Luigi. "Sakurai wanted to gauge who the fans would want to be made available as DLC."

"And?"

"And all you've gotta do is figure out how to make the online form and post it. We get the results back, then report to him. It's so simple a starved Bangladeshi slave orphan could do it in between stitching Air Jordans."

Mario's eyes brightened. "No little brown kid is a-gonna one-up me! I'll take a-the job!"

Just outside the office, on his way to the Robins' office/bedroom, Fox McCloud peeked in through the shutters and saw Falco navigating Sector B on the GamePad. The Miis of Mr. Miyamoto and Platinum Games directors Yugo Hayashi and Yusuke Hashimoto were high-fiving as Falco handled the game's oft-maligned dual-screen, motion control aiming with ease.

"You said your beta-testers struggled with the controls?" Falco asked incredulously as he busted up the boss in record time and lit a stogie.

"I_ KNOOOOW_, right?!" Mr. Hashimoto replied. "You'd think they never held a Wii U GamePad before!"

"It troubles me as well," said Mr. Miyamoto. "We overhauled the controls three times already."

Mr. Hayashi would have pointed out that overhauling the controls might not have been so difficult if they didn't have such unnecessary variety of transforming vehicles to program, but he didn't want to incur Mr. Miyamoto's famous tea-table-upending wrath.

Not one to be bested at his own game, Fox burst in through the door. "Let me have a go on that thing!"

Falco smirked at his teammate. "Be my guest, McCloud."

Over the next few minutes, everyone watched in stunned silence as Fox struggled to navigate Corneria, slamming into buildings, losing his lasers, and ultimately dying to an enemy grunt while attempting to open the alternate pathway to Aquarosa. He also exploded his vehicle like a little bitch on Sector Gamma and even died to the Gigorilla on that boring-ass Area 3 stage before Falco snatched the GamePad from his now-sweaty hands.

"Not fair!" Fox whined. "Lemme try again!"

Falco sneered. "Quit Bogart-ing the controller, man! Your time is up, _ese_!"

"Aren't you forgetting someone?" A silky voice called from the doorway.

They all spun around to see Krystal leaning on her staff.

"Watch and learn, flyboy," she said coolly, taking up the GamePad, playing Fichina, and getting a record score that surprised even Mr. Miyamoto and convinced him that the game no longer needed another major overhaul.

That night, the sleepless developers at Platinum Games built a shrine to Krystal, friend of beleaguered, underpaid, overworked game designers worldwide. Then they bukkake'd all over it.

* * *

**III. In My Darkest Hour**

**The Smashgrounds  
Dungeons Beneath the Hangarage  
9:30 AM**

Mickey Mouse came to in a pitch-black room, with a spotlight trained onto his face. He didn't even know he'd been knocked out, so his sense of reality, which was already totally warped, got even more rekt when he smelled the figure standing over him, a dimly-lit but deadly baseball bat with barbed wire (essentially "Lucille", Negan's weapon in "The Walking Dead") in hand.

The sound of a carrot being munched in half scared the bejeezus out of him.

"Eeeeeeeeehhhh. What's up, Doc?" Bugs Bunny asked of his lifelong rival, a mischievous but unmistakably sadistic glint coloring his eyes.

For the first time in a long time, Mickey felt genuine terror run up his spine. Bugs wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. He was a heartless bastard through and through and the Mouse knew for certain that he was about to have a hell of a bad time.

"B-B-Bugs? Fancy meetin' you here!"

"Simon Belmont owed me a favor," said Bugs, twirling the weapon delicately. "I broke Ramsay Bolton for him last week. Boy, have I been lookin' forward to seein' you again, doc."

"Bugs, I'll give ya anything! My people will talk to your people, we'll get you in another movie-"

"Hey Daffy, this jerk-off needs to quit talkin'."

"My pleasure," said the duck that emerged from the shadows only to shove a football-sized ball gag into Mickey's mouth and strap it so tightly around his head, his brain was throbbing from the pain.

The Mouse quivered and cried, his knees knocking against one another.

"Mickey, Mickey, Mickey," began Bugs. "Ya know the one thing I really despise? The one thing I just can't stand? It's rape. Not just physical rape, mind ya. It's the raping of innocent childrens' minds, which is exactly what your company's lazy, pandering, pathetic, statist, status-quo-affirming, subliminal-message-filled movies do. Ya know what the big lie is in _Zootopia_? It's that you can use animal species as an allegory for different kinds a' humans. It's a false equivalency! Humans are all one species with less than a hundredth of a degree of genetic variation between each one. Ya can't just confuse kids like that! Oh, and _Inside Out_ totally warps how the brain works! Emotions don't rule our thoughts! Thoughts originate in the subconscious. Memories are formed on the spot by reconstructing events, they ain't little edited video clips in bubbles. An' there ain't no 'bottomless pit' where ya can lose memories forever! Shit don't work like that! And don't even get me started on the racist BS of films like _Aladdin_... ah, but I'm getting' ahead o' myself, doc. Let's see... have you ever heard of the term 'reverse blowjob'?"

Daffy giggled and gaggled. Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Foghorn Leghorn, and Sylvester could be heard in the shadows as well.

Mickey shook his head.

"Good," said Bugs. "Because the surprise is half the fun. C'mere, Elmer. Show him what yer made of."

"Wid pweasure, bawss," said Elmer Fudd, who walked up to Mickey, greased the top of his head, and pulled down the Mouse's shorts.

Mickey twitched at the prospect of the creepy old bald hunter doing something to Mickey Junior, but he had absolutely no idea what kind of tortuous shit he was in for.

"Open wiiiiiide," said Elmer, grabbing the head of Mickey's dick hole and beginning to stretch it out with his fat fingers. "Hewe comes de airplaaaaane."

Mickey wailed and screamed and kicked out and fought it with all his will, but he could not prevent Elmer from stretching his dick beyond any conceivably comfortable limits of even the stretchiest cartoon characters, then beginning to shove his humongous bald head into said dick hole, one excruciating inch at a time.

"It's so wawm!" Elmer chuckled.

"MAKE IT STOP!" Mickey cried as Elmer pumped his head into Mickey's head, prompting vessels to rupture in his cock and flood the destroyed tissue with internal bleeding. "MAKE IT STOOOOOP!"

Needless to say, Elmer didn't stop, and Bugs and the others moved in closer and took selfies with the horrific act of torture.

* * *

**The Smashgrounds  
Don Luigi's Office  
9:43 AM**

Fox, dejected, walked out of the beta-testing room and away from Krystal's total domination of _Star Fox Zero_, cursing himself as he trotted down the hallway towards the Robins', hopeful that they would prescribe him something to take the pain of his continued existence away.

He thought of his embarrassment and failures in the previous few battles involving the Smashers and bemoaned that his lot in life was to be made fun of by everyone involved. Tears welled in his eyes as he neared their office and took the _Fire Emblem_-shaped door knocker in hand, but he was stayed by the unmistakable voice of King Dedede.

"Naw, naw, say it ain't so!" Dedede wailed.

"It's the truth," said Robin. "There's a huge difference between recreational use and abuse, and from what you and Kirby here have described, we're seeing heavy signs of substance dependence."

"Fiddlesticks! I can quit any time," Dedede insisted.

"Then put your money where yer big-ass beak is!" Kirby, who must have also been in the room, challenged him.

Fox peered in through the keyhole at the proceedings. It probably wasn't helping the self-proclaimed King, seated upon the crushed remains of what used to be a silk-covered chaise longue, that Robin and Robyn were passing a bong around between the two of them. Kirby was pacing the floor nervously.

"Ain't got no reason to quit!" Dedede replied, arms crossed. "Shit makes me feel good. Ain't no reason nohow I should give up somethin' that makes me happy."

Robyn coughed before continuing. "Most statistics in the Western world show that anyone who's dependent on a substance in order to feel 'normal' is, at the very least, physically addicted, and that once you cease using the substance, your mood will plummet and you'll feel worse off than when you started."

Robin added, "Oh, to that I'd add – artificially-induced happiness is just a crutch. Without being able to feel everyday pains, you won't be able to experience or react to anything properly. From all that weed, you'll grow numb, and life won't affect you anymore. The bad times won't affect you as much, but even the good times will just pass on by like trains in the night, or tears lost in rain."

King Dedede tried long and hard to recall the last time he wasn't stoned. He just couldn't do it. Whether the weed was fucking with his memory or whether it was because he hadn't been sober in years, he had no idea. But the very thought of stopping had him all in a tizzy.

"Then why've I gotta quit at all?" The King argued. "In this digital domain, we can smoke 'til the cows come home! Ain't no need to confront no withdrawals if we can manifest that delicious green leaf outta thin air whenever we wanna, feel me?"

"Dependence and withdrawals are only the tip of the iceberg," said Robyn. "Human studies have also shown that daily marijuana smokers are also more likely to be fatalistic, depressed, under-employed, in debt, and generally unhappy. It's even been suggested that abuse makes it so that one's entire schedule and life goals become focused around getting high."

Dedede looked around the room, wondering if they were even attempting to address him. "Aight, back up a bit. Somethin' 'bout this don't work out logically. Lemme get this straight... you're usin' human fleshbag statistics on a _digital _lifeform? Weaksauce."

"There's no reasoning with you, is there?" Kirby piped up. "Did you hear nothing Lady Fi said the other night?! Our behavioral models were _molded _after humans! You wanna bring Mother CAST into this?"

King Dedede rolled out of the destroyed chaise longue, nabbed the bong from them, and sparked it up in one fell swoop. He inhaled the remainder of the grass, held it in for a good half-minute as they looked on in silent, awkward protest, then spewed it out as smoky letters in the Robins' faces. The smoke spelled out "FUCK YOU".

He then coughed, got to his feet, dropped a few coins on the coffee table, harrumphed at Kirby, then nodded at the Robins.

"I can see we're getting' nowhere," Dedede said sternly, then pointed at Kirby. "You need to learn to mind your own beeswax," he grumbled at his longtime friend before marching out of the room.

Fox, who had been searching for a way to open the door, had no time to hide; one second, he heard Dedede's large feet plop and slap against the floor, and the next, the door had swung open and pinned him against the wall, where he knocked the back of his head against a marble bust of Mario and fell flat on his face.

"I can't help but call a spade a spade," called Kirby, chasing after him with his stubby feet. "Wait up, dude!"

King Dedede kicked up dust along the shag carpet as he ambled down the hallway. "That's the last time you drag me to these circle-jerk-sters. Dey good in a fight, but their medical credentials are lacking as all hell-"

"Listen, I don't care if you smoke, or don't smoke, or whatever," Kirby replied. "I just... you're my friend, and I don't want you to get hurt. Or... or change... like what happened with Fiona. Like what happened with DK and Diddy."

Against his better judgment, Dedede immediately softened up.

"Aww, shucks, ain't you a sweetheart," Dedede jested, patting the little guy on the head.

Fox emerged from behind the doorway clutching his aching skull. Instead of cartoon stars, he had Arwings and Wolfen ships flying around his noggin, firing at one another.

"Uh, hi guys," Fox said, surprising everyone outside the office.

Suddenly Meta-Knight crashed through the Laguz-themed skylight, sending shards of glass and metal flying every which way. Robin and Robyn nimbly dodged the debris, but Fox McCloud was too dizzy to activate his reflector and every inch of his torso was struck by the falling shit, causing him to bleed all over the place.

"Oops," said Meta-Knight absently, as if he'd just discovered that he accidentally stepped on an apple peel. "Heya, Kirbs! Did I miss the intervention?"

Kirby groaned. "Yes. All of it. Well, except for this shitshow-"

He gestured to Fox screaming and yelling and crying as he rolled around on the floor, only further pushing the stained glass into his vital organs.

Kirby and Meta-Knight groaned and sucked up all the glass that had impaled Fox, while Robin and Robyn patched him up with Vulneraries. McCloud tried to lift his arm in a gesture of thanks, but vomited blood all over the floors.

Robin spoke into his Bluetooth headset: "Hey Siri, call Doctor Stiles."

"I'm sorry," replied Siri. "I did not understand you."

"HEY SIRI CALL DOCTOR DEREK STILES YOU USELESS TWAT!"

"Not if you take that tone. Mind your language."

"Don't tell me what to do, you overpriced calculator!" Robin screamed, then tossed his iPhone in the air, pulled out the Desert Eagle handgun he stole from Lara Croft the other night, and blew it to bits. Even more debris went flying, and this time King Dedede's face bore the brunt of the explosive device.

"GAAAAHHH!" The King cried aloud.

Robyn looked upon her selfcestuous lover with an expression of shame and disgrace. "Are you _quite _done? We're supposed to be _helping_, not hurting."

The lovers continued to spat as Derek, who was not far down the wing, came at the behest of Meta-Knight's call with Nurse Joy in tow.

"Oh, dear!" the Nurse cried.

"We got another spewer. Get me the L-shaped Tetris block!" Dr. Stiles commanded his pink-haired medical assistant before spanking her ass for good measure.

"Yes, sir!" Nurse Joy replied, and returned with an L-shaped block, with Dr. Stiles used to knock out both King Dedede and Fox McCloud.

"Good," he said, and then instead of using his scalpel or Healing Touch or any of his other abilities, just let their bodies heal of their own accord.

Dr. Stiles stood and looked around the Robins' office, which, aside from countless books on dark magicks, was filled with all sorts of trinkets like Aromatherapy candles, hookahs, pills of every shape and form, a table outfitted with electrodes clearly for electroshock therapy, a Metroid in a jar being harvested for energy to power their weed growing station, and a mattress which was clearly a resting spot for anyone trying to get a hit of heroin or opium.

"Just what kind of a place are you running here?"

You could have heard a pin drop as he surveyed their wares, a disgusted look on his face.

The two exchanged a glance and both opened their mouths at the same time to reply.

"A massage parlor-" "Crossfit lessons-"

"Cool," said Dr. Stiles, not missing a beat. "And how much for an ounce of top shelf kush, a bottle of 200mg Vicodin, and the unedited Meg White sex tape?"

"Six thousand coins," Robin immediately answered, happy to have found a new business partner.

* * *

**IV. So Long And Thanks For All The Ice**

**The Smashgrounds  
Don Luigi's Office  
10:11 AM**

As Mario dusted off his laptop and prepared to work on the _Super Smash Bros. _Fighter Ballot, he heard Zelda and Peach chatting in the courtyard with his huge fucking ears.

"I heard a rumor you and Link were... visibly engaged on the battlefield," Peach proclaimed to her bestie.

The Hylian Princess bit her lip and hunched over. "Yeah... I... I think they caught it on camera."

Peach held a hand over her mouth, shocked. "Oh! Does he know?"

Zelda sighed. "No, but it's only a matter of time. Listen, Peach, there's... there's something I need to tell you."

"Oh?"

"No easy way to say it. Ah, but I'm feeling faint. Let's have a seat first."

The two ladies found a bench to sit on and faced one another. Zelda took Peach's hands in her own.

"I'm sorry. About everything I said. About your lifestyle. About the way you treat your relationships with others. Trying to compare people in that way does everyone a huge disservice."

Peach was blushing, evidently not expecting all this. "Ah... that's so sweet of you to say..."

"I was wrong," Zelda said firmly. "I'm very, very sorry. I acted badly. I was judgmental. Intolerant. I... shied away from our friendship, just when you needed me most. I could have helped more. With Mario, I mean. Instead, I just-"

Peach shook her head and averted her eyes. "The past is the past. And I think Mario and I are both seeing that as well."

"How so?"

"I... I don't know. After last night's events, I've been seeing a different side of him. This may sound crazy, but maybe our breakup was just what he needed. Maybe now that he doesn't have someone watching over him, he'll be more proactive with taking care of himself. I just hope he continues to stay off the stuff."

"Habits can be tough to break," admitted Zelda. "But if he even ever does get over himself... would you want him back?"

A lump formed in Mario's throat. He didn't dare gulp it down, didn't dare make a single noise. His heart fluttered like a dying Butterfree caught in a turbine and pounded out a late '90s Euro-trance beat.

_Tell me what to do! _Mario thought. _I'll make it up to you! I'd do anything! ANYTHING!_

"If I could have my old Mario again, my loving Mario, the one who knew when to crack a joke and cared enough to listen, who would bring me Fire Flowers just because, eat my pussy twice a week, cook me linguini, and sing Sam Hart's "Mario Kart Love Song" to me late at night when we were alone on Rainbow Road... then yes. In a heartbeat."

"WAA-HOO!" Mario exclaimed, then quickly bit his tongue and hid behind the window.

_Oh, a-no! Did a-they fucking hear me?!_

He took off his distinct hat and peeked over the sill. Peach and Zelda had just both done a double-take, and then appeared to notice, as Mario just had, that none other than Bowser Junior, DK, Sheik, and Ryu were engaged in a game of _Mario Kart 8_, as could be seen from Sheik's first-floor dorm window.

Mario convinced himself that the Princesses concluded that the iconic voice of Charles Martinet must have come from that game. He wiped the sweat from his brow, and the Princesses walked on, but the _Mario Kart 8 _race continued and took a rather dark turn after DK slipped on a perfectly placed banana peel right by the shortcut across the final turn in DK Jungle, knocking him off the ledge and taking him from first place to tenth.

"Wahahahahaha!" Bowser Junior jested at his opponent again. "Banana Slamma!"

Sheik and Ryu nudged Junior to mind his loose tongue.

DK closed his eyes and counted to ten. "One more time, Junior. This is your final warning."

"He means it!" hollered Diddy Kong from the next room, who was getting a very luxurious massage from Trixie Kong, who was there providing her massage services.

"Dee! Kay!" Bowser Junior taunted. "Donkey Kong! Donkey Kong is here! Ooo-wah!"

Sheik and Ryu backed away as DK slammed his closed fist atop Bowser Junior, squishing him into Koopa Jelly and busting his face open like a rotted pumpkin the day after Halloween.

"Shoulda let the Wookiee win," Sheik whispered to Ryu.

"I heard that!" DK grumbled. "Kid was really pushing my buttons!"

Diddy groaned from the other room. "Better clean that low-tier trash up before his dad shows up."

Sheik sighed and pulled out her cell phone. "Olimar?" she said into the receiver. "Got some junk for your Pikmin to devour."

"Aw, crap," said Olimar from the other end – he was watching a Nature Special on Discovery channel about flower mating. "Right now? I've got my pants down."

"Uh, that's fine. Take your time," said Sheik.

* * *

Thanks to the nice change in pace afforded by peacetime, the rest of the day passed by relatively peacefully, with only a few noteworthy events, to be enumerated here.

The newest story on The Monita Show was that Master Chief and Marcus Fenix both came out of the closet on live television as a gay couple; though nobody was surprised, the timing was fortuitous, since they were coincidentally (yeah, right) releasing a years-in-the-making Slightly Stoopid-inspired folk-blues-reggae album called "There Can Only Be One" that very afternoon, complete with a sensual cover of Sting's classic love song "Fields of Gold" that went like this:

**Original Song: Fields of Gold**  
**Artist: Sting**  
**New Lyrics by Master "John" Chief and Marcus Fenix**

You'll remember me when our franchises end  
And we're left among dead bodies  
You'll forget your squads of those other guys  
As we tug each other off

Penetrate my ass, give me a reach-around  
Upon that bleak battlefield  
In my belly cum, let the bombs rain down  
As we fuck in fields of blood

Will you stay with me, will you suck my cock  
As Lambent and Flood eat our buddies  
We'll forget to fight for those other guys  
And we'll finish each other off

See the Hammer of Dawn obliterate  
And hold your baby close and tender  
Feel my penis rise when you kiss my mouth  
Among the fields of death

I don't swallow another man's cum lightly  
And there have been some that I've spat out  
But I swear in the days still left  
We'll fuck in fields of blood, we'll fuck in fields of blood

Many years have passed since those summer days  
Among the deformed bodies  
The human race is gone and your pants are down  
Among the fields of death

You'll remember me when there's no one left  
And your semen's shooting in me  
We'll peel our armor off and be naked guys  
Who make love in fields of death

We'll make love in fields of blood  
We'll make love in fields of death

And then at the end of the song, the two men leapt atop one another right then and there in the studio and began having rough, hard sex on the floor.

"Get behind me! Just don't call me Dom again!" the Master Chief said as Marcus bent him over, pulled open the flap on the MJOLNIR Powered Spartan Assault Armor, and slapped John's butt with his dick until the latter became as hard as steel.

Marcus pushed the Chief onto the floor.

"You really want to get into this again? I _need _this," said Marcus, who rammed it into his friend on live TV and called him Dom as they bumped crotches for the rest of the program.

The camera cut to Monita, who blinked and mumbled something about them trying to upstage her, but it was of little use. The duo became Smash City's new gay sweethearts overnight and their album sales went through the roof.

* * *

Also, that afternoon, Pauline attempted to woo Don Luigi, who was still a bit heartbroken over Daisy becoming a lesbian.

"I don't know what a-to tell you," said Luigi. "I'm not interested in romance right now."

She put one hand on the smooth fabric covering his hairy chest. "Not even sex?"

"No strings attached?" he asked. "I'm a busy man."

"Cross my heart. It'll be like old times again."

And so they fucked, relentlessly, for several hours, something that Luigi immediately regretted afterward, despite being utterly satisfied with her technique, since Pauline would just not shut up about Knuckles' echidna penis, which was long and ribbed. She compared it favorably to Luigi's normal-sized one.

Thankfully, this awkward pillow talk didn't go on for long, since Knuckles was soon pounding on Luigi's door yelling things such as:

"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, PAULINE! Don't hide from me!"

"I thought you were my biggest fan! Why trade me in for some two-bit Italian chump?"

"You gonna give _me_ the silent treatment? I'ma bust your face in!"

Knuckles grumbled and accused her of all sorts of mean things and threatened her like some wifebeater, but ultimately it was Luigi who gave in.

Tired of hearing this utter bullshit, he pulled up his boxers, grabbed a Super Shotgun, kicked open the door, and pointed it in Knuckles' face.

"ONE MORE WORD OUTTA YOU! JUST ONE!"

I wish I could tell you that Knuckles said "Shit!" by surprise and got his head blown away, but it wasn't that exciting. In reality, he held his weird knuckles up in surrender and fear, then backed away slowly to the elevator.

As the elevator doors slid open, Knuckles backed into Cloud as he was balls-deep into Aerith. Cloud, alarmed and without realizing what he did, chopped Knuckles' head off.

* * *

Around lunchtime, the bout between Dark Rayman and Rayman was resolved.

Quite a crowd had gathered outside the Tomodachi Life complex and Shrek's boom box was blasting themes on loop from "Gladiator" and "The Last of the Mohicans" for several hours to motivate his friend.

With a non-stop fist barrage, Dark Rayman actually wore the original Rayman out to the point where he slammed his body into a sewer hole, separating it from his head, grabbed said disembodied bobble-head, and tore it in two, creating a ripping sound not unlike that of Gregor Clegane tearing that Faith Militant dude's head off.

Shrek and Mega Man cheered the Canadian Rayman on as he hastily ate the French Rayman's brains until nothing was left. Then Dark Rayman licked his lips, unclenched his bloody fists, collapsed onto his back (the 'Stretch Out' pose from "Dark Souls 3"), and stared at the seemingly infinite sky while Napstablook (who was there on vacation) joined him; they both listened to his Spooky Wave music.

As if he were on an Ayahuasca trip, Rayman faded in and out of consciousness and puked a lot. His eyes and mouth glowed with burning light and he spasmed as if he were undergoing a seizure.

"AHHHH!" The Last Rayman Standing cried.

Mega Man rushed to help his buddy, but Shrek held him back.

"No, laddie! He's gotta get through it on his own!"

The CAST data was rearranging itself. Filtered through the Nintendo CAST server, the Ubisoft CAST server's memories of the original Rayman did not recreate the original Rayman, but merged with this glitch-filled reject.

This had the effect of finally uniting the two sides of Dark Rayman's split personality into one unified being, albeit one that also contained the memories of the "official" Ubisoft Rayman.

The screaming stopped. Rayman saw the light at the end of the tunnel. He was more than he ever was before, and that was undoubtedly a good thing.

As suddenly as he began this transformation, Rayman sat up and looked directly at his friends. He blinked.

"I know French," he said.

"Rayman!" Mega Man and Shrek exclaimed simultaneously, then walked on over to their friend cautiously.

"It's okay, guys," said Rayman. "I feel... I feel FANTASTIC!"

He somersaulted and backflipped and did a tap dance. Napstablook put on James Brown's "I Feel Good" and everyone began dancing to it.

"So _this _is what it's like to have energy again! I'm no longer a zombie!"

"I'll drink to that!" Shrek announced, and before long they were seeking out Crash and Travis to go split an 18-pack with them.

On the way there, though, they were approached by the Hylian Postman, who was, on Zelda's behalf, spreading the word that later in the afternoon, Nana and Popo were taking off. According to her mind-reading abilities, they were leaving to Eorzea, the world of _Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn._

"Fuck, we gotta see 'em off!" said Mega Man.

"Hopefully _someone_ is planning a surprise party," said Shrek, who was munching on Ubisoft's Rayman's round purple torso.

* * *

**The Smashgrounds  
Hangarage  
****4:20 PM**

Nana and Popo were alone in the Hangarage packing the Quinjet that Mickey Mouse rode in on with their climbing gear and blubber reserves when Popo's alarm went off.

Four-twenty.

Usually it was the time of day he'd take a nice puff of the ganja and head on a magic carpet ride. But now things were different. Now he was going clean.

Popo suddenly burst into tears.

"What's wrong?" Nana asked him, rushing to her man's side and stroking his arm. This was highly unusual behavior for her lover.

"It's... it's nothing," lied Popo.

"No, really. We don't have to leave if you don't want to."

But Popo knew that Nana didn't _really _mean that. What women would _ever _mean to suggest that they abstain from taking a vacation said woman was already super anxious to go on, no less a vacation to a super hot tourist spot?

"Don't hold it in," said Nana. "_Tell me _what's bothering you. Communicate properly, remember?"

"It's silly, really," said Popo, who decided to just make some shit up to get his woman off his back. "I just realized... what if Star Wars Episode 7 sucks? I mean, that plot synopsis leaked online, what with the Starkiller Base and Luke Skywalker's lightsaber... it just sounded so dumb, like... if they are literally just doing a soft reboot of the original movie and killing off my favorite character, I don't think I could take it."

"Don't worry," Nana reassured him. "There's no way it could be worse than _Episode II_."

"I hope right you are," Popo said in a faux-Yoda voice.

Just then, Nana grabbed him and pushed him against the Quinjet's wheel.

"I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to give up your weed smoking," she told him. "And I want you to know that I respect you immensely for that."

_Eerie, _he thought as she kissed him and reached underneath his parka to stroke him. _Am I really that transparent?_

"Whoa, that feels good," Popo conceded as she stripped him naked.

"Tell me you'll love only me," Nana begged.

"I'll love only you," said Popo, who, I'm sad to say, ended up falling hard for Mei down the line, after seeing her once at Blizzard's party celebrating the release of Overwatch, which prompted the Climbers to have another breakup. But hey, that's another story.

Nana got down on her knees and tickled Popo's dick.

"Aww, is our little wiener at full mast already?" she asked, since it was only four inches long.

"We talked about this. Can you... not call it little?" Popo requested.

She was about to reply by telling him it was just big enough for her, but just then, the flood lights went on and they were greeted by a chorus of all their friends.

"BON VOYAGE!" All the Smashers showed up from behind various vehicles and karts and airships and Popo fainted on the spot.

Nana gasped and fanned her lover back awake. Peach and the Female Wii Fit Trainer rushed over to help. Dr. Mario showed up and didn't do much but scratch his beard, suggest X-rays and CAT scans, suggest a follow-up appointment, then charge the Ice Climbers a bill of 100,000 Coins.

Yoshi, who was carrying the large rum cake they were all gonna eat, looked around to see if anyone would notice if he took just a tongue-ful.

Ganondorf gave him the kind of look that says, _Don't even fucking think about it _and that shut him up good.

But it was Pikachu who stepped out of the crowd and said, "Pika pikaaa!" (Let me settle this!)

As everyone put on their sunglasses or turned away, he Thundered Popo back to life.

"AHHHH!" Popo yelled, every hair on his body totally standing on end.

The others laughed and he rushed to clothe himself. By the time he was decent, they had set up a mass picnic in the Hangarage and were enjoying a merry afternoon snack.

Even Cloud, the outsider, was pleased to find that he was enjoying himself in this company.

"So you've been all living together since 2001?" he asked Nana. "That's insane."

"My memories are still coming back to me," said she. "But yes, pretty much. Popo and I, though, we've been inseparable since 1985!"

"Man, in game years, you guys are, like, ancient," Cloud, who was twelve years younger, reflected.

"Which is why we're finally going on vacation, right?!" she nudged Popo, who was nursing a mug of hot cocoa and merely nodded.

"I've never been one for ceremony," Popo said. "And I do miss our icy home. But we live in a beautiful and bountiful world. I figure, why not travel where I can while we still have the chance? Who knows? I mean what happens if these guys vote to close the borders forever?"

And so the two held hands and melted everyone's hearts.

When it came time for a speech, it was Luigi who got up on the "?" block Peach's Toads brought in as a podium.

"You guys have been with us since the days of Melee," said Luigi. "That's a hell of a long time, and a hell of a lot of dedication. And in the years since then, we've died many, many, _many _times to your hellish chain-grabs. Without you, Wobbles wouldn't have a career. For that, I kind of want to hate you. But I won't, because you've got a unique play-style, and you've also been there to keep us entertained as all hell."

"Das right!" King Dedede interjected. "Popo, do ya remember the time at Captain Falcon's where you barfed all over the floor and tripped and fell in it and we were all hollerin' at yo' punk ass?"

Some of the men assembled snickered and elbowed one another. Popo shifted uncomfortably. "Is this a roast or a farewell?" he grumbled.

"Jus' playin', boyo," said Dedede, who waddled on over for a big hug, before continuing, "An' how about the time you sat on that Whoopee Cushion and it scared you so bad you shat yoself fo' real?"

Captain Falcon fell onto the floor laughing, and his laughter was so contagious, Sheik, Link, and the Male Wii Fit Trainer all succumbed to a case of the giggles.

"ENOUGH!" Popo yelled, then stood up, tossed his martini glass at the monarch, and stormed into the Quinjet. "ARE YOU COMING, WOMAN?!"

Nana crossed her arms. "Well! I was _just _saying goodbye to Peach and the others-"

"Take your time, I'll warm 'er up!" Popo grumbled, then flicked Dedede the bird once more and marched into the cockpit to start the jet engines.

"Some guys can't take a joke," said Kirby. "Let 'im be."

"OH!" King Dedede remembered, this time pulling out a huge bullhorn. "How's about the time you was on an airplane wid Lara Croft, an' she was on her period, an' real horny, so she aksed you if you wanted to join the Mile High Club, an' you told her you were already a member of _24 Hour Fitness_?"

This got a good laugh from the whole CAST as anyone who was still holding back just let themselves erupt into fits of hyena-like hee-ing and haw-ing.

Nana, who had not heard this story, bit her lip to keep it from quivering in confusion and shame.

Popo fired some warning shots at the crowd, who all gasped and ducked and shouted expletives at the weed-deprived Ice Climber, at least until Sonic was hit in the chest in the midst of advertising The Mighty Leaf Tea company.

"Mighty... Leaf... dot com..." he wheezed. "From now till Friday only... 20% off all items..."

Then Sonic collapsed and died again, but not before Peach caught the china glass from his hand so it didn't crack on the floor.

"LAST CALL! GET IN THE JET, BITCH!" Popo yelled over the P.A.

"Coooo-miiiing!" sang Nana as she finished the last of her goodbye hugs, tears streaming down her face as if she lost something that she could not replace.

"AN' DON'T FORGET THE TIME YOU TRIED TO LIGHT YOUR BONG WITH A FIRE PIKMIN AND BURNED YOUR ROOM DOWN!" Dedede reminded him, getting the last laugh in.

Popo closed his eyes and pictured Dedede being dededead from AIDS as the jet burst out of the hangar and popped through the portal in the sky, taking them to the wild lands of Eorzea and far, far, away from the circus of the Smashgrounds.

* * *

**V. Too Many Dicks On The Dance Floor**

**Smashgrounds Dining Room  
8:03 PM**

Dinner that evening was a relatively quiet affair. Far too quiet, in fact, and because it was so uneventful, Ganondorf's friends had far too many questions for him.

"Yo dude, where Palutitties?" Little Mac, who had finally finished fucking Princess Plump, queried.

"No comment," said Ganon.

"Ain't you worried about her?"

"Worry about your own self," said Ganon.

"C'mon buddy, you bein' all secretive and shit is just piquing my interest further! What's cookin'?"

Captain Falcon elbowed his way into the conversation. "Yeah, I couldn't help but notice that Link and Zelda are MIA as well."

"No shit!" Little Mac exclaimed. "And where's that new chick, the black-haired librarian type? I betcha they're off havin' a fivesome!"

"There's four of 'em, ya nitwit," said Captain Falcon, slapping him in the back of the head. "Just how _many _punches to the head have you taken, again?"

"Enough that he exclusively dates fat chicks," Ganon answered for Mac, chuckling. "Does she remind you of the good times you spent with King Hippo?"

"Hey!" Little Mac grumbled. "No changin' the subject! You gonna fill us in, or am I gonna have to spy on your black ass?"

Ganon looked around the room shiftily. Sonic and Mario were chatting about the Olympics. Lucina and Shulk were taking selfies while striking stupid poses. Kirby and Dedede were tossing eclairs into each others' mouths across the table (fuck, that sounds weirdly sexual). Roy and Marth were all conversing in Japanese, discussing the incredulous events of the latest _Shingeki no Kyojin _manga. So yeah, to Ganon it seemed like a safe bet to discuss his plans, though he'd have to keep his voice just above a whisper.

"What's going down tonight is not for the feint of heart," he told his two besties. "It could mean the end of life as we know it. Do you really want to be a part of this?"

"Is it fucked up that Jared Fogel gets one hour of free time every day to walk around and molest kids?" Captain Falcon replied.

Little Mac and Ganon both reeled in shock. "WHAT?"

"I mean, they say he's heavily monitored and shit, but ya never know..."

The two facepalmed.

Ganon whispered, "You know, I don't even care anymore. I could use some help with what the Goddess has got planned anyway. Just meet me in the basement tonight. At midnight. And wear the tackiest '90s clothes you can find."

* * *

**Basement Beneath the Hangarage  
Hidden Airtight Interrogation Room  
1:14 AM**

At one in the morning, Ganondorf sent Chibi-Robo out with a custom program: he commanded several ROBs to wake up the male Smashers and ferry them to a hidden room in the castle grounds' dungeon, all in the name of "the show of their lives".

Some, like Wario and Mr. Game and Watch, figured this was going to be some opportunity to spam their inbox with penis enhancers, were not convinced, and had to be literally knocked out and dragged to the venue, where who else but Ganondorf was waiting, arms crossed, dressed in baggy, backwards-facing jeans and blasting Darude's "Sandstorm" from a boom box to not only get their attention but wake up anyone still clinging to the remnants of their much-earned dreams. On either side of Ganon, Captain Falcon and Little Mac were dressed in equally offensive b-boy attire, bobbing their heads to the eSports "National Anthem".

Don Luigi rubbed his temples in hung-over confusion after having finished a bottle of single-malt whiskey all by his lonesome that very night, whacking it to the seemingly unending sight of Daisy and Korra doing it.

Behind Ganondorf, curtains covered every single wall. Luigi knew that the room beyond was a large interrogation chamber of sorts.

"What is a-going on here?" Luigi mumbled. "Why wasn't I informed?"

"Sorry, Don," said Captain Falcon as he killed the boom box. "Didn't want to spoil the surprise."

"Is it time yet?" asked Little Mac, who was clutching a rope to yank down the curtains maybe a bit too eagerly.

"Wait," said Ganondorf. "Let me explain the rules here. What you guys are about to see in there-"

"Let's get this party started!" Captain Falcon insisted. "King Dedede - drum roll, please."

King Dedede, who was very awake since he was up watching hentai, used Belly Drum!

King Dedede's libido sharply increased!

Mr. Game and Watch capped the drumline with a clash of 2D cymbals, and Little Mac eagerly pulled down the rope to simultaneously drop all of the curtains, unveiling a most revealing view.

And so it happened that all the male Smashers were standing before the one-way mirror looking into the faces of those of the fairer sex they were lucky enough to be sharing the island paradise with (as well as Lady Fi and a few of the Domesticators/Assist Trophies woken up for good measure and to balance out what the Flight of the Conchords might call the 'bro-ho ratio').

The men ogled all of the women as they fretted about. It was early in the morning and they had all been likewise spirited from their beds. They were all looking rather sleepy, and indeed most of them were in their pajamas, nightgowns, negligees, or just very large t-shirts.

None other than Palutena, Bayonetta, and Zelda were addressing the groggy girls in a completely padded room, carpeted and filled with pillows, poles, desks, couches, beds, and chairs. The microphones in the room must have been quite strong, since the male Smashers could hear their every word.

"As crazy as it may sound, Goddess Palutena's theory has a lot of merit," said Zelda. "The idea of some all-powerful being wanting to manipulate us into fighting and..."

"You can say it," Palutena egged her on, rubbing the back of her hand against Zelda's.

The princess yanked her hand away and clenched her fists. "...f-f-fucking... it is a total and complete violation of our rights as sovereign beings. I won't stand for it. Will you?"

"HELL NO!" the women all chanted in unison.

"Good," said Zelda. "That's what I thought. However, the solution to this problem, the breaching of this fourth wall of reality to potentially meet with this being on the other side will require a monumental effort from all of us. Are you all willing to do what it takes? Even if it means... revealing your deepest feelings and desires to everyone in this room?"

Peach raised a hand. "Um... what? Zellie... I'm confused."

"What would we be revealing?" asked Rosalina. "I'm... very private about my personal feelings."

Lucina looked worried.

Zelda leaned in to Palutena to whisper in her ear. "This isn't good. I don't feel right doing this."

"No use getting stage fright now," said the Goddess. "I'm already wet."

While Zelda shuddered, Palutena addressed her audience sweetly but firmly.

"Look, it's either trust Zelda and I, or trust this probably chauvinist male authority figure. What's it gonna be?"

"I vote we go with you!" said the Wii Fit Trainer.

"If Zelda's in, so am I," said Peach.

"Agreed!" Mel added.

But Rosalina was not convinced. She crossed her arms. "There has to be another way."

"Maybe, but ought we to wait around forever, darling?" Bayonetta asked. "This mysterious force is probably preparing for the next violent or sexual episode as we speak."

Rosalina didn't like this, but she couldn't see another way out. "I... guess... if we have no other option..."

Lucina shuddered. "I must test my bravery. My rational mind beseeches me to vote no, but my hungry heart aches for the truth. Alas! For the truth, all must endure. I accept the conditions."

"Game on, sisters," said Fi. "While you can."

"Are we decided?" Bayonetta asked the crowd.

"YES!" the chant came in unison.

"GOOD!" Palutena replied. She snapped her fingers. "It's showtime! Hit it, guys!"

Recognizing the signal, Ganon threw Pikachu and Meowth, who were in the adjacent DJ room/observation deck looking down at the inside of the room, the thumbs-up. Unseen by the others, Pikachu gave the order for several hundred of the city's Grass-Type Pokemon (whom he had hastily gathered under threats of Charizard-related violence and stuffed into the Smashgrounds ventilation shafts) to emit their Attract moves on the inhabitants of said room.

Palutena bolstered the Attract moves' power with several of Viridi's lustful concoctions, love potions made from the bottled essences of the lonely, the love-starved, the animalistic.

And Zelda pitched in with some Hylian brews, given to her by Impa, which were aphrodisiacs used often by the very horny Gerudo women to help them overcome their inhibitions during their infamous girls-only nights.

The Pokemon were rolled in these potions and brews and made to drink some of them, greatly enhancing the effect of their emissions.

It all happened so fast. Since they were being flooded with the pink gas, the love potions, and Zelda's Hylian oils, the women in the padded room could not help but breathe in the hyper-pheromone-laced air.

Before long, they all began gleefully exploring each others' bodies with reckless abandon. The Wii Fit Trainer immediately turned to Sheik and the two began some intense snogging, which soon progressed to scissoring. Peach, who was in a nightie, and Samus, who wore a huge Foxhound shirt, made a beeline for one another and started to kiss and fondle each other's breasts through their tight clothing. Bayonetta pushed Palutena against a pillar and explored her mouth. Against her better judgment, Lucina fought against touching herself underneath her armored leggings. Rosalina clenched her legs together but could not fight back against her own dripping vagina and soon began exploring it for all to see.

Fox and Lucario, who had the best ears, could practically hear twentysomething pairs of mens' pants tightening at the sudden influx of boners filling them out.

Link's eyes widened as he saw Zelda trying to resist the sweet gas by squeezing her own pair of wrists in between her thighs and whimpering that she was soaking her panties.

"I don't know whether to be turned on, or horrified, or both," said Link, who thought he was ready for this, but obviously wasn't.

"When in doubt, whip it out," said Fox McCloud, who began making yiffing sounds before Falcon smacked him on the head with the butt of his handgun, knocking him out.

The others omitted a golf clap that was only broken by Kirby exclaiming, "Seriously though! How is this ethical in any way?"

"It's not," said Mario, who had just entered the room with arms crossed. "This whole thing, it's a-sick."

"But it's the only way we might be able to glimpse the other side of reality!" Captain Falcon protested as he did squats in preparation for what he hoped would be several laps with Samus, who was already visibly wet – she and Peach had already undressed and progressed to heavy petting.

"I didn't say I was against it," said Mario. "I meant... sick, like gnarly, wicked, hard-a-core. I've done way more fucked up a-shit, trust me."

As if on cue, the lights flicked on in the DJ Booth off to one side of the room before them and Dr. Wily, clad in his hipsterish plastic shutter glasses and a flannel shirt, started playing some sexy beats for everyone involved. He started off with Illennium's remix of Niykee Heaton's "Infinity".

"Just what are we supposed to do, anyway?" Olimar asked. He took off his helmet, which was thick with foggy sweat.

Sweat slid down Ganon's face faster than a Zora on a water slide as he witnessed the Grand Fuckening beginning to take place before them all.

"All right guys, we outnumber the ladies, so here's how it's gonna be," said Ganon. "Two enter every three minutes or so. You orgasm, you rotate with the next in line. If you wanna queue up for round two, you've gotta wait for whoever's next to bust their Deku nut, feel me?"

Bowser bit his lower lip as he watched the girls pressed up against the glass, fondling their titties, slapping their asses, practically begging for some cock. "God damn. I mean, Jesus. Whose brilliant idea was this?!"

Wario and Falco were the first to enter, and while Wario went straight for Peach, Falco turned his attentions to the Wii Fit Trainer, who was all over him like a Sicilian on the Olive Oil racket. She rubbed her soft, rubber-textured gray skin all over his feathers, causing some crazy strong static electricity, and then pushed him into a chair.

"Geez laweez!" Falco flailed and flitted about as she pinned him to the chair, unzipped his trousers, and quickly and unceremoniously lowered herself onto his throbbing cock.

"Relax your shoulders," she instructed him, pulling his beak up to her face. "And take deep breaths."

Falco huffed and heaved as the flexible Yoga Master sat down on his entire length, grabbed his arm-wings, and lay back, crossing her legs just below his neck, tightening her vise-like grip on his shaft as she continued to ride him to climax.

Wario hadn't made it to Peach, however, when he slipped on some of Palutena's pussy juices and fell flat on his face.

Still dizzy, he was a bit taken aback when Peach lifted him up by the hand and asked, "Are you okay, Wario?"

Without knowing how or why, he climaxed right then and there, filling his pants with so much jizz that it looked like he had straight-up peed himself. The touch of her hand must have been so intensely hot, and himself so sexually frustrated, that...

"WAAAAA! I need a minute!" Wario wailed.

"Sorry! NEXT!" Ganon yelled.

After he slunk away, Toon Link was up. He stripped off his bathrobe and entered the airlock. The oxygen depressurized and he was drawn into the room, which smelled strongly of sweaty lady parts.

"Whoa, – not so fast!" He protested as Palutena and Krystal wasted absolutely no time in undressing the cel–shaded, childlike Hylian. They were all too fast and wasted no time in pleasuring every one of his senses. Palutena tapped Toon Link's gooch and deep-throated him as Krystal licked his tongue, tiny neck, and cheeks, rubbing her furry face up against his and whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

"You like that, Tink? You like to be fondled and sucked off, don't you?"

"Uhhh, fuck yeah..." Toon Link panted breathlessly as Palutena took his entire length in and out of her mouth, maintaining eye contact all the while, before finally pulling the boy atop her, grabbing his ass, and shoving his cock in and out of her fuckhole while Krystal tickled his prostate with her fingers and ran her delicate touch up and down his tiny body. Fi, who was just passing by, rubbed her floaty arm-thingies against Toon Link's nipples.

Snake pulled up a cooler one of the ROBs had brought in and began handing out some ice-cold brewskis to those outside the airlock.

"Ain't that a glorious sight?" Ryu said, toasting Mega Man as they ogled Rosalina and Lyn entangled in each others' arms. Half-hidden behind a couch (or so she thought) Lucina looked on at the sight, breathing heavily as she seemed to be fighting the urge to flick her bean. It was a fight she seemed close to losing.

"I dunno," said DK. "This feels really wrong."

Donkey Roderick Kong glanced over at the limp bodies of Ness and Lucas, who were hit by a very strong combination of Hypnosis, Sing, and Sleep Powder and left passed out on the floor for being (A) prudes and (B) physically, if not mentally, children, since they were both of legal age.

Bowser Junior was of course left out of the affair as well, and was at the moment playing Splatoon with Alph, Charizard, (who couldn't be found because was having a bit too much fun with a Dragonite he met at a bar), and Mewtwo (who was genderless and didn't really enjoy sex).

_This was all part of Ganon's plan,_ DK supposed. _Those big-headed boys wouldn't have stood for this. They would've done everything in their power to help the poor woman break free of this bondage. And might that have been the right thing to do in this situation?_

"This tomfoolery, t'ain't the way it should be," Shulk ventured to Ganon as none other than Sheik stole Toon Link away from Palutena. "They're bumpin' nasties against their own wills."

"They must will at least some of it," said Cloud, whose eyes were on Lyn as she whipped her hair back and forth while Pikachu took her from behind, standing atop a soapbox. "The Attract and oils wouldn't work otherwise."

"If this is wrong," said Wario, licking his lips as he witnessed Rosalina slide her hands under her pajamas and run up and down her chest while Lucina looked on and scooted on up to her so they could lightly kiss and cuddle, "then I don't want to be right."

"DK's absolutely correct," Luigi said firmly, though he could not take his eyes off Peach as she fingered herself in front of the glass while simultaneously eating out Midna, whose coochie was wrapped around her face. "We need to stop this! It makes a-me very uneasy!"

"The magic only brings out their greatest desires," said Ganon, watching intently as Sheik pulled down her tight pants and allowed Toon Link to violate her ass. Krystal soon joined them, scooting under Sheik so she could kiss and touch her all over while Toon Link probed into the depths of the ninja's dark side.

"How do you know this?" Link queried, nevertheless intrigued by Palutena gently nibbling Zelda's ears as she bent the Princess of Hyrule over before the mirror and took the small bottle of Hylian Love chu jelly from her skirt pocket before ripping the garment off at once, pouring the juices onto her fingers, spreading the princess' labia, and teasing her fingers in and around her entrance. She tightened the belt wrapped around Zelda's neck and brought the princess' face to her own before kissing her, gently at first.

"No," Zelda whined. "No, I'm too embarrassed..."

"Shhhh, dear one," Palutena said gently. "I can go slow for you."

And then she began slapping Zelda's clit with her fingertips.

"AHHHHH!" Zelda moaned and groaned as Palutena bent her over completely. "I thought... you said you were... gonna go slow..."

"Goddesses lie all the time. Hmmm, something's missing... OH! PIT! Fetch my strap-on!"

"Milady!" Pit exclaimed from across the room, removing his hand from Dark Pit's dick.

Link recoiled in shock at what he was seeing, so much so that he barely had the composure to process the fact that Palutena was about to penetrate his girlfriend.

"My, my, " Palutena observed. "So _those _are your deepest desires...?"

"Wait, WHAT?!" Pit replied, as if he'd just come to his senses. He covered his dick in shame and whipped around to see Dark Pit lighting up a cigarette and winking. "But... but... I'm not..."

"Nick Jonas," muttered Zelda.

"GAAAHHH!"

Pit came right then and there, splooging all over his toga, the curtains, and Zelda's ears, while the uber-sexy vocals to "Jealous" echoed around in his mostly empty skull.

"Point proven," Palutena said with a sigh, all the while fondling Zelda's now-enlarged areolas. "Now come out of the closet, look in the mirror, and own what you see, anal warts and all."

"Y-y-yes, m'lady," replied Pit as he gazed upon Zelda's blushing face. The Hylian princess turned away in shame as Palutena proceeded to knead her huge tits.

"But first things first - that mess won't do," Palutena said sternly, then commanded her angel to lick his jism up once he returned with her strap-on. It took all of Pit's willpower to tear away, as it was tough to resist watching Palutena return to finger-fucking Zelda. Before long the former was sticking little Sharpies up the latter's bunghole.

This was enough to overcome Link's fears and inhibitions.

"What the fuck am I doing here?" Link exclaimed. "Hang onto my tights, Ganon! I'm a-goin' in hot!"

"Can't say that's something ya hear every day," Little Mac said as an aside to Captain Falcon, who was too busy watching the nevertheless slow progress of Rosalina and Lucina's light kissing as it evolved to licking each others' tongues, then light hugs and petting through their thin cotton clothes.

"All right!" boomed Ganon. "Link and Ryu, get in there! Kirby and Meta-Knight, swap out!"

Kirby and Meta-Knight both required Ryu's full strength to yank them off each of Bayonetta's wet, swollen tits.

"Lay some skin on me, Ganon!" Link exclaimed, and the two high-fived. "Booya!"

Ganon watched with pride as his blonde buddy stripped off his clothes and strolled into the room, crossing his arms as he approached both Zelda and Palutena in the midst of their womanly coitus.

"WELL! Excuuuuuse me, princess!" Link exclaimed in faux-astonishment.

"No! Linkie!" Zelda squealed and pulled the tattered remains of her garment over herself to hide her act of infidelity from her lover. "This... this isn't what it looks like!"

"You're right," Link said sternly. "This has just become a threesome!"

Whereupon Palutena slapped Link in the face, then without another word, pushed Zelda's head over her lover's diligently hard dick.

"Suck it," she commanded the princess as she massaged the area inside Zelda's vagina just below the clit, all the while running circles over the love button itself. "Suck it _dry_."

Link's eyes rolled back into his skull as Zelda willingly throat-fucked his cock, taking it deep and fast.

Overcome with lust, Zelda complied and before long, Pit returned with the double-sided strap-on and quickly buckled the Goddess into it. The green-haired deity entered swiftly, and mercilessly pounded Zelda's insides as if they were a pot of potatoes to be mashed.

"Faster, baby!" Link requested as Zelda let him fuck her mouth with rough strokes whilst she was being simultaneously filled with Palutena's rubber cock.

Upon seeing that Zelda was having a hard time multi-tasking, Palutena graciously slowed her thrusts to 'Gentle Sex' levels.

Zelda kept herself from gagging by gripping the base of his shaft and helping him on. She looked deeply into his eyes whilst stroking his man-meat, begging for his seed.

_Let me finish you off, _she communicated to him.

Zelda slowed it down, let him have just a bit of teeth, and ran her tongue along the shaft like a serpent.

Link finally exploded straight down his beloved's throat. Zelda coughed and gagged and finally began swallowing as much as she could in spurts. Link snowballed the rest with her.

"I didn't give you permission to come!" Palutena growled at Link, then pushed him onto his back.

Link's head slammed into the floor, though it barely fazed him, as he experienced much worse on a daily basis during beta-testing sessions.

Palutena withdrew a Chocobo-core oaken wand from her anal cavity and pointed it at Link's crotch.

"Dickto Erecto!"

"YAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

The color drained from Link's face as the blood flow to his penis reached dangerous levels.

Zelda's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as she watched her lover's penis become more engorged by the second. He nearly passed out from blood loss to his brain as Palutena undid her strap-on and climbed atop him, riding Link cowgirl-style. The princess had never once let her lover be inside of another woman.

"NO!" Zelda mumbled. "This can't be!"

"You're right," Palutena conceded. "We mustn't neglect your desires, darling."

The part of Zelda screaming aloud that this was wrong was silenced, however, by her body, which instinctively maneuvered itself into position so that Link was eating her pussy whilst Palutena pressed up against her chest and lips.

The Goddess grabbed Zelda's breasts, hard, and pierced her mouth with her tantalizing tongue action. She ran her fingers over Zelda's delicate elfin ears as she steadied the princess' rhythm over Link's mouth to match Palutena's over his cock, all the while using her free hand to pump Zelda's ass with the three Sharpies, burying them so deep the caps popped off inside her.

Zelda's inhibitions proved powerless against Palutena's perverse plans and she ended up bucking her torso against the Goddess, and her dripping mound against the Hero, until she brought herself to an ultimate climax, one at a level of intensity she had never before dreamed of. It hit Zelda with the force of a supernova in her uterus and all of reality seemed to fade and distort and pulse until she no longer recognized herself.

"Good," Palutena said, as if to obedient pets, and they continued in this way until Zelda climaxed, which didn't take long.

"Now let us switch positions."

As for Link, the Hylian Hero felt himself be swallowed into the pheromone-laced fever dream that had ensnared everyone in the whole room, but he did not struggle against it. On the contrary, he had never felt freer, never felt this comfortable. His naked self was bare before all of his best friends, and everyone was expressing every buried carnal desire all at once. It was simply too much to take in.

What wasn't too much to take in, however, was Linkie's willie, since Palutena was happily riding its total seven-and-a-half-inch length up and down, bobbing upon it at ridiculous speeds while Zelda perched on Link's face, giving Palutena full control over her royal jugs.

"I don't know how much more... I can take..." Zelda moaned, finally regaining a semblance of her self. "I'll be... all used up... before we all reach Creator-Realization."

"Nonsense," said Palutena. "You're a program, you can't be used up. That well of energy gets refreshed with each RAM cycle."

But Zelda could not be swayed or really talked to, for she was too deeply in the throes of pleasure thanks to her dual companions. Having let go of all her inhibitions, Zelda was practically glowing as she moaned and whimpered. It was incredibly hot and even Mr. Game and Watch, who was fucking Sheik, couldn't help but take notice.

* * *

**VI. Love On The Rocks With No Ice**

Meanwhile...

While Pikachu took a moment to recharge his batteries, Bowser sidled on over to Lyn, who was recovering from a very intense orgasm, got onto his knees in front of her, and began to eat her out.

Robin was sitting on one of the La-Z-Boy recliners letting Robyn ride him reverse cowgirl-style while she sucked off and jerked-off Cloud and Roy, alternately.

Mega Man was having the time of his fucking life. Capcom's finest was standing with his arms on his hips, letting his hyper-sonic cock do all the work as it pounded Princess Peach into the next console cycle.

The android redirected all his pleasure sensor RAM to his cock, so he could not only experience feedback from his hyper-sensitive tool, but adjust its jackhammering on the fly. Mega Man might have been disappointed that he didn't need any other advanced techniques to give Peach the ultimate pleasure if only the sensations of her inner lips and the delights of her delicious scent and overpowering presence didn't feel so goddamn heavenly.

"Damn!" Peach said. "They should... mass market your dick... fuck, it's so good..."

She wrapped her fleshy, pink, soft, organic body around his cold, hard, metal exterior. Sparks flew between them as her juices nearly shorted his ion discharge ports and his oversized anime eyes welled with tears of ultimate joy as she called out his name over and over again.

"Mega Man... Mega Man... you really do live up to the name..."

The Blue Bomber buried his business balls-deep into the blonde bimbo, basking in the ballooning bubble of sweat and pheromones that had engulfed the basement. With his stubby fingertips, he created sparks against Peach's hard, pink nipples, lighting her up like that firework rocket those Jackass geniuses strapped to Johnny Knoxville's dick. Every strand of her hair stood on end as he shifted his cock into Overdrive.

"AHH! I'm electrified!" Peach pouted as she spasmed from the excessive voltage coursing through her.

Not too far away, Rush was panting violently as he watched the scene. Of course, none other than Isabella snuck up to the robotic pooch and began touching his mechanical junk, but there's no need to get into that.

"FASTER!" the Princess demanded.

Mega Man complied, closed his eyes, and focused all the power of his infinite core into giving Peach the dicking she so very well deserved.

With her android lover's eyes closed, Peach followed suit, letting the waves of ecstasy guide her through orgasm after orgasm.

_Fuck... this reminds me of the early days with Mario... what happened to us?_

Just then, she felt a familiar mustache tickle her soft, luscious lips.

Peach was taken aback as she opened her eyes to see a very naked Mario, stroking her delicate face with one giant hand and fondling both of her titties with the other. She was taken aback at first, and didn't even want to look at him.

"M-M-Mario?" Mega Man said at last, noticing his old NES buddy interfering with his moment of glory.

"Yeah! Who... who gave you permission...?" she huffed.

"I just a-want to make it up to you..." he pleaded. "I want a-to make you feel good..."

"Then wait your turn!" Peach protested, but her old lover didn't need to wait long, since Peach suddenly used her patented vaginal muscle contraction technique and squeezed Mega Man's member for all it was worth.

"S-S-S-SUUUPER FIGHTING ROOOBOOOOOT!" Mega Man exclaimed as their vision turned white, both because of dramatic fades, and also because of the greasy robo-semen erupting from him and spraying both Mario's and Peach's faces for a good twenty seconds or so, before Mario had the foresight to whip out his cape and cover Mega Man's member with it.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Keep a-that thing a safe distance!"

"Sorry," Mega Man managed to mumble before plopping onto the floor and going into Low Power Mode.

"How cute!" giggled Robyn as she stroked both Roy and Cloud to their inevitable climaxes even as she was sitting on Robin's cock. "Now shoot it on my face! Cover these cute li'l cheeks with your cum! YEAH!"

Cloud held himself back from climaxing, since Robyn's technique was most excellent. He wondered what Tifa and Aerith would say if they could see this. They'd probably call him a cheating dirtbag, but at the end of the day, they'd forgive him, like always.

"Egad! This is too much! I'm fit to burst!" cried Roy.

"Don't let any get on me!" Robin requested of him, one of his eyes turned to Bowser as he was now lightly biting and heavily petting Lyn.

Robyn lightly bit Roy's cock, prompting him to bury it as deep as he could down her throat. She gagged on his spurting seed. A small drop of it slipped from her mouth and Robin watched, terrified, in seeming slow-motion, as the droplet was set to land on Robin's nuts.

"AIIIEEEEE!" Robin shrieked, and tried to escape the falling glob by tossing his selfcestuous lover off him, but it was too late. Roy's M&amp;M-sized smattering of digital spermatozoa landed on his sack and splattered all over his shaft.

"OWW!" screamed Robyn as her skull knocked against Roy's.

"Get it off me!" exclaimed Robin, who dashed out of the room. "I'M RUINED! RUIIINNED"

"NEXT!" Ganondorf called out as King Dedede happily took his turn in the queue. He dragged Mega Man out by his legs into the airlock and closed the door behind him, nearly crushing Captain Falcon, who had just swapped out with the now-exhausted Toon Link and squeezed through at the last millisecond, as he did with so many first-place finishes.

"Sorry, bruv," Dedede said.

"Don't mention it," said the Captain. "You got a target?"

King Dedede noticed that Captain Falcon was looking straight at Rosalina, and did not want to take from his good buddy the pleasure of deflowering that budding beauty.

"There's a leggy, black-haired Witch I've got in mind," said Dedede, and with that understanding, the two fist-bumped and went their separate ways.

But back to Peach and Mario for a moment. The Italian Stallion, who (much like he was with the _Mindfucker_) was somehow mostly immune to the effects of the concentrated Attract gas, laid down and cuddled with her to help the princess ride out her orgasm.

"What the hey is going on here, Mario?" she asked, flushing crimson. "I just came, but I... I want more... I haven't been this insanely horny in years... it's like, there's some deep, deep primal thing, just... egging me on..."

"I feel it too," said he, slinking down to her nether regions with his large sausage nose, bushy 'stache, and wet and willing lips. He spoke to her softly as he licked and fingered her regal vajayjay, ever so tenderly.

"And a-now that I'm a-quit drinking, it's a-like... everything is so clear... I don't feel a need to run away anymore. From you, or a-myself, or from work... I'm sorry, baby... I'm so so sorry for all of-a the pain I've a-caused..."

"Oh, Mario..." she stroked his chubby face. "That's all I ever wanted to hear..."

"And I'm not a-bouncing back this time," he said, his mustache now dripping with his lover's juices. "I want-a to be there for a-you. I want a-to support everything... you and Samus... and... anyone else..."

Peach squirmed. "Ah! How could you... how did you know...?"

"In the hot air balloon," Mario continued in between licking and nibbling on her junk. "The way you looked at one another. It was un-a-mistakable."

"But you... you don't mind sharing me?"

Mario pulled off his gloves and stuck a stubby index finger up Peach's butthole. She returned the favor by unzipping him and drawing her soft, tiny hands around his thick babymaker.

"Sometimes I can a-be hellish, and still get jealous, but you're so sexy, beautiful... I... look, it doesn't a-matter if it's a-me or not. I just a-want you to be happy. And I can't act a-like I own a-you. No. Such a beautiful and caring soul should not be... limited... in its expressions of love..."

"OH! Oh, Mario!" Peach moaned in ecstasy as he continued to warm her up. "YES! I don't mind sharing you either!"

The main event was soon underway. Peach lay eagerly, wrapping her legs around his back. The plumber mounted his woman, expertly lining up his now-fully-erect mushroom-head-shaped pecker against her puckering pussy lips.

He sheathed into his lover slowly, methodically, patiently. Peach pulled off his hat and ran her fingers through his tousled hair. Mario coursed his shaft in and out like ocean waves on a full moon washing into the Cliffs of Dover, slamming against her inner walls with a forceful fury, then receding into tender, tantalizing gentleness as he drew out from her, then back in again. He fucked her softly, then hard, then passionately, his every movement recalling to her one of their most glorious sexual escapades.

The Nintendo 64 launch party, where the jagged edges of their flesh-colored polygons rubbed and screeched and ghosted against one another.

Behind the scenes on _Mario Party 2_, when they played the adult version of "Lights Out".

The days of their _Super Mario Sunshine_ orgies, filled with drugs and sex and perversions galore. He and Luigi would double-team her in every possible manner.

In the female shower room in the development building for _Super Smash Bros. Melee_, where Mario pushed her onto the floor, squeezed a whole tube of conditioner up her butt, and fucked her raw while the steam showers ran over them.

Or perhaps behind the bleachers in _Mario Kart 8_'s Wario Stadium, where Mario had used his cape to blindfold Peach and held her at waist level, pressed up against a column, while he tore a hole into her bike jumpsuit and fucked her insides into pieces.

Every last happy, lustful, hopeful memory ran through Peach's mind, and she allowed herself to experience a feeling of acceptance and optimism that she hadn't allowed herself to acknowledge in ages upon ages.

"Will a-you have me again?" he pleaded. "Will a-you forgive me?"

"Of course," she moaned, biting his oversized ear as she whispered the words. "Now fuck me senseless, Mario. Fuck me until you've got nothing left!"

_Could it be true this time?_ she wondered. _Has he really resolved to put down that bottle? Old habits die hard. But we've never fought as hard as this, never had so much on the line, never been pushed to our limits this far in so short of a time period. And this confidence! Where is coming from?! He's a whole new man, now!_

Peach cried tears of joy as she came over and over. Normal old missionary, and here he was taking her all the way to the edge of bliss and back. He, the one who was meant for her all along. He, whose darkest sides she'd seen, and weathered, and often hated... he accepted her as she was. He supported her bisexuality, her promiscuity, her unfaithfulness. He just wanted her to be happy.

This point was further emphasized when Samus actually came on over and kissed her, full-on the mouth. Not a word passed between the three, and yet their looks of ultimate lust and satisfaction were enough to convey their carnal desires.

Mario spanked Samus' ass, and the bounty hunter switched positions. She got on her knees, positioned Mario behind her, then mounted Peach, grinding her thigh up against the princess'. Samus reached behind her and fondled Mario's nuts with one hand, then fingered Peach with the other, pushing their boobs together as the girls made out hardcore.

"You belong to both of us now, princess," Samus said in a sultry manner.

"No, this can't be real. It's too good to be real," Peach cried aloud. "I don't ever want to wake up!"

"Then don't," said Solid Snake, who was now watching intently while fluffing himself to full mast. "Got room for one more?"

"Always," Mario replied, and let Snake whip out his own fleshy assault weapon, which was eagerly attended to by Samus' silky hands and slobbering mouth.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Peach spread Snake's asshole and gave him a rim job while fondling his testes.

"**!"** Snake exclaimed.

Mario and him exchanged fist bumps, then simultaneously turned to see the origin of a very loud "BANANA SLAMMA!"

It was DK, balls-deep into the Wii Fit Trainer, yelling the dumb catchphrase for all it was worth as Diddy double-teamed their Yoga instructor by humping her mouth while making those annoying chimp noises.

Unable to resist uttering her motivational phrases, the Wii Fit Trainer was mumbling stuff about feeling the burn even as Diddy's cock filled her weird lips.

For some contrast, let's visit Lucina and Shulk, who had been holding hands and kissing in the corner for several minutes now. Shulk's kissing soon became more prominent and forceful, and she felt a need to pull away and think.

"I'm so nervous," she told him, knees pushed against her own chest. "The Internet says that a girl's first time can be really painful. That it can mentally scar you if things go wrong."

"That may be so, love," he replied after some careful thought. "But if experience has taught me anything, it's that you can't have a second or even a third time if you don't have a first."

Lucina nodded, recognizing this fact. She knew this was a cage of her own making. An excuse to not try something new. Who was she going to save herself for? Unlike humans, their digital existences could never really reproduce and marry. There were no such things as incurable virtual diseases – well, at least none known ones that could be created from having two programs – essentially data-based functions – have sex.

Perhaps this was whatever was causing everyone to want to fuck one another senselessly talking, and not her brain, but wasn't it true that having no matter meant that, well, nothing they could do really _mattered_..._?_ Not to mention, Shulk was just so _nice_. Could she really be traumatized by such an experience as sharing her body with him?

_Permanent impermanence. Then again, aren't humans just basically functions, too? Aren't they just strings of genetic code operating on their own programming? 'Solid matter' is an illusion that breaks down at levels invisible to the naked eye, and yet... they can hurt and be hurt. They are capable of killing each other and their planet at hitherto unimaginable levels... wait, what is that that feels so good...? It's... ahhh..._

While Lucina was deep in thought, Shulk was giving her a very thorough back massage. She touched Shulk on the cheek. He checked her expression and she nodded in adventurous agreement. Allowed Shulk to continue to touch and kiss her.

"I don't want to do anything you don't want to do," he informed her.

"I don't care," Lucina replied as she grabbed one of his hands and placed it upon his breast, shocking him. "I want it all. I want to understand the full spectrum of sexual experience."

"Amen to that!" Shulk replied, and helped her to take her armor off.

She took off his shorts and was astonished to see his six-and-a-quarter-inch dick pop to attention. Lucina brushed her hair back and tied it to keep it from interfering as he gave her butterfly kisses on her cheek with his eyelashes and tickled her under the ribs to defuse a bit of the growing tension.

Now that the first phase of the battle was over and his enemy was in position, Shulk quickly formulated his battle plans. In doing so, by the power of the Monado, he saw the slow-but-sure progression of their lovemaking over the next few minutes.

He'd begin first with his Petting Arts, having her sit on his lap and slowly touching her erogenous areas, not directly, but just a bit off to the side, to get her as excited as possible without being overly perverted.

"Oh, Shulkie!" Lucina would mutter as she shuddered at his hovering and touching and even breathing over her body parts, torn between her own noble purity and perverseness.

Next, he'd go into Buster Arts, having her sit on a beanbag in front of him so he could touch her cunt directly, first with his hands, and then with his mouth.

"It's too much! Ahh!" she'd moan. "Slow down..."

Then they'd swap positions and he would switch to his Defensive Arts, fending off her impulses and requesting that she stroke him to full mast as she whimpered and begged for more stimulation.

"Do you... do you mean like this?" Lucina would ask, moving her hand up his shaft from base to tip, being gentle around the head, just like he instructed her.

"Yeah," he'd reply. "And lick and suck on the tip. Just like them," he continued, gesturing at Krystal as she jacked and sucked off Mr. Game and Watch.

"Um, okay," she said, and looked up at him with the cutest eyes whilst engulfing Shulk's lower head into her mouth as she stroked the shaft and licked all over it, lashing its length with her warm tongue, using her saliva to lubricate him. "Like this?"

"Yes, very good," he said. Though he'd only done it a few times before, he could tell this girl was a natural. He helped her on by grabbing her permanently-small breasts with his hands and letting her nipples run between his fingers as he kneaded them.

Next, Shulk would have her lay on a foam mat on the floor. He'd return to his Buster Arts and tease her hole and surrounding area with his trouser snake. He'd slap her clit, slide against it, bite her nipples. Then when she just couldn't take anymore, he'd inch himself into her, bit by bit, piece by piece, until he popped her cherry.

"Are you sure it doesn't hurt?" he asked as he was nearing two inches into her.

"Just push it in!" she yelled, scared and whimpering but wanting so desperately to be filled all the way with his fun-giving cock. "Give me the whole thing!"

"As you wish, miss Lucina!" Shulk replied, then shoved it all in there at once.

"AIIIEEE!" she felt the hymen break, the bleeding, the muscles tightening, and finally, the relief. He held her softly and stroked her blue hair.

Lucina breathed deeply and fully as she grabbed her lover by the chin and made out with him furiously. Suddenly, all the fear and worry and apprehension faded away as she gave herself fully to her own lust.

"Yes! Yes, Shulkie Wulkie! Fuck, it feels so good inside me! Yes! Go! Ahhh, it hurts so good!"

"Your wish is my command, milady!" Shulk replied, his oversized anime eyes beaming with excitement and relish as he lengthened his strokes and bent fully over the girl. He clutched the back of her head lovingly as he pounded her insides with all the fury of a fiery warlord.

"Ahh! Yes! Yes! Yes!" was all she was capable of squealing as he took her to the edge of climax.

"Come for me, Lucina!"

"H-how do I do that?"

"Let go of everything!" he whispered in her ear, then bit that ear as he grabbed her small titties, hard, pinching her nipples between his index fingers and thumbs.

Both sexual combatants felt the explosion coming in waves long before it actually hit. Lucina squirmed and writhed as it came, squirting her hot, wet, inner juices all over Shulk's invading dick.

"OHHH!" she wailed at top volume, deafening him. "Come for me, too!"

"Almost there!" Shulk replied, and he was. He finally allowed himself to finish, for he'd been holding himself back for some time now, and put his cock in her, pushed as far as he could go. For all this, there's only one thing he did know: they tried so hard, and fucked so long, and in the end, everything they did to each other mattered.

"Holy shit," Lucina said at last as the two were lying side by side, gazing into each others' eyes. "The Internet did _not _prepare me for this."

"Me neither," said Shulk, and he stroked her cheek and smiled at her with glee. "You're amazing, Lucina."

"NO U," she said, echoing a meme she saw earlier that day and almost totally killing the mood.

* * *

**VII. Fucking In Heaven**

Not too far away from this scene, Mach Rider looked on, more than a little hurt and betrayed, as Rosalina climbed atop her very own Captain Falcon and ground against him as if he were a mechanical bull. Since she was still in her hardly-revealing pajamas, it took a bit of finesse for the _F-Zero_ driver to finagle her panties off and warm up her engines.

"Ah! I don't know if it will fit!" Rosalina said worriedly.

"Don't worry," he told her, stroking her long hair back behind her ears. "It's one-size-fits-all. The, uh, lady parts, expand to fit any number of member sizes."

The galactic giantess bit her lower lip and nodded shyly as she slowly lowered herself onto his throbbing cock. She didn't make it quite over the head before feeling incredibly nervous and resorting to a mess of blushes and shivers.

"Hey, it's all right," he said. "There's no rush. None at all."

It would take some careful handiwork to lube her up and give her a proper, high-octane dicking, but Captain Falcon was more than willing to put in the study required to achieve such a result. He removed his gloves and gently touched her all over to find her most erogenous spots. In this, he wasn't having much success, at least not until another random pair of hands entered the scene and helped him out with the task.

"Huh?" exclaimed Captain Falcon before recognizing the hands as belonging to his very own ex, Mach Rider, who was already fully naked and not at all afraid.

She scoffed in his face. "Have you forgotten how to treat a woman?" she asked, pushing him aside and mounting Rosalina of her own accord.

Captain Falcon watched, dumbfounded, as Mach Rider stroked those pussy lips and licked Rosalina's sizeable jugs with unrestrained fervor and lust. She stole occasional glances at him, as if to say, _'look at what you're missing, flyboy!'_

Whatever she was doing, it was working, since he could no longer control himself and very soon afterwards had to make the ultimate choice, which is the choice men have started wars over: picking between the tall blonde and a crazy redhead.

"No need to pick just one," said Ike, who was standing naked beside Captain Falcon, fully erect and primed to go. "We can take turns."

"Good man," Falcon replied, and they fist-bumped and played a round of paper-scissors-rock to decide who got who.

It was quickly determined that Ike would pound Mach Rider first, while Captain Falcon would take on Rosalina. Mach Rider would be on her back, on the floor, being fucked in missionary, while Rosalina would be directly on top of her, and both women would be taken so that they could piddle each other's beans while being fucked.

Mach Rider derived a ridiculous amount of pleasure in being able to eat out Rosalina whilst being pounded hard by the Hero of Blue Flames, all the while being aware that her beloved Captain Falcon was being pleasured at the same time.

Captain Falcon, for his part, was simply trying not to hurt poor Rosalina, but his efforts were not entirely necessary. It was true that for the inexperienced Rosalina, this proved to be too much stimulation to take at once, but, aided both by the Attract moves and the cocaine she had earlier inhaled, she relished the sensuous sensations enveloping her and gave herself entirely to them. There was no point in withholding an indulgence in every pleasure their senses could afford. Not here, not now, and not for anything.

"You good?" he asked the Mother of Lumas.

"UGGHHHH! HARDER!" Rosalina roared. "Fuck me harder, goddamnit!"

"Your wish is my command. FAAAALLLLCCOOOOOON FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!" The Captain cried aloud as he grabbed a can of WD-40 from Chibi-Robo and squirted it all over his junk.

"YEAAAAHHHH!" the Announcer announced. "You've got BOOST POWER!"

His thrusts reached several hundred horsepower in strength and speed and Chibi-Robo quickly began to play the guitar solo from the _Mute City_ track to motivate him to reach his max speed.

She wailed over and over again for him to go faster. His head snapped back from the sheer G-force and Chibi-Robo, also excited by the event, squirted some oil of his own all over Rosalina's nethers to help them along.

"I'm gonna pretend that's not your semen," mumbled Captain Falcon as, in the middle of fucking this woman senseless, he nearly exploded from internal human combustion.

"AIIIEEE!" Mach Rider moaned as Ike made her finish, then withdrew his mighty cock, grabbed her by the neck, spat on his dick, and with very little further fanfare, shoved it, inch by inch, up the tight tunnel of her asshole.

Mach Rider immediately yelled aloud as he penetrated her behind, but her pain was soon helped by waves of pleasure as, at Captain Falcon's prodding, Rosalina dutifully slurped up the semen that was now leaking from her destroyed cunt.

"Mmmmm," said Rosa. "It's kinda salty."

"But it's... good for you," said Mach Rider, nearly biting her lower lip off as she took another inch of Ike's length up her rectum. "It's... got a lot of protein..."

"Now ain't that a glorious sight?" Snake asked Samus, gesturing towards the aforementioned foursome as he let her ride him atop one of the La-Z-Boy recliners in the center of the room.

Samus laughed and let her jugs fly in his face like two big balloons in a whirlwind as she rocked him like a hurricane. "I'm just glad they're having a good time. Aren't you, Ike?"

"I FUCK FOR MY FRIENDS!" Ike regaled. "WITH MY FRIENDS!"

"That's nice, buddy," said Snake, who rubbed his stubble against Samus' neck and bit her ear.

"INCOMING!" Bowser wailed, and the two turned from seeing him pull out of Lyn to holding his cock in front of Samus' mouth. "Will you do the honors?!"

"Gladly," Samus replied, and dutifully opened her trap to take in Bowser's bestial boner and let him bust a boffo bunch of his babies down her throat. She bobbed her head up and down to slurp up every last drop, then licked her luscious lips and winked as he collapsed onto his back in ecstasy.

"Quick thinking there," Snake complimented her.

"I did it for your benefit," Samus said with a wink. "Peach told me his cum is fiery; she used to suck it on purpose to get herself even hotter than usual in bed."

"HUH! That's my woman!" said Snake with a sparkle in his eye.

"Wow, what a fascinating tidbit!" Otacon chimed in from the codec. "Maybe I should suck his dick one of these nights."

"Otacon, I swear, if you kill my boner right now, I will kidnap your sister and make you watch as Vamp murders her, then desecrates her corpse!"

"Easy, man!" Otacon whined. "I was just tryin' ta, you know, have a moment..."

"Then go into a locker and jack off to the lingerie poster inside, or piss all over yourself, or get rejected by Sniper Wolf, I don't care! Just get your creepy ass outta my power fantasy!"

This was about the time that Pikachu and Jigglypuff started getting it on. The former furiously fisted the latter while she writhed and wriggled against his patented Electric Elbow.

"JIGGALLY!" (It hurts!) Jigglypuff squirmed as he pulled out his right fist and shoved his left in, then repeated the motion in rapid succession. The pink balloon-like Pokemon farted up a storm as he pummeled her hole into a swelling mess of jelly.

"PIKAAA!" (Quit movin' around so much!) screamed Pikachu.

Lucina was lying on her back on a desk, now, her perfect ass just dangling off the edge of the mahogany, her legs lifted in the air, resting on Shulk's shoulders as he drew himself in and out of her. She was a being of pure carnal bliss now, her mental state flooded with a glowing inner light reflecting the joy of all existence.

Not too far away, Bowser, who had quickly hardened once more, wasted no time in entering Wendy Koopa, being as gentle as he could with his ribbed, spiky penis. The Koopaling winced and groaned and cried his name aloud, again and again.

Mel, meanwhile, was seated on a couch, looking into the one-way mirror at her own naked body. She had had a hell of a time convincing herself that being a hermaphrodite wasn't all that bad.

"Would you like to change yourself to be one gender or the next?" Lady Fi, who was covered in all sorts of semen, asked her. "It would only take a moment. Since we don't have a Male Villager yet-"

"Uwah!" Melville reacted involuntarily, surprised at his chrome maiden mother's having appeared so suddenly during her intimate moment. "Um, sorry. What I meant... er. I... kind of... that is, I think I can get used to having two tools instead of one."

"Exactly. You have 100% more sex organs than anyone else in the cast. All the more to pleasure yourself with," Lady Fi said before full-on mouth-kissing Mel.

"Mmmm!" Mel muttered as Lady Fi's silver tongue cut through her lips and coiled all over the inside of her large, wet mouth.

"Feel it, don't fight it," said Lady Fi as she rubbed her slender knee and calf gently against Melville's now-erect cock and wet and willing womanly vortex.

"It tickles!" said Melville as Lady Fi wrapped her cloth-arms around her stubby little arms and rubbed her slim, lithe body against Mel's chubby, stout one.

"Is this a multi-player session?" asked Toon Link, a little nervously, as he smoked on a cigar.

"Just slot your controller in," said Lady Fi, opening her nether regions to Toon Link, who eagerly fluffed his member, then slid it into her.

Mel was on her back now, watching breathlessly at Toon Link's exaggerated noises whilst enduring Lady Fi's delicate tonguing of her own labia.

"Ah!" Mel moaned. "What are you doing to me?"

"Preparing you for the main course," said Lady Fi, who stood suddenly, lifted Mel's big ass onto the couch, and positioned her on her hands and knees.

"Toon Link, get under her," commanded Lady Fi. "You take the front, I'll set up shop in her ass."

"Oh! My... my poop region?" Mel yelled. "But- WHOA!"

Mel's protests came to an end as Mother CAST nuzzled up against her buttocks and slid her cold, electric, metallic tongue up her bunghole.

"Who'th thyer mamma?" Fi asked her.

"Aiiiee!" Mel moaned as Toon Link slid his cock into her and fondled the portion of her torso where her nonexistent tits were hardening. "It's... so weird..."

"You're telling me!" Toon Link replied in between frenzied thrusts.

"Don't stop!" wailed the Wii Fit Trainer. Ryu complied with her wishes and continued to shove his Asian dick into her weird gray pussy.

Ryu was having the time of his life until he felt a weird sensation tickling his balls.

"Wow! What the fuck –" he said, before looking down in utter shock.

None other than that perverted fuck Yoshi was derelicting his sack with his serpentine tongue whilst probing the Fit Trainer's anal cavity.

"Get your own girl!" Ryu chastised him, kicking Yoshi in the plush nose with his stinky bare foot, which was covered in every manner of fungus your friendly neighborhood mycologist can name, and some they couldn't.

"Yoshi!" (Dude! Shower!) Yoshi yelled before wobbling over to the corner of the room to breathe in a paper bag in an effort to keep from puking.

These efforts were wasted momentarily, since the very sight of Sonic slobbering all over Midna's eyeballs had the Yoshisaur blowing chunks over Pac-Man, who inadvertently swallowed and choked on most of it before ejecting it back onto the floor, seeing as how he had been in the midst of climax himself while watching another glorious sight: that of Bayonetta expertly pleasuring both Marth and Roy, being sandwiched between them and gyrating her flexible hips to the music, while Marth flanked her from behind as Roy's forces penetrated her front lines.

Just as everyone in the trio was nearing their climaxes, Bayonetta nearly lost her footing on Pac-Man's vomit; the Lords' balls accidentally slammed into one another with the force of 700 Joules and both of them pulled out, spurted their loads all over the Umbran Witch, and collapsed onto the floor, clutching their gonads in abject pain.

"Not bad for such an inexperienced duo," she said, and reached into her breast pocket to whip out a lollipop when she realized she was out.

Just as the slightest hint of disappointment crept across her face, who else should show up but King Dedede, holding a large purple lollipop to satisfy her ever-craving lips.

"My, how charming," she complimented the monarch, then swiftly recalled the rapport and good times they shared on the Battlefields and Final Destinations and Halberds of not too long ago.

"Would you care to waltz with a witch?"

"If by waltz you mean get nasty with, then hell to the yes!"

"Good, because I never take no for an answer," she said and winked at him slyly.

The King was rolled onto his back, like the lower part of a snowman. Cereza mounted him by spreading her legs on either side and lowering herself onto his already plump pecker.

"Dat's what I'm talkin' 'bout!" moaned Dedede as her super-tight vaginal muscles squeezed him while she rode his length via some very extreme squat-splits.

It was incredibly wet in that little box of hers, and he was left absolutely breathless, unable to do much against her splendid technique other than slap that tight ass with his giant mittens.

"Naughty boy!" Bayonetta bleated as he ran his hands all over her perfectly sculpted character model.

"Hammer time, baby!" Dedede declared as he thrust up into her, filling that hallowed hoo-hah with all the brute force and professionalism of Denzel Washington's performance in "Training Day".

"Sheeeyit, you tighter than the stick up Kanye's ass, honey!" Dedede declared.

"Au contraire," she replied, not a drop of sweat pouring down her body. "You're incredibly large down there, for a white boy."

"WHITE BOY?!" Dedede yelled exactly in the manner of that YouTube video of that Angry Black Man prank calling himself. "We been through dis! I'm blacker than the darkest night! I'm more African than the ring-tailed lemur! I got more soul than a lovechild conceived in an orgy between James Brown, Nina Simone, Ray Charles, and Macy Gray! My life matters, woman!"

"Easy, tiger. Next you're gonna start reciting rap lyrics. Switch!"

Bayonetta twirled her legs around the rotund regal in much the same way that an undersexed Olympic gymnast might wrangle an attractive Yoga ball.

She had him push her up against the mirror, stretching one leg up on his shoulder and using the other to prop herself up off the floor. Being deep inside her, he found it impossible to resist rocking against her as she continued to ride him, rubbing his humongous belly against her clit like a rolling pin flattening that last piece of dough.

Bayonetta then wrapped her hair around him and pushed his girth up into her, deep as it would go.

It wasn't long before the large one was screaming, "Aw, shit! Aw, shit! Damn, you's a hot momma!" and other such expletives, which probably meant that he was close to his finishing move.

Bayonetta, however, was still far from her Umbran Climax and opted to squeeze his bent bird-cock with her Weaves just long enough to pull him out of her and smack his rocket like a Slap-Chop, hard, against her clitoral hood.

"You like that, don't you, you dirty bastard? OHHH yeah!"

"AYYYYYYY LMAO!" King Dedede exclaimed, since he was at a loss for words at the painful sensation now welling through his swollen, pink, and very sensitive lower head, which he once called "Charlie" until the "Charlie the Unicorn" videos made him regret that decision. And now you and I both know way too much about King Dedede's dick.

"AHHH!" Cereza cried aloud as the incessant slapping had her insides finally erupting.

With his cock still tied up in her weaves, Bayonetta rode the first few seconds of her orgasm before snapping back to her senses and shoving its length back inside of her now dripping-wet fuckhole.

"You've gotta make it rain!" Bayonetta commanded, then began a countdown. "On the count of three... one... two..."

"WAAAAARRRGGGGG!" King Dedede cried as she released the grip on his shaft. He felt the blood rushing to his lower head, and the ribbed sensation of her cervical walls milked his rod to its zenith. He came like a beast, over and over, filling her insides up with so much semen she could swear her belly was expanding.

* * *

**VIII. All Your Base Are Belong To Us**

Just outside the chamber, Travis Touchdown timed his orgasm to match. "It's fucking distracting! Ohhhh goooood!"

Shrek and Rayman, having seen that his incessant reciting of annoying memes had finally come to an end, decided after all not to kill him right then and there. Though non-Smashers and non-Assist Trophies were unable to join in on the fun, they weren't wholly forgotten.

Ganondorf had paid them each a good sum to kill, maim, or otherwise discourage any Camera Lakitus from videotaping this orgy. He had also employed both Chibi-Robo and the primary CENTINELs from _The Wonderful 101_ to sneakily film the acts taking place in the room by remotely controlling small hidden cameras strewn about the place, for his spank bank, of course.

It had been a good hour and some change since everyone started this Fuckening, and it was at least three minutes since they had any more additions to the pile of dead Camera Lakitus in the vestibule.

"Do ye mind if I go over to the corner and jerk it for a second?" Shrek asked Rayman.

"Eh, I wouldn't feel safe bein' all alone here."

"You just wanna watch me, don'tcha? Wanna see what kinda heat I'm packin'?" Shrek teased him with a few friendly elbows.

"Fook that, buddy! Go take care of that libido o' yours, I don't wanna see squat!" Rayman consented, perhaps a bit too eagerly.

He then watched in sadness as even the Duck Hunt Dog, who was furiously humping Isabella, chewing on her ear, and and howling like a wolf, was getting more action than he was.

Ganon was now porking Palutena once more. Right beside them, Link was fucking Zelda relentlessly.

Wario was now lecherously eating out Sheik's butt while jerking himself off.

Ryu was dripping a Chandelure's wax onto the female Wii Fit Trainer, while the Male Trainer jerked off on the side.

Fi was now fucking Olimar, her arms wrapped around his eyes like a blindfold and Pikmin touching her every erogenous zone.

Peach purred and gyrated as Mario took her missionary-style on a mattress, while her head dangled off the back, allowing Luigi to throat-fuck her.

Ike and Captain Falcon switched partners, so that even as Rosalina was riding out her dizzying orgasm, Ike had her sit on his lap while he was seated on a couch. He ran his large, meaty hands up and down her skin and teased her by massaging her thighs and shoulders. Meanwhile, Captain Falcon wasted no time in revving up his engines for the next circuit by dick-slapping the very wet and willing Mach Rider while she fondled his nut-sack.

Even Mel, who had finally accepted being female, was enjoying being double-penetrated by Toon Link and Lucario.

Ms. Pac-Man had snuck into the room and started nibbling on Pac-Man's yellow exterior.

"Missus?!" he exclaimed in disbelief, as they had not been on speaking terms with one another in months. "But... why? What's going on?"

"HMPH! It's... it's not like I care if you got into Smash Bros. and I didn't, or anything! 'Coz... I don't! Now shut up and eat me!" she growled, and the two yellow spheres began to suckle and moan and wakka each other off.

Sonic, Mr. Game and Watch, and Olimar licked and touched a very willing Krystal all over while Lucario took her doggie-style.

And Fox McCloud, who was just coming to, got exasperated upon seeing this and slammed his fist against the airlock repeatedly.

"Let me in! Let me in, goddamn it! Why won't you let me in?!"

"That's what I'd like to know," the voice of an older gentleman echoed from the doorway.

Rayman spun around to match eyes with none other than Taizo Hori (Dig Dug), who at this point owned practically everything in Smash City by virtue of some very lucky high-stakes betting. He was followed by his granddaughter, Jill Dozer, Nathan Drake, Spyro the Dragon, Boba Fett, Leon Kennedy, Deadpool, Alucard, Max Payne, and a whole army of Camera Lakitus, hired NPC henchmen from countless beat-em-ups, Shovel Knight, Smash hopefuls rejected from being Domesticators, and various Miis and Wireframe and Polygon Fighters, who were so lightly packed in the hallway and spiral staircase beyond that little else could be seen beyond this teeming mass of NOPE.

"Um," Rayman began, inching forward and making weird faces so as to distract them from seeing the lovemaking going on beyond the fogged-up windows. "Because we get a really raw deal on media rights with you around?"

"You can't stop the press," said Taizo. "All of the Smashers have gone AWOL and my guys are just curious as to where they've gone."

"I've got a suggestion for ya!" sneered Fox. "Mind yer own beeswax and BUZZ OFF!"

"Big words coming from such a small fry!" Deadpool pulled out a Glock and aimed it at Fox's chest. Fox retaliated by activating his Reflector and holding it on.

"Hey fuckface," Fox said. "Crawl back into your hole and finish jerking off to that unicorn plushie!"

"You gonna bark all day, little doggie, or you gonna bite?" Deadpool quipped, turning on his best impression of Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen) from _Reservoir Dogs_.

"Is there a problem here?" Wonder-Red asked, putting down his own camera and marching up to the new arrivals.

But Taizo noticed the camera right away. "Arri Alexa cameras, eh? I see you're trying to undercut me. Must be some damn good shit going on in there. Now, I'll ask you just once more. Move aside or-"

"OR WHAT?" Doctor Eggman yelled. He, Dr. Light, Dr. Wily, Dr. Derek Stiles, Sora, Crash Bandicoot, Zero _(Megaman X_), Bomberman, Andy from_ Advance Wars_, four Inklings, Adeleine, Klonoa, Vyse, the Witch-King of Angmar, Nancy Kerrigan, and several other minor characters from both the Smash Domesticators and the Brawlers Without Borders stepped out of the DJ booth overlooking the main orgy room.

In the silence that followed, you could have heard a _Dark Souls_ Crystal Lizard approaching.

Instead, they had to settle for the sound of an ogre finishing himself off.

"AAAUUUGHHHH!" Shrek exclaimed before slamming his head into the wall, hard, which is what every ogre does at the moment of orgasm to keep the blood flowing to their head while they recover, so that they don't run out of oxygen (fun fact).

This violent act knocked a light fixture from the ceiling. Since gravity always wins, said fixture, of course, plummeted right onto the head of Jill Dozer, knocking her out.

"BASTARDS!" Taizo Hori screamed, then looked directly at one of the Camera Lakitus while holding up the body of his granddaughter. "LOOK AT WHAT THEY'VE DONE! JUST LOOK! Are you even getting this?!"

"Can we charge now, boss?" Nathan Drake, who was inspecting the idol he stole from Indiana Jones, asked him.

"Oh, right. Yes. CHARGE!" announced Taizo, and another great battle began in the tiny, over-crowded hallway leading towards the room where everyone was fucking senselessly.

Blood was drawn, bricks of every make were smashed into faces, bombs flew everywhere, a Black Knight's torso was peeled off, Fox kicked Spyro's front teeth out, Adeleine was inflated with tubes and then inexplicably blown to bits, Nathan completely failed at snapping Rayman's neck, Rayman retaliated by socking him in the balls so hard he keeled over crying, Eggman got stabbed in the gut by Shovel Knight's shovel, Alucard nearly took Kerrigan's head off, and people were in general suffering really greatly in the names of privacy and the invasive press.

Palutena saw this danger very clearly and knew that the time to act had come, and so did Link.

"HYYEAAAAAHHH!" Link exclaimed as he shot his glorious goo into Zelda's face again. "I think... it's working... I'm seeing... everything spinning 'round..."

"Yes, yes, yes," Palutena said with a sigh. "That's all very well and good, but right now, we gotta make war, not love."

Zelda wiped off the cum, licked it, then spun around to see the carnage going on just outside their doors. "Oh, no, not again."

"Who is it this time?" groaned Ganondorf as Palutena tickled Little Ganon lasciviously. "Bugs Bunny? Guy Fieri? The Teletubbies? No, don't tell me – it's that creep with the giant chin from_ Lazytown_-"

Palutena gently turned his chin towards the carnage as Taizo Hori was inching ever closer to them, leaving a pile of corpses in his wake.

"Fuck!" Ganon exclaimed, his veins all popping at once. "We gotta do something!"

He focused his carnal energies, which had the effect of turning his eyes glowing white. "Everyone! Lend me your energy! I'm going to make a Sexual Spirit Bomb!"

But Palutena grabbed his wrists and pulled them back down to his sides. "Ganon, baby! Wait! Our sexual powers are nearing their zenith... I'm so close... so close to finding the source..."

"What do you need?" Zelda asked, breathless as Link bottomed out within her again and again.

"WE ALL NEED TO COME AT THE SAME TIME!" Palutena wailed.

"YOSHI!" (What the fuck do you think I've been trying to do for the last twenty minutes?!) Yoshi whined as he continued to furiously pump himself, but alas, the pervert had a hard time climaxing in front of so many people. Usually it was something done in the shadows, in the dark, while crying.

Realizing that she needed to get Link to come as fast as possible, Zelda got on her knees, lathered some chu jelly on his member, and milked his rod with her lithe, silky fingers, pumping his shaft in all the right ways while allowing him to face-fuck her. She used her mind-reading powers to get into his head and feel out his every little sensation.

"Let's aim for one minute!" yelled Palutena as she spotted Wolverine fighting on Taizo's side.

"I need more time!" grumbled Bowser, who was letting a very vocal Sheik ride him like a bucking bronco while Wario fucked her mouth with his gnarly old-man unit.

"We gotta make it happen!" yelled Falco. "Like that Parappa guy said, we just gotta believe!"

Suddenly, the Hero of Time had a significant revelation.

"EVERYONE!" Link announced. "SQUEEZE YOUR KEGEL MUSCLES! Stay your orgasms!"

"Hold it all in!" Peach moaned at Mario, tightening her vise-like pussy's grip on his shaft.

"MAMMA MIA!" He bellowed, squirting out a dollop of pre-cum.

Dig Dug and his granddaughter (who recently awoke after being sniped with paint from an Inkling's Splatterscope) were just about halfway done carving through the crowd when a voice yelled out to them.

"Just a cotton-pickin' minute!" whined Mr. Driller, Jill's father. "What's the deal-i-diddly-o, dad! Is this really worth it?!"

"Get outta my way!" Dig Dug yelled, and shoved his son aside. Or he would have, if Mr. Driller hadn't blocked his shovel with his oversized drill.

"Daddy!" Jill grumbled. "You're in the way of our money!"

"Darlin', you an' yer granddaddy've got more moolah than you'll ever be able to spend! What's the point?!"

"The point is, there's always someone RICHER! We're gonna drill to the heavens! Who the hell do-"

But she was interrupted by Andy's wrench, which bounced off Leon Kennedy's head, smacked into her face, and rebounded into Bomberman's leg right when he was in the middle of kicking a bomb at

"AHA!" Palutena exclaimed at last. "I think... I think I've locked on to... to whatever or whoever it is! EVERYONE! Close your eyes and realize that the reality we're living in is not real! It's just an illusion! You all exist in a plane beyond our visible reality! We're not fragments of the Universe! Maintaining the ever-presence of the Creator is just a state of consciousness! The Universe is Within Us!"

"Huh? That wasn't a-sexy at all!" Luigi protested.

"How much longer?!" demanded Captain Falcon, whose ass and balls were so sweaty from fucking Mach Rider at top speed that he was about to blow a fuse and sputter to a stop.

"AH CAN'T STOP EEEEET!" Peppy Hare, who had snuck into the room as was about to finish on Krystal's face, wailed as his proton torpedoes were overheating in their chamber.

"You good, Yoshi?!" Palutena yelled, for she was now attuned enough to sense that everyone else in the room was on the absolute verge of climax.

"I'll make him good!" wailed Birdo, who emerged from the shadows and began sucking on Yoshi's enlarged nose.

"Y-Y-YOOOOOSHIIIII!" (I AIN'T GAY!) Yoshi yelled as the very male Birdo climbed on top of him and reached around to grab his junk. "UWAAAAAWW!" (Don't do this!)

"This is for the good of all mankind, baby," said Birdo as Nintendo's first cross-dressing character shoved Yoshi onto the floor and pegged him from behind violently, immediately tapping Yoshi's prostate.

"Aaaaaaaand NOW!" Palutena exclaimed, and the entire room was a symphony of voices all groaning in absolute ecstasy as everyone on the roster and all the Assist Trophies came all over one another at the exact same time.

Palutena's magic must have been activated, because her eyes glowed pure milky white and she began convulsing like one of those glaucolelic Southern preachers and speaking in tongues, babbling on and on without end. Pulses of energy shot from her body and swept across the room in shockwaves.

Link felt his insides empty out completely. He had never come even nearly this much, though this fact was lost on him, as he was now enraptured by the waves and waves of ecstasy flooding the room. If he had been conscious of his surroundings, he would have seen that everyone was just as lost in their own lust and feeling of oneness as he was, and that all soon fell into writhing and babbling and convulsing, flapping all over the floor like beached Magikarp.

The moaning did not stop for a good few minutes and the chorus of voices boomed and merged into a creepy zombie-like collective.

The giant monolith from _2001: A Space Odyssey _plopped from the Heavens into the middle of the room, nearly crushing the bouncing, twitching bodies of the Duck Hunt Dog and Isabella.

All of the Smashers felt themselves drawn towards the monolith as tiny metal fillings to a magnet, flopping about in their sexual stupor. People touched one another in ways and places that were formerly considered highly private, with no regard for social decorum nor their own personal desires.

Taizo Hori and all of his cronies were unable to resist the call of their bodies. They quit fighting and joined in on the festivities, as did various beings drawn in by various portals, summoned either by invitation (anticipating this possibility, Palutena had been sure to send some out before the night started) or the raw sexual energy of the situation.

Every body was just another meaty, fleshy, wriggling extension of their own libido. The sensual energies drove them all to the absolute edge of lust, towards acts that are difficult to describe because they involved extreme contortions of multiple bodies into a single, desire-driven organism. The creations of CAST, including Mother CAST herself, were as snakes in a mating pit, enthusiastically entwined with each other to the exclusion of no one, not even Fox McCloud.

The Ice Climbers came by from their vacation in mid-2015 and took photos just outside the one-way mirror, then laughed at the awkward, weird, crazy, slithering orgy that just would _not _stop before leaving again to their next holiday destination.

Needless to say, this endless fucking went on for a long-ass time. Time itself vanished as a concept, as did space, as the sexual beings knew nothing else but their own bodies.

The female Diablo from _Diablo III _eventually dropped in. She fucked Nathan Drake until his eyes popped out of their sockets and he evaporated into a puff of smoke. Then she fucked Bomberman until he exploded, sending his guts flying to every corner of the room.

At last, she tried to fuck Lady Fi, a big mistake because Fi melted her from the inside out and made a huge mess on the floor which all the Pikmin gleefully drank up and consequently became Demonic Pikmin.

Due to the sheer processing power required to host this orgy and balance all the individual character interactions between each CAST members, time itself dilated and slowed down.

For almost two full years (yes, that's right, YEARS), this Fuckening went on. The digital ones fucked and they sucked and they fucked some more. Occasionally they would pass out. Then they would wake up and eat food off each others' bodies (this food, of course, was brought in by ROBs and prepared by Cooking Mama). Little by little Eggman's little cleaner bots would clean up the floor so that people didn't start slipping and/or drowning in bodily fluids.

Meanwhile, Masahiro Sakurai and his team of developers were tweaking and rebalancing _Super Smash Bros. for Wii U and 3DS_. They would drop in and check up on the characters from time to time, but to be honest, having them all engaged in non-stop sex really freed up the servers a lot.

Because the 1% were too immersed in their orgies, the rest of Smash City was allowed to lie nearly dormant. The City itself ran at 2% speed, so that each activity took place in extra-slow motion.

Mario's Super Smash Bros. Ballot site crashed under the sheer amount of people voting for Shrek and Goku. And so Masahiro Sakurai simply picked his favorite game character, Bayonetta, and decided on the Corrins just to piss off the portion of the fanbase that was whining about too many _Fire Emblem _characters.

At long last, Bandai-Namco upgraded their servers and time evened out again around July of 2016.

A semblance of consciousness returned to the Goddess Palutena, whose bright white eyes flickered with the energies coursing through her veins.

"O Divine God Almighty," Palutena's disembodied voice echoed around the room, divorced from her body, "You who dwell in the hearts of all living beings, You who have created the infinitesimally precise cosmological constants, You who are equally responsible for all the fucked-up shit in this universe, and for all the not-so-fucked-up shit, too – I ask you on behalf on everyone here... not for your help, not for your understanding, but to allow the barriers inside these individuals that they have set up to shield themselves from Your Grace to be torn down and-"

"GET ON WITH IT!" A loud, sarcastic voice boomed from within her vagina, and to everyone's surprise, a portal whooshed open from her insides with the sound of two jaguars mating.

Then a beam of light emerged from that hallowed orifice and fired what appeared to be a high-powered laser right into the ceiling.

The Smashers were blinded by the light, revved up by the humanoid that appeared before them that night.

Palutena and the others all perceived a stocky, bearded figure, naked, with dark skin and black eyes, looking down upon them with impatience.

He was sitting on a fold-up lawn chair in a camper trailer, gazing into a 2009 Sony Vaio laptop screen. He was some kind of mix of East Asian and Filipino, about 5'9", and obviously single because he didn't give a crap about his haircut or unkempt facial hair, and there was a poster and a throw pillow decorated with unlicensed art of Princess Peach by his side. He looked upon Palutena with extreme impatience.

"Goddamn, I'm so sick of writing the stupid plot to this bullshit!" yelled the Author. "Get back to the fucking already!"

"Is... is that me?" Peach said, blushing.

"G-God?" Wario wondered in the tiniest voice he had, quivering, for if it was true that the Creator knew everything he had ever masturbated to, well, let's just say he had quite a bit to be ashamed about.

Ganondorf's eyes bulged upon finally beholding the being that undoubtedly burdened him with his pitiable chode, which, the reader need hardly be reminded, was roughly the size and shape of a tiny trombone mouthpiece. "YOU! You're the bastard behind this?! YOU inflicted this shit upon us?!"

"No shit, Sherlock," the Author replied, his voice no longer intimidating and growing more regular by the minute.

"You can't tell us what to do!" mid-orgasm Mel screamed aloud, even as Toon Link continued to ride her like a runaway train, stoking her inner fires with his polygonal, cel-shaded rod.

"Actually," the Author sneered as he put on Michael Jackson's "Thriller", "I _can_. Now dance for me."

He snapped his fingers and a disco ball appeared above them, as did Ulala (_Space Channel 5_). To the surprise of all the Smashers, she led them in a choreographed dance; even though most of them were flat-footed freaks with no rhythm, they suddenly began popping and locking, dancing like marionettes on strings to the runaway hit.

"Muahahahaha!" heckled the Author, mimicking Dr. Evil from _Austin Powers._

"Hang on!" Zelda cried as her tits flopped about between poses. "Let's talk about this!"

"Nope," said the Author, and after he snapped his fingers, Zelda's mouth was sewn shut. "Good luck getting your dick sucked now, Link!"

"Oh, fuck you, man! Fuck you so much!" Link retorted.

"Such a shame. I turned you into a sex-crazed fiend in the end. I really could have done your character justice better," the Author admitted, then flicked his middle finger in Link's general direction.

Zelda watched helplessly as Link reacted like he was just socked in the gut, then fell to his knees.

"Anyone else dare to defy me?" the Author sneered at the helpless Smashers, Domesticators, etc.

"Uh, I'm still _really _confused here," admitted Toon Link. "Who are you, exactly?"

"My name is not important," said the Author. "Sorry to break it to ya, but I'm the author of a lowly fan fiction, and you all are characters owned by Nintendo and various other companies."

"So we're not even REAL?! We're just figments in your fucking imagination?!" screamed Kirby, grabbing his head in utter confusion. "Then what... what the FUCK have you been putting us through hell for?! You've had us beaten beyond recognition, fried, hypnotized, electrocuted-"

"Violated!" interjected Mega Man. "Demeaned! You melted my dick off!"

Zelda counted them off. "Not to mention we've been barfed on, shat our pants, forced into sexual situations-"

"Am I even a-supposed to be an alcoholic?" Mario asked. "Or is-a-that something you-a made up?"

"First things first. To answer Wario's question, I do it for the readers, of course," said the Author, now kicking back and sipping on a homemade blended peach fruit smoothie. "Actually, that's a bold-faced lie. I do it for my own personal enjoyment. And also because I find it more fun than playing whatever latest violent video game is tearing up the market."

"PSYCHOPATH!" Samus screamed.

"Come on, now," said the Author. "At least I made _you _a badass."

"Hey, are you single?" Palutena asked him.

"Your seductress bit won't work on me!" the Author retorted. "I don't even want to know what kind of STDs I'd kind of be obligated to write if you so much as touched me."

"So you _are _single," Palutena said, licking her lips. "You'd never be writing a smutty fanfic like this otherwise."

"My word!" the Author gasped. "I'll have you know I _did _have a girlfriend while writing most of this fic!"

In the midst of the Thriller dance, Peach and Samus both crossed their arms at the same time and gave him a _'You're really going with that?' kind of a look_, not buying his story in the least.

"You still haven't a-apologized to anyone," said Don Luigi.

"And I don't intend to," the Author continued, then cracked his knuckles and returned to pounding away at his laptop. "Let's see... I feel like I'm forgetting someone again..."

Just in that moment, the door to the room broke down and who was standing before them all but Slippy Toad, covered in blood and holding up the severed head of Mr. Driller.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" yelled Slippy. "Barrel roll through this, biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"

"Oh, fuck," said the Author, who tried to type that Slippy missed, but instead, Mr. Driller's skull knocked against his forehead and he hit the ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss key, hard.

"That's what you get for makin' me and Fox laughing stocks!" Slippy exclaimed furiously as his homie Falco tossed him a Smash Ball.

King Dedede whacked it with his Jet Hammer, Mega Man slammed it with a fully-charged f-smash, and Snake back-aired it over to Fox, who used his up-smash to clinch the powerful attack and summon forth a Landmaster to fire at the Author.

Meanwhile, another portal whooshed open, and from Masahiro Sakurai's bedroom emerged the Miis of Sakurai, Miyamoto, Iwata, and NOA President Reggie Fils-Aime, who were all brandishing weapons from_ Counter-Strike: GO_, hooting and hollering at the Author about their inaccurate portrayals.

"I looked up who I'm supposed to be online!" Satoru Iwata informed the Author, holding his AK-47 in the air. "And you've made a mockery of me! Have you no respect for the dead?!"

"Nothing is sacred to me!"

The Author retaliated by pounding away at his keyboard and making the room they were all in inexplicably morph into the Norfair stage, which of course left most of the Smashers hanging in mid-air with little else but deadly lava below them.

"BASTARD!" yelled Reggie, who leapt to the ledge and pulled himself up. He pointed his Steyr Aug at the Author and said, "How come you didn't give me a big role in this fic?!"

"Well," he replied, "Uh. I mean, you live on the opposite side of the Pacific. You wouldn't have had a big role in the dev-"

While the Author was trying to come up with some bullshit reason, Reggie grabbed the very naked and very afraid Cloud Strife, withdrawing his dick from Rosalina's pussy, footstool-jumped off of Sonic's head, then lobbed him at the hovering Mr. Miyamoto, _Advent Children-_style.

"Alley oop!" said Reggie, winking at Cloud.

"What the hell-?" Cloud exclaimed, still confused as to what was going on.

"There ya go!" continued Mr. Miyamoto, tossing him at the Super Saiyan Mr. Sakurai.

Before the _FFVII _protagonist even knew what was happening, Sakurai grabbed him by the crotch and tossed him even further upwards.

"AIEEEE!" Cloud wailed.

"No giving up!" Sakurai said as he released Cloud's nads.

"FUCK THIS!" the protagonist wailed and reached around for his Buster Sword, which was nowhere to be found.

When he saw the giant face of the Author approaching, Cloud did the only thing he could do. He raised a fist and prepared to punch him out.

"Stay where you belong!" Cloud said. "In your own memories!"

But the Author merely opened his mouth and swallowed Cloud whole.

Everyone gasped in shock and alarm as the Author opened and closed his mouth, making gratuitous chewing noises as he crushed Cloud's bones into dust between his yellowed chompers. For two or three seconds agonized screaming could be heard within his mouth, and then, silence.

The Author then burped, and licked his lips.

"Who's next?" he asked with a devilish grin.

* * *

**A/N:** Hope y'all enjoyed that! Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion! Will the Corrins appear next time? You'll have to wait and see!

Also, I promise I'll make a _Pokemon Go _joke in the final chapter. Obviously I wouldn't miss out on that. Fun as it was, I deleted the game from my phone, not just for productivity and battery life reasons, but because I disagree with its Orwellian ties to the US government on principle.

If you liked this chapter, please leave a REVIEW! Each one makes my week. And have a great summer! I'll try to get the final chapter out as soon as I can... which hopefully won't be half a year from now. ;) If you thought this one was crazy, you haven't seen anything yet! Let me know what you want to see!


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